After my abusive divorce from a narcissistic husband and going no contact with my narc mother, I felt so free and peaceful. I liked being alone because frankly my whole existence was being alone. You accept being alone because marriage and childhood was so lonely and abusive.
Yes me too. Years of not understanding how trauma affected me. I have all these symptoms. What a relief to be validated and seen. Now let the healing begin
I was taken away from my parents age 6, because I had asthma and was missing school. I was sent to a boarding school.. I saw my parents for 2 hours on the first Saturday of every month. My mum felt sorry for the kids that didn't get visitors and spent all her time with them. I feel guilty because I was jealous. I went back home at ages 9 to a family that i just didn't know.. I never seemed to fit back in.. They were a family Been lost all my life.. Im married, 64, and live in my bedroom.. I feel safe on my own.. I dont really have anything to say to anyone. Looking forward to being with Jesus.. Hes my blessed hope...
1. Feeling shame because your emotional needs are real and they deserve to be met 2. Seeing empathy as some sort of unnecessary indulgence in life, such that others take you to be unsympathetic and uncaring 3. Doing everything alone but secretly wanting a helper, even feeling uncomfortable when receiving help 4. Frequent dissociation or checking out mentally via distractions like tv, reading books, or anything that lets you avoid your feelings for prolonged periods 5. Protecting your solitude as though your (emotional) safety lies in being alone 6. Habitually self-soothing, almost never co-regulating with another person...? 7. Longing to feel special but avoiding activities that would make you feel so 8. Treating intimacy like a performance, including when discussing your vulnerabilities 9. Being resistant to change or avoidant 10. Feeling deep inside that the problem lies with you, as if the shortcomings of your parents did not exist apart from you and probably predate your birth
Really, the problem does lie within you. The real test is when the same scenario is repeated throughout your life. Making real friends is hard for everyone and sometimes you have to just enjoy a strangers company. I don't mean sleep with them just chat people up. Taking a class at the local community center is a perfect place to do so.
I was really surprised that a lack of empathy was a symptom. I am exactly the opposite. Because I endured so much pain (physically and emotionally) growing up I want to do anything I can to make others feel they are important,worthy and lovable. I just can’t feel that way myself. I have always felt like I was some big fat joke and everyone knew the punchline but me.
@@TheEdiya I do not know. I did struggle in trying to succinctly summarize her points, and I found simply rendering the information intelligible to myself was enough trouble as it required a more dilated than laconic style... I had true difficulty following her...and that was actually why I endeavored to make these bullet points in case others like myself found themselves struggling to understand. I did what I could manage in the time that I had. You might want to listen to the video and come up with enhancements to my bullet points for the sake of the next person.
I don’t know if this is true for anyone else, but that point about wanting to feel special: when I was a kid, I wished and prayed that something would happen to me - a broken bone, a terrible illness - so that my parents might see me, might recognize my needs, might pay attention. I think that’s how wanting to feel special manifested in my youth.
As I was listening to this I became wide eyed and in disbelief. I am a 63 y/o "Lone Wolf" and this list described me perfectly. All the pieces have fallen into place regarding the reasons why I am how I am. I just had my second open heart surgery 8 months ago to receive a mechanical mitral valve. The first one was a repair 18 yrs ago.I was completely on my own both times but thank God for Wal-Mart grocery delivery! Thank you for this morning's revelation!!
God speed and i hope you are doing better. Alone time is sometimes necessary to cope with neglect. You seem to know what to do to help yourself. I've reached out to get support from others and most friends don't know how to help me. They try to be there and i appreciate it. The only way i can finally be free of some of my sadness is through prayer and going to a counselor. I've been avoiding it because i don't want to feel the pain again of my past and afraid of changing. Isn't this strange? You are a survivor and are never alone. My faith in God literally has saved me on many occasions. May you continue to stay well and be at peace. 🙏 🙇♀️✝️💞
The longer I live, all the more I understand what kind of evil I went through as a child. I look at my own children and I would rather die than hurt them in the ways I was hurt. I can't help but think its demonic and evil.
You're right, it is demonic. There may be powerful spiritual strongholds in our lives that we need persistent prayer over to cast out and prevent the harm from being passed down. God bless and protect us 🩷🙏🏼
I hear you. I grew up abused in every way you can think of. But my son is spoiled, loved and respected. He has a stable home, all his needs met. Only downfall is dad works too hard to make those things happen for him. Mom is stay at home and takes good care of him.
It is a terrible sin t hurt children in anger/spite. An adult has no right t abuse a defenseless child. Blv me I know how damaging it is t a kid on b abused by a violent parent. Screw them. Get away from them.
Having a narcissistic parent, I study narcissism. They say there is a demonic root to it 😢 At least I am learning thru people like Dr. Kim about what happened to me way back when. It is very helpful. Thanks Dr! 😊
There was never any physical touch in our household. Never, ever were we hugged, kissed, or softly touched. That fact alone set me up for some bad relationships and a lot of social anxiety. I could cry for that little girl who was not deeply loved by anyone. I am now 73, and yes, intimate conversations often feel fake, like a performance, partly because of a level of mistrust I have that people genuinely care, and partly because most people are terrible listeners and questioners. They just go on and on about themselves. Pretty soon I make up an excuse to leave.
I thought that lack of human touch when U wr a kid was qte normal ....you didn't mk it clear if it was bcs smone else that yr family preferred over U.... I had that....emphasise "had"... I'll think of smthing t write just for U.....pls keep reading tonight.
I was hugged and cuddled. Not a ton and extremely unpredictably. My mom had never ending absolutely WILD mood swings Not from day to day but hour to hour. Just seething contempt and explosive primal screaming. At everyone. Me. My father, our maids (she didn't ever clean but she would go into WILD screaming and harranguing these poor maids. We only had maids and a cook because my dad was a very senior diplomat. I say that because my God my mom had less objective life stressor than almost anyone. She didn't cook. She didn't clean. She didn't work - EVER. Her only freaking job was to not be a monster around us 2 good kids and to not be a monster to my dad.. So this personality type is LITERALLY unsatisfiable no matter how ridiculously pampered they are
You are describing me to a tee. Presently, I am completely shutdown, turned off to all relationships. I quit people, live in isolation. I do not know what to do to stop this.
Same here. Feels like I'm in a freeze all the time. Years by now and I truly don't know how to get out of it. Tried therapy. Didn't work. It feels so safe and comfortable to stay in this mode. Why would I want to change that? It also feels unhealthy.
My mother told me my dad was dead in a car crash..he was late home 🙄 I was 3.. she use to pretend to be dead when he came home from work because she was jealous that he went up to see me first..she had a heart condition and used that to manipulate her own way.. he then told me he thought we where going to loose her early on so I'd better be a good girl and help..I was 7 and that was the first time I felt the fear in the stomach which is now anxiety. My dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive with me probably because he was being manipulated by her..I am remembering so many abusive events from my childhood at nearly 60 and am trying to heal myself..To the outside world we where the perfect family
I am so sorry because that’s not just emotional neglect,that’s psychological abuse. I understand. We are no longer alone because there are many of us who didn’t know what was wrong with us.
You poor thing.. 😢 standing outside crying thinking your parents won’t come home. I can only imagine the kind of trauma that created for you. You still sound so sweet and I love your voice. It’s so gentle ❤
I like to be self sufficient and independent as i am only comfortable when alone , i find others exhausting . I also learned to be unemotional and neutral because as a child every emotion was ridiculed . I learned that no response to anything was safe .
Same. Hugs. After a breakup I kept looking up "get your ex back" stuff back and finally delved into attachment styles and I suddenly felt an absolute explosion of insight into myself literally shaking. I'm learning to feel my emotions more honestly. And I'm in a lot of pain but honestly I have never in my life felt like I've made more meaningful progress on ME emotionally as in the last 2 months.
I felt that my mother and father had me and then said, “ ok then raise yourself”. I was messed up for many years in adulthood but, I’m finally in a place where I feel stable. People have also noticed and commented that I am a very balanced person. Most of the time I am, but I still have my moments. Anyway, reading my Bible, praying, meditating and spending time alone with God has changed me. I know now that I am never alone and that I don’t need any person to justify who I am because I know who I am. I helped myself in this way and now I’m in a position to help other people which I enjoy doing. Please try to let go of the anger and resentment of the past. Look to now and to the future. You can’t change the past but, you can make your present and future a wonderful journey. I did and so can you. God does not favour anyone over another person. Only humans do that not God. What he did for me he will do for you too all you have to do is ask sincerely with all your heart and forgive and let go of the past. Let it go just give it to God. What do you have to lose except anger, hurt and resentment. Trade it it for love, joy and peace. I wish you all the very best.
Amen, God is so good! Reading my bible, and prayer has really helped me over the years. I'm 40 and I am finally healing and finding peace ❤ My dad was wonderful, God rest his soul....but my mother....was totally emotionally never available.. I feel like I was her oops baby...never wanted. I had to finally go no contact a few years ago. I couldn't take the toxic narcissism a second longer. I worked so hard to break those generational curses! ❤Hugs! I totally understand!
I love this, you know what I learned? Having a childhood like this isn’t always easy but it provides the opportunity to get to know your REAL Father! ❤
God isn't the solution for everyone, and I personally think it's dangerous to lead people to "God" as a solution for their trauma, because "God" does not just have one interpretation or form. Far from it. There are endless interpretations. Which one depends entirely on who you're talking to, and not everyone is talking about the same God but they tend to speak as if they are. Furthermore plenty of people use religion to rope people into further trauma and chaos, intentionally or not. I won't tell y'all your experiences with God are invalid for *you*, but please stop trying to apply and pass that on to other people. There are millions upon millions who have already been traumatized by religion and/or are at risk for further trauma, and you aren't being as helpful as you think you are. Maybe your church is great. However there are thousands that aren't, and not everyone can go to yours.
I was born in 1961. I know the words to EVERY SONG THAT CAME ON THE RADIO!! So much so that I would be riding in the car with my ex-husband and singing every song and he would get tired of me singing and then keep changing the station and ultimately turning the radio off!!😵💫
@@jeanetterawlings6132 Hmph! He should have learned the words and joined in, the Old Grump! And he could have sung HIS favourites, and you learn them ! Singing together is a lovely feeling.🇬🇧😊🌈🎼 🇬🇧🎼🌈💙🦉🎼🇬🇧
Hello, "jemrosekoontz" Im 76 and have loved Music all my life.🎼💙. It has been a valuable "Constant Companion", especially all the well loved Classics that have stood the test of time.🎼💙😊 🇬🇧😊🎼💙🦉🌈🇬🇧
Music is everything to me and has been a part of my DNA as well - I knew every single song on the radio and would sit in my room listening to music all the time.
Im a bit unusual because I had one parent constantly telling me how useless I am and another saying I am “a little ray of sunshine”. Today I keep switching to one belief to another but never staying long enough to make it permanent.
It sounds like you wanted more than your fair share and got cut down to size. I have to remind myself I am not special to be mindful of other people. We all want to be the center piece but that placement is for God.
EVERYONE wants to feel special, at least in their parents' eyes. Wanting more than their fair share? You are victim blaming and adding to others' feelings of shame. @@leesmith7727
I grew up under the threat of punishment….wait till your Father comes home…he will deal with u…my Mother loved when I made simple mistakes..stuff them '!!!!!!!
I can see how my parents were emotionally neglected to. How could they give me what wasn't given to them? To them, growing up in the depression resulted in all they wanted was warm shelter and clothes and food to eat. I did get that and that was their best. God bless my parents, they did do their very best
Oh my god, this is my whole life....she says, sitting alone at home, avoiding human contact because it's safer that way, and why on earth would anyone want to have contact with someone as bad as her? Knowing empathy only as a gift to give other people, but never to squander on herself. Thank you for this video, you captured the whole thing perfectly, especially the issues around asking for help.
I'm a recent widow and just coming to the understanding that I did go through emotional neglect as a child and then married a man (46 years) who continued the neglect. I don't think my parents meant to neglect me that way but life happens - my dad had a horrible accident and my mom became the bread winner in our family. Me, being the oldest child became a co-parent to my younger siblings at a very young age. No time for social interactions. I had to make sure the house was cleaned, supper started and everyone's homework done or answer for it when mom got home. Mom held us together but she did it angrily and with stern rules. Then I married my husband and for 46 years he never remembered my birthday, never celebrated an anniversary and discounted my wishes, hopes and needs if they differed from his. I am a doormat to be stepped on and so now I am going through a bit of self isolation and slamming the door shut to social opportunities. It's not that I don't think I should be treated any different. It IS that I doubt anyone would treat me any different and I am terrified to find out if they would.
Wow my life makes more sense now. I’m 59. Damn this would been good to know a very long time ago. I was physically and mentally isolated from the world.
I’m 59 too and I keep on thinking how much it would have helped to know what the hell was wrong with me. I feel like I’ve been an observer in my life for most of my life.
I am 50. My mother followed the guidance of "let them cry it out" for babies. This was a recommendation that was popular during the mid to late 1960s and onward. I had been suspecting that she was raised in this manner, but even her mother disagreed to no avail. Our mother always had her nose in a book and couldn't be bothered.
Did she put food on the table and shoes on your feet? Was she present enough to know you needed a bath? My Mom struggled with those things and I don't accuse her. For a while I lived off mayo and sugar sandwiches. What were you crying about?
@@rhyfeddu yeah I don't know what this person's problem is but they're reacting to so many comments under this video, very self-centered and weirdly judgmental or just mean, especially when considering the topic of this video. Very sad.
@@SecondFloor2311 Didn't see they were spreading it throughout all comments; too bad. They're obviously in their anger about their own experience, but got the wrong targets in their sights - other people hurt in other ways. Shame.
Every single sign checks off for me. No surprise! Ive dedicated myself to doing everything I can to NOT ne like my own mother with my own kids. I have worked very hard to break the generational curses. Recently, my daughter told me that ive done a great job with it..she said, "mom...you are nothing like her! You are great!" Melted my heart 😊
My mom is autistic and was badly neglected by her parents. She tried hard to make it better for her kids, and succeeded, but there were times she said things that I still struggle with. She doesn’t know how to bond, as an autistic myself, I am the same. Even when there are excellent reasons for the emotional neglect, and you completely forgive, the holes are still there and have to be dealt with. You still needed the support and didn’t get what you needed.
Thank you for this clarity on neglect, Dr. Sage! How many of us boomers had fathers who had recently returned home from WW2 with rage issues and undiagnosed PTSD? My father was off the charts rageaholic when I was little. My childhood emotions were seen as stupid and selfish, and were mocked. Around 9 yrs old, I started spending weekends reading in my room or going to double feature movie matinees because being around the family was always hurtful. Now, in my later life, I spend a lot of time by myself.
I look at other people showing emotion and I am straight away skeptical. I see other people using emotions as a way of manipulating me. I was forced (painfully) to stop crying at about 9 years old. I finally understand emotional neglect.
It was very difficult for me to trust others who were emotionally expressive also and I still have don't know how to use emotional expression in relating to others. I will think I've said too much, that my voice wavering betrays weakness and lack of self control only to discover that to the other participant I'm stone faced. There Are some people who never got hurt in the ways we did that sincerely have breadth and depth of emotion And they let it show. Some of them even see the value in us and come to us with their hurts because they genuinely believe in our abilities to hear them and witness their pain (or anger, or happiness etc) without discomfort or judgements. Those folks are not the ones who will tell us we are ice royalty with poker faces ;)
I'm like this in some aspect too. Like if my dad tries to make me feel special I doubt it. I numb it. But who knows maybe getting it from someone you trust more can indeed help, but who knows... it depends on how bad you have it, I guess.
After watching this, Marissa Peers, Dr. Gabor Mate, all of this makes perfect sense. My mom neglected all of her children, until the last, and then all of a sudden she started showing up. I blocked out most of childhood, and becoming hyper independent as a coping mechanism. I've asked for help, but most of the time no one shows up. So im used to doing it all by myself.
I worked so hard at “shutting up or Mom would give me something to cry about,” that I don’t seem to cry any more than eye watering but not tears. I simply don’t cry because of her brutal neglect and control of me. I worry about authorities telling me bad news because my reactions will definitely not be normal. So bad that they might see me as suspect. Neglect is a beastly state for a child. Your beautiful Cocoa sleeping through your talk is priceless. Animals ease my soul.
Hey I know how this feels and yet I know ppl that can't cry, show gratitude or love, but they really do care, are grateful, Wan to show their love - but simply can't bcs of the way the were treated in their formative years.... Let time heal you. Associate W nice ppl. Do what U enjoy & treat urself well. Time heals. It takes a while but hv patience. Praying for you...
@@rg1whiteywins598Crying simply means you are you, because a whole person is able to express, in a healthy way, the full range of emotions. Far from being a sign of failure, it indicates that you are succeeding at being you. Anyone who would tell you otherwise, parent, sibling, "friend", is just dumping their shame on to you. Return to sender, and get on with being and loving yourself. Peace.
I now see that it was both emotional and physical neglect that I went through. I know that I was parentified at age 5 so that I can't relate to people in a lot of ways, yet I'm always striving to understand and be there for everyone.
@ariseshine3685 when a child is expected to take care of the emotional needs of a patient, therefore acting as a parent. Sometimes the child is also expected to take care of the physical responsibilities of the home as well. At least this is my understanding.
My husband yells and screams he calls me mental. I told him I just need love and understanding and compassion. I told him he is the (sane person) he should be able to provide it! 71 years and old trauma is resurfacing!
Whenever I was asked about how I was feeling or why I seemed sad I was made to feel ashamed about my feelings or that I was over reacting. I learned to answer, "Nothing." whenever I was asked what was wrong. I can relate to all these and I was hoping I wouldn't.😒
I knew my mom was insanely volatile but I simply cannot believe how slow I was to understand how damn NEGLECTED I was except her rare good hours between insane mood swings.
After experiencing a spiritual awakening for some years now I tend to want to be by myself more and more the loss of my beloved soul dog 6 months was like the worst pain I’ve ever felt he was that emotionally fulfilling companion that gave unconditional love. I feel he came into my life to show me what I always longed for and for that I’m grateful and hope to see him once again one day 🌈Thank you 🙏🏻
I had too much working against me as a child. Narcissist father, a mother with mental illness. At six years old, my parents divorced. I didn't see them for two years. Alot of neglect in every way in childhood. Loneliness as a child. Nobody cared about it. I have ptsd which I'm still working on.
Lucky to have had my father for the first five years. He died and left me with a mother who never wanted children and called me "stupid child" for asking questions. At 70, I'm a solo, still shut-down, super-achiever.
My older brother called me an ignoramus. My mother was so strung out on drugs to treat schizophrenia and my father wasn't in our lives. my brother was valedictorian of his high school. Even though he didn't seem to think much of me, I admired him. We both earned our way into college come hell or high water. The attention I didn't get at home was gotten by my peers. I was fortunate enough they weren't as concerned about my grades or the fact my mom was mentally ill and we lived in poverty. Ego plays a big part in our success. The drive for self preservation has to be strong. I have had to slay many dragons in my life.
The part where you said you would come home and watch TV and make your frozen dinner hit so close to home with me. Since I was about 8 years old all the way through HS I was in daycare after school until nearly 6 PM everyday. I always watched kids get picked up and would regularly be the last child to go home. Then when I would get home I had to almost always fend for myself making a frozen dinner or some cup o soup. My mom was home but couldn't be bothered to cook for the family EVER. she was too tired from work or too tired because A or B. I learned to never ever count on her for anything. I had to pack my own lunch for school since I was in Kindergarten. My mom to this very day thinks its a badge of honor that she never packed my lunch. Just writing this I feel so unworthy of love because of this neglect. Thank you for making this video.
My mum has never said good morning to me, she doesn’t even really acknowledge me when I walk into the same room as her, but she’s not a bad mum, she doesn’t hate me or physically hurt me, she’s just a bit distant. She buys me what I want, offers me food, but she’s never really complimented me, or greeted me, or asked me how my day was, or when I’m visibly upset she’ll just kind of distance herself from me but will send me money to order food or buy that game I wanted. It’s clear she loves me, I know that, now at least, when I was young I wasn’t so sure because she didn’t hug me like I saw other kids get treated by their mothers. I could probably count all the times she’s ever hugged me on one hand, most of them felt forced, but some of them I could tell she really needed, like when I went missing at the shop and she finally found me or when I was 15 and I got really drunk and tried to jump off a building (not a suicide attempt, I was just drunk). I think she just has a lot of her own problems and trauma, as nice as my grandparents seem now, I know they weren’t the best when she was a kid, my grandad was an alcoholic and my nana worked a lot so she wasn’t home. She only really got better when they had another child, I just wished they could’ve sorted theirselves out for my mum, because she deserved better. Damn, sorry for ranting.
So many of these apply to me. In regards to not asking for help, there are many times when I am antagonistic to it because accepting external help used to mean accepting external control. My ideas, my vision and intented actions would get belittled and pushed aside and the next thing I knew I was doing as they wanted and being unable to object. Now it's like stay away from me unless you actually want to assist rather than invade. Yet at the same time, the longing is there.
Your description of dissociation through television is a key component to many problems of every generation since its invention. Now tik tok has expanded the effects. My first realization of this came after watching the “Cable Guy” with Jim Carrey. My parents and even many people my age always have to have a tv on as “background noise” I find it maddening. I turn off tvs everywhere I go.
My parent's eyes never light up when they see me. If anything, they are annoyed instead... I just feel like a burden around them. An old guru I use to listen to said... "People who don't like you... hate to see you coming down the road... and smile when you are leaving"...
I'm sorry that your parents are like that. I hope that you can go within and find true love and acceptance for yourself. Trust me, you're not alone. I would bet that more than half of children (or more) have had unloving parents. Joe Dispenza helped me, as did Wayne Dyer and Daniel Amen, too. All the best to you! 💖
Yeah, spend less time with those folks. You know, my eyes don't light up anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love my children but it may indicate I am feeling achy. People struggle at all ages and don't want to share those struggles. When I went through menopause, I was in a weird place and I went within.
If you were my child my eyes would have lit up for you everyday 🥰 My mom was like yours. I never did but if I’d had a child I would have loved them crazy. It’s heals to imagine because in that one thought I know it’s was never me but her. Any child couldn’t deserve that. Neither did you. 💛
Now I finally understand why I am who I am. I relate to all 10. Hardest part was growing up in the military, we moved every couple of years until I was 14. Never felt like I belonged, also had the urge to move every few years....still do.
I went to 8 different school by the time i was in 8th grade. Making friends when I was young was easy but by 8th grade I sat alone for roughly 10 minutes until Jeanette plopped down to join me. You know, I was grateful for that. I too had trouble staying in one place and pride myself for living in one city for 30 years and one house for 18 years. Not just that, it was hard for me to stay at one job for longer than 6 months. 3 years in the military was a great feat but here I am 23 years and 6 months at one university. You know how nature has a way of taking their land back? You've seen dilapidated houses covered in vines and a tree managed to thrive in the living room? I feel like this city has done the same to me.
I also went to 12 different schools by the time I was in 12th grade. Then having to constantly move almost once per year almost all of my entire life) have no place I belong or can live in without being an intruder, a burden, in the way etc all of my life. Long story short. Medical & other debilitating issues from severe stress since childhood. Living in sick making substandard housing with many daily building/structure/amenity issues, butv at least not dying outside on the street like a lot of people in my neighborhood. I'm 62. I loathe that other people went through this! But I am profoundly glad to know I am not alone, this comment chokes me up and I wish you both well in this comment thread.
Me, too. Military families are a subculture that no one thinks about. I never made friends because I always felt there wasn’t any point to make the emotional investment. I’d be gone in a couple of years. At 62, I still don’t bother because, let’s face it, people in general are untrustworthy and about as deep as a bottle cap.
Kim has made videos on how big an effect constant moving has especially with highly emotionally stunted parents to boot. I went to 7 schools in 6 countries. I can't believe it took me so long to fully realize that part of the story. Like every few years my entire universe would evaporate overnight and like some time traveler I'd be in a completely new country, new school, new everything. And this is pre internet and Skype. International phone calls was not an option. And now I'm fully realizing my parents did not do a damn thing to help me stay in even minimal touch with anyone. My mom even gave away my dogs. BOTH of them
I am an addict and I know there is underlying reasons for my personal issues and this is the first time that I have found anything that is how I feel about myself- Thank you
Life is amazing like that. That a person can go through so much for so long and not even realize the significance of seemingly everyday things that have impacted them in so many ways.
I loved my parents but did not like them and had they been neighbours instead of parents I would have had nothing to do with them. My parents died when I was in my early 60s and it was an overwhelming sense of relief that I felt most of all. No more trying to please and make them proud but always seeming to not entirely succeed, no more feeling guilty that I existed; especially where my mother was concerned. What saddens me most is all the possibilities of what could have been had they not been so emotionally retarded but I believe I made up for it with my own family and grandchildren so perhaps the circle has been squared.
Yes, all 10 apply to me too. I am so brainwashed that I can't bring myself to go for therapy. I say, what's the point, at 77? It struck me that so many comments showed that so many of my generation were mistreated this way.
This may seem so small to say but what you said about being so young and alone providing for yourself must have been extremely lonely and scary and I’m so sorry you had to endure that 🤍
I don't know if it is because I'm a man, but on point 7; "long to feel special", I had an opposite experience, for as far I can remember, even before I was 10, people would tell me I was "special", just before excluding me, at school nobody wanted to talk with me, my only friends were my books, I was reading a lot. Later on my work, I have a "funny" anecdote: a new guy came in our section, it was a biker, rock type; after about a week, he's coming to me and ask me:"why can I not talk with you?", not understanding the meaning of the question or where he is talking about, I answer "what do you mean?", the following sentence stunned me:"the boss told me that, if I wanted to avoid problems, I'd better not talk with you.", and that is the story of my life, people avoid me because I am "special", what ever that means, I never had an explanation, I am "just special". When I look in the mirror, I see a guy 5ft3, 100Lbs, the only thing is, people tell me: the way I walk, when I was younger, I was in a ballet school; but I don't think that explains the avoidance. I remember as teen, crying in my bed,wandering how to be "normal".
Relatable. I think most people grow up realizing they aren't special after all that their parent said to them and then begin longing to feel special. Meaning you can long for both in your lifetime, or that you would be special, but in a good way.
Special is not a great description in Australia to give someone it means they have a disability generally referred to as a bit slow. I think the term was used in a negative way to describe you unfortunately but love yourself instead of relying on others. Love your strengths, forgive your weaknesses, if you like dogs they love you back unconditionally. I wish you healing and acceptance I’m right behind you on the path.
This is funny. Special like a birthday. Be careful though, they have created a narrative around you that can get you denied a promotion. It isn't what you know it is who you know and someone has you isolated.
Thank you for this, every point hits home. The TV shows - I tell people I was raised by The Ingalls and The Waltons, despite being in suburban 80s London.
As the fourth of eight children, I remember being 5 or 6 and waking in the middle of the night from the usual nightmare. I'd go up to my parent's room, slide my hand beneath my mum's pillow to gently wake her, where I'd ask the question, "Do you still love me?" She would answer "Of course" then let me climb in to snuggle with her. Eventually, she tired of having her sleep interrupted so I would be immediately sent back to the room I shared with my brothers right away. Mum was a beautiful soul but there were times .......
Every single point that you stated is me 100%. I’m 53 and struggle with all these issues. My mother passed when I was 10 and when I went to live with my father, he abused me and was highly critical, then gave up on me and doesn’t talk to me to this day. I wish I knew how to be normal again.
I grew up with a physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive childhood. I have 5 kids and my oldest is 25 but I have not yet healed from my childhood trauma. I got cancer 2x in my early 30s and that was so draining on our family. I look back and I can see that I wasn't as present and loving and validating of a parent as I should have been and I feel awful about it. My oldest won't talk to me now. My kids were never abused per se, But I can see where I didn't do the things I should have emotionally and I feel like its largely because I didn't know how. I have lived my whole life guarded and cautious and now I just think about how much I failed them as kids and I dont know how to fix it so it feels like the cycle is just going over and over.
I get close to people then close them out. I struggle with long term friendships. My mother left me and my 3 siblings when I was four and she fled to Australia to not have to pay child support and start over. my dad had to stay busy working and remarried And my step mother was beyond abusive verbally,mentally, and at times physically and I would be locked in my room often. My step sister was spoiled with mall clothing and I was taken to second hand stores, Salvation Army, goodwill, and Fred’s to shop like once a year. I was made fun of and my step mom ruined all my childhood friendships by telling their parents I was basically a troubled kid. So much hurt I’ve carried over these years. I guess when I get time I need to see a therapist.
I bury myself in shows when I can’t stand the loneliness. I don’t know how to ask for help-it’s so scary. I hardly have any friends too and it makes me sad to see people in groups celebrating and I don’t have that and I feel like I never will. I want change so badly.
I was unfortunate enough to have a mother who was physically and verbally abusive, emotionally neglectful, and sexually off.... Quite the combination. Thank God for RUclips and experts like Kim... Absolutely! Life-changing❤
The sexually off term resonated with me. Our mothers interactions with us (or lack of) shaped us. Thankfully, my dad was on a healthier level and he was there for me. He is now the one I worry about. He is close to 90 and mom doesn't have it in her to show much empathy.
@@DebbieLee-dr3hr my " mother" would walk around naked or in lingerie and would say sexually inappropriate comments to us about our bodies. Like you, my father was quiet but unfortunately very intimidated by her and uninvolved. I know he loved me dearly. The poor guy died at 71.. I'm just grateful for all of his traits that I inherited
Yes thank God for RUclips and Kim. Social media gets a lot of harsh criticism. But it has absolute gold too that I would likely never have found otherwise.
So spot on Dr Sage. Each and every one rings true. Never ever feeling special is probably the hardest. Never asking for help has followed me all my life. Thank you so much for your clarity. So helpful.
I grew up this way. It took years for me to recognize some thing was wrong. I didn't know anything else. The way i was ignored was not on purpose, it was just the way it was. In addition i am an only child so i don't even have siblings to lean on. I spend most of my time alone. My kids are grown. There is not going to be any grand children. Most days i ask myself what is the purpose of existing.
I am sending this video to my seventeen year old daughter. I have suffered most of my life from neglect as child to abuse and then on to narcasstic abuse as a teenage mom. This explains a lot for me and I pray that it will help my child bc she does shut me out when her dad goes into his raging moments of his Narcassism. I don’t know how else to help he she said she would love some video to help her cope with how her life is…. Yes parental alienation is real. She is mistreated for the times she talks with me on the phone. I live several hours away. Lord please help us!🙏❤️
I was abused by christian carers from age 8 to 18 whilst living in care. I became overwhelmed after recovering from breast cancer and then having my husband collapse in a diabetic coma after chemotherapy for throat cancer. I went to a doctor who told me he wouldn’t help because I have gone all these years without help so just go talk to someone. I walked out and gave up.
You told my story. I have empathy..for old people or animals or youngsters struggling with addiction. Other humans wear me down with their lack of boundaries. I now get help from my twelve step group. I really like your podcast. I had to walk home from kindergarten when l was five for a mile.. sometimes in the dark. When my mom met me one time l started to cry. I am a senior citizen now and I guard my privacy. I have lived with men and l can't bear it. Especially when they get controlling. Alone time is precious. But so is friendship. But friends can die or move away. You have to be ok alone. With my own son l always made him feel special and he is!! He had to know he was loved unconditionally. I became a great performer because I was attractive looking and l used it to boost my self esteem. I loved the attention. I may still do that but to a lesser extent and I know I'm doing it. When I was an adult my mother once said..where did you come from? WTF?! My kitten is named Koko❤
Kim one thing I'm so grateful is you mention in some videos is trauma from frequent moving. My dad was a senior diplomat so I went to SEVEN schools in 6 countries with an incredibly volatile mother and emotionally shut down father. I recently let it sink in that every time we moved my ENTIRE world and friends evaporated overnight and my parents never - not one time - asked how i felt about that nor made the slightest attempt to help me stay in contact with friends. this is pre internet and pre Skype calls and long distance landline calls cost a fortune. One time I missed my close friends after a move and made several phone calls , secretly, and when the bill came my mom flew into an absolute volcano rage. But then never not once thought to do one thing to help me stay in touch with anyone. She even gave my dogs away. TWICE. I have never owned a dog from acquisition to death. Now when I'm finally, fully verbalising and feeling this, I literally can't believe I haven't been more angry about this.
4:55 I remember when my partner’s dad was in hospital recovering from a heart attack, I said at least he is alive. My dad died on the spot it was too late to save him. I’m sure that was taken as an unempathetic response.
Holy crap... listening for 3 minutes and I'm sobbing. I knew all this, thought I dealt with it all. Thought I had FINALLY found a special person who nutured me - loved me -saw me! Then he threw me away, too. Now I'm pretty sure I was better off just never knowing love than I am knowing love for a short time and having it ripped away. It's way more devastating losing it than never knowing it.
I exactly know what this feels like I feel emotional neglected since I was young I’m now 41 and still feels this I feel ignored by my dysfunctional family no one cares to check on me they make me feel I’m not special or important to them.
I've come to understand that it was all about their projection of their deficiency onto me, the sponge. I'm glad you can explain what was really happening. It helps a lot to process it all.By the way, I love your wallpaper!❤
Thank You, Ma'am, … so true. I had no clue what shaped me in this direction. The biggest strength I had to develop is my intuition. Being able to recognize the unspoken, as well as the unseen, is a reliable source of skills. Did not know about the many closed books I've been carrying. Went through it slowly, chapter by chapter and if necessary page by page. Little by little the anxiety disappears, and the knots loosen as if by themselves. As a result, I'm finding a brand-new self equipped with knowledge and confidence in order to decide and act for the benefit of my surroundings. Brilliant! It was all worth it. Besides, I gained strength and the view behind the curtains. I feel blessed. You are a true source of the root of life. Chapeau!
“Chronic self blame, toxic shame, and self abandonment”….is at the core of all the other things you mentioned. I self-soothe and have a hideous time with getting help from my therapist to ground me. I disassociate, constantly, consciously and subconsciously. I definitely feel like I’m putting on a performance when it comes to intimacy. All of the above. Thank you so much, Dr. Kim, for a very helpful, insightful video. You have a different take on things than most of the other wonderful resources I’ve acquired to start my recovery journey from CPTSD at 54. I’ve been healing for over a year and still have a long way to go. I’ll be a work in progress for the rest of my life. I’m glad I subscribed to your channel and look forward to seeing more of your information.
I am gobsmacked at the polite civil way we are taught to be 'social' rather than speaking and hearing truth. Given the abuse/neglect children go through in every street, usually in secret...that they then have to 'perform' at school, church, shopping etc is mad. Children should be crying, screaming, telling what's happening to them. Children and adults grown out of this should have safe havens, volunteers protecting and staying with them to help the truth, energy around it to come out. We need houses and forests, rivers, mountains...thousands of healing places with caring strong people and caring strong people to help them. This is literally a no brainer... Children and hurt children in adults need access to free care and respite, familiar community care..not a get ahead no sense competitive society. Personal is political and vice versa.
I have always felt isolated from the rest of the world, as if standing outside a fence watching the world going around me but not inclusive of me (feeling like a misfit emotionally estranged from others).
My parents had lots of trauma and had no idea how to be what us kids needed to be. No hugs. No i love you unless they were depriving you of seeing friends or outside activities. The reason for not letting us kids experience life was they "loved us" and never let us out of their sight. Both my brother and sister are extremely dysfunctional because of this. So am I to a certain degree.
Knowing is good, I'm not able to feel differently. I had people to show me true acceptance, but was over whelmed by the ones who didn't. So now I'm stuck, awkward and fearful of friendship. I don't enjoy being celebrated at Birthday, asking me to be at center stage. Just backstage, kitchen help etc. It's also easy for my friends to drop off example stop calling me, inviting me never wanting to take my picture. I ask they cut my head off etc it gives me a sick feeling Little kids and senior people like me though But that not enough for reasons oh well. So what thank you for giving me a place to share this. God bless you.
That gave me so many insights I am a bit overwhelmed. You have really helped me connect some dots - at 61 years of age you helped me understand now why I am so tired all the time. I'll share this with my Brother.
Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us. I’ve had similar experiences growing up so I truly respect what you are doing to help others heal. You are brave and I appreciate you.
You matter to me. And I thank you. You really help me know myself. I’ve had a difficult life. Little by little it helps to understand the aspects life on a deeper level. I fear I will never be able to truly forgive my parents…even in the afterlife. How can heaven be heavenly with THEM anywhere.
Kathy, I can relate. But keep in mind that your parents were most likely afflicted by their own childhood neglect. This point of view is more useful than blame and shame, because if you can start with recognizing the mechanism of inherited conditioning, it may be possible to find your way to the next level. I say this but I must admit that this feeling only comes to me now in glimmers that occaisionally shine trhough my own resntment of my parents and a couple of my siblings. We all have been mired in a culture of sellf reliance that may have been useful and adaptive in another time and place. See it from above like a pit or a swamp and eventually we may find our way out. I wish us all the best ❤️
72 now. I used to go alone to the neighbors swing set. I would lose myself in swinging. 3 to 4 hours. I’m surprised that no one ever came to find me. I was just 8-9 years old. Dissociation?
All your bullet points I can relate to. My oldest daughter and I are just now starting to talk again. Thankfully her counseling and my own have opened the doors to us having a relationship. The generational emotional neglect is so sad. My hope is that we will continue to be close. I love both my girls and I will make a conscious effort to let them both know they are loved by me. Thank you for your videos. They have helped in understanding why and what or what not happened.
You are awesome in your easy to understand explanation. I thank you so much. Funny too, I went to college late (60) and have a masters in social work. I needed the education in order to understand myself. Like yourself, mom was a single parent and worked. I was always alone and this video is a another explanation of why I am who I am. Finally, at 68 I am ok with myself and content.
Wow I can relate to all this. Writing and playin g music is my number one coping mechanism. I’m sorry you had a rough time in life too. Thank you for helping us identify these things, your time and effort are appreciated miss!
This video helped me so much. Thank you. It’s bittersweet knowing i’m not alone in this because i would never wish what i have suffered upon anyone else ❤
Seeing empathy like “I didn’t have that so why do you need it” is a bit off the mark (for me anyway). I am more along the lines of “you can’t expect that from other people, expecting someone is else to help you is like going to the desert for water, it’s a recipe for disappointment”
Beautiful, calm setting! Beautiful wallpaper, beautiful cat, and dangit, I'm all 10. Thank you, your videos are really helping things click in my head.
what you said is ever so true. over 70 yrs.old and you brought out things with truth that made me cry. hearing you and learning all this makes me feel more okay with myself. thank you.
"Only safe when you're alone." Yep.
There is some truth to this because you avoid being questioned. You don't want to explain yourself anymore than an abuser does.
There's obviously truth to this; that's why we feel it.@@leesmith7727
After my abusive divorce from a narcissistic husband and going no contact with my narc mother, I felt so free and peaceful. I liked being alone because frankly my whole existence was being alone. You accept being alone because marriage and childhood was so lonely and abusive.
@@KA-mq4wjBlessings.
Absolutely.
60 years now, beginning to understand what happened to me. Through people like you. Thank you.
Yes me too. Years of not understanding how trauma affected me. I have all these symptoms. What a relief to be validated and seen. Now let the healing begin
Same, 65 yrs old last year when I figured out what happened me
Sending all of you my love, empathy and best wishes ❤
Bless your heart, me too
Ditto
nobody talks about when you open up, asking for help etc. you constantly get rejected, left behind by family, so called friends
I was taken away from my parents age 6, because I had asthma and was missing school.
I was sent to a boarding school..
I saw my parents for 2 hours on the first Saturday of every month.
My mum felt sorry for the kids that didn't get visitors and spent all her time with them.
I feel guilty because I was jealous.
I went back home at ages 9 to a family that i just didn't know..
I never seemed to fit back in..
They were a family
Been lost all my life..
Im married, 64, and live in my bedroom..
I feel safe on my own..
I dont really have anything to say to anyone.
Looking forward to being with Jesus..
Hes my blessed hope...
i understand you, I am sorry for you and me, the world isn’t a fair place!
Awe..bless you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. ❤ prayers to you
I’m so sorry, and we understand. You are not alone.
1. Feeling shame because your emotional needs are real and they deserve to be met
2. Seeing empathy as some sort of unnecessary indulgence in life, such that others take you to be unsympathetic and uncaring
3. Doing everything alone but secretly wanting a helper, even feeling uncomfortable when receiving help
4. Frequent dissociation or checking out mentally via distractions like tv, reading books, or anything that lets you avoid your feelings for prolonged periods
5. Protecting your solitude as though your (emotional) safety lies in being alone
6. Habitually self-soothing, almost never co-regulating with another person...?
7. Longing to feel special but avoiding activities that would make you feel so
8. Treating intimacy like a performance, including when discussing your vulnerabilities
9. Being resistant to change or avoidant
10. Feeling deep inside that the problem lies with you, as if the shortcomings of your parents did not exist apart from you and probably predate your birth
Really, the problem does lie within you. The real test is when the same scenario is repeated throughout your life. Making real friends is hard for everyone and sometimes you have to just enjoy a strangers company. I don't mean sleep with them just chat people up. Taking a class at the local community center is a perfect place to do so.
You are not being helpful. @@leesmith7727
I was really surprised that a lack of empathy was a symptom. I am exactly the opposite. Because I endured so much pain (physically and emotionally) growing up I want to do anything I can to make others feel they are important,worthy and lovable. I just can’t feel that way myself. I have always felt like I was some big fat joke and everyone knew the punchline but me.
What does #6 mean?
@@TheEdiya I do not know. I did struggle in trying to succinctly summarize her points, and I found simply rendering the information intelligible to myself was enough trouble as it required a more dilated than laconic style... I had true difficulty following her...and that was actually why I endeavored to make these bullet points in case others like myself found themselves struggling to understand. I did what I could manage in the time that I had. You might want to listen to the video and come up with enhancements to my bullet points for the sake of the next person.
I don’t know if this is true for anyone else, but that point about wanting to feel special: when I was a kid, I wished and prayed that something would happen to me - a broken bone, a terrible illness - so that my parents might see me, might recognize my needs, might pay attention. I think that’s how wanting to feel special manifested in my youth.
Not only were those feelings not met, but the fact that you have them was seen as indulging in frivolous luxuries.
Yes, 100%
GOD BLESS YOU NANCY
YES. Or an insult to the parents...
As I was listening to this I became wide eyed and in disbelief. I am a 63 y/o "Lone Wolf" and this list described me perfectly. All the pieces have fallen into place regarding the reasons why I am how I am. I just had my second open heart surgery 8 months ago to receive a mechanical mitral valve. The first one was a repair 18 yrs ago.I was completely on my own both times but thank God for Wal-Mart grocery delivery! Thank you for this morning's revelation!!
God speed and i hope you are doing better. Alone time is sometimes necessary to cope with neglect. You seem to know what to do to help yourself.
I've reached out to get support from others and most friends don't know how to help me. They try to be there and i appreciate it. The only way i can finally be free of some of my sadness is through prayer and going to a counselor. I've been avoiding it because i don't want to feel the pain again of my past and afraid of changing. Isn't this strange?
You are a survivor and are never alone. My faith in God literally has saved me on many occasions. May you continue to stay well and be at peace. 🙏 🙇♀️✝️💞
The longer I live, all the more I understand what kind of evil I went through as a child. I look at my own children and I would rather die than hurt them in the ways I was hurt. I can't help but think its demonic and evil.
You're right, it is demonic. There may be powerful spiritual strongholds in our lives that we need persistent prayer over to cast out and prevent the harm from being passed down. God bless and protect us 🩷🙏🏼
I hear you. I grew up abused in every way you can think of. But my son is spoiled, loved and respected. He has a stable home, all his needs met. Only downfall is dad works too hard to make those things happen for him. Mom is stay at home and takes good care of him.
It is a terrible sin t hurt children in anger/spite. An adult has no right t abuse a defenseless child. Blv me I know how damaging it is t a kid on b abused by a violent parent. Screw them. Get away from them.
Having a narcissistic parent, I study narcissism.
They say there is a demonic root to it 😢 At least I am learning thru people like Dr. Kim about what happened to me way back when.
It is very helpful. Thanks Dr! 😊
@@Ulysses.S.Grant.For.The.Union. best of luck to you and yours.
Blessed Be.
There was never any physical touch in our household. Never, ever were we hugged, kissed, or softly touched. That fact alone set me up for some bad relationships and a lot of social anxiety. I could cry for that little girl who was not deeply loved by anyone. I am now 73, and yes, intimate conversations often feel fake, like a performance, partly because of a level of mistrust I have that people genuinely care, and partly because most people are terrible listeners and questioners. They just go on and on about themselves. Pretty soon I make up an excuse to leave.
I'm so sorry you were never hugged or lovingly touched as a child! You deserved tender kindness.
Shld introduce U t my girlfriend of 10 yrs. ..
Hey - I just came across yr e-note....I'd like to respond t yr insightful words but it's gonna tk a little time. Yr words r v very btful....
I thought that lack of human touch when U wr a kid was qte normal ....you didn't mk it clear if it was bcs smone else that yr family preferred over U....
I had that....emphasise "had"...
I'll think of smthing t write just for U.....pls keep reading tonight.
I was hugged and cuddled. Not a ton and extremely unpredictably. My mom had never ending absolutely WILD mood swings Not from day to day but hour to hour. Just seething contempt and explosive primal screaming. At everyone. Me. My father, our maids (she didn't ever clean but she would go into WILD screaming and harranguing these poor maids. We only had maids and a cook because my dad was a very senior diplomat. I say that because my God my mom had less objective life stressor than almost anyone. She didn't cook. She didn't clean. She didn't work - EVER. Her only freaking job was to not be a monster around us 2 good kids and to not be a monster to my dad.. So this personality type is LITERALLY unsatisfiable no matter how ridiculously pampered they are
I finally know at 62 years of age why I am like I am, thank you ❤
Same.
You are describing me to a tee. Presently, I am completely shutdown, turned off to all relationships. I quit people, live in isolation. I do not know what to do to stop this.
I'm so sorry. God bless you. God sees you!
Same! I ‘m there too. I’m sorry 💗
Same here
Same here. Feels like I'm in a freeze all the time. Years by now and I truly don't know how to get out of it. Tried therapy. Didn't work. It feels so safe and comfortable to stay in this mode. Why would I want to change that? It also feels unhealthy.
Me too
My mother told me my dad was dead in a car crash..he was late home 🙄 I was 3.. she use to pretend to be dead when he came home from work because she was jealous that he went up to see me first..she had a heart condition and used that to manipulate her own way.. he then told me he thought we where going to loose her early on so I'd better be a good girl and help..I was 7 and that was the first time I felt the fear in the stomach which is now anxiety. My dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive with me probably because he was being manipulated by her..I am remembering so many abusive events from my childhood at nearly 60 and am trying to heal myself..To the outside world we where the perfect family
You're alive because of them why don't you mention the good things if my dad wasn't perfect I would hide that and mention the good things old lady
I am so sorry because that’s not just emotional neglect,that’s psychological abuse. I understand. We are no longer alone because there are many of us who didn’t know what was wrong with us.
You poor thing.. 😢 standing outside crying thinking your parents won’t come home. I can only imagine the kind of trauma that created for you. You still sound so sweet and I love your voice. It’s so gentle ❤
I like to be self sufficient and independent as i am only comfortable when alone , i find others exhausting .
I also learned to be unemotional and neutral because as a child every emotion was ridiculed .
I learned that no response to anything was safe .
Same. Hugs. After a breakup I kept looking up "get your ex back" stuff back and finally delved into attachment styles and I suddenly felt an absolute explosion of insight into myself literally shaking. I'm learning to feel my emotions more honestly. And I'm in a lot of pain but honestly I have never in my life felt like I've made more meaningful progress on ME emotionally as in the last 2 months.
I felt that my mother and father had me and then said, “ ok then raise yourself”. I was messed up for many years in adulthood but, I’m finally in a place where I feel stable. People have also noticed and commented that I am a very balanced person. Most of the time I am, but I still have my moments. Anyway, reading my Bible, praying, meditating and spending time alone with God has changed me. I know now that I am never alone and that I don’t need any person to justify who I am because I know who I am. I helped myself in this way and now I’m in a position to help other people which I enjoy doing. Please try to let go of the anger and resentment of the past. Look to now and to the future. You can’t change the past but, you can make your present and future a wonderful journey. I did and so can you. God does not favour anyone over another person. Only humans do that not God. What he did for me he will do for you too all you have to do is ask sincerely with all your heart and forgive and let go of the past. Let it go just give it to God. What do you have to lose except anger, hurt and resentment. Trade it it for love, joy and peace. I wish you all the very best.
I agree ❤ God is healing me. The Bible is so powerful!! Thank you 🙏 God bless you and everyone who is healing from childhood trauma ❤
Amen, God is so good! Reading my bible, and prayer has really helped me over the years. I'm 40 and I am finally healing and finding peace ❤
My dad was wonderful, God rest his soul....but my mother....was totally emotionally never available.. I feel like I was her oops baby...never wanted. I had to finally go no contact a few years ago. I couldn't take the toxic narcissism a second longer. I worked so hard to break those generational curses!
❤Hugs! I totally understand!
I love this, you know what I learned? Having a childhood like this isn’t always easy but it provides the opportunity to get to know your REAL Father! ❤
Amen. God bless 🩷
God isn't the solution for everyone, and I personally think it's dangerous to lead people to "God" as a solution for their trauma, because "God" does not just have one interpretation or form. Far from it. There are endless interpretations. Which one depends entirely on who you're talking to, and not everyone is talking about the same God but they tend to speak as if they are. Furthermore plenty of people use religion to rope people into further trauma and chaos, intentionally or not.
I won't tell y'all your experiences with God are invalid for *you*, but please stop trying to apply and pass that on to other people. There are millions upon millions who have already been traumatized by religion and/or are at risk for further trauma, and you aren't being as helpful as you think you are. Maybe your church is great. However there are thousands that aren't, and not everyone can go to yours.
Yes, I buried myself in music and records starting at age 2. I am 72 now.
I was born in 1961. I know the words to EVERY SONG THAT CAME ON THE RADIO!! So much so that I would be riding in the car with my ex-husband and singing every song and he would get tired of me singing and then keep changing the station and ultimately turning the radio off!!😵💫
@@jeanetterawlings6132
Hmph! He should have
learned the words and
joined in, the Old Grump!
And he could have sung
HIS favourites, and you
learn them ! Singing
together is a lovely
feeling.🇬🇧😊🌈🎼
🇬🇧🎼🌈💙🦉🎼🇬🇧
Hello, "jemrosekoontz"
Im 76 and have loved
Music all my life.🎼💙.
It has been a valuable
"Constant Companion",
especially all the well
loved Classics that
have stood the test
of time.🎼💙😊
🇬🇧😊🎼💙🦉🌈🇬🇧
Music is everything to me and has been a part of my DNA as well - I knew every single song on the radio and would sit in my room listening to music all the time.
Beatles Forever 🇬🇧
I feel like just being and talking with people feel like performance, not only in intimate situations.
Oh wow. You have explained this feeling that I experience perfectly.
Me, too x
Oh, yes!
Im a bit unusual because I had one parent constantly telling me how useless I am and another saying I am “a little ray of sunshine”. Today I keep switching to one belief to another but never staying long enough to make it permanent.
@@yvasquez2449 enough t drive U mad....b GD t urself. Time heals.
All 10! The one that stands out the most, feeling special. I was constantly told that i was not special, by my mother. It still hurts at 53.
Same. My mother felt like shit about herself and she saw no reason why I shouldn't as well. Took every opportunity to put me down and shame me.
It sounds like you wanted more than your fair share and got cut down to size. I have to remind myself I am not special to be mindful of other people. We all want to be the center piece but that placement is for God.
Same. I started to notice this in my mid-late 30’s
EVERYONE wants to feel special, at least in their parents' eyes. Wanting more than their fair share? You are victim blaming and adding to others' feelings of shame. @@leesmith7727
That’s awful. It's important to treat yourself with kindness and understand that your past experiences do not define your worth or future.
At 72 I too am still on the journey to understand and move forward
I grew up under the threat of punishment….wait till your Father comes home…he will deal with u…my Mother loved when I made simple mistakes..stuff them '!!!!!!!
I can see how my parents were emotionally neglected to. How could they give me what wasn't given to them? To them, growing up in the depression resulted in all they wanted was warm shelter and clothes and food to eat. I did get that and that was their best. God bless my parents, they did do their very best
Oh my god, this is my whole life....she says, sitting alone at home, avoiding human contact because it's safer that way, and why on earth would anyone want to have contact with someone as bad as her? Knowing empathy only as a gift to give other people, but never to squander on herself.
Thank you for this video, you captured the whole thing perfectly, especially the issues around asking for help.
❤️
🌷🌷🌷
Partway through this video I started crying. So many of these resonate with me, but I struggle to accept the reality of what my childhood was.
Me to
Ditto 😢I don’t think I’ve felt this ‘seen’ in a long time
I'm a recent widow and just coming to the understanding that I did go through emotional neglect as a child and then married a man (46 years) who continued the neglect. I don't think my parents meant to neglect me that way but life happens - my dad had a horrible accident and my mom became the bread winner in our family. Me, being the oldest child became a co-parent to my younger siblings at a very young age. No time for social interactions. I had to make sure the house was cleaned, supper started and everyone's homework done or answer for it when mom got home. Mom held us together but she did it angrily and with stern rules. Then I married my husband and for 46 years he never remembered my birthday, never celebrated an anniversary and discounted my wishes, hopes and needs if they differed from his. I am a doormat to be stepped on and so now I am going through a bit of self isolation and slamming the door shut to social opportunities. It's not that I don't think I should be treated any different. It IS that I doubt anyone would treat me any different and I am terrified to find out if they would.
Thanks for caring about us Kim.
It's really an honor that you are here. I truly appreciate that you all let me be here this way. 🙏
@@DrKimSage❤❤❤
Wow my life makes more sense now. I’m 59. Damn this would been good to know a very long time ago.
I was physically and mentally isolated from the world.
I’m 59 too and I keep on thinking how much it would have helped to know what the hell was wrong with me. I feel like I’ve been an observer in my life for most of my life.
@ whoaaa that’s a great way to describe it. 😳
A voyeur to my self and life.
I am 50. My mother followed the guidance of "let them cry it out" for babies. This was a recommendation that was popular during the mid to late 1960s and onward. I had been suspecting that she was raised in this manner, but even her mother disagreed to no avail. Our mother always had her nose in a book and couldn't be bothered.
Did she put food on the table and shoes on your feet? Was she present enough to know you needed a bath? My Mom struggled with those things and I don't accuse her. For a while I lived off mayo and sugar sandwiches. What were you crying about?
@@leesmith7727#1) It's not a competition. #2) The video is about emotional neglect, not physical neglect. The commenter is on topic.
@@rhyfeddu yeah I don't know what this person's problem is but they're reacting to so many comments under this video, very self-centered and weirdly judgmental or just mean, especially when considering the topic of this video. Very sad.
@@SecondFloor2311 Didn't see they were spreading it throughout all comments; too bad. They're obviously in their anger about their own experience, but got the wrong targets in their sights - other people hurt in other ways. Shame.
Shut up. Your trauma is not more valid than anyone else's.@@leesmith7727
Every single sign checks off for me. No surprise!
Ive dedicated myself to doing everything I can to NOT ne like my own mother with my own kids. I have worked very hard to break the generational curses.
Recently, my daughter told me that ive done a great job with it..she said, "mom...you are nothing like her! You are great!" Melted my heart 😊
My mom is autistic and was badly neglected by her parents. She tried hard to make it better for her kids, and succeeded, but there were times she said things that I still struggle with. She doesn’t know how to bond, as an autistic myself, I am the same. Even when there are excellent reasons for the emotional neglect, and you completely forgive, the holes are still there and have to be dealt with. You still needed the support and didn’t get what you needed.
Thank you for this clarity on neglect, Dr. Sage!
How many of us boomers had fathers who had recently returned home from WW2 with rage issues and undiagnosed PTSD? My father was off the charts rageaholic when I was little. My childhood emotions were seen as stupid and selfish, and were mocked. Around 9 yrs old, I started spending weekends reading in my room or going to double feature movie matinees because being around the family was always hurtful. Now, in my later life, I spend a lot of time by myself.
I look at other people showing emotion and I am straight away skeptical. I see other people using emotions as a way of manipulating me. I was forced (painfully) to stop crying at about 9 years old. I finally understand emotional neglect.
It was very difficult for me to trust others who were emotionally expressive also and I still have don't know how to use emotional expression in relating to others. I will think I've said too much, that my voice wavering betrays weakness and lack of self control only to discover that to the other participant I'm stone faced. There Are some people who never got hurt in the ways we did that sincerely have breadth and depth of emotion And they let it show. Some of them even see the value in us and come to us with their hurts because they genuinely believe in our abilities to hear them and witness their pain (or anger, or happiness etc) without discomfort or judgements. Those folks are not the ones who will tell us we are ice royalty with poker faces ;)
I'm like this in some aspect too. Like if my dad tries to make me feel special I doubt it. I numb it. But who knows maybe getting it from someone you trust more can indeed help, but who knows... it depends on how bad you have it, I guess.
Lived it. Spot on, been dealing with the aftermath for 70+ yrs. Glad to have confirmation on what I’ve been working on for so much of my life.
After watching this, Marissa Peers, Dr. Gabor Mate, all of this makes perfect sense. My mom neglected all of her children, until the last, and then all of a sudden she started showing up. I blocked out most of childhood, and becoming hyper independent as a coping mechanism. I've asked for help, but most of the time no one shows up. So im used to doing it all by myself.
Same with feeling I have no one there for me. I’m there for myself, but sometimes we need a cushion to fall on.
I worked so hard at “shutting up or Mom would give me something to cry about,” that I don’t seem to cry any more than eye watering but not tears. I simply don’t cry because of her brutal neglect and control of me. I worry about authorities telling me bad news because my reactions will definitely not be normal. So bad that they might see me as suspect. Neglect is a beastly state for a child.
Your beautiful Cocoa sleeping through your talk is priceless. Animals ease my soul.
Hey I know how this feels and yet I know ppl that can't cry, show gratitude or love, but they really do care, are grateful, Wan to show their love - but simply can't bcs of the way the were treated in their formative years....
Let time heal you. Associate W nice ppl. Do what U enjoy & treat urself well.
Time heals. It takes a while but hv patience. Praying for you...
I have the same issue. But for me, crying also speaks that I failed, and am a failure.
@@rg1whiteywins598Crying simply means you are you, because a whole person is able to express, in a healthy way, the full range of emotions. Far from being a sign of failure, it indicates that you are succeeding at being you. Anyone who would tell you otherwise, parent, sibling, "friend", is just dumping their shame on to you. Return to sender, and get on with being and loving yourself. Peace.
I now see that it was both emotional and physical neglect that I went through. I know that I was parentified at age 5 so that I can't relate to people in a lot of ways, yet I'm always striving to understand and be there for everyone.
I’m new to channel… what is parentified?
@ariseshine3685 when a child is expected to take care of the emotional needs of a patient, therefore acting as a parent. Sometimes the child is also expected to take care of the physical responsibilities of the home as well. At least this is my understanding.
My husband yells and screams he calls me mental. I told him I just need love and understanding and compassion. I told him he is the (sane person) he should be able to provide it! 71 years and old trauma is resurfacing!
Whenever I was asked about how I was feeling or why I seemed sad I was made to feel ashamed about my feelings or that I was over reacting. I learned to answer, "Nothing." whenever I was asked what was wrong. I can relate to all these and I was hoping I wouldn't.😒
I knew my mom was insanely volatile but I simply cannot believe how slow I was to understand how damn NEGLECTED I was except her rare good hours between insane mood swings.
After experiencing a spiritual awakening for some years now I tend to want to be by myself more and more the loss of my beloved soul dog 6 months was like the worst pain I’ve ever felt he was that emotionally fulfilling companion that gave unconditional love. I feel he came into my life to show me what I always longed for and for that I’m grateful and hope to see him once again one day 🌈Thank you 🙏🏻
I had too much working against me as a child. Narcissist father, a mother with mental illness. At six years old, my parents divorced. I didn't see them for two years. Alot of neglect in every way in childhood. Loneliness as a child. Nobody cared about it. I have ptsd which I'm still working on.
This was so good. I'm 66, and I'm just now starting to understand what happened to me.
Lucky to have had my father for the first five years. He died and left me with a mother who never wanted children and called me "stupid child" for asking questions. At 70, I'm a solo, still shut-down, super-achiever.
My older brother called me an ignoramus. My mother was so strung out on drugs to treat schizophrenia and my father wasn't in our lives. my brother was valedictorian of his high school. Even though he didn't seem to think much of me, I admired him. We both earned our way into college come hell or high water.
The attention I didn't get at home was gotten by my peers. I was fortunate enough they weren't as concerned about my grades or the fact my mom was mentally ill and we lived in poverty. Ego plays a big part in our success. The drive for self preservation has to be strong. I have had to slay many dragons in my life.
You can heal and change. Jesus Christ will help you if you let Him..
Don't bring religion into this. @@danilaroche1156
Oh, please, glad it worked for you but stop preaching. It's not your job. @@danilaroche1156
I had the Stupid thing from my Father , he couldn't even say it properly, Stupid was his most used word , shocking damage , thankfully now corrected .
The part where you said you would come home and watch TV and make your frozen dinner hit so close to home with me. Since I was about 8 years old all the way through HS I was in daycare after school until nearly 6 PM everyday. I always watched kids get picked up and would regularly be the last child to go home. Then when I would get home I had to almost always fend for myself making a frozen dinner or some cup o soup. My mom was home but couldn't be bothered to cook for the family EVER. she was too tired from work or too tired because A or B. I learned to never ever count on her for anything. I had to pack my own lunch for school since I was in Kindergarten. My mom to this very day thinks its a badge of honor that she never packed my lunch. Just writing this I feel so unworthy of love because of this neglect. Thank you for making this video.
My mum has never said good morning to me, she doesn’t even really acknowledge me when I walk into the same room as her, but she’s not a bad mum, she doesn’t hate me or physically hurt me, she’s just a bit distant. She buys me what I want, offers me food, but she’s never really complimented me, or greeted me, or asked me how my day was, or when I’m visibly upset she’ll just kind of distance herself from me but will send me money to order food or buy that game I wanted. It’s clear she loves me, I know that, now at least, when I was young I wasn’t so sure because she didn’t hug me like I saw other kids get treated by their mothers. I could probably count all the times she’s ever hugged me on one hand, most of them felt forced, but some of them I could tell she really needed, like when I went missing at the shop and she finally found me or when I was 15 and I got really drunk and tried to jump off a building (not a suicide attempt, I was just drunk). I think she just has a lot of her own problems and trauma, as nice as my grandparents seem now, I know they weren’t the best when she was a kid, my grandad was an alcoholic and my nana worked a lot so she wasn’t home. She only really got better when they had another child, I just wished they could’ve sorted theirselves out for my mum, because she deserved better. Damn, sorry for ranting.
You also deserve better ❤
So many of these apply to me. In regards to not asking for help, there are many times when I am antagonistic to it because accepting external help used to mean accepting external control. My ideas, my vision and intented actions would get belittled and pushed aside and the next thing I knew I was doing as they wanted and being unable to object. Now it's like stay away from me unless you actually want to assist rather than invade. Yet at the same time, the longing is there.
These were scarily spot on. Especially understand we have learned to be comfortable in our solitude.
Your description of dissociation through television is a key component to many problems of every generation since its invention. Now tik tok has expanded the effects. My first realization of this came after watching the “Cable Guy” with Jim Carrey. My parents and even many people my age always have to have a tv on as “background noise” I find it maddening. I turn off tvs everywhere I go.
Same being a house cleaner I feel so bad for the women. They are me too.
I hate tvs too.
I will be 54 soon,and I cannot believe Im still discovering & learning !! Just ,WOW. ❤❤❤
After a breakup I finally learned a deep dived into my attachment styles. And it literally blew my whole world open
My parent's eyes never light up when they see me. If anything, they are annoyed instead... I just feel like a burden around them. An old guru I use to listen to said... "People who don't like you... hate to see you coming down the road... and smile when you are leaving"...
I'm sorry that your parents are like that. I hope that you can go within and find true love and acceptance for yourself. Trust me, you're not alone. I would bet that more than half of children (or more) have had unloving parents. Joe Dispenza helped me, as did Wayne Dyer and Daniel Amen, too. All the best to you! 💖
Yeah, spend less time with those folks. You know, my eyes don't light up anymore. It doesn't mean I don't love my children but it may indicate I am feeling achy. People struggle at all ages and don't want to share those struggles. When I went through menopause, I was in a weird place and I went within.
same here. i'm pretty sure there is very little light left in them.
The quote.. accurate.
If you were my child my eyes would have lit up for you everyday 🥰 My mom was like yours. I never did but if I’d had a child I would have loved them crazy. It’s heals to imagine because in that one thought I know it’s was never me but her. Any child couldn’t deserve that. Neither did you. 💛
Now I finally understand why I am who I am. I relate to all 10. Hardest part was growing up in the military, we moved every couple of years until I was 14. Never felt like I belonged, also had the urge to move every few years....still do.
I went to 8 different school by the time i was in 8th grade. Making friends when I was young was easy but by 8th grade I sat alone for roughly 10 minutes until Jeanette plopped down to join me. You know, I was grateful for that. I too had trouble staying in one place and pride myself for living in one city for 30 years and one house for 18 years. Not just that, it was hard for me to stay at one job for longer than 6 months. 3 years in the military was a great feat but here I am 23 years and 6 months at one university. You know how nature has a way of taking their land back? You've seen dilapidated houses covered in vines and a tree managed to thrive in the living room? I feel like this city has done the same to me.
I also went to 12 different schools by the time I was in 12th grade.
Then having to constantly move almost once per year almost all of my entire life) have no place I belong or can live in without being an intruder, a burden, in the way etc all of my life. Long story short. Medical & other debilitating issues from severe stress since childhood.
Living in sick making substandard housing with many daily building/structure/amenity issues, butv at least not dying outside on the street like a lot of people in my neighborhood.
I'm 62. I loathe that other people went through this! But I am profoundly glad to know I am not alone, this comment chokes me up and I wish you both well in this comment thread.
Me, too. Military families are a subculture that no one thinks about. I never made friends because I always felt there wasn’t any point to make the emotional investment. I’d be gone in a couple of years. At 62, I still don’t bother because, let’s face it, people in general are untrustworthy and about as deep as a bottle cap.
Kim has made videos on how big an effect constant moving has especially with highly emotionally stunted parents to boot. I went to 7 schools in 6 countries. I can't believe it took me so long to fully realize that part of the story. Like every few years my entire universe would evaporate overnight and like some time traveler I'd be in a completely new country, new school, new everything. And this is pre internet and Skype. International phone calls was not an option. And now I'm fully realizing my parents did not do a damn thing to help me stay in even minimal touch with anyone. My mom even gave away my dogs. BOTH of them
I am an addict and I know there is underlying reasons for my personal issues and this is the first time that I have found anything that is how I feel about myself- Thank you
Life is amazing like that. That a person can go through so much for so long and not even realize the significance of seemingly everyday things that have impacted them in so many ways.
Exactly
I loved my parents but did not like them and had they been neighbours instead of parents I would have had nothing to do with them. My parents died when I was in my early 60s and it was an overwhelming sense of relief that I felt most of all. No more trying to please and make them proud but always seeming to not entirely succeed, no more feeling guilty that I existed; especially where my mother was concerned. What saddens me most is all the possibilities of what could have been had they not been so emotionally retarded but I believe I made up for it with my own family and grandchildren so perhaps the circle has been squared.
Yes, all 10 apply to me too. I am so brainwashed that I can't bring myself to go for therapy. I say, what's the point, at 77? It struck me that so many comments showed that so many of my generation were mistreated this way.
Kim proves that people who experienced the most pain makes the best therapists
This may seem so small to say but what you said about being so young and alone providing for yourself must have been extremely lonely and scary and I’m so sorry you had to endure that 🤍
I don't know if it is because I'm a man, but on point 7; "long to feel special", I had an opposite experience, for as far I can remember, even before I was 10, people would tell me I was "special", just before excluding me, at school nobody wanted to talk with me, my only friends were my books, I was reading a lot. Later on my work, I have a "funny" anecdote: a new guy came in our section, it was a biker, rock type; after about a week, he's coming to me and ask me:"why can I not talk with you?", not understanding the meaning of the question or where he is talking about, I answer "what do you mean?", the following sentence stunned me:"the boss told me that, if I wanted to avoid problems, I'd better not talk with you.", and that is the story of my life, people avoid me because I am "special", what ever that means, I never had an explanation, I am "just special". When I look in the mirror, I see a guy 5ft3, 100Lbs, the only thing is, people tell me: the way I walk, when I was younger, I was in a ballet school; but I don't think that explains the avoidance. I remember as teen, crying in my bed,wandering how to be "normal".
Relatable. I think most people grow up realizing they aren't special after all that their parent said to them and then begin longing to feel special. Meaning you can long for both in your lifetime, or that you would be special, but in a good way.
You are great just the way you are. ❤
Special is not a great description in Australia to give someone it means they have a disability generally referred to as a bit slow. I think the term was used in a negative way to describe you unfortunately but love yourself instead of relying on others. Love your strengths, forgive your weaknesses, if you like dogs they love you back unconditionally. I wish you healing and acceptance I’m right behind you on the path.
I bet you're very cool in some ways..
This is funny. Special like a birthday. Be careful though, they have created a narrative around you that can get you denied a promotion. It isn't what you know it is who you know and someone has you isolated.
Thank you for this, every point hits home. The TV shows - I tell people I was raised by The Ingalls and The Waltons, despite being in suburban 80s London.
As the fourth of eight children, I remember being 5 or 6 and waking in the middle of the night from the usual nightmare. I'd go up to my parent's room, slide my hand beneath my mum's pillow to gently wake her, where I'd ask the question, "Do you still love me?" She would answer "Of course" then let me climb in to snuggle with her. Eventually, she tired of having her sleep interrupted so I would be immediately sent back to the room I shared with my brothers right away. Mum was a beautiful soul but there were times .......
Every single point that you stated is me 100%. I’m 53 and struggle with all these issues. My mother passed when I was 10 and when I went to live with my father, he abused me and was highly critical, then gave up on me and doesn’t talk to me to this day. I wish I knew how to be normal again.
I grew up with a physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive childhood. I have 5 kids and my oldest is 25 but I have not yet healed from my childhood trauma. I got cancer 2x in my early 30s and that was so draining on our family. I look back and I can see that I wasn't as present and loving and validating of a parent as I should have been and I feel awful about it. My oldest won't talk to me now. My kids were never abused per se, But I can see where I didn't do the things I should have emotionally and I feel like its largely because I didn't know how. I have lived my whole life guarded and cautious and now I just think about how much I failed them as kids and I dont know how to fix it so it feels like the cycle is just going over and over.
I get close to people then close them out. I struggle with long term friendships. My mother left me and my 3 siblings when I was four and she fled to Australia to not have to pay child support and start over. my dad had to stay busy working and remarried And my step mother was beyond abusive verbally,mentally, and at times physically and I would be locked in my room often. My step sister was spoiled with mall clothing and I was taken to second hand stores, Salvation Army, goodwill, and Fred’s to shop like once a year. I was made fun of and my step mom ruined all my childhood friendships by telling their parents I was basically a troubled kid. So much hurt I’ve carried over these years. I guess when I get time I need to see a therapist.
This is me! I love you so much Dr. Kim!!!! I have CPTSD and emotionally neglected- even my health
Sending love right back to you!💖
Me too! ❤
I bury myself in shows when I can’t stand the loneliness. I don’t know how to ask for help-it’s so scary. I hardly have any friends too and it makes me sad to see people in groups celebrating and I don’t have that and I feel like I never will. I want change so badly.
I was unfortunate enough to have a mother who was physically and verbally abusive, emotionally neglectful, and sexually off.... Quite the combination. Thank God for RUclips and experts like Kim... Absolutely! Life-changing❤
The sexually off term resonated with me. Our mothers interactions with us (or lack of) shaped us. Thankfully, my dad was on a healthier level and he was there for me. He is now the one I worry about. He is close to 90 and mom doesn't have it in her to show much empathy.
@@DebbieLee-dr3hr my " mother" would walk around naked or in lingerie and would say sexually inappropriate comments to us about our bodies. Like you, my father was quiet but unfortunately very intimidated by her and uninvolved. I know he loved me dearly. The poor guy died at 71.. I'm just grateful for all of his traits that I inherited
Yes thank God for RUclips and Kim. Social media gets a lot of harsh criticism. But it has absolute gold too that I would likely never have found otherwise.
I'm constantly pouring everything into others, pouring myself into all the takers, always at my expense of being emotionally starved.
So spot on Dr Sage. Each and every one rings true. Never ever feeling special is probably the hardest. Never asking for help has followed me all my life. Thank you so much for your clarity. So helpful.
I grew up this way. It took years for me to recognize some thing was wrong. I didn't know anything else. The way i was ignored was not on purpose, it was just the way it was. In addition i am an only child so i don't even have siblings to lean on. I spend most of my time alone. My kids are grown. There is not going to be any grand children. Most days i ask myself what is the purpose of existing.
I am sending this video to my seventeen year old daughter. I have suffered most of my life from neglect as child to abuse and then on to narcasstic abuse as a teenage mom. This explains a lot for me and I pray that it will help my child bc she does shut me out when her dad goes into his raging moments of his Narcassism. I don’t know how else to help he she said she would love some video to help her cope with how her life is…. Yes parental alienation is real. She is mistreated for the times she talks with me on the phone. I live several hours away.
Lord please help us!🙏❤️
❤❤❤❤❤❤ love and warm fuzzies to you and your daughter
Is your daughter living with her narcissistic Dad? That is not a good situation for her.
@@janetblanc7658I agree totaly
I was abused by christian carers from age 8 to 18 whilst living in care. I became overwhelmed after recovering from breast cancer and then having my husband collapse in a diabetic coma after chemotherapy for throat cancer. I went to a doctor who told me he wouldn’t help because I have gone all these years without help so just go talk to someone. I walked out and gave up.
You told my story. I have empathy..for old people or animals or youngsters struggling with addiction. Other humans wear me down with their lack of boundaries. I now get help from my twelve step group. I really like your podcast. I had to walk home from kindergarten when l was five for a mile.. sometimes in the dark. When my mom met me one time l started to cry. I am a senior citizen now and I guard my privacy. I have lived with men and l can't bear it. Especially when they get controlling. Alone time is precious. But so is friendship. But friends can die or move away. You have to be ok alone. With my own son l always made him feel special and he is!! He had to know he was loved unconditionally.
I became a great performer because I was attractive looking and l used it to boost my self esteem. I loved the attention. I may still do that but to a lesser extent and I know I'm doing it. When I was an adult my mother once said..where did you come from? WTF?!
My kitten is named Koko❤
Kim one thing I'm so grateful is you mention in some videos is trauma from frequent moving. My dad was a senior diplomat so I went to SEVEN schools in 6 countries with an incredibly volatile mother and emotionally shut down father. I recently let it sink in that every time we moved my ENTIRE world and friends evaporated overnight and my parents never - not one time - asked how i felt about that nor made the slightest attempt to help me stay in contact with friends. this is pre internet and pre Skype calls and long distance landline calls cost a fortune. One time I missed my close friends after a move and made several phone calls , secretly, and when the bill came my mom flew into an absolute volcano rage. But then never not once thought to do one thing to help me stay in touch with anyone. She even gave my dogs away. TWICE. I have never owned a dog from acquisition to death. Now when I'm finally, fully verbalising and feeling this, I literally can't believe I haven't been more angry about this.
4:55 I remember when my partner’s dad was in hospital recovering from a heart attack, I said at least he is alive. My dad died on the spot it was too late to save him. I’m sure that was taken as an unempathetic response.
I understood at age 3 that no one was coming, no one believes I'm worth fighting for, I will have to deal with it on my own.
As a teenager, I used to watch about eight hours of TV a day. Daydreaming and reading a lot. 😢
Holy crap... listening for 3 minutes and I'm sobbing. I knew all this, thought I dealt with it all. Thought I had FINALLY found a special person who nutured me - loved me -saw me! Then he threw me away, too. Now I'm pretty sure I was better off just never knowing love than I am knowing love for a short time and having it ripped away. It's way more devastating losing it than never knowing it.
I love the combination of personal experiences, high intelligence, and your high-level of education. You really speak to me. Thank you
I exactly know what this feels like I feel emotional neglected since I was young I’m now 41 and still feels this I feel ignored by my dysfunctional family no one cares to check on me they make me feel I’m not special or important to them.
Join the club. I’m just emotionally numb now.
@@smc130 At least it's nice to know I'm not the only one.
I love the way you decorated your house - the wallpaper and style! I was so sad this morning and listened to you and it helped so much
I was admiring the wallpaper too! It's beautiful!
I know! I was looking at the wallpaper & the cat sleeping... it's so peaceful. BackDrop was perfect ❤
I've come to understand that it was all about their projection of their deficiency onto me, the sponge.
I'm glad you can explain what was really happening. It helps a lot to process it all.By the way, I love your wallpaper!❤
Thank You, Ma'am, … so true. I had no clue what shaped me in this direction. The biggest strength I had to develop is my intuition. Being able to recognize the unspoken, as well as the unseen, is a reliable source of skills. Did not know about the many closed books I've been carrying.
Went through it slowly, chapter by chapter and if necessary page by page. Little by little the anxiety disappears, and the knots loosen as if by themselves. As a result, I'm finding a brand-new self equipped with knowledge and confidence in order to decide and act for the benefit of my surroundings. Brilliant! It was all worth it. Besides, I gained strength and the view behind the curtains. I feel blessed. You are a true source of the root of life. Chapeau!
“Chronic self blame, toxic shame, and self abandonment”….is at the core of all the other things you mentioned. I self-soothe and have a hideous time with getting help from my therapist to ground me. I disassociate, constantly, consciously and subconsciously. I definitely feel like I’m putting on a performance when it comes to intimacy. All of the above. Thank you so much, Dr. Kim, for a very helpful, insightful video. You have a different take on things than most of the other wonderful resources I’ve acquired to start my recovery journey from CPTSD at 54. I’ve been healing for over a year and still have a long way to go. I’ll be a work in progress for the rest of my life. I’m glad I subscribed to your channel and look forward to seeing more of your information.
I am gobsmacked at the polite civil way we are taught to be 'social' rather than speaking and hearing truth.
Given the abuse/neglect children go through in every street, usually in secret...that they then have to 'perform' at school, church, shopping etc is mad.
Children should be crying, screaming, telling what's happening to them.
Children and adults grown out of this should have safe havens, volunteers protecting and staying with them to help the truth, energy around it to come out.
We need houses and forests, rivers, mountains...thousands of healing places with caring strong people and caring strong people to help them.
This is literally a no brainer...
Children and hurt children in adults need access to free care and respite, familiar community care..not a get ahead no sense competitive society.
Personal is political and vice versa.
I have always felt isolated from the rest of the world, as if standing outside a fence watching the world going around me but not inclusive of me (feeling like a misfit emotionally estranged from others).
My parents had lots of trauma and had no idea how to be what us kids needed to be.
No hugs. No i love you unless they were depriving you of seeing friends or outside activities. The reason for not letting us kids experience life was they "loved us" and never let us out of their sight.
Both my brother and sister are extremely dysfunctional because of this. So am I to a certain degree.
Man this deeply resonates with me..
Knowing is good, I'm not able to feel differently. I had people to show me true acceptance, but was over whelmed by the ones who didn't. So now I'm stuck, awkward and fearful of friendship. I don't enjoy being celebrated at Birthday, asking me to be at center stage. Just backstage, kitchen help etc. It's also easy for my friends to drop off example stop calling me, inviting me never wanting to take my picture. I ask they cut my head off etc it gives me a sick feeling
Little kids and senior people like me though
But that not enough for reasons oh well. So what thank you for giving me a place to share this. God bless you.
At 60 and figuring this stuff out. I hope it’s not to late to change
Change is our only constant. Stay strong❤
That gave me so many insights I am a bit overwhelmed. You have really helped me connect some dots - at 61 years of age you helped me understand now why I am so tired all the time. I'll share this with my Brother.
Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us. I’ve had similar experiences growing up so I truly respect what you are doing to help others heal. You are brave and I appreciate you.
You matter to me. And I thank you.
You really help me know myself. I’ve had a difficult life.
Little by little it helps to understand the aspects life on a deeper level.
I fear I will never be able to truly forgive my parents…even in the afterlife.
How can heaven be heavenly with THEM anywhere.
Kathy, I can relate. But keep in mind that your parents were most likely afflicted by their own childhood neglect. This point of view is more useful than blame and shame, because if you can start with recognizing the mechanism of inherited conditioning, it may be possible to find your way to the next level. I say this but I must admit that this feeling only comes to me now in glimmers that occaisionally shine trhough my own resntment of my parents and a couple of my siblings. We all have been mired in a culture of sellf reliance that may have been useful and adaptive in another time and place. See it from above like a pit or a swamp and eventually we may find our way out. I wish us all the best ❤️
72 now. I used to go alone to the neighbors swing set. I would lose myself in swinging. 3 to 4 hours. I’m surprised that no one ever came to find me. I was just 8-9 years old. Dissociation?
All your bullet points I can relate to. My oldest daughter and I are just now starting to talk again. Thankfully her counseling and my own have opened the doors to us having a relationship. The generational emotional neglect is so sad. My hope is that we will continue to be close. I love both my girls and I will make a conscious effort to let them both know they are loved by me.
Thank you for your videos. They have helped in understanding why and what or what not happened.
Just hearing you say "you dont feel special, but you long to" just had me bursting into tears on the train ride home 😢
You are awesome in your easy to understand explanation. I thank you so much. Funny too, I went to college late (60) and have a masters in social work. I needed the education in order to understand myself. Like yourself, mom was a single parent and worked. I was always alone and this video is a another explanation of why I am who I am. Finally, at 68 I am ok with myself and content.
Wow I can relate to all this. Writing and playin g music is my number one coping mechanism. I’m sorry you had a rough time in life too. Thank you for helping us identify these things, your time and effort are appreciated miss!
This video helped me so much. Thank you. It’s bittersweet knowing i’m not alone in this because i would never wish what i have suffered upon anyone else ❤
Seeing empathy like “I didn’t have that so why do you need it” is a bit off the mark (for me anyway). I am more along the lines of “you can’t expect that from other people, expecting someone is else to help you is like going to the desert for water, it’s a recipe for disappointment”
Beautiful, calm setting! Beautiful wallpaper, beautiful cat, and dangit, I'm all 10. Thank you, your videos are really helping things click in my head.
what you said is ever so true. over 70 yrs.old and you brought out things with truth that made me cry. hearing you and learning all this makes me feel more okay with myself. thank you.
Omg Coco sleeping made me feel so peaceful. Gorgeous. ❤✨ another helpful video, thank you.