The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE
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- Опубликовано: 27 дек 2016
- This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
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This is the most Florida shit I’ve ever heard “Florida student joins mafia on field trip”
Matteo Castillo Sensidoni wiilcock
Sounds like gay porn
Then gets into trouble for stealing but finds out the police are with him
Seems like a normal thing here. ( I’m from Florida)
They’re wild
Speech: 1
Charisma: 100
Luck: 100
If you read Russian fairytales they are never about a hero who is clever or brave. It is always some man who coasts by on his luck and the help of those who are smarter and willing to help.
@@justajumpingypsygirl Ok, I'm going to Russia. Wish me luck lol.
Hotel: Trivago
@@davebuchan81 I wish you neither fur nor feather (their equivalent of break a leg)
Goes to show that you don't need ranks in combat if you have charisma
7 years and 50 million views later and it's now a movie! Congrats Bart krishneil
Burnt Chrysler*
*Bernie Karborizer
What movie?
@@sachidanandprajapati9446 the machine
Barbie Catalytic converter*
I took Russian in college for 4 semesters, I actually did learn a little bit. I had a classmate who went on a trip there, he said he got robbed by some little kids with a gun for cigarettes, and $5 and then afterwards they smoked the cigs they stole from him with him 😂 Then he and a friend got picked up by the police for pissing in the street, got put in the cop car and the cop was just like “meh each of you give me $20.” Then they drank vodka in the patrol car and the cop passed out. Sounds like an interesting place.
The morale of the story: sounds like an interesting place.
Sweeeeeeet
Sounds like bullshit, tbh
Russia is a really interesting place to visit. Come to us)
yes, and then they went to the bears to refuel a nuclear reactor, and of course they played the balalaika along the way. This is exactly what usually happens with us.
yes, it was. now it is a much shitty place - the police will just rob you, probably even fuck, you never know for sure, the mafia doesn't exist anymore, at leasе outside the perimeter of Kremlin, only Lenin still so fresh and so clean
“When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here’s how it happened....”- that, my friends, is how you start a story.
That is how you start, continue and finish a story. Man has a real gift at telling a story
welcome to my TED talk
And that's how he began his senior thesis for the Liberal Arts Teacher. Natch.
Almost as good as "No shit, there I was..."
I distinctly remember the first time I watched this three or four years ago & as my memory faded, I mainly just remembered that opening. It was brilliant and people started cheering. It became my new standard for good crowd response
"Never learned a word"
*but you learned the ones that mattered.*
C.o.R “I fuck cats”
Take the money
I AM THE MACHINE
Fuck that bitch, this is Russia!! 👏
Fuck off
This was posted 6 years ago, today me and a buddy are getting hammered and going to watch it as a movie in theatres. Congrats Bert!!
It was hilarious
@Junkers Review ngl best line of the movie mightve been that last "did I do that?"
@@benbrgr9That like cracked me tf up!!! Irina started off as a typical cliche Russian mobster chick, but ended up being hilarious, like a female Bert with a darker sense of humor and who enjoys murdering people!!! The movie was 10x better than I expected, congrats Bert Bert!
The fact that this story is being made into a feature film, is just amazing.
What?? Really
@@anshuuu9708 yeah bro search "The Machine" red band trailer. Looks amazing 😂
@@invisibl3enemy I didn't know about this special until I saw a trailer lol
It'll be just as bad as this stand up.
Is it really "amazing" though?
I wonder if any of the Russian mob is watching this like, “ ah yes, the machine, cool dude”
Its weird that i read this in a russian accent..
@@yayydesuu3949 lol
Kada bi ta prica bila stvarna .
Anna Hakatori same🤣
We're here, Watching. Now we know how the Machine legend was born.
I imagine Bert visiting Russia one day and getting to shake hands with Putin. Only to have Putin lean in and say "So I hear YOU'RE the Machine".
Lmao
Yes!!
BRO THIS WOULD BRING WORLD PEACE
@@joshblank4579 And Hillary tries to show up and ruin shit with her 'liberal arts confidence' but Putin just boots her and says.
"Fuck that bitch; This is Russia!" 😂🤣😂🤣
That would be so fucking awesome!
I think the fact that this is getting turned into a movie/having a sequel made of it is fucking awesome... This is gonna be a lotta fun...
I just watched it last night. I was cracking up the whole time 😂
I have hated on Bert and refused to hear this story. But now I'm double screening with The Machine on it's Netflix debut and Holy Moly. 54 million views? Okay Bert. You get props for that.
bert: **loves his family and is extremely loyal to his wife and children**
also bert: **joins the mafia**
mafia is like family though so it all works out! :D
Family and mafia are like gold and silver
Thats how the mafia works
the Russian mafia doesn't make it better XD
@@jenniferhalleman3839 mafia and family are still like gold and silver
This is what happens when you make a 1 intelligence, 10 charisma character
20*
You mean infinity intelligence?
@@rajansekhar3750 nah, more like infinite charisma xD
@@jae7145 infinite everything
100 charisma
An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."
Yes, fx and Stock investment, I heard it's very profitable
Yes, true but I don't know anything about it.
I have heard so much about Stock how does it work
Did i hear someone say forex ?
Do you believe I invested £4,000 and got paid £51,070 in seven days?
7 years ago, one incredible story blew up the Internet. Now it's a movie
Some old Russians are probably like “see comrades, he is real”
This made my day!
Смотрите, товарищи, машина настоящая! 😂 just walk up to your Дедушка and say do you know the machine? Wait for his response
@@Ginger-vl5yo Привет товарищ
@@Bone_Muncher привет товарищ
@@Ginger-vl5yo translation: hello comrade
Imagine he visits Russia again after all these years and he’s just walking down the street and hears someone scream “THE MACHINE” and boom it’s igor
Wait, which one? Igor, Igor or Igor?
@@Zappygunshot He means Igor, not Igor or Igor
@Trying get to Heavens Gate & cop some Nike Decades Igor and not Igor or Igor? Nah man I think it's Igor.
Ya'll are tripping he's obviously talking about Igor not Igor and he's obviously not talking about Igor, that guy's a fucking nutcase.
I think its igor
"So close I could smell his morning cigarette"...This is a great storyteller. Can't wait for the movie.
The Machine and Mark Hamill bringing this story to the big screen?? I'm in!
Me too!
“Florida man robs train and joins Russian mafia during school field trip”
Seems about right for Florida man
Florida people doing stupid incredible shit isnt just a meme anymore
Crashinator where do you think the meme comes from?
@@imafraidjumitebeinagang
He is The Machine.
Hugh Mungus and no charges were on him
“I went to school at *Florida State”*
Me: *oh yeah...it’s all coming together.*
Somebody explain for the non-Americans please
@1manuscriptman thanks! Now I get it haha
Yep. Pretty much
@@melinavdw342 Florida has a reputation for being "the crazy state" in the US. Part of it is because our arrest records are publically available, so anytime there is a slow news day anywhere in the country, they might publish the latest variation on "Florida man arrested for throwing alligator through Wendy's drivethru window"
@@melinavdw342 If a train-wreck college student was a person, that would be Florida
This is the first story I ever heard from Bert Kreischer and afterwards I hunted down any special or clip of him I could. The situations he gets himself into are pure gold.
A couple years later and he has a MOVIE, so glad to see how successful he became!
Bert: Lv1 Crook
**says "I am the Machine"**
Bert: Lv40 Mob boss
Just Call Me Sköll that’s how mafia works
Dead
That's- Ah, shit
Pop that
Just Call Me Sköll No Mob Boss Fucking Level 1,000, 000, 000, 000 ,000 !!!!
Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"
that's the post credits scene
omg.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Oh you know that's coming hahahaha
"To this day a large group of Russian Mafia, even those in prison, share the legend of The Machine, their very best young member they've ever had. They say he drank 100 Vodka bottles, simply stating his name and his conquest of great felines. After switching to the Moscow Mafia, as his class went there, he used his resources to befriend them as well- for the word of The Machine had spread. They had already prepared appropriate drink for such a man, and they had plans. After telling off a snobby English teacher (for this is Russia, fuck English teachers), the group, with The Machine acting quite famously, brazenly robbed the train.
Even the cops were not immune to The Machine's charm, for they decided to drink with The Machine.
“Seven years ago, one incredible story blew up the internet.”
Looking forward to the new movie!
This is probably the best tourism ad I've seen for Russia.
Sorry the 90s are over, the mafia is gone.😭
@@TheMrKMen Mafia isn't gone at all man.
@@ethansolan7465 The point is that in the 90s the police did not work, but now it works. There was a kind of anarchy. I mean, in St. Petersburg you could easily get a grenade out the window.
Now all the basic institutions of the state are working.
Booking flight now!
K-Men the mafia is in the government now. Сейчас бандиты в правительстве.
Florida man takes school trip to Russia and joins the Russian mafia and ends up becoming local legend, despite not knowing Russian.
That’s how we Floridians roll
@@KevinSmith-gu9ks next time one of us will try to sneak in a gator
I could believe that headline honestly
It's a common knowledge in Russia that enough vodka breaks the language barriers
@@terra_the_nightingale135 nah try and nab the elusive Florida man!
I like how he can't come up with jokes so he just has to live a crazy life and hope something wild happens so he can retell it ♥️♥️♥️
Here rewatching to relive the glory after the movie trailer dropped. Congrats! I'm excited for it.
As a Scottish person I can. Confirm that any language can be learned in days with the assistance of excessive alcohol.
tweetie pie really?
@@donaldgrant4931 yes really.
😂😂😂
@@tweetiepie551 weed too?
@@MrWongWey no sorry weed is useless for anything academic.
Somewhere in Russia, The Bratva is watching this screaming “THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE” and going shot for shot remembering the golden days of the machine!
1k like
FaDe im honestly suprised that it got this many! Thanks to everyone who liked it!
I'm a friend of oliver quinn
yo oly shit im the 2K
Unless they died in a turf war
Watched "The Machine" in theaters (May 26th). It was absolutely hilarious, and this story still continues to make me laugh. 😂😂😂😂 Please do yourself a favor and go watch the film.
I've watched this over and over for years wishing that there would be a movie and today I almost pissed myself laughing when I seen the movie trailer for The Machine!!!!! Yes yes yes it's finally happening!!!!!
"Liberal Arts confidence" was the most underrated thing about the story.
Somebody please explain.
@@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 teachers with an English major (damn Democrats) are the most cocky people you'll ever meet.
Agree
No doubt
Not even underrated. Hardest thing to exaggerate in any story ever.
All made sense when he said "I went to school at Florida State"
This is super confusing to me: Why do I have TWO amazingly attractive girlfriends even though I am the unprettiest RUclipsr EVER? Good night dear wolf
@@AxxLAfriku bruh
Bro, I thought that made him at least, "street GanGsta" right there? Lol😎😶✌
Best time in college was at FSU...
You're a meme now. I took screenshots
And the fact this is now a movie is insane
The fact this whole story is now being brought to the big sceen blows my mind still.
Him being shirtless added to his overall pretty “russian” looks i think.
He didn't do that till he started doing comedy.
I think that's the point
He
D O E S N' T C H E A T
on his
W I F E ! ! !
That's what I'm saying
Idk what it is but it just kinda works for him
If he ever goes back to Russia, I can imagine Putin pulling him aside and saying, "It would be an honor to have a shot with the machine"
he would...
yes haha
i wanna drink shots with Putin once
I could see it 😂
Hell yeah
I love Bert. This movie was every single bit as hysterical as I hoped.
If you plan on going to see this movie, and you're taking anyone who is anywhere from simply "disliking" Bert to even as much as "meh" about Bert, leave them the hell home. They might chuckle, they might laugh, but they won't TRUELY appreciate it.
If you love his comedy, you will love every minute of this movie.
I have watched every special of Bert's. I've watched The Machine bit at least a dozen times. My son (22) and daughter (19) have been watching him with me for years (and I took both of them to see it with me of course). Hell, I made an NPC for our D&D campaign specifically based on "The Machine" as a character who is one of the absolute favorites of any NPC I've ever made.
The flashbacks of the original bit were followed near-perfectly (I'd have to watch it again to see which parts were adjusted to fit in the film plot). The slight alterations to the original plot to fit with the current story were just crazy enough to blend in.
I was prepared for the humor, but I was not prepared for the level of action going on. The fight scenes were like watching Jackie Chan or Samo Hung fight if they were a overweight, middle-aged man with a receding hairline who had no martial art skills but was REALLY well choreographed and/or had a stunt double.
I also wasn't prepared for all the touching moments. Let's be real: no one has a "normal family" and Bert's comedy act points that fact out. So in this movie, it didn't even attempt to try and fluff it up to make it seem normal. Watching it with my now adult son and daughter a couple weeks before Father's Day (intentional???) was just icing on the cake.
I would go see this again easily in a theater. I will buy this when it comes out so I can watch it whenever I want. It was every bit as hysterical as his standup routine which I still need to make some day.
Machine, it was an honor to share popcorn with my kids during your movie.
Oh so you’re the one guy who watched the movie
I hope you weren’t too weirded out being one of the 5 people that saw it. This unfunny garbage lost millions of dollars
Both of you guys should go watch a Brie Larson movie. Seems more like your style.
@@Doughy_in_the_Middle yeah coz if you don’t like fat unfunny losers with a shit laugh and boring stories, you must like Brie Larson movies. There is no in between.
How have I never heard this story??? I love Rogan and all his cronies, and I've never heard "the machine." I feel as though I have brought shame to my family. This is perhaps one of the top five greatest stand-up stories I've ever heard. Bravo.
The movie was somehow more entertaining
Name: The Machine
Strength:4
Perception:5
Endurance:8
Charisma:5
Intelligence:1
Agility:2
Luck:9
I truly appreciate this comment. Thanks for the laugh man
I’m actually going to try this build, what type of weapons should I use
@@trayznthememecollector4412 "this machine" assault rifle
@@trayznthememecollector4412 this is actually a speech check build and my recommended weapon is the 5.56mm pistol/that gun
@@trayznthememecollector4412 whatever weopons your given or told to take
"Do you have any idea what it's like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics?"
*Cries into Mandarin Chinese homework*
*Cries into Wingdings Homework*
(yes, it is an actual class at my school, how it got accepted is beyond me)
David Handley
Oh my word I’m sorry but that’s hilarious... I always throw out Wind Dings as my joke font: the sort of jokes like “You mean you think my professor won’t want my research paper in Wing Dings?”
Lmao...also damn.
I know what it means to fail Chinese homework because I don’t know characters well
Mandarin is hard as fuck
I love this story. I think about this story all the time now! Sure gets my mind clear! The Machine!!!
From comedy act to movie, what a great time to be alive!!!!
"I'm learning the language my way, not with flashcards but by joining the mafia." Submersion the best way lol
Good God, as a linguist and foreign language teacher, the fact that you said submersion instead of immersion while this dude was drowning himself in liquor while learning russian is one of the funniest puns ive heard in years, thank you
Joining the mafia, hooked-on-phonics style 😆
Immersive af
Time to join the polish mafia
Dang you linguists I can't fully immersed myself to the subtlety humour of the joke
Bert is kinda like Groot
“What’s your name?”
“I am the Machine”
“Ok, where are you from?”
“I am the Machine”
They were probably like you know what he’s got beer and he looks fun
"This little frat pimp squeak is the machine?"
"Yeah, that's the machine."
"You're damn right he's the machine, we're getting hammered tonight."
Bert is just sitting there like HELL YEAH IM THE FUCKIN MACHINE!
We are the machine
Russian gangstars, to this day, must be like "His vocabulistics is limited to "I" and "am" and "the" and "Machine", exclusively in that order."
@@Wildmoonchildani94 We Comrade
i am genuinely in love with this and wish i heard about it sooner!! 😭
Seen this live in Glasgow the other day Bert topk the roof of the place.... The Machine.....
Can't wait to see the Movie.
In America, we have Laws
In Russia they have Russia
In Russia we have laws as well, it's just that...laws can be adapted to circumstances, money, power, the convict status... :)
When law isn't trusted it's time to get funky
@@thepoisonkid2483 Communism. Ya 💪
@@thornthornthorne4531 As a matter of fact, not a sigle country in the world history has EVER been communist, according to the Karl Marx theory described in "Capital". socialist at best.
If anyone wants to make fun of me, read the damn thing before.
@@thepoisonkid2483 Not ONCE have I made fun of you or your damn country. Start an argument with someone who gives a fuck.
In America you follow the rules.
In Russia the rules follow you.
lol...it's like the Wild West.
Comrade Pepe Am i the only one that read the Russia line in a Russian accent
Comrade Pepe : Russia is the Chuck Norris of countries.!
Inkoy : No, you are not... (Aso said with accent).. :)
DR Stock
but cold
This is perhaps my favorite personal story from a comedian… just epic… the delivery felt like reminiscing with old friends
I love, Bert! For some reason, this video over, took my telephone, as there was brainlessly scrolling through RUclips! Then, again, for absolutely no reason this video started playing. Thank you universe.
When he said ☆○#👟, I felt that.
Right lmal
# mood
Star O hashoe?? Is that what you meant ?
BaseManPranks if you watched 2 minutes of the video you’d get it
@@user-zb9ow6du6c I watched the whole damn video man I just didn't get what this guy wrote with the Emojis
'Florida man robs self with Russian Mafi'
whats a mafi
...this week on The Onion Radio News.
LMAO I find it amazing you have 1.8k likes and only two replies. ONLY TWO REPLIES from two idiots who didn't get the joke. god damn you deserve an award for this one. best comment of 2019
stormin norman mafia you product of incest
The fact that this is getting a movie now is insane!
I will never understand how ppl find this story so hilarious.
Ya seriously how on earth is this funny...i enjoy a good stand up, but this is absolutly abysmal.
He's shirtless :D
You’re a woman, you don’t have the same sense of humor. Nor a different one.
The machine is an urban legend where I grew up
can you elaborate?
@@Lump37 It would be an honour to get an autograph from
The Machine
@@mikhailzaruykin663 alright, but can you tell more of what exactly this urban legend about him is about?
@@Lump37 They say The Machine can smell premium vodka from a mile away
@@Lump37 They say, after The Machine freestyled against a bear, the bear needed counselling
That's brilliant....loved it! That wud b the most awesome school/college trip EVER when ur still quite young...I'd have absolutely loved that happening at that time, in that scenario!
Thanks to RUclips’s algorithms seeing this for the first time. Will see this movie this week!
“I never learned a word”
*starts speaking Russian less than a minute later*
To be fair, he didn’t learn it in class
@@60secondhistory9 Yeah. He learned it through the Mafia
Which he explained later in the story
well it’s a fake story
@@ihatecops. Okay. We can still enjoy it
This is my first time watching this guy and while he's explaining the story its hard to imagine him with a shirt on
The paradox started:welcome to the timmy-verse
@@legoobi-wan5417 *TIMMY*
*TIMMY*
Now that you mention it, throughout the entirety of the story i pictured him shirtless...because that's all I know of this man...and it just *seems* right...
Deadass
I keep watching this once or twice a year and it still makes me laugh.
The machine movie is so fun to watch, haven’t watched another movie like this for years, I really wish it makes another one
Please make this a movie
Dreeno 🙌
They did. It's called Van Wilder, I think.
Seth Rogan playing as Bert Kreisher
heck yeah!!!😲🔥
Only seth rogen could play this role
Moral of the story: confidence gets you everywhere, especially if you're in the business of making friends and not enemies.
And you can hold your liquor. Don't forget that part. Very important here.
Bancheis yes, people overlook the importance of being able to hold your liquor.
chedda 3000 why is it important
Allan Falaise looks like you’ve overlooked the importance
@@Chedda3000music Well I'm fucked. I got dizzy from white wine.
This story/joke never get stale for me ...funny as hell every frickin time..lmbo😁
Some dude:"IM THE MACHINE"
Russian Gangsters: "HES THE MACHINE!"
Sorry I ruined your 420 likes
@@Ouroboros_609 i didnt even know i reached that many like until now that i am at 591 likes
Guys in next room: tf is happening over there
@@Ouroboros_609 u bastard innit
yes, i remember that.
THEY MADE MOVIES FOR THIS OMFG. NEVER BEEN THIS EXCITED TO GO TO THE THEATRE. 😂😂😂😂😂
i watched this video 5 years ago. and recently i watched the movie. Man this guy is a legend!!
this is THE florida man.
As someone that lives in Florida I can confirm this
No Florida man, this is the florida machine
THEE FLORIDA MAN
No, he is _THE machine_
@@memoshu1551 no he is THEE machine
“i was in college longer than grunge music was around.”
best. analogy. ever.
he cracked himself up over it 🤣
You wrote anal orgy wrong
What's grunge music
I love it so much when people laugh at their own jokes.
Fucking perfect 👌🏾
Damn Bert, that's the best movie I've seen in a very long time! Congratulations brother!
the best way to learn a language is immersing yourself in the culture and environment
no wonder bert instantly picked up so much
I can’t be the only one who wants to hear the other stories he has, like the pool hall scam and the boat theft.
He sold the story to a studio that's making it a movie, we'll get to see a lot more of it
@@reverendglitch any link or name of it so i can see?
@@robertwilsoncastro7155 Not much on it yet, Legendary got the rights to it at the end of 2019, we've got a time to wait but they're having Bert as one of the executive producers so hopefully it'll stick close to his original telling
Yeah I want to hear those stories... because what if they are even better stories
He said on the Joe rogan experience the boat theft was supposed to be a boat trip with the school but Russians didn't want to pay to rent a boat so they stole one
I’m a Russian and my grandpa was in the mob and he told me about the machine , I didn’t believe him until now
Disclaimer : this is not true I’m just trying to make peoples day a bit better
How it would work now
“The Machine was a legend”
“Ok, boomer”
Deadass bro
Im amazed. i got here because of tik tok post of a clip of a comedian searched him saw 4 more videos and finished here its 3:40 am and im here listening to a guy saying a cool as story
@@Pp-lu9tx Best response to "ok boomer" is "go eat a tide pod millennial"
10-4 dinosaur
Can't wait for the movie!
Can’t wait to see the movie
i can see his kids just saying to their bullies "my dad is in the mafia. have ever heard of the MACHINE"
OMG your pfp is so cuteee 🥺🙌
"Aye man we were just joking"
"Understandable have a great day"
Yo thanks for the like
Y'all with your keqing pfps Jean is better
“They’ve alerted the police” panik
“Don’t worry, I talk to police for both of us” kalm
“He cracks a bottle of vodka” PANIK
"He's the machine " Hypes in Russian
Now who dares to do the same thing but the nickname 'the terminator'
I dare
So I understand your the machine.
Underrated comment
“Igor i know what you said”
“Good for you Machine”
LOOOL, the fact that Igor probably didn’t know why he was so excited but just kinda rolled with it 😂
One of the greatest comedic stories ever lived/told and now it's becoming cemented further into history with a movie 👌🏼🔥
Damn imagine believing that. How insane.
@@paulgreengod Damn, imagine if you didn't comment. How insane
@@neltronz bro you actually think this story is one of the greatest? I didn't so much as smile.
@@paulgreengod it's one of many in my book, and if you didn't even enjoy it then that's how you felt about. Doesn't mean I have to feel how you felt about the story.
@@neltronz not but to be so far on the other end of the spectrum seems impossible to me.
Best underrated quote "I learned the language not by flashcards and textbooks, but by joining the mafia"
You know what i can relate to that. I could barely learn Spanish from textbooks in school. I learned by listening too my co workers
Same. I learned more Spanish from my first job in a fast food joint than I did from 3 years in school.
@@tylerwedell3750 its cause to really learn a language u need tobe surounded by people that speak it
His russian sentence made me laugh until I hurt, I speak russian and knew exactly what he said before he repeated it in english lmfao
Why is it * that he couldn't speak a single word of Russian for the first few years he told this story?
My boyfriends dad is in the Russian mafia. He’s heard of the machine😂
Oh shit
His pics with Igor n Igor are online 👍
@@Motorhead2168 were do I find them? HAHAHAHA
@@eduard_0024 look up his name and russian mafia...its funny cause he really had a fanny pack 😂
@@Motorhead2168 i have just checked them out HAHAHAHA
exited for the movie 🎉🎉🎉
The fact they are making this a movie I can't wait
Visits Russia again:
Gets arrested:
Officer: “so I heard...... YOUR THE MACHINE!!!!”
The officer just wants to have a good time 😂
*You're
@@iamalpharius9483 language barrier. Doesn't know the correct uses yet.
You’re
“no. they call me... tater salad”
If this were literally ANYWHERE ELSE I wouldn't believe a single word he said, but this is Russia we're talking about.
0tu 0tu not to mention he is a florida man
OMG, my friend's stories about her semester in Russia are some of the most insane I have ever heard.
yeah, fck that bitch
Oh there are pictures out there. It’s all true, right. Down to the fanny pack he was wearing.
@@Fmanzo10 Holy shit there are pictures
ok, it's 2023. another year passes and still remain the best piece of comedy on the interent.
see you in a year people
Since this video first hit the internet years back, I have always thought it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. I literally just saw the trailer for this movie about 20 minutes ago, and I swear, I am about as excited as one could possibly be to see this movie. Caaaaaaaaaaan't wait .
He basically got adopted by the Russian mafia.
I legit love this story, it is just really funny.
And the russian police, and another russian mafia
“Fuck that bitch, this is Russia”
Yeet
If that happened to me I'd legit move to Russia
So what you're saying is if I want to become fluent in Japanese, I need to join the Yakuza
Sounds about right!
Lol😂
No, to join Yakuza you have to be Japanese. To join a Russian Mafia all you need is a good reputation (you tell the truth, you are humble and most importantly you don't work with police). Nationality, race is not that relevant
@@highend9405 Lol race IS a big deal to the Russian mafia. Russia itself is notorious for racism let alone the mafia.
Science.
Finally made into a movie ! ❤️
Just heard this tonight at your show in Minneapolis, great show, well done!
I once saw Bert with the Pope. Some guy turned to me and asked, "Hey, who is that guy standing next to The Machine?"
WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! Let me get this perfectly straight: You comment something that is completely unrelated to the fact that I have two HAZARDOUSLY HOT girlfriends? Considering that I am the unprettiest RUclipsr worldwide, it is really incredible. Yet you did not mention it at all. I am VERY disappointed, dear jane
@@AxxLAfriku wtf
AxxL, WOAH.
@@AxxLAfriku speak your shit king
@@AxxLAfriku what tf you on about
Imagine: you’re a 27 year old russian mobster, you inherited the business from your father. He told you of the dangers of the world of crime and men who could ruin anyone’s lives. Few of those story’s scared you, but one always stook out
“The machine”
The machine was a deranged, psychopath who cared for no one but himself. Stealing trains, ratting out comrades, even fucking cats just because he thought it was funny. The machine truly was a force to be reckoned with. Altough you couldn’t confirm it for yourself, there were always rumors of him hiding in the USA. You told your kid this story multiple times and he loved it, and also feared it, as much as you did. Years later you need to go to america to take care of a rival gang in a comedy bar. You’re supposed to look for intel while blending into the crowd. The comedians were pretty meh until this “bert” guy came in. He started talking about how he took russian and failed miserably. You actually laughed at him. But then, his story begins to sound like The Machine’s story. you hear him utter The Machine signature line “I AM THE MACHINE”. You cry as you see your childhood hero is just a random fat guy.
This was amazing
Great work
You writer or some shit
Better keep it as a local legend among the comrades...
All heroes are actually just random guys. That did some crazy shit after a moment of exceptional confidence. Go forth and be your own hero.
Sir Bert. I have to say thank you for the laughs. I was about to drink again due to the stress of losing my home. Almost forgot till I started typing. One day I'll be a comidean and I can buy the house back