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@@LyndaHill it's an interesting movie and concept I've been researching narcissists for about 11 years and it seems like them a lot. They always blame someone else.
@@LyndaHill and then if you watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I think Dorian Gray was in that too. I've got a handful of birthdays to get where you are
@@Blessed1283Yep. You just have to pretend. But be careful of the "families are forever no matter what" people who shame you for not having a good family. They are also unhealthy usually and either accept abuse themselves or will expect to be allowed to emotionally abuse you.
@@Blessed1283 I tell people my parents are dead and I have so siblings. It stops ALL the judgment and BS before it begins. There is no need to carry any part of your toxic family story into new relationships. Save talk of them for your therapist and let your new relationships form without the shadow of your toxic family.
@@Gemmarose9012Yeah. In a realistic way they are passed on. You have the right to say no to anybody that you don't want in you life. It's just a permanent boundary.
That's what usually happens,until they re- group and choose the next scapegoat. I've been no contact for almost 25 years, so I don't know who took that role, or whatever may have happened during the years, and I'm not interested in finding out ! 😊
Yes I’ve noticed they tend to turn on each other. I’m scared i might be next. First it was my mom, then my dad and my brother was the one doing the turning on. My dad and brother turned on my mom. Then my brother turned on my dad. They might turn on me next if they haven’t already.
After my mum died who I hadn't seen for 7 years I broke no contact to see my dad, don't do that trust me , but i did find out he was a narcissist too, I thought it was just mum and so was one of my sisters who is now not so invisible, she was the invisible child growing up, because dad needs her now mums gone and she's been given the you will now look after me role that he gave our mum. Anyway I found out that the oldest sister had taken over the role as the scapegoat and my dad said " see your not the only one who's been ostracised " like it was normal to do that to your kids. My parents loved to divide and conquer us sibling's and the liars he tells is incredible, I left and im no contact again. You can not in anyway under any circumstances have a relationship with people like this, their bat shit crazy but like to make you think you are.
@@HeartFeltGesture I think we both know it was a complement to OP and that when I wrote that initially no one had yet responded. I'm not going to make a crack at your handle.
@@HeartFeltGesture are you just trolling all the family scapegoats in a bid to increase therapy bills. Are you secretly a therapist? Maybe just a disgruntled pelican causing trouble either way stop bullying me -thanks
Super quick for those of you with no time today: 1. I think about it less. I'm triggered less. It's just not as important. I am gaining distance from the family or of the role of scapegoat. 2. I feel more normal. I can see more of the family distortion, gaslighting and scapegoating behavior. I know their depiction of me isn't true. 3. I am criticizing my family less. I am no longer so obsessed with their behavior toward me. 4. I can see that my family members are caught in their own distortions. Scapegoating me is a part of the dysfunctional system that they grew up in or became a part of. It is, therefore, less personal to me. 5.I understand that their emotional processing has to undergo a deep (probably unlikely) conversion before the scapegoating narrative (lies) will change. 6. I have facts others do not know and I don't feel defensive about people's view of me or their support of the scapegoating system I have been the subject of. 7. I see scapegoating as a role I was expected to play. It is not who I truly am. I'm starting to be bad at playing this role. Great video. Save it for later! Thank you Jerry.
What I hate is that the family feel they have to warn others about me. They have even turned my nieces and nephew against me and/or convinced them there is something mentally wrong with me. I do realize that they do this so if I should talk about what goes on in the family, and the truth about me, no one will believe it. Still hurts sometimes thinking of it. Anyway, thank you so much for the video!! So healing!
Exactly the same situation for me, I even knew not to bother to strive to be a great uncle, because it would be sabotaged. I could expect my niece and nephew to be groomed to see and treat me as the scapegoat, the odd-ball nut-case with many issues, the one who is always trying to derail the family, just by being himself. It is hurtful beyond measure to realize this about our family and begin to wake up. A storm of emotions needs to be felt through, until one day that break in the clouds comes, and the sunshine booms on through and fill us with Light again. Those bastards made us forget for a while, they derailed us, made us forget who we really are, before the scapegoat costume was forced on us, but the Truth always has a way of finding those that thirst for it. Not just the truth of any particular situation, but the Truth of Reality Itself, the context of Existence. Enlightenment.
I'm right there with you. Can't talk to any family at all they have been "informed" of my "mental problems". It really does make you feel crappy but it is what it is.
After 45 years of dealing with being Scapegoated I've come to realize that they have made their decisions and are not going to change. So I've gone No Contact and disowned them. I finally chose myself and my Healing Journey.
After about 55 years of being the scapegoat I went no contact several years ago. 5 years into no contact, I woke up this morning and it hit me that I no longer have to explain myself to them, or defend my choices. It's a good feeling 😊
I'm not at the celebratory level yet. I gotta confess, I really miss my family of origin. Not that horse crap, but the good stuff (if that's what it was.) I'm a senior, have lost my 3 vital lifelong mother-figures in the span of 2 years, and am lost without them. There WAS a time when the older half sibs & I were great, but the M-NPD birth unit put the kibosh on that thru the decades. I'm moving forward yet internally feels like emotional floundering. As designated scapegoat, the silent treatment of the past few years has taken a toll. Can't even believe I just said all this.
They do know you @mysteryGrey, you're more than likely the one who has a BIG heart, empathetic and full of passionate intensity about loving others, creative and with so many other qualities that they can NEVER even come close to having, so they are deeply jealous of you!!!
My sister and I were scapegoated and my sister killed herself because of it. I miss her everyday. I have a wonderful family now my husband and my kids. They love me and they don’t think I’m bad. I got to believe them and appreciate them and spend my energy on them. They need me and want me. I don’t really care about my mom and dad anymore.
That's terrible , but I can relate I have wanted to take my life many times in my life, im also an alcoholic. I was lucky to escape my family and go into recovery, 16 years sober now and no contact with any of my family. It's a cruel family to be born into and your very lucky to have a family who love you. I married a narcissist , had 2 kids, divorced him but its still so dysfunctional. I'm just glad im sober dealing with it all. ❤
Yep. I just don't care to talk to people who talk down to me and make me feel badly. They say it's my fault but I'm perfectly capable of maintaining mutually beneficial relationships with other people. So I just have to cut ties with them. They can think whatever they want about me, that's not my business.
I was gaslighted by my parents. They even brainwashed my siblings that I was a rebel. One sibling declared in front of my daughter and a relative that I was a rebel against a family. My siblings fell for it. I used to be anxious every time I visited them. I finally was able to understand that I had anxiety. I was disowned for speaking up about the unfairness. As an Asian woman, I was out of the norm. Asian women are taught to be subservient and obedient! I believe in unconditional love, and fairness as a child! Everyone else was afraid of speaking up even though they were all adults. I lost myself. I finally realized that I was right all along that I have a dysfunctional family and why I always feel less than. I am working on breaking free from that label. I realize now it is all societal beliefs and conditioning especially in Asian cultures. My parents were probably raised that way and didn't know any better. I felt for them. I learn to forgive and let go because keeping these negative emotions have harmed me and attracted similar circumstances. Yes, it was painful but it is now in the past! I am learning to be more compassionate! I invest a lot of money in neurofeedback to retrain my brain so I can relax. I wish peace and love to all on this journey of awakening!
Yes if you stand up for yourself you are the rebel and nasty person 👍I’ve had that this year I’m 55 next week enough is enough if I say anything it’s oh your grieving now as my dad my soulmate ❤died 12 months ago even using my dads death as to why I’m speaking up for myself ! I’m going minamal contact blood toxic lot need to back off and my dad passing has made me realise lifes to short for their shit show anymore leave me out of it. I need some peace for once and to work on myself ❤
My anxiety goes through the roof if I have to see them or my phone goes off if I see there name come up or a text message! I think it’s because I know its for them not to see how I am it’s their boredom and game playing.. oh I’ll ring or text lou see if I can be listened to ! Well no you can’t I’m ignoring you all get the message you bunch of narcs
You nailed it! I was the skapegoat and my sister was the golden child. I have been no contact for about 10 years. I got several messages from her recently, bringing up the same script from when I was a teenager. I am in my 60s and my sister is 2 years younger. The messages were so incoherent and disturbing. I played those messages to my therapist and she found it was shocking ramblings, as well. Our family was a classic example.
They can't stand it that YOU are ok inspite of all the abuse and theft and lies.... AND.... they STILL might be found out.... and YOU are still a good person ....it makes them insane....they know their day if reckoning is coming.....and YOU are out of the BS finally.
I feel like I'm here. Its gone on for too long that I don't have the energy or strength to fight it anymore. I'm 35, this has been my entire life. I'm exhausted.
Or if you are intelligent, or capable, or principled, or attractive, or possess any skill that the members of the narcissists' cabal may or may not. Any superlative(s) you have make you subject to constant ridicule, gaslighting and marginalizing, especially when other people notice your good qualities. And it gets worse when you use those qualities to empower or enable the narcissists. Everything you say or do can and will be misconstrued and used against you in all forums, public and private. I bore the brunt of our mother's privations for 54 years. As Mr. Wise says, I was the Coca Cola, and the role I was forced into was absurd.
Agree. And somehow ‘different’ in any other way - like being an adventurer. Seeker, gettin educated, being ‘hot’, being LGBT, and the biggest - being an independent thinker
@@MJ-qb5ph Yes, regrettably, the narcissist knows no boundaries, except for their own. So far, our mother was the most difficult case I've encountered, but one of the six of our parents' kids seems determined to eclipse her dubious status. The stories just might make your skin crawl.
I agree with you but that hate is extended beyond just the family. Perfect strangers can be against your creativity. There’s an element of jealousy there and the general dumbing down of society.
@@Joshdifferent Be encouraged Josh, God does have a people out there who will love you for you without harm, I am a living witness. When I typed out my statement, I was in a low place experiencing betrayal after betrayal but I had to go no contact with my blood family and let go. After freeing myself from the vicious cycle, I am finally able to embrace the family that I choose and they have my best interest at heart. The pain of this chapter of your life will not last forever and I am glad that you are still here.
"you're just after the money" Exactly what my sister said to me when, after my mother's death, I discovered she co-erced my mother to change her will and divert all my father's estate and my mother's estate to my sister leaving me with no inheritance from either. She had her own name put on all my mother's bank accounts for the ease of 'paying her bills'. Gradually she had all assets put in her own name. When I discovered what she had done she said "You're only after the money'. This behaviour is illegal where I live and ultimately her lawyer offered me a settlement to keep it out of court. While her behaviour still upsets me, I tell people I have no surviving family left. It's easier......
OMG! Going through similar situations with older golden child sister. I worry that this as well is her ultimate goal. Other siblings kind of decided to stay away from problems but I feel that toxic sis is doing this. She has also told people that I was after the money, getting parents to pay my bills when it was I who purchased most stuff in parents home.
@@luluramos2981 Try to prevent her from ever getting power of attorney. My sister kept wanting me to sign off on it and I refused but I don't know if she managed to get it without my signing it off.
My brother has done this. I know that he will inherit " the Earth " while me and my children will be disinherited for non-compliance with their narcissistic toxicity. I had no idea this was illegal in any way.
@@johedges5946 I live in Canada and in the province I live it is illegal. It very much matters where you live. It also depends on whether there has been abuse committed by parent or the offspring or any criminal activity. But where I live, a parent cannot just decide to disinherit their child just because they want to. Especially if that child has made every attempt to maintain a relationship. And of course it is illegal for one sibling to bully or coerce a parent to changing their will in their favour.
Same with me. I thought that finally, with the triangulation having stopped, we could connect at last. Nope. They have dug in their heels even stronger (ruled by Golden child sister, who grasped control over the family before the body even got cold).
Yes. I am definitely the least popular. I get talked down to and left out all the time. My parents have passed and we normally have Christmas and Thanksgiving at one of my sisters. Even though I am single I am choosing to stay home this year with my 4 legged family. They love me and I love them unconditionally. I have had enough
Fortunately I realised the craziness and cut them off from my life for many years. Also I am a Christian, and in God's eyes we are all equal. I believe narcs are distorted and wolves in sheep'sclothing.
Narcissists are the original wolves in sheeps clothing. Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Protect your heart. Good to hear you escaped.
Which is why I hate it when people say "they have such a good reputation. They must be good people" no they were just good at hiding their darkness from you
If your an adult and your still scapegoated by your family here’s how to stop it, you get a backbone and peace out ✌️…. Never let your family get away with it and still GET to be in your presence… My issue is, I’m scapegoated by my bosses, by my co workers, by the lady at the bank etc. it seems like it never stops. I walked away from my sick family, but it’s like I took it with me. It’s like I was the problem, and the abuse only gets worse and worse…
What sucks is I was a scapegoat as a child and now I am the scapegoat with my children. But, I am the only one who has sought to break the chains of dysfunction. The only one in recovery. Tragic for my grandchildren.
😢; I understand, I can't find any Podcasts that discuss a Mother as myself attempting as we speak to go No Contact with 2 of my 3 kids due to my ex (Their Narcissist Father; I left him). I woke up about 9 months ago. Now I am the truth teller and being told I have Bi-Polar and all of the typical distorting my reality accusations.
I'm going through exactly the same thing. My 4 grandchildren love me. My daughter is selfish. We have to let the child go and hope the grandchildren get in touch one day
They don’t even feel sorry for their actions. Just soulless beasts causing chaos on their own families. The Most High will make sure justice is served!
I feel like the narcissism started from my grandmother...And I was raised by abusive mother and aunt....And also I came to deal with other abusive women in my life.... Had a very very traumatic childhood...
Jerry, your videos have helped me on my healing journey. I came from a really screwed up family, EVERY video you put out, that's been my life. I have 5 young children and I am breaking those dysfunctional cycles. Thank you!
In the past 6 months I’ve come to realize that my father & siblings need me to remain in that scapegoat role. Well….NO!!! I’m healing, growing, thriving. So as I become my authentic self and they recoil at that, I leave them in the dust. This caterpillar, is breaking out and becoming a butterfly 🦋. Boundaries…yep!!! Abuse, no!!! I keep it light and fluffy now. Thank you for your work…it’s helping me become and embrace me ❤️🩷🫶🏽.
OMG! I'm in my 50s, and my mental health, and awareness are improving day after day. But my CPTSD still needs work. Looking through the rear view mirror, I see what My family did to put me in that place. I see their flaws now. I forgive them. I can't forget though. I am the one who decides how in my life they are. My BPD is no longer severe, my doctor tells me. The empty feeling is gone. I have a chosen family who won't abondon me. We shouldn't have children until we shed the fears and conditioning put on us by our dysfunctional families. We ought not put our traumas on our children.
I always called it Whipping Bow Syndrome. My brother is the Golden Boy who treats my parents like garbage and I, the caregiver, cant do anything right apparently. Haven't spoken to them since June. Still dealing with the guilt from that but overall its better for my mental health.
I’m talking about them less, cause I’m focused on me. Practicing self care, becoming my authentic self, appreciating my super powers-HSP Empath- and living my life. No longer just existing. All their dysfunction doesn’t matter to me as much any more. I set my boundaries and stand firm to not allow them to be trampled. My interactions with them is light and fluffy…nothing too deep.
I used to feel like I needed to defend myself and argue back and forth and prove myself. Now my reaction is "what does that got to do with me?" It isn't my problem nor my responsibility. My biological mother and foster mother use to guilt me for "not taking care of my little sister", and when I left for military they tried to guilt me saying "you left your sister". When I got to a point where I was healed, I flat out told them she isn't my responsibility, I'm not her mother, that's your responsibility. What you telling me for? Go do your job!" I never heard from them again.
I did the same. I told a narcissistic relative, "I am not your mother." Whoooo boy. She was LIVID. It was insane. I guess she really did think I was supposed to be her mom.... twisted thinking. I just can't understand. The projection.... it was insane. But yeah. I have three kids. I KNOW I am their mother. I am NOT any one else's mother. Knowing that truth, and saying it when I see a narc trying to guilt me into doing something I'm not responsible for is my new secret weapon. It's amazing how many people HATE when you put up that simple boundary.
My 2 siblings are still so programmed and in self aware. This is coming out more at the decline of my 2 parents going into assisted living. I’m the truth teller and still getting dismissed. Devalued. Disrespected. Gaslighting for sure by golden child. We are all 60. How dysfunctional. I see it all now. All my learning from you and others has been so enlightening.
After reading comments, i feel so better that i am not the only one whose going through all these things. There are many who suffers the same. And, whatever i think about abusers is true not my imagination. It's good to feel that we have community where we can share our thoughts. Because no one was their in our life who believes us.
My last convo with my mom she called me a crazy alcoholic. I have never once in my life touch alcohol. 🤦🏽♀️ Two months no contact. I feel guilty but I think time will heal me.
That's interesting one day while 'mother' was having a couple of beers, she told my SIL twice right in front of me that I would k!11 her for her money. When I would come to family gatherings, my father would say, oh, she's just sticking around for her inheritance. As if there weren't several other people there I came to see. Recently as of last week, my husband and I helped 'mother' out with yard work etc. all afternoon, then went out for a bite to eat. During dinner she made sure we knew just how much money she has and that we had better be nice. LOL Somewhere along the line I became this greedy person that I was never aware of and 'mother' really pushes this. How people don't see through this crap I'll never know. Then again maybe they do or hopefully will.
@@freedomwarrior5087 Yeah, my mother did the same thing with my dying dad. Telling him I was trying to control her. Straight out projection. Just as my dad was dying, she was trying to convince me to give her control over my bank account. The aging narcissistic parent is delusional. Paranoid. Scary. I also didn't realize, she'd been telling lies about me for decades. It explains all the weird behavior and comments from my relatives. I never would have thought my own mother would betray me like that. We are no-contact since my dad's death in January 2024. And after six months of completely ignoring me, she calls my husband out of the blue and tells him I need to contact her to help her extract money out of a bank account in my dad's name. She's so blatant. Doesn't even bother to hide her psychopathy anymore. Creepy as heck. No contact is survival. No money is worth putting up with that kind of disrespect and disregard. My kids deserve more care than she ever will.
One thing I am learning in recent months since I began to realize the dysfunction in my family is that the dysfunction stunts the growth of everyone. No one reaches their full potential. The dysfunction is treated like it is a normal part of life that just happens to everyone, when in reality it is a choice that does not need to happen! It took me until almost 40yrs old to see what was going on in my family of origin, and to begin truly separating myself from the nonsense as the scapegoat. I lost a lot of years. My goal is to fix this, and to make sure my son doesn't lose the years of his life that I lost to needless dysfunction. I want a good life for him that he chooses himself with critical thinking, healthy boundaries, and the freedom God intended for all of us to have. I could never imagine letting what happened to me happen to him.
Thank you for your videos! Ive been no contact for 5 years next month. And I've been sober over a year now! It was the hardest and best decision i ever made. Im just now seeing how much I've healed through your videos. Theres not a lot of people on RUclips talking about no contact so its been very confusing and lonely at times. I'm glad that you confirm that im really not crazy and me and my children deserve normal and unconditional love. I can honestly say i have ceased fighting everone and everything. People tell me how wonderful and kind I am, even strangers. Thats been the best validation for me. Thank you for creating this awareness. ❤
Well done 👍 and good for you I’m trying to stop drinking this year did 3 months and dad died my soul mate 12 months ago I’m back on the wagon and my toxic family don’t like it I’m going minimal contact but have 2 grandsons I love ❤️ so it’s hard my mom and daughter are narcissistic my mom has lots of influence on my daughter. They drain me mentally physically and emotionally I hate being in there company they trigger me and I loose it every time 🙄then they say get a grip! Love these videos and comments they are really helping! Good luck for you and your children ❤
It's amazing how strangers are nicer than your own family. I drank for 20 years because of all the abuse I went through but realized drinking was more self abuse. I've been sober for 20 years. I decided I wanted to live and not die. Life is pretty good now. Congrats.
What i hate the most is my entire family on both sides treat me as the scapegoat. And no matter what i say to any of them about how other family members hurt me , im just told " oh you know how (blank) is, you just have to ignore them" . The constant telling me to get over everyone elses hatefulness towards me. I hate them. I hate all of them. I hope ill never see them again.
The flying monkeys of the narc are often more damaging than the perp. For years I thought it was paranoia on my part, but no, she amped up the calumny for 2 years before she died, 2 years of bitterness and a mission to destroy all support for me from extended family and friends. It's a rebirth, to be free, in a new country, surrounded by people who know me, see me, support me, and visaversa.
Sometimes your so abused by family you don't even think of the term scapegoat,all I know is me and my younger sister messed up alot more than the older ones
I'm glad I found this stuff, because I took thing out on society. I really was angry. Alone. I would just walk in to stores with a bad attitude. I rarely do that now. I realized that if I make enemies everywhere I go I'm going surrounded, like be my own worst enemy. Hitler beat himself. Shot his alies in paranoid power grabs, My trama was effecting my ability to live.
Amazing video! This is where I am in my journey, a year ago I was in shambles but I can say I have truly grown. It has thrown everyone for a loop, going low to no contact, not sharing my goals dreams, not chasing and truly seeing myself for who I am. I feel more alive than I have in years.
I will never forget the day my mom & step dad tried to call me lazy and exploitive towards my now husband. That he was going out and working oh so hard but what was I doing??? Nothing in their eyes. I’m new to the idea that I may have been in a scapegoat role… it’s making so much make so much more sense. Especially the manipulation game my mom recently started playing.
I wasn't the scapegoat for my mom just so that she didn't feel any sort of undesirable feeling but to create a reaction from other people. I was/am her nemesis so that other people can feel sorry for her. I am her built-in bad person so that other people will feel sorry for her and remain a permanent victim.
->Who are these people whose admiration you seek? Aren’t they the ones you are used to describing as mad? Well then, is that what you want- to be admired by lunatics? -Epictetus.
I LOVE the Coca-Cola commentary. I LOVE IT and love that you referenced it again here. I have been using that every time I recognize npd showing up in my life. (That and the whole "Do you hear that strange talking animal?") Favorite ways to cope because these statements bring POSITIVE HEALING joy and comedy to what was at one time so stressful and negative.
The Best video I have seen on this topic!! I have been scapegoated all of my 72 years UNTIL my grandbaby died followed by my only son’s suicide death and then I changed……..not them……..and I am free today because I had a conversion - not them. And I am fine with that. I did have to go no contact with 2 siblings in particular - well…….maybe 3 or 4 (lol). But I am free finally. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Thanks so much for this video and all the comments from viewers. I am in the middle of 5 siblings and a high achiever. But torchered for it. In reality it was my response to being gaslighted. I am so happy being alone on a big property. I am not shy. I seek out smart and aware people. Thanks again to all.
I have started speaking out my truth in not angry but assertive manner and i decide from thier reaction if they are worth keeping in my life (perm or temp) .. they choose thier position in my life if they cant take my truth !!!
00:26 🔄 Scapegoating in families is akin to historical notions where sins were placed on a goat and sent into the wilderness. Families often project anger and dysfunction onto a member, relieving themselves of discomfort. 02:15 🧘♂ Healing from the scapegoat role involves gaining internal boundaries and distancing oneself from the family dynamics, treating accusations like calling someone a "Coca-Cola." 03:36 🔄 Recovery brings a sense of normalcy, realizing distorted perceptions, and gaining distance from gaslighting. Recognizing one's true self and rejecting false projections become crucial. 05:35 🗣 Progress is evident when criticizing the family becomes less necessary. Reducing the need to blameor obsessively talk about mistreatment signifies healing from the scapegoat role. 08:19 🔄 Viewing the family as caught in a systemic scapegoating dynamic, rather than individually malicious, helps in understanding and calming down. Systems thinking aids in recovering from the role. 09:15 💔 Changing the emotional process within the family is essential for overcoming scapegoating. The narrative and projection won't shift until there's a significant emotional transformation or hitting "bottom." 12:39 🛡 Responding calmly and non-defensively to others' perceptions of the scapegoat role maintains personal strength. Avoiding defensiveness prevents reinforcing negative portrayals. 13:59 🎭 Recognizing the scapegoat role as just that-a role-helps detach from personal identity. Understanding it as a role assigned by the family, not a true reflection of oneself, signifies progress in healing.
This is hard to do unless you are far away from these people or you are heavily involved with other people who aren't part of this clan of antagonists.
I have multiple videos on this topic, you can watch them here: 'Fundamentals of Building Healthy Relationships' ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W0kcwaYtO3Fk9Hr46LJLsR7&si=34fAnmvTEd_h4FCj I also go deeper in my self-differentiation recovery program- program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ Thanks for watching!
I am loving the fact that I found you. I was going through this n started working this out a couple of months ago. You my friend have just cemented what I worked out after 49yrs! You are an amazing man & your post made me feel like I’m doing ok in freeing myself from the family narcissistic/ emotional abuse. 🤗 🙏 ☺️
Jerry., the quality of your videos has improved so much. They were always good, but you just keep getting better. I just want to give you a big bear hug. Love you, Jerry.❤
Jerry, thank you. This video answered some of my questions. I really really have had a hard time with what others think of me including the toxic family. I have learned that you cannot change them but the lies they have spread has caused so much pain and hurt because other extended family has pulled away without hearing my side. It is a very helpless feeling. Now mind you, I have come a long way from there as I moved away and have my own life. But the pain and hurt is always below the surface. I read something yesterday that said "Sometimes you have to let steel fill your veins". ❤❤
Is there any way you could contact your extended family incognito, and let them know via a letter, or phone call just how things actually are ? In my case, there's no extended family left alive to tell things to, or ask questions of. My friends are my family, at least in the U.S.
I don’t care anymore if I ever see or talk to my 2 living brothers again-they tend to be nice to my older Sister & NOT ME. But my older Sister, I’d like to keep a relationship with, so I know SOMEONE, since our Parents are deceased❤.
Thank you Jerry. I am used to being a scapegoat in my family . All except my younger siblings . Something curious started happening between me and my youngest sibling, who also has been scapegoated a lot. we used to get along extra well.... thanks to your video I realized I think honestly we unconsciously scapegoated eachother . It appears contact may have been permanently cut... talk about hard lessons... Jerry Wise your education on YT is helping HUGE in a way I can't get in person 🙏 🙏.
I have just started watching your videos and I have to day that you have a really great way of conveying practical means of coping, with much needed simplicity. Thank you so much!
I’m really starting to feel exactly like Moses and Joseph. It feels like I will never see my family again. But I will. But I have to away from them long enough to heal. That way when I come back to my family, I will be in a much better place. You can’t heal when you are getting abused. But when you heal enough, you become so powerful that your family can no longer abuse you. I’m so grateful for these lessons from the Bible. I always thought that they were just stories from my childhood churches. But in reality they have hidden messages in them. They are part of our spiritual warfare. Our ancestors defeated the demons and we can win in the same way. That’s why those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. The devil only has the same old tricks. He can only destroy us when we have a lack of knowledge.
After I went no contact with my entire family, all sides- my Uncle committed suicide at 53, my Aunt died at 61, my grandmother died 6 months later at 82, my only cousin died at 26 from pancreatitis and in 2021 my awful narc mother finally died at 62 from heavy smoking and drinking. Only my brother, Dad and evil step monster are left. But they all dropped like flies… Just always found that really interesting. (I’m 40 for reference.) Anyone have any thoughts or similar experience after you went no contact?
I haven't seen you in so long. I was doing a lot of work with you while in withdrawl from psychiatric drugs. I can't believe I actually comprehended what you were saying be so sick. Thank you for what you do.
Upvoted. For years I was prescribed a popular anxiolytic, & only recently has awareness spread about very serious difficulties associated with stepping down & stopping that sort of medication. This is tethered to living with a family member who has NPD: this person was sneakily stealing medications from me. This person would gaslight me about it. It was effective gaslighting. Ok, I started with the intention of saying: “I understand you regarding cessation of some medications,” & within two sentences that changed to: “perhaps this person will believe me.”
I've listened to several people like you on RUclips. You lay it out more clearly than anyone. I realize that, no matter how often I try to assert my reality with them, the more they assert they're right.
This was me since I was a kid, EVERYONE gaslighted me, EVERYONE! Family, friends, students, teaches, doctors, you name it! My life has felt like The Truman Show! Am I the only one surrounded by narcissists!!?? You gotta imagine how that totally destroyed my self esteem! Until I found out most people around me are narcissists! And when I meet good people, they always gotta move far away or die of cancer or something! 😱😱😱
This video is filled with some major gems👑💎 Taking notes was a must. ✍️📝👩🏻💻🍿 Being wise indeed! Thank you, thank you, thank you! 1) 1.44 - I THINK ABOUT IT LESS “Its not important as it use to be. This is how I start to gain boundaries & some distance, from this family or this role" 2) 3.06 - YOU FEEL MORE NORMAL & SEE MORE OF THE FAMILY’S DISTORTION & GASLIGHTING "In narcisstic families, when someone accuses you of something distorted, they probably are revealing something about themselves" 3) 5.13 - YOU MAY BE CRITICIZING YOUR FAMILY LESS "I want to grow beyond that, I don’t want to critcize them. If they want to hold on to THEIR scapegoating of me that is their right, everybody has a right to be WRONG but there are consequences…” 4) 7.06 - YOU BEGIN TO SEE MORE HOW YOUR FAMILY IS CAUGHT IN THEIR OWN DISTORTIONS “My family is caught in this MESS as much as I am. They’re caught in their own distortions. It is a system failure…Scapegoating is a systems problem" 😮💨🤯 5) 9.07 - ADJUST YOUR EMOTIONAL PROCESS FIRST, & THEN THE SCAPEGOATING NARRATIVE WILL CHANGE "Oh I am glad you told me that, I am not going to scapegoat Mary anymore. Why don’t they have an immediate experience of that? Because they have been trying & connecting and someone has been trying to convince them and give them evidence of this dysfunction & toxicity mentally but the problem is emotionally processing. Its the emotion process & do you know what that requires? A conversion!" 10:13 💥Changing the emotional process requires a conversion😳😮💨🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🙌 12:21 🗣️"I hope you have all the facts, hope you have a great day. See ya"😂 6) 13:15 WE SEE SCAPEGOATING AS A ROLE & NOT WHO WE TRULY ARE
My Aunt Did The Same, Later to Realize That She Was Scalping from Our Granny of Even Her Grave Plot ..😢 Lucky Grannys Bros Fam Stepped Up & Gave Her One Of thiers ❤. The Whole Fam Was Not Toxic But the Rotten Bits Made a Nasty Mess....
I wasn’t thinking about them too much but I find that the gaslighting potential of RUclips has increased their reach into my life. Thank you for your advice-
Yes, thank u for shedding light on this subject. The scapegoaters really "are" so blind to their own destuctive behaviors, as is the narcissist in general, &/but my obsessing-w or gossiping concerning, in my case was keeping "me" sick & toxic, as well ! Thank u for good, vital reminders.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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So a scapegoat is sort of like the Portrait of Dorian Gray
@recoveringsoul755 When I was a kid, I watched that movie several times. Ha. I still remember it and I'm just now turning seventy. 😀
@@LyndaHill it's an interesting movie and concept
I've been researching narcissists for about 11 years and it seems like them a lot. They always blame someone else.
@recoveringsoul755 Yes, his soul was very dark. Definitely thought provoking.
@@LyndaHill and then if you watched The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, I think Dorian Gray was in that too. I've got a handful of birthdays to get where you are
I never want to see any of them again.
Hi, I'm also the same way, but I feel like some people wonder why i dont get along with my family and avoid me. Do you ever get that?
@@Blessed1283Yep. You just have to pretend. But be careful of the "families are forever no matter what" people who shame you for not having a good family. They are also unhealthy usually and either accept abuse themselves or will expect to be allowed to emotionally abuse you.
@@amberinthemist7912 great advice. Will put it to use. Thank you so much!
@@Blessed1283 I tell people my parents are dead and I have so siblings. It stops ALL the judgment and BS before it begins. There is no need to carry any part of your toxic family story into new relationships. Save talk of them for your therapist and let your new relationships form without the shadow of your toxic family.
@@Gemmarose9012Yeah. In a realistic way they are passed on. You have the right to say no to anybody that you don't want in you life. It's just a permanent boundary.
Leave and let the family turn on each other, which they definitely will do.
💯💯
That's what usually happens,until they re- group and choose the next scapegoat. I've been no contact for almost 25 years, so I don't know who took that role, or whatever may have happened during the years, and I'm not interested in finding out ! 😊
Yes I’ve noticed they tend to turn on each other. I’m scared i might be next. First it was my mom, then my dad and my brother was the one doing the turning on. My dad and brother turned on my mom. Then my brother turned on my dad. They might turn on me next if they haven’t already.
After my mum died who I hadn't seen for 7 years I broke no contact to see my dad, don't do that trust me , but i did find out he was a narcissist too, I thought it was just mum and so was one of my sisters who is now not so invisible, she was the invisible child growing up, because dad needs her now mums gone and she's been given the you will now look after me role that he gave our mum. Anyway I found out that the oldest sister had taken over the role as the scapegoat and my dad said " see your not the only one who's been ostracised " like it was normal to do that to your kids. My parents loved to divide and conquer us sibling's and the liars he tells is incredible, I left and im no contact again. You can not in anyway under any circumstances have a relationship with people like this, their bat shit crazy but like to make you think you are.
Mine just did that after my aunt passed away.
The transition from. "a scapegoat" to "escape goat" makes you the G.O.A.T.
Escaped months ago, blocked and disappeared from their evil lives! Never felt more at peace ✌🏻
Omg how good is that ,peace😊
Another ESCAPEDGoat Here!!! Loving LIFE mostly... Finally!! Good for u
I no longer sit at tables where I might be the topic when I get up.”
@@stacyrect143 Not sure anyone else realizes what a beautiful statement this is…
@@casstay4499 Not sure why you would assume that? Looks like 53 people do so far.....
@@HeartFeltGesture I think we both know it was a complement to OP and that when I wrote that initially no one had yet responded. I'm not going to make a crack at your handle.
@@casstay4499 Handle-crack, sounds intriguing. Still an odd thing to say, when "What a beautiful statement this is" would be wholly sufficient.
@@HeartFeltGesture are you just trolling all the family scapegoats in a bid to increase therapy bills. Are you secretly a therapist? Maybe just a disgruntled pelican causing trouble either way stop bullying me -thanks
Super quick for those of you with no time today:
1. I think about it less. I'm triggered less. It's just not as important. I am gaining distance from the family or of the role of scapegoat.
2. I feel more normal. I can see more of the family distortion, gaslighting and scapegoating behavior. I know their depiction of me isn't true.
3. I am criticizing my family less. I am no longer so obsessed with their behavior toward me.
4. I can see that my family members are caught in their own distortions. Scapegoating me is a part of the dysfunctional system that they grew up in or became a part of. It is, therefore, less personal to me.
5.I understand that their emotional processing has to undergo a deep (probably unlikely) conversion before the scapegoating narrative (lies) will change.
6. I have facts others do not know and I don't feel defensive about people's view of me or their support of the scapegoating system I have been the subject of.
7. I see scapegoating as a role I was expected to play. It is not who I truly am. I'm starting to be bad at playing this role.
Great video. Save it for later!
Thank you Jerry.
Thank you for the bullet points
Thank you!
Thank you so much for your great work, Jerry! You have helped me so much and I am very grateful ❤
Dale, awesome progress 🎉 !! --- Will use in my own reflections ... 🤔💯
Thank you!
What I hate is that the family feel they have to warn others about me. They have even turned my nieces and nephew against me and/or convinced them there is something mentally wrong with me. I do realize that they do this so if I should talk about what goes on in the family, and the truth about me, no one will believe it. Still hurts sometimes thinking of it. Anyway, thank you so much for the video!! So healing!
I so get this! I’m still grieving over the loss of my family.
I am here. You have no choice but to walk away.
Sorry RUN away!
Exactly the same situation for me, I even knew not to bother to strive to be a great uncle, because it would be sabotaged. I could expect my niece and nephew to be groomed to see and treat me as the scapegoat, the odd-ball nut-case with many issues, the one who is always trying to derail the family, just by being himself.
It is hurtful beyond measure to realize this about our family and begin to wake up.
A storm of emotions needs to be felt through, until one day that break in the clouds comes, and the sunshine booms on through and fill us with Light again.
Those bastards made us forget for a while, they derailed us, made us forget who we really are, before the scapegoat costume was forced on us, but the Truth always has a way of finding those that thirst for it. Not just the truth of any particular situation, but the Truth of Reality Itself, the context of Existence. Enlightenment.
nicely said, thank you:). Blessings
I'm right there with you. Can't talk to any family at all they have been "informed" of my "mental problems". It really does make you feel crappy but it is what it is.
After 45 years of dealing with being Scapegoated I've come to realize that they have made their decisions and are not going to change. So I've gone No Contact and disowned them. I finally chose myself and my Healing Journey.
Same here, no regrets.
💯
So many dreamers destroyed for what? Maybe I'll see you on the path if I make it out...
💯🎯✔
Smart choice🙏🏼❤️👍🏻
After about 55 years of being the scapegoat I went no contact several years ago. 5 years into no contact, I woke up this morning and it hit me that I no longer have to explain myself to them, or defend my choices. It's a good feeling 😊
Love that
I'm not at the celebratory level yet. I gotta confess, I really miss my family of origin. Not that horse crap, but the good stuff (if that's what it was.) I'm a senior, have lost my 3 vital lifelong mother-figures in the span of 2 years, and am lost without them. There WAS a time when the older half sibs & I were great, but the M-NPD birth unit put the kibosh on that thru the decades. I'm moving forward yet internally feels like emotional floundering. As designated scapegoat, the silent treatment of the past few years has taken a toll. Can't even believe I just said all this.
@@CamillaReginBacklundMe too, and happy for your progress, hard work, and journey! Well done you!❤🎉
@@GMJBlood Much Love I Just Got away the Work anger and Pain Is My Shadow for sure But i have Faith..Wish u all th best Hugs💓💜
@@GMJBlood Im sorry. I Understand you 🫂💗💗💗
I am not who they say I am! They don't even know me.
❤
Same
Facts ❤
They do know you @mysteryGrey, you're more than likely the one who has a BIG heart, empathetic and full of passionate intensity about loving others, creative and with so many other qualities that they can NEVER even come close to having, so they are deeply jealous of you!!!
They don't even know themselves, how could they ever know other people?
My sister and I were scapegoated and my sister killed herself because of it. I miss her everyday. I have a wonderful family now my husband and my kids. They love me and they don’t think I’m bad. I got to believe them and appreciate them and spend my energy on them. They need me and want me. I don’t really care about my mom and dad anymore.
That's terrible , but I can relate I have wanted to take my life many times in my life, im also an alcoholic. I was lucky to escape my family and go into recovery, 16 years sober now and no contact with any of my family. It's a cruel family to be born into and your very lucky to have a family who love you. I married a narcissist , had 2 kids, divorced him but its still so dysfunctional. I'm just glad im sober dealing with it all. ❤
So sorry.❤
@@tinkingtinking2134That's a lot to deal with. Sending you love and congratulations on being sober, that's success right there!
@@pmc8119 thankyou 🌟🤗🌟
❤
Yep. I just don't care to talk to people who talk down to me and make me feel badly. They say it's my fault but I'm perfectly capable of maintaining mutually beneficial relationships with other people. So I just have to cut ties with them. They can think whatever they want about me, that's not my business.
Yea, Amen🙏
❤💯💯
Thanks
Yes, that's it. Strangers treat me better.
💯
I was gaslighted by my parents. They even brainwashed my siblings that I was a rebel. One sibling declared in front of my daughter and a relative that I was a rebel against a family. My siblings fell for it. I used to be anxious every time I visited them. I finally was able to understand that I had anxiety. I was disowned for speaking up about the unfairness. As an Asian woman, I was out of the norm. Asian women are taught to be subservient and obedient! I believe in unconditional love, and fairness as a child! Everyone else was afraid of speaking up even though they were all adults. I lost myself. I finally realized that I was right all along that I have a dysfunctional family and why I always feel less than. I am working on breaking free from that label. I realize now it is all societal beliefs and conditioning especially in Asian cultures. My parents were probably raised that way and didn't know any better. I felt for them. I learn to forgive and let go because keeping these negative emotions have harmed me and attracted similar circumstances. Yes, it was painful but it is now in the past! I am learning to be more compassionate! I invest a lot of money in neurofeedback to retrain my brain so I can relax. I wish peace and love to all on this journey of awakening!
💯💯💯
Yes if you stand up for yourself you are the rebel and nasty person 👍I’ve had that this year I’m 55 next week enough is enough if I say anything it’s oh your grieving now as my dad my soulmate ❤died 12 months ago even using my dads death as to why I’m speaking up for myself ! I’m going minamal contact blood toxic lot need to back off and my dad passing has made me realise lifes to short for their shit show anymore leave me out of it. I need some peace for once and to work on myself ❤
My anxiety goes through the roof if I have to see them or my phone goes off if I see there name come up or a text message! I think it’s because I know its for them not to see how I am it’s their boredom and game playing.. oh I’ll ring or text lou see if I can be listened to ! Well no you can’t I’m ignoring you all get the message you bunch of narcs
@@BrummiebytheseaDo they have to have your phone number, or can you block them ?
I mean, even if you would be a rebel, so what
You nailed it! I was the skapegoat and my sister was the golden child. I have been no contact for about 10 years. I got several messages from her recently, bringing up the same script from when I was a teenager.
I am in my 60s and my sister is 2 years younger.
The messages were so incoherent and disturbing. I played those messages to my therapist and she found it was shocking ramblings, as well. Our family was a classic example.
I'm glad you found the video helpful, protect your peace. thanks for watching
They can't stand it that YOU are ok inspite of all the abuse and theft and lies....
AND....
they STILL might be found out....
and YOU are still a good person ....it makes them insane....they know their day if reckoning is coming.....and YOU are out of the BS finally.
Hope you don’t answer….it’s not worth it
@@dotsyjmaher💯💯💯
Sounds like my life
Probably the most important thing is you want to learn this stuff before your body is destroyed and you physically cannot get away from them
Yeah.. it’s very important to get away from them in order to start healing
Just when you get out they pull you back in.. Toxic families are like the mafia..
I feel like I'm here. Its gone on for too long that I don't have the energy or strength to fight it anymore. I'm 35, this has been my entire life. I'm exhausted.
If you are creative and they aren’t, they go whole hog against you.
Or if you are intelligent, or capable, or principled, or attractive, or possess any skill that the members of the narcissists' cabal may or may not. Any superlative(s) you have make you subject to constant ridicule, gaslighting and marginalizing, especially when other people notice your good qualities. And it gets worse when you use those qualities to empower or enable the narcissists. Everything you say or do can and will be misconstrued and used against you in all forums, public and private. I bore the brunt of our mother's privations for 54 years. As Mr. Wise says, I was the Coca Cola, and the role I was forced into was absurd.
Agree. And somehow ‘different’ in any other way - like being an adventurer. Seeker, gettin educated, being ‘hot’, being LGBT, and the biggest - being an independent thinker
@@MJ-qb5ph Yes, regrettably, the narcissist knows no boundaries, except for their own. So far, our mother was the most difficult case I've encountered, but one of the six of our parents' kids seems determined to eclipse her dubious status. The stories just might make your skin crawl.
@@DHW256 I’m so sorry. I know enough from my experience to imagine what you said.
I agree with you but that hate is extended beyond just the family. Perfect strangers can be against your creativity. There’s an element of jealousy there and the general dumbing down of society.
The very definition of family is.......the first in line to screw you over and I am done dealing with the toxicity. We are better off alone.
Yup
@@Joshdifferent Be encouraged Josh, God does have a people out there who will love you for you without harm, I am a living witness.
When I typed out my statement, I was in a low place experiencing betrayal after betrayal but I had to go no contact with my blood family and let go. After freeing myself from the vicious cycle, I am finally able to embrace the family that I choose and they have my best interest at heart.
The pain of this chapter of your life will not last forever and I am glad that you are still here.
"you're just after the money" Exactly what my sister said to me when, after my mother's death, I discovered she co-erced my mother to change her will and divert all my father's estate and my mother's estate to my sister leaving me with no inheritance from either. She had her own name put on all my mother's bank accounts for the ease of 'paying her bills'. Gradually she had all assets put in her own name. When I discovered what she had done she said "You're only after the money'. This behaviour is illegal where I live and ultimately her lawyer offered me a settlement to keep it out of court. While her behaviour still upsets me, I tell people I have no surviving family left. It's easier......
OMG! Going through similar situations with older golden child sister. I worry that this as well is her ultimate goal. Other siblings kind of decided to stay away from problems but I feel that toxic sis is doing this. She has also told people that I was after the money, getting parents to pay my bills when it was I who purchased most stuff in parents home.
@@luluramos2981 Try to prevent her from ever getting power of attorney. My sister kept wanting me to sign off on it and I refused but I don't know if she managed to get it without my signing it off.
My brother has done this. I know that he will inherit " the Earth " while me and my children will be disinherited for non-compliance with their narcissistic toxicity. I had no idea this was illegal in any way.
@@johedges5946 I live in Canada and in the province I live it is illegal. It very much matters where you live. It also depends on whether there has been abuse committed by parent or the offspring or any criminal activity. But where I live, a parent cannot just decide to disinherit their child just because they want to. Especially if that child has made every attempt to maintain a relationship. And of course it is illegal for one sibling to bully or coerce a parent to changing their will in their favour.
Forget the money! It’s from a tainted family system, ergo, it’s tainted! Money will come to you from elsewhere if it’s meant to :)
You are loved ❤
The passing of my father actually ignited the scapegoating flame like never before.
Same with me. I thought that finally, with the triangulation having stopped, we could connect at last. Nope. They have dug in their heels even stronger (ruled by Golden child sister, who grasped control over the family before the body even got cold).
@@aquateal384omg ,I’m going thru that now ,😳
Yes. I am definitely the least popular. I get talked down to and left out all the time. My parents have passed and we normally have Christmas and Thanksgiving at one of my sisters. Even though I am single I am choosing to stay home this year with my 4 legged family. They love me and I love them unconditionally. I have had enough
@@suzycatipiller821Your holidays will be much better without all that drama.
Fortunately I realised the craziness and cut them off from my life for many years. Also I am a Christian, and in God's eyes we are all equal. I believe narcs are distorted and wolves in sheep'sclothing.
So you went back 🤔
Narcissists are the original wolves in sheeps clothing.
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
Protect your heart.
Good to hear you escaped.
💯💯💯
Me too! I even wondered if my mother was demon possessed
We are not all equal in Gods eyes. He wiped some people clean off the face of the earth. He told the disciples to get a sword and defend themselves.
With NO CONTACT comes CLARITY❤
💯
It’s disturbing watching ppl b fake nice to outsiders while behind closed doors their destroying lives
💯💯💯 🌻
My sister is nice as pie to anyone that isn't her sister. Narcissist to the end.
Which is why I hate it when people say "they have such a good reputation. They must be good people" no they were just good at hiding their darkness from you
We should never be friends with someone who is friends with someone who scapegoats us. They always turn against us.
If your an adult and your still scapegoated by your family here’s how to stop it, you get a backbone and peace out ✌️…. Never let your family get away with it and still GET to be in your presence… My issue is, I’m scapegoated by my bosses, by my co workers, by the lady at the bank etc. it seems like it never stops. I walked away from my sick family, but it’s like I took it with me. It’s like I was the problem, and the abuse only gets worse and worse…
I just don't care anymore. I finally opened my eyes, and I am tired of carrying their weight.
💯❤️💯
A narc recently told me: "Damn those therapy videos." That validated my healing.
What sucks is I was a scapegoat as a child and now I am the scapegoat with my children. But, I am the only one who has sought to break the chains of dysfunction. The only one in recovery. Tragic for my grandchildren.
😢; I understand, I can't find any Podcasts that discuss a Mother as myself attempting as we speak to go No Contact with 2 of my 3 kids due to my ex (Their Narcissist Father; I left him). I woke up about 9 months ago. Now I am the truth teller and being told I have Bi-Polar and all of the typical distorting my reality accusations.
I'm going through exactly the same thing. My 4 grandchildren love me. My daughter is selfish. We have to let the child go and hope the grandchildren get in touch one day
I’m same , my family now my two eldest have learnt behaviour and treat me like I shouldn’t have a place
Im the only one in recovery too.
Several people will try to instigate, but I walk away and leave them confused.
They don’t even feel sorry for their actions. Just soulless beasts causing chaos on their own families. The Most High will make sure justice is served!
The worst part is my family is manipulating me 🤡
I feel like the narcissism started from my grandmother...And I was raised by abusive mother and aunt....And also I came to deal with other abusive women in my life....
Had a very very traumatic childhood...
@@lilac624same
Of course they do. That's why recovery is so hard.
Jerry, your videos have helped me on my healing journey. I came from a really screwed up family, EVERY video you put out, that's been my life. I have 5 young children and I am breaking those dysfunctional cycles. Thank you!
I'm glad you find my videos helpful, thank you for watching! Keep up the good work
Me too….Jerry is my lifeline ✨💯⭐️
In the past 6 months I’ve come to realize that my father & siblings need me to remain in that scapegoat role. Well….NO!!! I’m healing, growing, thriving. So as I become my authentic self and they recoil at that, I leave them in the dust. This caterpillar, is breaking out and becoming a butterfly 🦋. Boundaries…yep!!! Abuse, no!!! I keep it light and fluffy now. Thank you for your work…it’s helping me become and embrace me ❤️🩷🫶🏽.
YOU GO GIRL! 🦋💖
OMG! I'm in my 50s, and my mental health, and awareness are improving day after day. But my CPTSD still needs work. Looking through the rear view mirror, I see what My family did to put me in that place. I see their flaws now. I forgive them. I can't forget though.
I am the one who decides how in my life they are.
My BPD is no longer severe, my doctor tells me. The empty feeling is gone. I have a chosen family who won't abondon me.
We shouldn't have children until we shed the fears and conditioning put on us by our dysfunctional families. We ought not put our traumas on our children.
I've learned to not care what ppl think about me! Ppl who don't help me pay my bills don't matter to me as much as they want to or think they do!!!
I always called it Whipping Bow Syndrome. My brother is the Golden Boy who treats my parents like garbage and I, the caregiver, cant do anything right apparently. Haven't spoken to them since June. Still dealing with the guilt from that but overall its better for my mental health.
For those of us recovering more and more, albeit slowly, need more of this exact kind of content. Ty!
You’re very welcome. More of this on the way
Thanks for watching
I’m talking about them less, cause I’m focused on me. Practicing self care, becoming my authentic self, appreciating my super powers-HSP Empath- and living my life. No longer just existing. All their dysfunction doesn’t matter to me as much any more. I set my boundaries and stand firm to not allow them to be trampled. My interactions with them is light and fluffy…nothing too deep.
I used to feel like I needed to defend myself and argue back and forth and prove myself. Now my reaction is "what does that got to do with me?" It isn't my problem nor my responsibility.
My biological mother and foster mother use to guilt me for "not taking care of my little sister", and when I left for military they tried to guilt me saying "you left your sister". When I got to a point where I was healed, I flat out told them she isn't my responsibility, I'm not her mother, that's your responsibility. What you telling me for? Go do your job!" I never heard from them again.
I did the same. I told a narcissistic relative, "I am not your mother." Whoooo boy. She was LIVID. It was insane. I guess she really did think I was supposed to be her mom.... twisted thinking. I just can't understand. The projection.... it was insane. But yeah. I have three kids. I KNOW I am their mother. I am NOT any one else's mother. Knowing that truth, and saying it when I see a narc trying to guilt me into doing something I'm not responsible for is my new secret weapon. It's amazing how many people HATE when you put up that simple boundary.
@mvbigmagic4048 I always say "only two humans came out my behind, I'm their mother".
My 2 siblings are still so programmed and in self aware. This is coming out more at the decline of my 2 parents going into assisted living. I’m the truth teller and still getting dismissed. Devalued. Disrespected. Gaslighting for sure by golden child. We are all 60. How dysfunctional. I see it all now. All my learning from you and others has been so enlightening.
Im the truth teller and truth seeker too.
@tinkingtinking2134 me too. You get knocked for it though.
After reading comments, i feel so better that i am not the only one whose going through all these things. There are many who suffers the same. And, whatever i think about abusers is true not my imagination. It's good to feel that we have community where we can share our thoughts. Because no one was their in our life who believes us.
My last convo with my mom she called me a crazy alcoholic. I have never once in my life touch alcohol. 🤦🏽♀️
Two months no contact. I feel guilty but I think time will heal me.
You nailed it. I was recently accused by mother of being after her money, and me wanting her dead. Outright insane, since it’s a blatant projection.
My 85 yr old mother wants me to leave her my money in my will. By not doing this means i dont love her 🤔By not doing this im scapegoated
@@juliej1520 you don't have too leave her a single penny! You matter. It's your stuff not hers💜🦙
That's interesting one day while 'mother' was having a couple of beers, she told my SIL twice right in front of me that I would k!11 her for her money. When I would come to family gatherings, my father would say, oh, she's just sticking around for her inheritance. As if there weren't several other people there I came to see. Recently as of last week, my husband and I helped 'mother' out with yard work etc. all afternoon, then went out for a bite to eat. During dinner she made sure we knew just how much money she has and that we had better be nice. LOL
Somewhere along the line I became this greedy person that I was never aware of and 'mother' really pushes this. How people don't see through this crap I'll never know. Then again maybe they do or hopefully will.
@@freedomwarrior5087 Yeah, my mother did the same thing with my dying dad. Telling him I was trying to control her. Straight out projection. Just as my dad was dying, she was trying to convince me to give her control over my bank account. The aging narcissistic parent is delusional. Paranoid. Scary. I also didn't realize, she'd been telling lies about me for decades. It explains all the weird behavior and comments from my relatives. I never would have thought my own mother would betray me like that. We are no-contact since my dad's death in January 2024. And after six months of completely ignoring me, she calls my husband out of the blue and tells him I need to contact her to help her extract money out of a bank account in my dad's name. She's so blatant. Doesn't even bother to hide her psychopathy anymore. Creepy as heck. No contact is survival. No money is worth putting up with that kind of disrespect and disregard. My kids deserve more care than she ever will.
Scapegoat no more 💖
I came from a very dysfunctional family system they just abused me so much
I have found that viewing their accusations as “projection” helps tremendously.
One thing I am learning in recent months since I began to realize the dysfunction in my family is that the dysfunction stunts the growth of everyone. No one reaches their full potential. The dysfunction is treated like it is a normal part of life that just happens to everyone, when in reality it is a choice that does not need to happen!
It took me until almost 40yrs old to see what was going on in my family of origin, and to begin truly separating myself from the nonsense as the scapegoat. I lost a lot of years. My goal is to fix this, and to make sure my son doesn't lose the years of his life that I lost to needless dysfunction. I want a good life for him that he chooses himself with critical thinking, healthy boundaries, and the freedom God intended for all of us to have. I could never imagine letting what happened to me happen to him.
The level of pain they push and cause is the most egregious ordeal I've ever been through.
Thank you for your videos! Ive been no contact for 5 years next month. And I've been sober over a year now! It was the hardest and best decision i ever made. Im just now seeing how much I've healed through your videos. Theres not a lot of people on RUclips talking about no contact so its been very confusing and lonely at times. I'm glad that you confirm that im really not crazy and me and my children deserve normal and unconditional love. I can honestly say i have ceased fighting everone and everything. People tell me how wonderful and kind I am, even strangers. Thats been the best validation for me. Thank you for creating this awareness. ❤
I can relate 💯❤️‼️
I can relate 💯❤️‼️
Well done 👍 and good for you I’m trying to stop drinking this year did 3 months and dad died my soul mate 12 months ago I’m back on the wagon and my toxic family don’t like it I’m going minimal contact but have 2 grandsons I love ❤️ so it’s hard my mom and daughter are narcissistic my mom has lots of influence on my daughter. They drain me mentally physically and emotionally I hate being in there company they trigger me and I loose it every time 🙄then they say get a grip! Love these videos and comments they are really helping! Good luck for you and your children ❤
Im 16 years sober and the Big Book saved my life. ❤
It's amazing how strangers are nicer than your own family. I drank for 20 years because of all the abuse I went through but realized drinking was more self abuse. I've been sober for 20 years. I decided I wanted to live and not die. Life is pretty good now. Congrats.
What i hate the most is my entire family on both sides treat me as the scapegoat. And no matter what i say to any of them about how other family members hurt me , im just told " oh you know how (blank) is, you just have to ignore them" . The constant telling me to get over everyone elses hatefulness towards me. I hate them. I hate all of them. I hope ill never see them again.
The flying monkeys of the narc are often more damaging than the perp. For years I thought it was paranoia on my part, but no, she amped up the calumny for 2 years before she died, 2 years of bitterness and a mission to destroy all support for me from extended family and friends.
It's a rebirth, to be free, in a new country, surrounded by people who know me, see me, support me, and visaversa.
It's good to see a smiling face on RUclips talking rationally after you have been dealing with insane, dysfunctional and sick people.
So true ❤
I just started checking my mom when she is scapegoating me- it usually ends up in a 5 page letter of how negative i am .
I walked away. Recently heard that they still call me names and blame me. It never ends, I don't care at all now.
I blocked them ALL
'If I defend myself, I have already lost'. Honestly, if they cannot be bothered asking my side of things then let them think what they will.
Sometimes your so abused by family you don't even think of the term scapegoat,all I know is me and my younger sister messed up alot more than the older ones
I'm glad I found this stuff, because I took thing out on society. I really was angry. Alone. I would just walk in to stores with a bad attitude. I rarely do that now. I realized that if I make enemies everywhere I go I'm going surrounded, like be my own worst enemy. Hitler beat himself. Shot his alies in paranoid power grabs,
My trama was effecting my ability to live.
Thank you. Getting there. It's scary, and also exciting. Taking of those glasses and seeing clearly. It's also sad.
Amazing video! This is where I am in my journey, a year ago I was in shambles but I can say I have truly grown. It has thrown everyone for a loop, going low to no contact, not sharing my goals dreams, not chasing and truly seeing myself for who I am. I feel more alive than I have in years.
I will never forget the day my mom & step dad tried to call me lazy and exploitive towards my now husband. That he was going out and working oh so hard but what was I doing??? Nothing in their eyes. I’m new to the idea that I may have been in a scapegoat role… it’s making so much make so much more sense. Especially the manipulation game my mom recently started playing.
Let me guess. Your mom was a stay at home mom but of course, she’s not lazy?
Jerry, you’re awesome! Thank you again for your very valuable contribution to healing 🙏🏻🥰
I wasn't the scapegoat for my mom just so that she didn't feel any sort of undesirable feeling but to create a reaction from other people. I was/am her nemesis so that other people can feel sorry for her. I am her built-in bad person so that other people will feel sorry for her and remain a permanent victim.
->Who are these people whose admiration you seek? Aren’t they the ones you are used to describing as mad? Well then, is that what you want- to be admired by lunatics?
-Epictetus.
I LOVE the Coca-Cola commentary. I LOVE IT and love that you referenced it again here. I have been using that every time I recognize npd showing up in my life. (That and the whole "Do you hear that strange talking animal?") Favorite ways to cope because these statements bring POSITIVE HEALING joy and comedy to what was at one time so stressful and negative.
The Best video I have seen on this topic!! I have been scapegoated all of my 72 years UNTIL my grandbaby died followed by my only son’s suicide death and then I changed……..not them……..and I am free today because I had a conversion - not them. And I am fine with that. I did have to go no contact with 2 siblings in particular - well…….maybe 3 or 4 (lol). But I am free finally. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Thank you so much, Jerry!!!😉
Great to know how being healthy looks like!!!😊
And then I walked away, and it felt so good! Like I always knew it would 🎶
Thanks so much for this video and all the comments from viewers. I am in the middle of 5 siblings and a high achiever. But torchered for it. In reality it was my response to being gaslighted. I am so happy being alone on a big property. I am not shy. I seek out smart and aware people. Thanks again to all.
That felt fulfilling to hear. The confidence and strength your words lend feels nice in the heart center.
agreed- it felt like a healthy warm campfire in my heart
God Bless you, Dr Jerry Wise!-!
I have started speaking out my truth in not angry but assertive manner and i decide from thier reaction if they are worth keeping in my life (perm or temp) .. they choose thier position in my life if they cant take my truth !!!
Powerful! This is the way to go.
This is what i did some days ago to some 'family'
"I'm going to be bad at playing this role" 😂 love it!!
Thank you for confirming what I know...I am well on my way to being a recovered scapegoat.
00:26 🔄 Scapegoating in families is akin to historical notions where sins were placed on a goat and sent into the wilderness. Families often project anger and dysfunction onto a member, relieving themselves of discomfort.
02:15 🧘♂ Healing from the scapegoat role involves gaining internal boundaries and distancing oneself from the family dynamics, treating accusations like calling someone a "Coca-Cola."
03:36 🔄 Recovery brings a sense of normalcy, realizing distorted perceptions, and gaining distance from gaslighting. Recognizing one's true self and rejecting false projections become crucial.
05:35 🗣 Progress is evident when criticizing the family becomes less necessary. Reducing the need to blameor obsessively talk about mistreatment signifies healing from the scapegoat role.
08:19 🔄 Viewing the family as caught in a systemic scapegoating dynamic, rather than individually malicious, helps in understanding and calming down. Systems thinking aids in recovering from the role.
09:15 💔 Changing the emotional process within the family is essential for overcoming scapegoating. The narrative and projection won't shift until there's a significant emotional transformation or hitting "bottom."
12:39 🛡 Responding calmly and non-defensively to others' perceptions of the scapegoat role maintains personal strength. Avoiding defensiveness prevents reinforcing negative portrayals.
13:59 🎭 Recognizing the scapegoat role as just that-a role-helps detach from personal identity. Understanding it as a role assigned by the family, not a true reflection of oneself, signifies progress in healing.
This is hard to do unless you are far away from these people or you are heavily involved with other people who aren't part of this clan of antagonists.
My parents cut me off the minute I started to wake up!
Could you do a video on healthy adult friendships? What they are supposed to feel like and what purpose they are meant to serve?
I have multiple videos on this topic, you can watch them here: 'Fundamentals of Building Healthy Relationships'
ruclips.net/p/PLoYQTW09i3W0kcwaYtO3Fk9Hr46LJLsR7&si=34fAnmvTEd_h4FCj
I also go deeper in my self-differentiation recovery program- program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thanks for watching!
It’s so liberating to not have other people blame you for the entire family history. No contact for almost 3 years.
In finally becoming the ESCAPEgoat! 😂
Love this! 😊 💕
Love it
I’m healing cuz my tormentors are dead!
I am loving the fact that I found you. I was going through this n started working this out a couple of months ago. You my friend have just cemented what I worked out after 49yrs! You are an amazing man & your post made me feel like I’m doing ok in freeing myself from the family narcissistic/ emotional abuse. 🤗 🙏 ☺️
Jerry., the quality of your videos has improved so much. They were always good, but you just keep getting better. I just want to give you a big bear hug. Love you, Jerry.❤
Jerry, thank you. This video answered some of my questions. I really really have had a hard time with what others think of me including the toxic family. I have learned that you cannot change them but the lies they have spread has caused so much pain and hurt because other extended family has pulled away without hearing my side. It is a very helpless feeling. Now mind you, I have come a long way from there as I moved away and have my own life. But the pain and hurt is always below the surface. I read something yesterday that said "Sometimes you have to let steel fill your veins". ❤❤
Is there any way you could contact your extended family incognito, and let them know via a letter, or phone call just how things actually are ? In my case, there's no extended family left alive to tell things to, or ask questions of. My friends are my family, at least in the U.S.
I don’t care anymore if I ever see or talk to my 2 living brothers again-they tend to be nice to my older Sister & NOT ME. But my older Sister, I’d like to keep a relationship with, so I know SOMEONE, since our Parents are deceased❤.
Oh....they know what they are doing.
Thank you Jerry. I am used to being a scapegoat in my family . All except my younger siblings . Something curious started happening between me and my youngest sibling, who also has been scapegoated a lot. we used to get along extra well.... thanks to your video I realized I think honestly we unconsciously scapegoated eachother . It appears contact may have been permanently cut... talk about hard lessons... Jerry Wise your education on YT is helping HUGE in a way I can't get in person 🙏 🙏.
Wow Jerry. That helped a great deal. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. Cheers from DownUnder.
I have just started watching your videos and I have to day that you have a really great way of conveying practical means of coping, with much needed simplicity. Thank you so much!
I’m really starting to feel exactly like Moses and Joseph. It feels like I will never see my family again. But I will. But I have to away from them long enough to heal. That way when I come back to my family, I will be in a much better place. You can’t heal when you are getting abused. But when you heal enough, you become so powerful that your family can no longer abuse you. I’m so grateful for these lessons from the Bible. I always thought that they were just stories from my childhood churches. But in reality they have hidden messages in them. They are part of our spiritual warfare. Our ancestors defeated the demons and we can win in the same way. That’s why those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. The devil only has the same old tricks. He can only destroy us when we have a lack of knowledge.
After I went no contact with my entire family, all sides- my Uncle committed suicide at 53, my Aunt died at 61, my grandmother died 6 months later at 82, my only cousin died at 26 from pancreatitis and in 2021 my awful narc mother finally died at 62 from heavy smoking and drinking. Only my brother, Dad and evil step monster are left. But they all dropped like flies… Just always found that really interesting. (I’m 40 for reference.)
Anyone have any thoughts or similar experience after you went no contact?
Lies that they are telling have to produce some peril! Great line.
I haven't seen you in so long. I was doing a lot of work with you while in withdrawl from psychiatric drugs. I can't believe I actually comprehended what you were saying be so sick. Thank you for what you do.
Upvoted. For years I was prescribed a popular anxiolytic, & only recently has awareness spread about very serious difficulties associated with stepping down & stopping that sort of medication. This is tethered to living with a family member who has NPD: this person was sneakily stealing medications from me. This person would gaslight me about it. It was effective gaslighting. Ok, I started with the intention of saying: “I understand you regarding cessation of some medications,” & within two sentences that changed to: “perhaps this person will believe me.”
I've listened to several people like you on RUclips. You lay it out more clearly than anyone.
I realize that, no matter how often I try to assert my reality with them, the more they assert they're right.
Without truth one will never find self love or any love, just using one another.
This was me since I was a kid, EVERYONE gaslighted me, EVERYONE! Family, friends, students, teaches, doctors, you name it! My life has felt like The Truman Show! Am I the only one surrounded by narcissists!!?? You gotta imagine how that totally destroyed my self esteem! Until I found out most people around me are narcissists! And when I meet good people, they always gotta move far away or die of cancer or something! 😱😱😱
Thank you Jerry
You're very welcome! Thanks for watching
This video is filled with some major gems👑💎 Taking notes was a must. ✍️📝👩🏻💻🍿 Being wise indeed! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
1) 1.44 - I THINK ABOUT IT LESS
“Its not important as it use to be. This is how I start to gain boundaries & some distance, from this family or this role"
2) 3.06 - YOU FEEL MORE NORMAL & SEE MORE OF THE FAMILY’S DISTORTION & GASLIGHTING
"In narcisstic families, when someone accuses you of something distorted, they probably are revealing something about themselves"
3) 5.13 - YOU MAY BE CRITICIZING YOUR FAMILY LESS
"I want to grow beyond that, I don’t want to critcize them. If they want to hold on to THEIR scapegoating of me that is their right, everybody has a right to be WRONG but there are consequences…”
4) 7.06 - YOU BEGIN TO SEE MORE HOW YOUR FAMILY IS CAUGHT IN THEIR OWN DISTORTIONS
“My family is caught in this MESS as much as I am. They’re caught in their own distortions. It is a system failure…Scapegoating is a systems problem" 😮💨🤯
5) 9.07 - ADJUST YOUR EMOTIONAL PROCESS FIRST, & THEN THE SCAPEGOATING NARRATIVE WILL CHANGE
"Oh I am glad you told me that, I am not going to scapegoat Mary anymore. Why don’t they have an immediate experience of that? Because they have been trying & connecting and someone has been trying to convince them and give them evidence of this dysfunction & toxicity mentally but the problem is emotionally processing. Its the emotion process & do you know what that requires? A conversion!"
10:13 💥Changing the emotional process requires a conversion😳😮💨🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🙌
12:21 🗣️"I hope you have all the facts, hope you have a great day. See ya"😂
6) 13:15 WE SEE SCAPEGOATING AS A ROLE & NOT WHO WE TRULY ARE
Thank you for taking the time to summarize the video!
Yes I got cslled a gold digger. Completely confused me.
Enjoying the distance
My Aunt Did The Same, Later to Realize That She Was Scalping from Our Granny of Even Her Grave Plot ..😢 Lucky Grannys Bros Fam Stepped Up & Gave Her One Of thiers ❤. The Whole Fam Was Not Toxic But the Rotten Bits Made a Nasty Mess....
I wasn’t thinking about them too much but I find that the gaslighting potential of RUclips has increased their reach into my life. Thank you for your advice-
Yes, thank u for shedding light on this subject. The scapegoaters really "are" so blind to their own destuctive behaviors, as is the narcissist in general, &/but my obsessing-w or gossiping concerning, in my case was keeping "me" sick & toxic, as well ! Thank u for good, vital reminders.
Always great stuff and it does seam like I am healing from my Scapegoat role