How FALSE Narratives DEPOWER the Family SCAPEGOAT
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- Опубликовано: 28 авг 2024
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Are you the 'scapegoat' in your family? Have you ever been called "crazy," or mentally / emotionally ill, either to your face or behind your back? If so, you're not alone - This is one of the key ways abusers try to discredit, invalidate, and depower the scapegoat target so as to gain control via false narratives (or what I call the "scapegoat narrative"). To make matters worse, a narcissistic parent is often successful in getting the entire family to buy into their twisted and distorted narrative (aka a "smear campaign) about the scapegoat target. Family Scapegoat Trauma (FST) expert Rebecca C. Mandeville (author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed') shares her latest research results on this particular facet of Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA) and explains why perfectly sane people are made out to be insane by the family members that covertly or overtly abuse them. Watch 'The Scapegoat Narrative as Preemptive Strike' (mentioned in this video): • Understanding the Dama...
🔥Trigger Warning: If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional. Viewer comments may contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating.
💡Rebecca C. Mandeville is a thought leader and recognized expert in abusive family systems. She is also the author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' and a clinical expert in RUclips's Health Partner Program. You can visit her website at scapegoatrecov....
✅ You can purchase my best-selling book on family scapegoating abuse (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', on Amazon: amzn.to/3sEaqcx. Or buy from your favorite online book retailer via this secure Universal Buy Link (UBL): books2read.com....
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💡Learn more about my work on FSA, my book, and my FSA recovery coaching services, visit scapegoatrecov....
💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) and is
GENERAL and INFORMATIONAL in its scope. It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatr...
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🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
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🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencouns... You might also find some appropriate resources here via this site for people struggling with complex trauma symptoms due to personality disordered parenting, etc. outofthefog.we...
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Copyright 2023 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
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I am the scapegoat w abuse emotionally, verbally and taking for granted
I come and am acoa
I just ordered your book.im in the middle of a smear campaign in court to revoke my parental rights I'm praying this lawyer read it to
“The child who is most perceptive is often the child who is told they are crazy”. 💥💥
Yes. I address this very thing in a chapter in my book on the family Empath (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
Exactly.
I was told I was "crazy" for complaining about the real abuse. I was told "sane" for shutting up and lying.
This is backwards
That's me!.... unfortunately.
Oh yes, they WILL invert reality to suit themselves. Evil.@@dulceyprocaz
Being the family scapegoat looks like its for a lifetime. I'm now 73 years old and 4 of my sisters have no contact with me. I did have contact with one of my sisters but she invalidates or argues with me with everything I would share with her. I finally stopped calling her. It's like being called a liar even though I have no reason to lie about anything.
Sissy, I'm 68 and because of the internet & all the great therapists and others sharing their insights, I was able to figure out what happened to me and why. Your sisters have their own unresolved issues and are jealous of you...their loss, let them go and enjoy yourself!! 🙂
I identify with your situation. I am 68 years of age and have been scapegoated as being crazy all my life.
I have two older sisters whom I have had to go no contact with in order to heal myself.
This channel has been so gratifying. Along with the wisdom and information that Dr. Mandeville provides, the comments are affirming also.
I am 71 years old and in wanting to know why I always felt “different” and “younger”than others, I went to therapy.
I am an introvert and HSP. When the therapist suggested that I join groups and go out more, I left. She wasn’t listening.
However, her response led me to do my own research and that is how I came across scapegoating.
My Mom and sister were the “bullies”. I was never good enough, criticized and mocked.
My sister deprived my husband and me of being a part of her children’s lives. It’s been 25 years since I was in contact.
I’ve been told that she was jealous of me. I could never understand why, when I clearly was a messed up, crazy person, according to her and my Mom.
I still don’t know why. Now I don’t care. I have worked too hard, dealt with so much hurt, pain, anger and shame that I don’t want to open that door.
It is a great comfort to me to read comments by others in my age bracket. I felt shame because I was 71 and my inner child was crying for help. I realize that my experience “ stunted my growth.”
Thanks to Dr. Mandeville and the people who write such personal comments, I am healing. I am enough. I truly believe that God led me to this FSA channel. It has opened up wounds, but I can feel validated. I am crying as I wrote that word “validated.”
My abandoned, emotionally neglected child has been acknowledged.
Thanks to all the brave people here. I applaud you and pray for your journey as you grow into the best that you can be.
It’s never too late.
Thank you for your book, Dr. Mandeville and for your valuable work.
May God bless you all.
@@lindahenderson1625, ♥️🙏🏻♥️
@@lindahenderson1625God bless you!🙏🏽🩷
The problem is that family scapegoats often develop mental health issues over the years of isolation and lack of genuine human contact. Depression and anxiety from the horrid things they are being told about themselves are common. It then becomes a self-fulling prophesy. It's inevitable that a child who is raised this way will begin to have problems in life. They did not receive the love and emotional support a child needs and will most likely have struggles when they are an adult.
Agreed. Compounding the tragedy of this form of abuse.
Truly demonic!
@3catsn1dog So very well said. Most do not understand what childhood abuse does to people. At 18 we're left to fend when growing up was terrible. No foundation. Don't ever let someone tell you how you should feel. I had essentially zero resiliency in childhood and it has been extremely difficult.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I think it's really important have a therapist that truly understands the dynamics of being a family scapegoat to help people who have gone through experience. That's why the work you are doing is so important. I would like to help other people who have gone through this if there was a way. It's quite a challenge to work though some of this stuff.
@@knit1purl1 I hope you find your way. We can learn better coping skills than the ones we developed in childhood and become the people we were meant to be.
My narcissistic aging mother expects nothing from my sister, her Golden Child, when the time comes to be a caregiver. I can't wait for the moment to say to her, "How can a crazy person cook, clean, and watch over you? I'm crazy, remember?"
Bravo
I already told my sisters repeatedly in my 20's that she was their problem when she got old, and I would deal with my dad.
I feel the same. For the last 5 years I've begged my mother to just hear me out and she's pathologised me badly to avoid taking accountability for having treated me like I'm crazy et cetera. My mother is 79. When she needs me, I won't be there. My brother who reprimanded me for ''hurting mum'' can do it all.
@@SusanaXpeace2uSomething I read that helped me. Your hurter can’t be your healer.
Why would you put yourself through caring for her? You don't owe her ANYTHING!!! I won't help my narcissistic mother, ever.
17 years as a Mental Health RN, and I finally know I am not crazy!!! A lifetime of smoke and mirrors, in every aspect of my life. It has been a lonely life.
Glad you're here.
I get it. Mine has been so lonely too.
Scape Goat...... became ESCAPE Goat.... 73 years, finally happened. xoxo
Cute, I love the wordplay.
Congrats for getting out and, for what it's worth - a biiiiiig hug for all those years of hurt.
Me too! My 70s finally brought liberation. Better late than never! Cheers!
Way to go gurl!!! Im joining in! Scapegoated by family of origin, in-laws , last workplace and now daughter! I am done. DONE! No More will i tolerate devaluing behavior from anyone! And thank you for the word play. Best of luck to you, take care of yourself ❣️
Oh by the way-I’m 72.
Amazing. I’m 75 and only going through the anger in grieving g process now. Anger awakened as I’m watching narcissist destroy my son.
The scapegoat child is always the one, the parents are the most jealous of. The scapegoat has qualities and attributes they can only dream of.
Lots of channels say that the narcissist is jealous of the golden child.. I knew that was a lie. I knew it was the scapegoat because they put the scapegoat down alot.
They envy your traits, strengths and attributes, as they don't have them, but they wont own that envy, work on trying to improve themselves, so to compensate they try pull you down to below their level in my experience.@@mahoganyshanae6116
@@mahoganyshanae6116 yes because they think the golden child is their own reflection.
Hysterical was a favorite word they liked to use after gaslighting me to the point of exasperation and tears.
Oh yes - "Check!" Added to the list (!)
That's interesting because hysteric was a word applied to women in the Victorian Era, I think.
It is so odd that our families don't have the ability to accept us for who we are. We are probably more sensitive than they are. Thus, when we express ourselves, their lack of empathy prevents them from accepting us as different. They are uncomfortable with emotional expression and dismiss it rather than embracing it as a pathway to greater personal experience. As a teacher, I believe our educational system, by not exposing children to excellent literature, to study it deeply in order to experience all the possibilities inherent in being human, fails to not only educate but to develop empathy in young people. Through one's ability to empathize with others we experience our deeper, better selves, making the world a better place for everyone. When I attempt to understand another person's perspective, it is simply an acknowledgment that the sum is greater than the parts.
same.
I was thinking the same thing but did not have time to add this - thank you.
"Over sensitive" is another gaslighting term narcicists love to use after provoking their targeted scapegoat victim.
People sometimes get caught up in this to be part of a group, but as this escalates I don’t see how anyone cannot acknowledge this for what it is - evil. Even as a little girl I recognized people being treated badly and didn’t participate. As a little girl I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for the other child but I walked away. Everyone involved in these smear campaigns know exactly what they’re doing and they justify it. There is no justification.
Indeed, abuse is never justified.
In my personal experience "these" PEOPLE find THEIR Authoritarian Sadistically Catholic right to hate without a pinch of love for those they have entitled themselves as FAMILY to abuse.
@@keithstewart7514 Seems like you’re the sadist. Judging a group a people is toxic. Stop it.
I agree. I’ve never been a person to join in on a smear campaign or listen to or ever participate. It is evil and a form of bullying. People don’t question what they’re told they go with the group. Pure. Conformity.
NO WAY did, do nor would I participate in ostracizing ANYONE (sans the understood exceptions). I've always felt it sort of one of our duties on earth to look out for one another. The underdog always has a friend in me. 💛
Survivors who are (were) HSP or empaths as children already have a feeling of being different, often needing to be alone to process after a long day in an overstimulating and confusing world. Being called crazy or too sensitive as a form of gaslighting reinforces loneliness and isolation. The innate drive to express love and feelings is stifled, too. We wind up holding grief for a lifetime. Grief that was love with nowhere to go. We have to learn give it back to ourselves after being taught not to. It's a lot to unpack.
Powerful, and well said (also TRUE): "Grief that was love with nowhere to go. We have to learn give it back to ourselves after being taught not to. It's a lot to unpack."
Now put adopted HSP empath and you have my life
I never thought about this explanation -- love with nowhere to go -- but it makes so much sense. Lots of puzzle pieces fall into place with these simple words. Thank you so very much.
I found other things to give my love to (stray cats, TV shows, friends, possessions), and those were devalued too.
Love with nowhere to go, that's hits the nail on the head. Never thought of things that way. & just the pure confusion about why ur own support system would turn down peace, joy, building each other up etc. Shattering
"what's wrong with you?" After getting me to the brink of tears
You're so sensitive!!! So I say if I'm so sensitive, why do you speak so harshly to me.
They walk away. Never an apology.
What I find frustrating is that, obviously, no one who loves another person calls them "crazy." It's an obvious red flag of abuse that all family members, no matter how close to the scapegoat, should be able to identify and respond to appropriately. If a loved one is suffering from a mental illness then, as with any illness, they are deserving of kindness, respect, and support. Name calling someone with an illness, mental or physical (and they are both ultimately physical) is bullying abuse and there is no need for anyone to know any more of the story to firmly reject it.
I agree.
This is actually how I caught my mother in the untrue story she was telling, which was, I was/am schizophrenic. The way she says it is with revenge drive and bullying. It occurred to me one day after hearing once again, I must have dreamed an incident and that I was diagnosed schizophrenic when I was four *(not true). I thought, if I WAS and AM schizophrenic, why in the world would you bully me to the point I am distraught and full of despair??? It was at that point, I realized the gravity of what was happening. It was devastating.
As far as other people-I have asked about this over the years *(I am 55) and was told people know my parents are off…
It is really sad.
It can be disguised as concern. My mother did this. ''I'm concerned about you''. Because I was having a predictable reaction to being shut down, shamed, blamed, excluded, smeared, and *still not heard* Her distorted realities still prevail. She was ''concerned'' about me for having a reaction to all of that.
@@SusanaXpeace2u
O yes. My mum and sister did this as well after a long periods of bullying. "We just want to help you" "it appears you have a depression" Always denying their own harmful behavior.
Yes! Thank you for bringing this up. I've certainly experienced it as well. In my case, some family members preferred the "concern" approach (without interest in my perspective as to what I was experiencing or offers of practical help) and others outright cruelty like verbal abuse or lying about me - behind my back or to my face. In some ways those expressing "concern" are more frustrating because they use this act as evidence that they are not only fine but superior. One sister made a point to say "I love you" after doing some horrible things she did not acknowledge or apologize for, I think because as the golden child she sees herself as above the fray but, in her case, intentionally clueless. Of course I had not experienced anything that felt like love but a very typical experience of being scapegoated. @@SusanaXpeace2u
My crooked narcissistic family called me crazy, stupid, hysterical, etc... on a regular basis.
Probably issues they needed to work on themselves projected onto you, so they didn't have to deal with it. I've have seen this happen.
@@michellehumphreys step away from the crazies 🙃😁
My son committed suicide, aged 24. One of his greatest fears 'I don't want to grow up to be a dickhead like my Dad'. Very sad outcome. He was almost finished a MSc Physics, played the guitar, 2nd Dan Judo blackbelt, very sensitive. Invalidated by his narc father and the father's narc family, really let down. God bless you Philip. xxx
So very sorry to hear it. You may have seen this video already but linking you to it just in case... ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
Manipulated to the point of suicide by his father and his family is shockingly evil. I’m so sorry for your experience. You must have felt so helpless to save your son from this abuse. God bless you too. 🙏🙏🙏
My son committed suicide last year for the same reason. I am so sorry for your loss as well ❤RIP Jordan Chase
@@daiseymae6263 Horrendous experience and most unexpected. God bless. xx
@@lynnebuglar9830 I thought I just had to get my children over the finish line.... never ever expected this outcome. I haven't spoken to my daughter for 8 years now as she began to perpetuate her narc father's abuse and degradation annihilation of me AND was training her children to do the same to me. Horrendous outcome. 25 years and nothing to show for it.
Yep. "Too thin-skinned." "You're a hypochondriac." "Too sensitive." "You're overreacting." "You're grouchy." (When wanting to be left alone. I was compared to Lucy in "Peanuts" LOL).
I was told all of that as well…also…”grow a backbone..”
It would take everything in me to stand up for what was True and right just to be called too sensitive or you're too serious or you can't take a joke!
Interesting you were told you were a hypochondriac. Not only were you not allowed an emotional response, you weren't allowed a physical reaction either, or a physical symptom.
Yes, if you have a problem with us then you are the problem.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes. And there are several people who won't talk to me because they chose to believe that I am "extremely mentally ill" and "crazy".
Yes, often this includes extended family members.
That is their loss. I’m no contact and they think I did it out of an “emotional whim.” My brother said “So, you aren’t speaking to Mom and Dad now, huh?” As in it was my latest “crazy move”. This was after his wife started a smear campaign against me in which my parents were silent.
On my seventh birthday my mom made me a COO COO Birthday Cake. I told her I did not want the cake. She made it anyway. Then laughing, called me coo coo "Crazy" and took pictures of me and my cousin smiling in front of the cake. Then she had me hold the cake and smile for a photo. My Mom was an emotional abuser, a Narcissist. This never ended for me. Im not crazy.
@janethonas78 that is AWFUL , and is ABSOLUTELY abusive! 😢
@janethomas78,… your mother was the COO COO.
@janethomas78 That's extremely cruel and she's another example of why it's best that many women don't even consider having children! I put many because it's not just some, going by the thousands of comments I've read over the years.
Of course, some of them are much worse than others though, including my late mother, and it seems like yours belongs in that group too. ❤
So, your mother memorialized her narcassism for all to see. That's a reflection on her, not you. They stomp on our innocence and then call us crazy. Look how we rise above! Marvelous that our search has brought us all here for the support we all need. 💕☮️🙏
Horrendous!! She was putting her own self hatred onto you.
You took off that hatred by disagreeing with it.
No, you are not crazy!
Your mother was. You see that now. It is WRONG for parents to destroy their children’s souls.
Parents are to love and protect.
I was also mocked and ridiculed. My mother had me watch the movie “The Bad Seed.” She told me I was the little girl in the movie. She was a psychopath and murderer!
My mom told me “There once was a girl with a curl right in middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, and when she was bad, she was HORID.” I was bad and horrid. My mother’s mother was also abusive to my mother and killed herself. I never knew my grandmother but I knew her anguish for my mother poured it on me.
The cycle continued but I broke it.
Struggled with depression as a teen and mental health until I learned to emotionally regulate as an adult. Sometimes I feel the scapegoat narrative was warranted as I was really mentally ill.
Yet, it was a normal reaction to their psychological abuse.
We need a community who can understand what we need.
Working on it. I finally identified a platform that I think could work, and would offer members privacy - the number one requested feature! I'll announce it in the community section when ready. And in my newsletter.
My mom was so angry when I went to a psychiatrist and was told there was no way that I was bipolar or had a personality disorder. Mom kept asking me why I bothered to see a psychiatrist. I told her what she claimed I had was treatable so I went for the help available.
I still laugh about her reaction to the fact that I went for help. And she’s a therapist. She’s the very reason I’m so hesitant to visit therapists.
I’m not even going to start on the invalidating, golden child younger sister.
That was quite a strategic move on the Chess board on your part! Hence the title of one of my videos referencing when you grow up in family system that is more like a battlefield...
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse The very compassionate therapist I was seeing at the time helped me decide to do this. It was strategic on her part and I’m so grateful to her for helping me address that fear. I went to a very reputable psychiatrist and he even mentioned abuse. I wish I had kept seeing her, but the now ex- covert narcissist husband convinced me to stop going.
We were having too many breakthroughs at the time. That was nearly 20 years ago. The divorce was final this year.
I wish there was research like yours and channels on narcissism back then. I still have time to build a wonderful life, but I no longer have the invincibility of youth compelling me. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Thank you so much for your content! It’s needed.
I did the same thing. She kept telling me "I needed help", so one day I actually went to a therapist, told her what they told me. Now she just uses "go tell your therapist" whenever I'm "being crazy". All of the "concern" and "desire" for me to "go get help" went completely out the window now it's just confirmation that "she was right" all along. That was the final red line for me and all the evidence I needed that all of her "concern" for my mental health since I was a child wasn't "concern" at all just her justifying the results of her abuse.
60 years, and still working through the damage done in childhood. These videos are a gift; completely validating of my experience. Thank you.
🙏
same
I i
Ditto
At age 15, after I had remembered what she had done to me (after first having amnesia due to the trauma of it), I called her out publicly (not knowing anything about narcissism or abuse). She told everyone that I was "having an episode."
I'm so sorry. I also had "episodes" 🤍
Researcher Jennifer Freyd has done extensive studies related to "betrayal blindness" which is like a type of amnesia that our brain employs to protect us particularly when we are in a position of dependence on our betrayer.
Wow! I didn't know this. I guess this is what a nervous breakdown is?
My mom went behind my back to tell my ex- during my divorce- that I was bipolar, which he brought up in court, and the judge figured my mom wouldn't lie...But she had forced me to go to counseling at 17 or move out immediately, and they told me I was perfectly fine but my mom was tired of being a mom and she had decided to abdicate her responsibility. She tried to force me to sign an emancipation form, and when I refused, she surrendered me to the county- because my little sister was violent towards me constantly, and even though my mom knew it was all her and I never hit her back, they decided I must go. It was so humiliating. I was a 4.0 student, and having to explain to classmates that my mom didn't love me was rough.
Oh, what a tangled web these people weave...(sigh). What a terrible ordeal for you to go through.
Yes to both questions. It's a way of invalidating the scapegoat, but it's also projection
Narcissists suspect, and deeply fear that they are, at bottom, crazy. So what do they do with this fear? They project it onto someone else. As we all know, narcissists do a hell of a lot of projecting.
Yes. As do dysfunctional family members where there is a good deal of individual and trans/intergenerational trauma. That would be the Family Projective Identification Process, btw. Something studied for decades in the field of Family Systems.
Agree! They know they are different from others since they were small children.
Yes and it hurts so much and gets so old when your mom still does it to you when she's 74 years old.
@@Lisa.Halloran I didn't hang around the family after I became an adult. It's pointless. Possibly you shouldn't have either. There's just no point to it.
Before I went No Contact, I tried one last time to connect with my mother. I wanted her to "know" me, so I gave her the book "The Empath." Later, I asked what she thought. She looked straight at me, smile/smirked very wide, and said, "I gave it to your brother." It absolutely crushed me. She didn't care enough about me to learn who I truly am, instead of the crazed scapegoat role I was assigned.
Heartbreaking...
I feel this pain too. Yet, it wasn't like they knew us and then rejected us. They rejected knowing us. Big, big difference.
@@MF-my3db Very true. And insightful. I think what hurt the most was that she knowingly and gleefully crushed my spirit. What mother would enjoy doing that to her child!?! I don't get it.
@@dgvfsa66 Absolutely. As a mom and a scapegoat it's impossible for me to understand a mother behaving that way. I'm so sorry. I hope that desire to be known and loved for who you truly are is undaunted!
@@MF-my3db Thank you💃🦋🧚♀️
When abuse started to actually cause mental issues in me, as a child, they didn't get me the care I needed. When social services began an investigation my mom told me that if I said anything about them hitting me or that I didn't like them that I would be taken away, put in an orphanage, and I would never see my friends and family again. I've been rocking a solid borderline personality disorder diagnosis for my entire adult life. I trust no one. I have self harm issues. I have identity issues. I'm afraid to go to the doctor because I'm worried they won't believe me. I can't even keep a journal or hold a job because everything and everyone is "dangerous" to me.
Based on your comment, there are many videos here that will speak to your situation. You might scroll through my offerings on the home page of my channel where my playlists are.
Family scapegoating has ruined my life. From a child bought up by two narcisstic parents to an ex husband who alientated my children from me. I have been abused by everyone I ever loved. My current partner and I have bonded and healed over our joint experiences at the hands of abusive parents and exes and the fact they have passed the behaviour onto both sets of our children. We are surrounded by hatred but make our life positive and rewarding by blocking out the negativity. We are far from being recovered but just understanding the situation and starting to love ourselves, we are on a path to healing. Even after 11 years together they are still hounding us with revenge. Anyone who alienates their children from the other parent should face criminal charges. It perpetuates the next generation of toxic behaviour which often manifests itself late in life.
Celebrating your determination to heal - and glad you're here.
One of my high school teachers was openly nicknamed 'the crazy'. One time she addressed that in class saying that the upside to it was the freedom of behavior it allowed. It helped me a lot.
This. I think about this from time to time n it relieves some of the distraught lol
@@aroguereptilian She was also an excellent teacher: I can still read and speak French forty years later.🌷
What a wonderful response!
And a sort of public rebuke to the false narrative also. She sounds like a strong person.
They also try to make you doubt your memory. Especially when you remember something that they want to hide. The craftiness is amazing. You reveal a memory about something. After that, everything you bring up, even about normal things like a blouse color, is disputed with “ you always mix memories with tv shows”. I went to a doctor once thinking that I was crazy. The doctor was very intelligent. He said no, your a sane person who is dealing with insane people who want to discredit you. 😢
That would fall under 'gaslighting'. I'll do a separate video on that - because it deserves one.
Yes. I have heard stories of scapegoating victims commiting suicide. This happens in workplaces often and when people hear about it they think the person was troubled.
I have heard this also it is a form of murder by proxy , pushing the victim to suicide because of being abused so bad.
Bullying by proxy. Scapegoating and smear campaigns are aggressive forms of abuse. Gaslighting can also be a huge part of it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. Exactly the person was troubled so there is no accountability taken for the ostracising a person experiences.
You triggered a long ago memory. When I was younger and still under their thumb I did think of suicide. But then I figured that they would just twist that action to show how bad off I was and to minimize me. Then I felt totally hopeless! No escape! Had forgotten that.
Feelings of being humiliated comes to mind. This tacitly understood agreement can begin in early childhood. And time will tell the reason for that.
Truth has a way of revealing itself (sooner or later).
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Hi Rebecca. And the lesson in this is to not repeat their behavior by humiliating ourselves in any way, later on. We people pleasers need to see where that humiliating behavior really came from. Because in a way, that is what we're doing. To make up for something. A disadvantage somewhere in our past. Is that really a self defeating behavior? I feel that it was, now. It sure wasted a whole lot of precious time. Better late than never though. To any young victim stuck in one of these emotionally abusive homes, don't try to prove yourself in the future. But only if you're getting paid very well to provide a service. It's called being a therapist. 😁
One of my parents stories they told everyone (including me!) was "something happened to her" (insinuating I was molested). And yes I've had suicidal thoughts for my whole life.
@@merrill5780 Interesting. One of their "stories". How many are there? Seems like my adopted Mom had a lot of stories to tell, too. They don't change, do they. Their stories or their deceptive lies about what a bad kid you were. No. The Truth for them is too hard to face. That they were too busy to do their job of protecting you and that they refused to look at their shame or that they were too busy getting attention from somebody else. They'd rather put it on you, instead rather than to say, " I'm sorry. I failed you." Nope.Can't do that. So they have to convince others with half of the equation. But there are Two sides to every "story". Let them tell their tales of you. It will give you a lot of wisdom one day. I had one of those tale spinners. The last lie was from a flying monkey after her funeral. She said "You know, your mother Really loved you". I wish I could go back to that day 9 years ago. But instead of saying yeah, I know I'd say, " How can you know?" Never blame yourself for having a fake grown up. Real Grown ups don't thrown their own kids under the bus. Emotional control. Don't give them anymore to talk about. I think mine enjoyed my suffering. I see that some people are just not capable of doing the job God gave them to do. Take 100% care of you and your future. And ignore this immature behavior. I'd love on and only expect myself to do their job. I had to raise myself too. I had a whole hive of dominant female control freais in my past. Only trust your feelings. Never their behavior. You have a reason to be here. Be a testament to their nonsense. Hang in there. And know What they think and do doesn't even matter. You matter. They don't.
@kimberlyngernaat4235That's absolutely horrendous and my heart goes out to you for being treated so cruelly! They were obviously feeling threatened by the truth, so worked out a way to punish you for your "betrayal" of their toxic system.
I can relate to what you wrote about finding it difficult to function in the world, as well as the videos keeping you going.
I've learnt that being ignored is another form of abuse and family members do it with me on Facebook etc, including an aunty who defriended me, yet puts caring comments on cousin's posts.
She even mentioned that one particular group of nieces and nephews are her favourites. They don't know about her toxic behaviour though, which I witnessed while staying at her place as a child.
I could write a lot more on this subject, especially in regard to my immediate family members, but I've already written enough and it's not meant to be about me anyway. ❤
I'm so glad you covered this. The biggest way I was dehumanized and discredited, as well as pathologically controlled is to be called crazy. That is besides in-my-face mental rapes and sociopathic smearing to my friends, etc.. This is because my mother's biggest fear was being seen as insane because she had been institutionalized twice when we were under 5. At first, she used this escape and projection tool on my dad. I was seen as inferior once my younger sisters were born. Then it over time was used the crazy label on me. This is because I was severely depressed as a very young teen from being so abused and neglected. The worst part was that I believed it. It was pretty easy for her to force a negative identity on me since she had spent years breaking down my psyche. So for a short while, I acted this belief out with symptoms, I had such a severe disabling social phobia, I stopped going to high school I was in constant fight or flight in the presence of humans. This all just reinforced the crazy label when I was a teen and in my young 20s. I was so terrorized, I could not relate to others. I was so desperately lonely that I could only socialize by using alcohol to self-medicate my terror. I had two children out of wedlock, but being a mother drove me to be my best. I refused to drink alcohol. I never really used drugs. (The first therapist who told me that it sounded as if I was playing the scapegoat role, listed symptoms which included substance abuse, being grief-stricken, unwed pregnancies, usually the second child, etc.) But only my early shortcomings are focused on by my family, spoon-fed with shame to my kids, and not my achievements no matter how big.
I grated the college Summa Cum Laude and got into law school all for my children. I raised my children with zero child support under the hail of my family's constant down looks. To set what I thought of as the best example. Yet the family ignored these achievements. After leaving an abusive marriage, I worked from home to homeschool my children. I purchased two homes, renting one out. I had a low income so I really worked hard to do this. My middle son has excelled serving on the President's flight team and attending a college with one of the lowest acceptance rates. Yet my family credits nothing I did to that result. In fact, they say he succeeds in spite of me.
My sisters were pitted into competition with me so feel safest condemning me. My oldest two children were indoctrinated and they influence the middle. My daughter began to exhibit contempt for me early on. Today she doesn't speak to me and I cannot see my grandchild, but she sees my mother. My mother abused me in front of my first two kids so badly that my oldest had nightmares that she murdered me. I stopped seeing her then. To be called crazy over time drives you crazy so it is best to get away from it. And it's hard for those incorporated to know which came first the chicken or the egg. I finally had a therapist who heard from a friend of mine what my mother was saying about me. He told me that I kept going back to my mother like an abusive woman goes back to an abusive man. He said she would turn my kids against me if I exposed them. Ii wanted to be forgiving, and to have a family, and my social phobia kept me overly dependant. I hope hearing all this helps someone. We are not alone.
Well said. Thank you.
My narcissist former family system worked like the Devil to discredit me in a Gangstalking dynamic. They worked together. There are 15 in the immediate family not even including the neices and nephews. The discrediting is the most damaging. It assured me and everyone else that no one would believe me. 8.7 years NO CONTACT. It's the only way.
I was forcibly institutionalized by my family. Those involved where the ones who always were the cause of much abuse and drama in our family. Its a long story, with devastating results. One which I don't want to share here. They made sure I had nowhere to turn to process what happened. I was shamed into silence. Given the label of weak, crazy and unstable. This experience destroyed me. I feel as though I've abandoned myself and I don't exist anymore.
I'm so sorry. No one should ever experience such horrific abuse. It was not about you. I hope you will find healing and, along the way, moments of peace and joy that you deserve. ❤
I hope you find something of value here via my work on FSA - and a sense of validation.
I’ve gone through exactly the same thing and am e a tilt where you are. So, you’re not alone. It’s so terrible. Much love to you. ❤❤❤❤
My parents did this to me last year too. You’re not alone.
My brother had been carrying on an outrageous and extraordinarily disrespectful affair with his neighbor, of which he kept telling me the sordid details. He’s the real life equivalent of Ashton Kutcher during his marriage to Demi Moore - he moved in with his girlfriend (her house) when he was 25 and she was 38. 20 yrs later, he’s had multiple affairs yet he’s still with his girlfriend, who won’t marry him bc she got a bad divorce in her first marriage and she’s obviously smart enough to know a guy 13 yrs younger will fuck it up eventually.
I was recovering from being violently sexually abused by an abusive ex with narcissistic personality disorder who’d been cheating on HIS wife with me yet promising to leave her for me, so hearing my brothers stories was super triggering to me.
One morning, I’d had enough, and was telling my mom about how it was so awful and triggering and I couldn’t take it anymore, and would text his girlfriend the truth. My mom called 911 after that because “she was so worried “. About what? That I would “ruin Christmas “ by blowing up my brothers abuse of his girlfriend.
Things only escalated and I got put in a psych ward for 3 days after spending two in the ER waiting for a bed. That experience was so traumatic itself, both short and long term, it’s had legitimate negative effects on my well being. My mother still tries to justify it to this day.
Ironically and beautifully, my brothers affair blew up THIS past Christmas Eve night, and ruined Christmas this year. My mom called in the morning to tell me what was going on and told me to just “act normal.” I said nope and brought my gifts over later. Don’t need that shit in my life!!!!!!
I'm so sorry that you were targeted and devalued in this horrific manner. May God bless you with an abundance of the sisterly and brotherly love that you so richly deserve and never received! I am praying for you sweet sister and sending you healing. ❤
The reactive abuse made me look like a crazy person to my brothers. My mother sent me to clinic at age 6 for two weeks further cementing my "craziness" in the eyes of my siblings.
Speaking of reactive abuse - In case you haven't seen this video yet: ruclips.net/video/yE0LY7xAX0g/видео.html
When I was 20 years of age and at university, I suffered a major depression due to family scapegoating abuse.
Mind you, that was in the 1970's and there was little understanding of family systems.
I was fortunate enough to be referred through the university counseling service to an excellent psychiatrist who recognized what was wrong with me.
I remember her calling in my narcissistic mother for a joint therapy session.
The session was very validating for me as the psychiatrist held my mother accountable for her abuse.
But here's the kicker- I found out from one of my sisters decades later that my mother told everyone behind my back that the psychiatrist had told her that she was a great mother and that I was the problem! I had no idea she was saying these untrue things.
No wonder the scapegoating abuse intensified from that moment on.
Obviously my mother had suffered a narcissistic injury and retaliated by betraying me.
So cruel.
Unfortunately my family still believes that I am the problem, so I have had to go no contact in order to preserve my sanity.
Shocking...but not surprising, sadly.
My mother told me that my therapist said to her” how do you stand her?”
I guess these Narc mothers all have the same playbook.
They mistreat you so much that you start to develop emotional and mental health issue's. So, I guess it kind of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The Amazing thing is that if you get out soon enough, those problems start to go away.
This can indeed be the case - compounding the tragedy of FSA.
You make things up. I wonder what it would be like to marry a normal person.
I've been called a liar, accused of faking when I was very ill, and told I was always told I was the problem.
You may want to watch this video (I mention this in my book as well): ruclips.net/video/878iNKXSwHE/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you, I was already planning on watching that and getting the books. I was seeing a counselor for depression. It's been pretty bad after my older sister died of cancer and my siblings all turned on me, cut all contact and treated me like I killed her. I was excluded from her memorial by my 2nd oldest sister (a full blown narcissist) lied to my other siblings and told them I threatened her and her family, never happened. Long story but she has called me stupid as far back as I can remember. When I asked her one day what I ever did to make her hate me so much, she said I always wanted to go up town with her and Connie when I was little and she claims I would have a temper tantrum if they didn't buy me candy so that some how justified her calling me stupid all the way till she moved out after hegh school.
My oldest sister has condoned all the abusive things my 2nd youngest sister has done to me like stealing my new car 2 when I was at work. I hadn't even made the 1st car payment. I had been nice enough to lend it to her but I said no once so she took it. My oldest sister knew that she took my car without my knowledge but she acts like it was perfectly fine to do that to me. When she finally showed up with my car and I went off on her, I got yelled at by my oldest sister for causing a scene in her parking lot. Yrs later my 2nd youngest sister tried to seduce my boyfriend when I was working midnights as a Police Dispatcher. I found out that they went out for drinks and when they came back, he asked to use the bathroom and when he came out she was in bed naked waiting for him. I found out the truth from
her journal and my boyfriend. In her journal she wrote how funny it was that she thought she was going to take my boyfriend from me. We had been sharing an apt for several years and we had been close up to that point . I have no idea why she did that to me since I hadn't done anything to her. To make matters worse, she moved out a week later without any notice leaving me to try to come up with all the rent and she demanded that I give her her half of the security deposit back which I didn't have the money for All that with no notice at all. On top of her betrayal
she stuck me with all the utilities. She had a spare key made and came back a few days later and stole my $200 stereo that I just bought when her security deposit was less than $100 and she broke the lease, not me, and she owed most of that money for utilities. Of course my siblings keep saying that I should get over it. It's easy for them to say since it didn't happen to them.
Crawl down the road...so true! I literally packed my tiny car on the eve of the covid shut down in the snow! And left everything behind and became homeless living in my car to escape the worst family mobbing situation. I pulled into a 24 hr diner, not knowing where to go, i asked the waiter if i ordered tea and toast if i could at least sit at the table all night, he said sure, a few mins later he brought me my order and apologized but due to covid they would be shutting down the restaurant the following day but it was ok for me to be there for the night. It really felt like I was crawling down the road. But one by one people, good people, my children and others helped me along the way and I made it to safety. I know God was watching out for me the whole time.
My Mom and one of my brothers tried to convince me I was bipolar and my other brother smeared me to the entire family labeling
mentally ill and turning my nephews against me as well.
Yes 💯% “Bi-Polar” is their favorite. You are a normal, healthy, happy person … post physical financial emotional abuse … REACTIVE RAGE which furthers their approval to continue abuse. This is a murderous situation … covert, insidious and happens in “Corporate Families” as well. Our voices will be heard 💯%
I'm sorry that happened to you. I hear you and I am with you in a similar experience. It's terribly painful to be targeted by one's own family. I hope that your life is getting infinitely better over time.
Like I said, this form of abuse must be recognized. What a horrific thing to go through.
@@wildlightarts Ditto! Sorry for you too.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you for your love and support. Your channel is a labor of love. Looking forward to your next book. Let me know if I can help at all.
The timing of this video is perfect. I had to warn my daughter who got in touch with family that I had disconnected from (2007-2008) that they would tell her I was “mentally ill” and “crazy”. I mean why else would I take my 12 year old daughter and 14 year old son half way across the country to escape them? There’s nothing wrong with THEM, I’m just crazy. My older sister and mother are on ancestry and a few years ago a couple of unknown siblings popped up from our fathers first marriage (he’s dead), I tried to message one and she ignored me. I suspected that my older sister (golden child) got to her. That was ‘ 2019. I just found out that they met up and she has photos with them with caption saying how much she “loves” her sisters. And here I am, the crazy one I guess that they need to avoid. It is really wild!
Wild. Wrong. Unjust. Tragic.
Yup & yup! If they can convince others of this, any truths you tell won’t be believed. This is their goal
And the most perverse of all of it is that you cannot denounce the smear campaign, because you will be labeled as paranoid!
Precisely. That's the double bind: Damned if you do / Damned if you don't.
My older sister, the family bully typically resorted to calling me both crazy & evil whenever I disagreed with her or called her out on her abusive behavior. I’m ashamed to say, but I also called another sister, the oldest, crazy when she backed out of caring for our abusive mom. Of course, that’s what I’d been told by the bully & our abusive mother for years even though I had doubts. Yet once I did join in their perception our eldest sister was crazy, the narrative flipped and I was blamed & chastised for saying the same. Total crazy making family.
Thank you for your honesty. These dynamics are like a hurricane that can sweep in the entire family at times.
I am a 63 year old, female, . This really hits me hard in a good way. You are so spot on if somebody could take the time to sit down and interview me my story, like a lot of us is almost unreal! I’ve been doing the work putting in For the past three years, I’ve been listening to RUclips videos from excellent counselors and coaches. I’ve been the family caretaker the scapegoat you name it and they run to me when they have a problem to solve. I’m only useful when they want me around it’s very isolating very lonely, there’s so much I could say, but it’s too much to put in this little small narrative area, but not to sound narcissistic myself, but looking at since my childhood trauma is through my life now to this age, I would be an excellent study case for someone. Thank you and God bless you for all the work you do, and helping all of us!
If you subscribe, you’ll get a notice from me when my next research survey becomes available, allowing you to participate.
Thank you very much !
Yes. Smeared by my narc mother everyday since 1970 till 2006 and then again later. In my face and behind my back. Deep trauma. A living nightmare. Whole community involved. Had to leave town to survive, but could not make a living and returned. This video is the most validating thing I've ever found!
So sorry you have had to endure this. Glad you found my video helpful. You may also want to watch this one here on traumatic invalidation and FSA: ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
Phew 😢 I had to get my thoughts and feelings together after watching this video. When you said ‘don’t look at me that way’, it brought up a memory from my childhood that I had completely forgot about up until now. During childhood my Father used to say to me “Why do you look like that Lenore ?” “ I’ll slap that puss right off your face !” Wow ! I am an empath, and it brought up everything I felt back then…. like I knew it was coming, and I knew it wouldn’t happen, but it made feel like I couldn’t be my authentic self. This video is so validating to me, I feel empowered. The results of the study didn’t really surprise me, but it saddened me. I fell into the # 1 & 2 categories. I wouldn’t doubt many others do too. This was a great video, so much to unpack, and SO helpful. You have a special way of breaking everything down. Thanks a bunch💐Rebecca.
Thank you, Lenore, and you're welcome - glad this gave you some "A-ha!" moments.
One of the worst aspects is having to act a certain way to " lessen " the abuse. One feels a phony because one cannot truly express themselves. It's all about survival. Can you relate to that Rebecca? 😢
Thank you, Rebecca. I have been binging your videos since I found your channel recently and the validation you provide has been absolutely precious.
Yes, I was made out to be crazy, worse even - demon possessed. As a child, my vulnerable narcissistic mom had preachers praying and screaming at/over me to drive the supposed demons out.
As a young adult I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals where I was treated for Bipolar Disorder, BPD and OCD. I did a BA in Psych myself to try and figure out what was "wrong" with me. I only figured out 2 years ago that I am actually autistic + adhd. I am 39yo now.
I have 2 questions if you don't mind:
1. Do you see a correlation between being scapegoated and being neurodivergent?
Many other autistic adults I have been in contact with also identify as being the family scapegoat. Especially those with high demand avoidance traits.
2. This one is more interdisciplinary: When I look at social systems I often note how certain groups of people scapegoat other groups. Is this something you have an opinion on?
Thanks and thank you for the important work you do on all of our behalves. It is much appreciated.
You're welcome, and these are great questions. I'd like to address these in one or more dedicated videos, but the short answer to both is "yes' and "yes" !
talitaza8862 I am both neurodivergent and scapegoated.
@@MysteryGrey Hi. I think there are thousands of us. The thing narcissists hate most is authenticity. I hope the this gets studied more.
All the best on your path to healing.
Neurodivergent and scapegoat here!
@@debraa2944 ❤️❤️❤️
Not only do they abuse you, they tell you it's your fault so you believe it from the time you are just a baby. These are grown adults doing this to their own kids and siblings. Abusers deserve prison time.
This is so sad . As " scapegoatees" , true warriors If you are able to go through all that abuse, overcome it, then truly , anything is possible 💪 ❤
You truly are helping me feel seen, heard and validated. Deep gratitude to you, Dr. Mandeville for all the work you do. 💞
I am very happy to hear of your experience of my work on FSA. Thank you for letting me know.
I cannot thank you enough for your videos on this topic, they are a great comfort!! ❤❤❤
You're welcome!
THANK YOU for mentioning the child being SA'd by the ppl smearing them... The most damaging to my brain is the crazymaking cult like beliefs ... I STILL BELIEVE I AM who I've been TOLD I AM.... No matter how much my soul KNOWS my Self.... It is hell
It is a unique type of hell that few can possibly understand. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you find something helpful there: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I appreciate you mentioning the suicide risk in all this. My parents almost killed me by purposely convincing me I was insane.
Long ago I called this sort of thing 'soul homicide' (on a parent's part). I do indeed understand (first-hand).
♡ ☆ ♡ Thank you for validating us who have suffered on the uneven playing field of the dysfunctional family. This info is enlightening, & spot on. My life has been so negatively impacted by my "family", & I'm just relizing the narcissistic personality disorder type of my mother, step father, step brother, flying monkey siblings, & the scapegoating that I received...now finally everything makes sense, & all the puzzle pieces fit. You are saving lives !! Bless you for your work in this field. ..
🙏
My sociopathic mother called me crazy before I knew what the word meant... two or three years old.
Years later I realized she was projecting her understanding that she had serious personality disorders.
I live alone now. No one calls me names.
Projection plays a big role in these types of dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems that scapegoat. I have a few videos here discussing the Family Projective Identification Process, and I discuss this in my book as well (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed).
Wow! Narcissistic Abuse is the real pandemic. Thanks for your channel!
You’re welcome!
❤ Rebecca, you don't have to hope that your channel and your book offers validation - it validates for sure! Thank you!
You are so welcome!
Absolutely! You are helping those of us who have been singled out as the scapegoat. Thank you for shining a beacon of hope for us.
OMG! You are the first person in my old life that spoke about "eyes". From the time I was very small my Dad would state that I had an evil fire in my eyes. A beating all through the house wax usually to follow. The shame of being me was intolerable. I left home when I was 17. Surprise. with counseling I have become a success but I have stayed alone. Thank you for this video.
You're very welcome. Oh yes... the eyes. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors for additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
My narcissistic mother often told me. "Don't even look at me. I can't even stand stand the sight of you". I thought I had be so ugly if even my own mother hated me. It didn't matter how many times someone else said I was pretty. I thought they were just being nice. I'm in my 60's now and have been no contact for years. I have been in therapy for a couple of years. Now when I look at photos of me as a child I realize I was a beautiful child. When I got older I wore a ton of makeup because I wanted to hide my 'ugliness'. Now I hardly wear any makeup. I'm in my sixties and for the first time in my life I realize that my mother was extremely envious of her own child. She knocked me down physically and verbally every day of my childhood. She told people that I was a liar. I honestly did not know what I ever lied about but knew not to ever question her. Now I know that she told people that in case I ever told anyone how horrible she was to me behind closed doors. What a horrible childhood, that lead to a horrible adulthood, until I educated myself and started doing the work. I still don't think I will ever feel like a normal person that had a normal childhood.
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us. I'm sure many of us here will relate. I'm linking you to my most recent video as, based on your comment, I feel you will relate to a few things and may get something out of it: ruclips.net/video/qwENzJQo92I/видео.html
I'm in the middle of suing my family of origin for misappropriating the funds in my grandfather's will. My mom had schizophrenia and they always told me I was nuts like my mom. Now they're absolutely effed and wish they were nicer to me bc Imma make sure they lose EVERYTHING. I have that power now and its an amazing feeling.
It's gotta be - wow. Update us when you can and I wish you great success. Justice is so rare for the FSA adult survivor.
So sorry for you, ❤ Iam 63 and in a similar Situation take care❤❤❤
My siblings considered me to be the favorite child but truly I took on a role of caretaker and mediator, which put me deep into some very dysfunctional dynamics in my family of origin. I was picked on by my brother and sister. Now my brother doesn't speak to me at all. I can't trust my sister even though we are in contact. Our parents are both deceased now and despite everything I did to be the glue in our family, now I am in grief due to isolation. We grew up with unmitigated stress and trauma. Thank you for talking about this.
I'm so very sorry. Glad you're here. See if anything looks helpful on this resource list I put together for FSA adult survivors. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you🤍
This is what I’ve been told…In your imagination, over active imagination, early dementia, psycho, over sensitive, have strange thoughts and ideas etc. I called BS on a past event when narcissist try to gaslight me in front of people by stating a past event was in my imagination. I stated “really would you like me to call so&so adult and ask her why, I ended up at their place asking her to call social services for me.” The answer was no and I responded with “yeah I didn’t think you would, so don’t ever tell me or anyone else that I have an over active imagination.” I had a very good therapist.
Sounds like it! Well done. Glad you're here. Linking you to a list of FSA adult survivor resources in case you are looking for support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am 57. I have been cultivating exit idealology since the age of 4. I was the youngest of 4 siblings. I was always described as an "accident" in a harsh tone of being unwanted. Dad was a narc, mom mentally and physically damaged. Scapegoating is cultivating deep feelings of "not good enough" all the while being abused psychologically, physically, and sexually. I used to sob for hours as a young adult for seemingly no reason. Always and still have an over exaggerated startle response. Emergency mental health visits years ago for planning my exit. Now I have peace, albeit still have physiological symptoms of fear. I'm glad I found this channel. I still don't know how I survived and how I am not violent in some way, based on all the research I have done.
Hi Melissa. Very glad you're here. My research (as well as clinical and personal experience) revealed that many adult survivors of what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) are suffering from complex trauma (C-PTSD) symptoms as well as from betrayal trauma and traumatic invalidation - also, 'toxic' shame. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
50 yr old male INFJ, MA in historical theology and musician, my mother sexualy abused me and father sadistically abusive (drug me out of the shower and locked me out naked in the snow infont of the family type stuff) have stitches and burn marks all over my body from my big sister, they have called me ezquitsophrenic,addict and suicidal for all my adult life, my mother tried to talk me into suicide after she abused me the last time at age 17, been no contact for 32 years, they have no idea who i am, just a bunch of empty flying monkeys, God bless all the victims of these 'people'
What a horrendous family situation! Glad you are still here. Many may not have survived such treatment. Here's a resource list I created for FSA adult survivors in case you'd like more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Yep right to my face and behind my back! Crazy and Evil!
So sorry to hear it - but not surprising.
Another illuminating episode. While no direct recollection of being called crazy, I can clearly recall people saying things like “you’re a piece of work” or “youre too sensitive”. These never felt like a pos statement. always felt there was something wrong - with Me. Perhaps why I bought 70+ self help books, there was always ‘One more thing’ I needed to fix about myself because I couldn’t fix whatever it was. Now I have a name for it: FSA. Yes, I truly felt strange, was told more than once that I talked to myself (aloud). Later in life my gentle wife would catch my lips quivering and say “what are you thinking about?” She could see, I was processing some unwanted feeling, perhaps holding on to some semblance of reason. So, yes, I felt crazy and I thought everyone else knew about me. I really do admire the kid in me who persevered! One tough cookie in this abusive journey. So, thank you. I hope all our words can help someone else.
Yes, we can be grateful and appreciate our younger 'parts' that helped us to survive and make it through.
This video describes my life. I've gone NC with FOO and am healing and validating myself. I am also so blessed to have a supportive spouse who has witnessed the dysfunction for decades. Your book is a must read for all scapegoats. Thank you Rebecca
You're welcome, and so glad you found my book on FSA helpful!
I am 7 + years into my healing journey. 2 years no contact. Your right it's been the hardest work I've ever done to try and unravel the maze and the distortion. The level of trauma I experienced was honestly insane and at times I thought I wouldn't make it health issues, chronic illness, complex ptsd, buried underneath heavy depression but somehow I made it to a place where I can function daily, creating a business, raising a family. Ty for your dedication and care to people who are forgotten and to videos like this. I too am dedicating my career to scapegoats. sending love ❤
Thank you so much for this information. I'm 50 and hoped since my dad died 1.5 years ago the scapegoating would stop. Unfortunately my mom still does it and I think my sister might still see me as that. Its so sad and lonely.
no one ever could ever seem to understand what was the most prominent reality of my life to this day, my struggles remained unaddressed and a lot of people violated me and tried to “teach me about the way things go in the world” which was just invalidating my narrative and reflecting the discomfort they have had from me trying expressing myself to this day. For the first time in my life I started to think about the possibility that I am not the only bringer of the events that’s causing the biggest struggles in my life and my belief that I can’t expect anything positive from no one in the world and somehow still feel needy and a crybaby inside got challenged a bit.
These two videos may be helpful, given where you seem to be at:
1) ruclips.net/video/8BQ5Vrarp1g/видео.html
2) ruclips.net/video/C0OD-2ZA50o/видео.html
Tonight I googled and also came to RUclips looking to find info on the scapegoat unaliving. Yes this is happening. I want more info.
I went to my friends funerals and his narcissists at the funeral....wow.
Now I fear that I won't survive.
Yes we need to talk about this. We need help out here.
Glad you found my channel. Linking you to my resource list - you may want to start with by reading my introductory book on FSA (it's at the top of the list): familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
Every fiber of my being needed to hear those words, THANKYOU❤❤❤i’m forcing back tears sitting out in the backyard while my family is in the front & iikely complaining about me but i don’t want to hear anything. they informed me last night that i’m moving to my moms. today. but no one will tell me why.
You are so welcome, holding a good thought for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's abuse, and it's wrong. You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be treasured. I hope you give yourself a hug, remind yourself of your innate value, and as soon as you can, get away from the people who mistreat you. ☮️
Yupp, I've heard this my whole life, any time I ever tried to be heard, every time I ever showed my reaction to *not being heard*
Thank you for all that you do for us !!!
My pleasure!
Discovering your channeling was the final part of my "RUclips miracle" THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I started by accidently finding Dr.Jay Reid, and Jerry Wise, and WOW I was RIVETED when your first video popped up...
It is very painful...but I am finally moving forward..slowly and sobbing..but making progress.
Very glad you're here. You might also want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed and Blamed, if you are relating strongly to my videos.
I really love your videos, I totally relate to the scapegoat role. My whole life growing up then I was my ex husband’s scapegoat. I am being told I am wrong for not having active relationships with my siblings. They showed me how they really felt at the worst time of my life. Nope, No More!
Thank you 😊
I just turned 68 and am just making sense of this scapegoating abuse I have endured most of my life.
I appreciate you and your work so much. ✨ Thank you!
You are so welcome!
This occurred throughout the relationship with my mother. For over four decades, she repeatedly admitted to nearly killing me when I was a baby, yet she never went into details but blamed me for her actions. I believe it was due to her regret for marrying my father, her regret for having me, as I was the reason she couldn't just leave him.
Some of my earliest memories include physical beatings, emotional beatings, gaslighting and smearing in front of her other children, and forcing everyone to pick sides, including Dad.
I believe the physical abuse provoked me to suffer a severe, chronic immuno-depression illness that included mouth-breathing, hyperventilation, asthma, bronchitis, severe chronic rhinitis, and between little to no immunity to common contagious illnesses. But Mom insisted that I caused the illness,, or that I was a hypochondriac, that I was making everything worse.
The more I review situations in my memory, the more obvious it is that Mom was the problem all along. Shameful the lengths she went to, to destroy her own family.
Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I got accused of being crazy, having mental health issues I don't have, and the final coup de grace KILLING OUR MOTHER. Ironically, my two elder sisters had chosen to be estranged from Mom because she finally called them out for their lies and smear campaign against me. Mom demanded they apologize and they refused, instead choosing to become estranged from our 85 year old Mom, who does that? It was me that helped Mom out those final three years, although Mom still was able to live alone because she was fiercely independent. My sisters continued the smear campaign, amping it up after Mom called them out for it, and I lost even my extended family, save a few. My closest Aunt (Mom's sister) even turned on me, and I'd always been her favorite, it was just baffling. My Mom's estate attorney called my sisters "unhinged" and I think evil. They posted all over the internet that I'd killed our Mom, nevermind that it was ME that took Mom to the hospital because she was sick (Mom didn't want to go) where she was for 10 days, finally put in hospice where she passed after one day there. Apparently my sisters even contacted the hospital/social workers, and I'm sure they got immediately discounted because it was ludicrous. It was ME that begged for Mom to have a feeding tube put in so she could regain her strength while they tried to figure out what her exact diagnosis was and how to treat her. Mom was 88 when she passed, they think she had Myesthenia Gravis, but according to my sisters I'd killed her. Mom disinherited them after their refusal to apologize or accept any responsibility. That's all my sisters cared about. That and hating me, punishing me for who knows what. My sisters are 10 and 12 years older than me, and the one 10 years older than me made my childhood really scary. I got left with her a lot and I'd hide in my bedroom away from her, and even that didn't usually save me. My parents would "scold" her after she'd abused me (twisting my skin/being rough, but mostly emotional/verbal abuse) , but it would always happen again. I think they tried, just not nearly hard enough. Her hatred of me continued even after I became an adult. I'm currently in therapy for grief counseling after Mom's death, and to try to parse this all out. I never felt like my parents scapegoated me, but they allowed my middle sister to do so, and in the last 15 years she enlisted the eldest to also scapegoat me. At least my Mom finally stood up for me, apologized for allowed my sister to behave this way to me my entire life, and she and I really worked through all that. I'm eternally grateful for that because Mom and I had always been super close.
So very rare to get an apology with this form of abuse. And that she stood up for you - at last - I can only imagine what that must have been like for you. Thank you for sharing and glad you're here.
Such an excellent segment. As always, spot on.
Glad you enjoyed it.
I love your channel. Thank you. I’m 61 and continue to learn about this. Thank you
Joanne
You're very welcome!
thank you!
You're welcome!
The "crazy one"...called that since childhood!
Exactly what they say I am!!! 😈😈😈 A stepmother even told a man I was dating this about me. To destroy his feelings for me. It’s the family narrative.
You might watch my video on the Preemptive Strike - The link to it is in this video's description.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse, thank you, Dr Mandeville. I’m so glad you are doing this work. It’s so validating & healing for us scapegoats. 💚
You're most welcome!
This is the core of my entire life and existence. I was born in the midst of wolves and no matter what I did for any of them I ended up smeared, blamed and rejected and punished by not being invited to family dinners where it was posted on facebook for me to see. They are the devil. They have recruited my adult kids to join in along with their narc abusive Dad. It’s hard to believe that I am telling you the truth, it’s hard for me to believe people can be that evil but it is true. I am definitely empathic, highly sensitive. I’m finally no contact for good, my narc parents are deceased and I’m buying your book today! Thank you
You're very welcome. I do include a chapter on being an Empath in my book. You may also want to check out my video here on this same topic (the focus is more on the dysfunctional family system that scapegoats versus a narcissistic one but you still may get something out of it): ruclips.net/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/видео.html
Finally someone says what has been happening my whole life
If that's the case, you may want to check out my resource list for FSA survivors for more support and education: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
I turned 64 years old the other day and spent part of the day consolingly myself. My parents are both alive but dezpite me breaking 'no contact' about a year ago the message I was getting was simple; we can talk about the weather, or you sit on the phone with me while I crap all over the world but don't you even think about raising the subject of all the trauma we heaped on you. My healing journey has led me to shamanistic healing ceremonies and it was during a heightened moment of one of these ceremonies where it was suggested that I forgive them and I did, and I did it for me.
Yes - that is the best possible scenario in regard to forgiveness. In my trauma-informed work with clients, I use 'radical acceptance'. I wrote an article on both here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/2023/11/05/radical-acceptance-and-scapegoat-recovery-the-power-of-accepting-what-is/
I understand now that when they try to tell people are tell you that you're crazy there just projecting themselves
Yes, this can be an individual projection or the Family Projective Identification Process, as I shared in an earlier video.
One of my son's friends had a "mother" who was physically violent verbally aggressive and who did very irrational and cruel things to her oldest daughter. Ripping up and eating her stuffed animals, taking the doorknob off her bedroom door and giving her a can of tuna whilst taking her younger sister to McDonald's. My son often found himself being the mediator, and meanwhile I actually got verbally attacked by this woman who I caught trying to break to girls' arm on our porch. Yet, this horrid lady had money, so, she had taken her daughter to a shrink and basically paid the shrink to blame her daughter, call her crazy, put her on pills, and shut her up. The shrink knew where his money was coming from and "evaluated" accordingly. Later, I heard this nasty woman toned herself down once her daughter was a legal adult and no longer a captive audience. But one thing that goes unmentioned is that many "counselors" do not assist the victim instead they assist the abuser who is paying them.
Sadly, this can happen. Yet another tragedy scapegoated children / adult children endure.
Lol....my Mom didn't like my laugh, my voice was too loud, I was selfish, I danced too forcefully, and often she didn't like my tone of voice. No one else has ever told me this. Lol. I love her and forgive her now because I understand.
My ex started it and being so charismatic and Charming, he was able to convince even my close family I was crazy. They didn’t see the crazy because we lived far away ( he said ).
I've seen this before in my practice. Very sorry you had to go through this.
Thank you for speaking these truths
You are one of the best professionals on this subject I have ever seen.
Thank you, I appreciate it!
The look in the eyes lol, yep. They’re so fragile and cowardly they can’t stand to be seen in what they’re really doing, even by an innocent child.
Innocence can shine a light on the guilty...
Your videos and book certainly do validate my thoughts and feelings! Thank you! How about when you do have a mental health problem such as depression/anxiety and your entire family rejects you? I'd be interested to know how many people have been thrown outside the family circle who DO have a mental health issue?
Great question for an upcoming survey, may I borrow it?(!)?
Thank you for these weekly videos. It’s tremendously helpful that you focus solely on the scapegoat and their trauma rather than exclusively the narcissist. I’ve learned so much and feel so validated.
I'm so glad - Precisely why I also gave this form of abuse a distinct name (family scapaegoating abuse / FSA) as this can happen in family systems where there is no narcissist, as explained in previous videos and in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.