@@lindsaydiscovers9842 I am so very sorry. I know how devastatingly painful this is at such a young age. It truly sounds absolutely ludicrous as an adult to hear such insane thinking. We are sponges when we are that little. I pray for your healing.
This is a life changing video. Tying the "projected" shame to the abandonment/attachment wounding is so profound. If we do not have to "OWN" the shame, then we no longer need to "OWN" the abandonment/attachment wounding so we can connect to our healthier selves.
Scapegoats have always been innocents. They were chosen to calm down pagans gods so they never picked the cripple ones but the best ones. You were probably chosen because of your good traits and qualities.
I received a text from my older sister today. I noticed it took me about an hour to get back to the projects I had planned on completing. I used to blame myself telling myself I was off my game plan because I was procrastinating. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I woke up this morning excited about my day. I knew I needed a reminder of being the scapegoat to stabilize me. Thank you for posting stabilizing truths since it is now 7 hours later, I noticed I am still not fully in my body.
I am the scapegoat in my family. My mother was so abusive. She would go through cycles of lovebombing then rage it was neverending. She would beate with curtain rods as a child and lock me in a room for weeks at a time. Im older now and its mental abuse that she dishs out now. In the public eye everyone thinks shes normal but shes not. She incredible at faking and manipulation. I gave her up for good 3 months ago and i hope i mever see her again i hate her. Im so bitter at the way ive been treated i just hope karma catchs up to her. She would always say mean and personall things to try to trigger me then she plays the victim. Its absolutely disgusting. People tell me your supposed to love ur mother no matter what she does. They need to walk a mile in my shoes then try to say that. She spreads terrible lies about me. People believe her because shes covert and they dont realize what she is. Im gonna be honest i want revenge. I hate her more than anyone on the planet.
I totally get this. My story is similar in some ways. An abusive mother who wanted a girl. I was scapegoated for being a boy. She was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. She later blamed me for her mental breakdown and hospitalisation for weeks, when I was 10. Father never intervened/ protected me. My younger sister is now trying to scapegoat me but I'm wiser now. Thanks for all this education / learning that has opened my eyes to what has been going on
Totally get it. Yeah we can say we forgive and even pray for these demons. But I like your honesty. I too want some type of revenge on my narc mom. But i will say the longer Im no vontact with her and her flying monkeys the easier it is (or has been for me) to let go. And realize they deserve no more of your energy
It's better to use your energy to work on your healing but I understand how you feel. I don't believe in either karma nor justice but I think my life deserves me giving myself what I was always denied. I don't think I could live without remorse; I'm not like my psycho mom.
They will reject you, so they don't have to feel like the rejected one anymore. it's such a mind bend..to think anyone could just as easily choose to break the cycle for something painful they themselves went through.
I was definitely meant to see this. It seems like my family is discouraged I haven't relapsed on alcohol and rebuilt my life in the last year a half. Thank you ❤
Dear Candace, i heard you ,your speech perfectely resonates with my experience also. Today i am much more conscious of what happened in my life. My life was full of pain until very recentely even though i have married a wonderful man almost 30 years ago. I see myself into what you are saying. My mother had a lot of power during my life and i think she managed to influence everybody´s oppinion about me, but i think my true , honest , intelligent ( sorry the lack of humility) approach to life had an effect on everyone around me which didn´t help my feeling that i belonged with them either. they found me a stranger either. Today my mother is very old. those still alive have already understood what type of person she is and her power has gone. I still love her and want the best for her. I did not use ilicit substances in my life and it was only spirituality that helped me leave pain behind. Today i feel proud of my journey even thought it had some very difficult moments. Please take good care of you also.
My family does this to me still, but it was fairly subtle so it was only at 47 when I asked them to stop casually and lazily labelling me sensitive and paranoid that everything BLEW UP. My mother wouldn't accept that maybe they could all stop that, she went the other direction. She was the *victim* of my request. So she martyred up and gave me the silent treatment. It took me a few years to realise that this reaction is just more of the same. ie, originally, she disguised the fact that she hadn't the patience or the empathy to listen to me when I was upset with the perfect way to disguise that labelling her daughter ''sensitive'' and ''emotional'' and ''dramatic''. It always bothered me though. Fast forward in to the present and I see now, after some thought (incl therapy) that now, she disguises her defensiveness and her inability to resolve conflict by calling her daughter ''aggressive'' and ''entitled'' and every version of mad/bad/sad. It's just always a version of this. She will disguise her own shortcomings by telling me that I am x, y or z. And my father backs her up 100% and my brother kiiiiind of gets it but is still annoyed with me for not just buckling under. ACCEPT THE REGIME basically. I should get hihm a a t-shirt for christmas with ''I accepted the regime'' on it.
One day tell her you're tired of extending patience and charity to her bad behavior. That you understand her bad behaviors are because of her own fears and inadequacies, but enough is enough. That you always felt sorry for her and tried to help her, but she's not getting any better. And if Golden Child brother thinks that you should just keep eating her shiz, then go No Contact with Mom. Within a week she'll be dumping on and undermining Golden Boy. He can suck it up for a change.
Wow I was the scapegoat I was always always called weird. I was told I was weird from a child into an adolescent and then to a young adult that I just didn't belong. It got so abusive I had to go no contact my sister is The Golden child who could do no wrong but the most abusive person hurt anger and rage will make the devil himself proud. Real quick when my dad had a family restaurant I worked with my sister who was horribly abusive I was visually impaired I lost my vision at 24 and the screams that she would make to me she would look at me and our eyes with water with hate she would bite her fist till she drew blood and punched the wall because I wasn't physically able to read the tickets to make the sandwich. My father who when he was died I wasn't even told and I was told I wasn't welcome at his funeral. . One of the workers there who was criminal my sisters friend whose husband bought the restaurant. When the place was a week before being sold to them. Knowing that I'm visually impaired legally blind they actually ordered a salad and put nickels dimes quarters pennies in it so I would break my teeth and choke. My dad and mother knew about this and what did they do they went to the girls wedding they honored her they hugged her and kissed her and gave her money When I told my dad if he wants to honor a criminal who tried to hurt me don't call me your son he told everyone that he's disinheriting me and made himself out to be the victim. . It was so bad growing up I was sexually molested by a stranger I felt so violated I went to the police and I had to put the person in jail at my testimony put this child molester in jail who molested. When I asked my dad why he never said anything when I was going to court when it was so degrading as a teenager being told by a public defender for the guy who molested me that I was a prostitute and a hustler trying to make me look bad at the age of 13. My mother said I was the embarrassment my birth father said you knew what you were doing and you put yourself in that situation. But you hit a nerve when you said weird because that was the word I was called my whole life I remember even probably get a different haircut or something my mother would tell me cut your hair short diet black and shave off your mustache. Healing and surviving speaking to you as a survivor and not a victim. With love and peace Bobby Criniti
"too much power too soon." Yes i was given way too much power . Neither of my parents or grandparents had any real parenting tools. They looked to me for everything. I'm 60. I'm living w my mother. I dont keep family secrets.
God bless all of us who have experienced this very hurtful situation! It is an indescribable pain to be hurt by those you only try to love and please! Those that are supposed to love and protect you…Instead they try to destroy and actually hate you!
That’s an excellent point you made about boundaries (4:44) It explains why I would set boundaries but removed them shortly afterwards, over and over in my past. Thank God I overcame failing to keep strong boundaries, “I’m more than a conqueror” through Christ Jesus! ❤❤❤
Actually the scapegoat is the only one in the group that has a sense of individuality and is trying to live THEIR lives, while everybody else is trying to maintain the status quo. And that is exactly the problem.
If you have been scapegoated you might try to find reasons. Mine were: being the middle child, being blond like my aunt (who was prettier than my malignant mother), having a strong sense of justice, being the true teller, being the empathetic one, and so on but let's not forget that envy is their main emotion due to their masked insecurity. That means that you have traits and qualities they lack and that's enough for them to hate you. We have been so abused and brainwashed we can't see what they covet and can't have. It can be anything: your creativity, your inteligence, whatever. Also, they need fuel and they can't manage their emotions. If you have siblings, they have been programmed to bully you so they don't get bullied. Some scapegoats call themselves "chosen ones" but I don't like it, I guess because religion was also used by them to "sacrify me" and I don't see the point on using religion in a way that it seems narcissistic to me but don't forget the concept of scapegoat comes from pagans cults when the most innocent were sacrified (never the old, the ugly, the chaman or the chieftain) but people believe that if someone treats you bad is because you were the cause. In reality we were and are not the cause but the effect of their unbearable self hatred.
My father blamed me for issues he had with my mother, (because of his family). He just thought it would be convenient to blame a 14 year old kid and their mistakes for shit that two adults couldn't sort out. He changed the story so beautifully to say you tried sabotaging our relationship. They both rejected me for no reason.
I believe you. They didn't have the guts either to work things out or were too proud to admitt they made a mistake. I have met a girl who was scapegoated because the mother got pregnant and his father was forced to marry her in order to avoid both families to be shamed by people.
Thank you . Candace you always support me thru your eloquent words. On behalf of all mothers who wound I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
I really relate to this although i was not my narc mothers scapegoat - my older sister was. But i became my sisters scapegoat because of it. I cannot have a relationship with my sister because she has repeated this pattern of our mother’s by scapegoating me. She does not do this to our brother or anyone else. Just me. Thank you for this video 💖
I was the oldest child in my family and also the empath. I always was and still am the scapegoat. It was damaging to my self esteem. My parents used my kids to control and isolate me. Then they beat me threw me out and wouldn't let me take my kids. They turned my kids against me and told everyone I abandoned my kids. I went into abusive marriages. I now have cptsd/ptsd crippling anxiety, and my kids won't talk to me.
I feel like I'm ignored. I'm not exactly bullied but yeh, feel ignored. I took mobility to a workplace nearer my house recently (same employer) and within weeks they had me doing online applications only, so no reason to interact with colleagues anymore. I felt very scapegoated. I'm sure other people would have felt it less but it played in to all of my wounds. I am on a list to start again in another location as soon as I'm eligible. The ''funny''' thing is, I had been in the original place 7 years, and over the time I was there, I know I contributed to it being a very harmonious inclusive environment. When I started it wasn't like that but by the time I left, anybody could walk in to the tea room and sit around the table and age or sex or grade, we were all welcome to sit at the table. It sounds like a metaphor, but it's not, it's literal. So I know I have something to offer, but I was shoved off away from people to just deal with online applications. Such a waste.
wow your video popped up on my feed today. Your video made me realize why my mother put so much shame on me and why she did some things that she did. Wow. Thanks......
It’s cus you grew up underwater and every time you watch a video it’s like coming up for air. Your abusers drown you all the time and blame you for not being able to breathe (analogy)
I feel scapegoated by my half siblings. I try to bring conscious relating and nonviolent communication to unhealthy dynamics and I’m met with no contact/avoidance. Feeling hurt and disempowered an Empath in this cycle. Need to reclaim my power to live in peace. Any recommendations on your offerings to help.
My therapist and I were just talking about the fact that my mother transferred her shame onto me (big sacral chakra wound for me.) When my brother and I were growing up, if we didn’t behave a certain way, maintain a thin physic, dress a certain way, etc…love was withheld. My parents provided for our physical needs very well; unfortunately they were so worried about the opinions of others, they allowed their fears to dictate how they treated us.
Hi Candace thank you for sharing so much I certainly can relate. I feel like you know my family lol can you tell me how to receive your newsletter? Thanks! ❤
So what your saying is that I can use revision to change the story of my past. Surely my family has made me feel badly and insecvuly and that i the very depth of my being i feel so sociallt akward like im unawarringly conbstatly supressing me becouse i dont want to be dissaproved so its better to shy away and be the silent one i public situations. Im in my healing era and woow its uncomfortable but at the same tiome every time i choose me everytimne i choose to journalk about how in truly feel i release that undeserving energy. I am an extervert and a scorpio so my personality is already very much driven by emtions so its been hard but choosing to heal is woow its like a see the door out of all the complications that i coudlt when i wasent healing me. You meantioned in your previous video about if your parent werent listening and being emotionally attentive to the child emtions it would = to seeking validation from other and thats exacly what i ahve been doing becouse ooh forgot to say the most important thing im a higly sensitive human and sopmetimes the world and its people are stiull charshing ouround me and i feel like that is what i deserve. I keep being stubornly active with healing journal and i keep writting dowbn how i feel and what and why and constantluy quitioning me so i can get to the root of the problem. i will say your channel has been so incredibly helpful becouse woow the way you verbelise these topics makes sense and it really does allign to who so many people are and most freaking importantly you give us hope and woow that the greatest gift thank you. Sending you so much joy and love from Sydney, Australia
I'm actually proud to say that I am at the very end of it all. I'm Rising from the ashes literally and moving on. Walking away from everyone and everything. I can definitely use the support of this group as this time. It's liberating and empowering. Very scary for many years. But it's MY TIME MY WAY NOW. THANKS SO MUCH. NAMASTE ~ ❤❤❤❤❤❤
I've tried to watch several of these various videos and can't watch for very long. I'm also experiencing emotional issues again, such as fear, over protecting my children, shortness of breath, and getting weepy. I locked all that away several years ago and have absolutely nothing to do with the horrific people in the family I was born into. Now symptoms are coming back. I have to disconnect from all these videos.
After years of shadow work, recently abt my college reunion, against one person’s wish to check in late at hotel, I 1st msged her personally & sweetly that I’ll chk in on time even if I need to tk a cab alone. Immediately in d group she put my roomie as someone else. There was no need for prior allocation. I anyway went ahead n msged in group if someone else wanna join me and everyone sd yes. So she too immediately agreed. She was just faking she had official work. She just wanted to sleep longer. Later she made a scene of abandonment - that I shd b commuting alone while others said now we r all going together. After that she is not offering me to drop me though I live super close n she had always offered. I’m wondering, will our boundaries ever bring us Gud life or?
My mom was abandoned by her parents and started living with her grandmother and married her aunt's husband... And she can't bare being shamed so I was chosen as an scapegoat to project her shame and abandonment... Because she hates men also that's why I was chosen.
Exactly what happened to me recently. A homeless mentally ill guy who roams in my area, I showed kindness to him and this time he was sitting in the middle of my way and I approached him to talk to him and he said a lot of bad things pointing to my painful past where I was raped and left on the street and he said stuff like it was a juicy gossip for him. I am stunned till date.
Stay away. Narcissists hate the people who are good to them. Anyone can end up homeless but many narcissistic people end up that way because they have burned everyone around. He doesn't deserve your empathy if he gives you bs when you are being nice to him. Keep yourself safe. That's extremenly mean.
Just discovered your content Knowing as well that you revealed your own trauma which is honored here 🌹 I had just been thinking of my step daughter as the scapegoat She is a bit adrift for now While my son is restoring his true self as birthrite The mother as abuser I’ll be listening closely Thank you
I remember someone telling me about the old quote, "the sins of the father are passed to the children". I hated that and felt like no matter what, we were doomed. I got sober 24 years ago and did the work. Today we are not passing on "sins". We are learning, loving and growing in such a positive way. Yes, alcoholism is partly inherent, imo, but let's pile on some more shame, while you're at it, RIGHT?
Ive been aware of this type of family dysfunction for as long as I can remember it seems without having any way to understand why. Before any understanding on this topic it's so difficult to speak about, not because speaking up is hard but because what's happening is such a mental drain to make sense of because it just doesnt make sense. Gnarly forsure.
Abandoned by groups of ppl - actually there is a huge amount of backstabbers.And you may not even guess who they are. Because they know who you are. Just because of that. You are the one who destoryes thier feasting ground. You grow evil awareness in narc supply. So they stop being that. And you become the target.
My mom was strangled to death in an abandoned crack house in Houston Texas, because of her adoptive parent, that same adoptive parent immediately made me the scapegoat right after my mom died. My whole life is forfeit because of narcissistic/sociopathic (aggressive) behavior. Women see me as a serial murderer before I say a word to them, because I am constantly on guard when being around females.
I embrace vulnerability & honesty, I will always be a high powered magnet for narcissistic abuse. I will never belong to any group in America other than "the incels", it's fine. If that's what needs to happen because I have the courage to engage honestly with everyone. Embrace vulnerability people, it's a lonely lifestyle at first, but it gets better. Peace eventually manifests in your life.
You are freaking me out because I can feel the efficacy of, "What was". My question is, "What fun did you have as a kid?" Are you so altuistic that you double your own peiety. i can't spell that word.
My family aren't the kind of people I'd associate with. I grieve the family I wish I had had but I don't miss the one I had. Walk away quietly 👣🕊️✌️☮️
Scapegoat life is certainly rough! I went no contact and set hard boundaries.
Same, my life is so peaceful now.
How I can't do it I feel so weak I wish there was a scapegoat commune I could go to
how did you get out? i can't find a job that pays a living wage. if i did, i would get the hell out so fast and never look back.
Yes started to heal from my chronic illness as well . Wow now I’m pregnant 🤰.
@@S.L.Aubourg congratulations 🎉 🫶🏻
They literally reject you until you reject yourself... 😮
True
Not anymore
I was blamed for my father's drug addiction and alcoholism by him and his entire family. I was 12.
Wtf
@@mandysingh5085 Thank you!!
🤦♀️ that’s awful. I’m so sorry
Yup. I was blamed for my mom's cancer at 8.
@@lindsaydiscovers9842 I am so very sorry. I know how devastatingly painful this is at such a young age. It truly sounds absolutely ludicrous as an adult to hear such insane thinking. We are sponges when we are that little. I pray for your healing.
This is a life changing video. Tying the "projected" shame to the abandonment/attachment wounding is so profound. If we do not have to "OWN" the shame, then we no longer need to "OWN" the abandonment/attachment wounding so we can connect to our healthier selves.
I agree this is profound and liberating
This is exactly my story sadly I'm glad to finally understand what I did wrong which is nothing
You were wondrously made.xo
Scapegoats have always been innocents. They were chosen to calm down pagans gods so they never picked the cripple ones but the best ones.
You were probably chosen because of your good traits and qualities.
I received a text from my older sister today. I noticed it took me about an hour to get back to the projects I had planned on completing. I used to blame myself telling myself I was off my game plan because I was procrastinating. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I woke up this morning excited about my day. I knew I needed a reminder of being the scapegoat to stabilize me. Thank you for posting stabilizing truths since it is now 7 hours later, I noticed I am still not fully in my body.
I am the scapegoat in my family. My mother was so abusive. She would go through cycles of lovebombing then rage it was neverending. She would beate with curtain rods as a child and lock me in a room for weeks at a time. Im older now and its mental abuse that she dishs out now. In the public eye everyone thinks shes normal but shes not. She incredible at faking and manipulation. I gave her up for good 3 months ago and i hope i mever see her again i hate her. Im so bitter at the way ive been treated i just hope karma catchs up to her. She would always say mean and personall things to try to trigger me then she plays the victim. Its absolutely disgusting. People tell me your supposed to love ur mother no matter what she does. They need to walk a mile in my shoes then try to say that. She spreads terrible lies about me. People believe her because shes covert and they dont realize what she is. Im gonna be honest i want revenge. I hate her more than anyone on the planet.
I totally get this. My story is similar in some ways. An abusive mother who wanted a girl. I was scapegoated for being a boy. She was mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. She later blamed me for her mental breakdown and hospitalisation for weeks, when I was 10. Father never intervened/ protected me. My younger sister is now trying to scapegoat me but I'm wiser now. Thanks for all this education / learning that has opened my eyes to what has been going on
Totally get it. Yeah we can say we forgive and even pray for these demons. But I like your honesty. I too want some type of revenge on my narc mom. But i will say the longer Im no vontact with her and her flying monkeys the easier it is (or has been for me) to let go. And realize they deserve no more of your energy
It's better to use your energy to work on your healing but I understand how you feel. I don't believe in either karma nor justice but I think my life deserves me giving myself what I was always denied.
I don't think I could live without remorse; I'm not like my psycho mom.
@@Lyrielonwindgreat advice
I'm so sorry. I say it often: Mothers are the worst.
They will reject you, so they don't have to feel like the rejected one anymore. it's such a mind bend..to think anyone could just as easily choose to break the cycle for something painful they themselves went through.
I was definitely meant to see this. It seems like my family is discouraged I haven't relapsed on alcohol and rebuilt my life in the last year a half. Thank you ❤
More power to you
💪
Dear Candace, i heard you ,your speech perfectely resonates with my experience also. Today i am much more conscious of what happened in my life. My life was full of pain until very recentely even though i have married a wonderful man almost 30 years ago. I see myself into what you are saying. My mother had a lot of power during my life and i think she managed to influence everybody´s oppinion about me, but i think my true , honest , intelligent ( sorry the lack of humility) approach to life had an effect on everyone around me which didn´t help my feeling that i belonged with them either. they found me a stranger either. Today my mother is very old. those still alive have already understood what type of person she is and her power has gone. I still love her and want the best for her. I did not use ilicit substances in my life and it was only spirituality that helped me leave pain behind. Today i feel proud of my journey even thought it had some very difficult moments. Please take good care of you also.
My family does this to me still, but it was fairly subtle so it was only at 47 when I asked them to stop casually and lazily labelling me sensitive and paranoid that everything BLEW UP. My mother wouldn't accept that maybe they could all stop that, she went the other direction. She was the *victim* of my request. So she martyred up and gave me the silent treatment. It took me a few years to realise that this reaction is just more of the same. ie, originally, she disguised the fact that she hadn't the patience or the empathy to listen to me when I was upset with the perfect way to disguise that labelling her daughter ''sensitive'' and ''emotional'' and ''dramatic''. It always bothered me though. Fast forward in to the present and I see now, after some thought (incl therapy) that now, she disguises her defensiveness and her inability to resolve conflict by calling her daughter ''aggressive'' and ''entitled'' and every version of mad/bad/sad. It's just always a version of this. She will disguise her own shortcomings by telling me that I am x, y or z. And my father backs her up 100% and my brother kiiiiind of gets it but is still annoyed with me for not just buckling under. ACCEPT THE REGIME basically. I should get hihm a a t-shirt for christmas with ''I accepted the regime'' on it.
One day tell her you're tired of extending patience and charity to her bad behavior. That you understand her bad behaviors are because of her own fears and inadequacies, but enough is enough.
That you always felt sorry for her and tried to help her, but she's not getting any better.
And if Golden Child brother thinks that you should just keep eating her shiz, then go No Contact with Mom. Within a week she'll be dumping on and undermining Golden Boy. He can suck it up for a change.
💗 Truth hurts, truth sets you free, truth honours the soul ☝🏽🌌💖💫
Wow I was the scapegoat I was always always called weird. I was told I was weird from a child into an adolescent and then to a young adult that I just didn't belong. It got so abusive I had to go no contact my sister is The Golden child who could do no wrong but the most abusive person hurt anger and rage will make the devil himself proud. Real quick when my dad had a family restaurant I worked with my sister who was horribly abusive I was visually impaired I lost my vision at 24 and the screams that she would make to me she would look at me and our eyes with water with hate she would bite her fist till she drew blood and punched the wall because I wasn't physically able to read the tickets to make the sandwich. My father who when he was died I wasn't even told and I was told I wasn't welcome at his funeral. . One of the workers there who was criminal my sisters friend whose husband bought the restaurant. When the place was a week before being sold to them. Knowing that I'm visually impaired legally blind they actually ordered a salad and put nickels dimes quarters pennies in it so I would break my teeth and choke. My dad and mother knew about this and what did they do they went to the girls wedding they honored her they hugged her and kissed her and gave her money
When I told my dad if he wants to honor a criminal who tried to hurt me don't call me your son he told everyone that he's disinheriting me and made himself out to be the victim. . It was so bad growing up I was sexually molested by a stranger I felt so violated I went to the police and I had to put the person in jail at my testimony put this child molester in jail who molested. When I asked my dad why he never said anything when I was going to court when it was so degrading as a teenager being told by a public defender for the guy who molested me that I was a prostitute and a hustler trying to make me look bad at the age of 13. My mother said I was the embarrassment my birth father said you knew what you were doing and you put yourself in that situation. But you hit a nerve when you said weird because that was the word I was called my whole life
I remember even probably get a different haircut or something my mother would tell me cut your hair short diet black and shave off your mustache. Healing and surviving speaking to you as a survivor and not a victim. With love and peace Bobby Criniti
❤❤❤ feel with you 🙏🙏
"too much power too soon."
Yes i was given way too much power .
Neither of my parents or grandparents had any real parenting tools.
They looked to me for everything.
I'm 60.
I'm living w my mother.
I dont keep family secrets.
God bless all of us who have experienced this very hurtful situation! It is an indescribable pain to be hurt by those you only try to love and please! Those that are supposed to love and protect you…Instead they try to destroy and actually hate you!
Thanks, Candace. This is beautifully stated and really resonates in a way that doesn't shame the caregivers or the scapegoat but sheds a lot of light.
Just shared this with my scapegoated step daughter
Hoping she takes note and contacts you to join your group
Blessings to you and your tribe
Aww!! I need someone like you
@@AthiraEaRaD well I hope you find someone
Happy New Year
@@garyr1934🙏 Happy New Year
Thank you for directing us back to our own light!
That’s an excellent point you made about boundaries (4:44)
It explains why I would set boundaries but removed them shortly afterwards, over and over in my past. Thank God I overcame failing to keep strong boundaries, “I’m more than a conqueror” through Christ Jesus! ❤❤❤
A scape goat is not livening his own life he is living the life of others because he is very much vulnerable
Actually the scapegoat is the only one in the group that has a sense of individuality and is trying to live THEIR lives, while everybody else is trying to maintain the status quo. And that is exactly the problem.
@@joanna5823
AHO !
@@joanna5823
Thank you!
As I had surmised.
This message is so dead on Thank you so much Candace so amazingly grateful I found your channel
If you have been scapegoated you might try to find reasons. Mine were: being the middle child, being blond like my aunt (who was prettier than my malignant mother), having a strong sense of justice, being the true teller, being the empathetic one, and so on but let's not forget that envy is their main emotion due to their masked insecurity. That means that you have traits and qualities they lack and that's enough for them to hate you.
We have been so abused and brainwashed we can't see what they covet and can't have.
It can be anything: your creativity, your inteligence, whatever.
Also, they need fuel and they can't manage their emotions.
If you have siblings, they have been programmed to bully you so they don't get bullied.
Some scapegoats call themselves "chosen ones" but I don't like it, I guess because religion was also used by them to "sacrify me" and I don't see the point on using religion in a way that it seems narcissistic to me but don't forget the concept of scapegoat comes from pagans cults when the most innocent were sacrified (never the old, the ugly, the chaman or the chieftain) but people believe that if someone treats you bad is because you were the cause. In reality we were and are not the cause but the effect of their unbearable self hatred.
You're wonderful! Thank you!¡
Appreciate the video! Scapegoat here! 💯‼️🗣️
My father blamed me for issues he had with my mother, (because of his family). He just thought it would be convenient to blame a 14 year old kid and their mistakes for shit that two adults couldn't sort out. He changed the story so beautifully to say you tried sabotaging our relationship. They both rejected me for no reason.
My father blamed me.... 17 years old for my parents divorce
I believe you. They didn't have the guts either to work things out or were too proud to admitt they made a mistake.
I have met a girl who was scapegoated because the mother got pregnant and his father was forced to marry her in order to avoid both families to be shamed by people.
This by far the BEST vid I have ever watched! I've watched a lot.
Thank you .
Candace you always support me thru your eloquent words.
On behalf of all mothers who wound
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
wow once again Candace you blow my mind again. thank god for you idk what id do without your videos
Omg what a compliment!!! I hope you will come to my retreat one day!!
I really relate to this although i was not my narc mothers scapegoat - my older sister was. But i became my sisters scapegoat because of it. I cannot have a relationship with my sister because she has repeated this pattern of our mother’s by scapegoating me. She does not do this to our brother or anyone else. Just me.
Thank you for this video 💖
I can relate to you. I’m in the same situation.
Thank you for seeing me!
I was the oldest child in my family and also the empath. I always was and still am the scapegoat. It was damaging to my self esteem. My parents used my kids to control and isolate me. Then they beat me threw me out and wouldn't let me take my kids. They turned my kids against me and told everyone I abandoned my kids. I went into abusive marriages. I now have cptsd/ptsd crippling anxiety, and my kids won't talk to me.
Wow this is bloody amazing. That is me. I fear my power. 😢😊
This is so true ❤I feel this
Beautifully stated. Thank you.
Much gratitude for this teaching 🙏
It is my pleasure 😇
I feel like I'm ignored. I'm not exactly bullied but yeh, feel ignored. I took mobility to a workplace nearer my house recently (same employer) and within weeks they had me doing online applications only, so no reason to interact with colleagues anymore. I felt very scapegoated. I'm sure other people would have felt it less but it played in to all of my wounds. I am on a list to start again in another location as soon as I'm eligible. The ''funny''' thing is, I had been in the original place 7 years, and over the time I was there, I know I contributed to it being a very harmonious inclusive environment. When I started it wasn't like that but by the time I left, anybody could walk in to the tea room and sit around the table and age or sex or grade, we were all welcome to sit at the table. It sounds like a metaphor, but it's not, it's literal. So I know I have something to offer, but I was shoved off away from people to just deal with online applications. Such a waste.
The reason why I was scapegoated is because I'm autistic. Thus, my rejection truly was personal.
Totally resonated with this
I was the scapegoat mother and wife! My former husband and two sons were narcissists!!! I never had a chance!
❤
wow your video popped up on my feed today. Your video made me realize why my mother put so much shame on me and why she did some things that she did. Wow. Thanks......
It is my pleasure!! Waking up to these truths is paramount to deeper healing ❤️🩹
WHOA GIRL YOU ARE A CHAMPIONNNNNN🎉
❤️❤️Appreciate you!
Thank uou so much your worl helps me so much gonna work on this xxx
Spot on. Finally something that really gets to the point. 😮
Incredible video and lots of wisdom here. Thank you!
🎯🎯🎯
Only time in my life I feel validated is when i watch scapegoat videos lol
It’s cus you grew up underwater and every time you watch a video it’s like coming up for air. Your abusers drown you all the time and blame you for not being able to breathe (analogy)
I feel scapegoated by my half siblings. I try to bring conscious relating and nonviolent communication to unhealthy dynamics and I’m met with no contact/avoidance. Feeling hurt and disempowered an Empath in this cycle. Need to reclaim my power to live in peace. Any recommendations on your offerings to help.
My therapist and I were just talking about the fact that my mother transferred her shame onto me (big sacral chakra wound for me.)
When my brother and I were growing up, if we didn’t behave a certain way, maintain a thin physic, dress a certain way, etc…love was withheld. My parents provided for our physical needs very well; unfortunately they were so worried about the opinions of others, they allowed their fears to dictate how they treated us.
THIS IS a ANGEL ON EARTH ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
well you inovation the new tanks I lik you! brasil online and reposition green the nature
Hi Candace thank you for sharing so much I certainly can relate. I feel like you know my family lol can you tell me how to receive your newsletter? Thanks! ❤
Ok , then since this is a recurring lifelong occurrence, how do you make friends and have healthy relationships?
You need to heal from the inside out to be able to have healthy relationships with self then others
So what your saying is that I can use revision to change the story of my past. Surely my family has made me feel badly and insecvuly and that i the very depth of my being i feel so sociallt akward like im unawarringly conbstatly supressing me becouse i dont want to be dissaproved so its better to shy away and be the silent one i public situations. Im in my healing era and woow its uncomfortable but at the same tiome every time i choose me everytimne i choose to journalk about how in truly feel i release that undeserving energy. I am an extervert and a scorpio so my personality is already very much driven by emtions so its been hard but choosing to heal is woow its like a see the door out of all the complications that i coudlt when i wasent healing me. You meantioned in your previous video about if your parent werent listening and being emotionally attentive to the child emtions it would = to seeking validation from other and thats exacly what i ahve been doing becouse ooh forgot to say the most important thing im a higly sensitive human and sopmetimes the world and its people are stiull charshing ouround me and i feel like that is what i deserve. I keep being stubornly active with healing journal and i keep writting dowbn how i feel and what and why and constantluy quitioning me so i can get to the root of the problem. i will say your channel has been so incredibly helpful becouse woow the way you verbelise these topics makes sense and it really does allign to who so many people are and most freaking importantly you give us hope and woow that the greatest gift thank you. Sending you so much joy and love from Sydney, Australia
Wow ❤😢
I'm actually proud to say that I am at the very end of it all. I'm Rising from the ashes literally and moving on. Walking away from everyone and everything. I can definitely use the support of this group as this time. It's liberating and empowering. Very scary for many years. But it's MY TIME MY WAY NOW. THANKS SO MUCH.
NAMASTE ~
❤❤❤❤❤❤
You beam light.
I've tried to watch several of these various videos and can't watch for very long. I'm also experiencing emotional issues again, such as fear, over protecting my children, shortness of breath, and getting weepy. I locked all that away several years ago and have absolutely nothing to do with the horrific people in the family I was born into. Now symptoms are coming back. I have to disconnect from all these videos.
Greetings from David Jensen so cal. 😁
Gen x 65 scapegoated by silent gen parents who then divorced in76....mother continued the torture til 83... Thank you for this video!
After years of shadow work, recently abt my college reunion, against one person’s wish to check in late at hotel, I 1st msged her personally & sweetly that I’ll chk in on time even if I need to tk a cab alone. Immediately in d group she put my roomie as someone else. There was no need for prior allocation.
I anyway went ahead n msged in group if someone else wanna join me and everyone sd yes. So she too immediately agreed. She was just faking she had official work. She just wanted to sleep longer.
Later she made a scene of abandonment - that I shd b commuting alone while others said now we r all going together.
After that she is not offering me to drop me though I live super close n she had always offered. I’m wondering, will our boundaries ever bring us Gud life or?
My mom was abandoned by her parents and started living with her grandmother and married her aunt's husband... And she can't bare being shamed so I was chosen as an scapegoat to project her shame and abandonment... Because she hates men also that's why I was chosen.
Exactly what happened to me recently. A homeless mentally ill guy who roams in my area, I showed kindness to him and this time he was sitting in the middle of my way and I approached him to talk to him and he said a lot of bad things pointing to my painful past where I was raped and left on the street and he said stuff like it was a juicy gossip for him. I am stunned till date.
Stay away. Narcissists hate the people who are good to them.
Anyone can end up homeless but many narcissistic people end up that way because they have burned everyone around.
He doesn't deserve your empathy if he gives you bs when you are being nice to him. Keep yourself safe. That's extremenly mean.
What about if the scapegoat position initiated as an adult
Hi, Candace. Any advice for parents that don’t respect your boundaries?
Wow, big wow, absolute truth
✨✨💛🌞💛✨✨
Just discovered your content
Knowing as well that you revealed your own trauma which is honored here
🌹
I had just been thinking of my step daughter as the scapegoat
She is a bit adrift for now
While my son is restoring his true self as birthrite
The mother as abuser
I’ll be listening closely
Thank you
💜🕊
Is solo ( A 1)invitable (A 2)?
Well damn...this explains sabotaging everything
Cost?Location?
Zoom www.candacevandell.com/inner-work/
I remember someone telling me about the old quote, "the sins of the father are passed to the children". I hated that and felt like no matter what, we were doomed. I got sober 24 years ago and did the work. Today we are not passing on "sins". We are learning, loving and growing in such a positive way. Yes, alcoholism is partly inherent, imo, but let's pile on some more shame, while you're at it, RIGHT?
Glad to hear you are sober. 💪
I guess.
Ive been aware of this type of family dysfunction for as long as I can remember it seems without having any way to understand why.
Before any understanding on this topic it's so difficult to speak about, not because speaking up is hard but because what's happening is such a mental drain to make sense of because it just doesnt make sense.
Gnarly forsure.
Abandoned by groups of ppl - actually there is a huge amount of backstabbers.And you may not even guess who they are. Because they know who you are. Just because of that. You are the one who destoryes thier feasting ground. You grow evil awareness in narc supply. So they stop being that. And you become the target.
My mom was strangled to death in an abandoned crack house in Houston Texas, because of her adoptive parent, that same adoptive parent immediately made me the scapegoat right after my mom died. My whole life is forfeit because of narcissistic/sociopathic (aggressive) behavior. Women see me as a serial murderer before I say a word to them, because I am constantly on guard when being around females.
I embrace vulnerability & honesty, I will always be a high powered magnet for narcissistic abuse. I will never belong to any group in America other than "the incels", it's fine. If that's what needs to happen because I have the courage to engage honestly with everyone. Embrace vulnerability people, it's a lonely lifestyle at first, but it gets better. Peace eventually manifests in your life.
Det är inte för mycket makt . Man försätts hjälplöshet & vanmakt
My mom would be jealous of you because you're skinny attractive 🙄 no cold hearted.....ya know just superior 😏
You are freaking me out because I can feel the efficacy of, "What was". My question is, "What fun did you have as a kid?" Are you so altuistic that you double your own peiety. i can't spell that word.
This life sucks. Stupid universe
❤