THANKS FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO! Until recently, I was the scapegoated child. I put an end to it. Bottom line: if you have narcissistic parents who refuse or cannot see what they are doing - you have to go no contact permanently to save your life. Period. Much easier said than done but it's like one day you come to the edge of a cliff and you have to make a choice, because continuing to put yourself into a toxic target zone will just end you completely if you don't pull what's left of you out. If you have siblings more than likely, like me, they have and will participate in the scapegoat bashing because they want that false love Candace speaks of to continue. And Candace is absolutely correct: if the narcissist sees you becoming close with your brother or sister, the narcissist will indeed "talk shit" about you to them about you and vice versa. It's a super toxic, tragic and without exaggeration a very painful situation to deal with because it's your blood. The hard fact is a narcissist will NEVER love you because they are not capable of reciprocating love and validation for a long list of reasons, and the game you get hooked into is always sticking around taking shit hoping you will finally get the love and validation you need and deserve. It's a sick cycle of abuse you find yourself in. If you are a victim of this growing up, more than likely you will attract a narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend, partner or spouse and stick around waiting for them to love you and see you for who you are and validate you and become a codependent hollow shell of a human being. NEWSFLASH: the narcissist cannot love you back, it will NEVER happen. This garbage growing up becomes your blueprint for life for how you expect others to treat you but even more so how you come to treat and see yourself: like crap. IT IS ALL A LIE. The ONLY way to break this dynamic is to separate completely and go into a course of therapy to repair your self-esteem and DEMAND a new set of people around you who love you for who you are. BUT FIRST you must learn to love yourself and realize IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND THAT THE NARCISSIST'S GARBAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND THAT IS THE TRUTH. I've separated, and though painful to find yourself alone, the more you are away from this super nasty toxic trash by virtue of your having REMOVED YOURSELF from that toxic hole, you are allowing healing to begin. You've got to remove yourself from being constantly shelled by the toxic behavior. It's pure poison. You've got to give yourself the time alone your mind, heart, soul and spirit needs to heal it all out - AND IT TAKES TIME YOU CANNOT RUSH THIS - and trust me, if you go no contact and start demanding a totally different life you will find it. You need the time alone because the mind has many built in defenses to protect you from all of this that are all about COPING. And it's truly amazing how the mind does this under such outside attack. But you've COPED long enough. And the coping mechanisms will not serve you well into adulthood they will just stay in place to be reactivated for when you attract the next narcissist. You MUST respect how powerful the mind is and learn to get out of your own way to let the healing process begin. Stop telling yourself this is your "reincarnated karma" or may be you deserve to be treated this way, etc. Those are all LIES you have been conditioned as a child to believe. They are not true. You can absolutely heal and go on to find a new life, a new family, new friends and finally get to know who you really are. BUT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN UNLESS YOU GO NO CONTACT, SEPARATE COMPLETELY AND START DOING ALL YOU CAN TO HEAL. Allow your God given intuition to lead you to the right books, the right therapists, the right friends, it's a TRANSITIONAL HEALING TIME that you MUST go through that will be PAINFUL but TRUST ME you will come out super strong and you will notice a huge difference in how people treat you, what kind of partners you attract, what kind of friends you will make and you will become spot on smart, wise and totally empowered in recognizing toxic, personality disordered individuals you know will be bad for you. You'll be a truly strong person. Finally, believe it or not, the hardest part is allowing yourself to feel good for the first time. It's actually scary to become empowered, healed, healthy, whole because YOU ARE NOT USED TO IT AND YOU WILL BATTLE WITH THE OLD BLUEPRINT THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE. It feels safe to stay enslaved to what you know. For you, feeling TRULY healthy and whole is quite simply UNKNOWN TERRITORY. It's a step into the darkness. The fear of taking this step is what prevents many people from leaving abusive situations of all kinds. First thing you need to do is tell that fear to go fuck itself. But again, you must remember it is a protracted, emotionally difficult healing process that you must go through BECAUSE you've got a child in you that has been screaming for love ever since the very beginning. So allow yourself all the time you need to cry and find a good therapist or someone like Candace to work with to be there to get you through this. You CANNOT do it by yourself. It's too complicated to go it alone. You need the right guidance. You get it by doing this: pray and demand of God for the help you need. God will listen and send Her/His angels and protection and you will receive all that you need. You'll be amazed at all the little things that happen that are actually major miracles. I saw the movie Dunkirk last night. In it, a soldier is rescued from a sinking ship. The young people on the boat don't understand what is wrong with him but the older man knows he is shell shocked and says he is not being himself and may never get to know himself for the rest of his life. This applies to you if this is your experience. You are shell shocked from the constant waves of traumatic garbage dealt by narcissists. It's called PTSD. But you are NOT fucked for life. But you MUST end all contact, stay out of all intimate relationships and allow yourself the time and space to go ALL THE WAY with your healing into the real you or else you will attract the same old garbage and life will become/continue to be a painful version of the movie Groundhog Day. I can tell you for certain that you are worth it, you deserve it, it is your birthright and you are worthy of the same kind of love ALL children should get. Reach down deep and demand the change because you are literally in a fight for your very life. But it's up to you to make the decision to love yourself enough to demand a complete reversal of this blueprint to change the dynamics of all of your external relationships but it begins with yourself, within. I know I've written a lot here, thanks for reading, and thanks Candace for this video - I just have a lot of empathy for anyone in this predicament. I'm in the latter stages - I think - of this being alone for the healing process to form a new blueprint. It AIN'T easy but it's far beyond worth it. Do you want to be a fucking doormat your whole life? Fuck no, of course not! LIFE IS EXTREMELY SHORT. God bless you and I wish you the best of luck in healing if you are reading this and you feel lost with all of this. Remember you are not alone. And you do have God there to help you. Hey, you can and totally will fucking win. And for those narcissists who continue harming people: Here's something to remember about garbage: at some point it always gets taken out.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom! The problem I have with the video is “narcissist parent”. Not all parents are equal, but I know like many they care for their children. In the video I agree to most of the qualities. I was the golden child turned scapegoat when I figured a whole lot of shit in middle school. Last year, life really hit me hard especially finding out families turning against each other. The thing is parents care for you. They want the best for you. How is it considered narcissistic? I know my extended/intermediate families have some deep rooted toxic beliefs they aren’t aware of. I do have those qualities and learning to let go of them. It’s just the term narcissistic and not really conveying the “narcissist” mindset.
Marian Isse some parents are Narcissistic Personality Disordered (they do not exhibit REAL LOVE) and others just have narcissistic symptoms (these people are wounded and I believe do really Love their children and are able to grow and change). It’s a tough reality to grasp, I get it.
I was the scapegoat, my sister the goldenchild. Advanced stage is the goldenchild begins new levels of scapegoating with the very real danger of becoming a narc themselves. Being an empath from such a family dynamic was an incredible nightmare for me. Seeing these dynamics operating on the global scale is disheartening.
OMG Mark ,oh how,oh how I can relate...geez ,as an empath and an old soul,on the path of awakening,healing and evovloment from childhood,I am not 62. ,Candice really nailed this video subject too! nailed it nailed it nailed it!! I was the middle child,and for shure the scapegoat child, an Alpha Male,as well,MY Father is the wounded Nassasistic Alpha Male who NEVER went for healing. I've pursued the healing journey and path of almost 50 yrs now,I started early around 12,I am not 62.... the family still doesnt get me ,even as I am care giving now towards the bastard ,thats My Father,Like Candice said in another similar video: I Love MY Family but I dont love who they are. /have become/never chose to become-I DID though!! Powerful sharing there Mark,understatement!! Here are some additions to Candice's works which though I brand new to your reality and channel ,I already Love!! Lighthealing.com the clearings and the rejuveizer's are profound!! may look like fru fru bullshit,trust me ,they are far far deeper than a website can relay, #2) subliminal-talk.com The Brand New highly upgraded version of Emotional Healing Aid and Pain Relief. its a muther of a program,very comprehensive and powerfully effective #3) Intrasound.org for very uplifting energies for SPIRIT/mind ,HEART,body. essiac tea,amazing healing for body and mind, remedies.net ,amazon,ect. Im soo looking forward to more of Candice's work! She is thee real deal!! YOU Rock Candice!!
When I started setting boundaries (I was learning so it was like a child learning to say no for the first time), I received A LOT of backlash from my family and "Why are you doing this to our family" but once I stepped back in, somehow everything was better but I didn't matter anymore. It was like when I was breaking down the pollution of the family, no one liked seeing how toxic the family was or their own shit so they blamed me. "you're so selfish" blah blah blah
This is *exactly* what I grew up with. As a scapegoat, it was very difficult. Especially because most people in my family as well as family friends have treated me like I am crazy to think my mom is abusive because they all buy her sweet little act. I grew up feeling invalidated by most of my family and that my intuition is wrong as a result. It was a relief to learn about covert narcissism because *finally* things made sense. You explain things very well here. Thank you.
I'm 57 years old and you described my family dynamic to the letter. After seeing your video the I found that I was both the golden child as well as the scapegoat and so was my brother (there was just the two of us....he was 19 months older). My dad was the overt behind closed doors and my mom is covert with borderline. My brother was my dads scapegoat and I the golden child and vice Versa for mom. I lived in constant terror and my brother was my savior.....but sadly died in s motorcycle accident at 16 leaving me to fend for myself. I ran away from home and married what I ran away from (go figure). I have spent nearly 3 decades in therapy and two hospitalizations to break free from the effects of this dynamic. It led me to my awakening, but has been a rocky road. Dad died 6 years ago and I ended up having to put my narc mom in a nursing home 1.5 years ago as it was costing me my health and all my money. I finally realized I could not heal properly unless I broke ties with my mom and start loving myself. Not sure if it is true to be both the golden child and scapegoat, but that is how it seems. What do you think?
Sean Fitzgerald same here, I think there are lots of us, various ages and situations; it’s been horrible; my Mom is a covert narc and I didn’t figure out until my 40s coz it was my normal; broke my heart, lots of grieving and anger but feeling better every day and working on myself 💪🏼😊 good luck to you in your healing journey
Me, too. I had a rude awakening to it all for the final time at age 52 during a family crisis. I always knew I was the family scapegoat but I just kind of lived in this cloud of shame and loneliness. Now I am breaking out of it finally. Learning more about these dynamics reminds of the reality of what I was and what I no longer choose to be for these people.
I was adopted into a narcissistic family at age seven. To keep things simple I went through complete hell. Immediately upon being adopted, the family was trained how to treat me (as the scapegoat). I was quickly placed in special education, beaten, bullied, placed on medication as well as made fun of by everyone in the group. However, to the outside world, we looked like one big happy family. I was taught early on to keep their secrets and to lie to the outer world. At the age of eighteen, I escaped. What I did not know was I would be drawn to toxic people in my adult life and the abuse would continue. My advice to anyone who is reading this is to accept what happened to you as a reality. It is not your fault. As children, we detached from these horrific memories for survival, but as adults, we have the ability to take our power back and heal. Thank you for explaining this family dynamic =)
I was the golden child but turned more into the scapegoat as not being able to be myself made me depressed and traumatized. When I fled the home to go to uni and live on my own I finally was able to see this, although I kept surpressing it through my eating disorder, but being away from them was the first step to find out that I wasn't who they want me to be. Now I live with my parents again and it is hard to go forward with my healing process. I am financially dependent due to my psychological issues, but I can only resolve them by creating distance. It feels like a trap. I don't see my parents as narcisistic but the dynamic is certainly very similar. I think many families indeed have this dynamic, because most people get children to fill up their own emotional needs and thus force their children to be like they want them to be. This is always traumatizing to small and large degrees, depending on how much parents force this upon them. This video was very insightful in that sense. Thank you!
@@mandolaa I'm doing a lot better thank you. I am not financially dependent on my parents anymore, which is a great relief. I still need to be selective in what I tell them or not, they can be dream crushers, but I am learning anf also learning to forgive. Hope you are doing well!!
@@thegardenofeve happy for u🙏 I'm now where u were 2 years ago. I went though an awakening process and now I'm trying to be independent financially, but I'm still trying cause I'm really tired psychologically. I really feel u when u said that u eliminate what u say cause they ruin it. Thank u, hope you find even more peace through forgiveness ✨
@@mandolaa I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. At the same time it is wonderful that you are now in your awakening. You will get stronger in time, I have faith that you will be able to take care of yourself. I've been listening a lot to the lectures of Neville Goddard. This has been very helpful in my process. I'm learning to control my imagination and it results in feeling better emotionally. It also helps to create financial abundance. I am still learning, but his insights have been a blessing and I highly recommend. In time you will meet the right people who will help you build a better life.
@@thegardenofeve thank you so much for your advices!! Yes, youtube channels and podcasts have helped me too a lot, especially Teal Swan's. I'm trying to maintain my truth and build my life accord to it. I can relate to this imagination thing that u said. I use this all my life and now visualisation and meditation as well came back again as necessary tools for me
Gosh I feel as if you said all this for me. It describes my childhood with uncanny accuracy. I have been doing a lot of healing recently but didn't realize that this was a common dynamic. Thank you
Candace van Dell I used to feel sorry for myself but then realized there was a stronger purpose - to all concerned. Your video was very informative and will be of great help
Boom! Hit the nail on the head. Golden child here. I knew something wasn’t right but could never put my finger on it. My siblings always accused me of being the favorite- I didn’t buy into it but maybe it was true. I tried to always keep myself so busy that I didn’t have to deal with my emotions. I just remember feeling like I’m trapped in someone’s else body- uncomfortable in my own skin. Striving for perfection. Nothing was ever good enough. Could not answer basic questions that I asked myself like what activities do you enjoy? What makes you happy? I used to say that’s weird- and just move on. My closet sibling was the scapegoat and rebellious. He’s opened up to me a few times but I was not aware of this dynamic. We both felt this lack of love, not feeling good enough, seeking parents approval, but he seemed to put me down when I did something great and also kick me when I was down. For some weird reason I would go back thinking things are different now- and it would just happen again. Well, at least I know now- time to fix this and move forward. Question I struggle with is- how do you love yourself? The search is on. “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for” ha!
I was the golden child and I was the one that woke up. And the scapegoat turned out to be the narcissistic. This dynamic also happens, it depends on the individuals and families.
OMG Candace!! That video was SPOT on to my family experience! I was the scapegoat child and you described my experience to a “T”!! You are so brilliant and I am so incredibly grateful that I was led to your videos. This one in particular should win an award!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 👏😘🙏
I have never, EVER heard someone describe my life so clearly and succinctly, and this is coming from someone who has done an absolute sh*ttonne of work on herself. It's like the light of God just shined on me and gave total clarity. I almost can't listen to it because of the truth of it.
Holy shit! I'm a therapist and have never heard someone touch the tough spots in my heart as much as you have here so I feel heard and can heal. Thank you!
All I can say is Thank you how I have felt all my life and was told I'm weird, no matter what I do is not good enough triangulation is huge in my family it's so hard to admit it makes you feel bad and alone the other parent is just sidelines but everyone speaks behind your back such a lonely feeling!
Thank you all for sharing xxx I have an initial primal wound of being adopted. Drank alcohilcally for 40 years approaching 5 years in recovery. Fog started to lift revealing with excrutiating pain that my adopted 'mother' is a narc!! The more awakened I've become the worse she became ... at moment am no contact and although grieving someone who is still alive she'll be back!! Golden child brother is successful and lives in Switzerland although went to boarding school at 11 visitis once a year. She left my Christmas gift last year under her duvet for me made me search for it and when I found it was next to an envelope with The Will written on it. I turned 50 few weeks back and for my birthday she said "they should never have put you up for adoption considering all you have wrong with you and wish I could send you back". I cried on the floor like a baby begging her to love me!! Enough!! I have not drunk on the worse pain I have ever felt. My cptsd and the pain from being smear campaingned and now rejected by my 'family' for not taking my children to see her is crippling - I will now get the slap from the grave and be punished foreseeing the light and be written out of my inheritance - which truly was my father's fortune x To thine self be true. A narcistic mother is a narcistic grandmother and my childrens' safety is worth every penny. God bless you all my fellow warriors x
I was the scapegoated child, and I've been stuck in a codependent relationship with a narcissist just like my dad, for almost my whole adult life. I only just now figured it out, but every single thing you say about the scapegoated child applies to me, especially the constant perfectionist striving. If only I could measure up, I would finally find acceptance.
You say the message the scapegoat recieved was that they were never good enough. As a golden child, I recieved this message also. I can't speak for my sister, because I'm not her- but I strongly suspect that both of us have the same core belief (not being good enough). For me, it's like you said: I had to abandon myself and be whatever my father wanted me to be. Kind, quiet, caring, quick thinker etc... (But ofc never ever talk back), and he wanted me to achieve a lot of things, like most narcissists parents do. Things I wasn't ready for, like competing in sports. So when this happend (i.e when I would express uncertainty/saying no) I would loose connection with my father. But even IF I went along with it, he would raise the bar. Always demanding more. Nothing was ever enough. For this reason, I do believe my sister and I have this belief in common, although the way we handle it is very different.
Yes Candace! Perfect timing for this video! I'm glad you're shining the light on this topic. It's the truth for me. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, although it's sad that so many of us have suffered, or are suffering. Can't wait for more! Blessings. 💕
Candace van Dell Isn’t the society primarily narcissistic..always enabling the abusers..ganging up on the lone scapegoat..scapegoat by the family..then scapegoated by society :(
I am the only child and I was both of those. And it makes sence. When you said “false love”, it hurt a lot. Burned. Like you punched me in a stomack. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. I was the only child of a narc father and codependent mother. I couldn’t really define the family dynamic until my awakening last summer. I have been suffering from PTS(D) for over 40+ yrs and never realized it. I have been studying up on this issue and working on healing. I am currently involved in a similar dynamic with my husband and extended family members who display a lot of covert narc behavior. They make my stomach just drop every time I encounter them. I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle this unfortunate situation. I look forward to more videos on this topic.🙏🏻❤️
I discovered Candace van Dell a few days ago and I'm sooo happy about it! It feels as if my healing started with discovering her and I'm just amazed by her videos and her sight of life. Fells like she speaks fresh from my very own soul. I didn't even realise I was living in a Narcissistic family dynamic, like I mean I knew it was unhealthy and made me sick, but what you described was exactly the way I grew up just that I at the beginning was the golden child and when I grew older I was becoming more and more of the scapegoat. Thanks for your video!!! You are indeed a healer, feeler and a huge benefit to me and the world.
this is my best friend of 17 years . And i had to step back from her because of this only reason. and Have to admit they are the most hard one to spot.
A codependent person is also a narcissist because he or she is looking out for his or her interest in being codependent and people pleasing for the more powerful figures in her environment. Truth never enters the equation on either side. We should uphold truth alone as the #1 importance in our lives and behavior. Regardless of the personal consequences. This will create a much healthier society.
Wow. I've been dealing with a lot of this stuff. Going between thinking I'm codependent or narcissistic. You solidified what I thought. I was scapegoated. I had the chance multiple times to be the golden child. And i would unconsciously allow myself to give to them, but sooner or later I would blow up and use aggression and my loud voice to get what I wanted. My needs to be met. For me to be seen. Etc. I now need to love myself. I've realized this. Thank you very much. I feel I can go between codependency and narcissism. It depends how deeply threatened I feel. Thats the sad part. I shouldnt feel threatened just living life. Being around others.
Spot on as usual, my grandmother had nine children and there's over 40 grandchildren. Sunday dinners every Sunday, lot of love and a lot of you ego. But that will change and I appreciate everything you do. Love you synchronicity is here!
Wow. This really hit home. This subject could go on and on because it is so rampant. There seems to me also, that the strictness and authoritative Catholic church in particular, went together with controlling, strict parenting back in the day. It's an amazingly rich and sad topic but thank-you for making the video. I'll try to find some more.
Hi Candice. My eldest brother is the golden one. My mom wanted a girl when I plopped out to the pan. I have one thing to say. What gives people the right to kick children around or have unrealistic expectations. I was born to the wrong parents. My mom was a beautiful woman. But so vicious she snarled. I stood up to her and stopped her from beating me and moved. I worked for over 36 years. I got hurt in and forced retirement. I had to move back in with the folks and I couldn't believe the family didn't change. I was already 17 years sober. So I clearly saw the family dynamic. So it was hard. I had to put boundaries up which was hard on all of us. In sure after my mom had me she developed post depression. Now tables turned but my soul purpose is to protect then. If I never came or was born maybe they would of been a real happy family. Bob
Girl you are helping me so much. I’ve watched so many different people and wow it’s taken me over a year and a half to find you. You crush this subject and resonate so deeply with me!!!! Currently I am going through the controlled separation period with my family and I have been looking for videos on it because it’s so confusing esp if your parents were covert and everyone around us thinks they’re fantastic but we know the truth... the flying monkeys are real - and the guilt trips are real and the feeling shamed for needing space to heal is so so real. I would love a video on that. I know it’s a lot to ask but I think controlled separation is sooooo important to heal from a narcissistic family situation as an indigo child. I stopped talking to them about 8 months ago and I ... cut off a lot of friendships I didn’t realize were toxic, excelled in building my business further than I could have imagined, I’m single and totally happy and not dating for the first time in my life. The power of controlled separation is real and I just can’t find videos on it. Did you go through that period? Would appreciate the share because I think you’re so wise and on it with all of your topics!! Xoxo thanks for shining so bright!
It is beautiful when one realizes they were not crazy nor incorrect, thank you for talking to me when I felt I had nobody but myself. Your souls mission is being fulfilled and you are amazing, Namaste sister.
I love this video!! This is one of the very few who talk about this whole family structure. My mother was a covert narrastist, my father the codependant alcoholics where i was the scapegoat, my sister and my brother a narrastist. I had to walk away from the whole mess, married someone who is codenpendant and made me see my own narrastic traits that i show towards him. I am healimg and it has been hard but videos like these help me nkt feel so alone in this journey.
Probably one of your best videos Candace!! And SO interesting to get to know more about narcissism as I think we're surrounded by a lot of selfish and narcissistic people who are toxic to our health and life overall. And it is so important to get the tools to recognize these people before they can step into your life that you are trying to create (without these kinds of people, to finally establish a family were your kids don't need to heal like crazy because of their old wounds). Love u.
Thank you for making this video, I see narc videos for partners but for me it was being the scapegoat in a family of narcs. Really weird dynamic where those who joined the family took on roles and became abusers themselves. My mom attacked me and finally I decided me loving her was not enough for the damage she brought. 🙏 peace to everyone who may be experiencing this
Thank you for showing people the light. My younger sister is a lightworker but since we grew up with a narcissistic and sideline parents, she hasn't been able to wake up. Her husband die over 18 years ago and she still keeps communicating with his spirit and it has become so envious of her life that it has kept her in fog and I have my own demons that I need to battle for I am a co dependent parent of a malignant covert narcissist wife. I don't want to project my own shame and pain to her, so I keep isolated and going through PTSD and C-PTSD but she needs to wake up and I wish there was something I could do so she can find who she really is and not be afraid or in doubt. Just wanted to mention this to you so maybe you could do a video on this type of issues. Thank you , Sincerely Raul Navarro
I agree with you and appreciate you. Attracting other narcissist is overrated though because most people are that way these days so how to even find others who are emotionally healthy
Thank you so much for your insight! You have helped me a ton! It's so great to hear this stuff spoken! Thank you for helping me find my true inner self. I'm working on it!
👏🏻 👏🏻 best explanation of the golden child I've heard in a whileee ; as most people don't cover things from they're perspective (how they, too, are differentially affected ((in my case, my sister )) ... needless to say I was and still am the scapegoat bleh idgaf over it 👋🏻🙃 .. but yaa very, very well articulated my love ♥️ Namaste 🙏🏻🕉❣️💫
Being thrown to the wolves by this dynamic is a brutal experience, especially when the family you have now created, yourself, also falls apart on top of it all, after 25 years, and you then find yourself alone and are attempting to make sense of it. This woman has identified some of the issues but I'm not hearing any solutions. I do agree with her that it's not really full blown NPD but aspects of narcissism are definitely present throughout. It's called dysfunctional. The only solution I have come up with is to go full 'no contact' and accept it, for there is no repair possible after such betrayal. It's been two 30 year rollercoaster rides I would not have chosen to get on, or stayed on, had I known. Find peace in loving yourself and don't give up the search for those that are deserving of the same. Good luck figuring it all out.
I always chose narcissistic men. I notice that as I reject them from a better sense of self-esteem, I am attracting some nicer people. I had an experience where I was getting closer to my father for the first time in my life (over a medical issue) and his wife found a way to drive a wedge there. I realized that it's just not meant to be because my father has always been narcissistic , along with his wife and one of his sons. But this drama reflected the pattern I have been in with men - unable to get any closer. And now I feel further away from my father than I ever have in my life. I realized I've been dealing with and needing to free myself from the wrong energy and the wrong people...and an old and dysfunctional self-concept.
Thank God I'm the scapegoat. I feel sorry for my sister. My narc mom has kept us divided our entire lives. I've completed therapy and continue to educate myself about cluster b personality disorders. If my sister ever needed anything if be there but for me to say that to my sister she'd try and hurt my feelings with a nasty response. It's very sad and it trickles down the family. I see it
I thought you were saying "the wise guy" inside like a New Yorker would say lol which I thought was fun and cute and then I realized it was " wise guide". I think I'll just start calling my guide the wise guy from now on though.☺ 💜❤
I am trying to determine if I am narcissistic or came from that type of family. I find you videos very helpful, which is why I watch them. That being said, your look is very beautiful and I love the hat. Seriously, I have been trying to reconcile my life, and your videos have been one of the few that have helped me. That is what has been important to me. However, your look and style has also been important, although I do not know why exactly. Let me just say that, the way you look has also had a positive affect on me. Thank you and I will always pray for you.
I was the scapegoat, and everything you said, I thought. I carried and still carry a lot of guilt because I DID think it was my fault because I NEVER could measure up to their ideal standards. And I wasn’t a kiss up like my sister. I wanted people to like and accept me for me, not because I was saying things they liked to hear. But....it never mattered.
My youngest brother has definite signs of narcissism, he use to get off reminding me of all the 'beatings' I experienced as a child. When I started to wake up he changed his tune and said we were all treated the same and that he remembered getting the belt but suggested that I be more like him because he got over it. My middle brother has quit talking with me, I suspect he was basically ordered to as he is the stereo typical 'starving artist' and has been supported off and on by our parents since leaving home. I knew I was in a bad scene as a child and at 19 I left never to move back. I predictably went on to marry a narc, actually the same narc, twice. We had kids the second time, neither of which is currently talking with me as I made the mistake of calling their mother out about 6 months ago and she circled the wagons so to speak. I continue to seek counselling, read books on the topic, belong to FB recovery groups, etc. I was just at a shrink and was diagnosed with PTSD as well as borderline personality disorder. I'd bet the farm that I do not have BPD but rather I likely have CPTSD as well as PTSD. I'm wondering if any of the readers have had success in dealing with this issue (trauma recovery) and if so what treatments would you recommend?
Ehi Thanks Candace!!! You definitely made the point here, I've been going through this realization my self lately bu,t having listen to it so well defined and verbalised, although painful, has been really meaningful to me. blessings.^ì^
You just pinpointed my in-laws my wife is the escape goat her brother is The Golden Child and her mother is a narcissist thank you you have eliminated my doubt
The paradox thing is that I was the golden child and always wanted to please them to survive but this was never acknowledged I still was called “selfish” or “narcissistic” (at the age of 13)
“Holy shit!!” You took the words from my mouth! I already knew I was the golden child, but the way you put in to words it’s great! What is the best away to heal from codependency?
Listen. This is so fucking spot on. She just explained my damn family. I never had a relationship with my sister. She's the golden child. My mother put a wedge in between our father and each other. Indeed, this is some sick shit. I've gone no contact with my mother for years. I have battled with the shame of that and I've been trying to heal. I've come far but damn looks like I may need to get some coaching from Candace. I really want to just leave this shit behind and find purpose in my pain. What a fucking life.
This is a great video. My life experience. In my case, I noticed that the golden child and scape goat flip back and forth between the siblings depending on the behavior. I’ve seen myself in both golden and scape goat. Leaving both titles. Just me 💛
There was too much injustice to be ignored. I don't know if I'm a narc or not. I think it's pitiful I sealed approval from mothers. Type o. I seeked approval. Bob
I removed myself from a narc family and that's the most difficult decision I made, problem id I am close to my younger sister who is nice to everyone also close to them.. so I am getting pull back sometimes
THANKS FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO! Until recently, I was the scapegoated child. I put an end to it. Bottom line: if you have narcissistic parents who refuse or cannot see what they are doing - you have to go no contact permanently to save your life. Period. Much easier said than done but it's like one day you come to the edge of a cliff and you have to make a choice, because continuing to put yourself into a toxic target zone will just end you completely if you don't pull what's left of you out.
If you have siblings more than likely, like me, they have and will participate in the scapegoat bashing because they want that false love Candace speaks of to continue. And Candace is absolutely correct: if the narcissist sees you becoming close with your brother or sister, the narcissist will indeed "talk shit" about you to them about you and vice versa. It's a super toxic, tragic and without exaggeration a very painful situation to deal with because it's your blood. The hard fact is a narcissist will NEVER love you because they are not capable of reciprocating love and validation for a long list of reasons, and the game you get hooked into is always sticking around taking shit hoping you will finally get the love and validation you need and deserve. It's a sick cycle of abuse you find yourself in.
If you are a victim of this growing up, more than likely you will attract a narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend, partner or spouse and stick around waiting for them to love you and see you for who you are and validate you and become a codependent hollow shell of a human being. NEWSFLASH: the narcissist cannot love you back, it will NEVER happen. This garbage growing up becomes your blueprint for life for how you expect others to treat you but even more so how you come to treat and see yourself: like crap. IT IS ALL A LIE. The ONLY way to break this dynamic is to separate completely and go into a course of therapy to repair your self-esteem and DEMAND a new set of people around you who love you for who you are.
BUT FIRST you must learn to love yourself and realize IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND THAT THE NARCISSIST'S GARBAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AND THAT IS THE TRUTH. I've separated, and though painful to find yourself alone, the more you are away from this super nasty toxic trash by virtue of your having REMOVED YOURSELF from that toxic hole, you are allowing healing to begin. You've got to remove yourself from being constantly shelled by the toxic behavior. It's pure poison. You've got to give yourself the time alone your mind, heart, soul and spirit needs to heal it all out - AND IT TAKES TIME YOU CANNOT RUSH THIS - and trust me, if you go no contact and start demanding a totally different life you will find it. You need the time alone because the mind has many built in defenses to protect you from all of this that are all about COPING. And it's truly amazing how the mind does this under such outside attack. But you've COPED long enough. And the coping mechanisms will not serve you well into adulthood they will just stay in place to be reactivated for when you attract the next narcissist. You MUST respect how powerful the mind is and learn to get out of your own way to let the healing process begin.
Stop telling yourself this is your "reincarnated karma" or may be you deserve to be treated this way, etc. Those are all LIES you have been conditioned as a child to believe. They are not true. You can absolutely heal and go on to find a new life, a new family, new friends and finally get to know who you really are. BUT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN UNLESS YOU GO NO CONTACT, SEPARATE COMPLETELY AND START DOING ALL YOU CAN TO HEAL. Allow your God given intuition to lead you to the right books, the right therapists, the right friends, it's a TRANSITIONAL HEALING TIME that you MUST go through that will be PAINFUL but TRUST ME you will come out super strong and you will notice a huge difference in how people treat you, what kind of partners you attract, what kind of friends you will make and you will become spot on smart, wise and totally empowered in recognizing toxic, personality disordered individuals you know will be bad for you. You'll be a truly strong person.
Finally, believe it or not, the hardest part is allowing yourself to feel good for the first time. It's actually scary to become empowered, healed, healthy, whole because YOU ARE NOT USED TO IT AND YOU WILL BATTLE WITH THE OLD BLUEPRINT THAT TELLS YOU OTHERWISE. It feels safe to stay enslaved to what you know. For you, feeling TRULY healthy and whole is quite simply UNKNOWN TERRITORY. It's a step into the darkness. The fear of taking this step is what prevents many people from leaving abusive situations of all kinds. First thing you need to do is tell that fear to go fuck itself. But again, you must remember it is a protracted, emotionally difficult healing process that you must go through BECAUSE you've got a child in you that has been screaming for love ever since the very beginning. So allow yourself all the time you need to cry and find a good therapist or someone like Candace to work with to be there to get you through this. You CANNOT do it by yourself. It's too complicated to go it alone. You need the right guidance. You get it by doing this: pray and demand of God for the help you need. God will listen and send Her/His angels and protection and you will receive all that you need. You'll be amazed at all the little things that happen that are actually major miracles.
I saw the movie Dunkirk last night. In it, a soldier is rescued from a sinking ship. The young people on the boat don't understand what is wrong with him but the older man knows he is shell shocked and says he is not being himself and may never get to know himself for the rest of his life. This applies to you if this is your experience. You are shell shocked from the constant waves of traumatic garbage dealt by narcissists. It's called PTSD. But you are NOT fucked for life. But you MUST end all contact, stay out of all intimate relationships and allow yourself the time and space to go ALL THE WAY with your healing into the real you or else you will attract the same old garbage and life will become/continue to be a painful version of the movie Groundhog Day.
I can tell you for certain that you are worth it, you deserve it, it is your birthright and you are worthy of the same kind of love ALL children should get. Reach down deep and demand the change because you are literally in a fight for your very life. But it's up to you to make the decision to love yourself enough to demand a complete reversal of this blueprint to change the dynamics of all of your external relationships but it begins with yourself, within. I know I've written a lot here, thanks for reading, and thanks Candace for this video - I just have a lot of empathy for anyone in this predicament. I'm in the latter stages - I think - of this being alone for the healing process to form a new blueprint. It AIN'T easy but it's far beyond worth it. Do you want to be a fucking doormat your whole life? Fuck no, of course not! LIFE IS EXTREMELY SHORT. God bless you and I wish you the best of luck in healing if you are reading this and you feel lost with all of this. Remember you are not alone. And you do have God there to help you. Hey, you can and totally will fucking win. And for those narcissists who continue harming people: Here's something to remember about garbage: at some point it always gets taken out.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom! The problem I have with the video is “narcissist parent”. Not all parents are equal, but I know like many they care for their children. In the video I agree to most of the qualities. I was the golden child turned scapegoat when I figured a whole lot of shit in middle school. Last year, life really hit me hard especially finding out families turning against each other. The thing is parents care for you. They want the best for you. How is it considered narcissistic? I know my extended/intermediate families have some deep rooted toxic beliefs they aren’t aware of. I do have those qualities and learning to let go of them. It’s just the term narcissistic and not really conveying the “narcissist” mindset.
Paul Wyld Fucking BRILLIANT 👏🏻✨✨✨
Marian Isse some parents are Narcissistic Personality Disordered (they do not exhibit REAL LOVE) and others just have narcissistic symptoms (these people are wounded and I believe do really Love their children and are able to grow and change). It’s a tough reality to grasp, I get it.
@Paul Wyld Quite amazing what you wrote. Just awe inspiring 💛
@Paul Wyld Quite amazing what you wrote. Just awe inspiring 💛
I was the scapegoat, my sister the goldenchild. Advanced stage is the goldenchild begins new levels of scapegoating with the very real danger of becoming a narc themselves. Being an empath from such a family dynamic was an incredible nightmare for me. Seeing these dynamics operating on the global scale is disheartening.
Mark Conlon agree whole heartedly
I relate and the damage has been heartbreaking.
How did you escape?
@@notavailable708 A lot of education around about the topic and tons of therapy.
OMG Mark ,oh how,oh how I can relate...geez ,as an empath and an old soul,on the path of awakening,healing and evovloment from childhood,I am not 62. ,Candice really nailed this video subject too! nailed it nailed it nailed it!! I was the middle child,and for shure the scapegoat child, an Alpha Male,as well,MY Father is the wounded Nassasistic Alpha Male who NEVER went for healing. I've pursued the healing journey and path of almost 50 yrs now,I started early around 12,I am not 62.... the family still doesnt get me ,even as I am care giving now towards the bastard ,thats My Father,Like Candice said in another similar video: I Love MY Family but I dont love who they are. /have become/never chose to become-I DID though!! Powerful sharing there Mark,understatement!! Here are some additions to Candice's works which though I brand new to your reality and channel ,I already Love!! Lighthealing.com the clearings and the rejuveizer's are profound!! may look like fru fru bullshit,trust me ,they are far far deeper than a website can relay, #2) subliminal-talk.com The Brand New highly upgraded version of Emotional Healing Aid and Pain Relief. its a muther of a program,very comprehensive and powerfully effective #3) Intrasound.org for very uplifting energies for SPIRIT/mind ,HEART,body. essiac tea,amazing healing for body and mind, remedies.net ,amazon,ect. Im soo looking forward to more of Candice's work! She is thee real deal!! YOU Rock Candice!!
When I started setting boundaries (I was learning so it was like a child learning to say no for the first time), I received A LOT of backlash from my family and "Why are you doing this to our family" but once I stepped back in, somehow everything was better but I didn't matter anymore. It was like when I was breaking down the pollution of the family, no one liked seeing how toxic the family was or their own shit so they blamed me. "you're so selfish" blah blah blah
This is *exactly* what I grew up with. As a scapegoat, it was very difficult. Especially because most people in my family as well as family friends have treated me like I am crazy to think my mom is abusive because they all buy her sweet little act. I grew up feeling invalidated by most of my family and that my intuition is wrong as a result. It was a relief to learn about covert narcissism because *finally* things made sense. You explain things very well here. Thank you.
I'm 57 years old and you described my family dynamic to the letter.
After seeing your video the I found that I was both the golden child as well as the scapegoat and so was my brother (there was just the two of us....he was 19 months older).
My dad was the overt behind closed doors and my mom is covert with borderline.
My brother was my dads scapegoat and I the golden child and vice Versa for mom.
I lived in constant terror and my brother was my savior.....but sadly died in s motorcycle accident at 16 leaving me to fend for myself.
I ran away from home and married what I ran away from (go figure).
I have spent nearly 3 decades in therapy and two hospitalizations to break free from the effects of this dynamic.
It led me to my awakening, but has been a rocky road.
Dad died 6 years ago and I ended up having to put my narc mom in a nursing home 1.5 years ago as it was costing me my health and all my money.
I finally realized I could not heal properly unless I broke ties with my mom and start loving myself.
Not sure if it is true to be both the golden child and scapegoat, but that is how it seems. What do you think?
Just wow. I wish my siblings could view this even though they are invested in perpetuating the family dynamic. This is 100% on point for my situation.
They would not see it the way you do. You recognise yourself in this video, because it's your pain, they might not see it the same way.
100% spot on! My whole world changed when I began to understand these things. Thank you, Candace.
Sean Fitzgerald Absolutely!!!
Sean Fitzgerald same here, I think there are lots of us, various ages and situations; it’s been horrible; my Mom is a covert narc and I didn’t figure out until my 40s coz it was my normal; broke my heart, lots of grieving and anger but feeling better every day and working on myself 💪🏼😊
good luck to you in your healing journey
Me, too. I had a rude awakening to it all for the final time at age 52 during a family crisis. I always knew I was the family scapegoat but I just kind of lived in this cloud of shame and loneliness. Now I am breaking out of it finally. Learning more about these dynamics reminds of the reality of what I was and what I no longer choose to be for these people.
I was adopted into a narcissistic family at age seven. To keep things simple I went through complete hell. Immediately upon being adopted, the family was trained how to treat me (as the scapegoat). I was quickly placed in special education, beaten, bullied, placed on medication as well as made fun of by everyone in the group. However, to the outside world, we looked like one big happy family. I was taught early on to keep their secrets and to lie to the outer world. At the age of eighteen, I escaped. What I did not know was I would be drawn to toxic people in my adult life and the abuse would continue. My advice to anyone who is reading this is to accept what happened to you as a reality. It is not your fault. As children, we detached from these horrific memories for survival, but as adults, we have the ability to take our power back and heal. Thank you for explaining this family dynamic =)
I was the golden child but turned more into the scapegoat as not being able to be myself made me depressed and traumatized. When I fled the home to go to uni and live on my own I finally was able to see this, although I kept surpressing it through my eating disorder, but being away from them was the first step to find out that I wasn't who they want me to be. Now I live with my parents again and it is hard to go forward with my healing process. I am financially dependent due to my psychological issues, but I can only resolve them by creating distance. It feels like a trap. I don't see my parents as narcisistic but the dynamic is certainly very similar. I think many families indeed have this dynamic, because most people get children to fill up their own emotional needs and thus force their children to be like they want them to be. This is always traumatizing to small and large degrees, depending on how much parents force this upon them. This video was very insightful in that sense. Thank you!
How are u dealing now with this? It's been to years since you wrote the comment 😃
@@mandolaa I'm doing a lot better thank you. I am not financially dependent on my parents anymore, which is a great relief. I still need to be selective in what I tell them or not, they can be dream crushers, but I am learning anf also learning to forgive. Hope you are doing well!!
@@thegardenofeve happy for u🙏 I'm now where u were 2 years ago. I went though an awakening process and now I'm trying to be independent financially, but I'm still trying cause I'm really tired psychologically. I really feel u when u said that u eliminate what u say cause they ruin it. Thank u, hope you find even more peace through forgiveness ✨
@@mandolaa I'm sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. At the same time it is wonderful that you are now in your awakening. You will get stronger in time, I have faith that you will be able to take care of yourself. I've been listening a lot to the lectures of Neville Goddard. This has been very helpful in my process. I'm learning to control my imagination and it results in feeling better emotionally. It also helps to create financial abundance. I am still learning, but his insights have been a blessing and I highly recommend. In time you will meet the right people who will help you build a better life.
@@thegardenofeve thank you so much for your advices!! Yes, youtube channels and podcasts have helped me too a lot, especially Teal Swan's. I'm trying to maintain my truth and build my life accord to it. I can relate to this imagination thing that u said. I use this all my life and now visualisation and meditation as well came back again as necessary tools for me
Gosh I feel as if you said all this for me. It describes my childhood with uncanny accuracy. I have been doing a lot of healing recently but didn't realize that this was a common dynamic. Thank you
Clare Harrison Wonderful!! It’s very common but many people haven’t woken up to it yet.
Candace van Dell I used to feel sorry for myself but then realized there was a stronger purpose - to all concerned. Your video was very informative and will be of great help
Boom!
Hit the nail on the head. Golden child here. I knew something wasn’t right but could never put my finger on it. My siblings always accused me of being the favorite- I didn’t buy into it but maybe it was true. I tried to always keep myself so busy that I didn’t have to deal with my emotions. I just remember feeling like I’m trapped in someone’s else body- uncomfortable in my own skin. Striving for perfection. Nothing was ever good enough. Could not answer basic questions that I asked myself like what activities do you enjoy? What makes you happy? I used to say that’s weird- and just move on. My closet sibling was the scapegoat and rebellious. He’s opened up to me a few times but I was not aware of this dynamic. We both felt this lack of love, not feeling good enough, seeking parents approval, but he seemed to put me down when I did something great and also kick me when I was down. For some weird reason I would go back thinking things are different now- and it would just happen again. Well, at least I know now- time to fix this and move forward. Question I struggle with is- how do you love yourself? The search is on. “Still haven’t found what I’m looking for” ha!
I "literally "felt like she was talking to me
😊
I'm the scapegoat and my brother doesnt see any of it about our parents. Hes in denial.
I was the golden child and I was the one that woke up. And the scapegoat turned out to be the narcissistic. This dynamic also happens, it depends on the individuals and families.
OMG Candace!! That video was SPOT on to my family experience! I was the scapegoat child and you described my experience to a “T”!! You are so brilliant and I am so incredibly grateful that I was led to your videos. This one in particular should win an award!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 👏😘🙏
JCisKING ha ha thank you so much for your kind endorsement 😇😇😇✨
Chills and in tears... and I don't even have a narcissist in my family! Wow....
Alexandra Simpson Awww Thank you!!
Woooowww...talk about a moment of clarity!!
Marlo lopez Wonderful! I love it!!
I have never, EVER heard someone describe my life so clearly and succinctly, and this is coming from someone who has done an absolute sh*ttonne of work on herself. It's like the light of God just shined on me and gave total clarity. I almost can't listen to it because of the truth of it.
That “triangulation” factor/trait! Wow. That’s so true! This whole video is gold.
Holy shit! I'm a therapist and have never heard someone touch the tough spots in my heart as much as you have here so I feel heard and can heal. Thank you!
100% truth. u just described my family )
Ni ni 😁
All I can say is Thank you how I have felt all my life and was told I'm weird, no matter what I do is not good enough triangulation is huge in my family it's so hard to admit it makes you feel bad and alone the other parent is just sidelines but everyone speaks behind your back such a lonely feeling!
Thank you all for sharing xxx
I have an initial primal wound of being adopted. Drank alcohilcally for 40 years approaching 5 years in recovery. Fog started to lift revealing with excrutiating pain that my adopted 'mother' is a narc!! The more awakened I've become the worse she became ... at moment am no contact and although grieving someone who is still alive she'll be back!! Golden child brother is successful and lives in Switzerland although went to boarding school at 11 visitis once a year. She left my Christmas gift last year under her duvet for me made me search for it and when I found it was next to an envelope with The Will written on it. I turned 50 few weeks back and for my birthday she said "they should never have put you up for adoption considering all you have wrong with you and wish I could send you back". I cried on the floor like a baby begging her to love me!! Enough!! I have not drunk on the worse pain I have ever felt. My cptsd and the pain from being smear campaingned and now rejected by my 'family' for not taking my children to see her is crippling - I will now get the slap from the grave and be punished foreseeing the light and be written out of my inheritance - which truly was my father's fortune x To thine self be true. A narcistic mother is a narcistic grandmother and my childrens' safety is worth every penny. God bless you all my fellow warriors x
I was the scapegoated child, and I've been stuck in a codependent relationship with a narcissist just like my dad, for almost my whole adult life. I only just now figured it out, but every single thing you say about the scapegoated child applies to me, especially the constant perfectionist striving. If only I could measure up, I would finally find acceptance.
You say the message the scapegoat recieved was that they were never good enough. As a golden child, I recieved this message also. I can't speak for my sister, because I'm not her- but I strongly suspect that both of us have the same core belief (not being good enough). For me, it's like you said: I had to abandon myself and be whatever my father wanted me to be. Kind, quiet, caring, quick thinker etc... (But ofc never ever talk back), and he wanted me to achieve a lot of things, like most narcissists parents do. Things I wasn't ready for, like competing in sports. So when this happend (i.e when I would express uncertainty/saying no) I would loose connection with my father. But even IF I went along with it, he would raise the bar. Always demanding more. Nothing was ever enough. For this reason, I do believe my sister and I have this belief in common, although the way we handle it is very different.
"You can't be happy unless you're totally aligned with your own wise guide inside; not somebody else's." Beautiful!! ~ Afsaneh
Yes Candace! Perfect timing for this video! I'm glad you're shining the light on this topic. It's the truth for me. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, although it's sad that so many of us have suffered, or are suffering. Can't wait for more! Blessings. 💕
Bea M it’s time for society to wake up! One soul at a time xo
Candace van Dell Isn’t the society primarily narcissistic..always enabling the abusers..ganging up on the lone scapegoat..scapegoat by the family..then scapegoated by society :(
I am the only child and I was both of those. And it makes sence. When you said “false love”, it hurt a lot. Burned. Like you punched me in a stomack. Thank you.
Thank you for this video. I was the only child of a narc father and codependent mother. I couldn’t really define the family dynamic until my awakening last summer. I have been suffering from PTS(D) for over 40+ yrs and never realized it. I have been studying up on this issue and working on healing. I am currently involved in a similar dynamic with my husband and extended family members who display a lot of covert narc behavior. They make my stomach just drop every time I encounter them. I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle this unfortunate situation. I look forward to more videos on this topic.🙏🏻❤️
I'm SHOOK. Thank you for seeing me.
You are my angel. Thank u for your videos. I’m in tears.
I discovered Candace van Dell a few days ago and I'm sooo happy about it! It feels as if my healing started with discovering her and I'm just amazed by her videos and her sight of life. Fells like she speaks fresh from my very own soul. I didn't even realise I was living in a Narcissistic family dynamic, like I mean I knew it was unhealthy and made me sick, but what you described was exactly the way I grew up just that I at the beginning was the golden child and when I grew older I was becoming more and more of the scapegoat. Thanks for your video!!! You are indeed a healer, feeler and a huge benefit to me and the world.
this is my best friend of 17 years . And i had to step back from her because of this only reason. and Have to admit they are the most hard one to spot.
j jackson 🙏🏻
You described my family dynamic to a tee. I’m also an indigo so it was compounded double.
Lots of positive energy!!
A codependent person is also a narcissist because he or she is looking out for his or her interest in being codependent and people pleasing for the more powerful figures in her environment.
Truth never enters the equation on either side.
We should uphold truth alone as the #1 importance in our lives and behavior.
Regardless of the personal consequences.
This will create a much healthier society.
EvenStar LoveAnanda Totally which is why I called my channel “The Truth Room” 😁
EvenStar LoveAnanda this is true
Wow. I've been dealing with a lot of this stuff. Going between thinking I'm codependent or narcissistic. You solidified what I thought. I was scapegoated. I had the chance multiple times to be the golden child. And i would unconsciously allow myself to give to them, but sooner or later I would blow up and use aggression and my loud voice to get what I wanted. My needs to be met. For me to be seen. Etc. I now need to love myself. I've realized this. Thank you very much. I feel I can go between codependency and narcissism. It depends how deeply threatened I feel. Thats the sad part. I shouldnt feel threatened just living life. Being around others.
I like your ''be the change'' comment that really makes me feel so much better about my choice and less guilty- Thank You, Namaste :)
Totally true this is my life i just awaken i was the scapegoat.im a empath no contact 3 years
Spot on as usual, my grandmother had nine children and there's over 40 grandchildren. Sunday dinners every Sunday, lot of love and a lot of you ego. But that will change and I appreciate everything you do. Love you synchronicity is here!
Wow .. this video is so spot on , I am definitely the scapegoat and my twin is the golden child for sure
You are so genuine, authentic and inspiring and empowering Candace :) beautiful inside out❤️
Naturally Healthy Esther Awwww Thank you so much! 💜
Wow. This really hit home. This subject could go on and on because it is so rampant. There seems to me also, that the strictness and authoritative Catholic church in particular, went together with controlling, strict parenting back in the day. It's an amazingly rich and sad topic but thank-you for making the video. I'll try to find some more.
Hi Candice. My eldest brother is the golden one. My mom wanted a girl when I plopped out to the pan. I have one thing to say. What gives people the right to kick children around or have unrealistic expectations. I was born to the wrong parents. My mom was a beautiful woman. But so vicious she snarled. I stood up to her and stopped her from beating me and moved. I worked for over 36 years. I got hurt in and forced retirement. I had to move back in with the folks and I couldn't believe the family didn't change. I was already 17 years sober. So I clearly saw the family dynamic. So it was hard. I had to put boundaries up which was hard on all of us. In sure after my mom had me she developed post depression. Now tables turned but my soul purpose is to protect then. If I never came or was born maybe they would of been a real happy family. Bob
Girl you are helping me so much. I’ve watched so many different people and wow it’s taken me over a year and a half to find you. You crush this subject and resonate so deeply with me!!!! Currently I am going through the controlled separation period with my family and I have been looking for videos on it because it’s so confusing esp if your parents were covert and everyone around us thinks they’re fantastic but we know the truth... the flying monkeys are real - and the guilt trips are real and the feeling shamed for needing space to heal is so so real. I would love a video on that. I know it’s a lot to ask but I think controlled separation is sooooo important to heal from a narcissistic family situation as an indigo child. I stopped talking to them about 8 months ago and I ... cut off a lot of friendships I didn’t realize were toxic, excelled in building my business further than I could have imagined, I’m single and totally happy and not dating for the first time in my life. The power of controlled separation is real and I just can’t find videos on it. Did you go through that period? Would appreciate the share because I think you’re so wise and on it with all of your topics!! Xoxo thanks for shining so bright!
Excellent video. I’ve been living this for the last 20 years and it’s now gone down to the next generation. Change is coming.
It is beautiful when one realizes they were not crazy nor incorrect, thank you for talking to me when I felt I had nobody but myself. Your souls mission is being fulfilled and you are amazing, Namaste sister.
Whew!! You sure hit the proverbial nail right on the head! 😚💗
I love this video!! This is one of the very few who talk about this whole family structure. My mother was a covert narrastist, my father the codependant alcoholics where i was the scapegoat, my sister and my brother a narrastist. I had to walk away from the whole mess, married someone who is codenpendant and made me see my own narrastic traits that i show towards him. I am healimg and it has been hard but videos like these help me nkt feel so alone in this journey.
Wow, amazing words! This is so relevant to me right now. Thank you so much for making me more aware xx
Tania Ahkin Awwww wonderful!!
Probably one of your best videos Candace!! And SO interesting to get to know more about narcissism as I think we're surrounded by a lot of selfish and narcissistic people who are toxic to our health and life overall. And it is so important to get the tools to recognize these people before they can step into your life that you are trying to create (without these kinds of people, to finally establish a family were your kids don't need to heal like crazy because of their old wounds). Love u.
There is something good. We can awaken and reconstruct ourselves, actually it's Done to us.
Thank you for making this video, I see narc videos for partners but for me it was being the scapegoat in a family of narcs. Really weird dynamic where those who joined the family took on roles and became abusers themselves.
My mom attacked me and finally I decided me loving her was not enough for the damage she brought.
🙏 peace to everyone who may be experiencing this
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You just made soooo much make sense! I’m so grateful for you! Thank you!
One minute in and ... I already have cold shivers .. 🙏
Words cannot express how much this video resonate
This so accurate it's scary. Great insight.
This is gold!
So spot on , so true , so clearly explained. Thank you
Thank you for showing people the light. My younger sister is a lightworker but since we grew up with a narcissistic and sideline parents, she hasn't been able to wake up. Her husband die over 18 years ago and she still keeps communicating with his spirit and it has become so envious of her life that it has kept her in fog and I have my own demons that I need to battle for I am a co dependent parent of a malignant covert narcissist wife. I don't want to project my own shame and pain to her, so I keep isolated and going through PTSD and C-PTSD but she needs to wake up and I wish there was something I could do so she can find who she really is and not be afraid or in doubt. Just wanted to mention this to you so maybe you could do a video on this type of issues.
Thank you ,
Sincerely Raul Navarro
WOW Candace, hitting the nail on the head again
I agree with you and appreciate you. Attracting other narcissist is overrated though because most people are that way these days so how to even find others who are emotionally healthy
Thank you so much for your insight! You have helped me a ton! It's so great to hear this stuff spoken! Thank you for helping me find my true inner self. I'm working on it!
👏🏻 👏🏻 best explanation of the golden child I've heard in a whileee ; as most people don't cover things from they're perspective (how they, too, are differentially affected ((in my case, my sister )) ... needless to say I was and still am the scapegoat bleh idgaf over it 👋🏻🙃 .. but yaa very, very well articulated my love ♥️ Namaste 🙏🏻🕉❣️💫
Being thrown to the wolves by this dynamic is a brutal experience, especially when the family you have now created, yourself, also falls apart on top of it all, after 25 years, and you then find yourself alone and are attempting to make sense of it.
This woman has identified some of the issues but I'm not hearing any solutions. I do agree with her that it's not really full blown NPD but aspects of narcissism are definitely present throughout. It's called dysfunctional.
The only solution I have come up with is to go full 'no contact' and accept it, for there is no repair possible after such betrayal. It's been two 30 year rollercoaster rides I would not have chosen to get on, or stayed on, had I known. Find peace in loving yourself and don't give up the search for those that are deserving of the same. Good luck figuring it all out.
This video has been an immense help for me, thank you so much!!!
Thankyou Candace your advise is really appreciated.🙏🏻
I always chose narcissistic men. I notice that as I reject them from a better sense of self-esteem, I am attracting some nicer people. I had an experience where I was getting closer to my father for the first time in my life (over a medical issue) and his wife found a way to drive a wedge there. I realized that it's just not meant to be because my father has always been narcissistic , along with his wife and one of his sons. But this drama reflected the pattern I have been in with men - unable to get any closer. And now I feel further away from my father than I ever have in my life. I realized I've been dealing with and needing to free myself from the wrong energy and the wrong people...and an old and dysfunctional self-concept.
Lots of love Candace! You explain everything so well! 🌸🌹💕
Aroa Azalea Awww Thank you so much 😁
Preach it sister! Seriously, I love you!
Thank God I'm the scapegoat. I feel sorry for my sister. My narc mom has kept us divided our entire lives. I've completed therapy and continue to educate myself about cluster b personality disorders. If my sister ever needed anything if be there but for me to say that to my sister she'd try and hurt my feelings with a nasty response. It's very sad and it trickles down the family. I see it
wow, thank you so much! i really felt i needed to hear this.
Legendofmarlon Smith I’m so glad!!
You explain things so well!!! Really, from the heart, thank you Candace ;D
I thought you were saying "the wise guy" inside like a New Yorker would say lol which I thought was fun and cute and then I realized it was " wise guide". I think I'll just start calling my guide the wise guy from now on though.☺ 💜❤
I am trying to determine if I am narcissistic or came from that type of family. I find you videos very helpful, which is why I watch them. That being said, your look is very beautiful and I love the hat. Seriously, I have been trying to reconcile my life, and your videos have been one of the few that have helped me. That is what has been important to me. However, your look and style has also been important, although I do not know why exactly. Let me just say that, the way you look has also had a positive affect on me. Thank you and I will always pray for you.
Thank you, Candace. This was very helpful. Subscribed. Watching more....
I was the scapegoat, and everything you said, I thought. I carried and still carry a lot of guilt because I DID think it was my fault because I NEVER could measure up to their ideal standards. And I wasn’t a kiss up like my sister. I wanted people to like and accept me for me, not because I was saying things they liked to hear. But....it never mattered.
Thank you. You are absolutely right. ❤
Ok Candace we can color you a true psychic kudos to you personally we are all a little dysfunctional some days war to go will spread the word
Jerry Capps Capps Thank you!!
My youngest brother has definite signs of narcissism, he use to get off reminding me of all the 'beatings' I experienced as a child. When I started to wake up he changed his tune and said we were all treated the same and that he remembered getting the belt but suggested that I be more like him because he got over it. My middle brother has quit talking with me, I suspect he was basically ordered to as he is the stereo typical 'starving artist' and has been supported off and on by our parents since leaving home. I knew I was in a bad scene as a child and at 19 I left never to move back. I predictably went on to marry a narc, actually the same narc, twice. We had kids the second time, neither of which is currently talking with me as I made the mistake of calling their mother out about 6 months ago and she circled the wagons so to speak. I continue to seek counselling, read books on the topic, belong to FB recovery groups, etc. I was just at a shrink and was diagnosed with PTSD as well as borderline personality disorder. I'd bet the farm that I do not have BPD but rather I likely have CPTSD as well as PTSD. I'm wondering if any of the readers have had success in dealing with this issue (trauma recovery) and if so what treatments would you recommend?
Thank you for this video. 💜
stasia wysote welcome 😁
Thank you so much for your helpful videos 🙏🏼♥️
You described this perfectly 🤍🤍🤍
I'm the black sheep my sister the GC. My NM has divided us and tries to divide the rest of the family. It's a sick environment
Ehi Thanks Candace!!! You definitely made the point here, I've been going through this realization my self lately bu,t having listen to it so well defined and verbalised, although painful, has been really meaningful to me. blessings.^ì^
You are so amazing! So inspiring!! I’m realizing so much about myself just by watching your videos!! Please make podcasts!! You really should ❤️❤️❤️
You just pinpointed my in-laws my wife is the escape goat her brother is The Golden Child and her mother is a narcissist thank you you have eliminated my doubt
The paradox thing is that I was the golden child and always wanted to please them to survive but this was never acknowledged I still was called “selfish” or “narcissistic” (at the age of 13)
Thank you so much! Talk more about the subject ✨🌟💫🌟
my husbands mom is narcisstic andwe stopped conatc with her because our kids were drawn into this system
monikasea It’s sad but in some cases needs to be done.
Not always the scapegoat awakens. Sometimes it's the golden child who does
“Holy shit!!” You took the words from my mouth! I already knew I was the golden child, but the way you put in to words it’s great!
What is the best away to heal from codependency?
Listen. This is so fucking spot on. She just explained my damn family. I never had a relationship with my sister. She's the golden child. My mother put a wedge in between our father and each other. Indeed, this is some sick shit. I've gone no contact with my mother for years. I have battled with the shame of that and I've been trying to heal. I've come far but damn looks like I may need to get some coaching from Candace. I really want to just leave this shit behind and find purpose in my pain. What a fucking life.
This is a great video. My life experience. In my case, I noticed that the golden child and scape goat flip back and forth between the siblings depending on the behavior. I’ve seen myself in both golden and scape goat. Leaving both titles. Just me 💛
There was too much injustice to be ignored. I don't know if I'm a narc or not. I think it's pitiful I sealed approval from mothers. Type o. I seeked approval. Bob
Goosebumps
Wow thank you so so much
Thank you!
❤️ my life too. Thank you!!!
Very welcome!!
Thank you for makin this ❤💫
Anzoo sun you are very welcome 🌸
Chills
Brittany Murphy 😁
Candace, you do private coaching, right? Where do I find your pricing and all that?
Brittany Murphy yes I do! Here are my rates www.candacevandell.com/work-with-me XO
I removed myself from a narc family and that's the most difficult decision I made, problem id I am close to my younger sister who is nice to everyone also close to them.. so I am getting pull back sometimes