Episode 37: Healing The Mother Wound
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2024
- This week we have a special episode for Mother’s Day! We realize this is a sensitive time + our mainstream culture doesn’t always acknowledge this. In this episode, we get real. If you’re working through the mother wound, this episode is for you.
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Shoutout to everyone trying to heal their childhood attachment wounds. Seems like a lifelong pursuit to heal these generational wounds.
Estranged from my mother for over 15 years still going through the process of healing and making peace with the past
Thank you Jenna for being vulnerable and sharing your deep insights about your relationship with your mother. I can relate to most of what you shared. I personally went no contact with my mother about two years ago before she passed away this December. It was hard because I knew I risked feeling a lot of guilt and regret for my decision but I felt I had to stop denying that she was not attentive to my emotional needs. She expected me to take care of her and I struggled to take care of my own needs. Something had to give. This Hallmark holiday has made me realize that I am mourning her passing, hope for connection in the future and the fact that I am grieving her grief of not having her emotional needs met by her parents, all the generational trauma going back centuries. I feel overwhelmed and heavy with all these emotions of anger, deep sadness, grief and regret. I am trying to validate all those emotions. Thank you for this timely video. I will revisit it several more times as I digest everything.
The whole “my mom tried her hardest with the tools she had” thing doesn’t hold water. And the issue with that phrase is it keeps giving excuses to bad people. Allow me to explain:
My mom traded our food stamps for drugs. I was hungry, neglected and molested. My mom wasn’t in survival mode. She was in her mode. Everything was about her and I would debate her from logical perspectives early on and she had no good reasons to not give a f. But she jumped to help people outside our family who gave her attention.
Not everyone gets an excuse. When you don’t try, your excuses don’t matter. Some moms just didn’t try. Very different than trying and failing. 🇺🇸
You are absolutely correct! My mama was definitely all about her and jumped too help other people and their kids but her own. I can relate!
This was so relatable 😭. Thank you for sharing. The subject of a mother is such a sensitive one especially for a daughter. It's hard to talk about it or take space from one because so many people will guilt you into making things nice and forgiving your mother because “that's your mother, you only have one", especially within certain cultures and religions, they really drill that in so that makes you hold things in even more and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you rather than her.
I have had a strained relationship with my mom since I was a teenager.I'm now in my 30s and after many hurts, and not speaking, then speaking without anyone acknowledgeing or apologizing to me and being made to feel like I was always wrong and a grudge holder , I finally hit a wall, I was exhausted. All the hurt feelings I had buried deep for over 30 years came bubbling up, like the woman on the left, and I had an emotional breakdown for 2 days and 2 nights as aaaall the memories of how I had been gaslit, dismissed, denied, insulted, neglected, competed with, came rushing back at me all at once . It was the dark nights of the soul.
It took me a long time to finally validate the feelings of rejection, hurt and pain that have been caused by her and how its impacted my entire life.
It was a video here of a psychologist describing the narcissistic mother that hit me like a sledgehammer and resonated so strongly with everything my strong intuition had been telling me about how I was treated by my mother. Many times I would shutdown to protect myself and then would be called a grudge holder, which is another way of making me wrong for any of my feelings. Also many times I felt she was jealous of what I'd accomplished or had and so often would act competitive with me, so many uncomfortable conversations on the phone where I'd get off and be all tense and perturbed and say wtf was that? I would be in a good mood and share something good about my life only to get that icy, no energy, non supportive vibe. In person it was even more palpable. I soo wish I had a mother that celebrated me rather than the opposite😒. I get sad and teary when I see women with their moms talking about her being her best friend, I've never had that.. I think it also impacts female friendships too, you're just so weary of them because of what you go through with your own mom. Also the concept of emotional neglect validated soo much for me, that it gave me permission to cry and cry for myself, I guess I was crying for my inner child who has always felt emotionally alone, who became introverted as a child and lost herself in books and art and music and imagination where the characters and scenarios always make me feel heard, seen, cared about😢. I cried for the teen who was never believed and always the scapegoat. I cry for the 20 something who was ganged up on by my mom and her bratty narcissistic favourite daughter. It was aaall so wrong, so unfair and I still have anger and resentment and sadness for it😠. How do we let go?? Yes it does feel like grief but it's been 4 years since I first had that majour revelation and had some things to call it that validated what my inner being knew. How do I move on??
It's made me an avoidant person so I don't really have long term relationships despite craving them because one, I don't trust enough to let people in too close and two, I avoid conflict or stating my emotional needs because I was conditioned to think that I was always wrong, always the bad guy, that my feelings weren't valid, etc. That I should take what I could get. So I say nothing until anger and resentment builds up and I cut people off cold turkey because that seems like the only solution. As a result, I find myself lonely and wondering why, when I'm not a difficult or problematic person. I actually have deep empathy for peoole I cry for them, I feel their pain, I feel sad for them as if it's happening to me and am always willing to help.. But so few see that side of me because we never even get there since it takes me a long time to open up to people. I say that because I see plenty of problematic, difficult, very flawed people have plenty of relationships with plenty of people who put up with them. Again, I'm very angry and resentful at my mother for not only emotionally neglecting me, but impacting me in this way that continues to have negative effects on my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to change. I get sad, I get lonely, I get angry, I feel disconnected and I absolutely know that like Nicole, it's due to not having a close emotional bond with my mother. It's impacted my ability to really show or receive love because I don't like being vulnerable, I instead am strong and stoic but it's keeping me stuck. How do I fix it?
I literally only found all this out in mid 2018, I stopped speaking to my mother until early 2020 because I thought I had healed and decided to accept her narcissistic and immature ways and try to forgive. Mind you, I still hadn't told her everything that I had been angry at her for or sent a long letter describing everything, so I felt hopped in a way. Somehow I just decided to "make it nice", it's just like the girl on left said, you want so badly for the relationship to be something else that you deny reality because you're so exhausted by it. Ohh boy, huge mistake because by the end of that year, we fell out again because she automatically took a siblings side over mine and was trying to convince me the sibling didn't do anything wrong which I now recognize as gaslighting 😠. When I tell you, I was super triggered and felt even more betrayed but this time betrayed by my self! I couldn't believe I was back at square one and once again I had let her invalidate my feelings by making me wrong and she made me feel unloved, dismissed, unchosen 😢. I spiralled into a depression again and stopped speaking to her unless its to say Happy Birthday, etc. It was so painful but it was a lesson that I had swept everything under the rug and hadn't healed or learned how to deal with her. I'm stuck in limbo now. I know fixing or healing this situation is the key to open up the pathways for forming the other relationships I so deeply want, but I really don't know what to do 🙁.
I hope you do more shows about the inner child and parent child dynamics and give us tools on how to heal.
So much of what you’re saying I can identify with. I’m in my 60s and I still have relationship issues because people don’t really know me. As I read your message and applied some of Nicole and Jenna’s advice I realize that it’s about me holding back from people in my inner circle. I can’t open myself up to them for fear of experiencing similar pain I’ve felt from not getting my emotional needs met as a child. So yes, it makes sense to stop looking for it from where it will never and has never come, mom. And start giving myself the compassion, care and love that that little inner girl has needed for so long.
Hello, just want to send love to you. My relationship with my mom has been really difficult as well, I wrote about it a little above. I'm in contact with her right now but dont know that I will continue to be. There were a lot of things that just never should have happened. Period. It can be hard to accept that. I want to acknowledge the pain that you've been through. I can tell that you deeply crave connection to someone outside of yourself and hear that you are an empathic person and have a desire to heal.
You ask, how do we heal? The response that comes to me is that grief isn't linear. Part of being mad is grief right? It's not fair like, at all, but it does get better. We dont have to be perfectly healed in order to begin. Are there things you've done before when you've been hurt? Journaling? Growing plants? Join a boxing class? Talking to someone? Perhaps something like this is useful to you now.
As far as connecting with others and creating intimacy in friendships and partnerships it really is just a leap of faith sometimes... go slow, and protect your heart. Take care of your spirit and you will be able to know what feels right and is okay by you.
When you say fixing or healing do you mean you want to heal your relationship with your mom before you begin any other relationship? You want to heal your relationship with your mom? Are you saying that you want to start healing your own self with or without your mom? The latter is wise. Respect.
Do you have a counselor? In my experience this has been really helpful to help me process some of the larger hurts and do the work that I needed to do. It can be uncomfortable to open up but it is so worth it.
I hope you find some or all of this helpful. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. Sending good vibes ~~~
@@melm6614 Yes it does make sense, hard to do but I guess no pain, no gain. I wish you luck on your journey, it's a bumpy one with hopefully a rainbow at the end 🌈
@@cbutcher8650 Thank you for your kind words. I am grateful for this part of the internet where I can express my deepest, most painful thoughts and find people who get where I'm coming from regarding not just this topic, but life in general. It just makes me wonder why it's been so hard to find people like this in real life. I know I have to take responsibility in that I myself am probably emotionally unavailable because that's how I've learned to be via my parents.
Yes, I have a desire to heal myself first because I know that is the foundation from which everything else can improve. I'm deeply spiritual and into personal development so I know the responsibility lies with me. I'm not going to magically change my mother nor make my ideal friendships, relationships magically appear.. Though I still pray and am trying to apply law of attraction. I rely on my faith too 🙏🏻. I'm trying, I really am but getting depressed and sad about the situation does throw a wrench into things.
I plan on taking a couple of dance classes this week which always gives me a distraction from my thoughts and feelings and let's me connect to others through doing choreography together.. But honestly hobbies are just temporary distractions from doing the inner work. I don't know... I'm trying.
Again thank you for taking the time to offer some advice 🙏🏻
@Mel, Jenna here. Reading this reply brought tears to my eyes. I'm inspired by your willingness to see yourself from a different vantage point. The discovery you shared, and the actions you mentioned (giving yourself the compassion, care and love that the inner Little Mel has needed for so long) is profound. It is so beautiful to read the sharing here in these comments and witness how powerful, and inherently wise, we all are within when we're willing to look in a new way. Thank you for taking the time to listen, share and offer your loving support here! ♥
My struggle has been shifting the actions and reactions brought on by my abusive childhood towards my children in silence. Because society judges mom's. Society tells us what is right or wrong. Good or bad but not how we can change. For anyone who is really struggling to be a mother themselves following the trauma of their own childhood I want to put this post here on compassion vs. Judgement. I was imprisoned in my own hell. Knowing my physical actions towards my children were traumatizing but feeling isolated and shamed for fear getting help would result in them being taken away from me. How can we change these generational cycles if we do not start bringing compassion and awareness towards parents (& helping them find solutions) instead of shaming and judging them. Thanks so much for this beautiful, beautiful raw conversation.
"Judgement vs. Curiosity & Compassion.
What would you have done? Honestly allow yourself to truthfully answer... Would you have been on the side of judgement OR would you have been able to find space for curiosity and compassion. I share this story because we NEED to shift the way we interact and support each other in this world and I hope that maybe if you honestly answered judgement that next time you might seek curiosity & compassion.
This week at the camp site were staying at there was a family who actually ended up camping right behind us. When it came to bed time the child who was 2.5 began to cry uncontrollably and continued to cry in this way for the best part of an hour. It was very hard to listen to. The child was getting more uncontrollable and the mother was getting more and more angry to the point where she was shouting at her. The majority of our section of the campsite could here it and it was messy and sad. Eventually the child went to sleep only to wake and start her uncontrollable crying at 4am. At this point the whole camp site was absolutely silent and the screams of the child and the anger of the mother were even more pronounced and at one point we heard the little girl get a smack. Again it was not pleasant and very uncomfortable to listen to as well as it waking up the whole site.
In the morning the mother was still very triggered and the little girl was still struggling. The whole campsite was shooting the family looks, judging, speculating on what was happening, discussing what they believed the mother should have done. In my group I was the only one with kids and they looked to me expecting me to be horrified at the treatment of this little girl and disgusted by this mother. For me to join in the jeering but honestly all I felt was such a deep deep sadness and then anger. This woman could have been me, this woman reflected a time in my own life where I was drowning, I was struggling and all people could do was judge and watch me drown. I felt such a deep sense of sadness that we as a society feel it more acceptable to judge another than help another. I was fed up of it and so while everyone else judged I chose compassion and curiosity.
I knew that this mother may not want another woman butting her nose in her business. That she may be defensive at my curiosity but I was open to risking it in the hopes that I could maybe help if only by listening. I went over to her and asked how her little girl was. The mom was a bit on edge but explained that she couldn't understand why she's been so upset and explained about her being hot and having a rash. I listened and then offered my own experience and struggles with my own boys camping. About it being a new environment and that being a bit scary and also that I usually put my boys in the car (in the aircon) and take them for a drive when they just can't seem to settle. Between the cool air, some nice music and the hum of the car it works fantastic for me. I ended by telling her that I was next door if she needed anything and that I really understood the struggle and hopefully it would ease for her.
The next day the mother came to me an absolutely new woman. She had explained how she had spoken to her husband about what I said and the decided to try it when her daughter was struggling. That not only did her 2.5 year old have an amazing nap but her 4 year old also had an amazing nap AND both felt so safe and secure in their car seats they didn't even want to get out after their sleep but decided to chill. This mother was beaming and so full of gratitude, far from the angry woman I had seen the day before.
I spoke to her about our triggers and some things I find useful to do before I completely lose it with my kids and she admitted that that exactly had been the problem. She had felt so overwhelmed and unable to cope she just couldn't think straight anymore.
A long time ago I would have been the mother to judge. I would have felt like even talking to her would have been enabling and agreeing that such behaviour is acceptable but that was before I understood the truth of parenting through trauma.
What people don't understand is that yes, me speaking to this mom was to help her & have compassion for her but more than that it was to help her little girl. By lending compassion, listening to this mother, holding space for her & thankfully being able to give some options she was then able to show up with more presence, compassion, love and understanding for her own daughter. Where everyone stands by and judges, us as mother's feel even more triggered, more alone and more isolated which in turn only hurts our children more but in a world where there is compassion, curiousity and empathy anything is possible and we break down the walls between good and bad, right and wrong.
So next time you see another struggle, I hope you think of this story and hold space for another so that we can build a sisterhood of women not a battlefield xx"+
I found a mother figure in my early 20s. She has passed, and I was a huge mess. I realized she was the first person to have ever said she was proud of me. Once I discovered that, I was relieved. My own mother is a complicated woman. Her own mother was abandoned as a child and had a lot of problems growing up. My mother ended up being neglected her whole life, which is kind of how she treated us. She gave us all the basics (food, education, shelter), but she was never present emotionally. Same as my dad. They were both absent emotionally. This woman whom I met when I was older, gave me support, she gave me examples of what a healthy mother acted like, and even heard me in my toughest moments during my divorce. I had no idea I had a mother wound, and I am so glad that I was able to experience the motherly love through this amazing woman that walked into my life. Now I am ready to parent my own self, to heal and become the person that I dream of becoming. Thank you for your videos, I am learning so much from them. 😊
It struck me as somewhat funny how Jenna described Mother’s Day as a Hallmark celebration. I’ve always had a hard time buying a card because none of them said what was true for me. The one I found this year said, “The older I get” on the outside. The inside read “the more I realize how big your heart is”. She does have a big generous heart just doesn’t know how to show it but I love her as she is. I believe she loves me as I am too.
This is beautiful, Mel. Thank you for sharing ♥
While I totally appreciate your segment and it helps me understand my own dynamics with my mother …I would like others to understand another dynamic that is happening to the generation in the middle..at 61 I am dealing with my own awareness with my mother and my children’s awareness of me …it is a hard place to be in…because of my true love of my children and the fact that when they grew up it was very much survival mode …without access to many if any awareness tools..this caught in the middle is a tough place
So grateful you are sharing this perspective and experience here, Katje. Thank you. The path of witnessing and healing that you are choosing to be on is inspiring. You are certainly not along in this middle place. I was just chatting with Lolly a few days ago (this is Jenna) wondering about this very experience you're sharing here. I believe it's really important we begin to acknowledge and talk about this more. Thank you for contributing to this community and conversation! ♥♥
In the past I have also found myself doing the same in making my relationship with my mother prettier than it is. In some ways becoming a mother myself has held up a mirror and shown me that it's not all good. I also sometimes feel a bit of healing from trying to be the mother I wish I had. I'm not successful every moment but I give it my best and hope so much that it translates to my daughter.
Thank you so much for sharing Bethany. What you give to yourself and model for yourself will be what translates for her. Your being here, listening and commenting here shows who you are BEING for her in this moment. We celebrate you and the healing you continue to choose for yourself and therefore for your daughter ♥ ♥
I just recently listened to this video. Wow. I truly never realized just how many people are dealing with 'mommy issues.' It makes me feel so less alone. Thank you so much for your honesty! My mother is extremely critical. Of everything and everyone but she seems to actually like coming after me over my sister. The black sheep 🐑. But as I've gotten older I reeeally look at and listen to her. I love my mom. But she's fearful of everything. I've branched out throughout my life and gone places....done things that scared her to death. Still do. She's told me I'm the reason she's so angry. I'm the reason she's had health issues. She's told me she just wants to get away from me. She takes her frustrations out on me. I'm in the process of leaving and possibly going no contact with her until I feel safe. Anyhow...I listen to both of you every week or so and appreciate your authenticity and experiences that you share. ❤
Thank for higher clarity and understandable emoitional core issue enlightenment...previous dating of women who mimicked my toxic birth mother personality...narcissistic, rageful,
emoitionally distant...etc.....the confusion in my mind of love equels control, transactional love patterns, black/white thinking ...etc....a slow tedious road of recovery has unraveled the intertwined disease with my identity/personality...very grateful for your transparency and gut level honesty...keep the pods going:)
Listened to this on Mother's day, 2022 and cried the entire time. It feels good to hear people who can relate. My mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, so hearing your stories of having to cut your mother off was really eye opening for me. I didn't call my mom for mother's day. We texted, but I didn't have the capacity for anything more and this upset her. Listening to your podcast helped SO MUCH. Lots of tears. Thank you!
This is a brave conversation and an uncommon one. Thank you both. There is nothing more comforting than hearing discussed something you’ve felt so isolated, alone and different over. For years I was told, “you have to learn to love yourself… be your own parent.” Because I didn’t have a healthy loving role model showing me how to love myself… had the opposite….i couldn’t really understand how to love and parent myself. It was foreign to me. I just had way too much more of the other programming from childhood. I got into ACA last year - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional families and the solution there is “to become your own loving parent.” Little by little within a community of people who could relate to my experiences growing up in a challenging home, I started to grasp what it means to love myself and be MY loving parent and I finally BELIEVE I can do it. It’s hard but so worth it. They came out with the Loving Parent Guidebook. It’s rich in information about being our own Loving parent and working with the inner child and inner teen. There is so much shame that comes with this topic as well as pain and it take so much work, but it really is worth it. Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you so much for sharing here, @ B Bard. Jenna here. Your words inspired me tremendously and also helped me feel not alone by hearing your own experience. Thank you. I am committed, for life, to dissolving that shame. Your being here with such vulnerability and authenticity are doing exactly the same. Dissolving the shame. Grateful for you! ♥
Thank you so much for sharing your stories, and for your vulnerability about emotions that come with this day. I needed to hear this.
It's helpful to hear Jenna talk about practically the same issues I am going through with my own mother right now. So grateful to not feel alone in that. Today I woke up and contemplated even reaching out to my mother because of all the hurt that she has caused with her choices. Yet I did anyway to protect her feelings.
The mother wound is a huge area I'm working on healing and growing from. I'm also glad you brought up AA, because that was a reminder of somewhere I can go too. I know myself and many others who go through similar experiences will find value from this episode. Thank you again! 💕
Thank you so much for commenting and for listening, Amanda ♥ You're not alone, at all.This is Jenna. Reading your comment and hearing a bit of your experience (how similar or relatable ours are) helps me to not feel alone, too. So thank you for taking a moment to be courageous and vulnerable. We really appreciate you sharing and am really inspired by the journey of healing you are choosing. Sending lots of love to you ♥
A really painful topic. I couldn't cry when my mother died, even though intellectually I knew I probably should. My mother never was available emotionally for me or any of my siblings. For a long time I thought that it I was the only 1 of the 8 siblings feeling neglected, but since 'Doing the Work' I have had interesting conversations with my siblings asking how they experienced their relationships with our mother. All I can say is that I am not alone ... they also experienced a distance to a lesser or greater degree. Our mother's inability to support us emotionally impacted us negatively, but there are also positives ... like the relationships among us (the siblings).
Thank you so much for sharing here with this community, Karlien. We highly suggest the book: The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect if you haven't read it already. Appreciate your vulnerablity and contributing to this conversation ♥
@@SelfHealersSoundboard Thanks so much! ❤️ I am definitely going to read the book.
Thank you Jenna & Nicole! Great reminders and I appreciate the honest that Mother’s Day isn’t all roses and sunshine for everyone. My mother was killed by a drunk driver when I was 19 and it took me many, many years to not live in the fantasy of who she was and what I projected our relationship was like. My father was an alcoholic too. My mom was codependent, put me in the parent role, projected all over me, shamed me and couldn’t be the mom I needed. She also had lovely traits and was a nurse. Mother’s Day is a hot button for me even after all these years and having kids of my own. I’ve been in Alanon for almost 15 years and it’s transformed my life. Jenna hope you find a group that’s the right fit and you feel the love and support for people who know
and have experienced the disease of addiction.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing here, Kalen. This is Jenna. I'm so grateful you've found support and transformation in a community of those who have experienced addiction. Your words hit home and I appreciate your being here so much. So proud of you and the healing you're choosing to end the cycle. ♥
A Mother’s Day episode!!…. Thank you so much
We got you!! ♥ Thank you for listening and commenting Ryanne. Sending you much love.
Love this besides the excuses that we’re stated for our mothers not having google etc for tools, there’s no excuse for not wanting to be a good mom
41:55 I started getting nauseous. Thank you for allowing me to feel, I am sick of being numb.
My relationship with my mother has improved so much over the years. discovering how my own trauma and hers come into play has been eye opening. the part where you emphasize yeah it sucks to have not got the proper care needed to thrive and seeing how parent's trauma has impacted my own life and choices. Having to unstick ourselves and say I am the parent now and its up to me to do things differently, hmmm that really hits home. Its tough to always embrace that or show compassion for yourself enough to have to do the work and parent yourself as the only way to change the circumstances
Stumbled upon your channel today and glancing at your episode lists, I'm looking forward to listening to them all! Thank you so much for putting this out here for us.
I needed this. So many people celebrate the occasion, and it left me feeling a bit sad and angry. You've explained it much better than I could.
We definitely get your experience feeling a bit sad and angry. Thank you for being here and sharing, Nicole. Grateful this was timely for you ♥
Wow! Spot on. Fascinating!! Thank you so much for this vlog.
This awareness and permission is so needed !
this conversation is so resonate within my soul. i’m so glad y’all are here & creating such a cozy, comfortable place to explore a tough wound. my heart is beaming from finding this channel ♡☺️
thank youm you helped a lot of people, keep going
Thankyou for the podcasts Father and Mother. Very interesting discussions.
So validating, so brave, I can't thank you all enough.
What a groundbreaking podcast. Thank you,. I’ve always dealt with everything alone - it’s challenging to discuss - but you two both described bits and parts that resonated in many ways. I am a mother now,. So it’s a continuous cycle of reflection, evaluating why and how and what .. as I navigate this role. ♥️
Thank you so much for being here, Mama O! We are so grateful for it. Being here, in this discussion, reflecting and prioritizing the healing of Little Mama O while being a mother yourself is (we believe) the greatest gift you could possibly give to your children. You're breaking cycles, creating a new.
I’m going to be rewatching this several times, thank you so much, this is deeply helpful. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability, thank you for opening your hearts to help our heart and help us do the work we need to do.
@Ducky, thank you so much for this love. Thank you for listening, taking the time to comment, and being willing to choose your own heart and healing. We are grateful you're here in this community ♥
This was absolute one of the most healing episodes. I am really grateful for the dialectic way of looking at mother or caregivers as being good and genuine and also as someone who was not attuned to our particular needs. I am so grateful for your openness and vulnerability and respectful way of talking about this and the people involved.
I wish I could put this in font format and send it to my mom. I know she won’t listen if I link it but this is exactly what I’ve been trying to explain to her for years! Literally every.single.word 👌🏻 Felt so validating hearing this, thank you so much Jenna & Nicole 💕 so grateful I found you ladies!
Mother wound is one thing, but father wound is the other. Many of us didn't learn what a healthy, mature male is like so we struggle to make connections.
Thank you for being so honest and raw. I'm 56 now and was abused and neglected by both my mother who has now passed on and also my step father. I've never been able to parent my own children and gave my first child up. All my relationships and friendships have failed. All my therapy sessions have failed. I live in deep regret shame, unworthiness and alienation from my brother and other son. I'm trying hard to love my inner child and have done years and years of inner healing practises. Unfortunately nothing has worked and I'm very emotionally dysregulated and triggered most of the time. I wish I had your inner strength and luck. I'm no victim and have only Love and forgiveness for my parents but feel so so alone and misunderstood 💔
But you do have the same inner strength as they do. We all have. Never give up on yourself!
Thank you, Nicole and Jenna, for this and all the other insights you’ve given me to come closer to knowing myself, accepting myself, loving myself, taking care of myself ❤️
You are giving yourself the most miraculous gift: your Self. Thank you for listening and sharing here with us, Dianne! ♥
Thank you both so much. This episode and episode 15 were really the most relatable things I’ve seen at all. I’ve searched and searched for something that relates to my situation and episode 15 just popped up on my suggested podcasts on Spotify one day.
I lost my Momma to overdose 2 weeks ago and her funeral is tomorrow. We were strained but I always felt (and still do) responsible for her well being and happiness. You guys have helped me so much by sharing your experiences and stories. I have 7 siblings, but every single one of us had such a different relationship with her and it can feel very isolating when grieving her now and even before she left this earth. Being the youngest of 8, I had experienced a very different Mother than my older siblings. I was always her caretaker, mentally and in more recent years, financially. This past year was the first time I have ever set boundaries with her and now that she’s gone I am feeling alot of regret and guilt for giving myself space from her. I am working towards letting the regret go and y’all are a huge help with acknowledging that I did and do deserve to put boundaries in place to protect myself.
Thank you again I am so grateful to have found yall.
This was so healing. Thank you.
Thank you is not enough 🙏🏾 ❤
Excellently articulated … sending love and healing to all inner children ❤
Amen ♥ Thank you so much for listening and be here, Dede ♥
Thank you for sharing this. It’s helpful to hear your experience. ♥️🙏
Thank you for this episode. I experienced such grief and mourning on Mother’s Day and my mom is alive. I mourn and weep for her, and for myself. I felt so heavy on this day. I was able to hold space for myself and allow myself to feel and move through them. As, I watch this episode the feelings are coming up all over again, I’m weeping. I’m feeling resentful, I know this is a process and I will continue to show up. Thanks again for this episode.
Thank you so much for your sharing here, TJ. Your articulation of your experience is beautiful and resonates so deeply. I (this is Jenna) feel that resentment bubbling up as well, as I grieve what Little Jenna did not receive, as well what Little Marcia (my mom) did not receive as a child or learn to give to herself as an adult. I am so glad you're here
@@SelfHealersSoundboard Thank you for seeing me, I feel that as well!
My therapist just sent me this video. I’m so grateful to have listened to it. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother, it’s more like non existing. This was really helpful. I really wish I could have a similar platform to share my story, I think that would really help.
Your both awesome!!
Thank you for sharing with such an insightful process. Has added to my process too. We can learn from your narrative seeing dynamics of these precious relationships with ‘mother’
Thank you so much, Jas! Love how we all can learn from one another and grateful this has supported your own process. After all, we're all just walking each other home... :) (Ram Dass)
Thank your of listening and sharing here!
Thank you so much for sharing and for the openness, it is really helpful to understand little huge things that mark our life’s and how to change it. As to stop being the parent of my parent and being my own parent that I need. This is so significant, and it took me a long, long time to being conscious about it than to hear it helps me understand I am on the right path. I wish I had heard it sooner, but I am still happy to know it today!
So grateful you put this episode on your path, Ana! Thank you for sharing yourself with us here. We're celebrating how far you have come! ♥
Thank you for your conversation! ❤️✨
You are so welcome -- thank you for allowing the space for it to be and for listening and sharing here, Szenka! ♥
Just started listening. Have to finish later but I will be watching with my whole family. Thank you guys for leading with vulnerability. I appreciate your heart for healing ♥️ 💓 ❤️
We appreciate you so much, Jeannee! Did you watch with your whole family? We can only imagine what it would have been like to have these conversations become a family event as children. What an incredible and powerful experience to share together. Thank you for listening and for sharing! ♥
@@SelfHealersSoundboard I watched the first half with my youngest 16 yr old son and 17 yr old daughter. I think it was a little heavy so we plan to finish it later and tonight is the perfect opportunity. i am so glad for the you guys giving me the ability to share in such an open way with then. I appreciated the acknowledgment that it's not easy to talk about for moms and I have never been able to express any kind of pain I endured from my mom to my mom. I want my children to know that I will listen and i told them that i want to talk about the things we have been through and the ways that i have hurt them. That being open about our failures and how we've hurt one another can lead to healing. Thank you again. Your work is so important!
Wow I needed this so bad thank you ❤
I wanted to say for Jenna that what i was hearing about old wounds coming up in relationships is that doing the work is step one on an individual basis and all of a sudden once that healing is within relationship the edges of the wound become exposed and there is more work to do, and sometimes falling back in to old patterns can be part of that, but that staying true to the mission, being open and honest will help a person deepen their healing journey and have a better opportunity to face habits patterns and trauma in relationship especially with a person who is understanding and has worked to find compassion and healing of their own conditioning and wounds ;)
I feel that this video will change my life...! Thank you! I asked the universe to show me and here you are. Thank you for your vulnerability...
The Universe prevails :) Thank you so much for tuning into this video and connecting with us here, Jeannie! We hope this video offers you support ♥️♥️♥️
Thankyou thankyou thankyou💜🙏
Your video has really helped me in sooooo many ways
☮️💕
Great conversation
First off, I want to say thank you so much for creating this episode and thank you both, for being so vulnerable. The Mother Wound is something I have been battling with a lot lately. When Mother’s Day is approaching, I get really anxious for 2 reasons - 1. I was born on Mother’s Day 2. I never celebrate myself on my birthday for that reason. Growing up I never felt celebrated within my household because Mother’s Day always feel on or around my birthday; so the focus was always on my mom. When I tell people I was born on Mother’s Day they say, “Aww so special”, but for me it’s not special at all. I feel so much shame and guilt for not having those same sentiments. I turned 32 this year and it was the first time I EVER celebrated myself 😢 I invited a few friends out and had a dinner. For me, it was a HUGE deal, but I am proud of myself. I still live at home because I don’t have the funds to move out at the moment (Thanks CALIFORNIA!); so I am often triggered by my mom. She has addictions and her own problems. Growing up my mom verbally abused me about my looks and things that brought me joy. I feel the reason I am very introverted stems from this; I use to be so free as a child. I hope that someday I can find my way back to that joy and to that little girl. Sorry I wrote so much, I really needed to hear this discussion. ❤️
My mother and father would disown me if I shared like this on RUclips. I totally relate. I have mother issues...even today I ended up in tears because I just can't handle the head games. The emotional manipulation. She's not going to change.
Thank you for this content. I knew I had a wound with my father, he was physically abusive, mentally, etc. I never realized the wound I had with her because she didn't protect me from him. I have 2 sisters that he didn't and today doesn't treat them the way he treats me. Once I realized the issue with my Mom I was able to see she treated me in the she ways he had abused and treated her. Generational trauma at its finest, but I turned in a heroin addict ( been off that and drugs for 5 years) but I messed my kids up. But, I was lucky to have my addiction because it helped me to look at the relationship I had with my children. I can't change my parents and I love them, they do not seem this info, they still believe they are RIGHT. But I do wish to seek the info for my kids and myself. That's healing even if they never change.
Thank you so much to you both 🙏 It is incredible how many posts/videos I have seen around " Mother's day " and holding space for the reality that it is a difficult and challenging day for so many. I even did my own! My Mum passed away 9 years ago and healing the Mother wound has been central to my healing. It was tough still for me this Mother's day. I felt the trauma of not only myself, but the collective acknowledging and making space to feel from an honest and vulnerable space. I honour you both for allowing your vulnerability. Quite outstanding and beautiful though very painful at the same time. There are so many of us " doing the work" and that ripple is so absolutely beautiful and amazing. Learning to care and love ourselves so we may know how to embody the love for others ❤️ Much love 🙏
You are that ripple, Antionette!! Thank you so much for your presence and sharing here. It gives so much hope (and validation!) to read you saw many posts/videos (and made your own!) around holding the space for the reality of Mother's Day for so many. That is the change we are each becoming ♥ Thank you for listening and contributing here ♥
@@SelfHealersSoundboard ❤️🙏
Thank you girls for this topic
You are so welcome Re Li. Thank you for listening and commenting here ♥ ♥
Thank you for this. My mother is physically and emotionally abusive. She’s the reason my sister ran away, but of course my mom and her narcissistic victim complex doesn’t blame herself. She talks sht about her. My mom is the worst person I’ve ever met. I’ve never experienced love or affection from her. I never knew what it feels like to be safe and unparanoid or calm in a household, I’m afraid I’ll never find out. This type of hurt stays and scarrs for the rest of our lives.
❤ Thank you!
♥♥ You are welcome! Thank YOU for listening and commenting here!
Jena, me too about the idealization of a time of neglect in reality.
Yessss yes yesss
I’m on only a few minutes in….and I just need to say thank you for sharing this.
Thank you ❤️🙏
A gift for us to have your listening, Sandi! Thank you ♥♥
Hi, you two, and everyone reading, first thanks so much for this episode, if I'm being totally transparent I needed it. This year was the hardest mother's day yet I think because I was actually feeling my feelings which at times I have thought of as a luxury because yes, survival. (deep exhale here, lol). But seriously, the part where I think Dr. Nicole, you talk about how deep the grief is really brought me home and that's the truth. So on point. The grief is really so deep. Naming this only makes it easier to heal instead of trying to keep tough emotions at bay or "heaven forbid" we start pathologizing them. Deep gratitude for this acknowledgement and for normalizing healing and the unpretty 🙏🏻
The relationship with the person who was my primary caregiver - who does happen to be cis-female- in my adult life is very complex. We ahve had a lot of phases. I've named a lot of the abuse that occurred (and continued to occur in disruptive, disturbing and deeply traumatic ways even into my adult life as I was healing and learning how to set boundaries and in a big way during my Saturn return) I've named this TO my mother which I dont know if this was actually helpful or not. I think I started to do this so that she could know where my boundaries were and because I wanted accountability but it didn't always work out the way I wanted. 😂 and so I can relate to what Jenna is saying as well because it does make you feel like the worst person ever to say what is real for you - which yes, that is your right - that is your story - because it hurts them. And in our healing we have to put ourselves first, like you all said. I'm not saying I have any answers I'm just sharing my experience - I'm just not very good at being quiet about my truth in personal relationships anymore lol, so she gets to hear all of it... it hurts her and it's an evolving situation where you're feeling out what is necessary to say and what is not, where my boundaries are and even at times how many times she got to cross them. Like, what I'm accepting at this point in my life. At times it is tiring and confusing. At times its ugly. I went no contact for awhile. and other times we have a great conversation and its laughter and fun. And she's been able to hear me sometimes and actually be really supportive. I dont have kids so I'm not modeling for anyone btu I did take that space so that I could heal. We're all human. I can appreciate her for who she is - like Jenna said - we can separate the reality from the human. That's an important insight (Jenna). I appreciate the fact that so much of what I didn't receive as a child is also what she didn't receive. But i'm also not going to martyr myself or stick around when it doesn't feel right or when boundaries are being crossed. Because breaking generational curses right!? And I have to laugh at times because I'm just remembering when I will realize like something she did that's just like, OMG my own mother did that, aaaay! And just vow to do better, right?
I could go on, I thought this was really insightful, like how we like to make things "pretty" because we're low-key acting out the fantasy child-parent relationship the one we wanted and didn't get. But honestly? I think grief is the key because it is cleansing and makes space for new to be planted and grow. Awareness and embodying is really good too. Ya'll are doing great work, this was really spot on.
Big hug for you, for all you have been through and for doing ‘your work’ and being compassionate and loving towards other people ❤️
@@rianne3015 Aw, thanks, Rianne, igualmente
Felt your words @C Butcher. Thank you for the time you took share with us all here. This is Jenna. Reading this brought me right back to those feelings of deep grief and parallel gratitude for that grief, for what has been and what is left to heal. Thank you for sharing parts of your own story and experience, and sharing what resonated most with you. We can each learn so much from hearing one another in our own voices and I really appreciate you taking the time to do that here. ♥♥
Thank you @Rianne for the love you contribute to this community ♥
I have a 6 year old daughter. I take breaks from healing and accepting. I guess a recent trigger was watching the movie on Netflix luckiest girl alive…the mother reminded me of my own to the point where I asked my sis if she watched the movie. So hard to put into words how all these little things can have an impact. I love my mom but man I can’t be around her too many days in a row.
I have found myself stuck as well. I feel like I forgive my mom but her current behavior isn't much better then it was when I was 15 and while i do understand I am responsible for my healing, im finding myself becoming resentful and hurt again when I am open with her a about how I feel and she doesn't change at all.
🖤Thank you
♥ Thank you for listening, Sundae!
I've heard, I think it was James Hillman talk about fathering the child within, and this reminds me of that. I love my mom, but sometimes I find it hard to agree with how she sees the world.
Thank you both so much for this podcast. It is extremely helpful. I had a very similar childhood as Jenna. Would either of you have any recommendations for disassociation? I have been on a healing journey for 4 years now. I have come a long way but I have so few childhood memories that I have been feeling a bit stuck lately. Thank you again!
I've struggled so much with female friendships because I never had a woman in my life I could trust. I clung to female teachers who were kind to me simply because I wanted a mother figure SO badly. And that makes me so angry. Would you consider doing an episode about this type of struggle?
Reminds me of how fun it is to be single on valentine's day. Can really put a sour tone on the holiday
@Mookymookymoo It's interesting to witness how we all feel when we don't resonate with the cultural or societal stereotypes/"norms". You're not alone! Thanks for sharing here ♥
Having a child is a privilege. It’s the most important job in human history… You are raising the next generation of leaders, thinkers, movers.. parents take this sacred duty too lightly… good parenting is the key to our success as a species.
Thank you for this episode I feel as if this episode was made special for me as I’m In the stage now to make space for grieving the mom I always wanted but never had.
It sure was made special for you, @Boruch Perl! Jenna here. Thank you for listening and sharing. Holding that space for yourself-being willing to compassionately accept and grieve what you deserved and did not receive-is transformative. I'm with you in that space, too ♥
I’ve signed up your course. Did some of stuff. But with depression anxiety fear I can’t Seem to let go of trauma pain and fear of letting go a whole pack of family that are narcissist for over 30 years I’ve had to deal with this pain. Now after no contact it still hasn’t changed the wanting the family but they made it clear this is us we will continue to disrespect you hurt u gaslight rage at you and even to my own kids they do same. When I try get to stop say I’m trying to do gentle parenting they will just ignore me and say so what if your child is sensitive or has mental issues seizures from too much crowds noise yelling I’m like stop the loud taking arguing demanding she gets hurts stop. Nope they say who cares sezures are fake u are to sensitive empath and can’t be tuff. They won’t even allow u to parent your way. And everytime trying to discuss anything mother just has jealous rage putting siblings to attack me. When I’m there I cry everytime how much they hurt u now I would cry washroom. Because they would say oh sis did we make u cry again and laugh. Mother is evil she now is starting the pattern on to our kids grandkids says to my kid your fat and to sensitive but your cousin is smart. I ask her can u stop telling comparing them she would say nope it’s truth I favor him over your daughter. Because she hates me abused me years now it’s like competing with my friends my looks.. my daughter would be like grandma why don’t u love me like cousin she says cuz you are not as smart and always loud not listen. She cry’s says I love you I try so hard but cousin is loud angry u never say anything to him. I’m just trying to stand up for myself. Mom says we’ll you shouldn’t u do what we I say then I will love you. I remove my daughter tell her it’s not hwe calm her down. It’s hell with siblings I’m only one that isn’t allowed a voice I have to take it. My problem is me my inner child just wants love from my mom and family but they won’t give it. Why am I trauma bonded to them when I fully know see they are narcs won’t change it feels like energetic ties before my awaking I was able to tolerate it now I’m so sensitive to energies especially toxic pl. I’m trying to break cycle as I’m told I am one . But How can I if fear of letting go whole family leaves me survival fear anxiety years mode. How can u heal while having kids Brain fog health issues I feel so angry hurt and just want to say u sick family it’s your fault I’m like this.. now I can barley parent be good mom. Like they will send message months later hey if u unblock the main crazy sister that runs this cult we will be nice. But everytime I talk to her she break me she becomes evil saying doing all narc tactics my hands shake just seeing text from her. I don’t think I can heal. What the point of being empath and your whole life falling apart and no support. I’m done
omg i couldn't after coming to the realization. I have so much guilt especially during the years of the pandemic. I'd like to be able to spend time with my family but i just can't without screaming because they've no idea that i even know or that it even exists.
I loved this and find it very empowering to be responsible for my own parenting. Can I assume that you can apply the same lessons to the 'father wound'? My dad wasn't my primary caregiver, but a lot of what I need to work through seems to stem back to him. Is there a difference between a mother wound and a father wound?
💚💚💚
So much love to you!
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation:
00:47 Jenna *reflects on mourning and grieving the idealized relationship with her mother, acknowledging the harsh reality of past abuse and neglect.*
02:35 Nicole *emphasizes the importance of speaking one's truth, even if it involves acknowledging painful realities, and discusses the impact on relationships.*
06:30 Jenna *shares her experience of revisiting past wounds and childhood dynamics in her current relationship, highlighting the challenges of facing unresolved issues.*
09:00 Nicole *talks about the need to separate personal truth from judgment, recognizing the limitations of parents shaped by their own traumas and conditioning.*
11:20 Nicole *reflects on the impact of unmet emotional needs during childhood, leading to patterns that persist into adulthood and affect relationships.*
13:51 Acknowledging *mothers and mother figures, Nicole encourages self-compassion for those doing their best with the tools and awareness available in the present.*
16:51 Jenna *and Nicole discuss the complexities of Mother's Day, recognizing the diverse experiences people have with motherhood and suggesting self-reflection on societal influences.*
21:23 Jenna *shares her experience of navigating Mother's Day after choosing no contact with her living mother and the added complexity of grieving a deceased mother.*
22:19 Reflecting *on childhood, the speaker acknowledges the tendency to paint it positively, avoiding the painful truth. The awareness of this coping mechanism is crucial for healing the mother wound.*
25:17 Healing *often involves grieving the idealized relationship with a mother figure. The importance of creating space to become one's own guiding mother and meeting the unmet needs of the inner child is emphasized.*
28:16 Taking *responsibility for one's healing journey is key. Despite past pain and resentment, the speaker emphasizes the choice to move forward and break generational patterns.*
32:33 Acknowledging *and processing anger and resentment while maintaining love for the mother is a delicate balance. Setting boundaries and fulfilling one's own needs become essential for personal growth.*
37:48 Being *a living embodiment of change involves both awareness and making new choices. The impact of this transformation goes beyond oneself, influencing future generations and fostering positive change in relationships.*
42:40 The *responsibility to acknowledge the inner child within and intentionally meet its unmet needs is emphasized. Parenting oneself is the foundation for becoming a conscious and evolved adult, influencing the next generation.*
45:15 The *podcast emphasizes the opportunity for listeners to make new choices, embody change, and create a future aligned with what they deserve. The goal is to inspire self-reflection, consciousness, and the expansion of emotional space for personal growth.*
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Has anyone noticed that Nicole looks a bit like Frida Khalo ? Not just the physical appearance, but to me she also has a bit of that "vibe" ...
BTW, great topic, I appreciate it .
Ha, we do recognize the resemblance you're mentioning! Glad you enjoyed this topic :) Thanks for commenting here, Mirjana!
@@SelfHealersSoundboard
I see it clearly now that you mention it!
Have you ever spoken with your mothers about the hurt? If so were they receptive? Is it even worth having the conversation when you know it may have a negative reaction? I greatly appreciate this conversation.
Sometimes the communication is for *ourselves* and not for the other person. When we get to a place in our healing where we can witness the objectivity of the hurt, of a relationship/situation/experience, we usually want so badly to believe the other person will hear from the same vantage point that we have just arrived at. Rarely, if ever, is that the case. This is Jenna. I have, yes, in various ways attempted to speak with my mother about the hurt. I've learned we only hear what we are willing to hear. I discovered that my desire to express it to her was more of my own need to express it period - to feel it, to grieve it, to embody and transmute it. Otherwise I just buried it within and was letting it fester, erupting elsewhere and onto others. While there is no right or wrong way to go about it, it IS up to us to be mindful how we are expressing and communicating our pain to those who have hurt us. Are we knowingly (whether we want to admit it or not) attempting to live out our attachment to the fairytale fantasy in our minds of how they'll respond? Or, are we in reality and setting our future self up for success by being compassionately and radically honest with ourselves- setting boundaries where needed and finding other ways to express ourselves that may better support the person we are becoming. You will know what is best for you. I've found it really powerful to write letters to a parent, a person who has hurt or abused me, etc.. For some, this is the only and safest way to release the emotion and grief that is stored within. Especially if the person has since died. Pour your heart into it and say everything you're needing to say. Then, tear it up and throw it out.
Thank you for listening, commenting and contributing to this community conversation, Diana! Grateful you're here ♥
Can you speak to the reality that the journey to healing is isolating and painful, and how to care for yourself when you quite literally are the only one doing so?
You were talking of how we still have some type of relationship with mom. I had all these things boiling in me living with her, I moved this year January. Turned 21 in April, I have no contact with her because of all the built up rage. I have no idea how to communicate because her response will be ignorant and idk how to work with her. I don’t know if I even want to have contact at all, I just want her to change. But I can’t change my mom?
HAHA on Mother’s Day 😂😂
Thank you Jenna. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts! Could someone please share Nicole's last name and link to her work? I appreciated her contributions. Thank you!
How can you say she's a beautiful person when she was abusive? No judgment, I'm truly asking from a place of trying to understand. That's what I can't get past personally. How do I continue to have a relationship with these people who have the same energy, use the same languages, use the same tactics with me even as an adult? How do you heal when the behaviors continue, let alone have a relationship with them? Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Does Jenna have a website?
Hi I’m curious Nicole during you mr period of separation from your mother did she ever reach out? I know you say she was emotionally distant so I wondered how she reacted to your distance.. I’m currently experiencing this now and it’s heavy because it’s like my mum accepts it so easily and makes no effort💔
This is confusing to me because one of my sister's were my mom as a child i get confused.
it is very odd..people celebrate independence yet are heavily invested in the cult-ure of existence. what is mother's day? who decided this was necessary? the pressure to be part of the cult-ure and all the mental and emotional hooks attached.
It might help to know that the earliest mention of a “Mothers’ Day” (note the apostrophe) had a completely different meaning. It was a call to action by Julia Ward Howe for women to come together in an effort to gain power to change modern society. It was after the carnage of the civil war and Franco-Prussian war had left her feeling dismayed about all the lives lost. She felt that mothers would be less inclined to want to see other mothers’ sons killed and more likely to seek other ways of resolving conflict. Later came Mother’s Day and the focus on individual Moms that is celebrated now. I just learned this today from a daily newsletter/blog by historian Heather Cox Richardson.
@@sandragola1485 what happens to the mother the remaining 364 days. what makes this day relevant? the contrast exposes the hypocrisy and perpetual guilt.
@Sandra Gola, thank you for sharing this here! ♥
@A Quick Story Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us here ♥
She was loving and supportive of my 2 sisters and my brother.
To me?
AWFUL.
Critical,
Name-calling,
Leaving me out of family events...
Oh God..im.not gonna list them all.
Anyway...
Here i am 59 years old and i feel so "little" still.
Why was "i" so inherently unlovable?!😢
Feedback: Nicole consistently gives techniques To utilize and healing. Jenna talks about her self and her process. If you look at the air time of who speaks about 70% of this video is Jenna talking about herself. How to heal the mother wound is a great topic but if The vast majority of the video is Jenna talking about herself it does not fulfill The title of the video
Do you by chance know a link to Nicole's work? I found her contributions very helpful. Thank you.
I am still so very angery around the mother
I dont like mothers day.