1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads. 2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
I never thought of that but you’re right. It does happen. My father started scapegoating me from the time I was very young. When I was a young adult I ended up in mental hospitals. In private he was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive but he would come to visit me in the hospitals often. His personality changed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde (or was it the other way around I forgot but you probably get what I mean). He was the savior who came to help his daughter bringing her things to eat and so on. I never realized what he was doing until the other day. They wear that false mask sometimes.🙄
My mom wouldn't admit I had Crohn's disease (which is NUTS, I had a bloody, inflamed colon, 3 years of Colonoscopies, genetic tests and several doctors confirming the diagnosis), she would tell everyone I was lying for attention and it was in my head. Then she started dating a doctor who looked at my scans and said "yes, this is very severe Crohn's disease," and suddenly, I had Crohn's disease! Then it was "oh my poor baby, are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything? Of course I'm always here for you." But only when people were around. She still does it, but it's so fake and sickly sweet that it makes my stomach turn. These people are seriously crazy-making. Edit: my mom is and was a nurse at the time, for at least a decade and a half at that point. She knew what Crohn's disease was, she just viewed ME as a hypochondriac that apparently couldn't get sick. Just for clarity's sake.
I did that too for over a decade, I went to bed at a stupidly early time. I'm now coming back to normal rhythm but still wake up insanely early, so I have formed an amazing morning routine I cannot wait to do every day.
I'm the opposite, I'm awake till 2,3am I have to foce myself to turn off my light & try to go to sleep. These people keep me awake at night, I've had insomnia since a child. Sleep is a relief tho... Every day's a new day & it's just a matter of avoiding narcs along the way. Some you can't avoid,coworkers,clients,etc but we can avoid most family narcs if we enforce our boundaries.
Me to i am so tyerd ,i left my familie 2 days ago , i am grandmother it was so horrebel and lonley .i was so afraid from the silentreatmand ,they offended bullied me .the narcessistic familie members who are also alcoholic abused me fysicel to in front of my grandson. I wich everyone a lot of power and love ❤
I believe being disrespected can be contagious to other potentially toxic people when they see you mistreated, then the dogpiling happens. Can be strangers or those closer.
Baffling indeed, but neatly captured in the infamous novel, 'Lord of the Flies'. This primitive aspect of the human psyche when it is undeveloped and 'split' and (unconsciously) ruled by fear and a need to feel empowered in the systems it finds itself in. Such as the narcissist's psyche.
I agree. It's really strange. And the bizarre looks from people the parent has talked to towards the scapegoat. How they join in. You would think they would say, " so your daughter hasn't talked to you in 20 years, what could she have possibly done as a child that would make you feel the need to still be badmouthing her all these years later?"
“That the world seems like an unsafe dangerous place”. 😢 this hits home. Makes it hard to leave toxic workplaces or relationships when lived experience is that everyone is unsafe
I KNEW my pain was caused by the life I was forced to endure but could never find a way to untangle the knots...I finally found the courage to cut it all off 30 years ago...thinking the new start was going to solve all the problems... REALIZING the deprivations would still leave me WAY behind in life..AT LEAST I could get a clean start as an "orphan" at 40... LOL I was NOT prepared for the "punishment" I had in store for having the GALL to free myself... AND....the societal shaming for self orphaning...DEAR GOD....I finally realized this is a lifelong recovery process...almost like a physical chronic illness...
In my book, I also use a 'knot' analogy: The Gordian Knot. These insidious FSA dynamics cannot be unraveled. One must "slice through" to free themselves if they are to create space to heal. Something you clearly had the courage to do.
I cycled between hyperarousal and hypoarousal every day for the past over 20 years. This was incorrectly diagnosed as rapidly cycling bipolar disorder type II, 10 years after my symptoms first appeared. About 5 years back a therapist diagnosed me with cyclothymia and PTSD. My most recent diagnosis is complex PTSD. But family scapegoating abuse is the best way to describe my childhood, followed by multiple betrayal traumas during my adult life, including from my in-laws family, scientific community in India. I love your statement when you say In order to heal, we must know what we are healing from.
So glad to hear you finally received an appropriate diagnosis that acknowledges complex trauma. I mention in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) how common it is for adult survivors to be diagnosed with BPD, etc, when they actually suffer from complex trauma symptoms due to FSA. I did a clinical series on FSA for survivors and clinicians here on my channel - Not sure you've seen it yet but I address C-PTSD in more detail. Here's the link to the videos: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOEoeIx75TNU59TjSc2YHo7W&si=o4gIuxRku3eOqQRL
I have read every book, listened to every podcast, done therapy, YOUR content is absolutely SPOT ON! Especially the part about being successful outside of the family yet STILL sick, mentally I’ll, crazy, immature, stupid, lier etc… My extremely damaged mother is at the helm. Armed with lies, pity and money.
Thank you, Mindy. I do hope my work will feel validating to FSA adult survivors - and also, that my new clinical series will be helpful to therapists and clinicians. I'll be discussing Structural Dissociation in tomorrow's video. Also, you may wish to read my book on what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@mindykirklin4714 - I know exactly what you mean. No matter what you do it will be poopooed. Mine idolise money and status, and not much else. But not from me.
I’ve been scapegoat since birth. I’m sacrificed at the altar of convenience for whatever person or situation. I don’t flatter myself that covert narc mum and narc sisters think about me unless I’m in their way, or they want to leverage me for some reason. Fortunately I ran away at young age and learned who I was. I’m still scapegoat for entire family but it’s never affected my confidence or self esteem. I’m no contact now after finally realizing mum was ringleader as covert narc. I often pity them because their lives are very small and limited. My anger and desire for retribution is strong , but there’s no value in that. I actually pity them because they have to wake up every day being themselves, living their lives. They crush all joy they see.
Sounds like you caught on early to the dynamics that were going on in your family and you had a strong enough sense of self to not get swept under and into the flotsam. Linking you to a video on scapegoat injustice, in case you'd like to take a look: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
OMG, 63YRS , hate and self loathing, this has so explained my entire world I will be getting your books and work to recover Was disowned by family, chose no contact with others 20yrs ago, was still struggling Have moved so far ahead with the knowlede, you have compassionately and from ❤, I can so relate it all since 6yrs old Thank you
You're welcome, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Not sure if your RUclips handle reflects your 'real' last name but I am a descendant of Potter people from back East, they settled there very early in NH and MA. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors as well - glad you will be getting my book! www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
No from the UK ,1975, at 13. Half Scottish half British Abandoned then, disowned at 23, by the Scottish side for pregnancy , only my dad for 16yrs till I had to walk away from him Definitely gen erational dynamic of dysfunctional people, both sides, mum my abuser , right till she died Didn't grieve then 22yrs ago, had no relationship with her from 17, don't have any regrets about it
These weak families needing a strong scapegoat are so unconscious. It disgusts me that they choose an innocent child to torture instead of looking within. To not even get curious about why one is the way they are is beyond me. What else are we here for?
This is what I've been saying for years. My biggest question no one could ever answer was WHY? Now I know but it was torture growing up so strong, active, talented, social, smart, only to be treated like absolute dirt by the people who brought us into this world. It's maddening, just maddening!
@steffiekensley8743 yes, I am grappling with making a decision to stop all family ties with those people. The difficult part is - I have 2 grandchildren that will be cut off my life until they get of age to make their own choices. The only way I get to see them is pitiful and I get bullied by their mother - my daughter
@@jocelyntotz1155 How hard! A lot of this healing is about emotional energy. We are forced to face the question, How can I be happy if: I can't see my grandkids, I have no family, I'm alone? Yet, I've found after grieving the loss of what we never had, happiness becomes less elusive. The question then becomes: How can I be happy if: my family member bullies me, I get repeatedly disrespected, made the butt of every joke, pathologically belittled and blamed? Once all of that is cut out of our lives, there's a peace that replaces the worry. Then, our emotional energy changes. It's no longer inextricably linked to what happened to us but more connected to what we make happen. I pray that truth is revealed for all parties involved and cannot be unseen. Perhaps, one day, these casualties of war - including the children in our families - will see with their own adult eyes what the truth was all along. The better we feel and the more empowered we become, the more likely I believe they can see through the malignant conditioning of the perpetrator playing victim because they'll start looking for a consistent emotional safe space, just like we did. 🙏✝️❤
Another thing that you were very spot on about was how they will like ignore the scapegoat suffering like they're pretending or something like the scapegoat can break a leg and then the doctor will say yeah the leg is broken and the family will be like no no it's okay
Yes, that's from my 'You're Faking It' video. I have first-hand experience with this and from the FSA research I did, I'd say this is a common aspect of FSA. Much too common, in fact.
That happened with my badly and permanently damaged eye and face. It was sooo obvious and one doctor told my mother that it was severely damaged. The family was like “No. It never happened “.
@@christar9527 I remember your earlier comment on that in my 'You're Faking It' video. It is so important that Mental Health professionals and Medical doctors realize these things really happen. I know this one first-hand, btw.
My father was my grandmother's emotional punching bag and her scapegoat until he died. Once he died she turned it on 7-year-old me. I've recently stopped talking to her. My brother told her why I won't speak to her and she called me a liar to his face. He told her no he saw it himself. My grandmother still is trying to contact me and it's been almost a year. I've heard no word of apology and I know she'll tell me I misunderstood. I didn't misunderstand when my grandmother called me weekly to tell me my mother her DIL is a cheating wh*re. My mother was cheated on by my late father but my grandmother has been trying to ruin my mother's character with me for years because she doesn't like me relying on my mother. I'm done with 20 years of her abuse while also trying to sabotage all my family relationships and friendships. I truly don't understand people like my grandmother. I blame the rest of my family for allowing her to abuse me and not stick up for child me. People knew it was happening and no one but my mother did anything. All because it made their lives easier. I don't understand any of them
Hi Alanna, this scenario is right out of my videos, articles, and book. Scapegoating is typically driven by a projective identification process and this can happen in both a highly traumatized dysfunctional family and in a family where a narcissist-type wields great power in the family system due to their aggressive behaviors, family influence, money, etc. And so children get abused and nobody intervenes. It is shameful and I hope that my work (and that of others in the clinical field) helps to wake up the various systems (family; law; education, etc) that need to understand that scapegoating is a hideous form of psycho-emotional abuse.
I also struggled immensely with the knowledge that my family KNEW how bad it was and INTENTIONALLY did nothing because they were just glad the anger was pointed at anyone but them. I can't seem to accept it. Especially with all the denials and gaslighting. I just can't understand how someone could throw a child's life away with no remorse or guilt or anything. I've never done anything like that myself. Even as a kid I ALWAYS stood up to bullies and never picked on anyone. If I could do that as a kid... why the hell did full grown adults allow a child to be brutalized? I truly cannot stomach it or understand it. Especially because all of society says the same thing "blood is thicker than water" and "family will always be there for you" and if you try to say differently they come down HARD on you. Like you're evil because you say that families can be abusive and dangerous. But that's CLEARLY supported in data. Most people's abusers are FAMILY. So... I just can't understand the vicious denials of reality. And how easy it was to throw me away.
@@hobocode The myth that "blood is thicker than water" is deeply engrained in our society. Cognitive dissonance is when people are in total denial, bc it affects their view of the world. Like when a woman whose husband is playing around and she will not believe it, even tho everyone else can see it. Or the child tells the mother that someone is touching her inappropriately & she calls the child a liar, It's a deeply ingrained belief that they will always defend, even if they see proof with their own eyes.They will always justify the proof. They do not want to be wrong, no matter what. 😢
Thank you for explaining. My MD told me I had PTSD at the time I was going through the worst scapegoating of my adult life (while I was ill no less). But when I saw therapists and even a psychiatrist that dx was never entertained - I was given GAD and major depression. Your comments toward the end of the video hit home - now I understand when and why I go into a dark hole. It’s because I’ve been having long distance contact with my elderly mother. Unfortunately any contact with her is indirect contact with my narc brother who despises me. My mom I believe passed on her generational trauma to me. So sad, so much wasted time. Thank you for this video.
My adopted family had a little problem. My parents had adopted a mentally challenged son as an infant. I was adopted as an infant 2 years later. Looking back it all makes sense now why I was scapegoated and always seem to always become the low man in the totem pole. My brother budded into a schizophrenic child with bpd no other family member would accept. I am in the process of detatching emotionally from this adult who i was primed to eventually take care of. This plan has almost destroyed my life. And the stigma has always followed me. I have cptsd and i know it was clearly a direct result of this irresponsible familys' treatment of me. My whole life. His mother lived in denial that he could function as a competent member of soceity. It wasn't sad. It was wrong to put me in that impossibly confusing situation growing up. And for her family to collude with this arrangement. MMM. I see those people all as trash now. I missed out on a good life due to this neglect and irresponsible decision. Watch who you have pity for. It might just be a trap that You will have consequences for years to come after they're long gone. They'll leave you holding the bag of their burdens. My advice to anyone who been the black sheep, scapegoat, remember it was your parents' responsibility to protect you. Not yours to protect them and their feelings. Life is not a fantasy. But for a dillusional child of a pair of alcoholics they dont live with consequences. They put them onto everyone else they can fool. Yes. You get what you get. But we dont have to be slaughtered emotionally by a pack of liars. These videos are Gold. And Its only up from here on out. .
I was adopted into this dynamic as well with an adopted sibling who had learning challenges. I was the first and only female child and immediately and to this day, 16 years since the loss of my sibling, was and will always be the scapegoat. I've seen a few comments now from adoptees in these situations and I think the double hit of the trauma of relinquishment and this kind of abuse needs to be more openly talked about.
@@mellimel9300 Most definitely. My human rights were not taken seriously in this family, as a child. And I am so thankful that people are finally coming out and talking about this hidden form of abuse. It's wild. My story is just beyond belief when I dare to look at the consequences of an irresponsible decision to keep this abusive relationship going. And it takes a very courageous person to look at it. I am a firm believer that the rights of the mentally and emotionally healthy citizens in this country are being violated by this reckless placement of the mentally challenged into the mainstream of society. My life is a testament to this. And that the proof is in the pudding, as in my case that this child did nothing but damage to this family. And you know, sometimes life is just unfair. It was unfair for me to have to put up with His emotional abuse. Some of these situations need a caretaker who is very knowledgeable about these serious conditions.
@@kaystephens2672your story is almost as bad as mine. I’ve been adopted under x from a mother who was heavily abused going to a heavily abusive narc adoptive mother plus a 3 year older psychopath brother who’s also been adopted but 3 years before me. I am the scapegoat I have been attacked all my life physically as psychologically and I am severely disabled and sick from all of it. My life is and has been a trauma even before I was born. The agency who gave me for adoption didn’t care when I was a child nor did anyone else of professionals who I tried to seek for help. I have been living in the same place all my life only to find out that my narc adoptive mother put a will up that my psychopathic adoptive brother will inherit EVERYTHING meaning leaving me homeless. I only found out by accident but it’s another knife in my heart.
One of my mother's favorite stories to retell at family gatherings was when I was 5-6 and this girl used to come over and play and I'd always wind up crying and my mother told people that it was because this girl could outdo me at everything. Drawing, roller skating, running, etc. I remember that period but I cried because she wasn't a very nice girl. I just preferred choosing my own friends.
A fine (yet sad and angering?) example of the false 'scapegoat narrative' that is shoved into children's tender psyches from the earliest of ages - when the neural pathways are forming and connecting. This is why FSA can be so deeply wounding and difficult to address and recover from.
Wow. Sounds like your mother may have deliberately brought this girl over to antagonize you/create a sort of triangle where you looked "bad" in comparison. It's sad that there are parents out there (including mine) who get off by causing/watching their children suffer.
💡 I think I understand now why, decades ago, my brilliant, supportive therapist declined ever giving me a diagnosis, why so many, OTHER than my family, thought I was sane and healthy despite them! 👀😮🙏
The information has not been out there, but slowly I am seeing more therapists write articles about what I call 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), although they are not using the FSA term. Just saw one today in Psychology Today that mirrored many of my articles and concepts in my book, in fact. So hopefully FSA adult survivors will have their trauma recognized and appropriate treatment offered. Of course, the DSM in the U.S. still does not include C-PTSD!
My main issue in getting assistance in therapy has been the 'accusatory finger-pointing at me' for being 'sick, deficient, imperfect, damaged-goods, bad, wrong, deserving of contempt, irreparable, labeled with diagnoses that prove that I am all of those 'bad' things, messed up, worthless, unworthy, etc.
That is an understandable fear. You might want to check out a more transpersonally-oriented therapist, one who is licensed, but who can be creative in regard to meeting the needs of any insurance companies who require a diagnoses while refraining from putting you in a box - with a limiting label stamped upon it. 'Adjustment Disorder', for example, is an insurance reimbursable diagnosis. And most everyone has trouble adjusting to what life presents to them at times.
I have pratically nobody left in my life for support . Scapegoated for past 24 years by covert malignant narc mother . 3 siblings all wrapped around her finger . Sister and older brother are narcs and younger brother deep seated issues w my mother that he has zero clue of . But the way he treats woman is disgusting. The way he talked to me was disgusting yet I'M THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE "PRAYERS" . His wife is a narc so he is definitely getting his karma . And everyone ive ever tried to turn to for help ended up betraying me and being reeled in by narc mother . Nobody believes she is abusive bc she Plays the PERFECT MOTHER /friend /mother in law so damn well . The smear campaigns by narc mother and sister have been endless . How does 1 feel safe with not 1 person who believes they are being abused ? The neighbors all love my narc mother . Its incideous!!
FSA is an extremely insidious and subtle form of abuse in many cases. Many people here will relate to your experiences. Safety will typically need to be created and experienced outside of the systems that support and promote what I call the 'scapegoat narrative' that you may be saddled with. I hope you find my videos here helpful. You may also want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed to learn more about FSA - something I researched on (and have treated) for years.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusehi Rebecca! I found you this summer and your scapegoat videos validated my life and you gave me a name for the ABUSE!!! I bought your book as well! Your articles are fantastic. Your work is fantastic and your CRY FOR HELP video really hit home. Thank you so much for helping us to heal and find our way ❤️
I appreciate you letting me know - and YES - it certainly needed (and deserves) to have a name. 'Narcissistic abuse' just doesn't serve to capture the specific features of this form of systemic/social abuse - and I am very pleased to see the term I created (FSA) is catching on.
I totally relate to you same here , Always felt must be me, I'm the one alone. My only daughter blocked me out for 10 years, lives by my sister. She said I have a big heart but I play victim role. Im the only one in family who has had major counseling looking for help. I'll pray for you, it's so hard to not have support in life.
@Iv5584 - You are speaking my language. Reading your comment was like reading about my life (minus all the siblings, I only have one). It's like they ALL have the same book they follow to act the way they do.
My dad used to tell me that I’m the reason for his anger. His anger was my fault and so he’s not responsible. I believed this my entire life until I sought help.
So true. This is why when it comes to FSA, it definitely can be something that is not hidden and happens in public. Meaning, with scapegoating, it is often the case that the scapegoating family member does not change their behavior when others are around.
How many clients have you run across that ended up marrying a borderline personality only to be scapegoated by them as well and falsely accused of things and then sent to anger management or substance abuse intervention as if this was the problem when this wasn't the truth at all? My guess is alot. A simple accusation from this type of person can destroy your reputation and is very difficult to recover from as it automatically puts up life long barriers to your future success. Righteous anger does not require treatment unless of course you act on it. I think it would help enormously if the Justice system took these conditions you're discussing into account. The World is absolutely an unsafe and dangerous place and I have no doubt about that. Yet another very good video. Thank you.
I was 7 years old when my mom would scream at me (for having an disagreement) Finally, now everyone get to see what we struggle with, when it comes to you. No one believed us when we told how difficult you are, now they see, Thank god!» She had told me I was a difficult child from when I was born. Even before. I caused her to gain weight during her pregnancy with me, like it was my fault. While with my sister (golden child) she lost weight. Those words still haunts me. I have no sense of self, self esteem are no existing, been in therapy for many years, been seeing my current therapist for over two years, and with her help, I finally start to see how it all comes together.
I grew up thinking no one liked me. It effected me in elementary school and into high school. I just stayed a loner, but have 3 girlfriends who are STILL my BFFs since 1966. I thank God He gave me these friends, and that He walked with me as far back as I can remember, age 4. I guess the messages I got from gma, mother, & older sister made me believe that no one else liked me either. This comes up once in a while, as I am an empath and pick up on other people’s energies & feelings. I try to rationalize in my mind that it’s my imagination. Sometimes it works. Lol 😉👍🏼
This core belief of not being "okay" or that you are somehow defective can be instilled at a very early age and can be held deep in the unconscious. Awareness is the first step - recognizing the negative self talk and what I call the false "scapegoat narrative" is also key to healing from this form of invisible abuse (FSA).
You know, I've been sitting here wondering if I'm making up being the scapegoat. It's kind of hard to really tell - I have a lot of memory gaps. But hell if I'm not checking off these boxes one after another 😅
Here's my latest research-based FSA questionnaire - you might want to see what your results are on this: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/family-scapegoating-abuse-fsa-questionnaire/
I know exactly what you mean. There’s a little voice in the back of my head saying I’m over reacting. It’s family, I need to learn to get along with them. Obviously it’s my fault coz everyone thinks I need to change.
You just solved my life! i'm 34 and chronically ill, whats the best way to address it? i've tried absolutely everything (including going to college for psychology) I had assumed some sort of narcissism not necessarily npd Whats the best way to get this seen by a professional? nobody has any idea how absolutely crushing it is when police, mental health and family friends won't even listen, that i need to just watch my behavior (despite sneakily getting hidden audio recordings of abuse) I'm sick of missing my life and all the milestones others have had.
A good place to start is to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. I discuss possible therapeutic pathways toward the end. In most every case, being treated for complex trauma is necessary. You'll also want to watch all of the videos in my 'for Clinicians, therapists' (etc) playlist that has the titles highlighted in green. Be sure to watch them in order, oldest to newest. I'm currently researching on, and defining, family scapegoat trauma, by the way, similar to what I did with 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
These videos are so helpful - thank you! I relate to all of these. Now that I have gone no-contact with my family of origin I am more effectively able to acknowledge my trauma responses and step back from the reactivity that has plagued me throughout my life. Finding a therapist that “gets it” (and isn’t booked) seems like finding a needle in a haystack. I’ve gone through several, definitely relate to the scenario regarding therapists that you describe. If only more of them understood and could treat family scapegoating abuse. What a difference that would have made! These videos and your book have been invaluable. I look forward to the next.
Hi Leila, If you can find someone who practices sensori-motor psychotherapy who understands family systems and family roles (including the scapegoat role) that would be ideal. Some therapists are also happy to read my book if it will better help their client (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). I discuss treatment modalities in my book as well.
Thanks Rebecca! The more we understand the type of therapists to search for the less exhausting the search. With my last therapist I felt like I was constantly over explaining my situation which I didn’t at the time really even understand myself. Once I discovered the term “family scapegoat abuse” I was able to search information on the topic and refer her to your (and other’s) work on the topic. Unfortunately she didn’t seem particularly interested. I stopped working with her and paused looking for a new therapist, but I will resume again soon. I also ordered the trauma recovery book you mentioned above. Thank you so much, seriously you’ve been a godsend.
Good to hear, Leila - don't stop looking. You might ask the next therapist about not only reading my book, but working with you on Janina Fisher's workbook, Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma. They will need to be competent in treating complex trauma and ideally certified in some fashion to treat it.
this is me- I am 64. how can I overcome this. I have spent decades trying to find real help to move on. Forgiving my family is not enough. I am scared 24/7, I'm always alone to find safety. I have next to nothing. I have a hard time working or being in relationship.
Although I cannot advise people directly here on RUclips due to my licensing restrictions, I can say that addressing complex trauma may be a critical avenue for someone like you to explore. Whatever you do, don't give up - recovering from FSA is possible. Did you already read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed?
It took me almost 45 years to realize I lived my entire life being terrified by my own parents and lived a reactive life. That is rapidly changing. This channel is a God send. Thank you Dr. Mandeville!
Do you have clients that share with you that the "treatment" they received was compounding their trauma, gas-lighting them, and subjecting them to further harm, dangers and predatory individuals who have been working in the mental health industry without unpacking or healing?
I am not able to say if the mental health professionals were dangerous and predatory in their character; I CAN say that due to the lack of knowledge about this particular form of family abuse that I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA), clients have felt confused about their treatment, and in some cases, re-traumatized (although at the time they did not realize they were suffering from C-PTSD symptoms). Trauma-informed care and the need for it, along with the reality of various types of family 'invisible' abuse, is just now getting into the mainstream, at least here in the U.S. Complex trauma is still not recognized in the U.S. Diagnostic Statistical Manual, for example, but I am seeing many Continuing Ed Unit courses being offered now to licensed professionals, and I have been approached to do the same on FSA by CEU providers, so hopefully it will get better over time.
It's very scary, as when you put up strong boundaries they try their very best not to allow you the space to escape the trauma state(for fear of the shame landing on them possibly/the system coming to the surface). Flying monkeys, attacking your character, creating a Narrative to keep people away from you so you can't create a new support system. etc Currently going with minimal contact but taking time to consider the next steps mainly visit to see my brother who was also a scapegoat forced to live at home due to illness
Yes, it is a sticky, ugly mess, these types of family systems. With the situation you describe in your comment, if you were a client, I might say that your scapegoating was driven by narcissistic dynamics more than the Family Projective Identification Process common with traumatized, dysfunctional family systems (including alcoholic family systems). I always need to meet with people to learn more about their particular family system to determine what exactly might be going on, but regardless, the FSA target must always protect themselves from further abuse and psycho-emotional distress.
@Dans white That was also my strategy. So sad, looking back on it. And the sense of deep shame and humiliation that arose when even that didn't work at times.
Thanks so much, Dan. Hope you subscribe - I release videos on Saturday mornings weekly. You may also want to read my book on what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) - a result of my research on this particular dysfunctional or narcissistic family dynamic.
Thank you Rebecca, you have helped me so much. I was scapegoated by my family, but also at work a few times and recently by a friend.. is this a common occurrence for some scapegoats? I stood up for myself at work this time and it felt so good. thanks again for your work...
Yes, this can be a common experience. I used to give conferences on how we may find ourselves in our family-of-origin role(s) in the workplace. Both individual and systemic unconscious forces are responsible for this phenomenon, including projection and projective identification processes.
I’m so tired of everyone wanting me on meds & counsellors who cant/wont/don’t get me. Who ask me a question & before I finish answering shut me down & tell me to be present in an abrupt manner. Then decide to cut back our sessions to fortnightly…. I’m not giving them what they need so they manage me out at least this time I’m seeing it after usually people pleasing & pretending the very surface level counselling is working for me.
This is far too common, sadly. Certainly that is not 'trauma-informed care' - hopefully all mental health professionals will one day be better informed as to how important understanding the principles of trauma-informed therapy work, especially when working with those impacted by family abuse. One of the reasons I've started this series for both survivors and clinicians. This Saturday I'll be discussing trauma-informed care in the form of the TIST model developed by Dr Janina Fisher.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thanks so much for your work - I’m getting through your resources & just bought her book as I thought I needed to work alongside counsel to achieve some results @ the moment I am cycling over & over as parents are 75 & 80 & I’m already this beast of a daughter in everyone’s eyes & so to react in any way other than respectfully is going to be exactly what “my bff mom” is counting on to validate her lies & false narrative. I’m thinking if I can look @ the breaches of my privacy & accessing my personal information & eventually fraudulently ending up on my title yet I wasn’t added to the title of their property as a family trust might do will help me to get clear on how easy it was for them to do this & actually show a course of actions & results that are not random as I perceived them to be but in fact a well planned takeover just as her role as 2ic for major pharmaceutical company entailed her to do for most of my life. As if I’m going to embark on private prosecution so I can get clear on the acts & their legality & not blur it with my emotions. Thanks again girlie holding space for us & yay my tribe xxx
That is a great question - it would depend on the 'players' and the circumstance, but could be one, the other, or both. There are no 'always' or 'nevers' with these types of dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems, despite what you may hear these days.
Thank you Rebecca. I realize I am in the first stage of recovery. Which is a sad reality, yet I am thankful to even understand that. I feel stuck and hope seems like a far away friend. I understand that black hole. It's not fun...few understand. I am grateful for your understanding and knowledge and wisdom. I know I have told you that many times before in the comments. It's true, I am grateful. I am struggling to see God's purpose in all this. I pray for all of us in this community. I don't know their names but I know their pain. Wish I had a friend to walk beside me...there's not one. So I have decided to be that kind compassionate understanding friend to myself. So much of today's video I resonate with. Thank you. I find these two words; discover and recovery, are like a glove and a hand. The two go together. What you said is so true: "To recover from something you have to understand what you are trying to recover from." Thank you for helping us to discover on this circular spiraling path of healing. A 👑 awaits you. Jane
I think this is true for so many FSA adult survivors, Jane, myself included. I couldn't find the information I was searching for years ago so was on my recovery journey seemingly alone. This is one of the reasons I knew I had to get a book out and give this form of family abuse a name. It is also helpful and healing for me to be able to engage with you all here. Keep going - much Light, Freedom, and Joy await!
Thanks Rebecca. This community is a big help. The naming of the abuse is priceless. So much power in the naming. And your book reflects all your lonely seasons in life as you searched and researched. Seriously a crown awaits you. I will hang onto your encouraging words. I appreciate your individual comments to each of us. I learn as I read each one. Such a gracious community has formed here. Thank you Jane
❤️ "I am struggling to see God's purpose in all this." Yes....at age 66, I don't believe this comes from God, but the Evil One. Maybe we are the ones Yeshua is talking about when he said he came not to bring peace, but a sword. A sword between a mother and her daughter, etc. So we could cut those unhealthy ties that seem to be unseen in the spiritual realm....and to look forward to a different, better home than what is offered on this planet. Thank you for covering us in prayer. ❤️
@@norxgirl1 Also - a sword of TRUTH. And, the truth will always divide...This is what my chapter on the Empath in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, addresses. My FSA research clearly shows that a high percentage of FSA adult survivors are the family Empath 'truth-teller'. Truth is very threatening to closed, dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems.
I am so happy that I came across your channel just over a week ago. I ordered and subsequently recieved your book on Monday past. I am so grateful to have this tool to aid in my recovery. Thank you very much. Sincerely, Debra from B.C. Canada
The shock of recognition can hit deep. Glad you're here. Linking you to my survivor resource list for additional support options: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Appreciate the many helpful videos, thanks for your contribution. I lost track as you went along, of the six signs. It was hard to tell where each began or if you were just talking extemporaneously. So, saying, out loud, "Number 3. Is called. . . Number 4 is. " or listing them in the description, or in the comments, so it's easy to see at a glance. Im a good student and listened closely, but it ran together for me . . .Right now i could only name two of the six, and confidently only one. Sometimes commenters make a list too, but I didn't see one. Sorry if I sound like "that guy" your videos are very helpful and informative. I am frustrated though, I cant just recall or glance at the six, its important and its just one person's feedback. All the best
Hi Steve, thanks for taking the time to write in with your suggestions. This was an earlier video of mine. I am now adding transparencies in the videos when I am bringing up new concepts or signs, as you will see in my latest video here: ruclips.net/video/gNHUjs8lI6U/видео.html Or sometimes I use graphics and GIFs. Great feedback, and I will do my best to organize my videos a bit more: I do not use scripts and so it is a fine balance between doing what feels most true for me (following my own flow ad lib) but also accommodating viewer needs / wishes, since this is an educational channel.
Had to go Google search structural disassociation... Ugh. That explains A LOT. Looking forward to your more deep dive into this, along with some possible coping mechanisms. I'm trying so hard to reconcile these two opposing "needs" in my mind that I'm in bed most days. Thanks again for doing this. I can't find a trauma-informed therapist in my area and am trying to heal pretty much on my own, as best I can, until I find someone to work with.
That's the primary reason I started this channel. I hope to offer therapists FSA training and certification one day - I only wish there was more than one of me to help spread the word - Right now I'm working on finding like-minded colleagues who can help.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I don't think I can link his channel without RUclips muting this comment, but Patrick Teahan is doing similar work in childhood trauma.
Oh. My. Freaking. God. This is … oh my god. This is me. My life. You just put my shut off unshowered single serial sucky shrink seeing but still seeking self in plain sight and just OH. MY. FREAKING. GOSH. 🥺🥺🥺🤯🤯
Hi Charlotte, I see you have a knack for alliterations! I realize it is not an ideal thing, to relate strongly to my videos here, but... You might also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', which also represents my research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' or FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Oh I ordered it almost a month ago when I first found you!!! I just got back from spring break with my college age kids and I’m about to start it. It’s taking me a while to get through the video content - I can’t watch back to back because I have to process them they hit me so deeply. I wanted to start your book when I could really take my time with it and sit with it because sometimes I need to hear each video a few times before I can even grasp that you are explaining this so clearly and it’s just truly mind blowing. I’m thinking the book will be the same. Im ready to get out the multi colored highlighters. You have given such validation it’s almost overwhelming. This particular vid had me in tears and I do not ever cry. Ever. Ever. Ever. I bought the workbook you recommended too but I’m not jumping back in with a therapist just yet - too terrified to get another one that doesn’t understand. I will though. Right now it’s enough just knowing there’s a reason why I’m like this and it isn’t because deep down I’m worthless dog you know what or was Hitler in my past life and deserve it etc. I can’t tell you what a difference you’re making. I mean clearly for me but I truly think there’s a lot more people just like me out there than any estimate I’ve heard. FSA is an insidious cancer mot always obvious even to the victim of it and the older I get the more I see that.
Thanks for another informative video Rebecca. I’ve read your book and watched every video and still I keep learning something new /feeling an aha moment. Today it was that the scapegoating in the present (even though I’ve gone no contact a few months ago) could still be triggering me. Just knowing the way my family of origin see me makes it Really hard to believe the good and love that’s now in my life when I fall into that dark hole you speak of. There’s so much out there about narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma but not enough about the family system perspective. I always find it a relief to hear your professional calm voice do a zoom out and look at everything from a big picture view. Especially regarding the betrayal/denial from my siblings and mother. Its helping me start to believe I’m not fundamentally bad - at least when I’m not triggered. Thank you 🙏
Hi Eleanor, I consider this the very early stages of recovery, when contact has ended only a few months earlier. Emotional activation and triggering can be at play for quite awhile when it comes to complex trauma symptoms and brain repair (calming down the amygdala, etc) - it's one of the reasons I use Janina Fisher's workbook in my practice, which also addresses Structural Dissociation, along with triggering due to complex trauma related to one's past.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that’s good to know - that it’s not like I should be all fine now I’ve gone nc! Makes sense. Will check out the work book, thanks again.
Another excellent video, thank you 🙏 I’m not sure if you’re still adding to your polls for data collection purposes, but I heard the scapegoat narrative in front of other extended family. My father & some siblings found it almost humorous when he would berate me. It was usually done in a way which made it seem almost comical until it got so severe that others felt uncomfortable. As an adult, I see how my dad set the stage for extended family & friends to view me as the villain rather than the victim. Sometimes people would tell me privately they didn’t agree with my father’s false assessment of me, but nobody dared to tell him that. I experienced smear campaigns & slander behind my back as well, but the faulty narrative was said openly too. I appreciate this community & my heart goes out to all of those who have & continue to suffer from FSA ❤
Thanks for adding your story. Indeed, the scapegoating abuse is not always done in secret (this is a commonly repeated myth) but can happen in front of others also at times.
High levels of self-consciousness and embarrasment then ended up red faced around social get togethers a lot. Don't think I have gotten over it as still avoiding any social life like my life depends on it. Was that just a bad case of teenage self-consciousness or something else. Constant life worry that I can't get over something I feel I should be able to.
John, if you were scapegoated, what you describe could relate to toxic shame (different than ordinary shame). I have a chapter about it in my book on family scapegoating abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I can totally relate. It got so bad for me that I was afraid to leave my desk to go to the bathroom because I was anxious about meeting coworkers in the hallway. I ended up with a depression diagnosis and was put on SSRI. Although the med did lessen the severity of my anxiety, toxic shame is right.
Hi Rebecca, I bought your book, told my therapist about it and she bought it too. She is going to work with me thru some chapters. I have finally found a trauma therapist. Your current video is spot on as it relates to my previous and current issues such as, going to many different therapists (albeit I was dealing with the untimely and tragic deaths of my son and husband). But here’s the thing I knew 15 of more years earlier that my family was mistreating me but I couldn’t ascribe a name to it. That’s cause the therapists I was going to had no training in FSA. When I told one guy about the family smearing he mocked it. I have all the signs you point out - fear, isolation, difficulty working at a job, distrust in men is huge! While it may have been my mother who set the stage to treat me with contempt all my life, she got a lot of people on her side especially my brothers. And yes she would talk the false narrative in front of other people I assume to humiliate me. I want to heal from all this before she dies - she is 88. So glad you came along. Best to you, Theresa
Theresa, this is wonderful news (yet I am so very sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your husband and son - such an unimaginable loss no one should suffer). Given I coined the term 'FSA' (Family Scapegoating Abuse') to describe this form of family abuse, most people (including therapists) don't know it unless they've come across my work, but lately I do see articles written by therapists referencing it, so the term is catching on. Once you go through my book, you and your therapist might want to check out Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma', the one I mention in this video. It is my preferred workbook for addressing complex trauma and family dynamics - until I can hopefully get my own out some day! Thanks for updating me on the progress you have made in regard to finding appropriate trauma-informed care.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much - I was going to re-listen to this video to get the name of that workbook. I very much appreciate your personal responses on our comments. I truly feel like I’m being heard. ❤️
Hi, Something else. Whenever I dated a person I always told them I did not want children. I married. Shouldn’t have. He and his mother started pressuring me to have children.
Interesting point, thanks for sharing. I’m the oldest of four children who lived with a highly narcissistic father & enabling mother. I realized I didn’t want children long ago & none of my siblings have reproduced. I wonder if there’s a connection to the abuse we suffered & a desire not to replicate it. The easier path is to continue scapegoating the empathetic, truth teller (me) in the family & live in denial that the abuse is still present, although more subtle. God bless you 🙏
I have never been married (by choice) and have no children (also by choice) and I knew at age 12 I never wanted biological kids due to what was done to me. Now I don't feel so alone. My sibling (older than me) also has no kids. The way society treats me when I tell them I have no kids is utter disgust. THEY shame me for this.
@11:20 or so. I would explode into a tirade over things that would make most people shrug, or say "Oops!" such as a computer program not working after several attempts, or dropping something on the floor. I went to a therapist, at the behest of my work supervisor*, who told me when I explained that I didn't have thoughts before I exploded, told me that I must have had thoughts first an that thoughts always precede feelings. But I have since learned that triggers do not require 'thoughts.' They are automatic. They just ''happen,' leaving me / us to wonder what is causing them. The therapist was well-intentioned, and had me do 'vignette' work - looking at various photos and determining a story about them. All my stories had to do with a mother figure dying. But I don't recall the therapist addressing what to me would seem like a lot of suppressed rage against my own mother. I bought the book and have started reading. I'm SO thankful! that there are finally books, videos, websites, etc. addressing this exact issue. When everyone around you is telling you that you have some sort of 'problem', then steer you towards exploitative relationships, platonic and otherwise, who ALSO make you feel like the problem is you, a person starts to believe that there really is something 'wrong' / defective with me. Which, IMO sets a person up for all sorts of potential mental illnesses. *I realized some years later, that my work supervisor talked down to me in a sing-song "Oh you poor, poor stupid thing, you," manner that reminded me of how my mother spoke to me.
It's weird it's like I want I know that they want me to like come grovel to them and it's like for what for more abuse for more of the same why would I want to do that?
Yes you think that's the way for the narcissistic family to get supply to like right in front of the scapegoat be like oh she's such a problem but we put up with her you know
I got the smear campaign which was a huge lie right in front of my face. She (“mother “) lied to everyone she could. I was already suffering with PTSD from an assault among other things and in shock so I just sat there numb and speechless while she told her horrible lies. She had paranoia too. I hope Rebecca talks about narcissistic paranoia sometime.
This was very helpful as the things mentioned were so familiar. Thank you again for validating my experiences. I am eagerly looking forward to the next video! 💜
How do I deal with constantly feeling activated? I mostly have peace sitting at home and I’m finding that I wish to be a home body and a recluse. I want to also feel good when I have to go to work and be out and about.
You might find this video helpful. Ultimately, a lot of work needs to be done with the Vagus Nerve and the entire nervous system, in my experience both personally and with clients. ruclips.net/video/HiNp6eQgX74/видео.html
Absolutely! I discuss this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, and my video 'Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse' (on my Scapegoat Recovery with Rebecca C. Mandeville playlist). Although I will say, if the scapegoating / family abuse began at a very early age, the neural pathways may not fully recover, but the good news is that new neural pathway connections can be made, allowing one to eventually override their conditioning and previous trauma responses. I speak not only from professional experience as a therapist and trauma recovery coach, but from personal experience - and my scapegoating began at a VERY early age. It takes time, and ideally, working with a trauma-informed Mental Health professional who knows what they are doing and understands family systems and being in the family 'Identified Patient' role.
As soon as financially feasible, I will set up a single session with you. I am a veteran, single woman living with two loving cats LOL I am so excited to learn more and to work with you at some point this year. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences Love Teresa PS I ordered the workbook on Amazon to prepare
Hi Teresa, I look forward to it. Just FYI: My book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, is not a workbook, per se, but an introductory book on what I named (via my research) ‘family scapegoating abuse’ (FSA). I hope you find it helpful.
How does this relate to a family that adopted one child from a sister and a second child through an adoption center? I was the child adopted from my mother's sister. We were both told we were adopted but I was not told my aunt was my birth mother. So, perceived as a golden child, but always treated as the different child.
Yes, this is not as uncommon as some might think. It is a myth that the smearing or scapegoating behaviors only happen behind the child or adult child's back, and I have the research to back this statement up.
My brothers teased me so much and tood me that i was kidnapped by the gypsies, that i eventually believed it. Now, thankfully, aftee seeing these videos i realize where thise frightening beliegs came from. They also beat me up and my parents did nothing about it usually.
Sibling bullying is often overlooked when attempting to trace the roots of trauma. It can be traumatizing and qualifies as abuse and needs to be treated as such.
I am researching but need your clinical acumen. Learned chronic (daily) migraines linked to child trauma. Found 1 preventative helps but doc quit it re very low heart rate, but is ow my whole life. I know that's linked to freeze response/stress/anxiety. Could trauma cause life long bradycardia. I'd like to take the (betablocker) but no one listening. Also, have you found a link for cptsd and status migraines? Just had another. I hope you're well, we miss and need you ♥️
Not a doctor but had bradycardia and it was due to my thyroid dying. Thyroid controls heart and lungs. Until thyroid was removed my heart couldn’t beat fast enough because it wasn’t getting the hormone instructions to do so. Get your thyroid checked. It causes all sorts of awful symptoms including depression. It did for me.
John Bradshaw’s ❤🙏works continues ⛄️Priceless. I had Bradshaw videos tapes in Australia 🇦🇺… they were like gold … our ACOA - wore out those tapes …. My innerchild is relieved he can continue being a brat 25 plus year “chasing the dragon “ of little Shel’s expression or being heard …. 🎉….
Bradshaw's work had a profound effect upon me when I first came across it when I was quite young. His PBS series, especially. It is likely what inspired me to specialize in Family Systems decades later. Thanks for your comment.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Someone has them uploaded on RUclips. John Bradshaw on The Family Part 1 full ruclips.net/video/Ey5aqdkWfno/видео.htmlsi=BK0K0I2APtZwzkJc John Bradshaw The Family Part 2-10 ruclips.net/p/PL4wA21d2cgvEoCnGkVBFG-RrQA-qGxaD-&si=LQtZu_GJtVmQEJME
i was wondering how frequently you have seen adhd in your clients or research and if you felt that would be a reason to be targeted for fsa. i read your book about 2 years ago (i can’t thank you enough!) and have been rereading parts about toxic shame. i was thinking about how maybe toxic shame on top of rejection sensitive dysphoria can cause a never-ending loop of rumination? i am finding those pieces the hardest in recovery and would love to know your thoughts.
YES! I have a lot to say about this, and an ADHD-type child (whether diagnosed or undiagnosed) can indeed become a target for family scapegoating abuse. Video and also article to come! Recovery can be tricky as ADHD and complex trauma affect the same area of the brain, but it can be done. In my practice, I co-treat such clients with a colleague who is an ADHD-coach who also is certified in trauma-informed care and C-PTSD treatment.
I have a question since I have been diagnosed with genetic generalized epilepsy in 2020 and am tired of being the scapegoat and have no support system, my parents did take their lives in the 90s and I'm the youngest sibling but I'm the half blood because we have different mothers but the same father and I got put into foster care until I was emancipated at 15 to become my own adult since I was working and already had my own apartment and 2 jobs, I was kicked out of my foster home when info came around that my father was adopted and I had no idea and I have been on my journey to find my family and now I have my half sister back in my life, things are impossible for her to see what she does to others, nor does she know my past she was with her mother after our father died in 1993 while she is 6 years older than me and must always destroy every visit I attend and I leave brokenhearted, I'm not the person who has done anything but be left behind as my siblings were 10 and 6 years older with a different mom, and my passed away when I was 11 I was in and out of the foster system since 3 months old and, she's still mad at me for just being alive after her parents split and it was her mother that was the narc and now she has learned from her mother, I get belittled, hurt, made fun of, and called everything under the sun, I can reason with someone who won't open their ears but only their mouth with no control or thought just straight attack mode and I'm 37 now I'm too old to be hurt at each visit, I moved over 4000klm across Canada moving east to west to have what I thought would be a family or even a sibling anything since I was left behind, and she acts like it's my fault for everything that happens to her even though we didn't grow up together she only came up a few summers as a child and she has always been mean all my life and this will never change, how do I get someone to hear me without talking over me and yelling isn't my style, I leave Christmas eve in tears every year knowing I don't deserve this abuse and hurt I have had enough of my own that no one know what I have gone through, why scapegoat the only survivor left which I am, I have done everything I can to please and forgive but the same pattern repeating itself, I tried no contact than I get guilted about it, even though I explained why I can't have extra stress all the time I have tc seizures that are triggered by stress, for Christmas I got screamed at by my sister because I'm doing DNA testing because I have no family history and need it for health reasons, I started in 2015 on my dads 25 death anniversary and I got him a headstone just last year and non of my siblings cared, I'm the only responsible one who won't manipulate others for my own gain, and I'm the youngest with the most trauma and now I'm chronological ill and where are they no where thats right because if it's not about them the world won't rotate anymore, I'm tired of being hurt into my adult years, it's not my fault I'm alive it wasn't my choice so stop hurting me and wake up, I'm there for all, and not a soul for me is there, and never has been, when my mother passed away not a person wanted me, and 27 foster homes ruined me, I thought if I was closer to my siblings we would connect, nope I'm just here to exist to be torn down, she says things like you shouldn't be sad I hurt you, it's not personal, but if you mad at me for just being alive it's not my fault, I did all I can do, now I'm tired and this is not what family is, and it's painful over and over again. How do we talk to the person who hurts us, when the world relvoves around them and doesn't care to listen only hurt me more, this isn't healthy it's hard, all I was wishing for was a sister not a sinister, hateful, jealous of nothing and all, I'm just her punching bag and I'm done, I'm tired of feeling like I'm an issue, I'm not I'm here and I came far, dropped my life for what more abuse, I had enough growing up with addicts and being abused mentally and physically, but emotionally will it ever end. I have tried boundaries that did nothing, now I'm the bad person who doesn't want to be apart of being torn apart and for what and why just because I made it out alive and didn't die too, hurts to my core. It's hard enough just being sick and being becoming an orphan at age 11 and not a soul wanted me, and still doesn't hurts so much, so no contact was better, I need to stop people pleasing and just say no thanks I'm not able to come be the Christmas piñata ever again. I'm so glad our sons didn't come with us because it was a sad ride home 2 hours drive to get picked on, and hurt. Nope no more, I'm growing a spine and saying no more, thank you for your kindness and insight into this topic, you have helped me so much in just a few videos thank you.
You're very welcome. Thank you for sharing a bit of your FSA experiences with us here. If you are relating strongly to the content of my videos, you may also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many have found it helpful.
I feel your pain. They just want you as an emotional dumpster. Just to use to abuse. It's a no-win situation so in the end you have to choose yourself to survive.
I'm sorry to say my trauma-informed content sometimes has that effect on people. Physical symptoms often represent implicit memory - meaning, the body is remembering something, even if the mind consciously is not.
Oh yeah. My mom's dear friend- like a sister to her, tells me at a wedding rehearsal: im turning my 5 month old son into a pussy like his father because i refused to feed my son ice cold formula. No one in my family said a word of defense.
@@loveoneanother881 you have to be your own advocate around toxic family. I don't speak to the people, who are remaining in my immediate family. I don't forgive or forget .
I would tell them "I make it a policy to never take advice from people I would never go to for advice,lol. Then quickly change the subject.I sometimes get so shocked at what someone says to me, I'm speechless, but now & again I come out with a good brainslap. Sometimes we need to speak up for ourselves. The person feels it's OK to give unsolicited advice to you in public then they shouldn't mind your reply in front of others...
Oh yes, especially if a toxic grandparent or spouse or sibling, or anyone with bonds within the intergenerational family system alienated the child or adult child against that parent.
My malignant NPD mother clearly demonstrated she was her own family's scapegoat when her elderly father came to live with us. She suddenly turned into his victim again. He had r*ped her throughout childhood, and murdered her kittens in front of her. She inexplicably took him in, and allowed him to rule the tiny house. She was a single mother with just me left at home, her scapegoat. I watched her turn into a submissive child, serving this monster hand and foot. She even gave him her bedroom, and slept on the couch. Despite her two sisters having far more room in their houses, and being financially better off. Mom was also thoroughly blamed by my Dad as the sole cause of their divorce, despite him beating her and us, and moving his teenage mistress into our family home. I see that as scapegoating. The only power she had was controlling and punishing me as the family scapegoat. And my God, is she crazy. Her care home staff blame her dementia, and don't believe me when I tell them she's always been this way.
@bl7817 I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing, it resonates with some of my story and it helps. I just realised how a scapegoated parent can become a narcissist and scapegoat a child (me) by needing a way out for all of that energy which was “kept captive” while their where abused.
I'm sorry for you, too. Re: your idea about energy. I wonder if the same abuse to a different sort of personality, causes dissociative identity disorder? By that, I mean would a different child in my Mom's place have developed DID rather than NPD? @@ilusagraun
😂 senrio I am in my 50's my mother well past her 80's. Me I think I will get another dog ( my old dog died of old age had her for 15 years). My mother No you can't get a dog because she won't be able to look after it when I decide that I can't? Never not once has she ever looked after taken care of or rehomed any pet of mine. Yet has had both the siblings pets and raised them as her own. Still has an older siblings cat as the sibling got into a relationship with someone who doesn't like cats. 😂 But me I am the irresponsible one? 😔. A small example. I don't live with her and once had to move back home after a divorce needless to say we ( me and my children)ended up homeless as she told me not to marry that man and my dad kept treating me like a child even though I was 31 year's old and decided to abuse my children as my parenting wasn't up to standards and it was his house his rules. So we went to a women's homeless shelter so I could get back on my feet. Then I found out they where paranoid and where trying to find out who I told and what I said and to who 😂 🤣 😜 I don't speak to anyone 😤 period.
Thank you so much for sharing your work, it is great to finally have it recognised, but can you please not wear those glasses as they are very hard to watch.
1) Join my new FSA Education online community for adult survivors on SUBSTACK at familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/. Subscribe for free to receive my FSA-related articles or become a paid subscriber to access Community features where you can engage with other FSA adult survivors via Group Chats and Discussion Threads.
2) Purchase my introductory book on Family Scapegoating Abuse (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) via this Universal Buy Link, which includes links to Amazon: books2read.com/intro2fsa.
The title of your book sounds like the voice in my head most of my life.
@@brianh1969 I believe that is also how I came up with it...(!)
Question: Do scapegoated people have BPD or just CPTSD?
Another thing I've noticed about a narcissistic parent towards the scapegoat is it's very similar to Munchausen
Tara, I actually co-authored an article where I mention this exact thing, I'll do a video on this as well.
I never thought of that but you’re right. It does happen. My father started scapegoating me from the time I was very young. When I was a young adult I ended up in mental hospitals. In private he was extremely mentally and emotionally abusive but he would come to visit me in the hospitals often. His personality changed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde (or was it the other way around I forgot but you probably get what I mean). He was the savior who came to help his daughter bringing her things to eat and so on. I never realized what he was doing until the other day. They wear that false mask sometimes.🙄
I've noticed this as well. My primary scapegoater thrives on letting others know about a family illness.
Yeah that's true they want to give you the sickness and then also give you the medicine to look like a hero
My mom wouldn't admit I had Crohn's disease (which is NUTS, I had a bloody, inflamed colon, 3 years of Colonoscopies, genetic tests and several doctors confirming the diagnosis), she would tell everyone I was lying for attention and it was in my head. Then she started dating a doctor who looked at my scans and said "yes, this is very severe Crohn's disease," and suddenly, I had Crohn's disease! Then it was "oh my poor baby, are you okay? Do you need me to get you anything? Of course I'm always here for you." But only when people were around. She still does it, but it's so fake and sickly sweet that it makes my stomach turn. These people are seriously crazy-making.
Edit: my mom is and was a nurse at the time, for at least a decade and a half at that point. She knew what Crohn's disease was, she just viewed ME as a hypochondriac that apparently couldn't get sick. Just for clarity's sake.
The term hypoarousal finally explains why I crawl into bed by 7:30pm most nights. Sleep escape is the best part of my day.
Yes, being in bed can often feel like the safest place to be...
I did that too for over a decade, I went to bed at a stupidly early time. I'm now coming back to normal rhythm but still
wake up insanely early, so I have formed an amazing morning routine I cannot wait to do every day.
@@Karal-lg3nx Thank you.
I'm the opposite, I'm awake till 2,3am I have to foce myself to turn off my light & try to go to sleep. These people keep me awake at night, I've had insomnia since a child. Sleep is a relief tho... Every day's a new day & it's just a matter of avoiding narcs along the way. Some you can't avoid,coworkers,clients,etc but we can avoid most family narcs if we enforce our boundaries.
Me to i am so tyerd ,i left my familie 2 days ago , i am grandmother it was so horrebel and lonley .i was so afraid from the silentreatmand ,they offended bullied me .the narcessistic familie members who are also alcoholic abused me fysicel to in front of my grandson. I wich everyone a lot of power and love ❤
I believe being disrespected can be contagious to other potentially toxic people when they see you mistreated, then the dogpiling happens. Can be strangers or those closer.
As illustrated in the classic novel, 'The Lord of the Flies'. Let's just say the character nicknamed 'Piggy' had a tragic end.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse yes 😮💨
Absolutely! I call it mobbing and I’ve been through that hell.
Totally agree and a big part of my own internal response to being scapegoated is knowing the witnesses may pile on too
It's baffling that the abuser's audience will believe the abuser but doubt the victim, and sometimes they even join in the abuse.
Baffling indeed, but neatly captured in the infamous novel, 'Lord of the Flies'. This primitive aspect of the human psyche when it is undeveloped and 'split' and (unconsciously) ruled by fear and a need to feel empowered in the systems it finds itself in. Such as the narcissist's psyche.
I agree. It's really strange. And the bizarre looks from people the parent has talked to towards the scapegoat. How they join in. You would think they would say, " so your daughter hasn't talked to you in 20 years, what could she have possibly done as a child that would make you feel the need to still be badmouthing her all these years later?"
“That the world seems like an unsafe dangerous place”. 😢 this hits home. Makes it hard to leave toxic workplaces or relationships when lived experience is that everyone is unsafe
Precisely.
I KNEW my pain was caused by the life I was forced to endure but could never find a way to untangle the knots...I finally found the courage to cut it all off 30 years ago...thinking the new start was going to solve all the problems...
REALIZING the deprivations would still leave me WAY behind in life..AT LEAST I could get a clean start as an "orphan" at 40...
LOL
I was NOT prepared for the "punishment" I had in store for having the GALL to free myself...
AND....the societal shaming for self orphaning...DEAR GOD....I finally realized this is a lifelong recovery process...almost like a physical chronic illness...
In my book, I also use a 'knot' analogy: The Gordian Knot. These insidious FSA dynamics cannot be unraveled. One must "slice through" to free themselves if they are to create space to heal. Something you clearly had the courage to do.
You are not alone. 🧡 I took so long, I would need to move far away to have a chance.
I cycled between hyperarousal and hypoarousal every day for the past over 20 years. This was incorrectly diagnosed as rapidly cycling bipolar disorder type II, 10 years after my symptoms first appeared. About 5 years back a therapist diagnosed me with cyclothymia and PTSD. My most recent diagnosis is complex PTSD. But family scapegoating abuse is the best way to describe my childhood, followed by multiple betrayal traumas during my adult life, including from my in-laws family, scientific community in India. I love your statement when you say In order to heal, we must know what we are healing from.
So glad to hear you finally received an appropriate diagnosis that acknowledges complex trauma. I mention in my introductory book on FSA (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed) how common it is for adult survivors to be diagnosed with BPD, etc, when they actually suffer from complex trauma symptoms due to FSA. I did a clinical series on FSA for survivors and clinicians here on my channel - Not sure you've seen it yet but I address C-PTSD in more detail. Here's the link to the videos: ruclips.net/p/PLXSLEoZOeKOEoeIx75TNU59TjSc2YHo7W&si=o4gIuxRku3eOqQRL
I have read every book, listened to every podcast, done therapy, YOUR content is absolutely SPOT ON! Especially the part about being successful outside of the family yet STILL sick, mentally I’ll, crazy, immature, stupid, lier etc… My extremely damaged mother is at the helm. Armed with lies, pity and money.
Thank you, Mindy. I do hope my work will feel validating to FSA adult survivors - and also, that my new clinical series will be helpful to therapists and clinicians. I'll be discussing Structural Dissociation in tomorrow's video. Also, you may wish to read my book on what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA), 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@mindykirklin4714 - I know exactly what you mean. No matter what you do it will be poopooed.
Mine idolise money and status, and not much else. But not from me.
I’ve been scapegoat since birth. I’m sacrificed at the altar of convenience for whatever person or situation. I don’t flatter myself that covert narc mum and narc sisters think about me unless I’m in their way, or they want to leverage me for some reason. Fortunately I ran away at young age and learned who I was. I’m still scapegoat for entire family but it’s never affected my confidence or self esteem. I’m no contact now after finally realizing mum was ringleader as covert narc. I often pity them because their lives are very small and limited. My anger and desire for retribution is strong , but there’s no value in that. I actually pity them because they have to wake up every day being themselves, living their lives. They crush all joy they see.
Sounds like you caught on early to the dynamics that were going on in your family and you had a strong enough sense of self to not get swept under and into the flotsam. Linking you to a video on scapegoat injustice, in case you'd like to take a look: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you for this I will!
OMG, 63YRS , hate and self loathing, this has so explained my entire world
I will be getting your books and work to recover
Was disowned by family, chose no contact with others 20yrs ago, was still struggling
Have moved so far ahead with the knowlede, you have compassionately and from ❤, I can so relate it all since 6yrs old
Thank you
You're welcome, Elaine. I'm glad you're here. Not sure if your RUclips handle reflects your 'real' last name but I am a descendant of Potter people from back East, they settled there very early in NH and MA. Linking you to a list of resources I put together for FSA adult survivors as well - glad you will be getting my book! www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
No from the UK ,1975, at 13. Half Scottish half British
Abandoned then, disowned at 23, by the Scottish side for pregnancy , only my dad for 16yrs till I had to walk away from him
Definitely gen erational dynamic of dysfunctional people, both sides, mum my abuser , right till she died
Didn't grieve then 22yrs ago, had no relationship with her from 17, don't have any regrets about it
These weak families needing a strong scapegoat are so unconscious. It disgusts me that they choose an innocent child to torture instead of looking within. To not even get curious about why one is the way they are is beyond me. What else are we here for?
Indeed, the unconscious can be our best friend, or our worst enemy.
This is what I've been saying for years. My biggest question no one could ever answer was WHY?
Now I know but it was torture growing up so strong, active, talented, social, smart, only to be treated
like absolute dirt by the people who brought us into this world. It's maddening, just maddening!
@steffiekensley8743 yes, I am grappling with making a decision to stop all family ties with those people. The difficult part is - I have 2 grandchildren that will be cut off my life until they get of age to make their own choices. The only way I get to see them is pitiful and I get bullied by their mother - my daughter
@@jocelyntotz1155 How hard! A lot of this healing is about emotional energy. We are forced to face the question, How can I be happy if: I can't see my grandkids, I have no family, I'm alone? Yet, I've found after grieving the loss of what we never had, happiness becomes less elusive. The question then becomes: How can I be happy if: my family member bullies me, I get repeatedly disrespected, made the butt of every joke, pathologically belittled and blamed? Once all of that is cut out of our lives, there's a peace that replaces the worry. Then, our emotional energy changes. It's no longer inextricably linked to what happened to us but more connected to what we make happen. I pray that truth is revealed for all parties involved and cannot be unseen. Perhaps, one day, these casualties of war - including the children in our families - will see with their own adult eyes what the truth was all along. The better we feel and the more empowered we become, the more likely I believe they can see through the malignant conditioning of the perpetrator playing victim because they'll start looking for a consistent emotional safe space, just like we did. 🙏✝️❤
Another thing that you were very spot on about was how they will like ignore the scapegoat suffering like they're pretending or something like the scapegoat can break a leg and then the doctor will say yeah the leg is broken and the family will be like no no it's okay
Yes, that's from my 'You're Faking It' video. I have first-hand experience with this and from the FSA research I did, I'd say this is a common aspect of FSA. Much too common, in fact.
That happened with my badly and permanently damaged eye and face. It was sooo obvious and one doctor told my mother that it was severely damaged. The family was like “No. It never happened “.
@@christar9527 I remember your earlier comment on that in my 'You're Faking It' video. It is so important that Mental Health professionals and Medical doctors realize these things really happen. I know this one first-hand, btw.
My father was my grandmother's emotional punching bag and her scapegoat until he died. Once he died she turned it on 7-year-old me. I've recently stopped talking to her. My brother told her why I won't speak to her and she called me a liar to his face. He told her no he saw it himself. My grandmother still is trying to contact me and it's been almost a year. I've heard no word of apology and I know she'll tell me I misunderstood. I didn't misunderstand when my grandmother called me weekly to tell me my mother her DIL is a cheating wh*re. My mother was cheated on by my late father but my grandmother has been trying to ruin my mother's character with me for years because she doesn't like me relying on my mother. I'm done with 20 years of her abuse while also trying to sabotage all my family relationships and friendships. I truly don't understand people like my grandmother. I blame the rest of my family for allowing her to abuse me and not stick up for child me. People knew it was happening and no one but my mother did anything. All because it made their lives easier. I don't understand any of them
Hi Alanna, this scenario is right out of my videos, articles, and book. Scapegoating is typically driven by a projective identification process and this can happen in both a highly traumatized dysfunctional family and in a family where a narcissist-type wields great power in the family system due to their aggressive behaviors, family influence, money, etc. And so children get abused and nobody intervenes. It is shameful and I hope that my work (and that of others in the clinical field) helps to wake up the various systems (family; law; education, etc) that need to understand that scapegoating is a hideous form of psycho-emotional abuse.
I also struggled immensely with the knowledge that my family KNEW how bad it was and INTENTIONALLY did nothing because they were just glad the anger was pointed at anyone but them. I can't seem to accept it. Especially with all the denials and gaslighting. I just can't understand how someone could throw a child's life away with no remorse or guilt or anything. I've never done anything like that myself. Even as a kid I ALWAYS stood up to bullies and never picked on anyone. If I could do that as a kid... why the hell did full grown adults allow a child to be brutalized? I truly cannot stomach it or understand it. Especially because all of society says the same thing "blood is thicker than water" and "family will always be there for you" and if you try to say differently they come down HARD on you. Like you're evil because you say that families can be abusive and dangerous. But that's CLEARLY supported in data. Most people's abusers are FAMILY. So... I just can't understand the vicious denials of reality. And how easy it was to throw me away.
@@hobocode
The myth that "blood is thicker than water" is deeply engrained in our society.
Cognitive dissonance is when people are in total denial, bc it affects their view of the world. Like when a woman whose husband is playing around and she will not believe it, even tho everyone else can see it. Or the child tells the mother that someone is touching her inappropriately & she calls the child a liar, It's a deeply ingrained belief that they will always defend, even if they see proof with their own eyes.They will always justify the proof. They do not want to be wrong, no matter what. 😢
Thank you for explaining. My MD told me I had PTSD at the time I was going through the worst scapegoating of my adult life (while I was ill no less). But when I saw therapists and even a psychiatrist that dx was never entertained - I was given GAD and major depression. Your comments toward the end of the video hit home - now I understand when and why I go into a dark hole. It’s because I’ve been having long distance contact with my elderly mother. Unfortunately any contact with her is indirect contact with my narc brother who despises me. My mom I believe passed on her generational trauma to me. So sad, so much wasted time. Thank you for this video.
You're welcome, Twillie, glad you are still plowing through my videos!
My adopted family had a little problem. My parents had adopted a mentally challenged son as an infant. I was adopted as an infant 2 years later. Looking back it all makes sense now why I was scapegoated and always seem to always become the low man in the totem pole. My brother budded into a schizophrenic child with bpd no other family member would accept. I am in the process of detatching emotionally from this adult who i was primed to eventually take care of. This plan has almost destroyed my life. And the stigma has always followed me. I have cptsd and i know it was clearly a direct result of this irresponsible familys' treatment of me. My whole life. His mother lived in denial that he could function as a competent member of soceity. It wasn't sad. It was wrong to put me in that impossibly confusing situation growing up. And for her family to collude with this arrangement. MMM. I see those people all as trash now. I missed out on a good life due to this neglect and irresponsible decision. Watch who you have pity for. It might just be a trap that You will have consequences for years to come after they're long gone. They'll leave you holding the bag of their burdens. My advice to anyone who been the black sheep, scapegoat, remember it was your parents' responsibility to protect you. Not yours to protect them and their feelings. Life is not a fantasy. But for a dillusional child of a pair of alcoholics they dont live with consequences. They put them onto everyone else they can fool. Yes. You get what you get. But we dont have to be slaughtered emotionally by a pack of liars. These videos are Gold. And Its only up from here on out. .
I was adopted into this dynamic as well with an adopted sibling who had learning challenges. I was the first and only female child and immediately and to this day, 16 years since the loss of my sibling, was and will always be the scapegoat. I've seen a few comments now from adoptees in these situations and I think the double hit of the trauma of relinquishment and this kind of abuse needs to be more openly talked about.
@@mellimel9300 Most definitely. My human rights were not taken seriously in this family, as a child. And I am so thankful that people are finally coming out and talking about this hidden form of abuse. It's wild. My story is just beyond belief when I dare to look at the consequences of an irresponsible decision to keep this abusive relationship going. And it takes a very courageous person to look at it. I am a firm believer that the rights of the mentally and emotionally healthy citizens in this country are being violated by this reckless placement of the mentally challenged into the mainstream of society. My life is a testament to this. And that the proof is in the pudding, as in my case that this child did nothing but damage to this family. And you know, sometimes life is just unfair. It was unfair for me to have to put up with His emotional abuse. Some of these situations need a caretaker who is very knowledgeable about these serious conditions.
@@kaystephens2672your story is almost as bad as mine. I’ve been adopted under x from a mother who was heavily abused going to a heavily abusive narc adoptive mother plus a 3 year older psychopath brother who’s also been adopted but 3 years before me.
I am the scapegoat I have been attacked all my life physically as psychologically and I am severely disabled and sick from all of it.
My life is and has been a trauma even before I was born.
The agency who gave me for adoption didn’t care when I was a child nor did anyone else of professionals who I tried to seek for help.
I have been living in the same place all my life only to find out that my narc adoptive mother put a will up that my psychopathic adoptive brother will inherit EVERYTHING meaning leaving me homeless.
I only found out by accident but it’s another knife in my heart.
@@kaystephens2672I wish there was more help for people like us
And this is the first time I read someone having a kinda similar experience
Wow.. your first paragraph is identical to my beginning . . . ♡
One of my mother's favorite stories to retell at family gatherings was when I was 5-6 and this girl used to come over and play and I'd always wind up crying and my mother told people that it was because this girl could outdo me at everything. Drawing, roller skating, running, etc. I remember that period but I cried because she wasn't a very nice girl. I just preferred choosing my own friends.
A fine (yet sad and angering?) example of the false 'scapegoat narrative' that is shoved into children's tender psyches from the earliest of ages - when the neural pathways are forming and connecting. This is why FSA can be so deeply wounding and difficult to address and recover from.
Wow. Sounds like your mother may have deliberately brought this girl over to antagonize you/create a sort of triangle where you looked "bad" in comparison. It's sad that there are parents out there (including mine) who get off by causing/watching their children suffer.
💡 I think I understand now why, decades ago, my brilliant, supportive therapist declined ever giving me a diagnosis, why so many, OTHER than my family, thought I was sane and healthy despite them! 👀😮🙏
A light bulb moment, indeed.
YUP⚡👍! Boy, & all this time I thought I was too messed up for Therapists
Omg, you described my life. No help from therapy, they we’re clueless
The information has not been out there, but slowly I am seeing more therapists write articles about what I call 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA), although they are not using the FSA term. Just saw one today in Psychology Today that mirrored many of my articles and concepts in my book, in fact. So hopefully FSA adult survivors will have their trauma recognized and appropriate treatment offered. Of course, the DSM in the U.S. still does not include C-PTSD!
My main issue in getting assistance in therapy has been the 'accusatory finger-pointing at me' for being 'sick, deficient, imperfect, damaged-goods, bad, wrong, deserving of contempt, irreparable, labeled with diagnoses that prove that I am all of those 'bad' things, messed up, worthless, unworthy, etc.
That is an understandable fear. You might want to check out a more transpersonally-oriented therapist, one who is licensed, but who can be creative in regard to meeting the needs of any insurance companies who require a diagnoses while refraining from putting you in a box - with a limiting label stamped upon it. 'Adjustment Disorder', for example, is an insurance reimbursable diagnosis. And most everyone has trouble adjusting to what life presents to them at times.
I was given the role of scapegoat at age 3 and one half
Indeed, it can begin very young - Even In Utero, if a baby is unwanted.
I have pratically nobody left in my life for support . Scapegoated for past 24 years by covert malignant narc mother . 3 siblings all wrapped around her finger . Sister and older brother are narcs and younger brother deep seated issues w my mother that he has zero clue of . But the way he treats woman is disgusting. The way he talked to me was disgusting yet I'M THE ONE WHO NEEDS THE "PRAYERS" . His wife is a narc so he is definitely getting his karma . And everyone ive ever tried to turn to for help ended up betraying me and being reeled in by narc mother . Nobody believes she is abusive bc she Plays the PERFECT MOTHER /friend /mother in law so damn well . The smear campaigns by narc mother and sister have been endless . How does 1 feel safe with not 1 person who believes they are being abused ? The neighbors all love my narc mother . Its incideous!!
FSA is an extremely insidious and subtle form of abuse in many cases. Many people here will relate to your experiences. Safety will typically need to be created and experienced outside of the systems that support and promote what I call the 'scapegoat narrative' that you may be saddled with. I hope you find my videos here helpful. You may also want to read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed to learn more about FSA - something I researched on (and have treated) for years.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusehi Rebecca! I found you this summer and your scapegoat videos validated my life and you gave me a name for the ABUSE!!! I bought your book as well! Your articles are fantastic. Your work is fantastic and your CRY FOR HELP video really hit home. Thank you so much for helping us to heal and find our way ❤️
I appreciate you letting me know - and YES - it certainly needed (and deserves) to have a name. 'Narcissistic abuse' just doesn't serve to capture the specific features of this form of systemic/social abuse - and I am very pleased to see the term I created (FSA) is catching on.
I totally relate to you same here , Always felt must be me, I'm the one alone. My only daughter blocked me out for 10 years, lives by my sister. She said I have a big heart but I play victim role. Im the only one in family who has had major counseling looking for help. I'll pray for you, it's so hard to not have support in life.
@Iv5584 - You are speaking my language. Reading your comment was like reading about my life (minus all the siblings, I only have one). It's like they ALL have the same book they follow to act the way they do.
My dad used to tell me that I’m the reason for his anger. His anger was my fault and so he’s not responsible. I believed this my entire life until I sought help.
Indeed, children will tend to believe what the big people who feed, clothe, and shelter them say. Glad you reached out for help as an adult.
I love the story of the monk in the boat.
Ugh! Felt the kick in my gut when I read this....
10:10 this is me, i constantly feel that the world is an unsafe place.
I hope you found this video helpful. Creating a sense of inner/outer safety is so very critical to FSA recovery.
@maryjanerx - Same here, until I went No Contact. Now I rely on me and no one else. Why bother with
other people, they WILL betray us.
That's the problem with this. It is almost impossible to trust other people.@@bumblebee_ms
ABSOLUTELY! shame & blame works best with an audience.
So true. This is why when it comes to FSA, it definitely can be something that is not hidden and happens in public. Meaning, with scapegoating, it is often the case that the scapegoating family member does not change their behavior when others are around.
You should have been at the holiday gatherings and family reunions. The narcs tell story after story of what they "deal" with.
In my own way, I think I was...(!)
How many clients have you run across that ended up marrying a borderline personality only to be scapegoated by them as well and falsely accused of things and then sent to anger management or substance abuse intervention as if this was the problem when this wasn't the truth at all? My guess is alot.
A simple accusation from this type of person can destroy your reputation and is very difficult to recover from as it automatically puts up life long barriers to your future success. Righteous anger does not require treatment unless of course you act on it. I think it would help enormously if the Justice system took these conditions you're discussing into account.
The World is absolutely an unsafe and dangerous place and I have no doubt about that.
Yet another very good video. Thank you.
I found your channel this morning and you are a breath of fresh air!!. Cant wait to read your book.
Thank you - glad you're here and I do hope you find my introductory guide on FSA helpful!
Looking forward to the video about structural dissociation
Me too - it is such important information, I know it has helped many of my clients to understand this aspect of abuse and related trauma.
Same here.
I was 7 years old when my mom would scream at me (for having an disagreement) Finally, now everyone get to see what we struggle with, when it comes to you. No one believed us when we told how difficult you are, now they see, Thank god!» She had told me I was a difficult child from when I was born. Even before. I caused her to gain weight during her pregnancy with me, like it was my fault. While with my sister (golden child) she lost weight.
Those words still haunts me. I have no sense of self, self esteem are no existing, been in therapy for many years, been seeing my current therapist for over two years, and with her help, I finally start to see how it all comes together.
Thank you for reaching out. Based on your comment, see if you relate to this video here: ruclips.net/video/jaFO4ABapi0/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks, will check it out.
I'm sorry your mom was a nightmare. Sounds like my mom. An innocent sweet child sure didn't deserve that cruelty and hatred. ❤
I grew up thinking no one liked me. It effected me in elementary school and into high school. I just stayed a loner, but have 3 girlfriends who are STILL my BFFs since 1966. I thank God He gave me these friends, and that He walked with me as far back as I can remember, age 4.
I guess the messages I got from gma, mother, & older sister made me believe that no one else liked me either. This comes up once in a while, as I am an empath and pick up on other people’s energies & feelings. I try to rationalize in my mind that it’s my imagination. Sometimes it works. Lol 😉👍🏼
This core belief of not being "okay" or that you are somehow defective can be instilled at a very early age and can be held deep in the unconscious. Awareness is the first step - recognizing the negative self talk and what I call the false "scapegoat narrative" is also key to healing from this form of invisible abuse (FSA).
You know, I've been sitting here wondering if I'm making up being the scapegoat. It's kind of hard to really tell - I have a lot of memory gaps. But hell if I'm not checking off these boxes one after another 😅
Here's my latest research-based FSA questionnaire - you might want to see what your results are on this: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/family-scapegoating-abuse-fsa-questionnaire/
I know exactly what you mean. There’s a little voice in the back of my head saying I’m over reacting. It’s family, I need to learn to get along with them. Obviously it’s my fault coz everyone thinks I need to change.
You just solved my life!
i'm 34 and chronically ill, whats the best way to address it? i've tried absolutely everything (including going to college for psychology) I had assumed some sort of narcissism not necessarily npd
Whats the best way to get this seen by a professional?
nobody has any idea how absolutely crushing it is when police, mental health and family friends won't even listen, that i need to just watch my behavior (despite sneakily getting hidden audio recordings of abuse)
I'm sick of missing my life and all the milestones others have had.
A good place to start is to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. I discuss possible therapeutic pathways toward the end. In most every case, being treated for complex trauma is necessary. You'll also want to watch all of the videos in my 'for Clinicians, therapists' (etc) playlist that has the titles highlighted in green. Be sure to watch them in order, oldest to newest. I'm currently researching on, and defining, family scapegoat trauma, by the way, similar to what I did with 'family scapegoating abuse' (FSA).
@@narcissistinjurygiver2932and it’s hell, truly.
I'm lost Dr. Mandeville and they're proud of themselves.
Start by checking out my resource list for more information and support: familyscapegoathealing.substack.com/p/resources
These videos are so helpful - thank you! I relate to all of these. Now that I have gone no-contact with my family of origin I am more effectively able to acknowledge my trauma responses and step back from the reactivity that has plagued me throughout my life. Finding a therapist that “gets it” (and isn’t booked) seems like finding a needle in a haystack. I’ve gone through several, definitely relate to the scenario regarding therapists that you describe. If only more of them understood and could treat family scapegoating abuse. What a difference that would have made! These videos and your book have been invaluable. I look forward to the next.
Hi Leila, If you can find someone who practices sensori-motor psychotherapy who understands family systems and family roles (including the scapegoat role) that would be ideal. Some therapists are also happy to read my book if it will better help their client (Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed). I discuss treatment modalities in my book as well.
Thanks Rebecca! The more we understand the type of therapists to search for the less exhausting the search. With my last therapist I felt like I was constantly over explaining my situation which I didn’t at the time really even understand myself. Once I discovered the term “family scapegoat abuse” I was able to search information on the topic and refer her to your (and other’s) work on the topic. Unfortunately she didn’t seem particularly interested. I stopped working with her and paused looking for a new therapist, but I will resume again soon. I also ordered the trauma recovery book you mentioned above. Thank you so much, seriously you’ve been a godsend.
Good to hear, Leila - don't stop looking. You might ask the next therapist about not only reading my book, but working with you on Janina Fisher's workbook, Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma. They will need to be competent in treating complex trauma and ideally certified in some fashion to treat it.
this is me- I am 64. how can I overcome this. I have spent decades trying to find real help to move on. Forgiving my family is not enough. I am scared 24/7, I'm always alone to find safety. I have next to nothing. I have a hard time working or being in relationship.
Although I cannot advise people directly here on RUclips due to my licensing restrictions, I can say that addressing complex trauma may be a critical avenue for someone like you to explore. Whatever you do, don't give up - recovering from FSA is possible. Did you already read my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed?
I feel and live with all of what you said. I’m only a few years younger. We are so late in life getting this information - just compounds our burden
Iam 59 it's similar for myself , we were made to feel fearfull , but this isn't the real us , it's an emotion , your not on your own .
It took me almost 45 years to realize I lived my entire life being terrified by my own parents and lived a reactive life. That is rapidly changing. This channel is a God send. Thank you Dr. Mandeville!
Me too, I’m also scared and alone we need to have in person support groups so we can make true friends.
Please do more videos about when the narcissist/sociopath is a sibling.
Yes, I plan to - thanks for the suggestion.
Do you have clients that share with you that the "treatment" they received was compounding their trauma, gas-lighting them, and subjecting them to further harm, dangers and predatory individuals who have been working in the mental health industry without unpacking or healing?
I am not able to say if the mental health professionals were dangerous and predatory in their character; I CAN say that due to the lack of knowledge about this particular form of family abuse that I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA), clients have felt confused about their treatment, and in some cases, re-traumatized (although at the time they did not realize they were suffering from C-PTSD symptoms). Trauma-informed care and the need for it, along with the reality of various types of family 'invisible' abuse, is just now getting into the mainstream, at least here in the U.S. Complex trauma is still not recognized in the U.S. Diagnostic Statistical Manual, for example, but I am seeing many Continuing Ed Unit courses being offered now to licensed professionals, and I have been approached to do the same on FSA by CEU providers, so hopefully it will get better over time.
I can hardly wait for the next video. I have a feeling this type of dissociation is what I suffer from.
It was a real game-changer for me to learn about Structural Dissociation - both professionally AND personally!
It's very scary, as when you put up strong boundaries they try their very best not to allow you the space to escape the trauma state(for fear of the shame landing on them possibly/the system coming to the surface). Flying monkeys, attacking your character, creating a Narrative to keep people away from you so you can't create a new support system. etc Currently going with minimal contact but taking time to consider the next steps mainly visit to see my brother who was also a scapegoat forced to live at home due to illness
Yes, it is a sticky, ugly mess, these types of family systems. With the situation you describe in your comment, if you were a client, I might say that your scapegoating was driven by narcissistic dynamics more than the Family Projective Identification Process common with traumatized, dysfunctional family systems (including alcoholic family systems). I always need to meet with people to learn more about their particular family system to determine what exactly might be going on, but regardless, the FSA target must always protect themselves from further abuse and psycho-emotional distress.
@Dans white That was also my strategy. So sad, looking back on it. And the sense of deep shame and humiliation that arose when even that didn't work at times.
Rebecca, you are a refreshing and comprehensive addition to the important discourse on the topic of Scapegoat abuse on RUclips, and we thank you. 😊
Thanks so much, Dan. Hope you subscribe - I release videos on Saturday mornings weekly. You may also want to read my book on what I named 'Family Scapegoating Abuse' (FSA) - a result of my research on this particular dysfunctional or narcissistic family dynamic.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thank you, your content is excellent, and I look forward to all new recordings. 👍
Thank you Rebecca, you have helped me so much. I was scapegoated by my family, but also at work a few times and recently by a friend.. is this a common occurrence for some scapegoats? I stood up for myself at work this time and it felt so good. thanks again for your work...
Yes, this can be a common experience. I used to give conferences on how we may find ourselves in our family-of-origin role(s) in the workplace. Both individual and systemic unconscious forces are responsible for this phenomenon, including projection and projective identification processes.
I’m so tired of everyone wanting me on meds & counsellors who cant/wont/don’t get me. Who ask me a question & before I finish answering shut me down & tell me to be present in an abrupt manner. Then decide to cut back our sessions to fortnightly…. I’m not giving them what they need so they manage me out at least this time I’m seeing it after usually people pleasing & pretending the very surface level counselling is working for me.
This is far too common, sadly. Certainly that is not 'trauma-informed care' - hopefully all mental health professionals will one day be better informed as to how important understanding the principles of trauma-informed therapy work, especially when working with those impacted by family abuse. One of the reasons I've started this series for both survivors and clinicians. This Saturday I'll be discussing trauma-informed care in the form of the TIST model developed by Dr Janina Fisher.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thanks so much for your work - I’m getting through your resources & just bought her book as I thought I needed to work alongside counsel to achieve some results @ the moment I am cycling over & over as parents are 75 & 80 & I’m already this beast of a daughter in everyone’s eyes & so to react in any way other than respectfully is going to be exactly what “my bff mom” is counting on to validate her lies & false narrative. I’m thinking if I can look @ the breaches of my privacy & accessing my personal information & eventually fraudulently ending up on my title yet I wasn’t added to the title of their property as a family trust might do will help me to get clear on how easy it was for them to do this & actually show a course of actions & results that are not random as I perceived them to be but in fact a well planned takeover just as her role as 2ic for major pharmaceutical company entailed her to do for most of my life. As if I’m going to embark on private prosecution so I can get clear on the acts & their legality & not blur it with my emotions. Thanks again girlie holding space for us & yay my tribe xxx
I can really relate to every bit of this.
When the scapegoat gets called out by someone in front of others is that part of triangulation or is it just public shaming?
That is a great question - it would depend on the 'players' and the circumstance, but could be one, the other, or both. There are no 'always' or 'nevers' with these types of dysfunctional or narcissistic family systems, despite what you may hear these days.
Thank you Rebecca.
I realize I am in the first stage of recovery. Which is a sad reality, yet I am thankful to even understand that.
I feel stuck and hope seems like a far away friend. I understand that black hole. It's not fun...few understand. I am grateful for your understanding and knowledge and wisdom. I know I have told you that many times before in the comments.
It's true, I am grateful.
I am struggling to see God's purpose in all this. I pray for all of us in this community. I don't know their names but I know their pain.
Wish I had a friend to walk beside me...there's not one. So I have decided to be that kind compassionate understanding friend to myself. So much of today's video I resonate with.
Thank you.
I find these two words; discover and recovery, are like a glove and a hand.
The two go together. What you said is so true: "To recover from something you have to understand what you are trying to recover from."
Thank you for helping us to discover on this circular spiraling path of healing. A 👑 awaits you. Jane
I think this is true for so many FSA adult survivors, Jane, myself included. I couldn't find the information I was searching for years ago so was on my recovery journey seemingly alone. This is one of the reasons I knew I had to get a book out and give this form of family abuse a name. It is also helpful and healing for me to be able to engage with you all here. Keep going - much Light, Freedom, and Joy await!
Thanks Rebecca.
This community is a big help.
The naming of the abuse is priceless. So much power in the naming. And your book reflects all your lonely seasons in life as you searched and researched.
Seriously a crown awaits you.
I will hang onto your encouraging words. I appreciate your individual comments to each of us. I learn as I read each one.
Such a gracious community has formed here. Thank you Jane
❤️ "I am struggling to see God's purpose in all this."
Yes....at age 66, I don't believe this comes from God, but the Evil One. Maybe we are the ones Yeshua is talking about when he said he came not to bring peace, but a sword. A sword between a mother and her daughter, etc. So we could cut those unhealthy ties that seem to be unseen in the spiritual realm....and to look forward to a different, better home than what is offered on this planet.
Thank you for covering us in prayer. ❤️
@@janegreen5301 I appreciate your keen sensitivity. Thank you.
@@norxgirl1 Also - a sword of TRUTH. And, the truth will always divide...This is what my chapter on the Empath in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, addresses. My FSA research clearly shows that a high percentage of FSA adult survivors are the family Empath 'truth-teller'. Truth is very threatening to closed, dysfunctional / narcissistic family systems.
I am so happy that I came across your channel just over a week ago. I ordered and subsequently recieved your book on Monday past. I am so grateful to have this tool to aid in my recovery. Thank you very much. Sincerely, Debra from B.C. Canada
Wonderful to hear you got my book. I hope you find my work on FSA helpful. And - you are most welcome!
Mind completely blown. This is me. All of this. Exactly. I am laughing and crying at the same time.
The shock of recognition can hit deep. Glad you're here. Linking you to my survivor resource list for additional support options: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Appreciate the many helpful videos, thanks for your contribution. I lost track as you went along, of the six signs. It was hard to tell where each began or if you were just talking extemporaneously.
So, saying, out loud, "Number 3. Is called. . . Number 4 is. " or listing them in the description, or in the comments, so it's easy to see at a glance. Im a good student and listened closely, but it ran together for me . . .Right now i could only name two of the six, and confidently only one. Sometimes commenters make a list too, but I didn't see one. Sorry if I sound like "that guy" your videos are very helpful and informative. I am frustrated though, I cant just recall or glance at the six, its important and its just one person's feedback.
All the best
Hi Steve, thanks for taking the time to write in with your suggestions. This was an earlier video of mine. I am now adding transparencies in the videos when I am bringing up new concepts or signs, as you will see in my latest video here: ruclips.net/video/gNHUjs8lI6U/видео.html Or sometimes I use graphics and GIFs. Great feedback, and I will do my best to organize my videos a bit more: I do not use scripts and so it is a fine balance between doing what feels most true for me (following my own flow ad lib) but also accommodating viewer needs / wishes, since this is an educational channel.
Had to go Google search structural disassociation... Ugh. That explains A LOT. Looking forward to your more deep dive into this, along with some possible coping mechanisms. I'm trying so hard to reconcile these two opposing "needs" in my mind that I'm in bed most days.
Thanks again for doing this. I can't find a trauma-informed therapist in my area and am trying to heal pretty much on my own, as best I can, until I find someone to work with.
That's the primary reason I started this channel. I hope to offer therapists FSA training and certification one day - I only wish there was more than one of me to help spread the word - Right now I'm working on finding like-minded colleagues who can help.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I don't think I can link his channel without RUclips muting this comment, but Patrick Teahan is doing similar work in childhood trauma.
Oh. My. Freaking. God.
This is … oh my god. This is me. My life. You just put my shut off unshowered single serial sucky shrink seeing but still seeking self in plain sight and just
OH. MY. FREAKING. GOSH. 🥺🥺🥺🤯🤯
Hi Charlotte, I see you have a knack for alliterations! I realize it is not an ideal thing, to relate strongly to my videos here, but... You might also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', which also represents my research on what I named 'family scapegoating abuse' or FSA.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Oh I ordered it almost a month ago when I first found you!!! I just got back from spring break with my college age kids and I’m about to start it.
It’s taking me a while to get through the video content - I can’t watch back to back because I have to process them they hit me so deeply. I wanted to start your book when I could really take my time with it and sit with it because sometimes I need to hear each video a few times before I can even grasp that you are explaining this so clearly and it’s just truly mind blowing. I’m thinking the book will be the same. Im ready to get out the multi colored highlighters.
You have given such validation it’s almost overwhelming.
This particular vid had me in tears and I do not ever cry. Ever.
Ever. Ever.
I bought the workbook you recommended too but I’m not jumping back in with a therapist just yet - too terrified to get another one that doesn’t understand. I will though.
Right now it’s enough just knowing there’s a reason why I’m like this and it isn’t because deep down I’m worthless dog you know what or was Hitler in my past life and deserve it etc.
I can’t tell you what a difference you’re making. I mean clearly for me but I truly think there’s a lot more people just like me out there than any estimate I’ve heard.
FSA is an insidious cancer mot always obvious even to the victim of it and the older I get the more I see that.
Just saw this comment, Charlotte - I hope you are making it through my book okay - let me know how it goes and glad you're here!
Thanks for another informative video Rebecca. I’ve read your book and watched every video and still I keep learning something new /feeling an aha moment. Today it was that the scapegoating in the present (even though I’ve gone no contact a few months ago) could still be triggering me. Just knowing the way my family of origin see me makes it Really hard to believe the good and love that’s now in my life when I fall into that dark hole you speak of. There’s so much out there about narcissistic abuse and childhood trauma but not enough about the family system perspective. I always find it a relief to hear your professional calm voice do a zoom out and look at everything from a big picture view. Especially regarding the betrayal/denial from my siblings and mother. Its helping me start to believe I’m not fundamentally bad - at least when I’m not triggered. Thank you 🙏
Hi Eleanor, I consider this the very early stages of recovery, when contact has ended only a few months earlier. Emotional activation and triggering can be at play for quite awhile when it comes to complex trauma symptoms and brain repair (calming down the amygdala, etc) - it's one of the reasons I use Janina Fisher's workbook in my practice, which also addresses Structural Dissociation, along with triggering due to complex trauma related to one's past.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that’s good to know - that it’s not like I should be all fine now I’ve gone nc! Makes sense. Will check out the work book, thanks again.
It is a long journey, recovering from FSA, but it is possible, but in most cases complex trauma symptoms do need to be properly addressed.
Another excellent video, thank you 🙏 I’m not sure if you’re still adding to your polls for data collection purposes, but I heard the scapegoat narrative in front of other extended family. My father & some siblings found it almost humorous when he would berate me. It was usually done in a way which made it seem almost comical until it got so severe that others felt uncomfortable. As an adult, I see how my dad set the stage for extended family & friends to view me as the villain rather than the victim. Sometimes people would tell me privately they didn’t agree with my father’s false assessment of me, but nobody dared to tell him that. I experienced smear campaigns & slander behind my back as well, but the faulty narrative was said openly too. I appreciate this community & my heart goes out to all of those who have & continue to suffer from FSA ❤
Thanks for adding your story. Indeed, the scapegoating abuse is not always done in secret (this is a commonly repeated myth) but can happen in front of others also at times.
High levels of self-consciousness and embarrasment then ended up red faced around social get togethers a lot. Don't think I have gotten over it as still avoiding any social life like my life depends on it. Was that just a bad case of teenage self-consciousness or something else. Constant life worry that I can't get over something I feel I should be able to.
John, if you were scapegoated, what you describe could relate to toxic shame (different than ordinary shame). I have a chapter about it in my book on family scapegoating abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I can totally relate. It got so bad for me that I was afraid to leave my desk to go to the bathroom because I was anxious about meeting coworkers in the hallway. I ended up with a depression diagnosis and was put on SSRI. Although the med did lessen the severity of my anxiety, toxic shame is right.
Hi Rebecca, I bought your book, told my therapist about it and she bought it too. She is going to work with me thru some chapters. I have finally found a trauma therapist. Your current video is spot on as it relates to my previous and current issues such as, going to many different therapists (albeit I was dealing with the untimely and tragic deaths of my son and husband). But here’s the thing I knew 15 of more years earlier that my family was mistreating me but I couldn’t ascribe a name to it. That’s cause the therapists I was going to had no training in FSA. When I told one guy about the family smearing he mocked it. I have all the signs you point out - fear, isolation, difficulty working at a job, distrust in men is huge! While it may have been my mother who set the stage to treat me with contempt all my life, she got a lot of people on her side especially my brothers. And yes she would talk the false narrative in front of other people I assume to humiliate me. I want to heal from all this before she dies - she is 88. So glad you came along.
Best to you,
Theresa
Theresa, this is wonderful news (yet I am so very sorry to hear of the tragic loss of your husband and son - such an unimaginable loss no one should suffer). Given I coined the term 'FSA' (Family Scapegoating Abuse') to describe this form of family abuse, most people (including therapists) don't know it unless they've come across my work, but lately I do see articles written by therapists referencing it, so the term is catching on. Once you go through my book, you and your therapist might want to check out Janina Fisher's workbook, 'Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma', the one I mention in this video. It is my preferred workbook for addressing complex trauma and family dynamics - until I can hopefully get my own out some day! Thanks for updating me on the progress you have made in regard to finding appropriate trauma-informed care.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse thank you so much - I was going to re-listen to this video to get the name of that workbook. I very much appreciate your personal responses on our comments. I truly feel like I’m being heard. ❤️
You're Awesome!! Thank you 💜
Thank you, Laura Jane!
Great content and I like your outfits.
Thanks, Gabriela - New video out in 20 minutes!
Hi, Something else. Whenever I dated a person I always told them I did not want children. I married. Shouldn’t have. He and his mother started pressuring me to have children.
That's come up a lot recently here in the comments. Not wanting children or knowing very early in life that they did not want them.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse that's me too.
Interesting point, thanks for sharing. I’m the oldest of four children who lived with a highly narcissistic father & enabling mother. I realized I didn’t want children long ago & none of my siblings have reproduced. I wonder if there’s a connection to the abuse we suffered & a desire not to replicate it. The easier path is to continue scapegoating the empathetic, truth teller (me) in the family & live in denial that the abuse is still present, although more subtle. God bless you 🙏
I have never been married (by choice) and have no children (also by choice) and I knew at age 12 I never wanted
biological kids due to what was done to me. Now I don't feel so alone. My sibling (older than me) also has no kids.
The way society treats me when I tell them I have no kids is utter disgust. THEY shame me for this.
@11:20 or so. I would explode into a tirade over things that would make most people shrug, or say "Oops!" such as a computer program not working after several attempts, or dropping something on the floor. I went to a therapist, at the behest of my work supervisor*, who told me when I explained that I didn't have thoughts before I exploded, told me that I must have had thoughts first an that thoughts always precede feelings.
But I have since learned that triggers do not require 'thoughts.' They are automatic. They just ''happen,' leaving me / us to wonder what is causing them. The therapist was well-intentioned, and had me do 'vignette' work - looking at various photos and determining a story about them. All my stories had to do with a mother figure dying. But I don't recall the therapist addressing what to me would seem like a lot of suppressed rage against my own mother.
I bought the book and have started reading. I'm SO thankful! that there are finally books, videos, websites, etc. addressing this exact issue. When everyone around you is telling you that you have some sort of 'problem', then steer you towards exploitative relationships, platonic and otherwise, who ALSO make you feel like the problem is you, a person starts to believe that there really is something 'wrong' / defective with me. Which, IMO sets a person up for all sorts of potential mental illnesses.
*I realized some years later, that my work supervisor talked down to me in a sing-song "Oh you poor, poor stupid thing, you," manner that reminded me of how my mother spoke to me.
Finally there is hope 🙏💯👍
It's weird it's like I want I know that they want me to like come grovel to them and it's like for what for more abuse for more of the same why would I want to do that?
It's a question anyone suffering from FSA should ask themselves.
Yes you think that's the way for the narcissistic family to get supply to like right in front of the scapegoat be like oh she's such a problem but we put up with her you know
That's almost like a line out of my article. I think I'll do this video soon, stay tuned!
I got the smear campaign which was a huge lie right in front of my face. She (“mother “) lied to everyone she could. I was already suffering with PTSD from an assault among other things and in shock so I just sat there numb and speechless while she told her horrible lies. She had paranoia too. I hope Rebecca talks about narcissistic paranoia sometime.
This was very helpful as the things mentioned were so familiar. Thank you again for validating my experiences. I am eagerly looking forward to the next video! 💜
It is a very important one, I look forward to getting it out there next week. And - you're welcome!
How do I deal with constantly feeling activated? I mostly have peace sitting at home and I’m finding that I wish to be a home body and a recluse. I want to also feel good when I have to go to work and be out and about.
You might find this video helpful. Ultimately, a lot of work needs to be done with the Vagus Nerve and the entire nervous system, in my experience both personally and with clients. ruclips.net/video/HiNp6eQgX74/видео.html
Hi Rebecca… please tell me its possible to heal from this heinous abuse?
Absolutely! I discuss this in my book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, and my video 'Beyond Family Scapegoating Abuse' (on my Scapegoat Recovery with Rebecca C. Mandeville playlist). Although I will say, if the scapegoating / family abuse began at a very early age, the neural pathways may not fully recover, but the good news is that new neural pathway connections can be made, allowing one to eventually override their conditioning and previous trauma responses. I speak not only from professional experience as a therapist and trauma recovery coach, but from personal experience - and my scapegoating began at a VERY early age. It takes time, and ideally, working with a trauma-informed Mental Health professional who knows what they are doing and understands family systems and being in the family 'Identified Patient' role.
As soon as financially feasible, I will set up a single session with you. I am a veteran, single woman living with two loving cats LOL I am so excited to learn more and to work with you at some point this year. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences Love Teresa PS I ordered the workbook on Amazon to prepare
Hi Teresa, I look forward to it. Just FYI: My book, Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed, is not a workbook, per se, but an introductory book on what I named (via my research) ‘family scapegoating abuse’ (FSA). I hope you find it helpful.
I am reading your book RS &B will be here tomorrow..Thank you!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
How does this relate to a family that adopted one child from a sister and a second child through an adoption center? I was the child adopted from my mother's sister. We were both told we were adopted but I was not told my aunt was my birth mother. So, perceived as a golden child, but always treated as the different child.
Ah, yes, the bed, under the covers, is still the only safe place.
It can feel that way at times.
Rebecca I pray for you to be well can we go on a cruise all of us or have a convention
Yes - thank you!
You made me laugh, loved it. Yes, a Scapegoat survivors cruise. Amen!
My NM waited for me to walk into a room to start smearing me to others and they all ate it up.
Yes, this is not as uncommon as some might think. It is a myth that the smearing or scapegoating behaviors only happen behind the child or adult child's back, and I have the research to back this statement up.
Yes, they enjoy it more when there's an audience.
@@truthprevails3487Yes, and it's so evil!
It makes it more difficult to contradict them and I’d assume they have prepared the ground first. That’s a display of cruelty.
Thank you for your work on scapegoating. I appreciate your view.
You're most welcome.
Very very informative
Thank you
Good to hear!
great video thank you for the information Rebecca .
You are so welcome!
This was so informative. Thank you
Glad it was helpful!
My brothers teased me so much and tood me that i was kidnapped by the gypsies, that i eventually believed it. Now, thankfully, aftee seeing these videos i realize where thise frightening beliegs came from. They also beat me up and my parents did nothing about it usually.
Sibling bullying is often overlooked when attempting to trace the roots of trauma. It can be traumatizing and qualifies as abuse and needs to be treated as such.
I was also told I was purchased from gypsies, but by my parents, how strange!
I am researching but need your clinical acumen. Learned chronic (daily) migraines linked to child trauma. Found 1 preventative helps but doc quit it re very low heart rate, but is ow my whole life. I know that's linked to freeze response/stress/anxiety. Could trauma cause life long bradycardia. I'd like to take the (betablocker) but no one listening. Also, have you found a link for cptsd and status migraines? Just had another.
I hope you're well, we miss and need you ♥️
You might find some of your answers here: ruclips.net/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/видео.html
Not a doctor but had bradycardia and it was due to my thyroid dying. Thyroid controls heart and lungs. Until thyroid was removed my heart couldn’t beat fast enough because it wasn’t getting the hormone instructions to do so. Get your thyroid checked. It causes all sorts of awful symptoms including depression. It did for me.
John Bradshaw’s ❤🙏works continues ⛄️Priceless. I had Bradshaw videos tapes in Australia 🇦🇺… they were like gold … our ACOA - wore out those tapes …. My innerchild is relieved he can continue being a brat 25 plus year “chasing the dragon “ of little Shel’s expression or being heard …. 🎉….
Bradshaw's work had a profound effect upon me when I first came across it when I was quite young. His PBS series, especially. It is likely what inspired me to specialize in Family Systems decades later. Thanks for your comment.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Someone has them uploaded on RUclips.
John Bradshaw on The Family Part 1 full
ruclips.net/video/Ey5aqdkWfno/видео.htmlsi=BK0K0I2APtZwzkJc
John Bradshaw The Family Part 2-10
ruclips.net/p/PL4wA21d2cgvEoCnGkVBFG-RrQA-qGxaD-&si=LQtZu_GJtVmQEJME
Great Information, Thank You. ❤
Glad it was helpful!
Same to me 😢
In short hated for anything good you do and treated like trash if you make a mistake.
i was wondering how frequently you have seen adhd in your clients or research and if you felt that would be a reason to be targeted for fsa. i read your book about 2 years ago (i can’t thank you enough!) and have been rereading parts about toxic shame. i was thinking about how maybe toxic shame on top of rejection sensitive dysphoria can cause a never-ending loop of rumination? i am finding those pieces the hardest in recovery and would love to know your thoughts.
YES! I have a lot to say about this, and an ADHD-type child (whether diagnosed or undiagnosed) can indeed become a target for family scapegoating abuse. Video and also article to come! Recovery can be tricky as ADHD and complex trauma affect the same area of the brain, but it can be done. In my practice, I co-treat such clients with a colleague who is an ADHD-coach who also is certified in trauma-informed care and C-PTSD treatment.
great! thank you! i will keep an eye out!
I have a question since I have been diagnosed with genetic generalized epilepsy in 2020 and am tired of being the scapegoat and have no support system, my parents did take their lives in the 90s and I'm the youngest sibling but I'm the half blood because we have different mothers but the same father and I got put into foster care until I was emancipated at 15 to become my own adult since I was working and already had my own apartment and 2 jobs, I was kicked out of my foster home when info came around that my father was adopted and I had no idea and I have been on my journey to find my family and now I have my half sister back in my life, things are impossible for her to see what she does to others, nor does she know my past she was with her mother after our father died in 1993 while she is 6 years older than me and must always destroy every visit I attend and I leave brokenhearted, I'm not the person who has done anything but be left behind as my siblings were 10 and 6 years older with a different mom, and my passed away when I was 11 I was in and out of the foster system since 3 months old and, she's still mad at me for just being alive after her parents split and it was her mother that was the narc and now she has learned from her mother, I get belittled, hurt, made fun of, and called everything under the sun, I can reason with someone who won't open their ears but only their mouth with no control or thought just straight attack mode and I'm 37 now I'm too old to be hurt at each visit, I moved over 4000klm across Canada moving east to west to have what I thought would be a family or even a sibling anything since I was left behind, and she acts like it's my fault for everything that happens to her even though we didn't grow up together she only came up a few summers as a child and she has always been mean all my life and this will never change, how do I get someone to hear me without talking over me and yelling isn't my style, I leave Christmas eve in tears every year knowing I don't deserve this abuse and hurt I have had enough of my own that no one know what I have gone through, why scapegoat the only survivor left which I am, I have done everything I can to please and forgive but the same pattern repeating itself, I tried no contact than I get guilted about it, even though I explained why I can't have extra stress all the time I have tc seizures that are triggered by stress, for Christmas I got screamed at by my sister because I'm doing DNA testing because I have no family history and need it for health reasons, I started in 2015 on my dads 25 death anniversary and I got him a headstone just last year and non of my siblings cared, I'm the only responsible one who won't manipulate others for my own gain, and I'm the youngest with the most trauma and now I'm chronological ill and where are they no where thats right because if it's not about them the world won't rotate anymore, I'm tired of being hurt into my adult years, it's not my fault I'm alive it wasn't my choice so stop hurting me and wake up, I'm there for all, and not a soul for me is there, and never has been, when my mother passed away not a person wanted me, and 27 foster homes ruined me, I thought if I was closer to my siblings we would connect, nope I'm just here to exist to be torn down, she says things like you shouldn't be sad I hurt you, it's not personal, but if you mad at me for just being alive it's not my fault, I did all I can do, now I'm tired and this is not what family is, and it's painful over and over again. How do we talk to the person who hurts us, when the world relvoves around them and doesn't care to listen only hurt me more, this isn't healthy it's hard, all I was wishing for was a sister not a sinister, hateful, jealous of nothing and all, I'm just her punching bag and I'm done, I'm tired of feeling like I'm an issue, I'm not I'm here and I came far, dropped my life for what more abuse, I had enough growing up with addicts and being abused mentally and physically, but emotionally will it ever end. I have tried boundaries that did nothing, now I'm the bad person who doesn't want to be apart of being torn apart and for what and why just because I made it out alive and didn't die too, hurts to my core. It's hard enough just being sick and being becoming an orphan at age 11 and not a soul wanted me, and still doesn't hurts so much, so no contact was better, I need to stop people pleasing and just say no thanks I'm not able to come be the Christmas piñata ever again. I'm so glad our sons didn't come with us because it was a sad ride home 2 hours drive to get picked on, and hurt. Nope no more, I'm growing a spine and saying no more, thank you for your kindness and insight into this topic, you have helped me so much in just a few videos thank you.
You're very welcome. Thank you for sharing a bit of your FSA experiences with us here. If you are relating strongly to the content of my videos, you may also want to read my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. Many have found it helpful.
I feel your pain. They just want you as an emotional dumpster. Just to use to abuse. It's a no-win situation so in the end you have to choose yourself to survive.
I am not going to do this much longer.
Awareness is the first step...
I hope you are OK.
Why is this content is so triggering, physically, when I have understood all of this intellectually for quite some time? 😥
I'm sorry to say my trauma-informed content sometimes has that effect on people. Physical symptoms often represent implicit memory - meaning, the body is remembering something, even if the mind consciously is not.
Is it possible to switch between states of hypoarousal and hyperarousal?
Definitely.
Oh yeah. My mom's dear friend- like a sister to her, tells me at a wedding rehearsal: im turning my 5 month old son into a pussy like his father because i refused to feed my son ice
cold formula.
No one in my family said a word of defense.
It is rare that anyone - inside the family or out - will ever stand up for the scapegoated family member.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse it's true. Fortunately, at this point in my life I know it was a reflection of them and their inadequate behaviors.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuseLearned that the hard way,
@@loveoneanother881 you have to be your own advocate around toxic family.
I don't speak to the people, who are remaining in my immediate family. I don't forgive or forget .
I would tell them "I make it a policy to never take advice from people I would never go to for advice,lol. Then quickly change the subject.I sometimes get so shocked at what someone says to me, I'm speechless, but now & again I come out with a good brainslap. Sometimes we need to speak up for ourselves. The person feels it's OK to give unsolicited advice to you in public then they shouldn't mind your reply in front of others...
Can a parent be a scapegoat?
Yes, this can indeed happen - and does.
Oh yes, especially if a toxic grandparent or spouse or sibling, or anyone with bonds within the intergenerational family system alienated the child or adult child against that parent.
My malignant NPD mother clearly demonstrated she was her own family's scapegoat when her elderly father came to live with us. She suddenly turned into his victim again. He had r*ped her throughout childhood, and murdered her kittens in front of her. She inexplicably took him in, and allowed him to rule the tiny house. She was a single mother with just me left at home, her scapegoat.
I watched her turn into a submissive child, serving this monster hand and foot. She even gave him her bedroom, and slept on the couch. Despite her two sisters having far more room in their houses, and being financially better off. Mom was also thoroughly blamed by my Dad as the sole cause of their divorce, despite him beating her and us, and moving his teenage mistress into our family home. I see that as scapegoating.
The only power she had was controlling and punishing me as the family scapegoat. And my God, is she crazy. Her care home staff blame her dementia, and don't believe me when I tell them she's always been this way.
@bl7817 I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing, it resonates with some of my story and it helps. I just realised how a scapegoated parent can become a narcissist and scapegoat a child (me) by needing a way out for all of that energy which was “kept captive” while their where abused.
I'm sorry for you, too.
Re: your idea about energy. I wonder if the same abuse to a different sort of personality, causes dissociative identity disorder? By that, I mean would a different child in my Mom's place have developed DID rather than NPD? @@ilusagraun
The family can not do it on their own, you know… 🗺️
Exactly!
I'm A Go Getter...I Need A Nap! 😅
😂 senrio I am in my 50's my mother well past her 80's. Me I think I will get another dog ( my old dog died of old age had her for 15 years). My mother No you can't get a dog because she won't be able to look after it when I decide that I can't? Never not once has she ever looked after taken care of or rehomed any pet of mine. Yet has had both the siblings pets and raised them as her own. Still has an older siblings cat as the sibling got into a relationship with someone who doesn't like cats. 😂 But me I am the irresponsible one? 😔. A small example. I don't live with her and once had to move back home after a divorce needless to say we ( me and my children)ended up homeless as she told me not to marry that man and my dad kept treating me like a child even though I was 31 year's old and decided to abuse my children as my parenting wasn't up to standards and it was his house his rules. So we went to a women's homeless shelter so I could get back on my feet. Then I found out they where paranoid and where trying to find out who I told and what I said and to who 😂 🤣 😜 I don't speak to anyone 😤 period.
Bi-polar, medication resistant depression
Thank you. I do see Bi-polar diagnosis at times in the FSA adult survivors history - which is sometimes accurate, but sometimes not.
I personally think that many times people are diagnosed with bipolar when they really have CPTSD.
@@freedomwarrior5087 Yes, I mention this in my book. BPD also.
Thank you so much for sharing your work, it is great to finally have it recognised, but can you please not wear those glasses as they are very hard to watch.
Thank you. Regarding glasses: I must wear these for various reasons but shooting videos at night now so they don’t darken.
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