1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
The only false self my narcissistic scapegoating family like about me is being compliant, quiet, and complimentary. They rage and punish the cry for help, the freeze and the flight trauma response. I left to survive and will never go back. Now even the most persistent and manipulative scapegoater (mother) no longer hoovers and instead uses silent treatment. That is progress as my authentic self can finally just be without more decades of abuse. Thank you Rebecca.
Thank you for all your research and work. You are opening the world to a greater sense of acknowledging the depth of emotional abuse many of us have experienced, survived and thrived. 💗💗
The damage to my life included stories my mother told my siblings about me; they were either totally untrue or real twisting of truth. My “faults” became truth for them. To this day I am cautious about expressing myself with them. My body absolutely feels the aura of just being “tolerated”. Those lies and stories did their job. I’ll never be close with my sibs.
Its very sad and empty feeling when you realize they don’t know you at all, and have no desire to know you. Sometimes they are even aware that they dont, and say little things to let you know they dont care. 😢
Yes. And at times, with surgical precision. I find inspiration from this line in the Tao Te Ching: "The sword enters the Sage, but does not penetrate." Once we are living authentically, aligned with our truth, we will know the living reality of this phrase from this little book of ancient wisdom.
For sure they say things that show they don’t care at all. Like not noticing a serious life changing injury or event that people who are basically strangers notice but your narcissistic mother doesn’t. I haven’t listened to the video yet because I’m worried about triggers but I saw your post and I felt the pain.
I do have the feeling my narcissist family members know me quite well. But they don’t like who I am, they are jealous of who I am. So they just make up terrible things about me. They want me to be a bad, ugly person because that will make them feel better. They hate me so much for who I am. I stopped loving them!
Finally, at the age of 65 (and 6 years of no contact with my toxic family), I get to ask myself questions that never occurred to me. Like...who am I, what am I, how am I, what is my role in life, what are my goals in life? Who is the real me? Not the false self that was labeled and shamed. Not the one that was identified as the troubled child and scapegoat. At this point in my life I finally have the opportunity to define myself. My true self. My beautiful, innocent inner core self. And I am pretty freaking fantastic!
She is not lying! I am now learning not to accept "toxic" behaviour from anyone including work colleagues - just had a talk with the receptionist of the law firm I work at re: her rude & unprofessional behaviour toward me for which she did apologize. No longer sitting by and allowing others to throw up all over me. Thank you, Dr. Mandeville!
That's truly inspiring, it's so very difficult to know exactly when & how to incorporate our authentic, healthier self (that we become as we begin to heal) into our work self which to some degree for everyone involves wearing a mask.
Yeah, I've learned that I can't let the small things grow into the big ones. Typically people like those will try to sneak it in after things are ACTING peaceful and they're overdoing the treating you nice part. (But with some folks this is just a setup). so I politely call it out as it's happening. they deny it, of course, and probably try to make me look crazy behind my back about daring to say something about it. (The problem with letting some things slide is that...the next thing you know you're caught up in a avalanche out of nowhere.. I'm not saying I choose to be confrontational or difficult--but I nip certain things in the bud early when someone consistently shows bad faith on occasion)
@@MattJimmy Yes, it’s the letting things slide in. Then they get more cruel/corrupt. I also had to learn to immediately set up boundaries, even the smallest thing anyone does to me, I will let them know, it’s not okay for me and I won’t accept it.
This is an absolutely horrible situation being the family scapegoat. I dare say this predicament could lead to great tragedy. Family who scapegoat are evil.
THANK YOU. When I first figured out I am the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, there were absolutely no resources out there at all. I had to figure out everything by myself by cobbling together pieces about C-PTSD and general information on healing from narcissistic abuse. Not only are these family systems finally becoming more discussed, but here you are, with a channel just for the scapegoat. You are doing a great service by being here.
Thank you - I did feel it was needed. I remember there was very little 'out there' when I began searching for resources years and years ago for both personal and professional reasons. If you haven't yet read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', you might. I stitch a lot of concepts together and it is based on years of qualitative research I conducted on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), as well as client cases and my personal experience. Hope you check out my playlists - You might be especially interested in the one for survivors, clinicians, and therapists.
Can't agree more! Was filling up on Narcissistic families and parents, enablers.. And this is my freshly found focus area as I am myself the 'can never win scapegoat'... Thank heavens for the algorithms that eventually brought me here
I remember “waking up” one day in my 30’s and realizing my family members could always manage to get me to act a certain way and then say “there you go…causing another problem”…. I started to catch myself getting hooked. I would get really anxious first and then would act in a way I didn’t recognize. I used to feel like I was “completing something” for them by acting like a goof or an anxious mess the way they expected me to. I was really confused by that for a long time - asking myself why I was doing that. I would try so hard to catch it before it happened but most of the time I couldn’t. It’s great to hear this description of how the false self forms. Maybe that’s what I was experiencing, only trying not to let it happen??? It doesn’t happen to me now. But I’ve had years of therapy !
It is possible that you were caught up (unconsciously) in the (equally unconscious) 'Family Projective Identification Process" (a Family Systems term). Your description of feeling you were 'completing' something for the family in some mysterious way leads me to wonder that - also, that you felt relatively compelled to do so. I discuss this in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and in a few videos here. You can also google the term and I have at least one article about it on my website's blog. It is common in both dysfunctional and narcissistic families, but especially common in dysfunctional families with intergenerational trauma.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for replying to me and giving such helpful information. I’m trying hard to read it because it’s so helpful but for some reason my iPhone’s access to your reply is cutting off the text at the right margin, leaving a word at the end of each line that I can’t see. Technology is so maddening sometimes!
I used to have the same problem, and then I learned about what "baiting" was, and started practicing trying to spot when it was happening before falling into it. I failed a lot of times, but now I can spot it when they try to get me into an argument, and change the subject or exit entirely. I'm glad it doesn't happen to you anymore.
One term that's popular for this in psychological circles and anti NPD ones is called DARVO (deny and reverse victim order). I got to a point where I could recognize it was happening and just almost laugh as I got off the phone thinking that someone would go to that much trouble to make me look like a bad guy or themselves over convicting one it was obviously the other way around
@@raven4090 Thank you for throwing this word "baiting" into the conversation because it became one that I also adopted from anti-NPD recovery circles. "Negative supply" is another concept that saved me from taking the bait. PS--maybe you didn't quite "FAIL" as you're assuming here! I felt pressure from this community (ones similar to this one)!to greyrock at 100% in certain situations and I just realized that not only was that not natural but that was also turning myself into a doormat of sorts. PSPS--You might as well not worried about who they're turning against you behind your back because you never had a shot with those people just gleefully jumped on the bandwagon only hearing one side of the story. All those evident secret haters (20/20 hindsight*) did was inadvertently do you a favor by cutting loose some extra weight or haters you didn't need in your life *You're going to look back at moments in your life if you're like me and realize that those types who joined Team Hate showed signs of having it in for you way before things came to a head/confrontation what seemed to be a sporadic bizarre disagreement was not just a one-off after all. Hindsight is always 20/20 and NO ONE needs people like those in their lives
I can SO relate to yet another of your videos! My whole family plus some relatives believe the narrative about me. I got rescued from sinking into it by a song when I was 13. "Tightrope," by ELO. My mom called the record album it was on "a waste of money," ($3.99) It was the best investment I've ever made in my entire life. It gave me the ability to hang onto who I am even though I couldn't even know exactly what was in the box until recently. I finally got the time to open it and start unpacking the damaged pieces of my heart, and now I can start fixing what's reparable and throw the rest away. I'm in tears now, but they're good ones.
Music / lyrics can indeed be soul-saving. Joni Mitchell was that way for me. As an adult, I was assisted by a line from a P.I.L. song (Rise): "Anger is an energy!" God love Johnny Lydon (formerly Johnny Rotten). Thank you for sharing this with us, Raven.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse When I was in high school a wild kid that I admired from afar LOVED the Sex Pistols. Thanks for the good memory. I'd forgot about that.
Im going to look for that song. One that saved me was “Ain’t No Grave” sung by Odetta. She’s passed on now but she was a popular folk singer of the 1960s.
Yes. I was viewed as evil from my family and then went to Catholic school and was bullied by some of my classmates so I did my best to morph into and mirror everything that the popular pretty girls did so that I could be “friends” with them and protected from their bullying and into the cool group. I liked whatever they liked. Whenever I tried to do/like my own thing, I would get made fun of so I would fall into line as closely as I could.
Yes, we can consider peer groups as social systems as well - You found a way of adapting and surviving a bullying environment but we can lose touch with our authentic self due to this, especially if it began in our family-of-origin.
Don’t know what it is exactly about catholic schools but they seem to be less fair to others and everything goes…It might be because catholics are brought up thinking that they’re here to suffer or is it that the catholic abuser seems to get off the hook easier under a heavy veneer of being super religious, putting on display plenty of statues and paraphernalia and being most holy and closest to whoever they think Christ is to them.
Anybody who says your book is a piece of crap, NEEDS TO READ IT THE MOST! They are the most damaged and don't have the courage to look within themselves. We beautiful souls who DO read your book (I keep it out all the time to read over) and tune into this channel, have the courage and desire to retrieve our authentic selves as hard as it's been. BECAUSE WE ARE WORTH IT!
That's one of the things about being victimized by this form of abuse (family scapegoating): It does indeed take courage; however, for many of us, we have no other choice but to fight for the life of our souls - Because at some point, when we start to wake up to what has happened, if courage doesn't motivate us to heal, the pain will.
True in narcissistic family systems; not always in highly traumatized family systems (look up the Family Projective Identification Process - I also discuss this at length in my book).
I grew up being the scapegoat. I used to fail on purpose to please my mom. Why in the world was I doing that? I had to go no contact because the only love and attention I got was through failure. Such self hate I developed. I had bulemia that nearly killed me. I kept going back to the family out of Christian love, but this last round I realized I would die staying in the circus. I had to choose. I feel really stupid failing all my life to please these people, who truly hate me.
Most who experienced this were simply trying to survive, often via complex trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, force, 'cry for help'). Self-compassion and speaking kindly to oneself is critical.
Unfortunately, narcissists take advantage of Christian love and weaponize it against the scapegoat. Narcissists do not play by the same moral rulebook as you might. In fact, some narcs are amoral.
I was a fighter and always felt a deep sense of unfairness. It didn't stop me from getting into toxic marriages, with my second marriage being more abusive than my childhood. I have been reading a lot of comments here, and have so much in common with so many of you, but I have wondered why I am not a people pleaser. I do have a fawn response on occasion, but I am mostly a fighter.
The statement that scapegoats are projected (upon) rather than protected by their families is the most concise and yet all encompassing and accurate description of my personal experience. It can be so helpful to have such a phrase to shorten the story in my head. This is what happened to me. I don't need to review details unless I choose. Thank you Rebecca!
Yes, this just slipped out my mouth, I had no idea I was going to say that until after it appeared... I'll do a full video around this, it is a short and tidy way to sum it all up (!)
I loved this phrase. My mom allowed my brother to terrorize me and chase me and beat me with a hammer. I was 4.5, brother 3.5 years old. I begged her to pick me me I . He was CHASING me WE ITH A HAMMER. She REFUSED to pick me up. I felt so betrayed, I stopped running, and he hit me on my head WITH A HAMMER. SHE ALLOWED it. She said it was my fault, since I was teasing him. He is the golden child. She's NEVER held herself accountable for anything. They never do. Covert narcissists are so evil.
This is horrible. I'm so sorry. I fell once, my head hit a rock and I passed out and I never got medical care. I still have migraines. It's hard to comprehend how powerful the role of "golden child" is unless one has seen it. My mother would tell me that when golden child comes to visit the sun shines and when I come it rains. Once I just told her that I love rain and that ended the conversation. One thing about Mom is that she was easy to confuse. Throughout our lives golden child would receive support that I wouldn't even through some huge life challenges I had that she didn't. I suspect my parents just didn't want to do the actual work of helping me but I was also trained not to ask for help. I was shy and withdrawn (for good reason) and golden child (two in my family actually) was entertaining. Gosh I could go on forever - but certainly the golden child role is as powerful as the scapegoat role. I do think the golden child skates on the surface through life, most often doesn't see what's before them, and that has disadvantages. @@Daysleeper1000
As a scapegoated child i realised long ago i was on minimum life support (as regards to my family). You develop a system to survive with the least amount of hurt. You swallow the pain. I always thought it funny i was the only one who showed any sort of loyalty to my family. probably conditioned that way.
Possibly conditioned, but I also wonder if you would identify as being the family Empath. I have a video on that here, and there is a chapter about the Empath and scapegoating abuse in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThanks. Yes i probably am an Empath. I did see your video on that a while back. It's strange how you take notice of other people's feelings but try and bury your own in case of more hurt and being vulnerable. Another survival tactic i suppose.
Same. I am getting to the point where I can see how certain traits would never work in a relationship. The insistence on maintaining superiority and the upper hand, for example, destroys intimacy, because intimacy requires vulnerability and equality.
I REALLY enjoyed this video! It is so sad that everyone is born with a " clean slate " to write their life goals and hopes on. You're born feeling happy with a positive outlook on life. Then a damaged parent or sibling thinks it's their right to design the " you " THEY want you to be. I was the designated " Sacrificer " . Whenever a kid wanted something, I had to give up something ( a toy, money or peace of mind) Example...my eldest sister needed $ 100.00. My mother called me and told me to take her $100.00 because she ( mom ) hates to see one child doing good and the other one suffering. I took my sis the money. 10 yrs later, I had an unexpected car repair bill that set me back. I couldn' t pay my rent. I was evicted. I called mom from my car asking her if all of my siblings could just LEND me $10.00 each to help me. Her reply..." No they cannot help you. " Then she hung up the phone. I remained homeless for 4 months in the winter because she refused to ask anyone to help. She never failed to call on me to help any other sibling. That gave me " righteous anger". I never put any of them before my own well being again. She taught me from an early age that it was my responsibility to help others then maybe myself. Thank you so much for helping us all to wake up and become free. I am glad I have your book. I feel empowered ❤
You're welcome, BB - Your story reflects so many FSA adult survivors' experiences. I wonder if you identified with having a 'fawn/submit' trauma response - in such cases, family 'expects' you to sacrifice for them - AND, they do not even see or consider the fact that it IS a sacrifice. This is why there can be a lot of systemic push-back when the FSA adult survivor begins to wake up and say "NO".
Thank You so much for understanding every one of us. My husband left us well set financially when he died. So my mom would volunteer me whenever a sibling needed money or a favor. One day, she & dad bought a RV and asked my kids to clean it out after my G.C sister's kids rode around in it with them. She told me she wasn't taking my kids because she had promised my sister's kids first. I politely told her if G.C.'s kids rode in the RV, and didn't clean it out, my kids will not be cleaning it. I reminded her of how she treated me the same way she treats them, like servants. Because I told her they were not to be mistreated, she became angry. She was used to me complying everytime. Golden Child sided with her. I used to be a big time "fawner" 😁 I wanted them to like me. No matter what I did for them, mom always seemed to accuse me of having hidden selfish motives. I'm just glad to be free😁 Learning that we get to decide who we want to be is not up to them is liberating ❤
I am sad to know your mom treated you badly in this way too. I don't know how a " mother" could live with the thou ght of her own child going through the most difficult situations and not try to help. We are strong! ❤
Cute hairdo, Rebecca. I remember (before I went No-Contact with my FOO) how hyper-vigilant I was around my sick family. Once, I had to temporarily move in with my narcissistic mother and 2 full-grown narcissistic brother and sister. We took turns cooking dinner - and one evening it was my brother’s turn. He wasn’t home at the usual time, so I assumed he had to work late and would appreciate my cooking dinner so he could relax when he got home. He had a fit of rage when he found out that I had made dinner. I honestly thought that he would appreciate my thoughtfulness. It really hurt me to the core. In fact, just typing this made me cry. 😢
Thanks, Elizabeth. As we recover, and as we begin to recover our feelings and our truth, we can feel even more the pain of those types of confusing transgressions and experiences. I am glad you can access this pain, and those tears.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse At the risk of me looking like a "drama king" or allegedly "oversensitive," like the saying goes in some of these circles, "You have to feel it to heal it!" (I tried it the other way for years with low contact/grey-rocking and that just got me into bigger holes than I was already with those types)
I just went through a 2 year cycle of narcissistic abuse from my trauma therapist. I have been no contact with my entire family as well. I had a Narc mother and I am the empath scapegoat with a golden child older brother. I also had a Narc ex partner, narc supervisor, and the list goes on. I suffer a lot of structural dissociation, CPTSD, and I have worked through Janina Fisher's book on my own. Every time I made progress, my therapist knocked me down again. It has been a long uphill battle. I'm now exploring IFS/parts work and trying to regain the courage to try to find a new therapist.
So very sorry you experienced this. Janina’s website does have a search feature where you can find therapists internationally trained in TIST (Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment).
Have you read John Cleese's book written together with his psychiatrist Robyn Skinner Families and How to Survive Them? It was written about 40 years ago. In it, they talk about the role of the family scapegoat. They also talk about an experiment that was done on how people unconsciously choose partners that resemble family members, and how people brought up in orphanages have trouble connecting with a partner, suggesting that even a bad family is better than no family. I hope I am recounting it correctly as it's 40 years since I read the book, but I am pretty sure that was the upshot of it.
Speaking of the true/false self, today, my mother made me realize how different I'm from her. Unlike her, I've chosen authenticity over attachment. I'm not a people pleaser, I don't go along to get along, and I've chosen to be true to my nature. I used to get really upset with her, but now I know to limit my conversations with her to protect my mental health. Any parent on this platform reading my comment, please understand that when you play small, stay quiet, and reduce yourself in order to remain under the good graces of your narcissistic adult children, including in-laws, you give up your authority, your respect as a parent, and your throne as queen and king.
I know from other comments here today that your message this afternoon is needed, Yasmine. As always, your presence and your sharing your recovery journey is inspiring. Thank you for being here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm grateful to have found my tribe. I thank you for creating this safe space for us. Your video on neural pathways was pivotal for me. I'm learning to rewire my brain and to respond differently in situations mentioned above.
@@Yasminescookingshow Good to hear. Janina Fisher's workbook, Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, may also be helpful for you, if you don't have it already.
41 years ago i was born ,my authenticity died in 2019 since my official estrangment from all of them but hey I'm still here breathing getting up every morning I count my blessings.
It is interesting that when you (the scapegoat) try to defend yourself or set boundaries or stand your ground against the attacks and belittlement by other family members, you are then perceived, by them, as the attacker, the trouble-maker, etc.
Yes, my research on what I ended up naming 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) indicates this is a key aspect of the FSA phenomenon, as described in my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
My biggest fear was that my family wouldn’t accept the real me. I hid her so far down, I lost her. I went along to get along. Fit in the neat, little box they wanted me to. Did and said the things I needed to make it through. I started my healing journey a few years ago. I went ‘all in’ on myself. I found her again. I forgot how beautiful, kind, and magical she was. As it turns out, my family doesn’t accept my authentic, truth telling self. My biggest fear, actualized. The irony, Idgaf what they think any more. I’ve created my own safe space. I give myself validation. I give myself unconditional love and acceptance. I never needed it from anyone else. The hard truth, I was never going to bloom in that environment. People who love you don’t treat you that way. ❤We can heal past the abuse xoxo
Every word of this comment here is GOLD. Make that PLATINUM. I have nothing to add, except that I celebrate your breaking through to the other side - into the TRUTH of who you are. BTW, part 2 of this video will be out this Saturday 11 am PT.
I’m happy for you that you are able to be your true self. 👍🏼❤️ I wished my sister would be able to realize that she’s not her true self, because she knows our narcissist mother wouldn’t accept her for being her true self. My sister watched our mother trying to destroy me for being my true self. So therefore my sister can’t be her true self. She was even afraid to leave her last boyfriend, because she knew our mother would not like it if my sister left the handsome lawyer. And when my sister was 41 years old our mother told her to go no-contact with me. And that was the last time I had heard from my sister. My sister is 45 years old and I lost all hope, she one day will be able to break free from the narcissist family cult.
I'm so grateful that I found your channel and for you specifically because nobody has ever talked about this with me and I have been in one form of therapy to another most of my life. I got blamed for everything, I was very different than all of my family in many ways. My mother was my life saver but my very violent father traumatize me terribly. My other siblings made it out okay, I became a drug addict and end up in jail although I did get a college degree eventually and became a commercial fishermen, I'm gay, cross-cultural because I'm native and white, my mother died when she was 48, I didn't talk to my other siblings for years and then I did and I was really never allowed to be me. They're very conservative Orthodox Mormons, my liberal weighs and being gay escort me a lot of pain with them. Not long ago I drank too much wine and sent them messages that were not very nice but we're what I had been feeling for a long time. They no longer want anything to do with me. Sadly I feel Free by that decision. I've been diagnosed bipolar, and agoraphobic and OCD. I have been with the same man for 18 years we have a son and a grandson and I have three dogs and I have peace, finally. I left home when I was 12 years old. I never leave my house in haven't since 2010. I've been addiction, and have been clean from heroin and other drugs since 2012. I have a great relationship with my partner and my son and my dogs. I don't trust people and always feel like I have to be somebody else to be their friend., like I had to be someone else to be a part of my family. Thank you so much for your outreach and your RUclips channel I have subscribed and listen to quite a few of your programs but have never commented until now. I just want to say thank you. Jeffery Blackwolf
Hi Jefferey, you're very welcome. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Righteous anger is another dynamic that I’ve grown from my years of FSA. Funny you used the dish dropped towel story, my anger was triggered by my bath towel dropped next to a toilet in my apartment with 2 roommates. I lost it! Now I see the source.
As soon as I got out of abuse in my past marriage, and started to become my real self, BOY did my family push back!!! 😂 luckily I sat after trusting myself OVER them. They can think what they want, GO AHEAD! I know me BEST!!🎉🎉🎉❤
In the field of Family Systems, we all this the "Change Back!" dynamic, the underlying, unspoken statement being, "We don't know how to deal with you as a healthy, boundaried person - Change back so we are comfortable!"
lots of people are talking about this now. as far as I can tell, and in my experience, you were the very first person who starting to spread this information. what a gift to the harmed adult children and institutions that work with children. Thank you
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I think FSA was used to be a snowflake (a visible part of reality), your insights too the raw material of truth, made into a snowball, and it is now rolling down a snowy hill. Growing and spreading on its own now. You can search FSA and it's everywhere. But I've been searching these circles for two decades now. The answers weren't there. But they are now. Your book was the first shattering of gaslighting fog and a way for me to make sense of my experiences. Thank goodness you're healing up. I would imagine long-term ailment and life shortening are dose dependent. Frequency and duration. I wonder how fatal FSA is and/or how many years it takes from your life. I just see a pattern of scapegoats barely making it past 40. The ACE Score study showed life expectancy reductions even when controlling for "bad habits". I wonder if somehow we could single out FSA. Then, if we could figure out where the damage maybe we can manage or reverse whatever the damage is that causes our bodies so much long term injury. Then, it become a large scale public health issue. And maybe ordinary folks will start taking it more seriously. Tho... if I think about it... that's what they were hoping the ACE study would do. And it was well received in many countries. I remember Ireland, i think, had a whole conference with experts and politicians there to think of solutions. That did noooooot happen in the US. But... it's be ten year or more since then. Covid did open a lot of people us to new realities. I wish you luck. If I had something to offer to help, I would offer it.
Given the reality that the terms 'family scapegoatingabuse'' / 'FSA' and my decades of research on this form of abuse are only rarely attributed to me, I do appreciate your comments. Unlike in academic circles, most people speaking about these things neglect crediting the original authors/researchers. It's a bit like the Wild Wild West out here in YT and social media land. (!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse You have no idea how comforting it is to know you exist. I have this.... calling... to change the world for the better. NOTE: I'm very clever and bored. Hence the long message. It's cool if you don't read it. I'm chronically ill so I understand pacing yourself. I'm just sending my best, praising your work, and riffing/brainstorming a little. It seems like I was born with it. In a world of violence and "everyone out for themselves" I did not succumb. I was the scapegoat who fought back. And I sure hope that does mean I've retained some of that potential. Perhaps what is "calling" me is that unharmed and truest part of me. I've heard the truth teller can become the scapegoat/identified patient because they won't just grin and bear it. Boy did I ever try to fight back. I gave in a lot too tho ...and just be their perfect porcelain doll and puppet. Just for some peace. Before I speak/share my thoughts I consider if I'd enjoy it for someone to say to me. I think this passes that test but I'm not 100% sure. But, getting to message you from time to time, feels like... Messaging Mick Jagger or something. So I guess some people become big fish in very specific ponds. And this minnow is always like.... OMG. I'm conversing with the real live author of the book that changed the narrative in my head. Invented and spread what happened. Made it normal. I wasn't weird. I did have a reason to be miserable. The gaslighting got weaker. LOTS weaker. Now I'm making a poetry book and I LOVE it. Most of the time when I write poems, I feel that little spark inside me. And I can let myself lean into it. It's a great way to occupy my time. You'd be proud tho. A family dog passed away this week and I wrote a memorial poem for him. The dog's guardian, who is generally not comfortable with anything but happy small talk, they said it made them cry and feel like a part of their dog was back with them. My husband hated that family dog. And he said he even cried. My husband even asked if I would write an "ode" for him and I have a million ideas. I have a weird skill. Poetry. He didn't even like the dog and he also felt this intense crying catharsis despite his tendency to leave feelings inside and ignored. My words somehow allowed them to bypass their blocks/masks. And it was so easy. It took ten minutes to write and then I edited 3 or 4 times. A total of like 30 focused minutes. Hmm... I might be getting good at this. I'm not worthless. I am not my sick body. I am not my body. I'm what's inside that thinks, feels, learns, and makes choices. That's who writes my poetry. Got published a few times in the college annual book and a statewide one. And those are EMBARRASSINGLY bad now. I think that's a good sign that I've discovered my voice. Who I am. My beliefs, my own voice, my personality, my holistic self. But making someone cry and feel slightly healed from their grief. That's not a stupid poem. And they aren't pointless. Or a waste of my time. I'm. Not. Bad. Never was, really. Will I ever feel that in my gut? I think the amount of time since I escaped is coming up on the same number of years I was held captive. It less intense now than it was the day I escape. Does time (especially time in a safe place) heal the wound by filling up your life with other things. Like, someday those first 18 years will only be 30% of my total life. Maybe that how time sometimes heals. The percent of your life that was painful gets smaller the longer you live in a safe and reliable household. Especially if its filled with unconditional love. I've got a loving immediate family at home who communicates and holy moley.... watch a kid grow up in a happy home. That's a VERY different kid!!!! I would love a video of what it's like to raise a kid really well (our life is like the kid's show Bluey but real). But every single new stage bring back a memory of you at that age and what happened when you did the same thing. I don't have any instincts in me to be mean. I don't have any fight to keep calm. That love is easy for me. So, my life become confusing. I forgave both parents when I moved out. I bought their story that parenting us was such unbelievable torment that they literally couldn't control themselves. And I believed that. Until I became a mom. And every minute of the day I need to just grin and bear it as I watch this great childhood. That's MORE fun and easy for parents. I mean the physicality and vigor it takes to abuse for hours and hours every day burning with rage. How the heck did they even have the energy? They had full time jobs. Why not parent in easy mode? Love unconditionally, do little plays to show conflict resolution, kid proof your house so no special vases can get broken by a baseball, but mostly just go with the flow. We never wanted or expected "obedience" but he gifted it to us. It's an odd metaphor. But it reminds me of having a disciple and earning their respect and trust and hopefully they choose to follow you of their own free will based on evidence rather than the other way around. So often kids are told "You need to earn my/our trust". That's not our vibe. I always felt like we needed to earn my kid's trust by being reliable, safe, and truthful. If we say we'll do it, it happens. There are no big personality swings or changed. We're the same mom and dad every day. Gentle, compassionate, with unconditional positive regard, taking his "problems" seriously ("You cut the grilled cheese the wrong way" 😭"You seem really upset." "I'm sad!" "That's tough. Maybe we can fix it. What if we cut it in 4ths? That REALLY showcases the cheese" "ok!") and abundantly full of love. And "bad behavior" goes away on it's own like worry about his tossing food of his high chair. We got an inflatable mini baby bath tub, put a tray on an ottoman next to it, suddenly no mess. Feed you baby in the bathtub and they clean themselves. Lol. And those things all passed. He grew out of it and didn't need to feel ashamed for growing up and feeling like the world is really big and scary so even little changes can be confusing. If it's serious to him. It's serious to us. Period. Being a kid is rough. You have so much uncertainty (is it safe to walk on sand or will I sink? will I go down the drain with the bathwater?) and everything is new. Least we can do is to try understand and empathize with how damn hard it is to learn EVERYTHING. A giant complicated world. Being nice to kids is easier, more fun, AND makes them "obedient". I intensely dislike stealing autonomy from children. Intentionally causing your child to suffer, cry, or feel bad isn't as helpful as people believe. EARN their trust and suddenly it's "So well behaved!" and "A joy to have in class" etc. Maybe you and I co-author of book opposite yours. Yours is the prequel. what not to do. I know A LOT of what to do instead. It'd be fun to be like "here's the problem" and then "here are some solutions" for parenting with a FSA background.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse PS. I had a college professor who, with friends at a bar, coined the term CODA (child of deaf adult) maybe a few decades ago now. A movie called CODA got an Oscar, I think. No mention of Professor Johanna Larson who invented the term while hanging with friends. She's a treasure too. I wish society behaved and existed based in its lovely rhetoric rather than dog eat dog. "The New Colossus" by Emma Lazarus is so powerful. And for a women in the 1800's. She was bold. And a poet. Poetry can set standards and expectation. We're not living up to the promises in that poem. But I'm at least glad it there. Proof that someone cared. Like in "The Lorax" (so hard not to cry when I read that at bedtime) who leaves just one word behind when he leaves "Unless".... Unless people start to care and take action. A brave woman named Emma Lazarus wrote that. That's inspiring. My lost pet poem helped a person feel comforted and feel catharsis by crying. I won't give up. Even tho I want to. I want to help. I'm called to help somehow. But even graduating and getting formal education, it didn't change my life path. My head just got fuller of information where I immediately thought of solutions. Easy ones. It happens a lot. I don't care what form it takes. I just wish I was less isolated (selfish) and doing something helpful or useful. Thanks for the inspiration. And the selfless and thankless work. Work that won't change the past. But maybe could change the lives of kids now and in the future. You live up to "be the change you want to see" and I hope I can be an activist again someday. We're doing more experimental treatments. The last one made it worse. But... I won't give up. Maybe someday they'll cure or find safe and effective treatments for Catamenial CVS. I'm not ready to be a vegetable in bed yet. I've never met a challenge I couldn't fight. But everyone knows... there are only 2 things guarantees in life... death and taxes. Maybe it's the end of my time. Docs are not just unhelpful but openly antagonistic mostly. I found ONE who was nice and she's my main person. The difference when someone is humanizing you versus seeing you as a number is profound. But it took multiple FDA trials, experimental treatment, damaging "treatment", and maybe 30 docs before I found her. It's a damn tough world out there. Especially when you're profoundly ill and it's like a court case where you're the accused during every medical appointment. I always have a witness to back me up so I'm believed. And the stories are harrowing. But time. Time might heal it. And I can't mess that up. Time goes by whether we like it or not.
I didn’t fight. I caved abuse I’d have been beaten by my father- the enabler 😭😭💔. And, I just wanted her to love me. My girl mind felt that “if I am a good girl she’ll love me”. Well, I was but she didn’t. And it’s not because I was seriously bad, flawed, evil…it’s because she was. Narcissistic people don’t love. It’s just not in them. I feel so sad for her even after all she’s done to me. My life now is awesome. As I continue to rid myself of her….I rise higher and higher to the top!!!
These families created a scapegoat system to NOT SEE the truth. Why would they ever switch over to "seeing" after all these years .... for the SCAPEGOAT? Yet we continue to fawn, hope, suffer ... KUDOS to anyone who's been able to exit this psycopathy. It literally feels IMPOSSIBLE.
For me it wasn't a parent it was a sibling. Today when I am with my siblings I feel as if there's a lie hovering over us. Can't place my finger on what it is. I want to thank you immensely because I have never heard this put so factually. For years I've thought there was something wrong with me. There's so much I want to say..but let me just say " thank you!"
My mother's cruel pathology and rejection made it a no-brainer to stay away from her. Everyone wanted to. She used guilt to keep herself tethered to others. I decided in my teens that she was the definition of a failed human being, that I must not be like her. So she labeled me mean, unfeminine, crude like a farmhand, contrasting with herself as the meek, helpless princess. I went from a fairy tale loving little girl to a mathematician. At nearly 60, I'm building my personal Bambi world, surrounding myself with cute fur babies, building a wildlife friendly garden. I'm only truly at ease when I'm alone with my fur babies, having a blast running a nursery with a bunch of perpetual 2-year-olds. I also identify with Beatrix Kiddo (played by Uma Thurman) in Kill Bill 2. She was brutally mowed down by those whom she trust while she was at her most vulnerable. She took revenge on every one of them with her Hanzo sword. The intense fight scene between her and Elle really reminds me my struggle with my mother. She coveted my Hanzo sword all her life and wanted to destroy me for it. She failed. I cut the Gordian Knot with my Hanzo sword.
Thank you Rebecca. So well described. It was a dangerous and hostile environment. I was a “ little nuisance “ for having needs- health needs. I knew from a very early age, something was not right about how our family was.
Thank you Rebecca. Truth is powerful. I just keep learning in this together time on Saturdays. I am thankful. It seems to me you have to be completely empty of the false self so the true self can grow and flourish. So I have decided to see "empty " as a gift.😊 Jane
There is a wonderful line from the ancient Chinese book of wisdom, the Tao Te Ching: "(to be) Empty...but not Exhausted." Always good to hear from you, Jane.
And sometimes its just called life.. i am the youngest of 4 and always stood my ground no matter who it was getting on my case .. So of course they hated on me 😂 and now at 60 they think they are ghosting me.. But its me who has ghosted them.. my birthday is in a few days and im expecting a mixed result.. But the result for them has already arrived and its called silence
This is amazing. Identity and what it drives are so misunderstood. In fact others tend to think we are our actions. In religious contexts where everyone feels shamed, it becomes the driven-norm. That way they get an out for their own, "sin" by focusing on the behavior of others. In that way toxic shame is perpetuated in churches. It's so sad.
My parents always said i was the difficult one, uncontrollable, trouble maker rebellious etc. Now i know i was the scapegoat child, the the seeker and truth teller, the lucky child because i have been able to escape my family and go into recovery. Onething i have learnt is you can not break no contact, especially if you think its going to be different now mums died or dads died, its worse, you will always be treated as the Scapegoats no matter what. I gave my mum a copy of the Big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and she read it and donated it to the op shop. She died never realising she could of had Sobriety , she just didnt want it. I hate being around my dad, i still feel like that scared child and im 55. Im staying no contact
Thanks so much for this video. Scapegoat and major SA from a CEO father left me broken literally and figuratively. I drove 120 in a telephone pole in fear on an empty road then coded out and crawled from the car ripping bones from fire. That was the beginning. The wreck was written about as if I was a celebrity and I'm not. It was to make sure to provoke and record me breaking so I wouldn't appear as a credible witness in civil court. I never went for money and maybe i should've. I became the enemy and now 8 years after the crash and fighting it can feel isolating. Escpecially b/c i was a tough gay guy. My true self is sensitive. I told the truth. I haven't been able to survive alone and therefor still rely on the father who makes sure to restrict opportunity and money for me b/c he is in love. My brother and I broke the cycle. It broke our relationship as well. Thank you for being so kind to explain this and make me feel less alone.
What an ordeal! Glad you're here. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you need additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Glad you're here, Suzanne - Be sure to also check out my playlist for both survivors and clinicians - I get into more detail about complex trauma and recovery there.
Thanks Rebecca for discussing this topic of the false self / true self. I have said before on this community forum that I am a super fan of Carl Jung & I know that you have also studied his work in depth. I hope that you will provide more episodes if people need more clarification as it is a fantastic topic of discussion. Also I'm wondering can you please cover D.I.D. or multiple personality disorders as this was my Family Scapegoat narrative (which was never a professional diagnosis in my medical history). My sisters love to use this narrative to prevent me from becoming my TRUE SELF & I also feel that they are very scared that if I become a Therapeutic Coach then people will actually listen to me instead of viewing me as a crazy person. Tks so much for your honest account with your friend it's great to know that you are real and living with the same crappy behaviour that we have to encounter in our careers . 💜
Hi Nicola - Thank you and you are welcome! Did you already watch my clinical-oriented video on Structural Dissociation? It is on my Clinicians playlist on the home page of my channel. That's a good place to start, and I also link to one of my articles on this in the video description and pinned comment. And truer words were never said when you write: "I also feel that they are very scared that if I become a Therapeutic Coach then people will actually listen to me instead of viewing me as a crazy person." (Example: When I began to learn how to have appropriate, healthy boundaries and exhibited this in my communiciations, I was yelled at once to "STOP TALKING LIKE A THERAPIST!")
Yes Rebecca I watched that episode before & I've watched it again just to recap. I have a few symptoms that you mention like migraines & memory loss with numbers or academic information in times of acute stress which I put down to complex trauma. But my sisters would have people believe that I'm the female version of the guy in the movie Spilt & we all know that's exaggerated fiction. Is it possible for the psyche to have different identities? I'm on the fence on this as I have often had to go to a happy place to cope with pain or disfunction in the family but I have never turned into another person or identity. As I have said before Ireland uses out dated research in their centers & some people will believe my family & this will block my full potential in my career. I would love to have solid recent evidence of a person becoming another person or person's. If you have any other recommendations I would really appreciate it. 💜
With Structural Dissociation (secondary to complex trauma), one can have different streams of consciousness - but this is NOT the same thing as entirely different identities. It may be if you google structural dissociation and Janina Fisher you can find articles or videos with her talking more about this. It is common with complex trauma and with adult survivors of child psycho-emotional abuse as well.
Recover reclaim the authentic self. Recover reclaim the authentic self. We have been fictionalized and our ability to know our own character has been distorted by the false fictionalization.
I am currently binge watching your videos. I bought the book a couple years ago and I cannot tell you how validating this information is for me. I am the eldest of 9 who grew up in a profoundly dysfunctional family. I suspect my father is a malignant narcisisst, and know my mother has narcissistic traits (though she has done a lot of recovery and therapy and acknowledges now that she contributed to forcing me into the scapegoat role). Of my 8 siblings, 2 have completely cut me off (one is a major power holder). The rest keep in very loose touch, but none can tolerate hearing about my painful experience of being scapegoated. Last year they all got together for Thanksgiving-me and my family (we have 3 wonderful daughters) were the only ones not invited. Now they are planning a baby shower for one of my estranged sisters, and again I am the only sibling being excluded from this event. It hurts! I love how you point out that those with a predominant “fight” response to trauma often hold on to their true essence to some degree more than others-that’s me! I never completely abandoned myself, in spite of horrific emotional, psychological and physical abuse. I also very much appreciate your observation that we have a high tolerance for dysfunction-boy did that land for me! My only question for you is this Rebecca-what is the best way to further my recovery from this? I have done a *ton* of personal healing around addiction, codependence, and childhood trauma. But this aspect of FSA is especially pernicious in that it is ongoing and very difficult to explain to others, including therapists, who often do not understand the complexities and subtleties of this kind of abuse. Do you have any recommendations for a good therapist who can help with this aspect of recovery? I think I saw on your site awhile ago that you are not accepting new clients currently, but if that’s changed please let me know!
My first question in answer to your question would be do you feel you are suffering from complex trauma symptoms (FSA survivors also typically suffer from betrayal trauma, toxic shame, and traumatic invalidation as well). This is the focus with most of my clients. The workbook I use (until I can get my own FSA workbook out) is Dr. Janina Fisher's 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma'. More resources here from my FSA survivor resource list: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Thank you for your kinds words for the fighters. I wish I could find a therapist where I’m at. I’ve had years of CBT which helped, but I’m still responding which I’ve only recently began to understand. My last therapist said my fight was to get attention and that I was modeling my father. Neither of these felt correct. My fathers rage came out of no where. One minute joking around and the next minute he’d go off.
Rhonda, you might go to Dr Janina Fisher's website and use the search function to search for a TIST certified (or trained) therapist in your area - some are willing to work online. They could take you through the workbook by Dr Fisher I use with my FSA recovery clients: Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma. I think you would find this type of psycho-education most helpful, as would any survivor of childhood abuse.
Thank you for this. You lay these things out clearly, without condescension and without a great deal of the emotional baggage that sometimes comes in these videos. Don't get me wrong. I treasure that emotional validation that many presenters give through their moral objections to narcissistic abuse. But this kind of thorough, clinical, general information is really useful. I'm off to watch Part 2, and I need to go looking for this Gordian knot you mention.
You're welcome. I do try to be 'trauma-informed' in my presentation so as to not activate people's nervous systems (!) I discuss my Gordian Knot analogy in my book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. (I created the term FSA during my Family Systems research on the effects of family scapegoating on children / adult children; it is a distinct form of abuse, and can happen in any dysfunctional family system, not just a narcissistic one).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Well, thank you for your contributions. I have been slow to look into these "family roles" and their dynamics, because I never felt like I fit neatly into one role. I think it would be fair to say that I was one parent's golden child and the other's scapegoat, perpetually trapped in the orbit of their lifelong narcissistic struggle. He was a milder overt/communal narcissist, and she was and is a covert/malignant narcissist. She was the darker, more malevolent one. As a father, he was always her enabler, urging me to compromise and bend to her will, probably because he knew she never would. Anyway, I have felt trapped for a year or more by that Gordian Knot. It's good to have someone else describe it and write about it. I look forward to learning more.
Commenting on both Part 1 and 2: these videos are like a road map that normalizes (in a good way) what the hell just happened these past 5.5 decades! Really. If someone could have told me, “Mike, you’ve landed into a family system that ‘loves you’ but they really and truly can’t, so get the hell out as soon as you can kid … OMG, I would have saved decades from all the resistance. I am a fighter, so I’m doing what I want to be doing, in a career no one understood, but the drag and resistance from my family was intolerable. I love the line (part 1) where you say, scapegoated people can tolerate an enormous amount of dysfunction. It’s bizarro!! That’s my new favorite word. To hear again (Part 2), we are still WHOLE, even after all these decades, we have many cracks, but thats where the Light comes in … my wife reaffirmed, “I married a whole person” … that is affirming, because I don’t fully believe it because of all the bizzaro, really crazy sh*t family members say. This, just yesterday, my brother accused ME of tapping into my parents phone to block texts he could send them. I never would even thought if that idea!! WTF!! These are truly strange families to be born into, and Survive. My mistake was somehow believing I was suppose to help them (as the youngest child), thats absurd! That became a game of wack-a-mole. Tampering w both my parents cellphones?? We all just want our own phones to work!! Bizzaro. Keep these videos coming. Thank you!
Hi Mike - Thank you for recapping some of the finer points in these videos. I was the youngest as well, and also felt that sense of *needing* to help the entire system I was in. Speaking of 'Bizarro' - Did you already watch my two 'Bizarre Realities' here? If not, you may want to. I'll be getting a third one out soon. And do check out the 3rd Affirmations video I am releasing next Saturday - it was especially tailored to go along with this video series (part 2).
This explains to me why by the age of nine or ten I related to the character of Sybil. I couldn't get enough of watching/reading about her and distinctly remember relating to her. But, in many ways I did rebel. And, yes, considered by several family members to be many of the characteristics you describe.
Hi Kimberly, if you related to Sybil when you were young, be sure to watch my clinical video here on scapegoating and Structural Dissociation - I pinned a related article I wrote in the comment and in the video description as well. Your 'fight' response helped save you, btw...Something to celebrate.
As the youngest of 6, I've always been a skapegoat for my siblings, which got worse as we got older. My parents never gave up on me and always evaluated with their own eyes, and knew what was happening. I assumed the caregiver role for both my parents many years ago, Dad with Parkinson's and mom with cognitive decline. Recently I replaced my oldest sibling as executor of the family trust, and the boomers have lost their minds. True colors were shown by all. My sibs are horrible people.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You may want to watch this video on scapegoating and sibling dynamics: ruclips.net/video/lhb5WdUV2q0/видео.html
Thank you for these videos. You truly are gifted in helping to validate my life's story of the false self - lost to being the servant, caregiver, garbage receptacle for everyone else's shit - their guilt and shame of never being enough. I was the person who ate the last cookie, the one who broke Mom's favorite vase (I wasn't even home) and the reason for my Dad's abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual) as well as his depression. I was the 7th child born of 7. Literally and figuratively, I was garbage and treated accordingly. True story - while we were keeping vigil the night my mother died, my older sister commanded (demanded) me to take out the garbage. This was fitting as her way of coping has been perfectionism to maintain order in the chaos. She demonstrates traits of compulsivity and OCD and because I am not seen by the family as having value, needs, or import, I was given the job of taking out the trash while my brothers and sisters sat on their asses. When Dad's Depends needed changing, I was called into do it. I obliged - happy to help any way possible in the moment. It felt good to be needed in this way (I was so sick and disrespected but did not know it) Some years later, I had an awakening and began to see my codependence and my role as family scapegoat. Upon my father's death in 2018 (the malignant narcissist and alcoholic), his vacated role was quickly filled by my most evil malevolent sister. This was addressed in one of your earlier videos. There is too much vitriol surrounding this specific sister to describe here, but I have been on the receiving end of her spear all my life and I finally woke up to how my other 5 siblings fell in line to submit to her narrative of who "I am". Then, after my father died, several months later my eldest sister died of alcohol addiction; she saw me for who I was in my truest nature but struggled with her own issues of complex PTSD and resulting pain manifested in alcoholism. I soon discovered that the sister who filled Dad's narcissistic shoes, had actually taken control of all my sister's estate too - changing beneficiaries because she had Power of Attorney. However, I mustered the courage to face her down in court, along with all her flying monkeys. I have never looked back since. Those 3 siblings I saw in court simply no longer exist to me. The other two remaining sisters are a enmeshed package deal. I was unprepared for all the manipulation in those I loved and wished would just love me for me. I thought they were my "allies," but they turned out to be just as sick as the others. They were attachment figures for me in childhood; they had nurtured me in the absence of my mother who neglected us all n her despair. The were the last of my sibs to go no contact - there simply were no healthy options. As you stated, I either had to comply with their continued maltreatment and narrative which meant me giving up being my authentic self. I am just discovering who I am now and navigating life at 60 on my own. I did have righteous rage . Today it manifests as just a feeling of overwhelming sadness that they all choose to live unhealed (yes, it is a choice) in continued dysfunction and thereby hurting me. As part of my own healing and grief process, I went back to school at aged 56 to become an Addictions Counselor and everyday, I continue to learn, grow, evolve and become my true self. On bad days, I wonder who I could have been all my life had I been born to a family without so much generational trauma and poverty - but I realize the fruitlessness of this -- as the family torment was part of my journey that got me to the place where I am helping others address their trauma and to be seen and heard for the first time in their lives. I now have new meaning and purpose and they can never take it away no matter what narrative they invent. Friends, keep fighting for yourselves out there. It is lonely, but it is the only sane option. You matter. I matter. We just don't matter to those we were born to and who were entrusted to nurture and love us. Don't tap out!! Keep the videos coming -- you continue to help me grow and learn new things about myself.
I plan to. And I really appreciate this line from you here: "You matter. I matter. We just don't matter to those we were born to and who were entrusted to nurture and love us." Sadly, this is often true for the FSA adult survivor.
Thank you for your work🙏 I greatly appreciate it! I understand what you mean about being the 'crazy therapist', here in Germany they denied the existence of dissociative personality disorder on a political satire show - I was shocked! They even went so far as to make fun of a prominent therapist here who treats DID, they took apart her Instagram posts and said she worshipped the devil.... So again thank you for shedding light on scapegoat abuse
You're very welcome. Very sorry to hear this is going on in Germany. I have had quite a few people from Germany contact me about my book; hopefully awareness will increase over time regarding the reality of invisible abuse and its potential impact on children and adult survivors, including the development of trauma and dissociation.
I still need to email you a photo of what my copy of your book looks like. Highlighted, TONS of flags all over, notes in the margins. Banged around from being carried in my purse to read in waiting rooms. Once I do a big spring clean then I'll find everything again. "Does this spark joy?" style purge. I'm sure it will reveal itself. 😅
Fawn. Fear. Flight. Fight. No matter which life-preserving response you use as a child or adult -- they turn it around and use it as another way to shame & belittle you -- while all you are trying to do is survive. Gordian knot is a perfect metaphor.
Your life matters. Being scapegoated can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/ You can also look over my resources for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can’t really even remember a time when I felt loved or bonded with my mother. When I had my daughter I searched & searched old pictures, memories, family stories, but couldn’t find any early childhood memories of mom & I together so I called my oldest sister and flat out asked her, “Was mom a good mom?”. She answered, “I was your mom when you were young”. From a young age I was standoffish, quietly observing, staying invisible in my fantasy world of grandpa’s farm & the colt he promised me before he died. I became the rebel, all my siblings were on mom’s side against our dad (who was no saint), not saying a word (or agreeing) when she would berate & humiliate him non-stop. Rather than my mom, I had bonded with my dad & grandpa. Even from a young age I knew her behavior was unloving, vile & reprehensible, and vowed never to treat my husband, children and loved ones that way. All that fell down the memory hole, I married a Grandiose Narcissist and instead of turning into my mom, I turned into my dad. The placater, the appeaser, the scapegoat.
Ack! That was a twist there at the end I did not expect!! We can not only turn into our parents at times (which takes a lot of self-honesty to admit), we can also MARRY them. Sometimes a spouse will be a 'two-fer' - both dysfunctional parents wrapped into one. What a deal! Like I said in an early video here, the 'Universe' seems to keep playing the same trick on us until we see it for what it is. And begin making different (more conscious / healthy) choices.
I guess I’ve always been self-motivated though I never noticed that given what I was told about myself by my parents. I don’t need to be invited somewhere to go somewhere. I follow my own curiosity and do a lot on my own and have fun by myself or with a couple of people. But I lost sight of this while living as a scapegoat within my nuclear unit. After futilely fighting back, I became severely depressed and was so self-consciously ashamed of the things I was told I was that I couldn’t go out to the corner store without a boost of alcohol to lighten the shame. When I moved out, I was surprised at my gumption. Yes, I still hid from people and from going places with people to an extent but I was very mobile on my own, using public transportation to go and see places I’d never been. I was stunned to discover my gumption again and the desire to experiment with ideas and solo adventures. I’m in a very difficult living situation right now but I have also experienced brief encounters with who I really am and want that back. I found me and want to have a chance to be me again.
Hi Lorna, in this case, the trope "keep your eyes on the prize" can be helpful - the prize being your living fully in alignment with your true self nature. I am glad to hear you are reconnecting again in these ways you describe, and I hope you continue on in your most worthy quest.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hi Rebecca, it's funny you say that because when I lost my nuclear family and was feeling despair, I consoled myself by saying, "You left with the prize of your self." Which frankly was missing when I was with them. And as silly as that sounds, it's true. When the scapegoat escapes we leave with the prize of our self. We won't be prized by them, not ever, but we get the immense prize of gaining back our self. Best wishes to you.
Thank you so much for this video - you put it so well! I've been having very similar insights (some of which I journaled almost verbatim) especially about the part of "projecting" vs "protecting". I am an (adopted) scapegoated child and the only child of emotionally neglectful parents. It is a special kind of hell for only-children. For a long time, I bought into the belief that I was defective, for which despite this, my parents still loved and "did everything for" me. I often had a very overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility toward them. But now I'm seeing that their love was always a covert form of control/subjugation and that all my tantrums, acting out etc were a result of their inability to attune toward me and be unavailable toward me. It was a natural and healthy reaction, for which they made me a - exactly as the word says - scapegoat. I'm seeing how so many of their beliefs and values they planted in me and which I internalized were false. All it's done is lead me to selfsabotage myself. They've left me with massive deficits, and I've always felt like I 've had early memory of being much more whole coming into this world than I have had to feel being under them. It's been a year since I cut contact. I'm in the process of reclaiming my identity which, as you so well put it, I didn't entirely capitulate. I used to write a lot as a form of escape and realized that the peace and fulfillment it gave me came from a place within me - that I should have been living from this place all along, that it was my parents' moral responsibility to have excavated these truths from me which should have been protected instead of projected on to. I am working on practicing tapping in and living from this place. I'm hoping to minimize my own splitting. The more I watch your videos, the more I gain conviction of my own inner values and worth, and the more I align with my inner identity. Thank you very much for your videos! PS - Would anybody be able to help me find Part 2 to this video, as I was not able to find it. Sorry if I'm overlooking it somehow.
Thank you for your enriching comment. This is part 2 of the video - I thought it was at the end of this one but if not I will go and add it now. ruclips.net/video/pRGin4zhuB8/видео.html
This is on point. Bruce Liptons work, Like "The Biology of Belief" fits right in with these aspects, it's helped me understand how the programming works. This stuff goes deep. Thanks for sharing.
Sending love and another Thank you for being with us and being there for us! since I listen to the new video and older ones now! I´m dealing with lots of emotions these days, being glad to have escaped, and I probably cried the first tears actually that I could! leave. But then shortly after bad feelings of missing my mother. Of course that part I never saw again for a long long time, or only as one half of the two faced being (don´t want to say monster, but looking at it with open eyes you don´t know what words to use instead). Bad feelings of anger that I don´t know where to put, and I guess because they still go inwards the damn fimbromyalgic pain in the legs and belly muscles increase again (I was so happy it got better for two weeks 🙈🙈🤪🤪). So lots of little ups and downs, but I stick to our subject and continue with writing little journal entries, trying to reflect things etc. Have a goood weekend, dear Rebecca!! 💝💝🤗🤗🌺🌺🌞🌞
Thank you - Go slow, and I think you have read my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) but if not, please do, it will give you an introductory but comprehensive overview based on my original FSA research.
When I think back on my mother (and even today) it wasnt even an internal split but more like her entire locus of control was externalized onto her children. Unfortunately as the scapegoat I was the receptacle of her shadow. But it makes sense how I cannot get any understanding because my regulation itself is her dysregulation and vice versa. And likewise with my siblings. It's a Catch 22. It's like Brer Rabiit fighting the Tar Baby and I dont even know which character is who!
Profoundly insightful. You describe this dynamic very well. Given I use the 'tar and feathering' analogy to describe the 'scapegoat's' predicament in their family, I'd say they are the Tar Baby (!) I discuss this more in my video on the Empath (I think...)
There was always a family "story" that was often trotted out by my Mother, it is often bought out for everyone to laugh at, included my nieces and nephews. The story is from when I was 4 years old. Also a story that Mother loves to regale of when my brother was born and we would be at the shops and little old ladies, looking into the pram and saying to my Mother- " Oh, at last you got the little boy you always wanted" Mother telling me I was "meant to be a boy" and they even had a boys name picked out- they used the name when he came along after me.
Excellent and amazing. For a few years now ive been wanting to discover my authentic self. Ive been looking at the Id, ego and superego. To hear your explanation of so many things that I relate to, in this video, is quite overwhelming and almost igniting. Sometimes, yes, there is one who pops their head in to ones 'room' and just 'gets it'. Thank you for your work and for how well you are able to communicate your research. I shall look at part 2 and your other recommendation. Thank you.
I appreciate your comment, thank you. Understanding the 'micro' and 'macro' of various types of systems can truly aid one in their recovery from FSA. I think I sent you the resource list already that I put together but let me know here if I didn't!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hello Rebecca, Youve sent me a link to another video, with parts one and two and mentioned your book. I think Ive seen somewhere you mention a link to (your website?) with further resources. I will try to find it in another comment youve posted. Thanks again for your time.
I feel sorry for my sister and her two kids, I used to see them but they have been consumed by the master narc (my dad) and I refuse to be any part of that toxicity
I am glad you can recognize the fact that they are in bondage. It is often the scapegoat who will eventually find true liberation from these soul-dehydrating dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems.
No child is born tabula rasa , we just learn how to hide certain parts , while compensating by exaggerating other parts. People don't change they just become more or less of who they are .. .(Our personas are like deamons that can become demonic defense mechanism like depression , they are ours but never our true self , for other people have their own demons that might be even more disturbing but no less better or worst just different or weird , to facilitate a cumbersome moment when in our most toxic self we can view thru a undistorted lens what is indeed normal and what is sick For eyes thats are meant for the day may not be adjusted to see in the night, we must first identify with our own sickness if we are to help that of others This was a very wise video Thank You
The first time I looked into each of my newborn children's eyes, it was as if I had known them all my life, two beautiful and amazing souls. I don't understand how a parent willfully splits his/her own family, scapegoats members of his/her own family or anyone else for that matter. Our mother had to have major issues before any of her children were born.
It is not always willful - but this does not mitigate the damage. You might want to read an article I published on my Sustack about underlying dynamics that can fuel FSA: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/how-projection-processes-fuel-family
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! Yes, I was considered the empath, the gifted artist and student, yet I was also reliably confronted as "the problem child", because I was born. I was in my early 30s when I finally realized Mom was envious, projecting her own failures and resentments onto me, but I hung on, tolerating the backbiting, lies and supply-seeking until I figured the only way to stop the abuses was walk away, which I did at 46.
I find that it's kind of like going into elementary school each day and having to face that school bully except in this case that bully happens to be one or all of the members of your family. As boys we are taught to man up as if this bullying is completely normal and in some way prepares us for the real world. It certainly does but you don't expect those in the real world to love & protect you. I've always felt that feeling of home & safety has always been missing There's a real sense of betrayal that builds up over the years, especially when the parent hasn't done their job to make the others aware of their inappropriate behaviour, which is why I feel it can go on for years into adulthood. But I guess that's to be expected when the parent is very much stunted or traumatized themselves from whatever it is that happened to them. Not wanting to educate oneself on their own weakness's, for whatever reason, seems to be the norm. Coming from an alcoholic family system I can remember my Mother turning away from anything to do with substance abuse issues on the radio, television or even discussing the subject so she would definitely turn away from anything you may have to offer that could ultimately help her. I for one, think knowledge is power. Thank for the vid.
I think I was already playing the role of someone else by the time I was three to five. All my childhood photos after three are rigid, standing straight, a fake smile plastered to my face, which is why I hate my childhood pictures. I identify myself as a fighter but I think that developed while I was bullied at school, and I was probably more into the fawn and submit with my mother, although she would probably disagree saying what a difficult child I was to raise. I realize that I need to find my true self but if I was (unintentionally) neglected during infancy and scapegoated from around three, how can I remember my true self if it is buried in the memory of an infant that is impossible to remember? If I do come up with something, how could I know it is the real me and not another person I am just trying /wanting/mimicking to be? By the way, it made me laugh when you said “high tolerance to dysfunction” because that is so spot on! Finally, thank you for this channel and your book!
Hi Ayame, any discussion of ‘finding’ the true self will be both paradoxical and frustrating. That’s why I use the words like ‘recover’ and ‘realign’. In my book I have a chapter on reconnecting with the true self in a practical sense (versus in the spiritual sense). Did you get to that chapter yet?
Rebellious underneath it all. But on top, people pleaser. For the most part. However, at 62, I sometimes feel like a cranky bitch, because I am over pretending that life is peachy. I think it's the rebellious part that helped me survive my dad and have a strong sense of self. Although, later fawning played a role in my surviving the narcissistic older siblings abuse. I was kind of under the belief, until this morning, that I was not scapegoated by my siblings after my dad died, until my mom was extremely infirm and passed away. Then they doubled down on making me the family scapegoat. But in between, they scapegoated me in their own different ways, it was just more subtle than how my dad did it. I now recognize that every single one of my four surviving siblings has had their own way of scapegoating me throughout my life, after my dad died. It's just that it wasn't unanimous with regard to style or motivation, or all at the same time, until the end. The older dark triad sister went through years of feuding and scapegoating two of our other siblings for many years each, consecutively. Finally landing on me, especially after I prevented and called her out for almost causing our mother's death a year earlier than she actually survived to, given my intervention. An intervention for which I got yelled at and hung up on as my sister was driving to the skilled nursing facility to take my mother home when in fact she had her lungs full of a quart and a half of the things she had been aspirating and would have died had I not requested she get taken to the ER across the street from the SNP. I had been suspecting that she was aspirating but nobody would listen to me.
Important realizations. Indeed, the scapegoating by siblings can be insidious and subtle, particularly when fueled by the Family Projective Identification Process, as discussed in some of my videos and articles, and in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
I lived for more than a decade in Europe. When I returned to the US I met up with some high school friends. One of them told me privately that she had met my sister during my years living abroad at a store and she spoke about how exciting it was that I had done this big move… my sister told her that I was a prostitute and had a abandoned a loving family. Every time I meet sister’s or mother’s friends, I know they believe jealous and envious lies about me…it’s taken me years to realize how much they hate me and to stay as far away as possible
The lies associated with what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’ can be both outrageous and preposterous - Having been the target of some of these whoppers myself, when I say I understand - I REALLY understand…!
You know what is weird, too: I didn’t know what mother or older sister thought, felt, or believed about ANYTHING! Shallow, fearful, or self-consumed. Weird.
Dr Mandeville why don't you talk about the narcisstic parents dropping the adult child and cutting him out of the family This never gets talked about :( We hear of the adult child going no contact but what if the narcisstic evil parent discards you and poisons everyone into isolating you before you do so.
Fantastic idea, Saamir - And this has indeed happened to clients of mine (as well as some FSA research respondents); it can be particularly likely if the parents are wealthy. Also, another video I want to do related to this: Sometimes the scapegoated adult child remains in contact despite the experience of abuse as they imagine they are getting an inheritance so they put up with it (but pay a price). Also, they may find that once the parent dies, the siblings may try to take the scapegoat adult child's piece of the inheritance via devious means, like saying "They are mentally ill - we need to manage their money." I've witnessed this first-hand, btw, via someone personally close to me. Ugly, ugly, ugly business.
Yep. That's precisely what typically happens. This also happens when the 'scapegoat' begins to set healthy boundaries, as I describe in my video here: ruclips.net/video/gLptzBP_Arw/видео.html
Don't miss part 2! Honestly, I can't even remember what I said. I don't script these videos. Just turn on the camera and start talking... I watch it back later to see what I said.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I’ll check it out shortly. You talked a lot about splitting, a core self (even as infants), and how not only family systems but society can impact these things 🙃🙂 very relatable perspective
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse btw, I looked up your book and noticed there isn’t an audio version yet. If that’s ever a route you’d like to take, I’m a narrator and am familiar with that market. Given your sales ratings on Amazon… 👍👍 There’s a marketplace for narrators on acx (amazons audio book marketplace) where people will submit auditions to any new titles that are posted there.
Thanks so much. I was working with someone on this before my medical leave. I do hope to return to this project one day soon and appreciate your offer to assist (if my current narrator cannot do it now).
The first thought that comes to mind is the martial arts idea of learning how to fall or going with an attack to take pressure off of the impact. Especially If trauma and abuse is patterned, one may develop a pattern of movement of moving in the direction of the blow to minimize the damage of the attack. Just like in martial arts, as one practices these movements and patterns over and over again over years, one becomes good at it and it becomes 2nd nature.
You mention at the end about staying in an unhealthy job and you also refer to it in your book. I ended up being a victim of a boss who seemed more narcissistic than my own family member and always needed to have someone as a scapegoat. When that person left immediately another become so. I wonder how many other scapegoats have suffered likewise in the work place?
Hi Rebecca! It is so bizarre how deeply you understand my experience. In my scapegoating I was also used in some gnarly parental alienation a la munchousens by proxy. Oof. Remind you of some of your other content? Anyway…I read that involves splitting as well on the child’s part? Hoping I understand correctly. Thank you again for all you do!
Thanks Rebecca. I am wondering if you have any information about trauma and lying to gain acceptance in early development. The negation of early origins, the shame of stating parental abandonment over and over in various ways on different stages manifesting in almost a shrug. Like, I can say whatever I think you would like best because it would feel best, but it’s not the cause but does go along with false self, obviously. Just wondering, thanks again :)
Hi Laura, someone else here recently had a similar request and I do plan to do a video on this issue of lying/hiding behaviors in FSA targeted children. We can begin to engage in lying behavior early in life as a survival response. I also propose/hypothesize that this kind of lying (one is attempting to fit in to the family system they are dependent on and also protect their true self) could be viewed as a 'flight' response. Your thoughts?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I’m so glad other people are interested! In my situation i can identify a few things. TRIGGER WARNING! (descriptions of terrible behavior) My father was in Vietnam, came back married my mom, was a violent drunk, and he abandoned us in heavy debt having lied to my mother about ATTENDING MED SCHOOL among other things. He was playing basketball during the time he was supposedly in class. He vanished after a series of disappointments and terrible behavior. When I was 16 I found out he was homeless. It’s just so much easier to say “he’s dead” than the truth. i was told i was like him, going to turn out like him, [insert additional insults] because all I knew was that everyone thought my father was crazy and a huge disappointment. There is a genetic component to lying, and hormones play a part. I have PCOS (linked to abuse) and i think higher androgens and cortisol are linked to lying. The constant malignant narc abuse was sometimes very deliberate, sometimes it was just rage and aggressive, but it was always there, and hard to explain. So I told people i needed help, and they thought it was from regular fights, but he would degrade me, hit me with a hard rod like a curtain rod, broom, or whatever else he picked or made me pick. There were places to stand and he would talk the whole time, nasty and mean. He also has strangled me several times. I didn’t talk about that. I would say he punched me or broke something of mine, which I would have preferred 100% and didn’t require an explanation or play by play of humiliating things beyond words. I used to fantasize about being deathly ill, in a hospital for long stretches of time. It seemed safe and good, better than living this way. I told people I was hurt or sick in a demonstrable way by deceiving them, it sucks. I just didn’t feel I was capable of being accepted as myself, whatever that meant/means. They use my background of being untrustworthy and deceitful and just cut from the same cloth as my father to discredit the whole notion that the sky is blue, that they are both a narcissistic and a dysfunctional family system fueled in part by an extreme inter generational trauma. It’s funny that generations don’t depend on DNA in the same way other groupings do. It’s Hard to defend myself though, which is frustrating but fair. It sure sucks to have set myself up to not be believed about something as devastating as this has been, but It doesn’t sound like it will matter from what I’ve gathered in articles, videos, books, and countless testimonies. Now my kids are involved, and they have golden chilled my son Big Time, my daughter somewhat. It Sucks. I did it to myself thinking the children needed a family and this could heal things for all of us. Now the narrative becomes something they love me in spite of. He agrees with their Aunts, my sisters, who are both golden. My daughter has been around for more of this, lives with me, and he lives at my parents rn. It’s a good situation for them, honestly. They get included and doted on. I just want my kids to understand, I don’t care about anybody else my mother or her monkeys have convinced I’m the problem.
I'm the 5th of 6. Was always the outsider...4th of 4 girls. My sisters all despised me. I was the only one to go to college and have a career. That only deepened the hate.
I did a video that addressed success and the family 'scapegoat' - one of my most popular videos to date - and one of my first ones so the editing is probably terrible: ruclips.net/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/видео.html
Here I am 73 years old and suddenly last week righteous rage has hit all because of another sexual abuse case being covered up in a church. The story of my own life years and years ago. Nothing makes sense anymore.
So sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, as I say in this video, 'split' systems - and highly narcissistic ones at that - are very common in the world we live in today.
I think most feel this way - but it is there. I do discuss this in my book; I address both the 'false' self and reclaiming the 'true self'. My book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) is listed on my resource page for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Up unitil 5 days ago I would do anything to protect my mother and I am in entire shock of why i could never heal from the sxual abuse I went through as a kid. She still finds ways to blame and gaslights me saying ARE YOU SURE? WHY EVEN ARE YOU SO UPSET? I am like...... is it me? Should I not be so dramatic abt 13 years of sxual abuse???
I have a video here you can search on regarding FSA and ‘traumatic invalidation’ - you may want to watch it, and read the article by Dr Erin Watson, my colleague, linked in the video description.
Rebecca: This family scapegoating abuse (FSA) is so sad. As the family scapegoat, we lose who we genuinely are if we comply with the narcissistic family. Living the false self, to comply, can ruin our lives. On the other hand, we lose our entire family if we do not comply. Once I got clarity about FSA, my soul roared with trying to comprehend how an entire family can do this to one child. The good is that I can finally live present in my body, no contact, and no longer suffer hypervigilance from family members' continual attack. Is there research on the spiritual meaning behind the role of family scapegoat? I think the family scapegoat is the strong family member who came to break the evil, scapegoating pattern and give opportunity for others (hopefully our own children) to create healthy relationship patterns.
Hi Pamela, I address this a bit in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) in the chapter on the Empath - that the scapegoat tends to be the most psychologically minded and the most aware, etc. I also address this idea in my video on scapegoating and the family Empath. Did you happen to watch that one yet? This was born out in my FSA research as well. As I am a transpersonally-oriented therapist, I have many thoughts and intuitive hunches on the spiritual aspects of being in the family scapegoat role. I have been thinking of starting a membership community here on YT or elsewhere for people who want to hear me talk about this. Stay tuned!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Rebecca: Thank you for your reply. YES I am definitely interested in your intuitive hunches on the spiritual aspects of being family scapegoat. A membership community may help family scapegoats feel they can create a new family who understands them. I listened to your video on the empath again and am 2/3 the way through with rereading your book. It is healing for me to continue learning about FSA. I am definitely the one "most psychologically minded and most aware" in my birth family. I think of Carolyn Myss' work on sacred contracts which makes me think I chose to come in as an empath in a narcissistic family. This morning I was captivated for several moments when I recalled how I confronted my malignant narcissist father after he assaulted my mother by saying "now you did it"! (thinking he killed her). How dare I stand up to him in his murderous rage...but it came natural for me as the truthteller with a strong sense of justice (and I paid for it ever since). Thank you for reminding me that you are a transpersonally-oriented therapist!!
You're welcome, Pamela. If you could choose, would you want to stay here on RUclips if I initiate something like this or would you be willing to go outside of this platform?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I would be willing to go outside of this platform. I'm assuming doing so might make it more private? Our community is deeply wounded and need sacred space to heal (in my opinion).
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
The only false self my narcissistic scapegoating family like about me is being compliant, quiet, and complimentary. They rage and punish the cry for help, the freeze and the flight trauma response. I left to survive and will never go back. Now even the most persistent and manipulative scapegoater (mother) no longer hoovers and instead uses silent treatment. That is progress as my authentic self can finally just be without more decades of abuse. Thank you Rebecca.
Thank you for all your research and work. You are opening the world to a greater sense of acknowledging the depth of emotional abuse many of us have experienced, survived and thrived. 💗💗
@@TravelerSanna You're welcome - thank YOU for being here!
@@pamb8797 You're welcome, and thank you for sharing your recovery progress - it serves to inspire others and give them some hope.
The damage to my life included stories my mother told my siblings about me; they were either totally untrue or real twisting of truth. My “faults” became truth for them. To this day I am cautious about expressing myself with them. My body absolutely feels the aura of just being “tolerated”. Those lies and stories did their job. I’ll never be close with my sibs.
Its very sad and empty feeling when you realize they don’t know you at all, and have no desire to know you. Sometimes they are even aware that they dont, and say little things to let you know they dont care. 😢
Yes. And at times, with surgical precision. I find inspiration from this line in the Tao Te Ching: "The sword enters the Sage, but does not penetrate." Once we are living authentically, aligned with our truth, we will know the living reality of this phrase from this little book of ancient wisdom.
For sure they say things that show they don’t care at all. Like not noticing a serious life changing injury or event that people who are basically strangers notice but your narcissistic mother doesn’t. I haven’t listened to the video yet because I’m worried about triggers but I saw your post and I felt the pain.
THIS! Hugs.....
They totally don’t care at all 💔 it really hurts because we thought they loved us all our lives 💔
I do have the feeling my narcissist family members know me quite well. But they don’t like who I am, they are jealous of who I am. So they just make up terrible things about me. They want me to be a bad, ugly person because that will make them feel better. They hate me so much for who I am. I stopped loving them!
Finally, at the age of 65 (and 6 years of no contact with my toxic family), I get to ask myself questions that never occurred to me. Like...who am I, what am I, how am I, what is my role in life, what are my goals in life? Who is the real me? Not the false self that was labeled and shamed. Not the one that was identified as the troubled child and scapegoat. At this point in my life I finally have the opportunity to define myself. My true self. My beautiful, innocent inner core self. And I am pretty freaking fantastic!
YES YOU ARE! YES WE ARE!
I love that! I'm starting to feel that. God I want others to see it too.
She is not lying! I am now learning not to accept "toxic" behaviour from anyone including work colleagues - just had a talk with the receptionist of the law firm I work at re: her rude & unprofessional behaviour toward me for which she did apologize. No longer sitting by and allowing others to throw up all over me. Thank you, Dr. Mandeville!
Whoot!!! That is something to celebrate, Mo Sim - thank you for letting us know, I love it! "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"....!
That's truly inspiring, it's so very difficult to know exactly when & how to incorporate our authentic, healthier self (that we become as we begin to heal) into our work self which to some degree for everyone involves wearing a mask.
Yeah, I've learned that I can't let the small things grow into the big ones. Typically people like those will try to sneak it in after things are ACTING peaceful and they're overdoing the treating you nice part. (But with some folks this is just a setup). so I politely call it out as it's happening. they deny it, of course, and probably try to make me look crazy behind my back about daring to say something about it. (The problem with letting some things slide is that...the next thing you know you're caught up in a avalanche out of nowhere.. I'm not saying I choose to be confrontational or difficult--but I nip certain things in the bud early when someone consistently shows bad faith on occasion)
@@MattJimmy Yes, it’s the letting things slide in. Then they get more cruel/corrupt. I also had to learn to immediately set up boundaries, even the smallest thing anyone does to me, I will let them know, it’s not okay for me and I won’t accept it.
I’m in the same lane. No more uncivil, undignified interactions period! Appreciate your comments. 🙏🏼👍
This is an absolutely horrible situation being the family scapegoat. I dare say this predicament could lead to great tragedy. Family who scapegoat are evil.
That, and/or other things, as discussed in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.
THANK YOU. When I first figured out I am the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, there were absolutely no resources out there at all. I had to figure out everything by myself by cobbling together pieces about C-PTSD and general information on healing from narcissistic abuse. Not only are these family systems finally becoming more discussed, but here you are, with a channel just for the scapegoat. You are doing a great service by being here.
Thank you - I did feel it was needed. I remember there was very little 'out there' when I began searching for resources years and years ago for both personal and professional reasons. If you haven't yet read my book,
'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', you might. I stitch a lot of concepts together and it is based on years of qualitative research I conducted on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), as well as client cases and my personal experience. Hope you check out my playlists - You might be especially interested in the one for survivors, clinicians, and therapists.
Can't agree more!
Was filling up on Narcissistic families and parents, enablers..
And this is my freshly found focus area as I am myself the 'can never win scapegoat'...
Thank heavens for the algorithms that eventually brought me here
What year was this?
I remember “waking up” one day in my 30’s and realizing my family members could always manage to get me to act a certain way and then say “there you go…causing another problem”…. I started to catch myself getting hooked. I would get really anxious first and then would act in a way I didn’t recognize. I used to feel
like I was “completing something” for them by acting like a goof or an anxious mess the way they expected me to. I was really confused by that for a long time - asking myself why I was doing that. I would try so hard to catch it before it happened but most of the time I couldn’t. It’s great to hear this description of how the false self forms. Maybe that’s what I was experiencing, only trying not to let it happen??? It doesn’t happen to me now. But I’ve had years of therapy !
It is possible that you were caught up (unconsciously) in the (equally unconscious) 'Family Projective Identification Process" (a Family Systems term). Your description of feeling you were 'completing' something for the family in some mysterious way leads me to wonder that - also, that you felt relatively compelled to do so. I discuss this in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) and in a few videos here. You can also google the term and I have at least one article about it on my website's blog. It is common in both dysfunctional and narcissistic families, but especially common in dysfunctional families with intergenerational trauma.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for replying to me and giving such helpful information. I’m trying hard to read it because it’s so helpful but for some reason my iPhone’s access to your reply is cutting off the text at the right margin, leaving a word at the end of each line that I can’t see. Technology is so maddening sometimes!
I used to have the same problem, and then I learned about what "baiting" was, and started practicing trying to spot when it was happening before falling into it. I failed a lot of times, but now I can spot it when they try to get me into an argument, and change the subject or exit entirely. I'm glad it doesn't happen to you anymore.
One term that's popular for this in psychological circles and anti NPD ones is called DARVO (deny and reverse victim order). I got to a point where I could recognize it was happening and just almost laugh as I got off the phone thinking that someone would go to that much trouble to make me look like a bad guy or themselves over convicting one it was obviously the other way around
@@raven4090 Thank you for throwing this word "baiting" into the conversation because it became one that I also adopted from anti-NPD recovery circles. "Negative supply" is another concept that saved me from taking the bait.
PS--maybe you didn't quite "FAIL" as you're assuming here! I felt pressure from this community (ones similar to this one)!to greyrock at 100% in certain situations and I just realized that not only was that not natural but that was also turning myself into a doormat of sorts.
PSPS--You might as well not worried about who they're turning against you behind your back because you never had a shot with those people just gleefully jumped on the bandwagon only hearing one side of the story. All those evident secret haters (20/20 hindsight*) did was inadvertently do you a favor by cutting loose some extra weight or haters you didn't need in your life
*You're going to look back at moments in your life if you're like me and realize that those types who joined Team Hate showed signs of having it in for you way before things came to a head/confrontation what seemed to be a sporadic bizarre disagreement was not just a one-off after all. Hindsight is always 20/20 and NO ONE needs people like those in their lives
I can SO relate to yet another of your videos! My whole family plus some relatives believe the narrative about me. I got rescued from sinking into it by a song when I was 13. "Tightrope," by ELO. My mom called the record album it was on "a waste of money," ($3.99) It was the best investment I've ever made in my entire life. It gave me the ability to hang onto who I am even though I couldn't even know exactly what was in the box until recently. I finally got the time to open it and start unpacking the damaged pieces of my heart, and now I can start fixing what's reparable and throw the rest away. I'm in tears now, but they're good ones.
Music / lyrics can indeed be soul-saving. Joni Mitchell was that way for me. As an adult, I was assisted by a line from a P.I.L. song (Rise): "Anger is an energy!" God love Johnny Lydon (formerly Johnny Rotten). Thank you for sharing this with us, Raven.
A line in one of Whitney songs was a life-line for me "you can't take away my dignity"
The Greatest Love of All....that's it!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse When I was in high school a wild kid that I admired from afar LOVED the Sex Pistols. Thanks for the good memory. I'd forgot about that.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse "A case of you" hit my nerve, although I first knew the version sung by my Tori Amos who was with me since age 15. 😅😅
Im going to look for that song. One that saved me was “Ain’t No Grave” sung by Odetta. She’s passed on now but she was a popular folk singer of the 1960s.
Yes. I was viewed as evil from my family and then went to Catholic school and was bullied by some of my classmates so I did my best to morph into and mirror everything that the popular pretty girls did so that I could be “friends” with them and protected from their bullying and into the cool group. I liked whatever they liked. Whenever I tried to do/like my own thing, I would get made fun of so I would fall into line as closely as I could.
Yes, we can consider peer groups as social systems as well - You found a way of adapting and surviving a bullying environment but we can lose touch with our authentic self due to this, especially if it began in our family-of-origin.
Thank you for reminding me of peer groups. I was afraid of mine, they’d reject me too.
Don’t know what it is exactly about catholic schools but they seem to be less fair to others and everything goes…It might be because catholics are brought up thinking that they’re here to suffer or is it that the catholic abuser seems to get off the hook easier under a heavy veneer of being super religious, putting on display plenty of statues and paraphernalia and being most holy and closest to whoever they think Christ is to them.
Anybody who says your book is a piece of crap, NEEDS TO READ IT THE MOST! They are the most damaged and don't have the courage to look within themselves. We beautiful souls who DO read your book (I keep it out all the time to read over) and tune into this channel, have the courage and desire to retrieve our authentic selves as hard as it's been. BECAUSE WE ARE WORTH IT!
That's one of the things about being victimized by this form of abuse (family scapegoating): It does indeed take courage; however, for many of us, we have no other choice but to fight for the life of our souls - Because at some point, when we start to wake up to what has happened, if courage doesn't motivate us to heal, the pain will.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💞
amen
They are aware of our suffering...that's why they enjoy it. They don't see us as human beings they see us as an idea .
True in narcissistic family systems; not always in highly traumatized family systems (look up the Family Projective Identification Process - I also discuss this at length in my book).
I grew up being the scapegoat. I used to fail on purpose to please my mom. Why in the world was I doing that? I had to go no contact because the only love and attention I got was through failure. Such self hate I developed. I had bulemia that nearly killed me. I kept going back to the family out of Christian love, but this last round I realized I would die staying in the circus. I had to choose. I feel really stupid failing all my life to please these people, who truly hate me.
Most who experienced this were simply trying to survive, often via complex trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, force, 'cry for help'). Self-compassion and speaking kindly to oneself is critical.
Unfortunately, narcissists take advantage of Christian love and weaponize it against the scapegoat. Narcissists do not play by the same moral rulebook as you might. In fact, some narcs are amoral.
@@kimberlychilstrom6888it helps when we find this- wishing you well
I suffered from bulimia for a few years as well while living with my narcissistic family. Thank God i recovered.
I am only now seeing your comment, which is 1 year old. I hope you are doing much better.
I was a fighter and always felt a deep sense of unfairness. It didn't stop me from getting into toxic marriages, with my second marriage being more abusive than my childhood. I have been reading a lot of comments here, and have so much in common with so many of you, but I have wondered why I am not a people pleaser. I do have a fawn response on occasion, but I am mostly a fighter.
Fighter's have less repressed material, I find, so in the end, it can be helpful to be a 'fighter'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that is good to hear, thank you. I ordered your book today. I look forward to reading it.
Wonderful, I hope you find it helpful!
The statement that scapegoats are projected (upon) rather than protected by their families is the most concise and yet all encompassing and accurate description of my personal experience. It can be so helpful to have such a phrase to shorten the story in my head. This is what happened to me. I don't need to review details unless I choose. Thank you Rebecca!
Yes, this just slipped out my mouth, I had no idea I was going to say that until after it appeared... I'll do a full video around this, it is a short and tidy way to sum it all up (!)
I loved this phrase. My mom allowed my brother to terrorize me and chase me and beat me with a hammer. I was 4.5, brother 3.5 years old. I begged her to pick me me I . He was CHASING me WE ITH A HAMMER. She REFUSED to pick me up. I felt so betrayed, I stopped running, and he hit me on my head WITH A HAMMER. SHE ALLOWED it. She said it was my fault, since I was teasing him. He is the golden child. She's NEVER held herself accountable for anything. They never do. Covert narcissists are so evil.
This is horrible. I'm so sorry. I fell once, my head hit a rock and I passed out and I never got medical care. I still have migraines. It's hard to comprehend how powerful the role of "golden child" is unless one has seen it. My mother would tell me that when golden child comes to visit the sun shines and when I come it rains. Once I just told her that I love rain and that ended the conversation. One thing about Mom is that she was easy to confuse. Throughout our lives golden child would receive support that I wouldn't even through some huge life challenges I had that she didn't. I suspect my parents just didn't want to do the actual work of helping me but I was also trained not to ask for help. I was shy and withdrawn (for good reason) and golden child (two in my family actually) was entertaining. Gosh I could go on forever - but certainly the golden child role is as powerful as the scapegoat role. I do think the golden child skates on the surface through life, most often doesn't see what's before them, and that has disadvantages. @@Daysleeper1000
As a scapegoated child i realised long ago i was on minimum life support (as regards to my family). You develop a system to survive with the least amount of hurt. You swallow the pain.
I always thought it funny i was the only one who showed any sort of loyalty to my family. probably conditioned that way.
"minimum life support". I like the use of those words.
@@janegreen5301 Thank you. It was the nicest way i could put it without resorting to swearing.
Possibly conditioned, but I also wonder if you would identify as being the family Empath. I have a video on that here, and there is a chapter about the Empath and scapegoating abuse in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseThanks. Yes i probably am an Empath. I did see your video on that a while back. It's strange how you take notice of other people's feelings but try and bury your own in case of more hurt and being vulnerable. Another survival tactic i suppose.
The best thing by being raised by a sociopathic mother is now I can spot an abuser though it took years as I kept being attracted to them.
Same. I am getting to the point where I can see how certain traits would never work in a relationship. The insistence on maintaining superiority and the upper hand, for example, destroys intimacy, because intimacy requires vulnerability and equality.
I REALLY enjoyed this video! It is so sad that everyone is born with a " clean slate " to write their life goals and hopes on. You're born feeling happy with a positive outlook on life. Then a damaged parent or sibling thinks it's their right to design the " you " THEY want you to be. I was the designated " Sacrificer " . Whenever a kid wanted something, I had to give up something ( a toy, money or peace of mind) Example...my eldest sister needed $ 100.00. My mother called me and told me to take her $100.00 because she ( mom ) hates to see one child doing good and the other one suffering. I took my sis the money. 10 yrs later, I had an unexpected car repair bill that set me back. I couldn' t pay my rent. I was evicted. I called mom from my car asking her if all of my siblings could just LEND me $10.00 each to help me. Her reply..." No they cannot help you. " Then she hung up the phone. I remained homeless for 4 months in the winter because she refused to ask anyone to help. She never failed to call on me to help any other sibling. That gave me " righteous anger". I never put any of them before my own well being again. She taught me from an early age that it was my responsibility to help others then maybe myself. Thank you so much for helping us all to wake up and become free. I am glad I have your book. I feel empowered ❤
You're welcome, BB - Your story reflects so many FSA adult survivors' experiences. I wonder if you identified with having a 'fawn/submit' trauma response - in such cases, family 'expects' you to sacrifice for them - AND, they do not even see or consider the fact that it IS a sacrifice. This is why there can be a lot of systemic push-back when the FSA adult survivor begins to wake up and say "NO".
Thank You so much for understanding every one of us. My husband left us well set financially when he died. So my mom would volunteer me whenever a sibling needed money or a favor. One day, she & dad bought a RV and asked my kids to clean it out after my G.C sister's kids rode around in it with them. She told me she wasn't taking my kids because she had promised my sister's kids first. I politely told her if G.C.'s kids rode in the RV, and didn't clean it out, my kids will not be cleaning it. I reminded her of how she treated me the same way she treats them, like servants. Because I told her they were not to be mistreated, she became angry. She was used to me complying everytime. Golden Child sided with her. I used to be a big time "fawner" 😁 I wanted them to like me. No matter what I did for them, mom always seemed to accuse me of having hidden selfish motives. I'm just glad to be free😁 Learning that we get to decide who we want to be is not up to them is liberating ❤
I am sad to know your mom treated you badly in this way too. I don't know how a " mother" could live with the thou ght of her own child going through the most difficult situations and not try to help. We are strong! ❤
Oh my gosh! 🙈🙈😭😭💝💝
Cute hairdo, Rebecca. I remember (before I went No-Contact with my FOO) how hyper-vigilant I was around my sick family. Once, I had to temporarily move in with my narcissistic mother and 2 full-grown narcissistic brother and sister. We took turns cooking dinner - and one evening it was my brother’s turn. He wasn’t home at the usual time, so I assumed he had to work late and would appreciate my cooking dinner so he could relax when he got home. He had a fit of rage when he found out that I had made dinner. I honestly thought that he would appreciate my thoughtfulness. It really hurt me to the core. In fact, just typing this made me cry. 😢
Thanks, Elizabeth. As we recover, and as we begin to recover our feelings and our truth, we can feel even more the pain of those types of confusing transgressions and experiences. I am glad you can access this pain, and those tears.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse At the risk of me looking like a "drama king" or allegedly "oversensitive," like the saying goes in some of these circles, "You have to feel it to heal it!" (I tried it the other way for years with low contact/grey-rocking and that just got me into bigger holes than I was already with those types)
I just went through a 2 year cycle of narcissistic abuse from my trauma therapist. I have been no contact with my entire family as well. I had a Narc mother and I am the empath scapegoat with a golden child older brother. I also had a Narc ex partner, narc supervisor, and the list goes on. I suffer a lot of structural dissociation, CPTSD, and I have worked through Janina Fisher's book on my own. Every time I made progress, my therapist knocked me down again. It has been a long uphill battle. I'm now exploring IFS/parts work and trying to regain the courage to try to find a new therapist.
So very sorry you experienced this. Janina’s website does have a search feature where you can find therapists internationally trained in TIST (Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment).
Something else I’m interested in is the use of humor. I’ve noted that a good many comics had dysfunctional families. Thank you.
Great suggestion - And true! As exampled by the David Sedaris short stories memoir, 'Naked'. Hysterical...
Have you read John Cleese's book written together with his psychiatrist Robyn Skinner Families and How to Survive Them? It was written about 40 years ago. In it, they talk about the role of the family scapegoat. They also talk about an experiment that was done on how people unconsciously choose partners that resemble family members, and how people brought up in orphanages have trouble connecting with a partner, suggesting that even a bad family is better than no family. I hope I am recounting it correctly as it's 40 years since I read the book, but I am pretty sure that was the upshot of it.
Humor has kept me alive. Both my own and that of comedians.
Speaking of the true/false self, today, my mother made me realize how different I'm from her. Unlike her, I've chosen authenticity over attachment. I'm not a people pleaser, I don't go along to get along, and I've chosen to be true to my nature. I used to get really upset with her, but now I know to limit my conversations with her to protect my mental health. Any parent on this platform reading my comment, please understand that when you play small, stay quiet, and reduce yourself in order to remain under the good graces of your narcissistic adult children, including in-laws, you give up your authority, your respect as a parent, and your throne as queen and king.
I know from other comments here today that your message this afternoon is needed, Yasmine. As always, your presence and your sharing your recovery journey is inspiring. Thank you for being here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I'm grateful to have found my tribe. I thank you for creating this safe space for us. Your video on neural pathways was pivotal for me. I'm learning to rewire my brain and to respond differently in situations mentioned above.
@@Yasminescookingshow Good to hear. Janina Fisher's workbook, Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma, may also be helpful for you, if you don't have it already.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for the reference. I will purchase.
41 years ago i was born ,my authenticity died in 2019 since my official estrangment from all of them but hey I'm still here breathing getting up every morning I count my blessings.
It is interesting that when you (the scapegoat) try to defend yourself or set boundaries or stand your ground against the attacks and belittlement by other family members, you are then perceived, by them, as the attacker, the trouble-maker, etc.
Yep. I discuss this in a recent video here: ruclips.net/video/gLptzBP_Arw/видео.html
They can’t see me, won’t see me and are committed to their false narrative of me.
Yes, my research on what I ended up naming 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) indicates this is a key aspect of the FSA phenomenon, as described in my introductory book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
Well put!! You're not alone. I see you and know it's their loss. Stay strong be blessed in Jesus name.
My biggest fear was that my family wouldn’t accept the real me. I hid her so far down, I lost her. I went along to get along. Fit in the neat, little box they wanted me to. Did and said the things I needed to make it through. I started my healing journey a few years ago. I went ‘all in’ on myself. I found her again. I forgot how beautiful, kind, and magical she was. As it turns out, my family doesn’t accept my authentic, truth telling self. My biggest fear, actualized. The irony, Idgaf what they think any more. I’ve created my own safe space. I give myself validation. I give myself unconditional love and acceptance. I never needed it from anyone else. The hard truth, I was never going to bloom in that environment. People who love you don’t treat you that way. ❤We can heal past the abuse xoxo
Every word of this comment here is GOLD. Make that PLATINUM. I have nothing to add, except that I celebrate your breaking through to the other side - into the TRUTH of who you are. BTW, part 2 of this video will be out this Saturday 11 am PT.
I’m happy for you that you are able to be your true self. 👍🏼❤️ I wished my sister would be able to realize that she’s not her true self, because she knows our narcissist mother wouldn’t accept her for being her true self. My sister watched our mother trying to destroy me for being my true self. So therefore my sister can’t be her true self. She was even afraid to leave her last boyfriend, because she knew our mother would not like it if my sister left the handsome lawyer. And when my sister was 41 years old our mother told her to go no-contact with me. And that was the last time I had heard from my sister. My sister is 45 years old and I lost all hope, she one day will be able to break free from the narcissist family cult.
@@SN-bl6xmI think my sisters hot shot husband is the one who told my sister do this- I’ll never know
I'm so grateful that I found your channel and for you specifically because nobody has ever talked about this with me and I have been in one form of therapy to another most of my life.
I got blamed for everything, I was very different than all of my family in many ways.
My mother was my life saver but my very violent father traumatize me terribly.
My other siblings made it out okay, I became a drug addict and end up in jail although I did get a college degree eventually and became a commercial fishermen, I'm gay, cross-cultural because I'm native and white, my mother died when she was 48, I didn't talk to my other siblings for years and then I did and I was really never allowed to be me.
They're very conservative Orthodox Mormons, my liberal weighs and being gay escort me a lot of pain with them.
Not long ago I drank too much wine and sent them messages that were not very nice but we're what I had been feeling for a long time.
They no longer want anything to do with me.
Sadly I feel Free by that decision.
I've been diagnosed bipolar, and agoraphobic and OCD.
I have been with the same man for 18 years we have a son and a grandson and I have three dogs and I have peace, finally.
I left home when I was 12 years old.
I never leave my house in haven't since 2010.
I've been addiction, and have been clean from heroin and other drugs since 2012.
I have a great relationship with my partner and my son and my dogs.
I don't trust people and always feel like I have to be somebody else to be their friend., like I had to be someone else to be a part of my family.
Thank you so much for your outreach and your RUclips channel I have subscribed and listen to quite a few of your programs but have never commented until now.
I just want to say thank you.
Jeffery Blackwolf
Hi Jefferey, you're very welcome. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Righteous anger is another dynamic that I’ve grown from my years of FSA. Funny you used the dish dropped towel story, my anger was triggered by my bath towel dropped next to a toilet in my apartment with 2 roommates. I lost it! Now I see the source.
Glad the video helped. I have a video here on injustice and righteous rage and I address this in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) as well.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I’m ordering your book now. Is an Audible version in the works by chance?
@@aubreyj.tennant1123 No, but hope to down the road.
As soon as I got out of abuse in my past marriage, and started to become my real self, BOY did my family push back!!! 😂 luckily I sat after trusting myself OVER them. They can think what they want, GO AHEAD! I know me BEST!!🎉🎉🎉❤
In the field of Family Systems, we all this the "Change Back!" dynamic, the underlying, unspoken statement being, "We don't know how to deal with you as a healthy, boundaried person - Change back so we are comfortable!"
lots of people are talking about this now. as far as I can tell, and in my experience, you were the very first person who starting to spread this information. what a gift to the harmed adult children and institutions that work with children.
Thank you
You're very welcome, and I appreciate you acknowledging my early research and work on FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I think FSA was used to be a snowflake (a visible part of reality), your insights too the raw material of truth, made into a snowball, and it is now rolling down a snowy hill. Growing and spreading on its own now.
You can search FSA and it's everywhere. But I've been searching these circles for two decades now. The answers weren't there. But they are now. Your book was the first shattering of gaslighting fog and a way for me to make sense of my experiences.
Thank goodness you're healing up. I would imagine long-term ailment and life shortening are dose dependent. Frequency and duration. I wonder how fatal FSA is and/or how many years it takes from your life.
I just see a pattern of scapegoats barely making it past 40. The ACE Score study showed life expectancy reductions even when controlling for "bad habits".
I wonder if somehow we could single out FSA. Then, if we could figure out where the damage maybe we can manage or reverse whatever the damage is that causes our bodies so much long term injury. Then, it become a large scale public health issue. And maybe ordinary folks will start taking it more seriously.
Tho... if I think about it... that's what they were hoping the ACE study would do. And it was well received in many countries. I remember Ireland, i think, had a whole conference with experts and politicians there to think of solutions. That did noooooot happen in the US. But... it's be ten year or more since then.
Covid did open a lot of people us to new realities. I wish you luck. If I had something to offer to help, I would offer it.
Given the reality that the terms 'family scapegoatingabuse'' / 'FSA' and my decades of research on this form of abuse are only rarely attributed to me, I do appreciate your comments. Unlike in academic circles, most people speaking about these things neglect crediting the original authors/researchers. It's a bit like the Wild Wild West out here in YT and social media land. (!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse You have no idea how comforting it is to know you exist. I have this.... calling... to change the world for the better.
NOTE: I'm very clever and bored. Hence the long message. It's cool if you don't read it. I'm chronically ill so I understand pacing yourself. I'm just sending my best, praising your work, and riffing/brainstorming a little.
It seems like I was born with it. In a world of violence and "everyone out for themselves" I did not succumb. I was the scapegoat who fought back. And I sure hope that does mean I've retained some of that potential. Perhaps what is "calling" me is that unharmed and truest part of me. I've heard the truth teller can become the scapegoat/identified patient because they won't just grin and bear it.
Boy did I ever try to fight back. I gave in a lot too tho ...and just be their perfect porcelain doll and puppet. Just for some peace.
Before I speak/share my thoughts I consider if I'd enjoy it for someone to say to me.
I think this passes that test but I'm not 100% sure.
But, getting to message you from time to time, feels like... Messaging Mick Jagger or something. So I guess some people become big fish in very specific ponds. And this minnow is always like.... OMG. I'm conversing with the real live author of the book that changed the narrative in my head. Invented and spread what happened. Made it normal. I wasn't weird. I did have a reason to be miserable.
The gaslighting got weaker. LOTS weaker.
Now I'm making a poetry book and I LOVE it. Most of the time when I write poems, I feel that little spark inside me. And I can let myself lean into it. It's a great way to occupy my time. You'd be proud tho. A family dog passed away this week and I wrote a memorial poem for him. The dog's guardian, who is generally not comfortable with anything but happy small talk, they said it made them cry and feel like a part of their dog was back with them. My husband hated that family dog. And he said he even cried. My husband even asked if I would write an "ode" for him and I have a million ideas. I have a weird skill. Poetry. He didn't even like the dog and he also felt this intense crying catharsis despite his tendency to leave feelings inside and ignored. My words somehow allowed them to bypass their blocks/masks. And it was so easy. It took ten minutes to write and then I edited 3 or 4 times. A total of like 30 focused minutes. Hmm...
I might be getting good at this.
I'm not worthless. I am not my sick body. I am not my body. I'm what's inside that thinks, feels, learns, and makes choices. That's who writes my poetry. Got published a few times in the college annual book and a statewide one. And those are EMBARRASSINGLY bad now. I think that's a good sign that I've discovered my voice. Who I am. My beliefs, my own voice, my personality, my holistic self.
But making someone cry and feel slightly healed from their grief.
That's not a stupid poem.
And they aren't pointless.
Or a waste of my time.
I'm. Not. Bad.
Never was, really.
Will I ever feel that in my gut?
I think the amount of time since I escaped is coming up on the same number of years I was held captive. It less intense now than it was the day I escape. Does time (especially time in a safe place) heal the wound by filling up your life with other things. Like, someday those first 18 years will only be 30% of my total life. Maybe that how time sometimes heals. The percent of your life that was painful gets smaller the longer you live in a safe and reliable household. Especially if its filled with unconditional love. I've got a loving immediate family at home who communicates and holy moley.... watch a kid grow up in a happy home.
That's a VERY different kid!!!!
I would love a video of what it's like to raise a kid really well (our life is like the kid's show Bluey but real). But every single new stage bring back a memory of you at that age and what happened when you did the same thing. I don't have any instincts in me to be mean. I don't have any fight to keep calm. That love is easy for me. So, my life become confusing. I forgave both parents when I moved out. I bought their story that parenting us was such unbelievable torment that they literally couldn't control themselves. And I believed that.
Until I became a mom.
And every minute of the day I need to just grin and bear it as I watch this great childhood. That's MORE fun and easy for parents. I mean the physicality and vigor it takes to abuse for hours and hours every day burning with rage. How the heck did they even have the energy? They had full time jobs.
Why not parent in easy mode? Love unconditionally, do little plays to show conflict resolution, kid proof your house so no special vases can get broken by a baseball, but mostly just go with the flow.
We never wanted or expected "obedience" but he gifted it to us. It's an odd metaphor. But it reminds me of having a disciple and earning their respect and trust and hopefully they choose to follow you of their own free will based on evidence rather than the other way around. So often kids are told "You need to earn my/our trust". That's not our vibe. I always felt like we needed to earn my kid's trust by being reliable, safe, and truthful. If we say we'll do it, it happens. There are no big personality swings or changed. We're the same mom and dad every day. Gentle, compassionate, with unconditional positive regard, taking his "problems" seriously ("You cut the grilled cheese the wrong way" 😭"You seem really upset." "I'm sad!" "That's tough. Maybe we can fix it. What if we cut it in 4ths? That REALLY showcases the cheese" "ok!") and abundantly full of love. And "bad behavior" goes away on it's own like worry about his tossing food of his high chair. We got an inflatable mini baby bath tub, put a tray on an ottoman next to it, suddenly no mess. Feed you baby in the bathtub and they clean themselves. Lol. And those things all passed. He grew out of it and didn't need to feel ashamed for growing up and feeling like the world is really big and scary so even little changes can be confusing. If it's serious to him. It's serious to us. Period. Being a kid is rough. You have so much uncertainty (is it safe to walk on sand or will I sink? will I go down the drain with the bathwater?) and everything is new. Least we can do is to try understand and empathize with how damn hard it is to learn EVERYTHING. A giant complicated world.
Being nice to kids is easier, more fun, AND makes them "obedient". I intensely dislike stealing autonomy from children. Intentionally causing your child to suffer, cry, or feel bad isn't as helpful as people believe.
EARN their trust and suddenly it's "So well behaved!" and "A joy to have in class" etc.
Maybe you and I co-author of book opposite yours. Yours is the prequel. what not to do. I know A LOT of what to do instead. It'd be fun to be like "here's the problem" and then "here are some solutions" for parenting with a FSA background.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
PS. I had a college professor who, with friends at a bar, coined the term CODA (child of deaf adult) maybe a few decades ago now. A movie called CODA got an Oscar, I think. No mention of Professor Johanna Larson who invented the term while hanging with friends. She's a treasure too. I wish society behaved and existed based in its lovely rhetoric rather than dog eat dog. "The New Colossus" by Emma Lazarus is so powerful. And for a women in the 1800's. She was bold.
And a poet. Poetry can set standards and expectation. We're not living up to the promises in that poem. But I'm at least glad it there. Proof that someone cared. Like in "The Lorax" (so hard not to cry when I read that at bedtime) who leaves just one word behind when he leaves "Unless".... Unless people start to care and take action.
A brave woman named Emma Lazarus wrote that. That's inspiring. My lost pet poem helped a person feel comforted and feel catharsis by crying.
I won't give up.
Even tho I want to.
I want to help. I'm called to help somehow.
But even graduating and getting formal education, it didn't change my life path. My head just got fuller of information where I immediately thought of solutions. Easy ones. It happens a lot. I don't care what form it takes. I just wish I was less isolated (selfish) and doing something helpful or useful.
Thanks for the inspiration.
And the selfless and thankless work. Work that won't change the past. But maybe could change the lives of kids now and in the future. You live up to "be the change you want to see" and I hope I can be an activist again someday.
We're doing more experimental treatments. The last one made it worse. But... I won't give up. Maybe someday they'll cure or find safe and effective treatments for Catamenial CVS.
I'm not ready to be a vegetable in bed yet. I've never met a challenge I couldn't fight. But everyone knows... there are only 2 things guarantees in life... death and taxes. Maybe it's the end of my time. Docs are not just unhelpful but openly antagonistic mostly. I found ONE who was nice and she's my main person. The difference when someone is humanizing you versus seeing you as a number is profound. But it took multiple FDA trials, experimental treatment, damaging "treatment", and maybe 30 docs before I found her.
It's a damn tough world out there. Especially when you're profoundly ill and it's like a court case where you're the accused during every medical appointment. I always have a witness to back me up so I'm believed. And the stories are harrowing.
But time.
Time might heal it. And I can't mess that up. Time goes by whether we like it or not.
I didn’t fight. I caved abuse I’d have been beaten by my father- the enabler 😭😭💔. And, I just wanted her to love me. My girl mind felt that “if I am a good girl she’ll love me”. Well, I was but she didn’t. And it’s not because I was seriously bad, flawed, evil…it’s because she was. Narcissistic people don’t love. It’s just not in them. I feel so sad for her even after all she’s done to me. My life now is awesome. As I continue to rid myself of her….I rise higher and higher to the top!!!
Yes, children simply want to feel loved. I celebrate your working through, and transcending, the emotional abyss.
These families created a scapegoat system to NOT SEE the truth.
Why would they ever switch over to "seeing" after all these years .... for the SCAPEGOAT?
Yet we continue to fawn, hope, suffer ... KUDOS to anyone who's been able to exit this psycopathy.
It literally feels IMPOSSIBLE.
For me it wasn't a parent it was a sibling. Today when I am with my siblings I feel as if there's a lie hovering over us. Can't place my finger on what it is. I want to thank you immensely because I have never heard this put so factually. For years I've thought there was something wrong with me. There's so much I want to say..but let me just say " thank you!"
My mother's cruel pathology and rejection made it a no-brainer to stay away from her. Everyone wanted to. She used guilt to keep herself tethered to others. I decided in my teens that she was the definition of a failed human being, that I must not be like her. So she labeled me mean, unfeminine, crude like a farmhand, contrasting with herself as the meek, helpless princess. I went from a fairy tale loving little girl to a mathematician. At nearly 60, I'm building my personal Bambi world, surrounding myself with cute fur babies, building a wildlife friendly garden. I'm only truly at ease when I'm alone with my fur babies, having a blast running a nursery with a bunch of perpetual 2-year-olds. I also identify with Beatrix Kiddo (played by Uma Thurman) in Kill Bill 2. She was brutally mowed down by those whom she trust while she was at her most vulnerable. She took revenge on every one of them with her Hanzo sword. The intense fight scene between her and Elle really reminds me my struggle with my mother. She coveted my Hanzo sword all her life and wanted to destroy me for it. She failed. I cut the Gordian Knot with my Hanzo sword.
Anne, I LOVE THIS! Such a powerful analogy - a perfect 'add-on' to my Gordian Knot analogy. (I also relate to every word...thank you).
Thank you Rebecca. So well described. It was a dangerous and hostile environment. I was a “ little nuisance “ for having needs- health needs. I knew from a very early age, something was not right about how our family was.
I bought your ebook today and will read it. I am getting immediate relief from your videos.
Wonderful! I have a list of more resources here, from my website: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you Rebecca.
Truth is powerful.
I just keep learning in this together time on Saturdays.
I am thankful.
It seems to me you have to be completely empty of the false self so the true self can grow and flourish.
So I have decided to see "empty " as a gift.😊 Jane
There is a wonderful line from the ancient Chinese book of wisdom, the Tao Te Ching: "(to be) Empty...but not Exhausted." Always good to hear from you, Jane.
And sometimes its just called life.. i am the youngest of 4 and always stood my ground no matter who it was getting on my case .. So of course they hated on me 😂 and now at 60 they think they are ghosting me.. But its me who has ghosted them.. my birthday is in a few days and im expecting a mixed result.. But the result for them has already arrived and its called silence
This is amazing. Identity and what it drives are so misunderstood. In fact others tend to think we are our actions. In religious contexts where everyone feels shamed, it becomes the driven-norm. That way they get an out for their own, "sin" by focusing on the behavior of others. In that way toxic shame is perpetuated in churches. It's so sad.
Well said. (And...it is.)
My parents always said i was the difficult one, uncontrollable, trouble maker rebellious etc. Now i know i was the scapegoat child, the the seeker and truth teller, the lucky child because i have been able to escape my family and go into recovery. Onething i have learnt is you can not break no contact, especially if you think its going to be different now mums died or dads died, its worse, you will always be treated as the Scapegoats no matter what. I gave my mum a copy of the Big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and she read it and donated it to the op shop. She died never realising she could of had Sobriety , she just didnt want it. I hate being around my dad, i still feel like that scared child and im 55. Im staying no contact
Wise words. Thank you for taking the time to share your FSA recovery experiences.
Thanks so much for this video. Scapegoat and major SA from a CEO father left me broken literally and figuratively. I drove 120 in a telephone pole in fear on an empty road then coded out and crawled from the car ripping bones from fire. That was the beginning. The wreck was written about as if I was a celebrity and I'm not. It was to make sure to provoke and record me breaking so I wouldn't appear as a credible witness in civil court. I never went for money and maybe i should've. I became the enemy and now 8 years after the crash and fighting it can feel isolating. Escpecially b/c i was a tough gay guy. My true self is sensitive. I told the truth. I haven't been able to survive alone and therefor still rely on the father who makes sure to restrict opportunity and money for me b/c he is in love. My brother and I broke the cycle. It broke our relationship as well. Thank you for being so kind to explain this and make me feel less alone.
What an ordeal! Glad you're here. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you need additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
So grateful for you and your book! It is difficult to unpack this trauma but much needed. One day at a time :)
Glad you're here, Suzanne - Be sure to also check out my playlist for both survivors and clinicians - I get into more detail about complex trauma and recovery there.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you!!
Yes yes...one day at a time ❤😊
Thanks Rebecca for discussing this topic of the false self / true self. I have said before on this community forum that I am a super fan of Carl Jung & I know that you have also studied his work in depth. I hope that you will provide more episodes if people need more clarification as it is a fantastic topic of discussion. Also I'm wondering can you please cover D.I.D. or multiple personality disorders as this was my Family Scapegoat narrative (which was never a professional diagnosis in my medical history). My sisters love to use this narrative to prevent me from becoming my TRUE SELF & I also feel that they are very scared that if I become a Therapeutic Coach then people will actually listen to me instead of viewing me as a crazy person. Tks so much for your honest account with your friend it's great to know that you are real and living with the same crappy behaviour that we have to encounter in our careers . 💜
Hi Nicola - Thank you and you are welcome! Did you already watch my clinical-oriented video on Structural Dissociation? It is on my Clinicians playlist on the home page of my channel. That's a good place to start, and I also link to one of my articles on this in the video description and pinned comment. And truer words were never said when you write: "I also feel that they are very scared that if I become a Therapeutic Coach then people will actually listen to me instead of viewing me as a crazy person." (Example: When I began to learn how to have appropriate, healthy boundaries and exhibited this in my communiciations, I was yelled at once to "STOP TALKING LIKE A THERAPIST!")
Yes Rebecca I watched that episode before & I've watched it again just to recap. I have a few symptoms that you mention like migraines & memory loss with numbers or academic information in times of acute stress which I put down to complex trauma. But my sisters would have people believe that I'm the female version of the guy in the movie Spilt & we all know that's exaggerated fiction. Is it possible for the psyche to have different identities? I'm on the fence on this as I have often had to go to a happy place to cope with pain or disfunction in the family but I have never turned into another person or identity. As I have said before Ireland uses out dated research in their centers & some people will believe my family & this will block my full potential in my career. I would love to have solid recent evidence of a person becoming another person or person's. If you have any other recommendations I would really appreciate it. 💜
With Structural Dissociation (secondary to complex trauma), one can have different streams of consciousness - but this is NOT the same thing as entirely different identities. It may be if you google structural dissociation and Janina Fisher you can find articles or videos with her talking more about this. It is common with complex trauma and with adult survivors of child psycho-emotional abuse as well.
Recover reclaim the authentic self. Recover reclaim the authentic self. We have been fictionalized and our ability to know our own character has been distorted by the false fictionalization.
This reflects my views on recovering from FSA perfectly, as outlined in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Thank you.
I am currently binge watching your videos. I bought the book a couple years ago and I cannot tell you how validating this information is for me. I am the eldest of 9 who grew up in a profoundly dysfunctional family. I suspect my father is a malignant narcisisst, and know my mother has narcissistic traits (though she has done a lot of recovery and therapy and acknowledges now that she contributed to forcing me into the scapegoat role). Of my 8 siblings, 2 have completely cut me off (one is a major power holder). The rest keep in very loose touch, but none can tolerate hearing about my painful experience of being scapegoated. Last year they all got together for Thanksgiving-me and my family (we have 3 wonderful daughters) were the only ones not invited. Now they are planning a baby shower for one of my estranged sisters, and again I am the only sibling being excluded from this event. It hurts!
I love how you point out that those with a predominant “fight” response to trauma often hold on to their true essence to some degree more than others-that’s me! I never completely abandoned myself, in spite of horrific emotional, psychological and physical abuse.
I also very much appreciate your observation that we have a high tolerance for dysfunction-boy did that land for me!
My only question for you is this Rebecca-what is the best way to further my recovery from this? I have done a *ton* of personal healing around addiction, codependence, and childhood trauma. But this aspect of FSA is especially pernicious in that it is ongoing and very difficult to explain to others, including therapists, who often do not understand the complexities and subtleties of this kind of abuse. Do you have any recommendations for a good therapist who can help with this aspect of recovery? I think I saw on your site awhile ago that you are not accepting new clients currently, but if that’s changed please let me know!
My first question in answer to your question would be do you feel you are suffering from complex trauma symptoms (FSA survivors also typically suffer from betrayal trauma, toxic shame, and traumatic invalidation as well). This is the focus with most of my clients. The workbook I use (until I can get my own FSA workbook out) is Dr. Janina Fisher's 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma'. More resources here from my FSA survivor resource list: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Thank you for your kinds words for the fighters. I wish I could find a therapist where I’m at. I’ve had years of CBT which helped, but I’m still responding which I’ve only recently began to understand. My last therapist said my fight was to get attention and that I was modeling my father. Neither of these felt correct. My fathers rage came out of no where. One minute joking around and the next minute he’d go off.
Rhonda, you might go to Dr Janina Fisher's website and use the search function to search for a TIST certified (or trained) therapist in your area - some are willing to work online. They could take you through the workbook by Dr Fisher I use with my FSA recovery clients: Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma. I think you would find this type of psycho-education most helpful, as would any survivor of childhood abuse.
Thank you for this. You lay these things out clearly, without condescension and without a great deal of the emotional baggage that sometimes comes in these videos. Don't get me wrong. I treasure that emotional validation that many presenters give through their moral objections to narcissistic abuse. But this kind of thorough, clinical, general information is really useful. I'm off to watch Part 2, and I need to go looking for this Gordian knot you mention.
You're welcome. I do try to be 'trauma-informed' in my presentation so as to not activate people's nervous systems (!) I discuss my Gordian Knot analogy in my book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. (I created the term FSA during my Family Systems research on the effects of family scapegoating on children / adult children; it is a distinct form of abuse, and can happen in any dysfunctional family system, not just a narcissistic one).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Well, thank you for your contributions. I have been slow to look into these "family roles" and their dynamics, because I never felt like I fit neatly into one role. I think it would be fair to say that I was one parent's golden child and the other's scapegoat, perpetually trapped in the orbit of their lifelong narcissistic struggle. He was a milder overt/communal narcissist, and she was and is a covert/malignant narcissist. She was the darker, more malevolent one. As a father, he was always her enabler, urging me to compromise and bend to her will, probably because he knew she never would.
Anyway, I have felt trapped for a year or more by that Gordian Knot. It's good to have someone else describe it and write about it. I look forward to learning more.
Commenting on both Part 1 and 2: these videos are like a road map that normalizes (in a good way) what the hell just happened these past 5.5 decades! Really. If someone could have told me, “Mike, you’ve landed into a family system that ‘loves you’ but they really and truly can’t, so get the hell out as soon as you can kid … OMG, I would have saved decades from all the resistance. I am a fighter, so I’m doing what I want to be doing, in a career no one understood, but the drag and resistance from my family was intolerable. I love the line (part 1) where you say, scapegoated people can tolerate an enormous amount of dysfunction. It’s bizarro!! That’s my new favorite word. To hear again (Part 2), we are still WHOLE, even after all these decades, we have many cracks, but thats where the Light comes in … my wife reaffirmed, “I married a whole person” … that is affirming, because I don’t fully believe it because of all the bizzaro, really crazy sh*t family members say. This, just yesterday, my brother accused ME of tapping into my parents phone to block texts he could send them. I never would even thought if that idea!! WTF!! These are truly strange families to be born into, and Survive. My mistake was somehow believing I was suppose to help them (as the youngest child), thats absurd! That became a game of wack-a-mole. Tampering w both my parents cellphones?? We all just want our own phones to work!! Bizzaro. Keep these videos coming. Thank you!
Hi Mike - Thank you for recapping some of the finer points in these videos. I was the youngest as well, and also felt that sense of *needing* to help the entire system I was in. Speaking of 'Bizarro' - Did you already watch my two 'Bizarre Realities' here? If not, you may want to. I'll be getting a third one out soon. And do check out the 3rd Affirmations video I am releasing next Saturday - it was especially tailored to go along with this video series (part 2).
I'm on it. Bizzaro is the word of the day! Thanks for helping put things in perspective @@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
This explains to me why by the age of nine or ten I related to the character of Sybil. I couldn't get enough of watching/reading about her and distinctly remember relating to her.
But, in many ways I did rebel. And, yes, considered by several family members to be many of the characteristics you describe.
Hi Kimberly, if you related to Sybil when you were young, be sure to watch my clinical video here on scapegoating and Structural Dissociation - I pinned a related article I wrote in the comment and in the video description as well. Your 'fight' response helped save you, btw...Something to celebrate.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you 💝💯🥳
As the youngest of 6, I've always been a skapegoat for my siblings, which got worse as we got older. My parents never gave up on me and always evaluated with their own eyes, and knew what was happening. I assumed the caregiver role for both my parents many years ago, Dad with Parkinson's and mom with cognitive decline. Recently I replaced my oldest sibling as executor of the family trust, and the boomers have lost their minds. True colors were shown by all. My sibs are horrible people.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. You may want to watch this video on scapegoating and sibling dynamics: ruclips.net/video/lhb5WdUV2q0/видео.html
Thank you for sharing your knowledge!
You're very welcome!
❤ thank you for saying what I cant
It took me awhile as well...(!)
And now Rebecca you say it so well😊
Thank you.
Thank you for these videos. You truly are gifted in helping to validate my life's story of the false self - lost to being the servant, caregiver, garbage receptacle for everyone else's shit - their guilt and shame of never being enough. I was the person who ate the last cookie, the one who broke Mom's favorite vase (I wasn't even home) and the reason for my Dad's abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual) as well as his depression. I was the 7th child born of 7. Literally and figuratively, I was garbage and treated accordingly. True story - while we were keeping vigil the night my mother died, my older sister commanded (demanded) me to take out the garbage. This was fitting as her way of coping has been perfectionism to maintain order in the chaos. She demonstrates traits of compulsivity and OCD and because I am not seen by the family as having value, needs, or import, I was given the job of taking out the trash while my brothers and sisters sat on their asses. When Dad's Depends needed changing, I was called into do it. I obliged - happy to help any way possible in the moment. It felt good to be needed in this way (I was so sick and disrespected but did not know it) Some years later, I had an awakening and began to see my codependence and my role as family scapegoat. Upon my father's death in 2018 (the malignant narcissist and alcoholic), his vacated role was quickly filled by my most evil malevolent sister. This was addressed in one of your earlier videos. There is too much vitriol surrounding this specific sister to describe here, but I have been on the receiving end of her spear all my life and I finally woke up to how my other 5 siblings fell in line to submit to her narrative of who "I am". Then, after my father died, several months later my eldest sister died of alcohol addiction; she saw me for who I was in my truest nature but struggled with her own issues of complex PTSD and resulting pain manifested in alcoholism. I soon discovered that the sister who filled Dad's narcissistic shoes, had actually taken control of all my sister's estate too - changing beneficiaries because she had Power of Attorney. However, I mustered the courage to face her down in court, along with all her flying monkeys. I have never looked back since. Those 3 siblings I saw in court simply no longer exist to me. The other two remaining sisters are a enmeshed package deal. I was unprepared for all the manipulation in those I loved and wished would just love me for me. I thought they were my "allies," but they turned out to be just as sick as the others. They were attachment figures for me in childhood; they had nurtured me in the absence of my mother who neglected us all n her despair. The were the last of my sibs to go no contact - there simply were no healthy options. As you stated, I either had to comply with their continued maltreatment and narrative which meant me giving up being my authentic self. I am just discovering who I am now and navigating life at 60 on my own. I did have righteous rage . Today it manifests as just a feeling of overwhelming sadness that they all choose to live unhealed (yes, it is a choice) in continued dysfunction and thereby hurting me. As part of my own healing and grief process, I went back to school at aged 56 to become an Addictions Counselor and everyday, I continue to learn, grow, evolve and become my true self. On bad days, I wonder who I could have been all my life had I been born to a family without so much generational trauma and poverty - but I realize the fruitlessness of this -- as the family torment was part of my journey that got me to the place where I am helping others address their trauma and to be seen and heard for the first time in their lives. I now have new meaning and purpose and they can never take it away no matter what narrative they invent. Friends, keep fighting for yourselves out there. It is lonely, but it is the only sane option. You matter. I matter. We just don't matter to those we were born to and who were entrusted to nurture and love us. Don't tap out!! Keep the videos coming -- you continue to help me grow and learn new things about myself.
I plan to. And I really appreciate this line from you here: "You matter. I matter. We just don't matter to those we were born to and who were entrusted to nurture and love us." Sadly, this is often true for the FSA adult survivor.
Thank you for your work🙏 I greatly appreciate it!
I understand what you mean about being the 'crazy therapist', here in Germany they denied the existence of dissociative personality disorder on a political satire show - I was shocked! They even went so far as to make fun of a prominent therapist here who treats DID, they took apart her Instagram posts and said she worshipped the devil....
So again thank you for shedding light on scapegoat abuse
You're very welcome. Very sorry to hear this is going on in Germany. I have had quite a few people from Germany contact me about my book; hopefully awareness will increase over time regarding the reality of invisible abuse and its potential impact on children and adult survivors, including the development of trauma and dissociation.
thank you. I'm so glad you're back.
I still need to email you a photo of what my copy of your book looks like. Highlighted, TONS of flags all over, notes in the margins. Banged around from being carried in my purse to read in waiting rooms. Once I do a big spring clean then I'll find everything again. "Does this spark joy?" style purge. I'm sure it will reveal itself. 😅
Fawn. Fear. Flight. Fight. No matter which life-preserving response you use as a child or adult -- they turn it around and use it as another way to shame & belittle you -- while all you are trying to do is survive. Gordian knot is a perfect metaphor.
Well said, thank you. My personal experience with these dynamics inspires many analogies (sadly!)
I'm exhausted fighting my way thru life. I'm done!
Your life matters. Being scapegoated can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/ You can also look over my resources for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can’t really even remember a time when I felt loved or bonded with my mother. When I had my daughter I searched & searched old pictures, memories, family stories, but couldn’t find any early childhood memories of mom & I together so I called my oldest sister and flat out asked her, “Was mom a good mom?”. She answered, “I was your mom when you were young”. From a young age I was standoffish, quietly observing, staying invisible in my fantasy world of grandpa’s farm & the colt he promised me before he died. I became the rebel, all my siblings were on mom’s side against our dad (who was no saint), not saying a word (or agreeing) when she would berate & humiliate him non-stop. Rather than my mom, I had bonded with my dad & grandpa. Even from a young age I knew her behavior was unloving, vile & reprehensible, and vowed never to treat my husband, children and loved ones that way. All that fell down the memory hole, I married a Grandiose Narcissist and instead of turning into my mom, I turned into my dad. The placater, the appeaser, the scapegoat.
Ack! That was a twist there at the end I did not expect!! We can not only turn into our parents at times (which takes a lot of self-honesty to admit), we can also MARRY them. Sometimes a spouse will be a 'two-fer' - both dysfunctional parents wrapped into one. What a deal! Like I said in an early video here, the 'Universe' seems to keep playing the same trick on us until we see it for what it is. And begin making different (more conscious / healthy) choices.
This brought back so many painful memories.
I guess I’ve always been self-motivated though I never noticed that given what I was told about myself by my parents. I don’t need to be invited somewhere to go somewhere. I follow my own curiosity and do a lot on my own and have fun by myself or with a couple of people. But I lost sight of this while living as a scapegoat within my nuclear unit. After futilely fighting back, I became severely depressed and was so self-consciously ashamed of the things I was told I was that I couldn’t go out to the corner store without a boost of alcohol to lighten the shame.
When I moved out, I was surprised at my gumption. Yes, I still hid from people and from going places with people to an extent but I was very mobile on my own, using public transportation to go and see places I’d never been. I was stunned to discover my gumption again and the desire to experiment with ideas and solo adventures.
I’m in a very difficult living situation right now but I have also experienced brief encounters with who I really am and want that back. I found me and want to have a chance to be me again.
Hi Lorna, in this case, the trope "keep your eyes on the prize" can be helpful - the prize being your living fully in alignment with your true self nature. I am glad to hear you are reconnecting again in these ways you describe, and I hope you continue on in your most worthy quest.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hi Rebecca, it's funny you say that because when I lost my nuclear family and was feeling despair, I consoled myself by saying, "You left with the prize of your self." Which frankly was missing when I was with them. And as silly as that sounds, it's true. When the scapegoat escapes we leave with the prize of our self. We won't be prized by them, not ever, but we get the immense prize of gaining back our self. Best wishes to you.
Yet another wonderful bit of synchronicity. Thank you for sharing this with us!
100% relate to this.
Part 2 will be out this coming Saturday - Hope you subscribed!
Wow. So well explained ty ✨❤️
You’re welcome.
Thank you so much for this video - you put it so well! I've been having very similar insights (some of which I journaled almost verbatim) especially about the part of "projecting" vs "protecting".
I am an (adopted) scapegoated child and the only child of emotionally neglectful parents. It is a special kind of hell for only-children. For a long time, I bought into the belief that I was defective, for which despite this, my parents still loved and "did everything for" me. I often had a very overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility toward them. But now I'm seeing that their love was always a covert form of control/subjugation and that all my tantrums, acting out etc were a result of their inability to attune toward me and be unavailable toward me. It was a natural and healthy reaction, for which they made me a - exactly as the word says - scapegoat.
I'm seeing how so many of their beliefs and values they planted in me and which I internalized were false. All it's done is lead me to selfsabotage myself. They've left me with massive deficits, and I've always felt like I 've had early memory of being much more whole coming into this world than I have had to feel being under them.
It's been a year since I cut contact. I'm in the process of reclaiming my identity which, as you so well put it, I didn't entirely capitulate. I used to write a lot as a form of escape and realized that the peace and fulfillment it gave me came from a place within me - that I should have been living from this place all along, that it was my parents' moral responsibility to have excavated these truths from me which should have been protected instead of projected on to. I am working on practicing tapping in and living from this place. I'm hoping to minimize my own splitting. The more I watch your videos, the more I gain conviction of my own inner values and worth, and the more I align with my inner identity. Thank you very much for your videos!
PS - Would anybody be able to help me find Part 2 to this video, as I was not able to find it. Sorry if I'm overlooking it somehow.
Thank you for your enriching comment. This is part 2 of the video - I thought it was at the end of this one but if not I will go and add it now. ruclips.net/video/pRGin4zhuB8/видео.html
This is on point. Bruce Liptons work, Like "The Biology of Belief" fits right in with these aspects, it's helped me understand how the programming works. This stuff goes deep. Thanks for sharing.
I appreciate your comment and that you took the time to watch this lesser-viewed 'oldie but goodie' video (!)
Spot on!
Sending love and another Thank you for being with us and being there for us! since I listen to the new video and older ones now!
I´m dealing with lots of emotions these days, being glad to have escaped, and I probably cried the first tears actually that I could! leave.
But then shortly after bad feelings of missing my mother. Of course that part I never saw again for a long long time, or only as one half of the two faced being (don´t want to say monster, but looking at it with open eyes you don´t know what words to use instead).
Bad feelings of anger that I don´t know where to put, and I guess because they still go inwards the damn fimbromyalgic pain in the legs and belly muscles increase again (I was so happy it got better for two weeks 🙈🙈🤪🤪).
So lots of little ups and downs, but I stick to our subject and continue with writing little journal entries, trying to reflect things etc.
Have a goood weekend, dear Rebecca!! 💝💝🤗🤗🌺🌺🌞🌞
Thank you - Go slow, and I think you have read my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) but if not, please do, it will give you an introductory but comprehensive overview based on my original FSA research.
When I think back on my mother (and even today) it wasnt even an internal split but more like her entire locus of control was externalized onto her children. Unfortunately as the scapegoat I was the receptacle of her shadow. But it makes sense how I cannot get any understanding because my regulation itself is her dysregulation and vice versa. And likewise with my siblings. It's a Catch 22. It's like Brer Rabiit fighting the Tar Baby and I dont even know which character is who!
Profoundly insightful. You describe this dynamic very well. Given I use the 'tar and feathering' analogy to describe the 'scapegoat's' predicament in their family, I'd say they are the Tar Baby (!) I discuss this more in my video on the Empath (I think...)
Thank you so much for sharing and for all the work you have done to help people so many people.
You are so welcome - I appreciate this acknowledgment. Glad you're here.
There was always a family "story" that was often trotted out by my Mother, it is often bought out for everyone to laugh at, included my nieces and nephews. The story is from when I was 4 years old. Also a story that Mother loves to regale of when my brother was born and we would be at the shops and little old ladies, looking into the pram and saying to my Mother- " Oh, at last you got the little boy you always wanted" Mother telling me I was "meant to be a boy" and they even had a boys name picked out- they used the name when he came along after me.
Yes, I call this 'family story' the 'scapegoat narrative' - And did a video on this here: ruclips.net/video/syjUNqa1lNc/видео.html
I love the way the explain things. Thank you.
You're very welcome!
Excellent and amazing. For a few years now ive been wanting to discover my authentic self. Ive been looking at the Id, ego and superego. To hear your explanation of so many things that I relate to, in this video, is quite overwhelming and almost igniting.
Sometimes, yes, there is one who pops their head in to ones 'room' and just 'gets it'. Thank you for your work and for how well you are able to communicate your research. I shall look at part 2 and your other recommendation. Thank you.
I appreciate your comment, thank you. Understanding the 'micro' and 'macro' of various types of systems can truly aid one in their recovery from FSA. I think I sent you the resource list already that I put together but let me know here if I didn't!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hello Rebecca, Youve sent me a link to another video, with parts one and two and mentioned your book. I think Ive seen somewhere you mention a link to (your website?) with further resources. I will try to find it in another comment youve posted. Thanks again for your time.
You're welcome. Link to the resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you Rebecca, You've been very generous with your time.
Hi Rebecca! You are a blessing!! Thanks so much, i love how you go right to the point.
Very well described. Thank you.
You're very welcome! Part 2 will be out next Saturday.
I feel sorry for my sister and her two kids, I used to see them but they have been consumed by the master narc (my dad) and I refuse to be any part of that toxicity
I am glad you can recognize the fact that they are in bondage. It is often the scapegoat who will eventually find true liberation from these soul-dehydrating dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems.
Wow fight response here. definitely a fighter.
No child is born tabula rasa , we just learn how to hide certain parts , while compensating by exaggerating other parts.
People don't change they just become more or less of who they are ..
.(Our personas are like deamons that can become demonic defense mechanism like depression , they are ours but never our true self , for other people have their own demons that might be even more disturbing but no less better or worst just different or weird , to facilitate a cumbersome moment when in our most toxic self we can view thru a undistorted lens what is indeed normal and what is sick
For eyes thats are meant for the day may not be adjusted to see in the night, we must first identify with our own sickness if we are to help that of others
This was a very wise video Thank You
And a very wise comment, in return. Thank you, One-Rex.
so spotted on, glad I found you
helpful
Glad it helped - and glad you are here. There's a part two to this video, btw. I linked it at the end of this one.
The first time I looked into each of my newborn children's eyes, it was as if I had known them all my life, two beautiful and amazing souls.
I don't understand how a parent willfully splits his/her own family, scapegoats members of his/her own family or anyone else for that matter. Our mother had to have major issues before any of her children were born.
It is not always willful - but this does not mitigate the damage. You might want to read an article I published on my Sustack about underlying dynamics that can fuel FSA: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/how-projection-processes-fuel-family
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you! Yes, I was considered the empath, the gifted artist and student, yet I was also reliably confronted as "the problem child", because I was born.
I was in my early 30s when I finally realized Mom was envious, projecting her own failures and resentments onto me, but I hung on, tolerating the backbiting, lies and supply-seeking until I figured the only way to stop the abuses was walk away, which I did at 46.
I find that it's kind of like going into elementary school each day and having to face that school bully except in this case that bully happens to be one or all of the members of your family. As boys we are taught to man up as if this bullying is completely normal and in some way prepares us for the real world. It certainly does but you don't expect those in the real world to love & protect you. I've always felt that feeling of home & safety has always been missing There's a real sense of betrayal that builds up over the years, especially when the parent hasn't done their job to make the others aware of their inappropriate behaviour, which is why I feel it can go on for years into adulthood. But I guess that's to be expected when the parent is very much stunted or traumatized themselves from whatever it is that happened to them. Not wanting to educate oneself on their own weakness's, for whatever reason, seems to be the norm. Coming from an alcoholic family system I can remember my Mother turning away from anything to do with substance abuse issues on the radio, television or even discussing the subject so she would definitely turn away from anything you may have to offer that could ultimately help her. I for one, think knowledge is power. Thank for the vid.
Good analogy. No safe place for the child. The impact from this is inestimable.
I think I was already playing the role of someone else by the time I was three to five. All my childhood photos after three are rigid, standing straight, a fake smile plastered to my face, which is why I hate my childhood pictures. I identify myself as a fighter but I think that developed while I was bullied at school, and I was probably more into the fawn and submit with my mother, although she would probably disagree saying what a difficult child I was to raise.
I realize that I need to find my true self but if I was (unintentionally) neglected during infancy and scapegoated from around three, how can I remember my true self if it is buried in the memory of an infant that is impossible to remember? If I do come up with something, how could I know it is the real me and not another person I am just trying /wanting/mimicking to be?
By the way, it made me laugh when you said “high tolerance to dysfunction” because that is so spot on!
Finally, thank you for this channel and your book!
Hi Ayame, any discussion of ‘finding’ the true self will be both paradoxical and frustrating. That’s why I use the words like ‘recover’ and ‘realign’. In my book I have a chapter on reconnecting with the true self in a practical sense (versus in the spiritual sense). Did you get to that chapter yet?
Rebellious underneath it all. But on top, people pleaser. For the most part. However, at 62, I sometimes feel like a cranky bitch, because I am over pretending that life is peachy. I think it's the rebellious part that helped me survive my dad and have a strong sense of self. Although, later fawning played a role in my surviving the narcissistic older siblings abuse.
I was kind of under the belief, until this morning, that I was not scapegoated by my siblings after my dad died, until my mom was extremely infirm and passed away. Then they doubled down on making me the family scapegoat. But in between, they scapegoated me in their own different ways, it was just more subtle than how my dad did it. I now recognize that every single one of my four surviving siblings has had their own way of scapegoating me throughout my life, after my dad died. It's just that it wasn't unanimous with regard to style or motivation, or all at the same time, until the end.
The older dark triad sister went through years of feuding and scapegoating two of our other siblings for many years each, consecutively. Finally landing on me, especially after I prevented and called her out for almost causing our mother's death a year earlier than she actually survived to, given my intervention. An intervention for which I got yelled at and hung up on as my sister was driving to the skilled nursing facility to take my mother home when in fact she had her lungs full of a quart and a half of the things she had been aspirating and would have died had I not requested she get taken to the ER across the street from the SNP. I had been suspecting that she was aspirating but nobody would listen to me.
Important realizations. Indeed, the scapegoating by siblings can be insidious and subtle, particularly when fueled by the Family Projective Identification Process, as discussed in some of my videos and articles, and in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
I lived for more than a decade in Europe. When I returned to the US I met up with some high school friends. One of them told me privately that she had met my sister during my years living abroad at a store and she spoke about how exciting it was that I had done this big move… my sister told her that I was a prostitute and had a abandoned a loving family. Every time I meet sister’s or mother’s friends, I know they believe jealous and envious lies about me…it’s taken me years to realize how much they hate me and to stay as far away as possible
The lies associated with what I call the ‘scapegoat narrative’ can be both outrageous and preposterous - Having been the target of some of these whoppers myself, when I say I understand - I REALLY understand…!
You know what is weird, too: I didn’t know what mother or older sister thought, felt, or believed about ANYTHING! Shallow, fearful, or self-consumed. Weird.
Dr Mandeville why don't you talk about the narcisstic parents dropping the adult child and cutting him out of the family This never gets talked about
:( We hear of the adult child going no contact but what if the narcisstic evil parent discards you and poisons everyone into isolating you before you do so.
Fantastic idea, Saamir - And this has indeed happened to clients of mine (as well as some FSA research respondents); it can be particularly likely if the parents are wealthy. Also, another video I want to do related to this: Sometimes the scapegoated adult child remains in contact despite the experience of abuse as they imagine they are getting an inheritance so they put up with it (but pay a price). Also, they may find that once the parent dies, the siblings may try to take the scapegoat adult child's piece of the inheritance via devious means, like saying "They are mentally ill - we need to manage their money." I've witnessed this first-hand, btw, via someone personally close to me. Ugly, ugly, ugly business.
My protest of the abuse made it easier for them to paint me as difficult to outsiders.
Yep. That's precisely what typically happens. This also happens when the 'scapegoat' begins to set healthy boundaries, as I describe in my video here: ruclips.net/video/gLptzBP_Arw/видео.html
I couldn’t agree more 💯
(And thank you)
Don't miss part 2! Honestly, I can't even remember what I said. I don't script these videos. Just turn on the camera and start talking... I watch it back later to see what I said.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I’ll check it out shortly. You talked a lot about splitting, a core self (even as infants), and how not only family systems but society can impact these things 🙃🙂 very relatable perspective
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse btw, I looked up your book and noticed there isn’t an audio version yet. If that’s ever a route you’d like to take, I’m a narrator and am familiar with that market. Given your sales ratings on Amazon… 👍👍
There’s a marketplace for narrators on acx (amazons audio book marketplace) where people will submit auditions to any new titles that are posted there.
Thanks so much. I was working with someone on this before my medical leave. I do hope to return to this project one day soon and appreciate your offer to assist (if my current narrator cannot do it now).
The first thought that comes to mind is the martial arts idea of learning how to fall or going with an attack to take pressure off of the impact.
Especially If trauma and abuse is patterned, one may develop a pattern of movement of moving in the direction of the blow to minimize the damage of the attack.
Just like in martial arts, as one practices these movements and patterns over and over again over years, one becomes good at it and it becomes 2nd nature.
Sounds like the principles of Aikido - That was part of my mandatory training to be a (transpersonal) therapist, by the way (at my grad school).
You mention at the end about staying in an unhealthy job and you also refer to it in your book. I ended up being a victim of a boss who seemed more narcissistic than my own family member and always needed to have someone as a scapegoat. When that person left immediately another become so. I wonder how many other scapegoats have suffered likewise in the work place?
I'd love to do a research study on this one day - and very well may!
Hi Rebecca! It is so bizarre how deeply you understand my experience. In my scapegoating I was also used in some gnarly parental alienation a la munchousens by proxy. Oof. Remind you of some of your other content? Anyway…I read that involves splitting as well on the child’s part? Hoping I understand correctly. Thank you again for all you do!
Hi Christy - I'll be talking about intrapsychic and systemic splitting in today's visit coming out at 11 am PT - Hope you can tune in!
Thanks Rebecca. I am wondering if you have any information about trauma and lying to gain acceptance in early development. The negation of early origins, the shame of stating parental abandonment over and over in various ways on different stages manifesting in almost a shrug. Like, I can say whatever I think you would like best because it would feel best, but it’s not the cause but does go along with false self, obviously. Just wondering, thanks again :)
Hi Laura, someone else here recently had a similar request and I do plan to do a video on this issue of lying/hiding behaviors in FSA targeted children. We can begin to engage in lying behavior early in life as a survival response. I also propose/hypothesize that this kind of lying (one is attempting to fit in to the family system they are dependent on and also protect their true self) could be viewed as a 'flight' response. Your thoughts?
I know a good video for you look up Heidi preb and CPTSD lies The video she does on that is excellent
@@johnhorton8477 Heidi also has a video featuring my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed. I'll check out the video, thanks.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I’m so glad other people are interested! In my situation i can identify a few things.
TRIGGER WARNING! (descriptions of terrible behavior)
My father was in Vietnam, came back married my mom, was a violent drunk, and he abandoned us in heavy debt having lied to my mother about ATTENDING MED SCHOOL among other things. He was playing basketball during the time he was supposedly in class. He vanished after a series of disappointments and terrible behavior. When I was 16 I found out he was homeless. It’s just so much easier to say “he’s dead” than the truth. i was told i was like him, going to turn out like him, [insert additional insults] because all I knew was that everyone thought my father was crazy and a huge disappointment. There is a genetic component to lying, and hormones play a part. I have PCOS (linked to abuse) and i think higher androgens and cortisol are linked to lying.
The constant malignant narc abuse was sometimes very deliberate, sometimes it was just rage and aggressive, but it was always there, and hard to explain. So I told people i needed help, and they thought it was from regular fights, but he would degrade me, hit me with a hard rod like a curtain rod, broom, or whatever else he picked or made me pick. There were places to stand and he would talk the whole time, nasty and mean. He also has strangled me several times. I didn’t talk about that. I would say he punched me or broke something of mine, which I would have preferred 100% and didn’t require an explanation or play by play of humiliating things beyond words. I used to fantasize about being deathly ill, in a hospital for long stretches of time. It seemed safe and good, better than living this way. I told people I was hurt or sick in a demonstrable way by deceiving them, it sucks. I just didn’t feel I was capable of being accepted as myself, whatever that meant/means.
They use my background of being untrustworthy and deceitful and just cut from the same cloth as my father to discredit the whole notion that the sky is blue, that they are both a narcissistic and a dysfunctional family system fueled in part by an extreme inter generational trauma. It’s funny that generations don’t depend on DNA in the same way other groupings do.
It’s Hard to defend myself though, which is frustrating but fair. It sure sucks to have set myself up to not be believed about something as devastating as this has been, but It doesn’t sound like it will matter from what I’ve gathered in articles, videos, books, and countless testimonies. Now my kids are involved, and they have golden chilled my son Big Time, my daughter somewhat. It Sucks. I did it to myself thinking the children needed a family and this could heal things for all of us. Now the narrative becomes something they love me in spite of. He agrees with their Aunts, my sisters, who are both golden. My daughter has been around for more of this, lives with me, and he lives at my parents rn. It’s a good situation for them, honestly. They get included and doted on. I just want my kids to understand, I don’t care about anybody else my mother or her monkeys have convinced I’m the problem.
@@johnhorton8477 that video is so helpful and encouraging, thank you 😊
I'm the 5th of 6. Was always the outsider...4th of 4 girls. My sisters all despised me. I was the only one to go to college and have a career. That only deepened the hate.
I did a video that addressed success and the family 'scapegoat' - one of my most popular videos to date - and one of my first ones so the editing is probably terrible: ruclips.net/video/J7oHsRjBHRE/видео.html
Here I am 73 years old and suddenly last week righteous rage has hit all because of another sexual abuse case being covered up in a church. The story of my own life years and years ago. Nothing makes sense anymore.
So sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, as I say in this video, 'split' systems - and highly narcissistic ones at that - are very common in the world we live in today.
Wow! Whoa! Yes indeed!! My God!! 😔
Wow! SMH!
Very sad to live a life like this.
To be used not loved!
Used - and abused. Sad, indeed, particularly because these forms of psycho-emotional abuse are rarely recognized.
Dear Rebecca, matrices is the plural of matrix. Pronounced mat ree seas. Thank you for your kind work here. Bess in UK. :)
Good to know!
Yep,they scapegoated me into hell before I understood that was the plan.
When coworkers you've known only a few months know you better than family members who've known you decades.
I ve been robbed of my true self for so long that i dont know how to access it !! That is my big issue with my dysfonctional family..
I think most feel this way - but it is there. I do discuss this in my book; I address both the 'false' self and reclaiming the 'true self'. My book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) is listed on my resource page for FSA adult survivors here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Up unitil 5 days ago I would do anything to protect my mother and I am in entire shock of why i could never heal from the sxual abuse I went through as a kid. She still finds ways to blame and gaslights me saying ARE YOU SURE? WHY EVEN ARE YOU SO UPSET? I am like...... is it me? Should I not be so dramatic abt 13 years of sxual abuse???
I have a video here you can search on regarding FSA and ‘traumatic invalidation’ - you may want to watch it, and read the article by Dr Erin Watson, my colleague, linked in the video description.
Relating to these comments.
Rebecca: This family scapegoating abuse (FSA) is so sad. As the family scapegoat, we lose who we genuinely are if we comply with the narcissistic family. Living the false self, to comply, can ruin our lives. On the other hand, we lose our entire family if we do not comply. Once I got clarity about FSA, my soul roared with trying to comprehend how an entire family can do this to one child. The good is that I can finally live present in my body, no contact, and no longer suffer hypervigilance from family members' continual attack. Is there research on the spiritual meaning behind the role of family scapegoat? I think the family scapegoat is the strong family member who came to break the evil, scapegoating pattern and give opportunity for others (hopefully our own children) to create healthy relationship patterns.
Hi Pamela, I address this a bit in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) in the chapter on the Empath - that the scapegoat tends to be the most psychologically minded and the most aware, etc. I also address this idea in my video on scapegoating and the family Empath. Did you happen to watch that one yet? This was born out in my FSA research as well. As I am a transpersonally-oriented therapist, I have many thoughts and intuitive hunches on the spiritual aspects of being in the family scapegoat role. I have been thinking of starting a membership community here on YT or elsewhere for people who want to hear me talk about this. Stay tuned!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Rebecca: Thank you for your reply. YES I am definitely interested in your intuitive hunches on the spiritual aspects of being family scapegoat. A membership community may help family scapegoats feel they can create a new family who understands them. I listened to your video on the empath again and am 2/3 the way through with rereading your book. It is healing for me to continue learning about FSA. I am definitely the one "most psychologically minded and most aware" in my birth family. I think of Carolyn Myss' work on sacred contracts which makes me think I chose to come in as an empath in a narcissistic family. This morning I was captivated for several moments when I recalled how I confronted my malignant narcissist father after he assaulted my mother by saying "now you did it"! (thinking he killed her). How dare I stand up to him in his murderous rage...but it came natural for me as the truthteller with a strong sense of justice (and I paid for it ever since). Thank you for reminding me that you are a transpersonally-oriented therapist!!
You're welcome, Pamela. If you could choose, would you want to stay here on RUclips if I initiate something like this or would you be willing to go outside of this platform?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I would be willing to go outside of this platform. I'm assuming doing so might make it more private? Our community is deeply wounded and need sacred space to heal (in my opinion).
Yes, more private, and also, the platform hopefully would not be subject to the various glitches or censoring that can happen on platforms like this.