When Your Child Bullies Their Sibling | True Parenting
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- Опубликовано: 14 май 2024
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When Your Child Bullies Their Sibling | True Parenting //
Welcome to True Parenting. You know, in your true crime documentaries how they do reenactments of things that really happen. Well, we are reenacting the actual conversations that Alicia has had with our children because I love the way she parents. There's such warmth and structure and guidance in it and I wanted to share it with the world. The thing is, we didn't wanna exploit our kids and have 'em on camera, and so I am playing the role of our children. I do so with their blessing. The purpose is not to mock them, it's just to bring these stories to life and have a little fun with it. Hope you enjoy.
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00:00 Intro
00:43 Re-enactment
09:11 Perspective taking
09:37 Different personalities
13:11 Having the conversation
#bullying #siblings #parentingtips #mendedlight #jonathandecker
• When Your Child Bullie...
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i have the same personality as "bryson" and i wish my mom had told me this when i was younger. i recently had my first therapy session and i was like "oh sh maybe i’m the problem"
My brother was far beyond a bully to me. And because he's disabled my parents didnt do ANYTHING. They said I should just endure it.
He's said some of the nastiest things to me I have ever heard in my life, broken several bones of mine and actively ruined my relationship with our younger brother. Despite all that I always tried to watch out for him, take care of him and be there when he needed emotional support, because my parents guilt-tripped me into it.
I have barely spoken or even texted both of them after I moved out two years ago. I was robbed of a healthy and meaningful relationship with them. And in my opinion its my parents fault.
Me too!!! My sister was mean to me, but because she is disabled, my parents always stood by her side!!! 🙄😒
Alright, the Oscar is literally on the way now.
Literally every parent needs to be like this. I don't even have kids and this is winning.
The relationship between your son and daughter is just like the relationship between my cats. He wants to play, but she interprets being pinned down and having the back of her neck bitten as aggression rather than playfulness.
Being pinned down and neck bitten isn't playing that's your boy cat trying to ...diddle... your female cat
one of my parents would ever have taken time to sit down like this and talk about behaviour and differences in people.
I have a sister that is 19 months older than me and has completely different pesonality. She bullied me a lot, sometimes even physically hurt me (leaving visible bruises of it). My father generally hardly cared about us, my mother would tell me to leave her alone with our "kid's stuff". And, wanting us to love each other, at some point told us that "everytime the two of you fight, you are ripping a part of my heart apart". My sister laughed it off, I took it deadly seriously. From that day on, the rule was no fights, and if some argument might be building up, she wins. Right from the start, allways.
Your kids are lucky to have such great role models as parents, who teach them such valuable lessons.
Bryson does NOT have a prayer. Alicia has genuine MMA skills! 😂
Maybe you can do a competition with Bryson. "I bet I can build Shayla up more than you!" Whoever wins gets to pick out a cake next week.
I really needed to hear this, and I am 38... My mom is very much of the school "you have to be able to take the teasing" because of her past life experiences, and teasing can often be fun, but I have also been hurt and needlessly hurt others because of that attitude. I think my mom has it very much as a defence mechanism, because that border between fun and hurtful is very, very narrow. So I don't think I have learned very well to take or de-escalate teasing without being aggressive about it either. Or to distinguish when it is appropriate.
I was bullied by my brother. It was worse than teasing and therefor this doesn’t feel quite the same, but I do relate to the explanation of the closers and healers.
I still carry emotional scars from it, especially because in stead of stopping, it was more like it ebbed away and evolved into “brotherly banter”, but the effect the one-sided “brotherly banter” kept having after him bullying me and with my personality was that it kept me small and convinced that I wasn’t good enough…for anyone.
It gets worse. I forgave him for the bullying, because we were adults already and it was close to two decades ago. I think that’s only normal and only fair. But…then it came up at the dinner table, and he got angry and DENIED that any of it ever happened. In fact, he said I bullied him at one point, with no explanation for how, and no reasonable excuse he even could have had. I became a scared mouse who saw him as a cat when we were little, I was scared to death of making it worse, and I know he remembers some of the worst things that happened. So that moment confirmed to me that inside, he might have gotten older, but he’s never gained any real respect for me. He prefers denial to being better.
From the description of “Shayla”, it sounds like she and I have very similar personalities. I’ve had so many times in my life when others have made me feel like I’m not good enough. I still struggle with those feelings. It also doesn’t help when every time I’ve attempted to let others know my boundaries, others just laugh it off or don’t take them seriously or they continuously disrespect my boundaries. It hurts enough to be teased but to have my attempts at setting boundaries be laughed off hurts even more, especially when setting boundaries is difficult for me.
Mended Light: Thank you. These are so helpful. This was great. These skills need to be used in ALL relationships.
I live 28 years and i never saw this type of parenting ever.
I'm curious what you teach your daughter. Do you explain her how to set boundaries with such bullies? I think it is a useful skill to be able to defend yourself proactively rather than wait when somebody will safe you like you parents did.
Further confirmation that I am a Healer and my brother is a Closer. He tormented me relentlessly when we were kids! Of course, my parents never intervened until it got physically violent. I still find him too aggressive and competitive!
This was a great video! I think it's very helpful for relationships in general. I also think it might be very helpful to see the other side of this conflict - the conversation you would have with Shayla in regards to the same topic. A comparison of the two would be very interesting :)
I think your way to guide through this Issue to a child very lovely and as an adult I totally get your point. But I work with Kids up to 10 years and this seem very complicated to understand all those Points for a child. It also very theoreticly with the feelings so far away.
If your children understand and get all the feelings into words, I would say you did a great job as parents ;)
I dunno, my kids sre 4 and 6 and I do something similar with them. Kids understand a lot, you just need to explain in simple terms and with lots and lots of examples. And if they only get some parts it's still worthwhile. They will understand more as they get older
@@beans4853
Sure, but I mean to put all the emotions and connections into words is already a huge step for some childen. So of your child is able to follow your explanations, you have a huge resouce on your hand. I see childen who can't put one Emotion into words not to mention the Intention and needs behind this. So if your child can connect these points I would applaud and say "you did a wonderful job"
You better pray lol I died🤣
Wow- you guys are the magic. This was so helpful.
This is really good and helpful.... Although my oldest has been actually bullying her brother, not just teasing that isn't received as intended... definitely struggling with helping them both other than constantly reinforcing communication skills...
My step son and step daughter don't specifically say hurtful comments but they do or say things that the other takes personal. For example: step son says "I'm so good at reading" and step daughter gets sad even though he isn't saying it directly to her. Then it turns into resentment. Later my step daughter vents to me that she feels like he is better than her and that we love him more simply because he behaves better or does things better than her.. I always let her know that's not the case but I know she doesn't truly believe me because it always comes back to this
I try to ask questions, but my kids avoid engaging. We have had to talk about how long the conversations are. If they engage, the conversations can be quite short, if they show they understand, or they can go on way too long, if they don't think and talk .
I feel like William Afton should watch this-
So did this work? Did Bryson completely stop saying hurtful things to shayla? These videos are great!
10:12 Alicia is here using different names than the one you use at other moment of the video. Just wanted to say it, so in case it's actually the name of your children, you can remove this bit, or bleep it out.
Or maybe my brain is just too tired to hear correctly ^^
I love your videos! I learn so much from it! Can you do a video about how you deal with kids and smart phones?
This is *awesome*
I enjoy how you taught Bryson that it's okay to express yourself but may have to tone it down for Sherry. I hope Sherry can learn from Bryson's perspective too!
I love this -- I'm only partly through the video and this is our biggest struggle.
How can I communicate to a child/teach that child about removing the ego from the situation? Or is that something they learn over time as we help them with empathy?
Jono seems to be an ok therapists, but a wonderful actor.
Ok but, sometimes, bullies are just being mean, or intentionally trying to put you down because of jealousy or competition :(
I was today years old when i learned i was a closer
Yeah, there are grown people who don't understand this; my ex among them. He was unwilling to change the way he spoke to anyone. He talked to me the same way he spoke to construction coworkers.
❤❤❤
wait I'm both a closer and a healer and personally I wouldn't call this bullying more just bad communication and teasing but still good for stopping this before it escalated. Bullying is far more malicious so do you have any tips on how to deal with like actually malicious behaviour between siblings especially when things get physical.
Hearing my name is a video is so weird LOL
May I ask what mbti type Alicia is, in case you know? :)
I know Jonathan is INFP, right?
I love mended light and cinema therapy but this was overkill on mums part. (I mean mum is awesome for addressing it and has very valid points but equally) Dear lord I get the point the lesson and so on but honestly no need for an entire therapy session over that....a simple it hurt your sister because of X and how do you think you can approach it differently in future is enough
This turned into the nagging of a lifetime. I think after the first minute I was like kay...got it fucked up won't happen again. I'll be more considerate in future....but this turned into a full therapy session aimed at blame.....
Sometimes less is more yeah....
It turned into a longer session because this behavior has been repeated for years.
Ps stop labelling your kids...sometimes labelling enforces stereotypes.....and becomes an identity. Your son isn't aggressive by nature so don't label him as such. Or keep enforcing that idea he is. Perhaps use more positive language. Like our son "has strong emotions " because labels stick also some one said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. If your repeating yourself over an over...try a different approach
PPS I apologize that was mean ...what I mean to say is my brother was labelled a bad seed. Was told by teachers he would end up in jail. Was aggressive lashed out etc. Mum even tried to send him to army to fix him....
Turns out he wasn't...he didn't want to be bad he just said the wrong things did the wrong things....we didn't get him and labelled him
Eventually he had a teacher connect with him and learned how to channel his energy and deal with anger etc. And now he's probably the most successful and kind and considerate of us all....
Maby talking isn't the right approach. Maby he needs to feel like boasting about spelling etc to his sister because he needs more recognition of his achievements ? Or maby he constantly feels like the bad guy. The aggressive guy etc
This one was a LOT more realistic. There was a tad more back and forth. It wasn't like you were conducting a symposium that your kid attended willingly and understood the adult verbiage and agreed with it and internalized i right away and skipped off to have a perfect life. This is much more realistic where there is push back and conversation. It's still a little one sided...but it's going in the right direction compared to the previous true parenting episodes. It's more "true".
So can you be a closer but completely skip that development stage because your parents didn't teach it to you that other people are different to you? My partner is SUCH a closer. And it's amazing sometimes because if something needs to get done...you might as well have a bulldozer with you that never runs out of petrol. And he has kindness...but he just never learned about personalities like mine. He has a narcisstic mum that got custody of him and it may have helped to have his dad with him...who is an older version of a closer like my partner that learned some wisdom on how his actions affect other people. Anyway...I'm a healer like completely in the other side of the spectrum...not just the kids but the adult's needs are left to me and I don't think they realise that's what is even happening. This description of different personality types help. I think it would help closers to know or understand that emotional labour is like
..labour. it takes so much work and that's why healers burn out.
Sorry but all I heard was
"Hey you love your sister, right ? And you want to have playful, fun and friendly competition together, right ? Well your sister is twisting your own words to hurt herself so we're gonna ask you to stop thinking you're better than her even if it's true cause it's easier to cather for her insecurities rather than help her work through that !"
Seriously, you recognize that your son didn't say so thing to hurt her, to be mean to her. That it's just his way to engage with other and play together
So the problem is not your son, it's not what he's saying
The problem is your daughter twisting and manipulating those words to make them means something completely different.
It's the whole "I love pancake" "ho so you mean that you HATE waffles ??" discussion.
How could it possibly be healthy to not let your son express himself and engage with other the way he's comfortable ? How can it be healthy for him to never be able to say something even if true because his sister would by herself use it against herself ?
My little bro is better at art than me. And my big bro is better at socializing and everything market related. But I'm a better scientists, novelist and mathematicians than them.
It's not a competition. And it doesn't mean that I'm not good enough or that I cannot do art or socialize.
Wow I needed to see this rn. I'm pretty sure my 7yo is a Closer and my 5yo is a Healer. It's like 7yo knows exactly how to "set off" 5yo emotionally. And it's not always that she's trying to be mean.