1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I love where Dr Watson encourages, if I understood correctly, to fantasize about someone seeing you as the smart, decent, believable, trustworthy person you already are … without all the other bs. I do believe activating that validation changes neural pathways and can feel it happening.
@@roomg03 Yes, this technique is supported by research; neural pathways can develop around lies, so we need to create new ones that are developed around truth. This is also why I offer FSA Recovery Affirmation videos here on my channel. New one coming out next week!
I learned early on when I called my mother on her abusive, ‘jokes’ she’d give me nasty look, grind her teeth and ‘what now, you are stupid, I have no time for you!” One time I called her out on her lies and injustice treatment (golden child) she screamed I was trouble maker, I was a liar, jealous, stupid person, when I didn’t replied I turned to walk away she ran and smack me on my head, gripped my hair and smash me in my face.
Story of my life. I was never abused. My mom has never had any addictions. I was blamed for everything. Even in my mid 40s, I'm constantly told "I'm too sensitive," and to "toughen up" at the slightest display of emotion.
As my mother would slap me in my face and scream at me Toughen up, Girlie!! I was absolutely hysterical in the street as she beat me down, right there on Broadway in front of strangers..
the abuse probably ran deep. My mother was never overtly abusive becasue she didn't want to "look bad". But she had a very deep seated cruelty to her and the few times she complemented me they were always back handed.
I remember telling my GC sister all of the ways my parents abused me (she knew they did - because she repeatedly watched them do it). She was also on the receiving end of the abuse - as I had to repeatedly watch her get whipped with my dad’s belt. She used to drop to her knees with her hands clasped in prayer, begging him to stop beating her. Her response to me was a disdainful, “Mom and dad were GREAT parents!” Imagine gaslighting yourself to the point where you really believe all of the lies you tell yourself. I’m glad I was the scapegoat - because we’re usually strong enough and courageous enough to tell ourselves the truth. And we’re called the crazy ones? 🙄
Elizabeth, I could not agree with you more. Well stated - and a profoundly accurate view of why, in the end, being in the 'scapegoat' role may provide one with the greatest chance to be self-liberated from a dysfunctional or narcissistic family system.
I am sympathetic to this; when I was in college, I wrote an essay on my family, concluded that in the end, we are all there for each other, and will back one another up in times of trouble. That was complete nonsense! My sister, to her credit, called me out on it, but then destroyed her credit by basically telling me that I was at fault for my delusions. I was regurgitating what I had been programmed to believe, and project to the world. You may have been invalidated, which is unfortunate and tragic, but never underestimate the power of planting a seed. Maybe years from now, she will look back, should she ever come to her own healing journey, and be thankful for you breaking through her delusion. You will probably never hear her say it to you, but God willing, she will be.
This is exactly what my family did to me. It’s all still sinking in. The level of lies and manipulation are almost unbelievable and unbearable. Finding a therapist that doesn’t also invalidate my story has been very difficult. Thank you for these videos.❤ They have helped me understand and think about the situation in a much different light.
I was just going to write something similar. This video helped reveal another layer explaining why I acted the way I did. It hit home. I have to deal with another session on Monday with a counselor who knows zilch about what I’m going through and I’m dreading it. I so wish I could afford Rebecca.
I always kind of assumed I would not be able to find a therapist who could possibly understand all this. I did assume much of it was just my family. I couldn't imagine how long it would take me to explain my experience in a way that would inform any therapist enough to help me; given my situation in life I didn't have the energy. I had never heard scapegoating talked about in the way Rebecca does, and now many on Instagram and other social media are, until recently. I wonder if I just missed it or if it is fairly new to the scene?
@@MF-my3db I'm 62. This is all new to me since lockdown. (Trying to find grief counseling) I remember in the 90's about healing your inner child, John Bradshaw, but childhood PTSD and the scapegoating and golden children, that's been a revelation since I'd say the past three or four months. All RUclips and Facebook sourced. 👍 And yes, matching up with a counselor is hard work. Good luck to you. 🌹
My mother was violent, she hated me so much, in kindergarten, she caught me sliding across the kitchen floor, she told me to stop. I thought she'd left and slid again, she shoved my face into the refrigerator and broke my nose at 5 years old. My grandmother got to the Emergency Room, I heard her tell my mother "if you don't stop, you're going to kill her Sally." Within a year I was in the Emergency Room again she pushed me down the back steps, my chin needed 15 stitches. Before dad died, he said "yah we knew she was doing it" I mean really. I was close to 60 y.o. and dad 85 y.o. he said it like "pass the salt." It never ended, he was calling me a crook at the dinner table 2 years before he passed. I went no contact and it is the best thing I've ever done, not having to listen to him or any sister, cousin a/b how great he is and what a liar I am, even though hospital records and scars say I told the truth all along.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 1968. It was very hurtful later in life that all my grandmother could say is "if you don't stop Sally you're going to kill her" I was 5, she'd been hitting me since I could remember. My grandmother didn't stand for a 5-year-old, it still shocks me.
Everything i did for 28 year for them. I even put my career on the back burner so they could obtain their achievements only to to be discarded and told i was inadequate and mentally ill.
Sadly, this is not an uncommon occurrence, particularly if you are an Empath / caretaker type. But it is never too late to reclaim your life - And live it.
Seems in any group or organization where there is a bullying narcissist around, the cowardly, fearful in the group are more than willing to gang up on one person, no matter how unfair, to keep the heat off themselves.
This is exactly what is happening. It’s in government, hospitals, schools, the military, workplaces, families, non-profits and even “charity” organizations. It’s deeply embedded in the culture, and it’s wrong.
You speak my life. 68 years of toxic family. 2 years ago I finally walked away. The last 2 years has been the absolutely best of 70years. Walk away from cruel!
I adored my therapist that Id had for about a year, but then she invalidated my horrible difficulty with a severely abusive narc boss. Then, much worse , she invalidated my concerns about emotional abuse from my mom and sister, who ALSO invalidated my work distress, but additionally had continued to inflict personal attacks on me well into a breakdown. Worse than being alone, is having everyone you trusted making you feel unworthy, and realizing everything was a lie up to this point. What a disgusting world we live in, where such fake ppl work in mental health, and tout about supporting mental illness, but abuse and condemn their daughter and sister for being "hard to be around" in a crisis. I've been a personal dumpster for these pathetic, abusive women, who convinced me they were heroes, for 51 years. 😊
It can be very disappointing, indeed - and even shocking - when the veil of illusion drops and one sees reality exactly as it is. Acknowledging difficult truths about those we may have once trusted takes courage. I hope you are now finding people who can genuinely support you. I'm including a resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors - The Facebook group I mention might interest you, if you join, tell Rhonda I sent you. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
My family behaves the same way, and they are proud of themselves for doing so too. They think their behavior is heroic. No contact is truly the best option, even though it can feel lonely. I’m giving up on these hopeless people.
I’m not even joking when I say that I’ve been seeking mental health help for over a decade, AND EVERY SINGLE MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WAS LIKE THIS! I’ve given up because healthcare has just become another source of trauma and invalidation. They always knew my history but continued to invalidate me constantly. When I’d stick up for myself, they’d label me as aggressive every time. I actually think the mental health profession purposely hires abusers to further traumatized victims. I view every mental health provider the same way I do the man who killed my soul when I was just a kid. Vile, nasty humans with an intent to cause as much harm as possible.
I wish and hope someday all of us scapegoat survivors could get together with Rebecca and share lunch, hugs, tell our stories and celebrate that we are the STRONGEST, MOST RESILIENT PEOPLE ON EARTH! It is good therapy for me to read all the comments, that I am not alone...💖
I hope to put together a retreat one day for FSA adult survivors - it would be incredible for everyone to meet and not have to explain the unexplainable because everyone already 'gets' it.
The retreat would be wonderful, especially for those who are new at facing their truths. All my life I was alone in all the bizarre scenes because I realized that first of all, no one would believe me! - and second, people would think how awful that I would say anything bad about my own mother, because after all, who does that?? And third, people would routinely approach me and tell me “what an angel” my mother was, and I got to where I would respond to them that I knew she was to them. It was freeing to finally have therapy with a wonderful therapist who gave me homework of two books to read, and they were filled with these types of bizarre stories. It gave me validation that I was not alone and I was not crazy, and it was not me. There truly was something to this. The validation from a third party, even from a book, is so desperately necessary for healing to begin.
My family scapegoated me throughout childhood and my siblings continue to do it in adulthood. I’m angry and disgusted and also very depressed and feeling hopeless.
I suggest you watch the video I released this past Saturday on FSA and sibling estrangement. I also have a resource list on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com
Finding this channel has been super clarifying. I'm 10 months into NC apart from wider family deaths. I was done with the crap. It has been quietly liberating
PTSD through family violence and lifelong scapegoating almost killed me. Why cant victims get justice/compensation? Why is there no legal help available?
As I mention in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), we are woefully behind in that department here in the U.S. There is more awareness in the UK, largely due to a grassroots movement led by victims of narcissistic abuse.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes and i think that in the UK Coercive Control laws have been implemented which makes it easier to report the abuse. All abusers use Coercive Control. . Australia is also behind with bringing in this legislation.
Then again, if our country addressed these issues meaningfully, we would have to look at institutional abuses; our socio-political and justice systems and related abuses of power and privilege, etc, etc - and that would be ever so inconvenient to those 'in charge'.
@@florag8358Australia closed down the assylums about a decade ago and put everybody into the general population. We have an intentional disconnect between the police and the mental health fields so people who do crazy stalking things like NPD types don't get diagnosed, don't get help, and everyone else suffers. You can't even get police to issue AVO's until you've already been murdered by a dangerous ex. Our police force is a captured corporation and they have no time or budget for the lunacy we may report is being perpetrated against us. And it's intentional.
@@florag8358So far, California & Hawaii have laws for coercive control. Connecticut just added them. The UK has had them for more than the lAst several years.
It makes you feel like no one likes you unless your away from the family. When strangers treat you more like a person then your family it does feel like a stab in the back. Like why me! Why do they hate me? That’s what it feels like and it’s a horrible way to raise a child. It’s abuse. It’s just plain abuse.
Amazing! I cried in agony for a week before i finally saw a doctor with a swollen purple broken foot! They thought i was just being dramatic. No one can be hurt or have an injury or be sick but them.
I share things that happened to me in hopes it validates someone else's experience. When memories triggered at age 50 of sexual abuse from my father which started at age 3, I called my "narcissistic" mom to tell her. I was crying as I told her about it and to my shock, all she had to say in her cold, unemotional voice was, "Well, it was YOUR FAULT".....I WAS ONLY 3!!! This tells you your scapegoating, narcissistic parents will NEVER take responsibility for damaging you. It is a fantasy to think they will.
This happens far too often when FSA targets tell the truth - DARVO (Dr. Jennifer Freyd term): Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A terrible thing to do to anyone, but especially a vulnerable, innocent child.
much love. Yes I hear this all the time in my meetings (12 steps ACA) and it happened to me too. Behind my back untill 1,5 year ago it happened in front of me.
I am so sorry you went through this. How horrific. And then to have to endure what your mother said after you mustered the courage to tell her. It must have been reliving the original abuse all over again.
Mine was so bad that I was told over and over again that I was crazy and a hypochondriac, when in reality, I actually had a brain tumor that was making me so ill. And when I was a teenager once, I was cleaning windows, my mom made me, and one window fell and broke my wrist and my mother yelled at me that it was just a bruise and I was acting like poor Cinderella just to get out of helping with the housework. I went all day in screaming pain till my dad came home. He asked my mother what the hell was wrong with her and that she didn't take me to the ER. Then my dad took me and it was broken. I suffered excruciating pain all day until I got to the ER, and they gave me meds for the pain. This is just one example of the scapegoat abuse. It's still ongoing all these years later, a lifetime. So glad to have found these videos.
What's interesting is that I've met a few family scapegoats that are completely blindsided to this is what happened to them.. They are so deeply brainwashed as to this mistreatment being Normal which they then marry into.the same toxic abuse from a partner.
My form of invalidation was much more subtle and insidious so it made it extremely difficult to recognize it. Being ignored and gaslit. I got to the point of never saying anything when something bad happened because there was no reaction, no acknowledgement, as if I didn’t exist and what happened to me didn’t matter. That led to deep shame
"They" seemingly like to undermine your words first. The label "liar" seems to become attached to you at an inappropriate age developmentally. You may have been accused of being manipulative. Now even your actions and the way your body moves are suspect. Then once the teens hit they might start calling you "crazy" and undermine your own mind and realty. With a side of reactive abuse and a dash of gaslighting you have a very scary recipe and one heck of a cycle to break. Thanks, Rebecca
You're welcome, Christy. And good point about the age / developmental process - scapegoated children can get labelled at such young ages as being "liars," etc, and it can stick and burden them for a lifetime.
YES! I was accused from a very young age of being 'manipulative.' I think my earliest memories of this may be from as young as 8. I was perplexed thinking, someone just said something hurtful and mean. How is it manipulative to feel upset about that??
I have a severe painful disease called childhood onset ankylosing spondylitis.. I was always marginalized shamed invalidated socially isolated in my family anyway. But when the disease started I was systematically invalidated, I saw a chain reaction of every adult in my life treating me like an attention seeking liar for seeking help with my pain. Many many years later I found out my pain on the pain scale is about equivalent to drug free childbirth, chronically. I was being told it wasn't possible I was in pain and I was just trying to get out of things. It broke my brain. I'm 44 and today is the first time I have heard my experience validated. It destroyed me. My family was a narcissistic system. Something I didn't know till recently too. It ruined my brain and life.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse not yet but I have subscribed to your channel and looked up your book and will go through all your information. It helps so much to be validated, to have someone acknowledge your reality. It's like I can relax and breathe out. Thank you
Your experience is exactly what I’ve experienced too; although, I have not been diagnosed with AS. I have the genetic marker & symptoms. I’ve been diagnosed with RA & Fibromyalgia. My family did the same to me. Although I’ve done a good job parenting in spite of pain & fatigue, I have had to take naps daily. My extended family systematically suggested & convinced my - now adult - children I was exaggerating. I wasn’t. There was jealousy over the fact I was home instead of working. The fact that I lost an amazing job & had to let my real estate license go because of pain/fatigue was ignored. The loss was seen as a choice. As my role as a mother was sabotaged, I was losing my kids due to the undermining done. One of my family members (a nurse, no less) knew some of my neighbors & convinced them of the same. I had a nervous breakdown from it. After the hospitalization, my family could then point at me & say, “see, the problem in the family is her!” The nurses/psychiatrist invalidated what I said as paranoia. Told me “fibromyalgia isn’t real.” This medical record has continued to haunt me as doctors have read it & treat me as if my pain is psychosomatic as a result. The psychiatrist noted in the record, “patient BELIEVES she has fibromyalgia.” The hospitalization was 2014. I was dx w/fibro in 2001 after living with pain since 1996. Thank you for sharing. Sending a virtual hug your way. ❤️🩹
Omg. The effects of chronic invalidation have caused me so much doubt within myself. It has led to unhealthy relationships, and constant turmoil. I had no idea what I felt or why, or if I even had the right to my own feelings. SO CONFUSING. Thanks for talking about this subject ❤
I just got invited and accepted into an Honor Society at my college. It feels unreal. Like “Where’s the camera?” Kind of thing. I was never good at keeping my grades up in public school because no one would help me with my ADHD and my home life was very poor and killed my motivation. The devil on my shoulder said, “You don’t deserve it” but it’s also in a way enlightening that I can reach these levels of greatness after growing up with people genuinely thinking I’m stupid.
Congratulations, Alexia - that is wonderful news! I remember years ago going to see the great Family Systems theorist and practitioner Salvador Minuchin. He was revered around the world and in his 80s then. He started the talk by telling the large audience he still felt like an impostor and that he was just fooling everyone. So, you are in good company. And as I stated in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, Impostor Syndrome is a hallmark feature of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
oh wow.. i didn't do good at school.. but, I wennt to a business college..and got HONOR MARKS..for working so hard!! (my mom could not tell me she was proud of me..but, did so to a sister!).. then i went to the local college...and MADEE THE DEANS honor roll!!! A girl told me i was on the list.. i went and checked.. and it was WAY TO SURREAL...ME!!!??? there is my name.. how the hell did i get there.. regardless of my hard work and studying!! i know the 'you don't deserve it'... i hear you.. BUT, WE DO DESERVE IT.
I went to a therapist for a short while who didn't 'get it' . She actually said to me 'what did you do to make her act like that ?' after I had told her of one of my covert narc mother's screaming rages at me when I was 5. - my earliest memory of her . What had I done ? I had asked her to drive me to school on my first day . Always invalidated and called a liar by my incessantly lying mother , I grew to expect it my entire life .
I'm sorry you had such an experience with your therapist. Hopefully, more and more therapists are waking up to the fact of parental 'invisible' (psycho-emotional) abuse and scapegoating.
I also went to a therapist after I moved far away from my FOO and went NC. During my first session with him, he said, “Do you realize you’ve used the word “narcissist” about 9 times in the past 15 minutes?” He then ordered me to stop using that word. I was shocked and telephoned the person in charge the following day. He apologized to me and found me an excellent therapist who had knowledge of NPD. He then ordered the clueless therapist to take a class on family estrangement. The new therapist told me I had PTSD and gave me the tools I needed to move forward with my life. She was so wonderful.
It’s really difficult to find a good therapist. I screened a few before I decided on one. My issues were with my mother so I knew I needed a nurturing mother-type figure, a therapist who was a female around that age. I found someone who fit what I was looking for who was effective.
I’m sure everyone wishes they could have Rebecca for their therapist. I didn’t know anyone like her (specializing in this) existed. It would be great if there was a source of therapists specializing in family scapegoating were listed on a website per location.
The invalidation guts you. It rips your guts out. Or so it feels. You’re still there though. The core of who you are doesn’t disappear. It hides in little corners of yourself that you may not be aware of but you can locate every piece and put it all back together in your own fashion. It’s a worthy endeavor and it will pay off. You exist and have always existed. You can honor the truth.
Well said, and I agree 100%. This is what I mean by reclaiming / reconnecting with the true self - which includes reclaiming 'exiled parts' (in Internal Family Systems language) and for many, addressing Structural Dissociation and Complex Trauma - also, what I now call 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST).
Combine chronic invalidation with dishonored or complete lack of healthy boundaries and you get learned helplessness. It's really a horrible way to live. This reminded me of a time I was bitten on the back by a little neighborhood girl. She actually bit through my shirt and caused significant bleeding. When I went back home to show my Mom (I needed immediate care) she sent me to the neighbor's house to tell the girl's parents. I was only five or six years old!! Can you imagine? I did as I was told and when the Father heard/saw what happened he backhanded the little four-year-old girl across the room. (No wonder she was angry!) Then, the Mother took me to the bathroom and tended to the wound. Can you imagine how terrifying that was for both of us?
Good point, Kimberly, I will address learned helplessness as related to FSA. What a terrible experience for you to endure - as well as that little four-year-old girl. No wonder, indeed!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse It really breaks my heart for myself re-reading it this morning. I toughed it out through so many of these experiences of irresponsibility, neglect, and the witnessing of violence/domestic abuse. I endured frequent verbal and emotional abuse and chronic invalidation with intermittent care/concern (mostly tinged with the uhealed fear, hostility, anger and contempt from my Mom and Dad.) Rarely was there a show of true tenderness or level-headed guidance.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse How refreshing to have this named/labeled (rather than invalidated.) That chokes me up, too. My inner critic was saying "That's enough of that whining!" Or, "You're taking up too much of this woman's time!" etc...(Sounds EXACTLY like my Mom) I have revisited this story many times, but this was definitely the first time these particular feelings arose. Before, I think it was more like indignation and/or anger. Thanks Rebecca 🌷
@@kimberlymccracken747 Often behind the understandable anger / rage there is profound grief. And grief is an important passage in regard to deep healing from FSA.
In my situation, I have learned that the dysfunctional family people have successfully brainwashed the rest of my family, by distorting, over emphasizing and amplifying my mistakes. In order for all of them to justify their feelings they constantly remind themselves and the rest of the family or friends why they think I am worthless, lower than dirt, mentally ill, dangerous, gaslight, scapegoat and hate me so much that the "fish stories keep getting bigger and bigger to the point they are so indoctrinated, angry and convinced, it is nie unto impossible to have a rational conversation attempting to reconcile.
When I was in my mid thirties, my brother in law started behaving very badly towards me, to the point of sitting with his back towards me or even ordering me out of their family car. When my mother passed away (she lived with them) and due to related circumstances I left my husband, I moved in with them. My brother in law and I became good friends and spent countless hours talking. He then apologised to me for his past behaviour; he explained that there was a lot of bitching about me between my mother and sister behind my back.
I always appreciate hearing such stories - that the FSA target receives an apology from a family member - and also, I imagine you felt validated knowing you were not imagining the smear campaign going on behind your back.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you Rebecca; indeed, it gave me strength to hear from an observer (brother in law) rather than a blood relative that I wasn't a monster and not crazy. Unfortunately, my soft heart makes me let the immediate family use me as a slave and a doormat, since they keep dying on me and each time one of them does, I justify for that as I couldn't find my peace if I refused to help. I only refuse when I can't justify a ridiculous selfish request which would only result in them making fun of me as an easy target. As it happened more than once in the past.
I've experienced this too. I've had friends of family look askance at me or glare at me and even tell me off because of something they heard about me from family members that was not true. It's awful to be smeared. I'm glad you finally got some validation from your brother-in-law.
Oh, I had that. My mum told a lot of lies about me. She enjoyed getting the rest of the family to hate me and they did😂. I saw a specialist scapegoat therapist online (she was based in Canada and I was in the UK). Plus I’ve been no contact now for 20 yrs.
It's a hell to live through and takes a lifetime to heal or two. The ancestral patterning that must be targeted and healed is an exborbant amount of work to sort through. Blessings to all on the path of healing on this issue that they break free from the lies and soul killers. Get help and reunite with your soul. ❤❤❤
My gc sister who lives abroad rang me to tell me narc mum 96 is in hospital and demanded I go and see her. I have been 10 years no contact. I refused...but offered air fare and expenses. My sister tried to manipulate..." you'd do it for your kids" yeah, my kids have given me grey hairs not ptsd. Then" you really need to get over it" she's your mother, for goodness sake" then " well, I'll have to come over, but I'm worried about my work " My sister is addicted to trying to save and sort out mother and only feels valued if helping others, specifically earning mother's approval, at the expense of her family and health. Mother attacked and hospitalised me 30 years ago ....I still allowed her in my life. I went no contact after she discussed this and instead of owning what she did, she startes ranting about the fact she got arrested for it. I aired our dirty family linen. My sister thinks this is water under the bridge. She is damaged. GCs bear heavy burdens of their own
'you were not imagining these things'. Every day I live with a voice in my mind telling me I'm making these things up and there is something wrong with me. Everyday I'm torn...it's like cognitive dissonance permanently.
It need not be permanent. New, healthier neural pathways can be made. You might also read the linked article by my colleague Dr. Watson - it is in the video description and pinned comment.
I still question, "Is this a real memory, or did I just imagine it?" But then I remember something else, such as "That's why I was always afraid of loving someone too much, lest they die," or "I believed that bad things would happen to others by my innocent attempts at being kind to them," Which makes the abusive episodes much more real.
I was put in foster care because my sister was attacking me in front of my mom, but my mom blamed me, and it was SO traumatic!! She convinced my step dad that it was my fault. I am 61 and I just wrote my step dad and told him the truth. I have nothing to lose.
Thank-you for this information. I have definitely experienced traumatic invalidation. It happens to this day as none of my accomplishments in life are validated or ever talked about or congratulated by my narcissistic mother. I always felt guilt for achieving anything great in life so now I don't talk about any of my achievements at all with her. She simply doesn't care!
One of the most invalidating moments for me as a teen was trying to talk to my narcissistic father and he’d say “Have you taken your medicine today?” I was taken to therapy since age 6 and on psychiatric medication in my teens. I always felt unloved and unseen. I confronted my father as an adult and he pointed his finger at me and raged “It’s all your fault!” I had just told him that all my life I just wanted him to be my father. To this day my father says “You need us!” I went no contact with both narcissistic parents and golden child brother. My adult child has become loyal to the system and just told me we cannot have a relationship unless I come back in the system. My health has improved since no contact. I feel worse after contact with my adult child. I struggle with indecision or regret decisions I made and self sabotage. I’ve learned to self regulate. The trauma and triggers still are in the body. Does that ever leave? I expect lifelong grief, but what about the toll trauma takes on your body? Is complete healing possible or do you just feel the pangs/triggers less intensely?
Thank you for sharing your FSA experiences. I discuss healing specifically in my most recent video. It may answer your question - but how much healing each person will experience will vary. In my experience, complex trauma must be treated for the nervous system to fully heal. Video here: ruclips.net/video/qwENzJQo92I/видео.html
Im 30 and have epilepsy since is was 12. When i was 14 I had a partial aware seizure(you are awake during these type of seizures) in the airport. So when i started acting weird and telling my parents i thought i was having one of my seizures my mom began yo get mad at me and tell my dad to not t worry because i "was faking it"..once my seizure is over i start getting a migraine and get nauseous. I start gagging and my mom yells at me to stop. I reply that im i think im gonna throw up. She gets up and yanks me to go to the restrooms(the whole while, yelling at me saying how im so annoying) but i end up throwing up of the floor at the terminal cause i couldnt hold it. That set her off into a rant about how much of a pain in the ass i was. It was insane to think my own mother had so little regard for me and my medical condition ..i sometimes cant believe that happened.
Sadly, it happens all too often to the scapegoated child / adult child, per my research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). I mention this phenomenon in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' and also did a video on it here regarding "You're faking it!" I've also experienced this personally and it nearly cost me my life two times as a child and young adult so I know how devastating this can be: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
When I was 9years old I had horrible stomach pain,fever and diarrhea for a week my mom told me I was faking it but she finally took me to the emergency room and they took me into emergency surgery because my appendix had ruptured. The doctors told my mom if she would have waited another day I would have died. I’m also the family scapegoat
So sorry this happened to you. You'll want to watch my video here on this very dynamic (being accused of 'faking it'). This came up in my original FSA research surprisingly often and is in fact a form of medical neglect: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
This came up often in my original FSA research, and it has happened to others here, and also to me. I made a video specifically about this issue here: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
I'm 31 and have never remotely adjusted to the system, but have tried to still heavily immerse myself in it lately to be with specific family members. The cognitive dissonance is so great that I am literally on the edge of a psychotic depression. Never ignore your gut.
Sounds like you have a great deal of clarity regarding your true situation. Linking you to my FSA survivor list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Great points. Another type of invalidation is by "pin prick" using nitpicking behaviour. These are seemingly minor things said in conversation which can add up to 1000's over the years. You feel on egg shells during conversations. Trick questions and double binds. They ask you a seemingly innocent question such as 'where would you like to go for lunch'. It won't matter which restaurant you choose, they will always pick another one, even if you try to get ahead of their game and pick their favourite restaurant. There must be countless examples of 'invalidation by pin prick' lol.
Wow this is exactly what I'm experiencing. It's happening with every single relationship in my life, I can't break free no matter how I try to stand up and say no. When I say I'm not comfortable with something being said, it doesn't matter and I'm gaslit to feeling I'm too sensitive. I can't get away, totally trapped in a relationship that's destroying me but I have lost all my confidence to escape.
I am very open about sharing your videos on facebook, as I know how terribly important it is to get such a clear message out there. My scapegoating has been lifelong and even continued in the community who was aware of my toxic family -- from people in paid public positions, to publicly funded institutions that are meant to serve the community, all with very narcisistic traits themselves. I eventually went to the police, as much of the earlier stuff was criminal in nature and I could never escape the effects as well as I am noew, since making that very validating decision.
I appreciate your sharing my videos, Kim. Are you already familiar with Dr. Jennifer Freyd (creator of the term/acronym DARVO) and her Center for Institutional Courage? Here's a link, if you want to check it out: www.institutionalcourage.org/
I relate 100%! It's the community that really hurts, they knew better but their bottom line was at stake. (In my case I say they knew better because multiple generations of my family have committed criminal acts are well known for it, so it kinda looks like people sacrificed the kid to stay safe themselves.) Maybe that's your experience, too?
Interesting, I have been tempted but my brother would take it as proof that I've taken it upon myself to have munchausen by proxy convincing myself i'm the scapegoat. EVEN THOUGH NOBODY IN MY FAMILY IS TALKING TO ME (and some of the aunts and cousins have been drafted in as footsoldiers and are also giving me the silent treatmen!)
So very helpful. After 68 years of living with scapegoating abuse, it nice to know I am not crazy, as my GC sister likes to tell me. Thank you so much!
Good to hear. “Crazy” is certainly a word that these types of dysfunctional families love to throw at the scapegoated child / adult child. I did an entire video on this, in fact.
I hear you. My twin is the golden child and completely invalidates me any time I mention the abuse. I stopped doing so. Stopped bringing it up. It's not worth it but it's so isolating when nobody has your back.
I listened to this article again. And what happens mostly when a child is scapegoated and is called and seen by these groups as a lying child they stop telling their parent or their family system anything. They keep everything to themselves. They clam up and shut down. From outside bullying at school, from sexual abuse from wolves that pick up on this, from asking them any advice or questions about the world about life skills, to even stopping talking to them at all. This, of course, leads to feeling unsafe, isolated, apathetic, feeling ignorant, depressed, and shamed about themselves and a target. This happened to me at 12. But it started from a very young age. Children are curious. You can't stick them in an invisible straight jacket and expect positive results.. If the family system sees a child as bad because they are bored, then how could they ever learn how to survive and thrive? Its like a mystery you can never ever solve. And is where you stay stuck in the repetitive conditioning in which you have to prove something. For something You never did wrong. I, as many others went to the other side. I made it a self fulfilling prophecy. I proved them right and gave up on being good. Because no matter what i did, they already had defined who I was. Lord if they only knew just how much karma that treatment of me brought back to them. We must be careful how we treat our children. How we project our pain. There were many reasons for this secretive shoving aside of me. It showed up many years later on. It had to do with property and assets and power for my cousins. It was decided a very long time ago that some old adopted child was not as entitled as the blood. If my adopted father had lived, my mothers side never would have even mattered. Scapegoating has to do with greed. You can't understand it till you get older. The confusion is understood now. My uncle just passed. But I'm sure my Daddy was waiting. He was a good man and passed in 68. A heart attack from, Im sure, from the stress of that family.
So many powerfully made points in your comment here, Kay. And 'greed' can be for many things, including attention of a parent. Your sentence here: "You can't stick them in an invisible straight jacket and expect positive results." - Brilliant way to describe what I call the 'Gordian Knot' of the 'scapegoat narrative' (aka 'the double bind'). We will never unravel this knot - it is not possible. But we can pick up the sword of Truth, and slice through the (family) 'ties that bind'. I'd like to dedicate a video to the dynamics you describe so well here in your comment (we begin to hide many things from family / parents as we know we will not be believed). May I read your comment here in this video I'd like to do (I will not use your name)?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Certainly. Anything you ever want to repeat, please do. Anything to help another person, of any age. I started this work on myself due to some anxiety I was seeing in myself 2 years ago. I wanted to know where it all came from. My goal is to show the results of growing up with this sneaky behavior of an adopted family and to retell what really was going with that family and the Real reason for the scapegoating. As in my favorite movie"Seize the Day", I aim to duplicate the damaging effects on a child, but from a woman's perspective. And I know how the ending would be. The biggest mistake that they'd made was that they had convinced themselves that I would never figure out why they acted that way in the first place. That I wasn't paying close attention. That I wasn't as smart as they'd hoped I wasn't. I appreciate your attention to my story. It means so much and is so helpful to me. I am the poster child of the scapegoated daughter of a very convincing character and Family. But you see, only recently would I ever refer to her as "a character". She's been gone for 8 years and I am in charge of her mentally challenged son's life. My goal is to understand just how important mental health is in a child's life. And to contribute to the world in a sincere, authentic, fulfilling way. Have a voice that matters that also helps my brother. Four generations I'm looking at here. And I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I've gotten to the root of alot of it. And you're right. You need a sword, not just a kitchen knife. One day I want to tell you about it. Maybe you could put it in your next book
Thank you for allowing me to share your comment. And what an amazing place to be: "Not afraid of anything anymore". One of the strange benefits of doing this work. I remember when being 'liked' - even by strangers - felt like a life or death matter to me when younger. Now I could care less. When we are living our truth, we understand what is truly ESSENTIAL...and what is not. And never was.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. It all comes down to fear in one way or another. We want to stay clear of that playground. Old habits die hard too, don't they. We're just trying to break them. 😁
I love the terminology that puts the onus on the abusers rather than on the abused. Traumatic Invalidation is exactly what the abusers did, and the term Identified Patient also makes so much sense. It's the difference between saying someone WAS SCAPEGOATED rather than saying they ARE a scapegoat.
Yes, the words we use to describe specific dynamics / processes are so very important. This is why I do my best to avoid using the 'scapegoat' label and instead use (from my original family systems research that was the basis for my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') 'family scapegoating abuse' (or 'FSA') adult survivor.
I’m the youngest. My brother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and I was witness to his frightening psychotic episodes from a very early age (seeing demons everywhere, thinking he was Jesus and tearfully, sincerely begging God not to crucify him). My narcissistic sister’s favourite gaslight to me is that I’m crazy and have no grasp on reality (usually when she wants to rewrite history where she was being cruel)… which I think is even more vicious considering our brother’s condition. She even went so far as to say, “Even your schizophrenic brother thinks you’re crazy.” I went no-contact with her many years ago.
Yes, my mom was a narcissist. I was the oldest she made me feel inadequate all my life. She called me all kinds of names, even my sister got involved. She gave me nothing when she died and gave everything to my younger sister.
Wow … this video had so many memories flood back to me through my life of my family of origin, both parents and siblings. Yes, and one involved a broken bone! I broke my finger at school and called my mother from the nurse’s office and she told me to go on to my classes and she would take a look at it when I got home. My teachers thankfully were sympathetic to my situation and none required me to do any work (writing) for the rest of the day. I was pleasantly surprised at how kind and understanding they were to me. Another time, my mother took me to the optometrist after my teachers from school and piano teacher kept telling her I couldn’t see. I didn’t know these conversations happened. I overheard her telling a friend about this years later. She actually told her friend that she knew I was doing all this for attention and was prepared as soon as the doctor told her that my vision was fine, to take me home and spank me for putting her through all of that. But the doctor instead told her that my eyesight was incredibly nearsighted and had someone had my same eyesight with corrective lenses, then that would be considered legally blind. I was 8 years old. I do remember the day we went to pick up my glasses and I was so excited. We came home, I hopped on my bicycle, rode out of the driveway, and looking down the street I could actually see individual leaves on the trees that far away. It was as if I had entered a different dimensional world of vibrancy in every way. I was elated and when kids at school (usually boys) taunted me about my glasses and how I looked in them, I didn’t care because the gift of sight was far beyond anything they could say against them! I am 60 now and will always remember that ecstatic childhood memory. At 9 I broke my tibia in a car accident (yes just remembered another broken bone!), and my mother was trying to get us out of the car (4 children) because she was afraid the engine might go into flames. She came around to my door and told me to get out and I told her I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t. She got very upset with me and asked couldn’t I see my younger brother was the one who was hurt? And he really was because his scalp was split when he flew into the windshield on impact. Blood was halfway down his shirt, and he was a toddler. By time she got around to my door (everyone was out but me) a small crowd had gathered, and she told me if I didn’t get out immediately then she would have to spank me in front of all those people. Thankfully a man emerged through the midst of the crowd, came up to me and scooped me out of the car. I felt he was an angel God had sent to rescue me at just the right moment. I had other divine interventions with perfect timing that rescued me from similar situations. There have been times especially through my childhood when God made his presence known to me and was all I had, but it let me know that I did have someone. I have always been thankful for unexpected miracles of intervention in their perfect timing.
Dear susan, your comments made me very upset and teary, as I can relate to what you've been through. A big, warm hug, and I too am so glad and "thankful for all the unexpected miracles of intervention in their perfect timing."
Susan, I am so sorry to hear you went through such horrific experiences. Did you already watch my video, 'You're Faking It!'? This dynamic is a hallmark feature of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), per my FSA research.
Oh my gosh your story hits home! It's bewildering to me how some people can be so freaking cruel! I am so sorry for your pain and the maltreatment you were subjected to. Your mom was terrible! Hugs to the child within who suffered alone. 🫂🤗🥺💙
You are so welcome. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list in case you are seeking more support and education: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
So true, we were not allowed to be sick. I had rumetiod fever once and it affected my heart. No one believed me. Everyone laughed at me and said I was pretending. Today I get IBS everytime someone does not believe me.
I was brought up by JW parents. Their policy is to invalidate any child who says they have been abused. If you don't have a witness then it did not happen. My parents mind set is exactly like the religion they support. They have no accountability, no conscience and will never ever say sorry about anything. My mother was always annoyed when we were ill or injured and was just left in bedroom for days feeling we had done something wrong. I am now 55 and it is only through comparing how I treat my own kids that it becomes shocking how disgusting my mom was to us. If I have ever upset or embarrassed my kids however small I always say sorry. My apologies are always a realization that I wasn't brought up properly. Thank God I have broken the cycle and deprogrammed the narcissistic behavior that I was taught. Thanks for helping. I have wonderful relationships with my children we all love each other very much and they understand what I went through.
Good to hear, Lisa. Sounds like you might relate to my videos, "You're Faking It!" as well as the recent one I released on the Narcissistic Martyr Parent Ploy.
I was brought up by Atheists who treated me exactly the same way. I am a JW and never treated my son the way I was treated- being the oldest of 6,the family scapegoat-physically,emotionally,psychologically & sexually abused by multiple family members. It is nothing to do with their religion or belief systems,it is a personality disorder and a lack of empathy & humanity. There are parents like this who are Catholic,Buddhists, Taoists, Communists,Evolutionists. It is a human affliction that sadly hurts the very people they are supposed to love. A lack of love and care for your offspring has to be the most unnatural form of parenting there is. Shame on any parent that scapegoats a child , it's a form of sadistic cruelty & torture.
I’m dealing with a new coworker in a new job where we have to work on a project together and he is so condescending and I have asked for help and worked on this directly to communicate with him and on Friday I ended up in bed full body pain with a big trauma response. Not being seen being mocked being talked over mansplaining. I am two years younger than him (58)and as he was part of hiring me he knows what’s on my résumé. I am more prepared and trained than he is. I have worked for months to try to strategize around this and we have the same supervisor. She took the seriously but now I find out she has not followed through on addressing it. Hence being in bed racked in pain. I’m done trying. And I ironically this is a mental health Peer Support training organization! The hypocrisy in these nonprofit is criminal
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trauma is held in the body, as you may already know. Work situations can activate trauma symptoms which originated in childhood. You may want to watch this video: ruclips.net/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I do know that and I’ve worked with a somatic experiencing practitioner and done relational focusing. Boy when I read what I wrote I remember how acute that was. I did use what I was experiencing, and then another big response a couple days later as a jumping off point with my EMDR therapist and had two sessions with him that week.Some thing coalesced at that second session that was a really important turning point for me. It seems to have stuck in someway like I worked on some core muscle. I’m so grateful for having such a skilled therapist. I’m loving being apart of that FB group BTW. Thx!! Plus the follow up. I’m getting more support from my supervisor and pushing through my work relationship with the knowing that “I matter“. Paying attention to what is triggering me and trying to mitigate my response because I am experiencing my coworkers absorbing feedback and my ideas. Even though its irritating to have to experience his own bluster, I have been able to work out some strategies and experience that if I voice he hears. It helps that he is not in a position to cause harm because there is a small staff, stakes are high on a project we’re doing so there’s not a lot of room for nonsense. He knows it. That helps me. It’s a good opportunity for me to push through really experience what it means to know I matter.
Yup, I’ve experienced traumatic invalidation. I’ve been told that I’m not included in on any family gatherings because they’ve chosen to drink alcoholic beverages when together & cursing daily. They know that I don’t care for it & It would make me feel very uncomfortable being with them. Hmm. Yes; I’m marginalized. My siblings have told me that they don’t believe I suffer from the problems I’m experiencing as really that bad. I’ve experienced being told I’m blowing things up out of proportion! Yup, I’ve experienced this since my youth, now I’m in my early 60s. I’m very very sensitive & have been told I’m just too sensitive for my own good. Ugh 😣!
I always think my issues are never a big deal and that I'm just making it all up. But every time I take the ACE score it's about 7/10, meaning less than 10% of kids went through that. Kind of surprises me, as I've come to see all family dynamics and all relationships as terrible, disfunctional and pointless.
Not sure if you saw this 16 FSA signs video yet, but here it is, just in case. I go over these in my introductory book on FSA as well (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed): ruclips.net/video/OawUe8R5Ej4/видео.html
This happened to me with experiencing incest from my two Brothers and a male cousin while growing up. We also had a pedophile uncle that sexually molested at least 8 of us but nobody told the parents other than myself being the truth teller. I was met with complete denial of this ever taking place and that I was the trouble causer
So very sorry this happened to you. I mentioned in some videos here and in my book that at times a child is scapegoated as a means of being discredited by being labeled/called "crazy" and a "liar" so that if they ever tell anyone about the abuse they will not be believed and not viewed as a credible, reliable reporter. Happens more often than society would like to believe. In fact, this also happened to me.
Thank you for insights. My mother called me a liar since before I was 4. Was repeatedly told I'm too sensitive, I feel too deeply, want too much, etc. Felt unliked and unloved. Used to think "if people knew/saw the real me, they would not like me." Your book is enormously helpful, have taken that slow. What you share goes straight to the heart. There is not much out there on traumatic invalidation. Thank you for article posted. I still have issues asking for what I need or want. I have realized that defending or explaining is digging a hole. I focus on facts, not my feelings, however worry still that I may have shared too much. To everyone who has experienced this abuse, you are not alone! We are all connected. ❤
Good to hear from you and glad you feel helped by my book. Taking it slow is a good idea - it is brief, but dense. Many people have told me they have read it multiple times and still get new insights every time. Linking you to my resource page for FSA survivors in case you need more support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Describes my childhood and teenage years. My mother and grandmother were totally dismissive of my feelings, even refused to listen to me when I tried to tell my mother about older boys showing my very , very graphic pornography and even wanting to see my private parts, I was about 8 years old, they were about 12-14. Yet she wondered why I was inappropriately interested in sex, at such a young, and would act out what I saw with Barbie and Ken dolls and farm animal playsets. My mother always allowed sibling abuse and bullying to go on for years, and other adult family members ( an aunt) to verbally and even physically hurt me. I was definitely the Scapegoat and Black sheep, of a very toxic and dysfunctional family.
Glad you are now able to recognize this. I have no way of knowing, but narcissistic family dynamics may also have been at play, based on your description of the types of abuse you experienced. I do have a playlist on the home page of my channel here on narcissistic family scapegoating, in case you'd like to learn more.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse , thank you, and so glad I came across your channel. I definitely believe there was some degree of Narcissism in that family, especially with my mother, grandmother and the Golden Child sister, who's younger than me My mother and grandmother, had some sadistic and even what looked like sociopathic traits, they actually enjoyed watching me get hurt ( physically, emotional, and verbally abused) and would smirk and laugh. One of my aunt's had some of these traits, even though not related by blood. All of them are deceased. But my sister is EXACTLY like them, perhaps even worse, as she's a major liar and has gotten me in trouble with the family and her lies gotten me and my husband ( we are now divorced, again due to her lies and interference in our family) into serious trouble with Child Protective Services, with our youngest son, because he had medical and developmental issues. I have been watching your videos, and they have been very helpful, although at times triggering of old memories of the abuse and toxicity I faced. Unbelievable how vile, disgusting and sadistic that so called "family" can be
Yes, sadly this can be true. And the only type of abuse where the abuse is diminished by society and we are told to stay connected to our abusers because "they're family". You may want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, to learn more about this form of abuse, which via my Family Systems research I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
Thank you so much for sharing these videos! Two different times during my childhood, I was sexually abused by extended family members (ganged up on by cousins) and on a different occasion by one of my father's friends. When I told my parents about the abuse, I was not believed and continued for my entire childhood to be exposed to those predators. I remember so vividly my dad saying "I don't believe that! Can we just talk about something else??" Additionally, my 4th grade teacher called me a liar when she asked why my face had a big gash, and I told her my mom threw broken glass at me. You know, sometimes when I recall these things I just cry for that little girl that was me. :-( It's child abuse awareness month, but I think the world is full of people who really don't want to know. Don't bother them with this stuff that's such a downer. They will just wear a blue t-shirt in support of 'child abuse awareness'.
Sadly, your experience is typical of many FSA adult survivors, as evidenced by my client cases and my research on FSA (family scapegoating abuse). Glad you're here and thank you for sharing such a painful part of your story as a scapegoated child / adult child.
I'm so sorry you went through that. The couple of times I was attacked sexually, they shrugged it off, my sister even saying that I was "off making out with some guy" (a 23 year old to my 13 year old self - as if that was normal!), then, when I was in a real relationship with a really decent guy, they treated him like some lecherous monster, and forced us apart. Because it was "okay" for me to be actually molested / r**ed, cheated on, abused, mistreated, and treated like garbage, but not okay for me to be in a loving relationship with someone good and kind. THAT is a real indicator of how they really felt about me.
I hear you and I believe you. Similar experiences. Too emotionally exhausted right now to write more but just wanted to say that you are not alone and I appreciate the courage it takes to write this out and share it
Hi Rebecca, I have to smile at the timing of the videos you graciously share with us. Just this morning in intercession prayer I ask the good Lord to show those of us who experience FSA and trauma how to "believe ourselves". Our gut feelings, intuition, perceptions, and WHAT WE KNOW TO BE TRUTH. As time goes on again and again I see to know that how I read a situation was accurate. Spot on. Hit the nail right on the head! I read Dr Erin Watson article. Thank you for sharing that. I would like to know more about visualizing truth...a safer way of advocating for yourself. Because in the last couple of weeks with 3 different-totally unrelated-people when I spoke TRUTH boy did I witness ugly reactions. In all 3 I looked at the situations and decided they each just told me who THEY are. I decided to believe what they "told me" about themselves. There was a day I kept my mouth shut. Guess those days are over. Thanks Rebecca! Your work is helping me so much. I have been around alot of people that do not validate what I have experienced in life in FSA and trauma from it all. They don't have to understand. They can watch my backside as I walk away from denial and pretense on the new neural pathway in truth. Have a great day, Jane.
Thank you for such an inspirational sharing, Jane - I am so pleased that my work on FSA and these videos continues to be helpful, and I'll let Dr. Watson know you found her article helpful as well.
Wow, Jane, I celebrate you and your personal empowerment. I love the transformation you describe. I recognize you, being changed 'from glory to glory' and rejoice. We can be accompanied on our journey! You may be interested in a book by June Hunt called: Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes. It can be an antidote to the invalidation wound.
When I tried to speak to my sister about this,scenario! Described bellow, she started hystericaly screaming at me and from that day forth turned her children against me! What,I was trying to get clarity and support from her(as a sister) Was my father and his entire familys rejection of me. (Stepmom,3 half siblings) My father and his family started to rejecting me after I moved to the same town. When I asked him why,he replied that he felt the relationship was becoming incestuous???!!!! I never understood his statement. A therapist told me,this meant he was attracted too me.???? I never really understood this. Me mentioning this trauma of mine, made her hysterical. From being my father's and half siblings favourite. To total rejection. Where I was not welcome in the house. (For no reason). This continued forever starting in 1986 I was punished for mentioning what she did not want to hear!!!! But I had to endure the experience.......
My sister invalidated my niece. I witnessed my niece having a full blown panic attack. I tried to tell my sister the next day she said my niece was putting it on and acting
I do see this dynamic with clients and in my research on FSA - the 'golden child' is also actually being damaged by family dynamics, and the 'golden child' can become the 'scapegoat child', as your story affirms.
But why???? I was always the scapegoat in my mother's house with my sister. My sister was a terrible bully. She used to beat me up. Starting fights. She even Cut off my long hair. She was older,bigger and cleverer. I remember when I was 5 she 8. She got me too carry this empty bag Into the shop and shoveled it full of sweets. She then went with me too the counter and payed for 1 sweet. If we had got caught all the blame would have fallen on me. I take this scenario as symbolic of the abuse that would continue our whole lives . I was always to blame,she was a high achiever. Maybe on the spectrum playing musical instruments and reading books from age 4. All I ever wanted was a friend. For some reason I was a rival from day 1. I always took the blame
@@carissavonmayer2070 Scapegoating of this nature occurs most often in highly dysfunctional, traumatized family systems, or in narcissistic family systems. I do cover this in my book and on videos here. Sounds like in your case the scapegoating was severe.
This rings true with artists whose love of art is looked down upon and discouraged even into late adulthood even if they are successful at it. My grandfather was a successful graphic designer who started at the local college-level art academy at 15 and was never given credit for going to college or graduating from high school. Personally, whatever I wanted to do that fit my talents and likes was always discouraged. This hit some nerves. (There is a lot of jealousy among siblings that causes a lot of invalidation.)
I relate to your comment. My dad made fun of me wanting to be a graphic artist, a Teacher or a language Interpreter. I love languages & learning languages. When you have no encouragement in your areas of talent, it knocks your confidence as a teenager. I became extremely withdrawn & depressed around 14yo. It has taken decades for me to realise I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to, and that we can give our parents opinions about things, much more importance than they ever deserved.
Most valuable channel on the internet possibly.. I just spent a long weekend with whole family. I have a lot of cousins I adore and always have. I have withstood the most heinous evil cruel humiliating shit just to see family. I mostly avoid all family much of my life but... I really wanted to see everyone. I will now spend the next several days healing after. The absolute reversal to who I am and what I have achieved but flooding of kindness and sweetness toward everyone else even strangers is the cruelest and most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. Nobody has literally EVER understood it and they always think I must have done something to deserve it. I spent much of my life secretly feeling like shit no matter what I accomplished or did in my life. I am honest and hard working and people adore me- in my family and yet I get treated like there is something suepr wrong with me. Abusers are evil. I can't even pray for them anymore. They need their own special place in hell.
Its really a curse to have an insensitive and violent mother. It never changes. It gets worse. Remove yourself from all and any destructive persons. Go on in life alone. You'll be better off, trust me.
And so tragic that children do not have the option to leave; and nobody will likely recognize and/or act to protect the child from these forms of insidious, psycho-emotional abuse.
When I made the Dean's List after missing the entire 4 years of High School as the identified patient, I was told, Well, lots of people make the Dean's List, it's not that big of a deal. It's hilarious now. But 30 years ago, it was extremely painful and invalidating. They have a way of stunting the normal one's growth, while putting the loser GC's on a pedestal and paying for them financially. Now that we're all over 50, I call the GC children, the narc's karma because in the end, the narc ends up bound to Loser/Users for life. I'm NC, but I'm going to guess none of the selfish offspring are going to comfort the elderly on their death beds. I share your work with others. 💜
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thanks to warriors like you, I've come to realize my purpose is sharing my 63 years of Frontline experience to help others get out faster!! You are appreciated!! Namaste :-)
When I was about 13 years old I was riding my bike down a big hill near my house. It was big and steep enough that you could get some pretty decent speed up. I was pedaling rapidly when my foot slipped from the pedal and landed on the pavement directly in front me - gripping onto the road and slamming my lower leg into the pedal. When I came to a halt I saw an inch-deep dent above my ankle, with a hunk of what looked like chicken meat hanging out of it. Not much blood. I hopped to the nearest house and asked them to call my parents, which they did. My house was about a 2 minute drive from where I sat, but do you know how long my parents took to come and take me to the ambulance station? 45 minutes. They sat and chatted for 45 minutes. When my father finally arrived the look on his face when he saw the injury and realized that an outside person was witnessing his abuse/neglect was telling. He had no concern for me, only his appearance. I ended up having to go to hospital to have the injury tended to as it was too serious for the ambulance station to deal with. But that was the norm for them - a psychotic narcissist Jehovah's Witness father, and an alcoholic co-dependent mother - it's a wonder I got out of there alive.
A tragically powerful example of what I discuss in another video (linking you to it here), and why I often emphasize how family scapegoating can lead to the medical negligence of a child / adult child. ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
Every time I answer a message on a work group I spiral in anxiety, anticipating that things could unexpectedly become a trip to hell, in the form of attacks, mockery, deformations of my words, etc. I think it´s a trigger.
Groups of any type can be very difficult for FSA survivors and there are reasons for that. I touched on this in a very early video but I think I'll hit on it more fully and will address issues such as you mention here, thanks for the inspiration - but sorry this happens to you!
I feel this so much. My family made me feel like every move I made was a massive misstep, no matter how trivial or inconsequential the action was. It was true crazy making and has affected every aspect of my life.
For me this is one of those abuses that was so constant it was impossible to distinguish from normal and healthy, just everyone's personalities. At lower level traumatic abuse was the idea that I was "negative" while the golden children (2) were "positive" or so afraid of conflict that all they could ever do is please please please. What I saw was extreme denial and a person who stuffed her anger in such unhealthy ways as she's suffered an obvious eating disorder and addiction her entire life and has given up on intimate relationships with anyone. The denying sibling imitated my parents' life to such accuracy that she's hardly made an important life decision on her own terms down to ridiculous detail but was so praised as to believe she is the favorite of the world. (I do have another sister who goes in and out of seeing, but she is currently committed to supporting the golden children for many reasons.) At higher level traumatic invalidation when I divorced my husband any dishonesty and abuse of his I reported was a lie - somehow everything was my fault mostly for the child centered way I parented my children that the family fond obnoxious. All my x's abuses were public and continued to his next spouse - this didn't change the party line. I have children who have disabilities that I have worked to address basically on my own because my family thinks I am making a big deal of problems that will solve themselves (one child born blind (hard to deny but she'll figure it out), one with PTSD from sexual assault (we don't talk about that, it will go away), one with bipolar disorder since high school (which I was imagining and we sure don't talk about that), and one with severe dyslexia (can never seem to remember this.) The school system didn't work for all of them so I homeschooled three of them. Along the way I've received no real assistance from their father (joins in he belief that the best parents let their children solve their own problems) or my extended family for any aspect of parenting despite the wonderful "wagon circling" family I was told I'm part of. Their narrative is that the challenges my children have are either made up by me or even my fault. (The concepts of crime, trauma, and genetics mean nothing to them.) Despite their challenges, my children are doing well - one with a Ph.D, a professor, one with a thriving delightful young family, and the younger ones with good educations and solid careers. This, of course, has nothing to do with me. So, yes, once again, Rebecca hits the mark for me and, I see, so many below. We are not crazy but we sure have survived crazy situations.
The resilience I see in so many FSA adult survivors never ceases to amaze me. Here's to our thriving - not just surviving. And what a wonderful outcome for your children, thank you for sharing this with us.
Challenges are either made up or my fault… wow I relate! Your love for your children (now grown up) is awesome and your strength to do what you know is right by them despite your family and ex. Thanks for sharing. I bet there’s a higher than average rate of home schoolers amongst us and other ways we’ve chosen what works rather than conformity born from fear and dependence on others approval.
I watch a lot of your videos and this is the first one that brought me to tears because it was so so dead on. Thank you for understanding exactly how we feel. It means the world. I was molested by my cousin Chad as a small child and at 41, I'm having to reface some of those demons due to a family wedding. It's not going well. I've tried to speak with the mother of the perp (my aunt) and she STILL thinks I made it all up all these years later. Just insane. My choice is to cut that cancer from my life and because it's my aunt (my mom's sister) my mom wants me to make peace which is so so unhealthy. Chad even reoffended in 2015 and my aunt even blamed THAT VICTIM as well! Her level of denial is unheard of.
You're very welcome, and thanks for letting me know. I'm glad that this video seems to have helped you feel profoundly validate - you deserve this. You may already have my resource list - which includes links to my book and my new Substack for FSA survivors - but including it here just in case: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Ms. Rebecca, thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I found your videos....severe issues were going on. The entire story is true! I refuse to be silent any longer, they should prepare for their lives to radically change. Now it's time for justice!
Multiple people came to me and said when they finally met me, they saw I was nothing like the family rumors. They all eventually chose the abusers in the end though.
I'm just here to say I finally blocked my sister's number on my phone. She told me today that the reason she and my siblings are still friends with my abusive ex 25 years after our divorce is because they believe I "embellished" all the bad things that led to our divorce.
Ouch. That hurts. You may be interested in my article here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I actually read that a while ago, but I definitely need to give it a re-read. I don't know why I'm so shocked by this revelation. Of course they thought I made up everything and he's the hero. And of course the whole family is in agreement about it, and of course they have been rehashing this recently behind my back. I have been putting off going full no-contact because our (narcissist) mother is in hospice. But I think it's time regardless. I have no plans to attend the funeral or participate in the arrangements.
So very sorry to to hear you are going through all this. Linking you to a list of resources, which includes my book in which I discuss all this in detail: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much, Rebecca. Just having a place to come where we are understood and feel validated means everything. I have your book and read it over the holidays. But you know how it is; healing is not a linear process, and sometimes we move backwards. I have six siblings, and most of us were getting along pretty well until the last 18 months when we lost our dad and our mother's narcissism got much worse. Everyone is back into their old childhood roles, and we're in our 50s and 60s! I am the oldest, and I think my siblings have transferred a lot of resentment of my mom onto me, with my mother reinforcing that scapegoat role.
The death of a parent breaks the family homeostasis and then the you-know-what can hit the fan. We know this within the field of Family Systems. I discuss this phenomenon a bit in this video here, in case you missed it: ruclips.net/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/видео.html
Great topic! I've experienced invalidating in all forms and now can understand the truth is really the only way and my beliefs and understanding have came with devastating consequences mostly to everyone I've walked away from and there lack of understanding and brings out the devil. But I'm standing in my truth based on knowledge, wisdom, and intuition. I believe that's the most solid foundation thus far. Truth will indeed set you free and see things for what they really are. My what a sticky web.. Rebecca thanks again!
Wow - I am becoming estranged right now. I am glad I found your channel. I have been Invaladated from childhood. I had an antfarm - a litte girl shook it (I told her not to) it killed the ants and my mother blamed me for being upset. Now my nephew stabbed my brother with an Icepick and got mad at me and wont talk to me. These are just two examples for me. I am removing myself (I have no other family) the best part is they will have to find someone else to play their reindeer games. Thank you Rebbeca I feel better knowing I am not to blame or crazy.
You may want to read this article I wrote on 'DARVO' - I mention it in my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse as well (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). Critical concept / process to be aware of: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
Managed off and on, and chronic pain since childhood. Was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, Congenital Cervical Spinal Stenosis, and other chronic health issues including immunocompromised due to medication I have to take for the rest of my life..... I am also high risk of COVID, even a cold can land me in the hospital...... MIL spread rumors to in-laws, my husband and son I was faking the chronic pain, even after I was medically diagnosed. She even lied and told them I am not really taking Immunosuppressants, which was traumatic during the pandemic. Went No Contact, and currently in trauma therapy.
I was never acknowledged for anything. I've recently gone no contact with my dad and before I left I said you can't even be happy for me that I have 15 years Sobriety, he said it wasn't his problem I was an alcoholic, he drinks red wine at 11am till he goes to sleep, such denial.
Welcome - Glad you're here. Linking you to a resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Yep, kidney infections and kidney stones at 5 years old that never got medical attention. To this day, I have kidney problems due to years of ignoring the condition.
My mom went through this starting from her mother, to her husband, then her 4 kids out of 6. my brother and I were the only ones that saw what was going on probably cuz the both of us were scapegoats too. There were two golden children. my dad's was my youngest brother and my mother and grandmother's was my oldest sister. Our family is full of dysfunction. You're right when your parents die, it doesn't end. Before my dad died he told me I should never have been born. And all this was my mom's fault cuz she wanted so many kids. My mom was always accused of faking her bad health. On her death bed my middle brother had the audacity to ask her if she was really dying. Two of my brothers disowned my mom and me. After they got married. My two sisters moved, to get away from the hell. My oldest brother died at 36 of an overdose. And now my youngest son is treating me and his dad the same way as everyone in my extended always treated us. It doesn't stop there, they got all relatives hating us too.
Every video I watch of yours, I nod in agreement all throughout. I put my family out of my life seven years ago and have never been happier. I never realized how toxic they are/were until I moved away. I'm 64 now and so grateful I've finally been able to find peace of mind. It's difficult not regret all those years but I remember how I'm doing right now and it's better late than never.
Yes, very true. I've had people write me who are in their very senior years who felt the same way. As one woman wrote me, "I'm in my 80s and my family is all gone but I finally understand what happened to me and I can die in peace."
I'm finally understanding the dynamic that shaped me. My narc mother was always negligent towards me compared to the other kids. The septicimia, illness, broken back(!) Was invalidated until I almost died. It continued throughout my life, but I had external validation to compare my experience at home to, and knew my home life was screwed. But a lifetime of being called a liar, insulted, abandoned finally broke me at 36. And I made the mistake of moving in with her, with my 4 children. In the end she cost me my daughter, and my sanity. Thank you, for the first time, there it is, there is the dynamic that formed me. I'm doing a lot better since she cost me my home and I had to move far far away. She can't really h me and I don't answer her calls. I'm finally sleeping better and the nightmare dialog is slowing down. My advice - cut them off, get out, stay away!! Thank you !
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us. I did do a video here about being accused of “faking” injuries and illnesses. Search on “You’re Faking It,” it should come up.
I so appreciate the research/work you've done on FSA. Thanks for bringing out in the light. The irony about traumatic invalidation is this - the actual liar is calling you, the honest one, a liar. How "crazy" is that?
Jeezzzz.......makes you wonder how so many of us survive our childhoods..... and they call the species 'humanity'!!!! Some not so human. The strength of the spirit I suppose gets us through, thank you God. Haunts you for the rest of your life, it's always in the background lurking. Nice outfit Rebecca... green is a very healing colour. Thank you. x
You're welcome. Glad you're here! Linking you to my resource list in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I can rarely look people in their eyes when I am speaking to them because I feel too much stimuli and an unable to clearly think about what I am saying. Now this video has explained exactly why I have had this response all my life.
Look to see the color of their eyes which will help you to focus your attention & distract from your anxiety. I taught myself to do this as a teenager.
Thank you, Rebecca, for another momentous video and Dr. Watson's assay (I could underline her whole paper). For a long time, I felt triggered and re-traumatized when others minimized my experience. I kept thinking "Being mind-fvcked hurts.", but I couldn't find any information on why it did. Like many emotionally abused victims, I thought it was just me. It was in Dr. Marsha Linihan's books on DBT that I first learned about the effect of invalidation. Dr. Janina Fisher's book discussed the compromised left and right brains integration in child abuse victims. I wonder if traumatic invalidation is also related to left/right brain integration. 'Know our truth' feels like a right brain thing, while the false scapegoating narrative is a left brain thing. Scapegoating keeps the 2 brains in constant conflict, and invalidation prevents the integration. Are there research being done on the neurological effect of scapegoating and invalidation?
That is a powerful way to view the inner conflict of the FSA target / adult survivor. Worth exploring in a future video. The 'scapegoat narrative' of course affects brain development when the child is young, and will also keep the amygdala in a state of 'high alert' so that also needs to be factored in. I did have some former students of Dr. Jennifer Freyd contact me - they are currently doing peer-reviewed research on family betrayal and they were interested in my work on FSA. Slowly, empirical validation is emerging - but this only confirms the reality and 'lived experience' that all FSA adult survivors know far too well.
Yes, this is what I experienced. I had a sore throat when I was a teenager. So strong that it was very difficult to swallow saliva every time. I went to bed because I could hardly handle it. My mother and sister and brother all laughed at me. 'Cause I'm in bed with a little sore throat and I would just faking it. I went to the doctor alone. He found that a cist had blocked my throat. He said I could have died soon. If the swelling had closed. He sent me to the hospital for emergency surgery. I didn't understand why my family just laughed at me. The invalidation was chronic. Yes it is true. It's good to have that confirmation. By describing the nature of the abuse. And the resulting psychological consequences. Thank you.
Sotchil, you'll want to watch this video of mine, if you haven't already. This sort of assumption that the scapegoated child / adult child is not as sick as they actually are, etc, is a hallmark feature of this type of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA. Watch this video I did on this phenomenon via this link - I also do mention this in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
I would love to know the stats on empath/truthtellers and adhd. Thank you for these videos. I hope I can start from here and become the person I was meant to be before the trauma. I have a covert narcissistic mother and and alcoholic rage fuelled father but to my siblings he was a 'fun social drinker'
I'm ADHD & the truth teller, Empathy. Oldest child that knows all the family secrets so I must be a liar too. My abusive parents caused such division with jealousy & obvious favoritism among us children and it has totally wrecked any chance of us all keeping in contact after their deaths. If you ask each child if there was favouritism in the family the favourites will say there wasn't any,the non favourites will give names,lol.
I have to go testify against my step dad in a month in order to protect my niece during a custody battle. I was abused in every way by that man but somehow an abuser has more worth than me in my families eyes cause they invalidate me and what he did to me. They took the abusers side. I was scapegoated cause I was the only one who wasn’t his biological kid. Absolute hell.
Completely sickening. I hope you are victorious but if you’re not, just understand that the system is also engaging in the same abuse your family did so the likely outcome is for them to side with the abuser. You tried.
I had terrible acne as a teen. My mothers face was horribly scarred from acne in her childhood. Classmates would ask me if I had the “measles”. I was so self conscious - nothing topical I bought worked. I don’t know how I figured out what a Dermatologist was but I, by myself, made an appointment. He told me this was a bacterial type van of acne and prescribed antibiotics. I could pay the doctor and afford the pills. Within one month my skin was was amazingly improved, eventually it was nearly cleared up. My mother invalidated my feelings when I would cry because of my face. She said “it’s not that bad - you’ll probably grow out of it”. She never took it upon herself to care enough to get me just that little bit of help. From then on I knew I was on my own when it came to personal and self help.
Sounds like your mother may have been repeating a toxic family pattern, and you paid the price. Glad you sought out the help you needed, but a hard lesson to learn when young.
So true, ma'am. And so unknown. I took care of my parents until they died, hands on, even living with me to the end. I took care of my husband while he died and doctors were trying to kill him. Yet my whole life I have been chopped liver. This is a right indication to me and that is very powerful. Thank you.
You're very welcome. I've used that term myself before (chopped liver) along with 'road kill'. The pain is overwhelming. But it can get better. I hope you tune into my video on FSA healing tomorrow. Linking you to my list of FSA adult survivor resources in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I only just found out a week ago that scapegoating is a recognised family dynamic. I recognised my mother was narcissistic a few years ago. For decades I denied what she was doing to me was abuse....and I was her scapegoat. My siblings have gone on to make me their scapegoat too. I am to blame for all their problems and shortfalls. One sister suggested the only reason she had an extensive criminal record was because I was giving the Police sexual favours to arrest her. I must be good... 😂 I now recognise the Traumatic Invalidation throughout my life. When I had glandular fever as a child, my mother dismissed my complaints about being unwell, saying I was watching too much TV. When I sued the defence force for sexual harassment my mother said I obviously did something to deserve it. When my ex-husband punched me and broke my ribs....she said I obviously did something to deserve it... I struggle with imposter syndrome but have pushed through and am finally doing my Masters degree much to my sisters' condemnation. It's all making sense now. Thank you.
Thank you so much for putting a name of "family scapegoat abuse ""!! That's ME to a nutshell!! Felt so invalidated and to this day still fill invalidated in my dysfunctional family!!! I finally am able to see it for what it was!! I hope you see more of your videos on this most needed topic! Thank you!!❤
You're welcome, Deborah. I hope you have subscribed. I have a few playlists on the homepage of my channel here; there are FSA recovery affirmation videos at the bottom you might like. Also, consider reading my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. It might provide some new insights and fill in some missing puzzle pieces.
I was always told that I was a hypochondriac, if I was sick but not running a fever. I rarely run fevers, but was certainly sick and having symptoms. The GC would hit myself and middle sibling, then go tell parents that we were bullying her, then stand there smirking as we were yelled at. We explained that she was lying, and I recall being told, "It doesn't matter," as the scolding of us older kids continued. Yet the middle child and I were truthful, as we were always told that we would be punished twice as harshly if we lied. There were countless, crazy-making double standards. Yes. I have always had imposter syndrome.
I’m the oldest of four children. I am the angry scapegoat which started around the age of six. My youngest sister took on the role of the monster that was my mother after she died. The oddest incident that I experienced was 8 years ago. My daughter, my sister and I had just pulled up to a restaurant and I had driven there. It was a very windy day and while I was getting out of the car a gust of wind caused my car door to slam shut only my face blocked it . A sharp corner of the car door hit my head right under my brow and within seconds my face was covered in blood. I knew that I had to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to know the extent of the cut and I kept my hand over my eye. My sister, the golden child and now the matriarch told me to move my hand and after doing so she scorned me for being overly dramatic. My daughter was very upset but it didn’t matter to my sister. This happened when I was in my mid fifties my sister was in her mid forty’s. “ you’re not hurt that badly!” she kept insisting as the blood kept flowing. “ You just need to go into the bathroom and wipe the blood off and apply pressure “ I guess my survival instinct had kicked in and I ……… i actually begged for her approval to go to the hospital …… reluctantly she gave in and drove me there. The cut required 5 stitches. Plus pain medication. I missed a day of work and had to wear a large bandage and gauze over my eye for a week. And even after that my sister insisted that anyone else would have simply done as she had first suggested. This incident would add verification to my being a “ drama queen “ which she shared with my other siblings.
Me too, but the worst invalidation happened later, when I unknowingly married a narcissist who put me down and gaslit me to the point of my having a breakdown.
"We go to what we know" - And sometimes this is due to early conditioning and trauma bonding with an abusive family member (often a scapegoating parent). I just wrote an article about this, by the way - you can subscribe to my Substack for free to read it: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/how-trauma-bonding-impacts-adult
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
Excellent article! Thanks for sharing
@@eleanorjohnson1313 You're welcome, I'll let Dr. Watson know!
I love where Dr Watson encourages, if I understood correctly, to fantasize about someone seeing you as the smart, decent, believable, trustworthy person you already are … without all the other bs. I do believe activating that validation changes neural pathways and can feel it happening.
@@roomg03 Yes, this technique is supported by research; neural pathways can develop around lies, so we need to create new ones that are developed around truth. This is also why I offer FSA Recovery Affirmation videos here on my channel. New one coming out next week!
😊😊😊😊😊😊
If I called out my mom on every invalidation she's ever done the answers would be, " What are you talking about?" or " Shut up, just shut up".
Here's another one, " Don't be ridiculous. '"
Yep, that would qualify as profound invalidation. And in some cases, possibly a form of gaslighting.
I learned early on when I called my mother on her abusive, ‘jokes’ she’d give me nasty look, grind her teeth and ‘what now, you are stupid, I have no time for you!” One time I called her out on her lies and injustice treatment (golden child) she screamed I was trouble maker, I was a liar, jealous, stupid person, when I didn’t replied I turned to walk away she ran and smack me on my head, gripped my hair and smash me in my face.
Story of my life. I was never abused. My mom has never had any addictions. I was blamed for everything. Even in my mid 40s, I'm constantly told "I'm too sensitive," and to "toughen up" at the slightest display of emotion.
Typical. And the sun is black and the grass is blue...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 💯
As my mother would slap me in my face and scream at me Toughen up, Girlie!! I was absolutely hysterical in the street as she beat me down, right there on Broadway in front of strangers..
the abuse probably ran deep. My mother was never overtly abusive becasue she didn't want to "look bad". But she had a very deep seated cruelty to her and the few times she complemented me they were always back handed.
This is how it happened to me, too. I was always considered a difficult child.
I remember telling my GC sister all of the ways my parents abused me (she knew they did - because she repeatedly watched them do it). She was also on the receiving end of the abuse - as I had to repeatedly watch her get whipped with my dad’s belt. She used to drop to her knees with her hands clasped in prayer, begging him to stop beating her. Her response to me was a disdainful, “Mom and dad were GREAT parents!” Imagine gaslighting yourself to the point where you really believe all of the lies you tell yourself. I’m glad I was the scapegoat - because we’re usually strong enough and courageous enough to tell ourselves the truth. And we’re called the crazy ones? 🙄
Elizabeth, I could not agree with you more. Well stated - and a profoundly accurate view of why, in the end, being in the 'scapegoat' role may provide one with the greatest chance to be self-liberated from a dysfunctional or narcissistic family system.
My GC twin said "that never happened, you must have DREAMED IT." 🤦
@@sharonthompson672 Sounds like some serious gaslighting there!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Oh yeah, with a big smile. She's the last one I have contact with. Low contact. 👍
I am sympathetic to this; when I was in college, I wrote an essay on my family, concluded that in the end, we are all there for each other, and will back one another up in times of trouble. That was complete nonsense! My sister, to her credit, called me out on it, but then destroyed her credit by basically telling me that I was at fault for my delusions.
I was regurgitating what I had been programmed to believe, and project to the world. You may have been invalidated, which is unfortunate and tragic, but never underestimate the power of planting a seed. Maybe years from now, she will look back, should she ever come to her own healing journey, and be thankful for you breaking through her delusion. You will probably never hear her say it to you, but God willing, she will be.
This is exactly what my family did to me. It’s all still sinking in. The level of lies and manipulation are almost unbelievable and unbearable. Finding a therapist that doesn’t also invalidate my story has been very difficult. Thank you for these videos.❤ They have helped me understand and think about the situation in a much different light.
Good to hear, Michelle. I just linked my colleague's article on this same topic, it is in the pinned comment and also the video description.
I was just going to write something similar. This video helped reveal another layer explaining why I acted the way I did. It hit home. I have to deal with another session on Monday with a counselor who knows zilch about what I’m going through and I’m dreading it. I so wish I could afford Rebecca.
@@christar9527 I'm offering Single-Session Consultations now - on the menu of my website at scapegoatrecovery.com
I always kind of assumed I would not be able to find a therapist who could possibly understand all this. I did assume much of it was just my family. I couldn't imagine how long it would take me to explain my experience in a way that would inform any therapist enough to help me; given my situation in life I didn't have the energy. I had never heard scapegoating talked about in the way Rebecca does, and now many on Instagram and other social media are, until recently. I wonder if I just missed it or if it is fairly new to the scene?
@@MF-my3db I'm 62. This is all new to me since lockdown. (Trying to find grief counseling) I remember in the 90's about healing your inner child, John Bradshaw, but childhood PTSD and the scapegoating and golden children, that's been a revelation since I'd say the past three or four months. All RUclips and Facebook sourced. 👍 And yes, matching up with a counselor is hard work.
Good luck to you. 🌹
My mother was violent, she hated me so much, in kindergarten, she caught me sliding across the kitchen floor, she told me to stop. I thought she'd left and slid again, she shoved my face into the refrigerator and broke my nose at 5 years old. My grandmother got to the Emergency Room, I heard her tell my mother "if you don't stop, you're going to kill her Sally." Within a year I was in the Emergency Room again she pushed me down the back steps, my chin needed 15 stitches. Before dad died, he said "yah we knew she was doing it" I mean really. I was close to 60 y.o. and dad 85 y.o. he said it like "pass the salt." It never ended, he was calling me a crook at the dinner table 2 years before he passed. I went no contact and it is the best thing I've ever done, not having to listen to him or any sister, cousin a/b how great he is and what a liar I am, even though hospital records and scars say I told the truth all along.
Horrendous. I'm wondering if that was before CPS existed - today the hospital would call Child Protective Services (if you were in the United States).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse 1968. It was very hurtful later in life that all my grandmother could say is "if you don't stop Sally you're going to kill her" I was 5, she'd been hitting me since I could remember. My grandmother didn't stand for a 5-year-old, it still shocks me.
I am so sorry that happened to you. 😊
So sorry. I hope you get to the point you see them as the worthless damaged goods they are.
@@jayneweaver8695It's so sad that nobody could help you. So sorry for the little girl you were. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤❤❤
Everything i did for 28 year for them. I even put my career on the back burner so they could obtain their achievements only to to be discarded and told i was inadequate and mentally ill.
Sadly, this is not an uncommon occurrence, particularly if you are an Empath / caretaker type. But it is never too late to reclaim your life - And live it.
Seems in any group or organization where there is a bullying narcissist around, the cowardly, fearful in the group are more than willing to gang up on one person, no matter how unfair, to keep the heat off themselves.
These dynamics are indeed primal and primitive - captured brilliantly in the novel ‘Lord of the Flies’.
This is exactly what is happening. It’s in government, hospitals, schools, the military, workplaces, families, non-profits and even “charity” organizations. It’s deeply embedded in the culture, and it’s wrong.
You speak my life.
68 years of toxic family.
2 years ago I finally walked away.
The last 2 years has been the absolutely best of 70years.
Walk away from cruel!
I thought I was a late bloomer two years ago at age 58😂!
I adored my therapist that Id had for about a year, but then she invalidated my horrible difficulty with a severely abusive narc boss. Then, much worse , she invalidated my concerns about emotional abuse from my mom and sister, who ALSO invalidated my work distress, but additionally had continued to inflict personal attacks on me well into a breakdown. Worse than being alone, is having everyone you trusted making you feel unworthy, and realizing everything was a lie up to this point.
What a disgusting world we live in, where such fake ppl work in mental health, and tout about supporting mental illness, but abuse and condemn their daughter and sister for being "hard to be around" in a crisis. I've been a personal dumpster for these pathetic, abusive women, who convinced me they were heroes, for 51 years. 😊
It can be very disappointing, indeed - and even shocking - when the veil of illusion drops and one sees reality exactly as it is. Acknowledging difficult truths about those we may have once trusted takes courage. I hope you are now finding people who can genuinely support you. I'm including a resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors - The Facebook group I mention might interest you, if you join, tell Rhonda I sent you. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
My family behaves the same way, and they are proud of themselves for doing so too. They think their behavior is heroic. No contact is truly the best option, even though it can feel lonely. I’m giving up on these hopeless people.
I’m not even joking when I say that I’ve been seeking mental health help for over a decade, AND EVERY SINGLE MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL WAS LIKE THIS! I’ve given up because healthcare has just become another source of trauma and invalidation. They always knew my history but continued to invalidate me constantly. When I’d stick up for myself, they’d label me as aggressive every time. I actually think the mental health profession purposely hires abusers to further traumatized victims. I view every mental health provider the same way I do the man who killed my soul when I was just a kid. Vile, nasty humans with an intent to cause as much harm as possible.
So sad that you had a toxic family and therapist. Bravo to you for getting away from your family.
I wish and hope someday all of us scapegoat survivors could get together with Rebecca and share lunch, hugs, tell our stories and celebrate that we are the STRONGEST, MOST RESILIENT PEOPLE ON EARTH! It is good therapy for me to read all the comments, that I am not alone...💖
I hope to put together a retreat one day for FSA adult survivors - it would be incredible for everyone to meet and not have to explain the unexplainable because everyone already 'gets' it.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse A retreat for our tribe would be incredible indeed.
The retreat would be wonderful, especially for those who are new at facing their truths. All my life I was alone in all the bizarre scenes because I realized that first of all, no one would believe me! - and second, people would think how awful that I would say anything bad about my own mother, because after all, who does that?? And third, people would routinely approach me and tell me “what an angel” my mother was, and I got to where I would respond to them that I knew she was to them.
It was freeing to finally have therapy with a wonderful therapist who gave me homework of two books to read, and they were filled with these types of bizarre stories. It gave me validation that I was not alone and I was not crazy, and it was not me. There truly was something to this. The validation from a third party, even from a book, is so desperately necessary for healing to begin.
White Horse,
I am riding with you to the retreat!
@@susansauls8902 Discussing this with a colleague - stay tuned!
My family scapegoated me throughout childhood and my siblings continue to do it in adulthood. I’m angry and disgusted and also very depressed and feeling hopeless.
I suggest you watch the video I released this past Saturday on FSA and sibling estrangement. I also have a resource list on my website at scapegoatrecovery.com
Finding this channel has been super clarifying. I'm 10 months into NC apart from wider family deaths. I was done with the crap. It has been quietly liberating
Going through it now. Bless you. I hope healing comes fast for us both
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you.
PTSD through family violence and lifelong scapegoating almost killed me. Why cant victims get justice/compensation? Why is there no legal help available?
As I mention in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed), we are woefully behind in that department here in the U.S. There is more awareness in the UK, largely due to a grassroots movement led by victims of narcissistic abuse.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes and i think that in the UK Coercive Control laws have been implemented which makes it easier to report the abuse. All abusers use Coercive Control. . Australia is also behind with bringing in this legislation.
Then again, if our country addressed these issues meaningfully, we would have to look at institutional abuses; our socio-political and justice systems and related abuses of power and privilege, etc, etc - and that would be ever so inconvenient to those 'in charge'.
@@florag8358Australia closed down the assylums about a decade ago and put everybody into the general population. We have an intentional disconnect between the police and the mental health fields so people who do crazy stalking things like NPD types don't get diagnosed, don't get help, and everyone else suffers. You can't even get police to issue AVO's until you've already been murdered by a dangerous ex. Our police force is a captured corporation and they have no time or budget for the lunacy we may report is being perpetrated against us. And it's intentional.
@@florag8358So far, California & Hawaii have laws for coercive control.
Connecticut just added them.
The UK has had them for more than the lAst several years.
It makes you feel like no one likes you unless your away from the family. When strangers treat you more like a person then your family it does feel like a stab in the back. Like why me! Why do they hate me? That’s what it feels like and it’s a horrible way to raise a child. It’s abuse. It’s just plain abuse.
Hence the name resulting from my research: Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA).
Amazing! I cried in agony for a week before i finally saw a doctor with a swollen purple broken foot! They thought i was just being dramatic. No one can be hurt or have an injury or be sick but them.
You'll want to watch this video, then: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you. Your linked content is very compelling.🙏💡🌞
I share things that happened to me in hopes it validates someone else's experience. When memories triggered at age 50 of sexual abuse from my father which started at age 3, I called my "narcissistic" mom to tell her. I was crying as I told her about it and to my shock, all she had to say in her cold, unemotional voice was, "Well, it was YOUR FAULT".....I WAS ONLY 3!!! This tells you your scapegoating, narcissistic parents will NEVER take responsibility for damaging you. It is a fantasy to think they will.
This happens far too often when FSA targets tell the truth - DARVO (Dr. Jennifer Freyd term): Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. A terrible thing to do to anyone, but especially a vulnerable, innocent child.
much love. Yes I hear this all the time in my meetings (12 steps ACA) and it happened to me too. Behind my back untill 1,5 year ago it happened in front of me.
I am so sorry you went through this. How horrific. And then to have to endure what your mother said after you mustered the courage to tell her. It must have been reliving the original abuse all over again.
Mine was so bad that I was told over and over again that I was crazy and a hypochondriac, when in reality, I actually had a brain tumor that was making me so ill. And when I was a teenager once, I was cleaning windows, my mom made me, and one window fell and broke my wrist and my mother yelled at me that it was just a bruise and I was acting like poor Cinderella just to get out of helping with the housework. I went all day in screaming pain till my dad came home. He asked my mother what the hell was wrong with her and that she didn't take me to the ER. Then my dad took me and it was broken. I suffered excruciating pain all day until I got to the ER, and they gave me meds for the pain. This is just one example of the scapegoat abuse. It's still ongoing all these years later, a lifetime. So glad to have found these videos.
me too
What's interesting is that I've met a few family scapegoats that are completely blindsided to this is what happened to them.. They are so deeply brainwashed as to this mistreatment being Normal which they then marry into.the same toxic abuse from a partner.
Yes, very common. One of the main reasons I gave this form of 'invisible' abuse a distinct name during the course of my research.
My form of invalidation was much more subtle and insidious so it made it extremely difficult to recognize it. Being ignored and gaslit. I got to the point of never saying anything when something bad happened because there was no reaction, no acknowledgement, as if I didn’t exist and what happened to me didn’t matter. That led to deep shame
"They" seemingly like to undermine your words first. The label "liar" seems to become attached to you at an inappropriate age developmentally. You may have been accused of being manipulative. Now even your actions and the way your body moves are suspect. Then once the teens hit they might start calling you "crazy" and undermine your own mind and realty. With a side of reactive abuse and a dash of gaslighting you have a very scary recipe and one heck of a cycle to break. Thanks, Rebecca
You're welcome, Christy. And good point about the age / developmental process - scapegoated children can get labelled at such young ages as being "liars," etc, and it can stick and burden them for a lifetime.
YES! I was accused from a very young age of being 'manipulative.' I think my earliest memories of this may be from as young as 8. I was perplexed thinking, someone just said something hurtful and mean. How is it manipulative to feel upset about that??
I have a severe painful disease called childhood onset ankylosing spondylitis.. I was always marginalized shamed invalidated socially isolated in my family anyway. But when the disease started I was systematically invalidated, I saw a chain reaction of every adult in my life treating me like an attention seeking liar for seeking help with my pain. Many many years later I found out my pain on the pain scale is about equivalent to drug free childbirth, chronically. I was being told it wasn't possible I was in pain and I was just trying to get out of things. It broke my brain. I'm 44 and today is the first time I have heard my experience validated. It destroyed me. My family was a narcissistic system. Something I didn't know till recently too. It ruined my brain and life.
I'm so very sorry to hear this, Angela. Did you already watch my video, 'You're Faking It!'?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse not yet but I have subscribed to your channel and looked up your book and will go through all your information. It helps so much to be validated, to have someone acknowledge your reality. It's like I can relax and breathe out. Thank you
@@angeladee8789 You're welcome, I hope you find my material on FSA helpful.
This is me but I have EDS and ENDO and I have been adopted into such a system, my brain is more then f up from all the trauma and abuse
Your experience is exactly what I’ve experienced too; although, I have not been diagnosed with AS. I have the genetic marker & symptoms. I’ve been diagnosed with RA & Fibromyalgia. My family did the same to me. Although I’ve done a good job parenting in spite of pain & fatigue, I have had to take naps daily. My extended family systematically suggested & convinced my - now adult - children I was exaggerating. I wasn’t. There was jealousy over the fact I was home instead of working. The fact that I lost an amazing job & had to let my real estate license go because of pain/fatigue was ignored. The loss was seen as a choice. As my role as a mother was sabotaged, I was losing my kids due to the undermining done. One of my family members (a nurse, no less) knew some of my neighbors & convinced them of the same. I had a nervous breakdown from it. After the hospitalization, my family could then point at me & say, “see, the problem in the family is her!” The nurses/psychiatrist invalidated what I said as paranoia. Told me “fibromyalgia isn’t real.” This medical record has continued to haunt me as doctors have read it & treat me as if my pain is psychosomatic as a result. The psychiatrist noted in the record, “patient BELIEVES she has fibromyalgia.” The hospitalization was 2014. I was dx w/fibro in 2001 after living with pain since 1996. Thank you for sharing. Sending a virtual hug your way. ❤️🩹
Omg. The effects of chronic invalidation have caused me so much doubt within myself. It has led to unhealthy relationships, and constant turmoil. I had no idea what I felt or why, or if I even had the right to my own feelings. SO CONFUSING. Thanks for talking about this subject ❤
You're welcome. I hope you take the time to read Dr Erin Watson's companion article, included in the video description. Powerful.
I just got invited and accepted into an Honor Society at my college. It feels unreal. Like “Where’s the camera?” Kind of thing. I was never good at keeping my grades up in public school because no one would help me with my ADHD and my home life was very poor and killed my motivation. The devil on my shoulder said, “You don’t deserve it” but it’s also in a way enlightening that I can reach these levels of greatness after growing up with people genuinely thinking I’m stupid.
Congratulations, Alexia - that is wonderful news! I remember years ago going to see the great Family Systems theorist and practitioner Salvador Minuchin. He was revered around the world and in his 80s then. He started the talk by telling the large audience he still felt like an impostor and that he was just fooling everyone. So, you are in good company. And as I stated in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, Impostor Syndrome is a hallmark feature of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
Congratulations! All the best to you. You're very bright, and will make something very good of your life.
Congrats and it’s usually the most perceptive , strongest one who they try to squash. You’re story is inspiring …
Lovely beginning to the rest of your life. All the best 🙏☮️💕
oh wow.. i didn't do good at school.. but, I wennt to a business college..and got HONOR MARKS..for working so hard!! (my mom could not tell me she was proud of me..but, did so to a sister!).. then i went to the local college...and MADEE THE DEANS honor roll!!! A girl told me i was on the list.. i went and checked.. and it was WAY TO SURREAL...ME!!!??? there is my name.. how the hell did i get there.. regardless of my hard work and studying!! i know the 'you don't deserve it'... i hear you.. BUT, WE DO DESERVE IT.
I went to a therapist for a short while who didn't 'get it' . She actually said to me 'what did you do to make her act like that ?' after I had told her of one of my covert narc mother's screaming rages at me when I was 5. - my earliest memory of her . What had I done ? I had asked her to drive me to school on my first day . Always invalidated and called a liar by my incessantly lying mother , I grew to expect it my entire life .
I'm sorry you had such an experience with your therapist. Hopefully, more and more therapists are waking up to the fact of parental 'invisible' (psycho-emotional) abuse and scapegoating.
I also went to a therapist after I moved far away from my FOO and went NC. During my first session with him, he said, “Do you realize you’ve used the word “narcissist” about 9 times in the past 15 minutes?” He then ordered me to stop using that word. I was shocked and telephoned the person in charge the following day. He apologized to me and found me an excellent therapist who had knowledge of NPD. He then ordered the clueless therapist to take a class on family estrangement. The new therapist told me I had PTSD and gave me the tools I needed to move forward with my life. She was so wonderful.
Great story. Glad you advocated for yourself and found a therapist who was far better informed!
It’s really difficult to find a good therapist. I screened a few before I decided on one. My issues were with my mother so I knew I needed a nurturing mother-type figure, a therapist who was a female around that age. I found someone who fit what I was looking for who was effective.
I’m sure everyone wishes they could have Rebecca for their therapist. I didn’t know anyone like her (specializing in this) existed. It would be great if there was a source of therapists specializing in family scapegoating were listed on a website per location.
The invalidation guts you. It rips your guts out. Or so it feels. You’re still there though. The core of who you are doesn’t disappear. It hides in little corners of yourself that you may not be aware of but you can locate every piece and put it all back together in your own fashion. It’s a worthy endeavor and it will pay off. You exist and have always existed. You can honor the truth.
Well said, and I agree 100%. This is what I mean by reclaiming / reconnecting with the true self - which includes reclaiming 'exiled parts' (in Internal Family Systems language) and for many, addressing Structural Dissociation and Complex Trauma - also, what I now call 'family scapegoating trauma' (FST).
Combine chronic invalidation with dishonored or complete lack of healthy boundaries and you get learned helplessness. It's really a horrible way to live.
This reminded me of a time I was bitten on the back by a little neighborhood girl. She actually bit through my shirt and caused significant bleeding. When I went back home to show my Mom (I needed immediate care) she sent me to the neighbor's house to tell the girl's parents. I was only five or six years old!! Can you imagine? I did as I was told and when the Father heard/saw what happened he backhanded the little four-year-old girl across the room. (No wonder she was angry!)
Then, the Mother took me to the bathroom and tended to the wound. Can you imagine how terrifying that was for both of us?
Good point, Kimberly, I will address learned helplessness as related to FSA. What a terrible experience for you to endure - as well as that little four-year-old girl. No wonder, indeed!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse It really breaks my heart for myself re-reading it this morning. I toughed it out through so many of these experiences of irresponsibility, neglect, and the witnessing of violence/domestic abuse. I endured frequent verbal and emotional abuse and chronic invalidation with intermittent care/concern (mostly tinged with the uhealed fear, hostility, anger and contempt from my Mom and Dad.) Rarely was there a show of true tenderness or level-headed guidance.
Sounds like you may be connecting with 'exiled parts' - and now feeling their sadness and pain. An important aspect of healing.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse How refreshing to have this named/labeled (rather than invalidated.) That chokes me up, too. My inner critic was saying "That's enough of that whining!" Or, "You're taking up too much of this woman's time!" etc...(Sounds EXACTLY like my Mom)
I have revisited this story many times, but this was definitely the first time these particular feelings arose. Before, I think it was more like indignation and/or anger.
Thanks Rebecca 🌷
@@kimberlymccracken747 Often behind the understandable anger / rage there is profound grief. And grief is an important passage in regard to deep healing from FSA.
In my situation, I have learned that the dysfunctional family people have successfully brainwashed the rest of my family, by distorting, over emphasizing and amplifying my mistakes.
In order for all of them to justify their feelings they constantly remind themselves and the rest of the family or friends why they think I am worthless, lower than dirt, mentally ill, dangerous, gaslight, scapegoat and hate me so much that the "fish stories keep getting bigger and bigger to the point they are so indoctrinated, angry and convinced, it is nie unto impossible to have a rational conversation attempting to reconcile.
That about sums it up - for many who find themselves here.
When I was in my mid thirties, my brother in law started behaving very badly towards me, to the point of sitting with his back towards me or even ordering me out of their family car. When my mother passed away (she lived with them) and due to related circumstances I left my husband, I moved in with them. My brother in law and I became good friends and spent countless hours talking. He then apologised to me for his past behaviour; he explained that there was a lot of bitching about me between my mother and sister behind my back.
I always appreciate hearing such stories - that the FSA target receives an apology from a family member - and also, I imagine you felt validated knowing you were not imagining the smear campaign going on behind your back.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you Rebecca; indeed, it gave me strength to hear from an observer (brother in law) rather than a blood relative that I wasn't a monster and not crazy. Unfortunately, my soft heart makes me let the immediate family use me as a slave and a doormat, since they keep dying on me and each time one of them does, I justify for that as I couldn't find my peace if I refused to help. I only refuse when I can't justify a ridiculous selfish request which would only result in them making fun of me as an easy target. As it happened more than once in the past.
I've experienced this too. I've had friends of family look askance at me or glare at me and even tell me off because of something they heard about me from family members that was not true. It's awful to be smeared. I'm glad you finally got some validation from your brother-in-law.
Oh, I had that. My mum told a lot of lies about me. She enjoyed getting the rest of the family to hate me and they did😂. I saw a specialist scapegoat therapist online (she was based in Canada and I was in the UK). Plus I’ve been no contact now for 20 yrs.
Gossip hurts people
It's a hell to live through and takes a lifetime to heal or two.
The ancestral patterning that must be targeted and healed is an exborbant amount of work to sort through.
Blessings to all on the path of healing on this issue that they break free from the lies and soul killers.
Get help and reunite with your soul.
❤❤❤
My gc sister who lives abroad rang me to tell me narc mum 96 is in hospital and demanded I go and see her. I have been 10 years no contact. I refused...but offered air fare and expenses. My sister tried to manipulate..." you'd do it for your kids" yeah, my kids have given me grey hairs not ptsd. Then" you really need to get over it" she's your mother, for goodness sake" then " well, I'll have to come over, but I'm worried about my work " My sister is addicted to trying to save and sort out mother and only feels valued if helping others, specifically earning mother's approval, at the expense of her family and health. Mother attacked and hospitalised me 30 years ago ....I still allowed her in my life. I went no contact after she discussed this and instead of owning what she did, she startes ranting about the fact she got arrested for it. I aired our dirty family linen. My sister thinks this is water under the bridge. She is damaged. GCs bear heavy burdens of their own
Very true. I have mentioned this in my videos at times.
I don't care that GC have issues
'you were not imagining these things'.
Every day I live with a voice in my mind telling me I'm making these things up and there is something wrong with me.
Everyday I'm torn...it's like cognitive dissonance permanently.
It need not be permanent. New, healthier neural pathways can be made. You might also read the linked article by my colleague Dr. Watson - it is in the video description and pinned comment.
I still question, "Is this a real memory, or did I just imagine it?" But then I remember something else, such as "That's why I was always afraid of loving someone too much, lest they die," or "I believed that bad things would happen to others by my innocent attempts at being kind to them," Which makes the abusive episodes much more real.
I was put in foster care because my sister was attacking me in front of my mom, but my mom blamed me, and it was SO traumatic!! She convinced my step dad that it was my fault. I am 61 and I just wrote my step dad and told him the truth. I have nothing to lose.
Thank-you for this information. I have definitely experienced traumatic invalidation. It happens to this day as none of my accomplishments in life are validated or ever talked about or congratulated by my narcissistic mother. I always felt guilt for achieving anything great in life so now I don't talk about any of my achievements at all with her. She simply doesn't care!
Sorry to hear that. I talk about this same dynamic in my first 'Bizarre Realities' video - you may want to check that one out if you haven't already.
One of the most invalidating moments for me as a teen was trying to talk to my narcissistic father and he’d say “Have you taken your medicine today?” I was taken to therapy since age 6 and on psychiatric medication in my teens. I always felt unloved and unseen. I confronted my father as an adult and he pointed his finger at me and raged “It’s all your fault!” I had just told him that all my life I just wanted him to be my father.
To this day my father says “You need us!” I went no contact with both narcissistic parents and golden child brother. My adult child has become loyal to the system and just told me we cannot have a relationship unless I come back in the system. My health has improved since no contact. I feel worse after contact with my adult child.
I struggle with indecision or regret decisions I made and self sabotage. I’ve learned to self regulate. The trauma and triggers still are in the body. Does that ever leave? I expect lifelong grief, but what about the toll trauma takes on your body? Is complete healing possible or do you just feel the pangs/triggers less intensely?
Thank you for sharing your FSA experiences. I discuss healing specifically in my most recent video. It may answer your question - but how much healing each person will experience will vary. In my experience, complex trauma must be treated for the nervous system to fully heal. Video here: ruclips.net/video/qwENzJQo92I/видео.html
Im 30 and have epilepsy since is was 12. When i was 14 I had a partial aware seizure(you are awake during these type of seizures) in the airport. So when i started acting weird and telling my parents i thought i was having one of my seizures my mom began yo get mad at me and tell my dad to not t worry because i "was faking it"..once my seizure is over i start getting a migraine and get nauseous. I start gagging and my mom yells at me to stop. I reply that im i think im gonna throw up. She gets up and yanks me to go to the restrooms(the whole while, yelling at me saying how im so annoying) but i end up throwing up of the floor at the terminal cause i couldnt hold it. That set her off into a rant about how much of a pain in the ass i was. It was insane to think my own mother had so little regard for me and my medical condition ..i sometimes cant believe that happened.
Sadly, it happens all too often to the scapegoated child / adult child, per my research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). I mention this phenomenon in my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed' and also did a video on it here regarding "You're faking it!" I've also experienced this personally and it nearly cost me my life two times as a child and young adult so I know how devastating this can be: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
I'm so sorry. That's terrible
When I was 9years old I had horrible stomach pain,fever and diarrhea for a week my mom told me I was faking it but she finally took me to the emergency room and they took me into emergency surgery because my appendix had ruptured. The doctors told my mom if she would have waited another day I would have died. I’m also the family scapegoat
So sorry this happened to you. You'll want to watch my video here on this very dynamic (being accused of 'faking it'). This came up in my original FSA research surprisingly often and is in fact a form of medical neglect: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
That's terrible. I think families like ours legit do not care if we die. In my family, they didn't hide the fact that they wanted me to die.
I was invalidated all my life by my family and our common friends. When I was sick, nobody believed me.
This came up often in my original FSA research, and it has happened to others here, and also to me. I made a video specifically about this issue here: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
I'm 31 and have never remotely adjusted to the system, but have tried to still heavily immerse myself in it lately to be with specific family members. The cognitive dissonance is so great that I am literally on the edge of a psychotic depression. Never ignore your gut.
Sounds like you have a great deal of clarity regarding your true situation. Linking you to my FSA survivor list for more education and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Great points. Another type of invalidation is by "pin prick" using nitpicking behaviour. These are seemingly minor things said in conversation which can add up to 1000's over the years. You feel on egg shells during conversations. Trick questions and double binds. They ask you a seemingly innocent question such as 'where would you like to go for lunch'. It won't matter which restaurant you choose, they will always pick another one, even if you try to get ahead of their game and pick their favourite restaurant. There must be countless examples of 'invalidation by pin prick' lol.
That's a good point. This can especially be the case when dealing with an intellectual narcissist (versus a somatic narcissist).
Death by a thousand cuts. 👍
Wow this is exactly what I'm experiencing. It's happening with every single relationship in my life, I can't break free no matter how I try to stand up and say no. When I say I'm not comfortable with something being said, it doesn't matter and I'm gaslit to feeling I'm too sensitive. I can't get away, totally trapped in a relationship that's destroying me but I have lost all my confidence to escape.
I am very open about sharing your videos on facebook, as I know how terribly important it is to get such a clear message out there. My scapegoating has been lifelong and even continued in the community who was aware of my toxic family -- from people in paid public positions, to publicly funded institutions that are meant to serve the community, all with very narcisistic traits themselves. I eventually went to the police, as much of the earlier stuff was criminal in nature and I could never escape the effects as well as I am noew, since making that very validating decision.
I appreciate your sharing my videos, Kim. Are you already familiar with Dr. Jennifer Freyd (creator of the term/acronym DARVO) and her Center for Institutional Courage? Here's a link, if you want to check it out: www.institutionalcourage.org/
I relate 100%! It's the community that really hurts, they knew better but their bottom line was at stake. (In my case I say they knew better because multiple generations of my family have committed criminal acts are well known for it, so it kinda looks like people sacrificed the kid to stay safe themselves.) Maybe that's your experience, too?
Interesting, I have been tempted but my brother would take it as proof that I've taken it upon myself to have munchausen by proxy convincing myself i'm the scapegoat. EVEN THOUGH NOBODY IN MY FAMILY IS TALKING TO ME (and some of the aunts and cousins have been drafted in as footsoldiers and are also giving me the silent treatmen!)
So very helpful. After 68 years of living with scapegoating abuse, it nice to know I am not crazy, as my GC sister likes to tell me. Thank you so much!
Good to hear. “Crazy” is certainly a word that these types of dysfunctional families love to throw at the scapegoated child / adult child. I did an entire video on this, in fact.
I hear you. My twin is the golden child and completely invalidates me any time I mention the abuse. I stopped doing so. Stopped bringing it up. It's not worth it but it's so isolating when nobody has your back.
@@cindy7733I can relate.
I listened to this article again. And what happens mostly when a child is scapegoated and is called and seen by these groups as a lying child they stop telling their parent or their family system anything. They keep everything to themselves. They clam up and shut down. From outside bullying at school, from sexual abuse from wolves that pick up on this, from asking them any advice or questions about the world about life skills, to even stopping talking to them at all. This, of course, leads to feeling unsafe, isolated, apathetic, feeling ignorant, depressed, and shamed about themselves and a target. This happened to me at 12. But it started from a very young age. Children are curious. You can't stick them in an invisible straight jacket and expect positive results.. If the family system sees a child as bad because they are bored, then how could they ever learn how to survive and thrive? Its like a mystery you can never ever solve. And is where you stay stuck in the repetitive conditioning in which you have to prove something. For something You never did wrong. I, as many others went to the other side. I made it a self fulfilling prophecy. I proved them right and gave up on being good. Because no matter what i did, they already had defined who I was. Lord if they only knew just how much karma that treatment of me brought back to them. We must be careful how we treat our children. How we project our pain. There were many reasons for this secretive shoving aside of me. It showed up many years later on. It had to do with property and assets and power for my cousins. It was decided a very long time ago that some old adopted child was not as entitled as the blood. If my adopted father had lived, my mothers side never would have even mattered. Scapegoating has to do with greed. You can't understand it till you get older. The confusion is understood now. My uncle just passed. But I'm sure my Daddy was waiting. He was a good man and passed in 68. A heart attack from, Im sure, from the stress of that family.
So many powerfully made points in your comment here, Kay. And 'greed' can be for many things, including attention of a parent. Your sentence here: "You can't stick them in an invisible straight jacket and expect positive results." - Brilliant way to describe what I call the 'Gordian Knot' of the 'scapegoat narrative' (aka 'the double bind'). We will never unravel this knot - it is not possible. But we can pick up the sword of Truth, and slice through the (family) 'ties that bind'. I'd like to dedicate a video to the dynamics you describe so well here in your comment (we begin to hide many things from family / parents as we know we will not be believed). May I read your comment here in this video I'd like to do (I will not use your name)?
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Certainly. Anything you ever want to repeat, please do. Anything to help another person, of any age. I started this work on myself due to some anxiety I was seeing in myself 2 years ago. I wanted to know where it all came from. My goal is to show the results of growing up with this sneaky behavior of an adopted family and to retell what really was going with that family and the Real reason for the scapegoating. As in my favorite movie"Seize the Day", I aim to duplicate the damaging effects on a child, but from a woman's perspective. And I know how the ending would be. The biggest mistake that they'd made was that they had convinced themselves that I would never figure out why they acted that way in the first place. That I wasn't paying close attention. That I wasn't as smart as they'd hoped I wasn't. I appreciate your attention to my story. It means so much and is so helpful to me. I am the poster child of the scapegoated daughter of a very convincing character and Family. But you see, only recently would I ever refer to her as "a character". She's been gone for 8 years and I am in charge of her mentally challenged son's life. My goal is to understand just how important mental health is in a child's life. And to contribute to the world in a sincere, authentic, fulfilling way. Have a voice that matters that also helps my brother. Four generations I'm looking at here. And I'm not afraid of anything anymore. I've gotten to the root of alot of it. And you're right. You need a sword, not just a kitchen knife. One day I want to tell you about it. Maybe you could put it in your next book
Thank you for allowing me to share your comment. And what an amazing place to be: "Not afraid of anything anymore". One of the strange benefits of doing this work. I remember when being 'liked' - even by strangers - felt like a life or death matter to me when younger. Now I could care less. When we are living our truth, we understand what is truly ESSENTIAL...and what is not. And never was.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes. It all comes down to fear in one way or another. We want to stay clear of that playground. Old habits die hard too, don't they. We're just trying to break them. 😁
@@kaystephens2672 Thank you - and your rich and insightful comment here is appreciated!
I love the terminology that puts the onus on the abusers rather than on the abused. Traumatic Invalidation is exactly what the abusers did, and the term Identified Patient also makes so much sense. It's the difference between saying someone WAS SCAPEGOATED rather than saying they ARE a scapegoat.
Yes, the words we use to describe specific dynamics / processes are so very important. This is why I do my best to avoid using the 'scapegoat' label and instead use (from my original family systems research that was the basis for my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') 'family scapegoating abuse' (or 'FSA') adult survivor.
I’m the youngest. My brother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and I was witness to his frightening psychotic episodes from a very early age (seeing demons everywhere, thinking he was Jesus and tearfully, sincerely begging God not to crucify him). My narcissistic sister’s favourite gaslight to me is that I’m crazy and have no grasp on reality (usually when she wants to rewrite history where she was being cruel)… which I think is even more vicious considering our brother’s condition. She even went so far as to say, “Even your schizophrenic brother thinks you’re crazy.” I went no-contact with her many years ago.
Bravo to you for putting that negativity out of your life.
Expressing my thoughts or needs to others & being ignored is my love language. 👀
!!!
Yes, my mom was a narcissist. I was the oldest she made me feel inadequate all my life. She called me all kinds of names, even my sister got involved. She gave me nothing when she died and gave everything to my younger sister.
So very sorry to hear this. Leaving you nothing must have felt like another invalidating act on your mother's part.
I'm so sorry, thats cruel. Healing hugs to you.❤
Wow … this video had so many memories flood back to me through my life of my family of origin, both parents and siblings. Yes, and one involved a broken bone! I broke my finger at school and called my mother from the nurse’s office and she told me to go on to my classes and she would take a look at it when I got home. My teachers thankfully were sympathetic to my situation and none required me to do any work (writing) for the rest of the day. I was pleasantly surprised at how kind and understanding they were to me.
Another time, my mother took me to the optometrist after my teachers from school and piano teacher kept telling her I couldn’t see. I didn’t know these conversations happened. I overheard her telling a friend about this years later. She actually told her friend that she knew I was doing all this for attention and was prepared as soon as the doctor told her that my vision was fine, to take me home and spank me for putting her through all of that. But the doctor instead told her that my eyesight was incredibly nearsighted and had someone had my same eyesight with corrective lenses, then that would be considered legally blind. I was 8 years old. I do remember the day we went to pick up my glasses and I was so excited. We came home, I hopped on my bicycle, rode out of the driveway, and looking down the street I could actually see individual leaves on the trees that far away. It was as if I had entered a different dimensional world of vibrancy in every way. I was elated and when kids at school (usually boys) taunted me about my glasses and how I looked in them, I didn’t care because the gift of sight was far beyond anything they could say against them! I am 60 now and will always remember that ecstatic childhood memory.
At 9 I broke my tibia in a car accident (yes just remembered another broken bone!), and my mother was trying to get us out of the car (4 children) because she was afraid the engine might go into flames. She came around to my door and told me to get out and I told her I couldn’t move. I really couldn’t. She got very upset with me and asked couldn’t I see my younger brother was the one who was hurt? And he really was because his scalp was split when he flew into the windshield on impact. Blood was halfway down his shirt, and he was a toddler. By time she got around to my door (everyone was out but me) a small crowd had gathered, and she told me if I didn’t get out immediately then she would have to spank me in front of all those people. Thankfully a man emerged through the midst of the crowd, came up to me and scooped me out of the car. I felt he was an angel God had sent to rescue me at just the right moment.
I had other divine interventions with perfect timing that rescued me from similar situations. There have been times especially through my childhood when God made his presence known to me and was all I had, but it let me know that I did have someone. I have always been thankful for unexpected miracles of intervention in their perfect timing.
Dear susan, your comments made me very upset and teary, as I can relate to what you've been through. A big, warm hug, and I too am so glad and "thankful for all the unexpected miracles of intervention in their perfect timing."
Susan, I am so sorry to hear you went through such horrific experiences. Did you already watch my video, 'You're Faking It!'? This dynamic is a hallmark feature of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), per my FSA research.
Oh my gosh your story hits home! It's bewildering to me how some people can be so freaking cruel! I am so sorry for your pain and the maltreatment you were subjected to. Your mom was terrible! Hugs to the child within who suffered alone. 🫂🤗🥺💙
Hell was made for people like your mother.
Thank you for your work. God bless you! I am so blessed to have found your videos.
You are so welcome. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list in case you are seeking more support and education: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
So true, we were not allowed to be sick. I had rumetiod fever once and it affected my heart. No one believed me. Everyone laughed at me and said I was pretending. Today I get IBS everytime someone does not believe me.
You may want to watch this video of mine regarding being accused of faking illness, etc: ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
I was brought up by JW parents. Their policy is to invalidate any child who says they have been abused. If you don't have a witness then it did not happen. My parents mind set is exactly like the religion they support. They have no accountability, no conscience and will never ever say sorry about anything. My mother was always annoyed when we were ill or injured and was just left in bedroom for days feeling we had done something wrong. I am now 55 and it is only through comparing how I treat my own kids that it becomes shocking how disgusting my mom was to us. If I have ever upset or embarrassed my kids however small I always say sorry. My apologies are always a realization that I wasn't brought up properly. Thank God I have broken the cycle and deprogrammed the narcissistic behavior that I was taught. Thanks for helping. I have wonderful relationships with my children we all love each other very much and they understand what I went through.
Good to hear, Lisa. Sounds like you might relate to my videos, "You're Faking It!" as well as the recent one I released on the Narcissistic Martyr Parent Ploy.
I was brought up by Atheists who treated me exactly the same way. I am a JW and never treated my son the way I was treated- being the oldest of 6,the family scapegoat-physically,emotionally,psychologically & sexually abused by multiple family members. It is nothing to do with their religion or belief systems,it is a personality disorder and a lack of empathy & humanity. There are parents like this who are Catholic,Buddhists, Taoists, Communists,Evolutionists. It is a human affliction that sadly hurts the very people they are supposed to love. A lack of love and care for your offspring has to be the most unnatural form of parenting there is. Shame on any parent that scapegoats a child , it's a form of sadistic cruelty & torture.
I’m dealing with a new coworker in a new job where we have to work on a project together and he is so condescending and I have asked for help and worked on this directly to communicate with him and on Friday I ended up in bed full body pain with a big trauma response. Not being seen being mocked being talked over mansplaining. I am two years younger than him (58)and as he was part of hiring me he knows what’s on my résumé. I am more prepared and trained than he is. I have worked for months to try to strategize around this and we have the same supervisor. She took the seriously but now I find out she has not followed through on addressing it. Hence being in bed racked in pain. I’m done trying. And I ironically this is a mental health Peer Support training organization! The hypocrisy in these nonprofit is criminal
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Trauma is held in the body, as you may already know. Work situations can activate trauma symptoms which originated in childhood. You may want to watch this video: ruclips.net/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I do know that and I’ve worked with a somatic experiencing practitioner and done relational focusing. Boy when I read what I wrote I remember how acute that was. I did use what I was experiencing, and then another big response a couple days later as a jumping off point with my EMDR therapist and had two sessions with him that week.Some thing
coalesced at that second session that was a really important turning point for me. It seems to have stuck in someway like I worked on some core muscle. I’m so grateful for having such a skilled therapist. I’m loving being apart of that FB group BTW. Thx!! Plus the follow up. I’m getting more support from my supervisor and pushing through my work relationship with the knowing that “I matter“. Paying attention to what is triggering me and trying to mitigate my response because I am experiencing my coworkers absorbing feedback and my ideas. Even though its irritating to have to experience his own bluster, I have been able to work out some strategies and experience that if I voice he hears. It helps that he is not in a position to cause harm because there is a small staff, stakes are high on a project we’re doing so there’s not a lot of room for nonsense. He knows it. That helps me. It’s a good opportunity for me to push through really experience what it means to know I matter.
Yup, I’ve experienced traumatic invalidation. I’ve been told that I’m not included in on any family gatherings because they’ve chosen to drink alcoholic beverages when together & cursing daily. They know that I don’t care for it & It would make me feel very uncomfortable being with them. Hmm. Yes; I’m marginalized. My siblings have told me that they don’t believe I suffer from the problems I’m experiencing as really that bad. I’ve experienced being told I’m blowing things up out of proportion! Yup, I’ve experienced this since my youth, now I’m in my early 60s. I’m very very sensitive & have been told I’m just too sensitive for my own good. Ugh 😣!
I hope you read the article I linked to in the video description by my colleague Dr Erin Watson. It's a good one!
I always think my issues are never a big deal and that I'm just making it all up. But every time I take the ACE score it's about 7/10, meaning less than 10% of kids went through that. Kind of surprises me, as I've come to see all family dynamics and all relationships as terrible, disfunctional and pointless.
Not sure if you saw this 16 FSA signs video yet, but here it is, just in case. I go over these in my introductory book on FSA as well (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed): ruclips.net/video/OawUe8R5Ej4/видео.html
This happened to me with experiencing incest from my two Brothers and a male cousin while growing up. We also had a pedophile uncle that sexually molested at least 8 of us but nobody told the parents other than myself being the truth teller. I was met with complete denial of this ever taking place and that I was the trouble causer
So very sorry this happened to you. I mentioned in some videos here and in my book that at times a child is scapegoated as a means of being discredited by being labeled/called "crazy" and a "liar" so that if they ever tell anyone about the abuse they will not be believed and not viewed as a credible, reliable reporter. Happens more often than society would like to believe. In fact, this also happened to me.
Thank you for insights. My mother called me a liar since before I was 4. Was repeatedly told I'm too sensitive, I feel too deeply, want too much, etc. Felt unliked and unloved. Used to think "if people knew/saw the real me, they would not like me." Your book is enormously helpful, have taken that slow. What you share goes straight to the heart. There is not much out there on traumatic invalidation. Thank you for article posted. I still have issues asking for what I need or want. I have realized that defending or explaining is digging a hole. I focus on facts, not my feelings, however worry still that I may have shared too much. To everyone who has experienced this abuse, you are not alone! We are all connected. ❤
Good to hear from you and glad you feel helped by my book. Taking it slow is a good idea - it is brief, but dense. Many people have told me they have read it multiple times and still get new insights every time. Linking you to my resource page for FSA survivors in case you need more support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you!
Describes my childhood and teenage years.
My mother and grandmother were totally dismissive of my feelings, even refused to listen to me when I tried to tell my mother about older boys showing my very , very graphic pornography and even wanting to see my private parts, I was about 8 years old, they were about 12-14. Yet she wondered why I was inappropriately interested in sex, at such a young, and would act out what I saw with Barbie and Ken dolls and farm animal playsets.
My mother always allowed sibling abuse and bullying to go on for years, and other adult family members ( an aunt) to verbally and even physically hurt me.
I was definitely the Scapegoat and Black sheep, of a very toxic and dysfunctional family.
Glad you are now able to recognize this. I have no way of knowing, but narcissistic family dynamics may also have been at play, based on your description of the types of abuse you experienced. I do have a playlist on the home page of my channel here on narcissistic family scapegoating, in case you'd like to learn more.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse , thank you, and so glad I came across your channel.
I definitely believe there was some degree of Narcissism in that family, especially with my mother, grandmother and the Golden Child sister, who's younger than me
My mother and grandmother, had some sadistic and even what looked like sociopathic traits, they actually enjoyed watching me get hurt ( physically, emotional, and verbally abused) and would smirk and laugh. One of my aunt's had some of these traits, even though not related by blood. All of them are deceased. But my sister is EXACTLY like them, perhaps even worse, as she's a major liar and has gotten me in trouble with the family and her lies gotten me and my husband ( we are now divorced, again due to her lies and interference in our family) into serious trouble with Child Protective Services, with our youngest son, because he had medical and developmental issues.
I have been watching your videos, and they have been very helpful, although at times triggering of old memories of the abuse and toxicity I faced. Unbelievable how vile, disgusting and sadistic that so called "family" can be
Yes, sadly this can be true. And the only type of abuse where the abuse is diminished by society and we are told to stay connected to our abusers because "they're family". You may want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, to learn more about this form of abuse, which via my Family Systems research I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
Thanks for validating my invalidation!
Ha - well said, and you're welcome!
Thank you so much for sharing these videos!
Two different times during my childhood, I was sexually abused by extended family members (ganged up on by cousins) and on a different occasion by one of my father's friends. When I told my parents about the abuse, I was not believed and continued for my entire childhood to be exposed to those predators. I remember so vividly my dad saying "I don't believe that! Can we just talk about something else??" Additionally, my 4th grade teacher called me a liar when she asked why my face had a big gash, and I told her my mom threw broken glass at me. You know, sometimes when I recall these things I just cry for that little girl that was me. :-(
It's child abuse awareness month, but I think the world is full of people who really don't want to know. Don't bother them with this stuff that's such a downer. They will just wear a blue t-shirt in support of 'child abuse awareness'.
Sadly, your experience is typical of many FSA adult survivors, as evidenced by my client cases and my research on FSA (family scapegoating abuse). Glad you're here and thank you for sharing such a painful part of your story as a scapegoated child / adult child.
I'm so sorry you went through that. The couple of times I was attacked sexually, they shrugged it off, my sister even saying that I was "off making out with some guy" (a 23 year old to my 13 year old self - as if that was normal!), then, when I was in a real relationship with a really decent guy, they treated him like some lecherous monster, and forced us apart. Because it was "okay" for me to be actually molested / r**ed, cheated on, abused, mistreated, and treated like garbage, but not okay for me to be in a loving relationship with someone good and kind.
THAT is a real indicator of how they really felt about me.
I hear you and I believe you. Similar experiences. Too emotionally exhausted right now to write more but just wanted to say that you are not alone and I appreciate the courage it takes to write this out and share it
Cara dottoressa, la seguo dall'Italia🇮🇹 . Ogni sua parola da speranza al mio cuore spezzato💔
Sei il benvenuto qui e sono molto felice che tu abbia trovato le mie offerte su RUclips!
Hi Rebecca,
I have to smile at the timing of the videos you graciously share with us.
Just this morning in intercession prayer I ask the good Lord to show those of us who experience FSA and trauma how to "believe ourselves".
Our gut feelings, intuition, perceptions, and WHAT WE KNOW TO BE TRUTH.
As time goes on again and again I see to know that how I read a situation was accurate. Spot on. Hit the nail right on the head!
I read Dr Erin Watson article. Thank you for sharing that. I would like to know more about visualizing truth...a safer way of advocating for yourself.
Because in the last couple of weeks with 3 different-totally unrelated-people when I spoke TRUTH boy did I witness ugly reactions. In all 3 I looked at the situations and decided they each just told me who THEY are. I decided to believe what they "told me" about themselves.
There was a day I kept my mouth shut. Guess those days are over.
Thanks Rebecca! Your work is helping me so much. I have been around alot of people that do not validate what I have experienced in life in FSA and trauma from it all.
They don't have to understand. They can watch my backside as I walk away from denial and pretense on the new neural pathway in truth.
Have a great day, Jane.
Thank you for such an inspirational sharing, Jane - I am so pleased that my work on FSA and these videos continues to be helpful, and I'll let Dr. Watson know you found her article helpful as well.
The closer you get to God, the more demons your light will disturb. Pray on, love.
Wow, Jane, I celebrate you and your personal empowerment. I love the transformation you describe. I recognize you, being changed 'from glory to glory' and rejoice. We can be accompanied on our journey! You may be interested in a book by June Hunt called: Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes. It can be an antidote to the invalidation wound.
@@seachange2512 thank you for your kind words. I will add the book to my list. I like June Hunt.
Have a good evening. Jane
When I tried to speak to my sister about this,scenario! Described bellow, she started hystericaly screaming at me and from that day forth
turned her children against me!
What,I was trying to get clarity and support from her(as a sister)
Was my father and his entire familys rejection of me.
(Stepmom,3 half siblings)
My father and his family started to rejecting me after I moved to the same town.
When I asked him why,he replied that he felt the relationship was becoming incestuous???!!!!
I never understood his statement.
A therapist told me,this meant he was attracted too me.????
I never really understood this.
Me mentioning this trauma of mine, made her hysterical.
From being my father's and half siblings favourite.
To total rejection.
Where I was not welcome in the house.
(For no reason).
This continued forever starting in 1986
I was punished for mentioning what she did not want to hear!!!!
But I had to endure the experience.......
My sister invalidated my niece.
I witnessed my
niece having a full blown panic attack.
I tried to tell my sister the next day she said my niece was putting it on and acting
I do see this dynamic with clients and in my research on FSA - the 'golden child' is also actually being damaged by family dynamics, and the 'golden child' can become the 'scapegoat child', as your story affirms.
But why????
I was always the scapegoat in my mother's house with my sister.
My sister was a terrible bully.
She used to beat me up.
Starting fights.
She even Cut off my long hair.
She was older,bigger and cleverer.
I remember when I was 5 she 8.
She got me too carry this empty bag Into the shop and shoveled it full of sweets.
She then went with me too the counter and payed for 1 sweet.
If we had got caught all the blame would have fallen on me.
I take this scenario as symbolic of the abuse that would continue our whole lives .
I was always to blame,she was a high achiever.
Maybe on the spectrum playing musical instruments and reading books from age 4.
All I ever wanted was a friend.
For some reason I was a rival from day 1.
I always took the blame
FSA has had profound, disabling affect on my entire being.
@@carissavonmayer2070 Scapegoating of this nature occurs most often in highly dysfunctional, traumatized family systems, or in narcissistic family systems. I do cover this in my book and on videos here. Sounds like in your case the scapegoating was severe.
This rings true with artists whose love of art is looked down upon and discouraged even into late adulthood even if they are successful at it. My grandfather was a successful graphic designer who started at the local college-level art academy at 15 and was never given credit for going to college or graduating from high school. Personally, whatever I wanted to do that fit my talents and likes was always discouraged. This hit some nerves. (There is a lot of jealousy among siblings that causes a lot of invalidation.)
Yes, that’s a good point. I know of many creative types who have experienced these same scapegoating dynamics.
I relate to your comment. My dad made fun of me wanting to be a graphic artist, a Teacher or a language Interpreter. I love languages & learning languages. When you have no encouragement in your areas of talent, it knocks your confidence as a teenager. I became extremely withdrawn & depressed around 14yo. It has taken decades for me to realise I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to, and that we can give our parents opinions about things, much more importance than they ever deserved.
@@joeythebushkangaroo1 you expressed that better than I could for myself. Peace & Thanks.
Most valuable channel on the internet possibly.. I just spent a long weekend with whole family. I have a lot of cousins I adore and always have. I have withstood the most heinous evil cruel humiliating shit just to see family. I mostly avoid all family much of my life but... I really wanted to see everyone. I will now spend the next several days healing after. The absolute reversal to who I am and what I have achieved but flooding of kindness and sweetness toward everyone else even strangers is the cruelest and most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. Nobody has literally EVER understood it and they always think I must have done something to deserve it. I spent much of my life secretly feeling like shit no matter what I accomplished or did in my life. I am honest and hard working and people adore me- in my family and yet I get treated like there is something suepr wrong with me. Abusers are evil. I can't even pray for them anymore. They need their own special place in hell.
Its really a curse to have an insensitive and violent mother. It never changes. It gets worse. Remove yourself from all and any destructive persons. Go on in life alone. You'll be better off, trust me.
And so tragic that children do not have the option to leave; and nobody will likely recognize and/or act to protect the child from these forms of insidious, psycho-emotional abuse.
When I made the Dean's List after missing the entire 4 years of High School as the identified patient, I was told, Well, lots of people make the Dean's List, it's not that big of a deal. It's hilarious now. But 30 years ago, it was extremely painful and invalidating. They have a way of stunting the normal one's growth, while putting the loser GC's on a pedestal and paying for them financially. Now that we're all over 50, I call the GC children, the narc's karma because in the end, the narc ends up bound to Loser/Users for life. I'm NC, but I'm going to guess none of the selfish offspring are going to comfort the elderly on their death beds. I share your work with others. 💜
Your comment is brief, but powerful. I hope many take the time to read it. Thank you for sharing my work on FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thanks to warriors like you, I've come to realize my purpose is sharing my 63 years of Frontline experience to help others get out faster!! You are appreciated!! Namaste :-)
When I was about 13 years old I was riding my bike down a big hill near my house. It was big and steep enough that you could get some pretty decent speed up. I was pedaling rapidly when my foot slipped from the pedal and landed on the pavement directly in front me - gripping onto the road and slamming my lower leg into the pedal. When I came to a halt I saw an inch-deep dent above my ankle, with a hunk of what looked like chicken meat hanging out of it. Not much blood. I hopped to the nearest house and asked them to call my parents, which they did. My house was about a 2 minute drive from where I sat, but do you know how long my parents took to come and take me to the ambulance station? 45 minutes. They sat and chatted for 45 minutes. When my father finally arrived the look on his face when he saw the injury and realized that an outside person was witnessing his abuse/neglect was telling. He had no concern for me, only his appearance. I ended up having to go to hospital to have the injury tended to as it was too serious for the ambulance station to deal with. But that was the norm for them - a psychotic narcissist Jehovah's Witness father, and an alcoholic co-dependent mother - it's a wonder I got out of there alive.
A tragically powerful example of what I discuss in another video (linking you to it here), and why I often emphasize how family scapegoating can lead to the medical negligence of a child / adult child. ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
You are brilliant. Sorry that you personally experienced family scapegoating. Thank you for helping others.
You're welcome, Loretta - and thank you. Glad you're here.
This is horrible. I'm going through this right now
So very sorry to hear it. Glad you're here.
Every time I answer a message on a work group I spiral in anxiety, anticipating that things could unexpectedly become a trip to hell, in the form of attacks, mockery, deformations of my words, etc. I think it´s a trigger.
Groups of any type can be very difficult for FSA survivors and there are reasons for that. I touched on this in a very early video but I think I'll hit on it more fully and will address issues such as you mention here, thanks for the inspiration - but sorry this happens to you!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I´m so glad to share, thank you for addressing this topics with your videos
I feel this so much. My family made me feel like every move I made was a massive misstep, no matter how trivial or inconsequential the action was. It was true crazy making and has affected every aspect of my life.
For me this is one of those abuses that was so constant it was impossible to distinguish from normal and healthy, just everyone's personalities. At lower level traumatic abuse was the idea that I was "negative" while the golden children (2) were "positive" or so afraid of conflict that all they could ever do is please please please. What I saw was extreme denial and a person who stuffed her anger in such unhealthy ways as she's suffered an obvious eating disorder and addiction her entire life and has given up on intimate relationships with anyone. The denying sibling imitated my parents' life to such accuracy that she's hardly made an important life decision on her own terms down to ridiculous detail but was so praised as to believe she is the favorite of the world. (I do have another sister who goes in and out of seeing, but she is currently committed to supporting the golden children for many reasons.) At higher level traumatic invalidation when I divorced my husband any dishonesty and abuse of his I reported was a lie - somehow everything was my fault mostly for the child centered way I parented my children that the family fond obnoxious. All my x's abuses were public and continued to his next spouse - this didn't change the party line.
I have children who have disabilities that I have worked to address basically on my own because my family thinks I am making a big deal of problems that will solve themselves (one child born blind (hard to deny but she'll figure it out), one with PTSD from sexual assault (we don't talk about that, it will go away), one with bipolar disorder since high school (which I was imagining and we sure don't talk about that), and one with severe dyslexia (can never seem to remember this.) The school system didn't work for all of them so I homeschooled three of them. Along the way I've received no real assistance from their father (joins in he belief that the best parents let their children solve their own problems) or my extended family for any aspect of parenting despite the wonderful "wagon circling" family I was told I'm part of.
Their narrative is that the challenges my children have are either made up by me or even my fault. (The concepts of crime, trauma, and genetics mean nothing to them.) Despite their challenges, my children are doing well - one with a Ph.D, a professor, one with a thriving delightful young family, and the younger ones with good educations and solid careers. This, of course, has nothing to do with me. So, yes, once again, Rebecca hits the mark for me and, I see, so many below. We are not crazy but we sure have survived crazy situations.
The resilience I see in so many FSA adult survivors never ceases to amaze me. Here's to our thriving - not just surviving. And what a wonderful outcome for your children, thank you for sharing this with us.
Challenges are either made up or my fault… wow I relate! Your love for your children (now grown up) is awesome and your strength to do what you know is right by them despite your family and ex. Thanks for sharing. I bet there’s a higher than average rate of home schoolers amongst us and other ways we’ve chosen what works rather than conformity born from fear and dependence on others approval.
I watch a lot of your videos and this is the first one that brought me to tears because it was so so dead on. Thank you for understanding exactly how we feel. It means the world. I was molested by my cousin Chad as a small child and at 41, I'm having to reface some of those demons due to a family wedding. It's not going well. I've tried to speak with the mother of the perp (my aunt) and she STILL thinks I made it all up all these years later. Just insane. My choice is to cut that cancer from my life and because it's my aunt (my mom's sister) my mom wants me to make peace which is so so unhealthy. Chad even reoffended in 2015 and my aunt even blamed THAT VICTIM as well! Her level of denial is unheard of.
You're very welcome, and thanks for letting me know. I'm glad that this video seems to have helped you feel profoundly validate - you deserve this. You may already have my resource list - which includes links to my book and my new Substack for FSA survivors - but including it here just in case: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for the book list! Currently reading your book Rejected Shamed & Blamed. ❤️🩹
@@CoffeeClutchingCatLady Great to hear!
Ms. Rebecca, thank you from the bottom of my heart. When I found your videos....severe issues were going on. The entire story is true!
I refuse to be silent any longer, they should prepare for their lives to radically change. Now it's time for justice!
Multiple people came to me and said when they finally met me, they saw I was nothing like the family rumors. They all eventually chose the abusers in the end though.
I'm just here to say I finally blocked my sister's number on my phone. She told me today that the reason she and my siblings are still friends with my abusive ex 25 years after our divorce is because they believe I "embellished" all the bad things that led to our divorce.
Ouch. That hurts. You may be interested in my article here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2021/04/24/divorce-and-covert-abuse-when-your-family-sides-with-your-ex-part-one/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I actually read that a while ago, but I definitely need to give it a re-read. I don't know why I'm so shocked by this revelation. Of course they thought I made up everything and he's the hero. And of course the whole family is in agreement about it, and of course they have been rehashing this recently behind my back. I have been putting off going full no-contact because our (narcissist) mother is in hospice. But I think it's time regardless. I have no plans to attend the funeral or participate in the arrangements.
So very sorry to to hear you are going through all this. Linking you to a list of resources, which includes my book in which I discuss all this in detail: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you so much, Rebecca. Just having a place to come where we are understood and feel validated means everything. I have your book and read it over the holidays. But you know how it is; healing is not a linear process, and sometimes we move backwards. I have six siblings, and most of us were getting along pretty well until the last 18 months when we lost our dad and our mother's narcissism got much worse. Everyone is back into their old childhood roles, and we're in our 50s and 60s! I am the oldest, and I think my siblings have transferred a lot of resentment of my mom onto me, with my mother reinforcing that scapegoat role.
The death of a parent breaks the family homeostasis and then the you-know-what can hit the fan. We know this within the field of Family Systems. I discuss this phenomenon a bit in this video here, in case you missed it: ruclips.net/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/видео.html
Great topic! I've experienced invalidating in all forms and now can understand the truth is really the only way and my beliefs and understanding have came with devastating consequences mostly to everyone I've walked away from and there lack of understanding and brings out the devil. But I'm standing in my truth based on knowledge, wisdom, and intuition. I believe that's the most solid foundation thus far. Truth will indeed set you free and see things for what they really are. My what a sticky web.. Rebecca thanks again!
You're welcome, Jim. Keep trusting and following...
Wow - I am becoming estranged right now. I am glad I found your channel. I have been Invaladated from childhood. I had an antfarm - a litte girl shook it (I told her not to) it killed the ants and my mother blamed me for being upset. Now my nephew stabbed my brother with an Icepick and got mad at me and wont talk to me. These are just two examples for me. I am removing myself (I have no other family) the best part is they will have to find someone else to play their reindeer games. Thank you Rebbeca I feel better knowing I am not to blame or crazy.
You may want to read this article I wrote on 'DARVO' - I mention it in my introductory book on family scapegoating abuse as well (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). Critical concept / process to be aware of: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2022/01/07/darvo-when-the-abused-are-revictimized-by-their-abuser/
Managed off and on, and chronic pain since childhood. Was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, Congenital Cervical Spinal Stenosis, and other chronic health issues including immunocompromised due to medication I have to take for the rest of my life..... I am also high risk of COVID, even a cold can land me in the hospital...... MIL spread rumors to in-laws, my husband and son I was faking the chronic pain, even after I was medically diagnosed. She even lied and told them I am not really taking Immunosuppressants, which was traumatic during the pandemic. Went No Contact, and currently in trauma therapy.
I was never acknowledged for anything. I've recently gone no contact with my dad and before I left I said you can't even be happy for me that I have 15 years Sobriety, he said it wasn't his problem I was an alcoholic, he drinks red wine at 11am till he goes to sleep, such denial.
So often this is the case. Denial - and projection.
Wonderful and very validating video! I’m a new subscriber- thank you
Welcome - Glad you're here. Linking you to a resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Yep, kidney infections and kidney stones at 5 years old that never got medical attention. To this day, I have kidney problems due to years of ignoring the condition.
Very sorry to hear this. You will want to watch this video of mine as well ("You're Faking It!"): ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
My mom went through this starting from her mother, to her husband, then her 4 kids out of 6. my brother and I were the only ones that saw what was going on probably cuz the both of us were scapegoats too.
There were two golden children. my dad's was my youngest brother and my mother and grandmother's was my oldest sister.
Our family is full of dysfunction.
You're right when your parents die, it doesn't end.
Before my dad died he told me I should never have been born. And all this was my mom's fault cuz she wanted so many kids.
My mom was always accused of faking her bad health.
On her death bed my middle brother had the audacity to ask her if she was really dying.
Two of my brothers disowned my mom and me. After they got married.
My two sisters moved, to get away from the hell.
My oldest brother died at 36 of an overdose.
And now my youngest son is treating me and his dad the same way as everyone in my extended always treated us.
It doesn't stop there, they got all relatives hating us too.
Every video I watch of yours, I nod in agreement all throughout. I put my family out of my life seven years ago and have never been happier. I never realized how toxic they are/were until I moved away. I'm 64 now and so grateful I've finally been able to find peace of mind. It's difficult not regret all those years but I remember how I'm doing right now and it's better late than never.
Yes, very true. I've had people write me who are in their very senior years who felt the same way. As one woman wrote me, "I'm in my 80s and my family is all gone but I finally understand what happened to me and I can die in peace."
I'm finally understanding the dynamic that shaped me. My narc mother was always negligent towards me compared to the other kids. The septicimia, illness, broken back(!) Was invalidated until I almost died. It continued throughout my life, but I had external validation to compare my experience at home to, and knew my home life was screwed. But a lifetime of being called a liar, insulted, abandoned finally broke me at 36. And I made the mistake of moving in with her, with my 4 children. In the end she cost me my daughter, and my sanity.
Thank you, for the first time, there it is, there is the dynamic that formed me. I'm doing a lot better since she cost me my home and I had to move far far away. She can't really h me and I don't answer her calls. I'm finally sleeping better and the nightmare dialog is slowing down.
My advice - cut them off, get out, stay away!!
Thank you !
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us. I did do a video here about being accused of “faking” injuries and illnesses. Search on “You’re Faking It,” it should come up.
I so appreciate the research/work you've done on FSA. Thanks for bringing out in the light. The irony about traumatic invalidation is this - the actual liar is calling you, the honest one, a liar. How "crazy" is that?
Up is down and down is up in these families that scapegoat.
Jeezzzz.......makes you wonder how so many of us survive our childhoods..... and they call the species 'humanity'!!!! Some not so human. The strength of the spirit I suppose gets us through, thank you God. Haunts you for the rest of your life, it's always in the background lurking. Nice outfit Rebecca... green is a very healing colour. Thank you. x
You're welcome. Glad you're here! Linking you to my resource list in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Your channel is very informative and has helped me a lot in my journey.
Great to hear! Thanks 😊
I can rarely look people in their eyes when I am speaking to them because I feel too much stimuli and an unable to clearly think about what I am saying. Now this video has explained exactly why I have had this response all my life.
Glad it was helpful.
Look to see the color of their eyes which will help you to focus your attention & distract from your anxiety. I taught myself to do this as a teenager.
Thank you, Rebecca, for another momentous video and Dr. Watson's assay (I could underline her whole paper). For a long time, I felt triggered and re-traumatized when others minimized my experience. I kept thinking "Being mind-fvcked hurts.", but I couldn't find any information on why it did. Like many emotionally abused victims, I thought it was just me. It was in Dr. Marsha Linihan's books on DBT that I first learned about the effect of invalidation. Dr. Janina Fisher's book discussed the compromised left and right brains integration in child abuse victims. I wonder if traumatic invalidation is also related to left/right brain integration. 'Know our truth' feels like a right brain thing, while the false scapegoating narrative is a left brain thing. Scapegoating keeps the 2 brains in constant conflict, and invalidation prevents the integration. Are there research being done on the neurological effect of scapegoating and invalidation?
That is a powerful way to view the inner conflict of the FSA target / adult survivor. Worth exploring in a future video. The 'scapegoat narrative' of course affects brain development when the child is young, and will also keep the amygdala in a state of 'high alert' so that also needs to be factored in. I did have some former students of Dr. Jennifer Freyd contact me - they are currently doing peer-reviewed research on family betrayal and they were interested in my work on FSA. Slowly, empirical validation is emerging - but this only confirms the reality and 'lived experience' that all FSA adult survivors know far too well.
❤ thank you so much for your service to all of us paradigm breakers.
Love this concept, and thank you for being here.
Yes, this is what I experienced.
I had a sore throat when I was a teenager. So strong that it was very difficult to swallow saliva every time. I went to bed because I could hardly handle it. My mother and sister and brother all laughed at me. 'Cause I'm in bed with a little sore throat and I would just faking it.
I went to the doctor alone. He found that a cist had blocked my throat.
He said I could have died soon.
If the swelling had closed.
He sent me to the hospital for emergency surgery.
I didn't understand why my family just laughed at me.
The invalidation was chronic. Yes it is true.
It's good to have that confirmation.
By describing the nature of the abuse. And the resulting psychological consequences.
Thank you.
Sotchil, you'll want to watch this video of mine, if you haven't already. This sort of assumption that the scapegoated child / adult child is not as sick as they actually are, etc, is a hallmark feature of this type of abuse (what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' / FSA. Watch this video I did on this phenomenon via this link - I also do mention this in my book (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
Your empathy for us is so important Rebecca. Thank you.
My privilege to be here with all of you.
I would love to know the stats on empath/truthtellers and adhd. Thank you for these videos. I hope I can start from here and become the person I was meant to be before the trauma. I have a covert narcissistic mother and and alcoholic rage fuelled father but to my siblings he was a 'fun social drinker'
That's a good question to consider. There is a relationship between complex trauma and ADHD, btw.
I'm ADHD & the truth teller, Empathy. Oldest child that knows all the family secrets so I must be a liar too. My abusive parents caused such division with jealousy & obvious favoritism among us children and it has totally wrecked any chance of us all keeping in contact after their deaths.
If you ask each child if there was favouritism in the family the favourites will say there wasn't any,the non favourites will give names,lol.
I have to go testify against my step dad in a month in order to protect my niece during a custody battle. I was abused in every way by that man but somehow an abuser has more worth than me in my families eyes cause they invalidate me and what he did to me. They took the abusers side. I was scapegoated cause I was the only one who wasn’t his biological kid. Absolute hell.
So very sorry you are going through this. Did your court testimony go well?
Completely sickening. I hope you are victorious but if you’re not, just understand that the system is also engaging in the same abuse your family did so the likely outcome is for them to side with the abuser. You tried.
"Traumatic invalidation" there is so much packed into those words... a really great description of my whole life.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you read my colleague Dr Erin Watson's article on traumatic invalidation, linked in the video description here.
I had terrible acne as a teen. My mothers face was horribly scarred from acne in her childhood.
Classmates would ask me if I had the “measles”. I was so self conscious - nothing topical I bought worked.
I don’t know how I figured out what a Dermatologist was but I, by myself, made an appointment. He told me this was a bacterial type van of acne and prescribed antibiotics. I could pay the doctor and afford the pills.
Within one month my skin was was amazingly improved, eventually it was nearly cleared up.
My mother invalidated my feelings when I would cry because of my face. She said “it’s not that bad - you’ll probably grow out of it”.
She never took it upon herself to care enough to get me just that little bit of help.
From then on I knew I was on my own when it came to personal and self help.
Sounds like your mother may have been repeating a toxic family pattern, and you paid the price. Glad you sought out the help you needed, but a hard lesson to learn when young.
So true, ma'am. And so unknown. I took care of my parents until they died, hands on, even living with me to the end. I took care of my husband while he died and doctors were trying to kill him. Yet my whole life I have been chopped liver. This is a right indication to me and that is very powerful. Thank you.
You're very welcome. I've used that term myself before (chopped liver) along with 'road kill'. The pain is overwhelming. But it can get better. I hope you tune into my video on FSA healing tomorrow. Linking you to my list of FSA adult survivor resources in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I only just found out a week ago that scapegoating is a recognised family dynamic. I recognised my mother was narcissistic a few years ago. For decades I denied what she was doing to me was abuse....and I was her scapegoat.
My siblings have gone on to make me their scapegoat too. I am to blame for all their problems and shortfalls. One sister suggested the only reason she had an extensive criminal record was because I was giving the Police sexual favours to arrest her. I must be good... 😂
I now recognise the Traumatic Invalidation throughout my life. When I had glandular fever as a child, my mother dismissed my complaints about being unwell, saying I was watching too much TV. When I sued the defence force for sexual harassment my mother said I obviously did something to deserve it. When my ex-husband punched me and broke my ribs....she said I obviously did something to deserve it...
I struggle with imposter syndrome but have pushed through and am finally doing my Masters degree much to my sisters' condemnation.
It's all making sense now. Thank you.
You're welcome. Here's my resource list in case you're seeking more information and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Thank you so much for putting a name of "family scapegoat abuse ""!! That's ME to a nutshell!! Felt so invalidated and to this day still fill invalidated in my dysfunctional family!!! I finally am able to see it for what it was!! I hope you see more of your videos on this most needed topic! Thank you!!❤
You're welcome, Deborah. I hope you have subscribed. I have a few playlists on the homepage of my channel here; there are FSA recovery affirmation videos at the bottom you might like. Also, consider reading my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. It might provide some new insights and fill in some missing puzzle pieces.
I was always told that I was a hypochondriac, if I was sick but not running a fever. I rarely run fevers, but was certainly sick and having symptoms. The GC would hit myself and middle sibling, then go tell parents that we were bullying her, then stand there smirking as we were yelled at.
We explained that she was lying, and I recall being told, "It doesn't matter," as the scolding of us older kids continued. Yet the middle child and I were truthful, as we were always told that we would be punished twice as harshly if we lied. There were countless, crazy-making double standards.
Yes. I have always had imposter syndrome.
I have a video here called "You're Faking It!" You might want to watch it.
I’m the oldest of four children. I am the angry scapegoat which started around the age of six. My youngest sister took on the role of the monster that was my mother after she died. The oddest incident that I experienced was 8 years ago. My daughter, my sister and I had just pulled up to a restaurant and I had driven there. It was a very windy day and while I was getting out of the car a gust of wind caused my car door to slam shut only my face blocked it . A sharp corner of the car door hit my head right under my brow and within seconds my face was covered in blood.
I knew that I had to go to the hospital. I didn’t want to know the extent of the cut and I kept my hand over my eye. My sister, the golden child and now the matriarch told me to move my hand and after doing so she scorned me for being overly dramatic.
My daughter was very upset but it didn’t matter to my sister.
This happened when I was in my mid fifties my sister was in her mid forty’s.
“ you’re not hurt that badly!” she kept insisting as the blood kept flowing. “ You just need to go into the bathroom and wipe the blood off and apply pressure “
I guess my survival instinct had kicked in and I ……… i actually begged for her approval to go to the hospital …… reluctantly she gave in and drove me there.
The cut required 5 stitches. Plus pain medication.
I missed a day of work and had to wear a large bandage and gauze over my eye for a week.
And even after that my sister insisted that anyone else would have simply done as she had first suggested.
This incident would add verification to my being a “ drama queen “ which she shared with my other siblings.
Me too, but the worst invalidation happened later, when I unknowingly married a narcissist who put me down and gaslit me to the point of my having a breakdown.
"We go to what we know" - And sometimes this is due to early conditioning and trauma bonding with an abusive family member (often a scapegoating parent). I just wrote an article about this, by the way - you can subscribe to my Substack for free to read it: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/how-trauma-bonding-impacts-adult