Religious Trauma: Why you feel inadequate.
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- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
- For those of us who feel like we can never get ahead, and feel like there is something inside of us that holds us back. There is.
It's important to understand how we were set up in order to be able to move past the things that are holding us back. You are not intrinsically flawed, but you may remember feeling incapable a lot of the time especially if you grew up in a traumatic environment under traumatic beliefs .
I hope this video is helpful in understanding yourself a little bit better. There is a way forward and you are not alone in the journey.
The next time you feel inadequate, remind yourself where it comes from and that you no longer need to believe it.
🙏🏼- Angel
I remember when I left my extremely religiously abusive mother to get married to my regular abusive boyfriend at 16 with no education or work experience, I always looked at anyone who did anything more than staring at a wall all day as some type of superman or superwoman. I couldn't understand how people had the capacity to learn anything. Doctors and scientists and astronauts just blew my entire mind. I truly believed I was the dumbest person in the world. I couldn't wrap my mind around how these people were so capable of doing so many things when I could barely survive each day just staring at a wall. I thought I would never amount to anything more than just a mom. And when I left religion being a mother of 3 daughters I suddenly realized that raising entire human beings was one of the heaviest things in the world and when my entire belief system was stripped I suddenly felt extremely inadequate as a mother because I was so terrified of them turning out like me. Just a giant ball of anxiety incapable of doing anything. I look back on my journey and the hundreds of mountains I've climbed and think to myself that most people wouldn't have made it out alive yet I still feel so completely inadequate. It finally makes sense why. Most people I knew weren't living their entire lives in survival mode like I was. In a constant state of heightened adrenaline and fight or flight. As a young child I had resigned myself to a life of misery and didn't know that anything else was even a possibility up until recently. Thank you for giving me the tools to figure it out. I haven't yet tried healing specific traumas because they feel so huge but I will be working on getting a trauma informed therapist soon. Right now I feel like I'm in this uncomfortable calm where I'm trying to just let everything settle and gather my strength to face what I've been through in order to move forward. Your videos are a lifeline for me and I aggressively share them with other people who are dealing with rts lol. I'm so unbelievably grateful for the work you do. You've completely changed my life and given me the pathways to healing. Thank you so much ❤
Thank you for sharing that, I think so many will resonate with your story. I'm so glad that you are at the part where you are taking control of your healing and learning to become yourself . No one deserves to be put down for all of their life and I'm glad that you are working towards healing, that requires so much courage, well done.
Parts of your story remind me of me but also of my mother. Thank you for sharing and yes we are luckier than some because some don’t ever get out from under these heavy feelings. Along with Angel these few helped me with cPTSD: Dr Gabor Mate, The Crappy Childhood Fairy, and Patrick Teahan. All have tons of stuff on RUclips. I’ve had the time to sift through and I find Angel and those 3 the best quality help on these topics. Also check out Jon Kabat-Zinn specifically his book Full Catastrophe Living. it was by chance I found an old water warped copy in a rental car. It was life changing! As he frequently always stated in his old lectures “there is more right with you than wrong with you” ❤️✌️
@strangelitgirl thank you so much for sharing this with me! I appreciate it more than you know and I'm so glad you escaped as well! I wish you the best!!
@@rachelnail4622 you are welcome. I never thought I had the right to tell my story but I realize since Angel told hers I do and we all have to help each other ❤️
@@strangelitgirl you're absolutely right! Hearing them from people has been so helpful and felt a lot less isolating for sure.
I always noticed that I clammed up around my family members. I could never pinpoint the exact cause, but I'm glad to know now that I felt socially inadequate and would "withdraw" from conversation to either protect myself or to prevent myself from saying something "stupid" or "ignorant". It's going to be a long road to recovery, but I'm glad that at least I know the trauma.
Yes! Me too
Instead of feeling inadequate, I had "learned helplessness" engrained within myself.
There was nothing that I could do to fight back against my abuse. So the only thing that I could do, was contract into myself, try to disappear and not be noticeable, and simply endure whatever trauma that I needed to endure to get past that moment. To dissociate my mind from my body and from Reality.
Yes, absolutely this is a really big one. I just learned about this recently too. Would love it if you could share some resources that helped you learn more about it? Thank you for sharing, I know this stuff is hard.
Love this video. All the while growing up I had this feeling of inadequacy that felt baked into my system. I would do my best to try and raise my confidence and self worth, kind of pull myself up by my boot straps but I would always just slide right back down. It's only since learning about complex ptsd and finally walking away from abusive situations that my self worth is gradually becoming more steady. Something I still struggle with at times is the mental chatter going on in my mind. Since I've walked away from religion I feel more peaceful on one hand but I still have intrusive fearful thoughts about God punishing me and bad things happening to me to teach me a lesson for having left. Still on that journey in feeling confident that I can make good decisions and be okay outside of the religion.
You absolutely can make better decisions and thrive outside a religion that made up a world for you to be afraid of, and a god that is always disappointed in you. I'm so glad that you are learning about ptsd and creating your self worth!! The thing that helped me when intrusive thoughts would come up is reminding myself "I'm mentally better than I was 6 months ago" and that was enough to keep me slowly but steadily going.
This can stop even the bravest souls in their tracks. I'm recognizing items from childhood that have blocked progress in my adult life. I'm glad I can see these things now. Your channel has also helped with a deeper look into my life! Thanks again!
I'm so glad to hear it! Thank you for being here!
I can relate it's not just that I was in a cult for a few years. Before that my parents always made me feel inadequate because my sister has always been the favourite child. Nothing I did was ever good enough when I was younger. I'm now at the stage where my confidence is so low that I struggle to even go out alone. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks. Therefore I'm finding your videos extremely helpful. I definitely am still afraid of God's wrath and I need to work on that. I was also told that people are being controlled by demons which has made me afraid of strangers and outside situations so that's another area I need to work on. Thank you for having the courage to share your thoughts and help others.
Thank you for sharing. The experiences of what got us feeling inadequate are always unique, but I hope that the shared experience of it helps you understand that you are not alone! There's always hope for the future, especially when you have the courage to save yourself. And don't worry about god's wrath, God is busy trying to solve world hunger ( I assume ;-)
Hi, this video basically said what I experience.
I had gone to trauma therapy for about a year, until there was a point when the trauma in my life was so overwhelming. It was scary to realize how many of my thoughts and values were not my own.
I felt insecure about speaking from a place of "lack" or of fear or insecurity, because I knew those feeling were a product of my trauma. I am also extremely self critical, and ironically, I criticize myself for not being able to heal or to speak about my trauma. When I talk about it I just shut down completely. I want to heal, and so I think this phase of my life could be about tapping into my kiddish fun side so I can recharge and ground myself. I've been wanting to do karaoke with my mom and sister. or maybe a trapoline park. Or a water park!
Thank you for for the video!
"you absolutely, unquestioningly are a worthy investment" (15:33)
Amen! Over and over again.
Thank you for sharing! This is really insightful; I know I was meant to see this. I also grew up being abused and religiously manipulated and the Lord is bringing me into a place of healing these old wounds. Three scriptures come to mind as I’m learning to be graceful with myself and to receive His grace too.
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, and Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest (renewal, blessed quiet) for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.”
Galatians 2:10-21 “For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law-I stopped trying to meet all its requirements-so that I might live for God. 20 My old self has been crucified with Christ.[a] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.”
These scriptures help me to release the harsh religious expectations that were put upon me that kept me bound. Jesus never meant for us to honor Him in that way; He wants us to rest in Him and He’s fully invested in dispelling every lie and healing every wound that keeps us from receiving His love. God bless you ❤
I am definitely experiencing the exact problem you mentioned, and your explanation perfectly matches my situation. Thank you very much.
2:19 nailed how I felt when others would talk about their life plans/goals. WOW. You helped clarify a few things for me in these 15 minutes that I really was stuck on. Thank you for telling your story because you have enabled me to finally start telling mine ❤️
I grew up in the same cult and left at 19 on my own. I discovered complex ptsd in my 30s but I’ve never heard of religious trauma. All I can say is wow….my feelings put into words. Complex ptsd explained so much but this is more specific to my personal experience and what I’m living. Of course it does, because you lived through the same. I would love to speak with you for so many reasons but I realize that that might not be an option, understandably, so I’ll simply say thank you on behalf of myself and so many others ♥️
Thank you Renae! I know our cults brain erosion was pretty devastating and I admire that you also made it out and are actively participating in your own healing. We got this ❤️
This channel is pure gold. Thank you. ❤️
Wow, thank you! I'm so glad you find it useful!
your videos are very comforting I wish I would have followed you real time when you made this
This is gold! The best explanation I've come across. Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you for what you are doing. I have hated myself my entire life and only in the past month have I ever looked another human in the eyes as an equal. I don't care what happens for the rest of my life, I just want to love myself. And someone else can fight the demons, I have human problems to deal with.
Yes! Get on the self love, it's so important! Best of luck on your journey!
Angel when you also talked about that belief, of when you do something not as a great, something bad will happen.
Or when something bad happens to you, it was punishment.
I see this not only being taught in churches, but this happened for me personally from my abusive parents.
I was told constantly I would be punished , and though I didn’t believe it, because I saw that it wasn’t true.
It came to a point, that when you’re being told, constantly and you can’t actually leave the house, it gets in your mind eventually.
And so I felt trapped as a child in my own house.
And unsafe, and I’m an introvert and stay at home to recharge, but home wasn’t safe.
I just turned 19, and thankfully I have a job which helps me, not go home.
That’s where anxiety, and stress would happen so much, ya know.
As a child, you are a sponge like you said.
When I did certain things that were normal behaviour as a child, I didn’t always listen to my parents, and there were valid reasons, I didn’t always hear, when someone yells or insults me while telling me to do something, of course I will shut down.
Often I was told “God will punish you”
And my parents would say, God will curse me”
And as a child, I was terrified, and I would think if I didn’t obey them no matter how tired i was, something bad would happen.
I burnt out form constantly obeying my parents, I felt like a slave for most of my life, then a child.
I still grieve of the childhood I never had and the family I wish I had.
So I guess for me,I experienced more spiritual abuse from my parents, and to me what they were taught was coo coo.
And though I tried to ignore it, and deny it, being told these phrases constantly, will eventually get into your mind subconsciously.
Looking back, when I would pray, I would have a very critical mind, and I do believe it was formed from my highly critical parents.
That during prayer, I had this time I would be silent, and although I practiced positive self talk, thoigh I see it was a bit toxic positivity.😂
I would constantly have instrusive thoughts and voices I would hear, of
“God will punish you”
And I would think it was Satan saying this to me, little did I know.
I now see, this was actually me going through the effects of the abuse.
And see those voices weren’t mine, and definitely weren’t the “devil”.
I see those voices, we’re my parents.
And there highly critical words, till this day, I can hear them.
Even when I failed my test, all of a sudden, I heard their highly critical voices and phrases they often would say to me.
And shut down.
I know this is an effect of narcissistic abuse.
Often people get the message from narcissistic parents, that they are not good enough.
I see now, nothing I will ever do, will be good enough for them.
The people that should have taken care of me and love me, treat me like shit.
I now see how u was deeply depressed from a young age, and all I remember was being bullied in my own house.
Which I see lead to suicidal ideation.
I see now the abuse, (and one day I will be able to leave my house) triggered the suicidal ideation, till the point, I had no choice but to
go to counselling, because it was that bad.
then stopped.
Lol I feel like a mess.
But it doesn’t mean I’m not good enough or unlovable.
Though my parents are incapable of loving me.
I’m not unloveable.
I noticed since summer that constantly being abused and realising I had unresolved trauma, definetely led to a loss of faith, and now questioning Christianity.
Questioning my beliefs, I felt a lot of anger. To me was healthy, because I supressed my pain and anger for way too long.
Do you think this is a symptom (having those voices, and intrusive thoughts) of Cptsd?
Also thanks for the video, it made me feel seen🥰🤍
Thank you for watching, I'm glad it helped you feel seen! I'm glad you are able to work and make your own money and start branching out on your own. I would say it does sounds like CPTSD symptoms that you are describing and I would highly recommend seeing a therapist that specializes in EMDR, emotional work and cptsd recovery. My Therapist was so helpful for me and I hope you keep fighting for your mental health and find what works for you!
Believing that there is even such a thing as the "devil" being able to speak in your mind is such a dumb idea and idiotic. I understand this all too well and I resonate with that part you talked about. I hope you know you are allowed to feel safe in your own body and mind and that no one is monitoring your thoughts. I learned this as well and it's hard because you feel inadequate like if you were always going to fail because the "devil" is always going to be attacking you or diminishing you. It's such a lie. I've come to believe that the devil doesn't even exist and there's no such thing. Religion only create it as a way to keep you trapped in their fear control. There's nothing wrong with you as a person and there certainly is no one out to attack you. Something I am healing in myself as well. Hope you know your not alone ❤❤
I was young and I learnt that God was distant and judgmental and perfect. And that we had to be like Jesus. And I felt so resentful and defensive about myself that I kinda ended up hating God and Jesus.
Now, as an adult, I'm re-approaching God and Christ and there is so much resentment and fear and pain in that gap between us that I feel terrified to even start a relationship with God again.
I feel like I have to earn his love, and feel all the hate and vitriol that I've felt towards him and others etc. It's a very scary thing but I'm 31 and I need to grow the fuck up!
Pro-tip, don't grow up 🙃 Get curious and live life as playtime! Be kind to yourself, you're not doing it wrong.
I realised this a few days ago. Basically I get a particular terrible feeling every time I am about to socially interact with strangers. Usually I just avoid it altogether, but now and then it is unavoidable. I was thinking about feelings and I realised that each feeling is like a prediction. And then I heard voices and I knew someone was coming to visit us. I instantly get this terrible feeling, and then I decide to test my theory. So I think "what is this feeling predicting? Or is it predicting anything?" And I felt a great Eureka moment when I realised that this terrible feeling basically was telling me "you are going to embarrass yourself. You are going to make everyone feel awkward." This feeling obviously resulted from many actual experiences I had where I did exactly what this feeling predicted. But I had learnt a lot since then, and while I still can't have smooth conversations with people, I had learnt to just be and not make things worse by trying too hard. So I directly challenged my feeling, "look buddy, I understand why you are here but things are not the same anymore and I'm gonna prove it to you. I'm gonna go out there, meet these new people, just be myself and not make it awkward, and if they don't interest me, I go back to my room to work. Watch me" and I went into the room and proved my feeling wrong. This gave me the conviction that my feelings can be wrong, and I need to update my tendencies to feel something in a particular situation. Until I reach the point where my feelings can somewhat accurately predict the future, I have to keep questioning them and testing them with true experience to update them. And that is how I came across the truth you describe in this video.
This reminds me of a story my father once told me. There was a baby elephant who was captured and chained. It tried really hard to free itself. It tried for a long time, but it couldn't. After a long time, it gave up. Eventually it grew up into a big strong elephant, and now it can break its chains. But it never realised and the belief stopped it from trying and thus discovering its new strength. The moral of the story is, test your beliefs and limits now and then, to check if they still hold up.
LOVE that elephant analogy!
This is such a helpful video. I just turned down a great opportunity out of fear and worry of the repercussions if I failed. And I’ve been sitting on new job opportunities because of fear. This video helps with the shame. Thank you!
💯 keep spreading great messages this hit hard
The comment, 'unpleasant and horrible memory locked-in our physiology...slightly uncommon to what you're use to'...these are such vital reminders while re-framing the adult situations I/we now find ourselves in. So good...good good! Trauma work? Would you hire/have you hired a certified EMDR therapist, qualified trauma therapist?
I actually ended up at my therapist because I was searching for an EMDR certified therapist, but once we started talking he suggested a different approach so I actually haven't used EMDR. He is certified in trauma therapies/ Cptsd/ EMDR among many other things. I think it EMDR can be really beneficial.
Literally bawling my eyes out watching this. This has been such an eye opener. Thank you!
It's because we've been taught that we're nothing without God. Even anything good we do are like filthy rags. If we take credit for anything we're taking away from glory that should be given to Him. To do so is considered "pride - the greatest sin." Having self-esteem is a foreign concept. When i was in primary school i had a teacher who went rogue and told me she was proud of me. I had never heard anybody say that in that sense before and i was completely perplexed and confused about what she even meant by that and whether it was even allowed. It made me wonder if she was even saved; and whether they should sack/fire her because of such an admission of sin.
You are so brave. Thank you dear one you have finally pit a name to what I’ve known for years👏👏👏👏💖
My example is as follows: I grew up in an ultra Orthodox Jewish community, not being allowed to be out in the world. I tried many times to take different courses, and go to college, but never succeeded. I recently applied to an aviation college in Florida, and they denied the transcripts from my Jewish educational school. Now I had to complete my GED. I was so afraid of taking it, and kept pushing it off. When I finally decided that I'm taking it, I still failed. I kept on studying, and we took the math test. That was the one that I failed. After taking the test, before seeing my results, I was sure that I did not pass it. That's how much I knew, that I did not know the answers well. It turns out, the few minutes later I got the results, that I passed. Yippee! I am so happy, with no words to describe it! But it's all the same point as you are describing this video.
One big detail of difference that I constantly see, between what you are describing and how I grew up, is the description of hell. I also grew up with an All-Seeing and knowing god. Though, although there is the concept of hell, it is still not a threatening thing for anything and everything you do. It is very well explained, as a afterlife experience to cleanse the soul to enter Paradise. No one is in hell longer than 12 months, according to Judaism. The most wicked person, is not in hell more than 12 months. I'm not saying that it's the most wonderful place to be. Though, it is far from the kind of threat that you are describing the perspective of your upbringing. I'm just saying.
I really enjoy your videos Angel, keep up the good work!
Thank you for sharing that, I didn't know! That's an interesting concept! And thank you for your encouragement, I appreciate it !
If anything, Jesus is the only person who has never made me feel inadequate. I think man can misconstrue who Christ is which is a sad thing because he was a man of extreme compassion. I don’t know where you stand on that as this is the first video I’ve watched of yours but just wanted to add that.
I'm glad that Jesus wasn't used against you. You're absolutely right that this has nothing to do with the ideas of the real God/Jesus, but rather how people use those names / power to harm others.
Returned to watch this now a second time. The first time, I had been listening to the cult story time series,and clicked on this accidentally (it would have otherwise been a title I'd have saved for a later time). When it began, I knew I needed to hear it. This is so well put together, personally, the beauty of it was that none of it was new information, I've been working on my COG trauma for years, had therapy, read the wonderful books of Peter Levine, Bessel van der Kolk,etc... I had many tools with which I consciously understood this information. But perhaps it was the fact that you'd been right in the same situation that let this get through to my subconscious,the only place where change can actually happen. I had a very visceral reaction. Every place on my body where I had been beaten back then tensed up, and I was sobbing and shaking. I finished the video and took it right to my yoga mat, moving the energy out of my body. The second time around I can listen to it in complete peace, and it is f***ing delicious to experience points like this and truly feel all the healing work finally working.
Thank you so much, not only for this video but the excellent resource you are building here❤
Thank you so much for sharing this! I Love that you were able to gift yourself a moment of moving through it and acknowledging what came up in your body. I'm so glad that you are listening to yourself. I'd also highly recommend Gabor Mate as a resource on understanding how childhood trauma lives in the body. He doe really good work!
What sucks for me is first being a lesbian partially being raised Pentecostal. Second my Mom and dad bringing me to church when they are involved in my life and then abandoning leaving me with my Grandma and then coming back and put me back into church. All of that was totally unnecessary.
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing about this very personal thing. I felt very understood. The worst thing about feeling inadequate, is also thinking you’re the only one this way, and looking up at everyone else as capable. But you, sharing this, from this perspective has made me feel relieved and hopeful. The most important thing is to put oneself in context, I think that’s a very good starting point onto self compassion. This a very useful video
Thank you so much! I'm so glad it was helpful.
This resonated incredibly strong with me. I have recently became aware that I've experienced childhood trauma and am taking steps to work through it, but there's always some extra layer or part of that trauma I come across and realize is a part of the puzzle I'm work to put together. It definitely doesn't help that as an adult, I've had that childhood experience reinforced by a job that fired me simply because they found someone who knew the job better than I did. I was only there for less than 6 weeks. I didn't even get a chance to prove myself and my abilities. I now carry that trauma and feeling of inadequacy and worry I'll lose my job with me. I'm single and all the responsibility is on my shoulders so the unexpected loss of a job would be detrimental. I've had so many abusive relationships where no one really had my best interest in mind and have felt used for most, if not all of my life at this point. It's definitely a challenging ordeal to work through.
Your videos helped so much, just getting out christianity after I was pulled in during an emotionally vulnerable time
I am so glad to hear that !! I hope you are doing well!
This video hit the nail on the head. You are amazing and an inspiration to me!
Thank you Katharyn! I appreciate the compliment and I’m so glad it was helpful for you!
You need to use sound dampening in your space to remove the echo.
Other that that: top notch information!!!!
Thank you
I think you saved my life today
Thanks for the tip! The space has high ceilings so there’s def an echo!
I 100% resonate with this. I have made a lot of progress in this area but I still get right up to the precipice of making some big change in my life and then freeze. I still struggle with feeling afraid like I am going to get “in trouble.”
Yes! Just keep going, keep on trying a million different things and then not accomplishing them, it's pat of the journey, just don't stop and eventually there will be enough buildup that something will burst through! You're not doing it wrong.
TW ⚠️
WOW that is so true about that belief, and when you talked about those people who get reactive when for example people, such as family member smokes or swears.
I was the reactive one, and yes at a young age, around my teens, my mind physically felt I was in mental torment, because I always would cry, praying, crying out to God, because my family wasn’t getting better, and I was scared they would go to hell.
I felt responsible for them.
And now I see how it made me feel responsible for people’s well being. And focus on my wants and needs.
Now I know, I’m not.
Now I see I need to unlearn that belief.
It definitely put such a burden on me.
I fasted throughout the year last year, (I suspect I now have an eating disorder, I denied my hunger, for so long, I lost my appetite in the name of God.to pray for God to save my family.
I was already battling with disordered eating, but the fasting, for almost 40 days, some days I had no food at all, some days I did. And other fast where I restricted particular food groups, like Daniel fasts, only having veg, nothing else.
I kept it quiet, because I was taught not to tell anymore your fasting.
I lost tons of weight, and a person said I looked “sick” and that crushed me, because to me I looked fine.
My disordered eating behaviours went way up!!
I did begin to see that I did look “sick”
But that made me deeply insecure.
Because I already had the belief, there was something wrong with me.
I lost my period, and I do think it was because of the overexercsing, and Undereating, , not a good idea to over exercise when fasting.
I would think God was getting me through it, some days were hard, but I now realise my body was getting me through it.
I experienced a lot of mental, and physical pain, during the multiple fasts.
It almost now I see, because addictive.
But it created the perfect environment for an eating disorder.
And sadly, many bad effects happened, I did gain the weight back in some cases.
But I do think the loss of my period played a huge role, as a cause for doing what I did.
All in the name of love.
My brother did change. But maybe it was because of what he experienced.
Sadly, I denied my wants and needs, my hunger to pray to save my family, but more to change my family.
Little did I know, though my brother changed, he had his own experience which then to be a better kinder person.
But my parents, I now see, I assume are narcissists, and they’ll never change.
My sister who often belittled me, and to me is an unsafe person, I can’t actually trust any of my parents or sister.
Religion taught me toxic people could change, and my kindness and love could change someone.
I was deeply lied to:(
For so long I’ve being abused, physically, mentally, and to me the subtle one, emotionally(narcissistic abuse)
I do believe churches don’t talk about sex education, and the teachings of purity culture was so harming for me.
I never learned as a child how to say no, and for so long blamed myself unknowingly, for being sexually assaulted. Because to me, there were several situations.
And now I see as a child I didn’t have the capacity to even fight back, to me I just froze.
Sorry I can get carried away.
Commenting on ones body is wrong.
you can’t “see” an eating disorder, anyone can have eating disorder, and it has nothing to do with your body size. But more with your eating behaviours, and the mind.
I myself, do blame the religious teachings, and now I’m trying to eat, but I do need help for sure.
I started getting flashbacks, (lol do you know there are different forms of flashbacks, and girl I experience them) from visual to emotional, to somatic, from not only sexual, but abuse from my parents and the one that creeps up in fear, religious memories, of people telling me scary things.
My theory is my brain couldn’t handle what was happening at that time, and now it’s telling me, it’s time to heal. As I’m now experiencing flashbacks.
From 2020-2021 was definitely I no see traumatising, and at that stage I didn’t see, my brain couldn’t cope with all that I was going through, was being taught, and so naturally, I did what I could to survive, I was definitely, in fawn response. (People pleasing, shutting down my needs and wants, to keep people happy or God happy, or parents happy)
(I no feel I’m in that response, boundaries, learning to set them has helped me, greatly)
I’m more in the flight, or fight response)
But it changes depending on the situation.
And because of fear, I was easily controlled and manipulated.
I now see a different view of God, loving and accepting, but that trauma, and spiritual abuse, still effects me, because it’s not just stored in my mind, but my body.
I’m currently deconstructing many teachings taught that were harming, and for me at times it feels safe being uncertain about things.
When I tried telling a friend about a certain time, about y spiritual abuse, I couldn’t stop shaking and could hear my voice shaking.
I do think, I suffer with cptsd.
I refuse to go to church, and did this, 4 weeks ago, did not get a great response only more aggressive behaviour from my mum.
And guilt tripping, but for me knowing narcissistic tactics have helped me stand on my boundary and ground, j was so happy when I didn’t go to church, I felt so free.
And I’ll havent, i decided now to listen to my feelings and needs.
My body and emotions no longer felt comfortable in going to church, the thought of church, though the church building itself didn’t make me traumatised, but the teachings and what Christians taught, and the flashbacks would trigger me, when I thought of going to church,.
Which to me, was weird because I was particularly fine going to church, until one day I just felt unsafe, scared of the thought of church and being in a church, I could feel I would feel shame.
And I decided to listen to my body.
I began to question why I always had to go to church, and I personally believe, going to church, doesn’t make you a christian. Or even a better person, than others.
And as I am more free spirited, and don’t really like to follow, I see now fear controlled me.
When I no longer was in so much fear, and beginning to see many teachings weren’t true, I began to realise, I don’t have to go to church, and that I’m still so loved even if I don’t.
Almost in a good way, the trauma helped me not go to church.
Because I’m trying to avoid places that bring up the memories, you know😂
I see now fear and shame was used as the motivator instead of love.
I’m so anti fear, anti shame, anti guilt.
I’m against teachings that are rooted in treat, shame, guilt.
And I still struggle to not believe, some. But taking time to deconstruct slowly helps.
And I do feel at a young age my innocence and childhood felt stolen, and now I’m trying to
Connect to my inner child, and do thing I wish I did, when I was small, watch movies or listen to music I loved as a child.
Which really is super nice and calming, it makes me feel safe.
I do wish I could have done something, but I responded the way my body could, to survive.
And I’m proud of myself for getting through it.
So what’s best is to be kind to myself, and know what happened wasn’t my fault🤍
I'm so glad that you are proud of yourself for doing what you could to survive, I hope you are learning to thrive!
Thank you for this video
🔥🔥🔥🔥
Thank you for sharing. You are so insightful. Helps me on my Journey
I'm so glad to hear that. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this, I can't tell you how much this clicked in my brain as an a-ha moment.
I'm so glad!
I completely resonate!!!
I somehow shut myself down and if I keep pushing it leads to black out even..
2:29 me… literally in 2017 I said I’d study RE to increase my value in life. In 2019 dated a realtor and felt super inadequate in regular things of life, dating, career. These feelings were always there this person just highlighted things I wasn’t aware of. It seems like a phase I have to go through in life. It’s hard.
It's hard, but you got this! It definitely is a phase, and it does end.
I wish so deeply that I would've seen this video when I was younger, still sitting in my abusive home with a terrific, controlling father. I used to have intrusive phantasies about a god like my father, watching, judging, controlling and shaming me all the time. I couldn't sit in my room or exist in any place peacefully for even a second. It's been some years ago and I can still remember that so vividly. Everything was more of a fight for me than for many others. It got a lot better, but it still is. I'm angry about that. It all feels so unbearably exhausting at times, like it will never have an end. I really wish someone would've hugged me, while I was sitting in that room as a child, anticipating to not only be punished by my father, but by the highest being of all life itself...
I'm so sorry you experienced that. I hope you are in a much better place now, and I'm glad you made your way here!
thank you so much for this.💜💜💜
This is so good. Thank you for this insight into my brain. ❤
I was never taught I had a god watching my every thought as a child, so maybe I shouldn't be here. And I didn't _often_ have to deescalate angry adults, although my parents fought periodically and I had to get involved a time or two to mediate.
What I _did_ have to do, though, was recognize escalation in _other children_ and try to somehow curb it. I had to deescalate angry schoolmates who I'd pissed off or made uncomfortable in some way or intruded on their social group or whatever, and I had to try to deescalate actual bullies, and it was impossible to tell the difference between someone I'd rightfully pissed off and someone who just wanted me to be miserable for their own amusement, and I had to try to appease them both. Even when I _knew_ they were bullies, I had to try to blend in and be normal and "take the 'kick me' sign off" so I wouldn't be a target. And nobody would be there for me. Even in a friend group, even if most people there liked me, if there was a bully also in said friend group that bully could do whatever he wanted to me and it wouldn't matter. None of them would notice or stop it.
And like. I know everything I'm saying here is irrelevant and a shitty first-world problem and it doesn't actually matter and I _am_ just incapable for not having been able to deal with those things. Those are things every other kid could do fine, they didn't offend people by existing in the wrong place or standing too close or saying something slightly wrong and get slapped or punched or shoved or ostracized for it, because they were normal and they _functioned_ like normal people and not some learning AI chatbot. I'm incapable _now,_ as an adult, in social situations of not screwing up in some way and making people give me the silent treatment or ghost me or ban me from online communities. And it's still my fault now, just like it was then. _I'm_ the problem. I always have been.
(trigger warning for directly contradicting the idea that it won't happen again)
…The punishments don't _end_ just because you're an adult. If you ask for a raise too many times, you'll get fired for making a splash and being too insistent. If you fail a test, retakes may not be allowed, you may have failed it permanently and have no more chances. If you fail the same course three times in college, you never get to take that course again and you've lost your chance at that program forever. If you fail to make a friend, you may make an enemy who destroys your life. You may lose entire friend circles to failing to make a friend or to making the wrong friend, or to being duped into believing you've made a friend when really they just want to use you to achieve better social status. That can happen as an adult in online spaces just like it can happen in school. Every conversation you have at work is an opportunity for you to screw up so disastrously you get an official warning from your boss, or get fired or "let go" during seasonal layoffs and not hired back. If you fail to get a job for too long, or make some screwup that costs you your job, you may run out of money and end up starving and homeless.
It never ends. The possibility of punishment for failing in challenging situations, even those you chose to enter, never goes away. It _never_ goes away. It's always there, for all of your life. It doesn't stop. The world doesn't have that kind of mercy. Failure means punishment, always.
When I read the comments get the feeling a lot of religious abusive parents actually have undiagnosed/untreated mental illnesses. The damning voice of God is what parents hear in their own heads. Usually it is some type of religious OCD/scrupulosity and even delusional disorders can result in toxic inner childhood dialogues. Sometimes OCD is passed on and it comes out that way, when you notice a repetitive religious thought, challenge it. Where does this thought come from? Whose voice do you hear with that thought. OCD therapy is essential otherwise you are letting other peoples thoughts and negative past programing run your life.
this right here 2:16, 7:02 why i'm struggling to learn new things, i do know what you're talking about 8:44,
U hv a new subscriber. You should do coaching session. I like this channel. 😊
Thank you !! I'm glad you find it useful!
Hi, and thanks for the video.. I know this feeling of inadequacy all too well.. I started experiencing it very long time ago. It is exactly as you describe-- when others seem to "go for it" I would cringe inside and just think- how can they do that and I don´t?? Isn´t that endeqvour far too stressful for them, how can they be so powerful..
At the time it started developing inside me, it was pretty clear though, at times, why I felt so. Because I was heavily controlled by the environment at home, that was: my mother, and the rest of the familiy system. So It was like: yes, I can´t do that, (let´s say, go out and have fun for instance)- because I would "after that" have to come home and face my mother who would block me from sharing my experience, have no empathy and not support me, rather belittle me aso aso.. The issue then became so big, that I was (felt) literally unable to pursue generally anything that I would feel nice for me, and was too afraid to or unable to deal with the question of what career or just meaningful existence i could pursue. While all the time, peers around me would start to become more mature and take life into their hands, me staying "small" and all the time being afraid and sullen because of the control I was subject to by my parents- them being focused on ideas like "education" that were not based in practicality but were highly irrational to the point of threatening to me. (Possibly there was a histrionic borderline situation with my parents).
So today - up until today and I´m 46- I have hardly maaged to get this experience of inadequacy settled. I still look at jobs and other people and think- how can they do it.. So Thanks for speaking about this...
I think, the problem is that if we grow up in such environments we are "supposed" to manage adult´s behaviour- as you said, and that is the other side of helplessness- when just feeling so overwhelmed with what we "think we have to do". And yes: we Can´t.. LOL: that would be the new political campaign: YES WE CAN´T
I have had great issues with religion too that´s why I came to your channel.
But its hard, if your parents were those who exerted this kind of paranoid control over you, to "ever set things straight" with them.. I have had "No contact" for some years but I find myself blaming them still. Which seems to be blocking my self too. Its tough.. Because if you contact them they still don´t seem to change and expect you to manage the relationship. But how do you get the resentful thought out of your system if not by working on a clear boundary with them? I mean, just isolating oneself in fear of those "evermighty parents" feels like self diminishing too..
My issue with religion is that in the midst of chaos growing up in my abusive environment I sought help in Yoga.
The experiences and events that happened, possibly as a consequence of my extreme yoga practica were -- extreme, positive and negative, but very very difficult to come to terms with. And when I asked the guru about it - well at one time he basically said I was a fool- belittling me again, in front of everybody. So I carried this "I can´t talk to anyone about this, I do something wrong" through decades. Still have it today. But I think the parental trauma is what makes all this so much more complicated, and just like a ball of crap that you can´t seem to unwire.
Maybe you could take up this issue of how extreme inner experiences in relation to spiritual practice- in connection with reliegious leaders unwillingness or inability to help you or accept you unconditionally, can be a source of trauma. Because this dimension is hardly talked about. It could be an overwhelmingly positive experience - with a frightning side to it - being a problem when you face a life full of negativity and trauma and don´t know how to make sense of it. While the spiritual groups just follow their rountines in a more unflexible way.
about spirituality and yoga: it is still the same religious trauma, meaning, the question if you are wrong, all the time, in or after every thought, every emotion, every experience: "Am i going to hell, am I in hell, does anyone experience this of is it just me..".. Its the trauma thing I am interested in, the reaction and how we deal with experience in a helthy way, with being traumatized so - feeling shame and fear anyway to a great extent, maybe being unable to speak about anything of it (big problem).. With positive experiences, what happened, in my case was that I would hold on to the "greatness" aspect of what i had felt in my self- and that the becomes an excuse to not deal with stuff- that you can´t deal with anyway- partly because its not in my sphere- if others (parents or gurus) want to have an open ear for me. Much love and for your patience to anyone reading my rant here- hope it helps .. Cheers
Thank you 💜
Thank you I was sitting in the sauna everyday crying about How I was treated in 2different churches in Dayton Ohio .They treated our family very wrong and my mom even became an enemy to me. I love my mom but she is abusive with her words sometimes and my brother and sister don't want anything to do with me. Because I would get really angry and begin to scream because if my mom playing favorites. Those churches turned them away from me. Just because I didn't fit into their imaginary proper way of how they are. I never fit in with them. I love to live and be excited. My brother scoffed and told a close friend of mine at age 15 she was going to hell.
I told him to shut up! And he said that is what mom said we're sinners are going. And he rolled his eyes and smiled sarcastically. My brother was not like that before. We used to be close but he even tried to compete with me just so he can get our moms attention.
He ran away from the church when he became an adult they tried to ordain him to be a preacher.He told me he didn't have the support so he left the church .There is probably more to it but I wish we never stepped foot in those churches in Dayton Ohio. The church on WOLF RD. across the street from the highschool would have you write down personal things about yourself.
The paperwork they had even ask you inappropriate questions.
For example name all the people you slept with throughout your life so you can get delivered from a (lust demon)
In order to get a deliverance then you would have to go through cleansing and doing a lot of reading the bible .
I remembered filling out 3 pages of questions just to be apart of a church that really talked down to me and used scripture to talk down to me and not to up lift me.
I Never believed I was forgiven.
I shredded pictures of relationships and beautiful graduation pictures of myself because they create ugly feelings inside of me .
I hope who ever reads this It shows you that your not alone. I used to put on a fake smile to fit in so no one would ask me am I ok so they could not gossip about me and my 21 year old daughter.
Thank you for allowing me to share. Sorry For the long message.
I try to do things positive on my facebook page about religion and I am trying RUclips therapy.
God bless you
Thank you, She does :)
Do you do 1 on 1 counceling?
I no longer do, but I am coming out with courses by the end of the year so that people can walk themselves through, and next year starting RUclips lives where I will answer questions! and connect with everyone more ☺️
Cognitively telling myself that I'm safe and not inadequate hasn't helped.
it's definitely a first step, and then you have to go find evidence for it so that your body knows and feels that you are safe and adequate. Is there any practice you have found that has helped you?
Doing somatic processing of the feelings might be more helpful. Notice what you feel, where in your body - notice how it feels like tight, churning, imagine what that feeling looks like (dark swirly etc) and then add something to soft or shift it eg light or warmth. Sounds cheesy but it can help learn to process and release the feeling x
I mean , I do feel inadequate but I do not feel like it’s because God will punish my entire family. Any tips ?
Hi, I'm glad you don't feel like God will punish your family, I don't think that was the message I gave in the video. I was trying to encourage people to look at the origin point of the first time they felt inadequate, and then to catch yourself up to the present moment by working through the pain in your mind and body from the first moment you felt inadequate. Then to acknowledge that you are in a different space now/ are a different person now. To look at what you've come through and accomplished and bring that courage with you into the future as you try to expand. I hope that helps to clear things up. I would also suggest researching the topic as it pertains to you, that is what I have found most helpful for myself as well.
I totally identify with what you said Angel. Your videos are so enlightening and empowering.
Keep up the amazing work. TY.
Your right, a preteen is not supposed to be the one trying to deescalate raging drug addicts and violent alcoholic adults.