I’m happier when I’m alone. No pressure to be interesting, funny, interested in other people. It took me a long time to accept the fact that it’s the way I am. Mind you I have a few good friends that I see occasionally. Nothing wrong with being an introvert.
figured it out when i was in higschool. Before that i didnt think about it, meaning i like being around people but I also like being alone & doing my things but it doesnt mean i cant be social, so guessing im an omivert.
"A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” ― Arthur Schopenhauer
I used to think I was socially awkward and introverted. So I became a bartender to force myself to be social. Now I realize that I've had the ability to be witty, charming, and successfully flirtacious the whole time. Where the disconnect comes, is my interest in people. I just have a lack of interest in others. It makes forming connections very challenging.
Holee shit you are me? When im working for tips I could charm so many people as a guy. When it comes to socializing outside of work tho? I just don't care. No one has anything interesting about them and they don't even have the passion to explain things that they like. A LOT of people are essentially robots.
I relate to literally every word you said in this video. It's actually really comforting to know that someone else out there has had almost my exact experience.
Its comforting for me too, I really wasn't expecting people to be able to relate so much but it means a lot to know we're not alone in this. So glad that you were able to find this video 🙂
Same here - everything from the parental characters, interests (tiny house - yes! bought a van, joined a book club etc.), and finding lik-eminded people online, to the fears of investing in people IRL only to be let down/the struggle of trying to find connection. Feeling misunderstood is such a lonely place to be, so hope the fact that so many of us totally resonate with what you say helps both you and us realise how valid and shared an experience this is.
I've discovered recently that I have peace and happiness when I am alone. I know how to value myself and protect myself. As a result old stuff I pressumed to be friends with are not around anymore. I am still looking for a community where I can be myself. I know I'll find it. But sometimes I feel fery tired of the search. Thank you for your honesty. Good luck on your journey.
the timing of this video getting in my recommended is scary. yesterday i just had a full out mental breakdown in front of my therapist about how i feel lonely and how i feel like i will never make any friends since im autistic and i have a hard time connecting with people on a daily basis. So thank you for the kind and uplifting words at the end. they really mean more then you think.
Thank you, your comment means so much as I didn't know how much my words could help someone. It must be so hard to navigate the world with those feelings, and I hope that you find happiness and people that understand even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I've learned in my life that building community is around repetition. You mentioned work and school, both activities where you're going to the same place with the same people for sometimes years on end. In my adult life, I've made community through AA meetings, meditation groups, gallery openings, and therapy groups. It gets really difficult to build community when leaving the house is impossible. I live a pretty nomadic life and developed CFS a year ago, which means I'm in a city of strangers who I have little-to-no energy to meet. Twitch communities are good spaces for connection in my situation. Best of luck to you. This is a real classic video format that I miss seeing.
Thats a really good point; I hadn't thought about that way! We have built in potential friends at school and now we're all struggling with where to go. Im glad twitch has been a good place to find connections for you, maybe I should look into that a bit more ☺️
I *really* relate. I didn't even realize until my late twenties that we each have an obligation to show others who we are to a degree, for everyone's sense of security. It just wasn't exemplified by my totally dysfunctional parents so I didn't know.
This is so true! There's so much pressure put on us by society to do this, and if we haven't had safe, healthy role models then this can feel impossible.
@@annamatthews1 it definitely feels impossible, but I feel like I'm dying inside alone even when I spend a lot of time investing in myself and I'm comfortable with my own company. Sometimes it just feels so empty because most of what I do I do alone. Yet actually initiating conversation with someone is so far outside what I'm used to. Probably for the same reasons as this comment. Dysfunctional parents, plus autism. I knew I had to introduce myself but I didn't realise why. Now it makes more sense. The ambiguity is threatening so you introduce yourself. Seems obvious now, and explains so many shitty experiences I've had. It's nice to see other people dealing with this.. kinda
As someone who is going through something similar. I can say that people flow, and most won't stay, or you decide to move on. Stay true to yourself, heal, learn, expand. Stay positive and don't take it too seriously, you never know when, but when it happens, you will know. ❤ I get what you say, it can be overwhelming sometimes.
we live in a lonely age, i guess. seems super easy to fall through the cracks and feel left behind, but it seems to be more of a social trend than caused by personal failure. either way, i don't think we're ever truly alone even when we feel estranged, and when we die, i believe we will all return to one
As someone who has been alone for around 13 years now, i can relate. I have gotten so used to being alone that i don't even know how to properly act around groups of people. So i usually do what i do best, stay to myself. I wish you the best of luck on your future and i hope you find happiness in life. I hope all of us that are truly alone can find some kind of happiness.
I'm in the same boat, I've been single now for about 13 years , I've always had a small circle but the last 5 years or so I have not really gone out or done much with anyone.
I'm 38 and have been that way ever since I can remember. I have only had a handful of friends over my life. One of the best friends I ever had basically drank himself to death. But now I mostly hang out by myself after I relocated to a new area a few years ago. However nowadays I don't really crave people that much. After spending my life to this point seeing how fake and dishonest, game playing, and ill-mannered people can be, I'm just over all that. I just crave some socializing here and there, and usually that's with family. Mostly I value my privacy and peace and quiet, not being interrupted by senseless drama and other nonsense. I have very little tolerance for that stuff. I do get a little lonely though.
5:45 "The thing that made me most happy and content in my life is actually having a better relationship with myself" -- SOOO TRUEE! I also found that it is easier to make honest relationships with other people once you come to accept and love yourself!! Great video - greetings from Mexico!
My parents are a lot like yours and as a result they have zero friends. Their awkward social tendencies made it difficult for me to adjust socially growing up. To this day I still feel like a fish out of water when interacting with most people, but I want to find my community. I made my first friend as an adult last year and want to keep befriending more and more people who can accept me for me.
I'm right there with you. Thanks for posting. I agree with you that we have to do the work within to allow for these connections we wish to have in person. We can't be numb to the loneliness, we must feel our way through to our authentic selves!
Exactly! We can't walk around pretending to being someone we're not just so that people might like us, because it never works out. The one constant thing in our lives is our relationship with ourselves, and we've got to make sure it's strong too :)
In a world filled with negativity, channels like yours are rays of hope. Stumbling upon your video today was a breath of fresh air, and I'm grateful for that. Keep being authentic and true to yourself, as you mentioned. We need more individuals like you on this pale blue dot. Remember, in a society where everyone acts the same, it's your uniqueness that truly makes you awesome. To everyone reading this, embrace your differences, pursue your passions, and be kind, and you'll attract the right crowd. Cheers!
Thank you for such a sweet comment! Being true to ourselves is the only solution in such a challenging world, and I'm so glad that you gained something from my video. All the best :)
⏮Differences embraced. But no one cares, because most people I know are set in their ways and it's disappointing how they conform to societal ills rather than things that make us unique & interesting. So when she talked about something along the lines of people settling into their routines, it stands out as a glaring issue that people just accept... and ignore real opportunities for mutual growth, especially after the pandemic, where so many shrunk their circles and never expanded again. I moved during the locked downs and people still expected me & others to bounce back, even though lots of small businesses didn't. Goal posts keep shifting... Whatever our individual misfortunes or challenges are, the issue isn't any of us.
been 2 years since i moved here. work from home, live in middle of woods, very isolated. church has been the best thing for me to not only meet good people in my community but grow in my faith.
Wow that must be an amazing lifestyle! It's great that you've got your church community, it seems like a wonderful and welcoming space for people of faith x
Nice to meet you. I found that after going through some tough circumstances I became so miserable that I stopped caring about the small things people thought of me. It put things into perspective.
The fact that we tend to feel better alone than around people makes it really hard not to give up on friendships when they can't live up to our expectations. That's one of the hardest parts for me.
It's nice to be able to see someone in a similar situation where they live alone in a city far from friends/family. I know I have people who love and support me, but I definitely agree there's an aspect to being the physical presence of others of friendship that isn't quite easily replaced like some of the other aspects. I hope wherever you are you're doing well, from one isolated young adult to another. We'll get through this.
What an awesome video, truly inspiring and very wise words/message. ❤ I have to agree living a authentic life (true to ourselves, true to others) has to be where it's at if we are to bear fruit for our souls. Much love and respect to you. ❤
Can totally relate. I too was once parasocial. I didnt even notice that all my sense of social interaction came from youtube videos. but i think the way of breaking that curse for me is getting a job with a nice atmosphere and about the same age group.
Same here! When it starts to feel easier just to watch people on the internet, making real connections can feel even more daunting. But I'm glad you've been able to find a workplace that fits in with you. All the best :)
It’s always interesting to hear what other introverted folks think. Sometimes I fear I’m too introverted. I like people, I’m just far too comfortable being on my own and that prevents me from having the drive to reach out to others. One important truth for you younger folks, it does not get easier to make friends as you get older.
Yup, and people will say you don't know how she feels inside. In reality, attractive people get passes every day, especially women, no matter their mental state.
"You will never truly know what being alone feels like" just because she is attractive is one of the most ignorant things I've read today. One day you will learn you are not the only one who has problems.
I can relate, thanks for being so honest. It takes a lot of courage to speak so openly about such tricky topics on YT. It is refreshing to see someone down to earth on this platform.
That's what I was about to type. 😾 It's the way to talk/chat better than randomly hoping to get likes. You do have a lovely soothing accent your voice still echoes in my head. I subbed to see and hear more of you. 🎉🎉🎉
Thank you for opening up about this because I'm the same in so many ways. I never knew how to explain to people exactly why I am the way I am but you put it into words so well!! I didn't think it was possible for someone to have such similar experiences... Perhaps that's the loneliness talking!!
I'm glad you could relate! I find it easier to talk to the camera rather than other humans, especially if I write it down first. You might be right about the loneliness thing, maybe the deeper it gets the more we feel that we are simply alone in everything we experience. But its clear now so many others have felt like this so it's a comfort 😊
I have been true to myself since age 17 and finding friends has been rough. Nobody sticks around after a year or two and I don't attract the kind of people I want. So this subconscious inner human need to have a "community" is just not realistic in this day and age.
Its hard when friendships are so inconsistent, I can relate to that for sure. I hold out hope that a community exists for me, but who knows? All the best to you :)
You seem very aware and and articulate about the situation. I like the idea that friendship is not the only key to happiness. I'm thinking about ways to connect my hobbies to other people, because i wish to enjoy the process. Thanks for making this video!
"Just be yourself" I hate when people say that Yeah. Don't change. Just be yourself and die alone without a single soul by your side. You are an addict? Just be yourself! Embrace your addiction. Embrace your defects, don't overcome them.
I relate to this more than anything. The only place i feel comfortable is in my own room, with no one else, or going outside in nature on long walks, listening to music. But ive noticed that if you keep being alone for long enough, you'll get stuck in your own head, with non stop existential thoughts. Currently struggling with this rn. I too find it very hard to form relationships with others, as if i give up after a certain amount of time for some reason. Been like this for many years now, personally i never felt like i fit in because i have ADHD, and it makes it really difficult to focus on peoples conversations and interests. Found out i had adhd at 14, when i felt it was already too late, as i had lost all my friends. Im 19 now, trying to make friends, and i absolutely feel you. I understand how this feels, it feels like a never ending cycle. But talking to people, especially when you LEAST want to, is what helps the most i think.
Hey, this is so true. We start to feel too safe, too comfortable and we get trapped in that place. I agree about doing things when your least want to, because that can help us expand our comfort zone. I'm a bit older than you but I remember how lost I was at 19, just trying to figure out who I was while trying to find where I fit into society. And with your ADHD journey, its never too late to start learning about yourself so I wish you the best with that!
You have the right attitude, don't stress. You're WAY ahead of most people your age from an emotional maturity perspective. That's REALLY good! :heartsigns:
This video couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I'm at that point we're I'm well established in my career and now I'm at that point in Maslows Hierarchy where I am yearning for community to feel more whole. I have always been a loner and find it hard to be my authentic self because of my upbringing. I also grew up with a parent that wasn't great at emotional regulation or communication, making it very difficult for me to learn the skills essential to form connections. I've been considering blogging or something on the Internet like what you're doing to find my people. Because like you said, I know they're out there. Thank you for posting this and being vulnerable.
It's so hard when we haven't been given those building blocks of communication, especially when it sounds like you're so craving it in your life. Having a blog or vlog has been a great way to connect for me, and I implore you to give it a go. I've been so surprised by how many people relate to what I said in this video, and it may also help you to find that connection, even if just through shared life experience :)
Well at least you have a good career. I'm 38 and have been an absolute loser my whole life as far as that goes. My best year so far was 2022. I made a whopping $41,000. My whole adult life I've had the worst luck ever getting jobs. And on top of that I'm kind of slow mentally, so I have a hard time learning new things.
I appreciate you keeping it 100% real. My greatest regret the past few months has been neglecting my own needs and self to try to fit in with the only company I can find around me at work. These people share neither my values and morals nor any of my passions and interests. Yet I have toiled in futility to gain their approval and validation. At the end I only find myself with none of those things but also feeling more lost, empty and unfulfilled than before. In fact, I see less respect in their eyes for me now. It is a bitter lesson for me but an important one. As brutally awkward as it may feel to be in a crowd you do not belong in, your soul is worth far too much to trade away in hopes of forcing a contrived sense of belonging. Thank you for reminding and reinforcing this message of staying true to myself even at my loneliest.
I used to be really extroverted, but as I've grown older, I've found myself becoming more and more introverted. Reclusive even. But in all honesty, my life is so much simpler now. Less is truly more, but then again my years of extroversion have given me a solid point of reverence by which I can appreciated the calm of an introverted lifestyle. I find that I need more time to myself after seeing even close friends, and I work from home too, so there's another factor to it. Anna, I think it's okay to live a life disconnected from others. Connection, when it is true, is usually seamless and doesn't feel like it requires effort. This is rare though...so as you said, be true to who you are, and follow your intuition on things. It will not lead you astray. It's really okay to live a life others don't understand. We don't owe the world explanations for who or how we are. Go where it's warm. Follow what makes you happy. I think as long as we do that, we'll be okay. Thank you for sharing this, is makes me feel like I'm not alone in my aloneness.
Wow! I can relate to this so much, its almost uncanny. I always hope to find people in real life close to me that understand an can share my passions with. It is great to hear you achieved the same conclusions as I did. Thanks for the video :)
It's so nice to hear you can relate! Sometimes it can seem impossible to find those people but we'll keep on trying 😊 Thanks for commenting and I hope you found some comfort in being able to relate.
Lately I have been enjoying geeking out with my Magic the gathering playgroup every Saturday. I'm so much better than I was before. I've always struggled with anger, ego and vanity. I'm getting therapy to help me better myself. I honestly believe I deserve to be better than yesterday. Your video is amazing and very insightful. God bless you and I hope your journey is amazing
I have been experiencing the same thing as lonely girl who anti-social, depressed, and just want love from other people. Your video will help others out there and let let them know there not alone. ❤
I totally relate and thank you for making this video. It’s funny. I have a very public facing job. No problem speaking to people there etc but very anxious in social settings. I got a visible disability which affects my speech and it’s hard/stressful to communicate in loud environments for me. I am going through a separation at the moment with divorce soon and kinda have very few friends apart from some work colleagues. I am not stressing myself about it and try to make peace myself and accept myself as I am because I am ok the way I am. I think I often seek outside validation due to lacking confidence in myself. We’ll get there! 🙌🏻
Likely because your job is structured to some degree at least. Additionally, it's your profession you're proffering, not yourself, the stakes are much lower.
I can completely relate to this. All through my life I too have struggled to find where I fit in and those that understand me. Though all of us have had different life experiences that have led us one way or another. When I went through my battle of cancer 8 years ago,( family not withstanding), I didn’t really have any friends to help me through it. Though I have met some nice people since then, I still struggle letting people in preferring to keep them at arm’s length, to not let that fear of abandonment and heartbreak of trying to work out what is so wrong with me that others don’t want to be here to help, when I’d do that for them( and for the record I have). The things I’ve learned is that no one is going to have a heart like you or personality or quirkiness you do, as you are completely unique in this universe and just as important as anyone else.
Ive always been a loner. Even when Im with people at school or outside of school, I can feel that awkwardness when Im not that involved to whatever is going on, Im just there, like a 3rd wheel and have no reason to be there. Sometimes I feel like why am I even there.. those that "know" me don't really care about me. They only come around to use me, like when they need something or something that'll benefit them but never for anything fun, once I help them I never hear from them again unless its something theyre looking for or need.. People laugh and mock me all the time. Especially after my ex cheated and broked up with me.. Its like a heartbreak wasnt enough but laughing and mocking me.. thats why I prefer being alone distancing myself from people and the world doing my own things, reading the Bible, my axolotls/fishes, youtube, gaming. Its all I do after I come home from work and hide from the world.
I can relate most definitely, thank you for this. It's hard when you move away from the area you grew up in, trying to find your people. And when you do find someone who "get's you" it puts a lot of pressure on that relationship if they're the only person physically present in your life. I'm starting to realise that making connections, even if they're tenuous, is very important. Then the deeper, more meaningful ones will emerge out of that. That's what I'm hoping anyway! Find the others ☺
im 20 and ive been a loner all my life and i enjoy it. my parents and teachers tried forcing me to get friends but i refused. i never cared for having friends. the right friend for me will come along when they come.
If that works for you then that's great! Others' expectations of us can be hurtful when we feel like they don't get us so good on you for sticking to what felt right for you :)
Hi Anna, I also relate to this as a 26 year old in a similar situation to you. I think my issue also partly stems from having parents who weren't socially well adjusted and didn't provide an example for developing the social skills for making and keeping friends. I also am past my college years without any friends that i still am in contact with, although I had kinda acquaintances while there. I always excuse my being busy and anxious working through a strenuous college program for not socializing, but it was also kinda a lack of interests in most other people as someone else mentioned. Now, I found myself also in another city, but without any ideas for how to make friends in this era of my life. I'm also a bit mistrustful of others because some people can be really shitty. I agree that being true to who you are is the only real way to make true connections, otherwise you are going to attract the wrong people and will eventually fall out due to not having chemistry. It was nice to hear your story. It is brave of you to be vulnerable about your situation on the internet.
The internet has been my primary method of communication and forming friendships for many years, as an autistic man in my 30s. I've never really enjoyed small talk with anyone unless it's a topic I'm actually interested in. I don't even feel the need to say hello to anyone, it's more than enough for me to simply _know_ the other person is there and I don't expect them to greet me. We're just different from neurotypicals and it's time for them to accept it. I'm done trying to change myself for the world, instead the world needs to change for people like us. Neurotypicals have had their control of this world for too long, now it's our turn.
I can relate so much to what you have said since I am kind of wired similar. Thank you so much, for being open, it really helps knowing, that others struggle with similar issues than the ones I am struggeling with. I Think you make really good observations, especially learning to love yourself is so important for being happy. (Little sidenote how I manage to start loving myself, since I could not love myself at all, because I was failing pretty much everywhere in life. I could love others and take care of others but not myself. So I had this idea to see myself as two parts, one was my younger me from the past and one was my older me in the present. I took a picture of myself when i was 10 years old and promised to take care of that little boy. It was impossible to hate a young kid and took care of that young man and I continue to do so. I tricked myself, but it worked for me.) I feel aswell how it gets harder to make friends while getting older. I was never good at reaching out at friends, planning stuff together and going out and I always prefered to stay home and play videogames. I have build my own community there and had friends, but gaming was also an addiction. Space I used to escape from trauma, trauma from my childhood. I quit the game i was addicted for over 10 years, which is great, im feeling awesome! But I realizied I lost also my community and friends to some extend. This will be my last year of uni and I fear I will get even more isolated, so I am activly trying to reach out and build new relationsships. I got 2 good friends im going to the gym with, thats a good start and im very glad I have those friends. But I hope to find new friends aswell. One of my biggest desires though is finding a special someone, a woman, who i can trust, share everything good, which is happening in life( a good meal, a sunset or just a smile), support, ask for help, if need it, and growing as a person together. Well yeah i dont know why i wrote that all down, it felt good! But I better get back to study. Thanks Anna
I always have a thought driving down the road looking at houses with the lights on in them and stuff, and I think, "The people that I would be the bestest of friends with are probably just like me. Cooped up in their house, wishing they had friends to share their interests with." I do have close friends but they all live far away now, and I made them when I was a child. I haven't made a close friend after 14 years old. I am 24 now. I hope I find y'all one day.
I have had a very similar experience over the past year or so. Having not gone to uni and moved away from my home city to start a new job, I think I am hitting the same problem that people have as you described, just at a slightly younger age. For the first year or so I think the internet and social interactions with coworkers wad enough to fulfil, as you describe it, the desire for real human interaction and social connection, however im growing less satisfied by that secluded way of life recently. I think you have described it well that, although things are yet to improve, we can take solace in being aware of the problem and having patience and the faith that things will improve as time passes and now the problem is identified its easier to start to slowly take actions to solve it.
Great video Anna. I have been going through this situation as well. It seems so challenging to find a place that we can go to regularly outside of just work or home to meet people. I found that this subject was dubbed "a third place" and found it fascinating to read about. But reading about it will only get me so far. Decided to write down some goals for myself and try and figure out where those might intersect with a place.
I am exactly living how you described. Basically this whole video was about me, or at least it felt like it. I have a lot of hobbies, but in the real world I basically just do them myself. The couple friends I had in high school have completely different lives now. None of my friends share my hobbies so I end up doing them alone. I find more people online that share my hobbies than IRL. And now that I'm 30 it is so hard and feels almost impossible to try to find a new group of friends that are in my hobby.
I'm 52 this year and although I have some friends, none of them really have the same interests as me. I have known them for many years and that is what really keeps us together. But as far as interests go, nope.
I'm a "loner" too, but I'm not lonely or alone. I am a Sigma male. I totally understand you, but also wish to share that people will take you at face value until you prove yourself otherwise. You can reinvent yourself every single day if you wish. Try a few on for size until you find the one that suits you best. You will eventually find your AUTHENTIC self. Love and light!
I can relate to your point of view and experience in socializing, what I can add to what you said is that you can analyze your daily activities and realize that you might not be visiting many places where you can meet *new* people .. for me I realized that my weekdays are split into working and just recovering from that .. everday .. and I'm sure lots of people have that same schedule in their daily lives .. which keeps us in the same loop of activities meeting certain people in our circle and not being exposed to new experiences .. my interests are more revolved around activities that people would normally do alone and I tried to join other types of activities but I could not meet people whom I could relate to as well which didn't help me in being attached to such activities, I have this hypothesis that maybe I'm simply not an interesting person or could just be boring and that is just fine .. yet it keeps me at a disadvantage in communicating with people as a natural human requirement for life quality .. that is just my experience so far 😁 ...
You sound like me.... I'm a 33 year old teacher and it was a horrible mistake choosing this career... Last year the parents mocked me again by giving every teacher flowers but me a book about communication.... I always did so much for their kids, they treated me worse than shit just because I am a little different and don't like fakery. I have so much love and knowledge to give, I am actually a very interesting person. But more and more I feel like I should just quit everything, I have no one anyway... No one would care.
Damn, this is absolutely brutal. What a shocking lack of empathy from the parents. Have you thought about switching to adult education, i.e. teaching people without helicopter parents behind them?
@@rockapartie I am moving to Switzerland right now in the hopes that the parents here are a little more kind. But I know something needs to change in my career...
I'm glad you could relate, its such a comfort to know that other people share the experience, even though it can feel like we're all dealing with it alone. All the best for your journey :)
On a similar journey. As an expat who moved to NZ. Ive spent years building as many connections as i can and i feel like im settled into a community in the town i moved to.. but still haven't been able to make good friends. It's hard to explain how much i value being accepted into the community while still struggling with intense loneliness at the same ttime. But as you say at this stage of life most opportunities to be forced to regularly meet up with a cohort of people who also have that time blocked off to do the same thing (other than work) have passed by. And work has always been a difficult place for me to make friends.
You are an intelligent interesting person. I’m responding because my life experience may help you. Im 71 now and have a rich social life. In my teenage years and 20s I felt the way you say you do. I felt and was excluded from life for who I was. I made my own decisions and was independent-minded. Often mocked and ridiculed and exploited. Like you I longed for contact. The truth is most people do not have your sensitivity and intelligence. Not until my 30s when I started teaching at a university did I meet anyone like me and felt accepted. Suddenly there were people like me for the first time. You are rare but have a great deal to contribute to life, you just didnt find anyone like you yet. You will. Carry on making your own decisions, thinking things through. Most people dont challenge anything at all, they dont think, they follow the crowd - you are different and have something unique to put in the world. I agree about the Internet - its so rich with diversity. You will find people because your light is shining and others will see it. Be true to yourself, always - its the only way to be true to everyone else. There are many people who live outside of the “community”. You will find them. I wish you success and happiness.
I relate a lot to this, I wonder how much of it is rooted in fear of rejection and dejection. Almost all of my most intimate relationships have had falling outs, and my lifestyle choices almost guarantee I'll never form the type of relationships that ultimately hurt me most.
for whatever it may be worth~ You seem very wise for your young age, and that's so refreshing to see such a beautiful young woman who thinks so very critically.. its seemingly a rare sight these days hahah. I feel as though you are rich with life experience in many aspects whereas others may not be so wise regarding, which is a gift and a curse in may ways. Look forward to reading your book :)
So much things in life that are absolutely absurd, I just would like to finish already. No companionship, No love, No sense of direction I can't live like this my whole life.
The funny thing is you actually can "live" like that for quite a long time. I'm 21 and I've been "living" like this for almost ten years. It's not very fun. And then to think about all the decades I have ahead. That's quite a hit to take when that sort of dawns on you from time to time. Good thing is things can change, but I also believe that some people have a better capacity to change than others and some simply won't manage. You either suffer or you suffer, there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel in sight, but the first many steps involve making conditions for yourself where it makes sense to believe there could at some point in the future be an actual light.
After college it gets so much more difficult to find friends and community, I definitely relate with that aspect. I’ve found some success with joining interest groups in my town. I joined an improv class, and while it was scary, it was a life changing experience and I met a lot of amazing people.
I love being alone. I travel solo every year. I travelled with a friend a couple of times and I didnt have as much fun. I don't have many friends anymore. My two closest friends passed away within a year and a half just recently. And my other friends got married. We are still in contact but don't see each other very often. I have made friends on my travels. When I go away in the summer I will see them again so even though I'm solo travelling I wont be totally alone. I travel to the same destination most years.
Very glad I spent my high school years skipping class and making lifelong friendships & memories. If I had cared about being responsible I’d never have the community of friends that has made my life so great
This is so cool to know there are others who are like this too. It helps not feel so awkward. I love solitude and being alone with my own company. I have a very small circle of people that I can be around and not feel drained.
Even if I would like to have friends, I am almost completely incapable of building friendships and especially doing friendship activities in a consistent way.
I only want a few close friends. a million friends means so much small talk and party invitations you'd rather not get. some ancient thinker said "a friend to all is a friend to none". We're all wired differently, I find solitude delicious and at the very least so much better than company that takes effort. I am also weird and socially awkward but fully appreciate the privilege to experience the bizarre. keep thinking, keep going within, become a person of substance.
It's an experience and the truth is that you can get the best of both worlds. Due to my profession and my family centric culture, when growing up i was forced to socialize, i can recognize social cues and developed emotional intelligence with a maturity beyond my age however i am an introvert, a loner, it is exhausting for me to be a good listener, talker and friend. It is extremely easy for me to make friendships and be likeable but it's tedious and even boring at some points, so many times i've been asked to go to parties, weddings and whatnot most of them rejected, pretending to be busy when in reality i just want to be in my home, listening to music, reading a book while drinking a nice cup of hot coffee. In my case finding community is not an issue but also not the goal, the goal is being happy, humble, grateful while helping others and keeping my mental health in peak condition. The goal is also to feel comfortable under my own skin and still share my time and interest with others while keeping my own slice of time, in silence (or listening to music) to ponder on the human condition/experience. Life is good with and without company when you are a loner.
I am in the same boat as you. 34, have been to so many events, nights out, meetups etc, but I always find myself struggling to integrate. I do have a very small circle of friends, and I am happy by myself, but it's deflating to want to be a part of something bigger but never fitting in.
Firstly, something I very much understand and may become clear as you read this. It's also worth remembering, for anyone reading, there us a different between being alone and feeling lonely. The first is spending time with yourself, actively doing things that you enjoy, which could involve just having a nice cup of tea/ coffee and watching a good movie, reading, painting and a whole host of other things. Being lonely however is feeling a need for the company of others, wanting to be with someone you can share your thoughts, dreams and passions with ir maybe just simply talking about things going on in the world. It may become something that you would like to go further, to become a relationship and perhaps share your life with them as well as intimate and loving moments. Anna, it's completely understandable why you feel as you do with the things you've discussed in this video. As you know, from the point of your father who I believe you mentioned has Autism, he has a difficult time recognising social cues right? Now I don't know if you yourself is on the spectrum somewhere yourself and if you haven't already done so, it might be worth you getting tested for it too as I believe, although not 100% sure, but it might be hereditary. There are also other things that can cause a similar problem. I do want to point out at this stage that I am by no means a professional in any way, these are simply things I've learned in my life and things that may help or you might want to look into more so please, take the advice as you wish. As we grow up, we can, because we spend time on our own often and don't feel we mix with others well, miss out on learning important and natural things that others learn. For example, we might not learn how to ready cues of others, body language, which I'd very important in communication. This can be not only in the form of how a person is sitting, what their hands are doing as they speak etc but also micro cues our muscles make that help us understand and empathise with others. There are also cues in out voice tone, volume, and other intonation that give us hints to a person's inner world and state of mind. Not having learned these things naturally, can make us, seen different or odd to others. Others often feel something is off with us but don't feel like they can quite put their finger on what it is. If they can then its because we don't act in ways others do because we lack that natural instinct to know when the right time for some things are. These things can feel uncomfortable to others and maybe make you seem strange to them. This doesn't in any way make you a bad person, it simply means there are things that need to be learned to make things easier. Another problem can be that when we spend so much time doing things alone, we can become stuck in the habit of doing everything we wan our way. While it's fine when on your own or in your own home, that doesn't go so well in social interactions. To others we can seem selfish or unthoughtful, cold or uncaring. When out in the world, observe how others interact and watch the dance between them as they engage with one another. See if you can determine whose in control of the interaction or whether one trusts the other or not, make it something of a game to see if you can figure out who these people are to one another and what lead you to thinking that. Of course, don't stare while doing this as that can make people uncomfortable to, just notice as you glance around. For now, I hope this helps.
Since Halloween is now around the Corner there is a song called La Cuerva de La Petaca about a Witch who turns into a Crow At Night in Linares Nuevo Leon Mexico sung by Carlos y Jose on RUclips video
I've pretty much given up on being social. I've tried being a part of different communities but sooner or later I feel like it's pointless and I'm just alone in the crowd feeling anxious or bored. When I quit coming around no one seems to care. I don't even have online friends really. I have a couple people irl but I prefer my own company most of the time. I think about going to different events and things but when the time comes it sounds like too much and I usually pass it up.
I appreciate you having the courage to share your struggles. Very nice job on the book as well! Definitely difficult to find people with the same interests. I'm super passionate about conservation and minimalism. I joined the committee for the crown and jewel of our town which is a park that used to be an animal petting zoo. Nobody my age is on the committee though and I don't think there are many people that volunteer in that area so I'm kind of back to square one there. Luckily I enjoy it though and It's nice to be able to volunteer around the park because I genuinely want to and care about it, not because I feel like I have to. People our age that think like us are very few and far between as I've been finding out since graduating a couple years ago.
@@annamatthews1 you get to feel the same oxytocin dumps or pain of losing a friendship…but with a hollow core knowing that they disappear from your life when the internet or power goes off.
Just came back from a month in China. It highlighted how hostile the structure of this place (Aus/NZ/US etc) is to the maintenance of social contacts. Even if I have great friends, distance and schedules constantly antagonize our relationships. In a place with high population density, large numbers of family and friends are within walking distance, making "community" effortless in comparison.
I like my time alone, too much people forget it, it's not me. I turn on the radio and need to listen to voices and keep myself busy with chores, tv, gaming or something else. That said, being alone all time is not fun, I get scared I will get sick or die alone. I now have a real friend for the first time since a kid, my other friends by default were my cousins. Alcohol played a big part to numb myself from loneliness and depression. I try to improve every day / year, takes a few risks, let people in, and maybe something better will come. I was always the odd one yet not really, just quiet and a good listener, and I'm older so I'm not as shy, or scared to voice my opinion, I guess we call this being more wise with age. Take some risks, let people in your life that want to be and try to enjoy everyday, that's all we can do.
I just came across your channel and I subscribed instantly! You remind me of myself a lot. I'm trying to speak on some difficulties that myself and others have had with socialization in recent videos, but your videos capture that essence even better than mine :)
I've always been very social, but have always found it difficult to form friendships. When I was a kid I'd make friends with others but would often find I was frozen out from groups, and it hurt real bad to know that a group of friends would go off and do something but you weren't invited. And even to this day that hasn't really changed. I've come to accept that there's something about my character that always pushes me out of the 'circle'. So, I guess by default I am a loner, but one that's definitely not happy with their own company lol.
There's different kind of relationships and "friendships." Once and awhile its good to make effort to find commonalities and understand people you're generally curious about. And it's a good idea to be open and available for people who may be curious about you. No one needs to make friends with someone just because they're there.
In my late teens through my early 40s -- before the internet enabled us to know that others had the same problems we did -- I was a loner in terms of social interaction. I was professionally successful and had lively interactions with co-workers and job clients, but after work, I usually hid. Since 2010, I have come out of isolation and had some genuine social connections, which I initiated. And I have learned that friendships can be healthy or burdensome. They can weight on us, as well as lift us up. I'm still trying to sort things out.
I can definitely relate. I regularly go several days without talking to another living person, and this is by choice. I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I'm not a misanthrope, there are many lovely souls out there. I just simply enjoy solitude and don't need another person to make me feel complete. One hour a week of talking to some friends on Discord is enough socializing for me. There is a very interesting article I read on this topic called "The Nocturnals" by Faith Hill. It's about ultra-introverted people who don't seem to need much social connection at all. It was the first time I learned that there are people similar to me out there. Before I thought there was something wrong with me. Well, maybe there is, but at least I'm not alone, pun intended!
Wow, I've definitely had similar experiences in my life. I never really clicked with anyone I knew from grade school, college, or work. I have found connection with people in various groups online with similar interests; other vintage automotive enthusiasts, photographers, fan collectors, etc.
I’m happier when I’m alone. No pressure to be interesting, funny, interested in other people. It took me a long time to accept the fact that it’s the way I am. Mind you I have a few good friends that I see occasionally. Nothing wrong with being an introvert.
I so get what you mean. When you're alone the pressure disappears.
figured it out when i was in higschool. Before that i didnt think about it, meaning i like being around people but I also like being alone & doing my things but it doesnt mean i cant be social, so guessing im an omivert.
Learn stoicism you don't need other people to make you happy they make you unhappy
When your old like me you will find out how many friends you have that's about 0 or 2
@@LetArtsLivelol, another stoicism poser.
"A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.”
― Arthur Schopenhauer
I used to think I was socially awkward and introverted. So I became a bartender to force myself to be social. Now I realize that I've had the ability to be witty, charming, and successfully flirtacious the whole time. Where the disconnect comes, is my interest in people. I just have a lack of interest in others. It makes forming connections very challenging.
It would help if everyone didn't seem the same and the odds weren't so much against finding someone genuinely interesting.
That's why I say I'm antisocial rather than introverted. The ability to socialize is there, I'm just not interested in people most of the time.
You might be aplatonic
I have the same problem, I don't find anyone interesting
Holee shit you are me? When im working for tips I could charm so many people as a guy. When it comes to socializing outside of work tho? I just don't care. No one has anything interesting about them and they don't even have the passion to explain things that they like. A LOT of people are essentially robots.
I relate to literally every word you said in this video. It's actually really comforting to know that someone else out there has had almost my exact experience.
Its comforting for me too, I really wasn't expecting people to be able to relate so much but it means a lot to know we're not alone in this. So glad that you were able to find this video 🙂
Same, it's uncanny
Same here - everything from the parental characters, interests (tiny house - yes! bought a van, joined a book club etc.), and finding lik-eminded people online, to the fears of investing in people IRL only to be let down/the struggle of trying to find connection. Feeling misunderstood is such a lonely place to be, so hope the fact that so many of us totally resonate with what you say helps both you and us realise how valid and shared an experience this is.
Same here.
I've discovered recently that I have peace and happiness when I am alone. I know how to value myself and protect myself. As a result old stuff I pressumed to be friends with are not around anymore.
I am still looking for a community where I can be myself. I know I'll find it. But sometimes I feel fery tired of the search.
Thank you for your honesty. Good luck on your journey.
the timing of this video getting in my recommended is scary. yesterday i just had a full out mental breakdown in front of my therapist about how i feel lonely and how i feel like i will never make any friends since im autistic and i have a hard time connecting with people on a daily basis.
So thank you for the kind and uplifting words at the end. they really mean more then you think.
Thank you, your comment means so much as I didn't know how much my words could help someone. It must be so hard to navigate the world with those feelings, and I hope that you find happiness and people that understand even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
What was your therapist's reaction to that?
Most people don’t want to get close to others because people are narcissistic.. and liars, and users. Hope you find a friend.
I’ll be your friend
I've learned in my life that building community is around repetition. You mentioned work and school, both activities where you're going to the same place with the same people for sometimes years on end. In my adult life, I've made community through AA meetings, meditation groups, gallery openings, and therapy groups.
It gets really difficult to build community when leaving the house is impossible. I live a pretty nomadic life and developed CFS a year ago, which means I'm in a city of strangers who I have little-to-no energy to meet. Twitch communities are good spaces for connection in my situation.
Best of luck to you. This is a real classic video format that I miss seeing.
Thats a really good point; I hadn't thought about that way! We have built in potential friends at school and now we're all struggling with where to go. Im glad twitch has been a good place to find connections for you, maybe I should look into that a bit more ☺️
I *really* relate. I didn't even realize until my late twenties that we each have an obligation to show others who we are to a degree, for everyone's sense of security. It just wasn't exemplified by my totally dysfunctional parents so I didn't know.
This is so true! There's so much pressure put on us by society to do this, and if we haven't had safe, healthy role models then this can feel impossible.
@@annamatthews1 it definitely feels impossible, but I feel like I'm dying inside alone even when I spend a lot of time investing in myself and I'm comfortable with my own company. Sometimes it just feels so empty because most of what I do I do alone. Yet actually initiating conversation with someone is so far outside what I'm used to. Probably for the same reasons as this comment. Dysfunctional parents, plus autism. I knew I had to introduce myself but I didn't realise why. Now it makes more sense. The ambiguity is threatening so you introduce yourself. Seems obvious now, and explains so many shitty experiences I've had. It's nice to see other people dealing with this.. kinda
As someone who is going through something similar.
I can say that people flow, and most won't stay, or you decide to move on. Stay true to yourself, heal, learn, expand. Stay positive and don't take it too seriously, you never know when, but when it happens, you will know. ❤
I get what you say, it can be overwhelming sometimes.
we live in a lonely age, i guess. seems super easy to fall through the cracks and feel left behind, but it seems to be more of a social trend than caused by personal failure. either way, i don't think we're ever truly alone even when we feel estranged, and when we die, i believe we will all return to one
As someone who has been alone for around 13 years now, i can relate. I have gotten so used to being alone that i don't even know how to properly act around groups of people. So i usually do what i do best, stay to myself. I wish you the best of luck on your future and i hope you find happiness in life. I hope all of us that are truly alone can find some kind of happiness.
Yeah, losing the ability to express myself fluently is the worst thing. I wish I could keep that, but hey, if you don't use it you lose it.
I'm in the same boat, I've been single now for about 13 years , I've always had a small circle but the last 5 years or so I have not really gone out or done much with anyone.
Just supporting a fellow loner...
She will never date you
@disgusting_hobo On that we can agree hobo-man.
@@j.h.181 Now that's what I wanna hear!
Being lonely but at the same time unsecure and scared to approach and open up to others seems like such a ironic but ultimately cruel twist of fate 😢
It's a death cycle. I have the same problems.
I'm 38 and have been that way ever since I can remember. I have only had a handful of friends over my life. One of the best friends I ever had basically drank himself to death. But now I mostly hang out by myself after I relocated to a new area a few years ago.
However nowadays I don't really crave people that much. After spending my life to this point seeing how fake and dishonest, game playing, and ill-mannered people can be, I'm just over all that. I just crave some socializing here and there, and usually that's with family.
Mostly I value my privacy and peace and quiet, not being interrupted by senseless drama and other nonsense. I have very little tolerance for that stuff. I do get a little lonely though.
5:45 "The thing that made me most happy and content in my life is actually having a better relationship with myself" -- SOOO TRUEE! I also found that it is easier to make honest relationships with other people once you come to accept and love yourself!! Great video - greetings from Mexico!
I'm so glad you can relate! Self love is such a journey but a very important one, right? Hello to you in Mexico ☺️
My parents are a lot like yours and as a result they have zero friends. Their awkward social tendencies made it difficult for me to adjust socially growing up. To this day I still feel like a fish out of water when interacting with most people, but I want to find my community. I made my first friend as an adult last year and want to keep befriending more and more people who can accept me for me.
I'm right there with you. Thanks for posting. I agree with you that we have to do the work within to allow for these connections we wish to have in person. We can't be numb to the loneliness, we must feel our way through to our authentic selves!
Exactly! We can't walk around pretending to being someone we're not just so that people might like us, because it never works out. The one constant thing in our lives is our relationship with ourselves, and we've got to make sure it's strong too :)
In a world filled with negativity, channels like yours are rays of hope. Stumbling upon your video today was a breath of fresh air, and I'm grateful for that. Keep being authentic and true to yourself, as you mentioned. We need more individuals like you on this pale blue dot. Remember, in a society where everyone acts the same, it's your uniqueness that truly makes you awesome. To everyone reading this, embrace your differences, pursue your passions, and be kind, and you'll attract the right crowd. Cheers!
Thank you for such a sweet comment! Being true to ourselves is the only solution in such a challenging world, and I'm so glad that you gained something from my video. All the best :)
It is refreshing to see someone who isn't afraid to be kind. Negativity attracts way too much attention online unfortunately.
⏮Differences embraced.
But no one cares, because most people I know are set in their ways and it's disappointing how they conform to societal ills rather than things that make us unique & interesting.
So when she talked about something along the lines of people settling into their routines, it stands out as a glaring issue that people just accept... and ignore real opportunities for mutual growth, especially after the pandemic, where so many shrunk their circles and never expanded again.
I moved during the locked downs and people still expected me & others to bounce back, even though lots of small businesses didn't.
Goal posts keep shifting...
Whatever our individual misfortunes or challenges are, the issue isn't any of us.
been 2 years since i moved here. work from home, live in middle of woods, very isolated. church has been the best thing for me to not only meet good people in my community but grow in my faith.
Wow that must be an amazing lifestyle! It's great that you've got your church community, it seems like a wonderful and welcoming space for people of faith x
i got an unskipable WoW ad, i hope this video will be worth it
Aw wait you got an ad? I haven't monetized this video. Do they do that now? :O
Yes, every one gets ads but few get paid for it.
Nice to meet you. I found that after going through some tough circumstances I became so miserable that I stopped caring about the small things people thought of me. It put things into perspective.
The fact that we tend to feel better alone than around people makes it really hard not to give up on friendships when they can't live up to our expectations. That's one of the hardest parts for me.
It's nice to be able to see someone in a similar situation where they live alone in a city far from friends/family. I know I have people who love and support me, but I definitely agree there's an aspect to being the physical presence of others of friendship that isn't quite easily replaced like some of the other aspects. I hope wherever you are you're doing well, from one isolated young adult to another. We'll get through this.
What an awesome video, truly inspiring and very wise words/message. ❤ I have to agree living a authentic life (true to ourselves, true to others) has to be where it's at if we are to bear fruit for our souls. Much love and respect to you. ❤
Can totally relate. I too was once parasocial. I didnt even notice that all my sense of social interaction came from youtube videos. but i think the way of breaking that curse for me is getting a job with a nice atmosphere and about the same age group.
Same here! When it starts to feel easier just to watch people on the internet, making real connections can feel even more daunting. But I'm glad you've been able to find a workplace that fits in with you. All the best :)
I just want to say for now, thanks for you're honesty. This really helps out.👍
Many Thanks for your honesty!! Peace From London!! 🙏🙏
It’s always interesting to hear what other introverted folks think. Sometimes I fear I’m too introverted. I like people, I’m just far too comfortable being on my own and that prevents me from having the drive to reach out to others. One important truth for you younger folks, it does not get easier to make friends as you get older.
You're physically attractive. You will never truly know what being alone feels like.
Yup, and people will say you don't know how she feels inside. In reality, attractive people get passes every day, especially women, no matter their mental state.
"You will never truly know what being alone feels like" just because she is attractive is one of the most ignorant things I've read today. One day you will learn you are not the only one who has problems.
@@rwmusicstudio No, she will learn that.
and here we have a perfect example of how anyone who's above a 5/10 is diminished and denigrated. ugly people gatekeep loneliness.
She will never truly know what being alone feels like... Because she's attractive? Read your comment back to yourself and reflect.
I can relate, thanks for being so honest. It takes a lot of courage to speak so openly about such tricky topics on YT.
It is refreshing to see someone down to earth on this platform.
That's what I was about to type. 😾 It's the way to talk/chat better than randomly hoping to get likes. You do have a lovely soothing accent your voice still echoes in my head. I subbed to see and hear more of you. 🎉🎉🎉
Thank you for opening up about this because I'm the same in so many ways. I never knew how to explain to people exactly why I am the way I am but you put it into words so well!! I didn't think it was possible for someone to have such similar experiences... Perhaps that's the loneliness talking!!
I'm glad you could relate! I find it easier to talk to the camera rather than other humans, especially if I write it down first. You might be right about the loneliness thing, maybe the deeper it gets the more we feel that we are simply alone in everything we experience. But its clear now so many others have felt like this so it's a comfort 😊
I have been true to myself since age 17 and finding friends has been rough. Nobody sticks around after a year or two and I don't attract the kind of people I want. So this subconscious inner human need to have a "community" is just not realistic in this day and age.
Its hard when friendships are so inconsistent, I can relate to that for sure. I hold out hope that a community exists for me, but who knows? All the best to you :)
To have a friend means to be a friend, often putting yourself out there and being vulnerable which is hard for many people.
You seem very aware and and articulate about the situation.
I like the idea that friendship is not the only key to happiness. I'm thinking about ways to connect my hobbies to other people, because i wish to enjoy the process.
Thanks for making this video!
"Just be yourself" I hate when people say that
Yeah. Don't change. Just be yourself and die alone without a single soul by your side.
You are an addict? Just be yourself! Embrace your addiction.
Embrace your defects, don't overcome them.
I relate to this more than anything. The only place i feel comfortable is in my own room, with no one else, or going outside in nature on long walks, listening to music.
But ive noticed that if you keep being alone for long enough, you'll get stuck in your own head, with non stop existential thoughts. Currently struggling with this rn. I too find it very hard to form relationships with others, as if i give up after a certain amount of time for some reason. Been like this for many years now, personally i never felt like i fit in because i have ADHD, and it makes it really difficult to focus on peoples conversations and interests.
Found out i had adhd at 14, when i felt it was already too late, as i had lost all my friends. Im 19 now, trying to make friends, and i absolutely feel you. I understand how this feels, it feels like a never ending cycle. But talking to people, especially when you LEAST want to, is what helps the most i think.
Hey, this is so true. We start to feel too safe, too comfortable and we get trapped in that place. I agree about doing things when your least want to, because that can help us expand our comfort zone. I'm a bit older than you but I remember how lost I was at 19, just trying to figure out who I was while trying to find where I fit into society.
And with your ADHD journey, its never too late to start learning about yourself so I wish you the best with that!
@@annamatthews1 Thanks for reading, good luck to you too
You have the right attitude, don't stress. You're WAY ahead of most people your age from an emotional maturity perspective. That's REALLY good! :heartsigns:
This video couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I'm at that point we're I'm well established in my career and now I'm at that point in Maslows Hierarchy where I am yearning for community to feel more whole. I have always been a loner and find it hard to be my authentic self because of my upbringing. I also grew up with a parent that wasn't great at emotional regulation or communication, making it very difficult for me to learn the skills essential to form connections. I've been considering blogging or something on the Internet like what you're doing to find my people. Because like you said, I know they're out there. Thank you for posting this and being vulnerable.
It's so hard when we haven't been given those building blocks of communication, especially when it sounds like you're so craving it in your life. Having a blog or vlog has been a great way to connect for me, and I implore you to give it a go. I've been so surprised by how many people relate to what I said in this video, and it may also help you to find that connection, even if just through shared life experience :)
Well at least you have a good career. I'm 38 and have been an absolute loser my whole life as far as that goes. My best year so far was 2022. I made a whopping $41,000.
My whole adult life I've had the worst luck ever getting jobs. And on top of that I'm kind of slow mentally, so I have a hard time learning new things.
I appreciate you keeping it 100% real. My greatest regret the past few months has been neglecting my own needs and self to try to fit in with the only company I can find around me at work. These people share neither my values and morals nor any of my passions and interests. Yet I have toiled in futility to gain their approval and validation. At the end I only find myself with none of those things but also feeling more lost, empty and unfulfilled than before. In fact, I see less respect in their eyes for me now. It is a bitter lesson for me but an important one. As brutally awkward as it may feel to be in a crowd you do not belong in, your soul is worth far too much to trade away in hopes of forcing a contrived sense of belonging. Thank you for reminding and reinforcing this message of staying true to myself even at my loneliest.
I used to be really extroverted, but as I've grown older, I've found myself becoming more and more introverted. Reclusive even. But in all honesty, my life is so much simpler now. Less is truly more, but then again my years of extroversion have given me a solid point of reverence by which I can appreciated the calm of an introverted lifestyle. I find that I need more time to myself after seeing even close friends, and I work from home too, so there's another factor to it. Anna, I think it's okay to live a life disconnected from others. Connection, when it is true, is usually seamless and doesn't feel like it requires effort. This is rare though...so as you said, be true to who you are, and follow your intuition on things. It will not lead you astray. It's really okay to live a life others don't understand. We don't owe the world explanations for who or how we are. Go where it's warm. Follow what makes you happy. I think as long as we do that, we'll be okay. Thank you for sharing this, is makes me feel like I'm not alone in my aloneness.
One thing you have get use to is friends come and go... the right ones stay...
Wow! I can relate to this so much, its almost uncanny. I always hope to find people in real life close to me that understand an can share my passions with. It is great to hear you achieved the same conclusions as I did. Thanks for the video :)
It's so nice to hear you can relate! Sometimes it can seem impossible to find those people but we'll keep on trying 😊 Thanks for commenting and I hope you found some comfort in being able to relate.
Lately I have been enjoying geeking out with my Magic the gathering playgroup every Saturday. I'm so much better than I was before. I've always struggled with anger, ego and vanity. I'm getting therapy to help me better myself. I honestly believe I deserve to be better than yesterday. Your video is amazing and very insightful. God bless you and I hope your journey is amazing
I have been experiencing the same thing as lonely girl who anti-social, depressed, and just want love from other people. Your video will help others out there and let let them know there not alone. ❤
Thank you, that's what I'm hoping it will do. This world is so divided so we have to find moments of connection :)
I totally relate and thank you for making this video.
It’s funny. I have a very public facing job. No problem speaking to people there etc but very anxious in social settings. I got a visible disability which affects my speech and it’s hard/stressful to communicate in loud environments for me.
I am going through a separation at the moment with divorce soon and kinda have very few friends apart from some work colleagues. I am not stressing myself about it and try to make peace myself and accept myself as I am because I am ok the way I am. I think I often seek outside validation due to lacking confidence in myself.
We’ll get there! 🙌🏻
Likely because your job is structured to some degree at least. Additionally, it's your profession you're proffering, not yourself, the stakes are much lower.
I can completely relate to this. All through my life I too have struggled to find where I fit in and those that understand me.
Though all of us have had different life experiences that have led us one way or another.
When I went through my battle of cancer 8 years ago,( family not withstanding), I didn’t really have any friends to help me through it. Though I have met some nice people since then, I still struggle letting people in preferring to keep them at arm’s length, to not let that fear of abandonment and heartbreak of trying to work out what is so wrong with me that others don’t want to be here to help, when I’d do that for them( and for the record I have).
The things I’ve learned is that no one is going to have a heart like you or personality or quirkiness you do, as you are completely unique in this universe and just as important as anyone else.
Ive always been a loner. Even when Im with people at school or outside of school, I can feel that awkwardness when Im not that involved to whatever is going on, Im just there, like a 3rd wheel and have no reason to be there. Sometimes I feel like why am I even there.. those that "know" me don't really care about me. They only come around to use me, like when they need something or something that'll benefit them but never for anything fun, once I help them I never hear from them again unless its something theyre looking for or need.. People laugh and mock me all the time. Especially after my ex cheated and broked up with me.. Its like a heartbreak wasnt enough but laughing and mocking me.. thats why I prefer being alone distancing myself from people and the world doing my own things, reading the Bible, my axolotls/fishes, youtube, gaming. Its all I do after I come home from work and hide from the world.
Thank you for sharing, this spoke to me I am genuinely grateful someone with this experience posted this
You are so welcome! I hope this gave you some comfort knowing there are others with the same experience as you!
As everyone else, i relate with everything you said. I hope you find what you are looking for. Great vid!
Thank you! I hope you do too 😊
I can relate most definitely, thank you for this. It's hard when you move away from the area you grew up in, trying to find your people. And when you do find someone who "get's you" it puts a lot of pressure on that relationship if they're the only person physically present in your life. I'm starting to realise that making connections, even if they're tenuous, is very important. Then the deeper, more meaningful ones will emerge out of that. That's what I'm hoping anyway! Find the others ☺
im 20 and ive been a loner all my life and i enjoy it. my parents and teachers tried forcing me to get friends but i refused. i never cared for having friends. the right friend for me will come along when they come.
If that works for you then that's great! Others' expectations of us can be hurtful when we feel like they don't get us so good on you for sticking to what felt right for you :)
Hi Anna, I also relate to this as a 26 year old in a similar situation to you. I think my issue also partly stems from having parents who weren't socially well adjusted and didn't provide an example for developing the social skills for making and keeping friends. I also am past my college years without any friends that i still am in contact with, although I had kinda acquaintances while there. I always excuse my being busy and anxious working through a strenuous college program for not socializing, but it was also kinda a lack of interests in most other people as someone else mentioned. Now, I found myself also in another city, but without any ideas for how to make friends in this era of my life. I'm also a bit mistrustful of others because some people can be really shitty. I agree that being true to who you are is the only real way to make true connections, otherwise you are going to attract the wrong people and will eventually fall out due to not having chemistry. It was nice to hear your story. It is brave of you to be vulnerable about your situation on the internet.
The internet has been my primary method of communication and forming friendships for many years, as an autistic man in my 30s. I've never really enjoyed small talk with anyone unless it's a topic I'm actually interested in. I don't even feel the need to say hello to anyone, it's more than enough for me to simply _know_ the other person is there and I don't expect them to greet me. We're just different from neurotypicals and it's time for them to accept it. I'm done trying to change myself for the world, instead the world needs to change for people like us. Neurotypicals have had their control of this world for too long, now it's our turn.
can we be friends?
I can relate so much to what you have said since I am kind of wired similar.
Thank you so much, for being open, it really helps knowing, that others struggle with similar issues than the ones I am struggeling with. I Think you make really good observations, especially learning to love yourself is so important for being happy. (Little sidenote how I manage to start loving myself, since I could not love myself at all, because I was failing pretty much everywhere in life. I could love others and take care of others but not myself. So I had this idea to see myself as two parts, one was my younger me from the past and one was my older me in the present. I took a picture of myself when i was 10 years old and promised to take care of that little boy. It was impossible to hate a young kid and took care of that young man and I continue to do so. I tricked myself, but it worked for me.)
I feel aswell how it gets harder to make friends while getting older. I was never good at reaching out at friends, planning stuff together and going out and I always prefered to stay home and play videogames. I have build my own community there and had friends, but gaming was also an addiction. Space I used to escape from trauma, trauma from my childhood. I quit the game i was addicted for over 10 years, which is great, im feeling awesome! But I realizied I lost also my community and friends to some extend. This will be my last year of uni and I fear I will get even more isolated, so I am activly trying to reach out and build new relationsships. I got 2 good friends im going to the gym with, thats a good start and im very glad I have those friends. But I hope to find new friends aswell.
One of my biggest desires though is finding a special someone, a woman, who i can trust, share everything good, which is happening in life( a good meal, a sunset or just a smile), support, ask for help, if need it, and growing as a person together.
Well yeah i dont know why i wrote that all down, it felt good! But I better get back to study.
Thanks Anna
I always have a thought driving down the road looking at houses with the lights on in them and stuff, and I think, "The people that I would be the bestest of friends with are probably just like me. Cooped up in their house, wishing they had friends to share their interests with."
I do have close friends but they all live far away now, and I made them when I was a child. I haven't made a close friend after 14 years old. I am 24 now. I hope I find y'all one day.
are you a boy or girl?
I have had a very similar experience over the past year or so. Having not gone to uni and moved away from my home city to start a new job, I think I am hitting the same problem that people have as you described, just at a slightly younger age.
For the first year or so I think the internet and social interactions with coworkers wad enough to fulfil, as you describe it, the desire for real human interaction and social connection, however im growing less satisfied by that secluded way of life recently.
I think you have described it well that, although things are yet to improve, we can take solace in being aware of the problem and having patience and the faith that things will improve as time passes and now the problem is identified its easier to start to slowly take actions to solve it.
I appreciate your honesty. Best wishes from Australia.
There are few things worse in life than pretending to be someone you're not all the time. I hope you find your soulmate and true friends.
Great video Anna. I have been going through this situation as well. It seems so challenging to find a place that we can go to regularly outside of just work or home to meet people. I found that this subject was dubbed "a third place" and found it fascinating to read about. But reading about it will only get me so far. Decided to write down some goals for myself and try and figure out where those might intersect with a place.
I am exactly living how you described. Basically this whole video was about me, or at least it felt like it. I have a lot of hobbies, but in the real world I basically just do them myself. The couple friends I had in high school have completely different lives now. None of my friends share my hobbies so I end up doing them alone. I find more people online that share my hobbies than IRL. And now that I'm 30 it is so hard and feels almost impossible to try to find a new group of friends that are in my hobby.
I'm 52 this year and although I have some friends, none of them really have the same interests as me. I have known them for many years and that is what really keeps us together. But as far as interests go, nope.
I love this style of content!! Please keep going if it's what you love to do!
Thank you, I shall 😊
I'm a "loner" too, but I'm not lonely or alone. I am a Sigma male. I totally understand you, but also wish to share that people will take you at face value until you prove yourself otherwise. You can reinvent yourself every single day if you wish. Try a few on for size until you find the one that suits you best. You will eventually find your AUTHENTIC self. Love and light!
Hello! Thanks for sharing!
I can relate to your point of view and experience in socializing, what I can add to what you said is that you can analyze your daily activities and realize that you might not be visiting many places where you can meet *new* people .. for me I realized that my weekdays are split into working and just recovering from that .. everday .. and I'm sure lots of people have that same schedule in their daily lives .. which keeps us in the same loop of activities meeting certain people in our circle and not being exposed to new experiences .. my interests are more revolved around activities that people would normally do alone and I tried to join other types of activities but I could not meet people whom I could relate to as well which didn't help me in being attached to such activities, I have this hypothesis that maybe I'm simply not an interesting person or could just be boring and that is just fine .. yet it keeps me at a disadvantage in communicating with people as a natural human requirement for life quality .. that is just my experience so far 😁 ...
You sound like me.... I'm a 33 year old teacher and it was a horrible mistake choosing this career... Last year the parents mocked me again by giving every teacher flowers but me a book about communication.... I always did so much for their kids, they treated me worse than shit just because I am a little different and don't like fakery. I have so much love and knowledge to give, I am actually a very interesting person. But more and more I feel like I should just quit everything, I have no one anyway... No one would care.
Damn, this is absolutely brutal. What a shocking lack of empathy from the parents. Have you thought about switching to adult education, i.e. teaching people without helicopter parents behind them?
@@rockapartie I am moving to Switzerland right now in the hopes that the parents here are a little more kind. But I know something needs to change in my career...
actually amazing video, i have had the same struggles and this made me really happy to watch that feels the same. remember me when in 5 years
I'm glad you could relate, its such a comfort to know that other people share the experience, even though it can feel like we're all dealing with it alone. All the best for your journey :)
On a similar journey. As an expat who moved to NZ. Ive spent years building as many connections as i can and i feel like im settled into a community in the town i moved to.. but still haven't been able to make good friends. It's hard to explain how much i value being accepted into the community while still struggling with intense loneliness at the same ttime. But as you say at this stage of life most opportunities to be forced to regularly meet up with a cohort of people who also have that time blocked off to do the same thing (other than work) have passed by. And work has always been a difficult place for me to make friends.
You are an intelligent interesting person. I’m responding because my life experience may help you. Im 71 now and have a rich social life. In my teenage years and 20s I felt the way you say you do. I felt and was excluded from life for who I was. I made my own decisions and was independent-minded. Often mocked and ridiculed and exploited. Like you I longed for contact. The truth is most people do not have your sensitivity and intelligence. Not until my 30s when I started teaching at a university did I meet anyone like me and felt accepted. Suddenly there were people like me for the first time. You are rare but have a great deal to contribute to life, you just didnt find anyone like you yet. You will. Carry on making your own decisions, thinking things through. Most people dont challenge anything at all, they dont think, they follow the crowd - you are different and have something unique to put in the world. I agree about the Internet - its so rich with diversity. You will find people because your light is shining and others will see it. Be true to yourself, always - its the only way to be true to everyone else. There are many people who live outside of the “community”. You will find them. I wish you success and happiness.
I moved and understand. Sometimes things that are memorable hold you back.
I relate a lot to this, I wonder how much of it is rooted in fear of rejection and dejection. Almost all of my most intimate relationships have had falling outs, and my lifestyle choices almost guarantee I'll never form the type of relationships that ultimately hurt me most.
for whatever it may be worth~
You seem very wise for your young age, and that's so refreshing to see such a beautiful young woman who thinks so very critically.. its seemingly a rare sight these days hahah. I feel as though you are rich with life experience in many aspects whereas others may not be so wise regarding, which is a gift and a curse in may ways. Look forward to reading your book :)
So much things in life that are absolutely absurd, I just would like to finish already. No companionship, No love, No sense of direction I can't live like this my whole life.
The funny thing is you actually can "live" like that for quite a long time. I'm 21 and I've been "living" like this for almost ten years. It's not very fun. And then to think about all the decades I have ahead. That's quite a hit to take when that sort of dawns on you from time to time.
Good thing is things can change, but I also believe that some people have a better capacity to change than others and some simply won't manage. You either suffer or you suffer, there may not be a light at the end of the tunnel in sight, but the first many steps involve making conditions for yourself where it makes sense to believe there could at some point in the future be an actual light.
After college it gets so much more difficult to find friends and community, I definitely relate with that aspect. I’ve found some success with joining interest groups in my town. I joined an improv class, and while it was scary, it was a life changing experience and I met a lot of amazing people.
That's awesome! I love improve, though I'd rather watch than join in, but the kind of people that do it are so cool :)
Bloody good lady...Bloody good....Keep on fighting the good fight..,,as we say in the Northern Soul scene...KTF.......Cheerio
I love being alone. I travel solo every year. I travelled with a friend a couple of times and I didnt have as much fun. I don't have many friends anymore. My two closest friends passed away within a year and a half just recently. And my other friends got married. We are still in contact but don't see each other very often. I have made friends on my travels. When I go away in the summer I will see them again so even though I'm solo travelling I wont be totally alone. I travel to the same destination most years.
Very glad I spent my high school years skipping class and making lifelong friendships & memories. If I had cared about being responsible I’d never have the community of friends that has made my life so great
Its awesome that you made such good friends at a formative time in your life and kept them, not many could say that!
This is so cool to know there are others who are like this too. It helps not feel so awkward. I love solitude and being alone with my own company. I have a very small circle of people that I can be around and not feel drained.
I have no idea why youtube recommended your video to me, but I really like it did
Thanks! 🙂
Even if I would like to have friends, I am almost completely incapable of building friendships and especially doing friendship activities in a consistent way.
You're melting me with your Australian accent smooth as vegemite! Lol. Thanks for sharing! You're gorgeous.
I'm not Australian
When you are alone you don't have to share with anyone. You get to keep it all to yourself.
Thats true! Sharing I annoying sometimes haha
I only want a few close friends. a million friends means so much small talk and party invitations you'd rather not get. some ancient thinker said "a friend to all is a friend to none". We're all wired differently, I find solitude delicious and at the very least so much better than company that takes effort. I am also weird and socially awkward but fully appreciate the privilege to experience the bizarre. keep thinking, keep going within, become a person of substance.
I can relate. You can be whatever you want! How we think is everything.
Exactly!
It's an experience and the truth is that you can get the best of both worlds. Due to my profession and my family centric culture, when growing up i was forced to socialize, i can recognize social cues and developed emotional intelligence with a maturity beyond my age however i am an introvert, a loner, it is exhausting for me to be a good listener, talker and friend.
It is extremely easy for me to make friendships and be likeable but it's tedious and even boring at some points, so many times i've been asked to go to parties, weddings and whatnot most of them rejected, pretending to be busy when in reality i just want to be in my home, listening to music, reading a book while drinking a nice cup of hot coffee.
In my case finding community is not an issue but also not the goal, the goal is being happy, humble, grateful while helping others and keeping my mental health in peak condition. The goal is also to feel comfortable under my own skin and still share my time and interest with others while keeping my own slice of time, in silence (or listening to music) to ponder on the human condition/experience.
Life is good with and without company when you are a loner.
I am in the same boat as you. 34, have been to so many events, nights out, meetups etc, but I always find myself struggling to integrate. I do have a very small circle of friends, and I am happy by myself, but it's deflating to want to be a part of something bigger but never fitting in.
That sounds really tough! It's so hard to make those stronger connections but I hope you'll find that some day 🙂
Firstly, something I very much understand and may become clear as you read this.
It's also worth remembering, for anyone reading, there us a different between being alone and feeling lonely.
The first is spending time with yourself, actively doing things that you enjoy, which could involve just having a nice cup of tea/ coffee and watching a good movie, reading, painting and a whole host of other things.
Being lonely however is feeling a need for the company of others, wanting to be with someone you can share your thoughts, dreams and passions with ir maybe just simply talking about things going on in the world.
It may become something that you would like to go further, to become a relationship and perhaps share your life with them as well as intimate and loving moments.
Anna, it's completely understandable why you feel as you do with the things you've discussed in this video.
As you know, from the point of your father who I believe you mentioned has Autism, he has a difficult time recognising social cues right?
Now I don't know if you yourself is on the spectrum somewhere yourself and if you haven't already done so, it might be worth you getting tested for it too as I believe, although not 100% sure, but it might be hereditary.
There are also other things that can cause a similar problem.
I do want to point out at this stage that I am by no means a professional in any way, these are simply things I've learned in my life and things that may help or you might want to look into more so please, take the advice as you wish.
As we grow up, we can, because we spend time on our own often and don't feel we mix with others well, miss out on learning important and natural things that others learn.
For example, we might not learn how to ready cues of others, body language, which I'd very important in communication.
This can be not only in the form of how a person is sitting, what their hands are doing as they speak etc but also micro cues our muscles make that help us understand and empathise with others.
There are also cues in out voice tone, volume, and other intonation that give us hints to a person's inner world and state of mind.
Not having learned these things naturally, can make us, seen different or odd to others.
Others often feel something is off with us but don't feel like they can quite put their finger on what it is.
If they can then its because we don't act in ways others do because we lack that natural instinct to know when the right time for some things are.
These things can feel uncomfortable to others and maybe make you seem strange to them.
This doesn't in any way make you a bad person, it simply means there are things that need to be learned to make things easier.
Another problem can be that when we spend so much time doing things alone, we can become stuck in the habit of doing everything we wan our way.
While it's fine when on your own or in your own home, that doesn't go so well in social interactions.
To others we can seem selfish or unthoughtful, cold or uncaring.
When out in the world, observe how others interact and watch the dance between them as they engage with one another.
See if you can determine whose in control of the interaction or whether one trusts the other or not, make it something of a game to see if you can figure out who these people are to one another and what lead you to thinking that.
Of course, don't stare while doing this as that can make people uncomfortable to, just notice as you glance around.
For now, I hope this helps.
Since Halloween is now around the Corner there is a song called La Cuerva de La Petaca about a Witch who turns into a Crow At Night in Linares Nuevo Leon Mexico sung by Carlos y Jose on RUclips video
I've pretty much given up on being social. I've tried being a part of different communities but sooner or later I feel like it's pointless and I'm just alone in the crowd feeling anxious or bored. When I quit coming around no one seems to care. I don't even have online friends really. I have a couple people irl but I prefer my own company most of the time. I think about going to different events and things but when the time comes it sounds like too much and I usually pass it up.
I appreciate you having the courage to share your struggles. Very nice job on the book as well! Definitely difficult to find people with the same interests. I'm super passionate about conservation and minimalism. I joined the committee for the crown and jewel of our town which is a park that used to be an animal petting zoo. Nobody my age is on the committee though and I don't think there are many people that volunteer in that area so I'm kind of back to square one there. Luckily I enjoy it though and It's nice to be able to volunteer around the park because I genuinely want to and care about it, not because I feel like I have to. People our age that think like us are very few and far between as I've been finding out since graduating a couple years ago.
I tried Twitch and Discord as a fellow loner. Nope. Empty, shallow, illusory.
I've heard that about Twitch from others too, its a real shame that it isn't what it could be.
@@annamatthews1 you get to feel the same oxytocin dumps or pain of losing a friendship…but with a hollow core knowing that they disappear from your life when the internet or power goes off.
Just came back from a month in China. It highlighted how hostile the structure of this place (Aus/NZ/US etc) is to the maintenance of social contacts. Even if I have great friends, distance and schedules constantly antagonize our relationships. In a place with high population density, large numbers of family and friends are within walking distance, making "community" effortless in comparison.
Just from posting this video, you have the self-reflection capacity and courage to make headway in your endeavors. Best of luck!
Thank you! I hope that others can take inspiration and share their own stories too :)
I like my time alone, too much people forget it, it's not me. I turn on the radio and need to listen to voices and keep myself busy with chores, tv, gaming or something else. That said, being alone all time is not fun, I get scared I will get sick or die alone. I now have a real friend for the first time since a kid, my other friends by default were my cousins. Alcohol played a big part to numb myself from loneliness and depression. I try to improve every day / year, takes a few risks, let people in, and maybe something better will come. I was always the odd one yet not really, just quiet and a good listener, and I'm older so I'm not as shy, or scared to voice my opinion, I guess we call this being more wise with age. Take some risks, let people in your life that want to be and try to enjoy everyday, that's all we can do.
I just came across your channel and I subscribed instantly! You remind me of myself a lot. I'm trying to speak on some difficulties that myself and others have had with socialization in recent videos, but your videos capture that essence even better than mine :)
All the best for your channel! It's so important to share our stories :)
I've always been very social, but have always found it difficult to form friendships. When I was a kid I'd make friends with others but would often find I was frozen out from groups, and it hurt real bad to know that a group of friends would go off and do something but you weren't invited. And even to this day that hasn't really changed. I've come to accept that there's something about my character that always pushes me out of the 'circle'.
So, I guess by default I am a loner, but one that's definitely not happy with their own company lol.
There's different kind of relationships and "friendships." Once and awhile its good to make effort to find commonalities and understand people you're generally curious about. And it's a good idea to be open and available for people who may be curious about you. No one needs to make friends with someone just because they're there.
In my late teens through my early 40s -- before the internet enabled us to know that others had the same problems we did -- I was a loner in terms of social interaction. I was professionally successful and had lively interactions with co-workers and job clients, but after work, I usually hid. Since 2010, I have come out of isolation and had some genuine social connections, which I initiated. And I have learned that friendships can be healthy or burdensome. They can weight on us, as well as lift us up. I'm still trying to sort things out.
Very relatable! Self love is something I definitely need to work on 😅
Self love is such a journey but so worthwhile. Wishing you the best for that :)
I am glad you RUclips recommendation brought me here! I have been going through the same for a very long time now.
I can definitely relate. I regularly go several days without talking to another living person, and this is by choice. I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I'm not a misanthrope, there are many lovely souls out there. I just simply enjoy solitude and don't need another person to make me feel complete. One hour a week of talking to some friends on Discord is enough socializing for me.
There is a very interesting article I read on this topic called "The Nocturnals" by Faith Hill. It's about ultra-introverted people who don't seem to need much social connection at all. It was the first time I learned that there are people similar to me out there. Before I thought there was something wrong with me. Well, maybe there is, but at least I'm not alone, pun intended!
Wow, I've definitely had similar experiences in my life. I never really clicked with anyone I knew from grade school, college, or work. I have found connection with people in various groups online with similar interests; other vintage automotive enthusiasts, photographers, fan collectors, etc.