Tell Your Kids Their Parent Cheated They Said #$h^tTherapistsSay
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- Опубликовано: 3 июн 2024
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Tell Your Kids Their Parent Cheated They Said #$h^tTherapistsSay //
Should you tell your kids that their parent cheated? Here's the thing, and if you watched any of our other videos on divorce, and I've lived this reality, when a marriage isn't gonna work, right, and divorce is the solution that both partners have decided on, the most important thing in that playing out in a healthy way is to focus on the children.
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00:00 Intro
00:38 Focusing on the kids
03:21 Personal healing
04:22 When NOT to tell
06:03 When to tell the kids
10:04 Love Actually
11:46 Parentification
#infidelity #mendedlight #jonathandecker
• Tell Your Kids Their P...
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“What did the kids deserve?“ They deserve to be told the truth in a developmentally and age-appropriate way. They don’t deserve to be lied to.
Agreed! And I think the most important thing here is that if there has been an affair, it is almost guaranteed that other people know. Be that family or community members or family friends.
Importantly!: You DON'T want SOMEONE ELSE telling your child that their parent had an affair!!!
If other people know, that is very likely to happen at some point. That is awful for them. They deserve to process and understand this life changing knowledge with a safe parent. And almost guaranteed if they cheated, the cheater is very unlikely to be a safe parent in most circumstances. Certainly, they are guaranteed not to have the children's best interest at heart. The safe parent needs to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way and give them the time and space to process their emotions before seeing anyone else who knows.
As a child of divorced parents, I have always wished they could each take accountability for their own part in the end of the relationship, including any infidelity, and not try to shift the blame to each other.
When I was 12-ish, I knew my mom was having an affair. I remember her getting off the phone with her lover one night and I started crying. She asked me why I was crying and I told her I knew she was cheating with the man on the phone. She denied everything, even though I was crying and pleading with her to be honest with me. She instead told me that I was crazy to ever think that about her. She made me feel foolish and like I was making stuff up in my head. I am 32 years old and, to this day, my mom refuses to admit to me that she was having an affair. My siblings and I all know that she did because she told my brother the truth, but she did not tell her daughters for some reason. My brother, of course, told us we were all correct. It’s ridiculous how parents think children are stupid and they can’t tell when things are bad in a marriage. My mom never apologized to me for lying directly to my face and making me feel like I was insane. The sad thing is that, even as a 12 year old, I would have empathized with her and I would have wanted her to be happy. I knew the type of man my father was and I would have understood why my mom felt she needed to find love elsewhere. But my mom never thought enough of me or respected me enough to tell me the truth. And she still doesn’t.
Similar situation for me right now
one of my best friends was actually the one to find out that her dad was cheating on her mom :( so she was in this horrible position of having to tell her mom and then her dad was mad at her for not going to him first. just so messed up.
Not the same thing, but my father asked me to keep affair-related stuff from my mum. (I was around 14.) I couldn't keep it from her for long and told her about it. He ignored me for 2 straight weeks as punishment.
@@hakura1a2b this is awful :( parents should be our safe place. i'm sorry you had to go through this
The exact same thing happened to me as a child 🥲
I appreciate the well-meaning place this is coming from.
However, speaking as the daughter of divorced parents, I would actually feel a very real sense of betrayal and dishonesty if I wasn't told. One of my parents, after all, had just been deeply unfaithful, in a manner that placed their own selfish needs above mine, given that what they did destroyed their marriage, and with that, my ability to have parents who remain in a loving, committed relationship.
Yet I was being lead as a child to believe that the parent who cheated is the faithful, trustworthy person that they're not, one who would never dream of placing their own selfish desires above their love for me, when that's simply not true. I would far rather have a parent who, after partaking in such a grotesquely selfish, dishonest act like cheating, an extraordinarily selfish act that has had such a devastating impact upon my life, had the strength to look me in the eye, and tell me, "I'm so sorry I did something so disgustingly selfish that I hurt you, by placing my selfish desires above my need to do right by you as your parent. But, I do love you, and I am going to do everything in my power to work on myself, and change for the better, to become the truly unselfish parent that you deserve." That, for me, would be far preferred to my living the lie that one of my parents was this unselfish, trustworthy person that they're not, and is most certainly an apology I would feel I was owed by them, assuming that I was of an age where I was old enough to understand what had happened. Saying this to a child too young to really understand would of course be wrong, although I think they would be owed such honesty once they were old enough to understand. To me, a strong relationship can only ever be founded upon transparency and honesty, because that is the only way that real trust can ever be built.
I do agree really young kids don't need to be told but once you get into teen years they can be told something they don't have to be told everything but they are at an age where they can understand what's going on
@@divax0x060 Right! I mean...my parents left me completely in the dark about why they were divorcing, and I hated it! My parents are breaking up, and I don't even get to know why? At least tell me something! Don't leave me completely in the dark about the reasons for one of the most traumatic experiences in my childhood! So often, too, kids blame themselves for their parents' divorce, and, as long as the child's not dragged into the fight, knowing the reasons why their parents divorced can really help them know that they're not to blame for it, and more easily work through the trauma of the divorce by knowing what happened! You can let the child know what went on, while reassuring them that none of this is their fault! Plus, when it comes to cheating, what if the cheating parent decides to marry the person they were having an affair with, because they know that you haven't been told that that person was the one they were cheating with? I would be livid if I spent my childhood thinking my step-parent was a decent person, when in reality they were the one who cheated with my parent they're now married to, and caused the divorce! Transparency, openness, and honesty are always the way to go in any relationship!
100% agree. I’m a child of divorce too, and you hit the nail right on the head there
@@panicatthedogpark First, I'm sorry to hear you had to go through dealing with your parents getting divorced, too! ❤️
And, thanks! I appreciate your taking the time to listen, and I'm so glad it was helpful! I really love this channel--Jonathan and Alicia are absolute sweethearts, and this channel has done so much to help me heal! But something about their advice here just didn't sit right with me. So, I took to RUclips to write out my thoughts, because writing about what's on my mind really helps me to make my thoughts clear, and that's what I came up with. Makes me smile knowing you and others found it so helpful! I'm really glad that you did! ❤️
Another thing to consider is that if other people know, the child deserves to hear it from you, the safe parent. Not from another family member or family friend. Children deserve to know in an age appropriate way, they don't deserve to be lied to, especially because they are also always more perceptive than we believe too.
I have always thought it should be the responsibility of the one who cheated to tell the kids- assuming the children are of an age where they can comprehend. Like, it should be part of the cheater's taking responsibility and accountability for their choices and actions.
No?
I agree. I think the theme of this video is that one parent doesn't use it as a weapon to create a divide between the children and their spouse.
solid advice from these two. I'm a product of divorce. Never saw my parents fight until after the divorce when all hell broke loose. Constantly put me in the middle, my father took me on detective missions to follow my cheating mother. My mother manipulated me into hating my father for revenge. Over all, horrible to deal with as a 12 year old. End result? I choose not to have a relationship with my mother, my father passed away 10 years ago and we had a good relationship (but if he were still alive I would ask him to apologize for the things he did during that time (and I'm confident he would). My mother won't acknowledge the pain she caused, gaslights me and is overall toxic, thus my choice not to have a relationship with her. Moral of the story: learn to coparent and/or get therapy. And NEVER talk bad about your ex to your children.
I feel the need to say that if I was a child in this situation, and I was not told, I would be absolutely devastated and furious if I found out later. If, say, my father was the cheater but nobody told me, and I spent YEARS having a close, loving, intimate father-daughter relationship with a man that I later found out cheated my mother? I would feel betrayed and... scammed? deceived? manipulated? into a relationship that I would otherwise not want. That would not be a kindness towards me. That is absolutely not what I would "deserve".
How are you now do your parents still together how is your relationship with your parents now?
@@Salinischiyuda To be clear, this was a hypothetical! My parents have been happily married for over 35 years, I'm very close with both, and I'm not aware of any infidelity at all.
@@sabrinagranger5468 happy for you🐈⬛️
How can you be considered a good parent but your a terrible spouse or wife and treat your partner horribly ? You can’t possibly be a good parent selfishly destroying your family willingly inflicting harm with care
The kids dont deserve to be lied to though either though. The betrayal i would feel to find out later in life that it was hidden
I'm so grateful y'all brought up parentification. I grew up forced in that role and as an adult it feels nearly impossible not to feel responsible and moreover,scared, for everyone's wellbeing
I stayed with my wife for another 3 years after she cheated. She asked for the divorce. She told the kids that she cheated, but made it my fault to the kids that she cheated.
That's messed up :(
I had a coworker and friend whose husband cheated on her and she filed for divorce but didn’t want to tell the kids for the reasons you stated, but her husband really didn’t want a divorce and as angry she wouldn’t try to work it out. So he tried to force her or get back at her by telling the kids the divorce was something mom wanted and he wanted to keep the family together and that she was doing it cause she wanted to be single and didn’t love their family anymore, stuff like that. She got so frustrated she cried at work one day and said she broke down and told the older boy that it was cause dad cheated , he didn’t take it well and felt like he was lied to by both of them for months. Cause of the divorce she ended up moving away and we lost touch , but it sounded very messy and hostile especially since most of the hostility was one sided she wanted to make it quick and do what was best for the kids. I would say this advice was really good especially the end part where you point out it’s a rule of thumb and as a parent to decide what is best for your kids cause I think she was given the first part and refused to change course till more damage was done.
Its about the children not about you as a adolt is such a good principle for parents inside and outside marrige.
I have a vivid memory of my parents fighting, and the next day, my stepdad flat out told me while crying that my mom had cheated on him, plus all the cuss names, but I will never forget how toxic it felt because I know now as an adult my mother was unhappy, we all were and my step dad was trying to get me on his side. I never chose a side I stayed mute until I move out.
Is it appropriate to tell children about abuse towards them when they were too young to remember if they are sad that the other parent has made the choice to remove themselves from the kids' lives? Would it help to know that the parent that they don't have a relationship with wasn't worth having a relationship with at all?
This probably depends on the child's age and maturity. As a random person on internet, I would carefully worded explain how you discovered the abuse and fear and worry over the child's safety. Case by case basis though. I would try to avoid making the other person a devil but a troubled person who might need alone time.
I believe absolutely yes, so long as you are telling the kid with the interest of the kid at heart, not because you want to extract emotional value from the kid and get more exclusive love or something.
I was told by the non cheating parents about the cheaters infidelity and that they would be getting a divorce when I was 9. I'm glad that I was told right away, but I wish that I hadn't known certain details (i.e. how long the affair had been going on, how terrible the non cheater was feeling, etc). I didn't need to know those things and it just made me resent the cheater even more. I also wish that the cheater would have been present and admitted it to my brother and I themself. according to both my parents, that was actually the original plan but the NCparent was afraid the cheater would downplay everything and gaslight everyone in the room 🤷🏼♀️ I understand the fear, but I really wish they both were there because they would have kept eachother in check in front of their children and made sure we got fair and appropriate information. So I'd say tell the children if they are old enough to understand, but make sure both parties are there.
Thank you for sharing your experience as it is the one that I can most relate to. I heard the news when I was around 6 or 7(maybe a bit too young), by only one of my parents who at the same time was really detailed, which imprinted a lot of their opinions on a maybe too young of a mind, and tried to express how besides the cheating the other parent was a really loving and caring parent. This same pattern of ambiguity repeated for years, which made me really ambivalent about the cheating parent, and took me years to adjust and build a more impartial view of both of them.
My parents divorced when I was 15. Noone was having an affair, but both really brouth out the worst in each other. It was an ugly divorce.
We vere lied to (mother told us father did not want to have any contact with my older sister and me, father told me (after 8 years no contact, which I decided to break) that mother had told him we kids did not want to see him. Until today I don't know the truth. And the maybe saddest thing about it is that I can see both being capable of such a lie.
I was also parentificated by my mother a lot growing up. Very complicated relationship. She also had BPD.
I'm mental-health wise seriously messed up from my childhood, both the years before and after the divorce. Things change big time by the blink of an eye, but it stayed terrible.
As someone who's parent told me every aspect of the infidelity the other parent did to create a wedge between parent and child, Thank you
My family ( all of us) found out on our Family Vacation. My husband gaslit us all once we got home. He denied that it was anything mire than "just friends." To this day, 4 years later, he has strained relationship with me ...and our family.
My point- if you are caught just confess and ask for forgiveness or leave the marriage. Don't gaslight !!
The worse thing to do is use it against the other parent to make yourself the "better" or chosen parent. There's a lot to be said though if it's discussed in a healthy way with the children that they understand that parents make mistakes and it doesn't change the love and devotion they have for them. They get to learn that they can choose to love rather than hate and it will flow over to other relationships in their lives.
The other thing is if the spouse is aware that it's a dealbreaker for the marriage, they may have the affair to get out of the marriage. I had a relative do it that way and that was even upsetting for me to know as an adult. I thought what a cowardly, immature thing to do. It really is a test of one's own willingness to forgive and let go even when not directly in the situation. Everyone is on good terms and the divorced parents get along as friends now (it took them a few years to get there). It sure does make it easier on the kids and the extended family when people move on and can be nice.
My parents divorced after 26 years pf marriage last year. Separated in 2021 for good. Infidelity was known by me from early on, years before separation The other parent justified their actions by revealing apparent infidelity from the other parent not realizing that I do not care who did what. I just can’t stand either of them right now. I truly resent both of them and the situation and the fact that they didn’t divorce earlier and saved all of us the trouble. Instead apparent lack of love was met with pettiness. It will take me a while to forgive them even though I’m an adult
I feel like there's some major dishonesty in this. I think it would absolutely need to be age appropriate and carefully done but not hidden. I just feel like I would feel betrayed if that had been hidden from me.
I know someone who was told about their step dad cheating on their mom when they reached high school. And the cheating had happened when my friend was in elementary school and she didn't know because they hid it fairly well. But when she was in high school, after hearing this, she started noticing all of her step dad's disresepects towards her mom. And it really bothered her. So, she always just came over to my house because she couldn't stand it. Her mom severely miscalculated. And she told me that her siblings forgave him, but I think that they couldn't handle it and like tried to like forget the information.
I was the kid in this situation and even though I was 26 it still caused significant trauma
Glad to see parentification acknowledged because it's so damaging to kids.
Hi Alice and Jonathan,
I just got the news a few days ago that some friends are getting a divorce. I don't know the reasons yet. But it's a big shock as they always looked and acted as a beautiful and healthy couple, an example for me. The one you would never expect to divorce... I'm still grieving.
They have two beautiful daughters. I hope things go well for all of them.
Good advice but only if both parents are invested in the children. My kid’s father is only invested in his new relationship and has been emotionally and physically absent from his children’s life. It’s hard because I was powerless and couldn’t stop the pain and damage he was causing our kids. Now they are teenagers and my daughter told me that she always thought that her dad didn’t like her and it’s impacted her self esteem enormously.
So do you just never tell the kids? Because as person who found out about their parent's infidelity as a grown adult from someone who wasn't my parents it felt like someone had punched me in the throat. I would have rather had it explained to me by my parents when I was younger in an age appropriate way.
Thank u so much for this video guys, when my parents got divorced I saw that my mom needed someone emotionally so I just wanted to help her and then things just got harder emotionally, and she would often make me choose sides. And when I got to a point where I told her “hey mom I just can’t do it today” and all she said was that I was fragile, and sensitive, and said how could her own child be so weak. And that was the end. I know she never meant to hurt me but she did.
Very concisely said, love your videos as always, Mended Light. I'm still learning about myself and the impact of my parents' divorce and conflict over this. You help me envision the person I want to be and how I'd want to raise my future kids.
My mom has always made me spy on my dad (still does) because he's definitely a cheater. I was their marriage therapist and would chase her in the streets because my dad wouldn't and keep her company because she didn't want to get back home when I had finals within 4 hours or so. I still got berated by both of them for getting A instinct of A+ 😂
She would tell me to tell him that she fainted, wouldn't eat and all sorts of stuff to make him feel bad, while he blamed me for her depression and kept yelling at me for talking back to her because that's what caused her depressive, not him cheating. I'd cook, clean, do all the house chores because she was too upset to do anything and if he came back home with any of the chores undone he would fight with us, making their marital state worse. I'm 26 years old as of tomorrow, and they still utilize me for their fights 😂
😔
What an abusive pair. I hope you’re okay
@@ludmilamaiolini6811 I'm trying, it's not so easy with them around, now targeting me. But I'm trying.
I think its depends on the age of the kids. If they’re young children I’d say don’t tell them but like teens and up should get the truth. My dad cheated, and I would not have wanted that hidden from me.
Children are more perceptive than many adults are willing to acknowledge. Especially children who are emotionally sensitive/intelligent. For example, in the TV series Young Sheldon, the daughter Missy sees the red flags that both her parents are having emotional affairs. She confronts her dad, George, about possibly having an affair with the neighbor, Brenda. She also knows about her mother's, Mary, attraction to Pastor Rob. Missy's suspicions are correct. If a child suspected or was aware of the infidelity leading to divorce, then in my view, it is vital to validate the child's perception in an age appropriate manner (as noted by another commenter) and be prepared to answer questions, such as "why did you lie to me?" Or "Did you really think I didn't know?"
I was very confused when I saw the title, as I thought it meant you should just lie to your kids
I'm all for parents being mindful about how they tell their children and working out some of their own inner hang-ups beforehand so that doesn't get thrown on the child... but as a child of divorce, if my parents had the option to commit a lie of omission and had taken it I would not have had an easy time forgiving that. (They couldn't in my case. I'd already met the extramarital partner long before.)
This video spends so much time focusing on how sharing the information could be used for manipulation that it seems to forget that withholding information is also a form of manipulation. Refusing to speak about something that absolutely does impact the person you're withholding the information from can be every bit as selfish/manipulative as wielding the information inappropriately. The kid deserves to know why the things that are happening in their life are happening ; if you're at the point of divorce, you're at the point of it impacting the kid's life. They also deserve to know who the people they're being asked to love/trust are, flaws and all. I can build a relationship where I love/trust someone even with their flaws, IF they admit to them. If I find out they played cover-up with their flaws/mistakes later then whatever relationship we had will be rendered hollow, phony, and damaged in my eyes. Withholding the information provides short-term relief for the 'at-fault party' or any parent who just doesn't want to have a difficult conversation, but it's only kicking the problem down the road to be encountered later... and it's gonna pick up extra trash and get messier as it goes.
I'll tolerate delays if they're necessary for the adult(s) to be in a good place for having the conversation, so they can get therapy or talk it out between themselves beforehand. But that's it. The ideal is getting to a place where you can have a healthy, honest discussion with your kids. I have to imagine there's some sort of family counseling you could use to help you do this well, too, in the event that you need support to navigate the issue in a sensitive and age-appropriate manner.
So what do you do when your wife commits adultery with your son's deceased mother's ex-husband and tries to replace you with him as the father of both children in the marriage. I NEED ADVISE
My parents split for about a year when i was 9 or 10 and after therapy get back together for another 10 years until they split up completely and got a divorce. When we were young they didnt tell us that my dad cheated, but i was told about it by my mom when i was an adult. It is still making a difference in my relationship to my dad, but i am glad i know now and that i didnt know as a child. So i think they did it the right way, even though my dad could have be the one to tell me about it
Me and brother are adults now, but when we were kids our parents were always going through something, but most of the time mom was always putting down dad and still is. They were divorced once but they got back together because I wanted them too, but I still can’t help but feel like their relationship is my fault. Even though my dad never admits nor denies of infidelity and I don’t believe it, but my mom is so stubborn to believe she’s always right and say the girl she believes is my dads mistress is poking her and sadly my mom has always told me how dad treats her but I can’t help but feel that she’s trying to victimize herself and make dad a villain or a least won’t let go of the first incident and sadly driving him into the arms of another woman. Now my brother act like he should treat women like maids and sadly I’m having trouble trusting my spouse especially when he’s alone with other women. What should I do?
Honestly I think it depends on person to person. I say as a teen who's mom has veen cheating for over a year at this point, hearing it over their fighting and realizing that things aren't gonna be the same absolutely broke me. I have a weird relationship with my parents now and it lead to a really bad destructive coping mechanism (around thst time too I was getting manipulated by a peer).
I don't know how it'd be if I was told or if rhey kept it completely hidden. I just wish things were back to normal lol
I was fortunate that I was an adult, as was my brother, when one of my parents had an affair.
Same, I was in college and away from home, which made things a little less awkward at least
My sister committed infidelity on her now ex-husband, unfortunately. It certainly was a rough time, because our family heavily disapproved of the new guy & we really liked her ex-husband. The new guy is also...not a great person...but, the silver lining is that all 3 do try their best on a parent level.
The exs' are civil & cooperate in a shared custody. Ex-husband is now okay in the presence of them both. They're definitely not friends, but all 3 cooperate in making sure my niece gets what she needs. All 3 attend & host her birthday parties & whatnot, for example. As far as I'm aware, the new guy never asserted himself as a father/parental figure on my niece (especially since she was in the double digits at the time of the affair), so their relationship is stable.
She knows what her mother did was not acceptable, but she doesn't hate anyone (as far as she's expressed & what I've seen from her behavior). Though, there may be some trauma on a subconscious level since she's never expressed any interest in dating period (or she's just asexual/aromantic, which considering her interests are like a copy of mine is entirely possible since im also asexual). Still, for the most part, I give them props for being able to move past that whole situation & raise my niece
Depends on the age, but once they are old enough to understand, tell them. I was lucky enough to have my unfaithful parent own up to it right away and because of that, the mere fact that I’ve known this whole time holds them accountable for their actions and changing themselves even when I’m not actively doing anything. Cheating is nothing but lies. A whole lot of lies. That parent no longer has the right to tell more lies, no matter the justification. If we allow lies to continue, how do we know they won’t keep lying and lying because they don’t want to see disappointment and upset in the faces of the ones they love (which is just horrible. They could start to love someone that doesn’t even exist. So much deceit). They made the bed, they must lie in it or they will never even attempt a change in themselves.
My parents broke up when I was 10. I was maybe told thongs far too younge and I was made to keep secrets for years. However I would have wanted to know those things that happened but I don't know what age and definitely not been made to keep secrets
Would you talk about how children can forget the cheating parent? I was 18 when my father confessed to having another family (my sisters were older), and the most common comment I heard was that I was too old to be angry at my father. 18 years have passed, and my mother didn't want a divorce (a woman of her time), they do not get along very well. I talk to my dad and we have a cordial relationship, but he has not acknowledged that he hurt me and my sisters as well, so I know I have resentment and I definitely do not trust him.
What about if the parent was abusive towards you?
For all those going on with their personal experiences trying to use that as an argument that this advice is wrong; from my perspective it actually proves this to be right.
Children are observant. They are smart; but your healing process shouldn’t depend on them. Your child shouldn’t be your therapist…your child needs to go through their own as well.
See I'm sorry.... I'm not going to be ok with my spouse all of a sudden bringing his affair partner around for celebrations. Because I'm going to be distressed and they deserve to know why I hate their "step parent." And I'd handle it as "this woman had no boundaries and kissed your dad knowing he was married." I will absolutely tell them in that way. That woman deserves zero respect or relationship with my kids
what if he never took care of the kids?
My brother cheated on his now ex-wife, and their son (who is in his early teens) has been told enough that he's practically hated his father at times, and thinks he needs to take care of his mother. I can see how telling the kids could be a bad thing, thanks to their situation.
What advice do you give when one parent cheated and has an addiction they refuse to get therapy or treatment for?
You have to separate first. And not to include his children and the kindergarten of the grown-ups, what kind of beings are you?
Mended Light: straighten that lampshade! Also, great video, as usual! 👍
Child of divorced people here, yea can confirm. That advice is absolute dogwater.
One of my parents cheated on the other, let's call them "Bad Parent(tm)" and "Good Parent(tm)". I grew up with the "Good Parent(tm)", a vitriolic, spiteful person, drilling into me what a horrible person the "Bad Parent(tm)" was. Here's the kicker: My facial structure looks so much like that of the "Bad Parent(tm)", that I got confused for them in public multiple times in my adult life.
The sheer amount of self-loathing and outright self-hate I had to work my way out of and still am working my way out of is the kind of life chore I wish on next to noone. Where it got really... effed up... was when the "Good Parent(tm)" would straight up weaponize the sentence "You're just like Bad Parent(tm)!" as a catch all "disciplining" tool, since it got me to shut up in arguments and fights, specially when I had some form of a valid point.
End of that part of the story was after moving out of their region and going through a series of escalations, I cut off contact with my birth family as a whole, because that whole family is very much a hierarchy by age or generation and people would blindly side with the Good Parent(tm), because they've always been the good one whose been unjustly hurt.
I guess bottom line is: There's layered stuff to this, but keep children out of the crossfire of a divorce or other ending relationship, 'cuz if you had a child with that person you're breaking up with and you aim to make that person out as Bad for any reason, you'll plant the thought of "Wait... I'm at least half that person. So what does that say about me?" in that child and you will hurt it for life. And if you're the kind of person who has enough spite in them to take that as an ok casualty: Give that child up for adoption this instant because you are not fit to not-destroy a literal innocent young person and you should not have had children in the first place.
My dads a ho. Only ones of his 4 kids who have the same mom are the twins. I dont know if infidelity was an issue in his previous 4 marriages prior to my mother, but i do know he admitted to cheating but didnt go into details. He told me so i would "stop giving my mom a hard time"
Mind you he allowed this thing that gave birth to me to abuse me while he was turning a blind eye.
Where am i going with this? Time and place. If its a situation where the kid has to know, talk to them about it supportively and make it very clear this is a grown up problem and in no way is it their fault. We fucked up, not you. And tell them you are sorry for putting them in this position!
I don't understand it and you don't have to lie or cheat anyone and also find it funny. You can part peacefully and everything else is and remains easy Just disrespectful and characterless on all levels.
My husbands parents did tell and from how that effected him I would say not to tell till they are adults at least. It made him feel like he was doomed to repeat his fathers mistakes
My ex made sure to tell his kids that their mom cheated on him and that's why they got divorced. It hurt those kids and the relationship with their mom so much, and there was no reason to do it other than it made him look better.
Naturally, he left out the part about how he was and still is a narcissistic and abusive asshole, I guess they get to figure that part out on their own.
Wow. This seems like such obviously terrible advice. I can’t think of any better way to create hostility toward the cheating parent.
Maybe that would feel good for someone who wants revenge or wants the children to share their own anger and pain, but it seems like it would be so damaging for the children and their sense of family.