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Please don't fall into the trap of staying around for, and supporting, someone with high grade narcissism because you can see their wounds and vulnerabilities and feel sorry for them. A high grade one will recognise your good nature and your pity and exploit it - they will exact revenge on you and you won't see it coming as they are highly skilled in gaslighting and manipulation. Slowly, calmly and carefully walk away. Don't ruffle their feathers and don't challenge them. Recognise that you will feel guilt and pain for 'abandoning' that person. That's OK, that makes you a caring, empathetic person. Keep yourself and your loved ones safe.
Being afraid of these people is not the fn answer. take your power back.. they bleed red n piss yellow. There scared little children you scared of a kid?? Ghost them let them behave crazy n let them dig there own grave. No fear only strength 💪 f them
Truly appreciate this video. I’ve been married to a man on the spectrum for 32 years. It’s been so hurtful. For so long, his behavior was an enigma because it was illogical. Now I understand and it is sad. He always seemed to live inside his own bubble. He would not, could not let me in. As a consequence, I’ve lived my entire adult life being married yet alone and unloved. I hope that these videos will help people to identify people who are unable to return their love and regretfully, walk away in the hope of finding someone with whom they may be seen for their own unique beauty and conversely, value and experience the same in another as they travel through the suffering and joy afforded in this life. What a treasure that would be… alas , it is too late for me. But I will finish the race with dignity and compassion, for myself and those around me, with the love of God.
Me too. I wasn't loved. I was lusted after at the start, i was used for a place to stay, i made him look 'normal' and functioning to the outside world. I gave him a cosy place and made life easy for him. I knew he had younger-life trauma but didn't delve too deep. I was too young and ignorant to fully realise that witnessing or suffering abuse follows you and shapes unless you are of strong character to not pass those abuses on. I wasn't his life partner, i became his mother figure that he felt he had to hide things from. He didn't trust me or communicate openly with me. 20 years and i never fully knew him. The stories he made up to people - that he could drive, that he met his real father, that his mum was raped in front of him (i dont know if true or not but my heart bled for him) now after discovering his triple life i have no way of knowing what was authentic. All i know is he has abandoned his two children and left me raising them alone as he has nothing to give them apart from disorder. He can't be relied upon, he is a troubled soul with no deep substance. He can't even love his own babies, he doesnt know how. He always said/says what he needs to to get out an awkward situation truth or not. Hence the decades of (now obvious) lies and half truths. He hid his depth and was all surface. I feel sorry for him now. I couldn't love that level of damage especially when he turns it back on me, to damage me. He projects his hurt and manipulates situations so he is always the victim. I wish I'd known all this even 10 years ago... I went down a youtube, facebook, online courses, trauma groups etc rabbit hole of trying to understand what happened to me and my children, why didn't i see his troubles before he brought us all down with him. Why didnt i listen to myself when he'd say something that pricked my intuition but i ignored? I've spent 6 years unravelling his skein. I now want to study psychology or counselling as I never knew such hidden characters could exist so overtly and semi-charmingly without anyone fully realising. All the clues were there i just didn't have the knowledge or info to piece them together. I broadbrushed and glossed over and gave the benefit of the doubt and he used that to his advantage. It's been an insane journey yet im so proud of myself for not fully crumbling from his treatment of us. I realise it's not my fault he was so clever, so ashamed. I'm not fully a co-dependent, i dont lack confidence in this aspect of life, i did question oddities, i set boundaries, but he squirmed and twisted and made me out to be controlling and the bad guy when i was only asking for bare minimums. It's crazy how you can be abused without even realising until afterwards. Now to help my children heal from their fathers abandonment and maltreatment... How the heck am i going to do that!?
I think the breaking point for me was how the took the criticism, I was always really passive and careful when I pointed out his behavior but it always ended with me being the problem...
@@LoveBeliefTruthThe same accusation was made of Alice Miller, and judging from what her children said the accusation was correct. However, that doesn’t mean that Alice Miller’a insights are not of value. She gained them because she experienced it outwardly and inwardly. A person who doesn’t have such a narcissistic injury would likely not analyze it at all.
It’s because he has read Pete Walker who says in his book that he believes ALL mental health disorders, or at least the majority, are due to childhood trauma.
Actually, this should be the only perspective, how to look at NPD, BPD, narcissistic traits, etcetera. It maybe the most human and most dehumanizing disease at a time. Human because everyone needs egoistic mechanisms in order to survive. Dehumanizing, because it gets a person even more far away from being an at-ease-feeling human being, by becoming a threat to everyone's emotions around. As a result, those people never get what they truly have been starving for since the beginning of their trauma. An inner world embedded in emotions of trust, security and attachment.
I’m the scapegoat child in a viper pit of narcs and monkeys. Until I learned about NPD, I practically begged them to tell me what I was doing wrong, what things I could change about myself. But they either made stuff up or said “you’re fine” but talked about me behind my back.
Likely nothing worth mentioning wrong w u,and much more so w your accusers.I deal w the same thing w my family.They have caused me to question myself so much that i almost became a narcissist myself,certainly bearing a few traits,but these fade over time the more we become self aware as well as aware of the hurt and manipulation our closest loved ones can deal out at times.
I hope you do the inner work to get yourself out of the pit. Figure out what you can change in you to be less dependent on others for your sense of self. And get as far away from them as you can. You'll be so much happier.
@@Barbara078_11 : I’ve tried to steer away from using animals to describe people cuz it’s not fair to animals, I should have said vipers disguised as poodle puppies. Thank you, I will take care. 🤗
@@brotherlittlefoot2216 : They cause us to question ourselves, something they could never do! We may have narc traits at times, which is normal for anyone. They hate me because I’m not like they are. They want to believe that we’re weak but they know we are strong.
There's definitely a spectrum on disorders and I totally see a genetic component as well. Lookup Cluster Personality Disorders to see the different combinations of possible personality disorders. Anybody notice ADHD vs high academics in the family members? I see the presence of both in 2 different families.
Everybody knowledgeable about narcissism knows it is in spectrum. But I would strongly recommend you to work on your ego if you feel need to write things like this (your first sentence)
I think it's interesting learning about this stuff. Personally I see a lot of narcissistic traits in a lot of people including myself sometimes. Or at least some of the manipulation even when it's not intended. I am definitely not a narcissist but I try and recognize behaviors that I don't want to be participating in
A certain level of narcissistic traits is necessary to survive. You can't give all your food and water to others, for instance, or you'll die. True goodness and altruism requires you to put yourself first with some things so you can help others at a maximum level. The tension between the two of selflessness and selfishness is part of the human condition and requires that we all hold ourselves accountable all the time while using introspection to ensure we are our best selves. There's nothing wrong with that-- it's alright and ALL right. As for picking up behaviors, a lot of us call those "fleas." Any time you around disordered people, you'll adapt to them by picking up mirrored or opposite behaviors that counter or match the toxic person. This is normal, but you have to be aware of it and work to stop doing these things when not around the toxic person. Sometimes, it's absolutely necessary to do these things while around them due to the difficulties in managing toxic people. That's OK, it isn't good, but it can be as good as it gets when you have to deal with these folks.
I like both responses from LIL C and Elizabeth London. I have heard that all of us, even those empathetic ones, have narcissistic traits. It is part of being human and surviving this world. I understand it to be about balance and healthy boundaries...and willingness to grow and learn. I find it so tricky then to navigate relationships, trying to determine what is a normal level of narcissism I am seeing and when the indications are of someone who is outright NPD. It takes time to figure that out sometimes, depending on the person's background....like Elizabeth said....have they picked up fleas? Are they unintentionally mirroring old programming? Ultimately, if one wants a healthy relationship, it needs to be with a person who has your attitude okcool - has the ability to recognize behaviors and choose to work on them and not participate - well said. But there will never be perfection in any of us so allowing room to forgive and grow with one another when we are displaying some narcissistic behaviours needs to happen or the only other choice is to not have relationships at all.
@@elizabethlondon7754 I agree 100%. It's not unreasonable to look after one's needs, while at the same time realising that we don't exist alone, and that the quality of all our existences are interdependent. An attitude of balanced goodwill is necessary for such relationships to exist. Some just don't read or understand the memo.
I've been to therapy for 10 months due to childhood trauma and and cptsd. I definitely live in this "bubble". I can't maintain relationships, obsession with success, and I struggle with empathy. It's all based out of fear. I definitely believe I'm not a full blown narcissist but im on the spectrum. I just wanna feel normal and like I'm not in a bubble all the time. I wanna have healthy relationships and not be scared that I'll end up neglecting or using the people I love, or supposed to love.
Good on you for seeking help. Was going to put a flippant joke here about me not needing any help 'cos I'm already great (ho ho), but maybe you don't need that.
I was raised in that black and white, I'm either perfect or evil, childhood environment. I'm glad I'm able to work through my narcissism, fear, and guilt, because I have a baby daughter and I want the abuse to stop with me.
The titles mean nothing to me anymore. If you're toxic and refuse to take accountability for your bad behavior, I'm not sticking around to wait for that change. No more empty promises. Show me or I'm gone.
Excellent Richard you have just confirmed that my father had full blown NPD. If anyone of us dared challenge or criticise him he would go absolutely ballistic! Out of all proportion to the challenge or criticism. He would also storm out to the pub and not come back till closing time when he would go to bed and wake up hours later and my mother would be reheating his dinner for him. If we came even five minutes late to the table we were shamed. My mother was a complete doormat so her response to his bullying was fawn, mine was freeze in that I would retreat to my bedroom and withdraw into books, my sister's was flight in that she would rush round doing chores madly. I am learning so much from you - it is like having a light switched on in a dark room.
I started to suffer this much through my last relationship with a narcissistic person. I’m in almost year 2 of the detachment process, almost 5 months of no contact and almost 100% no contact. I feel now like there is a kind of contagious element with narcissism. Imagine, not being seen or heard for so long by your narcissistic partner, it creates a louder and overcompensatory environment for the non-narc partner, who becomes more self serving and manipulative just trying to cling to whatever value he/she unwittingly gave away to the abuse over the years. It’s basically hell. What saved me is that I was not the root cause Narc, my root nature called me back to into authenticity and I’m grateful for the exit.
YES. Great point. I think there is definitely a knock-on effect. When you never receive the attention, especially pos. attention, there is a need that just grows and grows, or completely withers. That is compensatory, I think, like he said. I don't think that makes someone narcissistic though, I think it just makes a person needy. I think it's okay to be needy sometimes! It is difficult though if others don't know the reason behind it all. Glad to hear it ended well for you. 😊
I heard the term "narc fleas" where you end up mirroring some of the narcs behaviors for survival, and because that's the modus operandi operating for so long, and because you lost yourself, you may find yourself using those techniques.
I work in mental health and there are numbers and numbers of people with NPD who manipulate and using other people system in general for their own benefits. It’s sad seeing many colleagues going through breakdowns . Continue educating ourselves, having healthy boundaries,doing reflection and debriefing in a team keeps us sane. Thank you Richard for impact in to society you put .We need more people like that !
@@gabyponte6497Narcissus was an athlete in Rome, known to be very vain. That's where the term came from. Many people are vain. NPD is a Personality Disorder as a result of childhood trauma. NPD may be rare, but narcissistic traits are quite common, hence the distinction, low grade, some traits.
@SoundsBogus the poster specifically stated that they are surrounded with many people with npd. I'm fully aware of the history of the term narcissist. I was responding to the posters actual language. Nothing I stated was not factual. If someone believes that they are surrounded with narcissists...it is highly unlikely statistically speaking. If someone believes they are surrounded by countless narcissists they may need to reevaluate THEMSELVES. Vanity and vain behavior is part of the human condition, NPD is not a common problem.
Great content. Just a note, I made the decision to divorce based on hundreds of hours of combing through RUclips videos to help make sense of what on earth I was dealing with. And that decision was the best, healthiest and most adult decision I have ever made. Thanks to you RUclips because traditional therapy just wasn't helping and I couldn't afford it anyway. I know you're just putting out a disclaimer to avoid complications but I'm just putting it out there that it's possible to watch RUclips and be adult about it 😂
Oh, traditional therapy kept me trapped for years! "It's not as bad as you think." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill!" "Try to see his side." Etc. Awful.
@@sarahlongstaff5101 So help you if you get a therapist that's uninformed about NPD & narcissistic abuse...The USUAL rules of therapy just don't apply when a narc is involved🙄.A LOT of people get gaslit even more by marriage counseling & whatnot for example...This is almost always due to a lack of awareness about narcissistic abuse.
i think them flying into rage is not yet an indicator, because many people are super insecure and don't take criticism lightly, but then they cool down and accept it after a while. I think if they keep ruminating about what you say days after and won't stop till the punish you - that's the indicator.
You can be sensitive to criticism and have insecurities, but being abusive and vindictive, seeking revenge, and holding grudges shouldn't be your way of dealing with it. The intention of plotting and seeking toxic behavior is a huge red flag and needs to be addressed.
This fellow is right about people who are broken and selfishly defensive. The thing is, they'll hurt you the same as the intentional ones, maybe worse. Because they can make you genuinely feel wanted, while they are constantly unconsciously conspiring to another end. It's like being in a relationship with two different women. Make no mistake in how even this can destroy your life.
Absolutely, describes my ex perfectly. After about the 20th fight in 2.5 years I said I didn’t like the way she treated me and said it was time I put a stop to our relationship. She rage texted me she was done, that I wasn’t boyfriend or husband material and if she saw me in public she would punch me in my stupid face. So two weeks later I reached out to a previous ex/friend, cuz I just wanted to hear a friendly voice. That friend and I got drunk and she stayed over, though nothing happened. Well, current ex found out and started absolutely losing it. Putting up vicious posters full of lies around my condo building, hate texting. It was terrifying stuff. She could be so loving, but she was Dr. Jeckle and Mrs. Hyde for sure.
What my dad used to say about living with my mother. He’d say to her “I can’t answer you, because I don’t know which one you are right now.” My poor dad.
Really, ultimately it doesn't matter whose broken up into what category, sub- category or whatever. The bottom line is someone is going to get hurt and usually very badly, and it is never THEM.
This tells me to look at myself, as well as others. I want to make sure I never, never treat anyone this way, even in the slightest, even when they're lashing out, being unruly, belligerent, bashing, badgering, bringing up their own pain in place of mine, acting paranoid, or being outright abusive. The only choice is to leave, and try not to get hoovered back in by "you never loved me," etc. When their mistakes are minimized, while yours, no matter how insignificant, are exaggerated and used as a platform and justification for their increasingly bad behavior and dishonesty: leave and do not look back. No good will come of it, and it'll propel you backward years in your self-work, trust, and secure attachment style. If you feel sick or physically weakened around someone, like your strength is leaving you, then leave. If the nastiness only seems to be toward you and not others (friends, clients, or even strangers): leave. If there is an air of altruism, while being a monster in private: LEAVE. I believe you, Richard, when you say that some people are deeply narcissistic in their relationships, but not outside of them. Thank you for validating it in such deep and thoughtful detail. I learned a great deal about myself, but I wish it hadn't taken such big chunks of mental and emotional flesh to do it. I feel like I lost years of growth, and I'm trying to find my way back. Your videos are helping so many of us.
I think the low grade ones reserve their nastiness for their significant other so no one else will see them for what they really are. Only in private does the mask drop.
May I ask what helped you see this problem? I think it would be *extremely* useful to many of us here who are wondering if we can help the people in our lives with this trait or disorder, and if so, how to go about it. Was this something you came to on your own, or through the actions of someone else? Thank you for your post whether or not you respond to this message. It's really good to know that some people can make progress, even if it's not the people in our own lives. All the best to you!
What a beautiful comment, thank you for sharing and blessings on your new path. It is the best gift that you can give your family and people who love you.
Same here, I faced my narcissist tendencies over a period of time, 25 to 30 years ago. It was associated with alcoholism, which I also overcame. What made me face it? I finally came face to face with the amount of hurt I had caused, and the permanent damage I had inflicted. I just couldn't live with myself anymore
Completely agree, 09:56 to 10:48. Do not, under any circumstances, fall for any amount of innocence or vulnerability. That's what got me to fall in love (not just the talent, intellect, professional accomplishments, and seemingly great and wondrous parts of who they were)... and that's what burned me, ultimately. Yes, Dr. Jekyll and Mr.-Miss-Hyde can exist in the same body. I know. I was with them.
Experience with a low grade narc: the person was open to take feedback and did try a bit to implement it (that is why i thought they could actually change), but the change didn't stay and every time old patterns of behaviour came back. No hope.
Interesting 🤔. I guess that answers my question of weather or not my ex-h had NPD or a narcissistic interrelational style. In contrast with your experience my ex was not open to feedback (tho did a good job pretending to be) and made no effort to change (probably because he convinced me and the therapist that I was the one that needed to change). Ugh 😩 the things I have done to myself 😢
my son was raised in a loving home. we cherished him and still do today but he has turned out to be a terrible toxic person!!! there was zero trauma in his childhood. we made sure of this. we still help him today yet he s aweful to us
Narcissism sometimes is caused by overvaluing the child. It's not always trauma. He was raised and told he is special. Now he is special and basically is a spoiled brat in old words.
This could explain how siblings raised by the same narcissist can have very different experiences. My brother remembers a loving mother. My memories are of one filled with malice and vindictiveness. l think a person with narcissistic traits can carefully choose who they want to be nice to. So any way you slice it, whether it's a little bit or a lot, narcissism sucks.
It sucks & you should stay away from it whether it's just garden-variety or full-blown NPD because it's all still toxic at the end of the day regardless of whether it gives you food-poisoning or is so toxic that it kills you😬.
They select who to be kind to and who to abuse all the time. You're less likely to be abused if they see you as someone with status and money and great amounts of independence. It's all about status with narcs and BPDs. They know exactly what they're doing and why they do it. They're not mentally unsound. They're evil.
NPDs are the same. They treat people outside the family with extreme niceness while treating their own family badly. My mom treat one neighbour extremely badly and the other very nice. They need negative and positive feed. The neighbour that she treats very badly has cancer. I don't know why but I know my mom is a narcissist. As for me I treat certain people very badly, I choose to do so because I know they are bad people. I usually cut them off but sometimes I keep them around. I have these people because I known them for a long time and just recently learned about toxic people. Its used more as a defence than to hurt people.
This always may explain why my oldest son says that as a kid, he didn't realize his dad's narcissistic outbursts, bullying behaviorsand angry rages were toxic. He thought it was normal ways people act in relationships, and now he has the same traits and justifies the behavior.
I have been wondering what the difference is between a full blown narcissist and a person who can’t let you in, has narcissistic behaviors, but there’s “truth” sometimes. I know there’s no way to heal him, but I send him high vibes and love because it’s so sad to see a good person who was so hurt to lead him to live this way.
I would say to take a look at the different ‘attachment styles’ maybe that will answer your question. ( never expect a attachment style to change either )
It's so interesting...because yesterday I found myself thinking that most articles only address the extremities of narcissism and we all have a little narcissism in our personalities. However, there are some people that do not have NPD but their behaviours display tendencies, but low grade narcissists have the ability to change. I would've liked to hear examples of low grade behaviours and how to potentially address those behaviours.
You’re describing my mother. She lived in terror of having that shell breached. I spent my whole life trying to make her feel safe. All I did was allow her to stay in her delusion. She was put in an orphanage when she was 2 so her mother could go work for the federal government. Then she went to a boardinghouse. Her father was a stranger walking up the other side of the street. It was all dumped on me to “fix”. She had a deep sense of shame.
A friend of the family ( who was also a psychologist ) told me a long time ago that NPDs will meet most of the DSM’s criteria, but each individual narcissist has his or her own individual “fingerprint”.
When I confronted, the first time to the presumed "low-grade" narcissist in a respectful manner - they were shocked and surprised and noted that they will try to change. Along they way, dropped hints of what they do with certain situations (texting, avoids conflict and disagreements, likes to stay at the superficial level). At our next confrontation, the person became very distant while thereafter, even when my approach was delicate and they displayed vagueness, moments of long silence with acts of them being the "victim"...criticized for being hypersensitive, over-thinking, and taking things too personally. I recently let them go - after a confusing 2 years - but the feelings of guilt and pain for "abandoning" them are what I am coping with. I bring this up as this person did not ever "blow-up" at me - just kept silent and distant and yet, still had most of the characteristics of a narcissist (love-bombing, vagueness, gaslighting and devaluing, hoovering when time was convenient for them). I honestly thought this person was just plain "selfish" - however, these characteristics are unusual and frustrating?! Education is powerful - learning about others experiences and recognizing certain traits has helped for better understand and healing!
Your informal test around 15:00 verified for me who was low-grade and who was a "hard shell" hopeless narcissist (because they won't let anyone sensible thru to conflict with their notions of inner emotional safety without immediate negation or rage - and definitely no consideration and almost certain reprisal). This really helps me measure how I see & interact, and what I can even hope for. This was very helpful. I was raised to believe forgiveness, redemption, etc. and yet having those concepts never clearly at work relationally in those who professed to use those principles & believe them (and who almost never confessed any guilt whatsoever - while trying to pile it on others). It was all a ploy - and I was the only one left holding the bag after a few decades. The bottom doormat. The only one talking to the others. Yes, my family of origin. As I grew older, at about 16, I wondered consciously about my inability to "feel" (much less my perpetual social anxiety, etc.) I know one close to me who checks EVERY box, or at least 7 out of the 9. For the longest time, I (like many others) considered this person highly competent, confident, normal (valedictorian in a small private school). Over decades, it's become painfully obvious upon closer examination of specific interactions & personality, after being cheated & put in problematic situations more times than I can count. This person is fake with everyone - regardless of who she is talking to, she talks and commands first, knows nearly everything, and her sources & successes are always elsewhere to the direct conversation. Nice act. Others far more competent (and trusted by that person) began - unsolicited - to tell me that they didn't trust or admire her. In retrospect, I take that as evidence. And I've had deep questions about a few others close to me (family of origin: try conflicting with one and it's "but so and so" - and yet they all are narcissistic in various ways to various extents). 1. Manipulate. 2. Intimidate. 3. Dominate. (The combo in some christian circles spells the motivation behind witchcraft/control.) And I myself matured in an environment that I now believe to be the full range of narcissism, depending on situation and individual. The dynamics made it very difficult for the youngest, myself, to have any long-range consistent ownership & functional identity at all that was distinct in views from the others and nearly all my inner feelings were subsumed into a believing and trusting submission, constantly encountering difficulties and usually being disappointed. But they seemed so sure. And I was not in a position to emotionally fend for myself during my early years - nor was I equipped by them (insufficient levels of supply for individuation) as I matured... So I suffered my own "trauma" leading to protective shells, etc. And on a few occasions now, I have had to crash out of my own built-up narcissism that was based more on the shallow expectations and splintered (not whole or reasoned through) lifestyles of my family of origin. I know this long-winded comment may be out of place. But it is what it is. And it's RUclips.
Erhardt, wow, that was extremely articulate and I can totally relate and appreciate it. Richard is great and has helped me heal since 2017. I am forever grateful. I can’t think of too many people that I have listened to who have changed my life in such a drastic and wonderful way.
Yeah, it's fun to say & write stuff on social media. A better written blog is probably my next step. A more thorough understanding of selfishness, economics, and accountability in nature seems to be the direction where the current conversations may soon be going, perhaps. Exchange of value in intangible relationships is IN FACT what guides tangible exchanges of valuable items. 'It's about time' we get better at tracking, knowing, observing these things.
@@erhardtharris8727 Yes!... Please do!... Writing or Journaling ✍... Having it all in 1 place really helps (helped me as someone with trauma who suffered abuse from a narcissist + my clients in therapy) & it can help others if you publish or share it!!! ... I honestly believe that low-grade narcissism is an epidemic in our current society (as evidenced by the previous election of a grandiose narcissist to be the primary representative of the USA to the rest of the world, ultimately attempting to manipulate our democracy, & then abused & traumatized so many!)
I totally get it, and I'm so sad for you. One thing that has helped me a lot is to try to imagine the person that I might have been IF: Firstly, I had not been treated so badly, and secondly and even more importantly, the person that I might have been IF: I had instead received all the positive, supportive treatment that every child deserves. It really opens up the window on the possibilities one can imagine about ones genuine self.
Dated a narc once, ruined my happiness, selfesteem and social circle. Now years later i still tend to get context related narc traits when talking or thinking about how i was treated and what it all cost me. And it especially hurts when people tend to see me as a narc, while i know its context/person related and the issues are only caused by pain, not mean, selfish or vindictive intentions.
i had 2 in my life , was left depressed with ruined self esteem, gaining weight and all my life was ruined in general, now i feel myself being a narcissist
@@nnawinsor2049 I 6hink you can pick up narc traits as a protection against the narc....Supposedly and hopefully this does not last...as long as you heal..and keep away.
Nice shout out to Sam Vaknin. I know that would make that fella smile. Even though just considering him now makes my brain break it’s true. You’ve listened deep into those translated from another language lectures and compilations that can reach 4 hours 4+ I can see. Nice job. Truly. If you have anything on indifferent or neglectful only move, would love that lecture. Sam has 1, from 13 years ago. And that’s what I’m seeing after finding myself out of some very high IQ narcissist all around me. Quite truthfully. And it’s been pretty damaging. Thanks.
Thank you for highlighting the fact that for some people there IS no hope. This fact, this complete acceptance of certain people in my life, has allowed me to move on.
When you're talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers creating their shell, it reminds me of a quote from Adam Savage in Mythbusters..." I reject your reality and substitute my own." Only just recently discovered your channel and content and I already love it! 😀👍🤙 Take care bud.
This is spot on. I lived with a gaslighting partner for a long time. I would call into question the way I was being treated, and he would go on and on denying my reality, calling into question not only my basic feelings and observations, but my sanity itself. In other words, not only was I wrong about my feelings, but the fact that I even had those feelings meant I was emotionally deficient. I had never encountered this in another human being, and it was extremely painful. Then, he'd go silent for a day or two. Then back to normal, biz as usual, like it had never even happened. If I had known this gaslighting was a thing, I would have left much sooner.
This should be distributed as a psa. Just cut into every streaming service and make it impossible to turn off. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 You just shoved all of your knowledge into a digestible 18 minute video. I have watched hundreds of hours, read thousands of pages, and I still find myself entertaining these mf-ing people. Hence, my watching of this amazing video.
My ex would feign interest in those suggestions, because he would know that the pretense is the only way to "find out what people are saying" and who is saying it. Then, once he knew those facts, then he would pretend he wants to do better, all the while arguing like it's all a misunderstanding - which then allows him deniable pretext to fly into the rage he was suppressing. AND the punishment for the violators would begin (or continue) but only in the most plausibly deniable ways. In fact - his pretense of concern confused me and kept me in the relationship (so to speak) far longer than if he had shown rage related to cause. But it was always out of context, and therefore deniable. And crazy-making. He was the king of plausible deniability. It took FOREVER to unpack!
@Threetwo One Nope. Grannon is spot on overt narcissism. He has not talked about covert narcissism much. The worst disorder out there is grandiose narcissism. It's destructive and NPD sufferers are beyond help. Overt and grandiose are the same disorder. It's worse than Alzheimer's disease and schizophrenia IMO. Grannon knows what he is talking about. I can corroborate the notions.
Lol 😂 yes, we all entertain these people because, in all fairness, it takes a while to know someone as that... So we have to go through discovery and also energetically, we end up getting impacted by their energy and charm. I do the same... With mum and dad, firstly
The biggest concept to gain from this video to me is the "crossing the Rubicon of Hope". The thing is you have to watch the videos with a purpose and like he said it is t to just totally vilify those high in narcissistic behaviors or NPD or Dark Triads. It is to come to a place where you decide if their is really any hope for this relationship with this person. If it is yes, proceed to videos to assist you and the person whose behaviors sent you searching for answers, if no proceed to totally different videos to help you with yourself and if you have kids, your kids. Good luck to all trying to discern and heal.
I once spoke to low-key narc friend about some issues I had had with how she treated me. For a moment,she admitted that her issues were due to a difficult childhood,then very quickly said that her "shell" was what had got her so far in life. It was like I could see her armour go back on in that moment. She refused to speak to me after that for a long time. Maybe she wasn't so low grade after all...
The last scenario Richard describes is one of the final straws that pushed me over the edge that I had to escape a marriage. (I should have left a decade or more earlier.) I asked them that we meet because I was running into some challenges I didn't know how to deal with. I said that the repetitive rages just aren't working for me, and I hoped we could sit down and work through issues before they reached the shouting stage. This immediately and ironically triggered a rage with them screaming at me that I'm calling them a bad person. They were bawling, red-faced, shouting that I called them a terrible human being. I couldn't get a word in edgewise to say, "No, that's not what I said at all, I just want to work through things without shouting and swearing." It was useless. I had to leave the room. The resultant silent treatment went on for weeks. From everything I've learned and from 25 years of this, I'm assuming they are a fragile narcissist. That and the sitting in the corner and glaring at social events and railing at me because I didn't specially invite them into every conversation and make a big deal of them instead of their walking over and joining in like any sociable human being. NPD? On the narc spectrum? Don't care. It's history.
That is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with for 5 years!! I have never felt so ALONE, UNDESIRABLE, DEPRESSED, CONFUSED, and HOPELESS as I do right now. I have this "sense of knowing" that it isn't true... but, I'm suffering from the emotional response to these things being true. I can't even tell anyone some of the things he's accused me of having done with "other men." Can't even speak the words. Just horrible accusations WITH NO PROOF!! Because none of it happened!! I feel sorry for him... but i can't take it anymore... it's literally going to kill me if I stayed...
@@susanreed2000 get the heck out of Dodge! You deserve so much better. What you are experiencing is straight sadistic crazy making. I got accused of having an affair with the postman when the mail wasn't delivered at exactly the same time everyday. It was a smokescreen to hide the fact that he ran home to catch the mail before I did so I wouldn't know he was floating credit cards. Then when I finally hired an accountant to try and straighten out our financial affairs after his not filing taxes for 10 years, I got accused of having an affair with the accountant. Wack-o diversions to distract from his illicit circumvention of the law. Nobody in the world deserves that kind of weirdness. Stop doubting yourself and start formulating what it is you need to be happy in your life. Number one should be to be far away from this person. Good luck.
@@susanreed2000 I like how you differentiate between knowing something is not true, but feeling it regardless. This is spot-on. Thank you! If you want a stranger's advice, stop feeling sorry for this person. This is feeding the person, and maybe keeping you there. Whatever the issue, you can't solve it. That has to be done by the other person. Stay calm and get out. Neutral is absolutely the key. It will not get better and most likely will just become harder to get out of the relationship. All the best to you, and everyone else in a similar place.
This is happening to me and I hope I never ever encounter it again or I will get sick or go crazy. Traumatized into tiptoeing through tulips while needing to be as honest as they are brutally honest. Trying every trick in the book to communicate with them and not be mistaken but I have no energy for this. I hope to leave and hope they will seek their own help. I hope I don’t become like this And I hope to move far far far away from ever having this overwhelm and confusion in my life.
The Rubicon in my experience is self awareness. Richard Grannon's test at the end is key. If they respond with some sense of self awareness then there may be hope. However, if you're in a relationship don't think it's your job to stick around until they behave better. Whst kind of toll is it taking? How much are you willing to tolerate?
From 13:00 on, you hit it straight on for me!!! My 1 son is like this. Me, being the nurturer and my ex husband behind the dad with awful things being said all the time. It explains it perfectly and I’ve thought it for many years. My son is 32 now and I pray everyday he can heal. He knows he has this problem and I think he finally wants help 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️❤️❤️
Yeah, I got a 25 yr old son (living at home) just like that. There is no Dad or ex-husband to blame in my situation. We are objectively a good healthy household for a kid to grow up in. Nobody's perfect though. I am prone to think that there was an excess of coddling that may have contributed to him NOT becoming more grown in his development. Too much screen-time??? But he came that way IMHO. The "contributing factors" are just icing on the cake.. I have a daughter that developed in the opposite way growing up in a far less ideal set of circumstances. I really am mystified by this... He was closed off and manipulative from day 1.
Richard, you seem to me by far the person that here on RUclips knows more about the topic. I appreciate also a lot Dr Ramani. Great, great work. Thank you.
The repetitive gaslighting is what gives it away for me. Saying 'you're crazy' or 'you're delusional' and 'You're acting insane.' I pointed out this was gaslighting and even showed him. It was like he couldn't stop. I stopped asking about him being with someone else while he was with me and he stopped the gaslighting, but that was enough for me to keep my distance. I'm just glad I nip this one in the bud before I was emotionally and financially vested. Sometimes it feels like it will never end, because its all I seem to attract. ☹ I don't know how to be different.
Keep listening to Richard's videos, and also check out DoctorRamani on RUclips (she's wonderful) for ways to heal and avoid this happening again. Good luck
Once I realized I was attracted to narcissists I made a deal with myself -never again. Next guy turned out to have BPD. Im on my way out as we speak. Ill be the lady on the hill with cats for company and thats alright.
A friend that i had some years ago was very entitled. She had these traits. I ended the friendship after I got sick of her behaviour which slowly got worse with time but she was a lot of fun when I first met her .
Yeah, that's the rub, isn't it? A lot of times they do start as fun! What I've started wondering though is, were they really? Or was it just me that was actually having fun, not realizing that they were just kind of sucking off that energy or propping me up? I think these types thrive off new relationships, or ones shallow enough that they are not really seen. Maybe TMI, but I'm starting to wonder now if *most* of my relationships have been with the narc types... 🤔. yikes.
The low grade paranoia is constant and exhausting...The Eeyore "biggest victim in the room" is very compulsive. Realizing there is no real "them" is scary as hell when getting away is not an immediate option.
You could or you could be a chronic victim of gaslighting and others around you making out you fulfilling your needs is evil or wrong. Make sure you think about that possibility before you label yourself with anything.
Thank you Richard. I did once know someone who had childhood SA/parental neglect from alcoholic parents. As an adult, any projects they worked on, their mental process was to believe they were completely incompetent and a wretch. Then, their competitive streak would appear and they'd only be happy with 1st place. 2nd wasn't good enough. They were pretty much competitive in life & with friends too.
I have been following your work for years now. After going through a huge chunk of your videos i connected all the dots and needed to step away from more info on narcs. Seeing you after a long time in this video I can't help but admire how much you have developed your skills in presentation. There was hardly any ums and uhhs in this video. You were clear to the point precise and very relatable. Very humane. Your warmth and generosity come through in your videos. I remember years back when I was in a rough patch I used to just tune in to listen to you without actually paying close attention to you. I'm sure there are a lot of PPL there who do the same thing. Deep gratitude for your work sir. Lots of love and good wishes to you.
You've outdone yourself again. Been watching a long time because you excel at what you do. Even tho I learned what you described years ago, you've refined your descriptions so well it's fascinating
I like your work. That said, why not just call evil for what it is ...EVIL! No excuses, no explanations. Those who have chosen the path of dissembling, lies, bullying, insulting, belittling, and theft have chosen evil.
@@Megapint78 that's not possible at all. Being indirectly responsible for murdering a cow/cows is evil, especially once aware. People just get others to do that grotesque work for them, to satisfy there tastebuds with the taste of an animal who lived in fear within their last moments. That energy gets absorbed into the gut.
What’s wrong with eating the cow from the local butcher that was shot while enjoying its natural life on the field. It just seems fking insane to say that meat eating is somehow evil. Like come of it. a cow is a damn cow. It’s not as important as a human life.
This stuff is very interesting, thank you very much. I‘ve been through a lot of healing in the past 4 years after what could be called a mental & physical breakdown. Part of the work on myself at the moment are my relationships, especially romantic ones. I had two painful relationships with men who I believe might fit into the low-grade narcissism spectrum you‘re talking about - and FINALLY I am starting to connect the dots back to my childhood and especially my father… It‘s a lot to take in when you realise the scope of stress you were under as a kid and how that kept you repeating this cycle of feeling attracted to men around whom you can never fully relax and just be yourself. I know I‘m not fully healed yet, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. :) Thank you for your content❤
The breakdown is hard but it's the beginning of the 'awakening' (as it were) Your new life begins from that moment . ♥️ Take care of yourself and best wishes.
i think the lady i used to be friends with is low to mid grade covert narcissist . blocked her today and it's my birthday :) a birthday gift to myself. i pray she gets help but im done i have to protect my peace
Thank you sir, I have checked out your videos because I thought I was a narcissist. This video has made it clear I am a low grade narcissist. Wow! I am blessed to have more than two people take me aside as you described. They told me positive things about myself then told me what they saw and how I could improve. I was so thankful they did that. IT helped me to look at myself and see how evil I am. I strive to be a better person. You have helped me understand myself more than you know. God Bless You.
You're not "evil" (whatever that even means). You've had an unskilled response to trauma in your past (childhood, probably). You seem open to change, with help.
@@Treebard Making excuses for narcissists does not help them. They know they commit acts of deceit, aggression and harm others. It is not a reaction. It is a choice to treat others legitimately like sh**t for their own gain. They just don't want to be ostracized later for being trashy to get ahead.
Glad to hear this. I consider myself very self aware, and I’ve noticed and caught myself doing some narcissistic behaviours, mostly when meeting new people and it is very much a “guard”. I always look back and analyse it and think to myself why tf did I say that or do that? I don’t think I have NPD but most likely low grade because this described what I’ve been thinking. My mother is a full blown covert narc so I’ve probably gotten some traits from her. I’ve also had friends tell me they didn’t like some of my behaviours like the example you set, and I took it very well and looked inwards after that, so I’m glad I’m not full blown
Some of these behaviours I did were following : - Heavy criticism of random people doing small mistakes in public and making judgemental remarks to my friends about them - Constant “one upping” even though unintentional I started to catch on after someone pointed it out to me, and it was almost like an automatic setting I had on now I catch myself and stopped - I bombard people with my world view when I meet them, I usually make a good impression on people and they like me but when I first meet them I noticed myself being overly “assertive” and dominant as if I’ve something to prove, especially with girls Although I think my most positive trait and what makes people be very comfortable with me is I always make fun of myself and crack jokes like that. It’s either I’m very serious and then that alleviates the seriousness and dominance, it gets people surprised and intrigued and I’ve noticed they like that.
Thank you for sharing..I am trying incredibly hard to face life with a smile..behind that is the reality I'm facing after the death of someone I knew to have experienced painful C-PTSD his whole life. He couldn't face life without drugs. He gave great pep talks but never left the ground. He feared everything and everyone even tho all the while he went beyond his comfort zone to be the life of the party. He was desperate and lonely inside. He was my broken little man. We were married 23 years. Divorced for 11 years. When we attempted reconciliation I was shocked to find He was still very much locked in his trauma. I was at his side for his last days to help him get through the 2nd most traumatic experience. That of letting go of each breath to finally rest from this life experience...thank u again for your candor and respect for this incredibly misunderstood topic..
Great info in this one--alot to digest there. I can't believe I have never heard of "low grade narcissism" before. That was excellent advice at the end. I have to credit your work with opening my eyes to the places I wasn't showing much humility. Ultimately I would think anyone would want to know if they are giving off an unsettling vibe. Anything said with grace and compassion should have a great chance of going over well. Again if the person has humility and reason.
What I enjoy the most about your work, is that you represent the co-dependent, the other, the one on the receiving end, so well. I have been using some affirmations I came to through your work e.g. 'It's safe for you to want what you want', and find them to be extremely effective. Thank you.
I've been following your channel for slightly over a year now alongside others et al. For now, at the very least I want to thank you for your tireless and informative self-inquiry into the nature of causal forms of narcissism, relatory to the fundamental elements of narcissistic abuse/narcissistic abusive cycle. Thank you for your continued support and advocation on this devastatingly destructive personality-disorder...
@@threetwoone3521 Don't ask me that question nor make that kinda presupposition of me! You do not know me, in the slightest. And therefore you are not qualified to ask me nor anyone else for that matter, such a question . Nor are you qualified to make such a groundless statement of someone you do not know. Ask yourself the same ontological/existential questions? You do not know me, so don't pretend you do on the basis of your imaginations...
Ty Richard. It's crazy how I see this in my history. And that there's a big level of shame and no sense of ego. I had no boundaries I'm curious how this fits together for me ty. Compensatory. I was bouncing around inside all of this in my experiences of psychosis. Ty this is so helpful to hear articulated.
You are correct!!! All that you said. I wrote a journal on my experience...than I took many many counseling training classes on it and it confirmed my findings
Thank you so very much for this information. I got away from the narcissist and living my free life now. At the time I didn't know what a narcissist was, I just knew there was something wrong. Your videos have helped me understand so much of what was going on in my life at that time and that it wasn't me that caused this person to be like this.
4 minutes into listening to this, and it has ALREADY added value to my ability to distinguish BTW npd and just being a narc. And I am no newbie to narcissism so---> 👏🏼👌🏼 TY!
Oh Richard!! My son’s gf simply Heard- a tiny bit of a podcast on narcissism that he had left connected by Bluetooth in their truck…. Volcanic eruption!!!!
Great video. Im on the schizoid spectrum and found meditation to be the thing which gets me back in the world. I hope anyone who is struggling can find a practice which helps them bring back love to themselves and the ones dearest to them. I exercise caution around more narcissistic individuals but i do hope they too will find a space which can peal back the layers of delusion. We all have delusions but some peoples are so many that they really need to seriously focus on them in order to enjoy moments in their lives and have much less stress in them.
Thank you. I've seen so many RUclips video's that WRONGLY accuse so many and give horrible advice on how to further damage this person by isolating them. We all have a Narcissistic trait or two. That does NOT make us a true Narcissist which is someone who only cares about themselves, that have ZERO compassion toward others.
I am so glad you explained this,! I've been researching for this fine line online & RUclips. I have often wondered on few people whether they are Narcissistic... As they show traits of NPD but not 100% .
Richard you were the person on RUclips that opened my eyes and illuminated my path. I was in a rebound relationship with a man I now recognise as being a sociopath, after the end of my 35 year marriage. The video was 30 signs of a covert narcissist. This was back towards the end of 2015. Your video set me on the path of healing. I recognised my ex husb was also a narcissist but the new guy was like a nuclear bomb compared to my husband's gunpowder. It was crazy, narcissism on steroids. The pathological lying, gaslighting, self entitlement, and total insanity made me feel crazy!! Thank you for opening the door, keep on doing what you do. ❤
About 11 years ago I was a raging alcoholic and had to do 9 months in a alcohol rehab. Before going in I was highly narcissistic and after watching this I wonder if I had low grade narcissism?? Back then I didn’t see my behaviours as narcissistic and everyone was at fault but ME ….after 9 months of intensive therapy in a brilliant rehab, they managed to break through the awful narcissistic behaviours I had. And for the first time in a long time I felt guilt and empathy. That was 11 years ago and for the most part I’m ok, but looking back I was just truly awful xx
Omg! Thanks for this. I am empathic and absorbed so many RIGID low grade energy and it made me FEEL OFF BALANCE. NOW i can feel like myself after i know it absorbed by the wrong people. Being empath can really be painful when you absorb these proples ENERGY.
Thank you for this explanation, I know a couple of people like this, not full blown, but extremely toxic with narcissistic traits .I'm not in contact now for many years thankfully
Great message mate. You give hope to be able to rationalise in a dark time for many. My ex wife, gorgeous younger Ukrainian who would say "Everybody loves Viktoriya." Luckily I saw the similar traits when I was younger. I could not do anything right, never enough, eventually exhausted. 3 years fighting for her and her sons visa to be together . Within 1 year I stopped negotiating, boughts flights and rang immigration. Broke my heart but I had to save myself. She manipulated to every point. Even the boy got involved . Now she was being bombed by Russia and fled as a refugee to Switzerland probably on some guys payroll. I send small survival money to her mom because they left her behind. I pray for the war to stop.
So refreshing to see someone addressing the other side of narcissism. If you listen to the internet, almost everyone is the victim of a vampire narcissist, and not one person owns their capacity for narcissist traits. Thank you, Richard.
Your explanation is extremely clear and useful, because you address the internal dynamic of their evolution. It's very important to always remind everybody how awfully UNAWARE of themselves the narcs are! That's why their denial is so strong. I hope someday this desease can be treated in some full immersion space where they have a chance to gain self awareness and heal. Society can't go on this way. Too much suffering, such a disaster.
Thanks for this video. Pretty sure my ex has NPD, nearly year out of the relationship he continues to stalk. He broke up with me on my birthday for asking a regular question about why he kept criticising my clothes, ghosted me 2 weeks over Xmas then made contact NYD. I refused to go back after a roller coaster relationship full of triangulation and criticisms. He was livid and I eventually got the police involved when he threatened me. He has new supply and makes sure I know, but if so happy why keep hoovering by proxy! I watch you and Sam’s chats and the fog is finally starting to lift 😬
They are always careful to be particularly nasty on holidays or special occasions of any sort. Even if it isn't over the top, it's a passive aggressive comment to let you know that, yes, they do know it's a holiday (or your birthday), but they "didn't have time" to get you a gift or even a card. It's like a little slap in the face to let you know that they knew about the occasion but couldn't be bothered to do anything for you, because the whole point is to make sure you know how little you matter to them -- or anyone, if they can make you believe that.
Fresh perspective on what seems to me an ever expanding topic. I was raised by a narcissist, and I may have raised one. The example of the cptsd environment that can cause npd was thought-provoking. My childhood was horrible, so I was determined to make certain my own child knew they were loved, valued, and that they had high self-esteem. It must have been painful when the world didn't always hold them in the same regard I did. I never thought of that. As my child became an adult and I saw npd traits, I had already viewed myself as a survivor/victim/empath for soooo long. We became like oil and water. As enough time passed, I was able to understand that with personality disorders, if you have one, you don't realize it. I realized that even if my child had npd, I wasn't just a poor, helpless, innocent victim who survived a bad childhood only to end up with an abusive adult child. I wasn't some spiritual empath able to perceive the pain of others. That was a fairy tale that I was outgrowing too late. After watching this video, I have a name for what I may be experiencing now, low-grade narcissism. Of all the pain I've experienced, knowing that my adult child may suffer the rest of their life, at least partially bc of how I raised them may be the worst. Apologizing only goes so far. If I can't do anything else, I am staying healthy and working to have something to leave them in the future. Knowing this and seeing myself still perceiving others and acting in the world in a way that perpetuates my situation can be a helpless feeling. But not as helpless as not knowing what's wrong. For me, at least, true change is slow, and it feels like betrayal of the core of my being, leaving nothing familiar inside. It's like divorcing yourself. I'm hoping I can sufficiently integrate my shadows so I can enjoy life and people more as time passes. I want to be as present as possible for my adult child. How much can I change? I don't know. Between short journeys out around others where I learn and practice new skills, I still spend most of my time in my safe shell, still healing, trying to figure things out, and protecting myself and others the best way I know how, for now.
You raise an important issue. Which is most damaging to a child? Being constantly told you are wonderful or constantly being told you are worthless? Both can be equally damaging
There's almost no way to escape childhood without trauma, infact doing so would leave one soft, useless and vulnerable, I'm sure of it. Fingers crossed my children work it out for themselves in time to raise their own. I'm certain the answer is being authentic, developing their confidence to do the same, and from there it's simply up to the gods.
Man, this is such one of the most honest and realistic reflections ive heard a parent engage on the subject of their faults of parenting.., I applaud you for that.
Wow, beautiful post. I think what you said is the way forward, just being present and honest. I don't think it's a waste of time either to apologize for what you see as your failings. It may help plant the seed for change, maybe allows a more open relationship to grow. If you feel your son has a disorder, maybe being open and honest with him is a way for him to start seeing his own self. Maybe it's not possible, but something made you see your self, right? Again, it might plant a seed that does nothing for years, but maybe at some point it starts to grow. Worth a try at least. Thank you for sharing this earnest reflection with us strangers here! All the best to you
Oh my and thank you for this video. I wasn’t sure I should read my sister as having NPD or NP traits and your description of how the person reacts when confronting them with their behaviors sealed it for me. My sister raged, denied she ever did anything wrong and attacked me in a most dissociative way. It was surreal but I’ve been struggling with the idea she was lost, thinking maybe I’ve read her behavior incorrectly and saw her worse than she actually was. This confirms my decision to go entirely no contact was spot on. I don’t have time for this type of crap since there’s no chance of change in her. Thank you.
You're not alone, sounds word for word how my sister reacted to me addressing paranoia. She destroyed my valuables as a result of me not giving into her paranoid control.
Something to consider….nobody willingly accepts criticism. How would you feel if someone told you that you were fat? I don’t think it’s a reliable marker to determine if someone has low grade narcissism. Lacking empathy and having unrealistic grandiose opinions of themselves or their children is much more reliable in my opinion.
Yeah, unfortunately I don't think the test is quite this simple. There's no way to avoid a judgement call. Someone with low-grade narcissism may initially rage, but then come around and make a genuine effort to change. Someone with NPD might initially rage, but then pretend to come around as a fawning action. It can still be subtle to discern, and subtle is hard when there's a lot of pain between two people.
Caution: There is a number of fake accounts using my name and profile picture and providing a WhatsApp number. That is NOT me. I do NOT have a WhatsApp number and never use WhatsApp to communicate with users online. Please do not engage with those accounts.
💀💕👍
It has happened to me.
I had that experience. He wanted ftom me 300$ to be acceped in your inner circle. I have blocked him (you). Sorry 😃
We know it's not you, that is not your style Richard Grannon!👩
@@sekenamcmurren2217 I did not know.
IMO if you are dealing with a low-grade narcissist, if they don't fly into a rage there will be passive aggressive vindictive behavior. GUARANTEED!
I don't know what's worse
Yes 💯
So-called vulnerable narcissists do that, too. I would say, if there is any type of retaliation... It's not low-grade anymore.
@@nessauk2786 In my opinion, they are the worse because you take some time to pick up their passive aggressive game.
@@b_b_b5146 I agree
Please don't fall into the trap of staying around for, and supporting, someone with high grade narcissism because you can see their wounds and vulnerabilities and feel sorry for them. A high grade one will recognise your good nature and your pity and exploit it - they will exact revenge on you and you won't see it coming as they are highly skilled in gaslighting and manipulation. Slowly, calmly and carefully walk away. Don't ruffle their feathers and don't challenge them. Recognise that you will feel guilt and pain for 'abandoning' that person. That's OK, that makes you a caring, empathetic person. Keep yourself and your loved ones safe.
So true. They will mentally drain you. Skillful manipulators and liars. Run away!!!!
@@g3h530 : Be careful.
Thanks for the reminder. I needed this today. I have been feeling so guilty lately.
Thanks for this comment.
Being afraid of these people is not the fn answer. take your power back.. they bleed red n piss yellow. There scared little children you scared of a kid?? Ghost them let them behave crazy n let them dig there own grave. No fear only strength 💪 f them
These narcissists aren’t going to like it when they’re called “low grade”
😂😂😂
Hey,I resemble that remark! ;) lol
lol I was thinking EXACTLY the same thing.
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Truly appreciate this video. I’ve been married to a man on the spectrum for 32 years. It’s been so hurtful. For so long, his behavior was an enigma because it was illogical. Now I understand and it is sad. He always seemed to live inside his own bubble. He would not, could not let me in. As a consequence, I’ve lived my entire adult life being married yet alone and unloved. I hope that these videos will help people to identify people who are unable to return their love and regretfully, walk away in the hope of finding someone with whom they may be seen for their own unique beauty and conversely, value and experience the same in another as they travel through the suffering and joy afforded in this life. What a treasure that would be… alas , it is too late for me. But I will finish the race with dignity and compassion, for myself and those around me, with the love of God.
Know what you mean
Is it not dignity to get out and free yourself from this (unless it is just low grade in which case you can get help)?
Your comment made me cry… illogical, alone, unloved 😢 … with the love of God ♥️🙏🏼♥️ This is my story also 🥺
Me too. I wasn't loved. I was lusted after at the start, i was used for a place to stay, i made him look 'normal' and functioning to the outside world. I gave him a cosy place and made life easy for him. I knew he had younger-life trauma but didn't delve too deep. I was too young and ignorant to fully realise that witnessing or suffering abuse follows you and shapes unless you are of strong character to not pass those abuses on.
I wasn't his life partner, i became his mother figure that he felt he had to hide things from. He didn't trust me or communicate openly with me. 20 years and i never fully knew him. The stories he made up to people - that he could drive, that he met his real father, that his mum was raped in front of him (i dont know if true or not but my heart bled for him) now after discovering his triple life i have no way of knowing what was authentic.
All i know is he has abandoned his two children and left me raising them alone as he has nothing to give them apart from disorder. He can't be relied upon, he is a troubled soul with no deep substance. He can't even love his own babies, he doesnt know how. He always said/says what he needs to to get out an awkward situation truth or not. Hence the decades of (now obvious) lies and half truths. He hid his depth and was all surface. I feel sorry for him now. I couldn't love that level of damage especially when he turns it back on me, to damage me. He projects his hurt and manipulates situations so he is always the victim. I wish I'd known all this even 10 years ago...
I went down a youtube, facebook, online courses, trauma groups etc rabbit hole of trying to understand what happened to me and my children, why didn't i see his troubles before he brought us all down with him. Why didnt i listen to myself when he'd say something that pricked my intuition but i ignored? I've spent 6 years unravelling his skein. I now want to study psychology or counselling as I never knew such hidden characters could exist so overtly and semi-charmingly without anyone fully realising. All the clues were there i just didn't have the knowledge or info to piece them together. I broadbrushed and glossed over and gave the benefit of the doubt and he used that to his advantage. It's been an insane journey yet im so proud of myself for not fully crumbling from his treatment of us.
I realise it's not my fault he was so clever, so ashamed. I'm not fully a co-dependent, i dont lack confidence in this aspect of life, i did question oddities, i set boundaries, but he squirmed and twisted and made me out to be controlling and the bad guy when i was only asking for bare minimums. It's crazy how you can be abused without even realising until afterwards.
Now to help my children heal from their fathers abandonment and maltreatment... How the heck am i going to do that!?
Maybe it is not too late.
I think the breaking point for me was how the took the criticism, I was always really passive and careful when I pointed out his behavior but it always ended with me being the problem...
Exactly. They alway flip it on you.
I'm impressed that he actually points out the roots of narcissism. Most psychologists only focus on how to recognize and defend yourself.
@@LoveBeliefTruthThe same accusation was made of Alice Miller, and judging from what her children said the accusation was correct. However, that doesn’t mean that Alice Miller’a insights are not of value. She gained them because she experienced it outwardly and inwardly. A person who doesn’t have such a narcissistic injury would likely not analyze it at all.
It’s because he has read Pete Walker who says in his book that he believes ALL mental health disorders, or at least the majority, are due to childhood trauma.
@@matthewkopp2391 Very well said! Thank you! 🌹
Actually, this should be the only perspective, how to look at NPD, BPD, narcissistic traits, etcetera. It maybe the most human and most dehumanizing disease at a time. Human because everyone needs egoistic mechanisms in order to survive. Dehumanizing, because it gets a person even more far away from being an at-ease-feeling human being, by becoming a threat to everyone's emotions around. As a result, those people never get what they truly have been starving for since the beginning of their trauma. An inner world embedded in emotions of trust, security and attachment.
@@LoveBeliefTruth He does qualify his references and admits to when he is deviating from psychiatry.... which is good.
I’m the scapegoat child in a viper pit of narcs and monkeys. Until I learned about NPD, I practically begged them to tell me what I was doing wrong, what things I could change about myself. But they either made stuff up or said “you’re fine” but talked about me behind my back.
Likely nothing worth mentioning wrong w u,and much more so w your accusers.I deal w the same thing w my family.They have caused me to question myself so much that i almost became a narcissist myself,certainly bearing a few traits,but these fade over time the more we become self aware as well as aware of the hurt and manipulation our closest loved ones can deal out at times.
I hope you do the inner work to get yourself out of the pit. Figure out what you can change in you to be less dependent on others for your sense of self. And get as far away from them as you can. You'll be so much happier.
I love the viper pit reference, thank you for that. Gives me a great visual. Take care of your self
@@Barbara078_11 : I’ve tried to steer away from using animals to describe people cuz it’s not fair to animals, I should have said vipers disguised as poodle puppies. Thank you, I will take care. 🤗
@@brotherlittlefoot2216 : They cause us to question ourselves, something they could never do! We may have narc traits at times, which is normal for anyone. They hate me because I’m not like they are. They want to believe that we’re weak but they know we are strong.
I have been saying for years that narcissism occurs across a spectrum. Thank you for this! I appreciate all of your work. 😊
Indeed. Look at someone like Dua Lipa. She has fans!
There's definitely a spectrum on disorders and I totally see a genetic component as well. Lookup Cluster Personality Disorders to see the different combinations of possible personality disorders. Anybody notice ADHD vs high academics in the family members? I see the presence of both in 2 different families.
Yes, I often refer to this quality as being on the Asshole Spectrum. My guess is most disorders are on a spectrum.
@@Minneolaos Most do... or followers.
Everybody knowledgeable about narcissism knows it is in spectrum. But I would strongly recommend you to work on your ego if you feel need to write things like this (your first sentence)
I think it's interesting learning about this stuff. Personally I see a lot of narcissistic traits in a lot of people including myself sometimes. Or at least some of the manipulation even when it's not intended. I am definitely not a narcissist but I try and recognize behaviors that I don't want to be participating in
When you grown up in a very narcissistic and manipulative environment it's hard to not model that behavior back to those same people.
A certain level of narcissistic traits is necessary to survive. You can't give all your food and water to others, for instance, or you'll die. True goodness and altruism requires you to put yourself first with some things so you can help others at a maximum level. The tension between the two of selflessness and selfishness is part of the human condition and requires that we all hold ourselves accountable all the time while using introspection to ensure we are our best selves. There's nothing wrong with that-- it's alright and ALL right.
As for picking up behaviors, a lot of us call those "fleas." Any time you around disordered people, you'll adapt to them by picking up mirrored or opposite behaviors that counter or match the toxic person. This is normal, but you have to be aware of it and work to stop doing these things when not around the toxic person. Sometimes, it's absolutely necessary to do these things while around them due to the difficulties in managing toxic people. That's OK, it isn't good, but it can be as good as it gets when you have to deal with these folks.
@@elizabethlondon7754 Thank you Elizabeth.
I like both responses from LIL C and Elizabeth London. I have heard that all of us, even those empathetic ones, have narcissistic traits. It is part of being human and surviving this world. I understand it to be about balance and healthy boundaries...and willingness to grow and learn. I find it so tricky then to navigate relationships, trying to determine what is a normal level of narcissism I am seeing and when the indications are of someone who is outright NPD. It takes time to figure that out sometimes, depending on the person's background....like Elizabeth said....have they picked up fleas? Are they unintentionally mirroring old programming? Ultimately, if one wants a healthy relationship, it needs to be with a person who has your attitude okcool - has the ability to recognize behaviors and choose to work on them and not participate - well said. But there will never be perfection in any of us so allowing room to forgive and grow with one another when we are displaying some narcissistic behaviours needs to happen or the only other choice is to not have relationships at all.
@@elizabethlondon7754 I agree 100%. It's not unreasonable to look after one's needs, while at the same time realising that we don't exist alone, and that the quality of all our existences are interdependent. An attitude of balanced goodwill is necessary for such relationships to exist. Some just don't read or understand the memo.
I've been to therapy for 10 months due to childhood trauma and and cptsd. I definitely live in this "bubble". I can't maintain relationships, obsession with success, and I struggle with empathy. It's all based out of fear. I definitely believe I'm not a full blown narcissist but im on the spectrum. I just wanna feel normal and like I'm not in a bubble all the time. I wanna have healthy relationships and not be scared that I'll end up neglecting or using the people I love, or supposed to love.
Good on you for seeking help. Was going to put a flippant joke here about me not needing any help 'cos I'm already great (ho ho), but maybe you don't need that.
I like being in a bubble
How old are you?
@@danpearce4547 I would've laughed 😂 thanks for looking out though
@@AnnaK-gv3kn 35
I was raised in that black and white, I'm either perfect or evil, childhood environment. I'm glad I'm able to work through my narcissism, fear, and guilt, because I have a baby daughter and I want the abuse to stop with me.
That’s a good attitude👍🏼
Or just not have children
@@myselft36yearsago Or maybe they know their own limitations and capabilities well enough to make their own decisions :)
Mad respect! Hugs!
The titles mean nothing to me anymore. If you're toxic and refuse to take accountability for your bad behavior, I'm not sticking around to wait for that change. No more empty promises. Show me or I'm gone.
👏👏👏💯💯💯👏👏👏
Excellent Richard you have just confirmed that my father had full blown NPD. If anyone of us dared challenge or criticise him he would go absolutely ballistic! Out of all proportion to the challenge or criticism.
He would also storm out to the pub and not come back till closing time when he would go to bed and wake up hours later and my mother would be reheating his dinner for him.
If we came even five minutes late to the table we were shamed.
My mother was a complete doormat so her response to his bullying was fawn, mine was freeze in that I would retreat to my bedroom and withdraw into books, my sister's was flight in that she would rush round doing chores madly.
I am learning so much from you - it is like having a light switched on in a dark room.
I started to suffer this much through my last relationship with a narcissistic person. I’m in almost year 2 of the detachment process, almost 5 months of no contact and almost 100% no contact. I feel now like there is a kind of contagious element with narcissism. Imagine, not being seen or heard for so long by your narcissistic partner, it creates a louder and overcompensatory environment for the non-narc partner, who becomes more self serving and manipulative just trying to cling to whatever value he/she unwittingly gave away to the abuse over the years. It’s basically hell. What saved me is that I was not the root cause Narc, my root nature called me back to into authenticity and I’m grateful for the exit.
Good point. I'm thinking maybe I'm more demanding of attention with friends as I'm always silenced with my SO.
YES. Great point. I think there is definitely a knock-on effect. When you never receive the attention, especially pos. attention, there is a need that just grows and grows, or completely withers. That is compensatory, I think, like he said. I don't think that makes someone narcissistic though, I think it just makes a person needy.
I think it's okay to be needy sometimes! It is difficult though if others don't know the reason behind it all.
Glad to hear it ended well for you. 😊
I heard the term "narc fleas" where you end up mirroring some of the narcs behaviors for survival, and because that's the modus operandi operating for so long, and because you lost yourself, you may find yourself using those techniques.
They live in a virtual reality with their own warped construct.
I work in mental health and there are numbers and numbers of people with NPD who manipulate and using other people system in general for their own benefits. It’s sad seeing many colleagues going through breakdowns .
Continue educating ourselves, having healthy boundaries,doing reflection and debriefing in a team keeps us sane.
Thank you Richard for impact in to society you put .We need more people like that !
how do people use others/manipulate? (please provide me some examples of your way of seeing this in the world)
Narcissism is only in 5 percent of the population max. Thrown around way to much
@@gabyponte6497Narcissus was an athlete in Rome, known to be very vain. That's where the term came from. Many people are vain. NPD is a Personality Disorder as a result of childhood trauma. NPD may be rare, but narcissistic traits are quite common, hence the distinction, low grade, some traits.
@SoundsBogus the poster specifically stated that they are surrounded with many people with npd. I'm fully aware of the history of the term narcissist. I was responding to the posters actual language. Nothing I stated was not factual. If someone believes that they are surrounded with narcissists...it is highly unlikely statistically speaking. If someone believes they are surrounded by countless narcissists they may need to reevaluate THEMSELVES. Vanity and vain behavior is part of the human condition, NPD is not a common problem.
Great content. Just a note, I made the decision to divorce based on hundreds of hours of combing through RUclips videos to help make sense of what on earth I was dealing with. And that decision was the best, healthiest and most adult decision I have ever made. Thanks to you RUclips because traditional therapy just wasn't helping and I couldn't afford it anyway. I know you're just putting out a disclaimer to avoid complications but I'm just putting it out there that it's possible to watch RUclips and be adult about it 😂
Good for you!!
Same! Preach! Advocate for yourself through knowledge. Other people are rarely going to be selfless and put you first.
Going threw it now. She is doing everything but trying to save this. She say that nothings wrong with her.
Oh, traditional therapy kept me trapped for years! "It's not as bad as you think." "You're making a mountain out of a molehill!" "Try to see his side." Etc. Awful.
@@sarahlongstaff5101 So help you if you get a therapist that's uninformed about NPD & narcissistic abuse...The USUAL rules of therapy just don't apply when a narc is involved🙄.A LOT of people get gaslit even more by marriage counseling & whatnot for example...This is almost always due to a lack of awareness about narcissistic abuse.
i think them flying into rage is not yet an indicator, because many people are super insecure and don't take criticism lightly, but then they cool down and accept it after a while. I think if they keep ruminating about what you say days after and won't stop till the punish you - that's the indicator.
You can be sensitive to criticism and have insecurities, but being abusive and vindictive, seeking revenge, and holding grudges shouldn't be your way of dealing with it. The intention of plotting and seeking toxic behavior is a huge red flag and needs to be addressed.
This fellow is right about people who are broken and selfishly defensive. The thing is, they'll hurt you the same as the intentional ones, maybe worse. Because they can make you genuinely feel wanted, while they are constantly unconsciously conspiring to another end. It's like being in a relationship with two different women. Make no mistake in how even this can destroy your life.
Amen brother
They push pull without meaning too
Absolutely, describes my ex perfectly. After about the 20th fight in 2.5 years I said I didn’t like the way she treated me and said it was time I put a stop to our relationship. She rage texted me she was done, that I wasn’t boyfriend or husband material and if she saw me in public she would punch me in my stupid face.
So two weeks later I reached out to a previous ex/friend, cuz I just wanted to hear a friendly voice. That friend and I got drunk and she stayed over, though nothing happened. Well, current ex found out and started absolutely losing it. Putting up vicious posters full of lies around my condo building, hate texting. It was terrifying stuff. She could be so loving, but she was Dr. Jeckle and Mrs. Hyde for sure.
What my dad used to say about living with my mother. He’d say to her “I can’t answer you, because I don’t know which one you are right now.” My poor dad.
Not all women/not all men. Heal yourself then seek someone who is healthy, as well. But be vigilant.
Really, ultimately it doesn't matter whose broken up into what category, sub- category or whatever. The bottom line is someone is going to get hurt and usually very badly, and it is never THEM.
This tells me to look at myself, as well as others. I want to make sure I never, never treat anyone this way, even in the slightest, even when they're lashing out, being unruly, belligerent, bashing, badgering, bringing up their own pain in place of mine, acting paranoid, or being outright abusive. The only choice is to leave, and try not to get hoovered back in by "you never loved me," etc. When their mistakes are minimized, while yours, no matter how insignificant, are exaggerated and used as a platform and justification for their increasingly bad behavior and dishonesty: leave and do not look back. No good will come of it, and it'll propel you backward years in your self-work, trust, and secure attachment style. If you feel sick or physically weakened around someone, like your strength is leaving you, then leave. If the nastiness only seems to be toward you and not others (friends, clients, or even strangers): leave. If there is an air of altruism, while being a monster in private: LEAVE. I believe you, Richard, when you say that some people are deeply narcissistic in their relationships, but not outside of them. Thank you for validating it in such deep and thoughtful detail. I learned a great deal about myself, but I wish it hadn't taken such big chunks of mental and emotional flesh to do it. I feel like I lost years of growth, and I'm trying to find my way back. Your videos are helping so many of us.
I think the low grade ones reserve their nastiness for their significant other so no one else will see them for what they really are. Only in private does the mask drop.
I would consider myself a recovering narcissist. As soon as you are willing to face the truth, you can get better. Thank you for your worthful work.
May I ask what helped you see this problem? I think it would be *extremely* useful to many of us here who are wondering if we can help the people in our lives with this trait or disorder, and if so, how to go about it.
Was this something you came to on your own, or through the actions of someone else?
Thank you for your post whether or not you respond to this message. It's really good to know that some people can make progress, even if it's not the people in our own lives. All the best to you!
i kinda think i may have had some kind of type b thing going on but can't really nail it down. also i'm maybe at least half cured by now
What a beautiful comment, thank you for sharing and blessings on your new path. It is the best gift that you can give your family and people who love you.
What made you face the truth?
Same here, I faced my narcissist tendencies over a period of time, 25 to 30 years ago. It was associated with alcoholism, which I also overcame. What made me face it? I finally came face to face with the amount of hurt I had caused, and the permanent damage I had inflicted. I just couldn't live with myself anymore
Completely agree, 09:56 to 10:48. Do not, under any circumstances, fall for any amount of innocence or vulnerability. That's what got me to fall in love (not just the talent, intellect, professional accomplishments, and seemingly great and wondrous parts of who they were)... and that's what burned me, ultimately. Yes, Dr. Jekyll and Mr.-Miss-Hyde can exist in the same body. I know. I was with them.
Experience with a low grade narc: the person was open to take feedback and did try a bit to implement it (that is why i thought they could actually change), but the change didn't stay and every time old patterns of behaviour came back. No hope.
Interesting 🤔. I guess that answers my question of weather or not my ex-h had NPD or a narcissistic interrelational style. In contrast with your experience my ex was not open to feedback (tho did a good job pretending to be) and made no effort to change (probably because he convinced me and the therapist that I was the one that needed to change). Ugh 😩 the things I have done to myself 😢
@@Elsie144k yes, very similar experience happened to me. now we know better :D
My exp too
Narcissists and psychopaths hide out in politics you notice
thanks for all this Richard
And in Hollywood and as "influencers" in social media.....
@virginiasanchis1717 who do they all hate the most, and do you really think you've been told the truth about him or what he did to them?
my son was raised in a loving home. we cherished him and still do today but he has turned out to be a terrible toxic person!!! there was zero trauma in his childhood. we made sure of this. we still help him today yet he s aweful to us
Sometimes it’s so baffling.
Narcissism sometimes is caused by overvaluing the child. It's not always trauma. He was raised and told he is special. Now he is special and basically is a spoiled brat in old words.
Assuming ZERO trauma is unrealistic. You can't know what pain someone feels...
Overpampering equals abuse
TrAUma comes in many shapes and forms.
This could explain how siblings raised by the same narcissist can have very different experiences. My brother remembers a loving mother. My memories are of one filled with malice and vindictiveness. l think a person with narcissistic traits can carefully choose who they want to be nice to. So any way you slice it, whether it's a little bit or a lot, narcissism sucks.
It sucks & you should stay away from it whether it's just garden-variety or full-blown NPD because it's all still toxic at the end of the day regardless of whether it gives you food-poisoning or is so toxic that it kills you😬.
They select who to be kind to and who to abuse all the time. You're less likely to be abused if they see you as someone with status and money and great amounts of independence. It's all about status with narcs and BPDs. They know exactly what they're doing and why they do it. They're not mentally unsound. They're evil.
This man is brilliant 😊
NPDs are the same. They treat people outside the family with extreme niceness while treating their own family badly. My mom treat one neighbour extremely badly and the other very nice. They need negative and positive feed. The neighbour that she treats very badly has cancer. I don't know why but I know my mom is a narcissist.
As for me I treat certain people very badly, I choose to do so because I know they are bad people. I usually cut them off but sometimes I keep them around. I have these people because I known them for a long time and just recently learned about toxic people. Its used more as a defence than to hurt people.
This always may explain why my oldest son says that as a kid, he didn't realize his dad's narcissistic outbursts, bullying behaviorsand angry rages were toxic. He thought it was normal ways people act in relationships, and now he has the same traits and justifies the behavior.
I have been wondering what the difference is between a full blown narcissist and a person who can’t let you in, has narcissistic behaviors, but there’s “truth” sometimes. I know there’s no way to heal him, but I send him high vibes and love because it’s so sad to see a good person who was so hurt to lead him to live this way.
As long as you love them from a distance, I suppose it's fine. Don't give them carte blanche just because they were traumatized, however.
I would say to take a look at the different ‘attachment styles’ maybe that will answer your question. ( never expect a attachment style to change either )
It's so interesting...because yesterday I found myself thinking that most articles only address the extremities of narcissism and we all have a little narcissism in our personalities. However, there are some people that do not have NPD but their behaviours display tendencies, but low grade narcissists have the ability to change. I would've liked to hear examples of low grade behaviours and how to potentially address those behaviours.
You’re describing my mother. She lived in terror of having that shell breached. I spent my whole life trying to make her feel safe. All I did was allow her to stay in her delusion. She was put in an orphanage when she was 2 so her mother could go work for the federal government. Then she went to a boardinghouse. Her father was a stranger walking up the other side of the street. It was all dumped on me to “fix”. She had a deep sense of shame.
I relate to your mother's experience and realize my injurred soul is still in need of healing.
So sad
So sorry for you and her. You both had so much to deal with... it's really difficult
😢❤
Be your mother's strength. She has been through alot. Love her like Jesus would. She needs it.❤
A friend of the family ( who was also a psychologist ) told me a long time ago that NPDs will meet most of the DSM’s criteria, but each individual narcissist has his or her own individual “fingerprint”.
These people are everywhere, like dawn of dead
PIN THIS COMMENT
It really does seem that way: from high to low, covert to overt, psychopath, sociopath. Seems there’s nowhere free of this sub section of our society.
100% I rarely meet normal humans anymore
My twin brother is a full on narcissist. I had it quite a bit tougher than he did yet we turned out very different from each other. Go figure.
When I confronted, the first time to the presumed "low-grade" narcissist in a respectful manner - they were shocked and surprised and noted that they will try to change. Along they way, dropped hints of what they do with certain situations (texting, avoids conflict and disagreements, likes to stay at the superficial level). At our next confrontation, the person became very distant while thereafter, even when my approach was delicate and they displayed vagueness, moments of long silence with acts of them being the "victim"...criticized for being hypersensitive, over-thinking, and taking things too personally. I recently let them go - after a confusing 2 years - but the feelings of guilt and pain for "abandoning" them are what I am coping with.
I bring this up as this person did not ever "blow-up" at me - just kept silent and distant and yet, still had most of the characteristics of a narcissist (love-bombing, vagueness, gaslighting and devaluing, hoovering when time was convenient for them). I honestly thought this person was just plain "selfish" - however, these characteristics are unusual and frustrating?!
Education is powerful - learning about others experiences and recognizing certain traits has helped for better understand and healing!
Your informal test around 15:00 verified for me who was low-grade and who was a "hard shell" hopeless narcissist (because they won't let anyone sensible thru to conflict with their notions of inner emotional safety without immediate negation or rage - and definitely no consideration and almost certain reprisal). This really helps me measure how I see & interact, and what I can even hope for.
This was very helpful. I was raised to believe forgiveness, redemption, etc. and yet having those concepts never clearly at work relationally in those who professed to use those principles & believe them (and who almost never confessed any guilt whatsoever - while trying to pile it on others). It was all a ploy - and I was the only one left holding the bag after a few decades. The bottom doormat. The only one talking to the others. Yes, my family of origin.
As I grew older, at about 16, I wondered consciously about my inability to "feel" (much less my perpetual social anxiety, etc.)
I know one close to me who checks EVERY box, or at least 7 out of the 9. For the longest time, I (like many others) considered this person highly competent, confident, normal (valedictorian in a small private school). Over decades, it's become painfully obvious upon closer examination of specific interactions & personality, after being cheated & put in problematic situations more times than I can count. This person is fake with everyone - regardless of who she is talking to, she talks and commands first, knows nearly everything, and her sources & successes are always elsewhere to the direct conversation. Nice act. Others far more competent (and trusted by that person) began - unsolicited - to tell me that they didn't trust or admire her. In retrospect, I take that as evidence.
And I've had deep questions about a few others close to me (family of origin: try conflicting with one and it's "but so and so" - and yet they all are narcissistic in various ways to various extents). 1. Manipulate. 2. Intimidate. 3. Dominate. (The combo in some christian circles spells the motivation behind witchcraft/control.)
And I myself matured in an environment that I now believe to be the full range of narcissism, depending on situation and individual. The dynamics made it very difficult for the youngest, myself, to have any long-range consistent ownership & functional identity at all that was distinct in views from the others and nearly all my inner feelings were subsumed into a believing and trusting submission, constantly encountering difficulties and usually being disappointed. But they seemed so sure. And I was not in a position to emotionally fend for myself during my early years - nor was I equipped by them (insufficient levels of supply for individuation) as I matured... So I suffered my own "trauma" leading to protective shells, etc. And on a few occasions now, I have had to crash out of my own built-up narcissism that was based more on the shallow expectations and splintered (not whole or reasoned through) lifestyles of my family of origin.
I know this long-winded comment may be out of place. But it is what it is. And it's RUclips.
Erhardt, wow, that was extremely articulate and I can totally relate and appreciate it. Richard is great and has helped me heal since 2017. I am forever grateful. I can’t think of too many people that I have listened to who have changed my life in such a drastic and wonderful way.
Yeah, it's fun to say & write stuff on social media. A better written blog is probably my next step.
A more thorough understanding of selfishness, economics, and accountability in nature seems to be the direction where the current conversations may soon be going, perhaps. Exchange of value in intangible relationships is IN FACT what guides tangible exchanges of valuable items. 'It's about time' we get better at tracking, knowing, observing these things.
@@erhardtharris8727 Yes!... Please do!... Writing or Journaling ✍... Having it all in 1 place really helps (helped me as someone with trauma who suffered abuse from a narcissist + my clients in therapy) & it can help others if you publish or share it!!! ...
I honestly believe that low-grade narcissism is an epidemic in our current society (as evidenced by the previous election of a grandiose narcissist to be the primary representative of the USA to the rest of the world, ultimately attempting to manipulate our democracy, & then abused & traumatized so many!)
I totally get it, and I'm so sad for you. One thing that has helped me a lot is to try to imagine the person that I might have been IF: Firstly, I had not been treated so badly, and secondly and even more importantly, the person that I might have been IF: I had instead received all the positive, supportive treatment that every child deserves. It really opens up the window on the possibilities one can imagine about ones genuine self.
narcissist traits include writing non stop and over explain in order to impress.
Dated a narc once, ruined my happiness, selfesteem and social circle. Now years later i still tend to get context related narc traits when talking or thinking about how i was treated and what it all cost me. And it especially hurts when people tend to see me as a narc, while i know its context/person related and the issues are only caused by pain, not mean, selfish or vindictive intentions.
i had 2 in my life , was left depressed with ruined self esteem, gaining weight and all my life was ruined in general, now i feel myself being a narcissist
@@nnawinsor2049 I 6hink you can pick up narc traits as a protection against the narc....Supposedly and hopefully this does not last...as long as you heal..and keep away.
Nice shout out to Sam Vaknin. I know that would make that fella smile. Even though just considering him now makes my brain break it’s true. You’ve listened deep into those translated from another language lectures and compilations that can reach 4 hours 4+ I can see. Nice job. Truly. If you have anything on indifferent or neglectful only move, would love that lecture. Sam has 1, from 13 years ago. And that’s what I’m seeing after finding myself out of some very high IQ narcissist all around me. Quite truthfully. And it’s been pretty damaging. Thanks.
Thank you for highlighting the fact that for some people there IS no hope. This fact, this complete acceptance of certain people in my life, has allowed me to move on.
When you're talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder sufferers creating their shell, it reminds me of a quote from Adam Savage in Mythbusters..." I reject your reality and substitute my own."
Only just recently discovered your channel and content and I already love it! 😀👍🤙
Take care bud.
@josh Art vandelay
My ex actually said that to me many times.
Really believed in his reality
Well said by you! Kudos.
Yep and the 'those who won't feel their own pain transmit their pain to others' too
That was epic rap battles... 😆
This is spot on. I lived with a gaslighting partner for a long time. I would call into question the way I was being treated, and he would go on and on denying my reality, calling into question not only my basic feelings and observations, but my sanity itself. In other words, not only was I wrong about my feelings, but the fact that I even had those feelings meant I was emotionally deficient. I had never encountered this in another human being, and it was extremely painful. Then, he'd go silent for a day or two. Then back to normal, biz as usual, like it had never even happened. If I had known this gaslighting was a thing, I would have left much sooner.
I know exactly what you mean.
This should be distributed as a psa. Just cut into every streaming service and make it impossible to turn off. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 You just shoved all of your knowledge into a digestible 18 minute video. I have watched hundreds of hours, read thousands of pages, and I still find myself entertaining these mf-ing people. Hence, my watching of this amazing video.
I agree! If course he has a beautiful voice and articulates eloquently.
My ex would feign interest in those suggestions, because he would know that the pretense is the only way to "find out what people are saying" and who is saying it.
Then, once he knew those facts, then he would pretend he wants to do better, all the while arguing like it's all a misunderstanding - which then allows him deniable pretext to fly into the rage he was suppressing. AND the punishment for the violators would begin (or continue) but only in the most plausibly deniable ways.
In fact - his pretense of concern confused me and kept me in the relationship (so to speak) far longer than if he had shown rage related to cause. But it was always out of context, and therefore deniable. And crazy-making. He was the king of plausible deniability. It took FOREVER to unpack!
@@Chris-dw7gq true story! So soothing!
@Threetwo One Nope. Grannon is spot on overt narcissism. He has not talked about covert narcissism much. The worst disorder out there is grandiose narcissism. It's destructive and NPD sufferers are beyond help. Overt and grandiose are the same disorder. It's worse than Alzheimer's disease and schizophrenia IMO. Grannon knows what he is talking about. I can corroborate the notions.
Lol 😂 yes, we all entertain these people because, in all fairness, it takes a while to know someone as that... So we have to go through discovery and also energetically, we end up getting impacted by their energy and charm. I do the same... With mum and dad, firstly
The biggest concept to gain from this video to me is the "crossing the Rubicon of Hope". The thing is you have to watch the videos with a purpose and like he said it is t to just totally vilify those high in narcissistic behaviors or NPD or Dark Triads. It is to come to a place where you decide if their is really any hope for this relationship with this person. If it is yes, proceed to videos to assist you and the person whose behaviors sent you searching for answers, if no proceed to totally different videos to help you with yourself and if you have kids, your kids. Good luck to all trying to discern and heal.
I once spoke to low-key narc friend about some issues I had had with how she treated me. For a moment,she admitted that her issues were due to a difficult childhood,then very quickly said that her "shell" was what had got her so far in life. It was like I could see her armour go back on in that moment. She refused to speak to me after that for a long time. Maybe she wasn't so low grade after all...
The last scenario Richard describes is one of the final straws that pushed me over the edge that I had to escape a marriage. (I should have left a decade or more earlier.) I asked them that we meet because I was running into some challenges I didn't know how to deal with. I said that the repetitive rages just aren't working for me, and I hoped we could sit down and work through issues before they reached the shouting stage. This immediately and ironically triggered a rage with them screaming at me that I'm calling them a bad person. They were bawling, red-faced, shouting that I called them a terrible human being. I couldn't get a word in edgewise to say, "No, that's not what I said at all, I just want to work through things without shouting and swearing." It was useless. I had to leave the room. The resultant silent treatment went on for weeks.
From everything I've learned and from 25 years of this, I'm assuming they are a fragile narcissist. That and the sitting in the corner and glaring at social events and railing at me because I didn't specially invite them into every conversation and make a big deal of them instead of their walking over and joining in like any sociable human being. NPD? On the narc spectrum? Don't care. It's history.
Good for you! That had to be hard, but you did it. 🎉
That is EXACTLY what I've been dealing with for 5 years!! I have never felt so ALONE, UNDESIRABLE, DEPRESSED, CONFUSED, and HOPELESS as I do right now. I have this "sense of knowing" that it isn't true... but, I'm suffering from the emotional response to these things being true. I can't even tell anyone some of the things he's accused me of having done with "other men." Can't even speak the words. Just horrible accusations WITH NO PROOF!! Because none of it happened!! I feel sorry for him... but i can't take it anymore... it's literally going to kill me if I stayed...
@@susanreed2000 get the heck out of Dodge! You deserve so much better. What you are experiencing is straight sadistic crazy making.
I got accused of having an affair with the postman when the mail wasn't delivered at exactly the same time everyday. It was a smokescreen to hide the fact that he ran home to catch the mail before I did so I wouldn't know he was floating credit cards.
Then when I finally hired an accountant to try and straighten out our financial affairs after his not filing taxes for 10 years, I got accused of having an affair with the accountant. Wack-o diversions to distract from his illicit circumvention of the law.
Nobody in the world deserves that kind of weirdness. Stop doubting yourself and start formulating what it is you need to be happy in your life. Number one should be to be far away from this person. Good luck.
@@susanreed2000 I like how you differentiate between knowing something is not true, but feeling it regardless. This is spot-on. Thank you!
If you want a stranger's advice, stop feeling sorry for this person. This is feeding the person, and maybe keeping you there. Whatever the issue, you can't solve it. That has to be done by the other person. Stay calm and get out. Neutral is absolutely the key. It will not get better and most likely will just become harder to get out of the relationship.
All the best to you, and everyone else in a similar place.
This is happening to me and I hope I never ever encounter it again or I will get sick or go crazy.
Traumatized into tiptoeing through tulips while needing to be as honest as they are brutally honest.
Trying every trick in the book to communicate with them and not be mistaken but I have no energy for this.
I hope to leave and hope they will seek their own help.
I hope I don’t become like this
And I hope to move far far far away from ever having this overwhelm and confusion in my life.
The Rubicon in my experience is self awareness. Richard Grannon's test at the end is key. If they respond with some sense of self awareness then there may be hope. However, if you're in a relationship don't think it's your job to stick around until they behave better. Whst kind of toll is it taking? How much are you willing to tolerate?
You nail it, Not horizontal interrelations but Vertical interrelations! 👏 👏
From 13:00 on, you hit it straight on for me!!! My 1 son is like this. Me, being the nurturer and my ex husband behind the dad with awful things being said all the time. It explains it perfectly and I’ve thought it for many years. My son is 32 now and I pray everyday he can heal. He knows he has this problem and I think he finally wants help 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤️❤️❤️
Your son sounds sick bro seems like you need to lighten up
Yeah, I got a 25 yr old son (living at home) just like that. There is no Dad or ex-husband to blame in my situation. We are objectively a good healthy household for a kid to grow up in. Nobody's perfect though. I am prone to think that there was an excess of coddling that may have contributed to him NOT becoming more grown in his development. Too much screen-time???
But he came that way IMHO. The "contributing factors" are just icing on the cake.. I have a daughter that developed in the opposite way growing up in a far less ideal set of circumstances.
I really am mystified by this... He was closed off and manipulative from day 1.
Richard, you seem to me by far the person that here on RUclips knows more about the topic. I appreciate also a lot Dr Ramani. Great, great work. Thank you.
The repetitive gaslighting is what gives it away for me. Saying 'you're crazy' or 'you're delusional' and 'You're acting insane.' I pointed out this was gaslighting and even showed him. It was like he couldn't stop. I stopped asking about him being with someone else while he was with me and he stopped the gaslighting, but that was enough for me to keep my distance. I'm just glad I nip this one in the bud before I was emotionally and financially vested. Sometimes it feels like it will never end, because its all I seem to attract. ☹ I don't know how to be different.
Keep listening to Richard's videos, and also check out DoctorRamani on RUclips (she's wonderful) for ways to heal and avoid this happening again. Good luck
Once I realized I was attracted to narcissists I made a deal with myself -never again. Next guy turned out to have BPD. Im on my way out as we speak. Ill be the lady on the hill with cats for company and thats alright.
@@thesouluniversal Jesus Christ that’s fking pain. I’m so sorry. I have never had a healthy relationship either and I’m crippled with depression
@@thesouluniversal oh my that's rough. Good luck to you. I'm on my way out as well.
@@abbym183 I'm on my way out too x
Yr the best our of all who teach us about narcissism. Best learning I've had so far.
A friend that i had some years ago was very entitled. She had these traits. I ended the friendship after I got sick of her behaviour which slowly got worse with time but she was a lot of fun when I first met her .
Yeah, that's the rub, isn't it? A lot of times they do start as fun! What I've started wondering though is, were they really? Or was it just me that was actually having fun, not realizing that they were just kind of sucking off that energy or propping me up? I think these types thrive off new relationships, or ones shallow enough that they are not really seen.
Maybe TMI, but I'm starting to wonder now if *most* of my relationships have been with the narc types... 🤔. yikes.
This is the most thorough, most concise description of low-grade narcissism I've seen yet on RUclips.
15:36 says everything I could not put into words! Thank you for posting this video!
The low grade paranoia is constant and exhausting...The Eeyore "biggest victim in the room" is very compulsive. Realizing there is no real "them" is scary as hell when getting away is not an immediate option.
They treat you like your a option x
Nodding emphatically about the projected Ego😢
**Omg, you know my mum! You know this subject incredibly well. ❤
I’ve watched a number of your videos and I feel like I’m a low grade narcissist, I’m going to go see a therapist I don’t want to get lost.
You could or you could be a chronic victim of gaslighting and others around you making out you fulfilling your needs is evil or wrong. Make sure you think about that possibility before you label yourself with anything.
Thank you Richard. I did once know someone who had childhood SA/parental neglect from alcoholic parents. As an adult, any projects they worked on, their mental process was to believe they were completely incompetent and a wretch. Then, their competitive streak would appear and they'd only be happy with 1st place. 2nd wasn't good enough. They were pretty much competitive in life & with friends too.
I have been following your work for years now. After going through a huge chunk of your videos i connected all the dots and needed to step away from more info on narcs. Seeing you after a long time in this video I can't help but admire how much you have developed your skills in presentation. There was hardly any ums and uhhs in this video. You were clear to the point precise and very relatable. Very humane. Your warmth and generosity come through in your videos. I remember years back when I was in a rough patch I used to just tune in to listen to you without actually paying close attention to you. I'm sure there are a lot of PPL there who do the same thing. Deep gratitude for your work sir. Lots of love and good wishes to you.
You've outdone yourself again. Been watching a long time because you excel at what you do. Even tho I learned what you described years ago, you've refined your descriptions so well it's fascinating
Yes Jack and Rose would both fit on that raft! Great video - thank you very much!
There was room for them both.
Thank you for this clarification. Yes, I agree that this is a manifestation of CPTSD.
Freeze - shut down, dissociate, tune out
Probably the best and most academic you tuber on NPD
I agree!
I like your work. That said, why not just call evil for what it is ...EVIL! No excuses, no explanations. Those who have chosen the path of dissembling, lies, bullying, insulting, belittling, and theft have chosen evil.
No one is free from evil ways unless they live a cruelty free, as possible lifestyle. Which includes not using animals for food and clothing etc.
@@IrishSuzyAM Point taken, though I shall remain an unrepentant carnivore. I do enjoy carrots and broccoli too.
@@IrishSuzyAM that’s bs you can be a good person and eat steak.
@@Megapint78 that's not possible at all. Being indirectly responsible for murdering a cow/cows is evil, especially once aware. People just get others to do that grotesque work for them, to satisfy there tastebuds with the taste of an animal who lived in fear within their last moments. That energy gets absorbed into the gut.
What’s wrong with eating the cow from the local butcher that was shot while enjoying its natural life on the field. It just seems fking insane to say that meat eating is somehow evil. Like come of it. a cow is a damn cow. It’s not as important as a human life.
This stuff is very interesting, thank you very much. I‘ve been through a lot of healing in the past 4 years after what could be called a mental & physical breakdown.
Part of the work on myself at the moment are my relationships, especially romantic ones. I had two painful relationships with men who I believe might fit into the low-grade narcissism spectrum you‘re talking about - and FINALLY I am starting to connect the dots back to my childhood and especially my father… It‘s a lot to take in when you realise the scope of stress you were under as a kid and how that kept you repeating this cycle of feeling attracted to men around whom you can never fully relax and just be yourself. I know I‘m not fully healed yet, but I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. :)
Thank you for your content❤
Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy...she discusses conditioning as well.
@@sparklesp9304 I found her already! Hearing about cptsd helped a lot….👍 thanks though :)
The breakdown is hard but it's the beginning of the 'awakening' (as it were) Your new life begins from that moment . ♥️ Take care of yourself and best wishes.
I called mine a 'breakthrough'.
Wishing u well.
Yep, my psychotic father absolutely ruined my childhood. It's amazing I am still even attracted to men.
i think the lady i used to be friends with is low to mid grade covert narcissist . blocked her today and it's my birthday :) a birthday gift to myself. i pray she gets help but im done i have to protect my peace
I have watched tons of videos on narcissism and this single one has been the absolute most informative and clear cut. TY.
Thank you sir, I have checked out your videos because I thought I was a narcissist. This video has made it clear I am a low grade narcissist. Wow! I am blessed to have more than two people take me aside as you described. They told me positive things about myself then told me what they saw and how I could improve. I was so thankful they did that. IT helped me to look at myself and see how evil I am. I strive to be a better person. You have helped me understand myself more than you know. God Bless You.
You're not "evil" (whatever that even means). You've had an unskilled response to trauma in your past (childhood, probably). You seem open to change, with help.
@@Treebard Making excuses for narcissists does not help them. They know they commit acts of deceit, aggression and harm others. It is not a reaction. It is a choice to treat others legitimately like sh**t for their own gain. They just don't want to be ostracized later for being trashy to get ahead.
Glad to hear this. I consider myself very self aware, and I’ve noticed and caught myself doing some narcissistic behaviours, mostly when meeting new people and it is very much a “guard”. I always look back and analyse it and think to myself why tf did I say that or do that?
I don’t think I have NPD but most likely low grade because this described what I’ve been thinking. My mother is a full blown covert narc so I’ve probably gotten some traits from her.
I’ve also had friends tell me they didn’t like some of my behaviours like the example you set, and I took it very well and looked inwards after that, so I’m glad I’m not full blown
Some of these behaviours I did were following :
- Heavy criticism of random people doing small mistakes in public and making judgemental remarks to my
friends about them
- Constant “one upping” even though unintentional I started to catch on after someone pointed it out to me, and it was almost like an automatic setting I had on now I catch myself and stopped
- I bombard people with my world view when I meet them, I usually make a good impression on people and they like me but when I first meet them I noticed myself being overly “assertive” and dominant as if I’ve something to prove, especially with girls
Although I think my most positive trait and what makes people be very comfortable with me is I always make fun of myself and crack jokes like that. It’s either I’m very serious and then that alleviates the seriousness and dominance, it gets people surprised and intrigued and I’ve noticed they like that.
Thank you for sharing..I am trying incredibly hard to face life with a smile..behind that is the reality I'm facing after the death of someone I knew to have experienced painful C-PTSD his whole life. He couldn't face life without drugs. He gave great pep talks but never left the ground. He feared everything and everyone even tho all the while he went beyond his comfort zone to be the life of the party. He was desperate and lonely inside. He was my broken little man. We were married 23 years. Divorced for 11 years. When we attempted reconciliation I was shocked to find He was still very much locked in his trauma. I was at his side for his last days to help him get through the 2nd most traumatic experience. That of letting go of each breath to finally rest from this life experience...thank u again for your candor and respect for this incredibly misunderstood topic..
i like to hear you talking my man! keep it up! much love
Great info in this one--alot to digest there. I can't believe I have never heard of "low grade narcissism" before. That was excellent advice at the end. I have to credit your work with opening my eyes to the places I wasn't showing much humility. Ultimately I would think anyone would want to know if they are giving off an unsettling vibe. Anything said with grace and compassion should have a great chance of going over well. Again if the person has humility and reason.
What I enjoy the most about your work, is that you represent the co-dependent, the other, the one on the receiving end, so well. I have been using some affirmations I came to through your work e.g. 'It's safe for you to want what you want', and find them to be extremely effective. Thank you.
I've been following your channel for slightly over a year now alongside others et al. For now, at the very least I want to thank you for your tireless and informative self-inquiry into the nature of causal forms of narcissism, relatory to the fundamental elements of narcissistic abuse/narcissistic abusive cycle. Thank you for your continued support and advocation on this devastatingly destructive personality-disorder...
@@threetwoone3521 Don't ask me that question nor make that kinda presupposition of me! You do not know me, in the slightest. And therefore you are not qualified to ask me nor anyone else for that matter, such a question . Nor are you qualified to make such a groundless statement of someone you do not know. Ask yourself the same ontological/existential questions? You do not know me, so don't pretend you do on the basis of your imaginations...
I'm so glad I came across this video. Thank you
Ty Richard. It's crazy how I see this in my history. And that there's a big level of shame and no sense of ego. I had no boundaries I'm curious how this fits together for me ty. Compensatory. I was bouncing around inside all of this in my experiences of psychosis. Ty this is so helpful to hear articulated.
You are correct!!! All that you said. I wrote a journal on my experience...than I took many many counseling training classes on it and it confirmed my findings
This is an OUTSTANDING video! ReAlly clear, helpful, detailed etc….👍👍👍👍😎
Thank you so very much for this information. I got away from the narcissist and living my free life now. At the time I didn't know what a narcissist was, I just knew there was something wrong. Your videos have helped me understand so much of what was going on in my life at that time and that it wasn't me that caused this person to be like this.
4 minutes into listening to this, and it has ALREADY added value to my ability to distinguish BTW npd and just being a narc. And I am no newbie to narcissism so---> 👏🏼👌🏼 TY!
Oh Richard!! My son’s gf simply Heard- a tiny bit of a podcast on narcissism that he had left connected by Bluetooth in their truck…. Volcanic eruption!!!!
Great video. Im on the schizoid spectrum and found meditation to be the thing which gets me back in the world. I hope anyone who is struggling can find a practice which helps them bring back love to themselves and the ones dearest to them. I exercise caution around more narcissistic individuals but i do hope they too will find a space which can peal back the layers of delusion. We all have delusions but some peoples are so many that they really need to seriously focus on them in order to enjoy moments in their lives and have much less stress in them.
Thank you. I've seen so many RUclips video's that WRONGLY accuse so many and give horrible advice on how to further damage this person by isolating them. We all have a Narcissistic trait or two. That does NOT make us a true Narcissist which is someone who only cares about themselves, that have ZERO compassion toward others.
I am so glad you explained this,! I've been researching for this fine line online & RUclips. I have often wondered on few people whether they are Narcissistic... As they show traits of NPD but not 100% .
Richard you were the person on RUclips that opened my eyes and illuminated my path. I was in a rebound relationship with a man I now recognise as being a sociopath, after the end of my 35 year marriage. The video was 30 signs of a covert narcissist. This was back towards the end of 2015. Your video set me on the path of healing. I recognised my ex husb was also a narcissist but the new guy was like a nuclear bomb compared to my husband's gunpowder. It was crazy, narcissism on steroids. The pathological lying, gaslighting, self entitlement, and total insanity made me feel crazy!!
Thank you for opening the door, keep on doing what you do. ❤
About 11 years ago I was a raging alcoholic and had to do 9 months in a alcohol rehab. Before going in I was highly narcissistic and after watching this I wonder if I had low grade narcissism?? Back then I didn’t see my behaviours as narcissistic and everyone was at fault but ME ….after 9 months of intensive therapy in a brilliant rehab, they managed to break through the awful narcissistic behaviours I had. And for the first time in a long time I felt guilt and empathy. That was 11 years ago and for the most part I’m ok, but looking back I was just truly awful xx
Omg! Thanks for this.
I am empathic and absorbed so many RIGID low grade energy and it made me FEEL OFF BALANCE.
NOW i can feel like myself after i know it absorbed by the wrong people.
Being empath can really be painful when you absorb these proples ENERGY.
Thank you for this explanation, I know a couple of people like this, not full blown, but extremely toxic with narcissistic traits .I'm not in contact now for many years thankfully
This is amazing and so helpful. It makes so much sense!
Great message mate. You give hope to be able to rationalise in a dark time for many. My ex wife, gorgeous younger Ukrainian who would say "Everybody loves Viktoriya." Luckily I saw the similar traits when I was younger. I could not do anything right, never enough, eventually exhausted. 3 years fighting for her and her sons visa to be together . Within 1 year I stopped negotiating, boughts flights and rang immigration. Broke my heart but I had to save myself. She manipulated to every point. Even the boy got involved . Now she was being bombed by Russia and fled as a refugee to Switzerland probably on some guys payroll. I send small survival money to her mom because they left her behind. I pray for the war to stop.
Well THAT was...enlightening. Thanks Richard. Been watching You for Years.💜
So refreshing to see someone addressing the other side of narcissism. If you listen to the internet, almost everyone is the victim of a vampire narcissist, and not one person owns their capacity for narcissist traits. Thank you, Richard.
I cannot even believe how accurate this guy's descriptions are, blown away, literally.
What a blessing you are for people looking for answers, healing, hope and rebirth. Be blessed for your work and free knowledge 🙏🏼 thank you!
Your explanation is extremely clear and useful, because you address the internal dynamic of their evolution. It's very important to always remind everybody how awfully UNAWARE of themselves the narcs are! That's why their denial is so strong. I hope someday this desease can be treated in some full immersion space where they have a chance to gain self awareness and heal. Society can't go on this way. Too much suffering, such a disaster.
Thanks for this video. Pretty sure my ex has NPD, nearly year out of the relationship he continues to stalk. He broke up with me on my birthday for asking a regular question about why he kept criticising my clothes, ghosted me 2 weeks over Xmas then made contact NYD. I refused to go back after a roller coaster relationship full of triangulation and criticisms. He was livid and I eventually got the police involved when he threatened me. He has new supply and makes sure I know, but if so happy why keep hoovering by proxy! I watch you and Sam’s chats and the fog is finally starting to lift 😬
Very sorry. You don't deserve threats, only kindness.
They are always careful to be particularly nasty on holidays or special occasions of any sort. Even if it isn't over the top, it's a passive aggressive comment to let you know that, yes, they do know it's a holiday (or your birthday), but they "didn't have time" to get you a gift or even a card. It's like a little slap in the face to let you know that they knew about the occasion but couldn't be bothered to do anything for you, because the whole point is to make sure you know how little you matter to them -- or anyone, if they can make you believe that.
I've watched TONS of videos on this subject. This is ABSOLUTELY among the best and most enlightening. Thank you so much.
Fresh perspective on what seems to me an ever expanding topic. I was raised by a narcissist, and I may have raised one. The example of the cptsd environment that can cause npd was thought-provoking.
My childhood was horrible, so I was determined to make certain my own child knew they were loved, valued, and that they had high self-esteem. It must have been painful when the world didn't always hold them in the same regard I did. I never thought of that.
As my child became an adult and I saw npd traits, I had already viewed myself as a survivor/victim/empath for soooo long. We became like oil and water. As enough time passed, I was able to understand that with personality disorders, if you have one, you don't realize it.
I realized that even if my child had npd, I wasn't just a poor, helpless, innocent victim who survived a bad childhood only to end up with an abusive adult child. I wasn't some spiritual empath able to perceive the pain of others. That was a fairy tale that I was outgrowing too late. After watching this video, I have a name for what I may be experiencing now, low-grade narcissism.
Of all the pain I've experienced, knowing that my adult child may suffer the rest of their life, at least partially bc of how I raised them may be the worst. Apologizing only goes so far. If I can't do anything else, I am staying healthy and working to have something to leave them in the future.
Knowing this and seeing myself still perceiving others and acting in the world in a way that perpetuates my situation can be a helpless feeling. But not as helpless as not knowing what's wrong. For me, at least, true change is slow, and it feels like betrayal of the core of my being, leaving nothing familiar inside. It's like divorcing yourself.
I'm hoping I can sufficiently integrate my shadows so I can enjoy life and people more as time passes. I want to be as present as possible for my adult child. How much can I change? I don't know. Between short journeys out around others where I learn and practice new skills, I still spend most of my time in my safe shell, still healing, trying to figure things out, and protecting myself and others the best way I know how, for now.
You raise an important issue. Which is most damaging to a child? Being constantly told you are wonderful or constantly being told you are worthless? Both can be equally damaging
There's almost no way to escape childhood without trauma, infact doing so would leave one soft, useless and vulnerable, I'm sure of it.
Fingers crossed my children work it out for themselves in time to raise their own.
I'm certain the answer is being authentic, developing their confidence to do the same, and from there it's simply up to the gods.
Man, this is such one of the most honest and realistic reflections ive heard a parent engage on the subject of their faults of parenting..,
I applaud you for that.
Wow, beautiful post. I think what you said is the way forward, just being present and honest. I don't think it's a waste of time either to apologize for what you see as your failings. It may help plant the seed for change, maybe allows a more open relationship to grow.
If you feel your son has a disorder, maybe being open and honest with him is a way for him to start seeing his own self. Maybe it's not possible, but something made you see your self, right? Again, it might plant a seed that does nothing for years, but maybe at some point it starts to grow. Worth a try at least.
Thank you for sharing this earnest reflection with us strangers here! All the best to you
No disrespect to your significant other, (if there is one) if no one has told you today you are absolutely gorgeous..I DO MEAN GORGEOUS!!!
Oh my and thank you for this video. I wasn’t sure I should read my sister as having NPD or NP traits and your description of how the person reacts when confronting them with their behaviors sealed it for me. My sister raged, denied she ever did anything wrong and attacked me in a most dissociative way. It was surreal but I’ve been struggling with the idea she was lost, thinking maybe I’ve read her behavior incorrectly and saw her worse than she actually was. This confirms my decision to go entirely no contact was spot on. I don’t have time for this type of crap since there’s no chance of change in her. Thank you.
You're not alone, sounds word for word how my sister reacted to me addressing paranoia. She destroyed my valuables as a result of me not giving into her paranoid control.
Something to consider….nobody willingly accepts criticism. How would you feel if someone told you that you were fat? I don’t think it’s a reliable marker to determine if someone has low grade narcissism. Lacking empathy and having unrealistic grandiose opinions of themselves or their children is much more reliable in my opinion.
Yeah, unfortunately I don't think the test is quite this simple. There's no way to avoid a judgement call. Someone with low-grade narcissism may initially rage, but then come around and make a genuine effort to change. Someone with NPD might initially rage, but then pretend to come around as a fawning action. It can still be subtle to discern, and subtle is hard when there's a lot of pain between two people.
@@Mel130673 she went into a dissociative rage. Pretty self evident for me.
You hit the nail on the head throughout this video. Thank you for using accessible language and not clinical claptrap.