Courtship and Sexual Baggage | Doug Wilson
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- In this episode of Blog & Mablog, Pastor Doug Wilson continues his series of letters to a fictional niece about the relationship between the sexes, this time discussing how sexual baggage should be dealt with in dating and courtship.
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Full text here: dougwils.com/b...
"Christ can and does forgive the sins of three weeks ago as readily and as willingly as He forgives the sins of seven years ago.
So forgiveness is not the issue. The issue would be trust."
Blog and Mablog is presented by @CanonPress
My daughter is 2, I would have never thought of asking about her future potential suitors porn history. What a great question. Also, Doug is on point with his godly wisdom.
If he says he never did don't believe him ,because there is a 90% he has.
Your Job as her father is to pick her future spouse. As soon as she turns 18 you should be looking for her Husband. You are her father, you know better than her. Women are notoriously bad at picking decent men. This is how it was done in traditional times. The father picks the husband as soon as his daughter is of age.
"Our culture makes it easy to weigh such things with unequal weights and measures on sexual matters"
Great stuff as always!
Good stuff. Thanks for reading a private letter that's so applicable to many couples out there. As a millennial, it's been such a battle to stay pure from the snares of the porn industry. From childhood to marriage. But I still believe it's possible through constant repentance and the power of the holy spirit. A few things that are helping me stay faithful are starting my day with reading out loud at least 5 minutes of something from the Bible. (Not an app on my phone, but the actual paper book.) Then responding to it with a prayer. It's like putting on my armor for the day before I go to battle. Hopefully I can remember a verse later if I feel triggered. Also, staying busy and productive, being plugged into a faith community and surrounded with good people. And of course, fostering a healthy and happy intimate relationship with my wife. The more my heart loves her, the less desire I have to look at porn because I want to protect and foster our relationship, to prove myself faithful and earn her trust. Despite my past failures, I can do this knowing God is merciful and has forgiven me of my slip ups and wants our marriage to succeed. Meanwhile, society shouts lies like "Once a cheater, always cheater!" These worldy mottos are the fear of many women. But God is in the business of forgiving, restoring and transforming. His grace is sufficient for me. Therefore, he will strengthen me to be faithful both now and in the future. And I pray he helps any other married dude out there reading this. Be strong and courageous, my Brother! Amen.
LOL, it's much easier when you have a wife. Spare a thought for us single guys.
@@selohcin
Unless you have a wife and she doesn't sleep with you. Then it's the worst of both worlds.
Share this with every young, unmarried woman you know.
My boyfriend watched porn up to the day we started dating. He quit to honor me and to honor God and never looked back. He is a Godly man working hard to be a good husband for me when we get married. So no, past porn watching isn’t disqualifying. It’s his attitude towards that past that matters.
Make sure y'all have accountability software with an accountability partner. Most men, including me, had a massive struggle with quitting porn. If he was exposed long enough it creates a kind of addiction and stopping cold turkey isn't likely.
Good for him though for stopping to honor you! Sounds like he is doing right by you. God Bless!
@@the32712 he did quit cold turkey, we’ve been together for a year. I think his success is mostly attributed to a renewed closeness with God as well as good strategy, he doesn’t use social media and we hardly watch any TV or movies. Staying away from temptation is a powerful tool.
When you say boyfriend does that mean sex out of wedlock?
@@foofoomagoogoo it's weird the assumptions some people make, boyfriend/girlfriend has never needed to mean "having sex".
@@foofoomagoogoo no, we are chaste. Innocent couch cuddling and closed mouth kisses is all we ever do :)
Hey Doug thanks for adding 4k resolution to your videos. I don't know how I managed without seeing every single one of your pores in super HD.
He just wanted you to see his ‘Holiness’
@@austinrush446 😂😂😂
So Holi
Yall have no chill 🤣
shared, thank you. the though experiment does add to the perspective. God bless you
Very good point. Big problem today.
Another great topic of discussion. It would be a MUCH better society we live in if every church had leaders confronting these modern issues head-on with a doctrinally sound Biblical lens.
This just came in the exact time for me, it is sent by God. I appreciate it!
And that will always be a perspective
Uncle Doug they disqualify men for waaaaaaaaaay less than Porn lolol
Comparing a man’s fantasy sex life to a woman’s actual sex life is a mismatch. Thought and actions are both important, but we ought not equate the two falsely.
The two sexes being so different, there’s no perfect comparison, but It would be much more fair to compare male porn consumption to female time reading romance novels and posting alluring photos in “social” apps. Both are the preferred “emotional cheating” of their respective genders.
As much as I like the message presented here, the details used could accidentally reinforce that men’s partner count doesn’t matter, and women satiating their vanity differently from men is equally innocent.
Thank you for staying this. Came here to make a similar comment
Men always object in this way, but for a woman it amounts to the same thing. Porn isn’t fantasy, it’s real. If my husband hired a prostitute to watch her pleasure herself and didn’t touch her, it would still be cheating to me. You don’t have to understand, but believe me, most women think porn watching is similar to cheating and has the same moral weight.
This is perhaps true, but even then it is a distinction of degree. A man's porn habit is almost certainly far more destructive to his vision of how to rightly love and care for a woman than the romance novels are destructive to the woman. Men can lose their ability to get an erection from porn, I don't think there is an similar consequence for the woman.
Neither is innocent. The point is that in today's culture the failings if men are so very, very much worse than that of women the same age of those men. The fact is that this culture aurinaticallydesxrives men as guilty and women of the same age as innocent. Nothing could be further from the truth. Each are equally guilty of sexual sin, and each who have repented are equally forgiven in the sight of God.
@@maxheadroom74 Premarital sex has been shown to hugely boost the likelihood of divorce. In comparison, the impact of premarital porn consumption among men on divorce rates cannot even be distinguished from the noise.
Even men sleeping with 10 or more women prior to marriage doesn't have the impact on divorce rates that even one premarital sexual partner has for women.
There is just no comparison. Men and women are very different, ESPECIALLY when it comes to sex. Don't be distracted by the mythologization of equality.
How ironic that in the age of 'fighting sexism' pornography has become such an ubiquitous problem. It appears to me at least that the objectification of women has increased in direct relation to the promotion of feminism. This coming from a man who danced with that temptation for far too long. Now, thanks in part to your teaching Doug, I have come to realize what being a Christian man is really about. Trust and obey.
Love that.
Thanks! Top sound & video quality 👌
This one hit me hard 🙁🙁🙁
Interesting video.
Hahaha. Pastor Doug said let me rush to the "Happy ending".
There are some other euphemisms he unknowingly used. I'm not going to point any of them out.
@@LawlessNate good for you. That’s maturity….
@@LawlessNate that's interesting, since Christians are to have a reformed mine, I know when I walked when I was younger, I could point out what you see, now tho, I don't lol
Good points, but women sleeping around before marriage has been empirically verified to significantly raise divorce rates all on its own. These increases FAR exceed those from men having viewed porn or even having had slept with a great number of women.
A woman having just ONE sexual partner prior to marrying her husband hugely increases the likelihood she will file for divorce.
You’re one of those 5 percenters lol
@@fujikokun What's he's saying is true. There are studies to back that up. Are we to deny truth?
All sin is bad and should be avoided, but the point he seems to be making is that actually having premarital sex is a greater sin than view pornography. Both are lust, and viewing pornography is adultery of the heart, but just as actually murdering someone is worse than simply hating someone (murder of the heart), actually engaging in sinful sexual intercourse with someone else is worse than simply viewing pornography. Actually engaging in sinful sexual intercourse with someone else is, generally speaking, a greater consideration to take into account when choosing a spouse than someone merely having viewed pornography in the past.
Can you give a source?? Would love to see some empirically verified statistics on this!
A 2002 survey of divorce attorneys by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 60% reported that internet porn played a significant role in the divorce. Can’t imagine that statistic has gone down in the last twenty years!
@@LawlessNate What studies back this up??? Can you name just one study…
Why can't anyone give any sources for their "empirically verified" claims?
Pornography is like a drug a higher dose is needed to have the same effect It can be just as detrimental to a marriage that's the point.
I know. I started with 3g if porn, then I sion needed 6g...
*And now I am on 30g of porn a day!*
"If she's been for a ride, cast her aside."
Unfair? Possibly, but the rhyme is based on hard empirical evidence from studies of divorce.
Because the Holy Spirit is powerless to sanctify believers?
Please can you share some of these studies of divorce? I’ve tried and failed to find any evidence to support this!!
@@gareth2736
Do you believe Christians still sin after they're regenerated?
@@asahelnettleton9044 yes. Why?
I would apply the same for men who have struggled with porn.
I've always struggled with porn, and I am ready to assume the consequences, I know God forgives, but If sometime in the future I find a lady, and she rejects me because of my struggle with porn in the past, I will understandably be ready to accept it
What standards for females Doug?
A sane society would have banned internet porn 5 minutes after it was invented.
A sane society would've banned porn 50 years before that.
This would pretty much require that the internet be shut down forever.
@@douglasmcnay644 Agreed, it can never be stopped entirely, but it would sure help if the industry were illegal. The more countries that outlawed it, the better the law would work.
It technically is illegal. But when obscenity laws aren't enforced, it's treated as legal.
@@douglasmcnay644 people always make this claim, or something similar, but it isn’t actually true. Lots of illegal content is banned on the internet and you won’t find it anywhere. Of course there would be places or people that would try to temporarily get away with it, but they’d get shut down and the consequences would prevent them from doing it again. Would it get rid of 100% of porn, at all times? No, but it’d be difficult to access and most people wouldn’t bother trying.
Let's hear a talk about body count for women. Women in our churches today have counts of 10 or more.
If the count is greater than zero I’m not putting a ring on it
@A Allen let me qualify my statement: if the count of *voluntary premarital sex*…
Not counting widows and victims there
@@anonanon2071 Well that's most adults safe!
@@aallen5256 yes, unfortunately our society is living very far from God’s standards
@@anonanon2071 is that because the cross has no power for forgiveness and the Holy Spirit has no power to sanctify?
@@gareth2736 is that what you believe in?
I'm one week sober of p. So I should probably just give it a month or two. 😬
It is the temple of Deborah. Think of it that way.
Keep going one day at a time. Don't fail today.
Keep that in mind. Don't fail today.
God bless.
Easy Peasy method. Read up and apply
Godspeed brother
@@nicholasgee9127 I've never heard the expression "temple of Deborah". What do you mean?
What has been helping me the most is bearing in mind my trajectory over the past year. I slip up once in a while, but overall my use is becoming less and less frequent, thank the Lord. Prayer always helps, especially the prayer to St. Michael. And the final line of the Our Father. "Et ne nos inducas in tentationem, sed libera nos amalo."
Cancel porn. Not ifs, ands, or butts.
Comparing porn use and fornication are two separate issues. Doug seems to be comparing apples and oranges here in this video.
I wouldn't say it's apples and oranges. It's like comparing a pebble to a boulder; they're the same kind of sin, but one is certainly a worse sin than the other.
@@LawlessNate Which is the pebble and which is the boulder??
@@aallen5256 Murder is the boulder, hatred of someone is the pebble. Having sex outside of marriage is the boulder, viewing pornography, IE having lust in your heart, would be the pebble. Both are bad, but one is clearly worse. If you want to suggest it's the other way around then that same logic you're using would mean that someone who cheats on their spouse with another person has committed a sin that is less severe than viewing pornography.
they are very connected. Lust in the heart if not repented of will lead to acting out the sin. David's sexual sin started with lust in the heart. Sin is progressive. It grows when not dealt with and repented of.
@@LawlessNate it's not clear which is worse, depends what kind of porn I guess. Viewing porn supports an industry that preys on women that have been abused and some porn is abuse in itself as it is very degrading or violent..plus it might have a greater adverse impsct on s man's ability to have normal loving sex with his wife in the future than a premarital sexual relationship. I would agree adultery is worse but that's not what we are talking about.
Well, I don't have a problem with p***, but what do you say to a situation where you had a home met a woman fell in love. Got rid of your home fourteen years later You come to find out that she refuses to put your name on the home that you have made payments on and repairs for the past fourteen years! Wait, This seems to be a major problem for me. Not because of the home itself, but because of the lack of faith in god and in the husband that you said you prayed for and god put in your life. And to add to that, I told her gods word says a good man leaves to his children's children. She also refuses to let my daughter have any part of the home when we both pass away. It will be left solely to my stepson, which I love as my own and I am very proud of him.
So, in the story that Doug told, is he implying that the young man was chaste, perfectly chaste, from age 15 to his early twenties?
I am not mocking. I really want to know if a man can be perfectly chaste, especially in his teens and twenties ... or older.
I don't think that was the point of the discussion, but to that point I know a couple people, that while they have struggled with this sin, never actually had sex. Some of those are not Christian and therefore have stayed away from true premarital sex for other reasons, but there are those that though they struggle with porn use know they are in sin and are not willing to dig the hole deeper.
Yes it is very possible.
It is possible. I got married at 23. No porn or masturbation prior to or since. I am 29, so I was of the generation that believes this is impossible and for whom it is quite difficult. It’s probably easier if you never start, but it’s always been possible.
@@JaredDeCook Thank you for your candid response. I do not dispute what is good and perfect. But, how do you interpret Paul saying that one man has this gift, and another has that gift ... after he said, I wish all men were as I am?
Yes. I was chaste from age 15 to age 25. (I am a man.)
Amen.
I don't think I've ever met a woman who was genuinely repentant of her sexual sin. Even Christian women make excuses for their sexual pasts and try to justify it. So, comparing a young man who is repentant over his past porn use to a hypothetical repentant woman is an excersize in futility
I have. Thus, it is not an exercise in futility to use the example.
May I introduce myself?
Ok, good.
Now you have met one!
May I suggest, sir, that you take care with the very broad brushes you use.
Presumably you've gone gay if you distrust women so much?
Sur: I doubt that a woman of good sense would open her heart enough to yiu to allow you a sound judgement.
I would certainly not instruct my daughters to.
Or my sons.
Have a great day now! 😀
Remember Friends: *Unregenerate trolls* are best left unfed, except perhaps with cookies.
A better example would be the woman who has been converted out of the world with a complex sexual history. They need the assurance that they are marriageable.
Unfortunately, most of them aren't marriageable though
@@mlwilson2956 but you said you’d never met a woman who was genuinely repentant of her sexual sin and were immediately refuted by living examples, so it seems like maybe you just don’t have a lot of experience of women in general?
@@aallen5256 Remember friend,*Unregenerate trolls* are best left unfed except perhaps with cookies
95% of porn isn’t straight - this category is where lots of perverse sexuality is coming from.
What surveys have you taken to teach this suspiciously previse number?
(I suspect it was pulled from _The Nether Regions Journal_ but I am open to being instructed otherwise.)
What say you bucko?
I liked the message of the video except for comparing a woman’s premarital sex to a man’s porn use. They are not equivalent.
Women’s premarital sex has a tremendous effect on divorce rates. Porn does not have as much.
When a woman has sex before marriage, she brings dishonor to the man she later marries, either visible only to the men she has been with or open and public dishonor. Porn use does not do the same for a man’s wife.
When a man who is not so deep into this sin quits porn for good, the negative consequences for his sexuality can all go away and this is not likely to affect the marriage as much, nor is he bringing less to the table as a suitor. On the other hand, it does not matter as much how long ago it was, a woman will not go back to being a virgin. As to what generally matters more to each sex, her premarital sex will negatively affect her “sexual market value” more than his porn use.
I disagree with this, knowing so many men who have struggled with porn watching. Their thought lives are almost permanently altered because of it, and it causes them great distress. I pray for them that someday God will renew them so they can be free of it. There are consequences to sin, and downplaying male sexual sin is a grave disservice to men.
Exactly. Comparing porn use to actual sexual activity in this context is absurd.
@@mlwilson2956 you can find it absurd all you like, women view porn as infidelity. And in terms of sexual sin, it’s all in the same rotten bucket as far as God is concerned. Or do you ignore Jesus saying that if you look at a woman lustfully you’ve already been unfaithful?
I think viewing pornography is, or at least can often be, much more damaging than you're making it out to be. That being said, I'd completely agree that in most cases viewing pornography is not a bad a sin as actually committing sinful sexual actions with someone else.
@@fujikokun I did not downplay men’s sexual sin. Porn is awful. It can be addicting and have severe consequences. My initial comment was not geared towards mentioning the dangers of porn use in men, but towards showing how it is not equivalent to premarital sex for women.
The comment about porn in my second paragraph is a matter of statistics, the one in the third is a matter of fact and the one in the fourth, which I made a qualification to, is backed by some scientific studies.
Pornography use is pretty much the same as sex outside of marriage especially since it usually comes with masturbation, also jesus backs this up, "But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart". Matthew 5:28
Pornography is like a drug a higher dose is needed to have the same effect It can be just as detrimental to a marriage that's the point.
Use of pornography and sinful sexual conduct with other are both sins of lust, but they are not equal in how bad they are. Just as hating someone is sinful in the same way murdering them is but isn't as bad as actually murdering someone, lusting after someone is sinful but not as bad as actually committing sinful sexual acts with others.
The verses you're quoting were to combat the prevalent notion that we will only be judged by our actions and not by what's in our heart. Those verses point out that we will also be judged by what's in our hearts.
✝️✝️✝️
Using p0rn isn’t the same as having sex. It’s not the same.
Wrong
They are both sex outside of marriage. But porn includes voyeurism and serial adultery which sex with your girlfriend does not and is thus worse
Masturbation is literally homosexual fornication. You can close your eyes and pretend it's a woman's hand, but you know it's not.
People say "using porn" as if it's a choice. Maybe it began that way, but most can't stop.
@@geneticsmatter3834 Nonsense. Of course it's a choice.
You are what you think. Images and thoughts could plague you for a lifetime. Porn is so dangerous because it's not about more... it's about different. And, it's progressive. This is not good advice. A woman's point of view is much different than his point of view on the porn issue. The consequences are much greater for her
Doug is a good man.
Why is this not good advice? Can Christ not redeem sinners?
What if a man was rape by older woman, has the man sin by God.
No he was raped
@@moments8562 what does God think about about men had been rape and are they less of man in his eyes?
"But if in the field the man finds the girl who is engaged, and the man forces her and lies with her, then only the man who lies with her shall die. “But you shall do nothing to the girl; there is no sin in the girl worthy of death, for just as a man rises against his neighbor and murders him, so is this case. “When he found her in the field, the engaged girl cried out, but there was no one to save her." Deuteronomy 22:25-27
@@en4017 thanks
No its not the man’s fault for being sexually abused by an older woman. No they are not less of a man for being the victim of a horrific crime.
3:25 An unfortunate boomer choice of words in a video about porn use 😆 That's ok Doug, we still love you.
Masturbation is not wrong! Having sex is NOT wrong.
Looking with lust is sinful. Sex outside of marriage is sinful.
@@LawlessNate maybe some old book might say so but nowadays we have for example condoms so we don't have to protect people who might come pregnant.
@@tonikallioinen6969 The Bible teaches a form of ethics some people call "virtue ethics". The notion of virtue ethics is that from virtuous character comes good actions. Under a legalistic form of ethics, something like lying might always be considered immoral in every situation. Under virtue ethics, there are examples of where something like lying might actually be the moral thing to do, like those in Germany during WW2 who lied to the Nazis to defend Jews. The point I'm trying to make is that it's not just the actions you preform that are moral or immoral, it's also your intentions IE what's in your heart.
The Bible teaches that it's wrong the murder someone; no surprise. However it goes one step further by suggesting that if you merely hate someone, even without doing anything to act upon it, then you're guilty of having committed murder in your heart. Merely coveting after someone else's belongings would be committing thievery in your heart. The Bible, like hatred and murder, directly states that simply looking at someone else with lust is committing adultery in your heart. It's immoral simply to lust after someone else; you entertaining lust in your heart is itself sinful and immoral. Viewing pornography is therefore sinful. The purpose of pornography is to entertain lust which is itself sinful.
The Bible also teaches that sex is only to exist within marriage. Within marriage sex is a wonderful thing, but outside of marriage sex is a sin for the same reason pornography is. The reason people have sex with those whom with their not married is to satisfy the lust in their heart. Sex outside of marriage isn't sinful because the woman might become pregnant; sex outside of marriage is sinful because it's done simply to entertain the lust of the flesh.
@@LawlessNate But all sex that isn’t procreational inside a marriage is done to entertain the lusts of the flesh?
Also, I’m genuinely on the edge of my seat for the names of the studies you’ve been mentioning all over these comments!
@@LawlessNate you may believe those things and if only thing that stops you murdering people is the bible than it's a good thing you believe that. The problem comes when you are telling to anyone that that's person lifestyle is wrong even if it doesn't hurt anyone and sex outside of marriage doesn't hurt anyone if you are open what your goals are. Do you really think that people who wrote the Bible had any original idea of anything. If you know the history of anything you would know that those ideas are way older than any book of bible.
I recommend to you to study science and history behind the Bible. The only reason why there are for example "rule" that you can't have sex outside of marriage is because in those days you had to protect people who can get pregnant. There are not such a thing as universal morale or ethics. Every society have own rules ethics and moral code. For example probably everyone accept taking other people lives in some cases. Personally I accept if that creates better life for everyone and creates socialism which leads to communism. Someone accept murder if other people tries to take something that you own personality that disgust me.
Pancakes with bacon syrup and Doug.