Bert Kreischer - Flying Dildos - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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  • Опубликовано: 22 ноя 2024

Комментарии • 2,8 тыс.

  • @standup
    @standup 5 лет назад +158

    In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: ruclips.net/p/PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ

    • @adamclark9253
      @adamclark9253 5 лет назад +7

      To bad you ruined a good thing,, are you proud of yourselves?..

    • @cotydunaway
      @cotydunaway 3 года назад

      .
      78jh$)&I

    • @chrisvierra6110
      @chrisvierra6110 Год назад

      ​@@adamclark9253tttg6tfg

    • @philobetto5106
      @philobetto5106 Год назад +1

      I don't know if I should laugh or flog myself

    • @markschwichtenberg5867
      @markschwichtenberg5867 Год назад +1

      @@philobetto5106eared did. E Ed Ed e we😂f
      Eder was s Ed Ed’s CC dads as cdd

  • @johnsonw.7853
    @johnsonw.7853 5 лет назад +674

    That woman who Yelled NOOO!!!! says it all!!

  • @cobraimploder
    @cobraimploder 5 лет назад +2442

    "Well, I could use some cheering up, let's go to the Anne Frank house." I'll be damned if that's not the most irony condensed into one sentence.

    • @richie9308
      @richie9308 Год назад +10

      "Thats not a cheering up kind of place"

  • @lateral6285
    @lateral6285 6 лет назад +3638

    Those pants are so dangerously low

  • @kaygrace7391
    @kaygrace7391 6 лет назад +3260

    his stomach is so round

  • @s3rviceDog
    @s3rviceDog 5 лет назад +774

    “It gets bigger!”
    *”NOT ON MY WATCH”*

    • @Charliliean
      @Charliliean 3 года назад +2

      Think about your mom

    • @Miranda-vw6vz
      @Miranda-vw6vz 7 месяцев назад +1

      Hey, do you have any sisters

  • @murphyscott3078
    @murphyscott3078 6 лет назад +1371

    ROSA TUBBSMAN IM FUCKIN DEAD

  • @HalfandHalfTH
    @HalfandHalfTH 5 лет назад +450

    I honestly laughed the hardest at "Rosa Tubsman"

  • @xmobhitman
    @xmobhitman 4 года назад +801

    The funniest line, "I wish I was Anne Franke right now so I wouldn't have to see this." Perfect!

  • @heathfever108
    @heathfever108 5 лет назад +740

    9:39 DID THAT DUDE SAY ”GET IT MACHINE”?!

  • @jay692
    @jay692 6 лет назад +343

    Holy shit I lost it when he started telling Hellen Keller jokes in the Anne Frank house.

  • @Nebby-vg6kl
    @Nebby-vg6kl 7 лет назад +3086

    It's admirable how coherent his story was considering how drunk he was.

    • @user-dl8yo3wv1t
      @user-dl8yo3wv1t 7 лет назад +108

      Nebby1989 at that point he was a hardcore alcoholic, like a dangerous intense alcoholic

    • @TheHyde8875
      @TheHyde8875 6 лет назад +22

      Thanos dude. He still is

    • @user-dl8yo3wv1t
      @user-dl8yo3wv1t 6 лет назад +14

      bingo oatmeal well he did that sober month or whatever with joe rogan

    • @justnikkicordray581
      @justnikkicordray581 6 лет назад +8

      He was faded at the blue note 😂

    • @SpectreSpook
      @SpectreSpook 6 лет назад +96

      Well, he is the machine.

  • @Enbious
    @Enbious 6 лет назад +321

    He’s The Machine.

    • @Cryuigg
      @Cryuigg 5 лет назад +3

      * “I’M THE MACHINE!!!” *

    • @Cryuigg
      @Cryuigg 5 лет назад +4

      *_”I’M THE MACHINE!!!”_*

    • @mommy_milkers703
      @mommy_milkers703 5 лет назад +5

      “I understand that you are the machine”

    • @RealRuler2112
      @RealRuler2112 5 лет назад +6

      @@mommy_milkers703 "It would be an honor to do a shot of vodka with... The Machine."
      Maybe these Machine stories have gotten a little out of control....

    • @zwinny0408
      @zwinny0408 5 лет назад +3

      *_fuck that bitch this is Russia._*

  • @gamingvampireking1704
    @gamingvampireking1704 5 лет назад +4585

    Turn this guy's life into a movie

    • @jeffree6996
      @jeffree6996 5 лет назад +92

      Gamingvampireking I thought he was the inspiration for Van Wilder

    • @ragreenburg
      @ragreenburg 5 лет назад +35

      @@jeffree6996 He absolutely is.

    • @sladeslayed
      @sladeslayed 5 лет назад +9

      @@jeffree6996 that was the joke, in fact.

    • @saranyaghosh5806
      @saranyaghosh5806 5 лет назад +39

      We need a series not a single movieee

    • @JaGZxXx
      @JaGZxXx 5 лет назад

      Gamingvampireking a

  • @marcobaek1378
    @marcobaek1378 Год назад +136

    in an alternate universe...Helen Frank, Anne Keller, Rosa Tubsman, and Harriet Park are laughing insanely in the crowd

  • @mrnobody6447
    @mrnobody6447 5 лет назад +227

    "Like when apollo 13 landed" goddamn I cant tell if that's a clever joke or a hilarious fuckup on names.

    • @johnettastevens4906
      @johnettastevens4906 5 лет назад +7

      Both

    • @JonnyG3
      @JonnyG3 3 года назад +7

      I think he means when it safely landed back on Earth

    • @mrnobody6447
      @mrnobody6447 3 года назад +3

      @@JonnyG3 I was thinking of the moon and apollo 11. That's true that movie came out awhile ago now.

    • @HtotheG
      @HtotheG 3 года назад +5

      Apollo 13 was correct. The mission went wrong and had to divert from the moon and NASA had to scramble to figure out how to get them back to earth with only the tools onboard, while the astronauts barely had enough to survive, while the whole nation watched on TV. So it's not hard to imagine why them landing back on earth would be exciting. Great Movie, Apollo 13, if you're interested (It's got Kevin Bacon)

    • @DetectiveHarry
      @DetectiveHarry 8 месяцев назад +1

      I was thinking the same. Honestly either one works in terms of a celebration reference., landing apollo 11 on the moon was a big deal, and getting apollo 13 back with everyone safely was also a big deal. But its funnier to imagine that he just got them mixed up.

  • @Hi5ghosted
    @Hi5ghosted 8 лет назад +124

    watched this on tv and cried laughing. Watched it again, cried laughing. Watched it here, cried laughing and forced all my friends to watch it. PURE FUCKING GOLD!!

  • @sleepingcowboy17
    @sleepingcowboy17 6 лет назад +806

    i died at rosa tubsman

    • @teila211
      @teila211 6 лет назад +2

      Mary Nida same, thats what did me in too😂

    • @gremlin8216
      @gremlin8216 6 лет назад +1

      SAME

    • @aronquemarr7434
      @aronquemarr7434 6 лет назад +1

      I hit my head on the wall behind me.
      And I had no idea who Harriet Tubman was.

    • @StuartFoust
      @StuartFoust 5 лет назад +3

      Same. Had a really hard time keeping it together in my cube while i'm supposed to be working.

    • @angelgjr1999
      @angelgjr1999 5 лет назад +2

      I spit out my coffee and nearly choked to death :(

  • @tombstonechess2231
    @tombstonechess2231 7 лет назад +758

    Ari sounded like a soul drained robot trying to exhibit human emotions when he came up to transition him off stage. Jesus man, at least try to be a host.
    Bert is awesome though. Hooked since "The Machine" bit.

    • @biggusriggus7693
      @biggusriggus7693 6 лет назад +21

      The Insomniac Died I mean dude, if you are Jewish and heard someone making Anne Frank jokes at the holocaust museum, you might be hard pressed for laughs too. But atleast he just smiled and transitioned it over

    • @TimedRevolver
      @TimedRevolver 6 лет назад +24

      He was making Helen Keller jokes. He didn't know who Anne Frank was.

    • @CIarkCulver
      @CIarkCulver 6 лет назад +31

      In a podcast, Bert said he didn't know how to end the story. So he asked Ari to come on stage and ask Bert if he ever went to the Anne Frank House. This is why Ari's laughter looks so forced.

    • @messiah690
      @messiah690 6 лет назад +7

      Ari is an arrogant prick 🤷‍♂️ imo

    • @CeartGoLeor86
      @CeartGoLeor86 6 лет назад +9

      Bert's a funny guy. But Ari's Dad and his grandmother were Holocaust survivors. Her Dad and 9 of her 10 siblings were killed by the Nazis. He probably heard the story already. But even jokes you've heard before that touch on personal trauma can get you dwelling on it.

  • @Heckandback
    @Heckandback 5 лет назад +70

    8:49 His voice gets so squeaky, I'm crying!! XD

  • @charlottem.1477
    @charlottem.1477 5 лет назад +50

    I love that he acknowledges that he screws shit up. I can appreciate that!!!!

  • @jayrose22
    @jayrose22 6 лет назад +29

    Bert kills everytime, my eyes are sweating and my stomach hurts. I have heard that story a couple times but everytime it makes me laugh even more.

  • @bkd2117
    @bkd2117 6 лет назад +638

    It's refreshing to see a comedian tell real stories. You could tell just how real they were by his reactions like he was reliving the shit. This was hilarious! I'm definitely gonna have to watch more of this guys stand-up.

    • @joey.steely00
      @joey.steely00 5 лет назад +17

      Tbh if i thought anybody was faking stories at this time in comedy, i would think it was him. But i like giving him the benefit of the doubt

    • @NorthernLightsGaming
      @NorthernLightsGaming 2 года назад +3

      @@joey.steely00 hearing Joey Diaz’s stories are insane. I believe him so Bert’s might be real idk

    • @afterthought3341
      @afterthought3341 Год назад

      ​@@NorthernLightsGaming they're Mabey have a basis in truth

    • @tonyp7387
      @tonyp7387 Год назад +1

      ik you commented this 4 yrs ago but he faked his machine story so idk if i would say any of these stories are real

  • @quadecaX8
    @quadecaX8 7 лет назад +6588

    this is the funniest shit i have ever seen lmaooo

    • @DaddySax
      @DaddySax 6 лет назад +86

      Quadeca Holy shit watch his “The machine” video

    • @donnerkebab1052
      @donnerkebab1052 6 лет назад +4

      Ayyyyy Quadeca u the goat love your videos , yours and moxey tune is straight 🔥🔥

    • @Patchw0rkx
      @Patchw0rkx 6 лет назад +6

      Quadeca was fucking crying as soon as he said 8inch dildo was Excaliburing down my throat lmaooooooo

    • @whitesnow3352
      @whitesnow3352 6 лет назад +2

      Yo your music is amazing

    • @tylernelson3167
      @tylernelson3167 6 лет назад

      Yo make more hs soccer vides ily dad

  • @jonnylawless6797
    @jonnylawless6797 3 года назад +106

    You can tell the whole "Rosa Tubbsman" bit was real, his reaction was hilarious 😂

  • @RectalProlapse69420
    @RectalProlapse69420 5 лет назад +1229

    The only time I’ve laughed when I’m not supposed to is when a 6th grader was singing the national anthem at my wrestling championships and she had almost 4 voice cracks in the “land of the free” part at the end and I fell over laughing in front of five different schools and a crowd of veterans and four of my friends started laughing and helped me up and I almost got kicked out

    • @wardoc0435
      @wardoc0435 5 лет назад +94

      Don't sweat it dude. I'm a combat veteran and I'd have probably been laughing right along with you, lol.

    • @brianbutler8023
      @brianbutler8023 5 лет назад +4

      @Raul Ybarra and then let me guess everybody ended clapping for you

    • @shanebennis6914
      @shanebennis6914 5 лет назад +51

      reminds me of a time when I was about the same age, and I don't know if every school is like this but every kid had to be in choir from grade 5 through 8, and there was boy's choir and girl's choir which usually had separate concerts with different songs. So one year the school decided to merge the two concerts and have one boys and girls concert, which I can only assume is because some parents must have complained about having to go to 6 of these fucking things every year, since the area I came from is heavily scandinavian and most families had somewhere between 8 and fucking 15 kids. I don't know why, I always assumed it had something to do with scandinavians being from very cold regions of the world so when you put them in central Minnesota and give them 90 degree summers their semen reacts kind of like houseflies when it's warm outside and they just start flying at fucking supersonic speeds. So anyway a lot of families in my school had multiple children in each grade. So we're having this joint choir concert and the girl's choir is up first because it was progressive as fuck, and the boy's choir was all sat in the front of the auditorium watching the girls "perform", and there's this girl in the back row of the choir who's fucking moving her head up and down with the notes of the song, almost like tilting her head up was going to help her hit the high notes. That by itself was kind of funny, but it wasn't until the last song that shit got real. It comes to a point in the song where there's a very extended very very high note, and this girl is looking straight up singing this note for what felt like half the fucking song. She fucking passes out, falls backward off the risers, the two girls on each side of here see this and try to catch her but just end up getting pulled down with her. The teacher notices and stops playing the piano at the exact moment one of the girls yells "AUGH FUCKNUCKLE!" and the entire boys choir immediately starts dying of laughter. The choir teacher looks down at us from the stage with the fucking devil in her eyes and screams "IT'S NOT FUNNY" but there was no calming us down. We were laughing with that kind of intensity that can only come from seeing something really funny in the midst of a desert of boredom. It was like a diamond in the rough, except instead of a diamond it was a 6th grade girl getting a minor concussion. The icing on the cake was they stopped the concert so the boy's choir never got to perform any of the shitty songs we had been learning for the past 3 months.

    • @RealRuler2112
      @RealRuler2112 5 лет назад +12

      @@shanebennis6914 One of my high level college IT courses was very, very technical, one week in particular being exceedingly in depth learning exactly what happens inside the CPU of a computer at each step. Me being me, I ate it up and found it extremely interesting, putting together previously unconnected tidbits of knowledge of how computers work. However, one of the girls in the back suddenly started giggling uncontrollably and could not stop - she literally had to leave the room. It wasn't until well after that I discovered what triggered her - one of the other girls leaned over and asked "Is this what it's like to be dead?" while the lecture was going on. =)

    • @mrdubbz2833
      @mrdubbz2833 5 лет назад +1

      Nice logo, bandito Dorito

  • @shostyvirt5896
    @shostyvirt5896 6 лет назад +2813

    Bert was hilarious but the dude fake laughing into the mic for the last three minutes almost killed the whole thing for me

    • @austinking1280
      @austinking1280 6 лет назад +195

      Fucking same, omg who the hell is that dude

    • @lilyliao9521
      @lilyliao9521 6 лет назад +21

      Hahaha

    • @ianhayden6088
      @ianhayden6088 6 лет назад +57

      Austin King you know, the host of the show

    • @oldsalty3707
      @oldsalty3707 6 лет назад +93

      PieceOfPeace That's his real laugh though...

    • @elijahking1801
      @elijahking1801 6 лет назад +130

      Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha.

  • @SamuelvanOs
    @SamuelvanOs 6 лет назад +507

    9:36 get it machine

  • @Loki.Lyesmyth
    @Loki.Lyesmyth 7 лет назад +555

    Rosa Tubsman! OMFG! I'm in tears. lol

    • @Oakhart76
      @Oakhart76 6 лет назад

      It's Tubman, not Tubsman.

    • @HazeAroundtheWorld
      @HazeAroundtheWorld 6 лет назад +11

      +Kilroy was here
      You obviously didn't watch the video

    • @GOAT13431
      @GOAT13431 6 лет назад +2

      When I heard that I almost puked I was laughing so hard

    • @tinybrownin
      @tinybrownin 6 лет назад

      Loki Lyesmyth right?!?! I friggin died!!! LMMFAO like tears rolling down my face

    • @aceofspades8926
      @aceofspades8926 6 лет назад

      Kilroy was here You’re wrong

  • @kh0357
    @kh0357 4 года назад +70

    when bert starts laughing at his own jokes you know it’s great comedy

  • @Solarjolt
    @Solarjolt 4 года назад +39

    Ari: * Laughs in try-not-to-lose-my-job *

  • @jmiscstuff8704
    @jmiscstuff8704 7 лет назад +81

    Bert is the man. Bert the conquer is great show too.

    • @rurikvolkov2810
      @rurikvolkov2810 7 лет назад +1

      Jmisc Stuff no he is not the man
      HE'S THE MACHINE

  • @YoureInSilico
    @YoureInSilico 7 лет назад +45

    This was so fucking good. Love how he just couldn't contain his laugh the entire time.

  • @butch2811
    @butch2811 7 лет назад +45

    This is my favorite this is not happening by far. Holy crap The Machine has some tales!

  • @xephonaxseptim7378
    @xephonaxseptim7378 5 лет назад +23

    I love Rosa Tubsmans. My favorite original oc character. Fucking brilliant.

  • @ktkikiart9071
    @ktkikiart9071 5 лет назад +170

    Is his stomach getting rounder or is he just entering his last trimester?

  • @leeannlyons9476
    @leeannlyons9476 7 лет назад +264

    THIS is what we need more of from Bert! New material that's fucking funny! That was one of the best This Is Not Happening stories ever

    • @MAKAV3L1
      @MAKAV3L1 7 лет назад +4

      LeeAnn Stumpff He's a really good story teller. I'm sitting here laughing my ass off trying to visualize his story making me crack up even more 😂.

    • @gabrieltorres7265
      @gabrieltorres7265 6 лет назад +1

      Yeah! He's the funniest story teller, shame that most of them never happened

  • @saltwaterandsunshine8884
    @saltwaterandsunshine8884 6 лет назад +79

    When he starts crying I’m dying

  • @vladzorin1006
    @vladzorin1006 7 лет назад +14

    I was on the fence about both Ari and Bert, this video helped me sort out both and they went in very much the opposite directions.

  • @tonnjabraden2080
    @tonnjabraden2080 5 лет назад +4

    I'm such a huge fan of his! I love the way he's so honest about himself and has that historical 'If u didn't think I was stupid before this story started " lol. I so love him

  • @MisterNibletMC
    @MisterNibletMC 5 лет назад +62

    have you guys ever thought about the people that are standing/sitting behind Bert. Like they are hearing his voice but all they're seeing is straight ass crack and the outskirts of his beer gut...

  • @HarryVerolme
    @HarryVerolme 7 лет назад +21

    Just when I thought it was over, it got even better! I almost chocked with laughter!

  • @andersevenrud
    @andersevenrud 8 лет назад +791

    I'm in tears! That was so good :D

  • @TexasAristocrat
    @TexasAristocrat 7 лет назад +1105

    The other dudes laugh was so fake lol literally going”hahaha”

    • @MystPlazma
      @MystPlazma 6 лет назад +50

      Kingrizzly I know it’s annoying

    • @sf6117
      @sf6117 6 лет назад +73

      That's literally his laugh. Listen to his podcast.
      He's pretty much stoned all the time.

    • @elihernandez800
      @elihernandez800 6 лет назад +23

      Well.. Hes Jewish so...

    • @FailsAndLuck
      @FailsAndLuck 6 лет назад +3

      Seems related

    • @katmygod6186
      @katmygod6186 6 лет назад +2

      k knoll p0plplpp]p

  • @alora3304
    @alora3304 5 лет назад +293

    Bert is one of my top favorite comedians now. But let's just mention how calm and fake the host's laugh is compared to Bert at the end ... That's some unsettling shit

    • @squirlmy
      @squirlmy 4 года назад +34

      idk. I think that's Ari Shaffir, whose father and grandmother were Holocaust survivors. I think his reaction is pretty chill, all things considered, and he adds his own joke "She didn't invent Braille". I'm not sure if that's what you were referring too, and Bert's laugh at the end is so weird and high, and hysterical, any other laugh in comparison would seem fake. Are you saying the laugh of the son and grandson of Holocaust is unsettling? I think its super cool of him to even get up on the same stage.

    • @muneerbhaiyat9777
      @muneerbhaiyat9777 4 года назад +3

      @@squirlmy They are actually best friends

    • @ledfloyd9035
      @ledfloyd9035 4 года назад +1

      @@squirlmy shut up or I'll find a closet for you.

    • @electricturtle3326
      @electricturtle3326 4 года назад +4

      If you haven't already, check out JRE. Their friendship is a saga 😂

    • @spookith
      @spookith 3 года назад

      Legit just went "he--he--he--he--he--he"

  • @mattott4274
    @mattott4274 5 лет назад +6

    It's been a year since i saw this last.... and it has me crying all over again. Fuck i can't wait to see Bert live this Friday

  • @Thugneck26
    @Thugneck26 6 лет назад +537

    This literally had me crying and laughing so hard ... I just had surgery and tore a stitch out

  • @bashirel-orm1866
    @bashirel-orm1866 6 лет назад +149

    Ari looks like he hates this shit so much

    • @deazy6453
      @deazy6453 6 лет назад +2

      And that's why we don't like Ari

  • @MrTigerlore
    @MrTigerlore 7 лет назад +545

    Wow, the host kinda killed the vibe. He was the only person in the room that didn't think Bert was funny.

    • @feliceamado5454
      @feliceamado5454 6 лет назад +13

      Tiger H. Lore his laugh kills it too

    • @y_magaming9798
      @y_magaming9798 6 лет назад +60

      Hans wurst it's a comedy club you gotta expect some wild shit. Fuck that nice shit when it comes to the stage

    • @CanItAlready
      @CanItAlready 6 лет назад +26

      hans wurst He's not the first comedian to joke about going to the Anne Frank House stoned and he won't be the last. But the jokes weren't about her or even Helen Keller so much as his own ignorance.

    • @BigRawb666
      @BigRawb666 6 лет назад +2

      He probably already heard them a few times

    • @YoungRicochet
      @YoungRicochet 6 лет назад +5

      @@4Gill4 or cuz thay r friends and he has heard the stores before

  • @Nobody-bb4ep
    @Nobody-bb4ep 5 лет назад +51

    My cheeks are so tired from smiling too much and laughing this whole video 🤣

  • @Punky_fox2
    @Punky_fox2 6 лет назад +37

    when he's taking a sip of his beer that guy that just says "Get it, Machine" lmfao

  • @weldinsson
    @weldinsson 8 лет назад +227

    lol thanks for making tears come out my eyes I laughed so hard..

    • @108nighthawk
      @108nighthawk 7 лет назад +2

      Will Alcantara Same here

    • @erin9322
      @erin9322 7 лет назад +1

      Opposed. There's this thing called a dictionary? Maybe you should open one before you try to troll.

    • @ColtNomad
      @ColtNomad 7 лет назад

      Where else are they supposed to come from?

  • @motometo2744
    @motometo2744 6 лет назад +201

    Lmfao watched mafia before this their both halarious

  • @Ramblr
    @Ramblr 5 лет назад +8

    this is EASILY one of the funniest 15 minutes of comedy there is!

  • @valoer
    @valoer 5 лет назад +26

    9:39 *lowkey in the back* "GET IT MACHINE"

  • @cagletheboss
    @cagletheboss 5 лет назад +181

    13:51 what the f*** is that laugh

    • @kurtkugel2365
      @kurtkugel2365 5 лет назад +17

      Ari doesn't actually like him. He probably resents the fact that Bert is more popular but fat and appears less intelligent than he is.

    • @turndelorean
      @turndelorean 5 лет назад +13

      At first I thought its how he laughs, some weird laugh like Jimmy Carr or something, but this is fake as it gets.

    • @justinmason5182
      @justinmason5182 5 лет назад +7

      Kurt Kugel watch the sober October podcasts. You couldn’t be more wrong

    • @tyronebiggums7296
      @tyronebiggums7296 5 лет назад +1

      It's the laugh of a jew

    • @brianelliott6747
      @brianelliott6747 5 лет назад +2

      @@kurtkugel2365 dude dont spread fake rumors like where did you even hear that ik u just made it up to sound smart but at least do some research they're friends u imbecile

  • @roypurdy4127
    @roypurdy4127 7 лет назад +1747

    lmfao

  • @sjbcatcher
    @sjbcatcher 7 лет назад +51

    This might be the funniest This Is Not Happening to date😂😂😂

  • @investingwithoptions
    @investingwithoptions 7 лет назад +94

    "I don't drink on stage!"

  • @cranbers
    @cranbers 4 года назад +2

    Gotta love Bert Kreischer unlike alot of comedians now his stories are real life and very funny the stuff he gets himself into.

  • @LadyAdDikt
    @LadyAdDikt 6 лет назад +1

    I can never get enough of this story. My all time favorite

  • @AK-oj7gv
    @AK-oj7gv 6 лет назад +22

    I haven't stopped crying from laughter. Someone recently made a joke about me needing to tattoo my ID# on my arm; I joked my Jewish grandparents might not approve of numbers on my arm, because of the implication. The gears turning moment was absolutely hilarious and an excellent life experience. Great travel advice

    • @NONANTI
      @NONANTI Год назад +2

      I was working on the fountain pop machine when my Indian boss (dot not feather) came in with 4 of his relatives and all start watching what I'm doing. After a couple minutes I look around the circle and say, "This must be how General Custer felt." They didn't get the joke. You see... Cause I was surrounded by Indi... Never mind.

  • @FlyingRubberGuard
    @FlyingRubberGuard 7 лет назад +2500

    I'm 26 and I learned that Anne Frank and Helen Keller isn't the same person right now lmfao

    • @jakeblues875
      @jakeblues875 7 лет назад +41

      You me both... and I am 29. Needless to say, I'm going straight to hell.

    • @brandenfarbanger3935
      @brandenfarbanger3935 7 лет назад +18

      Oh no. Helen Keller was an incredible woman

    • @dropshotter4419
      @dropshotter4419 7 лет назад +101

      When you realize you were expecting more from humans...

    • @xovern1
      @xovern1 7 лет назад +118

      Thank you American school system

    • @pumpkin7296
      @pumpkin7296 7 лет назад +12

      RelevantUsername who the fuck is helen

  • @HarryVerolme
    @HarryVerolme 7 лет назад +1713

    I literally just got the plunger joke at 3:05

    • @thelightninggamery860
      @thelightninggamery860 7 лет назад +67

      Harry Verolme I dont help me help me ! NIGGA !!!!

    • @BluntBrazenCurt_Evolved
      @BluntBrazenCurt_Evolved 7 лет назад +17

      Harry Verolme what does it mean

    • @HarryVerolme
      @HarryVerolme 7 лет назад +388

      In my mind she'd sit on it, because she's blind so she can't see there's a plunger. That's just me though, not sure if it's actually what he meant.

    • @DhruvTheComputerTechkumar
      @DhruvTheComputerTechkumar 6 лет назад +10

      The Lightning GamerY 👉👌💦💦💦

    • @AnnaZombi
      @AnnaZombi 6 лет назад +6

      would u use a toilet on display at a museum?

  • @isaiahwright4536
    @isaiahwright4536 5 лет назад +82

    9:40 “you’re the machine”

    • @UnlessIWin
      @UnlessIWin 5 лет назад +11

      He's said "get it machine"

    • @Sully2001
      @Sully2001 5 лет назад +3

      Lunatic Fringe I thought it was “Hit it Machine”

    • @TakezoLFC
      @TakezoLFC 5 лет назад +1

      Alex Gaming he did say hit it machine

  • @gon3g1rl
    @gon3g1rl 5 лет назад +2

    i have been binge watching clips of this show for a week straight now. i just let the entire intro play for the first time.
    i’m also very stoned right now.

  • @danielpenrod5843
    @danielpenrod5843 6 лет назад +39

    I hope to have Bert as the angel and devil on my shoulders.

  • @Lytsout193
    @Lytsout193 8 лет назад +1074

    Bert is the best storyteller next to Joey Diaz!

    • @shawngoodine9645
      @shawngoodine9645 7 лет назад +13

      And Jim Jefferies

    • @johnanhnguyen
      @johnanhnguyen 7 лет назад +17

      Lytsout193 you fucking momo

    • @Lytsout193
      @Lytsout193 7 лет назад +2

      Joey Diaz Your stories are fuckin Tremendous too Joey! Haha

    • @LetsBeClear87
      @LetsBeClear87 7 лет назад +8

      Lytsout193 and Ali Siddiq . Gangster ass ganster

    • @malshepard749
      @malshepard749 7 лет назад +13

      nah brah, jim jeffries

  • @Mike-hj7gg
    @Mike-hj7gg 7 лет назад +29

    i'd honestly be hard pressed to find ANYTHING on youtube that makes me laugh as much as i just did to this story.. hooooly shit, im fucking crying over here.

  • @MartussMartuss
    @MartussMartuss 5 лет назад +21

    Purple man's lines:
    "Haha. Hahaha. Hahahahaha. Haha. Ha. Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha. Haha. Ha"

  • @Dr.HannibalLecterVIII
    @Dr.HannibalLecterVIII 5 лет назад +9

    When he takes a sip of the beer some guy says "Get it, The Machine" and that's beautiful

  • @MrCaptinrum
    @MrCaptinrum 7 лет назад +1461

    fake ass laughter from ari...

    • @malshepard749
      @malshepard749 7 лет назад +1

      Really?

    • @xxsoulhuntxx
      @xxsoulhuntxx 7 лет назад +94

      cant you see his nose?

    • @laurenanderson3098
      @laurenanderson3098 7 лет назад +87

      And his dad and grandmother are Holocaust survivors...I can't even imagine what he must've been thinking listening to this.

    • @MrCaptinrum
      @MrCaptinrum 7 лет назад +58

      Lauren Anderson idgaf either laugh or dont, dont bs it...

    • @dvoraak
      @dvoraak 7 лет назад +85

      There's no way Ari didn't know the bit and was in on setting up the last part.

  • @akaking7499
    @akaking7499 8 лет назад +63

    I haven't laughed this hard in a long time!!!!
    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  • @Glowsticks1000
    @Glowsticks1000 7 лет назад +46

    Fuck the Machine story this is Bert's greatest bit of all time

    • @jjjjjayr9316
      @jjjjjayr9316 7 лет назад +3

      dude the bear one is so fucking funny

  • @TheLoveInYourEar
    @TheLoveInYourEar 4 месяца назад

    Always be kind to people ❤ you never know the hurt they walk around with after. 🙌❤️

  • @thewastedseaman
    @thewastedseaman 2 года назад

    Please, please 🙏. BRING THIS SHOW BACK!

  • @bbqribz570
    @bbqribz570 7 лет назад +146

    ive never laughed that hard at a youtube video

    • @brettwillis1252
      @brettwillis1252 6 лет назад +1

      I absolutely agree. I don't know how many times i've watched this. I still lose it every time lmfao

  • @lukec.7782
    @lukec.7782 6 лет назад +46

    THE MACHINE

  • @valerie7200
    @valerie7200 3 года назад +24

    This guy is the best story teller. I have not been able to get enough of this flying dildos. I laugh my ass off. It's great comedy. Appreciate u Bert

  • @clippedwings225
    @clippedwings225 4 года назад +2

    This was my first TINH and I loved this show for a whole year now.

  • @Gebraldo420
    @Gebraldo420 Год назад +23

    There is never a bad time for a Helen Keller/Anne Frank mishap joke 😏

  • @pdbachmann3099
    @pdbachmann3099 7 лет назад +123

    Rosa tubsman

    • @Oakhart76
      @Oakhart76 6 лет назад +2

      It's Tubman, not Tubsman.

    • @TylerLL2112
      @TylerLL2112 6 лет назад

      Kilroy was here Did we even watch the video?

    • @aceofspades8926
      @aceofspades8926 6 лет назад

      Kilroy was here Dude you’re wrong

  • @stephandewinter2743
    @stephandewinter2743 6 лет назад +20

    "I could use some cheering up, let's go to the Anne Frank House..." LMFAO.

  • @bananabread6148
    @bananabread6148 5 лет назад +14

    You can really feel the tension coming from Ari during that last bit

    • @lkgloki4986
      @lkgloki4986 5 лет назад +1

      But even he laughed at that waffle iron joke he couldn't hold it in😂

  • @AKNeal81
    @AKNeal81 Год назад +2

    I've seen this before, and I'm still crying from laughter 😂

  • @EndergoYT
    @EndergoYT 5 лет назад +46

    I LITERALLY MIXED UP ANNE FRANK AND HELEN KELLER THE OTHER DAY WTFFFF!!!!

  • @stephentreiber4272
    @stephentreiber4272 6 лет назад +6

    This is genuinely the funniest thing I've watched in years. I'm crying laughing

  • @shanezanoni9932
    @shanezanoni9932 8 лет назад +15

    I have not laughed this hard in years

  • @therealbatman8085
    @therealbatman8085 7 лет назад +42

    Rosa Tubman no way rofl lol

  • @Muppio
    @Muppio 5 лет назад +1

    That's the most adorable and contagious laugh i've ever heard.

  • @banana_junior_9000
    @banana_junior_9000 5 лет назад +1

    I read her diary at 11-years old then I read it again this past year. WAY more compelling.

  • @georgeclinton4524
    @georgeclinton4524 5 лет назад +5

    lmao Bert was so hungover he forgot to tell the end of his story. Ari with the assist, so natural you didn't even notice him basically doing a Brian Allen 'Comics Unleashed' style set-up.

    • @Deenique16
      @Deenique16 5 лет назад

      He has a family too? I wonder if hes been to rehab if his drinking is that bad

    • @georgeclinton4524
      @georgeclinton4524 5 лет назад

      NeickhaSuPRA Hangovers =\= drinking problems and/or a physical addiction to alcohol. A bad hangovers only indicates a lack of certain nutrients in your body, causing your body to struggle with eliminating toxins. Vegetarians get bad hangovers because their diet frequently causes them to lack these nutrients, but I wouldn't send them to addiction counselling because of it www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&biw=&bih=&q=Vegetarians+get+bad+hangovers++&gbv=2&oq=Vegetarians+get+bad+hangovers

  • @Sammy-ox1my
    @Sammy-ox1my 5 лет назад +16

    "Poke it back in!" The fear in his voice, I could only imagine. LMAO

  • @JFDavis-lq1bp
    @JFDavis-lq1bp 6 лет назад +46

    Rosa Tubsman was an American hero!!!!

  • @josephchellin5852
    @josephchellin5852 Год назад

    I am in tears I love Bert's stories

  • @jasonbonifacio8648
    @jasonbonifacio8648 3 года назад

    Nothing will beat his machine story I watch it ever so often and it never gets old

  • @108nighthawk
    @108nighthawk 7 лет назад +4

    I'm crying. Bravo.

  • @daddy_shark96
    @daddy_shark96 8 лет назад +10

    Oh my god I was just crying and laughing through the entire video this is just absolutely funny!

  • @brodieroomojo
    @brodieroomojo 4 года назад

    BEST BREAKDOWN ON STAGE EVER!!!

  • @Gobrice
    @Gobrice 5 лет назад

    I had to pause this, It has me crying and laughing too much while at work