@@SoundsBogus I don't like to think of myself as empath, however I relate with the meaning and this is the most accurate video, of the hundreds i've watched, describing my relationship. I come from a healthy middle class family, meaning i naturally have a secure attachment style, but the love bombing i wasn't ready for easily lured me into being codependent. Now my eyes are open & I think the op comment stands.
The black and white or hot and cold treatment in psychology is called splitting. It is insane behavior. They can go from displays of extreme love to extreme hatred in a split second.
My ex wife had Borderline Personality traits and displayed this all throughout our relationship. The ultimate display was while we were separated. I asked her for the divorce because of her actions. But somehow she tried to give me an ultimatum for her to come to marriage counseling I must allow her to still sleep with another man. It was ludicrous and ultimately what made me not even desire to fix anything anymore.
@@allenlucas1676lol, that wasn't much of a selling point for you was it? Yeah for me, if my wife wanted to sleep with another man, she could, but only after we divorced. Just knowing she wanted that with someone else would be it for me. I feel for you and I think you made the right decision.
I have just recently been involved with a girl with this splitting behavior, she ended up accusing me of cheating (obviously she is the one cheating in the shadows)
i married one all of the above really. One that i havent seen a lot of people talk about is 12. She would constantly pick the very best behaviours or abilities of other males i mean their very best and i would have to measure up to all of them which now i see as just ridiculous but at the time it was just awful for me but literaly all of those things plus extremely explosive behaviour when a story or narrative she created had come undone
Just come out of a relationship where a lot of this is relatable. She actually left me as well. Never been so confused and worn out in my entire life and it wasn’t until I was out of the toxic bubble that I could clearly see what was going on. Dodged a bullet, feel sorry for the next guy.
Listen to your gut. Trauma bonding to a female narcissist is very hard to break away from. My ex narc was obsessed with external male validation, and loved to stonewall and gaslight when you tried to bring up boundaries. On the phone checking, I actually did this to prove she was lying, which turned out to be true, but I was the one in the wrong, even though I confessed to it because I genuinely felt awful. They make you feel crazy and you’ll end up losing your sanity if you stay in their web of chaos.
i'm sure you confessed or rather abdicated because you just couldn't take their relentless arguing and attacking, accusing, blameshifting, gaslighting, projecting etc....
I saw a message reply pop up walking past her phone late at night from a guy from the past. They had an on and off affair, and he was supposedly an ahole. I opened her phone and there they were, messages between them throughout my relationship with her as well as through her last relationship. Says she doesn't know why she did it.
It doesn't matter. Your true character over time will win out. I have a friend in your situation. At first, the narcissist seemed credible, but over time, we all began to see who he really was. He never had me fooled in the first place though lol.
So true. I too had a friend that way. Horrible experience of my life. Never about Narcissism about that time. She just used my kindness, abused, exploited and now she is acting like we never knew each other. So much anger I had in my body when I figured out how I was targeted.
madam you actually missed one big point, majority of the time they practice selective amnesia like some information they forget and some information they clearly remember and playing victim and crying triggering the trauma bonding to the men they are in the relationship with
Man mine was like this. Made me think I was insane and made something up , luckily I had the receipts, texts she sent me. And when I showed her , she then got mad and said don’t pull up text anymore lol
I’m an empath man that been married to a female narcissist for 10 years and only realized she is a narcissistic after I’ve been told by two therapists! Seriously, it’s hell!🙏
Hey love you don’t know what your talking about regards to Ego?! Ego is important it closes the door on original pain from childhood until through strategy of say recognised approved step work with safe others you can deal with that painful childhood so your inner loving self can begin to connect to your True self… your Thinking - Feeling Brain . Ego just survival it automatically inhibits you closes doors to that pain until entirely ready to
I just ended a 6+ year friendship with a woman who has high narcissistic traits. It wasn’t an easy decision but it got to the point where I could no longer handle their toxic behavior any longer. I had to do what’s best for me and my mental wellbeing.
When the social worker told me I was an abused spouse I didn't believe her at first, I really thought I was the problem. Thanks for your videos, they are helping me understand what has been going on.
I’m now an expert on the subject: I went through it with a female narcissist for nine months! Heed my warning: it’s an absolute nightmare do not stay with your partner, run for the nearest exit as fast as you can. These videos are good because it gives you the clarity that you need to know exactly what’s going on
9 months does not make you an expert. Try it for 20, 30, 40, 50 years then maybe you'll understand it. If you have kids with her you're screwed because the courts will keep you in contact with each other until someone, most likely the male, goes to jail. However you are right to run. I suggest MGTOW.
I went through that. When I told her I put more effort (18 months) into the relationship then my past marriage (17 years). She said " what effort ?" That was hurtful.
This is a superb breakdown by Dr. Becky! I would add one other sign from personal experience: covert female narcissists hold a grudge for as long as it takes for payback; days, weeks, months. They are so vindictive!
If you think THEY are the one that "made' you feel then you are still under their control/spell, you're still wrapped up in their neverending inner delusions/dar-kness, and you learned nothing. The truth is, you were loving YOURSELF the entire time you were interacting with them as they were doing nothing more than mirroring you, there is nobody inside them in the first place, therefore there was nobody for you to love but yourself (as they themselves are incapable of true empathy/love). Stating that they made you feel is like saying an empty robot made you feel, or an empty soda can made you feel. And in the same way it's completely ridiculous to think a Narc made you feel anything...As they were doing nothing more than mirroring you in the beginning. Based on a lie and you cannot truly feel for lies. They are completely incapable of processing their emotions, they don't know how to. And that is why when you state that you love them they greatly resent it, they turn you into an enemy and play their games. Because inside they ask themselves- " how can you possibly love this ? ' Unless you get over these massive hurdles and understand the bigger picture of Universal spiritual truths in your relationships then you will never be the truly empathic powerful loving spirit being you truly are to love the world/heal the world. . .
My ex caused me a serious injury that I have been struggling with for the last 2 years from the complications of it , she however within a couple of months started to treat me with so much disgust that I was not healing and her facial expression was so painful to see that I had to stop talking with her and it was like good riddance for her as she never wanted to address my feelings that I was having with her callous behavior
One thing to remind the people dealing with this is to heal the part of yourself that feels the need to people please, be co dependant, or lack strong boundaries. These type of people need you to unconsciously accept them. YOU must agree to their terms for it to work. So before you consider another relationship. KNOW your terms. What will you immediately walk away from? What are your boundaries? Are you fulfilling all your needs or have you left a hole for them to fill with fantasies? Also that braid is bad ass Dr.Spelman! Great vid!
Excellent video! I went No Contact for a year after thinking I might be dealing with one, possibly. She checked every one. But, that's my opinion. However, during the No Contact, she contacted me two days after my birthday to inform me that I was worthless and not worth remembering the actual day. She then blocked me again, before I could respond. Thank you for making this video, I don't advocate for labeling either, I think its used too frequently and thrown around too easily. But I do advocate for observing patterns of behavior.
It's better for the children if they don't have to grow up with a narcissistic mother. But of course, if she would get the custody, it's even worse for them.
10 месяцев назад
Understand how your wife is most likely cheating on you.
Get a lawyer, then get out. Don't tell the narcissist before filing. They will do anything to get the kids, including using the time to frame you for a crime as they want the children to maintain their image as a great parent.
Whenever i see a good video about narcissism i leave some of the quotes of my ex there. "Noone can tell me anything, cause noone has my experience" "one could say I am holy" "you think you can compare to someone like me hahaha?" "People like you need to be hated so they learn" "one more word and you will loose your teeth". Was the reaction to feedback. And yeah she was the sweetest person in the beginning with a bible under her cushion. Her triggered rage scared the hell out of me. Combined with the sudden grandiosity I think she is able to do anything to someone and it will never be her fault. She even twisted reality to suit her own narrative. Something just happened and it was the opposite in her mind. You cannot change or help them. Just run.
@@dr.beckyspelman yeah exactly sometimes I did not know if she was serious in the beginning. Later she raged for up to two weeks after the slightest critique. She called it "endless rage" and thought it is normal. It was insane. She transformed into a witch. It got worse and worse and worse. I ended it once the rage was unbearable. One of the first things that irritated me so much was : in one of our first longer conversations we where talking two hours. And I tried to start a sentence about 10 times and she just interrupted me and talked over me. I was speechless cause I never saw anything like it. I could talk maybe 5 minutes in these two hours. Then she said "did your mother not tell you don't interrupt people like that. You also talk too much.". And she had some strange smile while saying that. I said "are you serious ?" And laughed. I told her she interrupted me all the time and I could barely finish a sentence. She just kept on smiling. That should have been a huge red flag. Now I know better thanks to channels like yours. So thanks for listening and thanks for what you do ! All the best :)
@@dr.beckyspelman yeah it costs so much energy trying to tame someone that is always going crazy. And the devaluation phase was also pretty hard on my self esteem. Suddenly everything so great about me was the opposite. But you know I am happy I learned so much about this because of channels like yours. It will be helpful in understanding others and also in avoiding the wrong people. Thanks again !
That's really interesting! I had a narc boyfriend when I was in my late teens. Over time all the young people in our town that we hung around with started to realise what he was like. He said something similar along the lines of that he deliberately did things so that people hated him so they would learn and grow from him and that it was for a greater good long term. He eventually moved country, probably because he knew he'd burned his bridges with everyone.
An excellent spotlight on narcissism, particularly the covert, vulnerable type. 20 years with one to my shame! I got the initial ' love bombing' start quickly followed by the devaluation treatment. Typical textbook stuff like they all take a college course and graduate with a diploma in torturing people. The trauma bond is the only true connection you share, not a genuine mutual, reciprocal relationship at all. Leaving is like launching into space! It need tremendous power to overcome that gravity pulling you back down. It's really rocket science to break free as you may feel love bonds and or feelings of guilt, shame or just not wanting to throw away years you've invested in having a life /future together. Whether you go or stay It's always over anyway! Because you can't unknow what you've learnt and seen behind the mask they wear. You simply take whats good and emotionally leave the rest. Have no expectations of them changing, stop trying to fix things, stop reacting to their triggering you and enforce your boundaries more. It's a bit like dealing with stroppy children and having to ignore the tantrums and sulks. Children go through a self centered phase but grow up wherase covert narcissists don't grow up emotionally ( in my experience) I still watch narc videos only to stay grounded. Your video is one of the best I've seen and is the one I wish I'd seen long ago. Stay strong if in such relationships ❤
I can relate to what you wrote its been absolutely soul destroying and emotionally draining. Also lol on your analogy of leaving is like launching into space. So true breaking free of the gravity of guilt and shame and the trauma bond. I agree, at this stage it over regardless.
Becky, You have no clue how many people come to Ayahuasca ceremonies who've been completely traumatized by narcissistic abuse (mostly men as false society has trumpeted the "modern woman" of being a cold, cruel, calculated parasitic snake as if they're some sort of endearing attributes, lol !). And in the ceremonies they get all the truthful answers and infinitely more than they were initially looking for (spiritually speaking). I was just in a ceremony a few nights ago where 6 of the 17 participants were men and came to the ceremony because they have been completely depleted by their female narcissist partner...and Since eye am an expert on the subject Mama Ayahuasca and I healed them all in spectacular fashion far beyond any words can describe..You're doing an outstanding job raising awareness ! Much love !! You're a Spiritual Warrior my friend !! : - )
Your observation is truly fascinating to read, very glad you shared that. I'm a gay bloke and 50% of my straight male friends are shells of themselves having been hollowed out over many years.
@@romac9516 Doesn't matter if you're gay, how you look, what color you are, and all the nonsense of human judgment of stupidity. The universe of spirit only cares about your heart and if you inhabit the love, courage, and action to go deep within you millions of times deeper within yourself with Ayahuasca that the ego-mind is terrified of going (narcissists cant go within imprisoned by the dark mind), hence why every religion on the planet states the kingdom of god/universe/heavens/nature/spirit is all WITHIN you... With that said, much love brother !! I know what I say as eye have sat in hundreds of ayahuasca ceremonies with thousands of people from all over the world, and from all cultures...some gay, mostly straight..and none of that matters.. Can you go deep within is ALL that matters ...screw sexual orientation all all that human nonsense. Much love !!
I understand where you are coming from, but it is not loving to affirm sin. I understand you come from a «new age» mindset, nut there is only one true God! He is the only one who define love and moral, but people are seeking the things of this world and denie the real God of the bible, the real Christ Jesus, and make their own version of him. «New age Jesus» is demonic.
@@knockout4121 Nothing about Shamanism is "new age", Ayahuasca Shamanism is over 40.000 years old, by FAR the oldest and true original, hence why your criminal bible-writers had to CONTROL..as You had to steal 75 stories from us, and then twist/manipulate those stories to CONTROL...What's new age is your gov't written book of endless nonsense and self-hatred.
Think I can tick about six of these off the list, I new a female for a while even years actually and I can see now I've possibly been dealing with a narcissist, the only difficult part is that I liked them in a big way and now it's caused uneccessary things to happen. Thanks Dr Becky s this is good
Definitely my last gf. Very pretty, but wow she is one unfortunately. I feel bad for her and hope she gets help.😢 But she needs to stay the F away from me😂😂
Run 🏃♂️ for the hills and dont ignore the red flags the lack of empathy is a big red flag also pay attention to how they treat the wait staff at restaurants and bars 🍸 you can thank me later cheers
True...my ex was rude to waitresses and waiters. There was always something wrong with the food or service. She had to complain or write complaints most the time!😮
Thank you in particular for the disclaimer at the end.I agree a lot of these terms are way overused, and as you said, we all have some or all of these traits at different times.
Honestly all these examples could be applied also to adhd people, to dismissive avoidants, people with childhood trauma that resulted in low confidence, trust issues and low self worth... So Having had a narcissist mother there's quite more to narcissm and that these traits in this video aren't really a bullet proof list like it sounds...
Sooooo.... I was dating someone and I opened up to her about how I have low self-esteem about my looks because you know, emotional intimacy, blah, blah, blah... She eventually told her it (my low self-esteem over my looks) "discusses" her (that's "disgusts" in literary-speech). I realize that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Narcs actually go around the world feeling and or trying to take what others have built if your an honest person, who finds healthy ways of having self compassion, healthy boundaries, and choosing safe enough connection, working for yourself your goals, advocating for your needs and taking your space in the world, your an empath with healthy boundaries cause narcs dont really work for things they just think they're entitled to them, so it s good to have boundaries and let good people into my circle and keep choosing safe enough connection and taking up my space in the world im worth it in a good way were worth it.
I was in a relationship for 15 years with someone with this kind of behaviour, but I managed to get out of the situation and I decided not speak with the person ever again, and I haven’t done so for the past 12 years, and I am feeling good in the last couple years I mean emotionally with that person around me. Watching your video I can say was 100% what I had to support, and thank for the video because I can now see bit more about the true. The person also according to the medical experts suffer from Bipolar Disorder, but after seeing your video I do believe she suffer of narcissistic disorder there is no doubt. Your video was very helpful thank you.
Yo, I’m going through the same shit rn! It’s been a month since I left my soon to be ex wife. We’re together for 10 total years. I honestly feel better but damn she fucked up my head bro. I’m the complete opposite of her. I’m a happy , grateful person and an optimistic person she was the opposite. She was super manipulative playing the victim never took accountability for shit and lacked empathy I never put 2 and 2 together that she was a narcissist. I told her everything the last day exactly how I felt and the path is choosing to go w/ her single hoe friends and she gonna fall right behind them. I even was suspicious that she had sex w/ someone with in the 1st 5 days of calling it quits for the last time. She came back super drained low energy and she caught a cold ( bodily fluids) . And I called her out and she got super defensive. I know she did bc of the ppl she hangs out w/ and his mental illness. Ppl like her w/ PD and other mental illnesses are sexually active bc it fills an empty space in their heart 😊
My twin sister. I was in the black and white box all my life. I waited for the white box and the black box was hell.. i was always open and excepting of when the great version would be switched on.. she would steal my friends and turn them against me while spreading lies about me my whole life.. its sad because part of me still wants a relationship with her. My arms are always open. But the pain of it all haunts me.. i was always in a loosing battle. I never really stood up or confronted the lies. It almost wasnt worth it so id just try be and make new friends in school or work . My group did get smaller. Then i moved away.. its really sad and unfair and i hate that it has to be this way !!! I think she is a very lucky person with friends from when she was a young teenager in her life now. A very kind caring son a patient partner a beautiful home.. its sad to see her destruct things around her.. i keep my distance but will always answer that phonecall in her drunken state.. get realed in again and then im in, i reach out the following day to communicate to be ignored again.. I'll try this for a while till I get the hint again.
Unfortunately, my mom has at least 8 of those signs, i am trying to avoid her as much a spossible now, im tired of her lack of accountability and manipulative behavior
Exactly! Just found out the woman I'm in a relationship with. Has OCD and more than likely OCPD too . Oddly enough she accuses me of being a Narcissist all the time even though I bend over backwards for her irrational demands all the time . She also has many of these signs I've observed.
Thank you. Very helpful. Especially the simple description of “ someone who has difficulty seeing another’s perspective. Yes the term narcissist is used too readily today. Thank you dr
This advise is spot on and the first thing I look for. It's not just a stereotype and I've encounters it enough to just run away from it as well as their responses.
My ex gf from France, Sandy Patou ticks every box on your list. I walked out on the 10th Jan this year as I couldn’t handle the abuse and mental torture any more. I name the person as people online believe the projection that she is beautiful, funny and a wonderful human being but the reality is she is a human wrecking ball of peoples lives. I’ve even now made friends with her ex bf before me as she triangulated us in the early stages of my relationship with her. A few days after I walked out on her on the 10th January she had her next victim from the USA. Unfortunately these people are among us and need calling out as they do huge damage to peoples lives
I love how you named her. 😅 I went through the same relationship. I left my parallel relationship 2 weeks ago. These type of people ruin lives and don't take accountability for anything weather it's something small or something huge.
My ex is hitting every number. Especially #7. She raged on me when she left. I came home to a couch on fire in yard broken glass broken guitar, door, windows. It completely blind sided me that this sweet woman who is loved by so many in the community could be the extreme opposite to me.
@@dr.beckyspelmanI do 🙂 And that's great, because I wanted you to make a video about it but I didn't even have to ask you because, obviously, you read my mind, my thoughts 😄 I was doing something but I immediately stopped doing what I was doing just to watch (and listen to) this video. Thanks again!
Number 10 I can relate with in terms of previous experience with such a narcissist - they overstep boundaries for example trying to micro-manage you or going through your things, and when confronting them about it, their excuse would be something in the line of "oh but I just did it because I care about you", or "it's part of my love language"" - the latter excuse literally got told to me by the narc in my life, I was gobsmacked when I heard such drivel
Mine has just let me go after 5 years,i was on the receiving end of most of these behaviours 😢it still hurts so bad but after reading and watching alot about narcissists this last few days i know in the long run i will be better off without her. I tried so hard to help her but everything was my fault 😢
Sign #13 hits hardest (among the several others) for me. Living these last 20 years with my narc wife is akin to navigating a minefield with pogo stick blindfolded. The situations that could easily set her off are too many to count. Two common examples include telling her things like "no" or "I disagree"; which she considered abusive.
Hi! (my usual language is French) The DSM (=Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is kind of the psychiatrist's bible (at least in the States but we also use it in Switzerland). In the DSM, their are several Clusters. In the Cluster B, we find: - Antisocial Personality Disorder (psycopaths and sociopaths) - Narcissistic Personaliy Disorder (=NPD) - Borderline " " (BPD) - Histrionic " " (HPD) There are often overlaps in these disorders. For example all psychopaths are (also) narcissists. You can be "X" with traits of "Y"... I come from a family full of "Cluster B" persons. It took me a lot of time to tell them apart. But well, I like psychology so it was very interesting. Saludos from Switzerland! 🙂
@@TriniStarr3527 Merci. I've studied cluster b a lot. I'm very aware of the overlap and it takes a lot of observation and time to really understand what the cluster of symptoms most resembles but they can even be comorbid! I feel for you coming from a family of cluster b's. I married into a family of them and becoming aware of them has made me aware of some that trend that way in my FOO
@@jamesp5301 Avec plaisir 🙂 Exactely! I married an overt/grandiose narcissist. It was only when, around 1999, after seing a psychiatrist whom told me I was OK and wanted to see my now ex husband that I started understanding. My ex husband accepted (wow! I was very amazed) and we went 3 times to my psychiatrist. In private, my psy told me I was married to a narcissist and gave the name of a book (in French). I bought it and read it secretly. I managed to escape, me, my children and the cat, with the permission of a Judge in 2003. Later on, much more information was available and that is how I started to understand where I came from... Now, I am in peace, live alone and have a passion for psychology. I wish you the best.
I have watched many of these videos and has explained a lot of things in my life. It is always said that they had a hard life but the people that have most of these traits are only children that was spoiled growing up.
great research study. it's sad when . Yes they change. with time you need not look too far just a little before your nose you will see it. Isn't it their ego that ruins theeir future?
I've been hurting for so long, I didn't have a mother that loved me or was ever really in my life, I was raised by a single father, a very good man. Ive had a yearning for being loved that I have always been very easy going. I couldn't understand why I was always feeling like I'm always the one who is doing something wrong, to rephrase why my wife always made me feel that way. I'm not a dead beat, I work always have since I was in 6th grade, I support my family, I was a veteran in the Army, served in Iraq for two years out of my six year enlistment. I continue to serve both my family and country in law enforcement. I don't lay on a couch watching RUclips videos unless I want to learn how to change a filter or fix a pipe. Watching this video and reading some comments made me so unbearably sad, it's difficult to type this, my wife meets the criteria for all of it. She's very intelligent, so making sense of it and connecting it has been difficult. I just want to be happy and for everyone else in my life to be happy. Thank you, I know that this isn't gonna be a fixable problem, but at least I know now that Im not some subtlety made worthless individual. I have worth.
The eyes. The eyes. Has there ever been an independent study of taking women with the eyes and see if they are good hearted empathetic females that have that deer in the headlight ghostly stare? this way they are discriminated against. Also how often do female narcissist not have that gaze.
Becky! Thank you so so much for helping me verify a situation with my roommates girlfriend... Both of them are Narcissist and pulling each other done to the 9th level of hell... thank you for talking about this problem.
Hey there, as someone who *might* have NPD I would say don't walk away please.. YOU SHOULD RUN INSTEAD!! YEAH I MEAN RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BEFORE IT'S TO LATE! NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE CAN CHANGE THEMSELVES, BUT YOU CAN'T, SO RUNN!! Edit : please correct me if there's some mistake in my grammar
This was very informative, thank you! How many of the signs/red flags would you say could constitute a narcissist? (assuming there’s no neurodivergent contributing factors)
I was born from a natcissitic family. Married one ,I had a breakdown .I didnt know who I was anymore or who I was supossed to be. I had inheritted some narcissistic traits that ,I am now getting my mjnd renewed. My mum was constantly putting me down and I was constantly trying to buy her love until she dued 7 years ago .My mum was so controlling and I did not see it until later. If I try to run away from her. She will cry and tell everyone that I am a bad person. Now I left my ex and it was very dangerous to leave I survuved still picking up the peaces and finding my identiy .
My mother in law is a covert narc, plays the victim and lies consistently. She is a martyr, highly sensitive and defensive.Talks over you and has become more racist and can't stop complaining every year. My wife still believes she has mental health issues, my gut feeling doesn't believe it. Toxic energy and I feel sick when I am around her 😞
I am in that very situation. One of my co-workers turns out to have highly narcissistic traits. The constant mood swings, lack of empathy, self-centered, push and pull games...it all makes sense now. I liked her from the beginning, even told her although I always felt something is way off. She took me for granted. One day she was hot, next day cold. Very moody, would give me her biggest fake smiles but never really address the issue. I felt constantly drained and confused, even started crying because of some stupid woman. After 8 months I finally pulled away for good. I just feel sad and empty. And the worst she noticed and is trying to pull me back in. It's all a game to her. I can't even describe my disgust for her. Thankfully it's just a few more days I have to deal with her.
Im on a binge watching mode trying to confirm if I’m the narc…because I would get so cold and angry at the constant need for attention…These people are like walking wounds… Like I have an ego if I’m being accused of something I’m not I am going to get angry after a while and when it’s everyday I ended up having PTSD after being cruel and mean to the person always criticizing and talking about her needs because I actually did love her.. She finally discarded me after 2 yrs of me breaking up with her after every fight and taking her back because I hated myself for being so mean and defensive to her… Well 2 weeks after she already has another man in her life and she’s saying she’s been happier in those 2 weeks than 2 yrs with me… She now used me losing my shit on her as me being the narc and evil one…
I'm am going through the exact same thing as you now mate. She ended things last Saturday without wanting to talk and have clarity and closure on things. By Tuesday she had deleted all of our pictures together on social media and declared herself single to everyone 😢 the day after she sent me a massive text about how I've been this great father figure to her son (who I love very much) and she wants me still to be in his life but I know deep down this is going to be very hard to do due to her constant gaslighting and mind games 😢just like you I actually loved her so much and once we got engaged the narcissistic traits just got turned up even more and I didnt understand what was happening it was all very sad. I also kept ending the relationship after arguments and constantly going back because I was always told it was my fault and I always felt guilty about it. She would use her son as a weapon aswell which kills me!! I think deep down all her family know what she's like because a few years ago when I was allowed to go to the pub with my mates I bumped into her slightly younger sister and she gave me a big hug and told me " To have a ABIT of patience with my sister" Those words have haunted me since she said it about 3 years ago I know now what she finally means 😢
Dr Ramani has just done a video saying as high as 1 in 6 people are narcissists! Soooo its actually under used! We'll all know them. Especially female Narcissists when we get close. They are always so nice to outsiders!
The label ist 100% justified and people who tell me otherwise are most often narcissists and later dumped by me. So yea using this label is 100% right for those who deserve it.
healthy self care is having self compassion , healthy boundaries advocating for my needs in healthy ways and choosing safe enough connection where I can share my true self and get my needs for connection met im worth it , in a good way were worth it. Dont let anyone, male or female / try to dim your light just cause they're jealous, have healthy boundaries and shine my true self im worth it in a good way were worth it . Cheers fellow travelers. And find accounts and places you resonate with . And that are safe enough were worth it.
I have only come to realize that I am a walking, breathing source of supply. It’s a curse that leads me to believe that perhaps it’s just better for me to be alone. 30+ years of codependency and manipulation has taught me a true life lesson that I accept like a gift of an empty box
I can add a couple more to your list: triangulation and constantly moving goal posts. 2 years out of a "relationship" with a text book narc, and she used these 2 tactics frequently, as well as literally every other on your list.
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY When I actually heard what triangulation was it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like damn, that’s what she was doing. It drove me insane.
Almost married the narc i am blessed to have seen the light She almost broke Met up with all my frieds i intro to her Did the stuff i didnt like jealous making flirting lies inconsistency it is just chaos with a narc Run as fast as u can u cant build a future with her
Absolutely, it's crucial to approach discussions about narcissism and personality disorders with care and understanding. Labeling someone as a narcissist based solely on certain behaviors can be misleading and oversimplifies the complexity of mental health conditions.
I wish i knew this before i sacrificed my sanity for my last two exs. They literally drove me to the point where i sought counseling and was questioning myself if i was a narcissist (turns out i wasnt from what my therapist said thats a woman and my constant behavior of putting myself last which is the complete opposite of a narcissist)
What does it mean if I am attracted to this kind of women? Logically, I don't like the delusional aspects of it and I also don't like the lack of concern for others. But I am willing to ignore it. Because I find the confidence and bossiness attractive, and I am willing to pretend its justified. As in they are confident and bossy because they are super smart and just know better.
I had a person who I thought was a friend. She wanted her brother to live in my house but since I'm a female and don't know her brother other than what she told me which is, that he's unemployed, a recovering alcoholic (8 months sober and according to her, he's been drinking since he was about 13 and he's in his late 50's), she told me he has a DUI, smokes, doesn't drive and who knows what else is going on with him, I felt extremely uncomfortable with this and felt it was wrong. I did find a men's recovery group that would take him but she didn't seem interested and became very cold and hostile and doesn't want any contact with me. I think it's for the best.
So many videos I seen like this one are so accurate but for the lack of empathy statement. I think there is a level of empathy but serious lack of compassion. Maybe my autism takes things literally . But some better explanation of the empathy might help please. Thank you for the video. The trauma bonding is insane and therapy is worth considering. PTSD can also be a big thing.
My ex was a narcissist… I confronted her several times about some behaviours and the world blew up! When I said she even had traits of narcissism all hell broke loose. These people can be great but need to be checked constantly!!!
In my opinion, they are only great during the love bombing phase or when they are trying to hoover you back under their control. Any other time they are mediocre and a big share of the time very difficult to be around. There is always some difficulty or fire that needs to be put out. Going to restaurants is usually always difficult as they seem to think the waiter and especially waitress is paying more attention to you and giving them the aditude and/or stink eye. That's how mine always acted, everyone was against her and giving me the google eyes as she would call it, even though I know that I am nothing special. I'm not rich, young, good looking, no six pack, etc. Just an average Joe as one would say. I do talk to people the same way that I would like to be treated, with respect and kindness; something that she seems to lack so often.
Empath men should be extremely wary of female narcissists.
No shit
@@SoundsBogus I don't like to think of myself as empath, however I relate with the meaning and this is the most accurate video, of the hundreds i've watched, describing my relationship. I come from a healthy middle class family, meaning i naturally have a secure attachment style, but the love bombing i wasn't ready for easily lured me into being codependent. Now my eyes are open & I think the op comment stands.
As an empath who married a narcissist, I can't believe I fell for her and my marriage just ended after 3 years.
Ruined me, be careful guys
Oh, I know.
The black and white or hot and cold treatment in psychology is called splitting. It is insane behavior. They can go from displays of extreme love to extreme hatred in a split second.
My ex wife had Borderline Personality traits and displayed this all throughout our relationship. The ultimate display was while we were separated. I asked her for the divorce because of her actions. But somehow she tried to give me an ultimatum for her to come to marriage counseling I must allow her to still sleep with another man. It was ludicrous and ultimately what made me not even desire to fix anything anymore.
@@allenlucas1676lol, that wasn't much of a selling point for you was it? Yeah for me, if my wife wanted to sleep with another man, she could, but only after we divorced. Just knowing she wanted that with someone else would be it for me. I feel for you and I think you made the right decision.
it's so scary.....
I have just recently been involved with a girl with this splitting behavior, she ended up accusing me of cheating (obviously she is the one cheating in the shadows)
100 percent experienced this. It’s so confusing. I found myself acting like a drug addict looking for the highs. It’s so exhausting.
Female narcissist
1. Constantly need for attention
2. Lack of empathy
3. Manipulative behavior
4. Grandiose sense of self
5. Exploitative nature
6. Shallow relationship
7. Inconsistent behavior
8. Extreme sensitivity to criticism
9. Lack of Accountability
10. Boundary violation
11. Isolation
12. Constant Comparison
13. Unpredictable Mood Swings
So....women?
Hero
Yep... my mother in law has 90% of these lol
i married one all of the above really. One that i havent seen a lot of people talk about is 12. She would constantly pick the very best behaviours or abilities of other males i mean their very best and i would have to measure up to all of them which now i see as just ridiculous but at the time it was just awful for me but literaly all of those things plus extremely explosive behaviour when a story or narrative she created had come undone
Most important rule: if she's white...
Just come out of a relationship where a lot of this is relatable. She actually left me as well. Never been so confused and worn out in my entire life and it wasn’t until I was out of the toxic bubble that I could clearly see what was going on. Dodged a bullet, feel sorry for the next guy.
I've been there
Same
no guy will ever be good enough. they are never yours just your turn
Me too
I just got out of one myself. Trippy. Everyone thinks that I am the fucker.
Listen to your gut. Trauma bonding to a female narcissist is very hard to break away from. My ex narc was obsessed with external male validation, and loved to stonewall and gaslight when you tried to bring up boundaries. On the phone checking, I actually did this to prove she was lying, which turned out to be true, but I was the one in the wrong, even though I confessed to it because I genuinely felt awful. They make you feel crazy and you’ll end up losing your sanity if you stay in their web of chaos.
i'm sure you confessed or rather abdicated because you just couldn't take their relentless arguing and attacking, accusing, blameshifting, gaslighting, projecting etc....
Ahhh, yes....the web of chaos. Been there. I felt trapped with NO way out.
I saw a message reply pop up walking past her phone late at night from a guy from the past. They had an on and off affair, and he was supposedly an ahole. I opened her phone and there they were, messages between them throughout my relationship with her as well as through her last relationship. Says she doesn't know why she did it.
@@andrewh8865No accountability.
20 years of hell…
If you know someone like this, run and don't look back.
Good advice.
Yes, her name is Trish Foster
@@JB111-b4d praying for your mental and heart healing and forgiveness.
😮🎉😮🎉😮😮😮😮😮😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢0😢😢😢😢😮@BehindTheMaskJS2023😢😢
Jessica Orozco , SICK Creature
I had a friend like this. Long story short, everyone thinks I am the problem.
So true
It’s ok….your mental health is more important
My ex turned many others against me , including our children.
It doesn't matter. Your true character over time will win out. I have a friend in your situation. At first, the narcissist seemed credible, but over time, we all began to see who he really was. He never had me fooled in the first place though lol.
So true. I too had a friend that way. Horrible experience of my life. Never about Narcissism about that time. She just used my kindness, abused, exploited and now she is acting like we never knew each other. So much anger I had in my body when I figured out how I was targeted.
When your employee is a narcissist, it's a nightmare. When your boss is a narcissist, it's hell.
Yup their mess with your money too if they do payroll and claim it's an accident
...and God forbid that they end up in governments......oh wait....!
I once had a female narcissist as an employer. It was hell.
madam you actually missed one big point, majority of the time they practice selective amnesia like some information they forget and some information they clearly remember and playing victim and crying triggering the trauma bonding to the men they are in the relationship with
Man mine was like this. Made me think I was insane and made something up , luckily I had the receipts, texts she sent me. And when I showed her , she then got mad and said don’t pull up text anymore lol
@@PoyTroyi held the line until she started punching herself in the face. To ‘make me believe her’.
It's called disassociation
Hmm this explains a lot
I’m an empath man that been married to a female narcissist for 10 years and only realized she is a narcissistic after I’ve been told by two therapists! Seriously, it’s hell!🙏
Be very careful, they get off on others' pain. Watch your back.
@@romac9516so true… that was my conclusion too… Pure evil
Prayers for you brother
Good luck mate, don't let her know you know and be careful how you talk to. Journal..
Hey love you don’t know what your talking about regards to Ego?! Ego is important it closes the door on original pain from childhood until through strategy of say recognised approved step work with safe others you can deal with that painful childhood so your inner loving self can begin to connect to your True self… your Thinking - Feeling Brain . Ego just survival it automatically inhibits you closes doors to that pain until entirely ready to
I just ended a 6+ year friendship with a woman who has high narcissistic traits. It wasn’t an easy decision but it got to the point where I could no longer handle their toxic behavior any longer. I had to do what’s best for me and my mental wellbeing.
When the social worker told me I was an abused spouse I didn't believe her at first, I really thought I was the problem. Thanks for your videos, they are helping me understand what has been going on.
I’m now an expert on the subject: I went through it with a female narcissist for nine months! Heed my warning: it’s an absolute nightmare do not stay with your partner, run for the nearest exit as fast as you can. These videos are good because it gives you the clarity that you need to know exactly what’s going on
9 months does not make you an expert. Try it for 20, 30, 40, 50 years then maybe you'll understand it. If you have kids with her you're screwed because the courts will keep you in contact with each other until someone, most likely the male, goes to jail. However you are right to run. I suggest MGTOW.
When I asked her " what she contributed to our break up" absolutely nothing was her response.
LOL, my Ex said this about his last relationship. I should have ran for the hills!!
Remember these gals are queens (perfect) and have been delusional conditioned.
I went through that. When I told her I put more effort (18 months) into the relationship then my past marriage (17 years). She said " what effort ?" That was hurtful.
samee
My narc gave me the exact same response.
This is a superb breakdown by Dr. Becky! I would add one other sign from personal experience: covert female narcissists hold a grudge for as long as it takes for payback; days, weeks, months. They are so vindictive!
Thanks so much.
Thank you for this, I was with her for ten years, and the worst part about it is I was I love with a lie the whole time 😢
If you think THEY are the one that "made' you feel then you are still under their control/spell, you're still wrapped up in their neverending inner delusions/dar-kness, and you learned nothing. The truth is, you were loving YOURSELF the entire time you were interacting with them as they were doing nothing more than mirroring you, there is nobody inside them in the first place, therefore there was nobody for you to love but yourself (as they themselves are incapable of true empathy/love).
Stating that they made you feel is like saying an empty robot made you feel, or an empty soda can made you feel. And in the same way it's completely ridiculous to think a Narc made you feel anything...As they were doing nothing more than mirroring you in the beginning. Based on a lie and you cannot truly feel for lies.
They are completely incapable of processing their emotions, they don't know how to. And that is why when you state that you love them they greatly resent it, they turn you into an enemy and play their games. Because inside they ask themselves- " how can you possibly love this ? '
Unless you get over these massive hurdles and understand the bigger picture of Universal spiritual truths in your relationships then you will never be the truly empathic powerful loving spirit being you truly are to love the world/heal the world. . .
Ignore the other reply. I'm sorry you went through that, I wish you the best in recovery. 🙃
Same brother i served 8 year's, ultimately i ended up discarding her, we have a 4 year old boy together so she still makes me miserable
@@robertdemeter5793 Wow...👏🏽👏🏽
This is so like my mother and sister in law and my brother as well. It's a complicated life😢
My ex caused me a serious injury that I have been struggling with for the last 2 years from the complications of it , she however within a couple of months started to treat me with so much disgust that I was not healing and her facial expression was so painful to see that I had to stop talking with her and it was like good riddance for her as she never wanted to address my feelings that I was having with her callous behavior
One thing to remind the people dealing with this is to heal the part of yourself that feels the need to people please, be co dependant, or lack strong boundaries. These type of people need you to unconsciously accept them. YOU must agree to their terms for it to work. So before you consider another relationship. KNOW your terms. What will you immediately walk away from? What are your boundaries? Are you fulfilling all your needs or have you left a hole for them to fill with fantasies? Also that braid is bad ass Dr.Spelman! Great vid!
try all of this with the layer of alcoholism.
And being 51 and menopausal
@@allans7281 she is 48 now . was a nightmare. still hooks up with younger guys. met one at rehab .
Yes!!! The alcohol abuse.
Excellent video! I went No Contact for a year after thinking I might be dealing with one, possibly. She checked every one. But, that's my opinion. However, during the No Contact, she contacted me two days after my birthday to inform me that I was worthless and not worth remembering the actual day. She then blocked me again, before I could respond.
Thank you for making this video, I don't advocate for labeling either, I think its used too frequently and thrown around too easily. But I do advocate for observing patterns of behavior.
Thank you for sharing this and I am sorry to hear you went through this.
My wife is a textbook narcassist...right down to the last letter. Its absolutely nauseating and I would make a runner but there is children involved.
It's better for the children if they don't have to grow up with a narcissistic mother. But of course, if she would get the custody, it's even worse for them.
Understand how your wife is most likely cheating on you.
Been there. Done that......run!!!!
Get a lawyer, then get out. Don't tell the narcissist before filing. They will do anything to get the kids, including using the time to frame you for a crime as they want the children to maintain their image as a great parent.
I feel your pain. Im in the same boat. It is extremely hard.
They are really difficult to deal with. Wounded children. Do not commit to one
Awesome content! ❤❤The end game seems to let you down when you need them most. 😢
So true.
Whenever i see a good video about narcissism i leave some of the quotes of my ex there. "Noone can tell me anything, cause noone has my experience" "one could say I am holy" "you think you can compare to someone like me hahaha?" "People like you need to be hated so they learn" "one more word and you will loose your teeth". Was the reaction to feedback. And yeah she was the sweetest person in the beginning with a bible under her cushion. Her triggered rage scared the hell out of me. Combined with the sudden grandiosity I think she is able to do anything to someone and it will never be her fault. She even twisted reality to suit her own narrative. Something just happened and it was the opposite in her mind. You cannot change or help them. Just run.
Wow thanks for sharing this, the quotes are both hilarious and horrifying, sorry that you had to experience that.
@@dr.beckyspelman yeah exactly sometimes I did not know if she was serious in the beginning. Later she raged for up to two weeks after the slightest critique. She called it "endless rage" and thought it is normal. It was insane. She transformed into a witch. It got worse and worse and worse. I ended it once the rage was unbearable. One of the first things that irritated me so much was : in one of our first longer conversations we where talking two hours. And I tried to start a sentence about 10 times and she just interrupted me and talked over me. I was speechless cause I never saw anything like it. I could talk maybe 5 minutes in these two hours. Then she said "did your mother not tell you don't interrupt people like that. You also talk too much.". And she had some strange smile while saying that. I said "are you serious ?" And laughed. I told her she interrupted me all the time and I could barely finish a sentence. She just kept on smiling. That should have been a huge red flag. Now I know better thanks to channels like yours. So thanks for listening and thanks for what you do ! All the best :)
@@hedonismbot3274 Wow what a deeply unaware individual, you must have felt bad in her presence so often.
@@dr.beckyspelman yeah it costs so much energy trying to tame someone that is always going crazy. And the devaluation phase was also pretty hard on my self esteem. Suddenly everything so great about me was the opposite. But you know I am happy I learned so much about this because of channels like yours. It will be helpful in understanding others and also in avoiding the wrong people. Thanks again !
That's really interesting! I had a narc boyfriend when I was in my late teens. Over time all the young people in our town that we hung around with started to realise what he was like. He said something similar along the lines of that he deliberately did things so that people hated him so they would learn and grow from him and that it was for a greater good long term. He eventually moved country, probably because he knew he'd burned his bridges with everyone.
An excellent spotlight on narcissism, particularly the covert, vulnerable type. 20 years with one to my shame! I got the initial ' love bombing' start quickly followed by the devaluation treatment. Typical textbook stuff like they all take a college course and graduate with a diploma in torturing people. The trauma bond is the only true connection you share, not a genuine mutual, reciprocal relationship at all. Leaving is like launching into space! It need tremendous power to overcome that gravity pulling you back down. It's really rocket science to break free as you may feel love bonds and or feelings of guilt, shame or just not wanting to throw away years you've invested in having a life /future together. Whether you go or stay It's always over anyway! Because you can't unknow what you've learnt and seen behind the mask they wear. You simply take whats good and emotionally leave the rest. Have no expectations of them changing, stop trying to fix things, stop reacting to their triggering you and enforce your boundaries more. It's a bit like dealing with stroppy children and having to ignore the tantrums and sulks. Children go through a self centered phase but grow up wherase covert narcissists don't grow up emotionally ( in my experience) I still watch narc videos only to stay grounded. Your video is one of the best I've seen and is the one I wish I'd seen long ago. Stay strong if in such relationships ❤
Good one.Thanx for sharing!👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾💪🏾
I can relate to what you wrote its been absolutely soul destroying and emotionally draining. Also lol on your analogy of leaving is like launching into space. So true breaking free of the gravity of guilt and shame and the trauma bond. I agree, at this stage it over regardless.
I remember you made a video called "How to have empathy for a narcissist". I watched (and listen to) it today. Thank you!
Oh that’s for watching some of my past content.
Becky, You have no clue how many people come to Ayahuasca ceremonies who've been completely traumatized by narcissistic abuse (mostly men as false society has trumpeted the "modern woman" of being a cold, cruel, calculated parasitic snake as if they're some sort of endearing attributes, lol !). And in the ceremonies they get all the truthful answers and infinitely more than they were initially looking for (spiritually speaking). I was just in a ceremony a few nights ago where 6 of the 17 participants were men and came to the ceremony because they have been completely depleted by their female narcissist partner...and Since eye am an expert on the subject Mama Ayahuasca and I healed them all in spectacular fashion far beyond any words can describe..You're doing an outstanding job raising awareness ! Much love !! You're a Spiritual Warrior my friend !! : - )
Your observation is truly fascinating to read, very glad you shared that. I'm a gay bloke and 50% of my straight male friends are shells of themselves having been hollowed out over many years.
@@romac9516 Doesn't matter if you're gay, how you look, what color you are, and all the nonsense of human judgment of stupidity. The universe of spirit only cares about your heart and if you inhabit the love, courage, and action to go deep within you millions of times deeper within yourself with Ayahuasca that the ego-mind is terrified of going (narcissists cant go within imprisoned by the dark mind), hence why every religion on the planet states the kingdom of god/universe/heavens/nature/spirit is all WITHIN you... With that said, much love brother !! I know what I say as eye have sat in hundreds of ayahuasca ceremonies with thousands of people from all over the world, and from all cultures...some gay, mostly straight..and none of that matters.. Can you go deep within is ALL that matters ...screw sexual orientation all all that human nonsense. Much love !!
I understand where you are coming from, but it is not loving to affirm sin. I understand you come from a «new age» mindset, nut there is only one true God! He is the only one who define love and moral, but people are seeking the things of this world and denie the real God of the bible, the real Christ Jesus, and make their own version of him. «New age Jesus» is demonic.
@@knockout4121 Nothing about Shamanism is "new age", Ayahuasca Shamanism is over 40.000 years old, by FAR the oldest and true original, hence why your criminal bible-writers had to CONTROL..as You had to steal 75 stories from us, and then twist/manipulate those stories to CONTROL...What's new age is your gov't written book of endless nonsense and self-hatred.
@@knockout4121 As of course, What's new age is your gov't written book of endless nonsense and self-hatred.
Think I can tick about six of these off the list, I new a female for a while even years actually and I can see now I've possibly been dealing with a narcissist, the only difficult part is that I liked them in a big way and now it's caused uneccessary things to happen. Thanks Dr Becky s this is good
Good to hear this and thanks for sharing.
Definitely my last gf. Very pretty, but wow she is one unfortunately. I feel bad for her and hope she gets help.😢 But she needs to stay the F away from me😂😂
Run 🏃♂️ for the hills and dont ignore the red flags the lack of empathy is a big red flag also pay attention to how they treat the wait staff at restaurants and bars 🍸 you can thank me later cheers
True...my ex was rude to waitresses and waiters. There was always something wrong with the food or service. She had to complain or write complaints most the time!😮
I love wait staff.
Bro, I passed on a good looking girl last week bc of the way she treated the servers.
Thank you in particular for the disclaimer at the end.I agree a lot of these terms are way overused, and as you said, we all have some or all of these traits at different times.
Honestly all these examples could be applied also to adhd people, to dismissive avoidants, people with childhood trauma that resulted in low confidence, trust issues and low self worth... So Having had a narcissist mother there's quite more to narcissm and that these traits in this video aren't really a bullet proof list like it sounds...
The be all, end all is the total inability to have empathy! The other things are just common characteristics of the narcissist....
Empathy isn't enough. Sociopaths have empathy they just don't care about it @@trailerparkcryptoking5213
My son has ADHD. He is highly empathetic. You can say he feels emotions way too strong.
Well 13/13, don't know what to think, however i already started packing my things yesterday so thanks for confirming my suspicions about this.
Bro; I packed my shit last week! Actually she threw my shit in trash bags. She fucked w/ my head
Sooooo.... I was dating someone and I opened up to her about how I have low self-esteem about my looks because you know, emotional intimacy, blah, blah, blah... She eventually told her it (my low self-esteem over my looks) "discusses" her (that's "disgusts" in literary-speech). I realize that when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Narcs actually go around the world feeling and or trying to take what others have built if your an honest person, who finds healthy ways of having self compassion, healthy boundaries, and choosing safe enough connection, working for yourself your goals, advocating for your needs and taking your space in the world, your an empath with healthy boundaries cause narcs dont really work for things they just think they're entitled to them, so it s good to have boundaries and let good people into my circle and keep choosing safe enough connection and taking up my space in the world im worth it in a good way were worth it.
I was in a relationship for 15 years with someone with this kind of behaviour, but I managed to get out of the situation and I decided not speak with the person ever again, and I haven’t done so for the past 12 years, and I am feeling good in the last couple years I mean emotionally with that person around me.
Watching your video I can say was 100% what I had to support, and thank for the video because I can now see bit more about the true.
The person also according to the medical experts suffer from Bipolar Disorder, but after seeing your video I do believe she suffer of narcissistic disorder there is no doubt.
Your video was very helpful thank you.
Thanks for sharing and sorry you had your experience all that.
Yo, I’m going through the same shit rn! It’s been a month since I left my soon to be ex wife. We’re together for 10 total years. I honestly feel better but damn she fucked up my head bro. I’m the complete opposite of her. I’m a happy , grateful person and an optimistic person she was the opposite. She was super manipulative playing the victim never took accountability for shit and lacked empathy I never put 2 and 2 together that she was a narcissist. I told her everything the last day exactly how I felt and the path is choosing to go w/ her single hoe friends and she gonna fall right behind them. I even was suspicious that she had sex w/ someone with in the 1st 5 days of calling it quits for the last time. She came back super drained low energy and she caught a cold ( bodily fluids) . And I called her out and she got super defensive. I know she did bc of the ppl she hangs out w/ and his mental illness. Ppl like her w/ PD and other mental illnesses are sexually active bc it fills an empty space in their heart 😊
I have two sisters like this and I broke away. I couldn’t be happier.
My twin sister. I was in the black and white box all my life. I waited for the white box and the black box was hell.. i was always open and excepting of when the great version would be switched on.. she would steal my friends and turn them against me while spreading lies about me my whole life.. its sad because part of me still wants a relationship with her. My arms are always open. But the pain of it all haunts me.. i was always in a loosing battle. I never really stood up or confronted the lies. It almost wasnt worth it so id just try be and make new friends in school or work . My group did get smaller. Then i moved away.. its really sad and unfair and i hate that it has to be this way !!! I think she is a very lucky person with friends from when she was a young teenager in her life now. A very kind caring son a patient partner a beautiful home.. its sad to see her destruct things around her.. i keep my distance but will always answer that phonecall in her drunken state.. get realed in again and then im in, i reach out the following day to communicate to be ignored again.. I'll try this for a while till I get the hint again.
Unfortunately, my mom has at least 8 of those signs, i am trying to avoid her as much a spossible now, im tired of her lack of accountability and manipulative behavior
And ohhh, she doenst respect my boundaries at all..
Thanks for your educational experience and resources. God-bless.
I find the biggest sign of a female narcissist is that they call everyone else narcissists.
Exactly! Just found out the woman I'm in a relationship with. Has OCD and more than likely OCPD too . Oddly enough she accuses me of being a Narcissist all the time even though I bend over backwards for her irrational demands all the time . She also has many of these signs I've observed.
@@KS-lb1tumy ex too
A narcissist calling me a narcissist
Unbelievable!😮
Thank you. Very helpful. Especially the simple description of “ someone who has difficulty seeing another’s perspective. Yes the term narcissist is used too readily today. Thank you dr
This was very informative. You put them right out there. Thank you. 😊
Thanks for spending the time to create and share this content awareness 🙏🏾
Zoom in on the eyes, dead in the eyes. Lifeless. Dead.
Look for this sign to begin with.
True
This advise is spot on and the first thing I look for. It's not just a stereotype and I've encounters it enough to just run away from it as well as their responses.
They are hell to deal with and give zero back
Had a child with one over 30yrs ago, the madness never stops it's relentless 😢
clear and concise with care. Thanks Bec. ♥
You're so welcome!
The nice guy trope tends to make people think that any nice person is always being shady. What's the difference between niceness and kindness.
My ex gf from France, Sandy Patou ticks every box on your list. I walked out on the 10th Jan this year as I couldn’t handle the abuse and mental torture any more. I name the person as people online believe the projection that she is beautiful, funny and a wonderful human being but the reality is she is a human wrecking ball of peoples lives. I’ve even now made friends with her ex bf before me as she triangulated us in the early stages of my relationship with her. A few days after I walked out on her on the 10th January she had her next victim from the USA. Unfortunately these people are among us and need calling out as they do huge damage to peoples lives
I love how you named her. 😅 I went through the same relationship. I left my parallel relationship 2 weeks ago. These type of people ruin lives and don't take accountability for anything weather it's something small or something huge.
My ex is hitting every number. Especially #7. She raged on me when she left. I came home to a couch on fire in yard broken glass broken guitar, door, windows. It completely blind sided me that this sweet woman who is loved by so many in the community could be the extreme opposite to me.
Man... This is so bang on 😮😢 me and my trauma bonds 😂
Hello!
Thank you very much for talking about this. Good idea!
Glad you like it.
@@dr.beckyspelmanI do 🙂
And that's great, because I wanted you to make a video about it but I didn't even have to ask you because, obviously, you read my mind, my thoughts 😄
I was doing something but I immediately stopped doing what I was doing just to watch (and listen to) this video. Thanks again!
Dealt with someone like this, just leave and dont look back
Awesome way to uncover this type of individual! Just came out of this type of relationship
Sorry to hear this.
Number 10 I can relate with in terms of previous experience with such a narcissist - they overstep boundaries for example trying to micro-manage you or going through your things, and when confronting them about it, their excuse would be something in the line of "oh but I just did it because I care about you", or "it's part of my love language"" - the latter excuse literally got told to me by the narc in my life, I was gobsmacked when I heard such drivel
Her dad spoiled her so like she is still the same big baby as before
I actually already knew these because I was raised by one but good to have the confirmation 🙃
Mine has just let me go after 5 years,i was on the receiving end of most of these behaviours 😢it still hurts so bad but after reading and watching alot about narcissists this last few days i know in the long run i will be better off without her. I tried so hard to help her but everything was my fault 😢
Sign #13 hits hardest (among the several others) for me. Living these last 20 years with my narc wife is akin to navigating a minefield with pogo stick blindfolded. The situations that could easily set her off are too many to count. Two common examples include telling her things like "no" or "I disagree"; which she considered abusive.
Sorry to hear you’ve been in this type of situation.
@@dr.beckyspelman Thank you doc. I'm trying to figure out an escape plan. Thank you also for your videos.
good video. I thought there was some borderline behavior to but those are narcissists. Definitely a good list
Hi!
(my usual language is French)
The DSM (=Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is kind of the psychiatrist's bible (at least in the States but we also use it in Switzerland).
In the DSM, their are several Clusters.
In the Cluster B, we find:
- Antisocial Personality Disorder (psycopaths and sociopaths)
- Narcissistic Personaliy Disorder (=NPD)
- Borderline " " (BPD)
- Histrionic " " (HPD)
There are often overlaps in these disorders. For example all psychopaths are (also) narcissists. You can be "X" with traits of "Y"...
I come from a family full of "Cluster B" persons.
It took me a lot of time to tell them apart.
But well, I like psychology so it was very interesting.
Saludos from Switzerland! 🙂
@@TriniStarr3527 Merci. I've studied cluster b a lot. I'm very aware of the overlap and it takes a lot of observation and time to really understand what the cluster of symptoms most resembles but they can even be comorbid! I feel for you coming from a family of cluster b's. I married into a family of them and becoming aware of them has made me aware of some that trend that way in my FOO
@@jamesp5301
Avec plaisir 🙂
Exactely!
I married an overt/grandiose narcissist.
It was only when, around 1999, after seing a psychiatrist whom told me I was OK and wanted to see my now ex husband that I started understanding.
My ex husband accepted (wow! I was very amazed) and we went 3 times to my psychiatrist. In private, my psy told me I was married to a narcissist and gave the name of a book (in French). I bought it and read it secretly.
I managed to escape, me, my children and the cat, with the permission of a Judge in 2003.
Later on, much more information was available and that is how I started to understand where I came from...
Now, I am in peace, live alone and have a passion for psychology.
I wish you the best.
I have watched many of these videos and has explained a lot of things in my life. It is always said that they had a hard life but the people that have most of these traits are only children that was spoiled growing up.
Disagree I am the only child yet I am a Empath . My ex who was the oldest in her family has 2 brothers & 2 sisters and she was a big time Narc.
great research study. it's sad when . Yes they change. with time you need not look too far just a little before your nose you will see it. Isn't it their ego that ruins theeir future?
I've been hurting for so long, I didn't have a mother that loved me or was ever really in my life, I was raised by a single father, a very good man. Ive had a yearning for being loved that I have always been very easy going. I couldn't understand why I was always feeling like I'm always the one who is doing something wrong, to rephrase why my wife always made me feel that way. I'm not a dead beat, I work always have since I was in 6th grade, I support my family, I was a veteran in the Army, served in Iraq for two years out of my six year enlistment. I continue to serve both my family and country in law enforcement. I don't lay on a couch watching RUclips videos unless I want to learn how to change a filter or fix a pipe. Watching this video and reading some comments made me so unbearably sad, it's difficult to type this, my wife meets the criteria for all of it. She's very intelligent, so making sense of it and connecting it has been difficult. I just want to be happy and for everyone else in my life to be happy. Thank you, I know that this isn't gonna be a fixable problem, but at least I know now that Im not some subtlety made worthless individual. I have worth.
Very accurate. Bless You 🌤️
The eyes. The eyes. Has there ever been an independent study of taking women with the eyes and see if they are good hearted empathetic females that have that deer in the headlight ghostly stare? this way they are discriminated against. Also how often do female narcissist not have that gaze.
'Direct communication didn't work.' Interesting. Makes perfect sense.
Becky! Thank you so so much for helping me verify a situation with my roommates girlfriend... Both of them are Narcissist and pulling each other done to the 9th level of hell... thank you for talking about this problem.
Hey there, as someone who *might* have NPD I would say don't walk away please..
YOU SHOULD RUN INSTEAD!! YEAH I MEAN RUN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BEFORE IT'S TO LATE! NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE CAN CHANGE THEMSELVES, BUT YOU CAN'T, SO RUNN!!
Edit : please correct me if there's some mistake in my grammar
This was very informative, thank you! How many of the signs/red flags would you say could constitute a narcissist? (assuming there’s no neurodivergent contributing factors)
Glad you found the video helpful. It’s just about their general lack of empathy and lack of ability to see other people’s perspectives really.
@@dr.beckyspelman thank you 💜🙏
I was born from a natcissitic family. Married one ,I had a breakdown .I didnt know who I was anymore or who I was supossed to be. I had inheritted some narcissistic traits that ,I am now getting my mjnd renewed. My mum was constantly putting me down and I was constantly trying to buy her love until she dued 7 years ago .My mum was so controlling and I did not see it until later. If I try to run away from her. She will cry and tell everyone that I am a bad person. Now I left my ex and it was very dangerous to leave I survuved still picking up the peaces and finding my identiy .
My mother in law is a covert narc, plays the victim and lies consistently. She is a martyr, highly sensitive and defensive.Talks over you and has become more racist and can't stop complaining every year. My wife still believes she has mental health issues, my gut feeling doesn't believe it. Toxic energy and I feel sick when I am around her 😞
I am in that very situation. One of my co-workers turns out to have highly narcissistic traits. The constant mood swings, lack of empathy, self-centered, push and pull games...it all makes sense now. I liked her from the beginning, even told her although I always felt something is way off. She took me for granted. One day she was hot, next day cold. Very moody, would give me her biggest fake smiles but never really address the issue. I felt constantly drained and confused, even started crying because of some stupid woman.
After 8 months I finally pulled away for good. I just feel sad and empty. And the worst she noticed and is trying to pull me back in. It's all a game to her. I can't even describe my disgust for her. Thankfully it's just a few more days I have to deal with her.
Im on a binge watching mode trying to confirm if I’m the narc…because I would get so cold and angry at the constant need for attention…These people are like walking wounds…
Like I have an ego if I’m being accused of something I’m not I am going to get angry after a while and when it’s everyday I ended up having PTSD after being cruel and mean to the person always criticizing and talking about her needs because I actually did love her..
She finally discarded me after 2 yrs of me breaking up with her after every fight and taking her back because I hated myself for being so mean and defensive to her…
Well 2 weeks after she already has another man in her life and she’s saying she’s been happier in those 2 weeks than 2 yrs with me…
She now used me losing my shit on her as me being the narc and evil one…
I'm am going through the exact same thing as you now mate. She ended things last Saturday without wanting to talk and have clarity and closure on things. By Tuesday she had deleted all of our pictures together on social media and declared herself single to everyone 😢 the day after she sent me a massive text about how I've been this great father figure to her son (who I love very much) and she wants me still to be in his life but I know deep down this is going to be very hard to do due to her constant gaslighting and mind games 😢just like you I actually loved her so much and once we got engaged the narcissistic traits just got turned up even more and I didnt understand what was happening it was all very sad. I also kept ending the relationship after arguments and constantly going back because I was always told it was my fault and I always felt guilty about it. She would use her son as a weapon aswell which kills me!! I think deep down all her family know what she's like because a few years ago when I was allowed to go to the pub with my mates I bumped into her slightly younger sister and she gave me a big hug and told me " To have a ABIT of patience with my sister" Those words have haunted me since she said it about 3 years ago I know now what she finally means 😢
Dr Ramani has just done a video saying as high as 1 in 6 people are narcissists! Soooo its actually under used! We'll all know them. Especially female Narcissists when we get close. They are always so nice to outsiders!
You on Point Dr. Becky!😮
Great Information.
Very well put and insightful.
The label ist 100% justified and people who tell me otherwise are most often narcissists and later dumped by me. So yea using this label is 100% right for those who deserve it.
healthy self care is having self compassion , healthy boundaries advocating for my needs in healthy ways and choosing safe enough connection where I can share my true self and get my needs for connection met im worth it , in a good way were worth it. Dont let anyone, male or female / try to dim your light just cause they're jealous, have healthy boundaries and shine my true self im worth it in a good way were worth it . Cheers fellow travelers. And find accounts and places you resonate with . And that are safe enough were worth it.
How can narcissists be jealous when they only think of themselves ??
Took me almost 13 years to realize my partner does each and every one of these 13 signs
Same bro! I left last month and I’m just now seeing it. I thought it was her PD , no she’s a narcissistic. She has zero empathy
This needs to be promoted 💯
Only way is LEAVE the woman and stay away from her. No other decision is best.
I have only come to realize that I am a walking, breathing source of supply. It’s a curse that leads me to believe that perhaps it’s just better for me to be alone. 30+ years of codependency and manipulation has taught me a true life lesson that I accept like a gift of an empty box
They have a double standard which I remember when you mentioned checking out once’s cellphone and boundaries.
Thanks for this video and especially your ending note. Totally agree! Most videos on RUclips about narcism are so black and white.
You nailed it!
You explain everything so well!
I needed this video 30 years ago. 😂 Laughing to keep from crying.
I can add a couple more to your list: triangulation and constantly moving goal posts. 2 years out of a "relationship" with a text book narc, and she used these 2 tactics frequently, as well as literally every other on your list.
Oh, the triangulation. Ugh.
@@jvizzie1033yup..my did it...and actually wanted to be married two nites a week..good riddance
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY When I actually heard what triangulation was it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like damn, that’s what she was doing. It drove me insane.
@@jvizzie1033 ya gotta just move on..time makes it go away..2.5 yrs later I am good now
Almost married the narc i am blessed to have seen the light She almost broke Met up with all my frieds i intro to her Did the stuff i didnt like jealous making flirting lies inconsistency it is just chaos with a narc Run as fast as u can u cant build a future with her
I hope her end point is taken seriously by more people. So many people are quick to label others a narcissist without knowing all that NPD entails.
Absolutely, it's crucial to approach discussions about narcissism and personality disorders with care and understanding. Labeling someone as a narcissist based solely on certain behaviors can be misleading and oversimplifies the complexity of mental health conditions.
This is most women!! As men We are totally screwed 🤦♂️
I wish i knew this before i sacrificed my sanity for my last two exs. They literally drove me to the point where i sought counseling and was questioning myself if i was a narcissist (turns out i wasnt from what my therapist said thats a woman and my constant behavior of putting myself last which is the complete opposite of a narcissist)
What does it mean if I am attracted to this kind of women? Logically, I don't like the delusional aspects of it and I also don't like the lack of concern for others. But I am willing to ignore it. Because I find the confidence and bossiness attractive, and I am willing to pretend its justified. As in they are confident and bossy because they are super smart and just know better.
I had a person who I thought was a friend. She wanted her brother to live in my house but since I'm a female and don't know her brother other than what she told me which is, that he's unemployed, a recovering alcoholic (8 months sober and according to her, he's been drinking since he was about 13 and he's in his late 50's), she told me he has a DUI, smokes, doesn't drive and who knows what else is going on with him, I felt extremely uncomfortable with this and felt it was wrong. I did find a men's recovery group that would take him but she didn't seem interested and became very cold and hostile and doesn't want any contact with me. I think it's for the best.
Seems she pretended to be a friend so she could use you and dump her POS brother on you.
So many videos I seen like this one are so accurate but for the lack of empathy statement. I think there is a level of empathy but serious lack of compassion. Maybe my autism takes things literally . But some better explanation of the empathy might help please. Thank you for the video. The trauma bonding is insane and therapy is worth considering. PTSD can also be a big thing.
Youre right, so sad she caused so much pain.
My ex was a narcissist… I confronted her several times about some behaviours and the world blew up!
When I said she even had traits of narcissism all hell broke loose.
These people can be great but need to be checked constantly!!!
In my opinion, they are only great during the love bombing phase or when they are trying to hoover you back under their control. Any other time they are mediocre and a big share of the time very difficult to be around. There is always some difficulty or fire that needs to be put out. Going to restaurants is usually always difficult as they seem to think the waiter and especially waitress is paying more attention to you and giving them the aditude and/or stink eye. That's how mine always acted, everyone was against her and giving me the google eyes as she would call it, even though I know that I am nothing special. I'm not rich, young, good looking, no six pack, etc. Just an average Joe as one would say. I do talk to people the same way that I would like to be treated, with respect and kindness; something that she seems to lack so often.
Sorry to hear that brother but we live, we learn and we move on!