Surviving the Holidays
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
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How do you deal with the holidays and family drama? What are the healthy ways to create boundaries and be able to feel safe during the holiday season? Watch this video for the top tips and tricks to surviving the holidays.
Next, watch 🎥 Surviving the Holidays 2: Loneliness and Grief
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00:00 Holiday family drama
01:00 Odd man out
06:00 Pushing agenda
12:00 Judgement
18:15 Not responsible for others feelings
#mendedlight #jonathandecker
The part about not being taken seriously being the youngest and the only one unmarried really resonated with me because that is currently my life. Nevermind that I’m the only sibling who got a graduate degree, the only one who has a successful career, the only one who has ever lived independently. They still won’t see me as an adult and it’s just because I’m not married and I don’t have kids. Nothing I have ever done in my life has gotten them to view me as a capable adult because their definition of success or adulting is defined by being married and having kids. I don’t know why they think it’s such an accomplishment considering I see those things as something that any idiot could do…
This definitely resonates with me too! You are not alone. At this point in my 30s, I'm still coming to terms that my family will always be worried about me since I'm the youngest without a partner or children. But instead of thinking of their opinions and agenda on me, I try to focus on what makes me happy and gives me peace... even if it means having to limit my time with them as they may not see (or will never see) the same perspective as I do.
Best wishes to you, I may not know who you are, but I think you're doing a great job and doing your best :)
In addition, I agree with Jonathan; we are not responsible for our family's feelings but only responsible for doing right for yourself and for others you want in your life
@@jeanettegchan Thanks for your comment. I wish all the best for you as well.
I've lived with this for about 35 years now, so I don't think it will ever change. Some of it, I think, is that they think my choices are a rejection of their choices because I'm happy with what I chose to do, and that rejection makes them uncomfortable. At any rate, with parents gone, I don't really feel a responsibility to get together with them en masse, and one-on-one works out much better. Jonathan gives good advice, but it's incredibly hard to not react in the same ways when the teasing or belittling questions start. Good luck to all of us 🙂
@@linguaphile42 I believe that as well. Particularly for my sister who has been pressuring me to have children ever since she became a mom. I told her if she was truly happy being a mother, she’d focus more on her own life and less on me and what I’m doing. I do think sometimes she’s jealous that I don’t have all of the responsibilities she has… but I try to think positively and hope that my sister wouldn’t be that petty. I do love my siblings a lot and I try hard to keep a good relationship with them (and I had horrible parents, so they are all I’ve got). All the best.
"Sometimes people can't move past the image of you in their head."
That was powerful, Jono. Thank you for that.
"Your refusal to honor me as a person, and what makes me who I am, is none of my business."
I could have joined my Family for Christmas, but I decided I feel lonely anyway and do not want to feel judged in addition. So I'm at home, eating ice cream, gaming, meditating and sleeping a bunch. Getting to know myself again and spending time with me.
My mother is the same as the one who "Hates everything and everyone." My mother loves me very much and I love her but ever since I got married she becomes very angry and insecure when I start talking about my spouse's family and wanting to spend time with them. On multiple occasions I have invited her to events so the whole family could be together but she refuses and even goes so far as to say things like "why would you even invite me to something like that? You know I don't like those people".
My mother comes from a very broken and abusive home. My father's side of the family, her husband, never really treated her well. So I think this is why she acts the way she does . It did make me weirdly happy to know there are other people who have parents like this. And thank you John for giving your advice. I may have to have a talk with my mother sooner rather than later.
Who ever submitted that question in with being treated differently and not connecting with family been pushed out this resonates with me , I’ve always been treated differently like I was the problem not them , they were happy to push me out take the piss outta me , call me stupid or a weirdo so in the end I was happy to not being noticed , felt I wasn’t allowed to be myself in anyway , so I found my choices were limited and that was fine with me id rather let the festive season pass by than celebrate with people that never wanted me around that might be why I don’t like the holiday season because of being bullied so bad by them 😢
I feel this. Two of my siblings, who had feuded for about seven years, finally made up and used picking on me as a way to bond again. I came to understand only a few years ago that they might love me at some level, but they don't really like me. Holidays are way better with friends, but it took a long time to figure that out.
@@linguaphile42 I am really sorry to hear this sounds to me like you deserve so much better , I find it very saddening to me that they feel they bonded from your your misery and unhappiness as the poor treatment of you , I’m really sorry about that I actually teared up big time in reading this I hope things get better for you I really do =;^;=
@@PoltergeistTears That is so sweet -- thank you. I don't think they realized they were doing it, and also, I kind of weirdly felt like I had to be the sacrificial lamb so the family would be mended, but the resentment really built up in me. Families can be so weird. And yes, things are better now for me, but I'm retirement age, so it took a long time. Very glad that Jonathan addressed this in such a relatable way.
@@linguaphile42 I’m glad things have worked out for the better for you , I hope you’ve got a better relationship with them I really do :3 Jono knows his stuff that’s for sure , he’s an absolutely amazing guy wholesome and warmhearted =^_^=
Appreciate all the helpful tips and the reminder about "its coming from a place of pain..."
I'd really love opinions on how to grapple with people who you believe have dangerous ideologies (like racism & sexism) especially when we're in a captive audience situation like during the holidays, and when kids are around.
I needed this. I got into an argument with my Dad because I pointed out the realism in the family themes in the Casper film. As in my Mum died and he became a single father raising a teenage daughter. The grief is perfectly portrayed in the film in my opinion. He seemingly understood my jokes in the film but when discussing how it made me feel afterwards he became defensive. He denied how I felt and it escalated to what I felt was gaslighting me and trying to convince me that my mum died and it was my fault. It feels like it was all my fault for being bullied by the people in my environment and treated like the scapegoat child - he dismissed the reason I reacted as a pre-teen with running away. His responses made me question my own reality and it hurts because I was learning to accept that it was impossible to cause my Mum's cancer. My mum died when I was 9! I know that my mum died in 2002, so him saying that it happened later when I was in high school is really confusing. I know there's a lot evidence that says she definitely died in 2002! There's something really hurtful in that the conversation about Casper became me questioning reality.
Christmas is a rough season for me. The lights, music, sounds, the ads. It's all very overstimulating for my addled mind. And it was 2 Christmases ago when I had my first anxiety attack. In my room, on my bed, sitting up, holding my heart. Everything is a reminder of what happened that day. And it was the worst day of my life.
Off to a pretty bad start this year. Almost had another anxiety attack yesterday. It's all so much to deal with. This video is just what I need.
Found and chosen family is 100% valid! You deserve to feel safe and loved! If that isn't with your bio family, drop them, or go low contact. Blood is irrelevant. Love is what matters. Your *real* family is waiting for you and will love you for YOU. Dropping (most of) my bio family like the toxic sludge they are was the best, most freeing, wonderful decision of my life. I FINALLY feel like I'm LIVING not just barely surviving. ❤
Amen!
I'm avoiding family events because my mother will be there. She's purposely crossed my boundary several times even after being reminded of my boundary. With me standing up for myself, it falls on deaf ears. I would love to go to family gatherings, but I do not feel safe with her around anymore.
When I tried asking her why she felt the need to do so, she would attempt to redirect the conversation. She isn't occupied with anything else at the times when I ask & she refuses to elaborate. I have a feeling that even if I get the answer, I don't think I'll ever forgive her.
I'm cursed with the good memories of years past, but her lack of respect & boundary crossing is unforgivable.
Thank you for being so humble and having the humility to be teachable. I envy your thick-skinnedness. And also how you fight your cognitive dissonance to do and say what's right. You're doing wonderful things with your platform and you were clearly born to do what you're doing. Keep up the wonderful work, Jono!!
Thank you!
Regarding being the single one, to those who bugged me (not just curiously asked, but cornered and hounded) about my relationship statues, I told them if/when I get married it's because I found a good partner and love them, and not because of outside peer pressure told me to. That's all I can do, and most understand where I'm coming from.
I’ve been the scapegoat in my family, my late husband’s family as well as my Ward. My family is mostly passed away, my late husband’s family I have no contact with. My Ward, I have had to go no contact for a while with the individual who has treated me as a scapegoat.
Here's my master trick for mastering family drama: Not showing up!
My parents don't accept who I am, so I stay with people who do in fact care.
This video comes to the right time! 😊
I have never once received a gift I liked from my Mom's side of the family. When I was turning five we had the only birthday party I've ever had where they were invited and at the end I just broke down crying because I hated everything they gave me.
I would like an Ask Us Anything on Caregiving for someone struggling from mental health difficulties. It can be really difficult to know when and how to intervene when there are signs that cause me to worry about this person's safety, because it's difficult to tell where the line is between "this is me while depressed and it will wear off as it has before" and "I am in physical danger due to my mental pain". And also how to care for yourself as a caregiver/friend in the waiting period while you're worried and not let it consume all your thoughts and time.
This holiday, I've chosen not to attend anything involving my parents. I am so relieved to not have the stress of going home. Maybe I'll have the energy some day to return, but right now, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
Love this Video. For me personally, I used to love the Christmas and New Year's. But in 2018 a Family member(my moms uncle) died. And one of her sister's had a mental breakdown(she always had issues) and then there was this whole Drama, which involved her daughters and everyone kinda chose sides I guess. And well when you're older you start to see things that you weren't aware of before and things. So now basically everyone celebrates on their own. Even in our own house, my other Cousin who lives in the flat upstairs celebrates with his parents, my other Aunt and his Dad downstairs I think. But we(in the middle, my mom, her new Husband,which I also don't necessarily like and me) yeah basically my "Family is split up in little groups. I tried talking for a while but a few *cough* family members are extremely stubborn. I've been to Therapy bc of all the Drama and a few other things too. Now I just gave up, it is what it is. I just don't like the Holidays bc it's just a reminder that my family is all messed up basically.
As someone with hidden disabilities and chronic illnesses I find the holidays stressful. I love the time off but the added societal pressure is tough, especially when it comes from within your family. Someone always has to make a comment, and say that I look fine when I’m in so much pain. The problem with family is that they feel they have a right to voice their opinions about you and give you unsolicited advice. I now choose to just not engage in conversation with them and keep my answers very short to not keep it going. I also spend the most time with the family members that make me feel comfortable and safe, and a few very close friends that I consider family. Surrounding yourself with people that truly care about you whether they are your given family or chosen (some of mine are my husband’s family) is the best way to spend the holidays. Sending love to everyone ❤
Gosh I needed this one today!
Coming from a hurting (I hate the term dysfunctional; how do you even define functioning?) family of 10, I have siblings that all of these applied to. The only one I didn’t find was me 😅
There is a lot of tension and grudges and cold wars between siblings and parents, and navigating it all is hard. Being the one sibling that everyone likes sounds great in theory, but it means that I’m responsible for keeping everyone happy and entertained and juggling quality time with people who can’t stand each other. When fights inevitably break out, anything I say turns into “why would you side with him/her over me?” I love them all, but it’s so painful. I live 6000 miles from everyone, so when I am home everyone wants to spend time with me, but not each other. Finding time for everyone without getting guilted by the others is virtually impossible. This is also my first Christmas married, and my biggest goal this year is to keep from breaking down in front of/ruining the trip for my spouse.
I’m curious to hear your take on the “peace keeper” member of the family.
Clicked so fast lol 😅
A video about how to handle difficult in-laws during the holidays would be great. Thanksgiving was rough for my partner and I, because his extended family have some very different views than us, some of which we find incrediblly ignorant and hurtful. One of his cousins made a racist remark and an argument broke out, and then that cousin's sister tried to defend him using the whole "we all have different opinions" and "it's ok to disagree" spiel. They're also really homophobic, which is really hard for me as a bi person. My partner has been awesome and is always in my corner, but we're both getting really tired of having to ALWAYS deal with this stuff at extended family gatherings. We're reassessing how much time we'll be spending with them in the future, but it is a bit difficult because he comes from a large Middle-Eastern family that's really close-knit.
Safety first
Thank you 🙏❤️
Mine isn't really as serious. I always feel a bit angry as an unmarried single woman expected to buy presents for my brother, his wife, and their two kids, but they just get me one present in return. They're not very well money wise, but I'm not either. Same thing for birthdays. It doesn't seem fair but I'm expected and guilted into it by my parents who I still live with.
Needed this. Thanks
My family sees me as the family child even in my 20s since there's no one else younger than me. That they constantly tell me to come over more (over a thousand miles away). That because I'm the youngest I can work on my life later and should be with the family (most over 50). At least during lock down had a really good reason to say no.
And later they may think that because you have no spouse or children (if you don't) then you should be the one to take care of mom or dad because you don't have a life. Be careful of all the pitfalls. Mostly be strong, set your boundaries, ask yourself what you really want to do, and try to see them one-on-one as that may be easier all around.
Thank you so much for this video. Your words really help me. ❤
You are so welcome
❤
#askatherapist I have a question, for context I ended up having to move back home with my parents, Im 32yrs old and it since moving back its been miserable in a lot of ways. I don’t feel like my parents respect me as an adult, and have this mindset that because I live in their house my autonomy doesn’t matter. My parents are boomers and kind of stuck in their ways. How do I communicate my feelings to them without lashing out, or shutting down and how do I communicate in a way where they will at the very least listen to my concerns without out shrugging them off?
Where is the scene at 13:15 from?
Please make a video about the TV show Fringe.
Pro lifees could argue that reason for fetuscide that we might grow up poor that's taking away the babies choice that if life not absultly perfect its better to be lilled
Please make a video about the anime Mushoku Sensei.