The Psychology Behind Dumpers Remorse
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
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The Psychology Behind Dumpers Remorse
Today were going to be talking about the psychology behind dumpers remorse and why I think it is one of the most important things that you need to create if you want your ex back. Without a doubt one of the biggest questions I get asked is how do I create dumpers remorse, but first we must understand what dumpers remorse is.
Simply put, dumpers remorse is a situation where you ex breaks up with you and then a few months afterwards regret their decision. So, dumpers remorse and regret go hand in hand.
Regret
The first thing we need to talk about is regret, and why people feel regret. What’s interesting is when scientists were looking into people’s regrets, two things kept coming up at the top of everyone’s list;
Education
Romance
So, what can this teach us about regret?
One thing that scientists noticed was that regret seemed to persist in situations where there was a chance of positive action occurring. In other words, something good could happen if they went back and revisited or tried to reclaim that regret.
This makes sense to education because later in life we can all go back to school and get an education and it can also make sense in the opportunities of lost loves. We can think back to a particular relationship and regret not see the value in it at the time and tend to want to revisit it and potentially make something work.
How long it takes people to start having regrets
This is one of the most difficult questions to answer as there is two factors that come into this
The first is does your ex feel any remorse for ending the relationship
The second was if you had the type of relationship that was worth remembering
Creating a timeline for regret is impossible as every situation is unique to itself. If there is one rule of thumb that I want to leave you with is that a missed opportunity is going to create regret. Make your relationship feel like a missed opportunity.
There are different types of decision processes that happen to make us regret something and I would like to break them down to help you understand the psychology behind regret.
Psych Process #1 - Timing
How long has it been since the break up?
How long did your relationship last?
How long has it been since the two of you last talked?
One thing that we do know with creating remorse enough time has to have passed to make them feel that they missed an opportunity. What if I was to tell you that on average that our success stories are taking around three to six months to get their ex back and that is from the moment that they implement the no contact rule.
Psych Process #2 - Context
This goes back to where I was talking about the depth of the relationship, there is a difference between someone who was with their ex for one year compared to someone who was with their ex for a month. It can also go into things like;
Was there cheating involved?
Was it a long-distance relationship?
All these things matter to determine if there is a dumpers remorse in play. This is why context of the relationship is so important, how much experiences that your ex had with you and how they felt during the relationship. A lot of clients take their own experience from the relationship and don’t consider their exes. If you have had times with your ex where they said that they have never felt like that before then that is good, but we need to remember that it’s not the words that they say but it is the actions that they take.
Psych Process #3 - Opportunity Cost
This comes down to your ex thinking if they take that time spent with you and offer it to someone else is that experience going to be better. Oftentimes we find that the person who has this has already taken the action of breaking up with you and moving on to someone new. We also call this the grass is greener syndrome they think that the grass is greener with someone else and after some time goes by the realise that they had it better before.
Psych Process #4 - Self Interest
We have all heard the expression when emotions runs high logic runs low, but believe it or not we do try to make decisions logically. But as we make those decisions we use emotions for that main reason for that decision.
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He has 2 weeks to come back. It’s already been 9 days. Why tf am I gonna wait around months for someone who broke up with me and the problems were his fault? He fell out of love with me so when he started disrespecting me , he did it was ease & causing me to stand up for myself which meant fighting. I was so good to him the entire relationship. I would take accountability if I did something wrong but I didn’t. So 5 more days and I’m moving on without look back. I believe if they can leave you for MONTHS it will never be the same connection bc they don’t rebounded so many times which to me I’ll never take you back if you f*cked someone else regardless if we were together or not
I totally relate to your story , we dated fo 6 month, took us 4 month to reveal our feeling and say the I love you , 2 month later he said i suddenly fell out of love ? Like what are you a normal human being ? I just pulled myself away its been 7 days its super hard for me because I thought we had a deep connection I thought that I touched his soul , bu it was just my illusions ,I am hurt I am sad and I am missing him so bad but I know that dignity is above all so yeah ...and yes I have been super extra nice with him I really did everything to make him happy and it is hard for me really ... i wish u happiness u and everyone reading this and please prat for me because my heart is bleeding .
I believe if he back one day just play with his emotions…. They don’t wanna honest person so …. Give them what they want
True it's hard to take back and rekindle the love you have with the person who disrespects you. Cheating and lying multiple times are hard to forget. Just give them what they want and Move on.
You are right.. don't wait....
Proud of you for moving on 💕
I have empathy for people with trauma, but if they aren't, as grown ups, working towards dealing with them through therapy and actively looking to change their life towards building real intimacy, then perhaps we need to reassess our priorities and find people who have more courage to go after what they want rather than wallow in their victimhood. This tendency of theirs will be awful for the relationship when it comes to resolving any conflict like mature individuals. If you're a secure individual, you're better off dating other secure people, and second to that would be anxious types. Avoidance have far more inner work to do that no one else can do for them.
Again spot on!!! I need the background tracks man. Great video
I love the way you break things down.
This is probably the best video youv had in a long time. Straight to the point and informational. knowledge is power guys. I don’t want my ex back but I like learning so I can better my self
Thanks Dina
Same I want him to beg and feel what I am feeling
That's real talk Chris. The amount of time apart so they fell like they've missed out is HUGE.
Thanks
I am 37 years old. I had near 10 relationships. In this age I learnt one thing. When women decide to break up. They rarely come back. They show lots of signs before break up. In my last break up now I realize she started to grieve 4 months ago. So she broke up with me and now relief. I think she won't feel remorse again because she already passed that period. İf i am wrong correct me
You are so righr
Word... much truth in what you said
Go no contact to see for sure
Men should not do no contact if they want a woman back women wait for men to come back
When you say they rarely come back, you are saiyng that they dont try nothing, even a contact after 6 or 7 months? I have seen a lot of coaches saiyng that women in general regret after a period of time that is 6 or 7 months, wich is the time the dumper woman start to feel the grief. A had a 12 year relationship, and i am destroyed. I didnt saw her movement of going away before the break up. I was making plans to marry and live a life toghetger. Now it all came apart and i feel as if a couldnt overcome this by miself.
Great quiz idea!
Thanks
Two months of chatting/messaging. Then finally met and the relationship went slow to off like a rocket.
She ended it at the six month mark. No particular reason.
It’s been 2 months since the breakup. Little over 30 day’s of no contact.
Hi Chris, at which point would you expect dumpers remorse. I have gone through and extended NC due to deciding I am better off just making myself better. I would still take him back but only when he realises if he ever did that it was a mistake or we will just go round in circles.
We rarely argued in the 9-10 months that we was together, all was good we both seemed happy, had the comments from friends and family how much better they seemed and then was gone
I need a video for if I’ve done all the things I shouldn’t have done and now truly trying NC
My girlfriend of 4 years left me 5 weeks and hasn't looked back since. 7 days no contact as I moved her things for her out of the house and I am a mess while she seems perfectly fine. The first 3 weeks I thought I was dying. Ive lost 10kg(20lbs) and had to take time off of work.
I dont know what I did wrong as I treated her very well, but i wish I could change whatever I did wrong.
Hey Eric, sometimes its not always about what you did wrong, maybe the relationship had broken down. Start following the program and working on yourself so that your ex can see you are doing great without her
Maybe you deserve someone better. There are kind loyal people out there who would treat you good. I'm so glad I didn't get back to my ex. who broke up with me but had remorse.
I'm in the same boat man. Four years here too.
She’s just not that into you
What happened? My guess is she was not the right girl for you.
I don't think he will ever come back. It's been over a year. But now am cool wit that reality. It used to kill me but I found a way to overcome it. The problem now is that he refuses to give me my property. He doesn't say no but doesn't give them to me either.. Bt I cn see that he regrets his decision bt now he has committed himself to his new girlfriend. Bt life goes on
We both 56. What if we live together in home we bought for 7 years? All good, then last month or so red flags. She finally admitted feelings for other guy. Her fakebook first high school boyfriend. Said they Bern conversing 3 months. Now they even bought a house together. And she not even moved out yet. This really hurts!
What if I was replaced after a month? Would she still feel regret, she looks so happy with him
My ex is a pogo sticker...said he didnt feel the same anymore and couldnt see himself with me and 7 days later was in a new relationship...2 months later they've moved in together and he keeps calling...he apologized but wants us to be friends....he blows up my phone 24/7 at work but on the weekends and after work he is radio silent for obvious reasons....I still love him and blocked him on everything and sent a message that I cnt be friends and why...he tried calling 3 times after that but eventually stopped.
Many should not be in relationships till they grow up from being babies.
He feels Guilt and probably try’s to keep you as his Backup.
Karma is a bitch and regret hits hard
I was the dumper because he treated me badly. I dont want him back, he lives next door to me . I own my own home , so does he, it makes it difficult. Makes it soo hard to get on with life.
he's mad i unfriended him in social media 2 months after he broke up with me, and blames me about the breakup whenever he had a chance. messages me 2x a week. I'm getting tired already he's so prideful. he want me around but I want a relationship with him and he insists friendship. we've been together for almost 6 years :(
we're each other's first serious relationships. he's my first boyfriend and firsts in everything :(
i recommend no contact and just focused in you 💗💗 and heal but dont go on dates o sleep with people that is not the answer
Do the phases start over if your break no contact
My ex gf already plan her break up with me 4months back before she initiate the break up for the last time , she should be moved on by then
10 year relationship. my girl got depressed and isolated.
she called in and moved 1000 miles away.
for 6 months we went back and forth visiting, talking about getting back together.
then she met another guy and that all stopped. turns out he is married and now supposedly divorcing his wife for her.
we continued talking and even visiting here and there. sex was even involved with some of the meet ups and video calls.
i feel if I had lived near where she was this new guy would not have taken my place.
we are talking less and less. just learned about the no contact rule and wish I had implemented this months ago. shes been dealing with the married scum bag for 6 months now. we have been separated for a year.
she was the best 10 years of my life.
I've been working hard on myself. lost 40 lbs. putting on muscle, my business is growing but I am still sad daily.
i am considering selling the business and moving to the state she is for a new business opportunity to grow my life in a new path. it doesn't hurt thinking I would be closer but it's not the main reason. the main reason is I need to find a new meaning for my own life.
what are the odds if I finally implement the no contact and move, and better my life even more that our paths might cross one day?
any at all?
i still feel this guy took my place because she was lonely and he spoiled her because she became a mistress without even knowing at first. then when she found out he already had his hooks in her so she stayed. not like her at all.
It is emotionally very safe to fall for someone who isn't available. Like someone who is married.
People do not go for married men if the got their shit together. Then they are NOT securely attached. Just too bad it took you 10 years to figure that out.
Go be with someone who is your equal, who gives you less stress.
We were in a relationship for more than 3 years he is a player it has been 3 months since breakup 1 month of no contact will he return back ?
Jan 10th dont want to be in a relationship with someone who takes me for granted and doesn't appreciate me.
Totally agree!
My ex broke up with me back in 2014 and dated someone else from 2016 to 2019 now she wants me back but tbh I’m used to being alone and just having lots of sex I don’t see myself taking her back
damm she is bored
Don't take her back it will not be good for you
Are these comments from young people? Lot if growing up to do!
we are not on the same wavelength
is it safe to assume that if the context is more hurtful than helpful than its better that the relationship is over? after 4 years together, 1 married, we had so many good memories, we love each other so much, but he thinks i am making him unhappy and we also went through a lot of rough times, many of which were never resolved, rather silenced.
I want to believe that if he loves me and wants me, he will come back. And if he doesnt, then it is better that its over. Help?
Hi there, so if you want to give your relationship a go then I would suggest following the process. If your ex thinks he was making you unhappy were you showing signs of this? Or was it an insecurity of your ex? I would look for either a local couples therapist or look online for one to learn how to communicate healthily in a relationship so if you are struggling with past issues this will help you talk through them
3 to 6 months
@chris seiter I wish I could talk to you but I can’t afford to do your program . I need answers help and someone to talk to . This hurts so bad
Do you speak German? Your Last Name sounds German to me.
Tracey Albrecht I can recommend you to someone powerful who was able to bring back my ex wife and it works very fast and I believe he can solve your relationship problems
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From Rhode Island USA okay
If my gf is already rebound will this remorse effect her
I dumped my ex out of anger and self respect. He acted as if he did not value me or my needs. I felt regret immediately and he’s icing me out. I reached out several times and he’s stonewalling me and giving me the silent treatment. I want to work on my relationship and get him back but he’s taking zero responsibility for our breakup.
Did you get him back?
AYA hi we are communicating traveling together making future plans but not back together officially. He says it’s consequences to my actions for breaking up with him 😂.
@@shebutter3195how about now
Would a guy you've been with for a month have remorse? We had fun together. He is dating another woman. I've talked to her and shes very stuck on herself. She told me she isnt ugly and what guy wouldn't want to sleep with her. Floored me.
Well she has confidence in herself! However, he can feel remorse as long as you had some good times together in that month. But like I said in the video the amount of context that you had during your relationship is what is going to make him regret losing you. You need to not speak to the other woman again though, you are just damaging your chances. Go into a No Contact spend some time working on yourself
@@chrisseitercoaching yes she does. I havent talked to her since. I just recently started watching your videos and its been a week that I've gone into no contact. He has me blocked everywhere. Facebook and phone. I hope he'll see the grass isnt greener on the other side and come back. I have been working on myself. Joined a gym and started working out and losing weight.
TF ?? 😂
He said he loved and missed me and wanted to talk 3 days ago and now he is in a relationship as of one day😂 and called me dumb for thinking he still wanted to talk one day later cause I didn’t answer him till now and he was like well I wasn’t in a relationship when I said that “3 days ago”
Help! My boyfriend and I dated for two years and he moved me down to Florida then broke up with me after 3 months. I had to make new friends and figure things out on my own down here. I did no contact and he can’t back after 9 months. It’s been another year and he broke up with me last night in front of my dad and friends and told me he doesn’t like that we have to drink to have fun and he doesn’t want to date me if I drink because he doesn’t. He got off the boat and left on his own in an Uber. I still love him but I haven’t messaged him since the break up, will no contact work again?
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Chris,
I was needy and got back with my ex after he was unfaithful. I was untrusting of him and felt uneasy when he was distant. Which pushed him away even further. Basically...Roles switched and he broke up with me. I didn’t handle it well but trust in no contact. I have been working on me and doing well. My birthday is coming up and I know he will reach out. Should I ignore? It hasn’t even been a few weeks. I am leaning towards ignoring the text or reaching out. What do you think?
Hi Tiff, I would ignore his birthday message if you are trying to get him back and want to follow a No contact. If you want to get your ex back you should do a No contact of 30 days minimum where you can work on your self esteem and get over the break up and the cheating.
This is exactly what just happened to me
It been 4 months and not evn a grain sign of remorse my bf feels evn after 2months of no contact he is still the same and doesn't give a shit abt me
You dumped him ?
@@animafunz well he dumped me !
@@animafunz I did the begging part no contact part nothing seemed to work
Hey Sweshika, have you done anything to improve your situation so that your ex can feel he has lost out on some great opportunities with you?
@@chrisseitercoaching I've contacted him twice or thrice but not evn once he responded ....he blocked me on evrything ...and wen I try to contact him though any source he blocks me too
my bf bf dump me for 6 yrs.. i feel terrible right now... we know that his mom doesnt like me since we started the relationship, he just send me a msg i blocked you on facebook and deleted all our photos, he didnt tell me wht the reason is, and he told our friends that his mom doesnt like me, and now i heard he start meeting another girl.. is he already planned this break up? so that he can go date with other girls? and a scape goat about his mom doesnt like me? i dont know what im thinking right now, i still confuse 😩 thank you.
Hey Leray, it is hard to hear when an ex moves on quickly but it will be a rebound. As for his mother not liking you this is going to be the main reason he ended things if she has a big part to play in his life.
It's kinda sad after one month and 2 weeks he have new gf it seems like he moved on? Do he really moved on? He said before I care about you and I just wanted to be friends with you but I said I can't be friends with you that's not the best idea
After a month being broken up it is a rebound. Try not to be upset as this is just your ex trying to work through their emotions and avoiding dealing with the break up. If you want to get your ex back then look up the being there method before you break your 45 day NC
@@chrisseitercoaching we get back together coz from that time he broke up I distance myself and pull away and when I heard his dating with somebody new I didn't confront him or say anything. The funny part is all his new relationship end up saying he still loves me☺️ then he start to miss me and contacted me saying he miss all the good memories with me I am so happy and overwhelmed
@@chrisseitercoaching your videos inspired me and help me to get my ex back I get some of this Technic and strategies though at the back of my head if he comeback that's good if not my life goes on and he does comeback!
Mine is in relationship in a week
@@venus_2023 so lucky you're..hope mine also will come back to me😞
Sometimes relationship is too toxic,why would dumper regret anything
Chris is it wrong of me to want a birthday text from my ex next week?
Well, I think it's not a good decision to send a text. I've researched that too, and generally good coaches say that on special days we have more leverage. If you two had the previous birthday together, probably they're going to feel the lack of your absence more on that day. But that's just what I read and agree with. It's your decision after all. Take care and I hope that it works for you.
When I found out she had someone else she said she has not been with me for over two years, she just hung out with me because of our kids. April 21st 2020, horrible day.
Ne ver you give up on the perso n you really love, either strive for it and make a good impa ct
There's no true love without happiness😊 .... I want to introduce you to relationship expert who help fix relationship issue without delay😚
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He'll go nna h elp you out
Hi s work s are not del ay and al so the y are effecti ve
You don't want your ex back. They rejected you, disrespected you, used you, cheated on you.....and you want THIS back? What is wrong with you. Muster up some self respect, and learn how to move on.
When you said the success stories take 3-6 moths typically does that mean 3-6 months of being in no contact?
@@nicholassouliotis6621 I thought he said you have to break no contact after 45 days so is it several months of speaking to them to win them back after no contact
@@nicholassouliotis6621 Thank you! Yes I was the one who was broken up with and he is currently with a rebound so I know I have to let that situation play out while working on myself. That may prolong him reaching out. What about what Chris says that you can't let it pass the 66 day mark with no contact cause thats when habits are formed?
@@nicholassouliotis6621 Thank you! Good luck to you as well. I do believe in my heart and mind he is truly worth it. I am trying to focus on myself and the work I need to do. I really have no desire to be with anyone else right now or in the next few months. Of course I feel lonely and I just found out a few weeks after we had our final break up conversation that they started officially dating. However, I'm pretty sure its a rebound and I know it'll run its course eventually. I just have to let that relationship play out and work on myself in the meantime. i don't know if he'd reach out to me because he wanted to be friends and I said Im sorry I cant. So I think the balls in my court to reach out again when Im ready to talk to him
Lex F no, it means average of 30 days no contact, the rest of the time you are working through the program, texting phase phone calls and starting to meet up
Lex F bro your ex needs to make an effort in contacting you if not you allow them to have control and you are vulnerable to fall back where you first started. You must be desired not us controlling or trying to manipulate. It will never last
Me my bf 1 year and 5months , he mad at me and im 10days of no contact to him since I never heard him again and our status in facebook and nickname in messenger was not change our stuffs are both our side but im confusing can I have a chance to win him back at this situation ?
Hey Rosecel, yes if you start following the process starting with a No Contact you give yourself your best chance at getting your ex back
@@chrisseitercoaching he need space but if I break no contact so I start day 1 ?
@@chrisseitercoaching if i break no contact can i start the day1 ?
My ex always said
You deserve better,
Then ghost me .
When I got back with him the second time he said I was his Kryptonite. Whats that mean?
Hey there, I suppose by that he means you are his weakness.
Sounds like he really loves you. If you got back with him then you love him. Sounds like you should hang onto superman💪
That's literally my situation.
My husband of 13 years said i deserve better when he gave me the divorce papers💔
It means he's cheating but enjoy certain parts of you
The guy left me for someone 😢😢 he dumped me 😢
My ex girlfriend fits this description perfectly when she told me that she fell out of love with me.
Man I swear there is no such thing as falling out of love.
@@jahleelx9270 I would like to hear your response about that 👍🏾😇💯
@@herc213 in other words if you were generally a good person that just made a mistake and that person left you then it means they never loved you. However if you cheated or were in any way abusive and that person left then all it means is they respected themselves.
@@herc213 but women will say things like you didn't give me enough attention and blame the entire failure of the relationship on you so that you feel guilty and they resolve themselves of their internal guilt because they know they dumped a good guy but have to have an excuse to test what's out there.
@@jahleelx9270 That's a fair point and i wasn't sure why she broke up with me since it was a blindsided breakup and i didn't see it coming. We were good before the breakup and i did my best on my part to treat her right & still lay down my boundaries & i let her do the same in her own way. Even now, she considers me her friend still & she invited me to her birthday party recently & went to the beach as well. I appreciate your perspective about your topic & many blessings to you.
I’m lost
I can't find the sign up button on the exboyfriend recovery website. I only see "Sign in" button
Hi Feng, this is the list of products that we have is this what you are looking for?
My partner of 12 years broke up with me because his mum said she don’t accept. She don’t like me. What do I do.
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Wh atsA pp him
He'll go nna h elp you out
What are signs that someone is toxic
Hey Tmacc, so someone who is refusing to accept that they are at fault at times, someone who gaslights you, belittles you, always argues with you and then blames you for causing the arguement
@@chrisseitercoaching all women gaslight though...
@@berzerkfury1459 What kind of thoughts are those... Not all women do that. It doesnt exist that ALL men OR ALL women do certain things.
What to do when the dumpers come back
Dump him
Will this apply with ex having or attracted to someone else?
Yes, re watch the grass is greener / opportunity cost part of this video
@@chrisseitercoaching thank you sir. because honestly, my confidence drop and fear consumes me that makes me cannot function. even posting my activities in facebook. im afraid. thank you again.
I dump 3 ex boyfriends. One was 4 years relationship , 2nd was 1 year relationship and the 3rd was 2 years relationship. The first one was very toxic, manipulative and controlling and the other two became too complacent and didn't make much effort and I fell out of love. I didn't have dumper's for any of them. I gave them all many chances and by the time I walked away I felt nothing but relief. 😊
Nice. Did any of those guys try to work it out or did they just disappear
@@torontoontario8387 they all tried really hard to get back together. 1st one called me 5 years after the breakup to tell me that he was getting engaged but he won't go through with it if I go back to him. I told him I'm never going back and now he's married with a daughter. 2nd didn't try really hard. 3rd I had to blocked him from everywhere last year because he wouldn't give up, we broke up in 2016.
Distracting background music
this is manipulation
I can not follow you, you talk like a machine robot, just blah blah blah blah, non stop, its to aggressive.