OK, Chloe Sevigny, when did you quit acting in Hollywood and get your psych degree?? J/K. It's a compliment; you are her from 20 years ago when she wowed us all in "Boys Don't Cry." To your vid. All I'm getting is cognitive dissonance from these self-identified NON-narcissists who just happen to "attract" many or nothing but narcissists. The curious thing about cognitive dissonance is once this accusation is lodged (or hurled), it should be noted that either the accuser or the accusee is 100% wrong. IOW, those who accuse others of being narcissistic just might BE narcissistic themselves.
Neither do I and I live peacefully although I will love company but not conditional. Tough times when having a social life means competing with everyone... I'm too tired and lazy for that...I had enough 😅
@@dgvfsa66 If they back away is because you are a too tough bone to chew... you have strong boundaries and narcs hate them... they can't stay long time because they are not looking for real people but slaves.
It's so easy to be judgmental when you see someone else in a disaster relationship with a narcissist, but once you've had it happen to you, you realize that it doesn't matter how "smart" you think you are, anyone can be under the temporary spell of the situation where you lose all perspective. I think it's good to keep asking yourself if you're in love with someone for exactly who they are or whether you're in love with your own fantasy version of who they could be.
@jeffreyknuppelMD: Excellent comment. I agree with what you said wholeheartedly. Yes, they do judge when it could easily happen to them. No one is too smart not to have that happen to them. It can happen to anyone. Anyone can be conned.
To anyone reading this, if people are treating you horribly, it's not your fault. I find it best to stop wasting your time on them and instead wait around for the ones who treat you well, like you deserve.
While "fault" does have a negative connotation, the target of the bad treatment has something in their psyche where they DON'T see it as a waste of their time to remain in relationship with someone abusive and there lies the reason for the video & videos like this bc the target many times DOESN'T have self awareness yet to follow your wise advice.
@@rosej5029 You can't be serious? Blame the victim for staying in a toxic relationship huh? First off this videos premise is utterly and completely naive. People don't have to adjust the way they "attach" to others to avoid a narcisist, because everyone in this society today, is a narcisist to some extent, including you and me. It is just the way of things "me, me, me." It's all it is out of people these days. An over inflated sense of self worth with their heads up their back ends. And the constant externalization for attention. Nobody is escaping that from other people these days, not easily, the only way to do that, is to go off the grid and check out of society completely and I don't see too many people doing that. A person can be a narcisist have a lot of self worth. And still be generally nice and cool to people because some people generally the minority navigate that standard set by society better than others. It's when they start treating other people in a toxic fashion. Thats the issue, and the responsibility of that is not on the said victim. It's the abusers issue, and since people like that aren't connected to themselves spiritually enough to address it, and refuse to listen to the wisdom of others. Because they have all the answers so they think, and they always do. It rarely, if ever, gets addressed, and when the victim brings it up, since the abuser doesn't hold them as equals to be respected, they will never get through either. But sometimes some people are just plain stuck in toxic relationships and its not so simple as cutting your losses and peacing out.
I'm presently wrestling with that. I attend AA meetings and was recently slandered in front of the whole crowd. Three people accused me of being a predator. Imagine that! There's not much I can do about it. I don't see any witnesses coming forth saying I got a bad deal. I was seriously thinking about taking them to Civil Court. The best I can do is avoid those I know have lied about me, are gossiping about me and slandering me. Why? I'm a loner and I suppose they don't know me, so they invent shyt. I've attempted to be part of the group but it's a no go, so avoiding even talking to them is my move. I'll say hi if necessary.
I was married to a covert narcissist who grew into an overt narcissist. By the time we reached divorce, I had more than enough of these treatments from the narcissist: •Selfishness •Lack of Empathy •Neglect •Manipulation •Abuse (Mental, Emotional, Financial) Once you have lived with someone like this, it will change your life and you will have those light-bulb moments when you realize all the things that the narcissist did to you just to hurt you. -Best Wishes to all ❤
Horrible marriage to be in. My marriage ended with the narcissist discarding me his family members calling me trash and he FedEx me divorce papers on my birthday. Almost lost my mind! God himself had to help me. I was a walking empty shell.
About 98% of the relationships in my life have been with narcissists. My mother even meets the criteria for antisocial personality disorder. I’m also going through divorce from someone whose whole family are narcissists. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so emotionally exhausted that I’m not capable of a friendship. I don’t want to ever have a romantic relationship. Being alone has brought me such incredible joy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
I grew up in a narcissistic household and developed a FA attachment style. I would prevent myself from getting close to people that seemed to be good people because I was afraid to be rejected by them and would keep toxic people in my life because I didn't fear abandonment by them. After two stressful and abusive relationships, I learned some painful, but necessary lessons and ended up in a relationship with someone who treats me well. The relationship has been the most secure, healthy, and loving one I have ever been in and for the first time in my life I feel so at peace and unconditionally loved. It's made it easier to make positive changes in my life and to cut out people who were toxic for me. Never thought that having someone so stable, kind, and loving could make as much an impact as they do. Now, when I see someone toxic for me, I feel no drive to continue contact with them and actually feel a little sick to my stomach at the thought of further interactions.
This is exactly what I have been praying for, to take place in my own life. Like, to a T. I pray reading your comment, perhaps, is a little sign from God, this’ what’s in store for me, as well. Warmest regards and all the best. 🤍
i'm halfway through and don't know if you'll address covert narcissism in the second half, but i was always exclusively attracted to covert narcissists. instead of me being attracted to confidence and needing validation, i was attracted to insecurity and felt fulfilled by validating and building up somebody else. i'm a caretaker, nurturer, teacher. this is how i magnetized vipers.
@@irinaivanovic9792 i think there's a lot of covert narc-specific stuff on youtube that will help, and just in general almost all the same stuff still applies in terms of how to escape/survive. on a more personal level, i've worked a lot on focusing on/taking care of me and reducing the yearning to take care of somebody else, the need to feel needed type thing.
I was this type of way up until very recently. I’m 42 now, look younger than my age. Now I take care of myself better, nurture myself better and will pursue hobbies such as fishing and rv ing. I bought me a nice truck for my endeavors and will more than likely meet non vipers with similar interests on the way. Have turned to Jesus. I no longer overlook any red flags or my gut feelings. Basicaly, everyones a viper until proven otherwise. Hope this helps 🎉
When you've been raised by a Narcissist/Sociopath mother/father you grew up in a Narcissistic/Sociopathic family. You've been kind of 'trained' to accept all the abuse as being 'normal' and learned to deal with it to survive the best you could. Keeping you in a constant defence-mode. Your tolerance for abusive behaviour has grown very strong. Sickening strong. You were trained this way unknowingly. Once you see what they did to you just to keep you small to make them look bigger, the spell will break. Then you'll see how pathatic and small they actually were when blaming and shaming you all this time. In the end they were just malignantly envious of you and couldn't tolerate your strenght and wisdom. So they had to destroy you as much as possible. Your good nature always tried to find reasonable solutions even beyond the most flagrant betrayals. Because they 'trained' you not to give up on them and your believes about humanity. Your empathy is their weapon to take advantage of you and suck you completely dry if you let them. High tolerance for abuse from being raised in a Narcissistic/Sociopathic family combined with a highly empathetic/feeling nature is a recipy for falling victim to those people later on.
They are in fact total cowards and very small-minded people. They all are real parasites leaching on the strenght and humanity of morally normal people. They all lack consience severly. Which gives them a 'free pass' to play any act and persona they want to obtain what they want. Comletely egocentric. They can play succersfull therapist, politicians, CEO's but also your perfect match for a partner or friend. You name it and they can play it. Anything you wish they can play. And the more intelligent they are the better they are at it. But they all lack any substantial moral ground and defined personallity. They go anyway the wind serves them best without scrupules. They can be very hard to un-mask. For they so cleverly are able to manipulate, misuse and abuse our humanity. Our strenght is their weapon to suck us dry, misuse and abuse us normal feeling. But remember these people are in fact very small people without any real essense or personallity. By lacking this they have to blow themselves up covertly or overtly (or both mostly) by adopting a persona (fake personallity). This is how they use(d) to get their egocentric needs met all their live. In fact it's simple. We are dealing here with very small-minded, morally (brain) retarded people. Once you see it, it's nothing to get upset about in taking their games personally anymore. They do this to everyone they encounter. And they will never change for their brains are set-wired. There's nothing you can do but close any possible input from them in your live. Most victims have tried their very best to solve problems with those people for often years without any result. Mostly it got only worse. Imo, people should cut these people out of their lives at the first sign of obvious abuse (belittleing, emotional intimidation, physical agression, misusing your material sources and severe emotional withholding to name a few). Ofcourse I didn't. So I had to learn the hard way like most of us. After all these people were too small to be taken serious the way I did for many years. It served them well taking them serious for so long. Asif they were normal, real people. They profited greatly from me. In hindsight I surely wasted my time and energy on them. This has been my learning lesson in live since a few years now. I've always been a 'sitting duck' to those people for I was raised that way since early childhood in a family ruled by a malignat narcissistic mother. I never realised this till ~5 years ago. Since, the puzzle got together.. I've learned I have dealt with narcissists/sociopaths far too much all my live because I was trained to do so by my mother. My bounderies for them were virtually non-exsistent. A sitting duck to be misused and abused since childhood. Trained to please and obey. My message here and to you is; try to stop taking them so seriously. Look at them as more or less intelligent crocodiles. Like animals that also lack consience and see everything black or white. In hindsight my mother was a complete failure in live although she always presented (grandiose) otherwise to others. She was also a complete parasite. Always complaining but never earned a deserved penny by working for it. Never educated herself at any means. But kept complaining her husband refused to take night-shifst to bring more money in . The bitch sucked him dry and devaluated him big time for many years till he collapsed when she started a relation with another man and left the household (children too) completely alone. The bitch had no essence at all, no personallity but only greed for control of power and access to materialistic supply available (money and otherwise). My father commited suïcide soon after she started this relation with another man. There were no signs of any sadness, regrett or shame after he died from her. The day after the cremation she yelled at us (children) joyfully; 'now we all going to start a beautyfull future!' The woman was not insane but completely depraved of any consience. Completely egocentric and very small-minded In a sence she was not more than a crocodile. But even less. For crocodiles are just crocodiles and always honest about what they are. Narcissists/Sociopaths like my mother aren't. They are crocodiles in human clothing. I preferre crocodiles. @@mic396
"Your good nature always tried to find reasonable solutions even beyond the most flagrant betrayals". SO well put. My mom is borderline and refuses any treatment. Growing up was a roller coaster which ended with everyone in the family cutting off contact w her but me since I was a minor at the time. I am all she has left but she has calmed down a bit now that she is a senior citizen, but the roller coaster is still there. I did not realize that being raised in that environment made me a big target for others with personality disorders to attach to me until my best friend laid it out for me in a very nice but direct way. Now I don't date or really socialize period bc I don't trust my judgement and am too mentally exhausted to deal with another one. It is like I am wearing a neon vest that says "cluster B magnet". As you mentioned, we have a very high tolerance for unusual behavior so it is often too late when we realize what is happening.
@@MissMonotheist Oh I hear you, and understand, especially when you wrote that you don't date or socialize with others. Comprehensible when we have grown up in such unhealthy environments. I often say I must be a magnet for... mots flying right into the flame. It stinks - their BS does. It took me a while to figure out, and listen to my own intuition, and turn the BS radar on every time I leave my sanctuary. It always feels best when in my own company. Better for feeling and hearing what's right from wrong. Once these individuals get a sense of who I am - they keep away. Thanks goodness for that! Please take care!
as a gay man with BPD, I often attract narcissistic folks, not only because people with BPD often end up with narcissists, but also gay culture at large tends to thrive on narcissism sadly. It’s really hard to navigate when people around you are excusing these toxic behaviours like toxic positivity/no empathy/invalidation/gaslighting. I’m often called too sensitive for being up front with my emotions. Then it’s very easy to paint me as the “crazy” ex due to my extreme reactions to the toxicity/abuse, especially when the abuse starts small.
You will be portrayed as the crazy ex but they can NEVER do anything wrong... it's a battle you can't win, I have BPD too but thinking more and more not to tell anyone new i meet, just to avoid them using it against me. I'd say surround yourself with like-minded people but I didn't know the gay community is like that...
Saying that narcissists have the ability to change is dangerous. Everyone has the ability to change, but the vast majority of truly narcissistic people feel that the change shouldn't come from them, and will use "I've changed" as a manipulation tool...
Exactly. In order to change you have to feel you have a problem. Borderline and Narcissists have no issues, it is everyone being jealous or hateful to them that is the problem. /s
I just attracted 3 narcs in a row .. 1 long term marriage , 2 relationships afterwards. I see the warning signs and I ignored them and sure enough their mask slips . Time to be alone and focus on self love and peace . It’s important to set boundaries and be ok with cutting people ( Romantic partners and Friendships ) off. Empathy can feel like such a burden sometimes. Why do I care so much while the other one can care less and can be so selfish . I’ve only met a few real empaths in my life .
Caring so much validates your self worth...it makes you a knight in white shining armor. It feels really good to be that person. Just a thought...from an empath...
I almost had 3 new friends and I quickly realize they have the same narcissist traits...so I quickly paddle back until they are still just acquaintances. I almost fell into their traps.
I had a friend who fit that pattern exactly. At first he was charming. But even during the first week he asked for rides around town, even asking me to pick him up and take him back to the place he was staying (with another friend). It took about 10 years for me to take the abuse seriously. If I added up all the money he "borrowed" it would be over $15,000 easily. And I am the person with the least money of all his friends. I gave him what I really needed for myself, and I'll never get it back. It's been about 5 years now since I've spoken to him and today I got an email saying, "Are you okay? I've tried to call you several times and no answer." I'm not going to answer.
"borrowed" playing the victim card I imagine. A friend of mine gave to her "victim of society and bad luck" 36k+ and he had the nerve to take the last 6k while she was unemployed, sucking almost all of her savings. I alerted her many times on how dangerous he was. Her response? "don't worry I can handle him..... now she's on a nervous breakdown. Neither superman can handle them. So DON'T answer ever, expecially if guilty feelings show up ("maybe I've been too harsh...) or sentiments of vengeance or to recup the money. My friend tried with a lawyer and "he" had the nerve to say that that wasn't borrewed money but gifts. So the legal action will be very complicated and costly.
I think it's worth noting that it's not every time that people are abused by their family. This can be done by a lot of narcissitic societies and systems from a young age too. I have realised that the more narcissitic people there are in general, the more people adapt to their environment and turn that way too, so they aren't a target themselves, especially when they are using tactics like sabotage within work places, smear campaigns and even resorting to gangstalking 💖💖💖
The U.S. is both highly narcissistic and yet giving. The obsessive pursuit for wealth above a comfortable lifestyle, the emphasis on winning, attractiveness, and personality, the condescension or ridicule and dismissal of those with differing viewpoints are all examples of it.
Good point. I feel like a good example of this is religious communities. Narcissism seems to thrive in religious communities and narcissistic abuse seems to run rampant in them.
I actually read that narcissists are notorious for claiming that they were abused as children when they actually were not. My best friend's sister is a narcissist who claims child abuse, but my friend always says "I was there! Our parents disciplined us the same way!" And my friend is the sweetest, most genuine person I know, as are her parents, so I 100% believe them over the narcissist. Plus the narcissistic sister has proven herself to be a compulsive liar anyway.
Thank you for actually not only saying bad things about narcissists. I grew up with a narcissistic, abusive parent. It has deeply harmed me mentally. However, I feel sad people are living with this illness and are just being stigmatized. I think they deserve love too. There aren't even good ways for them to get treatment.
They just cause a lot of pain and suffering, but they definitely are treated worse than even sociopaths and psychopath who are a really dangerous. Even they say themselves not to trust them and they don't blame anyone for being weary around them. Narcs can feel empathy and can change. A lot of people here are saying the experts must be wrong because it doesn't match with their experience. Which is such an illogical thing to say. But they can change. But being so stigmatized will make it hard for them. They deserve scorn for hurting people but empathy if they want to change. If they don't and refuse to get help, fuck them. But that pathway should still be available should they change their mind.
Thanks for the video. I'm pretty sure anxious attachment can develop even when the parent is not a narcissist. Inconsistent caregiving happens for a variety of reasons.
What would you call it then. A selfish mother or father in stead of a narcissists. Parents, can be unaware or obtuse or pay little interest in they're kids because they are consumed in their own lives. Which can be similar to characteristics of a narcissists. At the end of the day it is all about them.
@veberation Parents can be dealing with their own issues that affect the way they parent. We don't need to assume malice. Maybe a single mother is carrying too much on her shoulders, or a parent is suffering from physical or mental health issues. Perhaps one child in the family is special needs, and there is less time for the other children. Some parents didn't have good role models, and they don't even realize that they are doing something wrong. There are a variety of reasons why parents don't always meet their children's needs, and I think it irresponsible to label them all as narcissists.
@@jesswitmer6389 I don't think I was labelling parents as narcissists, but what I was saying parents can act selfish. I am looking at the act of being selfish on the affects on the child not what the parent has gone through. In addition I am looking at how parents can be selfish, while knowing they are not being considerate. When you're a child you do not necessarily have the understanding to appreciate what your parents have gone through even when you get older. I am looking at it practically.
00:00 🚩 Patterns of chaos, emotional manipulation, and narcissistic traits in relationships may be linked to your attachment style. 03:45 🤝 Your attachment style, formed through early experiences, can unconsciously lead you to pick narcissistic partners or friends. 05:22 🤗 Anxious attachment styles may be drawn to narcissists due to the need for validation and reassurance, despite the unhealthy nature of such relationships. 08:33 🙅♂️ Avoidant attachment styles, seeking emotional distance, may find themselves attracted to narcissists who exhibit emotional unavailability and independence. 11:21 🌟 Healing and transforming your attachment style toward a secure one is crucial to breaking the cycle of attracting narcissistic individuals in your life.
Codependents are drawn to narcissists. Their need for validation and approval aligns with the narcissist’s need for admiration and control. Compelled to control. Codependents are attracted to the excessive autonomy of avoidants because codependents fail to trust self to manage life seperately from others.
How does a nice girl attract healthy partner? Aware enough to stop them from using me, not aware enough to avoid attacting them & meet normal people. Thanks for this video!!! ❤
@@YukonFox1972this. I had to decipher why I couldn't enforce my boundaries. Turns out that if I meet someone in person, I have a harder time with my boundaries. Whereas if I meet someone online and get to know them that way, I can enforce my boundaries better, even after meeting them in person. That's what's worked for me, ymmv
I think we need to build are self-worth so we know we deserve to be treated better. So we do not walk away feeling emotionally upset, put down.... or feel inferior. Feeling self-worth can help in gaining more confidence where you focus on yourself in a healthy way. Another way, I use, is not to get emotionally intertwined in others problems, where I can detach myself instead of thinking I have to help them or I have the answers. I try to stand back from their problems, so I can think clearly, in that way you can decide if you want a relationship with them or not. Or if it can be a healthy relationship. When you want a co-dependent relationship, that is when it is unhealthy when you feel you rely on the person to feel good because you leave yourself open to be abused mentally.....emotionally, which could be by a narcissist or any one else.
I think slowly getting to know someone is key. Keep sex out of it for as long as possible. Narcissistic people tend to want all of you right away and if they don’t get it they are off to the next victim.
Thank you So Much for this Katie. This is something I have been dealing with my entire adult life and it absolutely is directly related to my upbringing. I am so freaking tired of all the narcissistic partners and friendships.
Same here. Luckily I have a very loving & caring husband with 3 beautiful kids. But all my life horrible friends which I really want to break the pattern
Actually with me, it's been the narcs picking me because since that I'm a empath. Also my parents--especially my mom was a narcissist and I was groomed and not allowed to have boundaries and such. So I have been studying the signs of narcissism and what makes narcissist choose you. They choose people that have qualities they don't have.
I used attract narcissists like honey to a bee until I reevaluated my life seeing a history of attracting predatory people. This self awareness led me realize that my childhood traumas resulted in trauma bonding and codependency. It’s not until I sought help began healing and building strong boundaries that I began to build healthy relationships. I never had a healthy family model and now I realize how important it is to have a healthy support system to keep harmful people away coz it’s not just narcissistic people you will attract there are BPD, histrionics & sociopaths too and sometimes it’s hard to know which type you’re dealing with.
people are equalizing narcs and sociopaths, and that's extremely bad and misleading. Narcissist won't even ask anything from others because they are self absorbed and self oriented, it's sociopaths who will try mimicking that they are your loving friends and all sociopaths are dark empaths. P.S. I am a narcissist and I have no friends because I don't want to be available 24/7 to anyone, and I try not to have enemies either- as that would also mean having personal connection with people
Over the last 20 years or so I have figured out a lot about these influences in my life. I am not sure which attachment style I have, however I definitely have a narcissist mother, and am still struggling to separate myself from a long term relationship with a person with these tendencies. I have noticed these patterns in my own life and I have learned ways to help me regain my life, so thank you for producing these videos. I use these skills to help me navigate interactions with others and have honed my circle of friends to limit my exposure to these people in some cases and defuse encounters in others. Dogs really are great teachers, they are my favourite people.
Inner Child fantasy. Inner Child may work in mysterious/unconscious ways. Often will be attracting what's familiar not what's good for us. Also Inner Child often wants redemption. An example would be: "your parent was a narcissist, when growing up, you perhaps tried to change them, you sacrificed your authenticity, You did everything to get the love you wanted and you didn't get it 😢 Then as an adult you attract a similar person who you will be trying to change, you will be ignoring red flags, your boundaries will be crossed, you may be abused 😢 Also, empaths are at risk of ending up in relationships with narcissists. We often attract the type of "love" that we learned when growing up. Sometimes that "love" is not real love 😢
God help you. You must feel gaslit and question your own insanity. How did you last 5 years. I have a feeling it is hard to keep your own identity in a relationship with a narcissist because you are constantly in fight, freeze or flight.
Thanks for this video (I’ve never dated a healthy guy). Narcissistic partners, for me, have been the most damaging and hardest to shake. When I see the signs now, I run, even though I’ve accepted this means being alone and never marrying.
Parents don't have to be perfect. They do need to be deeply committed to the inner world of their child, to see that child and validate their emotions and to teach them how to cope with what life throws at them, to help them accept that they don't need the approval of others to be okay.
Gaslighting, Guilt tripping and emotional blackmail - yes. Emotional roller coaster - absolutely. All of this developed slowly over time and became worse and worse. I saved myself with going 'no contact" - he found new supply very quickly :)
I respect what you say, Kati. “NPD people can develop self-awareness and possibly change for the better”. However, there could be thousands of people who view this piece who are still in a relationship with one of these humans. Or even people who still haven’t done the inner-work to heal the root cause on how they attract these kinds. This may give them false hope that their partner or ex-partner may be able to change. The NPD will just use that carrot-on-a-stick to manipulate the situation. If they are full-blown NPD……….gtfo & run. Never look back and watch your life improve 1000000%.
There are other psychologists that have very informative & helpful videos on this subject and they are EMPHATIC about not expecting a narcissistic person to change, which is where an empathetic person tends to go.
what if you don't pick them, my exsupervisor she was a narc and knew somehow I was a target? she made my life hell for a year and now i'm burnt out and scared of what a new job will bring. She always gaslit me telling me one date and then at meetings in front of people using another date when my work should have been in by, or being demeaning and going out of her way to try and make me look incompetent. It was retraumatizing and I don't want to be a target anymore. I stopped picking them, but i also want to stop being picked by them too.
I think what might be crucial is to set the boundaries early on and stick to it. It's difficult with your supervisor because in a way you depend on them...but when you learn to trust yourself and build confidence you might be strong enough to change jobs or even start your own business...For me the most difficult is the last one:to trust myself and to find courage to go my own way...
I don’t choose relationships in this problematic way but I seem to attract people such as coworkers, 2nd tier friends and various others I have to interface with that are like this. I was hoping the video would address the people besides partners. I have thought they sense vulnerability in me as I am gentle and polite. Maybe too much so.
I attract these people as well and I think it is more associated with confidence and Stoic personal philosophy I have adopted. I think a narcissistic person recognizes certain traits and might be intrigued or envious and will eventually these traits will really get to them on a profound mental level. The manager I report to is a grandiose narcissist and my personality type wrecks him, but he is low enough to take very cheap shots on me that I must constantly push back on. I have also realized that these people can be easily handled and manipulated as long as they don't realize I am overtly trying to influence them.
Hi Kati a year ago, I had therapy for a massive issue that happened with my mother in 2021. I had to wait a while before there was a space for me to start my therapy. During this time, one of your videos about narcissism came up on my RUclips feed, and I listen to it, and it resonated very strongly with the traits. My mother has During therapy, I asked my therapist, if my mother could be a narcissist at which point, she said she wasn’t able to diagnose that as she wasn’t a psychiatrist, recommended a book about narcissistic mothers and how they treat daughters. She couldn’t find what she was going to recommend, but my partner looked on the Internet and found what turned out to be a very informative book about the subject, which I read, as well as did my counselling. It was very hard to come to terms with, but it gave me a massive understanding about narcissism, and the way I was, and why I behaved the way I did. it’s two years and five months since I last spoke to also my mother. It’s been very hard the pain never fully goes away but I am learning to live with it. So thank you
Y'all need to stop acting like you know more than doctors and psychologists. This has been studied, and it's not them faking it. You can't fake out brain scans. If you're not feeling empathy, that part of your brain won't light up. They can change if they want to. That's the difference. Having the ability to do something doesn't mean you will. People used to say the same thing about people with BPD. Now we know 90% of them actually go into remission. Your experience is just that. YOUR experience. This is why scientists have to go through so much training to put bias aside the rest of us aren't able to do. Our opinions and experiences get in the way of reality. They CAN. The question is if they want to. The answer seems to be no.
It's called the 'artist temperament'. yes, they are self-absorbed a**holes. I did an internship program at an art institute in high school and all they did was make me not want to go to art school. It was a never ending circle jerk of narcissists. "You're great and I'm great, aren't we great?" It was nauseating.
Thank you so much for talking about difficult friendships.. I watch many videos on various channels about narcissistic traits in romantic relationships, but I also want to know how to navigate and set healthy boundaries in friendships, family relationships, work relationships, etc.
I agree with you, SigneKristineHermind. Friendships have caused me the biggest problem. My mom was like what Dr. Ramani describes as a neglectful narcissist. It takes a lot of living before you finally realize you were raised by someone who is indifferent to you, who took care of your basic survival needs but who couldn't care less about you as a person. I have met too many people who only have room for me as long as I don't cause them any trouble.
I hope narcissists are able to actually gain self-awareness on their issue for real, but I usually don't really expect that from day to day narcissists.
Just wow. My son told me I need to watch these vids and he was so right. Today is my narcissist mother’s “celebration of life” and I am not going. Why? because my so called family shuns me, humiliates me and generally makes me invisible to the point of literally walking by me as if I am not there. I am left out of family photos etc. Why? because I read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud while in therapy and it changed my life. I no longer accept being bullied, name called or gas lighted. I no longer feel unworthy or less valued than others. Now I found Kati and I am hooked. Watching videos on a roll! Thank you Kati. You confirmed so many things for me.
I found two books to help me on this situation. Critical thinking and Emotional blackmail. Life gets easier when you have these structures and guides in your life. Being someone who easily feels guilty gives an opportunity for the AS types to take advantage of your character and realizing that, made me more cautious of who to trust as I am a highly open person as well. Not a great combination of traits to have Ha ha. Once you're free it gets so much better.
Thank you for explaining how avoidant attachment style works with the tendency for being drawn to narcissists, that has been breaking my brain for decades. I’m a healing avoidant, and all of the relationships that I had so far have been with people who possess a good deal of strong narcissistic traits. Now it makes much more sense to me as to why, and I have way more hope for not falling into the same trap again. However, I would greatly appreciate if you could also explain why narcissists may be drawn to avoidant people, as this is still a riddle to me, even though I’ve read and watched a lot about narcissism. It seems like avoidants are the opposite of what narcissists need. I’m asking because in many cases it actually starts with them being drawn to me, and not vice versa, and I just slowly give up to their attention as soon as I stop seeing them as a threat, and they start seeming like an ok person to be around (which later, of course, proves wrong). P.S. thank you so much for all that you do for your viewer’s mental health!
Simply put avoidant don’t talk much, npds who fail to get a bighearted generous supply (cuz many of those are actually exhibitionist communal npds) start going for what they consider the second best kind of supply, and it’s the shy isolated person which they consider easier to gaslight, avoidant people are probably not that but they seem like it
@@MuYangYe I like your assesment, a lot of good points here, thanks for sharing. Isolation and perceived modesty that stems from reserved character might really be some of the reasons why narcissists find avoidants an easy target. I think I would also add disconnect between emotional state and reason to the pile: avoidants value rational assesment over emotions, and in some cases they are so oblivious of their own emotional responses, that they may end up ignoring even the biggest "something here is completely off" signs, if they are provided with enough misleading and seemingly reasonable arguments.
@@neant2046you do realize that people with highly narcissistic traits more so always lean avoidant in their attachment… no matter what. Their game is all about withholding after a period of interest/mutual reciprocation (idealize phase+devalue phase). They feel just the same discomfort in that closeness that you say you are healing from. Which I salute you for as thats really hard to overcome when it’s so engrained!
@@Roofdaddynick from what I observe in my narcissists, they are all more of anxious / fearful-avoidant: they need other people in order to regulate their emotions (often in quite toxic ways), as they can't do it themselves, yet their shame-based core makes them reject the same people they turn to for emotional regulation once their vulnerabilities get revealed. Avoidant people tend to do the emotional regulation on their own, preferably alone, as other people, unlike in case with narcissists, disregulate them even further, and that causes even deeper distress. Plus, narcissists habitually to put the blame for their unprocessed emotions on other people, which is more of an anxious style trait. Avoidant people usually belittle, sugarcoat or bottle up their experiences. Being oblivious of their own vulnerabilities and supressed emotions until they blow up, though, is a common trait both for avoidants and narcissists indeed... and one of the saddest ones, imo.
This actually got me thinking that this may be another reason for some narcissists to get attracted to avoidants: it is possible, that those of them who lean more anxious in their attachment style, make the same mistake as all anxious people seem to make in relation to avoidants: they view avoidants as perfectly regulated people, who will not bother them with their own needs and emotions, but instead will cater for the narcissist's emotional needs... which never happens this way, as the first part of this assumption is true, but the second one isn't: avoidants find it incredibly hard to cater even for their own emotional needs, let alone the needs of other people, especially when they are disregulated. They usually avoid such situations altogether.
It is not about what you attract, it is what you tolerate!!! Self love deficit disorder describes a pattern of relationships where you contribute love, care, and respect but it is not reciprocated. Once you see that the love, care, and respect is not being reciprocated, you stay because of your fear of being alone. Your fear of being alone is what drives your decisions to stay in relationships where your needs are not being met. The fear of being alone is why you tolerate poor treatment. You do not love your because of childhood wounds.
I like the phrase "healing attachment wounds." I have fallen into all of the attachment styles and have struggled to identify with any one of them completely. Some situations bring out each one differently. But I like to think that I am gradually continuing to progress toward a more and more secure attachment style
Kati, please consider taking this video down and reposting it without the "Fun Facts About Narcissists" interludes. *Survivors of abuse shouldn't have to be subjected to PR for their abusers while seeking help.*
It's so difficult to digest the concessions you make for narcissists. It triggers my past family and romantic wounds. It is challenging to see the humanity in people who undermined your humanity to unimaginable extents.
I got assigned to a female doctor as my primary care physician. One day I happened to bump into her at the local market. It was a pleasant surprise. Because of COVID, I had never actually seen her face before. I had been able to recognize her just from her eyes! She was accompanied by her husband and four children. She’s also younger than me and I saw she was attractive. She seemed like the perfect woman. I thought about how I hadn’t really aimed very high with my romantic partners. But here was a new model for me to look for, someone who was both attractive, smart AND successful. Unfortunately, this image of perfection was shattered a few months later when she tricked me into undergoing a testicle exam against my will. She dangle my prescription for Prozac as the means by which to control, manipulate and humiliate me in front of another woman amongst her medical staff. This female doctor turned out to be a full blown NPD. I didn’t even know what an NPD was before. This PERFECT person turned out to be the CRUELEST MONSTER I had ever encountered. I am still in a state of shock.
SO TRUE (in my case word by word) I thought it's normal. The beginning of trusting people that's treating me bad and always trying to change them ALWAYS WAITING , HOPING, PLEASING, Rinse & REPEAT 😊
Believe me, it is easy to shake them off too. Do it often and the pleasure is all ours ( without any need of guilt). Their disappointment and anger is our reward.🎉
It is with great dispare that I can say that I have made it impossible for me to ever be effected by a narcissist again. Knowing that I do attract narcissists because of my very quiet and passive ways, I simply chose to delete the social aspect of my existence in its entirety. I dress in the most bland ways. I avoid all gatherings. I seek no friendships nor romances. I avoid all interpersonal, social interactions. If someone seems attracted to me in an amicable or amorous manner, that is the person I will avoid first and the rest of people secondary. One might think, this means I have no friends. This is a certainty. However, far more importantly, I have no users, a fake girlfriend, false friends, abusers, liars, enemies nor narcissists, in my life. The life I have chosen has far more benefits than negatives. After all, is it not worth every effort to avoid negative people?
I don't know how i 'm still alive. NPD mother did everything to end me. Father & brother collaborating. I am a proud 60 yrs old survivor and wish we had a " me too " movement for victims of NPD individuals. If anybody is interested ...
This is too spot on for me to watch then entire video right now. It's painful and sickens me to listen to and watch something that is so very familiar. I'm now 67, and I only began to find out many of the details of my childhood that I have no real memory of, but older relatives told me about in my late 40's. Sadly - many of the patterns of my life NOW make sense.
Moral of the story is if you grew up with narcissistic abuse STAY SINGLE and REMAIN INDEPENDENT. Sadly, best to avoid close friendships, too. You will always be a target despite the amount of counselling you receive. If you have boundaries, narcs will abuse you. If you don't have boundaries, narcs will take advantage of you. The only other option is to be a narc yourself. So best to ditch them all and go solo.
Hyper independence is a trauma response. Hopefully you can get through this ❤ there are healthy people in the world you can have relationships with if you do the inner work. Yes it sucks that we didn’t make ourselves with issues but it is our choice of how to handle them. I didn’t turn into a hermit but worked hard on myself and now have fulfilled relationships with friends and family 😊
One of the things that I have learned from experience is that gaslighting is not a tactic of narcissists. Gaslighting is not consciously or intentionally employed. It is simply a way of being.
Isn't it true that we are all narcissistic in some situations? I am both anxious and avoidant. How does an adult undo early childhood experiences that are so deeply ingrained as to be almost unknowable? Like water to a fish. You speak some formidable truths.
Didn't see my Avoidant attachment style in quite the same way but you are correct. Was always the new kid because the narc parent had to move when they perceived a loss of control. You become quite flippant and treat all new groups of people in the same way. Sort of like you already knew them but not like they were going to be around for long. Like life is one long weekend convention. You're not really vetting people doing this and they often are around longer than a short period of time. This is enough encouragement for a Narcissist as it is unlikely they will not notice someone not paying attention but still being if not nice, sociable. Though regular people would notice the flippancy. So you've messed up on 2 fronts, you've got a narc cling on and put off the regular people all at once, a great days work!
You described this so clearly, thanks for that. I have the avoidant attachment and you described me 100% :) In this new relationship I thought indeed that the emotional detachment was a strength of her, which was my mirror. While at the same time I found my narccsstic mother very sad because she can't share her feelings and thoughts and is emotional unreachable.
I used to attract narcs back when I thought I didn't deserve better. I knew well what predators they were, but I didn't think I deserved better than that at the moment. I have a childhood friend though, a pure carebear and he attracts them now and then. We both learned to make the process short with these personalities though, they can be dangerous.
I'm in the phase or rediscovering selflove and the love for other people and will to help has started to shine and I've started to attract my tribe of social workers, psychological nurses and other people that help for work and tbh, I finally start to find my people as well as getting over the last ripples of my demons. I've not only managed to cut back on selfmedication but actually stopped majority of it and this has furher encouraged me to make some healthier life choices furthering my healing. Stay strong brothers and sisters.
I like to imagine a narcissist crying as they're sent away to be executed. Saying they can't change who they are or what they are while begging for mercy but only getting hate instead of mercy. That's what these people deserve.
Right there with you, buddy. It makes me think of the stock villains in TV and movies who do terrible and sadistic things to people, but when the moment of reckoning comes, they become weak, blubbering cowards begging for mercy. NOPE!
Also, can we stop with this ridiculous narrative that everyone is a narcissist. Not everyone who has treated you/someone badly is actually a narcissist. This term is getting dangerously thrown around and it’s becoming ridiculous, overused and misused.
I couldn’t agree more. I ended up dating one & getting engaged to one but I had no idea what I was in until I saw one of her videos years ago on narcissists. It made it me aware of what was going on, the gaslighting, the mood changes, the love bombing. I completely agree it’s being thrown around & I hate it so much bc I feel so invalidated by my experience. Like just bc someone is mean & has no def awareness or is 100% always self centered, doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. I think u can have TRAITS of a narcissistic personality, but to be a legit full blown narcissist is so different in my opinion.
Amen! It’s everywhere all the time and has been for a while now. And it seems as though everyone who isn’t narcissistic is an empath, as if they have some super power. (Delusions of grandeur much)
I agree with that and I hate how much that word gets thrown around, too. And I feel like it’s always the legit narcs that throw the term around so loosely. Lol
@@LavenderHazelwood I can agree kind of. I think narcissistic traits can be personality trails, however a legit psychopath narcissist is different than narcissistic personality disorder yk? Like there’s a fine line & I think it’s in whichever way u use ur traits. Bc people can say “oh she so self centered” when really she just practices self love & boundaries in her life. Yk? Like fine like stuff but the line is def there
I come from a family of narcissists, had alot of issues in childhood and my teens similar to conduct disorder. Struggle now alot in my late 20's with close relations and work, Im not sure where I am on any scale of disorders currently, I want to be better but I think I am the problem...
You are NOT the problem and this is NOT your fault. I have a family of narcs and now my daughter has also high traits due to influence from my dad. Keep your boundaries strong and be authentic to yourself always. I say a lot to my narcs “if you continue to speak dis respectfully / yell at me / etc, I will hang up the phone. You can call me back when you are calm and can treat me with respect.” That’s one example, but it’s helped me a lot. Stay strong - be kind to yourself. 🙏🏼
Confident not arrogant people can be really intimidating to people. I've noticed that something I take for granted, my confidence and comfort of being myself and being able to have a conversation in which I ask my much younger cousins how they're doing can make them nervous and they turn red. The only time I felt that nervous was when I went on stage for the first time. It must be so painful for someone to have that level of anxiousness when they are in a very small group of relatives. I thought I was shy when I was young but this is on another level, I feel so bad for him. I think he feels bad because he's not doing anything amazing after leaving college, hopefully he will realize, I'm not judging him but rooting for him. Could it be that the younger generation has a difficult time with in person socializing rather than behind a screen?
I HATED when family members (cousins, aunts, uncles etc) asked me how I’m doing. It puts me on the spot to have to kind of state my resume. I get that you think you’re not being judgmental but it puts the other person on the spot. Not everyone feels comfortable talking about the things they’re doing. If people would just small talk about other things, eventually it gets deeper on its own
@@michigan1085 We did small talk too. There's actually something going on with his Grandmother (my cousin by marriage) and her jealousy of me. She made the whole situation so awkward, we came to visit her in the hospital and I brought a balloon and a get well card and when we arrived her grandchild and wife were there. Also his wife didn't help by asking him loudly "Why are you turning red?" I thought that was rude of her to say that in front of all us. I didn't say anything. The grandmother cousin is jealous of my family and basically doesn't want her grand children to even know I exist. The grandmother is most likely going to die before I am because she has cancer and is older than I am so I think it's selfish of her to not let him get to know our family. It's her jealousy that is making the situation more awkward. Truthfully, I didn't even have time to make a hospital visit and then she acts rude to me. I'm starting to think I just need to be done with them. They also never thanked me for giving them a microwave for their wedding, they never even acknowledged it.
I didn't know about the 4 attachments styles (I've only heard it, but didn't know they are 4, and what they were): anxious fearful avoidant secure I learned something new today. :)
I almost didn't watch this video because of the title seeming to victim/survivor blame (as opposed to 'this is why narcissists are attracted to you' which would seem more empowering to survivors of narcissistic abuse). Thanks so much for acknowledging in the video that it isn't our faults! To anyone reading the title, know Kati isn't blaming you!!
ITS definitely linked to very early experience with people an older sibling probably who u tried to please constantly but could never predict what reaction u would receive.This would create constant tension.
this is so increcibly helpful. After the third abusive and quite traumatic relationship (at least I did not have the intimate romantic relationship any more, but a friend who betrayed my trust in him) with a narcisist I was wondering what I was missing. I had researched abusers tactics and knew how to spot them, I had focused-with the support of a therapist-for years on improving my selfawareness, my selfworth, on acknowledging and validating my feelings, communicating my needs, setting boundaries and I still walked into the same trap again. I was desperately wondering what I was missing, what the blind spot was that let me fall for manipulation. Even though I did face attachement wounds and my anxious attachement style in therapy I was not aware of how it relates to narcisism. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for pointing that out.
Re:: drinking more water, It's smart to have some really big pint glasses of water on your bedside table, every morning… That way you'll see if you're pre-hydrating your day... the evidence is right there reminding you. You can pretty much start hydrating half an hour before getting out of bed, or an hour before breakfast. It feels great. Health to you..
I have quiet borderline personality disorder so I seem to attract narccicists like a magnet, however I have come to understand tactics like non-engagement and starving them of ego supply. Now they tend to give up relatively quickly and go looking for an easier meal
help.. I need help. I was emotionally manipulated by my psychiatrist and his friend/co-founder. Unraveling this on my own this entire past year has been detrimental to my mental health... and he is just radio silent... but he still has an "online presence" so I guess that's what's most important... ugh.
I became very close to a colleague who offered me a place to stay in order to distance myself from my mother. After 3 years, I'm distancing myself from her because my self esteem has been eroding. I'm grateful my partner and best friend have secure attachment and are consistent in their love.
It sounds so much like bpd too. But I think that people with bpd have a heart and actually care (narcissistic people don’t care or have empathy) We have empathy and are very sensitive. In case u wondered the difference between narcissism vs. borderline.
I thought I had grown out of this. But in the last two years I find I have regressed and am now on narcissistic friendship number two that is leaving me with little sleep and no desire to eat. Not sure what’s up but praying I find what’s caused me to get back to attracting these folks.
Aaaah, the hope things will improve... Nope. After a fun and rapid first month, the following 6 months before the abrupt end were absolutely exhausting. Nothing was ever enough and yet we do what we can to try to change that. Loneliness may follow the end of a relationship with a narcissist, but our health is more important. Wishing everyone the very best and someone deserving coming into your lives.
I've only READ or HEARD ONLINE about people with NPD actually getting out of their behavior. Never happened to me in reallife ... met TOO MANY. And It ALWAYS went destructive in the end!
A friend of mine said I am a target for people because I am good looking, not my fault and they give me a hard time because of it. I grew up a gentleman in a world of people who took it upon themselves to give me the hardest time they could, I use to get mad and beat them up but now I seclude. I was very secure and confident people felt when they first meet me i am very arrogant but later they didn't feel that way. I am so angry and hate people so much that I have been utterly alone for the last 30 years. More likely frustrated because I can see them coming but cannot stop the intersection
I can relate-I have come to the conclusion that a good portion of people do not source their own energy but try to steal it from those who do. In the nd it's a question of spiritual connection. The people I truly connect with tend to be loners like myself.
There is a fine line that is showing up here in videos like this. Saying the victim wasn't loved or has attachment issues is nothing short of gaslighting and corroborating a narcissist's actions. It's sick and demented in a covert way. In fact, psychopathy is not far away from narcissism and there are very few, probably less than 1% of people, that will NOT fall victim to a psychopath or covert narcissist. The spectrum of behavoir is wide for them. I really hope the LCSW and PhD's understand that. If not, then turn in your license.
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I know this is totally off topic, but I love your sweater. Where did you get it?
@@chickensandwich3398 Narcissist!
I admire you Very much. However, I question your using examples of Of rich, famous, and successful people In This Narrative.
OK, Chloe Sevigny, when did you quit acting in Hollywood and get your psych degree?? J/K. It's a compliment; you are her from 20 years ago when she wowed us all in "Boys Don't Cry."
To your vid. All I'm getting is cognitive dissonance from these self-identified NON-narcissists who just happen to "attract" many or nothing but narcissists. The curious thing about cognitive dissonance is once this accusation is lodged (or hurled), it should be noted that either the accuser or the accusee is 100% wrong.
IOW, those who accuse others of being narcissistic just might BE narcissistic themselves.
If it's that heavily discounted, it must not be valuable. This channel is about your own neuroticism
I don't attract anyone nowadays.. and I'm fine... I'm at peace with myself..
I might accidentally attract someone, but I back away immediately. I don't trust anyone anymore.
Neither do I and I live peacefully although I will love company but not conditional. Tough times when having a social life means competing with everyone... I'm too tired and lazy for that...I had enough 😅
@@dgvfsa66
If they back away is because you are a too tough bone to chew... you have strong boundaries and narcs hate them... they can't stay long time because they are not looking for real people but slaves.
@@dgvfsa66 same as you. We are many.
@@Lyrielonwind tired.. this is the right word unfortunatly.
It's so easy to be judgmental when you see someone else in a disaster relationship with a narcissist, but once you've had it happen to you, you realize that it doesn't matter how "smart" you think you are, anyone can be under the temporary spell of the situation where you lose all perspective. I think it's good to keep asking yourself if you're in love with someone for exactly who they are or whether you're in love with your own fantasy version of who they could be.
It's scary how they can get into the person's head.
@jeffreyknuppelMD:
Excellent comment. I agree with what you said wholeheartedly. Yes, they do judge when it could easily happen to them. No one is too smart not to have that happen to them. It can happen to anyone. Anyone can be conned.
Ask their childhood friends and classmates about them. If they were a bully or a problem child then screw them.
Intelligent people can have times of being vulnerable..also being too trusting...
Exactly! Took me 13 years!
I attract people who talk on and on about themselves like I’m invisible. Then if I do talk, they interrupt and ignore.
YES.... and I wonder why I'm an avoidant...THIS!
Me too.
My parents are this way!!
Same! Why does this happen?
Narcs!!!
To anyone reading this, if people are treating you horribly, it's not your fault. I find it best to stop wasting your time on them and instead wait around for the ones who treat you well, like you deserve.
While "fault" does have a negative connotation, the target of the bad treatment has something in their psyche where they DON'T see it as a waste of their time to remain in relationship with someone abusive and there lies the reason for the video & videos like this bc the target many times DOESN'T have self awareness yet to follow your wise advice.
@@rosej5029It All can be found in your astrological chart, both Vedic and Western astrology.
@@rosej5029 You can't be serious? Blame the victim for staying in a toxic relationship huh? First off this videos premise is utterly and completely naive. People don't have to adjust the way they "attach" to others to avoid a narcisist, because everyone in this society today, is a narcisist to some extent, including you and me. It is just the way of things "me, me, me." It's all it is out of people these days. An over inflated sense of self worth with their heads up their back ends. And the constant externalization for attention. Nobody is escaping that from other people these days, not easily, the only way to do that, is to go off the grid and check out of society completely and I don't see too many people doing that.
A person can be a narcisist have a lot of self worth. And still be generally nice and cool to people because some people generally the minority navigate that standard set by society better than others. It's when they start treating other people in a toxic fashion. Thats the issue, and the responsibility of that is not on the said victim. It's the abusers issue, and since people like that aren't connected to themselves spiritually enough to address it, and refuse to listen to the wisdom of others. Because they have all the answers so they think, and they always do. It rarely, if ever, gets addressed, and when the victim brings it up, since the abuser doesn't hold them as equals to be respected, they will never get through either.
But sometimes some people are just plain stuck in toxic relationships and its not so simple as cutting your losses and peacing out.
I'm presently wrestling with that. I attend AA meetings and was recently slandered in front of the whole crowd. Three people accused me of being a predator. Imagine that! There's not much I can do about it. I don't see any witnesses coming forth saying I got a bad deal. I was seriously thinking about taking them to Civil Court.
The best I can do is avoid those I know have lied about me, are gossiping about me and slandering me. Why? I'm a loner and I suppose they don't know me, so they invent shyt. I've attempted to be part of the group but it's a no go, so avoiding even talking to them is my move. I'll say hi if necessary.
It’s waiting to get away that’s the worse thing.
I was married to a covert narcissist who grew into an overt narcissist. By the time we reached divorce, I had more than enough of these treatments from the narcissist:
•Selfishness
•Lack of Empathy
•Neglect
•Manipulation
•Abuse (Mental, Emotional, Financial)
Once you have lived with someone like this, it will change your life and you will have those light-bulb moments when you realize all the things that the narcissist did to you just to hurt you.
-Best Wishes to all ❤
This was totally my ex-wife and our marriage 😢
@@davidcross2341
sorry to hear this.
Very sorry and I wish you the best. May God protect you forever.
-Best Wishes
Horrible marriage to be in. My marriage ended with the narcissist discarding me his family members calling me trash and he FedEx me divorce papers on my birthday. Almost lost my mind! God himself had to help me. I was a walking empty shell.
@@tailsthefox6568 , They choose the worst way to bring as much pain as possible.
You are right
About 98% of the relationships in my life have been with narcissists. My mother even meets the criteria for antisocial personality disorder. I’m also going through divorce from someone whose whole family are narcissists. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so emotionally exhausted that I’m not capable of a friendship. I don’t want to ever have a romantic relationship. Being alone has brought me such incredible joy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
They say it's not healthy, but I quit dating 20 years ago and I can't say I regret it.
I feel u my story is similar😗
Do you mean that your mother has ASPD? Like sociopathy or something like that?
Does that did affect your childhood? And how?
Omg sounds just like me
I grew up in a narcissistic household and developed a FA attachment style. I would prevent myself from getting close to people that seemed to be good people because I was afraid to be rejected by them and would keep toxic people in my life because I didn't fear abandonment by them.
After two stressful and abusive relationships, I learned some painful, but necessary lessons and ended up in a relationship with someone who treats me well. The relationship has been the most secure, healthy, and loving one I have ever been in and for the first time in my life I feel so at peace and unconditionally loved. It's made it easier to make positive changes in my life and to cut out people who were toxic for me. Never thought that having someone so stable, kind, and loving could make as much an impact as they do. Now, when I see someone toxic for me, I feel no drive to continue contact with them and actually feel a little sick to my stomach at the thought of further interactions.
This is exactly what I have been praying for, to take place in my own life.
Like, to a T.
I pray reading your comment, perhaps, is a little sign from God, this’ what’s in store for me, as well.
Warmest regards and all the best. 🤍
Wow. Me too. Me too.
nice, i am glad you got out and found a healthy relationship. it proves it is possible.
i'm halfway through and don't know if you'll address covert narcissism in the second half, but i was always exclusively attracted to covert narcissists. instead of me being attracted to confidence and needing validation, i was attracted to insecurity and felt fulfilled by validating and building up somebody else. i'm a caretaker, nurturer, teacher. this is how i magnetized vipers.
Omg same here! I wonder what is the remedy here for people like us…??🥺
@@irinaivanovic9792 i think there's a lot of covert narc-specific stuff on youtube that will help, and just in general almost all the same stuff still applies in terms of how to escape/survive. on a more personal level, i've worked a lot on focusing on/taking care of me and reducing the yearning to take care of somebody else, the need to feel needed type thing.
@@irinaivanovic9792 focus on self
I was this type of way up until very recently. I’m 42 now, look younger than my age.
Now I take care of myself better, nurture myself better and will pursue hobbies such as fishing and rv ing.
I bought me a nice truck for my endeavors and will more than likely meet non vipers with similar interests on the way.
Have turned to Jesus. I no longer overlook any red flags or my gut feelings. Basicaly, everyones a viper until proven otherwise. Hope this helps 🎉
Yes, this is me.
When you've been raised by a Narcissist/Sociopath mother/father you grew up in a Narcissistic/Sociopathic family. You've been kind of 'trained' to accept all the abuse as being 'normal' and learned to deal with it to survive the best you could. Keeping you in a constant defence-mode.
Your tolerance for abusive behaviour has grown very strong. Sickening strong. You were trained this way unknowingly.
Once you see what they did to you just to keep you small to make them look bigger, the spell will break.
Then you'll see how pathatic and small they actually were when blaming and shaming you all this time.
In the end they were just malignantly envious of you and couldn't tolerate your strenght and wisdom. So they had to destroy you as much as possible.
Your good nature always tried to find reasonable solutions even beyond the most flagrant betrayals. Because they 'trained' you not to give up on them and your believes about humanity.
Your empathy is their weapon to take advantage of you and suck you completely dry if you let them. High tolerance for abuse from being raised in a Narcissistic/Sociopathic family combined with a highly empathetic/feeling nature is a recipy for falling victim to those people later on.
Yep, so sad!!!
Nothing could be more truer narcs are soul crushers vamps they are
They are in fact total cowards and very small-minded people. They all are real parasites leaching on the strenght and humanity of morally normal people.
They all lack consience severly.
Which gives them a 'free pass' to play any act and persona they want to obtain what they want. Comletely egocentric.
They can play succersfull therapist, politicians, CEO's but also your perfect match for a partner or friend.
You name it and they can play it. Anything you wish they can play. And the more intelligent they are the better they are at it.
But they all lack any substantial moral ground and defined personallity. They go anyway the wind serves them best without scrupules.
They can be very hard to un-mask. For they so cleverly are able to manipulate, misuse and abuse our humanity. Our strenght is their weapon to suck us dry, misuse and abuse us normal feeling.
But remember these people are in fact very small people without any real essense or personallity. By lacking this they have to blow themselves up covertly or overtly (or both mostly) by adopting a persona (fake personallity). This is how they use(d) to get their egocentric needs met all their live.
In fact it's simple. We are dealing here with very small-minded, morally (brain) retarded people. Once you see it, it's nothing to get upset about in taking their games personally anymore. They do this to everyone they encounter. And they will never change for their brains are set-wired.
There's nothing you can do but close any possible input from them in your live.
Most victims have tried their very best to solve problems with those people for often years without any result. Mostly it got only worse.
Imo, people should cut these people out of their lives at the first sign of obvious abuse (belittleing, emotional intimidation, physical agression, misusing your material sources and severe emotional withholding to name a few).
Ofcourse I didn't. So I had to learn the hard way like most of us.
After all these people were too small to be taken serious the way I did for many years. It served them well taking them serious for so long. Asif they were normal, real people. They profited greatly from me.
In hindsight I surely wasted my time and energy on them. This has been my learning lesson in live since a few years now.
I've always been a 'sitting duck' to those people for I was raised that way since early childhood in a family ruled by a malignat narcissistic mother. I never realised this till ~5 years ago.
Since, the puzzle got together.. I've learned I have dealt with narcissists/sociopaths far too much all my live because I was trained to do so by my mother. My bounderies for them were virtually non-exsistent. A sitting duck to be misused and abused since childhood. Trained to please and obey.
My message here and to you is; try to stop taking them so seriously. Look at them as more or less intelligent crocodiles. Like animals that also lack consience and see everything black or white.
In hindsight my mother was a complete failure in live although she always presented (grandiose) otherwise to others. She was also a complete parasite. Always complaining but never earned a deserved penny by working for it. Never educated herself at any means. But kept complaining her husband refused to take night-shifst to bring more money in .
The bitch sucked him dry and devaluated him big time for many years till he collapsed when she started a relation with another man and left the household (children too) completely alone.
The bitch had no essence at all, no personallity but only greed for control of power and access to materialistic supply available (money and otherwise).
My father commited suïcide soon after she started this relation with another man. There were no signs of any sadness, regrett or shame after he died from her. The day after the cremation she yelled at us (children) joyfully; 'now we all going to start a beautyfull future!'
The woman was not insane but completely depraved of any consience. Completely egocentric and very small-minded
In a sence she was not more than a crocodile. But even less. For crocodiles are just crocodiles and always honest about what they are. Narcissists/Sociopaths like my mother aren't. They are crocodiles in human clothing. I preferre crocodiles.
@@mic396
"Your good nature always tried to find reasonable solutions even beyond the most flagrant betrayals". SO well put. My mom is borderline and refuses any treatment. Growing up was a roller coaster which ended with everyone in the family cutting off contact w her but me since I was a minor at the time. I am all she has left but she has calmed down a bit now that she is a senior citizen, but the roller coaster is still there. I did not realize that being raised in that environment made me a big target for others with personality disorders to attach to me until my best friend laid it out for me in a very nice but direct way. Now I don't date or really socialize period bc I don't trust my judgement and am too mentally exhausted to deal with another one. It is like I am wearing a neon vest that says "cluster B magnet". As you mentioned, we have a very high tolerance for unusual behavior so it is often too late when we realize what is happening.
@@MissMonotheist Oh I hear you, and understand, especially when you wrote that you don't date or socialize with others. Comprehensible when we have grown up in such unhealthy environments. I often say I must be a magnet for... mots flying right into the flame. It stinks - their BS does. It took me a while to figure out, and listen to my own intuition, and turn the BS radar on every time I leave my sanctuary. It always feels best when in my own company. Better for feeling and hearing what's right from wrong. Once these individuals get a sense of who I am - they keep away. Thanks goodness for that! Please take care!
I wouldn't label them as confident and charismatic~ there often just bold arrogant and full of themselves ( which can appear as confidence )
100%
as a gay man with BPD, I often attract narcissistic folks, not only because people with BPD often end up with narcissists, but also gay culture at large tends to thrive on narcissism sadly. It’s really hard to navigate when people around you are excusing these toxic behaviours like toxic positivity/no empathy/invalidation/gaslighting.
I’m often called too sensitive for being up front with my emotions. Then it’s very easy to paint me as the “crazy” ex due to my extreme reactions to the toxicity/abuse, especially when the abuse starts small.
You will be portrayed as the crazy ex but they can NEVER do anything wrong... it's a battle you can't win, I have BPD too but thinking more and more not to tell anyone new i meet, just to avoid them using it against me. I'd say surround yourself with like-minded people but I didn't know the gay community is like that...
All communities are affected by this, but it's good to hear your particular perspective . Thank you.
The best advice I can give you is look for therapy to enhace your habilities, kwoledge your self, heal traumas, etc
@@meyperalta I am in therapy :)
Many psychiatrists falsely diagnose victims of narc abuse who actually have PTSD as having BPD.
Saying that narcissists have the ability to change is dangerous. Everyone has the ability to change, but the vast majority of truly narcissistic people feel that the change shouldn't come from them, and will use "I've changed" as a manipulation tool...
100%
Yes.
You should go see a therapist as you clearly have issues.
I am too old to change.
My experience is that they don't change.
I don't believe they can change. I believe a personality disorder is life long and experience has shown this to me. People just get older.
Exactly. In order to change you have to feel you have a problem. Borderline and Narcissists have no issues, it is everyone being jealous or hateful to them that is the problem. /s
I just attracted 3 narcs in a row .. 1 long term marriage , 2 relationships afterwards. I see the warning signs and I ignored them and sure enough their mask slips . Time to be alone and focus on self love and peace . It’s important to set boundaries and be ok with cutting people ( Romantic partners and Friendships ) off. Empathy can feel like such a burden sometimes. Why do I care so much while the other one can care less and can be so selfish . I’ve only met a few real empaths in my life .
Me too 😢
Discover and listen to your feelings and what the body says to you then establushhing boundaries will be not that difficult as also cutting people off
Caring so much validates your self worth...it makes you a knight in white shining armor. It feels really good to be that person. Just a thought...from an empath...
Sighhhh, been there done that. I feel for you. Narcissistic parent in your background?
Empathetic men are not considered attractive facts ppl actually value what they cannot obtain hence we end up with narcissists
I almost had 3 new friends and I quickly realize they have the same narcissist traits...so I quickly paddle back until they are still just acquaintances. I almost fell into their traps.
Lol, I will always respect narcissists over empaths. Just avoid sociopaths
I had a friend who fit that pattern exactly. At first he was charming. But even during the first week he asked for rides around town, even asking me to pick him up and take him back to the place he was staying (with another friend). It took about 10 years for me to take the abuse seriously. If I added up all the money he "borrowed" it would be over $15,000 easily. And I am the person with the least money of all his friends. I gave him what I really needed for myself, and I'll never get it back. It's been about 5 years now since I've spoken to him and today I got an email saying, "Are you okay? I've tried to call you several times and no answer." I'm not going to answer.
"borrowed" playing the victim card I imagine. A friend of mine gave to her "victim of society and bad luck" 36k+ and he had the nerve to take the last 6k while she was unemployed, sucking almost all of her savings. I alerted her many times on how dangerous he was. Her response? "don't worry I can handle him..... now she's on a nervous breakdown. Neither superman can handle them. So DON'T answer ever, expecially if guilty feelings show up ("maybe I've been too harsh...) or sentiments of vengeance or to recup the money. My friend tried with a lawyer and "he" had the nerve to say that that wasn't borrewed money but gifts. So the legal action will be very complicated and costly.
No need to answer someone who isn’t a real person. He’s a demon in a human suit
stay strong and don't answer, these people feel there's nothing to lose, only an asset to be gained. you know he's preying on you.☠
😂
@@lorenzo_bo always get a loan signed so you have proof if you decide to sue them. Beware the statute of limitations.
I think it's worth noting that it's not every time that people are abused by their family. This can be done by a lot of narcissitic societies and systems from a young age too. I have realised that the more narcissitic people there are in general, the more people adapt to their environment and turn that way too, so they aren't a target themselves, especially when they are using tactics like sabotage within work places, smear campaigns and even resorting to gangstalking 💖💖💖
I totally agree.
Great point. Rings true.
The U.S. is both highly narcissistic and yet giving. The obsessive pursuit for wealth above a comfortable lifestyle, the emphasis on winning, attractiveness, and personality, the condescension or ridicule and dismissal of those with differing viewpoints are all examples of it.
Good point. I feel like a good example of this is religious communities. Narcissism seems to thrive in religious communities and narcissistic abuse seems to run rampant in them.
I actually read that narcissists are notorious for claiming that they were abused as children when they actually were not.
My best friend's sister is a narcissist who claims child abuse, but my friend always says "I was there! Our parents disciplined us the same way!" And my friend is the sweetest, most genuine person I know, as are her parents, so I 100% believe them over the narcissist. Plus the narcissistic sister has proven herself to be a compulsive liar anyway.
Thank you for actually not only saying bad things about narcissists. I grew up with a narcissistic, abusive parent. It has deeply harmed me mentally. However, I feel sad people are living with this illness and are just being stigmatized. I think they deserve love too. There aren't even good ways for them to get treatment.
They just cause a lot of pain and suffering, but they definitely are treated worse than even sociopaths and psychopath who are a really dangerous. Even they say themselves not to trust them and they don't blame anyone for being weary around them.
Narcs can feel empathy and can change. A lot of people here are saying the experts must be wrong because it doesn't match with their experience. Which is such an illogical thing to say. But they can change. But being so stigmatized will make it hard for them.
They deserve scorn for hurting people but empathy if they want to change. If they don't and refuse to get help, fuck them. But that pathway should still be available should they change their mind.
Thanks for the video. I'm pretty sure anxious attachment can develop even when the parent is not a narcissist. Inconsistent caregiving happens for a variety of reasons.
What would you call it then. A selfish mother or father in stead of a narcissists. Parents, can be unaware or obtuse or pay little interest in they're kids because they are consumed in their own lives. Which can be similar to characteristics of a narcissists. At the end of the day it is all about them.
@@ExploreXplore394 I prefer the term selfish. Narccissm implies they have no choice or agency. Selfish? it is all on them, no excuses.
Any attachment style can still take place without a narcissistic parent 👍
@veberation Parents can be dealing with their own issues that affect the way they parent. We don't need to assume malice. Maybe a single mother is carrying too much on her shoulders, or a parent is suffering from physical or mental health issues. Perhaps one child in the family is special needs, and there is less time for the other children. Some parents didn't have good role models, and they don't even realize that they are doing something wrong. There are a variety of reasons why parents don't always meet their children's needs, and I think it irresponsible to label them all as narcissists.
@@jesswitmer6389 I don't think I was labelling parents as narcissists, but what I was saying parents can act selfish. I am looking at the act of being selfish on the affects on the child not what the parent has gone through. In addition I am looking at how parents can be selfish, while knowing they are not being considerate. When you're a child you do not necessarily have the understanding to appreciate what your parents have gone through even when you get older. I am looking at it practically.
00:00 🚩 Patterns of chaos, emotional manipulation, and narcissistic traits in relationships may be linked to your attachment style.
03:45 🤝 Your attachment style, formed through early experiences, can unconsciously lead you to pick narcissistic partners or friends.
05:22 🤗 Anxious attachment styles may be drawn to narcissists due to the need for validation and reassurance, despite the unhealthy nature of such relationships.
08:33 🙅♂️ Avoidant attachment styles, seeking emotional distance, may find themselves attracted to narcissists who exhibit emotional unavailability and independence.
11:21 🌟 Healing and transforming your attachment style toward a secure one is crucial to breaking the cycle of attracting narcissistic individuals in your life.
02:45 video starts
Codependents are drawn to narcissists. Their need for validation and approval aligns with the narcissist’s need for admiration and control.
Compelled to control.
Codependents are attracted to the excessive autonomy of avoidants because codependents fail to trust self to manage life seperately from others.
You’ve put into words how I’ve felt about a relationship I have that has felt toxic for a long time. Thank you. ❤
As someone who is trying to heal from codependency, your words make sense to me.
How does a nice girl attract healthy partner? Aware enough to stop them from using me, not aware enough to avoid attacting them & meet normal people. Thanks for this video!!! ❤
I also wish I knew how
I think it boils down to accepting that we’ll attract all kinds but we need to know how to enforce healthy boundaries.
@@YukonFox1972this. I had to decipher why I couldn't enforce my boundaries. Turns out that if I meet someone in person, I have a harder time with my boundaries. Whereas if I meet someone online and get to know them that way, I can enforce my boundaries better, even after meeting them in person. That's what's worked for me, ymmv
I think we need to build are self-worth so we know we deserve to be treated better. So we do not walk away feeling emotionally upset, put down.... or feel inferior. Feeling self-worth can help in gaining more confidence where you focus on yourself in a healthy way. Another way, I use, is not to get emotionally intertwined in others problems, where I can detach myself instead of thinking I have to help them or I have the answers. I try to stand back from their problems, so I can think clearly, in that way you can decide if you want a relationship with them or not. Or if it can be a healthy relationship. When you want a co-dependent relationship, that is when it is unhealthy when you feel you rely on the person to feel good because you leave yourself open to be abused mentally.....emotionally, which could be by a narcissist or any one else.
I think slowly getting to know someone is key. Keep sex out of it for as long as possible. Narcissistic people tend to want all of you right away and if they don’t get it they are off to the next victim.
Thank you So Much for this Katie. This is something I have been dealing with my entire adult life and it absolutely is directly related to my upbringing. I am so freaking tired of all the narcissistic partners and friendships.
Same here. Luckily I have a very loving & caring husband with 3 beautiful kids. But all my life horrible friends which I really want to break the pattern
Cut the narc partners & relationships out
Actually with me, it's been the narcs picking me because since that I'm a empath. Also my parents--especially my mom was a narcissist and I was groomed and not allowed to have boundaries and such. So I have been studying the signs of narcissism and what makes narcissist choose you. They choose people that have qualities they don't have.
Re. Empath - empathy,
Being taught to be " a good person" to be OVERLY agreeable (...)
Empaths do exist....sorry you're not one@@GinaCruz56
I used attract narcissists like honey to a bee until I reevaluated my life seeing a history of attracting predatory people. This self awareness led me realize that my childhood traumas resulted in trauma bonding and codependency. It’s not until I sought help began healing and building strong boundaries that I began to build healthy relationships. I never had a healthy family model and now I realize how important it is to have a healthy support system to keep harmful people away coz it’s not just narcissistic people you will attract there are BPD, histrionics & sociopaths too and sometimes it’s hard to know which type you’re dealing with.
My Hubby is a covert narcissist Psychopath.! Sickening
people are equalizing narcs and sociopaths, and that's extremely bad and misleading.
Narcissist won't even ask anything from others because they are self absorbed and self oriented, it's sociopaths who will try mimicking that they are your loving friends and all sociopaths are dark empaths.
P.S. I am a narcissist and I have no friends because I don't want to be available 24/7 to anyone, and I try not to have enemies either- as that would also mean having personal connection with people
Over the last 20 years or so I have figured out a lot about these influences in my life. I am not sure which attachment style I have, however I definitely have a narcissist mother, and am still struggling to separate myself from a long term relationship with a person with these tendencies. I have noticed these patterns in my own life and I have learned ways to help me regain my life, so thank you for producing these videos. I use these skills to help me navigate interactions with others and have honed my circle of friends to limit my exposure to these people in some cases and defuse encounters in others. Dogs really are great teachers, they are my favourite people.
This was so spot on. Narcissistic talk gets old but this was perfect.
Some completely destroy themselves, just trying to help others. In the end, there is no one to help them.
That was me, till I learned to unlearn some of my patterns.
Inner Child fantasy. Inner Child may work in mysterious/unconscious ways. Often will be attracting what's familiar not what's good for us. Also Inner Child often wants redemption.
An example would be: "your parent was a narcissist, when growing up, you perhaps tried to change them, you sacrificed your authenticity, You did everything to get the love you wanted and you didn't get it 😢 Then as an adult you attract a similar person who you will be trying to change, you will be ignoring red flags, your boundaries will be crossed, you may be abused 😢
Also, empaths are at risk of ending up in relationships with narcissists.
We often attract the type of "love" that we learned when growing up. Sometimes that "love" is not real love 😢
Been in this marriage with a narc for "only" 5 years but now i understand more and more why I feel broken and crazy...
Why do I feel inexplicably attracted to you?
God help you. You must feel gaslit and question your own insanity. How did you last 5 years. I have a feeling it is hard to keep your own identity in a relationship with a narcissist because you are constantly in fight, freeze or flight.
@@mockingmoniker7443😅
question is do you want to leave the marriage?
@@mockingmoniker7443OH Shit!
Thanks for this video (I’ve never dated a healthy guy). Narcissistic partners, for me, have been the most damaging and hardest to shake. When I see the signs now, I run, even though I’ve accepted this means being alone and never marrying.
Obviously we need a test to 'clear' people to become parents because only the most perfect people can raise a grounded empathetic person.
Parents don't have to be perfect. They do need to be deeply committed to the inner world of their child, to see that child and validate their emotions and to teach them how to cope with what life throws at them, to help them accept that they don't need the approval of others to be okay.
Gaslighting, Guilt tripping and emotional blackmail - yes. Emotional roller coaster - absolutely. All of this developed slowly over time and became worse and worse. I saved myself with going 'no contact" - he found new supply very quickly :)
I respect what you say, Kati. “NPD people can develop self-awareness and possibly change for the better”. However, there could be thousands of people who view this piece who are still in a relationship with one of these humans. Or even people who still haven’t done the inner-work to heal the root cause on how they attract these kinds.
This may give them false hope that their partner or ex-partner may be able to change. The NPD will just use that carrot-on-a-stick to manipulate the situation.
If they are full-blown NPD……….gtfo & run. Never look back and watch your life improve 1000000%.
There are other psychologists that have very informative & helpful videos on this subject and they are EMPHATIC about not expecting a narcissistic person to change, which is where an empathetic person tends to go.
what if you don't pick them, my exsupervisor she was a narc and knew somehow I was a target? she made my life hell for a year and now i'm burnt out and scared of what a new job will bring. She always gaslit me telling me one date and then at meetings in front of people using another date when my work should have been in by, or being demeaning and going out of her way to try and make me look incompetent. It was retraumatizing and I don't want to be a target anymore. I stopped picking them, but i also want to stop being picked by them too.
I’m in this boat, too. You’re not alone.
I think what might be crucial is to set the boundaries early on and stick to it. It's difficult with your supervisor because in a way you depend on them...but when you learn to trust yourself and build confidence you might be strong enough to change jobs or even start your own business...For me the most difficult is the last one:to trust myself and to find courage to go my own way...
Ohmygoodess I’m so sorry u went/are going through that.
Same I didn't pick my boss or adoptive care giver didn't even get to know them till a few days of work. Was horrific.
I have a narcissistic father I didn't pick him either, my advice is boundaries, also don't feed into it and lots of self care!
I don’t choose relationships in this problematic way but I seem to attract people such as coworkers, 2nd tier friends and various others I have to interface with that are like this. I was hoping the video would address the people besides partners. I have thought they sense vulnerability in me as I am gentle and polite. Maybe too much so.
I attract these people as well and I think it is more associated with confidence and Stoic personal philosophy I have adopted. I think a narcissistic person recognizes certain traits and might be intrigued or envious and will eventually these traits will really get to them on a profound mental level. The manager I report to is a grandiose narcissist and my personality type wrecks him, but he is low enough to take very cheap shots on me that I must constantly push back on. I have also realized that these people can be easily handled and manipulated as long as they don't realize I am overtly trying to influence them.
Yes, people will use and abuse people who too nice, especially in work situations.
Hi Kati a year ago, I had therapy for a massive issue that happened with my mother in 2021. I had to wait a while before there was a space for me to start my therapy.
During this time, one of your videos about narcissism came up on my RUclips feed, and I listen to it, and it resonated very strongly with the traits. My mother has
During therapy, I asked my therapist, if my mother could be a narcissist at which point, she said she wasn’t able to diagnose that as she wasn’t a psychiatrist, recommended a book about narcissistic mothers and how they treat daughters. She couldn’t find what she was going to recommend, but my partner looked on the Internet and found what turned out to be a very informative book about the subject, which I read, as well as did my counselling. It was very hard to come to terms with, but it gave me a massive understanding about narcissism, and the way I was, and why I behaved the way I did. it’s two years and five months since I last spoke to also my mother. It’s been very hard the pain never fully goes away but I am learning to live with it. So thank you
Narcissists can’t change unfortunately. They may pretend they have though…but of course nothing is ever their fault.
Y'all need to stop acting like you know more than doctors and psychologists. This has been studied, and it's not them faking it. You can't fake out brain scans. If you're not feeling empathy, that part of your brain won't light up.
They can change if they want to. That's the difference. Having the ability to do something doesn't mean you will. People used to say the same thing about people with BPD. Now we know 90% of them actually go into remission.
Your experience is just that. YOUR experience. This is why scientists have to go through so much training to put bias aside the rest of us aren't able to do. Our opinions and experiences get in the way of reality.
They CAN. The question is if they want to. The answer seems to be no.
It's called the 'artist temperament'. yes, they are self-absorbed a**holes. I did an internship program at an art institute in high school and all they did was make me not want to go to art school. It was a never ending circle jerk of narcissists. "You're great and I'm great, aren't we great?" It was nauseating.
It's more like I'm greater n better than u. U don't deserve me in your life and give me all u have to prove your worth
Yes it's your responsibility.. Narcissists would not do things if they weren't allowed or could get away with.
Thank you so much for talking about difficult friendships.. I watch many videos on various channels about narcissistic traits in romantic relationships, but I also want to know how to navigate and set healthy boundaries in friendships, family relationships, work relationships, etc.
I agree with you, SigneKristineHermind. Friendships have caused me the biggest problem. My mom was like what Dr. Ramani describes as a neglectful narcissist. It takes a lot of living before you finally realize you were raised by someone who is indifferent to you, who took care of your basic survival needs but who couldn't care less about you as a person. I have met too many people who only have room for me as long as I don't cause them any trouble.
I hope narcissists are able to actually gain self-awareness on their issue for real, but I usually don't really expect that from day to day narcissists.
Just wow. My son told me I need to watch these vids and he was so right. Today is my narcissist mother’s “celebration of life” and I am not going. Why? because my so called family shuns me, humiliates me and generally makes me invisible to the point of literally walking by me as if I am not there. I am left out of family photos etc. Why? because I read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud while in therapy and it changed my life. I no longer accept being bullied, name called or gas lighted. I no longer feel unworthy or less valued than others. Now I found Kati and I am hooked. Watching videos on a roll! Thank you Kati. You confirmed so many things for me.
Pablo Picasso took much of his art inspiration from an Algerian teenage girl!
First five questions just confirmed MY DOG IS A NARCISSIST!
I found two books to help me on this situation. Critical thinking and Emotional blackmail. Life gets easier when you have these structures and guides in your life. Being someone who easily feels guilty gives an opportunity for the AS types to take advantage of your character and realizing that, made me more cautious of who to trust as I am a highly open person as well. Not a great combination of traits to have Ha ha. Once you're free it gets so much better.
Who are the authors? Thank you for sharing!
@@annieothername CT- Kaye, Sharon. EB - Susan Forward
I appreciate it!
Thank you for explaining how avoidant attachment style works with the tendency for being drawn to narcissists, that has been breaking my brain for decades. I’m a healing avoidant, and all of the relationships that I had so far have been with people who possess a good deal of strong narcissistic traits. Now it makes much more sense to me as to why, and I have way more hope for not falling into the same trap again.
However, I would greatly appreciate if you could also explain why narcissists may be drawn to avoidant people, as this is still a riddle to me, even though I’ve read and watched a lot about narcissism. It seems like avoidants are the opposite of what narcissists need. I’m asking because in many cases it actually starts with them being drawn to me, and not vice versa, and I just slowly give up to their attention as soon as I stop seeing them as a threat, and they start seeming like an ok person to be around (which later, of course, proves wrong).
P.S. thank you so much for all that you do for your viewer’s mental health!
Simply put avoidant don’t talk much, npds who fail to get a bighearted generous supply (cuz many of those are actually exhibitionist communal npds) start going for what they consider the second best kind of supply, and it’s the shy isolated person which they consider easier to gaslight, avoidant people are probably not that but they seem like it
@@MuYangYe I like your assesment, a lot of good points here, thanks for sharing. Isolation and perceived modesty that stems from reserved character might really be some of the reasons why narcissists find avoidants an easy target. I think I would also add disconnect between emotional state and reason to the pile: avoidants value rational assesment over emotions, and in some cases they are so oblivious of their own emotional responses, that they may end up ignoring even the biggest "something here is completely off" signs, if they are provided with enough misleading and seemingly reasonable arguments.
@@neant2046you do realize that people with highly narcissistic traits more so always lean avoidant in their attachment… no matter what. Their game is all about withholding after a period of interest/mutual reciprocation (idealize phase+devalue phase). They feel just the same discomfort in that closeness that you say you are healing from. Which I salute you for as thats really hard to overcome when it’s so engrained!
@@Roofdaddynick from what I observe in my narcissists, they are all more of anxious / fearful-avoidant: they need other people in order to regulate their emotions (often in quite toxic ways), as they can't do it themselves, yet their shame-based core makes them reject the same people they turn to for emotional regulation once their vulnerabilities get revealed. Avoidant people tend to do the emotional regulation on their own, preferably alone, as other people, unlike in case with narcissists, disregulate them even further, and that causes even deeper distress. Plus, narcissists habitually to put the blame for their unprocessed emotions on other people, which is more of an anxious style trait. Avoidant people usually belittle, sugarcoat or bottle up their experiences.
Being oblivious of their own vulnerabilities and supressed emotions until they blow up, though, is a common trait both for avoidants and narcissists indeed... and one of the saddest ones, imo.
This actually got me thinking that this may be another reason for some narcissists to get attracted to avoidants: it is possible, that those of them who lean more anxious in their attachment style, make the same mistake as all anxious people seem to make in relation to avoidants: they view avoidants as perfectly regulated people, who will not bother them with their own needs and emotions, but instead will cater for the narcissist's emotional needs... which never happens this way, as the first part of this assumption is true, but the second one isn't: avoidants find it incredibly hard to cater even for their own emotional needs, let alone the needs of other people, especially when they are disregulated. They usually avoid such situations altogether.
It is not about what you attract, it is what you tolerate!!!
Self love deficit disorder describes a pattern of relationships where you contribute love, care, and respect but it is not reciprocated. Once you see that the love, care, and respect is not being reciprocated, you stay because of your fear of being alone. Your fear of being alone is what drives your decisions to stay in relationships where your needs are not being met. The fear of being alone is why you tolerate poor treatment. You do not love your because of childhood wounds.
I like the phrase "healing attachment wounds." I have fallen into all of the attachment styles and have struggled to identify with any one of them completely. Some situations bring out each one differently. But I like to think that I am gradually continuing to progress toward a more and more secure attachment style
Kati, please consider taking this video down and reposting it without the "Fun Facts About Narcissists" interludes. *Survivors of abuse shouldn't have to be subjected to PR for their abusers while seeking help.*
It's so difficult to digest the concessions you make for narcissists. It triggers my past family and romantic wounds. It is challenging to see the humanity in people who undermined your humanity to unimaginable extents.
It’s also a way to try to work out our disastrous relationships in childhood
I got assigned to a female doctor as my primary care physician.
One day I happened to bump into her at the local market. It was
a pleasant surprise. Because of COVID, I had never actually seen her face before. I had been able to recognize her just from her eyes!
She was accompanied by her husband and four children. She’s also younger than me and I saw she was attractive. She seemed like the perfect woman. I thought about how I hadn’t really aimed very high with my romantic partners. But here was a new model for me to look for, someone who was both attractive, smart AND successful.
Unfortunately, this image of perfection was shattered a few months later when she tricked me into undergoing a testicle exam against my will. She dangle my prescription for Prozac as the means by which to control, manipulate and humiliate me in front of another woman amongst her medical staff.
This female doctor turned out to be a full blown NPD. I didn’t even know what an NPD was before.
This PERFECT person turned out to be the CRUELEST MONSTER I had ever encountered.
I am still in a state of shock.
@@FenianPhoenixRisesi totally agree
SO TRUE (in my case word by word) I thought it's normal. The beginning of trusting people that's treating me bad and always trying to change them ALWAYS WAITING , HOPING, PLEASING, Rinse & REPEAT 😊
No wonder so many of us draw back and pull away from people ! 😮
I thank all people who help narcissist victims!
Believe me, it is easy to shake them off too. Do it often and the pleasure is all ours ( without any need of guilt). Their disappointment and anger is our reward.🎉
Thank you Katie ❤ i've been trying to ask you a question a bunch of times 😂 and now I think I've found the answer in this video ❤❤❤❤❤
It is with great dispare that I can say that I have made it impossible for me to ever be effected by a narcissist again. Knowing that I do attract narcissists because of my very quiet and passive ways, I simply chose to delete the social aspect of my existence in its entirety. I dress in the most bland ways. I avoid all gatherings. I seek no friendships nor romances. I avoid all interpersonal, social interactions. If someone seems attracted to me in an amicable or amorous manner, that is the person I will avoid first and the rest of people secondary. One might think, this means I have no friends. This is a certainty. However, far more importantly, I have no users, a fake girlfriend, false friends, abusers, liars, enemies nor narcissists, in my life. The life I have chosen has far more benefits than negatives. After all, is it not worth every effort to avoid negative people?
I don't know how i 'm still alive. NPD mother did everything to end me. Father & brother collaborating. I am a proud 60 yrs old survivor and wish we had a " me too " movement for victims of NPD individuals. If anybody is interested ...
This is too spot on for me to watch then entire video right now. It's painful and sickens me to listen to and watch something that is so very familiar. I'm now 67, and I only began to find out many of the details of my childhood that I have no real memory of, but older relatives told me about in my late 40's. Sadly - many of the patterns of my life NOW make sense.
It's no surprise someone who named themself The Great is a rumored narcissist.
😂😂😂
Moral of the story is if you grew up with narcissistic abuse STAY SINGLE and REMAIN INDEPENDENT. Sadly, best to avoid close friendships, too. You will always be a target despite the amount of counselling you receive. If you have boundaries, narcs will abuse you. If you don't have boundaries, narcs will take advantage of you. The only other option is to be a narc yourself. So best to ditch them all and go solo.
Well that’s glum.
Don't listen to this advice. Worst thing you can do in life is to live in fear
@@EchelonPandora You don't live in fear if you are independent. Peace.
Hyper independence is a trauma response. Hopefully you can get through this ❤ there are healthy people in the world you can have relationships with if you do the inner work. Yes it sucks that we didn’t make ourselves with issues but it is our choice of how to handle them. I didn’t turn into a hermit but worked hard on myself and now have fulfilled relationships with friends and family 😊
Anxious person here. Friends tend to always be avoidant. It sucks.
Gurl yes!!! And as a mental health professional myself I have struggled with this. Thank you for this short and informative video. I'm sharing!
One of the things that I have learned from experience is that gaslighting is not a tactic of narcissists. Gaslighting is not consciously or intentionally employed. It is simply a way of being.
Isn't it true that we are all narcissistic in some situations? I am both anxious and avoidant. How does an adult undo early childhood experiences that are so deeply ingrained as to be almost unknowable? Like water to a fish. You speak some formidable truths.
Thank you Kati for all of your help!
Of course :) Glad I could be here! xoxo
I attract mosquitoes too, but I dont fall in love with them. thats they key.
Didn't see my Avoidant attachment style in quite the same way but you are correct. Was always the new kid because the narc parent had to move when they perceived a loss of control. You become quite flippant and treat all new groups of people in the same way. Sort of like you already knew them but not like they were going to be around for long. Like life is one long weekend convention. You're not really vetting people doing this and they often are around longer than a short period of time. This is enough encouragement for a Narcissist as it is unlikely they will not notice someone not paying attention but still being if not nice, sociable. Though regular people would notice the flippancy. So you've messed up on 2 fronts, you've got a narc cling on and put off the regular people all at once, a great days work!
Kati, I haven't watched a video of yours in some time. I have to say you are looking better than ever.❤
You described this so clearly, thanks for that. I have the avoidant attachment and you described me 100% :)
In this new relationship I thought indeed that the emotional detachment was a strength of her, which was my mirror. While at the same time I found my narccsstic mother very sad because she can't share her feelings and thoughts and is emotional unreachable.
I used to attract narcs back when I thought I didn't deserve better. I knew well what predators they were, but I didn't think I deserved better than that at the moment. I have a childhood friend though, a pure carebear and he attracts them now and then. We both learned to make the process short with these personalities though, they can be dangerous.
I'm in the phase or rediscovering selflove and the love for other people and will to help has started to shine and I've started to attract my tribe of social workers, psychological nurses and other people that help for work and tbh, I finally start to find my people as well as getting over the last ripples of my demons. I've not only managed to cut back on selfmedication but actually stopped majority of it and this has furher encouraged me to make some healthier life choices furthering my healing. Stay strong brothers and sisters.
I like to imagine a narcissist crying as they're sent away to be executed. Saying they can't change who they are or what they are while begging for mercy but only getting hate instead of mercy.
That's what these people deserve.
Right there with you, buddy.
It makes me think of the stock villains in TV and movies who do terrible and sadistic things to people, but when the moment of reckoning comes, they become weak, blubbering cowards begging for mercy. NOPE!
You have a good point............
Also, can we stop with this ridiculous narrative that everyone is a narcissist. Not everyone who has treated you/someone badly is actually a narcissist. This term is getting dangerously thrown around and it’s becoming ridiculous, overused and misused.
I couldn’t agree more. I ended up dating one & getting engaged to one but I had no idea what I was in until I saw one of her videos years ago on narcissists. It made it me aware of what was going on, the gaslighting, the mood changes, the love bombing. I completely agree it’s being thrown around & I hate it so much bc I feel so invalidated by my experience. Like just bc someone is mean & has no def awareness or is 100% always self centered, doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist. I think u can have TRAITS of a narcissistic personality, but to be a legit full blown narcissist is so different in my opinion.
Amen! It’s everywhere all the time and has been for a while now. And it seems as though everyone who isn’t narcissistic is an empath, as if they have some super power. (Delusions of grandeur much)
I agree with that and I hate how much that word gets thrown around, too. And I feel like it’s always the legit narcs that throw the term around so loosely. Lol
We do all have narcissistic traits. As I understand it to have the disorder you need 6 or 7 aspects to qualify as one.
@@LavenderHazelwood I can agree kind of. I think narcissistic traits can be personality trails, however a legit psychopath narcissist is different than narcissistic personality disorder yk? Like there’s a fine line & I think it’s in whichever way u use ur traits. Bc people can say “oh she so self centered” when really she just practices self love & boundaries in her life. Yk? Like fine like stuff but the line is def there
really thought provoking making me question a lot of who, how and what i interact with people how your attachment affects it. thanks kati.
I come from a family of narcissists, had alot of issues in childhood and my teens similar to conduct disorder.
Struggle now alot in my late 20's with close relations and work, Im not sure where I am on any scale of disorders currently, I want to be better but I think I am the problem...
You are NOT the problem and this is NOT your fault. I have a family of narcs and now my daughter has also high traits due to influence from my dad. Keep your boundaries strong and be authentic to yourself always. I say a lot to my narcs “if you continue to speak dis respectfully / yell at me / etc, I will hang up the phone. You can call me back when you are calm and can treat me with respect.” That’s one example, but it’s helped me a lot. Stay strong - be kind to yourself. 🙏🏼
@@suzanneoldfield921 Thanks for the kind words, Ill set better boundaries.
Hope you reach through to your daughter.
Confident not arrogant people can be really intimidating to people. I've noticed that something I take for granted, my confidence and comfort of being myself and being able to have a conversation in which I ask my much younger cousins how they're doing can make them nervous and they turn red. The only time I felt that nervous was when I went on stage for the first time. It must be so painful for someone to have that level of anxiousness when they are in a very small group of relatives. I thought I was shy when I was young but this is on another level, I feel so bad for him. I think he feels bad because he's not doing anything amazing after leaving college, hopefully he will realize, I'm not judging him but rooting for him. Could it be that the younger generation has a difficult time with in person socializing rather than behind a screen?
I HATED when family members (cousins, aunts, uncles etc) asked me how I’m doing. It puts me on the spot to have to kind of state my resume. I get that you think you’re not being judgmental but it puts the other person on the spot. Not everyone feels comfortable talking about the things they’re doing. If people would just small talk about other things, eventually it gets deeper on its own
@@michigan1085 We did small talk too. There's actually something going on with his Grandmother (my cousin by marriage) and her jealousy of me. She made the whole situation so awkward, we came to visit her in the hospital and I brought a balloon and a get well card and when we arrived her grandchild and wife were there. Also his wife didn't help by asking him loudly "Why are you turning red?" I thought that was rude of her to say that in front of all us. I didn't say anything. The grandmother cousin is jealous of my family and basically doesn't want her grand children to even know I exist. The grandmother is most likely going to die before I am because she has cancer and is older than I am so I think it's selfish of her to not let him get to know our family. It's her jealousy that is making the situation more awkward. Truthfully, I didn't even have time to make a hospital visit and then she acts rude to me. I'm starting to think I just need to be done with them. They also never thanked me for giving them a microwave for their wedding, they never even acknowledged it.
Confidence wrecks a truly narcissistic person. Best tool in the tool box for managing these defected people.
I didn't know about the 4 attachments styles (I've only heard it, but didn't know they are 4, and what they were):
anxious
fearful
avoidant
secure
I learned something new today. :)
I have avoidant attachment style and everything in this video is so spot on!
I almost didn't watch this video because of the title seeming to victim/survivor blame (as opposed to 'this is why narcissists are attracted to you' which would seem more empowering to survivors of narcissistic abuse). Thanks so much for acknowledging in the video that it isn't our faults! To anyone reading the title, know Kati isn't blaming you!!
ITS definitely linked to very early experience with people an older sibling probably who u tried to please constantly but could never predict what reaction u would receive.This would create constant tension.
this is so increcibly helpful. After the third abusive and quite traumatic relationship (at least I did not have the intimate romantic relationship any more, but a friend who betrayed my trust in him) with a narcisist I was wondering what I was missing. I had researched abusers tactics and knew how to spot them, I had focused-with the support of a therapist-for years on improving my selfawareness, my selfworth, on acknowledging and validating my feelings, communicating my needs, setting boundaries and I still walked into the same trap again. I was desperately wondering what I was missing, what the blind spot was that let me fall for manipulation. Even though I did face attachement wounds and my anxious attachement style in therapy I was not aware of how it relates to narcisism. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for pointing that out.
You dont atrack anyone, it is Just what is familiar to you
Re:: drinking more water,
It's smart to have some really big pint glasses of water on your bedside table, every morning… That way you'll see if you're pre-hydrating your day... the evidence is right there reminding you.
You can pretty much start hydrating half an hour before getting out of bed, or an hour before breakfast. It feels great. Health to you..
I have quiet borderline personality disorder so I seem to attract narccicists like a magnet, however I have come to understand tactics like non-engagement and starving them of ego supply. Now they tend to give up relatively quickly and go looking for an easier meal
People who live authentically and objectively are targets for narcs because they see said people as a way to truly validate their delusions.
help.. I need help. I was emotionally manipulated by my psychiatrist and his friend/co-founder. Unraveling this on my own this entire past year has been detrimental to my mental health... and he is just radio silent... but he still has an "online presence" so I guess that's what's most important... ugh.
I became very close to a colleague who offered me a place to stay in order to distance myself from my mother. After 3 years, I'm distancing myself from her because my self esteem has been eroding. I'm grateful my partner and best friend have secure attachment and are consistent in their love.
It sounds so much like bpd too. But I think that people with bpd have a heart and actually care (narcissistic people don’t care or have empathy) We have empathy and are very sensitive.
In case u wondered the difference between narcissism vs. borderline.
I thought I had grown out of this. But in the last two years I find I have regressed and am now on narcissistic friendship number two that is leaving me with little sleep and no desire to eat.
Not sure what’s up but praying I find what’s caused me to get back to attracting these folks.
I'm healing myself and I've got no time for people and their drama
Aaaah, the hope things will improve... Nope. After a fun and rapid first month, the following 6 months before the abrupt end were absolutely exhausting. Nothing was ever enough and yet we do what we can to try to change that.
Loneliness may follow the end of a relationship with a narcissist, but our health is more important. Wishing everyone the very best and someone deserving coming into your lives.
I've only READ or HEARD ONLINE about people with NPD actually getting out of their behavior.
Never happened to me in reallife ... met TOO MANY. And It ALWAYS went destructive in the end!
yep, my mom is a narcissist
took me 38 years to figure it out
finally started getting professional help recently
A friend of mine said I am a target for people because I am good looking, not my fault and they give me a hard time because of it. I grew up a gentleman in a world of people who took it upon themselves to give me the hardest time they could, I use to get mad and beat them up but now I seclude. I was very secure and confident people felt when they first meet me i am very arrogant but later they didn't feel that way. I am so angry and hate people so much that I have been utterly alone for the last 30 years. More likely frustrated because I can see them coming but cannot stop the intersection
I can relate-I have come to the conclusion that a good portion of people do not source their own energy but try to steal it from those who do. In the nd it's a question of spiritual connection. The people I truly connect with tend to be loners like myself.
100% know how you feel. People are not worth the trouble, for the most part. Just find peace from within.
I know what you mean ..If we weren’t so dang good lookin! Lol
Thomas edison killed an elephant and stole someones work so I think we can confirm that he was a narc!
There is a fine line that is showing up here in videos like this. Saying the victim wasn't loved or has attachment issues is nothing short of gaslighting and corroborating a narcissist's actions. It's sick and demented in a covert way. In fact, psychopathy is not far away from narcissism and there are very few, probably less than 1% of people, that will NOT fall victim to a psychopath or covert narcissist. The spectrum of behavoir is wide for them. I really hope the LCSW and PhD's understand that. If not, then turn in your license.
EXACTLY!!!!!!!
I believe that Picasso's blatant lack of artistic value and his fragile attachment to it speaks for itself.😬
stalking harrasment and intimidation a first class cxxt