My mother reacted with horror and disgust to my nascent sexuality. I was a very curious young girl with a strong life-force drive in that area who grew up in an extremely repressed purity-culture household. I proceeded to have a lifelong history of being forcefully, humiliatingly rejected by men sexually and feeling like some kind of disgusting monster. At 26 I went home with the first willing male at the bar just to be relieved of my oppressive virginity (and to prove I wasn't under some paternalistic god's sadistic thumb). It was mostly infrequent one-offs for decades after that. I don't run into many women like me--I don't even appear much different from anyone else, on the outside--but I know this is definitely a trauma re-enactment. I have worked SO VERY HARD, via multiple modalities, to try to unravel the damage, but it goes deep. Psychology on the whole grossly underestimates the devastating impacts of religious trauma.
I feel ya. although I'm a boy I went through something similar. This last year I was able to heal my religious trauma and other trauma. Honestly what helped was not some techinque, but allowing myself to find my true self, learn to trust it, let it guide me, listen to my feelings, learn to reconnect with my body, learn that this my true self is who I've always been.... I'm hoping you'll be able to do the same, a hug and compassion!
@@nohandleeeeee Thank you. I've actually felt very differently since learning self-forgiveness, which has been key to seeing myself as worthy and enough. It's something you never learn because it goes against everything they teach you. To be able to say to yourself, I forgive you, I know you did the best you could...whether it was for saying or doing something "stupid" or "bad" or failing at something important to you...it's life-changing.
my mother taught me that "boy bodies are fine, girl bodies are disgusting" she told me i wasn't even to touch my body with out wearing gloves (which was super weird??) the youthgroup i went to was hyper into "i kissed dating goodbye" and all that other purity culture stuff. i had a very warped perception of sexuality and when i developed sexual feelings i was so afraid of it that i actually tried to end my life over it. i struggled so much into adulthood and it affected my marriage quite a bit. it wasn't till Sheila Geogorie (Bare Marriage) started talking about these things that i was able to see where that feeling came from and how to heal from it.
Yah, religions probably stigmatize because of menstruation in women, which the ancients did not understand. What else did they find shameful? Breasts? they did not know much about anatomy and physiology. The whole virgin birth story is an attack on intercourse as a moral act.
Just coming across this now. I come from a Catholic and Muslim background, which created the perfect cocktail of religious trauma and sexual shame. I really appreciate your content and this video. Thank you :)
I didn't know there were people like me in the comments who are experiencing the same fear and shame as me. I told my parents that I've always been afraid of the boyfriends I've had in the past, purely because of the physical attraction they had to me. I was even afraid of the guy I fell in love with. Even when I wanted to be slightly intimate with them the fear overrode it and I would freeze up and feel physically sick (I've never experienced sexual violence so the reaction has always confused me). This has pretty much destroyed every relationship I had because I would grow to resent them for 'using' me, even though being physically intimate is super normal!!! My parents didn't see anything wrong with these feelings since they are very strict about sexuality, and I don't think they even kissed before marriage. My mom is particularly strict about this aspect of religion, and she has made sure that my siblings and I are fully aware of it. It really hurt my feelings when they told me that the pain and frustration I was going through was a good thing, and that it meant I was morally superior to my peers in some way. But I don't want to be like this, and I want to be able to love my future partner some day without being scared or repulsed. It feels like all my friends are adults and I'm still a child, and it's very lonely.
You need to get your parents and your upbringing out of your sex life or you will lead a life of misery and dissatisfaction. Your symptoms are very common among evangelical wives who have had a prudish upbringing; and I know quite a few men who left because of this issue. Get therapy so you can live a fulfilling life.
I want to acknowledge your pain and struggle as real! I also want to acknowledge your courage in so vulnerably sharing your most intimate experiences in this space. as Angel has said, there is ALWAYS a reason for how we feel, and often the source is buried in our subconscious. it is possible (common in fact) to have sexual trauma and not remember it, but to have conscious symptoms that point to trauma (as you do) such as intense fear, shame, freeze response, feeling physically sick, repulsion and feeling 'used'. I will disagree with your parents and say that having intense fear and shame around sex is NOT a good thing, and does not make you 'morally superior', but rather I acknowledge that it has created a state of inner pain, conflict, and loneliness for you. the good news is that we are living at a time - unprecedented in the generations before us, where there is SO much help available, and SO many resources to support healing in this area. you have already begun by courageously 'outing yourself'/ breaking the silence around your innermost struggles. I hope that in the year since you posted this comment that you have continued to seek help and find resources that support you to heal and grow and become more fully yourself.
i can't describe how much your words touched me..god it really feels like all my friends are adults and i'm still a child and IT IS very lonely. hope you heal all your wounds and enjoy the love of your life🤍🤍
I have never heard anyone talk about the importance of disgust. I feel like there's a lot of talk about how "sex is okay, it's not disgusting," and it's almost like the goal is to go from feeling like sex is bad to feeling like disgust is bad. And that's not helpful because. I think I tried to undo my negative programming about sex by having a lot of sex that I didn't necessarily want, and that was just further trauma.
@@stephenpowstinger733right, I think the better thing to do is the thing that's in between. Sex is gross only because it's a physical human thing. It's the most viscerally most people will interact with their body. The fear of sex is often the fear of one's own body, one's own physicality. We cover up much of the other gross things we do with all kinds of mental models and little stories to sanitize them, so when we finally interact with sex, we have no tools, or we cover it up in the most bizarre of ways. We dress it up spiritually or artistically to shield ourselves from the raw natural aspect of it. The trick is instead, not even in how we approach sex at all. If we would properly do our homework with the rest of our bodies, fully embrace our animal physical parts of ourselves, then sex would not be so big of a leap. And as a result, the word disgust itself could be more healthily relegated to aspects of physicality that actually have serious real negative aspects to them. It's just that the only way we can discern those is if we have a healthy embrace of the physicality of our bodies and the good aspects of that thing about it we call "gross." I think this entire thing is literally why religions always in particular have this neurotic relationship with sex. It's because by their nature they appeal to ego, to self narrative. They ask people to fall into a carefully constructed sequestered story for every aspect of life. But sex, raw as it is, comes in and makes that very, very difficult. So each religion always handles it in the most bizarre way, and that is why sex often ends up being the beginning of the crack that forms when someone begins to break out of a religion's oppression.
I've struggled so many years (and still am currently) with my bisexuality. I was taught that it's wrong, so I need to unpack that disgust out of my brain and just accept myself.
This was hard to listen to. I left religion over ten years ago, and I still feel this disgust towards myself and my sexuality. This reminded me of all the messages I received back then and all the damage they did, and it makes me hurt for the people who had it worse than me.
I always have this overwhelming feeling that doing most sexual acts is bad and wrong. The church and purity culture is toxic and I wish I didn’t experience it. It’s clear that it has affected me because I’ve had no sexual abuse or pressure to perform certain acts. I am going to marry a man who has never had sex but doesn’t have a warped view about it. I’ve had sex in the past, and don’t have like a lot of experience, but I do know that I’m not comfortable even thinking about some things that he may way to do. Idk how to reconcile this.
You're not alone, yes purity culture is absolutely horrible and can warp your brain. But I'm glad that you know that and are trying to figure out where to go from here. Your body and sexuality/ sensuality is your own and should feel pleasurable to you. Take time to re-grow that part of yourself if you feel it's lost. I think it's healthy to learn about how you can playfully express your sensuality. But don't rush yourself, invite yourself into play and let it surprise you.
I am just going through dealing with this as well...for 33+ years in my marriage. May I recommend Sex, God and The Conservative Church by Dr Tina Sellers. It is helping me through the oppressive religious sexual trauma. The audio book is great. as the author reads it. May you find healing, Alex.
The moment you said that angel Gabriel had sex with the virgin Mary and she loved it, I bursted into laughter and remembered how my atheist husband joked that it would've been the true story :D That's his headcannon: Angel Gabriel: Hello, virgin Mary, the God wants you be the mother of his divine son! Do you agree? Virgin Mary: Oh, okay! If that's what the Lord wants, I trust His will. But how come I'm gonna be pregnant if I'm not married yet? Angel Gabriel: Oh, don't worry, God knows the way! Come here, baby! *unzips pants* I don't want to offend anyone, it's just for the LOLs.
I'm a 36 year old former Christian, and every time I do anything sexual-related, I feel bad and ashamed, even after I left the religion more than 6 years ago. I know I need therapy, and I'm glad I found this video. Any other help is much appreciated.
I would highly recommend a therapist trained in purity culture. Also allow yourself the courage to view yourself as a sexual being. Remember it's not an either or - religion teaches black and white thinking so either you are celibate or a pervert - But you are human and this is a side to your nature that can be cultivated.
Omg, dear Ms Angel DeSantis, you're truly an angel! Thanks for delivering such invaluable information! Now I can articulate my own thoughts a lot better.
Its so amazing to hear someone explain why I feel the way I feel after wondering for so many years and not knowing why.I grew up in a very strict home and religion that really messed me up and watching your videos on religious trauma as well as this one have been so helpful in understanding this all.and I finally feel somewhat validated after years of being “wrong”.thankyou so much!
Religion is supposed to teach you that you are unconditionally beloved and important enough that you were created with intention by the Source of All Good. I'm so sorry.
I agree with your points, Islam is the same way if not even more extreme, I'm an ex Sunni Muslim since 7 years, I grew up between Saudi Arabia and Jordan, I crave intimacy but struggle to be okay with someone touching me, what's more frustrating is that I can't leave the middle east so I can heal and live a proper love life somewhere not backwards religious
I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that, and I'm sorry you feel trapped. My wish for you is to be able to share your story and struggles with someone who also lives where you are. If you are going through this, I guarantee you others are too, and I hope you can share this journey together.
I'm literally so tired of feeling this way. I grew up in a Muslim family so I have a ton of religious trauma especially religious sexual shame. I've only ever dated online and every time I got sexual with someone online I used to feel guit. Now I don't feel guilty anymore but I literally feel like I'm being used when it's entirely consensual? Idk how to explain but my brain always tells me sex is just people taking what they need and I can't bring myself to believe it's something people who love each other do. How do I stop seeing sex as exploitative? The longer I keep thinking this way the longer it will be detrimental to my future relationships
I address this in this video ruclips.net/video/U7c3OVSD0_k/видео.html It's the first question I answer, but mostly I would say allow yourself to not believe that you are a sexual object for mens gratification, rather learn about your sensuality as if you were discovering it for the first time. Your sexuality belongs exclusively to you, but if you were raised with a lot of sexual shame, it will feel like it doesn't belong to you and you need to turn it on/ off depending on how it's received. You can go the rest of your life without any sexual contact if you choose to, that is your absolute right. But if you want to be sexual with people you choose, learn to make it a good experience by approaching it with curiosity, learn as much as you can about sex and decide which parts you want to try with a partner who makes you feel safe enough to express that side of yourself. You've got this, you have time.
Few months ago I also had the feeling of being used everytime things got sexual. I assure you that it's completely possible to heal. I understood that I was feeling this way because how men in my family acted. They were always treating women(my mother,grandmother) as inferior to them. You grew up in Muslim culture, so I guess your situation was similar (sorry if I'm wrong) . Love is between people who feel equal to each other. I understood that men in my family had lots of mental issues and low self-esteem and I also realized the reasons for their bad mental health - basically everything started making sense. This really helped in my healing (plus inner child healing meditations). I realized that men in my family were broken AF and because of it they needed to feel superior and powerful to feel better about themselves so they started putting others down. But I promise you , that it is completely possible to heal. Now I don't feel like being used anymore, no matter what I do with someone ... I hope you get better and if you can you really should cut the relationships with toxic men who treat women bad and find men who treat you as equal.
@@monikapp3981 thank you so so much. I'm glad you understood why it's happening. I hope I can heal too. Even when I'm with a guy who is kind to me I still feel like being used like I just have to give myself 😭❤️
Some do use u online or not. Be careful n protect your energy n yourself. Im all for sexual exploration but get checked before n after. Also make sure that persom respects u. Is not only just for sex unless ur lookin for something not serious. Be safe n love yourself, it takes time to grow
This was helpful thank you. Im in the journey of separating God from the sexual trauma that I went through in the name of God. Im glad I did not lose my faith because of this. When God’s name is misused for personal advantage, the victim is at great risk for losing their faith.
Thank you for addressing this. As I was discovering myself when I was coming of age my parents made me feel like it was dirty and wrong. Raised in a Christian home, of coarse. I have definitely taken a step back over the last few years and looked at the religious system from an objective position. Very revealing.
Thank you for watching, I'm glad it made sense. I'm sorry that your parents made you feel like your normal human development was disgusting or wrong. It's a very religious mindset to think that our bodies are full of "sin" as opposed to allowing human development to happen naturally. I hope you are recovering from those mindsets and that this video was helpful!
Thank you for making this. It’s very difficult to find videos on this topic, and even more difficult to find therapists that truly understand this issue. How could I go about making an appointment to speak with you if that’s possible?
Thank you! You truly are an Angel! I have been working on trying to heal sex and religious trauma for a little over a year but it is very difficult because of how jumbled it is. You articulated this so well and helped me understand and break it down in a way I haven't been able to. ( I had not even realized the implications of the virgin Mary before.)
I watched this video with my journal open in front of me and filled over 3 pages with what came up as I was watching. Thank you so much for this video! It gave me a new perspective on something I knew I was struggling with but wasn't able to put into words. I do have a therapist and I will be bringing this all up with her, but in the meantime, my question is this: what do I do next? I can point to specific moments from my past and go "that's the moment my mom taught me that my body is disgusting" but now what? How do I begin to set those beliefs aside and recognize and internalize the truth of the situation and move forward to develop a healthy sexual self?
I would suggest therapy. Or if for any reason therapy isn't' available, I would suggest creating moments for yourself where you affirm your body and sexuality as good things. It takes a while to undo what was done, but it's helpful to have moments where you consciously create thoughts that are true (i.e. your body is good) and useful (i.e. I deserve pleasure) and letting those thoughts exist in your head will change the trajectory of your thoughts over time.
I have a similar but different issue. I was, I guess you could say groomed for chastity with the waiting for marriage at church and my parents tore down my self confidence in my ability to date. So I've never done anything sexual and I'm close to 30. I don't feel disgust, rather I'm very comfortable being single and have a hard time trusting people. Honestly my gut feeling is that whoever is trying to date me is trying to manipulate me or control me. I usually end up choosing to be single because I hate that feeling and like being in control of my own life. I dont feel like not having sex has turned me into a pervert or a predator tho. I don't think its turned me ugly just gave me too much hesitation.
I definitely understand the feeling that other people are just trying to manipulate you, I felt that way for a long time. That is something that abusive religion does, teach you that people are generally bad, which can create a lot of mistrust and makes it almost impossible to have natural human connection. If you feel comfortable being single that's awesome, keep on doing the things that make you feel happy and safe. If you ever want to have a different experience, the way I started having human interaction was learning to believe that I was worth being kind to and caring for. That allowed me to have big boundaries in place and watch who was kind to me, which over time, allowed me to trust them.
wow, isn't it sad how parents fear their child's emerging sexuality so much that they shame them for it and shackle them with their own projections coming from their own unhealed wounds and traumas! having your self confidence 'torn down' by parents is so deeply damaging, as we see them as our mirrors to reflect back to us who we are. being single can be such a safe zone! I know this because I have chosen to be single for most of my adult life, in order to feel safe and in control! but in writing this, I also cherish that I have been able to have some really thrilling and loving sexual experiences, and I wouldn't want to have had an adulthood without them! I'm proud that I've stepped fully into my own autonomy, no longer bound by the 'no sex outside of marriage' conditioning I was raised with. this feels powerful and empowering. I just turned 50, and in watching this video I am once again declaring that I would like in this decade of my life to resume sex. when I was younger I thought I was more powerful by turning this switch off, and that being sexual was a vulnerability that made me more weak around men. but when I see women like Angel who embrace their sexuality, even with an intense trauma background, I think "now that is how I want to be', and it seems more powerful than 'repression'/ being 'asexual'/ forever 'single'.
I remember the youth services quite well, it was pretty much the youth pastor casting out the “spirit of sex”, his most favorite verse was 2 Titus 2:22. All of the leaders had an unhealthy fixation with us not having sex. I’m 50 and just now all this trauma started to surface in the shape of anger and indignation. I start therapy next week. I’m more messed up than I thought. I really hope I can heal from all this nonsense.
I started being abused by my male babysitter when I was 5-7 and then got married when I was 17. I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for 7 now. I was taught by my mother, family, church and friends that it was my "duty" to satisfy my husband's "needs" even when I didn't feel like it. Even though it was horrifically painful for the entire duration of my marriage. Even when I would be sobbing it didn't stop the onslaught. So I learned to disconnect sex from intimacy. I can't even begin to understand what actual intimacy is. Do you have any videos on women specifically being taught to only serve as a vessel for their husband's "needs" while entirely ignoring their own? I don't even know what my own intimacy needs or wants are. This has been a huge source of trauma since I was a child and since it's so closely related to abusive religion I can't find much on it. I don't feel disgust, I feel nothing and that's scary to me. Even after being violently sa'd by my husband and calling the police he set my house on fire and my mother and his mother told me it was my fault for not "taking care of his needs". I'm so disconnected even from the trauma that I feel nothing as I type this when most people would feel horrified. But anyway please point me in the right direction if you do happen to have anything regarding this particular part of the subject. Your videos are so important to me and I'm so grateful!
Rachel, I am so sorry to hear that all of this happened to you. I am happy that you are divorced and away from that horribly abusive situation. In my non professional opinion It sounds like you are exhibiting symptoms of C-PTSD. It's "normal" to force yourself to feel nothing when you are repeatedly in violent situations that you are unable to stop. The thing that we feel we can control is that we can stop feeling- which honestly makes sense when you are trying to live through a dehumanizing existence. I would highly recommend going to therapy to help you turn back on the feeling part of your brain. The most important thing I want you to know is that nothing you have suffered is your fault or your own doing. You didn't deserve any of it, no matter what your mother or mother in law or ex-husband told you. You never deserved- and still do not deserve- any kind of abuse or violence. I am glad you find these videos helpful and if you would like me to touch on a certain topic please reach out. You're not alone. Try these two videos to see if they are helpful for what you are going through. ❤️ studio.ruclips.net/user/video63cIEjqEeOI/edit studio.ruclips.net/user/videoxtSAqYDnI-I/edit
@Angel DeSantis thank you so, so much for your response. I actually had no idea feeling numb was part of cpstd. I thought that my cptsd was aaaallll of the feelings coming out. I will watch those videos now! Again, thank you so so much for your kindness and your words. Might sound crazy but I never had anyone I looked up to until I came across your content and I am just so grateful. Thank you a billion times!
@angellightrose I'm so sorry for the horrible things you've been through. I think whatever belief system *feels* best to you that doesn't harm you or others is what you should lean into, regardless of what that may be. I was christian for most of my life until recently but it never ever felt right to me. I only felt pain and sadness in it. I'm now an atheist and have never felt more love than with other atheists. For the first time I know peace and not just doom and all consuming fear. But I can only speak from my own experiences. I really do hope you find the path that brings you the most peace and joy whether that be christianity or any other belief system or religion. We only live one life and I think that's what we are meant to feel. I wish you healing and happiness on your journey to find what feels right to you ♥️
Dear Rachel, You are worthy. You deserve love and people who respect you, your needs and your boundaries. I honestly respect you so much for being at the point to reflect in such a way. Rachel, you got this. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people. I wish you the very best with all my heart- from probably far far away from you, Germany.
I can't afford therapy, but I'm married and I can't tell if I'm broken and need to heal, or if I'm actually asexual. It doesn't help that my dad was abusive to me (not in an overtly sexual way but he liked to rest his hand on my upper thigh when I was stuck in a car with him as a teenager and he was emotionally intimate with me and not my mom) for most of my life and unfortunately, I accidentally saw him naked right around the time that I was told about sex, and I genuinely don't know if my hatred of genitalia and sex has more to do with it being linked in my brain to him and the intense Christian purity culture bubble I grew up in, or if I genuinely dislike and don't need sex. I was immediately repulsed and horrified when my mom told me about sex (using a super cringey and vague Christian book), to the point where I stopped praying because I thought God was changing my body to become shameful, and I had no power to stop it. I have had extreme reactions to being around guys who talked about sex while I was in the room, or even being casually touched by guy friends on the shoulder or something, that have made me go into fight or flight mode, and I don't know why that would happen unless I've been sexually abused at some point and don't remember it or blocked it out. I've even had teachers stage an intervention and interrogate me about if I had been sexually abused because of how they interpreted a poem I wrote. At one point, I asked my mom if she ever left me alone with someone and if I've ever been sexually abused, and she said no, but she's a narcissist and a liar and I can't trust her anyway. I don't know how to even start to unravel the confusion, especially since I don't have the funds for therapy. It's pretty hard to find a therapist who would be trained to correctly interpret how cults, abuse and sexual identity all interact. I feel hopeless.... Does anyone have any thoughts?
There is a book called Silently seduced. It's about incest and when my therapist recommended it to me I was incredibly upset because I did not experience incest. But they still suggested I read it because it touches on the topic of emotional incest, where they make the children carry the burdens of the parents, which it sounds like they did in this case. It's a very difficult but very enlightening read and I recommend it. I'm sorry for you experience but glad you are healing.
My name is Pedro I’m a 50 Hispanic male , emotionally a mess thanks to a Narccisitic mother and father , extremely abusive psychologically thru the use of the Pentecostal church and even though I experienced some ok things , sadly the damage has been worst 10 times over .. unemployed , no longer feeling the sexual desires , but worst emotionally lost .. Severe chronic sleep disorders and too much to tell ..
Pedro, I'm so sorry to hear that. I sincerely hope you can find some help, wether on youtube, or a community of people who are also trying to heal. You deserve good things and healing.
My girlfriend was a product of very repressive religious zealots, she loved, and wanted sex, but the guilt of such sinfulness was very overwhelming , too much so for her to enjoy it. We came up with a plan that would relieve her of all the responsibility of having sex, and allow her to enjoy it, and then be able to blame it on me for forcing her to enjoy it. And we are still married forty years later. She no longer has to be forced.
This is SUCH an important topic! Thank you for holding space for this conversation! I want to add though that the origions of shame are not with Mary's virgin birth but rather all the way back with Adam. The first account we get of Adam having sex with Eve is what led to the birth of their first child who was born in sin, suggesting that the sexual act was sinful since they never had children while they were in the garden and without sin. I am on this jourmey and wow, we have been so messed up by (well meaning) christian teachings on this topic. I'm grateful for videos like this that add a layer to my undoing of the damage done to me as a young person on this topic ❤. Thank you
That was a hilarious line Angel "Jesus is watching you masturbate" lol If masturbating was a sin then we're all Hell bound🤣 Love your videos as well as Stevie Noah on Religious trauma.. One question I'll ask you is this, "if God chose a perfect or sinless Mary to have his son Jesus why does it say in the NT "ALL have sinned and come short of god's glory"? Seems contradictory to me!! Love to you Angel from Australia mate 🙋❤️
In a relationship and we both love each other very deeply. Have a constant nagging feeling I’m sexually inadequate, worthy, and it’s hard for me to embrace it without the whole objectification idea. I felt like there was so much wrong with me growing up. Hard for me to even blame them because it was done to them. It’s amazing how many generations are fucked up and how long this has been going on. I’ve been shamed for my sexual behavior and I’m trying to find it again. I’ve had partners that shamed me for feeling a kind of way. I’m just now trying to open up who I am without someone getting in my way and telling me who I should or should not be. I feel like I’ve internalized my parents affair drama…I don’t know if that’s a thing but towards turning 18 I just snapped when they were emotionally overwhelming at the most and unavailable. I seem to attach the betrayal to feeling any sexual emotion. My parents were split and remarried when I was a preteen. But that could also have something to do with my first romantic relationship being nothing but toxic. I feel fragmented and totally unable to come out and simply flirt with my lover. We have at one time. We were so intimate but I still struggled. Now it’s just worse and I feel nothing but shame.
Are there any remote learning courses you recommend in the area of religious trauma studies? I would like to learn more about it. I've taken a few psychology courses in years past and I find my interest in the topic of religious trauma deepens the more I hear people talk about it.
I have a religious trauma course at resiliencetraining.teachable.com/p/religious-trauma But I haven't found any other courses yet, which is why I ended up making my own.
I was very sexually precocious as a child. From 7 y.o. in grade 1 of primary school i wanted to kiss girls i liked. I knew what the bible said about sexual sin/lust (masturbation) and so throughout primary school i grew increasingly frustrated with myself that i couldn't stop being so horny. My angst was increased by God's failure to help me resist temptation despite His promise to not let be tempted beyond what i could bear. You touched on this, but you barely got into it before getting sidetracked with gays. Even as a child, i used to hate going to weddings because all i could think about was how they were going to finally have sex tonight and how lucky they were; and i would feel so jealous! It is incredibly invalidating to be told i can help it when i can't no matter how much i try. Any pastor i spoke to was always married so anything he said had zero legitimacy in my eyes. "Well it's all well and good for you to say.. You get yours..." Then there's the whole trusting God to bring me the woman he intends for me. And refusing to provide her for me as punishment because i can't stop self-loving. When i was 17, i went to an endocrinologist because i still hadn't started puberty. I had to have injections of testosterone just to kick-start it. How embarrassing! One day in my early 20s, i found a bible verse about being unmarried as being ideal, but *those who are unable to resist temptation* (SO VALIDATING) should marry because it is better to marry and live without sexual sin than to burn with passion. Finally, i found a bible verse that admitted there are such people like me who are so horny that we can't help it. However when i eagerly showed someone this verse, i was instantly shut down and dismissed, "You're listening to the devil, he's twisting those words.. No, you've been deceived!!" That's when i left and broke up with God... The reason this evil tyrant is so anti-sex is because HE can't get any Himself!!! Back when i was limited to godly women, worldly women would sometimes chat me up and i'd turn them down because we couldn't be unequally yoked. Now that i'm free to date worldly women, everyone rejects me. Now in my early 40s, I've gone from being grateful for "remembering the Lord my God in the days of my youth" to severely regretting it.
This video was quite helpful. I can see religious trauma has created sexual shame in me, and unfortunately, I am pessimistic of ever finding a healthy, accepting sexual self. But I would like to try. Are you available for online religious trauma therapy? Also, I would like to state that even though I know I need healing from religious trauma, I still very much want to maintain and improve my relationship with God. Thank you for sharing such valuable information.
You're welcome! I am going to run a little youtube school instead of offering counseling session, as they can sometimes be overwhelming for me. I would definitely suggest counseling as there are more and more people who are understanding religious trauma as it relates to sexuality.
Abuse is still in the church. Clergymen can do whatever they like and their narcissistic abuse is covered up by bishops and all in society. Nobody ever gets sacked for covering up abuse by priests. Narcissistic priests destroy the lives of their victims. We have been given good things from God. If children are a blessing from God then why is the care of children and their protection not a priority of the church. We have all arrived on earth via our parents. Intimacy between those who genuinely love one another is based on honest and true trust between two loving partners. Narcissistic parents and partners distort out true development. They create havoc in our lives in order to destroy our true security and everything is kept secret in order to keep dominance over us. The truth shall set you free. We have to set boundaries and walls between ourselves and those who bullied us. May we all find healing in loving relationships that are genuine and based on truth and love both of your partner and of the person that you truly are.
I am looking for some help. Perhaps virtually. As a former exotic dancer i received a lot of judgment regarding my decision. I was called a sex worker and a prostitute. As these labels were not true for me I chose to distance myself from my mother who had placed this shame upon me. I feel harassed as she is overtly spiritual and uses this authority to bully her belief into me. It has become a daily battle.
Sorry for your difficulties with your mother. I hope you have some friends with whom you can share your problem. If you talk to someone about it who is a strong Christian they may not empathize with you.
I certainly suffer from this, although it's hard to admit. Despite not being a part of the JW's anymore, even years later I still have this nagging feeling of being "pure", that my sexuality is wrong. It keeps ruining my relationships because of all the shame. I really hope all of us can overcome this and having loving, happy relationships with good healthy sex.
Btw. On top of what I said before idk if this is important but I was sexually assaulted as a kid kinda or blackmailed. Growing up bullied isolated always alone etc crying in the corner idk if that affects anything or what appreciate and waiting for your responses
I'm sorry you experienced that. That sort of violence so early on definitely affects us psychologically and if you haven't began therapy yet I would strongly encourage you to do so. It sounds like you were made to take on a lot of negative experiences and beliefs about yourself that you might still hold to this day if you've never undone them. You deserve to think well of yourself and to know that you didn't deserve any of it.
It’s ironic that the producer here is named “Angel”. More of an earth angel. Anyway, she does not advocate atheism but does want you to step back and see what abusers are doing in the name of Jesus. Christian teachings do not usually include a warning label but they should. Question: do you suppose looking at nudes or erotic-type films makes one more comfortable with sexual behavior? Or do they do harm? I imagine going to a nudist colony could be liberating. . I find some comedians lighten the whole issue and make us laugh and de-escalate tensions. I have seen some good female comedians who bring light to the woman’s point of view.
Sex is a super energy you can direct it to great working rather than having sex yes sex is important But not should be taken as only enjoyment otherwise it will destroy us.❤😂
You don't need religion. I use logic. I'm not religious based if strict religious only using my logic. Still side of me thinks sex is wrong and immoral. So it's nothing to do with religion. I see what you saying around 3min. And yes I want to be pure not evil a good person. Well can't be completely pure but at least be as good of a person as I possible can
I believe we need more than logic. We need philosophy to see religion in perspective. Religion, all-knowing god-based as it is, is not the only morality there is. Yeah, the sex shame thrown at us is hard to shake.
Read the book the case against sexual revolution and all the norms around sex will make sense there were reason why chastity in women are valued in evey society every civilization that existed or flourished to some extent valued women Virgin i can agree with suppressing nature of Christianity and islam but all other society civilization did it to why
@@amberinthemist7912I would definitely disagree there. In the vast majority of human history, there was no birth control or child support. So a cultural ethic of waiting to have sex until marriage absolutely benefitted women.
My mother reacted with horror and disgust to my nascent sexuality. I was a very curious young girl with a strong life-force drive in that area who grew up in an extremely repressed purity-culture household. I proceeded to have a lifelong history of being forcefully, humiliatingly rejected by men sexually and feeling like some kind of disgusting monster. At 26 I went home with the first willing male at the bar just to be relieved of my oppressive virginity (and to prove I wasn't under some paternalistic god's sadistic thumb). It was mostly infrequent one-offs for decades after that. I don't run into many women like me--I don't even appear much different from anyone else, on the outside--but I know this is definitely a trauma re-enactment. I have worked SO VERY HARD, via multiple modalities, to try to unravel the damage, but it goes deep. Psychology on the whole grossly underestimates the devastating impacts of religious trauma.
Thank you for being bold
@@carmenburgos1616 Thank you for the acknowledgement. ❤
I feel ya. although I'm a boy I went through something similar. This last year I was able to heal my religious trauma and other trauma. Honestly what helped was not some techinque, but allowing myself to find my true self, learn to trust it, let it guide me, listen to my feelings, learn to reconnect with my body, learn that this my true self is who I've always been.... I'm hoping you'll be able to do the same, a hug and compassion!
@@nohandleeeeee Thank you. I've actually felt very differently since learning self-forgiveness, which has been key to seeing myself as worthy and enough. It's something you never learn because it goes against everything they teach you. To be able to say to yourself, I forgive you, I know you did the best you could...whether it was for saying or doing something "stupid" or "bad" or failing at something important to you...it's life-changing.
I did the same exact thing at 16. You are not alone ❤
my mother taught me that "boy bodies are fine, girl bodies are disgusting" she told me i wasn't even to touch my body with out wearing gloves (which was super weird??) the youthgroup i went to was hyper into "i kissed dating goodbye" and all that other purity culture stuff.
i had a very warped perception of sexuality and when i developed sexual feelings i was so afraid of it that i actually tried to end my life over it.
i struggled so much into adulthood and it affected my marriage quite a bit. it wasn't till Sheila Geogorie (Bare Marriage) started talking about these things that i was able to see where that feeling came from and how to heal from it.
Thank you for sharing about what helped you! I know it will be useful for others as well! Appreciate you.
Yah, religions probably stigmatize because of menstruation in women, which the ancients did not understand. What else did they find shameful? Breasts? they did not know much about anatomy and physiology. The whole virgin birth story is an attack on intercourse as a moral act.
Just coming across this now. I come from a Catholic and Muslim background, which created the perfect cocktail of religious trauma and sexual shame. I really appreciate your content and this video. Thank you :)
Thank you for watching, I hope it was helpful to watch, and to know that you are not alone!
my god, so u are saying u can both make a bomb and feel guilty about it?
@@AngelDeSantis ❤
I didn't know there were people like me in the comments who are experiencing the same fear and shame as me.
I told my parents that I've always been afraid of the boyfriends I've had in the past, purely because of the physical attraction they had to me. I was even afraid of the guy I fell in love with. Even when I wanted to be slightly intimate with them the fear overrode it and I would freeze up and feel physically sick (I've never experienced sexual violence so the reaction has always confused me). This has pretty much destroyed every relationship I had because I would grow to resent them for 'using' me, even though being physically intimate is super normal!!! My parents didn't see anything wrong with these feelings since they are very strict about sexuality, and I don't think they even kissed before marriage. My mom is particularly strict about this aspect of religion, and she has made sure that my siblings and I are fully aware of it. It really hurt my feelings when they told me that the pain and frustration I was going through was a good thing, and that it meant I was morally superior to my peers in some way.
But I don't want to be like this, and I want to be able to love my future partner some day without being scared or repulsed. It feels like all my friends are adults and I'm still a child, and it's very lonely.
You need to get your parents and your upbringing out of your sex life or you will lead a life of misery and dissatisfaction. Your symptoms are very common among evangelical wives who have had a prudish upbringing; and I know quite a few men who left because of this issue. Get therapy so you can live a fulfilling life.
I want to acknowledge your pain and struggle as real! I also want to acknowledge your courage in so vulnerably sharing your most intimate experiences in this space. as Angel has said, there is ALWAYS a reason for how we feel, and often the source is buried in our subconscious. it is possible (common in fact) to have sexual trauma and not remember it, but to have conscious symptoms that point to trauma (as you do) such as intense fear, shame, freeze response, feeling physically sick, repulsion and feeling 'used'.
I will disagree with your parents and say that having intense fear and shame around sex is NOT a good thing, and does not make you 'morally superior', but rather I acknowledge that it has created a state of inner pain, conflict, and loneliness for you.
the good news is that we are living at a time - unprecedented in the generations before us, where there is SO much help available, and SO many resources to support healing in this area.
you have already begun by courageously 'outing yourself'/ breaking the silence around your innermost struggles. I hope that in the year since you posted this comment that you have continued to seek help and find resources that support you to heal and grow and become more fully yourself.
I’m right there with you. I’m just starting my journey to overcome this, but I am hopeful because of people like Angel. We can do this.
i can't describe how much your words touched me..god it really feels like all my friends are adults and i'm still a child and IT IS very lonely. hope you heal all your wounds and enjoy the love of your life🤍🤍
I have never heard anyone talk about the importance of disgust. I feel like there's a lot of talk about how "sex is okay, it's not disgusting," and it's almost like the goal is to go from feeling like sex is bad to feeling like disgust is bad. And that's not helpful because. I think I tried to undo my negative programming about sex by having a lot of sex that I didn't necessarily want, and that was just further trauma.
Disgust by definition is something that is extremely unpleasant or offensive, therefore “bad”.
@@stephenpowstinger733right, I think the better thing to do is the thing that's in between. Sex is gross only because it's a physical human thing. It's the most viscerally most people will interact with their body. The fear of sex is often the fear of one's own body, one's own physicality. We cover up much of the other gross things we do with all kinds of mental models and little stories to sanitize them, so when we finally interact with sex, we have no tools, or we cover it up in the most bizarre of ways. We dress it up spiritually or artistically to shield ourselves from the raw natural aspect of it.
The trick is instead, not even in how we approach sex at all. If we would properly do our homework with the rest of our bodies, fully embrace our animal physical parts of ourselves, then sex would not be so big of a leap.
And as a result, the word disgust itself could be more healthily relegated to aspects of physicality that actually have serious real negative aspects to them. It's just that the only way we can discern those is if we have a healthy embrace of the physicality of our bodies and the good aspects of that thing about it we call "gross."
I think this entire thing is literally why religions always in particular have this neurotic relationship with sex. It's because by their nature they appeal to ego, to self narrative. They ask people to fall into a carefully constructed sequestered story for every aspect of life. But sex, raw as it is, comes in and makes that very, very difficult. So each religion always handles it in the most bizarre way, and that is why sex often ends up being the beginning of the crack that forms when someone begins to break out of a religion's oppression.
Good analysis of a delicate subject.
I've struggled so many years (and still am currently) with my bisexuality. I was taught that it's wrong, so I need to unpack that disgust out of my brain and just accept myself.
This was hard to listen to. I left religion over ten years ago, and I still feel this disgust towards myself and my sexuality. This reminded me of all the messages I received back then and all the damage they did, and it makes me hurt for the people who had it worse than me.
I always have this overwhelming feeling that doing most sexual acts is bad and wrong. The church and purity culture is toxic and I wish I didn’t experience it. It’s clear that it has affected me because I’ve had no sexual abuse or pressure to perform certain acts. I am going to marry a man who has never had sex but doesn’t have a warped view about it. I’ve had sex in the past, and don’t have like a lot of experience, but I do know that I’m not comfortable even thinking about some things that he may way to do. Idk how to reconcile this.
You're not alone, yes purity culture is absolutely horrible and can warp your brain. But I'm glad that you know that and are trying to figure out where to go from here. Your body and sexuality/ sensuality is your own and should feel pleasurable to you. Take time to re-grow that part of yourself if you feel it's lost. I think it's healthy to learn about how you can playfully express your sensuality. But don't rush yourself, invite yourself into play and let it surprise you.
I am just going through dealing with this as well...for 33+ years in my marriage. May I recommend Sex, God and The Conservative Church by Dr Tina Sellers. It is helping me through the oppressive religious sexual trauma. The audio book is great.
as the author reads it. May you find healing, Alex.
Recognizing why these feelings are coming up is so important to beginning healing!
The moment you said that angel Gabriel had sex with the virgin Mary and she loved it, I bursted into laughter and remembered how my atheist husband joked that it would've been the true story :D
That's his headcannon:
Angel Gabriel: Hello, virgin Mary, the God wants you be the mother of his divine son! Do you agree?
Virgin Mary: Oh, okay! If that's what the Lord wants, I trust His will. But how come I'm gonna be pregnant if I'm not married yet?
Angel Gabriel: Oh, don't worry, God knows the way! Come here, baby! *unzips pants*
I don't want to offend anyone, it's just for the LOLs.
When you are homosexual, it becomes more complicated 😞
Wow. I’m in the process of unraveling a lot of stuff and these videos are really helping me feel seen. Thank you.
You got this! I am so thankful that they are useful for you! Appreciate you being here.
I'm a 36 year old former Christian, and every time I do anything sexual-related, I feel bad and ashamed, even after I left the religion more than 6 years ago. I know I need therapy, and I'm glad I found this video. Any other help is much appreciated.
I would highly recommend a therapist trained in purity culture. Also allow yourself the courage to view yourself as a sexual being. Remember it's not an either or - religion teaches black and white thinking so either you are celibate or a pervert - But you are human and this is a side to your nature that can be cultivated.
@@AngelDeSantis Thank you so much for your response. 🙏
Omg, dear Ms Angel DeSantis, you're truly an angel! Thanks for delivering such invaluable information! Now I can articulate my own thoughts a lot better.
Its so amazing to hear someone explain why I feel the way I feel after wondering for so many years and not knowing why.I grew up in a very strict home and religion that really messed me up and watching your videos on religious trauma as well as this one have been so helpful in understanding this all.and I finally feel somewhat validated after years of being “wrong”.thankyou so much!
You're so welcome! Thank you for watching, and I'm so glad it helped!
It can become a performance to receive approval! Whew that resonates very strongly with me!
Religion makes me wish I was never born.
Shit... 😅
Same. I left the church but the fear of hell is still so strong and able to put me in a state of unreasonable terror it’s almost a psychotic delusion
Me too my dear
Religion is supposed to teach you that you are unconditionally beloved and important enough that you were created with intention by the Source of All Good. I'm so sorry.
I agree with your points, Islam is the same way if not even more extreme, I'm an ex Sunni Muslim since 7 years, I grew up between Saudi Arabia and Jordan, I crave intimacy but struggle to be okay with someone touching me, what's more frustrating is that I can't leave the middle east so I can heal and live a proper love life somewhere not backwards religious
I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that, and I'm sorry you feel trapped. My wish for you is to be able to share your story and struggles with someone who also lives where you are. If you are going through this, I guarantee you others are too, and I hope you can share this journey together.
@@AngelDeSantis That sounds good, thank you for your advice and kind words
I'm literally so tired of feeling this way. I grew up in a Muslim family so I have a ton of religious trauma especially religious sexual shame. I've only ever dated online and every time I got sexual with someone online I used to feel guit. Now I don't feel guilty anymore but I literally feel like I'm being used when it's entirely consensual? Idk how to explain but my brain always tells me sex is just people taking what they need and I can't bring myself to believe it's something people who love each other do. How do I stop seeing sex as exploitative? The longer I keep thinking this way the longer it will be detrimental to my future relationships
I address this in this video
ruclips.net/video/U7c3OVSD0_k/видео.html
It's the first question I answer, but mostly I would say allow yourself to not believe that you are a sexual object for mens gratification, rather learn about your sensuality as if you were discovering it for the first time. Your sexuality belongs exclusively to you, but if you were raised with a lot of sexual shame, it will feel like it doesn't belong to you and you need to turn it on/ off depending on how it's received. You can go the rest of your life without any sexual contact if you choose to, that is your absolute right. But if you want to be sexual with people you choose, learn to make it a good experience by approaching it with curiosity, learn as much as you can about sex and decide which parts you want to try with a partner who makes you feel safe enough to express that side of yourself. You've got this, you have time.
Few months ago I also had the feeling of being used everytime things got sexual. I assure you that it's completely possible to heal. I understood that I was feeling this way because how men in my family acted. They were always treating women(my mother,grandmother) as inferior to them. You grew up in Muslim culture, so I guess your situation was similar (sorry if I'm wrong) . Love is between people who feel equal to each other. I understood that men in my family had lots of mental issues and low self-esteem and I also realized the reasons for their bad mental health - basically everything started making sense. This really helped in my healing (plus inner child healing meditations). I realized that men in my family were broken AF and because of it they needed to feel superior and powerful to feel better about themselves so they started putting others down. But I promise you , that it is completely possible to heal. Now I don't feel like being used anymore, no matter what I do with someone ...
I hope you get better and if you can you really should cut the relationships with toxic men who treat women bad and find men who treat you as equal.
@@monikapp3981 thank you so so much. I'm glad you understood why it's happening. I hope I can heal too. Even when I'm with a guy who is kind to me I still feel like being used like I just have to give myself 😭❤️
@@AngelDeSantis thank you so so much I'll definitely check it out thank u 🥺❤️
Some do use u online or not. Be careful n protect your energy n yourself. Im all for sexual exploration but get checked before n after. Also make sure that persom respects u. Is not only just for sex unless ur lookin for something not serious. Be safe n love yourself, it takes time to grow
This was helpful thank you. Im in the journey of separating God from the sexual trauma that I went through in the name of God. Im glad I did not lose my faith because of this. When God’s name is misused for personal advantage, the victim is at great risk for losing their faith.
Thank you for addressing this. As I was discovering myself when I was coming of age my parents made me feel like it was dirty and wrong. Raised in a Christian home, of coarse. I have definitely taken a step back over the last few years and looked at the religious system from an objective position. Very revealing.
Thank you for watching, I'm glad it made sense. I'm sorry that your parents made you feel like your normal human development was disgusting or wrong. It's a very religious mindset to think that our bodies are full of "sin" as opposed to allowing human development to happen naturally. I hope you are recovering from those mindsets and that this video was helpful!
@@AngelDeSantis
Thank you, I appreciate that.
You break this down and explain it so well. Thank you. It’s helping me heal. 🌷😇
I am so glad to hear that. Thank you!
Thank you for making this. It’s very difficult to find videos on this topic, and even more difficult to find therapists that truly understand this issue. How could I go about making an appointment to speak with you if that’s possible?
I have a contact page on my website and I can refer you to some really amazing therapists !
Thank you! You truly are an Angel! I have been working on trying to heal sex and religious trauma for a little over a year but it is very difficult because of how jumbled it is. You articulated this so well and helped me understand and break it down in a way I haven't been able to. ( I had not even realized the implications of the virgin Mary before.)
Thank you for watching, I'm glad it was helpful. I feel like this topic is so underrepresented and I wanted to help bring it to light.
Thank you so much for this video! I would like to find more recourses on this topic.
Let me know if you want any specific topic in particular, Ill try to suggest what I know.
I watched this video with my journal open in front of me and filled over 3 pages with what came up as I was watching. Thank you so much for this video! It gave me a new perspective on something I knew I was struggling with but wasn't able to put into words. I do have a therapist and I will be bringing this all up with her, but in the meantime, my question is this: what do I do next? I can point to specific moments from my past and go "that's the moment my mom taught me that my body is disgusting" but now what? How do I begin to set those beliefs aside and recognize and internalize the truth of the situation and move forward to develop a healthy sexual self?
I would suggest therapy. Or if for any reason therapy isn't' available, I would suggest creating moments for yourself where you affirm your body and sexuality as good things. It takes a while to undo what was done, but it's helpful to have moments where you consciously create thoughts that are true (i.e. your body is good) and useful (i.e. I deserve pleasure) and letting those thoughts exist in your head will change the trajectory of your thoughts over time.
I have a similar but different issue. I was, I guess you could say groomed for chastity with the waiting for marriage at church and my parents tore down my self confidence in my ability to date.
So I've never done anything sexual and I'm close to 30. I don't feel disgust, rather I'm very comfortable being single and have a hard time trusting people. Honestly my gut feeling is that whoever is trying to date me is trying to manipulate me or control me. I usually end up choosing to be single because I hate that feeling and like being in control of my own life.
I dont feel like not having sex has turned me into a pervert or a predator tho. I don't think its turned me ugly just gave me too much hesitation.
I definitely understand the feeling that other people are just trying to manipulate you, I felt that way for a long time. That is something that abusive religion does, teach you that people are generally bad, which can create a lot of mistrust and makes it almost impossible to have natural human connection.
If you feel comfortable being single that's awesome, keep on doing the things that make you feel happy and safe.
If you ever want to have a different experience, the way I started having human interaction was learning to believe that I was worth being kind to and caring for. That allowed me to have big boundaries in place and watch who was kind to me, which over time, allowed me to trust them.
wow, isn't it sad how parents fear their child's emerging sexuality so much that they shame them for it and shackle them with their own projections coming from their own unhealed wounds and traumas! having your self confidence 'torn down' by parents is so deeply damaging, as we see them as our mirrors to reflect back to us who we are.
being single can be such a safe zone! I know this because I have chosen to be single for most of my adult life, in order to feel safe and in control! but in writing this, I also cherish that I have been able to have some really thrilling and loving sexual experiences, and I wouldn't want to have had an adulthood without them! I'm proud that I've stepped fully into my own autonomy, no longer bound by the 'no sex outside of marriage' conditioning I was raised with. this feels powerful and empowering.
I just turned 50, and in watching this video I am once again declaring that I would like in this decade of my life to resume sex. when I was younger I thought I was more powerful by turning this switch off, and that being sexual was a vulnerability that made me more weak around men. but when I see women like Angel who embrace their sexuality, even with an intense trauma background, I think "now that is how I want to be', and it seems more powerful than 'repression'/ being 'asexual'/ forever 'single'.
Trust your gut. Wait for the right person- someone who gave it up at 16
Thank you for this, very helpful discussion. A lot of stuff I needed to hear.
You are so welcome! I'm glad it was useful for you.
I remember the youth services quite well, it was pretty much the youth pastor casting out the “spirit of sex”, his most favorite verse was 2 Titus 2:22.
All of the leaders had an unhealthy fixation with us not having sex.
I’m 50 and just now all this trauma started to surface in the shape of anger and indignation. I start therapy next week.
I’m more messed up than I thought. I really hope I can heal from all this nonsense.
I started being abused by my male babysitter when I was 5-7 and then got married when I was 17. I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for 7 now. I was taught by my mother, family, church and friends that it was my "duty" to satisfy my husband's "needs" even when I didn't feel like it. Even though it was horrifically painful for the entire duration of my marriage. Even when I would be sobbing it didn't stop the onslaught. So I learned to disconnect sex from intimacy. I can't even begin to understand what actual intimacy is. Do you have any videos on women specifically being taught to only serve as a vessel for their husband's "needs" while entirely ignoring their own? I don't even know what my own intimacy needs or wants are. This has been a huge source of trauma since I was a child and since it's so closely related to abusive religion I can't find much on it. I don't feel disgust, I feel nothing and that's scary to me. Even after being violently sa'd by my husband and calling the police he set my house on fire and my mother and his mother told me it was my fault for not "taking care of his needs". I'm so disconnected even from the trauma that I feel nothing as I type this when most people would feel horrified. But anyway please point me in the right direction if you do happen to have anything regarding this particular part of the subject. Your videos are so important to me and I'm so grateful!
Rachel, I am so sorry to hear that all of this happened to you. I am happy that you are divorced and away from that horribly abusive situation. In my non professional opinion It sounds like you are exhibiting symptoms of C-PTSD. It's "normal" to force yourself to feel nothing when you are repeatedly in violent situations that you are unable to stop. The thing that we feel we can control is that we can stop feeling- which honestly makes sense when you are trying to live through a dehumanizing existence. I would highly recommend going to therapy to help you turn back on the feeling part of your brain.
The most important thing I want you to know is that nothing you have suffered is your fault or your own doing. You didn't deserve any of it, no matter what your mother or mother in law or ex-husband told you. You never deserved- and still do not deserve- any kind of abuse or violence. I am glad you find these videos helpful and if you would like me to touch on a certain topic please reach out. You're not alone.
Try these two videos to see if they are helpful for what you are going through. ❤️
studio.ruclips.net/user/video63cIEjqEeOI/edit
studio.ruclips.net/user/videoxtSAqYDnI-I/edit
@Angel DeSantis thank you so, so much for your response. I actually had no idea feeling numb was part of cpstd. I thought that my cptsd was aaaallll of the feelings coming out. I will watch those videos now! Again, thank you so so much for your kindness and your words. Might sound crazy but I never had anyone I looked up to until I came across your content and I am just so grateful. Thank you a billion times!
@angellightrose I'm so sorry for the horrible things you've been through. I think whatever belief system *feels* best to you that doesn't harm you or others is what you should lean into, regardless of what that may be. I was christian for most of my life until recently but it never ever felt right to me. I only felt pain and sadness in it. I'm now an atheist and have never felt more love than with other atheists. For the first time I know peace and not just doom and all consuming fear. But I can only speak from my own experiences. I really do hope you find the path that brings you the most peace and joy whether that be christianity or any other belief system or religion. We only live one life and I think that's what we are meant to feel. I wish you healing and happiness on your journey to find what feels right to you ♥️
@angellightrose I hope you find happiness and a good social support system on your journey. You deserve all the best in the world!
Dear Rachel,
You are worthy. You deserve love and people who respect you, your needs and your boundaries. I honestly respect you so much for being at the point to reflect in such a way.
Rachel, you got this. Don’t be afraid to reach out to people. I wish you the very best with all my heart- from probably far far away from you, Germany.
I can't afford therapy, but I'm married and I can't tell if I'm broken and need to heal, or if I'm actually asexual. It doesn't help that my dad was abusive to me (not in an overtly sexual way but he liked to rest his hand on my upper thigh when I was stuck in a car with him as a teenager and he was emotionally intimate with me and not my mom) for most of my life and unfortunately, I accidentally saw him naked right around the time that I was told about sex, and I genuinely don't know if my hatred of genitalia and sex has more to do with it being linked in my brain to him and the intense Christian purity culture bubble I grew up in, or if I genuinely dislike and don't need sex. I was immediately repulsed and horrified when my mom told me about sex (using a super cringey and vague Christian book), to the point where I stopped praying because I thought God was changing my body to become shameful, and I had no power to stop it. I have had extreme reactions to being around guys who talked about sex while I was in the room, or even being casually touched by guy friends on the shoulder or something, that have made me go into fight or flight mode, and I don't know why that would happen unless I've been sexually abused at some point and don't remember it or blocked it out. I've even had teachers stage an intervention and interrogate me about if I had been sexually abused because of how they interpreted a poem I wrote. At one point, I asked my mom if she ever left me alone with someone and if I've ever been sexually abused, and she said no, but she's a narcissist and a liar and I can't trust her anyway. I don't know how to even start to unravel the confusion, especially since I don't have the funds for therapy. It's pretty hard to find a therapist who would be trained to correctly interpret how cults, abuse and sexual identity all interact. I feel hopeless.... Does anyone have any thoughts?
There is a book called Silently seduced. It's about incest and when my therapist recommended it to me I was incredibly upset because I did not experience incest. But they still suggested I read it because it touches on the topic of emotional incest, where they make the children carry the burdens of the parents, which it sounds like they did in this case. It's a very difficult but very enlightening read and I recommend it. I'm sorry for you experience but glad you are healing.
My name is Pedro I’m a 50 Hispanic male , emotionally a mess thanks to a Narccisitic mother and father , extremely abusive psychologically thru the use of the Pentecostal church and even though I experienced some ok things , sadly the damage has been worst 10 times over .. unemployed , no longer feeling the sexual desires , but worst emotionally lost .. Severe chronic sleep disorders and too much to tell ..
Pedro, I'm so sorry to hear that. I sincerely hope you can find some help, wether on youtube, or a community of people who are also trying to heal. You deserve good things and healing.
thank you👍
My girlfriend was a product of very repressive religious zealots, she loved, and wanted sex, but the guilt of such sinfulness was very overwhelming , too much so for her to enjoy it. We came up with a plan that would relieve her of all the responsibility of having sex, and allow her to enjoy it, and then be able to blame it on me for forcing her to enjoy it. And we are still married forty years later. She no longer has to be forced.
I was in a cult I desperately need to watch all ur videos
I hope they help Lucy. Thank you for being here.
This is SUCH an important topic! Thank you for holding space for this conversation! I want to add though that the origions of shame are not with Mary's virgin birth but rather all the way back with Adam. The first account we get of Adam having sex with Eve is what led to the birth of their first child who was born in sin, suggesting that the sexual act was sinful since they never had children while they were in the garden and without sin. I am on this jourmey and wow, we have been so messed up by (well meaning) christian teachings on this topic. I'm grateful for videos like this that add a layer to my undoing of the damage done to me as a young person on this topic ❤. Thank you
Thank you for this
Thank you for being here!
Well done and kudos for sharing your past in order to help and heal others. 😊
Thank you! 😊
Thank you for the wonderful video. Just know what you talk about applies to men as well. Though we don't talk about it as much, it's still very real.
Very much on target for me. Grew up in religous trauma type enivironment ahd have abuse in past.
Thanks so much for this video.
I just start on my healing journey. What a waste of time before!! 🤧
The time before is lost but it's not a waste. Keep living and healing, you'll find a way.
@@AngelDeSantis thank you ❤️🤧
That was a hilarious line Angel "Jesus is watching you masturbate" lol If masturbating was a sin then we're all Hell bound🤣 Love your videos as well as Stevie Noah on Religious trauma..
One question I'll ask you is this, "if God chose a perfect or sinless Mary to have his son Jesus why does it say in the NT "ALL have sinned and come short of god's glory"? Seems contradictory to me!! Love to you Angel from Australia mate 🙋❤️
17:30 definition, 21:02 the reason why
Thank you!
In a relationship and we both love each other very deeply. Have a constant nagging feeling I’m sexually inadequate, worthy, and it’s hard for me to embrace it without the whole objectification idea. I felt like there was so much wrong with me growing up. Hard for me to even blame them because it was done to them. It’s amazing how many generations are fucked up and how long this has been going on. I’ve been shamed for my sexual behavior and I’m trying to find it again. I’ve had partners that shamed me for feeling a kind of way. I’m just now trying to open up who I am without someone getting in my way and telling me who I should or should not be. I feel like I’ve internalized my parents affair drama…I don’t know if that’s a thing but towards turning 18 I just snapped when they were emotionally overwhelming at the most and unavailable. I seem to attach the betrayal to feeling any sexual emotion. My parents were split and remarried when I was a preteen. But that could also have something to do with my first romantic relationship being nothing but toxic. I feel fragmented and totally unable to come out and simply flirt with my lover. We have at one time. We were so intimate but I still struggled. Now it’s just worse and I feel nothing but shame.
Are there any remote learning courses you recommend in the area of religious trauma studies? I would like to learn more about it. I've taken a few psychology courses in years past and I find my interest in the topic of religious trauma deepens the more I hear people talk about it.
I have a religious trauma course at resiliencetraining.teachable.com/p/religious-trauma But I haven't found any other courses yet, which is why I ended up making my own.
Thank you so much. It helped me a lot.
I'm so glad to hear that. Thank you!
I needed this. This was so amazing. 💕
Thank you! I am glad you found it.
I was very sexually precocious as a child. From 7 y.o. in grade 1 of primary school i wanted to kiss girls i liked. I knew what the bible said about sexual sin/lust (masturbation) and so throughout primary school i grew increasingly frustrated with myself that i couldn't stop being so horny. My angst was increased by God's failure to help me resist temptation despite His promise to not let be tempted beyond what i could bear. You touched on this, but you barely got into it before getting sidetracked with gays.
Even as a child, i used to hate going to weddings because all i could think about was how they were going to finally have sex tonight and how lucky they were; and i would feel so jealous!
It is incredibly invalidating to be told i can help it when i can't no matter how much i try. Any pastor i spoke to was always married so anything he said had zero legitimacy in my eyes. "Well it's all well and good for you to say.. You get yours..."
Then there's the whole trusting God to bring me the woman he intends for me. And refusing to provide her for me as punishment because i can't stop self-loving.
When i was 17, i went to an endocrinologist because i still hadn't started puberty. I had to have injections of testosterone just to kick-start it. How embarrassing!
One day in my early 20s, i found a bible verse about being unmarried as being ideal, but *those who are unable to resist temptation* (SO VALIDATING) should marry because it is better to marry and live without sexual sin than to burn with passion.
Finally, i found a bible verse that admitted there are such people like me who are so horny that we can't help it.
However when i eagerly showed someone this verse, i was instantly shut down and dismissed, "You're listening to the devil, he's twisting those words.. No, you've been deceived!!" That's when i left and broke up with God... The reason this evil tyrant is so anti-sex is because HE can't get any Himself!!!
Back when i was limited to godly women, worldly women would sometimes chat me up and i'd turn them down because we couldn't be unequally yoked. Now that i'm free to date worldly women, everyone rejects me.
Now in my early 40s, I've gone from being grateful for "remembering the Lord my God in the days of my youth" to severely regretting it.
Thank You for this video
Thank you for watching.
This video was quite helpful. I can see religious trauma has created sexual shame in me, and unfortunately, I am pessimistic of ever finding a healthy, accepting sexual self. But I would like to try. Are you available for online religious trauma therapy? Also, I would like to state that even though I know I need healing from religious trauma, I still very much want to maintain and improve my relationship with God. Thank you for sharing such valuable information.
You're welcome! I am going to run a little youtube school instead of offering counseling session, as they can sometimes be overwhelming for me. I would definitely suggest counseling as there are more and more people who are understanding religious trauma as it relates to sexuality.
Abuse is still in the church. Clergymen can do whatever they like and their narcissistic abuse is covered up by bishops and all in society. Nobody ever gets sacked for covering up abuse by priests. Narcissistic priests destroy the lives of their victims.
We have been given good things from God. If children are a blessing from God then why is the care of children and their protection not a priority of the church.
We have all arrived on earth via our parents. Intimacy between those who genuinely love one another is based on honest and true trust between two loving partners.
Narcissistic parents and partners distort out true development. They create havoc in our lives in order to destroy our true security and everything is kept secret in order to keep dominance over us.
The truth shall set you free. We have to set boundaries and walls between ourselves and those who bullied us.
May we all find healing in loving relationships that are genuine and based on truth and love both of your partner and of the person that you truly are.
I am looking for some help. Perhaps virtually. As a former exotic dancer i received a lot of judgment regarding my decision. I was called a sex worker and a prostitute. As these labels were not true for me I chose to distance myself from my mother who had placed this shame upon me. I feel harassed as she is overtly spiritual and uses this authority to bully her belief into me. It has become a daily battle.
Sorry for your difficulties with your mother. I hope you have some friends with whom you can share your problem. If you talk to someone about it who is a strong Christian they may not empathize with you.
You are so articulate 💞 are you certified as a counselor?
I am not, I make these videos to create awareness and I created a course on teachable, but I do not have any training as a counselor.
I certainly suffer from this, although it's hard to admit. Despite not being a part of the JW's anymore, even years later I still have this nagging feeling of being "pure", that my sexuality is wrong. It keeps ruining my relationships because of all the shame. I really hope all of us can overcome this and having loving, happy relationships with good healthy sex.
Btw. On top of what I said before idk if this is important but I was sexually assaulted as a kid kinda or blackmailed. Growing up bullied isolated always alone etc crying in the corner idk if that affects anything or what appreciate and waiting for your responses
I'm sorry you experienced that. That sort of violence so early on definitely affects us psychologically and if you haven't began therapy yet I would strongly encourage you to do so. It sounds like you were made to take on a lot of negative experiences and beliefs about yourself that you might still hold to this day if you've never undone them. You deserve to think well of yourself and to know that you didn't deserve any of it.
@@AngelDeSantis I'm ok. I guess I just to accept I am who I am.
This is such a good video
Thank you!
It’s ironic that the producer here is named “Angel”. More of an earth angel.
Anyway, she does not advocate atheism but does want you to step back and see what abusers are doing in the name of Jesus. Christian teachings do not usually include a warning label but they should.
Question: do you suppose looking at nudes or erotic-type films makes one more comfortable with sexual behavior? Or do they do harm? I imagine going to a nudist colony could be liberating.
. I find some comedians lighten the whole issue and make us laugh and de-escalate tensions. I have seen some good female comedians who bring light to the woman’s point of view.
Sex is a super energy you can direct it to great working rather than having sex yes sex is important But not should be taken as only enjoyment otherwise it will destroy us.❤😂
You work 24/7?
Very unhealthy thing to say. Humans don't need pleasure?
You don't need religion. I use logic. I'm not religious based if strict religious only using my logic. Still side of me thinks sex is wrong and immoral. So it's nothing to do with religion. I see what you saying around 3min. And yes I want to be pure not evil a good person. Well can't be completely pure but at least be as good of a person as I possible can
I believe we need more than logic. We need philosophy to see religion in perspective. Religion, all-knowing god-based as it is, is not the only morality there is. Yeah, the sex shame thrown at us is hard to shake.
Actually, she wasn't a virgin. She was a married woman, and cheated on her husband, from which J was born. That is why he was such a rebel.
The purity culture is one of the most distressing aspects of Christian fundamentalism.
Sex is different hook ups are different but still How can a man who have some pride in him marry a non virgin girl is beyond me
How can a woman who have some pride marry a non virgin man is beyond my understanding??
Read the book the case against sexual revolution and all the norms around sex will make sense there were reason why chastity in women are valued in evey society every civilization that existed or flourished to some extent valued women Virgin i can agree with suppressing nature of Christianity and islam but all other society civilization did it to why
Well, we know for sure that it wasn't ever for the benefit of the women.
@@amberinthemist7912I would definitely disagree there. In the vast majority of human history, there was no birth control or child support. So a cultural ethic of waiting to have sex until marriage absolutely benefitted women.
YOGA is the antithesis of Christianity.