Ending Contact With Scapegoating Family: The Emotional Aftermath
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
- Thinking about ending contact with abusive family members? Wondering what emotions you might experience in the aftermath? In this video (which is based on research studies I’ve conducted over the past 15 years in addition to knowledge gained from over 20 years of working with adult survivors of Family Scapegoating Abuse), I discuss the unexpected emotions that some adult survivors may experience after going "no contact" that they may not be adequately prepared for. Read my article, The Dangers of Confusing Fact with Fiction When Discussing Family Scapegoating Abuse (FSA): familyscapegoa...
Join my online educational and peer-support community for FSA adult survivors on Substack. Learn more by visiting familyscapegoa...
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💡DISCLAIMER ONE: This channel's focus is on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) and is GENERAL and INFORMATIONAL in its scope. It is NOT a substitute for clinical assessment or treatment. It is suitable for both Adult Survivors and Clinicians. I am unable to advise you on your specific family situation nor can I 'diagnose' viewers or their family members. READ FULL DISCLAIMER: www.scapegoatr...
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🔥 COPYRIGHT NOTICE: My videos focus exclusively on understanding and recovering from what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) during the course of my academic and clinical research. THESE VIDEOS ARE COPYRIGHTED AND CANNOT BE SAMPLED AND USED FOR OTHER PURPOSES.
🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencouns... For more resources, go here: www.scapegoatr...
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I bought this book and it's a good read. I encourage you to read it if you're the scapegoat!
Already have. So full of AHA moments during the read. Thank you so much.
Be prepared to be rejected and abused by other family members who buy into the false narrative. On the bright side, the anxiety that has been residing in the pit of your stomach eventually disappears.
Well put. And in most cases, very true, as validated by my original research on what I eventually named FSA.
True.
Ha, that’s something excellent to look forward to. Still there for me, but other health issues are starting to show signs of repair!
No contact 7 years. I'm 52, family scapegoat and truth teller of all the abuse and addiction that went on in the family. Mother was a malignant and violent narcissist. Father was the covert alcoholic narcissist who did nothing to protect his children from the mothers violent rages. Siblings turned against me when I spoke out about the abuse. My mother bribed them with promises of future inheritance to look the other way.
For those thinking of going no contact, I would say that it is one of the most empowering things you can do. It was an emotional rollercoaster at the beginning but the gift of truly finding out who you are is worth it. You are not your whole entire self inside the bubble of a toxic family. You need to rid yourself of the judging and crtical eyes to become your true self.
"You are not your whole entire self inside the bubble of a toxic family" Well put.
So empowering❤
YES! Precisely why I have a chapter on the False Self and another on the True Self in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed.
Your family sounds just like mine. It's so wonderful to not see them anymore. It's the best thing a person can do.
Im a similar age, my parents are 80, so although they look tiny and thin now, they are still just as forceful as they ever were, I collapse into their narratives or I'm ''hurtful''. my parents refuse to talk to me. So they basically went nc on me because I won't collude with their distorted reality. I cannot be in the family unless I see things their way.
I had a aha moment when I heard another RUclipsr, Jerry Wise, say "Just because you're not in contact with your family, doesn't mean you're not still enmeshed with them." I realized it's true, I think about my sister so much more now than I did before. He speaks of "inner no contact" and that's what I'm working on now. It's not easy.
Yes. When I stopped having arguments in my head with family members and stopped addressing them in my mind, it helped me disengage and focus on more productive imaginings. It took practice but I stopped using the pronoun 'you' in regard to them. I started referring to them as he and she so that I'm having a conversation with myself and not hearing their voices in my head anymore. And after awhile of sussing things out, stopped conversing to myself about them.
@@lolo9553ify Great technique! I'll try it!!
@lolo9553ify What a great approach to share and pass along. On its face, it seems SO helpful. Going to start to-DAY. Thanks!
Don't know Jerry Wise but he is absolutely correct. This is, in part, the premise of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and 'parts' work, btw, which I use in my trauma-informed therapy and coaching practices. (IFS is different than the half century-plus original field of Family Systems, btw).
@@lolo9553ify That's a great idea, thanks for sharing.
I keep busy in the garden and sometimes write out and destroy my notes (as per the Crappy Childhood Fairy daily practice) to reduce rumination and flashes of grief, anger or loneliness. Then I remember who these people are and what I might be feeling if I was still in contact: shock, hurt, frustration, gaslighting etc. Nope, it’s still better staying away from these people. They aren’t particularly nice to each other either so I always end up concluding I’m not missing anything good.
This is a good cognitive exercise and can be very effective. Thank you for sharing.
What you say is very valuable. Left my sisters decades ago because I was always the scapegoat and after my parents died they took it to a new level. When a niece reached out to me a few years ago, she seemed struggling to separate from the family. Like me she was professionally successful and had stable relationships but her mother had moved close by and was starting drama with her. Didn't see her often but stayed in touch and had a pleasant relationship, except that she sometimes asked me to make up with her mom, and I said no, I am comfortable with the distance. Then she contacted me that my OTHER sister was coming to our state and did I want to see her. No, I said. The next thing I know she sending me pictures of herself with a sister on each side with their arms around her. Hurt like hell. Never responded to her again, and she proceeded to start drama about me with a whole new generation of nieces and nephews and my own child, an adult she hardly knew. "What's WRONG with her? Why can't she FORGIVE?"
My story is almost identical. You can’t make this stuff up.
You can't & shouldn't forgive the unrepentant.
F. them!!
It's very sad but people who scapegoat can't seem to resist an opportunity to infect others with their misplaced blame and anger. It takes strength to resist the family or the party line. I think some people realize something is off but they don't want to make waves and stay silent. I'm glad you are able to stand your ground and protect yourself.
What's wrong with her is a great n valid question but what does she have to forgive exactly? She seems like she eventually went over to the dark side. Sorry to hear this happened to you n thanks for posting as it is a cautionary tale for others. Unfortunately it is the risk we take to try to be in relationship with these originally disinterested parties especially those who were only children when the family rift began or was exacerbated. I have long questioned whether I should reach out to my niece n nephews now 23 n 24 who live overseas in UK with my sister n her husband. I last saw them when they were 12 n 13 n they ran up to me with a big hug when I met them n my sister at a restaurant for lunch. The odd thing is ( but not really once you know more about why these people do what they do n the core issue,was that the day prior my sister had eventually agreed to meet with me and my therapist bc I had had problems with she n my brother for past 5 years stemming from problem between my parents n I and of course their enmeshment. Originally I wanted to wait until they were at least both over 18 but also wasn't sure if it would have been better to wait till they were both out of university as while 18 is legally an adult it's still hard for young people to see more clearly n feel more free to make their own decisions. But of course I have no idea what they have been told. And I wasn't sure if I would be upsetting them n only for my benefit somehow. I mean do they really need me in their life or want me in their life enough to know the truth. Would I be damaging them in some way out of my own need/desire. So unsure I just kept postponing and of course always unsure best way to go about this. Certainly can't tell people what you really think of their mother n grandmother ( my brother passed last May n my father in 2019). You have to try to craft this more compassionate narrative that makes room for them still to live their other family members but also have forgive for what they have done to me and also to them by depriving them of a strong n healthy relationship with me. But I have to be ready for their rejection as well as who knows what kind of adults they have turned into. This kind of dynamic is systemic in families so it wouldn't be surprising if they have adapted much of this as well. I worry a great deal about my nice in particular bc over the past few years I have come to see just how emotionally dysfunctional my sister was/is n I don't see how this hasn't played a big role or will on time with her relationship with her own daughter. I saw some signs of this when she was younger but of course I don't see them enough to warrant any huge concern. Back then I also took the whole thing far more personally as all scapegoats tend to do but I have been able to piece things together far better n see that while it was/is still very hurtful n I lost so much of my life bc of it all it was so much more about them then it ever was about me. What's particularly sad is that my mother would still like to have a relationship with me. She has never deviated from that view over the past 15 years but she was never willing to do what I actually needed for us to even try to do that. All this despite a couple of attempts at therapy together. Their shamed.n inability to acknowledge what they have done is so deep they never will.
This is just another way of re-victimizing the victim of this type of systemic dysfunction / abuse. My research verified that most ALL FSA adult survivors hear this same line / question. Yet another way that family members can avoid looking at hard truths and take responsibility for harms caused through these FSA behaviors.
I ended contact with my abusive mother in 1968. Luckily I moved to San Francisco and became a hippy so I had a supportive community for the first time in my life. My hippy brothers and sisters saved my sanity.
Oh, that must have been amazing to be in SF during those years!
Thank you for everything you do. Thousands of us can finally understand and work through our abuse. I'm 57, and I went no contact last year!
Hi! jpousson! I am nearly 62 and I also went no contact in 2023, last year. I am in England.
57 too. Went no contact about 3 years ago with mother and sister. My brother and his family soon went no contact thereafter. I was not expecting this as he really didn’t know about the abuse I endured as scapegoat/truth teller. He took my side which really helped. My mother spewed so much vitriol when I tried to leave as gracefully as possible. It confirmed as I expected she is a covert narcissist. I have always felt free when I was away from my family and never felt connected to my mother. I was afraid at first how she would come after me. I had always been so afraid of her, even when she was near 80. Thank you everything for being here.
@jpousson You are very welcome. More resources here from my website: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I was also 57. 5 years ago now. Best thing I ever did. The siblings were physically attacking me and making up crazy stories. I literally had no choice. They've tried getting me back in recently. Over my dead body. All the best.
This is awesome to explain our immediate family dysfunction.
What Ive noticed in my no contact _this simply opened me up to more families searching for scapegoat_ it's one sick world_ everybody needs a scapegoat.
I cut off my mother in 2005. It took many steps to take the boundaries that far. I had physical boundaries but lacked a clear emotional barrier. When my then husband took her to the airport that morning she said, “I feel like I have lost control of her.” He replied, “You lost control of her a long time ago.” That response made me so happy. Someone retorting to her narcissistic behavior. It has taken years to unravel the trauma.
It is rare that someone publicly stands up for the FSA target. It is heart-warming to hear that your spouse did just that.
"Stick a fork in me...I am done." It was a hard break to make, and from time to time siblings reach out and try to pull me back in, because "Mom is getting old and won't be around much longer...". Well, Mom has had a lifetime to get her sh** together and has refused to, and continues to play my sibs like a finely tuned violin, reveling in her martyr status, so, uh..."no thanks". I don't need to be manipulated, guilt-tripped, gas-lighted and shamed any more. There is a much better life out there without this dysfunction.
Oh, that first sentence is too good - Never heard that one before. Thank you.
Your first sentence made me giggle.
Thanks for a vivid picture.
My sisters kept keeping me informed on our mother even though I asked them numerous times not to do it.
Luckily the No Contact gave my mother the space to be able to look at herself and come to the realization that she was wrong. She finally wrote me a note in which she admitted it and apologized. Most importantly, she stopped doing it!
For the last 20 years of her life, we had the relationship I had always wanted. I realize that this isn't likely for most people but I wanted to let you know that it doesn't always have to end badly.
@@susanmercurio1060 I am so happy for you and your mom.
Nobody has reached out to me. None of them. I guess it’s a blessing but still struggling. It’s only been a year.
I am one of the mothers who suffered a loss of relationship with my children due to my mother influencing her grandchildren against me. Had I known, I would never have let them visit her. She blames me for the family dysfunction. There is no way to change your scapegoat role. No contact, low contact, it still feels very unfair. I know I am not to blame though.
Thank you sincerely Rebecca for your work and loving support..
So very sorry this happened to you. I've got a fire in me to take this on and get some researching going on this issue. Stay tuned!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Good on you for this fire to research inter-relational abusers who work as a team against their family scapegoat. Please do. But we should fund you.
I put this in the 'Family Mobbing' category, typically. You likely saw my video on it but here it is, just in case: ruclips.net/video/6gb_dDqWLiQ/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseI would be very interested too please Rebecca. I'm no contact with my entire family including my adult daughter and it's excruciating. Thanks ❤
I'm so sorry. Me too. ❤
Turning your own child against you is pure evil!
I have gone no contact from my mother with dementia, my brother and sister. My sister is the golden child and is also a narcissist. My brother is extremely self-centered. I could not take the abuse any more. The pain, loneliness, panic attacks and anxiety at times are too much. Nobody that I try to talk to about it understands. They are always shocked that I don't help take care of my mother now. So I get blamed in a subtle way for that. Nobody who has not lived through this horrific family system understands it. I have to be very careful who I talk to about my life.
I understand your pain.
Have you read Rebecca's book?
If not, consider getting it.
It's SOOOOO helpful.
I hope you find my content helpful and glad you're here. You might check out my resource page if you are seeking additional information and support regarding family scapegoating issues: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I'm in a similar situation. I got love bombed/tricked into moving back home with mom to extend the amount of time she could be "independent" when she was diagnosed with dementia. As soon as I get in, all the gas lighting and abuse started from the siblings. I put up with it for six years because I truly didn't understand what was going on. I was in a freeze/fawn response and denial. Finally gave a month's notice like an unpaid employee and walked away. After six years of seven day a week constant care, I was told "family helps family and you don't help the family". What universe are these people in? My head is still spinning from the gaslighting. I am finally passed the riotous rage but it's been four years and I am not healed. I am consciously not letting myself dwell on the past. I force myself to daydream about a bright future if I am going to spend any time in my head. I agee 100%. The hardest part is almost nobody understands what we lived through.
@@mm669 I understand what you lived through. I know the righteous rage.
You have more strength than you realize. You will find new meaning.
You are a Victor because you survived the abuse and loss.
Traumatic Grief is hard work. Exhausting. I like to look for the surprise by joy. You can too. The good of goodness will come.
Celebrate your victories.
Blessings to you, Jane.
I don't help take care of my ailing mother either but IV had enough 2 years no contact see her at a family funeral talks all about herself and how great my narc sister kids are who she also gifted her house to and tried to hide it I don't care anymore I just don't talk about her to anyone keep it to yourself people judge.
“Friends” subtly undermining- that was one I certainly didn’t expect
Yes, that's a hard one. Salt in the wound. There is a parallel there in the Old Testament story of Job, btw.
I believe they are afraid their kids will leave them one day, so they need to reject that as an idea that could ever happen to them.
It’s been 2 1/2 years and I still wake up in the night and can’t believe that this is my life. I feel like the pain will never end. Some days I just don’t know how I can keep going. I don’t feel like I’m living. I feel like everyday I’m just going through the motions of living.
I had those feelings too when I went NC. It feels like the end. It feels like nothing good will ever happen again and that there's no way you can get through it. But you survived as a scapegoat for longer than you've been away from those who scapegoated you. If you can survive being scapegoated, believe it or not, you can survive after freeing yourself from those who do that to you. Keep educating yourself with this channel, books and other sources. Find a passion, no matter what it is - animals, nature, drawing - and immerse in it at various points in the day. Find a qualified therapist to help if you can or an adult survivors group. I wish you well. You can do it.
I'm wondering if you have been assessed for complex trauma symptoms via the International Trauma Questionnaire (ITQ). You can find that online and see if you relate to the questions. More resources are on this list I put together here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I know the feeling. We weren't allowed to enjoy our life, and were seen as not being real people. It still echoes into our life. I try to find things to enjoy, even if it's something small and simple. Trying to find moments to feel like a real person. Trying to feel like someone who deserves to feel ok. That deserves to be treated well. That deserves to feel safe and free of pain and abuse.❤
For years I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I don't know if you are familiar with inner family systems? I would tell myself another younger part of me has become aware of the loss and I would sooth that younger self. Sometimes my husband still catches me saying to myself "you arer ok baby girl, I love you".
@@GypsyJulie I understand the night crying. For YEARS I silently cried myself to sleep. Then would wake myself from nightmares screaming "NO!"
No more.
Now I have sweet sleep.
And may you have sweet sleep tonight.
"He gives to His Beloved even in her sleep. "
I'm 60 and went no contact fourteen months ago. Six decades to finally understand what they were doing, for me the why was so fundamental also. I'm not a perfect mother but I did stop the cycle. 💚
Understanding and awareness - and having names and terms to describe this dysfunctional family phenomenon - can be very helpful indeed. And yes, it can stop with us.
10:50 the abusers targeting my child is what finally made me realize that I needed to cut contact with everyone. Our relationship is still intact thank goodness. But I'm never going back, keeping my kids safe is all that matters.
It is a devastating situation; to date I can find no real research on this. If you ever see any, please let me know.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I've never seen any research on it either and I'm nearing the end of a PhD in criminal psychology, so I have looked! It seems incredibly common for Narcissistic/Psychopathic parents to sue for grandparents custody rights and similar tactics to use the children as a new avenue of abuse. But I've never seen any formal studies on it. In my case, I'm sure my family saw as I did that if they could alienate my child they would have an endless source of power and control over me, I could never leave then no matter how bad the abuse got because I would never abandon my child. It must have been very appealing to them.
It's made it easier for me though because every time I think about reaching out I just remember that everyone was either directly working towards this new level of abuse, or they were happy to enable it. There's no loss in ensuring my children have the love and safety I was denied, even if I sometimes do miss the good parts of some relationships.
I put this in the category of Family Mobbing in many cases: Video on it here, in case you missed it: ruclips.net/video/6gb_dDqWLiQ/видео.html
That's exactly what happened for me. When they targeted my child, it was over. I need to love my inner child as much as my daughter.
Rebecca I would love to talk about this. I am a member and also DID system.
I always thought me and my sister were best friends. But a few months ago I started trying to get us to begin getting professional help for the insane family abuse we both suffered, but it was mostly me as the scapegoat, her the golden child. I finally found out a couple weeks ago how she really felt and viewed me the whole time. Granted- her anger is 100% valid, but it’s misplaced and lacks all sense of clarity. She was the last family member I was still in contact with. So while I am heartbroken in a way I don’t think I will ever really get over, because learning who she was the whole time is a new level of disillusionment I didn’t know existed- the positive acceleration of my life in two short weeks has been mind blowing. It’s like the clouds have parted and so many good things are happening I don’t have time to list them all. And it feels like it’s only the beginning. It is a very strange place to be. But I know I’m on the right path.
I personally relate to this comment and understand this experience very well. Thank you for your comment; I'm certain it will give others a sense of hope.
Hugs 🤗
This comment reminds me of myself.
I thought I had a good connection with my brother who is the golden child.
Our covert narcissistic mother died in Dec. 2023.
He made a fake apology. He said he would have behaved differently if he hadn't been influenced.
He said "influenced" to the manipulation.
At first I thought it might be important for his peace of mind that I accept his apology.
I waited. He was always on the team with my sister, who is an open narcissist. It was just gaslighting because they need my approval.
Thank God I didn't fall for it.
The awakening is strange (at least to me).
It's nice to hear that things can get better once the old things are let go.
Best wishes
Possibly at some point she will ask for forgiveness and you can get help together. But view your wholeness more important than the splinters she causes.
That was the hardest thing I've ever done... I will never forget the nightmares, and waking up in a panic lol. Its no joke so make sure your in a good place
Many end contact having no idea they are suffering from complex trauma symptoms. Ending contact can really amp up those symptoms, as I mention in this video. Thanks for your comment.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Honestly I had no clue what I was going through, or what I was about to go through. I feel like all the dots that start to connect when you are out of the situation were the hardest part. I still smh at the things I wasn’t seeing. Channels like this really help with perspective…🙏🏼
Here's my resource list for FSA adult survivors, in case you don't have it yet: ruclips.net/video/6gb_dDqWLiQ/видео.html
Yeah, the nightmares. I’ve been experiencing this exact same thing since speaking out about the abuse publicly. I was watching one of your previous videos, I think it was called “Establishing Healthy Boundaries with Toxic Family”, and you were saying you’ve experienced that there’s an energetic/spiritual component to all this, and that trying to maintain healthy boundaries in a toxic environment can be like “having all guns pointed on you”. I’ve gone no contact with many a-situation in my life, but I’ve never experienced something like this. It’s like I stuck a fork in an electric socket. And since then I’ve been having chronic nightmares, waking up several times a night in a panic, disorientation, etc. and almost every dream I have is either like literal discouragement and curses being spoken over my life, or else past toxic people coming into my dreams to gaslight and manipulate me, or reverse the roles or attack and insult me in some way. I have never experienced something like this and it’s been ongoing for literally years. I’ve kind of pieced together what is happening from videos like this online, read about PPI, but at the end of the day I can tell it is just literally these people, in real time, are out of sight somewhere, and triggered as hell. I don’t know what is the best strategy to mitigate this, because it’s made it hard to focus on my goals or have a positive self image- like I’ve done everything right to set boundaries and remove these people from my life, and was so excited to never see them again and build a new life, and now…here they are! And I’m met with a seemingly unsolvable problem that I have no control over.
Very validating of my experience. I stepped back from contact with my family. I felt pain at the separation and the realization that no one even cared. It was even more evidence of the rejection toon I experienced in my family. It took 2 years of grieving but now I feel proud and individuated and so much less reactive. Occasionally it still hurts but I remind myself that I am hoping for a fantasy, I’m grieving what I hoped for. I turn towards people who do value me.
Thank you, Brenda. A succinct yet profound comment that I'm sure will give others here a sense of hope.
Same, that realization that my 4 siblings didn't even care that I wanted no more contact ever with them... it blew my mind at first, but then I had the realization... dear god! it was all a feckin game to them all along, and I never mattered a bit. All my concern for them, trying to figure out why they did and said such terrible things, trying to get them to be more kind and considerate, it could never have had any sway over them because I did not matter at all to them, and in fact they enjoyed devaluing and demeaning me.
Just being born into a family doesn’t make a family. A family is only a family if love, acceptance and encouragement is present.
My mother and my flying monkey sister turned my only child against me. I love my child but I had to go no contact because it was like dejavu. I just hide the fact I actually have an adult child and grandchildren I will never know. Who do you tell? No one. Who would understand? Only those of us who have been through it.
I'm so very sorry. And it is true. Only people who have been through it can 'get it' at a visceral level.
I happened to me too. They turned my only child against me - the one I raised and nurtured on my own. I hide the fact that I have a child and grandchildren I never met because the one time I mentioned it the first question was : "What did you do to her?" as if I must have abused her. I thought: Here we go again being accused of something that never happened. You're right. Only we, who go through this never ending nightmare, could understand.
I am a scapegoat child. I cut back contact with my father and yesterday received a lengthy email from his partner about how I should “forgive and forget, and that my father is getting older and someday he won’t be here, and I should let go of the past and stop bringing it up”. I am an empath and of course that hurts my feelings. But I am standing firm in my decision.
Stopped talking to my sister for 25 years ago. Recently she called me and we even met.
But everyting was after some hours the same. I was the one to be blamed. As always. So I stay away from her. So it cant be repaired. I know that
That's typically what happens, unless the family member has a profound shift in their awareness and understanding of these dynamics - and their part in maintaining them.
After listening to this video, I now understand why, after a few attempts at going to no contact, I found myself going back to my toxic family only to get scapegoated again. Up until now, I was beating myself up, telling myself I was a glutton for punishment. Now I understand how hard it is and I am in a lot of pain. I have a husband who loves me unconditionally which I depend on.
What I find difficult is losing my great nephews and great nieces. They are little children but I am conscious the family don't want me to get close to them, never told them who I was and encouraged them to be close with my narcissistic brother who persistently breaks up any attempt by me to engage with them and take them away from me. This has hurt me very much. They will be turned against me, just like my 2 nephews and niece in law were turned against me with their warped narrative about me. So it is better I let go of those children anyway. Just as well I never had any children of my own for them to turn against me.
It is a tragic and unjust situation all the way around, these situations rooted in FSA.
It IS very painful when we realize what’s been going but rewarding when we take the first step to healing and continue on.
Yes, it is.
The book ‘Divorce Poison’ by Dr Richard A Warshak covers divorcing a narcissist, and parental alienation of the scapegoated spouse. 10/10
Thanks!❤
13 years separated this year- couldn’t push anything even slightly- protecting my kids. The lies…
I escaped 11 years ago from my whole family even my daughter. Healing came in waves. The two hardest parts were realizing my mother never loved me, then finding the truth in all of the lies. Now that I’m on the outside, I see all of the evil behind their smiles. Realized the people they destroyed. One thing I’m proud of is that walked away with my sanity after 45 years of abuse and that I walked without anger. God allowed me to get out, so I can never go back. 2 years ago I saw them at a funeral. I went in calmly with a lot of prayer. The attacks came and didn’t stop, but I survived without reacting for the first time. I still hurt but not like I did at the beginning. My go to is Psalms 27. My husband read it the night before I cut ties.
what does it say in psalms 27?
This is an amazing place you have arrived at. Reminds me of a line from the ancient wisdom text, the Tao Te Ching: "The sword enters the sage / but does not penetrate..." - I will do a video on this concept one day.
Jehovah is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
Jehovah is the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil-doers came upon me to eat up my flesh,
Even mine adversaries and my foes, they stumbled and fell.
Though a host should encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear:
Though war should rise against me,
Even then will I be confident.
One thing have I asked of Jehovah, that will I seek after:
That I may dwell in the house of Jehovah all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of Jehovah,
And to inquire in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me secretly in his pavilion:
In the covert of his tabernacle will he hide me;
He will lift me up upon a rock.
And now shall my head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me;
And I will offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy;
I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto Jehovah.
Hear, O Jehovah, when I cry with my voice:
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee,
Thy face, Jehovah, will I seek. Hide not thy face from me;
Put not thy servant away in anger:
Thou hast been my help;
Cast me not off, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.
When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then Jehovah will take me up.
Teach me thy way, O Jehovah;
And lead me in a plain path,
Because of mine enemies.
Deliver me not over unto the will of mine adversaries:
For false witnesses are risen up against me,
And such as breathe out cruelty.
I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of Jehovah
In the land of the living.
Wait for Jehovah:
Be strong, and let thy heart take courage;
Yea, wait thou for Jehovah.
@@cindybaker7153
Are you my sister? ❤
@@joeythebushkangaroo1if you are a follower of Christ, we are sisters.
You look happier and happier in every video. I love that. 😊
My mother died six years ago. At that time I finally cut ties with my wicked father and the rest of family that he had turned against me. He died a few months ago and it was nothing but relief. What I've finally come to terms with is that my mother was just as abusive as him in that she would use guilt and shame to bring me around for another round of debasement, over and over for decades. I'm so glad they're both gone now and thanks to you and other good people am able to understand what happened and how to recover what's left of my life.
I'm really happy that this info is out there so that young people can escape the trap early in life. What complicates the matter, however, is the rise of screens in raising children, so that no one at an early age has any idea who or what to believe whatsoever, eg. random "influencers" now have much more sway on the young mind than a parent or other adult in their life. What a trip.
We do live in very strange times, indeed.
Sending you compassion ❤️🩹
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse "strange days" as the admiral's son song.
My children are each a covert passive-aggressive narcissist and a flamboyant narcissist.
I have No Contact with either of them and all I feel is relief!
@@melliecrann-gaoth4789 Thank you.
My parents my sister and her daughter all turned my daughter against me.
She now scapegoats me too
I can see now that I should of kept her away from them all but it's taken years to see the truth.
My son who I had much later had minimal contact and was always with me.
Can objectively see the abuse
He's the one who has given me the strength to go no contact
The only person in my whole family that sees who I really am and who they are.
He's such a wise old soul and I'm so grateful for his genuine love and protection.
He keeps saying. Mum. Don't let them abuse you. You don't need them.
He's not even 18 yet
Without him. I would literally have nobody
How sad is that reality
But also. How blessed am I to have such an emotionally intelligent son.
Just shows you the contrast between the child that was contaminated by them. And the one who wasn't
So very sorry to hear of this. I will be initiating a survey on this soon.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse you are an earth Angel and I don't say that lightly.
Thank you for the work you do 🙏
You're very welcome. Glad you're here.
Every word you say is so true!
Question;: When they were all actively scapegoating me/us aren't they in the process of ejecting us from the family? Yet when we no longer can hold on , reduce or cut off communication/contact they go on the offensive blame again that we arrogantly ended the contact! The no-contact person in pain of giving up on her family gets another level up of smear campaign.
Good point on the long rejection trajectory. Also, when they start to smear us, it actually bolsters our decision to go no contact.
@@lolo9553ify" long rejection trajectory " beautifully said - honors our pain. Start? Do they ever stop?
I don't think they can stop because it would mean having to come to terms with their negative actions and how their choices hurt you. Just continuing the false narrative is so much easier than accepting personal responsibility for spreading horrible lies about someone.
@lolo9553ify For real. One of my last texts to a sibling went lije, "Thank you - for being so rude - it further justifies in my mind the decisions I'm currently making!"
Yes, this can indeed happen. And often does, as mentioned in other videos of mine here. The scapegoating can really amp up.
Yes, the aftermath is much more than I expected also.
Here's my resource list (updated this weekend) if you need additional support. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I was watching a RUclips video about narcissism, and the author of the video was saying that by keeping labels such as scapegoat, golden child and others, we are keeping ourselves “stuck”. I feel that the opposite has happened to me since I discovered your FSA channel. I feel as if a wall has come down, and I am free to climb over the rubble of my past with hope for a future and more understanding of who I am. I can’t thank you enough for these videos.
You're very welcome. Harmful processes need to be identified and named in order for understanding, awareness, and healing to begin. I like to use the analogy of Jacob and the Angel from the Old Testament regarding this reality at times with clients (Old Testament - "Tell me your name!") I see at times what we call in the Transpersonal field a 'spiritual' or 'emotional' bypass going on, whereby key steps to healing are dismissed and a (false) transcendence over painful material is believed to have occurred. In my clinical and personal experience, and as Carl Jung (and the poet Robert Frost) once said: "The only way out is through..." Thank you for your comment and for being here.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes. The closest way to the dawn of a new day is to turn around and face the darkness of night.
After my parents had passed away the mask came off my elder siblings.. I no longer have a family. But I'm free of the abuse. Remember freedom is never free.. But it is worth the cost..
If you don't identify the abuse, which includes identifying each person's role, including your role, you will never heal. I look at it as dealing with the elephant in the room. If you sweep it under the rug, it will always be there, unaddressed. And that will keep you from healing.
@@arenee118 it amazes me how easily they follow the orders of the main narcissist. My eldest sister is the one in control of my two older brothers.
The work continues on the other side, but it’s actually effective when you are in relationships where you are valued and genuinely loved. Trying to heal while still living in the same circles with people who slander you is nearly impossible. There’s a whole world of other people waiting to meet you, and get to know who you really are-and the most important of those is you! ❤
Well said, thank you.
Right now it's the you in me that I am getting to know.
Spot on again.
Everything you shared is a very real part of the hard work in the process of letting go, no contact, separating from the false narrative.
It hurts. Thank you for validating the pain and helping us to understand.
Presently I am on an adventure to find the you in me.😊
Appreciate your wisdom, Rebecca. Thank you, Jane.
You are so welcome, Jane - I think April emailed you, please be back in touch when you can and if you need a discount just let us know, I'm happy to give one!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Great!
Thank you!
I will be in touch.
My brother is the only one who stood by me when i walked away from my mother and sisters several years ago. He has now asked me to attend his grandsons graduation. I said yes, although some of "The Others" will attend. Even after 3 years of weekly therapy (150 hours) I am experiencing panic attacks just thinking about this event. I am a very strong and courageous woman, yet just the thought of stepping back into the swirl of toxicity, cruelty, and incredible dysfunction still brings me to my knees.
Totally understand. Take someone supportive with you and leave asap.
Do consider the impact on your nervous system. If you must attend, I like Dominique's suggestion regarding bringing a supportive, understanding person with you as a buffer.
And give yourself permission to not sit with the "whole fam damnily".
You know I think I would just consider STANDING UP for my well-being verses getting knocked down to my knees by just thinking about it.
Wise words to think about; " the prudent see danger and hide themselves. The naive go on and pay the cost."
Wow, I did what you are about to do -hold on tight…. hoping you have someone with you too assist you from the efforts of others to make you terribly uncomfortable❤️
Thank you all for your support. Fortunately, my brother's family loves me, so I will see some welcoming faces. I liked "The prudent see danger and hide themselves." My goal has always been to be invisible . It has served me well. Hmmm 🤔 maybe that's why I had such a crush on Casper The Friendly Ghost. Haven't thought of him in years. Thanks for the smile 😃 too.
We had to finally cut all contact from my husband entire family. They have hated him I think since early childhood but they used me to scapegoat their hate for
Him and stick it to him even more. He is one of 8 siblings and it’s been extremely hard for my husband but it’s shown him the reality of their hate for him. They have recently blocked him from a group chat between siblings
@@susansanchez5367
When you don't fit in they can't handle you bc you're different. I'm the scapegoat of 6,oldest child.
I don't even want to be included in their zoom group. I thought about my relationship with each one & unless you follow the group think, you are not accepted. I can live with it, I had to be independent to survive and now I like it.
To be honest 3 of them are hard for me to cope with so I don't enjoy their company at all. We can think we are missing out on something good but really it's always been a negative experience anyway.
Why would I put myself thru that? We didn't get to choose our siblings & if the family has been toxic from the beginning, why would we choose to want to be around toxic people?
Choose your own family. I'm a very forgiving person,especially towards family, but when a few last straws landed on this camels' back, the load was too much and I decided it had to be reduced and was able to run away faster. They forced me to not need them in my life, and it's a lot more peaceful. ;)
I cut family off in 2019 and to this day, I have no support system. Letting ppl in is not easy for me.
I have no regrets! Mother texted me, I should not have texted her back. I was so angry with her and I let her know it and told her to leave me alone
There are many 'aftermaths' one must face when they decide they will no longer tolerate mistreatment and abuse. Linking you to my list of resources in case you see something helpful. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I had to get to the point where I was willing to do whatever it took to get them out of my life. They don’t deserve to have any access to me whatsoever. I deleted every social media platform except this one and blocked them and whoever is connected to them in any way. Oh and I moved out of my hometown. I had to save myself, the rest of my life belongs to me, i deserve that! I just wish I had done it sooner. The death of my mother helped start my freedom from them all. She is no longer here to inform them of everything I’m doing! I still have moments of grief but it’s grieving the acceptance and love that I thought would one day happen. Thank you Rebecca for all you do❤❤❤
You're very welcome - glad you're here.
I wish I could give you a hug. I feel so seen and heard. Thank you
You're very welcome!
Mmm
What precious words.
It is good to be seen and heard.
Bless you.
Gratitude for your wisdom 🙏 ✨️ ❤
🤗
My trauma therapist encouraged me to keep contact with my family and I had to go through no contact myself. I had to rely on videos like yours and your information to get through it. Thank you that you help people that can't get the help they need but need it
Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you for your insight I always look forward to hearing from you. I am thankful to have such an advocate as yourself I truly hope you do research and perhaps delve deeper into this scapegoat and the grandparents turning their child against them. My son moved in with my parents he views me how they do he bought the narrative and your research will be insightful and helpful to those suffering from this to show we are not alone. Sending lots of love to all suffering from this ❤
You're very welcome. Yes, research in this area is little to non-existent, from what I can find - and very much needed!
For me, the emotional aftermath from leaving abusive family was that I lost everyone. Nieces, nephews, friends, Aunts and Uncles. Nobody would talk to me. Also, you will not get support of friends who will be incapable of understanding your No Contact decision. You stand alone. You must be resolute and accept that you will not have any understanding about a very transformative aspect in your life.
Thank you dear Rebecca🌷✨ for all your service to the wounded and ostracized ones and for your uplifting words♥️✨🪶In my deepest moments of grief I try to seek inspiration and sympathize with all the loner animals and birds who don't fly or roam in packs. Witnessing their open hearted strength and resilience to endure any climate and condition and how there is a special light over the hermits helps me to shift from pain and overwhelm into gratitude and awe. The gem of love is hidden in grief. Each lesson unlocks another gem.
This is very beautiful, thank you. If you haven't read it yet, read Rumi's poem 'Bird Wings'. You'll see why when you read it.
12:43 - 13:05 I take from this that we must make the distinction that they only need us in that role so they can beat us up some more and blame us for whatever crisis has arisen - they don’t need us in their lives. Such was the case with my very ill and frail mother. The mother may truly need you and I believe there could even be healing if there were not siblings to whom the torch has been passed to carry out the scapegoating against you. In that instance any direct contact with the fragile family member (by phone, mail even) is indirect contact with your abusive sibling. We have to think long and hard about the consequences AND live with the regrets which causes us even more emotional pain.
I think the hardest part is getting over the feeling that you deserve to be treated this way. The lack of self worth is the thing to heal from.. its the only way to start over.
Indeed. One is conditioned early on to not value or think much of themselves. Linking you to my resource list in case you're looking for more support / education on FSA: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
It's interesting. That sense of not being able to survive even when someone is, and never has, contributed positively to ones life and well-being.
15 .months for me and yes, all the emotional challenges are for real. My Dad died in 2021, he was Mother's enabler, I'm sure. Since then, she's worse (well, towards me, the scapegoat) Her next job was to convince my siblings that I killed my Father. They are all flying monkeys and enablers. They're all gone, yet when I was, supposedly part of this family, I actually wasn't. Never accepted for myself. There is peace for me but there is anger, sadness, guilt and everything in between. I'm still thankful that I did it, it's getting easier.
Glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
It's crucial to understand that negative feelings DO NOT mean you made the wrong decision to go no contact. It's a part of the process - it will get better
Well said.
Thank you for this video.my adopted parents are turn my children against me. With money also..narc mother enabler father..I cut them out 2 years ago
This type of situation was a definite feature of the phenomenon I eventually named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA). Sorry you have had to go through this.
Ty my dear sweet lady for recognizing the parents can turn ur own kids against u I live life but feel the spear in my heart endlessly. It was healing just hearing u address it
I'm very glad it felt healing for you. I'll be getting a survey out about this issue sometime this summer, I hope.
Beauty for Ashes and the story of Joseph, comes to mind because clearly he felt the effects of FSA big time, and look at where he got to be uplifted to. Great example of how the parent(s) and in this case the jealousy of their siblings can render agaisnt one who is empathetic, sensitive and kind hearted. They may have tried to destroy your true sense of worth but innately you are beautifully and wondefully made in the image of Divine Love. See, we have so much more to live for. It's no longer about the me but about the WE. Hope whoever is reading this can know how worthy and wondeful you essentially are. The book WORTHY by Jamie Kern Lima, truly has helped me rediscover and appreciate my self worth and joins hands in caring for all who've suffered from FSA. I look forwrd to reading your book as well Rebecca and listening to all the youtube videos you share with us. I love you, I see you, I hear you. You are validted and cared for. Much Love 🥰
This is very much appreciated. Very glad you're here. Linking you to my resource list in case something catches your interest: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Joseph's story is beautiful. He did forgive his brothers, but also recalled to them their betrayal, and in this case they were sorry (hungry also!).
Often we do not receive that opportunity for reconciliation, but forgiveness is something that frees us. Even if we must keep our distance, after acknowledging our pain, we can forgive their trespasses, even as we ask God to forgive our own trespasses in other circumstances. I speak from experience of letting go of years of false blame & bitterness. Much love.
'Radical Acceptance' is a related concept that can be helpful. And less emotionally activating for some.
This has brought tears to my eyes. Someone told me today my story reminded them of Joseph. I hardly feel favored, but forgotten like Joseph in the prison.
10:52 I believe this is a lifelong campaign. My sister (the main scapegoat from birth) had a child at 19 - she was told she’d be supported by the family, then they weaponised any support- ie the narrative is she’s incompetent, always going out and this just evolved throughout the years. The child is now 33 and has always held a lot of hate towards his mother/my sister. I believe my mother has been trying to use my nephew’s child to continue this and to upset my sister. My mother would look after my nephew for school holidays and is now doing with his child. Yet, she never looked after my children on any regular basis; once when I was away for medical reasons, she had my son for a couple of nights, even then he was injured and she didn’t bother seeking medical care for him or telling me. She looked after my dog for a couple of nights, when I returned he was terribly sick and passed away within days.
Last year my father said to my young adult daughter “your mum’s her own worst enemy”. I believe this was an attempt to continue the campaign against me. When I asked him what he meant, he denied saying it, I said “so you’re saying my daughter is a liar”, then he changed direction, deflected by making completely inaccurate accusations about me. Either way the family got the message that my daughter will not tolerate their BS about me.
I love how you handled this. Thanks for sharing with us here.
Thank you. This video aligns with me today. I again found a letter from my narcissistic mother that I went no contact with in the mail today. Never have her my address. Never has she tried to talk to me in depth about anything. She’s playing the victim and sending my child that can’t even read yet cards and letters. My deep instinctual feeling all along is that she WILL turn my kid against me if I don’t set boundaries. I am deeply sure of that, it is a primal type of fear. I don’t ignore that motherly instinct. She’s trying to hoover him.
Important awareness - and yes, do trust those instincts!
My father was also a scapegoat. 15 years after passing, I notice unwarranted envious derogatory remarks. Never by the narc (his sibling) but her gullible pity stricken flying monkeys. His brother was GC. His youngest brother was the lost child. Almost the exact demographic dynamic for my generation. I believe my mentor maternal grandmother was the only authentic person in her family as well. She was compassionate toward everyone but I can't remember her receiving any. These haters will hate no matter what the SG does. My dad's light was so bright they all wanted to be him. That's who the SG is. They're never going to say it so Live your best life!!
It mostly sucks. My whole past was false. Family I loved? A ghost of false memories. What do you even do with that?
You begin the journey of healing from FSA. Which, as I say in this video, is work - but worth it in the end, most of us have found.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you
Thank you very much. I just found your channel. I am going to read your book and follow you here. I am going to look into memberships. I really appreciate you addressing the scapegoat and providing resources in the form of poems, books and films to help educate us. I am now facing the whole of these emotions in addition to the awareness of the scapègoat abuse that I lived though with the entire group and extended group of origin-Your videos are extremely helpful and I am soon to read your book and see how else I can become a part of the community. Thank you. One of the immediate side-effects of going no contact and beginning to become fully aware of what happened to me is that I am not inclined, at the moment, to have any kind of relationships with anybody. I don´t seem to be interested in people and prefer to be alone-completely alone. I also respond very quickly to the slightest indication or reminder of any resemblance of the abuse I went through: anything that reminds me of anything related to the abuse be it a gesture, a comment, a lack of something etc...is enough to make me walk away. I don´t give second chances: If something resembes anything I went through, I simply walk away. I wonder at this. I find and I wonder at this, that I don´t feel as much anymore: I don´t seem to feel-I wonder if it is a deep, most profound disappointment and disilusion which has set in and somehow shut down my desire to feel. I don´t seem to want to relate to the outside world although as a teacher I conduct lessons with my students.
I am having quite a strong reaction to the abuse and have lost interest in people and have apparently made a generalisation regarding the human race-I do hope I regain my sense of possibility and faith in people..somehow I have lost interest in relating and to a certain extent question this entire thing called life and death. An existential moment is taking place...but it does not feel like it is going to change-that is, I don´t believe that I can go back to believing again.
Hang in there.
Rebecca's book will offer hope and healing.
Most of us here understand what you are feeling.
Look for a surprise by joy. Jane
Glad you found my channel and my work on FSA, and yes, do read my book as it will help you fill in some missing puzzle pieces. Many people here will relate to the feelings you are experiencing - myself included. I have been in that same place, and it took quite awhile to slowly pull out of it. There was no 'quick fix', as is true with many FSA related issues. As of this weekend I just launched my FSA Education Substack Community for both free and paid subscribers. You can check it out here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/
@@janegreen5301 Thank you very much.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you very much.
When I listen to you, I immediately relate my whole life. I am 64, a grandmother of 4 beautiful children. Just recently understood that my family of origin did me wrong and continue to do it. Thank you for validating my emotions 💐🙏
You're very welcome. Linking you to my resource list in case you are seeking additional information or support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
This resonates quite a bit! I also found relief in hearing this issue put into words. It isn't all in my head...
No. It's not. And I can back that up with research.
I was lucky in a way. I have six siblings, one of which is a narcissist that targets me and another with some narcissiatic traits. I'm the scapegoat. There was incest in our family and we siblings were never close. I have ten nieces and nephews that I have met maybe twice. Never asked to attend birthday parties, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, etc. We just are not close at all, so going no contact didn't really change much for me. Even my parents were distant. So I never had to deal with my parents or siblings turning my children against me. I went no contact in 2020 and it was like a huge weight was taken off my shoulders. My narcissist sister has tried to draw me back in, but I just send the cards back to her unopen. Maybe it will come to getting a restraining type order, but we're not there yet.
Yes, that sometimes is necessary. It's one of the reasons I put Legal Aid on my resource list here: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
By the time I permanently went no contact with my only surviving sibling, my narcissist sister, the rejection and abuse from other family members that believed her narrative had been happening for decades. Walking away was easy. I'm 58, I walked away at 57. My only regret is that I wasted decades of my life trying to be accepted and loved by people to whom I was nothing but their scapegoat. The more I tried, the worse the scapegoating was. My experience taught me that if you're your family's scapegoat you always will be. Holding on and trying to change that does nothing except rob you of years of your life.
Sadly, I have to agree, and this is based not only on my personal experience, but on years of qualitative research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA) as well.
I would love a video on child alienation by family due to family scapegoating. Inner toxic relief channel has a couple of videos on toxic grandparents I thought were helpful and accurate but id love if you would address it on here. Thanks for everything.
I definitely will, but want to complete a research survey first - my project for this summer!
The most important thing to realize is the attacks will increase when you do this, but that is to be expected. I had several people in my families involved so this basically required me to cut off everyone. To do this, I used events (e.g. holidays) and made excuses not to attend and after several months, I made the hard cut. The reason I did this was so I could monitor and manage retaliation as these people had contact with other people I knew. But be prepared, you may have to cut more than the troublemakers. Most importantly, do not fell guilty and believe the myth that family has to stick together.
Yes, that is often the case. I address a similar dynamic in my video here: ruclips.net/video/gLptzBP_Arw/видео.html
I felt myself sigh listening to this. I'm in the middle of it right now and it's so hard. I was in lockdown long before covid forced everyone else to be, and I still don't know how to get out of it. I was a highly motivated, highly capable person before. But since 2016 when I realized the scapegoating was NEVER gonna end, I was NEVER going to be enough for them, that I was always just ONE misstep away from getting blown up and and collectively shunned... I gave up entirely. Not just on being a part of that family, but on trying at all in any way. Any time I try to take steps in a direction my dreams want me to go in, I go into serious freeze state and I can't get myself to move past it and take the risks. It's not even a matter of being afraid of success or of failure. It's the fear of being a target. I just can't anymore. I've been in therapy over 30 years for real (I still go, don't worry). And none of it matters because I could never change anyone else but me. And they were never going to change.
I understand this on many levels, including personally. You seem to have a great deal of insight and yes, going into a 'freeze' state and experiencing profound rejection sensitivity can be a consequence of FSA, as was suggested in my original research on this issue. It is not easy by any means to work through, but it can get better over time and with assistance. I hope you find something of value here, and I'm linking you to my list of resources as well in case something catches your interest: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse ❤ thank you so much your
The light bulb went on many years ago. Thank you for your dedication to this subject, I don't feel so isolated anymore.
Amazing video Rebecca. I’ve had my daughter go no contact with me because my own mother poisoned her against me, among other things. It’s been 2 years since my child has spoken to me. The disenfranchised grief and righteous rage is very real. I was forced to go no contact with my mom 9 months ago because she made me physically ill and she loved that. Going no contact has been very tumultuous for me. Your videos have helped me so much, thank you for your work 🙏
You’re very welcome. Consider joining me and other FSA survivors over on my new Substack - great group developing over there. More information here: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/about
Your videos really help
Thank you for letting me know.
Messed with my son's head big time. He's loving and kind to me but barely speaks to me (he's 19 so i expect that but he sees and speaks to her often) she's emotionally abusing him. She can't call me at 1am to talk about her husband cheating (not actually happening as far as i know) or other drunken non sensical "emergency" and then forget she was even talking about it. She's doing it to him now, 20+ middle of the night calls. I have very sensitivly educated him but he says it doesn't bother him, he's just worried bc of her age. That's where I was my entire adult life until the last year. It breaks my heart. She has said she would stop but we all know what it means when an abuser "promises to stop" the abuse
Being one of these scapegoat mothers who lost their children decades past, I am glad you are embarking on a qualitative research study. Indeed, to remove yourself from the clutches of their dysfunction is the first step in realising your family will never approve of you, but you can. Awareness is not conceptual so it cant be wrong!
Comfort in all these words
Yes it is worth new experiences with people who are not abusive, every day is forward steps
I am an adult child who both my own mother and mother-in-law have worked diligently to turn my children now adults against me from very young ages. Using both praise, money, lies and status to control them. I am very interested in filling out the questionnaire regarding your research on this topic. I appreciate everything that you are doing for us fellow scapegoats. THANK YOU SO MUCH 💓 💗
You're very welcome, Kim!
From early childhood it was clear I was Mom's "least favorite child", but I didn't learn about scapegoating and narcissism until I was nearly 50. This was years *after* I walked away, which I did because it seemed all other options were exhausted. The walking away included Mom's golden children and all their children, all of Mom's friends and her golden children's friends, etc. It was clear that anything and everything I said or did was carefully critiqued and construed for the supply of the cliques.
When my father remarried I didn’t except to go through difficult times with his new wife. We didn’t have this family system so I knew nothing. I don’t feel bad for no contact with her. She now has moved back with her family and that is a few hours away. I still processing my beloved father’s passing that happened a few months ago. God now has my best friend. Yes I was scapegoated from his wife. I pray she will start to tell her children the truth. They deserve to know it.
This is not unusual. I'm sorry you went through this. This would make for a good video / article topic so I'll try to address this down the road.
My son with schizophrenia was a victim of no contact by one of the know-it-alls in his family. Needless to say, it damaged him horribly and also caused him to go no contact with me after his father's overdose and death. (In his mind I think he blamed me because that is what he was taught to do!) He finally understood things years later and told me but eventually committed suicide.
I'm so very sorry for your incomprehensible loss. A tragic example of why this form of systemic 'invisible' abuse must be recognized. Glad you're here.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse "Incomprehensible loss". I wish my family of origin understood what the loss of my oldest son by suicide has done to me. I'm one of eight kids and now only have contact with my little sister and youngest brother. After my abusive older sister no longer had me around as her punching bag to scapegoat and smear, she turned it on my youngest sister. My dad supports this abuse, and at 89, I may have to give up the man I have worshipped and adored my entire life to be left with very painful memories and resentment. It's unforgivable what she's done to me, my late son, and my sister. I made the horrible mistake of believing our family had only unconditional love for each other, but boy, was I wrong. I can no longer jump through their endless hoops due to my grief and pain, and I am now the bad guy. I'm only alive now for my youngest son.
It is an unjust, horribly painful form of abuse, FSA. Here's a resource page I put together in case you see something that might seem helpful: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am so sorry for your loss.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much. Your work has helped me understand.
The turning your childagainst you is crushing ....
Thank you for this video. It helped me a lot. 💜
Glad it was helpful!
I’m starting starting to learn about Rumi’s poetry and was going to get the book.
So many thanks
Wonderful!
Oh dear.... You have just explained to me what ive been wondering for maybe a decade... whenever there is a crisis... thats when the calls and connecting starts to happen again and again. Now i know why
Get involved again because we need you! You are the only human that can provide "human" support in our family..
Glad it was helpful - although perhaps a bit disturbing to realize this.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I can't fathom why people can't tap into their own empathy. But we did have an ENTJ mother, that also explains a lot.
“I see all the evil behind their smiles.” It is eerie, isn’t it? I saw a smirk on my uncle’s face at a family funeral. I was fighting PTSD just to be there. I went because the one who died always loved and supported me genuinely and I wanted to honor him. I did not sit with family, but in the balcony so as not to be seen. When my uncle caught my eye looking up at me, he winked, smiled, and smirked.
At a funeral! I was flabbergasted. I think I disassociated as I just stared in disbelief, shock, and sadness.
I have an adult child who told me she chooses my parents over me as long as I stay no contact with them.
An inheritance is involved.
God got me out too.
Lots of agonizing prayer.
Still such sadness and pain. No contact for 3 years. I’m so glad you have a husband to support you through all this! God sends me people here and there. I’ve had surrogate mothers and fathers. He is faithful when we are at our weakest.
It can be scary for some, particularly in the beginning when the family members are notorious for disregarding your boundaries. I remember being so worried one of them or all of them would show up at my door. At the time I was just coming off the family mobbing while my father (also quite narcissistic) was dying. I was so hypervigilant, so exhausted, so much in fight/flight mode. But I was mentally prepared to dial 911 if they showed up and wouldn't go away when I told them to. It concerned me most if they caught me outside though.
I have not told any of my 5 siblings my new address. Only a cousin knows so I will know exactly where it has come from if the others find out. It's so sad that our trust of others is tested bc our own family can't be trusted. I left my 1st husband and fled with my 7 month old son after DV, and my own father told him where I had moved to! He came to that house,caused trouble in a drunke rage with the people that had let me move into granny flat and I had to get a court order against him the next day. And people wonder why I don't trust my own family. 😢
These dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems are at root extremely enmeshed, no matter how fractured the system may appear on the outside. Hence the inability to tolerate healthy boundaries, as discussed in a recent video I did on this, which you likely saw.
I’m impressed!!!!! And you even gave us the title of the book for Rumi poetry.
That was easy to follow.
What had a tumbling experience but I mix tough with fun and allow process to take over.
I been at this for awhile trying to get out of disbelief.
My world came crashing down at once so good news tough part done.
I would talk about my experience if it be a short thing to do but arrived okay back to normal. Pot luck yah people went to town and got pot lucky. I just herd that term but how I made this short.
Thanks, just processed everything immediately and now onto more details.
That was so well delivered. Other channels can talk fast and your trying to get the message but get information overload instead.
Good to hear. As a trauma-informed content creator / therapist / coach, I do my best not to trigger and activate people's nervous system with sensationalist material and delivery techniques.
I wish I knew all of this 5 years ago when I went no contact. Still going thru the pain. Love your content Rebecca, thank you. xx
Thank you - You have my resource list already, I think, but if not it is on my website menu at www.scapegoatrecovery.com.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yeah, I do. I honestly thought life would be a breeze once I cut ties with my malignant family, only to find out the real pain was about to hit. I'm much better now, but life is so much harder on your own. How did you deal with it?
In the end, I think I am amazingly stubborn. I refuse to have my life ruined by other people's cruelty and dysfunction. And I always focus on making lemonade out of lemons. My book is one such example of lemonade.
Really appreciate what you do and your focus because it's so important for those of us who've been in this role in the family to have validation and understanding of the trauma and grief that we've gone through in the role of scapegoat in a narcissistic family.❤
Thank you for letting me know my FSA work has been helpful. Linking you to my FSA survivor resource list in case you haven't seen it yet. familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
The abuse escalated to the point I financial,occupational,and general stability was affected.The abuse of character assination followed me throughout my career I had cognitive dissonance and dissociative numbness to cope. but spiritual ambush was real.It wasn't a human warfare.
Your channel speaks directly to me and my experiences and you're amazing I almost never leave comments etc so tysm ❤
You are so welcome, and I appreciate this comment from you. Here's my resource list in case you need more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I am "no contact" as you described, but I have to say that I'm no contact because my family (extended - siblings, aunts, most cousins, etc.) went "no contact" with me first. I didn't have to lift a finger -- just stopped trying. It felt like I was begging for any attention. It's been transactional for some time. I can't even describe in a healthy way why occasionally I will hear from one sibling, other than it's my birthday and she feels guilty? I don't really know. It feels fake and hurtful. So my "no contact" isnt' of my own doing: it's just an acceptance of the way I am treated, and I've given myself permission to stop trying (begging?). I know I did nothing wrong. I know I harbor no deep resentment. I just want peace.
As I often say, "What the system cannot understand or control, it will reject / eject." More resources here if you need additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I purchased your book and am myself a therapist so I feel I have a good understanding of what's going on. Just today, my son acknowledged that he is writing his (advanced degree) college application on resilience and wants to get into why he and his sister were "collateral damage" in my family's issues. I just reflected back to him to think about whether he thought it was the responsibility of two small kids (this happened 14 years ago) or the adults in the family to address and fix the issues. He knew the answer. I also reinforced that he has the right to go and ask my siblings that exact question, although I couldn't guarantee what response he might receive (hurtful, or mournful)...it just hurts me that no matter what I do, we are all living with the pain of being abandoned.
This is the 'Gordian Knot' I reference in my book. It is unjust, unfair, full of double binds - I hope that you find my content helpful; I know that it can only help so much. Glad you're here.
@@brendagregoryyuen4923 I'm sorry & I understand, my son has asked if I minded him visiting my "so called" siblings to talk "things" over. I replied that I didn't mind, it was up to him, whilst screaming internally "please don't as they will only hurt you as they did me". He's all grown up now but my wish is to protect him still from such folk.
I heard something impactful in a sermon yesterday that helped with my FSA situation. Sometimes Jesus has more planned for us on the other side of the lake. Perhaps there is someone else needing our friendship, assistance or relationship. When we are stuck or remain trapped in the drama, anger, guilt, etc. of the family abuse, we aren’t open to what’s in store for us on the other side. That helped me to put the ruminating thoughts aside or in their place. Healthier relationships are in store for me.
I have found this to be true - both professionally and personally. Thank you.
Me and my son and daughter went no contact w my side of the family 6 months ago and every day feels better than the day before. Even my kids (20’s) commented I seem better and they are doing fine. There are brief moments I wish I had a family but I also wish I had a Lamborghini….so I get a kayak instead.
I live in a small town w them and everyone loves them but I love me. My grandmother showed me love I know what it is.
Work out, move, hike, swim, dig…doing something seems to help more than anything…after no contact
This is often the case. It is difficult to gain traction in one's recovery if the wound is being constantly poked, prodded, and torn open.
I was married to a narcissist for 24 years. I divorced him 22 years ago. We had 5 children. I quickly became the family scapegoat. He has turned 2 of the children totally against me. The one daughter who has stood by me is also getting scapegoated by her siblings. I have one daughter who is highly influenced by her dad. I fear she will turn on me next. It’s so painful. 22 years later and my ex is still a toxic influence in my life even though he remarried 4 months after the divorce was final.
I look forward to every video that you make Rebecca. Keep them coming. Your perspective, research & experience combined is unparalleled.
Thank you - Many more videos to come!
I was NC with Father for 10 years. He died this May; and found out about his death from a card I received from a distant cousin. I went NC with siblings 5-6 years ago The estrangement was initiated by my father (a narcissistic, abusive, malignant, alcoholic ) and I can tell you my life was more peaceful without him. He was emotionally abusive and used his money (our inheritance) to keep control of his offspring. I was more affected by the estrangement from my siblings. I thought we had a bond, but in reality it was fake and toxic. As the years passed I began to blame myself and would often ruminate about my so called wrong doings. Maybe this was all my fault. This estrangement thing can really mess with your head. I'm in a much better place now, but its taken some time.
The space has at last meant i have started to consider the reality of evil.
I learned of the reality of evil when I became a whistle blower at a skilled nursing facility where abuse of the elderly was going on - And the staff and administrator knew it was going on, and did absolutely nothing to stop it.
Disgrace Rebecca- and sadly seen the world over- how some people can switch off a whole part of themselves- it’s very much yes how could atrocities happen and then we look closer and the behaviours and attitudes of competent and privileged humans.
This topic is addressed in the book “People of the Lie.” There is a case of parents with a teenage son whom they gifted the rifle of his former brother who committed suicide with it. An evil, subtle message indeed.
Yes, I'm the scapegoat also!!
sorry to hear it.
Your videos are on repeat lately. I am listening to everything you post. Those of us who finally have found the voice that completely gets what it means to be scapegoated and how persistent and cell level these beliefs have become need to hear your calm voice reminding us over and over that it wasn’t ever about us.
I am so very glad that my content here is helping you and appreciate your letting me know. Not sure if you have my resource list yet - I've just started a more private community (free and paid); its on the list, in case you want to check it out: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
There's like -1000000000 therapists out here that understand this. I am just trying to re parent myself. I do have a therapist but she's not really educated on these matters.
Here's a resource list I put together in case you see something helpful. Glad you're here. www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thank you Rebecca for another beneficial video & I can relate to the anxiety felt when going no contact with family as it left me very vulnerable in my community. Some women enjoyed the gossip of my situation & the drama was directed to me being on my own which can be very dangerous in my area. Thankfully I'm a hermit so I stayed safe & found you so I agree that the services need to deal with each case individually with safety concerns & factors.
My concern for this week is to try to figure out how to deal with 45 years of persecution because of the false narrative. I went back to work on 23rd April whichave is my little sisters birthday & the whole Scapegoating ordeal started again. I'm exhausted with the fake people who have forced me to relive historical abuse all over again. The only positive aspect to come out of this episode is that I remembered the Professionals involved & can understand that this ttype of abuse goes further than family.
Sounds very trying and challenging. Not sure if you have my resource list - here it is, just in case you want more support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/scapegoat-recovery-consultations/
It has been a year since I disconnected from my mother and two sisters. I, thankfully have a beautiful and supportive husband and our family.
A blessing, indeed.
One serious life long issue of going no contact was the systemic disenfranchisement: not having a permanant address, led to many problems, how do you get a job without an address or an address without a job?, where do legal correspondences go? If I get a legal citation, the abuser recieves it and hides it, a college student is under their parents income bracket until age 25 as if the government automatically assumes they help their kid, so federal financial aid is stifled, or if they hold on to your birth certificate it's impossible to renew a license or get utilities, credit and banking issues, the list goes on and on to different ways abusive parents can continue abuse after no contact, 30 years later and I'm still on shaky ground about those issues, my mother just threw my legal documents that went to her in the trash or return to sender
Yes, that is a consequence few discuss or may not even think about. This can definitely happen.