1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Yes I have already read it! It was so very validating and explained so much of what I have experienced. I’m working with an EMDR therapist really processing a lot of the pain and anger and starting to feel more peace and acceptance. My siblings “know not what they are doing” to a certain extent but they are still doing it.
I feel this imprinted toxic shame is the hardest part to heal even after many years. I paid for my own education, graduated in psychology (just like you say) and was still told "You have made a mess of your life" before I walked away. Its like we were groomed to take abuse until we put an end to the trauma cycle.
Toxic shame is connected to the 'false self' - I have a chapter on both of these issues in my book (Rejected...). It is deep, it is unconscious, but as awareness grows and insight is gained, one can indeed release the toxic shame, release the false narratives imposed upon the true self, and live free of these toxic and limiting states.
They don’t give you credit for the good things you’ve accomplished and done. I have an MA from Columbia University and accomplished many other things but they never said anything except that I do everything wrong and am a loser and so on. Those words came from the monster (mother). The rest of them treated me like dirt too.
Our gift is used against us,,don't let sick people determine your worth,,,,the empath has no reason to feel shameful,,since they are thr only healthy one in the family
I feel like one of the curses of having been the scapegoat/empath is that we actually end up empathizing quite a bit with the narcissist. I tried so hard for so long to help this cult/family find some peace and balance and I just ended up sick and broken. The way back out of the cult then becomes a very long lonely road, even after years of no contact.
Yes, this can indeed happen. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Going through it right now. What could be worser than ending up broken. Disabled. Sick. And absolutely isolated. At 38. I live in clutter. Journey went from an OCD to an PTSD in lesser than two yrs. Distance hasn't helped coz the trap is beyond just financial and emotional abuse. I am hating every bit of me right now . I got attacked and my clothes were pulled and ripped in public for manhandling my dad I only got trapped. very badly. By my own dad. Nobody believes me and I am doubting everything. Am I even alive etc stuffs keep making me feel I am probably the narc. I dunno
Yes. Classic. So many of us heard this. You may want to watch this video here on FSA and traumatic invalidation that I did awhile back. ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
No one in the dysfunctional family wants to face the truth cause it's ugly. Toxic families are delusional and have no courage. Families are supposed to support one another and want happiness and success for their children, spouse, grandchildren. Not purposely make life hard for another family member or anyone else. Dark comes to light. Truth prevails! Know that!
So true. The having no courage part is big. I feel like they resent me for my courage. They will basically admit they don’t have much of that. I don’t know how that wouldn’t motivate them to develop it.
They want you to fail,,so this will justify their narrative that you were the cause all of the family issues,,,,being in this role is essential for the family's survial,,,most of the time their is a ringleader at the helm,,usually a narcissist mother and a codependent father,,,,,silencing was their way of trying to keep me in this role,,,,when I found my voice they became very scared of me and avoided me at all costs,,,,,my advise is to speak up at all times and only take responsibility for your own stuff,,period!!!,,these people may hate you,,but you will love you,,which is the key out of this role
In my family it ramped up when my parents died. Two siblings took up the positions and completed my expulsion from the family. The other siblings and extended family looked the other way. A lot of status and financial gain involved in validating my expulsion. I don’t care. They needed to be exposed. I must say I’m shocked who stayed silent
I am an empath and truth teller from a highly dysfunctional family. I’m an investigator/lawyer for multi million dollar lawsuits taking down huge companies. I’m literally paid to spot covert fraud and subtle evidence. I also taught intuition for several years. My family still tries to tell me they didn’t do what I’m saying or whatever nonsense to this day. They’re crazy. Thank you for articulating it well. It has not been an easy life.
It is not an easy life at all. I hope that my giving this insidious form of systemic abuse a name - and my research supported book (included in this resource list I'm linking you to) - will make it just a little bit easier. And isn't it amazing that no matter what field of work, how successful, how credible, how respected elsewhere the FSA adult survivor is, the family continues to see only the warped and distorted pseudo-reality that serves them. As I say in some video or another here, it is quite similar to 'shared psychosis'. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you for your kind reply and for the resource, Rebecca. I was amazed to find your videos yesterday. This is exactly what’s been happening to me. I got your book too! I’m looking forward to reading it. Thank you! (Also, my real name is Erika. I go by Ben on here for privacy reasons.) Thank you!!!😊 🙏🏻
Mine was "Stop martyring yourself" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "You're so moody" or "Stop frowning, what will other people think". If I showed emotion, I was either punished, ridiculed or psycho-analysed whereby they would tell me "there's something wrong with you".
I’m the family scapegoat. My mother died a few days ago and I feel a lot better.. relieved. She was the problem since always. To everyone else she was practically a saint. I wouldn’t wish my experiences on anyone. Thank you for your video.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse my condolences.. I know how it feels. I wished my mother peace at the hospice. While everyone is crying and upset I can finally say I feel at peace and am the strongest in the whole family.
I'm sorry for your loss, not because your mother died, but for the fact you were deprived of the kind of mother you deserved when she was alive💛May YOU LIVE in PEACE. And may she rest in the dirt and answer for her actions in her next life if her soul reincarnates.
My mother passed at age 101 in 2018, after being on hospice for SIX YEARS. Talk about not letting go. 🙄 I don’t remember how many years ago I mourned not having a loving supportive mother. Maybe 50 years ago? I just did the right thing by seeing to her needs. 2 other siblings did nothing. One couldn’t, one wouldn’t. Now I’m a Nana to the Loves of my Loves. I wish I had had more years to live with knowledge of what I went through, not dwelling on the bs, but coming out of it and thriving for myself. No such luck. I am old now, can only do my best for my grand children and pray the love and encouragement I provide them will make a difference in their lives. There have always been pioneers. Live and thrive, Dear Ones. 🙏🏼❤️🕊
@@christinalw19wow, six years in hospice must be a record. That's incredible and I feel for your journey. My mom recently passed after being on hospice for 13 months. She was unable to get out of bed and literally on her back all that time. You can imagine how much assistance that required. It's a complicated situation when it's your mother. Holy moly I feel for you -- six years of your life on hold (I presume). I'm glad you have your happiness.
I am the scapegoat who totally bought into what the power holders were saying. From a very early age I thought I was so wrong and so bad that I didn’t deserve anything, not even food or air. I’m an empath, HSP and truth teller, always was and now that I’m estranged from them all, am back to being that person. They shut me up real good and made me extremely suicidal for most of my life. I was just feeling less than again because something triggered me so I thought I’d listen to your videos. I wish I knew about all this 45 + years ago because they really destroyed me and my life. These people are Satan’s minions.
What you’ve just said - it might as well be me talking. I’m still recovering from the damage they done and can honestly say my life is getting better, after 27 years of hardcore healing, all thanks to the grace of God. 🌅 I pray for children all the time as I cannot bear to even hear a child cry.. Blessings to you hun.
I was very honest since childhood. I was bullied by all my relatives since childhood. I decided it was best to go zero contact. Now I see that everyone was in a narcissistic continuum and I was the only person who was constantly attacked. It made me think that I had to work extra hard to be a member of my own family, but no matter how hard I tried this never ever happened. I was always meaningless. After years of zero contact I feel normal again and I feel like I should have done this much sooner to save myself.
Totally agree, we have all been suffering systemic gas lighting, projection,brainwashing,among other narcissistic traits. Being attacked personally when we don't agree or comply.
This is my reality. As an only child growing up with a narcissistic mother, I was scapegoated for pointing out uncomfortable truths and for standing up for myself. I was beaten constantly for “talking back” when I was just speaking truth to power. As a 30 year old adult, my mouth still gets me into trouble from time to time. I can’t stand injustice, I speak up and call people on their BS whenever I encounter it, much often to my detriment. I never go along to get along because I simply cannot stand enabling toxicity. It’s exhausting and it makes people dislike me, but I cannot live my life pretending, that’s just not me. The friends that stick with me know I’m authentic and that they can always count on me to be honest with them. Recently a friend told me that that’s exactly why she loves me, what you see is what you get. It sucks to be the person always pointing out the world’s hypocrisies. People call you a buzzkill or harsh frequently, but I just don’t know how to be any other way.
Hi Marjorie, the scapegoating can be very harsh and severe indeed when the parent is narcissistic. You may have paid a price to hold onto your truth and reality, but for a truth-telling empath-type, there really is no other choice. You can't put a price on one's soul. Thanks for your comment and hope you subscribe!
Hi! I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading your comment. I'm with you. Being a truth teller is a lonely road. It's the light in me that keeps me going.
Me too. There is a fine line between truth telling and being opinionated and commenting when we shouldn’t. I am trying to figure that out. And you’re right, people would rather abandon you sometimes rather than face the truth about themselves and how it has affected you.
My sister has such a dismissive attitude towards me. As bad as my mother. I cannot be with both women at once. My mother is horrible. She is 104 and failing and to be here taking care of her is excruciating. Nothing I do is right. She is a tiny tyrant. Loves to fight. Manipulative as Hell. And insulting. Goes from criticizing my hair. Ragi g because I choose to not wear makeup, my clothes are a Ness. I am too fat, I eat too much, I am not a success, etc etc ad nauseum. The fact that it is generational trauma is of no comfort whatsoever. I wish I had cut ties years ago. What a mess.
So many similarities!! It's so hard being related to these sorts of people. Sending love to you and I hope you find some beautiful people to have in your life that will treat you with love and respect ❤
I went through similar. YOU are great. Real, honest, caring. Of course they have to try to make you look bad-they are pathetic. Big Nothings. Rejoice in your reality. You are loved. 😉🙏🏼🤍
It doesn’t end with the family though. Most people I’ve known in my life have rejected me for the same reasons. For calling them out on their bs. Years of friendship over in a moment for calling them out and being honest. People just don’t like honesty. They say they want it but they prefer lies. I have a few loving girlfriends and male friends but have met SO many narcissistic people who play out family dynamics with me. I spend a lot of time alone with my cats My mother and brother REALLY don’t like me and have cursed me in the past. Surviving cptsd with very little solid support network is brutal. Yet I’m the one everyone comes to for support and expect to be able to just offload on me whenever they need to without showing any consideration for me and my capacity to then turn around and treat me like crap in return. I just don’t like people as a species. I prefer non human animals
As the poet Charles Bukowski once said: "Sure I like people. I just feel better when they're not around." He suffered terrible abuse as a child from his father, btw. No surprise there.
I am experiencing the same when I get honest and speak up, which most of my friends aren’t used to. I don’t attack people either, it’s almost in a caretaking fawning way that I say “my feelings are hurt by your behavior “. This has not gone well at all with most of my friends since I got into recovery a decade ago. One friend it went really well, thank goodness. But the rest of them the dynamic was they were superior and I was inferior. This was my own construct in my mind and the energy between us. Leveling up to seeing myself as equal is not encouraged by most of my friend circle. I have developed severe complex chronic health issues and am an orphan of sorts with no family support and my friends judge me for not getting better already. No one seeks to understand the complexity of being impacted by mold (which is in 80% of homes) and how difficult it is to heal without family support. They all have family support and have no idea what it’s like to go through life without it and don’t see how privileged they are compared to me. I am seeing people differently now as I continue to take off my rose colored glasses. It’s very difficult and lonely. I appreciate this channel and all that Rebecca shares. I feel seen, heard, understood.
I experience a lot of people projecting their own issues onto me just like my estranged family did. When I try to get the person to understand that those are their problems, they get angry with me. Now, I just walk away. I am done defending, explaining, and trying to get people to see my point of view. Also, narcissists seem to be attracted to scapegoats so that's another dynamic scapegoats have to be vigilant about.
In being told there’s something wrong with you you might hear, “I don’t want you to feel that way,” meaning “I will tell you what you are supposed to feel.”
Im the family scapegoat and an empath and not surprisingly I have a psychology degree. Both parents are narcs and let me tell you no dysfunctional family wants somebody like me whom can see through all their BS. They have labeled me crazy to the entire extended family and after my dad died and I called my mom on her horrible behavior, she abandoned me. I am 100% alone now.
Sadly, the type of experience you had featured prominently in my original FSA research findings. Linking you to my updated resource list in case you see something that might serve you at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am alone too. Finally at 69 I can feel OK, not perfect but have enough confidence to live in the life that I created for myself. Just a handful of friends that love me for me. Luckily I became a nurse and it gave me a chance to give to humankind, to make sure that I did not become so depressed that I wasted my life. Thank you God.
My mother always told me" you feel things completely different than other people." The message was obviously : you are not normal! Something is wrong with you! Thank you mother, for nothing..
Indeed, dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems are at root incredibly energetically enmeshed, no matter how it looks on the outside; the one who is 'different' and/or more individuated is therefore pathologized.
Very similar to my narcissistic family who would often tell me, "Roxy stop over analyzing everything." How dare I question their authority with my ever expanding critical thinking skills 🤔...
They tell me that I am misunderstanding everything that they say. The whole family does it. I had to go no contact because they were upset about me improving my life. That's always been an issue for them.
I just discovered your channel. I am an empath and the family scapegoat. My mother passed that down to my children and I am forever in that role. I am to blame for everything. My husband died eight years ago and now I'm virtually alone because I could not continue allowing my children to hurt me. I'm very ill and suspect I will die alone. You are my one bright spot. You are helping me to make sense of all this after almost 75 years. I've always been there for everyone I love yet no one is there for me. Sad beyond words.
I'm so glad you're here and reached out. My heart hurt (in recognition of your FSA experiences) while reading this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
As one empath to another, my heart goes out to you and i cried reading your post.❤ You sound like a very kind person and I’m sorry to hear of your illness. I just found out about FSA and this channel as well. I’m 39 and my family recently took this to another level inviting everyone in the family to easter except me. It hurts so bad.
Thank you Rebecca. I can relate. I was not allowed to cry as a child. Always with her back to me, my mother would tell me to quit my crying or she would give me something to cry about. Then with her brown eyes black she would turn around slap me across the face or spank me. So until I was 26 years old I silently cried myself to sleep every night. (Back in the day when we wore hair curlers to bed)- I would wake up with my hair wet at my temples. Now my mom is 89 years old with dementia. She cries alot and asks me if crying is bad or wrong. I tell her no, it's okay to cry. It's not wrong to cry. It's okay, God gave us tears. It's okay to cry, Mom.
I got it, too. As well as hundreds of my FSA research respondents and many commenters here. It serves to invalidate the child's experience. You may also want to watch this video here: ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
I would not sell my soul to my 2 narcissistic alcoholic parents and my mother and brother were schizophrenic. I was the scapegoat truth teller. My mother would often say that I just loved to be angry. I did walk away from all of them at 24 but it did follow me but I did therapy on and off all my life and now I have risen above most of it. I am 73.
100%. I always knew deep down what reality was, and that I needed to keep myself safe until I could be fully independent. I didn't know it meant disconnecting from the family system completely, but I am willing to let go of anything that destroys my well-being and crushes my personhood. I have never let go of my reality and what I have known deep down, and I saved my own life. I tried to help my siblings find freedom when I realized my parents enjoy their own misery and perpetuating misery. Unfortunately, I had to go it alone. But Id rather be alone than in abuse.
I was all of the things you mentioned. It’s no wonder that I was the family target from a very young age. My “father “ was a malignant narcissist rageaholic. He loved to scare me and provoke a reaction out of me. I was hunted down daily throughout the house and I would clear out places under beds and in closets to hide. He used to aim his car at an oncoming car and when I would gasp a bit my “mother “ would act like something was wrong with me. As a matter of fact, every emotion I had was wrong with her. My earliest memories of her were her rejecting what I thought, said, felt, etc. She would fly into rages suddenly but it wasn’t constant or clear what triggered her. My siblings just went along with my “parents “. I became chronically suicidal but they didn’t beat the truth teller out of me and I’m still here. We’re estranged and it’s been great being away from all their stupidity.
I was raised in an emotionally and physically violent, and I use the word lightly, “family”. My mother is a covert narcissist and liar. She historically spent time with and traveled with her daughters and specifically left me behind. (I no longer consider these jerks as my sisters.) I am one out of six kids who suffered the most abuse. I had parents who were too stupid to use birth control. They had no interest in being loving and invested parents, all they could do was crank out kid after kid and I bore the brunt of their mistakes my whole life. They should have given me up for adoption!!! At 57, I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop the mental abuse so I had to cut them all off; except for my two brothers. I can’t take it anymore!!!
A stinking rotten kid who will never amount to anything. They're not around to see just how successful I became because I proved them wrong. I only wish I hadn't spent so much time fighting the poison they spewed. I did a lot of damage to myself working dangerous jobs, not taking care of myself. Hating myself because believed them for many years. Now that I've got a beautiful place to live, have what I need, I could die tomorrow and not care. People can effectively destroy someone without consequence. Most times its your own family.
Indeed - and an ugly truth that society has difficulty acknowledging. Not sure if you watched my first 'Bizarre Realities' video but you may relate to it, if not.
I have to watch these videos, each one of them like three or four times because I start dissociating so bad. I can hear your voice almost as if it’s in the background of something else taking place and it’s hard to focus or even understand a word you’re saying. These videos bring back so many horrible memories. I am so grateful that I severed ties and probably would’ve died had I not but now it’s like living my life backwards as every day there’s a new memory that pops in that I’m just like oh my God I can’t even believe evil people like this exist in the world and they are your family or are supposed to be.
Take your time. Take breaks as needed. I'll be doing a video soon on structural dissociation and complex trauma as related to family scapegoating abuse.
I can relate with what you said. When I have emotional flashbacks I can’t believe it all wasn’t just a horrible nightmare. The memories are hard to shake.
I was like that a year ago not able to process scapegoat videos or stop the CPTSD & dissociating, in & out of fear my memory was shot. The only way I could heal was total NC even feelings sensations were alien. I couldn’t tell when I was hungry thirsty or in pain. I’d bump into a chair & not feel pain yet a monster size bruise would appear. My narcissistic ex teamed up with my family & the dehumanisation was nothing short of evil. Don’t give up you can heal it’s possible my mantra was I am safe I trust myself I believe my intuition ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Being a family scapegoat is one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced and it’s still hard. I can relate to your pain and pray you have loving people in your life to support you. Scapegoats have incredible strength and empathy; we are some of the toughest people, yet still compassionate and sensitive. The world needs more people like us and less scapegoating jerks. Keep focused on your gifts and continue healing at your own pace. Blessings to you 🙏
"What's wrong with you?" It still runs through my head. Any display of emotion was not okay with my mother. And now at 70 years of age I still don't know.
As another commenter here said this evening: "The why will come to you as you heal and you'll realize it had nothing to do with you and had everything to do with them and a reflection of their own wounds." Powerful words. Here's my survivor resource list in case something catches your eye. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
It always puzzled me why my husband would become angry if I should cry about something that hurt me in the relationship. Angry. That just never made any sense. Now it does. Yeah, and he was always "just kidding."
HI Angela - I also see this with people who are not able to access their own grief - the anger is a defense against feeling grief that the Empath is able to feel - very threatening / also triggering to such a person.
I grew up being told I was too sensitive. I’m now no contact with 4 sisters and my mother. My father is gone and he was always a voice of reason so there’s no one left in my corner. Life is better when you take control and refuse to be the scapegoat any longer. I highly recommend getting out as the alternative is to continually feel abused for no reason.
I’m in such a unique position and it feels the only option is to go ghost on my family. My mom is a severe narcissist and I’m the family scapegoat. I keep trying to tell my siblings but they always find a way to make me the problem. I explain to them how she insults me, pushes my buttons, tries to control me, belittles me and offers no privacy. They didn’t express an ounce of compassion or empathy. They told me I need to focus on the positive parts about her and realize that she is just doing her best. It’s a dead end road trying to get help from my family. They all refuse to accept that my mom could be the problem.
I actually do see this type of narcissistic family structure in my practice and in my research on FSA: Narcissistic mother and enabling/codependent father. This dynamic is captured brilliantly in the oldie but goodie film, 'Ordinary People', by the way. If you are struggling to understand the dynamics at play, you may want to get my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Also, I am covering both narcissistic and dysfunctional family scapegoating in my video this Saturday, so I hope you have subscribed.
I was in the same situation. I cut them off ten years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself. I know who I am now and more importantly, I accept myself as a good person. It was difficult, especially around holidays but it ultimately saved my life.
Dear Lord‼️ this is my story! i jumped thru hoops for 50 Plus years (till the day my mom passed). Young people- don’t walk….please RUN from this abuse!
I hve one for ya doc, it’s all about you Jo! This is how they shamed me into silence. It’s not just about you Jo. But it was. I was the only child not wanted by my own father not allowed to go see him while he was dying. I was the only one not allowed to go to my nieces wedding after I paid for it. While my family partied on the beach for a whole week while I stayed home and wanted to die. Not one family member stood up for me not one. All I did was object to the treatment which you know is off limits. It’s a sneaky hard to bring to light form of abuse. I am the sensitive one. I was the empath.
Hi Joanna, your experience was reflected in my FSA research - Many, many FSA adult survivors have had similar experiences. I am sorry to hear this also happened to you.
I took these to my journal recently and wrote all the hurtful degrading things they told me and I lovingly rewrote the negative things they judged me with. Instead of slow I wrote active, instead of lazy I wrote active, instead of dramatic I wrote truthful…I will keep rewriting over their hateful words that pop up and take space in my head with MY words and regain MY headspace 😊🎉 ….with MY words and MY love ❤
Wonderful idea. Also, if you scroll down to the bottom of this channel's home page, you'll find 3 free affirmation videos I made that you can listen to daily as well. They are trauma-informed, also.
I'm the family empath and yes also the true teller and have been thrown away by all my family members even my own grown daughter. I've been alone for so long in my life.
I’m so very sorry to hear it. Unfortunately, these dysfunctional family ‘roles’ and patterns - and associated behaviors - do tend to get passed down from generation to generation.
Before i started to understand about this scapegoat role i was given A few years ago im 70 now i used to feel i had the weight of generations on my shoulders so it was validating for you rebecca to speak about generational issues thank you and i always used to where black
I got “Don’t be so serious” and “Smiiiiiile!” from my Mother when I was an extremely unhappy child, with an unhappy face lol, due to the abuse going on in my home. My teachers at school used to write in my school reports that I “cried easily.” I wonder why!
Oh this is me. I’m the perceptive one who sees what others don’t see or even refuse to see. It’s sooo plainly obvious, yet only I see it. It’s probably better said that I refuse to deny it. The elephant in the room is there, but others just ignite it. I resonated with her statement about the tenacity of the perceptive person to hold to their authenticity. Wow. Holy moly! Thank you for your work in this. I’m sorry you have this knowledge yourself. Sending hugs.
Hi Janette, they say to "write about what you know" so my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) is one way I made lemonade out of lemons, as well as my work and research on FSA in general.
If a parent is repressing feelings or has trauma they are unaware of, any expression of "vulnerable" (authentic) feeling in another, such as crying, will invariably be activating and triggering to them at an unconscious level and they will want to put a lid on it immediately. If it is their own child expressing these threatening emotions, they have the power to try and put a lid on it via shaming them, commanding the child not to cry, etc.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My father was horribly abused as a child, physically and mentally. I'm unsure how true some of it is, but my uncle loved to tell stories about their abuse at family holiday dinners. Looking back, I'm shocked at my uncle's behavior. Why tell such stories at Thanksgiving!?
@@evolingwren I've seen this before. This can be a defense mechanism protecting the psyche from the impact of the trauma. Stories about the abuse are told in an entertaining (dissociated) way. When it comes to how people process trauma, my best answer is, "It's complicated".
I ran away at 15. Family therapist (five minutes of it) said I was the recorder’ of the family. This was decades ago and I see he was an early identifier of the family empath. That one statement gave me permission at that young age to trust my own memory and intuition. Thank you Mario, wherever you are! Thank you to ALL the compassionate professionals who have helped me throughout my entire life! May God bless you all 🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️
Wow. The intuition and own thoughts part is what I've been in constant struggle to hold onto for a while but especially last 4 months... This kinda cleared a while part of my mind hearing another person I don't know say this. (I've been in rough situation last 3 years and social isolation got to me becuz I was with family where if I speak louder than a whisper I'd deal with weeks of shame from the other family members). Man being isolated in a situation like this for so long brings u to a new type of low. I HOPE NO ONE allows that type of isolation and struggle with finances to last for more than a year of their adult lives... PROMISE ME NONE OF YOU WILL?
In my family, siblings continue to try and draw me back in when I walk away. It's as though they need to keep me in that role for their lives to make sense
That’s me !! I’m a proud Sensitive, Empath, and also the Scapegoat of the family. I’m having many emotions washing over me. Every word you said, I deeply relate too. I have cut ties with my family, but it wasn’t easy. I still struggle with that from time to time, but not enough to expose myself to that pain.
Lenore, if you relate this strongly to my video here, do try and check out my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - I have a chapter on the Empath child and family scapegoating abuse.
My earliest memory of my father: shouting at my mother "can't you shut him up!?". My baby teeth came in rotten, and I was in constant pain. I've since been the "source" of all the families problems, and blamed for it. Finally, 69 years later, breaking contact with my "golden child " brother. Good content!
Thank you! In case you are in need of further support after ending contact, I put together this list of resources for FSA adult survivors. Linking you to it here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Momster is 83 and still quite manipulative & divisive. She operates much like a covert narc w/ attention-seeking tactics. My two sisters are her flying monkeys. It's hard to witness. I visit from out of state, only if/when I truly feel up to it. Self-care is the top priority. "They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same." - The Blacksheep
What a relief to finally at 73 be able to hear and understand the pain of my childhood and adult life. I cant ask why did it take so long I am just grateful to finally get some relief and knowing. Thank you so much! I am sharing with others who also desire the healing. ❤
Thank you, Linda, I appreciate your telling others about my work. If you are relating strongly to my content here, you may also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
I was flat-out mocked, screamed at and hit for crying (they reacted to my true sadness as a “tantrum” even though I never threw tantrums). My heart goes out to any children currently experiencing the same thing. Please know it will get much better once you gain your independence.
Sadness = Tantrum = More reality distortion by the perpetrator(s) of scapegoating abuse in families, fueling and supporting what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’.
In my own experience only one thing matters with severely dysfunctional families. They need to be sent down their separate roads, as in court ordered to stay away from each other. I know many people don't like the idea of the courts being able to break up families. With me they ask a wrong person to sympathize. I am even in favor the law allowing children age 13 and up to initiate a legal process asking the courts to remove them from an abusive home. From age 13 onward I was looking for the door. I finally ran away at the age of 15, without even one regret. Just goes to show you how little use I have for family. I have no family and I am happy. I have no kids, and I don't want any. My two cents for this one! 😊
I heard every single one of those phrases repestedly, along with a few others. I don't recall those things being said to the others. Then, if you don't buy into that, you have an "attitude."
The scapegoating accelerated as I approached age 40. Since I didn't have children or get married, I sense that I am more heavily rejected. Narcissist are obsessed with children, because children are the perfect supply for them. They let me feel the 'stigma' of being a childless and single woman more than anyone I've ever met. Their way of telling me I had failed was to gift me a pet rabbit for xmas. I was 40 years old! Who buys a rabbit for an adult? It's totally infantilising. I have distanced myself from nearly everyone in the family now. Only my mother I am still in touch with. However, my boundaries will be very hard with her. It's really tough, because I love her, but she tries to draw me back into the family madness and I can't live with the anxiety that follows from the abuse. They gang up on me.
We were just having a discussion about this (not having children and being scapegoated heavily) in one of my videos in the comments. I'll be getting a dedicated video out about this - This dynamic you describe did come up in my FSA research as well.
Yes I can relate. From a very early age I refused to go along with the dysfunctional behavior and I spoke up. I always defended my siblings and the adults in the family did not like that. I hid the way things were from others but I refused to be a part of their toxic behavior. So yes I am and have always been the scapegoat
This is profoundly helpful. I have been cut out of my family for showing sympathy to traumatized individuals they have rejected. Every interaction I have with my parents includes some form of shame and blame. I’m walking away. Thank you for validating my experience!
I get it now- I have been challenging my husband's mother and dysfunctional family and he's been lashing out and gas lighting me like crazy. His mother never liked me because I always showed my genuine feelings. I was 'parentified' at a young age- I could read people to protect my mom from the "wrong" guys when she dated. I was praised for my astuteness then, but my mother-in-law is threatened by it. Hence after 33 years married to her youngest son, doesn't know my birthday and sends me a check in the mail usually a month late compared to the showering of gifts for my husband and daughter. thanks for video!!!
Very painful indeed when the sister-in-law becomes the narcissist power holder in the "family". My mother taught her well. Now she is the exsisterinlaw. Still holds the power. My brother submits to her power. Parents signed over legally (Through a different attorney than their long time attorney) all power to her. In January of 2020 I found the document in their safe after dad came home from the hospital and the home health care nurse had questions. The sister-in-law left my brother and moved into my parents house. The lies continue. She uses social media to spread her lies. A few see through her deception. Most have bought her false narrative hook line and sinker. I am the "bad" daughter for not taking care of my parents. Truth will prevail. Someday justice will be served. I appreciate this community. I read all your comments. And I pray for all of us. THANKS REBECCA, Jane.
Omg I love your video because it's the truth. It's time to see the empath and the truth-teller as the powerful, normal ones and "the power holders" as the weak, insecure and mentally unwell. Because that's exactly what is going on.
Break downs are often break-THROUGHS in disguise. I hope you pick up my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many have found understanding, awareness, AND hope by reading it.
Oh Hugh! I'm so sorry. Did you go no contact with the N in your life? Or are you trying to manage it as best you can? There is HOPE!!! I felt like you too!!!! Going NC made ALL the difference for me, then you can begin to heal. You need a good therapist too🥰!
Hugh, don't let people define you! You need to find other things that make you happy like animals, travel and hobbies. Concentrate on just finding one good friend who you can relate to or join a group.
@@reginasemenenko148 If you are a truth lover like me, research the pagan roots of all the holidays they have us 'celebrating'.....that made it easy for me. I woke up to that before waking up to the narcissistic abuse I've endured all my life.
Yes I’m “different “ than my Dad’s other two, who are “more like” him. He was narcissistic and has passed I’m afraid the siblings have inherited his traits.
When I started to awaken I heard, your inheritance would come from your heavenly father, since mine is dead i assumed somehow him. You just cleared up that I was the only one who didn't inherit crazy! THANKS.
I’m the truth telling child and I have always disliked being around my mother when she gossiped on the phone with her friends. I would leave the room because it felt gross. I was 5.
It happened to me all the time. My narcissistic mother blamed me for just expressing my emotions (You're too sensitive, i was just kidding, etc.) and then blamed me for what SHE did wrong or failed.
Classic. It is like there is a book such parents read from. Most Empaths get these same lines dished out to them growing up, as verified by my original research on this form of abuse (which I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA).
😏 I’m a double-threat. I like the sound of that. Licensed to feel and be authentic since birth 💪. I didn’t turn out to be a psychologist but I have always took interest in psychology and human behaviours. Instead I became a business owner and through my work have made hunanitarian differences within at-risk communities. My mother and family hate me.
This is 1000% me. When you said "gifted" and "beautifully sensitive" I really teared up, it has never been seen as something positive in my family. They have exploited this sensitivity (asked me to give up my job and autonomy to take care of the aging narcissist, or take care of my narcissistic sisters children.) I'm currently working on escaping this family and I'm so thankful I found your channel. Perfect timing.
Glad to have you here. You'll find my playlists on the home page of this channel. You may also want to read my book on this form of abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - you can find it internationally on Amazon or most major online book retailers.
Because I was a truth teller I was told I was insensitive. This is just one of many ways my family attempted to alienate me from my true nature. Your words help me realize I was sensitive to the dysfunctions I was surrounded by. They were just discrediting/gaslighting me. What made the darker realities hard for most to see (even my highly competent family therapist cousin who spent a fair amount of time with us who is also scapegoated and whom I can't wait to share your material with) is that there was such effort to make everything appear not only OK in my family of origin but to establish that we were somehow a special and exceptional family. This was so much a part of two of my sisters identities that when my mother died they became untethered and joined forces against me. I definitely played the role of seeker of justice for all and felt that acknowledging and also felt dissolving our family roles was a matter of justice as necessary just to recognize our humanity. One of the things that has plagued me the most over time is how no one would ever stand up for me even though I have example after example of when I stood up for them even when it was against my own interest. I have studied "yoga of the mind" which helps one understand the human ego and that did help but maybee enough to keep my in a situation I should have left - in fact the two year class was full of family truth tellers. I had been trying to "go high." Now I'm just trying to go any direction and in a way I think that is the higher path - not only best for m but for my children and husband who deserve better than to watch me suffer and begin to be scapegoated themselves. Dr. Mandeville is a force for what must be among the most complex and insidious types of abuse a person can experience; I thank you for your work.
You have come to some important realizations and I hope my work on FSA brings you even more insights so you can make informed decisions regarding what would serve you and your spouse / children at the *highest* level in regard to level of contact issues, etc. Not sure if you read my book yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) or saw my video here on Siblings and scapegoating, but if not, you may find those two additional resources helpful. And thank you for your kind acknowledgement of my work (and research) on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) - It is insidious (and complex) indeed.
Your comment really resonates with my experience. I feel my two sisters have become the dynamic duo of dysfunction! And are hell bent on continuing scapegoating where my narcissistic father left off.
I wonder how much of this is self fulfilling, by that I mean when someone is told they are bad and wrong, then they say to themselves and internalize the message of (at least I did growing up and well into my 20s), "I guess I am 'bad' and must do some 'bad' things now?" Almost like you are given license and expected to make bad choices, etc. (even though negative consequences can and will still occur).
Hi Tim, I used to run the family programs at addiction treatment clinics; I did observe this attitude in many of the inpatient residents being treated for addiction, and I did observe in the family meetings that there was a lot of scapegoating going on, i.e., the addicted adult child was in the family 'identified patient' role (in Family Systems terms). In general, a negative feedback loop would appear to develop early on in such cases, as you suggest.
Yes they have invested in you being less than so they can be more. It's a relief understanding that role can be quite and you can be who you really are. Yayyy
It’s like they sabotage your success. I thought I was doing it to myself in my 20’s until recently (in my 60’s) I realize I was sabotaged by my father all the time who set me up for failures when in reality I had so much going for me.
Unfortunately, in my family, it was my narcissistic sister who grew up to be a therapist. I grew up to be too much of an anxious mess to really be anything productive.
The smirk is all it takes. I was invisible. Young child 4-8 years old. Just dropped off somewhere and left it there for hours. Beach, library, state fair, any place where there would be lots of people. IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT. Peace 💕🇺🇲
I don’t even know what to say - this sums it up for me 100%. Pretty much everything you said. It’s amazing that this is recognized now and has a name. It’s a very lonely place to be, thank you for this!
I was told I was to sensitive and wasn't allowed to be angry, but my dad was and I wasn't allowed to cry, but my mother was. I learned crying is a weakness & to cry alone. I always knew there was something not right in my family, but I just never could put my finger on it. Thanks. Wore black clothes for years! Never put the two together!
Can't remember if I said it in this video but in dysfunctional family systems, it is typically the case that only certain family members are 'allowed' to 'hold' certain feelings/emotions. Often, the FSA child / adult child is carrying toxic shame and the weight of intergenerational trauma for the entire family system, unconsciously, of course. I discuss this in detail in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.
TY. No the people in my family system don't like emotions. Sadness or depression are seen as flaws. It is a pertinent question when or if you are sad, depressed, or angry to ask yourself if it is yours because a lot of the time you may be carrying the emotions of other members of the family system that don't want to deal with. To paraphrase Robert Frost, good emotional boundaries make for good siblings.
We all have narcissistic traits to a varying degree.. the mid range narc who loudly announces that they are an empath, it’s quite funny because they are mean mid range narcs. True empaths have emotional empathy, mid range narcs believe they are kind, which is insane because they are terrible.
I have always been extremely sensitive to energy and other's emotions. Part of that is because I was the family scapegoat of narcissistic abuse that caused hyper vigilance. So I'm both sensitive and hyper vigilant. Narcissists have no identity so the only way they survive is by scanning other's behavior in order to appear normal. Everything they do is mimicry. Because they can mimic other's behavior they confuse this with empathy. When the word empath became a huge term narcissists jumped all over it. It's another way they can feel special and present a perfect image to the world. I have a friend with, at the very least, high narcissistic traits. She was convinced that she was a "super empath." The word empath actual makes my stomach turn.
You told my story again. The validation is so helpful. Thank you for helping me feel like a gift rather than a problem. I appreciate what you are doing here so much. 😊
There are many adult gifted children who don't work as psychologist, psychotherapists or psychoanalysts. They are natural healers without the conventional education.
I have a chapter on the Empath in my book. It's linked at the top of this resource list I created for FSA survivors, in case you are wanting more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am the teacher, therapist type but also disabled now and financially dependent. Feel like the only way out is ending me life sometimes. I’m going to ACOA which is helping but impossible, literally, to go no contact. Anyway, if it wasn’t for Rebecca and her bring this epidemic into the light here in the United States, I would still be spinning in confusion at 52 years old. I also found Sharna Hussain’s article “Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 Process: A Method for Retracting Shadow Projections” a profoundly accurate description of my experience, my life and why so many mental health professionals choose to ignore the truth in the United States. Thank you for all that you doing to help us out here. You are making a difference. ☺️
"just by their very existence" = my life story. I am the double threat. Highly sensitive AND a truthteller. Oh man. Even beyond the family. I am the "reflector of things not wanting to be seen". I don't do it on purpose. But I do it. Sometimes just by me existing in any given circumstance. It is beyond belief sometimes how this happens. And the ONLY way I can reconcile it, for those times in particular, within me is to say "Jesus, for some reason, wants me to be alone". I have no other explanation other than it is something beyond this world of form here. This is a very long long story....but I am also scapegoated in my new family. My daughter is the power-holder and my husband and son go along, they are complicit. I am NOT allowed to have any feelings and the abuse my adult daughter dishes out towards me goes unchecked.
Many here will relate to your comment, myself included. Not sure if you read my book yet but I have a chapter on FSA and being the family Empath there. Book is at the top of my resource list here for FSA survivors: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Create boundaries with your new family. Visualise your body filling with energy. Affirm you are seen celebrated ; that you belong. Ask ‘how would I feel in my body if a loving, encouraging God were close by me right now?’ Cultivate that feeling in your body, your spine, your feet , heart, hands. I’m not sure Jesus wants you to be Alone. My intuition would be Jesus wants you to know you are loved, you matter, you came to shine your light and make a difference. You will get more respect if you create healthy boundaries. Guaranteed. If you end up needing to walk away again, those people were not,never, your people … 🙏🏼🌺❤️🩹♥️
@@VAMORGAN99 The inner child may still be waiting for the 'repair' to happen with your mother. Did you see my video on the repair experience, or read the article related to this by Dr Erin Watson that I posted with that video? You may find those two resources helpful, if not.
Ooh man I just sang that song yesterday as a joke at my job 😅 that was a huge part of my life, that song, my mother would sing that shit too, in a “oh woe is me” condescending tone
You are welcome! I never thought I would be considered a scapegoat because of my accomplishments. For me it has been a lot of jealousy and feeling kind of like Cinderella in a way. I really feel seen so thank you so much for your work!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
From a very early age my father told me that what I was thinking showed on my face . And he didn’t like it. That I had better learn to play the game. I didn’t know what he was talking about. I never said a word and I was in trouble.
When you are an empath, get scapegoated then (r)ejected from a dysfunctional family, to let your life "shine" following this kind or psychological trauma is a struggle from beginning to end.
But possible. Linking you to a list of survivor resources in case you are wanting more support options for this worthwhile journey of healing and recovery: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I appreciate the thought and intention. I am now 66 and I can say without a doubt that there is very little one can do to overcome the initial handicap of being born in a dysfunctional family. I tried everything, including: meditation, psychotherapy (13 years), sports, switching career in my 30s (requiring 5 years of expensive University attendance), reading tons of books, and so on. While some of these actions improved the externals somewhat, the internal landscape essentially remained the same. The past cannot be changed. Concerning psychotherapy, Freud rightly said: "It might be said of psychoanalysis that if you give it your little finger it will soon have your whole hand". Basically, perverse narcissism is rampant and can easily be observed operating full on both at individual and national levels. At national level, the USA provide a perfect historical example: any individual and/or country that does not agree with its "values and way of life" is suitably destroyed one way or another and there absolutely nothing anyone can do about it.
Agreed - One of the reasons I don't recommend psychoanalysis to recover from these forms of abuse, including what I named FSA (family scapegoating abuse). I address complex trauma symptoms first and foremost, and then go on from there. I'm about your age and as a therapist in training 20 years ago there was no mention of complex trauma, only PTSD. It has made a huge difference for both myself and my clients to address / reduce C-PTSD symptoms in regard to what I call 'family scapegoat trauma' (FST).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I guess you have the right approach. I found that one of the main problems was being unable to turn off the mind that obsessively rehashed old memories in vain attempts to find solutions which often kept me up at night. I suppose that being caught up in such a self-perpetuating pattern is probably the textbook definition of PTSD. Observing the mind and realising that it is totally powerless to resolve old situations has been helpful in spite of the fact that it does not resolve the initial trauma and the resulting associated ultimate sadness that can never be eradicated.
What I find so disconcerting about my role as the family scapegoat, is that it has played out in many of my romantic relationships too ("too sensitive," "dramatic," and "I was joking," have been features of romantic interactions as well as my childhood), I'm still trying to understand why, but I expect it's because we tend to be attracted to the familiar.
Hi David, I have a video here about being 'scapegoated wherever you go' - You might want to check that one out. Also, my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', may also serve to fill in some long-standing gaps in regard to what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Hope you subscribe!
My dad was an extremely wounded animal, lived his whole life in survival then gave all that pain to me. He'll die trying to be enough, I know I already am.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse it's a legacy that fractured families particularly have a hard time figuring it out. When you don't even know your own relatives, alot of things will remain a mystery..
This is powerful! see now I was a threat - and why truth is SO important to me in every aspect of life. You’re right - being sensitive is a beautiful gift. 🥰
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Yes I have already read it! It was so very validating and explained so much of what I have experienced. I’m working with an EMDR therapist really processing a lot of the pain and anger and starting to feel more peace and acceptance. My siblings “know not what they are doing” to a certain extent but they are still doing it.
I edited my note, I made a mistake. I wanted to say thank you for explaining this in words, we can understand. I think my original note said cannot.
Just started reading your book 👍
Thank you & I look forward to reading your book 📕 Your work is extremely helpful as are communities like this 🙏
Just ordered it. Can’t wait to start reading it.
I feel this imprinted toxic shame is the hardest part to heal even after many years. I paid for my own education, graduated in psychology (just like you say) and was still told "You have made a mess of your life" before I walked away. Its like we were groomed to take abuse until we put an end to the trauma cycle.
Toxic shame is connected to the 'false self' - I have a chapter on both of these issues in my book (Rejected...). It is deep, it is unconscious, but as awareness grows and insight is gained, one can indeed release the toxic shame, release the false narratives imposed upon the true self, and live free of these toxic and limiting states.
They don’t give you credit for the good things you’ve accomplished and done. I have an MA from Columbia University and accomplished many other things but they never said anything except that I do everything wrong and am a loser and so on. Those words came from the monster (mother). The rest of them treated me like dirt too.
Cardiology nurse here but in the eyes of my family I’m worthless.
Our gift is used against us,,don't let sick people determine your worth,,,,the empath has no reason to feel shameful,,since they are thr only healthy one in the family
@@christar9527 I spoke with Dr Watson, she may be open to new clients with budget issues, you might reach out to her.
I feel like one of the curses of having been the scapegoat/empath is that we actually end up empathizing quite a bit with the narcissist. I tried so hard for so long to help this cult/family find some peace and balance and I just ended up sick and broken. The way back out of the cult then becomes a very long lonely road, even after years of no contact.
Yeah I thought it was my job to fix my "mother" until I realized finally it has to be her choice, and I have to walk away.
Yes, this can indeed happen. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Going through it right now. What could be worser than ending up broken. Disabled. Sick. And absolutely isolated. At 38. I live in clutter. Journey went from an OCD to an PTSD in lesser than two yrs. Distance hasn't helped coz the trap is beyond just financial and emotional abuse.
I am hating every bit of me right now . I got attacked and my clothes were pulled and ripped in public for manhandling my dad
I only got trapped. very badly. By my own dad. Nobody believes me and I am doubting everything. Am I even alive etc stuffs keep making me feel I am probably the narc. I dunno
"You are too sensitive" are the 4 words I was raised upon early on in my life.
Yes. Classic. So many of us heard this. You may want to watch this video here on FSA and traumatic invalidation that I did awhile back. ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
No one in the dysfunctional family wants to face the truth cause it's ugly. Toxic families are delusional and have no courage. Families are supposed to support one another and want happiness and success for their children, spouse, grandchildren. Not purposely make life hard for another family member or anyone else. Dark comes to light. Truth prevails! Know that!
So true. The having no courage part is big. I feel like they resent me for my courage. They will basically admit they don’t have much of that. I don’t know how that wouldn’t motivate them to develop it.
They want you to fail,,so this will justify their narrative that you were the cause all of the family issues,,,,being in this role is essential for the family's survial,,,most of the time their is a ringleader at the helm,,usually a narcissist mother and a codependent father,,,,,silencing was their way of trying to keep me in this role,,,,when I found my voice they became very scared of me and avoided me at all costs,,,,,my advise is to speak up at all times and only take responsibility for your own stuff,,period!!!,,these people may hate you,,but you will love you,,which is the key out of this role
Right. But a narcissist mother and a codependent father? I think it’s the other way around.
@christar 95 nope it can totally be this. Abuser and enabler.
In my family it ramped up when my parents died. Two siblings took up the positions and completed my expulsion from the family. The other siblings and extended family looked the other way. A lot of status and financial gain involved in validating my expulsion. I don’t care. They needed to be exposed. I must say I’m shocked who stayed silent
I am an empath and truth teller from a highly dysfunctional family. I’m an investigator/lawyer for multi million dollar lawsuits taking down huge companies. I’m literally paid to spot covert fraud and subtle evidence. I also taught intuition for several years. My family still tries to tell me they didn’t do what I’m saying or whatever nonsense to this day. They’re crazy. Thank you for articulating it well. It has not been an easy life.
It is not an easy life at all. I hope that my giving this insidious form of systemic abuse a name - and my research supported book (included in this resource list I'm linking you to) - will make it just a little bit easier. And isn't it amazing that no matter what field of work, how successful, how credible, how respected elsewhere the FSA adult survivor is, the family continues to see only the warped and distorted pseudo-reality that serves them. As I say in some video or another here, it is quite similar to 'shared psychosis'. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you for your kind reply and for the resource, Rebecca. I was amazed to find your videos yesterday. This is exactly what’s been happening to me. I got your book too! I’m looking forward to reading it. Thank you! (Also, my real name is Erika. I go by Ben on here for privacy reasons.) Thank you!!!😊 🙏🏻
Hi Erika! Glad you're here and that you also got my book!
Mine was "Stop martyring yourself" or "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "You're so moody" or "Stop frowning, what will other people think". If I showed emotion, I was either punished, ridiculed or psycho-analysed whereby they would tell me "there's something wrong with you".
My favorite is “Why is it all about you?” Or “It’s all about you- isn’t it?”. Now that’s my shame bomb
Oh, I forgot those as well, woops!
Steevo, you asked me to help you find a video but now I don't see that comment - can you tell me again here?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 🤔 I can’t find it either ha!
I’m the family scapegoat. My mother died a few days ago and I feel a lot better.. relieved. She was the problem since always. To everyone else she was practically a saint. I wouldn’t wish my experiences on anyone. Thank you for your video.
My mother died this past Thursday. What I wish for all who are in our position is that we allow our feelings to be what they are, and to be at peace.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse my condolences.. I know how it feels. I wished my mother peace at the hospice. While everyone is crying and upset I can finally say I feel at peace and am the strongest in the whole family.
I'm sorry for your loss, not because your mother died, but for the fact you were deprived of the kind of mother you deserved when she was alive💛May YOU LIVE in PEACE. And may she rest in the dirt and answer for her actions in her next life if her soul reincarnates.
My mother passed at age 101 in 2018, after being on hospice for SIX YEARS. Talk about not letting go. 🙄 I don’t remember how many years ago I mourned not having a loving supportive mother. Maybe 50 years ago? I just did the right thing by seeing to her needs. 2 other siblings did nothing. One couldn’t, one wouldn’t. Now I’m a Nana to the Loves of my Loves. I wish I had had more years to live with knowledge of what I went through, not dwelling on the bs, but coming out of it and thriving for myself. No such luck. I am old now, can only do my best for my grand children and pray the love and encouragement I provide them will make a difference in their lives. There have always been pioneers. Live and thrive, Dear Ones. 🙏🏼❤️🕊
@@christinalw19wow, six years in hospice must be a record. That's incredible and I feel for your journey. My mom recently passed after being on hospice for 13 months. She was unable to get out of bed and literally on her back all that time. You can imagine how much assistance that required. It's a complicated situation when it's your mother. Holy moly I feel for you -- six years of your life on hold (I presume). I'm glad you have your happiness.
I am the scapegoat who totally bought into what the power holders were saying. From a very early age I thought I was so wrong and so bad that I didn’t deserve anything, not even food or air. I’m an empath, HSP and truth teller, always was and now that I’m estranged from them all, am back to being that person. They shut me up real good and made me extremely suicidal for most of my life. I was just feeling less than again because something triggered me so I thought I’d listen to your videos. I wish I knew about all this 45 + years ago because they really destroyed me and my life. These people are Satan’s minions.
I am glad that you have reclaimed your true self - something I briefly discuss in my book. An important (and critical) aspect of recovering from FSA.
What you’ve just said - it might as well be me talking.
I’m still recovering from the damage they done and can honestly say my life is getting better, after 27 years of hardcore healing, all thanks to the grace of God. 🌅
I pray for children all the time as I cannot bear to even hear a child cry..
Blessings to you hun.
I always can feel “vibes” from people, and when I describe that to someone, most people don’t understand me 🥺
I was very honest since childhood. I was bullied by all my relatives since childhood. I decided it was best to go zero contact. Now I see that everyone was in a narcissistic continuum and I was the only person who was constantly attacked. It made me think that I had to work extra hard to be a member of my own family, but no matter how hard I tried this never ever happened. I was always meaningless. After years of zero contact I feel normal again and I feel like I should have done this much sooner to save myself.
It’s crazy how it infects the whole family dynamics.
It's not only in families It's in organisations.
Yes, scapegoating is possible within any human system.
Totally agree, we have all been suffering systemic gas lighting, projection,brainwashing,among other narcissistic traits. Being attacked personally when we don't agree or comply.
This is my reality. As an only child growing up with a narcissistic mother, I was scapegoated for pointing out uncomfortable truths and for standing up for myself. I was beaten constantly for “talking back” when I was just speaking truth to power. As a 30 year old adult, my mouth still gets me into trouble from time to time. I can’t stand injustice, I speak up and call people on their BS whenever I encounter it, much often to my detriment. I never go along to get along because I simply cannot stand enabling toxicity. It’s exhausting and it makes people dislike me, but I cannot live my life pretending, that’s just not me. The friends that stick with me know I’m authentic and that they can always count on me to be honest with them. Recently a friend told me that that’s exactly why she loves me, what you see is what you get. It sucks to be the person always pointing out the world’s hypocrisies. People call you a buzzkill or harsh frequently, but I just don’t know how to be any other way.
Hi Marjorie, the scapegoating can be very harsh and severe indeed when the parent is narcissistic. You may have paid a price to hold onto your truth and reality, but for a truth-telling empath-type, there really is no other choice. You can't put a price on one's soul. Thanks for your comment and hope you subscribe!
Hi! I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading your comment. I'm with you. Being a truth teller is a lonely road. It's the light in me that keeps me going.
Yep
Same here hun, same here. 😁🌅
Me too.
There is a fine line between truth telling and being opinionated and commenting when we shouldn’t. I am trying to figure that out.
And you’re right, people would rather abandon you sometimes rather than face the truth about themselves and how it has affected you.
My sister has such a dismissive attitude towards me. As bad as my mother. I cannot be with both women at once. My mother is horrible. She is 104 and failing and to be here taking care of her is excruciating. Nothing I do is right. She is a tiny tyrant. Loves to fight. Manipulative as Hell.
And insulting. Goes from criticizing my hair. Ragi g because I choose to not wear makeup, my clothes are a Ness. I am too fat, I eat too much, I am not a success, etc etc ad nauseum.
The fact that it is generational trauma is of no comfort whatsoever. I wish I had cut ties years ago.
What a mess.
So many similarities!! It's so hard being related to these sorts of people. Sending love to you and I hope you find some beautiful people to have in your life that will treat you with love and respect ❤
I went through similar. YOU are great. Real, honest, caring. Of course they have to try to make you look bad-they are pathetic. Big Nothings. Rejoice in your reality. You are loved. 😉🙏🏼🤍
It doesn’t end with the family though. Most people I’ve known in my life have rejected me for the same reasons. For calling them out on their bs. Years of friendship over in a moment for calling them out and being honest. People just don’t like honesty. They say they want it but they prefer lies.
I have a few loving girlfriends and male friends but have met SO many narcissistic people who play out family dynamics with me. I spend a lot of time alone with my cats
My mother and brother REALLY don’t like me and have cursed me in the past. Surviving cptsd with very little solid support network is brutal. Yet I’m the one everyone comes to for support and expect to be able to just offload on me whenever they need to without showing any consideration for me and my capacity to then turn around and treat me like crap in return. I just don’t like people as a species. I prefer non human animals
As the poet Charles Bukowski once said: "Sure I like people. I just feel better when they're not around." He suffered terrible abuse as a child from his father, btw. No surprise there.
Cats for life! 😻😻😻
I am experiencing the same when I get honest and speak up, which most of my friends aren’t used to. I don’t attack people either, it’s almost in a caretaking fawning way that I say “my feelings are hurt by your behavior “. This has not gone well at all with most of my friends since I got into recovery a decade ago. One friend it went really well, thank goodness. But the rest of them the dynamic was they were superior and I was inferior. This was my own construct in my mind and the energy between us. Leveling up to seeing myself as equal is not encouraged by most of my friend circle.
I have developed severe complex chronic health issues and am an orphan of sorts with no family support and my friends judge me for not getting better already. No one seeks to understand the complexity of being impacted by mold (which is in 80% of homes) and how difficult it is to heal without family support. They all have family support and have no idea what it’s like to go through life without it and don’t see how privileged they are compared to me. I am seeing people differently now as I continue to take off my rose colored glasses. It’s very difficult and lonely. I appreciate this channel and all that Rebecca shares. I feel seen, heard, understood.
I experience a lot of people projecting their own issues onto me just like my estranged family did. When I try to get the person to understand that those are their problems, they get angry with me. Now, I just walk away. I am done defending, explaining, and trying to get people to see my point of view. Also, narcissists seem to be attracted to scapegoats so that's another dynamic scapegoats have to be vigilant about.
Oh sister, I so feel you. It is a living Hell.
In being told there’s something wrong with you you might hear, “I don’t want you to feel that way,” meaning “I will tell you what you are supposed to feel.”
Bingo. Nailed it.
My achievements were never acknowledged.
I discuss this phenomenon in my video here: ruclips.net/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/видео.html
Im the family scapegoat and an empath and not surprisingly I have a psychology degree. Both parents are narcs and let me tell you no dysfunctional family wants somebody like me whom can see through all their BS. They have labeled me crazy to the entire extended family and after my dad died and I called my mom on her horrible behavior, she abandoned me. I am 100% alone now.
Sadly, the type of experience you had featured prominently in my original FSA research findings. Linking you to my updated resource list in case you see something that might serve you at this time: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am alone too. Finally at 69 I can feel OK, not perfect but have enough confidence to live in the life that I created for myself. Just a handful of friends that love me for me. Luckily I became a nurse and it gave me a chance to give to humankind, to make sure that I did not become so depressed that I wasted my life. Thank you God.
My mother always told me" you feel things completely different than other people."
The message was obviously : you are not normal! Something is wrong with you!
Thank you mother, for nothing..
Indeed, dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems are at root incredibly energetically enmeshed, no matter how it looks on the outside; the one who is 'different' and/or more individuated is therefore pathologized.
Another phrase I used to hear from my narcissistic parents and siblings is you look into things too deeply.
Oh, yes - that is another one that comes up, often with "You're too sensitive" or "I was only kidding!"
Very similar to my narcissistic family who would often tell me, "Roxy stop over analyzing everything." How dare I question their authority with my ever expanding critical thinking skills 🤔...
👍👍👍
@@PassionateFlower Narcissists and tyrants want dumbed down people because they are easy to control.
They tell me that I am misunderstanding everything that they say. The whole family does it. I had to go no contact because they were upset about me improving my life. That's always been an issue for them.
Yes - this is typical in families that scapegoat. Successes are ignored, or actively sabotaged, by family members.
They really don’t want you to succeed or improve your life. It’s crazy but true.
I just discovered your channel. I am an empath and the family scapegoat. My mother passed that down to my children and I am forever in that role. I am to blame for everything.
My husband died eight years ago and now I'm virtually alone because I could not continue allowing my children to hurt me. I'm very ill and suspect I will die alone.
You are my one bright spot. You are helping me to make sense of all this after almost 75 years. I've always been there for everyone I love yet no one is there for me. Sad beyond words.
I'm so glad you're here and reached out. My heart hurt (in recognition of your FSA experiences) while reading this. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
As one empath to another, my heart goes out to you and i cried reading your post.❤ You sound like a very kind person and I’m sorry to hear of your illness. I just found out about FSA and this channel as well. I’m 39 and my family recently took this to another level inviting everyone in the family to easter except me. It hurts so bad.
Ditto Sandra.... just know you're not alone..... hang on to your God and shine brightly relying on the kindness of strangers.... and dogs! xxx
Thank you Rebecca. I can relate.
I was not allowed to cry as a child. Always with her back to me, my mother would tell me to quit my crying or she would give me something to cry about. Then with her brown eyes black she would turn around slap me across the face or spank me. So until I was 26 years old I silently cried myself to sleep every night.
(Back in the day when we wore hair curlers to bed)- I would wake up with my hair wet at my temples.
Now my mom is 89 years old with dementia. She cries alot and asks me if crying is bad or wrong. I tell her no, it's okay to cry. It's not wrong to cry. It's okay, God gave us tears. It's okay to cry, Mom.
This is a beautiful, poignant recounting of expansive compassion for self and others. May this quality (and ability) continue to serve you well, Jane.
Thank you Rebecca
So moving....bless you.....
DEFINITELY got the "you're too sensitive" thing when calling out the dysfunction as a little kid. Literal exact words.
I got it, too. As well as hundreds of my FSA research respondents and many commenters here. It serves to invalidate the child's experience. You may also want to watch this video here: ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
I was told " you care too much "
I would not sell my soul to my 2 narcissistic alcoholic parents and my mother and brother were schizophrenic. I was the scapegoat truth teller. My mother would often say that I just loved to be angry. I did walk away from all of them at 24 but it did follow me but I did therapy on and off all my life and now I have risen above most of it. I am 73.
Multigenerational trauma. You hit the nail on the head.
100%. I always knew deep down what reality was, and that I needed to keep myself safe until I could be fully independent. I didn't know it meant disconnecting from the family system completely, but I am willing to let go of anything that destroys my well-being and crushes my personhood. I have never let go of my reality and what I have known deep down, and I saved my own life. I tried to help my siblings find freedom when I realized my parents enjoy their own misery and perpetuating misery. Unfortunately, I had to go it alone. But Id rather be alone than in abuse.
"Solitude is the furnace of transformation." (Anonymous)
You go girl!
I'm told, "Don't start." When I point out the abuse.
Oh yes, that's one I had forgotten about. Also known as "Don't start....(speaking your truth / calling out the abuse").
My favorite was “ get that chip off your shoulder “.
Ugh, I forgot about that one! I think I may have forgotten "Get off your high horse!" as well (sigh...)
I was all of the things you mentioned. It’s no wonder that I was the family target from a very young age. My “father “ was a malignant narcissist rageaholic. He loved to scare me and provoke a reaction out of me. I was hunted down daily throughout the house and I would clear out places under beds and in closets to hide. He used to aim his car at an oncoming car and when I would gasp a bit my “mother “ would act like something was wrong with me. As a matter of fact, every emotion I had was wrong with her. My earliest memories of her were her rejecting what I thought, said, felt, etc. She would fly into rages suddenly but it wasn’t constant or clear what triggered her.
My siblings just went along with my “parents “. I became chronically suicidal but they didn’t beat the truth teller out of me and I’m still here. We’re estranged and it’s been great being away from all their stupidity.
I was raised in an emotionally and physically violent, and I use the word lightly, “family”.
My mother is a covert narcissist and liar.
She historically spent time with and traveled with her daughters and specifically left me behind. (I no longer consider these jerks as my sisters.)
I am one out of six kids who suffered the most abuse.
I had parents who were too stupid to use birth control.
They had no interest in being loving and invested parents, all they could do was crank out kid after kid and I bore the brunt of their mistakes my whole life.
They should have given me up for adoption!!!
At 57, I know that there is nothing that I can do to stop the mental abuse so I had to cut them all off; except for my two brothers.
I can’t take it anymore!!!
Nor should anyone in your position have to.
A stinking rotten kid who will never amount to anything.
They're not around to see just how successful I became because I proved them wrong.
I only wish I hadn't spent so much time fighting the poison they spewed.
I did a lot of damage to myself working dangerous jobs, not taking care of myself. Hating myself because believed them for many years.
Now that I've got a beautiful place to live, have what I need, I could die tomorrow and not care.
People can effectively destroy someone without consequence.
Most times its your own family.
Indeed - and an ugly truth that society has difficulty acknowledging. Not sure if you watched my first 'Bizarre Realities' video but you may relate to it, if not.
I have to watch these videos, each one of them like three or four times because I start dissociating so bad. I can hear your voice almost as if it’s in the background of something else taking place and it’s hard to focus or even understand a word you’re saying. These videos bring back so many horrible memories. I am so grateful that I severed ties and probably would’ve died had I not but now it’s like living my life backwards as every day there’s a new memory that pops in that I’m just like oh my God I can’t even believe evil people like this exist in the world and they are your family or are supposed to be.
Take your time. Take breaks as needed. I'll be doing a video soon on structural dissociation and complex trauma as related to family scapegoating abuse.
I can relate with what you said. When I have emotional flashbacks I can’t believe it all wasn’t just a horrible nightmare. The memories are hard to shake.
I was like that a year ago not able to process scapegoat videos or stop the CPTSD & dissociating, in & out of fear my memory was shot. The only way I could heal was total NC even feelings sensations were alien. I couldn’t tell when I was hungry thirsty or in pain. I’d bump into a chair & not feel pain yet a monster size bruise would appear. My narcissistic ex teamed up with my family & the dehumanisation was nothing short of evil. Don’t give up you can heal it’s possible my mantra was I am safe I trust myself I believe my intuition ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Being a family scapegoat is one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced and it’s still hard. I can relate to your pain and pray you have loving people in your life to support you. Scapegoats have incredible strength and empathy; we are some of the toughest people, yet still compassionate and sensitive. The world needs more people like us and less scapegoating jerks. Keep focused on your gifts and continue healing at your own pace. Blessings to you 🙏
"What's wrong with you?" It still runs through my head. Any display of emotion was not okay with my mother. And now at 70 years of age I still don't know.
As another commenter here said this evening: "The why will come to you as you heal and you'll realize it had nothing to do with you and had everything to do with them and a reflection of their own wounds." Powerful words. Here's my survivor resource list in case something catches your eye. Glad you're here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
It always puzzled me why my husband would become angry if I should cry about something that hurt me in the relationship. Angry. That just never made any sense. Now it does. Yeah, and he was always "just kidding."
HI Angela - I also see this with people who are not able to access their own grief - the anger is a defense against feeling grief that the Empath is able to feel - very threatening / also triggering to such a person.
I grew up being told I was too sensitive. I’m now no contact with 4 sisters and my mother. My father is gone and he was always a voice of reason so there’s no one left in my corner. Life is better when you take control and refuse to be the scapegoat any longer. I highly recommend getting out as the alternative is to continually feel abused for no reason.
I’m in such a unique position and it feels the only option is to go ghost on my family. My mom is a severe narcissist and I’m the family scapegoat. I keep trying to tell my siblings but they always find a way to make me the problem. I explain to them how she insults me, pushes my buttons, tries to control me, belittles me and offers no privacy. They didn’t express an ounce of compassion or empathy. They told me I need to focus on the positive parts about her and realize that she is just doing her best. It’s a dead end road trying to get help from my family. They all refuse to accept that my mom could be the problem.
I actually do see this type of narcissistic family structure in my practice and in my research on FSA: Narcissistic mother and enabling/codependent father. This dynamic is captured brilliantly in the oldie but goodie film, 'Ordinary People', by the way. If you are struggling to understand the dynamics at play, you may want to get my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Also, I am covering both narcissistic and dysfunctional family scapegoating in my video this Saturday, so I hope you have subscribed.
I was in the same situation. I cut them off ten years ago. Best thing I ever did for myself. I know who I am now and more importantly, I accept myself as a good person. It was difficult, especially around holidays but it ultimately saved my life.
Dear Lord‼️
this is my story! i jumped thru hoops for 50 Plus years (till the day my mom passed). Young people- don’t walk….please RUN from this abuse!
Same here…I walked away into the sunset after my mom passed away in 2016…
I hve one for ya doc, it’s all about you Jo! This is how they shamed me into silence. It’s not just about you Jo. But it was. I was the only child not wanted by my own father not allowed to go see him while he was dying. I was the only one not allowed to go to my nieces wedding after I paid for it. While my family partied on the beach for a whole week while I stayed home and wanted to die. Not one family member stood up for me not one. All I did was object to the treatment which you know is off limits. It’s a sneaky hard to bring to light form of abuse. I am the sensitive one. I was the empath.
Hi Joanna, your experience was reflected in my FSA research - Many, many FSA adult survivors have had similar experiences. I am sorry to hear this also happened to you.
I took these to my journal recently and wrote all the hurtful degrading things they told me and I lovingly rewrote the negative things they judged me with. Instead of slow I wrote active, instead of lazy I wrote active, instead of dramatic I wrote truthful…I will keep rewriting over their hateful words that pop up and take space in my head with MY words and regain MY headspace 😊🎉 ….with MY words and MY love ❤
Wonderful idea. Also, if you scroll down to the bottom of this channel's home page, you'll find 3 free affirmation videos I made that you can listen to daily as well. They are trauma-informed, also.
I'm the family empath and yes also the true teller and have been thrown away by all my family members even my own grown daughter. I've been alone for so long in my life.
I’m so very sorry to hear it. Unfortunately, these dysfunctional family ‘roles’ and patterns - and associated behaviors - do tend to get passed down from generation to generation.
Before i started to understand about this scapegoat role i was given A few years ago im 70 now i used to feel i had the weight of generations on my shoulders so it was validating for you rebecca to speak about generational issues thank you and i always used to where black
So glad my work here has been helpful!
I’m so sorry for you. Thank god I still haven’t daughter I hope they find a way back to you.
I can very much relate, Tracy Lynn. ❤️
I got “Don’t be so serious” and “Smiiiiiile!” from my Mother when I was an extremely unhappy child, with an unhappy face lol, due to the abuse going on in my home. My teachers at school used to write in my school reports that I “cried easily.” I wonder why!
Oooh, I got that as well, I had forgotten ("Don't be so serious!") I think we know why...(!)
Remember the book lord of the flies? A narc family does stuff like that to the scapegoat. 😭🥺🙏
Yes - several years ago I wrote an article about scapegoating and this famous novel. And I mention it in a video or two here as well.
My father was a malignant narcissist. I'm starting to think my mom and sister are covert narcissists.
Here's an example of a covert narcissist parent, in case it rings any bells for you: ruclips.net/video/jaFO4ABapi0/видео.html
Oh this is me. I’m the perceptive one who sees what others don’t see or even refuse to see. It’s sooo plainly obvious, yet only I see it. It’s probably better said that I refuse to deny it. The elephant in the room is there, but others just ignite it. I resonated with her statement about the tenacity of the perceptive person to hold to their authenticity. Wow. Holy moly! Thank you for your work in this. I’m sorry you have this knowledge yourself. Sending hugs.
Hi Janette, they say to "write about what you know" so my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) is one way I made lemonade out of lemons, as well as my work and research on FSA in general.
Is this why my father got so angry if I cried in front of him?? To this day, I'll run from him before I'll cry in front of him.
If a parent is repressing feelings or has trauma they are unaware of, any expression of "vulnerable" (authentic) feeling in another, such as crying, will invariably be activating and triggering to them at an unconscious level and they will want to put a lid on it immediately. If it is their own child expressing these threatening emotions, they have the power to try and put a lid on it via shaming them, commanding the child not to cry, etc.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse My father was horribly abused as a child, physically and mentally. I'm unsure how true some of it is, but my uncle loved to tell stories about their abuse at family holiday dinners. Looking back, I'm shocked at my uncle's behavior. Why tell such stories at Thanksgiving!?
@@evolingwren I've seen this before. This can be a defense mechanism protecting the psyche from the impact of the trauma. Stories about the abuse are told in an entertaining (dissociated) way. When it comes to how people process trauma, my best answer is, "It's complicated".
I ran away at 15. Family therapist (five minutes of it) said I was the recorder’ of the family. This was decades ago and I see he was an early identifier of the family empath. That one statement gave me permission at that young age to trust my own memory and intuition. Thank you Mario, wherever you are! Thank you to ALL the compassionate professionals who have helped me throughout my entire life! May God bless you all 🙏🏽🙏🏽❤️❤️
Beautiful story. One kind, insightful person can make all the difference when we are young. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. The intuition and own thoughts part is what I've been in constant struggle to hold onto for a while but especially last 4 months... This kinda cleared a while part of my mind hearing another person I don't know say this. (I've been in rough situation last 3 years and social isolation got to me becuz I was with family where if I speak louder than a whisper I'd deal with weeks of shame from the other family members). Man being isolated in a situation like this for so long brings u to a new type of low. I HOPE NO ONE allows that type of isolation and struggle with finances to last for more than a year of their adult lives... PROMISE ME NONE OF YOU WILL?
I found that that it's like a game of tag, and if they tag you and you just walk away, the game stops.
In my family, siblings continue to try and draw me back in when I walk away. It's as though they need to keep me in that role for their lives to make sense
That’s me !! I’m a proud Sensitive, Empath, and also the Scapegoat of the family. I’m having many emotions washing over me. Every word you said, I deeply relate too. I have cut ties with my family, but it wasn’t easy. I still struggle with that from time to time, but not enough to expose myself to that pain.
Lenore, if you relate this strongly to my video here, do try and check out my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - I have a chapter on the Empath child and family scapegoating abuse.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you, I will.
My earliest memory of my father: shouting at my mother "can't you shut him up!?". My baby teeth came in rotten, and I was in constant pain. I've since been the "source" of all the families problems, and blamed for it. Finally, 69 years later, breaking contact with my "golden child " brother. Good content!
Thank you! In case you are in need of further support after ending contact, I put together this list of resources for FSA adult survivors. Linking you to it here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Momster is 83 and still quite manipulative & divisive. She operates much like a covert narc w/ attention-seeking tactics. My two sisters are her flying monkeys. It's hard to witness. I visit from out of state, only if/when I truly feel up to it. Self-care is the top priority.
"They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same." - The Blacksheep
Did you see my video here on the covert Martyr Parent Ploy? If not, you may want to watch it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Will do. Thank you!
What a relief to finally at 73 be able to hear and understand the pain of my childhood and adult life. I cant ask why did it take so long I am just grateful to finally get some relief and knowing. Thank you so much! I am sharing with others who also desire the healing. ❤
Thank you, Linda, I appreciate your telling others about my work. If you are relating strongly to my content here, you may also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
I wish you all the best, Linda.. You are very strong to have such a view.
And yes; there will always be The Aftermath...❤
That's me the scapegoat of my dysfunctional family. I'm the sensitive empath. Now I'm learning more of the reason why I am like I am.
I was flat-out mocked, screamed at and hit for crying (they reacted to my true sadness as a “tantrum” even though I never threw tantrums). My heart goes out to any children currently experiencing the same thing. Please know it will get much better once you gain your independence.
Sadness = Tantrum = More reality distortion by the perpetrator(s) of scapegoating abuse in families, fueling and supporting what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’.
In my own experience only one thing matters with severely dysfunctional families. They need to be sent down their separate roads, as in court ordered to stay away from each other. I know many people don't like the idea of the courts being able to break up families. With me they ask a wrong person to sympathize. I am even in favor the law allowing children age 13 and up to initiate a legal process asking the courts to remove them from an abusive home. From age 13 onward I was looking for the door. I finally ran away at the age of 15, without even one regret. Just goes to show you how little use I have for family. I have no family and I am happy. I have no kids, and I don't want any. My two cents for this one! 😊
If only the courts would recognize these forms of ‘invisible’ abuse (sigh…)
I heard every single one of those phrases repestedly, along with a few others. I don't recall those things being said to the others. Then, if you don't buy into that, you have an "attitude."
I hate that not only did I grow up with this, I have to heal such abuse. 🙏😭
My mother's favorite thing to say when I was a child and something had gone wrong. TRUST YOU TO SPOIL IT.
Ouch!! 😔
I am SO HONORED to be who God created me to be. Empath, Truthteller, HSP, INFJ. Bring it. Blessings to All. 🙏🏼🤍🦅
The scapegoating accelerated as I approached age 40. Since I didn't have children or get married, I sense that I am more heavily rejected. Narcissist are obsessed with children, because children are the perfect supply for them. They let me feel the 'stigma' of being a childless and single woman more than anyone I've ever met. Their way of telling me I had failed was to gift me a pet rabbit for xmas. I was 40 years old! Who buys a rabbit for an adult? It's totally infantilising. I have distanced myself from nearly everyone in the family now. Only my mother I am still in touch with. However, my boundaries will be very hard with her. It's really tough, because I love her, but she tries to draw me back into the family madness and I can't live with the anxiety that follows from the abuse. They gang up on me.
We were just having a discussion about this (not having children and being scapegoated heavily) in one of my videos in the comments. I'll be getting a dedicated video out about this - This dynamic you describe did come up in my FSA research as well.
People don't like truth, they would prefer to hear the lie.
Some - but not all. Thank goodness.
Seems true for a lot of people, especially when discussing truth about the family.
People always get mad at the truth teller but not the liars. Go figure 🤔
@@teresadvorak6145 Because lies tickle their ears and don't require them to do anything differently, to introspect or to THINK for themselves.
Yes I can relate. From a very early age I refused to go along with the dysfunctional behavior and I spoke up. I always defended my siblings and the adults in the family did not like that. I hid the way things were from others but I refused to be a part of their toxic behavior. So yes I am and have always been the scapegoat
I'm the feeler and it terrifies them. Got me devalued, discarded, smeared in one swift movement. Feeling grateful.
I didn’t cry until I started healing.
Tears can be so cleansing.
💯💯💯
This is profoundly helpful. I have been cut out of my family for showing sympathy to traumatized individuals they have rejected. Every interaction I have with my parents includes some form of shame and blame. I’m walking away. Thank you for validating my experience!
Now you see why I named my book on FSA 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'! Glad you found my video helpful and good to hear you feel validated.
Not a therapist, but a theatre professor who specializes in Acting! All about sensing and vulnerability
I get it now- I have been challenging my husband's mother and dysfunctional family and he's been lashing out and gas lighting me like crazy. His mother never liked me because I always showed my genuine feelings. I was 'parentified' at a young age- I could read people to protect my mom from the "wrong" guys when she dated. I was praised for my astuteness then, but my mother-in-law is threatened by it. Hence after 33 years married to her youngest son, doesn't know my birthday and sends me a check in the mail usually a month late compared to the showering of gifts for my husband and daughter. thanks for video!!!
Hi Christine, glad it helped. The in-law issues can complicate and also ignite FSA issues. I'll be doing a video on this soon. Very painful.
thank You!!
Very painful indeed when the sister-in-law becomes the narcissist power holder in the "family". My mother taught her well. Now she is the exsisterinlaw. Still holds the power. My brother submits to her power. Parents signed over legally
(Through a different attorney than their long time attorney) all power to her.
In January of 2020 I found the document in their safe after dad came home from the hospital and the home health care nurse had questions.
The sister-in-law left my brother and moved into my parents house. The lies continue. She uses social media to spread her lies. A few see through her deception. Most have bought her false narrative hook line and sinker.
I am the "bad" daughter for not taking care of my parents.
Truth will prevail. Someday justice will be served. I appreciate this community. I read all your comments. And I pray for all of us.
THANKS REBECCA, Jane.
It feels uncanny how everything...I mean every thing...I hear on this channel is absolutely mirroring for me.
You may also want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed and Blamed, if you relate this strongly to my FSA material.
Omg I love your video because it's the truth. It's time to see the empath and the truth-teller as the powerful, normal ones and "the power holders" as the weak, insecure and mentally unwell. Because that's exactly what is going on.
Yes! Well said, thank you.
I am full of so much anger and sadness. I’m 58 and I don’t know how to continue living anymore. I’m broken and broken down.
Break downs are often break-THROUGHS in disguise. I hope you pick up my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many have found understanding, awareness, AND hope by reading it.
Oh Hugh! I'm so sorry. Did you go no contact with the N in your life? Or are you trying to manage it as best you can? There is HOPE!!! I felt like you too!!!! Going NC made ALL the difference for me, then you can begin to heal. You need a good therapist too🥰!
Hugh, don't let people define you! You need to find other things that make you happy like animals, travel and hobbies. Concentrate on just finding one good friend who you can relate to or join a group.
@@freetobeme101How do you deal ewith holidays? I have one froiend because I have to work all the time and there is no one to be with.
@@reginasemenenko148 If you are a truth lover like me, research the pagan roots of all the holidays they have us 'celebrating'.....that made it easy for me. I woke up to that before waking up to the narcissistic abuse I've endured all my life.
Yes I’m “different “ than my Dad’s other two, who are “more like” him. He was narcissistic and has passed I’m afraid the siblings have inherited his traits.
When I started to awaken I heard, your inheritance would come from your heavenly father, since mine is dead i assumed somehow him. You just cleared up that I was the only one who didn't inherit crazy! THANKS.
Same here
I’m the truth telling child and I have always disliked being around my mother when she gossiped on the phone with her friends. I would leave the room because it felt gross. I was 5.
Gossip certainly can correlate to scapegoating behaviors!
It happened to me all the time. My narcissistic mother blamed me for just expressing my emotions (You're too sensitive, i was just kidding, etc.) and then blamed me for what SHE did wrong or failed.
Classic. It is like there is a book such parents read from. Most Empaths get these same lines dished out to them growing up, as verified by my original research on this form of abuse (which I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA).
😏 I’m a double-threat. I like the sound of that. Licensed to feel and be authentic since birth 💪. I didn’t turn out to be a psychologist but I have always took interest in psychology and human behaviours. Instead I became a business owner and through my work have made hunanitarian differences within at-risk communities. My mother and family hate me.
You're in good company here, if that's the case (!)
Of course they hate you. They hate for you to succeed.
I have always been told I am overly sensitive and that I misunderstood somehow. Gaslighting to the max
Yep. So, so many people reported this in my original FSA research. I heard this endlessly as well (sigh).
This is 1000% me. When you said "gifted" and "beautifully sensitive" I really teared up, it has never been seen as something positive in my family. They have exploited this sensitivity (asked me to give up my job and autonomy to take care of the aging narcissist, or take care of my narcissistic sisters children.) I'm currently working on escaping this family and I'm so thankful I found your channel. Perfect timing.
Glad to have you here. You'll find my playlists on the home page of this channel. You may also want to read my book on this form of abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' - you can find it internationally on Amazon or most major online book retailers.
Because I was a truth teller I was told I was insensitive. This is just one of many ways my family attempted to alienate me from my true nature. Your words help me realize I was sensitive to the dysfunctions I was surrounded by. They were just discrediting/gaslighting me. What made the darker realities hard for most to see (even my highly competent family therapist cousin who spent a fair amount of time with us who is also scapegoated and whom I can't wait to share your material with) is that there was such effort to make everything appear not only OK in my family of origin but to establish that we were somehow a special and exceptional family. This was so much a part of two of my sisters identities that when my mother died they became untethered and joined forces against me. I definitely played the role of seeker of justice for all and felt that acknowledging and also felt dissolving our family roles was a matter of justice as necessary just to recognize our humanity. One of the things that has plagued me the most over time is how no one would ever stand up for me even though I have example after example of when I stood up for them even when it was against my own interest. I have studied "yoga of the mind" which helps one understand the human ego and that did help but maybee enough to keep my in a situation I should have left - in fact the two year class was full of family truth tellers. I had been trying to "go high." Now I'm just trying to go any direction and in a way I think that is the higher path - not only best for m but for my children and husband who deserve better than to watch me suffer and begin to be scapegoated themselves. Dr. Mandeville is a force for what must be among the most complex and insidious types of abuse a person can experience; I thank you for your work.
You have come to some important realizations and I hope my work on FSA brings you even more insights so you can make informed decisions regarding what would serve you and your spouse / children at the *highest* level in regard to level of contact issues, etc. Not sure if you read my book yet (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) or saw my video here on Siblings and scapegoating, but if not, you may find those two additional resources helpful. And thank you for your kind acknowledgement of my work (and research) on family scapegoating abuse (FSA) - It is insidious (and complex) indeed.
Your comment really resonates with my experience. I feel my two sisters have become the dynamic duo of dysfunction! And are hell bent on continuing scapegoating where my narcissistic father left off.
@@dnk4559 In Family Systems we call this sort of dynamic a ‘sibling alliance’.
I wonder how much of this is self fulfilling, by that I mean when someone is told they are bad and wrong, then they say to themselves and internalize the message of (at least I did growing up and well into my 20s), "I guess I am 'bad' and must do some 'bad' things now?" Almost like you are given license and expected to make bad choices, etc. (even though negative consequences can and will still occur).
Hi Tim, I used to run the family programs at addiction treatment clinics; I did observe this attitude in many of the inpatient residents being treated for addiction, and I did observe in the family meetings that there was a lot of scapegoating going on, i.e., the addicted adult child was in the family 'identified patient' role (in Family Systems terms). In general, a negative feedback loop would appear to develop early on in such cases, as you suggest.
Yes they have invested in you being less than so they can be more. It's a relief understanding that role can be quite and you can be who you really are. Yayyy
Tim this completely happened to me.
It’s like they sabotage your success. I thought I was doing it to myself in my 20’s until recently (in my 60’s) I realize I was sabotaged by my father all the time who set me up for failures when in reality I had so much going for me.
@@christar9527 yes. Good for you. You were probably targeted because you are gifted, not the other way around.
Unfortunately, in my family, it was my narcissistic sister who grew up to be a therapist. I grew up to be too much of an anxious mess to really be anything productive.
The smirk is all it takes.
I was invisible. Young child 4-8 years old. Just dropped off somewhere and left it there for hours.
Beach, library, state fair, any place where there would be lots of people.
IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT.
Peace 💕🇺🇲
No. It never was.
Oh wow! Now that is traumatic for a child
I don’t even know what to say - this sums it up for me 100%. Pretty much everything you said. It’s amazing that this is recognized now and has a name. It’s a very lonely place to be, thank you for this!
Hi Sarah, you might check out my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed - I devote a chapter to being the Empath in a family and the target of FSA.
I was told I was to sensitive and wasn't allowed to be angry, but my dad was and I wasn't allowed to cry, but my mother was. I learned crying is a weakness & to cry alone. I always knew there was something not right in my family, but I just never could put my finger on it. Thanks.
Wore black clothes for years! Never put the two together!
Can't remember if I said it in this video but in dysfunctional family systems, it is typically the case that only certain family members are 'allowed' to 'hold' certain feelings/emotions. Often, the FSA child / adult child is carrying toxic shame and the weight of intergenerational trauma for the entire family system, unconsciously, of course. I discuss this in detail in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.
TY. No the people in my family system don't like emotions. Sadness or depression are seen as flaws. It is a pertinent question when or if you are sad, depressed, or angry to ask yourself if it is yours because a lot of the time you may be carrying the emotions of other members of the family system that don't want to deal with. To paraphrase Robert Frost, good emotional boundaries make for good siblings.
Very true. I did a dedicated video on this, how carrying emotions works in dysfunctional/ narcissistic family systems.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I will look it up.
Noticed a lot of narcissitic people calling themselves empaths. Anyone else noticing this?
Yes!!!
Some are truly empaths and overly identify with that word - but many are also unaware mid range narcissists, per HG Tudor.
We all have narcissistic traits to a varying degree.. the mid range narc who loudly announces that they are an empath, it’s quite funny because they are mean mid range narcs. True empaths have emotional empathy, mid range narcs believe they are kind, which is insane because they are terrible.
I have always been extremely sensitive to energy and other's emotions. Part of that is because I was the family scapegoat of narcissistic abuse that caused hyper vigilance. So I'm both sensitive and hyper vigilant. Narcissists have no identity so the only way they survive is by scanning other's behavior in order to appear normal. Everything they do is mimicry. Because they can mimic other's behavior they confuse this with empathy. When the word empath became a huge term narcissists jumped all over it. It's another way they can feel special and present a perfect image to the world. I have a friend with, at the very least, high narcissistic traits. She was convinced that she was a "super empath." The word empath actual makes my stomach turn.
You told my story again. The validation is so helpful. Thank you for helping me feel like a gift rather than a problem. I appreciate what you are doing here so much. 😊
You are so welcome, Donnell - and you ARE indeed a gift to the world. Go and shine your light widely and brightly!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💜💜💜💜💜
There are many adult gifted children who don't work as psychologist, psychotherapists or psychoanalysts. They are natural healers without the conventional education.
Indeed, this can be so.
True for me... this empath scapegoat now provides healing Reiki for cancer patients!😊 Chiron is also in my First House! Blessings!
I am an empath, hiighly sensitive and was scapegoated, emotionally abused and rejected by my family.
I am also a natural born healer.
My mother said I was too sensitive. She also said in a scathing tone ‘you always look out for the lame ducks’
Saying someone is "too sensitive" is a means of dismissing and denying their responses and experiences, which is a key feature of FSA.
This is sooooooooooo me!! Scapegoat, empath, eggshell walker, a sensitive!!!
I have a chapter on the Empath in my book. It's linked at the top of this resource list I created for FSA survivors, in case you are wanting more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Me too check out being a HSP Highly Sensitive Person …..
Yes, I reference this book on HSP in my book as well - good one.
I am the teacher, therapist type but also disabled now and financially dependent. Feel like the only way out is ending me life sometimes. I’m going to ACOA which is helping but impossible, literally, to go no contact. Anyway, if it wasn’t for Rebecca and her bring this epidemic into the light here in the United States, I would still be spinning in confusion at 52 years old. I also found Sharna Hussain’s article “Ken Wilber’s 3-2-1 Process: A Method for Retracting Shadow Projections” a profoundly accurate description of my experience, my life and why so many mental health professionals choose to ignore the truth in the United States.
Thank you for all that you doing to help us out here. You are making a difference. ☺️
Glad to hear Wilber's process was helpful. Thank you for being here and for sharing what has been helpful for you, Carolyn.
"just by their very existence" = my life story. I am the double threat. Highly sensitive AND a truthteller. Oh man. Even beyond the family. I am the "reflector of things not wanting to be seen". I don't do it on purpose. But I do it. Sometimes just by me existing in any given circumstance. It is beyond belief sometimes how this happens. And the ONLY way I can reconcile it, for those times in particular, within me is to say "Jesus, for some reason, wants me to be alone". I have no other explanation other than it is something beyond this world of form here. This is a very long long story....but I am also scapegoated in my new family. My daughter is the power-holder and my husband and son go along, they are complicit. I am NOT allowed to have any feelings and the abuse my adult daughter dishes out towards me goes unchecked.
Many here will relate to your comment, myself included. Not sure if you read my book yet but I have a chapter on FSA and being the family Empath there. Book is at the top of my resource list here for FSA survivors: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Create boundaries with your new family. Visualise your body filling with energy. Affirm you are seen celebrated ; that you belong. Ask ‘how would I feel in my body if a loving, encouraging God were close by me right now?’ Cultivate that feeling in your body, your spine, your feet , heart, hands. I’m not sure Jesus wants you to be Alone. My intuition would be Jesus wants you to know you are loved, you matter, you came to shine your light and make a difference. You will get more respect if you create healthy boundaries. Guaranteed. If you end up needing to walk away again, those people were not,never, your people … 🙏🏼🌺❤️🩹♥️
My mother sang the song “Nobody Loves Me, Everyone Hates Me. I’m going to go eat Worms!!” So much!!
Ouch!
Feelings were not safe with my narc mother. She died recently, my inner child feels abandoned. I have a BA in Psychology, no doubt as to why.
@@VAMORGAN99 The inner child may still be waiting for the 'repair' to happen with your mother. Did you see my video on the repair experience, or read the article related to this by Dr Erin Watson that I posted with that video? You may find those two resources helpful, if not.
Ooh man I just sang that song yesterday as a joke at my job 😅 that was a huge part of my life, that song, my mother would sing that shit too, in a “oh woe is me” condescending tone
Empath and truth teller here!! Also licensed therapist. Spot on.
Thank you, Lauren, and I appreciate your comment.
You are welcome! I never thought I would be considered a scapegoat because of my accomplishments. For me it has been a lot of jealousy and feeling kind of like Cinderella in a way. I really feel seen so thank you so much for your work!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I truly do understand. (First-hand...!)
From a very early age my father told me that what I was thinking showed on my face . And he didn’t like it. That I had better learn to play the game. I didn’t know what he was talking about. I never said a word and I was in trouble.
It is a rigged game that no child or adult child should be forced to play.
When you are an empath, get scapegoated then (r)ejected from a dysfunctional family, to let your life "shine" following this kind or psychological trauma is a struggle from beginning to end.
But possible. Linking you to a list of survivor resources in case you are wanting more support options for this worthwhile journey of healing and recovery: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I appreciate the thought and intention. I am now 66 and I can say without a doubt that there is very little one can do to overcome the initial handicap of being born in a dysfunctional family. I tried everything, including: meditation, psychotherapy (13 years), sports, switching career in my 30s (requiring 5 years of expensive University attendance), reading tons of books, and so on. While some of these actions improved the externals somewhat, the internal landscape essentially remained the same. The past cannot be changed. Concerning psychotherapy, Freud rightly said: "It might be said of psychoanalysis that if you give it your little finger it will soon have your whole hand".
Basically, perverse narcissism is rampant and can easily be observed operating full on both at individual and national levels. At national level, the USA provide a perfect historical example: any individual and/or country that does not agree with its "values and way of life" is suitably destroyed one way or another and there absolutely nothing anyone can do about it.
There is no end to the trauma as you keep being confronted by them. When people die you can grieve, not so in this situation.
Agreed - One of the reasons I don't recommend psychoanalysis to recover from these forms of abuse, including what I named FSA (family scapegoating abuse). I address complex trauma symptoms first and foremost, and then go on from there. I'm about your age and as a therapist in training 20 years ago there was no mention of complex trauma, only PTSD. It has made a huge difference for both myself and my clients to address / reduce C-PTSD symptoms in regard to what I call 'family scapegoat trauma' (FST).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I guess you have the right approach. I found that one of the main problems was being unable to turn off the mind that obsessively rehashed old memories in vain attempts to find solutions which often kept me up at night. I suppose that being caught up in such a self-perpetuating pattern is probably the textbook definition of PTSD.
Observing the mind and realising that it is totally powerless to resolve old situations has been helpful in spite of the fact that it does not resolve the initial trauma and the resulting associated ultimate sadness that can never be eradicated.
What I find so disconcerting about my role as the family scapegoat, is that it has played out in many of my romantic relationships too ("too sensitive," "dramatic," and "I was joking," have been features of romantic interactions as well as my childhood), I'm still trying to understand why, but I expect it's because we tend to be attracted to the familiar.
Hi David, I have a video here about being 'scapegoated wherever you go' - You might want to check that one out. Also, my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', may also serve to fill in some long-standing gaps in regard to what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Hope you subscribe!
They are not able to live like us
My dad was an extremely wounded animal, lived his whole life in survival then gave all that pain to me. He'll die trying to be enough, I know I already am.
This is how the pain (and patterns of pain) are passed down from generation-to-generation, like a toxic, poisonous family recipe we are forced to eat.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I did good, 39 years near death but he failed to permanently break me 🙂
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse it's a legacy that fractured families particularly have a hard time figuring it out. When you don't even know your own relatives, alot of things will remain a mystery..
Yes, you SURVIVED. My wish for you now is that you also THRIVE.
Very true, Roberta.
This is powerful! see now I was a threat - and why truth is SO important to me in every aspect of life. You’re right - being sensitive is a beautiful gift. 🥰