Please be respectful to other commenters. Everyone's experience is unique & judgement of their personal choices on how they deal with narc abuse is unnecessary. Please also refrain from recommendations such as 'you need Jesus' or 'God works in mysterious ways' - many members of our community were raised in homes where religion was used as a weapon & comments like this are triggering. 'Estranged parents'/'estranged grandparents' trolling here & spammers/scammers are not welcome & their comments will be removed. Thank you.
Your silence kills them. I left my family at age 22 when I had my daughter and at 25 I cut complete ties with them. You owe them nothing. Blood doesn't make family
Best to plan your escape. Get everything ready and better to go without telling them They'll try to sabotage your leaving. I left and went no contact for 8 years then went back early this year and realised I'd gone where angles fear to tred. I had a place 15min walk from them. So I planned my escape. I told them I was looking for another place "in the area" as I wasn't happy in that place. Then gave excuses of being too busy to see them, what with work, packing and viewings. Then I quit my job and moved far away from them. I let them know id moved out of the area and told them I was going no contact again as I needed some time. I thought it best not to piss them off and just disappear on that note. My advice the less they know the better. Easier for you. Remember you don't have to be sincere with the insincere.
I never wanted to give up trying. I thought estrangement was crazy, but four years after I asked to be heard, I am only finally accepting that it makes no difference whether i'm there or not, they will still label me (first) paranoid and sensitive (which I objected to and asked that it stop) and then, labelled aggressive for asking them to stop, and then feeling unheard when I persisted in my requests that they stop labelling me, they labelled me angry and when I gave up and wouldn't come back to heel, I've been labelled ''detached from reality'' and ''insane'' and they're sorry I'm so unhappy. I can just never be heard. That's not how this family works
It's so true. Learning that was a huge game changer for me. They have no concept of unconditional love, merely seeing people for what they can do for THEM. I hope you manage to recover from the narcs in your life xx
I recently heard an explanation of convents vs contract relationships. Narcs and dysfunctional family members are most definitely conditional and contractural in my experience
Ha! Yep, that was a big 'woah' moment for me - the realisation that my narcs are not actually the final authority on everything & that I don't need to run my every move by them. My mother fancies herself as this big intellectual, but all she does is quote chunks of books. She doesn't actually comprehend them & understand deeper meanings of things eg, she can quote a poem, but she lacks the empathy needed to actually understand it. I hope you're coping well with the narcs in your life xx
I started to realize that my entire life my family created a smear campaign against me no matter what I did so, why should I worry about it now. I am 100% No Contact and I have no reason to ever change that. ❤
So did Mihn! It’s so awful not understanding why people look at you strange and say things like “why is there so much controversy around you“ and you have no idea why someone would even say that to you because you don’t know that people you loved and trusted, have been lying about you and saying you’re crazy and unstable and that you do drugs behind your back when oddly you’re the only one out of the entire group that isn’ta criminal, no criminal record, successful, work life, and financially stable and their lives are a mess. Make that makes sense!
I love the way you describe the spineless jackasses of the family who happily let you suffer abuse so they can get the ‘glory’ of this dysfunctional system. The whole dynamic is evil and demonic and we MUST LEAVE and save ourselves. Than find a our own success and happiness. That’s the ultimate knife in the back to them - when we are successful and happy.
You're very good : I completely got rid of my dysfunctional family and am marking return to sender to all mail. There's no place in my life for narcissistic people.
So much of what you said rings true for me. I've known my whole life that my family was weird, 25 years ago I had a breakdown and refused to believe the doc when they said my relationship with my mum wasnt healthy. It took the death of my dad during covid to see them for what they all are. At 52 I've gone from highly medicated for depression and anxiety, medically retired from work to going to the gym, crafting, being creative and having the time to enjoy my own family. No pressure, no stress, no backbiting, triangulation or dread. Working on the guilt, but realise that's just a lifetime of manipulation. Knowledge is power, thank you for sharing your story. To younger folk, the move is beyond hard but life is so much better
It's lovely that you've turned things around - well done! Narcs take up so much of our time & emotional bandwidth & I was amazed by how much of that was suddenly freed up when I quit I became a fitness nut, I started brushing up on my French, my flat has never looked tidier, etc! Covid was kind of pivotal for me. Mainly due to me getting it right at the start of the pandemic & my narcs not caring one bit. Also things like my narcs triangulating me with my brother - bragging that they broke lockdown rules to visit him, while I was completely ignored I think if covid never happened, I'd never have had that 'wow, even in a borderline apocalypse, they DGAF' moment of clarity Keep on working on your recovery - you're doing fantastic ❤
Same, 52 as well and I only recently realised how defensive my mother is, how we all revolve around reflecting her own rosy view of herself back to her, any challenge to that is met with martyr beast indignation. My dad is a foot soldier, my brother is conveniently blind to it. One of my early childhood memories is we went to the circus and even at about 6 I thought, or felt, we're pretending to be a normal family here. I Hope you can live in peace and ease now.
I'm also in my 50s, and my situation is similar to yours. I haven't yet escaped my narcissistic parent and family, but your post gives me hope that there is peace and healing on the other side.
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 covid was the best thing that happened to us in a weird way... i always believed when we were going through .. that it was exactly what i needed... it exposed the narcs
I hate the thought of anyone suffering this kind of insidious abuse, but to have validation of what I went through is helpful. I tried every way to get my Mother and siblings to treat me differently, but they don't love me enough. I have gone no contact for 4 months now. I hate it, I love these people. They are my family, but I must love me more. I am starting therapy this week. Im looking forward to professional help.
Excellent that you're starting therapy, I hope it goes well for you. The validation of a therapist telling me 'this behaviour you've been subjected to is not ok' was pivotal for me, as it blew away all my second guessing & self-gaslighting x
I finally found a channel that speaks to my sad life. I was raised by toddlers too! I’m just realizing that they made me believe the fucking worst about myself. And I’m 46 ! Thank you for this channel 🙏
Our best thinking comes in our 40’s. I went NC from my narc mother a little over 2 years ago now, the rest of the siblings a little over a year. My mother sent Christmas cards to two of my friends, but not me this past holiday season. Amazing stuff. Steady onwards, I will not be hoovered back into this toxic dynamic. Great video!
Thank you so much! You're so right about our 40's - very much my 'get your sh*t together' decade! I'd had treatment for mental health stuff for years, but the root cause - the narcs - had never been truly identified or addressed, so nothing stuck. Once you identify the cause of everything, everything else just seems to work itself out! Stand your ground and keep yourself on what sounds like an awesome path xx
That is such a sneaky awful manipulative thing to do. My sister did stuff like that and eventually destroyed all my friendships from where I was from because everyone believed her lies. They will literally make up stuff about you and destroy your life. I wish so much that where I lived there was a way to connect with people who have been through this because really people just don’t understand unless they’ve been through it.
Daughter of narc mother, golden child brother and enabling father and sister. I was the scapegoat too. Finally went no contact with the whole family years ago. I can RELATE girl. Going no contact and moving states away has been extremely helpful. The final step is getting rid of my mother's negative comments that still haunt me today. Desiring a mother to nurture me even though I'm in my 40's now. Feeling so stupid to even want or need mothering, but it's because I never got it. The "Mother Wound" is for real. Healing this wound is the final step and there's some information out there, but it's hard to find. Love your channel. So relatable. Blessings to you as you continue to heal. You are not alone.
Excellent job going no contact! I'm totally with you on the mother wound thing. Finding my auntie was amazing, as she's the same age as my mother & she has more maternal instinct in her little fingernail than my mother has ever had. I'm actually being careful not to be too needy & clingy & take things gradually, but it's been amazing having a female, blood relative say things like 'I love you", 'you're so pretty', etc, having never had that before I think once I get rid of my weird relationship with food, that'll be the end of mothers voice in my head - all the disordered eating was from her constantly going on about weight. I'm working on it, but it's weird as anorexia/bulimia were my best friends & looked after me, if that makes sense. Sort of 'I can't control what my family does, but I can control how little I'll eat today'. Super bizarre! Keep on fighting & you'll win in the end x
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 I love that you are able to lean on your auntie. That's wonderful! I have my grandmother, but will be really sad when she passes away. She is in her 80's. I'm sorry about your eating disorder. I didn't experience that myself, but can see how that bit of control can give one a sense of power when you feel you have none with a mother. Healing is such a long process. I heard today that people with a Mother Wound don't normally catch on until their 40s!!! If before then, you're ahead of the ballgame. Pretty crazy! You sound like you are from England. I'm from Tennesse in the USA. I have family in London. :)
"NARC. NATION"? Author,? Circa 2005,? said, the same: Re: "the Great Recession"!! All the Over-mortgaged Homes @ $$100K+ to $225,000+ More than they'd ever be able to Afford, - Before -> the Next Recession!!!💥
This is spot on from a person that gets it. I too come from this type of family. I left at 18 physically and emotionally at 31. Now 41 and numerous hoovers and having to be around them at the occasional wedding or funeral, I am 100% done. I remember hating my mother and sisters at 7 and I still feel exactly the same way now. They will keep scapegoating as long as you are still there.
I’m 31 and seriously considering going no contact. I am doing the grey rock but the flying monkeys are now hoovering. I’m hoping to relocate soon and go no contact whilst I still have the rest of my life ahead of me. I don’t want to keep going like this and spend the next 31 years wishing I went no contact sooner
Well, they made us co-dependent and their pity-play and gaslighting have their part too. Besides, they made us to believe we can't survive on our own plus the obligation and shame instilled on us. It's not just one tool they used; we were programmed to fail. Of course, being empaths makes harder to swallow the hard pill of truth.
Wow, what a perfect name for a channel 'raised by toddlers', I couldn't put it any better than that one sentence, because that is exactly what it is to have narc parents.
Thank you! It really is just like being the only adult in the family, even at a young age. It's so bizarre. I hope you're managing ok with the narcs in your life xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Absolutely, my mother literally has 2 year old tantrums when she has to be accountable for her actions, it sure is bizarre! Thanks for shedding light on this topic, it was ignored for so many years :)
I love your story. I very much connected with this. It almost exactly mimics my own experience. I left at 18. My father was the narc. My brother the golden child. His wife and my sister the enablers. Just sickening.
Aww thank you! It's scary how similar everyone's experiences seem to be - narcs are like clones of each other! Well done on getting out when you did - I wish I'd done it years ago, but that seems to be a common theme in the recovery community. The important thing is that we did it in the end xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Yes, your story, RBT, is almost identical to mine although it took me to the age of 60, last year, to hear my mother on the phone telling me off again just as she always has over and over and over again all my life and physically assaulting me when I was 12 years old and I simply heard myself say to myself- "I don't care anymore! I simply just don't care anymore!" And that statement in May 2023 set me free and I have kept it up ever since. I even recognise when I have the horrid Trauma Bonding feelings and I can now make them go away inside me!
That's amazing & means a lot to me - I'm so glad I've been able to help. It's such a huge ball of confusion & years of a nagging 'something's not right' gut feeling, isn't it, but once you get your 'aha!' moment, the fog vanishes. I'm so glad you're on your way to recovery xx
I have been enlightened that family and friends could see that I was the scapegoat. So the smear campaigns actually made my mother the narc look worse in my grey rock. People understood completely why I was not around. Hope that helps ❤️ Great content!
It's amazing how similar our experiences have been. Breakdown, no contact, and being bribed back in with the inheritance, and eventually walking away from it to win my self respect. Narcs are indeed emotionally immature people. Thanks for your videos, they helped me realize I'm not the only one.
This is eerily similar to my circumstances. I grew up in a narcissistic family & married a narcissistic man who also comes from a narcissistic family. My daughter is narcissistic too. I'm done being their punching bag. No more holidays, birthdays, or just simple texts or phone calls because I REFUSE to be their scapegoat. They can regulate their emotions through someone else. I am living my own life now. My mother NEVER contacts me and then tells me what a horrible mother I am to my daughter. I'm done with all of them. I'm sad though because I have no family except for my son but I am very happy that I have him. Interestingly, he sees all of their narcissistic crap. Thank God. I lived for years letting all of them gaslight me into thinking I was the problem. No more. They are all selfish and the crazy ones.
Well done for standing up for yourself - to multiple narcs too! That can't have been easy. There's a quote by Ghandi - 'even if you're in a minority of one, the truth is the truth' which is so comforting. It's sad not having a family, but it's better to be alone than utterly miserable xx
This is so good! My children have been drum rolled into positions against. The financial stuff is spot on. Lived it and breathed it. DESPERATELY trying to find a way out. I want to give you a big hug for your awareness. I couldn't have put it better myself. I am in my 40s now. Please God help all in this hell 🙏🙏🙏
Aww thank you ❤ you're stronger than you know & the more you learn about narc abuse, the better armed you are with the knowledge of how to combat it. It's worth checking out Bumped Bruised & Blessed's channel - lovely girl in her 40's & I was stunned by how similar her experience is to mine. Honestly, I swear all these narc parents came from the same factory, lol! ❤
I was the only child of a covert narcissist mother who nearly destroyed my life. But healing and succeeding are possible! Keep the faith and keep working hard. ❤
I also regret talking to my brother after my mum gave me the silent treatment the most recent time. I thought he would act as a mediator and go back to them and put my side forward and that they would understand when it came from him. But it made things worse. She lied to him. That made me angrier. He believes her. That leaves me feeling betrayed by him. I have had therapy. It's not a magic wand. I am reading/listening to a lot about mindful self-compassion, mind body code and the antidotes to the archetypal wounds. Like you, the ONLY end to the silent treatment that my parents can envisage is that I see the error of my ways and crawl back to them grovelling.
The intentional creation of sibling rivalry has to be the cruellest part of the abuse for me. Brothers are supposed to be our protectors & best friends, but instead, we're trained to fight each other for the conditional affection of an insecure lunatic. Keep on studying everything you can - knowledge is power. The more I've learned, the more ridiculous I find the concept that my family thinks I'm going to be coming back due to fear of missing out - the only thing I'm missing out on is chronic anxiety & depression! Stay strong & keep on building yourself back up xx
Yup. I am and have always been my mothers scapegoat. I’m having to live with her right now, because of an alcoholic narcissistic now ex husband, she tries to treat me like I’m the kid she always manipulated and crapped on. I’m almost 55, and she still does it. I’m in HER house so I’m beneath her. When I leave, I will never set foot back in this house until she’s dead and we’re cleaning her crap out.
That sounds like an awful situation. Normal parents would jump at the chance to help their child, no strings attached, but narcs use it as an opportunity to get a huge dose of control/power/superiority. Hope you can get out soon - have you tried 'grey-rocking' her? It's essentially being civil, but providing zero emotional response, so she won't get the fuel she's after. Dr Ramani has a great guide to the method on her channel xx
@@leah__gail u do well to leave….. self sufficiency and depending on none and protecting ur power is #1 especially when u lose ur power from engaging with narcs
It might not sound right but its soothing to see somone as raged out as myself at narc mothers.narc mothers are the hardest to recover your soul from.may all of the narc rest in deepest hell ameen.
Very similar to my story. I moved across the country many years ago to maintain Low Contact with my mother. I went No Contact when my mother gaslighted me in favor of a sister who had stolen something from me. She had also enlisted the Golden Child in this scheme. It was a final straw type of moment. After I confronted her and went No Contact, she tried to hoover me by calling and feigning senility, claiming that I had called her and left a message that she was returning. No apology for what she had done, just more games. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders when I learned about narcissism and that I wasn't the defective one. Thank you for your channel. You create wonderful content. ♥
Oh wow, thank you so much! Well done on standing your ground & not falling for the hoover. Narcs get pretty desperate as they get older, as the opportunities to obtain backup sources of narc supply dwindle. Fake illness is a favourite of mine & I've made a video about this specific type of hoover, which you might find interesting. Keep on putting yourself first & let your narc deal with the consequences of her own actions. I hope you continue to recover from these awful people xx
I haven’t spoken to my narc dad in 12 years. However I still see him at family gatherings. But act like he doesn’t exist. He still has that fake mask on every time, but I see his evil spirit. It struck me that he would rather lose a daughter than ever apologise, reflect on his actions or see himself as wrong in any way. It still blows my mind. I wonder what life would be like without having experienced narc abuse.
Well done on staying no contact. It's so sad, but that fake character they all have is their one true love & the only thing they care about & genuinely love. The only way I can wrap my head around the concept is how I saw my eating disorder as my best friend/protector & it didn't matter how bad life got, because I had 'her' looking out for me. Thing is, I got help & realised that 'she' was actually trying to end my life. Narcs lack the insight to have a 'hmm, I've chosen my mask over my kid, that's not great' moment of clarity. All we can do is move on with our lives & leave them to deal with their choices xx
Wow it's basically you have told my life story. It's disgusting that others can use people like that. My own dad, when I was unaware of narcissim abuse and told him I was depressed and suicidal in my teenagers years. He was looking at his phone with a smile, they are deeply broken. I am glad I've finally cut tie with all of them at 28. It has been a year now, and no more alcohol to numb my pain. Life is good and wish you the best is to come xo.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I totally relate the the bizarre responses/reactions from narcs when we're on the verge of ending our lives. They see emotion as weakness, so when we cry, they're repulsed rather than moved to cuddle us & find us help. I'm so proud of you for escaping & for quitting alcohol at such a young age. Life without both those things is beautiful, plus the amount of money I've saved from not buying vodka or 'please, please love me' gifts for those mutants! I hope you continue to recover & thrive xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Love you, thank you so much. It makes a difference to know we are not alone. Sending you a big virtual hug and wishing you a beautiful amazing life xo
It was passed on to me . The scapegoat brilliantly left the state . My mom complains that she never calls. But my mom never calls her even when my sister as in the hospital! The youngest has always been the golden child - she is just like my mom. Thank God my sister that moved is very aware that my mom is a narcissist. I’m glad she got out.
Thank you for taking time to put this content together. I’m 54 and my mum is 84, she’s the narc and my brother is her flying monkey and golden child (I now understand through therapy & these videos) & he’s the one who has given her grandchildren not me. But last Christmas she finally, completely broke me and I’ve gone no contact. It’s really tough isn’t it. As you say though whilst they arent there physically they are still in my head & from a worry point of view the “ultimate bomb” would be losing my inheritance to my brother & this destroys me. You’re video really speaks to me and things I have done and been subjected to. Comments in your video and others help me towards acceptance and how to build my self worth back up but from where I am it seems an impossible hill to climb.
Well done on going no contact & I'm so sorry for all you've been put through. Holding out for inheritance is a tough one. I've resigned myself to the fact that I was probably never in the will anyway, largely because of the false narrative my father spreads that I'm 'a lunatic who's bad with money', even though through my career, I was in a position of trust & vetted annually, including credit checks, as there's potential for corruption/bribery when people in that role have money worries. I knew that if I stayed, my parents would outlive me either through me ending my life or keeling over with a stress induced stroke or heart attack, so inheritance would be a moot point anyway! It's a tough one. Ive actually done a video about inheritance that you might find helpful. I hope you recover in time & can leave those awful people in the dust where they belong xx
I’m in the same boat. I recently went no contact and curious whether they will remove me from the will. My freedom is worth more than their dirty money. “The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the just”
I AM IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION YOU'RE IN. EXACT POSITION. MY MOTHER HAS CANCER AND HER GC CONVENIENTLY BANGED A GIRL UP 25 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM, UNMARRIED AND FOR WHAT I KNOW TO BE TO TAKE MY INHERITANCE. THEY ARE AWFUL. I TOOK CARE OF HIM MY WHOLE LIFE MORE THAN HIS OWN MOTHER BUT THEY ARE TRAINED BY THEM TO POINT THE BLAME ON US.....BY THESE PARENTS. I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I EXPLAINED THE DYNAMIC TO HIM FOR HIM TO NOT ONLY IGNORE ME BUT RUN BACK TO HER ABOUT IT. THEY BREAK THE COVENANT AND TRUST AND IT CANT BE GIVEN BACK. SAD. ITS SO SHOCKING AND PAINFUL.....IT'S THE WORST LIFE. I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU. MY MOTHER DEVALUED AND DISCARDED ME ONCE THIS KID WAS BORN. ITS ONLY BECAUSE I'M NEARBY AND SHE'S SICK I AM IN CONTACT WITH HER BUT I GET A VEYR HATEFUL ENERGY BECAUSE I CALLED IT OUT FOR WHAT IT TRULY IS. HE CAN DO NO WRONG EVEN WHEN ITS OBVIOUS. HORRIBLE.
Inheritance isn’t a problem. If you are a scapegoat in your family, you won’t see it anyway. It will go to golden child. Don’t put yourself in line of fire to hope for mere chance of the inheritance. Is it worth sacrificing your well-being to be ghosted anyway?
What's actually sad about being the scapegoat is, you have to constantly remind yourself how abusive your narcissist parents are/were. Otherwise you would just go running back and admit that everything was your fault. I constantly had this urge to do so, the codepency was just too strong, a large portion of my energy was used to keep myself away from them. My mother was really adept at 'enabling', it's my father's fault she divorced him, my cousin calls my golden child brother out on his lies, then he suddenly becomes the main enemy, after the incident, the scapegoat runs away. Obviously, her assuming the silent treatment will work, unfortunately didn't this time. So suddenly my cousin is pardoned, and everything's my father's fault again. Everything is everyone else's fault, they can do no wrong, seems like my father isn't taking her shit anymore, she will probably be blaming the next door neighbors cat if she has no one else left to blame. The new scapegoat is most likely my brother, or his wife, but now it's my brother's turn to get trauma bonded to his father
I'm actually not working at the moment. finishing my Clinical Counselling Masters online so i can help clients eventually remote. Also.. if you live in United States, you can live in other parts of the world that are much cheaper. You will meet your soul family along the way and will also be more diserning on who you spent time with and allow in your circule... The issue for scapegoats is that they often are the scapegoat at their work or even friend circle. Many people we knew from before arent cool with us outgrowing them to expect to lose a lot of people regardless . I wish you all the success in the world with this transition
My favorite thing in the whole world is the fact that a child's behavior is all based around the parent's actions.. the child is not "bad" the parent is.
I was and am still the scapegoat but I was married to the narc. He has managed to turn 2 kids against me and they are his flying monkeys now. I have cut them all out but we all live in the same town. It's not easy.
That sounds awful, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's good that you escaped the marriage & him needing flying monkeys shows that he's in desperate need of your attention/validation, so stand firm & try to live your life as if he doesn't exist. If you pass him in the street, just be neutral & pay as much attention as you would to a random passerby xx
You should write a book . I have been no contact for over a year now and EVERYTHING you said played out. Your ability to explain this complex and horrible situation is extraordinary. THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart.
The role changes so much. I was unseen, Holden and scapegoat. My son was alienated from me, he now thinks its estrangement. Very difficult. I've become the one who has taken myself away from them all. At almost 60, it's hard not having my kids, and not being part of my family of origin by choice. Me and my brother are now just starting to share information, its heartbreaking what he went through too
Adding this one to my Mental Health playlist so I can play over and over to remind myself there is light at the end of this horrible, emotionally exhausting tunnel. Thank you x
Oh wow, thank you, that means so much! I desperately want to help people in the headspace I was in at my lowest & I promise you, there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. You should check out Dana Arcuri, Daylight Out of Darkness & Bumped, Bruised, Blessed on here - all scapegoats with some excellent advice you can add to your playlist. Patrick Tehan is great too - he's a scapegoat turned therapist, so he's got a fantastic perspective on narc abuse. Stay strong & here's to you reclaiming your life & happiness xx
You can run, but you cannot hide. It goes with you. It has helped me just knowing I am not going to be blamed, lied about, and smacked down and others have been through it, too. They will keep trying to blame you. No matter what you do (or change) to please them.
Ah. The scapegoat gets happy. But be careful the world is full of more of the same kinds of characters. I see them everywhere, and it's really unpleasant to attempt any healthy interactions.
Oh absolutely. Looking back, I had a narc flatmate & a narc colleague who both did untold damage to my mental health in the past. Once you know the signs & patterns, you can identify them pretty easily & learn to avoid/detach. I have a zero tolerance policy to anyone remotely empathy-deficient. I hope things are better for you these days xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 so true so true. It's amazing how we all react the same...after the fact. We were the good side of the relationship. We are still reeling. All w want is peace of mind, peace of soul. And avoid further trouble. We know happy. We know how to love. We don't know how to take all the new struggles. We just don't have time to waste on the nonsense. We know how to appreciate the best.
My parents tried to throw me out on the spot and in the winter. I stayed a few more weeks, then lived in two homeless shelters. Shortly after, I got student loans and access to student housing. That was early 1990s. I graduated medical school as a fellow of internal medicine around 2000. But it is only now, thanks to videos on narcissist, that understand what happened! I still work with it in my 60s
You're so welcome & I'm so happy you're planning on making your escape from the toxic narc world. You deserve to be happy & to be truly loved. I hope that you start recovering from everything you've been through xx
Oh bless him. Yep, isolation is extremely common in scapegoats, partly because our parents intentionally kept us isolated to prevent external influence messing with their programming, and partly because of trust issues - you can't get hurt if you don't have people to hurt you. I'm working on my self imposed isolation & getting better bit by bit. I hope your brother eventually gets to overcome this. 32 is young & he should get to experience all the world has to offer. As time has passed after going no contact, I'm getting braver & I'm sure he will too xx
From the bottom of my heart, thank you dearly. ❤️ the amount of validation you just gave me was so rewarding for all that I went through. Thank you for showing me how important I was to them, that was something they would never tell me. I wish you the happiest life. ✌🏻💕
I left thru educational programs at 16, went no contact in my early 20s and then gray rock for the next 23 years. I always lived thousands of miles away. In the end i took care of my parents thru hospice...both at the same time. By then they both had dementia. My dad thought i was his mother and became docile. He died and she only had two years of peace before she passed. They were both 91. She did not shed a tear. A cautionary tale on her part. Dont waste your life with a narsisist. Their behaviour to include my brothers was so extreme and abusive that i felt zero obligation to stay and free to go. I became scapegoat because my father could not handle the mother daughter relationship. The targeting of all three males led to physical and SA. The basis of scapegoating is disrespect. My mom didnt protect me. She stayed mostly i believe bc on her own she had no means. I dont believe i would be alive today had i stayed. My life has been full of adventure and rich with experiences.... but i never married nor had children.
You're so welcome & I'm so glad that I can help you. My mission with this channel is to do exactly what you said - share my experiences & validate those of survivors', just as happened for me when I started learning about scapegoating & narcs from channels like Angie Atkinson & Bumped Bruised, Blessed (both excellent resources well worth checking out). I hope you recover well from the narcs in your life - keep on fighting xx
I dont feel the tables have turned. they don't need me in person. They can still slag me off, maybe more now. But yeh, they are waiting for me to have learnt my lesson. There is no scenario where they learn that we could have communicated. It's been FOUR YEARS now..
Oh bless you, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm all too familiar with self destructive thoughts & made attempts in the past, but now I'm horrified that things got that bad. Part of me thinks my narc wants me in the grave - partly to remove me as a threat to her facade, but mainly to give her 'oh my poor, troubled, insane daughter died, I'm such a martyr for doing my best for her' fuel that'll keep her high for the rest of her life. Don't give yours that sick satisfaction. I had a chronic, low key 'I'd be cool with it if I died today' thought my whole life, but not anymore. I have hope for the future & it came gradually as no contact progressed. I'm sure you'll start to see brighter days too - find support, be it therapy or even just an FB group for scapegoats. There's some great books to check out, especially 'Rejected, Blamed & Shamed' which is purely about scapegoats. Other good ones are 'Will I ever be good enough' & 'adult children of emotionally immature parents'. Hang in there xx
Amazingly comprehensive summary packed in to 15 minutes. You just told my life story back to me. I had no point of reference. I did it blind and alone 25 years ago. Anyway. Super excellent advice. Great work
I started by estranging from one sister 17 years ago. Continued navigating the extremely difficult relationships with my other sister and my parents. My mom passed away in 2022. It was then that over about a year trying to navigate a relationship with my father and a lot of therapy that I realized my family of origin is toxic and my father is a narcissist (my oldest sister likely is as well) and I am the scapegoat. I am working on no contact with all of them but it is so very hard as many of you know because he is my father. But the further away I get the stronger I become and the more I grow as a person. I am 50 years old and thank God for the family I have created and the mother and wife I am.
Girrrlllll......., The exact details that you speak of is exactly to a T my entire life. It’s just so sad. It’s mine boggling to us empaths that this even exists to begin with. Keep posting more videos, you’re helping the world around you. Thank you
Aww thank you, you're so welcome! It's maddening, isn't it - I panic about whether or not I'm polite enough to baristas when I pay for coffee & here's all our narcs worldwide, intentionally destroying everyone around them, just to get their kicks. Its awesome that so many empaths are waking up to their narcs' shenanigans though & I'm so happy I can contribute a little bit. I hope you're coping ok with the narcs in your life xx
Thank you for the talk. It was very helpful especially when you mentioned about financial dependence. I trusted by mother brother and sister and they betrayed me with all the money and properties my father had left me when he died. They pretended to look after all my properties and lands and made me financially dependent on them. They abused me every time they deposited money in my bank. When I left my narc family, they stopped giving me money and I survived a year with low income while they were swimming in millions. But I never asked for a penny and went for legal advice. I am now fighting to get my properties and lands which have been occupied by their tenants for 13 years and I had lost income which they had used to have a lavish life and to have their love, I lived like a beggar and tolerated mental abuse. Game over for them, my lawyers are very close to get my stuff and hopefully all the gift my father had left me for my financial worry free life, I will get them very soon.
The narc just gets more devious as he ages. All I hold for him now is pity and disgust. None of my family can be trusted and none of them are my friends. I have effectively been an orphan since I was labelled as the scapegoat at age 5 for catching my pervert father beating my mother and having the courage to stand up to him. He's a cowardly wife beater and child predator and it's 60 years later and even though he's still alive, he died to me long ago. It was a godsend finding all of you on these channels. Cathartic. Wish the truth about these scumbags had become common knowledge when I was young. But living long enough to see these predators have a light shine on them is vindication itself. All the people who didn't believe me will be shamed when they realize that they were gullible fools conned by an incompetent inferior man with the mentality of a child
You described everything im going through to this day. Im 30 years old and i didnt have the words to describe what my father has been putting me through but now i know.
My narc sister would only communicate with me via email also. I figured her reasoning was that it gave her the power and control to decide if and when she would respond, and it gave her an opportunity to ignore the inquiries she wanted to ignore.(Like why she kept insisting she needed power of attorney over our mother) The reason this was angering to me is I was trying to find out, through her, the health of our mother whom my sister lived with. My mother no longer talked on the phone due to declining health so my sister was the only one that could give that info, and it was almost impossible getting her to give it. She did not answer the phone. It's kind of a modified silent treatment.
Definitely. I never knew I could be genuinely happy & thought I'd always hate life. Best decision I ever made. I hope you're recovering well from your narcs xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Thank you. It has been just over a year since implementing no contact. My intuition reached new levels of power as a result. Toxic people have no chance with me anymore. Kind of ironic to write that because I was literally surrounded by narcissists on all sides, friends, family and ex-wife's family (which is more like a cult than a family). Writing my thoughts out with pen and paper saved my sanity and my psyche. It is also now one of my favourite activities, hike out to a spot in the woods, find a log or rock to sit on and just let the words flow. I read a report somewhere that suggested one in six humans are narcissistic. Observing my own life I have to think that that number is under estimated. Its probably closer to one in three people. Narcissists breed narcissists at a far higher rate than they breed empaths which has been going on since the ancient Greeks. With all these narcs in the halls of power and everywhere else it's no wonder humanity is at the apex of its own collapse. Peace!
❤️ it seems I know this but sometimes I’ve gone back due to just trying to get up in the real world. I do know my ultimate goal is to say goodbye for good to all of them.
It's totally normal to have hope that they'll change - they condition us with intermittent reinforcement, so we keep chasing the next tiny dose of lovebombing & it's very difficult to break the trauma bond that they very carefully constructed to keep us hooked. You'll get there. The most important thing is that you know what you're dealing with now, so the more educated you become, the more empowered you are to handle them xx
The narcs never wanted me (the scapegoat) back because I called them out so many times that I was a very real threat to them. I did not hesitate to expose them to everyone I came across. This has certainly gotten me discarded, but also I have avoided any attempt on their part of hoovering me or ever contacting me again.
I've been no contact for several years, now. I still think of them most of the time. Could someone please insert a shunt to drain them from my thoughts entirely?? This is still not freedom.
Lol. I cut ties over a year ago. My mother is the narc. I love my sisters but they too have experienced the abuse. If they do pop up in my head I say to myself out loud “get out of my head devil not today” My family is hell anyway. Plus, my mother has been running a 30 year smear campaign against me to our extended family. I don’t have anyone anymore. My mother has made sure of it
@@iandurfee3439 same😂😂😂... I will reconnect..but my health had to come first..when you are physcally dieing is no joke..i said bye to everyone..she made sure everyone disappeared..what has damaged me is how i don't like reading the bible or going to church because she did alot of that but she is a devil
Yep, that's something that's annoying me too. I remind myself 'they're definitely not thinking of me as much as I'm thinking of them' thing & it's not the previous constant anxiety/worry that I dealt with, but it would be lovely to do a 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' & erase them from my brain! xx
@@angecynthia347 that's really hard for me, as well. Our family was immersed totally in the "christian" life. I didnt/don't understand. I just couldn't make it jive. I haven't set foot in a church in years. I doubt I ever will again. I don't have any bibles. Oh please...don't send me one. None of it makes sense.
I would never recommend grey rocking as that is just a round about way to let them know that they are succeeding in getting to you, which they are if you are consciously doing so. Best to just stop letting them push your buttons. No one is responsible for setting you off, that is under your control. Best to ask yourself why they are doing it and then just let it go as that is their problem to deal with and not yours. As you said, you're not responsible to answer to them simply because they chose to have you. The best thing you can do if they bother you that much is to become financially independent and then go No Contact and leave it at that. Playing the victim only serves to feed them that supply they need in order to feel like they are in control of you. Good luck.
I am so sorry you have had such a hard journey with your family, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with others. I am not as far down the road as you are, this is relatively new to me so I still have a way to go. It is good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel though. x
Thank you so much! The scapegoat community is honestly the nicest I've ever been in & it gets me pretty angry, as these are bright, funny, caring, considerate people who anyone sane would be desperate to have in their lives & for wholesome reasons. The truth is definitely a double edged sword, but us scapegoats lack our narcs bitterness & penchant for holding 50yr long grudges against people, so we have a stage of screaming into pillows, before striving forward with our lives. I hope you're coping ok with the narcs in your life xx
In my family of my youth. We all played different roles. If you didn’t fall in line with trying to out do each other with trying to be the better Christian or trying to take care of our parents emotional and physical needs. Then you become the worst person scapegoat. If you weren’t doing what was expected you were shit 💩
I wish you the best ❤️. I haven’t gone no contact yet because I feel bad for my enabler father who is suffering whilst trying to be blind. I can see that he is too weak to resist my mother, he has been through too much, child of war, never important, always had to function. He’s old and fragile now and even if he hurts me by supporting my mother’s gaslighting etc. I also see the hurting side and I feel I need to be the stronger one because leaving now would crush and kill him. I’m greyrocking and will leave when he dies - I think. On the other hand my life is going by as the trash can, only that now I’m the kind of can whose lid doesn’t open easily (greyrocking). But staying strong, letting the trash pour down without reacting is hard. I’ve fought with depression since my teens but seeing through things has helped in the long run. I kind of watch them now when I have to deal with them, I try to support my nieces and nephews when I see that they are being trained into trash cans. I can’t just leave these children alone. On the other hand my life is important, too. Summary: I don’t really know what to do 😔
That's such a difficult situation. Is it possible to arrange either an in-home carer or residential care for your father? It wouldn't remove him from your mother's influence, but it would give you a 'well, I did my best' pass to leave without feeling guilty - not that you should feel guilty for trying to preserve your sanity There's obviously the expense to consider, but if they have savings, a car they never use, a house way too big for them, etc those are assets that can be sold to fund old age care. I'm not sure where you live, but here in the UK there's a charity called Age UK which has resources that include general guidance on care options. It's worth looking into. This article leans more towards the child doing the care, but there's some useful info www.agingcare.com/articles/caring-for-narcissistic-parents-150302.htm If you have siblings, it's time for them to take some of the burden instead of leaving you to handle everything You are the most important person in this situation. Sad as it is, your dad made his choices in life - he's an adult & he has to deal with the consequences of those choices xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 You’re so kind. Thank you for your response 😘. My parents live together and my sister is going to inherit the (too big) house. My father would never move away from my mother as he is emotionally dependent on her as far as I can judge. My brother and sister both have narcissistic traits, my sister more so than my brother, and both do the scapegoating along with my mother, only that now I don’t take that role any longer. It’s still hard to go there, with my chin up and just spending time with small talk and ignoring their attacks. All is covert and I used to fall for it by calling them out. It was always the start of the real, overt, rageful attack. The last one was after my mother told me that I mattered less, inheritance-wise, than my sister as she is married and I’m not. Luckily the attorney was able to tell her that things don’t work that way. She was still able to arrange things in a way that my part is smaller. My brother and sister raise their children with emotional neglect and partly abuse. The roles of scapegoat and golden child changed in my brother’s house because my niece has “solved” things by becoming extremely good at school and is very talented in arts, but she is so withdrawn and serious, it’s painful to watch. I tried to give her consolation when she was little and feeling devastated but my family has painted me as the psycho and she has gone at a distance. They call me that because I have depression and spoke up regularly, even when depressed. I used to feel suicidal due to the gaslighting and rages that followed, that’s the next reason why they called me psycho, but I don’t engage with them much now and I trust that by acting decent in spite of their attacks, and kind and reliable to the kids there will be a moment when the kids will see the truth. I’m in Germany.
@@chrisg7795 Save as much money possible without telling anyone. Try to find a therapist specialized in childhood trauma (look for EMDR sessions, you can do it by Zoom). Save whatever info; recordings, etc of any abuse in case you need it in the future to prove your innocence. Take care.
This is the most direct, well put explanation I have ever heard to date. Literally my family to a tee and me being the scapegoat. Incredible. Amazing how common this seems to be reading the comments on so many videos like this. God bless you, my fellow scapegoats!
Thank you! I definitely will - I honestly had no idea how fast my channel would grow! It's a bit sad too, knowing so many people are out there, suffering scapegoating abuse. Here's to a scapegoat army, fighting back & thriving. I hope you're coping ok with the narcs in your life xx
I was three and a half when mother told me, " you'll have to work hard for mummy to love you. I won't love you just because you are my daughter, you have to EARN it, work for it. Every day". I know where you're coming from, trust me 👋❤️❤️
Very, very accurate. Also, all narc families are essentially alike. It's the same damn story with all of them. There's no real love in these families. In the end, they'll just gouge each other's eyes out over the will, or some such deal. Rest assured they hate each other, and that the family is completely fractured. I was the scapegoat for my generation. But it's been decades since I had anything to do with my family, so new scapegoats have been slotted into place. I'm now part of family mythology, and tales about me are occasionally told to people I've never met. I'm a legend.😊
I highly recommend changing your telephone number when going no contact with more than two or three people. It allows us total control over all of our contacts. I think it is highly probable that growing up with narcissistic parents means we have a few toxic types in our social circle that also need to be weeded out. Peace!
The important thing is that you got out. I think it takes time for us to work everything out. The analytics on my channel at my end are fascinating, as they show various info including the age groups of viewers. The vast majority are over 40yrs old, so it seems to be that we reach a breaking point & it takes a few decades for us to get there. I hope that with the increase in narc awareness, youngsters will figure things out sooner. Well done on escaping & I hope you continue to reclaim your life & recover xx
Please be respectful to other commenters. Everyone's experience is unique & judgement of their personal choices on how they deal with narc abuse is unnecessary. Please also refrain from recommendations such as 'you need Jesus' or 'God works in mysterious ways' - many members of our community were raised in homes where religion was used as a weapon & comments like this are triggering. 'Estranged parents'/'estranged grandparents' trolling here & spammers/scammers are not welcome & their comments will be removed. Thank you.
Your silence kills them. I left my family at age 22 when I had my daughter and at 25 I cut complete ties with them. You owe them nothing. Blood doesn't make family
That’s right. Blood and DNA makes relatives - not family.
How did you leave did u tell them ur leaving and why etc or just leave without saying anything. Not sure what is best
@@studynp5838don’t tell them anything. Work in silence.
Best to plan your escape. Get everything ready and better to go without telling them They'll try to sabotage your leaving.
I left and went no contact for 8 years then went back early this year and realised I'd gone where angles fear to tred. I had a place 15min walk from them.
So I planned my escape. I told them I was looking for another place "in the area" as I wasn't happy in that place.
Then gave excuses of being too busy to see them, what with work, packing and viewings.
Then I quit my job and moved far away from them.
I let them know id moved out of the area and told them I was going no contact again as I needed some time.
I thought it best not to piss them off and just disappear on that note.
My advice the less they know the better. Easier for you.
Remember you don't have to be sincere with the insincere.
@@Chris-tc8sm Thank you so much hope ur doing well. I left without saying anything, they kept asking for my address didn't give them
I never wanted to give up trying. I thought estrangement was crazy, but four years after I asked to be heard, I am only finally accepting that it makes no difference whether i'm there or not, they will still label me (first) paranoid and sensitive (which I objected to and asked that it stop) and then, labelled aggressive for asking them to stop, and then feeling unheard when I persisted in my requests that they stop labelling me, they labelled me angry and when I gave up and wouldn't come back to heel, I've been labelled ''detached from reality'' and ''insane'' and they're sorry I'm so unhappy. I can just never be heard. That's not how this family works
"Narcs deal in transactional relationships" - gem of the day.
It's so true. Learning that was a huge game changer for me. They have no concept of unconditional love, merely seeing people for what they can do for THEM. I hope you manage to recover from the narcs in your life xx
I recently heard an explanation of convents vs contract relationships. Narcs and dysfunctional family members are most definitely conditional and contractural in my experience
" we are the most important member of the family" 💣
I like the fact that the commentator made the point that narc cult members ‘are not very bright’
Ha! Yep, that was a big 'woah' moment for me - the realisation that my narcs are not actually the final authority on everything & that I don't need to run my every move by them. My mother fancies herself as this big intellectual, but all she does is quote chunks of books. She doesn't actually comprehend them & understand deeper meanings of things eg, she can quote a poem, but she lacks the empathy needed to actually understand it. I hope you're coping well with the narcs in your life xx
Silent treatment is a blessing. RUN....
Absolutely! The greatest gift my mother ever gave me was that last dose of silent treatment. Glad you made it out too ❤
Yup. That's when I made my exit at 26🥳🎊. Official exit. Turning 30 in 2 weeks drama F•R•E•E!
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Am about to
Yass!!!
I started to realize that my entire life my family created a smear campaign against me no matter what I did so, why should I worry about it now. I am 100% No Contact and I have no reason to ever change that. ❤
Exactly
So did Mihn! It’s so awful not understanding why people look at you strange and say things like “why is there so much controversy around you“ and you have no idea why someone would even say that to you because you don’t know that people you loved and trusted, have been lying about you and saying you’re crazy and unstable and that you do drugs behind your back when oddly you’re the only one out of the entire group that isn’ta criminal, no criminal record, successful, work life, and financially stable and their lives are a mess. Make that makes sense!
Me too
Me too
"The old tricks don't work anymore..." This means peace♡
I love the way you describe the spineless jackasses of the family who happily let you suffer abuse so they can get the ‘glory’ of this dysfunctional system. The whole dynamic is evil and demonic and we MUST LEAVE and save ourselves. Than find a our own success and happiness. That’s the ultimate knife in the back to them - when we are successful and happy.
You're very good : I completely got rid of my dysfunctional family and am marking return to sender to all mail. There's no place in my life for narcissistic people.
Aww thank you! Excellent job on standing firm & enforcing your boundaries. I hope things are much better for you these days xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Yes, they are, thanks for asking and I also wish you the best. Being a scapegoat leaves scars that need to heal.
So much of what you said rings true for me. I've known my whole life that my family was weird, 25 years ago I had a breakdown and refused to believe the doc when they said my relationship with my mum wasnt healthy. It took the death of my dad during covid to see them for what they all are. At 52 I've gone from highly medicated for depression and anxiety, medically retired from work to going to the gym, crafting, being creative and having the time to enjoy my own family. No pressure, no stress, no backbiting, triangulation or dread. Working on the guilt, but realise that's just a lifetime of manipulation. Knowledge is power, thank you for sharing your story. To younger folk, the move is beyond hard but life is so much better
It's lovely that you've turned things around - well done! Narcs take up so much of our time & emotional bandwidth & I was amazed by how much of that was suddenly freed up when I quit
I became a fitness nut, I started brushing up on my French, my flat has never looked tidier, etc!
Covid was kind of pivotal for me. Mainly due to me getting it right at the start of the pandemic & my narcs not caring one bit. Also things like my narcs triangulating me with my brother - bragging that they broke lockdown rules to visit him, while I was completely ignored
I think if covid never happened, I'd never have had that 'wow, even in a borderline apocalypse, they DGAF' moment of clarity
Keep on working on your recovery - you're doing fantastic ❤
Same, 52 as well and I only recently realised how defensive my mother is, how we all revolve around reflecting her own rosy view of herself back to her, any challenge to that is met with martyr beast indignation. My dad is a foot soldier, my brother is conveniently blind to it. One of my early childhood memories is we went to the circus and even at about 6 I thought, or felt, we're pretending to be a normal family here. I Hope you can live in peace and ease now.
I'm also in my 50s, and my situation is similar to yours. I haven't yet escaped my narcissistic parent and family, but your post gives me hope that there is peace and healing on the other side.
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 covid was the best thing that happened to us in a weird way... i always believed when we were going through .. that it was exactly what i needed... it exposed the narcs
@@katydid594 yes.. its so much better.. you feel like you can live to 200
I hate the thought of anyone suffering this kind of insidious abuse, but to have validation of what I went through is helpful. I tried every way to get my Mother and siblings to treat me differently, but they don't love me enough. I have gone no contact for 4 months now. I hate it, I love these people. They are my family, but I must love me more. I am starting therapy this week. Im looking forward to professional help.
Excellent that you're starting therapy, I hope it goes well for you. The validation of a therapist telling me 'this behaviour you've been subjected to is not ok' was pivotal for me, as it blew away all my second guessing & self-gaslighting x
I finally found a channel that speaks to my sad life. I was raised by toddlers too! I’m just realizing that they made me believe the fucking worst about myself. And I’m 46 ! Thank you for this channel 🙏
Our best thinking comes in our 40’s. I went NC from my narc mother a little over 2 years ago now, the rest of the siblings a little over a year. My mother sent Christmas cards to two of my friends, but not me this past holiday season. Amazing stuff. Steady onwards, I will not be hoovered back into this toxic dynamic.
Great video!
Thank you so much! You're so right about our 40's - very much my 'get your sh*t together' decade! I'd had treatment for mental health stuff for years, but the root cause - the narcs - had never been truly identified or addressed, so nothing stuck. Once you identify the cause of everything, everything else just seems to work itself out! Stand your ground and keep yourself on what sounds like an awesome path xx
That is such a sneaky awful manipulative thing to do. My sister did stuff like that and eventually destroyed all my friendships from where I was from because everyone believed her lies. They will literally make up stuff about you and destroy your life. I wish so much that where I lived there was a way to connect with people who have been through this because really people just don’t understand unless they’ve been through it.
Daughter of narc mother, golden child brother and enabling father and sister. I was the scapegoat too. Finally went no contact with the whole family years ago. I can RELATE girl. Going no contact and moving states away has been extremely helpful. The final step is getting rid of my mother's negative comments that still haunt me today. Desiring a mother to nurture me even though I'm in my 40's now. Feeling so stupid to even want or need mothering, but it's because I never got it. The "Mother Wound" is for real. Healing this wound is the final step and there's some information out there, but it's hard to find. Love your channel. So relatable. Blessings to you as you continue to heal. You are not alone.
Excellent job going no contact!
I'm totally with you on the mother wound thing. Finding my auntie was amazing, as she's the same age as my mother & she has more maternal instinct in her little fingernail than my mother has ever had. I'm actually being careful not to be too needy & clingy & take things gradually, but it's been amazing having a female, blood relative say things like 'I love you", 'you're so pretty', etc, having never had that before
I think once I get rid of my weird relationship with food, that'll be the end of mothers voice in my head - all the disordered eating was from her constantly going on about weight. I'm working on it, but it's weird as anorexia/bulimia were my best friends & looked after me, if that makes sense. Sort of 'I can't control what my family does, but I can control how little I'll eat today'. Super bizarre!
Keep on fighting & you'll win in the end x
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 I love that you are able to lean on your auntie. That's wonderful! I have my grandmother, but will be really sad when she passes away. She is in her 80's. I'm sorry about your eating disorder. I didn't experience that myself, but can see how that bit of control can give one a sense of power when you feel you have none with a mother. Healing is such a long process. I heard today that people with a Mother Wound don't normally catch on until their 40s!!! If before then, you're ahead of the ballgame. Pretty crazy! You sound like you are from England. I'm from Tennesse in the USA. I have family in London. :)
@Adrienne Candace belonging is a book from Toko-pa, I heard her from Bethany known for her mother wound podcasts.
@Adrienne Candace Toko-pa called it conscious estrangement
Bravo Lady. I had the same, its very hard.
Poverty and depression are ALWAYS narc-made (manipulated)!! Many springlighted Thanks!! 🌻👍🌹🌎🍀🌠🎁🌈!!
Absolutely! Hope you're doing good xx
"NARC. NATION"? Author,? Circa 2005,? said, the same: Re: "the Great Recession"!!
All the Over-mortgaged Homes @ $$100K+ to $225,000+ More than they'd ever be able to Afford, - Before -> the Next Recession!!!💥
This is spot on from a person that gets it. I too come from this type of family. I left at 18 physically and emotionally at 31. Now 41 and numerous hoovers and having to be around them at the occasional wedding or funeral, I am 100% done. I remember hating my mother and sisters at 7 and I still feel exactly the same way now. They will keep scapegoating as long as you are still there.
I’m 31 and seriously considering going no contact. I am doing the grey rock but the flying monkeys are now hoovering. I’m hoping to relocate soon and go no contact whilst I still have the rest of my life ahead of me. I don’t want to keep going like this and spend the next 31 years wishing I went no contact sooner
i think it takes us sooo long to go NC because we ARE often empathic and feel SORRY or PITY for the Narc.
this was often the case for me
Well, they made us co-dependent and their pity-play and gaslighting have their part too. Besides, they made us to believe we can't survive on our own plus the obligation and shame instilled on us. It's not just one tool they used; we were programmed to fail. Of course, being empaths makes harder to swallow the hard pill of truth.
This was what I did to myself too.
Wow, what a perfect name for a channel 'raised by toddlers', I couldn't put it any better than that one sentence, because that is exactly what it is to have narc parents.
Thank you! It really is just like being the only adult in the family, even at a young age. It's so bizarre. I hope you're managing ok with the narcs in your life xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Absolutely, my mother literally has 2 year old tantrums when she has to be accountable for her actions, it sure is bizarre! Thanks for shedding light on this topic, it was ignored for so many years :)
I love your story. I very much connected with this. It almost exactly mimics my own experience. I left at 18. My father was the narc. My brother the golden child. His wife and my sister the enablers. Just sickening.
Aww thank you! It's scary how similar everyone's experiences seem to be - narcs are like clones of each other! Well done on getting out when you did - I wish I'd done it years ago, but that seems to be a common theme in the recovery community. The important thing is that we did it in the end xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Thank you. It's a lonely road, but worth it. Happiness is when you connect with kindred spirits like you. ❤
@@tigerbunny6778 hope you getting well everyday, also a victims here....
@@Peanuts76 You too! ❤
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Yes, your story, RBT, is almost identical to mine although it took me to the age of 60, last year, to hear my mother on the phone telling me off again just as she always has over and over and over again all my life and physically assaulting me when I was 12 years old and I simply heard myself say to myself- "I don't care anymore! I simply just don't care anymore!" And that statement in May 2023 set me free and I have kept it up ever since. I even recognise when I have the horrid Trauma Bonding feelings and I can now make them go away inside me!
This video put into words the chaos of my life that I couldn't explain!
That's amazing & means a lot to me - I'm so glad I've been able to help. It's such a huge ball of confusion & years of a nagging 'something's not right' gut feeling, isn't it, but once you get your 'aha!' moment, the fog vanishes. I'm so glad you're on your way to recovery xx
I have been enlightened that family and friends could see that I was the scapegoat. So the smear campaigns actually made my mother the narc look worse in my grey rock. People understood completely why I was not around.
Hope that helps ❤️
Great content!
It's amazing how similar our experiences have been. Breakdown, no contact, and being bribed back in with the inheritance, and eventually walking away from it to win my self respect. Narcs are indeed emotionally immature people. Thanks for your videos, they helped me realize I'm not the only one.
It seems the only way to be free is not to care what others think of us and just let them be.
This is eerily similar to my circumstances. I grew up in a narcissistic family & married a narcissistic man who also comes from a narcissistic family. My daughter is narcissistic too. I'm done being their punching bag. No more holidays, birthdays, or just simple texts or phone calls because I REFUSE to be their scapegoat. They can regulate their emotions through someone else. I am living my own life now. My mother NEVER contacts me and then tells me what a horrible mother I am to my daughter. I'm done with all of them. I'm sad though because I have no family except for my son but I am very happy that I have him. Interestingly, he sees all of their narcissistic crap. Thank God. I lived for years letting all of them gaslight me into thinking I was the problem. No more. They are all selfish and the crazy ones.
Well done for standing up for yourself - to multiple narcs too! That can't have been easy. There's a quote by Ghandi - 'even if you're in a minority of one, the truth is the truth' which is so comforting. It's sad not having a family, but it's better to be alone than utterly miserable xx
This is so good! My children have been drum rolled into positions against. The financial stuff is spot on. Lived it and breathed it. DESPERATELY trying to find a way out.
I want to give you a big hug for your awareness. I couldn't have put it better myself. I am in my 40s now. Please God help all in this hell 🙏🙏🙏
Aww thank you ❤ you're stronger than you know & the more you learn about narc abuse, the better armed you are with the knowledge of how to combat it. It's worth checking out Bumped Bruised & Blessed's channel - lovely girl in her 40's & I was stunned by how similar her experience is to mine. Honestly, I swear all these narc parents came from the same factory, lol! ❤
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 thank you so much for this encouragement 🙏 ❤
I was the only child of a covert narcissist mother who nearly destroyed my life. But healing and succeeding are possible! Keep the faith and keep working hard. ❤
I also regret talking to my brother after my mum gave me the silent treatment the most recent time. I thought he would act as a mediator and go back to them and put my side forward and that they would understand when it came from him. But it made things worse. She lied to him. That made me angrier. He believes her. That leaves me feeling betrayed by him. I have had therapy. It's not a magic wand. I am reading/listening to a lot about mindful self-compassion, mind body code and the antidotes to the archetypal wounds. Like you, the ONLY end to the silent treatment that my parents can envisage is that I see the error of my ways and crawl back to them grovelling.
The intentional creation of sibling rivalry has to be the cruellest part of the abuse for me. Brothers are supposed to be our protectors & best friends, but instead, we're trained to fight each other for the conditional affection of an insecure lunatic.
Keep on studying everything you can - knowledge is power. The more I've learned, the more ridiculous I find the concept that my family thinks I'm going to be coming back due to fear of missing out - the only thing I'm missing out on is chronic anxiety & depression!
Stay strong & keep on building yourself back up xx
Yup. I am and have always been my mothers scapegoat. I’m having to live with her right now, because of an alcoholic narcissistic now ex husband, she tries to treat me like I’m the kid she always manipulated and crapped on. I’m almost 55, and she still does it. I’m in HER house so I’m beneath her. When I leave, I will never set foot back in this house until she’s dead and we’re cleaning her crap out.
That sounds like an awful situation. Normal parents would jump at the chance to help their child, no strings attached, but narcs use it as an opportunity to get a huge dose of control/power/superiority. Hope you can get out soon - have you tried 'grey-rocking' her? It's essentially being civil, but providing zero emotional response, so she won't get the fuel she's after. Dr Ramani has a great guide to the method on her channel xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Oh yes, I’ve studied narcissism for a few years now, “Do not engage” is my motto. Lol
@@leah__gail u do well to leave….. self sufficiency and depending on none and protecting ur power is #1 especially when u lose ur power from engaging with narcs
Leah Gail have you seen a professional?
It might not sound right but its soothing to see somone as raged out as myself at narc mothers.narc mothers are the hardest to recover your soul from.may all of the narc rest in deepest hell ameen.
Very similar to my story. I moved across the country many years ago to maintain Low Contact with my mother. I went No Contact when my mother gaslighted me in favor of a sister who had stolen something from me. She had also enlisted the Golden Child in this scheme. It was a final straw type of moment. After I confronted her and went No Contact, she tried to hoover me by calling and feigning senility, claiming that I had called her and left a message that she was returning. No apology for what she had done, just more games. It was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders when I learned about narcissism and that I wasn't the defective one. Thank you for your channel. You create wonderful content. ♥
Oh wow, thank you so much! Well done on standing your ground & not falling for the hoover. Narcs get pretty desperate as they get older, as the opportunities to obtain backup sources of narc supply dwindle. Fake illness is a favourite of mine & I've made a video about this specific type of hoover, which you might find interesting. Keep on putting yourself first & let your narc deal with the consequences of her own actions. I hope you continue to recover from these awful people xx
I haven’t spoken to my narc dad in 12 years. However I still see him at family gatherings. But act like he doesn’t exist. He still has that fake mask on every time, but I see his evil spirit.
It struck me that he would rather lose a daughter than ever apologise, reflect on his actions or see himself as wrong in any way. It still blows my mind. I wonder what life would be like without having experienced narc abuse.
Well done on staying no contact. It's so sad, but that fake character they all have is their one true love & the only thing they care about & genuinely love. The only way I can wrap my head around the concept is how I saw my eating disorder as my best friend/protector & it didn't matter how bad life got, because I had 'her' looking out for me. Thing is, I got help & realised that 'she' was actually trying to end my life. Narcs lack the insight to have a 'hmm, I've chosen my mask over my kid, that's not great' moment of clarity.
All we can do is move on with our lives & leave them to deal with their choices
xx
Me too
Yeah but sometimes it’s the child who is the narc & scapegoats Mom. It’s happened to me. 😢
Wow it's basically you have told my life story. It's disgusting that others can use people like that. My own dad, when I was unaware of narcissim abuse and told him I was depressed and suicidal in my teenagers years. He was looking at his phone with a smile, they are deeply broken. I am glad I've finally cut tie with all of them at 28. It has been a year now, and no more alcohol to numb my pain. Life is good and wish you the best is to come xo.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I totally relate the the bizarre responses/reactions from narcs when we're on the verge of ending our lives. They see emotion as weakness, so when we cry, they're repulsed rather than moved to cuddle us & find us help. I'm so proud of you for escaping & for quitting alcohol at such a young age. Life without both those things is beautiful, plus the amount of money I've saved from not buying vodka or 'please, please love me' gifts for those mutants! I hope you continue to recover & thrive xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Love you, thank you so much. It makes a difference to know we are not alone. Sending you a big virtual hug and wishing you a beautiful amazing life xo
@@Angell_Lee stay strong.❤ Surround yourself with supportive and positive people. U will become the strongest version of yourself. ❤
@@simpleboy4392 Thank you so much love, right back at you. You are awesome ❤
It was passed on to me . The scapegoat brilliantly left the state . My mom complains that she never calls. But my mom never calls her even when my sister as in the hospital! The youngest has always been the golden child - she is just like my mom. Thank God my sister that moved is very aware that my mom is a narcissist. I’m glad she got out.
Thank you for taking time to put this content together. I’m 54 and my mum is 84, she’s the narc and my brother is her flying monkey and golden child (I now understand through therapy & these videos) & he’s the one who has given her grandchildren not me. But last Christmas she finally, completely broke me and I’ve gone no contact. It’s really tough isn’t it. As you say though whilst they arent there physically they are still in my head & from a worry point of view the “ultimate bomb” would be losing my inheritance to my brother & this destroys me. You’re video really speaks to me and things I have done and been subjected to. Comments in your video and others help me towards acceptance and how to build my self worth back up but from where I am it seems an impossible hill to climb.
Well done on going no contact & I'm so sorry for all you've been put through. Holding out for inheritance is a tough one. I've resigned myself to the fact that I was probably never in the will anyway, largely because of the false narrative my father spreads that I'm 'a lunatic who's bad with money', even though through my career, I was in a position of trust & vetted annually, including credit checks, as there's potential for corruption/bribery when people in that role have money worries. I knew that if I stayed, my parents would outlive me either through me ending my life or keeling over with a stress induced stroke or heart attack, so inheritance would be a moot point anyway! It's a tough one. Ive actually done a video about inheritance that you might find helpful. I hope you recover in time & can leave those awful people in the dust where they belong xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 thank you so much for this reply. So thoughtful & helpful 🙏
I’m in the same boat. I recently went no contact and curious whether they will remove me from the will. My freedom is worth more than their dirty money. “The wealth of the wicked is stored up for the just”
I AM IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION YOU'RE IN. EXACT POSITION. MY MOTHER HAS CANCER AND HER GC CONVENIENTLY BANGED A GIRL UP 25 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM, UNMARRIED AND FOR WHAT I KNOW TO BE TO TAKE MY INHERITANCE. THEY ARE AWFUL. I TOOK CARE OF HIM MY WHOLE LIFE MORE THAN HIS OWN MOTHER BUT THEY ARE TRAINED BY THEM TO POINT THE BLAME ON US.....BY THESE PARENTS. I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I EXPLAINED THE DYNAMIC TO HIM FOR HIM TO NOT ONLY IGNORE ME BUT RUN BACK TO HER ABOUT IT. THEY BREAK THE COVENANT AND TRUST AND IT CANT BE GIVEN BACK. SAD. ITS SO SHOCKING AND PAINFUL.....IT'S THE WORST LIFE. I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER FOR YOU. MY MOTHER DEVALUED AND DISCARDED ME ONCE THIS KID WAS BORN. ITS ONLY BECAUSE I'M NEARBY AND SHE'S SICK I AM IN CONTACT WITH HER BUT I GET A VEYR HATEFUL ENERGY BECAUSE I CALLED IT OUT FOR WHAT IT TRULY IS. HE CAN DO NO WRONG EVEN WHEN ITS OBVIOUS. HORRIBLE.
Inheritance isn’t a problem. If you are a scapegoat in your family, you won’t see it anyway. It will go to golden child. Don’t put yourself in line of fire to hope for mere chance of the inheritance. Is it worth sacrificing your well-being to be ghosted anyway?
What's actually sad about being the scapegoat is, you have to constantly remind yourself how abusive your narcissist parents are/were. Otherwise you would just go running back and admit that everything was your fault. I constantly had this urge to do so, the codepency was just too strong, a large portion of my energy was used to keep myself away from them. My mother was really adept at 'enabling', it's my father's fault she divorced him, my cousin calls my golden child brother out on his lies, then he suddenly becomes the main enemy, after the incident, the scapegoat runs away. Obviously, her assuming the silent treatment will work, unfortunately didn't this time. So suddenly my cousin is pardoned, and everything's my father's fault again. Everything is everyone else's fault, they can do no wrong, seems like my father isn't taking her shit anymore, she will probably be blaming the next door neighbors cat if she has no one else left to blame.
The new scapegoat is most likely my brother, or his wife, but now it's my brother's turn to get trauma bonded to his father
I had to leave ... The country . I couldn't take anymore of these people .
Me too. Moved to Europe lol
Me too!
Ur so lucky. I dont have any money to escape to another country. I dont know what to do anymore. I have endured so much.
I'm actually not working at the moment. finishing my Clinical Counselling Masters online so i can help clients eventually remote. Also.. if you live in United States, you can live in other parts of the world that are much cheaper.
You will meet your soul family along the way and will also be more diserning on who you spent time with and allow in your circule...
The issue for scapegoats is that they often are the scapegoat at their work or even friend circle. Many people we knew from before arent cool with us outgrowing them to expect to lose a lot of people regardless . I wish you all the success in the world with this transition
Me too.
My favorite thing in the whole world is the fact that a child's behavior is all based around the parent's actions.. the child is not "bad" the parent is.
I was and am still the scapegoat but I was married to the narc. He has managed to turn 2 kids against me and they are his flying monkeys now. I have cut them all out but we all live in the same town. It's not easy.
That sounds awful, I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's good that you escaped the marriage & him needing flying monkeys shows that he's in desperate need of your attention/validation, so stand firm & try to live your life as if he doesn't exist. If you pass him in the street, just be neutral & pay as much attention as you would to a random passerby xx
How do you manage having no contact with 2 of your children Lynn? Is it bearable? X
One of the BEST I have ever been privileged to hear. Thank you so much!
Wow thank you, that means a lot! You're so welcome. I hope you're managing ok with the narcs in your life xx
You should write a book . I have been no contact for over a year now and EVERYTHING you said played out. Your ability to explain this complex and horrible situation is extraordinary. THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart.
The role changes so much. I was unseen, Holden and scapegoat. My son was alienated from me, he now thinks its estrangement. Very difficult. I've become the one who has taken myself away from them all. At almost 60, it's hard not having my kids, and not being part of my family of origin by choice. Me and my brother are now just starting to share information, its heartbreaking what he went through too
You are precious Light, Love and the Energy for Good when the scapegoating is the thing of the past.
Adding this one to my Mental Health playlist so I can play over and over to remind myself there is light at the end of this horrible, emotionally exhausting tunnel. Thank you x
Oh wow, thank you, that means so much! I desperately want to help people in the headspace I was in at my lowest & I promise you, there's definitely light at the end of the tunnel. You should check out Dana Arcuri, Daylight Out of Darkness & Bumped, Bruised, Blessed on here - all scapegoats with some excellent advice you can add to your playlist. Patrick Tehan is great too - he's a scapegoat turned therapist, so he's got a fantastic perspective on narc abuse. Stay strong & here's to you reclaiming your life & happiness xx
You can run, but you cannot hide. It goes with you. It has helped me just knowing I am not going to be blamed, lied about, and smacked down and others have been through it, too. They will keep trying to blame you. No matter what you do (or change) to please them.
Ah. The scapegoat gets happy. But be careful the world is full of more of the same kinds of characters. I see them everywhere, and it's really unpleasant to attempt any healthy interactions.
Oh absolutely. Looking back, I had a narc flatmate & a narc colleague who both did untold damage to my mental health in the past. Once you know the signs & patterns, you can identify them pretty easily & learn to avoid/detach. I have a zero tolerance policy to anyone remotely empathy-deficient. I hope things are better for you these days xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 so true so true. It's amazing how we all react the same...after the fact. We were the good side of the relationship. We are still reeling. All w want is peace of mind, peace of soul. And avoid further trouble. We know happy. We know how to love. We don't know how to take all the new struggles. We just don't have time to waste on the nonsense. We know how to appreciate the best.
My parents tried to throw me out on the spot and in the winter.
I stayed a few more weeks, then lived in two homeless shelters. Shortly after, I got student loans and access to student housing.
That was early 1990s. I graduated medical school as a fellow of internal medicine around 2000.
But it is only now, thanks to videos on narcissist, that understand what happened! I still work with it in my 60s
“Something is profoundly wrong with my family” all my mother’s doing.
Thank you, this is exactly what I needed to hear after years of being the emotional punching bag, I'm close to moving on 💜
You're so welcome & I'm so happy you're planning on making your escape from the toxic narc world. You deserve to be happy & to be truly loved. I hope that you start recovering from everything you've been through xx
My brother was scapegoat
he gave up at 32. Cannot have anything to do with most people now.
Oh bless him. Yep, isolation is extremely common in scapegoats, partly because our parents intentionally kept us isolated to prevent external influence messing with their programming, and partly because of trust issues - you can't get hurt if you don't have people to hurt you. I'm working on my self imposed isolation & getting better bit by bit. I hope your brother eventually gets to overcome this. 32 is young & he should get to experience all the world has to offer. As time has passed after going no contact, I'm getting braver & I'm sure he will too xx
This is all so true 👍you express it all exactly how I would have. It amazes how narcs all almost exactly the same
From the bottom of my heart, thank you dearly. ❤️ the amount of validation you just gave me was so rewarding for all that I went through. Thank you for showing me how important I was to them, that was something they would never tell me. I wish you the happiest life. ✌🏻💕
I left thru educational programs at 16, went no contact in my early 20s and then gray rock for the next 23 years. I always lived thousands of miles away. In the end i took care of my parents thru hospice...both at the same time. By then they both had dementia. My dad thought i was his mother and became docile. He died and she only had two years of peace before she passed. They were both 91. She did not shed a tear. A cautionary tale on her part. Dont waste your life with a narsisist. Their behaviour to include my brothers was so extreme and abusive that i felt zero obligation to stay and free to go. I became scapegoat because my father could not handle the mother daughter relationship. The targeting of all three males led to physical and SA. The basis of scapegoating is disrespect. My mom didnt protect me. She stayed mostly i believe bc on her own she had no means. I dont believe i would be alive today had i stayed. My life has been full of adventure and rich with experiences.... but i never married nor had children.
Thank you so much for sharing! It makes many of us feel not alone while we're in the process of becoming our beautiful selves.
You're so welcome & I'm so glad that I can help you. My mission with this channel is to do exactly what you said - share my experiences & validate those of survivors', just as happened for me when I started learning about scapegoating & narcs from channels like Angie Atkinson & Bumped Bruised, Blessed (both excellent resources well worth checking out). I hope you recover well from the narcs in your life - keep on fighting xx
I dont feel the tables have turned. they don't need me in person. They can still slag me off, maybe more now. But yeh, they are waiting for me to have learnt my lesson. There is no scenario where they learn that we could have communicated.
It's been FOUR YEARS now..
I still on this phase, dont know how to survive and escape......
Depression still creeps in, but the suicidal thoughts subsided slowly ...
Oh bless you, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm all too familiar with self destructive thoughts & made attempts in the past, but now I'm horrified that things got that bad. Part of me thinks my narc wants me in the grave - partly to remove me as a threat to her facade, but mainly to give her 'oh my poor, troubled, insane daughter died, I'm such a martyr for doing my best for her' fuel that'll keep her high for the rest of her life. Don't give yours that sick satisfaction. I had a chronic, low key 'I'd be cool with it if I died today' thought my whole life, but not anymore. I have hope for the future & it came gradually as no contact progressed. I'm sure you'll start to see brighter days too - find support, be it therapy or even just an FB group for scapegoats. There's some great books to check out, especially 'Rejected, Blamed & Shamed' which is purely about scapegoats. Other good ones are 'Will I ever be good enough' & 'adult children of emotionally immature parents'. Hang in there xx
Wow thank u I went thru all of this myself . Now it’s finally over 🔐
Well done on escaping. Keep on building yourself up & reclaiming your life xx
Amazingly comprehensive summary packed in to 15 minutes. You just told my life story back to me. I had no point of reference. I did it blind and alone 25 years ago. Anyway. Super excellent advice. Great work
I started by estranging from one sister 17 years ago. Continued navigating the extremely difficult relationships with my other sister and my parents. My mom passed away in 2022. It was then that over about a year trying to navigate a relationship with my father and a lot of therapy that I realized my family of origin is toxic and my father is a narcissist (my oldest sister likely is as well) and I am the scapegoat. I am working on no contact with all of them but it is so very hard as many of you know because he is my father. But the further away I get the stronger I become and the more I grow as a person. I am 50 years old and thank God for the family I have created and the mother and wife I am.
Girrrlllll......., The exact details that you speak of is exactly to a T my entire life. It’s just so sad. It’s mine boggling to us empaths that this even exists to begin with. Keep posting more videos, you’re helping the world around you. Thank you
Aww thank you, you're so welcome! It's maddening, isn't it - I panic about whether or not I'm polite enough to baristas when I pay for coffee & here's all our narcs worldwide, intentionally destroying everyone around them, just to get their kicks. Its awesome that so many empaths are waking up to their narcs' shenanigans though & I'm so happy I can contribute a little bit. I hope you're coping ok with the narcs in your life xx
Thank you for the talk. It was very helpful especially when you mentioned about financial dependence. I trusted by mother brother and sister and they betrayed me with all the money and properties my father had left me when he died. They pretended to look after all my properties and lands and made me financially dependent on them. They abused me every time they deposited money in my bank. When I left my narc family, they stopped giving me money and I survived a year with low income while they were swimming in millions. But I never asked for a penny and went for legal advice. I am now fighting to get my properties and lands which have been occupied by their tenants for 13 years and I had lost income which they had used to have a lavish life and to have their love, I lived like a beggar and tolerated mental abuse. Game over for them, my lawyers are very close to get my stuff and hopefully all the gift my father had left me for my financial worry free life, I will get them very soon.
The narc just gets more devious as he ages. All I hold for him now is pity and disgust. None of my family can be trusted and none of them are my friends. I have effectively been an orphan since I was labelled as the scapegoat at age 5 for catching my pervert father beating my mother and having the courage to stand up to him. He's a cowardly wife beater and child predator and it's 60 years later and even though he's still alive, he died to me long ago. It was a godsend finding all of you on these channels. Cathartic. Wish the truth about these scumbags had become common knowledge when I was young. But living long enough to see these predators have a light shine on them is vindication itself. All the people who didn't believe me will be shamed when they realize that they were gullible fools conned by an incompetent inferior man with the mentality of a child
You described everything im going through to this day. Im 30 years old and i didnt have the words to describe what my father has been putting me through but now i know.
My narc sister would only communicate with me via email also. I figured her reasoning was that it gave her the power and control to decide if and when she would respond, and it gave her an opportunity to ignore the inquiries she wanted to ignore.(Like why she kept insisting she needed power of attorney over our mother) The reason this was angering to me is I was trying to find out, through her, the health of our mother whom my sister lived with. My mother no longer talked on the phone due to declining health so my sister was the only one that could give that info, and it was almost impossible getting her to give it. She did not answer the phone. It's kind of a modified silent treatment.
I went no contact through my mother’s silent treatment too. Seemed like the best time to do it.
No contact is the only way forward, whether you get there immediately or some time in the near future.
Definitely. I never knew I could be genuinely happy & thought I'd always hate life. Best decision I ever made. I hope you're recovering well from your narcs xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 Thank you. It has been just over a year since implementing no contact. My intuition reached new levels of power as a result. Toxic people have no chance with me anymore. Kind of ironic to write that because I was literally surrounded by narcissists on all sides, friends, family and ex-wife's family (which is more like a cult than a family).
Writing my thoughts out with pen and paper saved my sanity and my psyche. It is also now one of my favourite activities, hike out to a spot in the woods, find a log or rock to sit on and just let the words flow.
I read a report somewhere that suggested one in six humans are narcissistic. Observing my own life I have to think that that number is under estimated. Its probably closer to one in three people. Narcissists breed narcissists at a far higher rate than they breed empaths which has been going on since the ancient Greeks. With all these narcs in the halls of power and everywhere else it's no wonder humanity is at the apex of its own collapse.
Peace!
❤️ it seems I know this but sometimes I’ve gone back due to just trying to get up in the real world. I do know my ultimate goal is to say goodbye for good to all of them.
It's totally normal to have hope that they'll change - they condition us with intermittent reinforcement, so we keep chasing the next tiny dose of lovebombing & it's very difficult to break the trauma bond that they very carefully constructed to keep us hooked. You'll get there. The most important thing is that you know what you're dealing with now, so the more educated you become, the more empowered you are to handle them xx
The narcs never wanted me (the scapegoat) back because I called them out so many times that I was a very real threat to them. I did not hesitate to expose them to everyone I came across. This has certainly gotten me discarded, but also I have avoided any attempt on their part of hoovering me or ever contacting me again.
I've been no contact for several years, now. I still think of them most of the time. Could someone please insert a shunt to drain them from my thoughts entirely?? This is still not freedom.
Lol. I cut ties over a year ago. My mother is the narc. I love my sisters but they too have experienced the abuse. If they do pop up in my head I say to myself out loud “get out of my head devil not today” My family is hell anyway. Plus, my mother has been running a 30 year smear campaign against me to our extended family. I don’t have anyone anymore. My mother has made sure of it
@@iandurfee3439 same😂😂😂... I will reconnect..but my health had to come first..when you are physcally dieing is no joke..i said bye to everyone..she made sure everyone disappeared..what has damaged me is how i don't like reading the bible or going to church because she did alot of that but she is a devil
Yep, that's something that's annoying me too. I remind myself 'they're definitely not thinking of me as much as I'm thinking of them' thing & it's not the previous constant anxiety/worry that I dealt with, but it would be lovely to do a 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' & erase them from my brain! xx
@@angecynthia347 that's really hard for me, as well. Our family was immersed totally in the "christian" life. I didnt/don't understand. I just couldn't make it jive. I haven't set foot in a church in years. I doubt I ever will again. I don't have any bibles. Oh please...don't send me one. None of it makes sense.
Thank you for this. One of the best I’ve heard on this journey of mine.
You're so welcome! That's really kind of you. Hope your recovery is going well xx
I’m so proud of you! Yay and Jo from NYC is sending you a big hug. God bless!
I would never recommend grey rocking as that is just a round about way to let them know that they are succeeding in getting to you, which they are if you are consciously doing so. Best to just stop letting them push your buttons. No one is responsible for setting you off, that is under your control. Best to ask yourself why they are doing it and then just let it go as that is their problem to deal with and not yours. As you said, you're not responsible to answer to them simply because they chose to have you. The best thing you can do if they bother you that much is to become financially independent and then go No Contact and leave it at that. Playing the victim only serves to feed them that supply they need in order to feel like they are in control of you. Good luck.
Wow, you just described my family so perfectly! 👌
Excellent video, So true!
Thank you so much! I hope you're managing ok with the narcs in your life xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 I am, it hasn't been easy, but it's worth it!
I am so sorry you have had such a hard journey with your family, but thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing it with others. I am not as far down the road as you are, this is relatively new to me so I still have a way to go. It is good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel though. x
Wonderful video! I can sooo relate!
I feel like I've found my tribe ♥️
"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off" G Steinem
Thank you so much! The scapegoat community is honestly the nicest I've ever been in & it gets me pretty angry, as these are bright, funny, caring, considerate people who anyone sane would be desperate to have in their lives & for wholesome reasons. The truth is definitely a double edged sword, but us scapegoats lack our narcs bitterness & penchant for holding 50yr long grudges against people, so we have a stage of screaming into pillows, before striving forward with our lives. I hope you're coping ok with the narcs in your life xx
Going back is like going back to the prison you you grew up in.
In my family of my youth. We all played different roles. If you didn’t fall in line with trying to out do each other with trying to be the better Christian or trying to take care of our parents emotional and physical needs. Then you become the worst person scapegoat. If you weren’t doing what was expected you were shit 💩
I wish you the best ❤️. I haven’t gone no contact yet because I feel bad for my enabler father who is suffering whilst trying to be blind. I can see that he is too weak to resist my mother, he has been through too much, child of war, never important, always had to function. He’s old and fragile now and even if he hurts me by supporting my mother’s gaslighting etc. I also see the hurting side and I feel I need to be the stronger one because leaving now would crush and kill him. I’m greyrocking and will leave when he dies - I think. On the other hand my life is going by as the trash can, only that now I’m the kind of can whose lid doesn’t open easily (greyrocking). But staying strong, letting the trash pour down without reacting is hard. I’ve fought with depression since my teens but seeing through things has helped in the long run. I kind of watch them now when I have to deal with them, I try to support my nieces and nephews when I see that they are being trained into trash cans. I can’t just leave these children alone. On the other hand my life is important, too. Summary: I don’t really know what to do 😔
That's such a difficult situation. Is it possible to arrange either an in-home carer or residential care for your father? It wouldn't remove him from your mother's influence, but it would give you a 'well, I did my best' pass to leave without feeling guilty - not that you should feel guilty for trying to preserve your sanity
There's obviously the expense to consider, but if they have savings, a car they never use, a house way too big for them, etc those are assets that can be sold to fund old age care. I'm not sure where you live, but here in the UK there's a charity called Age UK which has resources that include general guidance on care options. It's worth looking into.
This article leans more towards the child doing the care, but there's some useful info
www.agingcare.com/articles/caring-for-narcissistic-parents-150302.htm
If you have siblings, it's time for them to take some of the burden instead of leaving you to handle everything
You are the most important person in this situation. Sad as it is, your dad made his choices in life - he's an adult & he has to deal with the consequences of those choices
xx
@@raisedbytoddlerssurvivingn8578 You’re so kind. Thank you for your response 😘. My parents live together and my sister is going to inherit the (too big) house. My father would never move away from my mother as he is emotionally dependent on her as far as I can judge. My brother and sister both have narcissistic traits, my sister more so than my brother, and both do the scapegoating along with my mother, only that now I don’t take that role any longer. It’s still hard to go there, with my chin up and just spending time with small talk and ignoring their attacks. All is covert and I used to fall for it by calling them out. It was always the start of the real, overt, rageful attack. The last one was after my mother told me that I mattered less, inheritance-wise, than my sister as she is married and I’m not. Luckily the attorney was able to tell her that things don’t work that way. She was still able to arrange things in a way that my part is smaller. My brother and sister raise their children with emotional neglect and partly abuse. The roles of scapegoat and golden child changed in my brother’s house because my niece has “solved” things by becoming extremely good at school and is very talented in arts, but she is so withdrawn and serious, it’s painful to watch. I tried to give her consolation when she was little and feeling devastated but my family has painted me as the psycho and she has gone at a distance. They call me that because I have depression and spoke up regularly, even when depressed. I used to feel suicidal due to the gaslighting and rages that followed, that’s the next reason why they called me psycho, but I don’t engage with them much now and I trust that by acting decent in spite of their attacks, and kind and reliable to the kids there will be a moment when the kids will see the truth. I’m in Germany.
@@chrisg7795
Save as much money possible without telling anyone. Try to find a therapist specialized in childhood trauma (look for EMDR sessions, you can do it by Zoom). Save whatever info; recordings, etc of any abuse in case you need it in the future to prove your innocence. Take care.
This is full of powerful truth. I'm shaking. I'll be back to listen again.
When I left, the golden child became the new scapegoat.
Hahaha! Raised by toddlers! So true!
Left at 17 myself. In my 60s, and thanks to these videos, finally get it!
This is the most direct, well put explanation I have ever heard to date. Literally my family to a tee and me being the scapegoat. Incredible. Amazing how common this seems to be reading the comments on so many videos like this. God bless you, my fellow scapegoats!
I love your story keep producing pls
Thank you! I definitely will - I honestly had no idea how fast my channel would grow! It's a bit sad too, knowing so many people are out there, suffering scapegoating abuse. Here's to a scapegoat army, fighting back & thriving. I hope you're coping ok with the narcs in your life xx
Such a wonderful video! I thoroughly enjoyed it and I’m so happy for your success and personal growth. This video was very validating to me.
I was three and a half when mother told me, " you'll have to work hard for mummy to love you. I won't love you just because you are my daughter, you have to EARN it, work for it. Every day".
I know where you're coming from, trust me 👋❤️❤️
Fantastic description
Thank you so much! I hope you're coping well with the narcs in your life xx
Best info so true. Thank you.
Thank you. You're so welcome. Hope you're doing ok xx
Very, very accurate. Also, all narc families are essentially alike. It's the same damn story with all of them.
There's no real love in these families. In the end, they'll just gouge each other's eyes out over the will, or some such deal. Rest assured they hate each other, and that the family is completely fractured.
I was the scapegoat for my generation. But it's been decades since I had anything to do with my family, so new scapegoats have been slotted into place. I'm now part of family mythology, and tales about me are occasionally told to people I've never met.
I'm a legend.😊
Excellent video, expresses my experience very well, thank you.
Thank you! Hope you are recovering well from your narcs x
I highly recommend changing your telephone number when going no contact with more than two or three people. It allows us total control over all of our contacts. I think it is highly probable that growing up with narcissistic parents means we have a few toxic types in our social circle that also need to be weeded out.
Peace!
My narcissistic mom is 92. She rarely yells anymore but she has perfected her venom to a passive aggressive weapon.
I'm never coming back , I'm leaving them all behind I'm trying to create my secret escape plan at the moment.
I support u. You can do it. Never go back
Thankyou, I really needed to see this. Take all the time you need, I'll definitely be sticking around ❤🇦🇺
My mom has never said she was wrong, even after leaving all of us with my farther. My sister and her act like to mean girls in high school.
Thank you so much for your honesty and straightforward communication.
You nailed this! Similar journey💝
I Phys left at 61 father in his 90s for my mental health should have done decades ago narc and scapegoating from both parents and brother
The important thing is that you got out. I think it takes time for us to work everything out. The analytics on my channel at my end are fascinating, as they show various info including the age groups of viewers. The vast majority are over 40yrs old, so it seems to be that we reach a breaking point & it takes a few decades for us to get there. I hope that with the increase in narc awareness, youngsters will figure things out sooner.
Well done on escaping & I hope you continue to reclaim your life & recover xx
this video makes me soooo happy today. sounds like what I went thru. thank you
No one in America says “empathic” and it drives me crazy. They all say empathetic, but to me those words have different meanings
I do. Always have.
What a very understandable explanation! Thank you