My brother and I were raised to people please, care about what others think, and to believe our feelings dont matter. I married a narc then had kids with a different narc. My brother is married to a narc. I realize I am programmed to be “nice” even when its totally inappropriate. I have worked on my codependency and have been single for years. I am still working on being “too nice” to people, saying no, getting angry when it’s appropriate and enforcing boundaries. Its been difficult for sure.
OMG, you just described me and my life, and how me and my brother was raised by a single mum, who was very nice and kind hearted, as a child I saw how people took advantage of my kind mother, she is 82 and still is like that, Me and my brother both were married to Narcs, like you I am also single for years now after I left and divorce my Narc, now I'm trying to keep my circle small, avoid people who want to take advantage of me, like you said It's been difficult for sure.
This! I can totally relate to this comment. Exactly how I was raised. At 59 I finally have some boundaries. I can sometimes stand up for myself and you know what? It feels great!! I say sometimes because I still feel a pang of guilt when I assert myself and I get pull back. But I'm working on it! Good luck to you!
Ditto--single mother, she was raised by wolves and handed down the same lessons--never make waves, cause no harm no matter what, Also because my drunk assed father would beat the shit out of any problem that entered his view.
You're an adult child of an alcoholic. This also covers people with problematic childhoods. I realized after my last relationship with a narc and then looking at me, that there were behaviors and beliefs instilled during childhood.
This is so true I accepted bad behavior and red flags at the beginning. This guy was so charming. He told on himself several times .... just listen and you will know right away.
Yes it's true how they are not only always telling on themselves, but showing you who they really are (behind slips in their mask) and what they've done or going to do.
I am a daughter of a narcissist. Having a mother like this is a nightmare. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. No contact was the only option I could take in order for me to have peace. Thanks for this video!
Oh sweetie ! Same. She just passed away from Covid and I had said my goodbyes years ago..but then out come the flying monkeys. It brought back all that powerless and pain from my childhood and I'm honestly not coping well.
@@cherihedgepeth9582 Thank you fir reading and understanding what I am talking about. I understand your pain too. It took me a long time to cope and eventually I realized how more peaceful it is without all their manipulation, evil speaking, and kind ways. I say hello if I see them and that's all they get from me. Everyone is different on how they handle things. I hope things get better for you. Have a Blessed Day, 🙂
“We chase narcissists so we don’t have to deal with our unsolved childhood pain.”- my therapist said this to me in our last session. Now working on addressing my childhood trauma. 😔❤ Thank you 🙏🏾
We do not chase Narcissists. Narcissists chase. I have never seen so many in my life. And know this, therapists can be narcs too! I have been to a few:::
We just do-not know who they are until they show themselves! Some are Overt and it can be years b4 you realize who they are…. Love is blind is a true statement. Your mind cant see what the heart won’t let it….until it does… then RUN!
I like this. My mother was a narcissist so the behavior was normal to me. It has taken me a long time to identify how her behavior groomed me to accept this in other people. Ive done a lot of work to overcome this. I may be alone for the rest of my life but i will never accept a narcissist in my life again.
Thank you for that , I too am forever dealing with trauma for that same reason , like a co dependent chain around your heart .stiffening smothering mothering abuses.
It's not always a massive child trauma. Some were golden children, entitled and held high by their parents. The trauma comes from realizing they are not to the rest of the world who they were to their parents.
It's amazing to me EVERY (unaware) victim thinks it's a good strategy to scream and point fingers, they are the narcissist playing pretent ... the agressive victim is impossible to fix
14:40 #1 We know, but we ignore it. 15:00 #2 We think we can fix them. 16:16 #3 We want to figure them out. 17:00 #4 We try to control their actions. 17:40 #5 We try to become whatever they want. 20:10 #6 We keep going back to them, but we keep blaming them. #7 We play the victim and blame. 24:30 You cannot be blamed for something you were not even aware of. Not until you learned about it. ------------- But you must take responsibility ("ignorantia juris non excusat" - Latin for "ignorance of the law excuses not")
You may try and hood wink people with your ' marvellous Latin ', but you are missing a major point and that is Love , and that is why the person wanting the abuser to be better , kinder, non violent etc.etc. You idiot. You cannot change a Narcissist and you have said that.
@Robert Dusek: Thanks for providing this summary!…with time stamps, even!! 😁 As I look at your helpful / accurate summary, it makes me think that the video is mistitiled-it’s really about “7 ways to either enable or mal-adapt to a narcissist”. But that’s not a catchy title 😅 I can only recall one real “reason” we are attracted to, and therefore also attracting, narcissists: namely, we are narcissists ourselves, but from the “under-powered” (victim) side of the power dynamic. Going one level deeper: because we suffered childhood trauma (even though most are too detached from reality to be aware and/or be in recovery).
Darn.. I knew it. I thought I'm just an empath, that's why I attracted narcissists, but deep inside, I had this feeling that I had some narcissistic traits in me, that's why I attracted them. You're right Kenny, we were definitely aware that they were walking red flags and can sense it by just their picture, but I thought it was just a plain attraction, but it wasn't.
Somewhere in between narcissism and empathy, there's something called co-dependency. This category has a 50% empathy and 50% narcissistic traits. I thought to myself that I attracted my narcissistic ex because I was an empath...but later I was so shocked to know that I was a co-dependent all my life...when you heal from your co-dependency, you become an empath...
I firmly believe I struggle with codependency too. I’m a man in my mid-30s. A few years back I was in a platonic friendship with a woman who is a narcissist. I didn’t realize it until after I ended the friendship. Since then I’ve been determined to figure out my codependency traits. Kenny’s channel has been extremely helpful for this journey I’m on.
Wow! I always suspected that I was also a narcissist dating a narcissist but then all we hear from everyone is that if he is a narcissist you are a victim. This is the first time you pointed that I wasn’t a victim I was a narcissistic abuser as well. Under-empowered one. This is the first time I hear it from someone and not just “suspecting it myself”. Thank you so much for this “different” approach. Ownership is powerful
I see the same in myself! Most everything we really dislike in another person is a reflection of what we can't stand in ourselves I've learned! And being selfish would trigger me like nobody's business till I realized just how selfish I could be and started to recognize him playing the victim REALLY PISSED ME OFF THEN A LIGHT BULB WENT OFF!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING WHEN I WAS POUTING TO SOMEONE ABOUT HOW BAD I WAS TREATED? YUP THAT VICTIM BS I HATED SO MUCH WHEN HE DID IT! NOW I WAS NEVER PHYSICALLY ABUSED MAINLY CAUSE I FIGHT BACK AND AINT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! AND TALK SO MUCH $HIT THAT IT REALLY MAKES PEOPLE THINK TWICE BEFORE THEY MAKE A MOVE! BUT ONCE I DID THAT SHADOW WORK AND IT CAME TO ME I STOPPED PLAYING THE VICTIM AND STARTED TRYING TO REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THE MIND WILL KEEP YOU MESSED UP IF YOU DON'T WORK AT GETTING THOSE SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS OUTTA THERE! ITS A WONDERFUL THING TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SEE YOUR OWN FLAWS AND BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO ADDRESS THEM!
Yup I actually picked up narc traits from childhood. And that's not actually who I am . I mask a lot when I'm stressed. But when I'm doing good I act like my real empathic self .
It is my personal belief that those of us who attract "challenging" personalities into our lives do so not simply to relive the childhood trauma but to relive it in order to heal it. Just like playing video games. You will not "graduate" from the existing level until you solve it. Some of us solve/graduate/heal ourselves in the first challenging relationship while for others it takes multiple "tries", such as multiple marriages, etc. before we finally recognize the pattern and do something about it.
I agree. I call it the worst day cycle and wrote about it in my book. I also have a playlist that describes the dynamic and why we relive the pain until we heal it.
This is such an insightful analogy, and way of looking at this journey, and I think you've hit the nail on the head. What you've suggested is also empowering and a message of hope. Thank you very much for sharing it.
Those people you talk of are the people who know themselves and are living a happy/healthy life. They realise immediately that they are in a toxic relationship and do not allow themselves to ignore the ‘red flags’ The ones who continue to ignore are the traumatised ones
Kenny, your an empath. It's a defense mechanism of a young child to read a person as not to piss off an explosive parent or other during or just before a rage episode. I know this because I'm also an empath.
@@frodobaggins169 it’s not a choice! Like the narcissist we all reacted to abuse differently and some of us just felt no self worth or devalued and we either became grandiose or doormats in relationships and both can’t handle abandonment and rejection at all. The narcissist lashes out if they feel rejection coming and discard you in the worst way, while we empaths take rejection personally hard and blame ourself and stay traumatized for years, while the cold hearted narcissist moves on fast to their next supply of admiration attention they seek!
@@artandculture5262 agreed. Empaths are not a thing, like you are a plumber or an electrician. People are empathic to various degrees. Some highly some not so much.
Carie learning ways to control your codependency is a good first step but your like me. I can sit in a bar or anywhere for that matter and it's like I have a magnet in my pocket and all I'm doing is sitting there. Look around on RUclips about codependents body language. Yes we put off a certain body language without even knowing it. Sam vacknin talked about it briefly but there's another youtuber that talks about it more but i cant remember who it was. I'm relearning how to walk, sit, talk, eye contact and everything. I believe its helping.
I am impressed. It takes a strong person to admit the responsibility in a narcissistic relationship. Thank you. You are helping so many people by showing your own example of facing painful truths about yourself. And that’s another powerful thing: not just opening up to yourself but sharing it with others. It takes courage. Takes guts. Thank you, Kenny🙏🏻
I married a narcissist, and was forced to co-parent with him…and ever since my daughter and I finally got rid of him, I’ve been educating myself on the subject! Anytime I spot a red flag, I end it, immediately! Unfortunately, NOBODY TEACHES US HOW TO END THE CYCLE OF ATTRACTION. Thank you for this video!
I think you can end the cycle of attracting narcissists into your life once you heal from your co-dependency and become an empath...one of the main traits of empaths is that they are not Materialistic and they don't depend on people for happiness. Empaths love nature and lead a very simple lifestyle...I think once we heal from our co-dependency and become empaths ourselves, that's when we will value empathic human beings and recognise and attract them into our lives...
Spot on. After 40 years of trying to Insist on a perfect marriage, I realize that I was the bigger part of the problem. I didn’t acknowledge that they were constantly telling me who they were. I didn’t own that my choices were my problem. I kept myself the victim. I’m out now, And I watch closely what’s going on in my head when I think I’m attracted to another. And I consciously look for red flags. Amazing what you see when you step back and look.
"Step back and look" - a needed skill for life. Our emotional needs can drive us to dive into relationships then comes the concrete landing. To learn to observe your own emotions, reactions is priceless but can take many of us too many years to get it but then we really can learn about forgiveness, especially for ourselves.
When we think we're in love we ignore the red flags. You have learned a valuable lesson but everyone has their faults so discriminate carefully so that you don't discard someone who even though faulty, may not be a narcissist.
I attracted a second narcissist a year after I dated a malignant and majorly abusive one. The funny thing is, the first one I could spot a mile away. He was very charming but as soon as our first date I felt something was “off”. All my alarm bells were ringing and telling me to RUN. I never felt safe with him, yet was intrigued by him. He sprinkled in layers of abuse, it was like peeling an onion, until it got extremely verbally and sometimes physically abusive. When I would finally get worked up or defend myself (I’m naturally a pretty calm person) he would try to go “whoa look at you, you’re acting crazy! Who’s the crazy one?” Unfortunately for him he liked intelligent women, so I knew what he was doing. The second one I don’t think is a full blown narcissist, but he has major narcissistic qualities. It’s a spectrum, right? This one I actually developed feelings for. I didn’t even realize what he was doing during the relationship was classic narcissistic abuse like putting my on a pedestal, idolizing me, telling me he loved me a month into the relationship, then started to devalue me. He would criticize me over the smallest and dumbest things and would even body shame me with the excuse of “pushing me to be better”Nothing was ever enough for him. He pretended he wanted a relationship to get me close, then as soon as he got me he would claim he’s morally superior than most men because he’s “honest” about how men think in wanting to sleep around. For some reason due to my lack of self esteem I suppose and my attachment to him, I chose to stay his friend. I’m realizing now how I attracted almost the same person but a wolf in sheeps clothing. The funny thing is, i know EXACTLY how I didn’t feel safe with either of them, but ignored it. I’m never ignoring my intuition or disrespecting myself again.
Wowww thank you for sharing...your story is literally mines. Was with 1 for 7 years then got into another one 4 months after ending the first one. I felt things were off too but kept lying to myself and now I'm paying for it 😢
I was married to 2 of them as well! I’m done with relationships! This last one broke the machine. I have learned so much about myself and personality disorders in general. I’m now free from all of this dysfunction and I’m in school to get my masters in psychology to help others that may be suffering from the same abuse and neglect! Happy New Year - I feel like a new person and I am more than a survivor-I’m a conqueror!! NarcNoMore!!
Reframing the codependent as the Under-empowered narcissist is a welcomed perspective. My under-empowerment made me blind. I've had to learn to protect myself by learning to recognize the Over-empowered narcissist, Learning about my own under-empowerment is how I'm learning to thrive.
Great comment! ‘In an abusive relationship with yourself’ yes! I made a lot of progress when I started realising I had an ‘inner bully’ - the internalisation of how I had been bullied & was now doing to myself.
If you feel like you’ve always known him/her ~ run like hell! And ouch! This is really a wake up to reality. I just ended a friend relationship with a narcissist. And proud of myself because not too long ago I wouldn’t have and would try to ‘fix’ an unfixable relationship. I have listened to this twice now. It’s really hitting home.
Also I went through massive trauma and abuse as a child but I did not become a crazy narcissist. I was trained to make others happy by abandoning my true thoughts, feelings, and opinions. My ex seemed like the safest, most fun and kind human. He ended up being the most evil person I ever met. Especially when we became rich and successful 9 years within our relationship. Proverbs talk about a persons true character is revealed when they experience fame and success. I would rather eat noodles and smoothies for the rest of my life than ever be with him again. That is what ended our relationship. I wanted heart he wanted a dog he could train. He was not sexy at all! He was, “safe and, kind.” I wanted a good boy. He seemed that. He was anything but.
This also happened with me. When someone gets money they show who they truly are. For my husband it is a god. For me it is a curse… in the book of James it is loud and clear. Like the book of Ecclesiastes… “there is nothing new under the sun” WOW just how accurate that is
I literally told myself… I had to play a part in attracting a narcissist man and we both have something in common. But I’m so happy I researched this topic. It’s mind blowing
This guy is a Genius. I have a similar job to him been in this field for years always more to learn and I have learnt a lot from this guy. I am both the over powered and underpowered narcissist, both sides. He read my mind without reading my mind. Incredible!
I’ve never watched a better narcissistic abuse video. It said what I already knew, I knew what she was and I stayed. The hardest thing was to try an forgive myself for overlooking so many red flags. I blamed myself but not nearly enough.
If it were me, I would encourage you not to blame yourself. None of us are taught these deep, intricate relationship dynamics. All of us are just doing the best we can with the information we have at the time. Sure you had good feelings, but no one had taught you what all of that means. So thank God for the Narcissist because you decided to go learn and grow, and now you are aware. 👏👌
Blamed yourself? You are not guilty in anything. But you are responsible for your life and choices. There IS a difference. If you take responsibility you are not guilty, you are healing yourself and solving a problem. If are you blaming yourself, you are harming yourself (splitting your personality by not accepting parts of yourself) and draining your energy instead of solving a problem
All my friends tried to tell me about the red flags but I was unable to see them. He was "strong" and able to get me out of my unhealthy family. Out of the frying pan.....and into the fire.
I grew up with a narcissistic parent…this was my comfort level, and I felt I didn’t deserve better. I married 2 narcs, and had a relationship with a NPD man who almost killed me. 7 years after I left he is still stalking me and attempting to get back in my life.
You don't need to have gone thru childhood trauma yourself to be taken in by a narcissist. Literally anyone can at some stage in their life be pulled in by a narcissist at least for a time as they are incredibly gifted at being narcissistic. Be gracious on yourself and keep educating yourself.
Spot on. I also take issue with so-called sobriety experts who say addiction can be traced back to trauma. I didn't have a traumatic childhood I simply have narc family and loved to party
Exactly. This guy lacks soooo much theory and practice. There is so much serious info explaining how someone develops NPD, and how anyone can become victim, that is horrific to see this man dis-informing the public.
I Totally Agree With this!! Decent Honest People can be “Fooled!”..Lied to! Deceived!..By a Seducing Narcissist!! We just weren’t AWARE of these Types of Personalities!! They should teach About these Destructive Personalities in School So We can be Alerted & Aware to Stay Away from them!!🙏🙏🙏🚫👿😈💔
Completely agree! I did not have childhood trauma. I am early child teacher and I am educated on this. I did not want to be with the narcissist (now happily divorced) many factors came into this. I take responsibility for myself by getting the heck away.
Yep, after a string of dreadful partners, you have to look at the pattern, admit your part in it, and do something to change it. As an aside, Kenny, you are by far the best dressed person talking about narcissism on the net. That pocket square is a work of art.
You are amazing and this one video out of all the videos I've watched since discovering 3 months ago that I am engaged to a narcissist; has dotted all the i's and crossed all the T's for me! After watching video after video I began to relate to narcissistic behavior that I was displaying towards my fiance. I couldn't connect all the dots because I was too busy being the victim. This video confirmed that I myself am a narcissist and have been trying to right my wrongs by acknowledging something on my end wasn't right without realizing the real role i have been playing in my heartache and misery. Now I have been very aware that everything that has happened in my relationship has only happened because I have allowed it to. I just asked a friend to tell me about myself so I can help myself bc I couldn't figure out why I continue to attract emotional and physically abusive men. Thank you for answering the question that can help me in discovering who I truly am! Maybe now I can find my own happiness instead of my happiness based on the person I love. Thank you truly! This has been such an aha moment for me! Please excuse my babbling. 🙃💃
Some women were not trained or educated to to assume the worst of a person. If you learn to be a caretaker you get taken advantage of until you learn its not your responsibility. You logically expect them to take care of you until they dont. You have to walk into a relationship with complete suspicion on another's motives. Re repeat of childhood trauma... Emotionally Unavailable people may be the "trauma" that gets repeated
Yes so true. Raised as a caregiver ...but once I came out of it I seen how much I put myself last. It was kinda embarrassing & unbelievable. U really can't see it until uve taken yourself out the pic
Thank you, this is the most helpful video about narcissism I have watched. I am finding it difficult in support groups how everyone seems to think they are the victim of a narcissist, but no one is looking in the mirror- to move on, we have to look at the common denominator of all past relationships which is… the self 🫣 and the hardest thing to admit is our role in the problem. Painful but necessary.
go easy on yourself - you're not to blame when you don't know what it is you're contributing - all it means that in your ignorance some of the things you do or are contribute - it's not a blame game at any stage.
In 2022 therapists often are so careful about "victim blaming", that they err by not addressing what I'd call accountability of the victim for their parts, not to shame or blame, but to learn about reactions, attractions and how to change the patterns.
@@joywebster2678 Depends on your age when targeted by the narcisist. At what age do we start to blame ourselves? I am not sure blame is important in any sort of healing really. Things just happen.
I have been so devastated and broken from a narcissistic. I’m not a narcissistic at all, I refer to myself an empath. I’m very drawn to wanting to warn women, men and help others. The damage was absolutely devastating, how the narcissistic looks in the mirror is beyond me. I’m very ready to write, do a series, something to share…. I was 100% a victim. I will always own any of my wrong thinking or doing. Want to do a series?
Omg 😱, this hit home for me! During the first date with my husband, I saw a deep darkness in his eyes and felt for a split second that “this isn’t gonna end well. He has darkness in his heart”… but we still let the relationship continue! Such a waste of time cuz I didn’t listen to the Holy Spirit! But I’m happy now since I’ve gained knowledge so that’s says a lot
Not all narcissists are created by trauma. Some are raised as the so-called 'golden child's, which was precisely the case with my narcissistic husband. It led to me being controlled frantically by him fir decades. He just NOT and can NOT accept a no from ANYONE. He simply MUST have his way. Right down to telling you how you feel, what you hear, what you think, just about EVERYTHING. I on the other hand though, have indeed suffered childhood trauma. Which is where you are ABSOLUTELY right...I WAS drawn to to him because of my childhood injury. I have come to the point where I take responsibility for the part that I have been playing in the marriage around 2-3 years ago. I had to mourn what I have done by allowing him to do these things to me. I am now focused on holding myself accountable for what I allow out of sheer desperation of acceptance and love. Thank you for this video.
Being spoiled and "the golden child" is horrific abuse. What is so horrifying to me is that our culture is so undereducated about healthy parenting we believe being spoiled is love. In fact, it creates narcissists and so now you have a society and culture that has joined in with the narcissist parent to protect them. That level detachment from reality and the dual manuipulation all done covertly is more detrimental than direct abuse.
Part of my childhood drama was that it was drilled into my head that it did not matter what my older siblings did to me, they were older and I had to mind them. I finally realized as an older adult that I let people run over me because I was trained to be submissive and think my feelings did not matter because I was the youngest. Birth order creates narcissist.
Yes, is it's true. My first husband literally had an almost perfect childhood. He was also taught by his own admission to 'think rather a lot' of himself. He told me that. I think that was really this issue. He also admitted to deliberately going out to find a young girl that he could control. It's harsh but it's the truth. He only admitted these things once the relationship was well and truly over and I was married with kids to someone else.
Man, you are on the money!! I say take responsibility and run away from those types of people and run toward healing yourself and not toward people that are emotionally abusive. Stop trying to help/heal them, because more than likely they will stay sick and you will too if you keep selecting that type. Mr. Weiss, you have spoken the truth!!
Absolutely true with the attraction. I experienced this several times - in a room full of people, I can spot the woman with the trauma in a second as she is the one I would feel attracted to the most.
Thank you for this video. Far more constructive to break one’s own pattern of behaviour rather than focusing on the narcissist over whom one has no control.
I agree with all of it. As you say, I knew something was not right from the beginning, but I had this crazy naïve idea: In my childhood my parents adopted an abused dog. The dog was angry and unfriendly to us, neighbors, and children. In about a year of being treated with love and respect, the dog completely changed and became very friendly and loving. This is what I imagined will happen to our relationship. If it just would be so simple.
I thought exactly the same. My parents took in every needy child, widowed adult ... I took that as modelling love and believed love would eventually conquer all things. I had to learn it was a bit more complicated than that.
I thought the same, that by loving him and doing every single thing for him, he will change, and be better, and then I realized that I fooled myself. I regret it so much…I just destroyed myself in the process.
My goodness. I've been treating diagnosing my childhood trauma and learning about narcissists these last several years. Probably watch hundreds of videos and countless hours now of this topic. I'm only a third of the way into your video now and I've learned more and connected more dots in these few minutes then in the last several years. Thank you for this. I'm sure the rest of the video is going to melt what's left of my head right now.
First married a sociopath then married a Covert. It's been 43 years of torment but because of shows like yours, I've learned a lot and have a better understanding of it. At 70, it's a little late for me to start over.
Yes, and… my shrink says because of our background, we’ll pick another one, just like the last. She told me it’s best not to try. But? ? We only have so many tomorrows. I’m trying to truly heal so that I can enjoy whomever is part of my world. I don’t need a spouse right now, but a good friend would be fine.
@@victorkroud3642 That's how I feel as well. If I were free, I would hope for a good friend...don't need anything more at least until I'm healed, if that ever happens.
Of all the videos I've watched on this topic...this has been the most helpful of them all. We do have a part to play...and until we fully realize that we'll never heal and move on from experiencing these types of relationships in our lives.
I learned that narcissists can't change, which I questioned because I was narcissist, and I changed. Of course, I was the under empowered kind, so this resonated with me.
This made me cry, it’s so scary the truth! Yes approval, love, to be hugged and see other couples have true love is what I’ve been searching for all my life. Tu for making this session and explaining! ❤️ I’m the under narcissist, no conflict, drama, can’t handle it! Yes, I’ve done everything you said! Yes, I went for help! God is good! But I still have to watch everyday that I don’t fall back the way I used to be. I want to be strong mentally. Tu very much
Wow, this makes so much sense! I was the underempowered type. Have managed to mostly grow beyond that, but still learning and growing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! ❤
the anger towards yourself will only work in the short run. In the long run a person may feel disconnected, lonely, missing the things that could have come but never came in fact. This brings us back to you so we can have infinite loop of your videos with no solution whatsoever.
Thank you so much. I feel like I had to watch thousands of RUclips hours just to finally find this answer! Those of us who have experienced deep child trauma can't see this blind spot. Stay stuck for years!! Thank you!!!!! We don't know why there is suffering but if God allowed YOU to be who you are , so someone like me can be set free? This was one of the most thoughtful and compassionate & hopeful videos I have seen. Thank you I think I have what I need to fully decide in my spirit that I no longer want to attract or engage with narcs. Because it's the loving thing to do for me & for them. ❤
I always knew I was attracted to two narcissists myself, and so something was my fault, but absolutely no one ever told me why. Thanks so very very much 💜
Too wild, I've come to these exact same conclusions recently (not alone, after years of therapy). We too proudly wear the "empath" label, thinking we're perfect, kind beings. Lately that hasn't been sitting right with me. "Stop manipulating from the underpowered position" you nailed it, that's a mirror I've only recently become ready to look into, but always knew on some level.
Narcissists are an odd codependent in that they can’t go it alone, they need an audience, admirer ie narcissistic supply, yet will dump you as soon as they find a new supply.
If you feel you are also a narcissist, a vulnerable one, and want to do the work … that’s one thing. (Koodos for that !) If you think this applies to every narcissistic or toxic relationship, that’s another thing. And unfortunately, it’s gaslighting.
I was just telling my son the other day, I learned to ride a bike wrong and every bad relationship I had was just me relearning to ride the bike the right way.
I found out my husband was cheating on my after being together for 24 years. I was crushed and was such a victim. This video just changed my view. My healing and divorce will now allow me to come from an empowered state and not this victimhood that has led me to such a severely depressed and anxious state.
The key take away for me is that having been with a narc is 100% *on me.(see comment below). Recognizing this makes it impossible to continue hating, and blaming my ex-wife, and instead having compassion for her. That's not to say that I have continue giving into the patterns of abuse utilizing yellow rock/wall of pleasantness/D.E.E.P. when in her presence. I finally love myself, so hating another wont work since the hate pointing outward is only coming from hate pointing inward. Thank you Kenny, your talks on this subject have really helped ALOT, and rather quickly too :) *(didnt use the word "fault" here* intentionally, since it was me who chose the way my childhood unfolded, neither was it for the abuser, anyways...listen to Robert Sapolskys talks on freewill for some more insight to thus and many other matters)
Enjoyed your content. I’m 46 and 47 in a month time. It was only until I turned 40, completely walked away from my family that was then I realise the root of problem and living a happier life ever since. Only wish I seek help earlier in life rather than undertaking many years of own self reflection to identify my issues. I’m glad that I always had a righteous and ethical (knowing what is right and wrong) mindset which made me who I’m today, if not I would have adopted a grandiose narcissist personality like my twin brother.
You’re very welcome and don’t be too hard on yourself. Because of how the brain develops, it’s very natural that most people will not seek help until mid life. I had to learn to forgive myself, and accept that we are always doing the best we can with the information we have. As we know more we can do more. 😁
@@kennyweiss Every day I feel a lot of guilt and ashamed for walking away from my family. At the same time I can’t let them back into my life for the sake of my mental health. Suffering from both excessive amount of anxiety and depression stopping me from doing simplest daily functions, never mind work related things.
@@SH976 I am about done with my fam after two brutal Xmases. I walked away from my best friend of 35 years, never looked back or regretted it. A good therapist will tell you to go ‘ no contact’ with family if the toxicity is too much. So do not feel guilty.I can not get any respect, empathy or accountability from them, never will. Not a well for wishing into.We do what we must to thrive.
massively helpful. Just left a relationship that was moderately narcissistic in both parties. The feeling of being "needed by" and "needing" someone are equally powerful and addictive but ultimately damaging. We both had too much going on in the background to share real intimacy and love on a deep stable level. Hope everyone is able to heal from their wounds and takes the hard path - to look at yourself and be a better person for whomever is next and mainly for your own well being. It hurts to leave someone you know is unwell and love, but it is worse to stay and fall further into the hole together. Wishing massive healing for all people on this crazy planet.
i loved my Narcs. I had sooooo much fun but had to live on. I will be honest today i’m by myself and for some reason happier than ever. it honestly doesn’t make sense. I live by no contact and to stop being the victim. those wonderful sex night are better than the day to day but it’s not better than my peace. join the Narc free train to understand!
07:17 why did I pick this people? 10:16 we think we can fix him, we see those flaws 11:20 manipulate out 12:15 4°) 13:05 chameleon 15:44 we keep going back to them but we keep blaming them 17:43 mutual shared dysfunctions 21:18 we won't take ownership, we play the victim
I cannot thank you enough for this video. I'll rewatch it and take notes. You described me to a T. Early childhood trauma, I'm in my 40's, divorced after long, messed up marriage, jumped into a relationship with a hard-core narc and you described this dynamic perfectly. I could not figure out why I chose him. I did see red flags, but it was like moth to flame.
Wow, this video blew me away! I've been studying about narcissist and trying to understand it but this video really brought home the truth...that I also played the other side of it all. I've always suspected this but everything I've heard before paints the narcissist as such a manipulative villain. This video really helped me understand why I have stayed so long in this relationship and how I am not a victim. THANK YOU!
Ok WOW. I have been searching for this for years. You're absolutely correct. I have played the victim and made sure others knew I wasn't the problem when inside I knew I was also broken - yet couldn't quite articulate it. You do. We all point the finger, but we continue to choose them because we aren't healed ourselves. Things are starting to finally shift internally for me. Thank You!! 🙏
I remember a good life when growing up but surely our family of 9 were dysfunctional. Being in a large family has its drawbacks. I knew I was loved by my parents but never actually felt love until Jesus saved me. His love filled my heart. My desire to seek out what normal was brought me to Gods word. If you learn to live by it your life changes for the better. He changes us from the inside out. No matter what you have gone through, Jesus is able to heal our wounds if we yield to Him in living a godly life. We can’t fix others but we can change ourselves with the help of our creator.
Yes in my experience I have ignored my intuition and red flags because I could not believe I was right. Had to go through the awful experiences first to believe in myself. Happy to have made it out time and time again. No more captain save a ho.
Ever heard the saying, you cannot see the wood for the trees, well once you move away from all the abuse, you finally get the chance to put the full puzzle together. You distance yourself from toxix people and with many go no contact, you finally see your worth and start to only let in good people. I can spot them far better now after doing the inner work but it takes time, thank you for this video, it really helped.
This is literally the most helpful video I've ever come across after almost going insane for the 5th time or so of attracting another narcissist..God I am so grateful for you and this video and the internet. I knew I had narcissistic qualities and honestly I never ever gave it much thought that my own parents are indeed the reason why I am this way. I even thought "no I had a great childhood", had to deeply reflect and see that you're right and it was because of their own trauma as well. I'm so sorry you had to go through everything you went through, I'm 27 now and seriously it's all finally clicking. The damage of trying to form a relationship with multiple narcissists and not realizing exactly why I was doing that is being resolved right now though, seriously thank you so, so much. 🥺😭💖
Can't thank you enough Mr.Kenny. i laughted out loud when I found I was at exactly at the same place like yours..leaving many things for the Narcissist,going behind them..chasing them.I am now relieved that I found the the root cause of my insane behaviour and why I suffered why I got attracted to the Narcissist. Thanks once again from the bottom of my heart. God bless you today and always
I was in a relationship with a narcissist, for seven years in an out relationship. It took me eight years to recover from it. Thank you for your compassion and your kind words. I can actually say now that I am free.
Just got out of 4 years relationship, looking back at it,I cant believe I was so oblivious to the signs. I guess I was hoping to understand or "fix" her in time, but as soon as I started to realise how she really is and she doesnt want to even acknowledge,let alone work on some of her issues,she made my life living hell. Gaslighting me,and my friends,family, being so manipulative I couldnt believe she is the same person I allmost married. I hope it takes me less than 4 years to heal, and I am frankly quite scared of being alone in this crazy world, i felt so good by her side,well at least for the first period...
I find you have a more realistic and holistic view of the narcissistic relationship. I have listened to hundreds of videos on this subject, by now, I am sure, and always I was left wondering ``what about me''? What was my role in this? I know I am not perfect, and I know about my childhood trauma. And I have spent decades trying to understand it all - analysing, reading, counselling, studying, etc. Trying to figure out what the heck is going on here?. I am an intelligent, can do kind of gal - always doing her best. Why was that not enough? I find it refreshing to hear you speak.
Thank you for your unique perspective. It is about self-pity. We all tend to reject the light to some degree. The more I heal myself from childhood trauma, the more I appreciate my imperfect parents’ sacrifices, wisdom, and care. I can better discern what true love is day by day. Once I get rid of my self-pity, I can focus on becoming a better version of myself while not yielding to the “power” of Nass or being distracted by nass. anymore. Love ❤
This is so confronting. But in a good way. The bit that got me the most is when you said that the empath narcissist completely changes in to the person that their partner ( the narcissist) wants them to be. When i broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years i was completly shatterd. I had to make my own discissions now. Didnt know who i was, what i liked, what i wanted to be. I was so addicted to somebody telling me what to do and who to be. It took me years to make up my own mind and i still have difficulties when it comes to making my own discissions. I chose to be alone for years so i could figure myself out. Its a hell of a ride, but so many beautifull things had happen since then. I met wonderfull people, made good and bad discissions. But i was allowed to fall, allowed to rise. But still im afraid to love, afraid to lose myself again.
I'm new to your channel. I've been involved with narcissists. The concept of taking responsibility for my part is tough but necessary. I'm grateful for you bringing that to light.
my immediate realization was just what you said. in looking back, the guilt and shame that comes from taking the ownership of the many red flags. for the false belief that all challenges can be overcome with a depth of love. the reality was it was a one way love. as narcissists are only in love with themselves.
As a narcissistic survivor of CPTSD and Cancer I have to thank you for your desire to help people understand narcissism. That said, as a psychotherapist myself I want to get away from pathologizing narcissism without understanding its social context and legacy. Narcissism is a cultural phenomena born of its foundation in which you rightly gave reference, trauma! As early on as we accepted monetary currency as the litmus test of "worth" we began the socialization of the masses towards the importance of narcissistic features as necessary for our very survival. We learned to envision a "those people" deemed as "unworthy of the rewards of the basic necessities of life. That grandiosity stems from our acquired fear of scarcity brought on in the chase of monetary rewards to have: food, shelter, without even being able to consider the need for safety (Maslows Hierarchy of Needs). Those who rise is status, wealth and power often have very strong narcissistic tendencies. Because they maintain the systemic structure of hierarchy, they are financially well rewarded. In understanding narcissism we have to consider how and why it developed, how it is maintained, and come to terms that its presence mirrors our need for a major systemic overhaul. Through apathetic indifference to this aspect of "narcissism" we inadvertently condone the human atrocities taking place all over the world that are sanctioned and maintained through reliance on systemic narcissistic overgrowth! D A The Golden Child is a victim of abuse as well. They have learned to appease a narcissistic parent by accepting the expectations placed on him or her as the reflection of the parent... they live to serve the parents wishes and have no sense of themselves. These "Golden Children" are gold because they serve a purpose and robbed of their own. They have learned to do this many times to avoid the kind of abuse experienced by the "scapegoat" in the family. It is adaptive in the moment but it creates a feeling of emptiness and disconnection. They "perform" to gain the external validation that they have worth because they have been denied the right to feel and develop that on their own. In many ways, the "Golden Child" is more doomed to chasing assets and money (thus preserving the status quo) as they have been trained to seek outside justification of their worth while the "scapegoat" has a more visible difficult road to travel but his or her rebellion against the status quo creates and maintains the visionary survivor who "walks their talk"
Being of service. Caring. That makes you vulnerable to narcs. But you learn to hold your need to care for others if all they can do is take and bite the hands that feeds. Ingraciousness is the 1st sign of narcissism.
OMGSH! This is so true for me. You’re right!!😢 He was charming, and adored me. Now, not at all. Barely acknowledges me AT ALL!😢😰( 34 years married with 2 grown children ) Red flags….. sooooo true. Yes. Severely damaged.😢
I came from an entire family of narcs. A narcissistic cult. And I'm a super empath. I had to learn to trust myself again and that took over 10 years. I owned my part but I also gave myself grave for being fooled lied and tricked into a marriage. I felt some was off.
Wow!! You explained me to a Tee. And my relationships. I knew these men were broken & I felt my Love would change them. I did all 7 of the things you described. Because I am the one in the family that has always mended the broken relationships. My father told me years ago that, that was my role in the family. It never mattered about my feelings just as long as everyone else was taken care of. Thank You for Shining Light On This Subject… Because I’m ready to Heal.
My sister and I were bought up in the same family. She made a decision when she saw her friends being spoilt by their single Mums and spent most of her teens hanging out with self entitled brats. As she's gotten older, her behaviour has gotten so much worse and she is constantly controlling, deluded in her own reality and refuses to take responsibility. I made a decision to withdraw completely from her.....this last year. It's been very hard but I know who she is and now she cannot break my heart ever again.
Good for you to make a CHOICE to move on, and not allow her to hurt you ever again, and even in pain until you heal.... you also seem to have made tge choice NOT TO BECOME A NARC. Since when has wanting ❤ love, acceptance, ect as a result of abuse... make someone a Narcissist??? So now there are no Empaths? Only 2 Narcs? One makes a choice to try and do good regardless of what may have happened, meanwhile the other takes on another personally to get through whatever they've dealt with, decided to remain that way and turn into an abuser who's abuse only gets worse with time, and they are both guilty of Narcissism??? These ppl have made a CHOICE to be be this way. Just as Satan has made a choice (in his mind) to be feel Superior to God. Satan goes around seeking, stealing, and killing WHOMEVER..... ANYONE that he can and may destroy. He is full of 😈 Evil, Manipulation, Jealousy, Envy, Strife, Combat, Rage, Lies, Control, ect... anyone WHO MAKES THE CHOICE to become a Narcissist take on all if these Evil and Hideous Traits... and they should not been seen as (people who are not BAD) MEANWHILE.... those who have suffered abuse possibly even worse than the Narcissist yet becided to still remain full of hope, compassion, and care wanting love ❤ from childhood abuse or just in general should NEVER be seen as a Narcissist. Gullible? Yes... Naive? Sure... Unaware? Absolutely... but, Narcissist? NO WAY. God has remained full of love ❤ towards us regardless of even our own mistakes... he doesn't and has never cone into anyone's life who has decided to except him in to control, manipulate, cheat on, gaslight, and destroy anyone in anyway whatsoever yet he absolutely knows what pain, suffering, and heartache is. He was not accepted by his own family either. But, clearly... he was a man of many sorrows. After losing his Earthly Father, and spending time in Isolation with his Heavenly Father he had so much power, authority, and needed know validation from anyone. (Satan wants praise, validation, and will destroy to have it) and not feeling Superior and having a need to BE and act upon it is what made him this way. He will never repent, admit he is wrong, or change his evil ways... (Just as NARCS won't either) God is to be our example of how to live and how to be. We can experience hurt and pain without all I wing it to destroy us. We can rise above it and still remain full of greatness in many ways. Wanting voids filled (or validation that we are ok) in no way makes us Narcisstic. Narcissism is a Demonic/Satanic Spirit in Human Form that the vessel it lives in has DECIDED TO EMBRACE. We are surely living in the last days abd we must truly be careful not to call what is Truly Evil... Good and.... whatever is Good... EVIL. We also must not confuse the two... The Wheat and the Tares may look the same but CLEARLY THEY ARE NOT. That's why God will do the Separating as he is right now. Being Gullible, Naive, Soft, Tender, Compassionate, or even Affectionate is wrong or Sinful. Taking advantage of ppl who are and are unaware certainly is tho... It's very BAD.
I married a narcissist ,entitled and always thought he was better than others .Slowly I realized that I had placed him on a pedestal because of his intellect but then I realized that I did have so much going for me , and got divorced after 20 years .I used to think he was so amazing , it is strange but now I have no feelings left for him .I can now live my life
Wow Im finding out so much about narcissism at this late age in my life! Now after hopefully surviving a narcissistic relationship of 10 years? Only to now find out I need to take part ownership & i may be this opposite polar one omg! One thing for sure no more relationships of any kind for me. I don't know how much real healing i can do at age 69. But thank you Kenny Weiss for this video.
Thanks Kenny. I am a four time learner and also a trauma survivor. I found your video insightful and helpful. I hope you will continue educating the public. You will help alot of people.
Spot on Kenny. It applies not just to narcissism, it applies to relationships and partnerships in general.. We want the benefits, want to control the future, and deny our own errors, weaknesses and faults. Narcissists are great people, they just can't live with me; I'm too self centred. Thanks for your honest explanation, it is true for me. 👍👍👍
Love this! So true and I am so glad to hear you say it. After 10 years of being single, celibate and therapies to death, the first person I met in a brand new town was the biggest abuser around. Thank goodness my therapy kicked in and I was able come out of that job ( he was my boss) unscathed. I spotted him first thing and as he would abuse me at work I would come home and work on me. I didn't enjoy what I went through, but I came out so much stronger! Thank you for this video.
I agree. There are people out there who seem to be addicted to being abused. When a therapist tells them how to get out they don't cooperate. They just complain. But there are also victims who hate being abused and get out as soon as possible, only to find they have visible PTSD symptoms that make them a magnate for abusers. You can't lump everyone in the same category.
This really resonates with me. It's like you've articulated something that I've long suspected subconsciously, but not actually allowed myself to analyse consciously. And it explains so much. Wow. Thank you.
Thank you for this video I am guilty of all these things. I am definitely gonna get your book. Narcissists really make you feel like you are the worst person and nothing you do is right. She’s made my life a living hell the past 2 years. I did think I could fix her from all the trauma and she has a lot like world of hurt and pain. Even when I joke and tell her to have a little fun or be a little silly with me. She finds a way to twist it and say Im calling her uptight or boring. Not a day goes by without being accused. She uses her emotions to get what she wants. She even told me she’s petty towards me when she feels hurt but the thing is she’s hurt 24/7. Trying to communicate and understand her was just full of her accusing me of only seeing bad in her. I know I was gentle and kind with my words and even admitted to my wrongs as well. This is only the tip of the tall iceberg with her. I understand I have an anxious attachment style and I know I had an abusive father and didn’t get my needs met as a child. I was beaten for speaking up, bullied and picked on. No one was available to me to teach me how to regulate my emotions and comfort me when I was down or sad. Never heard an I love or you did great or even happy birthday.
U dont have to keep accepting and participating in a relationship with a person who hurts you every day. Theres a better way! You deserve happiness and loving nurturing. You now have adult choices open to you.
My brother and I were raised to people please, care about what others think, and to believe our feelings dont matter. I married a narc then had kids with a different narc. My brother is married to a narc. I realize I am programmed to be “nice” even when its totally inappropriate. I have worked on my codependency and have been single for years. I am still working on being “too nice” to people, saying no, getting angry when it’s appropriate and enforcing boundaries. Its been difficult for sure.
OMG, you just described me and my life, and how me and my brother was raised by a single mum, who was very nice and kind hearted, as a child I saw how people took advantage of my kind mother, she is 82 and still is like that, Me and my brother both were married to Narcs, like you I am also single for years now after I left and divorce my Narc, now I'm trying to keep my circle small, avoid people who want to take advantage of me, like you said It's been difficult for sure.
This! I can totally relate to this comment. Exactly how I was raised. At 59 I finally have some boundaries. I can sometimes stand up for myself and you know what? It feels great!! I say sometimes because I still feel a pang of guilt when I assert myself and I get pull back. But I'm working on it! Good luck to you!
Ditto--single mother, she was raised by wolves and handed down the same lessons--never make waves, cause no harm no matter what, Also because my drunk assed father would beat the shit out of any problem that entered his view.
You're an adult child of an alcoholic. This also covers people with problematic childhoods. I realized after my last relationship with a narc and then looking at me, that there were behaviors and beliefs instilled during childhood.
Same. Eliminate your feelings, worry about others first. My life as a child and young adult was awful.
This is so true I accepted bad behavior and red flags at the beginning. This guy was so charming. He told on himself several times .... just listen and you will know right away.
Yup. Our own 1st red flag lol
You are 100% right!
What exactly do you really mean by”Tell on himself”
@@AmaraOhaji there are always “tells”… you just have to learn how to spot them
Yes it's true how they are not only always telling on themselves, but showing you who they really are (behind slips in their mask) and what they've done or going to do.
I am a daughter of a narcissist. Having a mother like this is a nightmare. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. No contact was the only option I could take in order for me to have peace. Thanks for this video!
You’re welcome
Oh sweetie ! Same. She just passed away from Covid and I had said my goodbyes years ago..but then out come the flying monkeys. It brought back all that powerless and pain from my childhood and I'm honestly not coping well.
@@cherihedgepeth9582 💜💜
@@cherihedgepeth9582 Thank you fir reading and understanding what I am talking about. I understand your pain too. It took me a long time to cope and eventually I realized how more peaceful it is without all their manipulation, evil speaking, and kind ways. I say hello if I see them and that's all they get from me. Everyone is different on how they handle things. I hope things get better for you. Have a Blessed Day, 🙂
@@Being_Bohemian Thanks🙂
“We chase narcissists so we don’t have to deal with our unsolved childhood pain.”- my therapist said this to me in our last session. Now working on addressing my childhood trauma. 😔❤ Thank you 🙏🏾
We do not chase Narcissists. Narcissists chase. I have never seen so many in my life. And know this, therapists can be narcs too! I have been to a few:::
We just do-not know who they are until they show themselves! Some are Overt and it can be years b4 you realize who they are…. Love is blind is a true statement. Your mind cant see what the heart won’t let it….until it does… then RUN!
Oh yes- stems back to early early childhood!!! It’s all about “programs n perceptions “! Auto pilot!!!
Conditioning like we were trained puppies!!!
We have to be “brave enough” to seek the truth!!!
I like this. My mother was a narcissist so the behavior was normal to me. It has taken me a long time to identify how her behavior groomed me to accept this in other people. Ive done a lot of work to overcome this. I may be alone for the rest of my life but i will never accept a narcissist in my life again.
me too, totally same
Thank you for that , I too am forever dealing with trauma for that same reason , like a co dependent chain around your heart .stiffening smothering mothering abuses.
Same here, single 10 years now.
me too❤ hugs❤
Having a mom for a narcissist is the worst because your normal is so dysfunctional
It's not always a massive child trauma. Some were golden children, entitled and held high by their parents. The trauma comes from realizing they are not to the rest of the world who they were to their parents.
Yes my brother he was a golden boy, now he expected the same treatment from his woman, very bad behaviour his very mummy's boy.
I very agree here
An ex of mine was the blue eyed boy and believed he was entitled to be seen like this by everyone
Well said
Exactly my soon to be ex husband! He could do no wrong
It's amazing to me EVERY (unaware) victim thinks it's a good strategy to scream and point fingers, they are the narcissist playing pretent ... the agressive victim is impossible to fix
Everyone attracts them but only people with poor boundaries hang out with them.
This is so true … he pushed every boundary I had.
And I got super frustrated with his inability to respect that
I totally agree
14:40 #1 We know, but we ignore it.
15:00 #2 We think we can fix them.
16:16 #3 We want to figure them out.
17:00 #4 We try to control their actions.
17:40 #5 We try to become whatever they want.
20:10 #6 We keep going back to them, but we keep blaming them.
#7 We play the victim and blame.
24:30 You cannot be blamed for something you were not even aware of. Not until you learned about it.
-------------
But you must take responsibility ("ignorantia juris non excusat" - Latin for "ignorance of the law excuses not")
Thank you.
That's very political indeed. We are learning to overcome oligarchy or plenoïa.
You may try and hood wink people with your ' marvellous Latin ', but you are missing a major point and that is Love , and that is why the person wanting the abuser to be better , kinder, non violent etc.etc. You idiot. You cannot change a Narcissist and you have said that.
#8 The type represents familiarity to what we grew up with. So we are comfortable to be back with the abuse.
@Robert Dusek: Thanks for providing this summary!…with time stamps, even!! 😁 As I look at your helpful / accurate summary, it makes me think that the video is mistitiled-it’s really about “7 ways to either enable or mal-adapt to a narcissist”. But that’s not a catchy title 😅 I can only recall one real “reason” we are attracted to, and therefore also attracting, narcissists: namely, we are narcissists ourselves, but from the “under-powered” (victim) side of the power dynamic. Going one level deeper: because we suffered childhood trauma (even though most are too detached from reality to be aware and/or be in recovery).
Every point you made is absolutely spot on
Darn.. I knew it. I thought I'm just an empath, that's why I attracted narcissists, but deep inside, I had this feeling that I had some narcissistic traits in me, that's why I attracted them. You're right Kenny, we were definitely aware that they were walking red flags and can sense it by just their picture, but I thought it was just a plain attraction, but it wasn't.
Somewhere in between narcissism and empathy, there's something called co-dependency. This category has a 50% empathy and 50% narcissistic traits. I thought to myself that I attracted my narcissistic ex because I was an empath...but later I was so shocked to know that I was a co-dependent all my life...when you heal from your co-dependency, you become an empath...
@@Firdouse3737 You were always an empath. When you healed from your codependency you uncovered it.
I firmly believe I struggle with codependency too. I’m a man in my mid-30s. A few years back I was in a platonic friendship with a woman who is a narcissist. I didn’t realize it until after I ended the friendship. Since then I’ve been determined to figure out my codependency traits. Kenny’s channel has been extremely helpful for this journey I’m on.
Wow! I always suspected that I was also a narcissist dating a narcissist but then all we hear from everyone is that if he is a narcissist you are a victim. This is the first time you pointed that I wasn’t a victim I was a narcissistic abuser as well. Under-empowered one. This is the first time I hear it from someone and not just “suspecting it myself”. Thank you so much for this “different” approach. Ownership is powerful
I see the same in myself! Most everything we really dislike in another person is a reflection of what we can't stand in ourselves I've learned! And being selfish would trigger me like nobody's business till I realized just how selfish I could be and started to recognize him playing the victim REALLY PISSED ME OFF THEN A LIGHT BULB WENT OFF!!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING WHEN I WAS POUTING TO SOMEONE ABOUT HOW BAD I WAS TREATED? YUP THAT VICTIM BS I HATED SO MUCH WHEN HE DID IT! NOW I WAS NEVER PHYSICALLY ABUSED MAINLY CAUSE I FIGHT BACK AND AINT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! AND TALK SO MUCH $HIT THAT IT REALLY MAKES PEOPLE THINK TWICE BEFORE THEY MAKE A MOVE! BUT ONCE I DID THAT SHADOW WORK AND IT CAME TO ME I STOPPED PLAYING THE VICTIM AND STARTED TRYING TO REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW THE MIND WILL KEEP YOU MESSED UP IF YOU DON'T WORK AT GETTING THOSE SUBCONSCIOUS THOUGHTS OUTTA THERE! ITS A WONDERFUL THING TO LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO SEE YOUR OWN FLAWS AND BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO ADDRESS THEM!
Yup I actually picked up narc traits from childhood. And that's not actually who I am . I mask a lot when I'm stressed. But when I'm doing good I act like my real empathic self .
It is my personal belief that those of us who attract "challenging" personalities into our lives do so not simply to relive the childhood trauma but to relive it in order to heal it. Just like playing video games. You will not "graduate" from the existing level until you solve it. Some of us solve/graduate/heal ourselves in the first challenging relationship while for others it takes multiple "tries", such as multiple marriages, etc. before we finally recognize the pattern and do something about it.
I agree. I call it the worst day cycle and wrote about it in my book. I also have a playlist that describes the dynamic and why we relive the pain until we heal it.
This is such an insightful analogy, and way of looking at this journey, and I think you've hit the nail on the head. What you've suggested is also empowering and a message of hope. Thank you very much for sharing it.
@@Being_Bohemian you’re welcome. I hope you check out my book and my playlist to get a deeper understanding of how it works.
I fully believe this as well. At a young age I had a dream that I found myself to still live out over decades.
Those people you talk of are the people who know themselves and are living a happy/healthy life. They realise immediately that they are in a toxic relationship and do not allow themselves to ignore the ‘red flags’
The ones who continue to ignore are the traumatised ones
Kenny, your an empath. It's a defense mechanism of a young child to read a person as not to piss off an explosive parent or other during or just before a rage episode. I know this because I'm also an empath.
Being a empath is a curse! Bad thing! Normal is more centered!
@@SheTraxter needing to be an empath for survival because you were unlucky to be in an abusive family is the true curse! Being an empath is a choice!
@@frodobaggins169 it’s not a choice! Like the narcissist we all reacted to abuse differently and some of us just felt no self worth or devalued and we either became grandiose or doormats in relationships and both can’t handle abandonment and rejection at all. The narcissist lashes out if they feel rejection coming and discard you in the worst way, while we empaths take rejection personally hard and blame ourself and stay traumatized for years, while the cold hearted narcissist moves on fast to their next supply of admiration attention they seek!
Stop calling people empaths. That’s part of the nonsense.
@@artandculture5262 agreed. Empaths are not a thing, like you are a plumber or an electrician. People are empathic to various degrees. Some highly some not so much.
I’ve married 2 coverts and 1 malignant- when I say I attract narcs - I mean it. Ready to stop this brutal cycle!
My GOD
I will be your third I'm an empath x
I too have had 2 covert and 1 malignant. Having The last malignant helped me realize the other 2 were narcs as well.
It matters not if you attract narcissists, it most definitely does matter if YOU are attracted to narcissists. Heal yourself, heal the whirled!
Carie learning ways to control your codependency is a good first step but your like me. I can sit in a bar or anywhere for that matter and it's like I have a magnet in my pocket and all I'm doing is sitting there. Look around on RUclips about codependents body language. Yes we put off a certain body language without even knowing it. Sam vacknin talked about it briefly but there's another youtuber that talks about it more but i cant remember who it was. I'm relearning how to walk, sit, talk, eye contact and everything. I believe its helping.
I am impressed. It takes a strong person to admit the responsibility in a narcissistic relationship. Thank you. You are helping so many people by showing your own example of facing painful truths about yourself. And that’s another powerful thing: not just opening up to yourself but sharing it with others. It takes courage. Takes guts. Thank you, Kenny🙏🏻
I sent this video to my therapist. I'm totally exploring my under empowered narcissistic traits 😢🎉
I married a narcissist, and was forced to co-parent with him…and ever since my daughter and I finally got rid of him, I’ve been educating myself on the subject! Anytime I spot a red flag, I end it, immediately! Unfortunately, NOBODY TEACHES US HOW TO END THE CYCLE OF ATTRACTION.
Thank you for this video!
I think you can end the cycle of attracting narcissists into your life once you heal from your co-dependency and become an empath...one of the main traits of empaths is that they are not Materialistic and they don't depend on people for happiness. Empaths love nature and lead a very simple lifestyle...I think once we heal from our co-dependency and become empaths ourselves, that's when we will value empathic human beings and recognise and attract them into our lives...
Spot on. After 40 years of trying to Insist on a perfect marriage, I realize that I was the bigger part of the problem. I didn’t acknowledge that they were constantly telling me who they were. I didn’t own that my choices were my problem. I kept myself the victim. I’m out now, And I watch closely what’s going on in my head when I think I’m attracted to another. And I consciously look for red flags. Amazing what you see when you step back and look.
Beautifully said
"Step back and look" - a needed skill for life. Our emotional needs can drive us to dive into relationships then comes the concrete landing. To learn to observe your own emotions, reactions is priceless but can take many of us too many years to get it but then we really can learn about forgiveness, especially for ourselves.
I'm an introvert - the benefit of being one for me is that I am observant.
When we think we're in love we ignore the red flags. You have learned a valuable lesson but everyone has their faults so discriminate carefully so that you don't discard someone who even though faulty, may not be a narcissist.
I have done tons of work in myself. I still keep attracting them at age 73, males and females But I identify them quickly.
I attracted a second narcissist a year after I dated a malignant and majorly abusive one. The funny thing is, the first one I could spot a mile away. He was very charming but as soon as our first date I felt something was “off”. All my alarm bells were ringing and telling me to RUN. I never felt safe with him, yet was intrigued by him. He sprinkled in layers of abuse, it was like peeling an onion, until it got extremely verbally and sometimes physically abusive. When I would finally get worked up or defend myself (I’m naturally a pretty calm person) he would try to go “whoa look at you, you’re acting crazy! Who’s the crazy one?” Unfortunately for him he liked intelligent women, so I knew what he was doing. The second one I don’t think is a full blown narcissist, but he has major narcissistic qualities. It’s a spectrum, right? This one I actually developed feelings for. I didn’t even realize what he was doing during the relationship was classic narcissistic abuse like putting my on a pedestal, idolizing me, telling me he loved me a month into the relationship, then started to devalue me. He would criticize me over the smallest and dumbest things and would even body shame me with the excuse of “pushing me to be better”Nothing was ever enough for him. He pretended he wanted a relationship to get me close, then as soon as he got me he would claim he’s morally superior than most men because he’s “honest” about how men think in wanting to sleep around. For some reason due to my lack of self esteem I suppose and my attachment to him, I chose to stay his friend. I’m realizing now how I attracted almost the same person but a wolf in sheeps clothing. The funny thing is, i know EXACTLY how I didn’t feel safe with either of them, but ignored it. I’m never ignoring my intuition or disrespecting myself again.
Wowww thank you for sharing...your story is literally mines. Was with 1 for 7 years then got into another one 4 months after ending the first one. I felt things were off too but kept lying to myself and now I'm paying for it 😢
L 2:08 2:08 2:08
I was married to 2 of them as well! I’m done with relationships! This last one broke the machine. I have learned so much about myself and personality disorders in general. I’m now free from all of this dysfunction and I’m in school to get my masters in psychology to help others that may be suffering from the same abuse and neglect! Happy New Year - I feel like a new person and I am more than a survivor-I’m a conqueror!! NarcNoMore!!
Narc no more, narc no more!! I wish you (me) a happy and narc-free year (AND life), cheers
I think we in a same page.. Im 100% positively happy after divorce narsistic and now im further my studies and learn a lot about people behaviour
@@alishaannasafiyyah8387 that is awesome news! I love hearing success stories like this! Keep it up, sister & keep me posted!! 😎
Reframing the codependent as the Under-empowered narcissist is a welcomed perspective. My under-empowerment made me blind. I've had to learn to protect myself by learning to recognize the Over-empowered narcissist, Learning about my own under-empowerment is how I'm learning to thrive.
Your example about hockey sounds a lot like my relationship to artwork. I was tempted to blame the over-empowered narcissistic, but now I thank him.
This is very true. We're all narcissistic, it's our job to keep that narcissism low on the Richter scale.
Thank you! 🙏 At a certain point, you’re in an abusive relationship - with yourself - just by accepting the dynamic and continuing the relationship.
Yeah spot on we are!!! I have strong boundaries now after counseling! It’s helped me a lot.
Very true!
Exactly.
Great comment! ‘In an abusive relationship with yourself’ yes!
I made a lot of progress when I started realising I had an ‘inner bully’ - the internalisation of how I had been bullied & was now doing to myself.
well said
If you feel like you’ve always known him/her ~ run like hell! And ouch! This is really a wake up to reality. I just ended a friend relationship with a narcissist. And proud of myself because not too long ago I wouldn’t have and would try to ‘fix’ an unfixable relationship. I have listened to this twice now. It’s really hitting home.
Hello Diana
How are you doing today?
Also I went through massive trauma and abuse as a child but I did not become a crazy narcissist. I was trained to make others happy by abandoning my true thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
My ex seemed like the safest, most fun and kind human. He ended up being the most evil person I ever met. Especially when we became rich and successful 9 years within our relationship.
Proverbs talk about a persons true character is revealed when they experience fame and success.
I would rather eat noodles and smoothies for the rest of my life than ever be with him again.
That is what ended our relationship. I wanted heart he wanted a dog he could train.
He was not sexy at all! He was, “safe and, kind.”
I wanted a good boy.
He seemed that.
He was anything but.
Sorry you went through that. But you are free and safe now. Never has to happen again.
The X I know should join community theatre. Fantastic actor = deceiver.
I’m not a narc. Destroyed, eviscerated by one. I never knew people could be so disgusting and evil.
This also happened with me. When someone gets money they show who they truly are. For my husband it is a god. For me it is a curse… in the book of James it is loud and clear. Like the book of Ecclesiastes… “there is nothing new under the sun” WOW just how accurate that is
I literally told myself… I had to play a part in attracting a narcissist man and we both have something in common. But I’m so happy I researched this topic. It’s mind blowing
Wow.... oh Wow. A new revelation for me
This guy is a Genius. I have a similar job to him been in this field for years always more to learn and I have learnt a lot from this guy. I am both the over powered and underpowered narcissist, both sides. He read my mind without reading my mind. Incredible!
I’ve never watched a better narcissistic abuse video. It said what I already knew, I knew what she was and I stayed. The hardest thing was to try an forgive myself for overlooking so many red flags. I blamed myself but not nearly enough.
If it were me, I would encourage you not to blame yourself. None of us are taught these deep, intricate relationship dynamics. All of us are just doing the best we can with the information we have at the time. Sure you had good feelings, but no one had taught you what all of that means. So thank God for the Narcissist because you decided to go learn and grow, and now you are aware. 👏👌
Blamed yourself? You are not guilty in anything. But you are responsible for your life and choices. There IS a difference. If you take responsibility you are not guilty, you are healing yourself and solving a problem. If are you blaming yourself, you are harming yourself (splitting your personality by not accepting parts of yourself) and draining your energy instead of solving a problem
All my friends tried to tell me about the red flags but I was unable to see them. He was "strong" and able to get me out of my unhealthy family. Out of the frying pan.....and into the fire.
I saw the red flags but felt guilty I saw them…it’s a problem I don’t know if I have overcome.
I grew up with a narcissistic parent…this was my comfort level, and I felt I didn’t deserve better. I married 2 narcs, and had a relationship with a NPD man who almost killed me. 7 years after I left he is still stalking me and attempting to get back in my life.
You don't need to have gone thru childhood trauma yourself to be taken in by a narcissist. Literally anyone can at some stage in their life be pulled in by a narcissist at least for a time as they are incredibly gifted at being narcissistic. Be gracious on yourself and keep educating yourself.
Spot on. I also take issue with so-called sobriety experts who say addiction can be traced back to trauma. I didn't have a traumatic childhood I simply have narc family and loved to party
I agree I didn’t have any childhood trauma..
Exactly. This guy lacks soooo much theory and practice. There is so much serious info explaining how someone develops NPD, and how anyone can become victim, that is horrific to see this man dis-informing the public.
I Totally Agree With this!! Decent Honest People can be “Fooled!”..Lied to! Deceived!..By a Seducing Narcissist!! We just weren’t AWARE of these Types of Personalities!! They should teach About these Destructive Personalities in School So We can be Alerted & Aware to Stay Away from them!!🙏🙏🙏🚫👿😈💔
Completely agree! I did not have childhood trauma. I am early child teacher and I am educated on this. I did not want to be with the narcissist (now happily divorced) many factors came into this. I take responsibility for myself by getting the heck away.
Yep, after a string of dreadful partners, you have to look at the pattern, admit your part in it, and do something to change it.
As an aside, Kenny, you are by far the best dressed person talking about narcissism on the net. That pocket square is a work of art.
You are amazing and this one video out of all the videos I've watched since discovering 3 months ago that I am engaged to a narcissist; has dotted all the i's and crossed all the T's for me! After watching video after video I began to relate to narcissistic behavior that I was displaying towards my fiance. I couldn't connect all the dots because I was too busy being the victim. This video confirmed that I myself am a narcissist and have been trying to right my wrongs by acknowledging something on my end wasn't right without realizing the real role i have been playing in my heartache and misery. Now I have been very aware that everything that has happened in my relationship has only happened because I have allowed it to. I just asked a friend to tell me about myself so I can help myself bc I couldn't figure out why I continue to attract emotional and physically abusive men. Thank you for answering the question that can help me in discovering who I truly am! Maybe now I can find my own happiness instead of my happiness based on the person I love. Thank you truly! This has been such an aha moment for me! Please excuse my babbling. 🙃💃
I believe no one really had a perfect childhood it’s just the degree to which one was affected that determines what one becomes in our adult selves🙏
Some women were not trained or educated to to assume the worst of a person. If you learn to be a caretaker you get taken advantage of until you learn its not your responsibility. You logically expect them to take care of you until they dont. You have to walk into a relationship with complete suspicion on another's motives. Re repeat of childhood trauma... Emotionally Unavailable people may be the "trauma" that gets repeated
Yes, maybe that's it. The trauma could be emotional unavailability we suffered and could have formed an addiction.
Yes so true. Raised as a caregiver ...but once I came out of it I seen how much I put myself last. It was kinda embarrassing & unbelievable. U really can't see it until uve taken yourself out the pic
Thank you, this is the most helpful video about narcissism I have watched. I am finding it difficult in support groups how everyone seems to think they are the victim of a narcissist, but no one is looking in the mirror- to move on, we have to look at the common denominator of all past relationships which is… the self 🫣 and the hardest thing to admit is our role in the problem. Painful but necessary.
go easy on yourself - you're not to blame when you don't know what it is you're contributing - all it means that in your ignorance some of the things you do or are contribute - it's not a blame game at any stage.
In 2022 therapists often are so careful about "victim blaming", that they err by not addressing what I'd call accountability of the victim for their parts, not to shame or blame, but to learn about reactions, attractions and how to change the patterns.
@@joywebster2678 Depends on your age when targeted by the narcisist. At what age do we start to blame ourselves? I am not sure blame is important in any sort of healing really. Things just happen.
@@wheelchairgeek re read what I wrote.
True, needed to know how to break the old patterns and trust in our own inner guidance and compass for future relationships and encounters.
I'm writing my book, not to shit on the narcissist, but to help others, much like you're doing. In the process of helping others, I heal my childhood.
I have been so devastated and broken from a narcissistic. I’m not a narcissistic at all, I refer to myself an empath. I’m very drawn to wanting to warn women, men and help others. The damage was absolutely devastating, how the narcissistic looks in the mirror is beyond me. I’m very ready to write, do a series, something to share…. I was 100% a victim. I will always own any of my wrong thinking or doing. Want to do a series?
Omg 😱, this hit home for me! During the first date with my husband, I saw a deep darkness in his eyes and felt for a split second that “this isn’t gonna end well. He has darkness in his heart”… but we still let the relationship continue! Such a waste of time cuz I didn’t listen to the Holy Spirit! But I’m happy now since I’ve gained knowledge so that’s says a lot
Best analysis of narcissism I’ve ever come across!
Not all narcissists are created by trauma. Some are raised as the so-called 'golden child's, which was precisely the case with my narcissistic husband. It led to me being controlled frantically by him fir decades. He just NOT and can NOT accept a no from ANYONE. He simply MUST have his way. Right down to telling you how you feel, what you hear, what you think, just about EVERYTHING. I on the other hand though, have indeed suffered childhood trauma. Which is where you are ABSOLUTELY right...I WAS drawn to to him because of my childhood injury.
I have come to the point where I take responsibility for the part that I have been playing in the marriage around 2-3 years ago. I had to mourn what I have done by allowing him to do these things to me. I am now focused on holding myself accountable for what I allow out of sheer desperation of acceptance and love.
Thank you for this video.
Being spoiled and "the golden child" is horrific abuse. What is so horrifying to me is that our culture is so undereducated about healthy parenting we believe being spoiled is love. In fact, it creates narcissists and so now you have a society and culture that has joined in with the narcissist parent to protect them. That level detachment from reality and the dual manuipulation all done covertly is more detrimental than direct abuse.
Thank You🙏🏼. Middle child and I have two golden children narcs in the family. One on each side.
Part of my childhood drama was that it was drilled into my head that it did not matter what my older siblings did to me, they were older and I had to mind them. I finally realized as an older adult that I let people run over me because I was trained to be submissive and think my feelings did not matter because I was the youngest. Birth order creates narcissist.
Yes, is it's true. My first husband literally had an almost perfect childhood. He was also taught by his own admission to 'think rather a lot' of himself. He told me that. I think that was really this issue. He also admitted to deliberately going out to find a young girl that he could control. It's harsh but it's the truth. He only admitted these things once the relationship was well and truly over and I was married with kids to someone else.
Man, you are on the money!! I say take responsibility and run away from those types of people and run toward healing yourself and not toward people that are emotionally abusive. Stop trying to help/heal them, because more than likely they will stay sick and you will too if you keep selecting that type. Mr. Weiss, you have spoken the truth!!
Hello Vanessa
How are you doing today/
@@harrygeorge3220 Hey, Mr. HarryGeorge740, I doing good as long as I stay away from the Narcissist. How are you doing?
@@vanessahemingway8374 Glad to hear
I'm good thanks for asking
@@vanessahemingway8374 Where are you texting from?
@@harrygeorge3220 We both agree with the Narcissist video, and that is good enough. Bye.
I'm angry with myself for getting involved with yet another narc. And you are right - we give them permission, our trust and our power.
This is the 2nd time for me…
And it hurts a lot to be so forgiving of all their shit and in turn if you fall out of line - it’s over in a few minutes.
Absolutely true with the attraction. I experienced this several times - in a room full of people, I can spot the woman with the trauma in a second as she is the one I would feel attracted to the most.
Thank you for this video. Far more constructive to break one’s own pattern of behaviour rather than focusing on the narcissist over whom one has no control.
Hello Vicky
How are you doing today?
I agree with all of it. As you say, I knew something was not right from the beginning, but I had this crazy naïve idea: In my childhood my parents adopted an abused dog. The dog was angry and unfriendly to us, neighbors, and children. In about a year of being treated with love and respect, the dog completely changed and became very friendly and loving. This is what I imagined will happen to our relationship. If it just would be so simple.
I thought exactly the same. My parents took in every needy child, widowed adult ... I took that as modelling love and believed love would eventually conquer all things. I had to learn it was a bit more complicated than that.
Same. 😓
It didn't work that way.
I'm still grieving... 🙏🏻
I thought the same, that by loving him and doing every single thing for him, he will change, and be better, and then I realized that I fooled myself. I regret it so much…I just destroyed myself in the process.
We do like to save others. It's also a nice quality in other contexts.
@@Sara2016aSame here.
My goodness. I've been treating diagnosing my childhood trauma and learning about narcissists these last several years. Probably watch hundreds of videos and countless hours now of this topic. I'm only a third of the way into your video now and I've learned more and connected more dots in these few minutes then in the last several years. Thank you for this. I'm sure the rest of the video is going to melt what's left of my head right now.
First married a sociopath then married a Covert. It's been 43 years of torment but because of shows like yours, I've learned a lot and have a better understanding of it. At 70, it's a little late for me to start over.
Yes, and… my shrink says because of our background, we’ll pick another one, just like the last. She told me it’s best not to try. But? ? We only have so many tomorrows. I’m trying to truly heal so that I can enjoy whomever is part of my world. I don’t need a spouse right now, but a good friend would be fine.
@@victorkroud3642 That's how I feel as well. If I were free, I would hope for a good friend...don't need anything more at least until I'm healed, if that ever happens.
It’s NEVER too late. NEVER! 🙏❤️
I am starting over at 60. Cmon . Sooo much better than never realizing why.
@@geraldfriend256 Best wishes for a new beginning for you, Gerald.
Thank you for sharing the truth. I learned by doing the 12 Steps that I am not a victim, I am the other side of the same coin shared with narcs.
Of all the videos I've watched on this topic...this has been the most helpful of them all. We do have a part to play...and until we fully realize that we'll never heal and move on from experiencing these types of relationships in our lives.
So true. I am guilty of allowing this disrespectful behavior and once I focused on myself, I see so clearly now.
I learned that narcissists can't change, which I questioned because I was narcissist, and I changed. Of course, I was the under empowered kind, so this resonated with me.
I"m literally so confused by this comment. What do you mean?
She doesnt know
@@wheelchairgeekI think “under empowered” manifests as passive aggression?
This made me cry, it’s so scary the truth! Yes approval, love, to be hugged and see other couples have true love is what I’ve been searching for all my life. Tu for making this session and explaining! ❤️ I’m the under narcissist, no conflict, drama, can’t handle it! Yes, I’ve done everything you said! Yes, I went for help! God is good! But I still have to watch everyday that I don’t fall back the way I used to be. I want to be strong mentally. Tu very much
Hello Sara
How are you doing today?
Wow, this makes so much sense! I was the underempowered type. Have managed to mostly grow beyond that, but still learning and growing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom! ❤
the anger towards yourself will only work in the short run. In the long run a person may feel disconnected, lonely, missing the things that could have come but never came in fact. This brings us back to you so we can have infinite loop of your videos with no solution whatsoever.
Thank you so much. I feel like I had to watch thousands of RUclips hours just to finally find this answer! Those of us who have experienced deep child trauma can't see this blind spot. Stay stuck for years!!
Thank you!!!!! We don't know why there is suffering but if God allowed YOU to be who you are , so someone like me can be set free?
This was one of the most thoughtful and compassionate & hopeful videos I have seen. Thank you I think I have what I need to fully decide in my spirit that I no longer want to attract or engage with narcs. Because it's the loving thing to do for me & for them. ❤
I always knew I was attracted to two narcissists myself, and so something was my fault, but absolutely no one ever told me why. Thanks so very very much 💜
Too wild, I've come to these exact same conclusions recently (not alone, after years of therapy). We too proudly wear the "empath" label, thinking we're perfect, kind beings. Lately that hasn't been sitting right with me. "Stop manipulating from the underpowered position" you nailed it, that's a mirror I've only recently become ready to look into, but always knew on some level.
Hello Dear
How are you doing today?
OMG, Kenny Weiss.
Your talk hit me squarely.
So, so true! Thank you for your valuable lesson!
Narcissists are an odd codependent in that they can’t go it alone, they need an audience, admirer ie narcissistic supply, yet will dump you as soon as they find a new supply.
If you feel you are also a narcissist, a vulnerable one, and want to do the work … that’s one thing. (Koodos for that !) If you think this applies to every narcissistic or toxic relationship, that’s another thing. And unfortunately, it’s gaslighting.
I agree.
The guy giving the talk is a narcisist? Probably right there.
The absolute truth of this brought many tears but you can begin to repair once you realize what is broken - let the healing begin ❤
I was just telling my son the other day, I learned to ride a bike wrong and every bad relationship I had was just me relearning to ride the bike the right way.
I found out my husband was cheating on my after being together for 24 years. I was crushed and was such a victim. This video just changed my view. My healing and divorce will now allow me to come from an empowered state and not this victimhood that has led me to such a severely depressed and anxious state.
The key take away for me is that having been with a narc is 100% *on me.(see comment below). Recognizing this makes it impossible to continue hating, and blaming my ex-wife, and instead having compassion for her. That's not to say that I have continue giving into the patterns of abuse utilizing yellow rock/wall of pleasantness/D.E.E.P. when in her presence. I finally love myself, so hating another wont work since the hate pointing outward is only coming from hate pointing inward. Thank you Kenny, your talks on this subject have really helped ALOT, and rather quickly too :)
*(didnt use the word "fault" here* intentionally, since it was me who chose the way my childhood unfolded, neither was it for the abuser, anyways...listen to Robert Sapolskys talks on freewill for some more insight to thus and many other matters)
Enjoyed your content. I’m 46 and 47 in a month time. It was only until I turned 40, completely walked away from my family that was then I realise the root of problem and living a happier life ever since. Only wish I seek help earlier in life rather than undertaking many years of own self reflection to identify my issues. I’m glad that I always had a righteous and ethical (knowing what is right and wrong) mindset which made me who I’m today, if not I would have adopted a grandiose narcissist personality like my twin brother.
You’re very welcome and don’t be too hard on yourself. Because of how the brain develops, it’s very natural that most people will not seek help until mid life. I had to learn to forgive myself, and accept that we are always doing the best we can with the information we have. As we know more we can do more. 😁
@@kennyweiss Every day I feel a lot of guilt and ashamed for walking away from my family. At the same time I can’t let them back into my life for the sake of my mental health. Suffering from both excessive amount of anxiety and depression stopping me from doing simplest daily functions, never mind work related things.
@@SH976 I am about done with my fam after two brutal Xmases. I walked away from my best friend of 35 years, never looked back or regretted it. A good therapist will tell you to go ‘ no contact’ with family if the toxicity is too much. So do not feel guilty.I can not get any respect, empathy or accountability from them, never will. Not a well for wishing into.We do what we must to thrive.
massively helpful. Just left a relationship that was moderately narcissistic in both parties. The feeling of being "needed by" and "needing" someone are equally powerful and addictive but ultimately damaging. We both had too much going on in the background to share real intimacy and love on a deep stable level. Hope everyone is able to heal from their wounds and takes the hard path - to look at yourself and be a better person for whomever is next and mainly for your own well being. It hurts to leave someone you know is unwell and love, but it is worse to stay and fall further into the hole together. Wishing massive healing for all people on this crazy planet.
This is scarily true. I never have heard it "preached" this way. You're amazing.
Glad it was helpful!
i loved my Narcs. I had sooooo much fun but had to live on. I will be honest today i’m by myself and for some reason happier than ever. it honestly doesn’t make sense. I live by no contact and to stop being the victim. those wonderful sex night are better than the day to day but it’s not better than my peace. join the Narc free train to understand!
07:17 why did I pick this people? 10:16 we think we can fix him, we see those flaws 11:20 manipulate out 12:15 4°) 13:05 chameleon 15:44 we keep going back to them but we keep blaming them 17:43 mutual shared dysfunctions 21:18 we won't take ownership, we play the victim
@Kenny you are the man. You broke that down so well that there was absolutely no wriggle room to deny what I knew, but now fully understand.
I cannot thank you enough for this video. I'll rewatch it and take notes. You described me to a T. Early childhood trauma, I'm in my 40's, divorced after long, messed up marriage, jumped into a relationship with a hard-core narc and you described this dynamic perfectly. I could not figure out why I chose him. I did see red flags, but it was like moth to flame.
Hello Mary
How are you doing today?
Wow, this video blew me away! I've been studying about narcissist and trying to understand it but this video really brought home the truth...that I also played the other side of it all. I've always suspected this but everything I've heard before paints the narcissist as such a manipulative villain. This video really helped me understand why I have stayed so long in this relationship and how I am not a victim. THANK YOU!
Hello Holly
How are you doing today?
Ok WOW. I have been searching for this for years. You're absolutely correct. I have played the victim and made sure others knew I wasn't the problem when inside I knew I was also broken - yet couldn't quite articulate it. You do. We all point the finger, but we continue to choose them because we aren't healed ourselves. Things are starting to finally shift internally for me. Thank You!! 🙏
Hello Karen
How are you doing today?
I remember a good life when growing up but surely our family of 9 were dysfunctional. Being in a large family has its drawbacks. I knew I was loved by my parents but never actually felt love until Jesus saved me. His love filled my heart. My desire to seek out what normal was brought me to Gods word. If you learn to live by it your life changes for the better. He changes us from the inside out. No matter what you have gone through, Jesus is able to heal our wounds if we yield to Him in living a godly life. We can’t fix others but we can change ourselves with the help of our creator.
I was raise in a large family also, only JESUS 😊 YOU ARE right✝️❤️
Yes in my experience I have ignored my intuition and red flags because I could not believe I was right. Had to go through the awful experiences first to believe in myself. Happy to have made it out time and time again. No more captain save a ho.
I agree with this dynamic, I have been devastated by picking narcissists. I've never been attracted to someone who isn't one.
Ever heard the saying, you cannot see the wood for the trees, well once you move away from all the abuse, you finally get the chance to put the full puzzle together. You distance yourself from toxix people and with many go no contact, you finally see your worth and start to only let in good people. I can spot them far better now after doing the inner work but it takes time, thank you for this video, it really helped.
This is literally the most helpful video I've ever come across after almost going insane for the 5th time or so of attracting another narcissist..God I am so grateful for you and this video and the internet. I knew I had narcissistic qualities and honestly I never ever gave it much thought that my own parents are indeed the reason why I am this way. I even thought "no I had a great childhood", had to deeply reflect and see that you're right and it was because of their own trauma as well.
I'm so sorry you had to go through everything you went through, I'm 27 now and seriously it's all finally clicking. The damage of trying to form a relationship with multiple narcissists and not realizing exactly why I was doing that is being resolved right now though, seriously thank you so, so much. 🥺😭💖
Same I will be turning 27 and you just described my life
Can't thank you enough Mr.Kenny. i laughted out loud when I found I was at exactly at the same place like yours..leaving many things for the Narcissist,going behind them..chasing them.I am now relieved that I found the the root cause of my insane behaviour and why I suffered why I got attracted to the Narcissist. Thanks once again from the bottom of my heart. God bless you today and always
I was in a relationship with a narcissist, for seven years in an out relationship. It took me eight years to recover from it. Thank you for your compassion and your kind words. I can actually say now that I am free.
What did you do to recover ? Xx
Just got out of 4 years relationship, looking back at it,I cant believe I was so oblivious to the signs.
I guess I was hoping to understand or "fix" her in time, but as soon as I started to realise how she really is and she doesnt want to even acknowledge,let alone work on some of her issues,she made my life living hell.
Gaslighting me,and my friends,family, being so manipulative I couldnt believe she is the same person I allmost married.
I hope it takes me less than 4 years to heal, and I am frankly quite scared of being alone in this crazy world, i felt so good by her side,well at least for the first period...
I find you have a more realistic and holistic view of the narcissistic relationship. I have listened to hundreds of videos on this subject, by now, I am sure, and always I was left wondering ``what about me''? What was my role in this? I know I am not perfect, and I know about my childhood trauma. And I have spent decades trying to understand it all - analysing, reading, counselling, studying, etc. Trying to figure out what the heck is going on here?. I am an intelligent, can do kind of gal - always doing her best. Why was that not enough? I find it refreshing to hear you speak.
Thank you I’m happy that it helped you😁
Thank you for your unique perspective. It is about self-pity. We all tend to reject the light to some degree. The more I heal myself from childhood trauma, the more I appreciate my imperfect parents’ sacrifices, wisdom, and care. I can better discern what true love is day by day. Once I get rid of my self-pity, I can focus on becoming a better version of myself while not yielding to the “power” of Nass or being distracted by nass. anymore. Love ❤
Well said!
You are so raw-ly honest. You're a beautiful man person. Thank you
I appreciate that
This is so confronting. But in a good way. The bit that got me the most is when you said that the empath narcissist completely changes in to the person that their partner ( the narcissist) wants them to be. When i broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years i was completly shatterd. I had to make my own discissions now. Didnt know who i was, what i liked, what i wanted to be. I was so addicted to somebody telling me what to do and who to be. It took me years to make up my own mind and i still have difficulties when it comes to making my own discissions. I chose to be alone for years so i could figure myself out. Its a hell of a ride, but so many beautifull things had happen since then. I met wonderfull people, made good and bad discissions. But i was allowed to fall, allowed to rise. But still im afraid to love, afraid to lose myself again.
Hello
How are you doing today?
I'm new to your channel. I've been involved with narcissists. The concept of taking responsibility for my part is tough but necessary. I'm grateful for you bringing that to light.
my immediate realization was just what you said. in looking back, the guilt and shame that comes from taking the ownership of the many red flags. for the false belief that all challenges can be overcome with a depth of love. the reality was it was a one way love. as narcissists are only in love with themselves.
As a narcissistic survivor of CPTSD and Cancer I have to thank you for your desire to help people understand narcissism. That said, as a psychotherapist myself I want to get away from pathologizing narcissism without understanding its social context and legacy. Narcissism is a cultural phenomena born of its foundation in which you rightly gave reference, trauma! As early on as we accepted monetary currency as the litmus test of "worth" we began the socialization of the masses towards the importance of narcissistic features as necessary for our very survival. We learned to envision a "those people" deemed as "unworthy of the rewards of the basic necessities of life. That grandiosity stems from our acquired fear of scarcity brought on in the chase of monetary rewards to have: food, shelter, without even being able to consider the need for safety (Maslows Hierarchy of Needs). Those who rise is status, wealth and power often have very strong narcissistic tendencies. Because they maintain the systemic structure of hierarchy, they are financially well rewarded. In understanding narcissism we have to consider how and why it developed, how it is maintained, and come to terms that its presence mirrors our need for a major systemic overhaul. Through apathetic indifference to this aspect of "narcissism" we inadvertently condone the human atrocities taking place all over the world that are sanctioned and maintained through reliance on systemic narcissistic overgrowth!
D A The Golden Child is a victim of abuse as well. They have learned to appease a narcissistic parent by accepting the expectations placed on him or her as the reflection of the parent... they live to serve the parents wishes and have no sense of themselves. These "Golden Children" are gold because they serve a purpose and robbed of their own. They have learned to do this many times to avoid the kind of abuse experienced by the "scapegoat" in the family. It is adaptive in the moment but it creates a feeling of emptiness and disconnection. They "perform" to gain the external validation that they have worth because they have been denied the right to feel and develop that on their own. In many ways, the "Golden Child" is more doomed to chasing assets and money (thus preserving the status quo) as they have been trained to seek outside justification of their worth while the "scapegoat" has a more visible difficult road to travel but his or her rebellion against the status quo creates and maintains the visionary survivor who "walks their talk"
Being of service. Caring. That makes you vulnerable to narcs. But you learn to hold your need to care for others if all they can do is take and bite the hands that feeds. Ingraciousness is the 1st sign of narcissism.
OMGSH! This is so true for me. You’re right!!😢 He was charming, and adored me. Now, not at all. Barely acknowledges me AT ALL!😢😰( 34 years married with 2 grown children ) Red flags….. sooooo true. Yes. Severely damaged.😢
I came from an entire family of narcs. A narcissistic cult. And I'm a super empath. I had to learn to trust myself again and that took over 10 years. I owned my part but I also gave myself grave for being fooled lied and tricked into a marriage. I felt some was off.
Wow!! You explained me to a Tee. And my relationships. I knew these men were broken & I felt my Love would change them. I did all 7 of the things you described. Because I am the one in the family that has always mended the broken relationships. My father told me years ago that, that was my role in the family. It never mattered about my feelings just as long as everyone else was taken care of. Thank You for Shining Light On This Subject… Because I’m ready to Heal.
You are so welcome
My sister and I were bought up in the same family.
She made a decision when she saw her friends being spoilt by their single Mums and spent most of her teens hanging out with self entitled brats.
As she's gotten older, her behaviour has gotten so much worse and she is constantly controlling, deluded in her own reality and refuses to take responsibility.
I made a decision to withdraw completely from her.....this last year.
It's been very hard but I know who she is and now she cannot break my heart ever again.
Good for you to make a CHOICE to move on, and not allow her to hurt you ever again, and even in pain until you heal.... you also seem to have made tge choice NOT TO BECOME A NARC. Since when has wanting ❤ love, acceptance, ect as a result of abuse... make someone a Narcissist??? So now there are no Empaths? Only 2 Narcs? One makes a choice to try and do good regardless of what may have happened, meanwhile the other takes on another personally to get through whatever they've dealt with, decided to remain that way and turn into an abuser who's abuse only gets worse with time, and they are both guilty of Narcissism??? These ppl have made a CHOICE to be be this way. Just as Satan has made a choice (in his mind) to be feel Superior to God. Satan goes around seeking, stealing, and killing WHOMEVER..... ANYONE that he can and may destroy. He is full of 😈 Evil, Manipulation, Jealousy, Envy, Strife, Combat, Rage, Lies, Control, ect... anyone WHO MAKES THE CHOICE to become a Narcissist take on all if these Evil and Hideous Traits... and they should not been seen as (people who are not BAD) MEANWHILE.... those who have suffered abuse possibly even worse than the Narcissist yet becided to still remain full of hope, compassion, and care wanting love ❤ from childhood abuse or just in general should NEVER be seen as a Narcissist. Gullible? Yes...
Naive? Sure... Unaware? Absolutely... but, Narcissist? NO WAY. God has remained full of love ❤ towards us regardless of even our own mistakes... he doesn't and has never cone into anyone's life who has decided to except him in to control, manipulate, cheat on, gaslight, and destroy anyone in anyway whatsoever yet he absolutely knows what pain, suffering, and heartache is. He was not accepted by his own family either. But, clearly... he was a man of many sorrows. After losing his Earthly Father, and spending time in Isolation with his Heavenly Father he had so much power, authority, and needed know validation from anyone. (Satan wants praise, validation, and will destroy to have it) and not feeling Superior and having a need to BE and act upon it is what made him this way. He will never repent, admit he is wrong, or change his evil ways... (Just as NARCS won't either) God is to be our example of how to live and how to be. We can experience hurt and pain without all I wing it to destroy us. We can rise above it and still remain full of greatness in many ways. Wanting voids filled (or validation that we are ok) in no way makes us Narcisstic. Narcissism is a Demonic/Satanic Spirit in Human Form that the vessel it lives in has DECIDED TO EMBRACE. We are surely living in the last days abd we must truly be careful not to call what is Truly Evil... Good and.... whatever is Good... EVIL. We also must not confuse the two... The Wheat and the Tares may look the same but CLEARLY THEY ARE NOT. That's why God will do the Separating as he is right now. Being Gullible, Naive, Soft, Tender, Compassionate, or even Affectionate is wrong or Sinful. Taking advantage of ppl who are and are unaware certainly is tho...
It's very BAD.
I married a narcissist ,entitled and always thought he was better than others .Slowly I realized that I had placed him on a pedestal because of his intellect but then I realized that I did have so much going for me , and got divorced after 20 years .I used to think he was so amazing , it is strange but now I have no feelings left for him .I can now live my life
Wow Im finding out so much about narcissism at this late age in my life! Now after hopefully surviving a narcissistic relationship of 10 years? Only to now find out I need to take part ownership & i may be this opposite polar one omg! One thing for sure no more relationships of any kind for me. I don't know how much real healing i can do at age 69. But thank you Kenny Weiss for this video.
Thanks Kenny. I am a four time learner and also a trauma survivor. I found your video insightful and helpful. I hope you will continue educating the public. You will help alot of people.
Spot on Kenny. It applies not just to narcissism, it applies to relationships and partnerships in general.. We want the benefits, want to control the future, and deny our own errors, weaknesses and faults. Narcissists are great people, they just can't live with me; I'm too self centred. Thanks for your honest explanation, it is true for me. 👍👍👍
Love this!
So true and I am so glad to hear you say it.
After 10 years of being single, celibate and therapies to death, the first person I met in a brand new town was the biggest abuser around. Thank goodness my therapy kicked in and I was able come out of that job ( he was my boss) unscathed. I spotted him first thing and as he would abuse me at work I would come home and work on me. I didn't enjoy what I went through, but I came out so much stronger!
Thank you for this video.
It’s totally normal to be attracted to the narcissist’s mask. Stop the victim blaming. It doesn’t help.
I agree. There are people out there who seem to be addicted to being abused. When a therapist tells them how to get out they don't cooperate. They just complain. But there are also victims who hate being abused and get out as soon as possible, only to find they have visible PTSD symptoms that make them a magnate for abusers. You can't lump everyone in the same category.
Concept of understanding Narcissist and having "empathy" for them is ENLIGHTENING!!
Narcissists are also GOLDEN children that are told they can do no wrong.
This really resonates with me. It's like you've articulated something that I've long suspected subconsciously, but not actually allowed myself to analyse consciously. And it explains so much. Wow. Thank you.
Wonderful!
Thank you for this video I am guilty of all these things. I am definitely gonna get your book. Narcissists really make you feel like you are the worst person and nothing you do is right. She’s made my life a living hell the past 2 years. I did think I could fix her from all the trauma and she has a lot like world of hurt and pain. Even when I joke and tell her to have a little fun or be a little silly with me. She finds a way to twist it and say Im calling her uptight or boring. Not a day goes by without being accused. She uses her emotions to get what she wants. She even told me she’s petty towards me when she feels hurt but the thing is she’s hurt 24/7. Trying to communicate and understand her was just full of her accusing me of only seeing bad in her. I know I was gentle and kind with my words and even admitted to my wrongs as well. This is only the tip of the tall iceberg with her. I understand I have an anxious attachment style and I know I had an abusive father and didn’t get my needs met as a child. I was beaten for speaking up, bullied and picked on. No one was available to me to teach me how to regulate my emotions and comfort me when I was down or sad. Never heard an I love or you did great or even happy birthday.
U dont have to keep accepting and participating in a relationship with a person who hurts you every day. Theres a better way! You deserve happiness and loving nurturing. You now have adult choices open to you.
Hard facts, but I won't give up believing that' it's possible to attract some healthy people in life. Thank you so much for your video. 💖
Thank you for such insight on both sides of the equation and taking ownership.
You bet!
So pleased to see a video on this much needed area of Narcissist how to stop attracting them. Break the destructive cycle!