Heidi, I just discovered you a couple weeks ago. Of all the experts on Attachment Theory I've seen on RUclips, you are the best at breaking this down in such detail, and most importantly, at providing actionable solutions. I'm realizing the extent to which I abandon myself on a daily basis, or don't truly stand for the person I want to become. This video is fantastic. Thank you!
Made me cry because I realize I do this and I just feel like a POS but then I know it’s how I was emotionally neglected as a child and I realize this is something I was born into and I learned to survive doing this, BUT I can also learn to change this because I’m tired of pushing the people I love away by doing this when I genuinely think I’m being loving.
@@D3vilMayCry99 Hi, I feel compassion for you. I'm a DA and I pushed so much love away in my life. I alway wanted to have a family, and it didn't happen because of this. A quarter ago I had a situation that was exceptionally hard and I broke down, I could not avoid my feelings anymore, I was weak and multiple traumas were triggered hard. I'm now in therapy, and it works well for the first time. I'm happy because I can feel the future will be ok!
Summary - 1. Self trust 2. Boundaries with yourself nd others 3. Learn to identify unfulfilled needs 4. Learn to divorce fault from responsibility 5. Open direct line of communication with yourself Thank you
For me showing up for myself is self care like showering, skin care, using essential oils, keeping my car and apartment organized, eating nutritious foods, strength training, taking my psych meds, and getting a good night’s sleep. I still have a long way to go, but I’ve also come a long way in the last year to grow and become more self aware. Your channel has helped a lot with that. Thanks!
1. trust yourself: pick a small thing and do it for a set amount of time just to set you in motion. (work on a coding problem for 5min everyday 2. learn your boundaries with urself and others: fearful avoidant. (physical feeling when boundary is crossed: seething, burning, disgusted rage. i hate them and want them to just vanish from my sight) behavioral, thought, emotional boundary 3. identify your unmet needs: under every crossed boundary is an unfulfilled need (avoiding conflict for instant peace. need for approval > need for self respect) 4. divorce fault from responsibility (even though its not ur fault, it is ur responsibility to heal the shameful, self hating narrative you've come to adapt) 5. direct line of communication with yourself: guide yourself, give feedback to yourself
Girl omg omg. The compassion, self acknowledgment, the self awareness. I would cry if I wasnt at work right now. I just messed up a possible partner situation with my issues and traumas. Now finding out this is the personality type I have plus ADHD… its like woah… i never had a chance. But now I can do something about it.
Ugh this so badly. Going through the early stages of my transition, recently diagnosed ADHD (I hyperfixated on them) and anxious attachment style. All while falling into an avoidant who didn't want a relationship but provided me so much emotional intimacy and caring and nurturing. I didn't know I could hyperfixated on someone and I wanted to give her EVERYTHING. I hope you got/are getting to where you're trying to be 💖
Your videos are helping me realize I’m not crazy…after 30 years, I’m finally learning how I’ve been expecting the people around me to uphold my boundaries…while continuously breaking them myself…
I too never taught boundries always had my boundries merged or ignored. I feel lots of grief and shame over my actions that have come from my behaviours. Not my fault ' I fell like everything is my fault and when ovetwhelmed of feeling like that it is their or its fault '. Where to start? I guess it's with me.' Not my fault,' I have to learn to believe, ' My responsibility I have to learn which are my responsibilities and the skills. I feel so insecure I cannot even say the words I have in me.
Everyone… send some big $cash$ thank yous to this incredible lady… I can barely believe she’s providing all of this life altering education for free, while it has so much therapeutic value. What an incredible human you are, devoting so much time and effort to help people heal. Massive thanks to you ❤️
Something I have noticed is this process takes a while but overtime I started to notice a separation between my emotions and my thoughts. The key is to recognize that your thoughts and feelings actually operate independently, not in unison. It’s hard to explain but I like to compare this objective awareness as the “higher self”.
Dearest Heidi, you are a truly godsend. The inner child of the 44yo man started to weep with real tears. Thank you for your help, compassion and the path of your life you decided to follow. You give me the hope to be a whole person again. Love you ❤❤❤.
I'm now 50 and dealing with cptsd. the whole 'love yourself' and 'heal yourself' thing is so hard. one video said I should look at my child self and comfort them and say you love them .... but I feel nothing but disgust. note to self .... don't post comments on youtube videos when you are in the middle of a flashback - and thank you Heidi for helping understand what these feelings are!.
I know what that is like. It is a long process to wellness, and I'm not done, but I have found it is worth it. I'm learning DBT now, and it's helping. I'm 56. It's never too late.
When you stopped and acknowledged that even though it’s not our fault but it’s our responsibility it sucks! Anyone with attachment issues did not ask for it and even though we are being educated it is so very important to get that acknowledgment that it’s not ideal. Healing a wound that wasn’t your choice to have is hard! It’s challenging in ways you didn’t think were possible. Thank you for taking the moment to stop and empathize❤️ we will all get better one step at a time!
"what do you actually DO?" It's what our parents didn't model to us. It took me years to figure out what the hell everyone was talking about!! It's how we show up in the world, in our daily lives, how we prioritize, and the actions we take. It's difficult if you've never seen it, in your family of origin, it just isn't modeled, and so we have no idea how to start. I struggle between determining when comfort is what I need (I used to be very hard on myself) or when I need more discipline and to just do the thing. I don't have much time alone, that makes it really tough. Great video, thank you!!
I had dysfunctional parents who had no self discipline at all, so my response was to become way too busy and intense by cultivating anxiety. I am only learning now, in my 30s, how to get my nervous system to feel safe and rested again.
@@Ethereally13 same!! It was funny/ironic/sad, during one of the evenings my toddler son and I spent at my mom's boyfriend's house for a holiday gathering, her boyfriend said something along the lines of "sit down, relax, you're welcome to be comfortable here." It was warm and friendly, not critical. His mom was there in an armchair and had been pretty quiet (I think she is in her 80s). She said, "Paige doesn't actually know how to relax, she hasn't been allowed to for so long." All I could say was, "you're absolutely right. I have been trying to do the work of two people, with the resources and capacity of one seriously grieving person." I think I got about 10 minutes on the couch before my son needed me to get up. I had been working full time, managing the household, bills, doing the meals, cleaning, and then childcare. The same woman pointed out the ways I was being "too kind" in the divorce proceedings. Where I thought I was being decent, I wasn't protecting myself. He certainly wasn't decent. It is sort of sick and sad, that these people who aren't even related to me, seem to be more concerned about my long term well-being than my mother ever was. I don't think I have EVER heard my mom encourage me to relax or take time for myself.
@@PaigeSquared Ouch, and I feel all of that! My dad refused to attend my college graduation, and I found out later it’s because he was jealous of the things I had achieved. I hope you keep learning to calm yourself. As I figure it out for myself, I’m actually finding a lot of pain and emotion under all that anxiety. Not only am I finally moving through old grief, but I’m connecting more to my emotions in general.
So beautiful you found someone to give you kindness and recognition. I raised 2 girls single handed, mostly because of not being able to not get triggered by others actions and my own. A hell of a journey for my children and myself. And how to heal? ❤❤❤❤
I feel like a bomb dropped. 😮 "It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility." That just shifted my perspective on so many things. For me, it seems like the answer to a lot of questions as to why I can not change certain unhealthy behaviors. It might even be the way out of co-dependancy. I often feel bad for not doing things that should be done, like keeping the house tidy or taking care of myself. Knowing, that even though it is not my fault that dust falls on furniture or dishes get dirty, but it is still my responsibility to get things clean again is so freeing to me. It seems like in the back of my head I always had the excuse that it is not my fault, therefor I should not have to fix it. But that is not how the world works. I always felt like it was somehow unfair and wrong, that I had to take responsibility, so I really struggled doing it and was ashamed at the same time, for not wanting to take responsibility. Now I realize, I don’t need to shame myself for it. But I do need to realize that it is not unfair or wrong to have responsibility but that it is self-love, loving others and the foundation of freedom. I am really happy to get practical steps that are doable, instead of only learning more and more about what went wrong in my life. It is very helpful to know and an important first step but it is not enough to change. Learning comes by doing. 😊 Thank you so much for this video. You do tremendous work Heidi! ❤
The "if it's my responsibility then it's my fault" speaks so much to me. In my attempts to not be a victim and take things in hand I became so hard on myself because I always thought that Everything wrong in my life was my fault .. since am taking responsibility ... realizing that there is INDEED a difference is sooo relieving ❤🙏🏻
I'm glad you mentioned the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. I am on my 2nd reading of it, this time with a highlighter in hand. I highly recommend this book.
The part where you said "how many more times is ok, for me to put myself in situations where I'm emotionally unsafe" really resonated with me. I've had a series of relationships where I was treated badly and since the last one ended, I have just decided to opt out of relationships and dating. Your words really captured the way I feel. ❤
But I would love to hear more about meeting your own need, since I struggle alot with that one. Sometimes it's just simple things, like being able to tell someone about my day, having someone to go on a walk with or sleep next to. I try to meet these needs on my own, but it doesn't feel as fullfilling for me. Any advice on how to work on this?
Your level of self awareness is really admirable. Do you think you can do a video about how you got to this point? I feel like most people (including myself) run on autopilot without being fully aware of what we are doing or why. I don't know how to go about starting to develop accurate self awareness.
For me... introspective meditation, and identifying the different parts / motivations / energies / needs in my self, labelling them, and talking to myself and my other parts *as* them. People tend to get a little weirded out at that concept of talking to / about parts of myself as though they're separate entities from me, and then allowing that sense of "I" assume the identity of those components for the sake of speaking back to myself, (Oftentimes simply holding them both simultaneously in different parts of my mind, rather than constantly switching back and forth.) but it's been a really good tool for both discovering what's active in my subconscious, and therefore, bringing it to consciousness, or self-awareness, as well as for (agonizingly slowly) reshaping what's active in my subconscious in the first place. There are a lot of good tools out there for asking yourself "Why _____?" and getting a useful answer, be it journaling, meditation, blogging, chatting with a friend, or anything else; we're all different, and that also means we all have to figure out what works for us for ourselves...
Try picking certain activities to do mindfully to get in the habit of self awareness. Such as mindfully brushing your teeth or mindfully washing dishes, treat these activities like a mindfulness meditation.
Me also being fearful avoidant, this hits home and will be an uphill battle. It's also weirdly comforting that I'm not the only one that has learned to protect myself by cutting off people. I gotta work on it but I'm not alone.
Miss Heidi, I've found this to be particularly challenging in practice as an ENFP and I think what you said towards the beginning about words of affirmation and being a "f$#% boi" towards yourself is spot on. You're really onto something here ma'am and I greatly appreciate your content. Thanks for what you do, cheers. -Matt
your videos are getting even better and better, this is straight fire and I can't wait for your next video on attachment styles and boundaries!! rock on!
A friend recommended your channel to me, and it took me a while before I actually watched your content; I went in, thinking it was a bunch of rephrased, watered-down information from what I've heard in the past, but it hasn't been. I feel so seen and heard in every single one of your videos, and I'm learning so much about myself that every day, my mind is blown over how accurate my findings seem to be. Nonetheless, I'm commenting because towards the end of the video, when you apologized for what people who have grown up in horrible conditions have had to go through and what they are responsible for having to fix, it felt so genuine and kind, something I've yet to hear in another person's voice. Thank you for your videos, they truly do make a difference in people's lives.
As an anxious avoidant I struggle with knowing both it’s not my fault I am this way and it’s my responsibility to transform myself. For a long time I blamed myself for my behavior because that’s what everyone else did before I was aware of this attachment style and why I became this way. I also was searching for love because I never really had it, but I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing because I didn’t have the proper lens to view my childhood with until I learned about disorganized attachment. Finding channels like yours has given me validation and hope for myself. It’s astonishing that years of therapy completely missed all of this. The answers were right there… why didn’t they see it..?
Ikr? I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar. For 36 years, since I was 14 ( formally diagnosed @ 21 which was the DSM criteria) I lived under that label, was therapized, medicated , hospitalized, and made into a psychotic mess.I was dying. Or trying to every few weeks. Two years ago I happened to learn about CPTSD and instantly knew that had been the problem all along and it was fixable!!! Which I did and am still working on, but I'm so much better already! Why nobody knew about Trauma, I do not know, either! I got a master's in counseling and was a therapist for awhile and didn't learn about it then either, though. I'm so glad we were blessed eventually 😂
@@sunnyadams5842 wow, what your telling sounds incredibly interesting! if I got you right, you had to suffer under the label "bipolar" and still became a therapist? that's astonishing! congrats!
Thank you for another brilliant talk. I agree on the positive affirmation not going far, but rather to arrest any negative self talk or criticism. Im about to turn 70 and can honestly say it takes millions of tiny steps regularly until the results show up and one feels total self support…to the place where you feel this is how you have dreamt of another human ultimately loving and treating you. In other words, simply being your very best friend. That accountability as well as a time limit on this, is key.
I am older than you and I thought I had done pretty much smart inner work on myself and that I know the land. However I find you give me new perspectives and fresh insight that is helpful indeed. You have a knack for counselling and you have as a person a quality of soundness, simplicity and innocence that is very pleasing indeed. So thank you!
Whew. No. 1 really, really hit me. I frequently don't do what I promise myself I'll do, then spend an inordinate amount of time beating myself up over it, telling myself I'm all kinds of terrible things. I don't know if I can even listen to the other things I'm going to need to do until I master this one. And it's going to be hard. Very, very hard because I am not used to showing up for myself.
I just want to say thanks. I’m starting this journey to overcome my insecured attachment, and is hard, really hard. Listening to you saying that it’s sucks no to be loved as I deserved, riped a tear out of me, but, was also liberating. Thanks again.
I am totally at the point where you were, being very frustrated about all the people saying I need to love myself. If I knew how I would. It made me feel broken because I felt I should be able to do it instinctively if nobody takes the time to do a step by step guideline on something so important and it's just not natural to me. Thanks so much Heidi. Your videos are reaching me in my darkness and confusion and giving me hope and guidance. I love you. ❤
Great advice and reminder. I would say that being compassionate to yourself is so important. For those days when you don’t reach a goal. For those of us who had a lot of trauma in our past it can be two steps forward and one step back journey.
I never write comments, but I had to jump on to show my gratitude for your videos. Thank you SO much Heidi, I've been binge watching a lot of your videos after my recent break up and your videos have been helping me tremendously as an anxiously attached person. I recognize how my actions may come across to other people and how they might feel as a result. Sometimes, I would wonder why my relationships would always end the same way when all I am doing is loving and giving love. But I recognize that yes, it is love, but it was also my growing dependency on them causing them to leave me. I have learnt so much about myself, and started reading the atomic habits to create better habits so that I become more confident and more self-reliant. I remember I used to journal and log three things I was proud of myself for that day after my other breakup. It was extremely helpful for my mental health as I was very depressed and even getting out of bed was difficult. So I started very small, like getting out of the house, taking a walk for 5 minutes, saying hi to my coworkers first (lol), etc. And gradually, my 'goals' or 'challenges' got bigger and bigger and it really helped me get back on my feet. Eventually, I stopped doing that when I got over my ex-bf and felt like I could stop, but I realize that I should have continued. Now, after this recent breakup and watching all your videos, I want to restart journalling and make it a part of my life. I want to be secure and I want to love myself wholly. I have not respected my ex's boundaries and I feel bad but what is done is done and there's nothing I can do but to learn and grow from my mistakes so that I don't repeat it again. I am not over him yet and it's been difficult letting go of him but I am hopeful that as I work on myself it'll all get better. I've watched many other videos on anxious-attachment styles but the way you describe and give examples just hit me differently and it's been very eye-opening. Thank you so much
I didn’t know which channel this was, but I was scrolling and saw “How to build a healthy-” at the top of the video, and since I figured it was some kind of diet or study routine video, I rolled my eyes, since there’s already so many of those out there. Out loud, I finished, “-relationship with yourself!” as a joke, since I knew that wasn’t what the thumbnail was actually gonna say, and then scrolled to find that… oh. That’s exactly what it says. It actually is one of those cool self-reflection videos. And oh, whaddya know, it’s from a fellow ENFP I forgot I’m subscribed to :)) hello again legend
This video should have a million views by now. You don’t know how much this helped, I have better insight now and realizing I have a lot of work to do for myself.
Heidi, I really love the work that you are doing here. As a fearful avoidant, I really resonate with what you are speaking to about it being very difficult to access grief due to the hardness I have had to maintain most of my life… Can you make a video about learning to access and soften into and release the grief that is held for those of us that have had to maintain hardness and rigidity to cope?
One of the very things that truly helped me with having self love, becoming more confident and healing is taking pride in having integrity. In fact integrity is one of my top values. It's the very thing that helps me be accountable and setting good healthy boundaries. If you are going to say you are gonna do something, do it. If you are wanting to show up we someone show it. Change happens via example not through opinion
20:38 thank you so much for saying this ❤i did come to that conclusion kinda "on my own" (in fact, thanks to lots of smart people who've written books and said different things to me) ... a while ago, but hearing that clearly articulated by somebody else means a lot to me. we all need to be reminded about that from time to time.
Your channel is going to blow up. Thank you for teaching me all the things my mom couldn’t. Very much-needed, critically-important information. Blessings to you 🤗❤
Heidi is a revelation. These videos have been life-changing for this anxious attacher INFP in love with an evolved avoidant, especially, somewhat surprisingly, this one. Thank you, Heidi. Love this Canadian!!!
I highly recommend Melissa Urban's "The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Wil Set You Free" as a resource for building a healthy relationship with yourself for anyone else at the start of this journey -- really for anyone. Thank you for your videos. They've been so helpful in my healing journey. Going through an unwanted divorce, and your channel has really been a foundational support and tool for change. I'm at least grateful that this crisis I'm facing has been enough to shock me into real work and healing. Learning about the structures/patterns holding me back is so powerful.
I love your perspective, your videos are so insightful. I have an impression that you really did the work for yourself first, and now you're sharing what you've learned. I reaaally really respect that. I'm sending you a lot of love
I really really enjoyed this video. I've recently started watching your more recent content and this video in particular feels like an open authentic conversation. When you said that you were sorry that the anxious attachment style didn't receive the love that they deserved as a child I cried. Thank you for your coaching and support while we work towards a healthier relationship with self.
Thanx Heidi. In all the studies I'm watching about personalty types and ennagrams ect. I found myself totally lost. How you explain things esp this topic has finaly open my eyes where to freaking start! Thank you so much❣
Just got to the morning journal type thing; I put off joyful things & push too hard on must-do things that quite honestly, can wait a day ❤🎉😊 I'm having my own at home spa day...thank you!
Have the 5 minute journal on my bookshelf. I took it off the shelf today. Going to start tomorrow! Started journaling this week at therapist’s advice (I am a fearful avoidant) and have been watching many videos for self-help. I find the theme mentioned many times in your videos is recognizing the feeling in my body when a boundary gets crossed. It happens super fast almost like a reflex. I am hoping journaling and doing the 5 min journal will help me be able to stay regulated. Thank you for handing me some more tools for my toolbox. ❤
I love the point about being able to keep a promise to yourself for [__] amount of time and then evaluating how well it’s working for you and if you want to set a new goal! I have a tendency to create new habits for myself with no clear end dates or check-in dates, just “I’m going to do this thing every morning!”, and I think taking off the pressure of the unspoken “yep, every morning for the rest of my life!!!” will help make it easier to not change my mind and reason my way out of the habit as soon as things get difficult!
Exactly. I have created long lists of healing practices that realistically all together are just tooooo much. I will choose just one or two to focus on with end dates to consider progress. Then choose what I will focus on next....feels like taking off tight shoes :)
Honestly, thank you so much. I can't thank you enough for this video. Always heard of superficial advice like "love yourself, trust yourself, it'll all work out, " but no one answered the HOW. This video is phenomenal. Thank you.
This was a great video, and explained in a way that made sense to me. Given the fact that you had my attention during my entire commute speaks volumes! Thanks again and keep up the good work.
As a fellow therapist, I really appreciate that you are articulate about practical steps. Your unique perspective on these topics is believable, and easy to follow. Subscribed!
Oh my god so many things you’re saying are making my brain go DING DING DING 🛎️ you are so spot on with so many of your points I’m so glad I found your channel! Time to binge 😁
Sooooo good, thank you! The self-accountability piece is huge. You did a great job making the equation between what would make us feel love and trust for someone else and how that translates to our own self love.
Excellent put as always. Journaling has helped me tremendously. I’m a product of childhood emotional neglect and two years into my healing work. The sneaky thing about CEN is that it’s so subtle, yet causes so much confusion and pain. You can’t just look at one single incident, because they will all convince you you’re exaggerating and/or crazy. It’s not until I pieced the puzzle together that I saw and realized - I did the best I could. I’ve been asking myself daily for decades “what’s wrong with me” and blamed myself. Not anymore. However I recognize that I have more work to do with grieving the life I never got.
Seriously, Heidi. You are a God send. This video resonated with me so much. My therapist actually recommended positive affirmations for me. While I appreciated her intention, I immediately knew that I am not a "Positive affirmation" type. This video gave me a more realistic road map for how to love myself.
I used to push myself really hard, and really talk down to myself due to CPTSD. I had to teach myself to calm down and focus on just showing up and enjoying the process of healing. I'm still working on it at middle age. I will likely be making steady progress on this stuff my entire life without ever being perfect. I try to think of it as a martial art or artistic practice. You just keep going and learning.
Thank you so much for such a detailed road map on how to build a relationship with myself. I feel like you have answered SO many issues/questions in my life that have previously gone unanswered and made me feel hopeless. There's a nuance to your teaching style that I simply gravitate towards. Maybe it's your simple/relatable illustrations, idk. I knew I needed to do internal work but truly didn't know where to begin. After 5 min - I paused and grabbed a notebook and have a plan. FINALLY! Thank you for this....💙
Ive been looking for so many things to figure out what is wrong with me in a place of hopelessness and your channel is so far one of the only one that seems healthy for the mental place i am in ❤. Im so glad i found this channel
After three failed relationships, one a 23 year marriage, I have been alone with myself for the first time in my adult life (I have adult kids and a big immediate family, so not in that way). But alone without having anyone to make happy so that I can use their happiness for my own validation. At times it is deeply frightening, and desperate, and lonely. I have been trying to find out who I am, so that I can trust myself, so that I can love myself, so that I can actually be someone- even at 54 years old. I had heard some of your videos before and listened to this one for the first time on my way into the office this morning. At 19:06 in this video, I almost had to pull the car over- you described how my sisters and I realize now, that we went through childhood. A happy childhood that we were taught to do all the behaviors you said that we learned to do and that cause big challenges later in life. They sure do. I do remember as a kid feeling that something big was missing in my family life but I was happy, kept happy, and taught how to keep the happiness- and now I see. There was no way I could see it back then but now I do. And it is deep and it is bad. I do not blame my parents- they did the best they could and I believe they believe this also. But, I think I finally- finally, I see who I am, perhaps why I am the way I am, and most importantly to finally believe that I can at long last begin to fix myself- because I know that I have missing things (needs) I need to identify (as you mentioned). I am onboard with your approach. This whole video has been so packed with revealing practical help, I cannot thank you enough. Although I am tired from all that I have already been through- I am finally hopeful and believing that maybe I am getting on the right path and that will increasingly encourage me to put in the time, effort, and energy. Thank you for your inspiration and help. I will be starting this journey with the content you have here. Right after my body stops being on fire- but now I know why. Lol. Edit: And just now after watching the video that I should have watched before this one, "What are the 4 Attachment Styles?", I have decided and accepted that my childhood and maybe my attachment style was defined by my father who is a very strong and capable Avoidant type. From a childhood trauma at his age of 7. He is 82 and still is. Growing up in a household with that in great effect 24-7-365 denied my opportunities to develop tools then. And here I am. 😂🤔
Thank you, Heidi! I admire your videos, however, I feel as this one positively take the cake!! I loved how you pointed out ways for us to improve how we can love and motivate ourselves into becoming better versions of ourselves. :) :)
thank you so much for all the work you do to help other people. you have helped me so much and i am dealing with such an awful childhood and current living situation. i'm unable to get the therapy i need and my family is unsympathetic being as they are the abusers themselves. i also experienced an early childhood trauma that none of them have cared about when i told them. it's very parasocial but it feels like you're my friend and the therapist that i can't have. i do wish i could talk to you but maybe one day i will have a therapist who will be able to help me. thank you again.
Heidi, I am so thankful I discovered you. You articulate these topics in a way that I find very beneficial. I have been deep diving the RUclips self-help vertical for quite a while, but this honestly feels like a turning point. Thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing more from you!
Heidi, this is awesome. Thank you. I am just helpless about the situation when somebody has power over me - how am I supposed to keep my boundaries if the work environment is not based on partnership but authority? 😢
Such amazing perspective and tools. I'm blown away how you breakdown the steps that are easy to follow. I'm so glad you popped up on my YT feed today! Subscribing and thanks.
Holy smokes there is so much good to chew on here. Thank you! I'm excited to start small with little acts for myself to grow the trust. I've built a couple good habits before and know I can keep that momentum of showing up for myself. Thank you again!!
Wow…I’ve never heard of the separation of fault vs responsibility! Thank you for this!! This is really powerful! I am definitely an empath growing up with at least one (covert) narcissist. So finally separated from the other narc I lived with for 8 years, finally on my own, I am definitely learning and living out these things. I think I’m more anxiously attached, but I also seem to show some avoidant. Maybe I’m a cross of anxious-avoidant. Sheesh.
Could you please write a book about attachment, styles, and boundaries. I find the whole attachment very very baffling and boundaries. You have a wonderful way of explaining things that I’ve never account. I think your marvelous and I appreciate your work. Thanks for everything you do.
This 'relationship with self' 5 step is great work. Well explained and actionable. Thank you. I made copious notes and action items on all 5, and the mental check-in/journaling is genius.
Heidi, thank you for the most accurate simple breaking down of how boundaries, needs, attachment wounds all play out, and how to heal this dynamic ! Your videos soothe my soul ! 💜💜💜
Fantastic- I love listening to you and your brilliant videos. Already finding them so helpful and perceptive. ❤ Thanks so much for sharing your experience and knowledge.
Heidi, I just discovered you a couple weeks ago. Of all the experts on Attachment Theory I've seen on RUclips, you are the best at breaking this down in such detail, and most importantly, at providing actionable solutions. I'm realizing the extent to which I abandon myself on a daily basis, or don't truly stand for the person I want to become. This video is fantastic. Thank you!
Me too. I found that Heidi is the best breaking this down
I agree, u know ur stuff maybe because ur fearful-avoidant u understand both sides. Thank u!! Love u! (anxious speaking haha)
Very true
Exactly!! She's so clear and she has solutions! So many other videos just drone on about the problem.
I completely agree. I'm actually able to do work on my healing because she gives actionable solutions. Before I was so lost on how to heal myself.
“It is not your fault you’re in pain but it is your responsibility to fix it. And it sucks. And I’m sorry.”
But we dont have to go at it alone
❤Thank you for this
Made me cry because I realize I do this and I just feel like a POS but then I know it’s how I was emotionally neglected as a child and I realize this is something I was born into and I learned to survive doing this, BUT I can also learn to change this because I’m tired of pushing the people I love away by doing this when I genuinely think I’m being loving.
@@D3vilMayCry99 Hi, I feel compassion for you. I'm a DA and I pushed so much love away in my life. I alway wanted to have a family, and it didn't happen because of this. A quarter ago I had a situation that was exceptionally hard and I broke down, I could not avoid my feelings anymore, I was weak and multiple traumas were triggered hard. I'm now in therapy, and it works well for the first time. I'm happy because I can feel the future will be ok!
@@no_more_free_nicks I’m very happy for you!
Summary -
1. Self trust
2. Boundaries with yourself nd others
3. Learn to identify unfulfilled needs
4. Learn to divorce fault from responsibility
5. Open direct line of communication with yourself
Thank you
THANKS A LOT FOR THE SUMMARY!
Thank you. I don't have 20 minutes for a clickbait pic and important info.
@@S.M.Jean-Mahmoud_Ierthe vid does give examples and can be useful if you find tangible context helpful
@@megankingston7698 bullet lists are what's up then.
@@S.M.Jean-Mahmoud_IerThis video is totally worth anyone's time. So much precious information.
For me showing up for myself is self care like showering, skin care, using essential oils, keeping my car and apartment organized, eating nutritious foods, strength training, taking my psych meds, and getting a good night’s sleep. I still have a long way to go, but I’ve also come a long way in the last year to grow and become more self aware. Your channel has helped a lot with that. Thanks!
1. trust yourself: pick a small thing and do it for a set amount of time just to set you in motion. (work on a coding problem for 5min everyday
2. learn your boundaries with urself and others: fearful avoidant. (physical feeling when boundary is crossed: seething, burning, disgusted rage. i hate them and want them to just vanish from my sight) behavioral, thought, emotional boundary
3. identify your unmet needs: under every crossed boundary is an unfulfilled need (avoiding conflict for instant peace. need for approval > need for self respect)
4. divorce fault from responsibility (even though its not ur fault, it is ur responsibility to heal the shameful, self hating narrative you've come to adapt)
5. direct line of communication with yourself: guide yourself, give feedback to yourself
This is amazing! Thanks
Girl omg omg. The compassion, self acknowledgment, the self awareness. I would cry if I wasnt at work right now. I just messed up a possible partner situation with my issues and traumas. Now finding out this is the personality type I have plus ADHD… its like woah… i never had a chance. But now I can do something about it.
Ugh this so badly. Going through the early stages of my transition, recently diagnosed ADHD (I hyperfixated on them) and anxious attachment style. All while falling into an avoidant who didn't want a relationship but provided me so much emotional intimacy and caring and nurturing.
I didn't know I could hyperfixated on someone and I wanted to give her EVERYTHING.
I hope you got/are getting to where you're trying to be 💖
Your videos are helping me realize I’m not crazy…after 30 years, I’m finally learning how I’ve been expecting the people around me to uphold my boundaries…while continuously breaking them myself…
so recognizable!
So same!
I too never taught boundries always had my boundries merged or ignored. I feel lots of grief and shame over my actions that have come from my behaviours. Not my fault ' I fell like everything is my fault and when ovetwhelmed of feeling like that it is their or its fault '. Where to start? I guess it's with me.' Not my fault,' I have to learn to believe, ' My responsibility I have to learn which are my responsibilities and the skills. I feel so insecure I cannot even say the words I have in me.
" you never have to beg someone to follow your boundaries...." Heidi the way you explain is pure genius. Thank you!
Everyone… send some big $cash$ thank yous to this incredible lady… I can barely believe she’s providing all of this life altering education for free, while it has so much therapeutic value. What an incredible human you are, devoting so much time and effort to help people heal. Massive thanks to you ❤️
Something I have noticed is this process takes a while but overtime I started to notice a separation between my emotions and my thoughts. The key is to recognize that your thoughts and feelings actually operate independently, not in unison. It’s hard to explain but I like to compare this objective awareness as the “higher self”.
That’s a great explanation
Dearest Heidi, you are a truly godsend. The inner child of the 44yo man started to weep with real tears. Thank you for your help, compassion and the path of your life you decided to follow. You give me the hope to be a whole person again. Love you ❤❤❤.
I'm now 50 and dealing with cptsd. the whole 'love yourself' and 'heal yourself' thing is so hard. one video said I should look at my child self and comfort them and say you love them .... but I feel nothing but disgust.
note to self .... don't post comments on youtube videos when you are in the middle of a flashback - and thank you Heidi for helping understand what these feelings are!.
I know what that is like. It is a long process to wellness, and I'm not done, but I have found it is worth it. I'm learning DBT now, and it's helping. I'm 56. It's never too late.
@@brianhalverson7140 thanks
When you stopped and acknowledged that even though it’s not our fault but it’s our responsibility it sucks! Anyone with attachment issues did not ask for it and even though we are being educated it is so very important to get that acknowledgment that it’s not ideal. Healing a wound that wasn’t your choice to have is hard! It’s challenging in ways you didn’t think were possible. Thank you for taking the moment to stop and empathize❤️ we will all get better one step at a time!
I agree ❤
"what do you actually DO?"
It's what our parents didn't model to us. It took me years to figure out what the hell everyone was talking about!! It's how we show up in the world, in our daily lives, how we prioritize, and the actions we take.
It's difficult if you've never seen it, in your family of origin, it just isn't modeled, and so we have no idea how to start.
I struggle between determining when comfort is what I need (I used to be very hard on myself) or when I need more discipline and to just do the thing. I don't have much time alone, that makes it really tough.
Great video, thank you!!
I had dysfunctional parents who had no self discipline at all, so my response was to become way too busy and intense by cultivating anxiety. I am only learning now, in my 30s, how to get my nervous system to feel safe and rested again.
@@Ethereally13 same!!
It was funny/ironic/sad, during one of the evenings my toddler son and I spent at my mom's boyfriend's house for a holiday gathering, her boyfriend said something along the lines of "sit down, relax, you're welcome to be comfortable here." It was warm and friendly, not critical. His mom was there in an armchair and had been pretty quiet (I think she is in her 80s). She said, "Paige doesn't actually know how to relax, she hasn't been allowed to for so long."
All I could say was, "you're absolutely right. I have been trying to do the work of two people, with the resources and capacity of one seriously grieving person." I think I got about 10 minutes on the couch before my son needed me to get up. I had been working full time, managing the household, bills, doing the meals, cleaning, and then childcare.
The same woman pointed out the ways I was being "too kind" in the divorce proceedings. Where I thought I was being decent, I wasn't protecting myself. He certainly wasn't decent. It is sort of sick and sad, that these people who aren't even related to me, seem to be more concerned about my long term well-being than my mother ever was. I don't think I have EVER heard my mom encourage me to relax or take time for myself.
@@PaigeSquared Ouch, and I feel all of that! My dad refused to attend my college graduation, and I found out later it’s because he was jealous of the things I had achieved.
I hope you keep learning to calm yourself. As I figure it out for myself, I’m actually finding a lot of pain and emotion under all that anxiety. Not only am I finally moving through old grief, but I’m connecting more to my emotions in general.
So beautiful you found someone to give you kindness and recognition. I raised 2 girls single handed, mostly because of not being able to not get triggered by others actions and my own. A hell of a journey for my children and myself. And how to heal? ❤❤❤❤
I feel like a bomb dropped. 😮
"It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility."
That just shifted my perspective on so many things.
For me, it seems like the answer to a lot of questions as to why I can not change certain unhealthy behaviors. It might even be the way out of co-dependancy.
I often feel bad for not doing things that should be done, like keeping the house tidy or taking care of myself.
Knowing, that even though it is not my fault that dust falls on furniture or dishes get dirty, but it is still my responsibility to get things clean again is so freeing to me. It seems like in the back of my head I always had the excuse that it is not my fault, therefor I should not have to fix it. But that is not how the world works. I always felt like it was somehow unfair and wrong, that I had to take responsibility, so I really struggled doing it and was ashamed at the same time, for not wanting to take responsibility. Now I realize, I don’t need to shame myself for it. But I do need to realize that it is not unfair or wrong to have responsibility but that it is self-love, loving others and the foundation of freedom.
I am really happy to get practical steps that are doable, instead of only learning more and more about what went wrong in my life. It is very helpful to know and an important first step but it is not enough to change. Learning comes by doing. 😊
Thank you so much for this video. You do tremendous work Heidi! ❤
The "if it's my responsibility then it's my fault" speaks so much to me. In my attempts to not be a victim and take things in hand I became so hard on myself because I always thought that Everything wrong in my life was my fault .. since am taking responsibility ... realizing that there is INDEED a difference is sooo relieving ❤🙏🏻
I'm glad you mentioned the book "Atomic Habits" by James Clear. I am on my 2nd reading of it, this time with a highlighter in hand. I highly recommend this book.
The part where you said "how many more times is ok, for me to put myself in situations where I'm emotionally unsafe" really resonated with me. I've had a series of relationships where I was treated badly and since the last one ended, I have just decided to opt out of relationships and dating. Your words really captured the way I feel. ❤
But I would love to hear more about meeting your own need, since I struggle alot with that one. Sometimes it's just simple things, like being able to tell someone about my day, having someone to go on a walk with or sleep next to. I try to meet these needs on my own, but it doesn't feel as fullfilling for me. Any advice on how to work on this?
Your level of self awareness is really admirable. Do you think you can do a video about how you got to this point? I feel like most people (including myself) run on autopilot without being fully aware of what we are doing or why. I don't know how to go about starting to develop accurate self awareness.
For me... introspective meditation, and identifying the different parts / motivations / energies / needs in my self, labelling them, and talking to myself and my other parts *as* them. People tend to get a little weirded out at that concept of talking to / about parts of myself as though they're separate entities from me, and then allowing that sense of "I" assume the identity of those components for the sake of speaking back to myself, (Oftentimes simply holding them both simultaneously in different parts of my mind, rather than constantly switching back and forth.) but it's been a really good tool for both discovering what's active in my subconscious, and therefore, bringing it to consciousness, or self-awareness, as well as for (agonizingly slowly) reshaping what's active in my subconscious in the first place.
There are a lot of good tools out there for asking yourself "Why _____?" and getting a useful answer, be it journaling, meditation, blogging, chatting with a friend, or anything else; we're all different, and that also means we all have to figure out what works for us for ourselves...
Me too...I'm 55 & so wish that I was so more aware...
I like Dr Gabor Mate about authenticity
Try picking certain activities to do mindfully to get in the habit of self awareness. Such as mindfully brushing your teeth or mindfully washing dishes, treat these activities like a mindfulness meditation.
I needed this 30 years ago. The world is a better place because of your work. Thank you!
Never too late!
Me also being fearful avoidant, this hits home and will be an uphill battle. It's also weirdly comforting that I'm not the only one that has learned to protect myself by cutting off people. I gotta work on it but I'm not alone.
Miss Heidi, I've found this to be particularly challenging in practice as an ENFP and I think what you said towards the beginning about words of affirmation and being a "f$#% boi" towards yourself is spot on. You're really onto something here ma'am and I greatly appreciate your content. Thanks for what you do, cheers.
-Matt
your videos are getting even better and better, this is straight fire and I can't wait for your next video on attachment styles and boundaries!! rock on!
Thank you Brian!!
A friend recommended your channel to me, and it took me a while before I actually watched your content; I went in, thinking it was a bunch of rephrased, watered-down information from what I've heard in the past, but it hasn't been. I feel so seen and heard in every single one of your videos, and I'm learning so much about myself that every day, my mind is blown over how accurate my findings seem to be. Nonetheless, I'm commenting because towards the end of the video, when you apologized for what people who have grown up in horrible conditions have had to go through and what they are responsible for having to fix, it felt so genuine and kind, something I've yet to hear in another person's voice. Thank you for your videos, they truly do make a difference in people's lives.
As an anxious avoidant I struggle with knowing both it’s not my fault I am this way and it’s my responsibility to transform myself. For a long time I blamed myself for my behavior because that’s what everyone else did before I was aware of this attachment style and why I became this way. I also was searching for love because I never really had it, but I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing because I didn’t have the proper lens to view my childhood with until I learned about disorganized attachment. Finding channels like yours has given me validation and hope for myself.
It’s astonishing that years of therapy completely missed all of this. The answers were right there… why didn’t they see it..?
Ikr? I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar. For 36 years, since I was 14 ( formally diagnosed @ 21 which was the DSM criteria) I lived under that label, was therapized, medicated , hospitalized, and made into a psychotic mess.I was dying. Or trying to every few weeks.
Two years ago I happened to learn about CPTSD and instantly knew that had been the problem all along and it was fixable!!! Which I did and am still working on, but I'm so much better already!
Why nobody knew about Trauma, I do not know, either! I got a master's in counseling and was a therapist for awhile and didn't learn about it then either, though.
I'm so glad we were blessed eventually 😂
@@sunnyadams5842 wow, what your telling sounds incredibly interesting! if I got you right, you had to suffer under the label "bipolar" and still became a therapist? that's astonishing! congrats!
Thank you for another brilliant talk. I agree on the positive affirmation not going far, but rather to arrest any negative self talk or criticism. Im about to turn 70 and can honestly say it takes millions of tiny steps regularly until the results show up and one feels total self support…to the place where you feel this is how you have dreamt of another human ultimately loving and treating you. In other words, simply being your very best friend. That accountability as well as a time limit on this, is key.
You make me look at myself with compassion. I am in pain for all the times I’ve abandoned me.
I am older than you and I thought I had done pretty much smart inner work on myself and that I know the land. However I find you give me new perspectives and fresh insight that is helpful indeed. You have a knack for counselling and you have as a person a quality of soundness, simplicity and innocence that is very pleasing indeed. So thank you!
Mmm doing things for yourself, not for an outcome, but “because you said you would.” 🤯🤯🤯❤❤❤
Whew. No. 1 really, really hit me. I frequently don't do what I promise myself I'll do, then spend an inordinate amount of time beating myself up over it, telling myself I'm all kinds of terrible things. I don't know if I can even listen to the other things I'm going to need to do until I master this one. And it's going to be hard. Very, very hard because I am not used to showing up for myself.
I just want to say thanks. I’m starting this journey to overcome my insecured attachment, and is hard, really hard. Listening to you saying that it’s sucks no to be loved as I deserved, riped a tear out of me, but, was also liberating. Thanks again.
I am totally at the point where you were, being very frustrated about all the people saying I need to love myself. If I knew how I would. It made me feel broken because I felt I should be able to do it instinctively if nobody takes the time to do a step by step guideline on something so important and it's just not natural to me. Thanks so much Heidi. Your videos are reaching me in my darkness and confusion and giving me hope and guidance. I love you. ❤
These are practical and attainable self-love goals. Clarity is important on this subject and I got that from this video. Thank you.
Great advice and reminder.
I would say that being compassionate to yourself is so important. For those days when you don’t reach a goal.
For those of us who had a lot of trauma in our past it can be two steps forward and one step back journey.
I never write comments, but I had to jump on to show my gratitude for your videos. Thank you SO much Heidi, I've been binge watching a lot of your videos after my recent break up and your videos have been helping me tremendously as an anxiously attached person. I recognize how my actions may come across to other people and how they might feel as a result. Sometimes, I would wonder why my relationships would always end the same way when all I am doing is loving and giving love. But I recognize that yes, it is love, but it was also my growing dependency on them causing them to leave me. I have learnt so much about myself, and started reading the atomic habits to create better habits so that I become more confident and more self-reliant.
I remember I used to journal and log three things I was proud of myself for that day after my other breakup. It was extremely helpful for my mental health as I was very depressed and even getting out of bed was difficult. So I started very small, like getting out of the house, taking a walk for 5 minutes, saying hi to my coworkers first (lol), etc. And gradually, my 'goals' or 'challenges' got bigger and bigger and it really helped me get back on my feet. Eventually, I stopped doing that when I got over my ex-bf and felt like I could stop, but I realize that I should have continued. Now, after this recent breakup and watching all your videos, I want to restart journalling and make it a part of my life. I want to be secure and I want to love myself wholly. I have not respected my ex's boundaries and I feel bad but what is done is done and there's nothing I can do but to learn and grow from my mistakes so that I don't repeat it again. I am not over him yet and it's been difficult letting go of him but I am hopeful that as I work on myself it'll all get better. I've watched many other videos on anxious-attachment styles but the way you describe and give examples just hit me differently and it's been very eye-opening. Thank you so much
This internet stranger finds your journey inspiring!
@@RishaBond thank you
I didn’t know which channel this was, but I was scrolling and saw “How to build a healthy-” at the top of the video, and since I figured it was some kind of diet or study routine video, I rolled my eyes, since there’s already so many of those out there.
Out loud, I finished, “-relationship with yourself!” as a joke, since I knew that wasn’t what the thumbnail was actually gonna say, and then scrolled to find that… oh. That’s exactly what it says. It actually is one of those cool self-reflection videos. And oh, whaddya know, it’s from a fellow ENFP I forgot I’m subscribed to :)) hello again legend
This video should have a million views by now. You don’t know how much this helped, I have better insight now and realizing I have a lot of work to do for myself.
Thanks Heidi! I wrote this blog post: how to talk to yourself without lying. This topic is 110% along those lines - rebuilding self trust!
Heidi, I really love the work that you are doing here. As a fearful avoidant, I really resonate with what you are speaking to about it being very difficult to access grief due to the hardness I have had to maintain most of my life… Can you make a video about learning to access and soften into and release the grief that is held for those of us that have had to maintain hardness and rigidity to cope?
One of the very things that truly helped me with having self love, becoming more confident and healing is taking pride in having integrity. In fact integrity is one of my top values. It's the very thing that helps me be accountable and setting good healthy boundaries. If you are going to say you are gonna do something, do it. If you are wanting to show up we someone show it. Change happens via example not through opinion
20:38 thank you so much for saying this ❤i did come to that conclusion kinda "on my own" (in fact, thanks to lots of smart people who've written books and said different things to me) ... a while ago, but hearing that clearly articulated by somebody else means a lot to me. we all need to be reminded about that from time to time.
Your channel is going to blow up. Thank you for teaching me all the things my mom couldn’t. Very much-needed, critically-important information. Blessings to you 🤗❤
I'm literally taking a page full of notes as I listen to this! ❤
Heidi is a revelation. These videos have been life-changing for this anxious attacher INFP in love with an evolved avoidant, especially, somewhat surprisingly, this one. Thank you, Heidi. Love this Canadian!!!
I highly recommend Melissa Urban's "The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Wil Set You Free" as a resource for building a healthy relationship with yourself for anyone else at the start of this journey -- really for anyone.
Thank you for your videos. They've been so helpful in my healing journey. Going through an unwanted divorce, and your channel has really been a foundational support and tool for change. I'm at least grateful that this crisis I'm facing has been enough to shock me into real work and healing. Learning about the structures/patterns holding me back is so powerful.
I love your perspective, your videos are so insightful. I have an impression that you really did the work for yourself first, and now you're sharing what you've learned. I reaaally really respect that. I'm sending you a lot of love
I feel really seen by this comment, thank you! And sending a lot of love right back
Thank you for sharing Heidi. You are well versed & articulate. I like your videos!
I really really enjoyed this video. I've recently started watching your more recent content and this video in particular feels like an open authentic conversation. When you said that you were sorry that the anxious attachment style didn't receive the love that they deserved as a child I cried. Thank you for your coaching and support while we work towards a healthier relationship with self.
It made a lot of sense. I’m passing through it, it’s a lot of information. Gotta learn how to forgive myself.
Thanx Heidi. In all the studies I'm watching about personalty types and ennagrams ect. I found myself totally lost. How you explain things esp this topic has finaly open my eyes where to freaking start! Thank you so much❣
Just got to the morning journal type thing; I put off joyful things & push too hard on must-do things that quite honestly, can wait a day ❤🎉😊 I'm having my own at home spa day...thank you!
Have the 5 minute journal on my bookshelf. I took it off the shelf today. Going to start tomorrow! Started journaling this week at therapist’s advice (I am a fearful avoidant) and have been watching many videos for self-help. I find the theme mentioned many times in your videos is recognizing the feeling in my body when a boundary gets crossed. It happens super fast almost like a reflex. I am hoping journaling and doing the 5 min journal will help me be able to stay regulated. Thank you for handing me some more tools for my toolbox. ❤
I love the point about being able to keep a promise to yourself for [__] amount of time and then evaluating how well it’s working for you and if you want to set a new goal! I have a tendency to create new habits for myself with no clear end dates or check-in dates, just “I’m going to do this thing every morning!”, and I think taking off the pressure of the unspoken “yep, every morning for the rest of my life!!!” will help make it easier to not change my mind and reason my way out of the habit as soon as things get difficult!
Exactly. I have created long lists of healing practices that realistically all together are just tooooo much. I will choose just one or two to focus on with end dates to consider progress. Then choose what I will focus on next....feels like taking off tight shoes :)
Honestly, thank you so much. I can't thank you enough for this video. Always heard of superficial advice like "love yourself, trust yourself, it'll all work out, " but no one answered the HOW. This video is phenomenal. Thank you.
This was a great video, and explained in a way that made sense to me. Given the fact that you had my attention during my entire commute speaks volumes! Thanks again and keep up the good work.
As a fellow therapist, I really appreciate that you are articulate about practical steps. Your unique perspective on these topics is believable, and easy to follow. Subscribed!
YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE
Oh my god so many things you’re saying are making my brain go DING DING DING 🛎️ you are so spot on with so many of your points I’m so glad I found your channel! Time to binge 😁
Sooooo good, thank you! The self-accountability piece is huge. You did a great job making the equation between what would make us feel love and trust for someone else and how that translates to our own self love.
Excellent put as always. Journaling has helped me tremendously. I’m a product of childhood emotional neglect and two years into my healing work. The sneaky thing about CEN is that it’s so subtle, yet causes so much confusion and pain. You can’t just look at one single incident, because they will all convince you you’re exaggerating and/or crazy. It’s not until I pieced the puzzle together that I saw and realized - I did the best I could. I’ve been asking myself daily for decades “what’s wrong with me” and blamed myself. Not anymore. However I recognize that I have more work to do with grieving the life I never got.
Self trust is such a key!! Thank you for emphasizing this
Doing the inner work through ACA meeting was a game changer for me and I’m so grateful. 😊
love this video for the down-tp-earth / no bs intro. Was playing a game while listening to it and it shifted my attention to what you were saying
Heidi, this video is awesome! I can tell that after 10 years in therapy no one explained to me these tools nor gave THAT clarity. THANK YOU!
Most therapists are very mediocre
Seriously, Heidi. You are a God send. This video resonated with me so much. My therapist actually recommended positive affirmations for me. While I appreciated her intention, I immediately knew that I am not a "Positive affirmation" type. This video gave me a more realistic road map for how to love myself.
Need a better therapist
Good for you knowing yourself and having a keen sense of what you need!
19:20 when she said i’m sorry for my pain that isn’t my fault nor her fault, and that she isn’t even responsible for… it was so healing.
I used to push myself really hard, and really talk down to myself due to CPTSD. I had to teach myself to calm down and focus on just showing up and enjoying the process of healing. I'm still working on it at middle age. I will likely be making steady progress on this stuff my entire life without ever being perfect. I try to think of it as a martial art or artistic practice. You just keep going and learning.
Such a great one! Thank you Heidi! Wishing us all the best of luck on this journey ✨
Thank you so much for such a detailed road map on how to build a relationship with myself. I feel like you have answered SO many issues/questions in my life that have previously gone unanswered and made me feel hopeless. There's a nuance to your teaching style that I simply gravitate towards. Maybe it's your simple/relatable illustrations, idk. I knew I needed to do internal work but truly didn't know where to begin. After 5 min - I paused and grabbed a notebook and have a plan. FINALLY! Thank you for this....💙
Love this! ^_^ Especially the part about giving small or large attainable promises to yourself, as you would to a good friend :D Thanks
Wow! You are brilliant and speak so succinctly about things I've always needed to learn!!! Bless you and thank you!!! ❤❤❤
I love the idea of putting a time limit on the promise you make to yourself. "Let's do it for 5 days and then we will reevaluate." Man I love that.
Wow. I always heard this concepts but your way of thinking made it clear for me
Thanks!
Ive been looking for so many things to figure out what is wrong with me in a place of hopelessness and your channel is so far one of the only one that seems healthy for the mental place i am in ❤. Im so glad i found this channel
Thanks
Best of luck to all of us 👏. This can be hard work.
After three failed relationships, one a 23 year marriage, I have been alone with myself for the first time in my adult life (I have adult kids and a big immediate family, so not in that way). But alone without having anyone to make happy so that I can use their happiness for my own validation. At times it is deeply frightening, and desperate, and lonely. I have been trying to find out who I am, so that I can trust myself, so that I can love myself, so that I can actually be someone- even at 54 years old. I had heard some of your videos before and listened to this one for the first time on my way into the office this morning. At 19:06 in this video, I almost had to pull the car over- you described how my sisters and I realize now, that we went through childhood. A happy childhood that we were taught to do all the behaviors you said that we learned to do and that cause big challenges later in life. They sure do. I do remember as a kid feeling that something big was missing in my family life but I was happy, kept happy, and taught how to keep the happiness- and now I see. There was no way I could see it back then but now I do. And it is deep and it is bad. I do not blame my parents- they did the best they could and I believe they believe this also. But, I think I finally- finally, I see who I am, perhaps why I am the way I am, and most importantly to finally believe that I can at long last begin to fix myself- because I know that I have missing things (needs) I need to identify (as you mentioned). I am onboard with your approach. This whole video has been so packed with revealing practical help, I cannot thank you enough. Although I am tired from all that I have already been through- I am finally hopeful and believing that maybe I am getting on the right path and that will increasingly encourage me to put in the time, effort, and energy. Thank you for your inspiration and help. I will be starting this journey with the content you have here. Right after my body stops being on fire- but now I know why. Lol.
Edit: And just now after watching the video that I should have watched before this one, "What are the 4 Attachment Styles?", I have decided and accepted that my childhood and maybe my attachment style was defined by my father who is a very strong and capable Avoidant type. From a childhood trauma at his age of 7. He is 82 and still is. Growing up in a household with that in great effect 24-7-365 denied my opportunities to develop tools then. And here I am. 😂🤔
Heidi, your natural hair style is extremely elegant. Never change it! ❤
I cannot explain how much you are helping my healing journey. I really cannot thank you enough for everything you've done to help people ❤
This girl is really one of her kind in this world!
Thanks for putting a lot of ideas together!
I love listening to you speak. You are so non abrasive, understanding, graceful in your thoughts of others and helpful. More like you please.
Thank you, Heidi! I admire your videos, however, I feel as this one positively take the cake!! I loved how you pointed out ways for us to improve how we can love and motivate ourselves into becoming better versions of ourselves. :) :)
thank you so much for all the work you do to help other people. you have helped me so much and i am dealing with such an awful childhood and current living situation. i'm unable to get the therapy i need and my family is unsympathetic being as they are the abusers themselves. i also experienced an early childhood trauma that none of them have cared about when i told them. it's very parasocial but it feels like you're my friend and the therapist that i can't have. i do wish i could talk to you but maybe one day i will have a therapist who will be able to help me. thank you again.
Even though "words of affirmation" is my primary love language, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Just the words are not enough!
Heidi, I am so thankful I discovered you. You articulate these topics in a way that I find very beneficial. I have been deep diving the RUclips self-help vertical for quite a while, but this honestly feels like a turning point. Thank you. I'm looking forward to seeing more from you!
Heidi, this is awesome. Thank you. I am just helpless about the situation when somebody has power over me - how am I supposed to keep my boundaries if the work environment is not based on partnership but authority? 😢
Dear Heidi, I don't have words to thank you for all your videos and insights, all blessings for you
Such amazing perspective and tools. I'm blown away how you breakdown the steps that are easy to follow. I'm so glad you popped up on my YT feed today! Subscribing and thanks.
Holy smokes there is so much good to chew on here. Thank you! I'm excited to start small with little acts for myself to grow the trust. I've built a couple good habits before and know I can keep that momentum of showing up for myself. Thank you again!!
I believe this is the most helpful video I've listened to in youtube
Wow…I’ve never heard of the separation of fault vs responsibility! Thank you for this!! This is really powerful! I am definitely an empath growing up with at least one (covert) narcissist. So finally separated from the other narc I lived with for 8 years, finally on my own, I am definitely learning and living out these things. I think I’m more anxiously attached, but I also seem to show some avoidant. Maybe I’m a cross of anxious-avoidant. Sheesh.
I really loved this video. Very positive and powerful strategies to love yourself. Thank you for sharing.
Heidi, this message is fantastic, thank you so much. You speak so much sense, and explain things so well.
Could you please write a book about attachment, styles, and boundaries. I find the whole attachment very very baffling and boundaries. You have a wonderful way of explaining things that I’ve never account. I think your marvelous and I appreciate your work. Thanks for everything you do.
This 'relationship with self' 5 step is great work. Well explained and actionable. Thank you.
I made copious notes and action items on all 5, and the mental check-in/journaling is genius.
Heidi, thank you for the most accurate simple breaking down of how boundaries, needs, attachment wounds all play out, and how to heal this dynamic ! Your videos soothe my soul ! 💜💜💜
I cannot day how much I appreciate your teaching. 💚
Fantastic- I love listening to you and your brilliant videos. Already finding them so helpful and perceptive. ❤ Thanks so much for sharing your experience and knowledge.
This is pure GOLD! Thank you 🙏