More so when you do identify with them, step back, see what brought that thought upon you and figure out a plan of action which you will work on the inner thoughts that connect to the trigger/bad habit
Example would easily be like getting triggered that someone isn't replying to you as fast as you wanted, now you're thinking they're with someone else or doing something sneaky. Now step back and see why you would think that, don't identify with it, and even if you do, try to separate yourself from it with questions like, "where did these thoughts come from? Did they happen to come up because I am just taking this personally or am I assuming the worst?" And say you are taking it personally or assuming the worse, now you know. From then you look more inner and see what deficiency's are making you think that. Are you not getting enough reassurance that you may need? Maybe your s/o is busy and now you're getting overthinking thoughts from being not as busy.
Everything you feel say and do is a reflection of you. Stop blaming other individual for how you internally feel. How it nudging own emotions (that were there to begin with. How you take something is a personal decision. You could see it as mishap and give benefit of doubt and learn reasoning behind it or could judge and not find out the reasons for thing happening.
that's kind of the concerning thing about all this, is that there were people like Michael Jordan who were immensely insecure but used it as motivation
Me telling a friend this actually ended our friendship (was the last straw on my end). She blew TF up after I sent that to her because I had hoped it would give some solace in a difficult moment, and boy did I make the wrong assumption 😅
I stopped taking things personally at around 25, when I realised whatever I said in earnest was intentionally distorted and misconstrued by people motivated to have me painted a certain way in the eyes of others. At that point I realised there was no point trying to have people see you positively who work extra hard to justify disliking you.
Yeah but it's still really annoying that so many people try so hard to cast other people as villains. You stop taking things personally, but end up pretty misanthropic.
@@yurisei6732i agree, thats one of the things I've been trying to figure out how to remedy in my own life. I'd say acceptance that people will do so is the strat, but its not the easiest to accept perceived injustice.
the thing is, I don't believe most people intentionnaly distort other people's responses. I think it has more to do with people not being self aware of their own behavior and responses to certain things. Because thinking that people do this intentionnaly is pretty much bringing it back to taking it personally.
@@Stickmantoon It is a fine line. But the more people emote at you as they supposedly "reason" and "debate" the more you can tell, they're motivated to make it personal, because they see descent to your world view as personal.
This actually helps ALOOOOT with shame. Realizing a lot of factors or obstacles are outside of you and they AREN’T YOU makes facing the obstacles much easier
I’ve also taken heed that I am not my thoughts. (Ex. When I have bad thoughts, it’s ok. It doesn’t make me a bad person because I am not my thoughts.) So, what even am I?
Tbh even tho I get reminded about it a lot, my mind still hurts itself because I cannot accept an outcome. Adhd childhood with lots of blame and "why are you so childish" mingled with "you have to do this properly because I want and you should" ... 29 y.o. guy with no control totally grew up huh
Oh, gosh. Once I dated a guy who literally told me, "It's not you, it's me." I asked him to explain. He said: He was a criminal on charges and the only reason he started dating via apps was to teach his girlfriend a lesson for not being enough for him. So he went on a date with me as a punishment to his girlfriend, and then he just told me. I couldn't even believe it. But later that year I checked the circuit court record and sure enough he went to jail for theft. He told me to my face, "I'm not a good person. You shouldn't trust me." Sometimes people tell the truth. Listen to them!
The way I understood this video is that you should look at yourself as a complex system with many components, and instead of thinking "I'm dysfunctional from the core", what you should do is think "What components within me are not working as intended to allow this bad thing or criticism to happen?" and then "isolate" those components to start fixing them
Great way of looking at this. In software development we call this Decoupling and then Refactoring that part. In Buddhism this is called Untangle and Free. In modern western terms the colloquialism we use is Divide and Conquer. All this is the same technique.
I love that. I do feel I have so many components I want to fix now though. But hey, that's the journey that is the fun adventure. One task at a time! starting with a healthy lifestyle (healthy eating, gym, self care, trying new things)
I need to re-learn this because my mantra of 'dont take things personally' also led me to keep a lot of mean spirited ppl in my life, who, funny enough, used the excuse of "dont take things personally" to justify their behavior. Because of this, it's muddled the lines for me
absolutely. the kinds of people who's 'sense of humor' is just making fun of people and poking at insecurities until somebody calls them out then its 'don't take it personally its just a joke'. jokes make people laugh, they don't belittle people and talk down to them. Even if its going for a roast its supposed to be something most of the people involved are comfortable laughing at. just remember real friends care if what they say is hurting or upsetting you and want to avoid that when possible.
@@SpasticJ0K3R Damn, you're absolutely right because I realized I never cracked a joke where it concerned someone's insecurity or something where I knew they felt uncomfortable about. Sometimes I wish I would, but I just can't willingly bring myself to hurt someone like that. Anyway, thanks for your insight, kind stranger.
@@grindsauce3017 I never referred to racial jokes specifically. The social examples I was referring to were things like if you know someone’s struggling with a weight problem one makes a joke about it. Or if someone opens up about a bad break up and they start to say off hand shit later.
Would it be too far-fetched to say that people who take things personally most probably have a past of people attacking their identity when they made mistakes? I think it also has a lot to do with shame. If you have a shame identity, every criticism feels personal, like a confirmation that you are bad, worthless person. I have been degraded and called childish by my mother a lot of times because I didn't do something. To give a specific example, my mother used to yell at me frequently for not keeping my bedroom tidy. She would say things like "You are such a child, you're acting like a 5-year old. Aren't you ashamed? A normal x-year old would clean their room." Now every time she simply says "Go clean your room", what I hear is all the things above. Because in a way I know that this is what she believes about me. And then I get triggered and refuse to do what she wants.
Maybe. I got into a lot of extreme verbal disputes with my mom (single parent) and she definitely used humiliation or shame. But I stopped taking things as personally when I hit my 20s. It took a lot of time to realize my own character flaws, and also that I always knew people/myself are still primitive animals. We get caught up in our own suffering, almost like we are the spotlight of our own movie. We may be sensitive to our feelings, but such sensitivity is draining and leads to insensitivity/lack of perspective towards other people's lives and daily struggles. Also, reading a lot of comments online, I see a common string among most of us. We tend to pay most attention to the issues that affect us, and there is an addictive quality to having our sufferings validated. It sort of frames my feeling of "why me" into a "oh right, other people face their own struggles".
I can relate a lot to your theory at the very least. I'm fairly sure I grew up with ADHD and I made a lot of mistakes/errors doing various things and people would laugh and point them out in a negative manner.
Yes, thank you. This was focused very much on narcissists. Not people who were actually shamed as children or teens for being incapable of doing certain things as part of their identity. I have a bad memory (because of year-long insomnia and trauma) and my partner always gets upset when I don’t remember vocabulary in our target language that we are studying together. I have accepted not moving forward as quickly because of said issues, but he can‘t, and he always has to get emotional about it or remind me "we've learned this before". He can absolutely say that, but be nice about it. He never is. I'd have to become an insanely strong person to not take this personally on a daily basis, on top of all the other things I have to already accept.
Doesn't it let you ask yourself the question though "Are THEY wrong? Is their assumption of my character something I need to be concerned about? Is my taking this personally a trauma response, and if so, where is that coming from?" My mother still critiques my clothing even though I'm almost 40, she's always been highly critical and is the main voice I used to hear regarding my inner critic. But now as an adult, going through trauma therapy, I can separate myself and hear her going on and on about something, and instead of it raising my anxiety levels and wondering what she says or thinks about me, I can hear myself saying 'she has NO empathy for the people she's judging.' Ask yourself if your mother's insistence on everything being clean and tidy is actually even making her happy. You're not adding to her unhappiness by being untidy, she would just find something else to be unhappy about. How she's acting about your tidiness is a reflection on her, not you. You can choose if there are actually things that need to change.
i think the issue a lot of us have with "don't take it personal" is that people tend to not feel validated in their feelings and that obviously stems from SO much more than the situation that was taken personally. it's sooo difficult but the ultimate truth is that once you truly start to heal you DONT take things personally! it just takes time and work.. a lot of hard, personal, difficult work!
makes a lot of sense to me. Taking responsibility makes you feel like you can do something about your situation while simultaneously improving yourself and your life
And in the video it is emphasized that the first thing that you need to do is to see your problems from the outside perspective, to separate it from your identity\personality to make it actually solvable. Then you can take the responsibility, because you can actually do something about the problem: work on your skills, behavior, mentality etc.
We reacher for an outside point of view But it's out of touch with me and you I feel I'm walking into suicide And you'll be right there by my side To beam my message into space As I die
@@NickGreiner1988 it's different. You seem in pain from the situation. What helped me in this situation is: at one point, you were fine before. Then a situation happened and it hurt. Shame, embarrassment, whatever you feel is taking over and you have pain. But think about how you were before the situation. You were not in pain. Focus on that. Then everyday, it's gonna get better. Focus on taking care of yourself. Make yourself food, etc. Treat yourself like you would be treating a loved one that depends on you and need love and attention. Once you feel better, make actions to become a better yourself. For me for instance, I feel satisfied with my life overall. So I'm learning a new language. It will open a world to me: meet new people, new culture, songs, books, and ideas for travel. But it could be going to the gym, starting a new way to cook, whatever you want to feel you're gonna be a better yourself. Because that's how you're gonna make it
I think a big problem today is that the vast majority of people won't speak up when they think there is a problem because they want to 'be nice'. There are also a lot of gaslighters who will say whatever gets them what they want. So people grow up with neither a sufficiently callibrated compass of how they should be or an understanding of how to find people that can set them straight. Coaches can help, but there is an issue, in that many (not all and I'm not referrimg to any particular company either) of them will either (intentionally or not) say whatever is neccessary to keep their clients payimg them. Its just human nature to act in a way to follow the incentive structure
This explains SO much of what I went through. Ages 7-9 I experienced childhood trauma related to me being punished for lashing out for my parents for favoring my sister over me. I don’t know if I even knew how to communicate my needs back then. Ages 13-17 I was exactly how you described. Thanks for helping me understand a forgotten part of me ;)
@@marissahicks3529 I'm sorry to hear that you went through this. It really sucks when someone is at a time when they most need good direction and it is withheld. Or worse, they are deliberately set down the wrong path. It sounds like you may have gotten through it now though. Great to hear!
Or they know that they will be belittled or the other person will get hurt or they are so mentally exhausted that they have no energy to speak up and get in a quarrel over it or that they are gonna get yelled at. So they do the math and realised that it is better to zone out or distance themselves rather than speaking up.
@nalijapetek6271 absolutely. It's perfectly possible, if not extremely likely, that people who take things personally will intermingle with each other and so create a destructive cycle of non-cooperation
I’m tired of people acting like they’re nice in front of people, then defaming others behind their back. People should be taught how to have conversations to understand one another instead of wearing a mask and being angry all the time.
This is such an important topic with respect to rejection. Most people who take rejection personally are not narcissists, but the act of taking rejection personally IS, in fact, a narcissistic response.
This is where we have to be mindful of our language on this topic, because I do agree with your overall point however it would be more accurate to label it, if anything, an ego response because a narcissist can't be reduced to one single behavior in isolation (especially a very common one like taking a rejection personally). a diagnosed narcissist is someone who exhibits multiple egotistical behaviors which are often extreme. when you are ego-maxxing it is narcissism (even according to Dr K's definition) but at a minimum everyone has some ego behavior. it's about the quality and severity of a constellation of things, rather than one thing.
@yu_kon9393 from the rejection, you can take that: 1. You're bad and unwantable by other people 2. You're casting these x and y negative characteristics, which can be improved 3. The other person is not interested due to their own factors, or to something else not related to you 2 and 3 are not taking it personally, 1 is.
It ist just incredible how taking things personally happens so fast in the brain. When I try to think rationaly and try to take responsibility i am already overwhelmed by those bad feelings.
Try to reflect on those feelings, and think where they're coming from if you find yourself feeling them again. Without judging yourself for how you feel. I've been in a much better space once I started noticing when my brain has negative thoughts, provoking me to feel certain emotions. When you catch your brain doing it and focus on your feelings and emotions, a very interesting thing happens: negative thoughts stop coming for a while and you feel better about yourself.
@@bloodymares I was with you right up until the untruth at the end. Focusing on my feelings and emotions does not make negative thoughts stop. It, in fact, often amplifies them.
@@bloodymares Of course. Judgements are automatic. Processing them and putting them to rest after they tell you what they are trying to say is a hard part and learned skill. But having no judgements at all is not a goal I believe is attainable.
@@jacobw.6744 It makes sense. I guess it works differently for everyone. I notice that my mind simply gets distracted easily from negative thoughts if I go into analyzing mode and reflect on my feelings.
Does makes sense to me. Alot of the time I feel like "I'm annoying my friends", "I'm a bother for always being negative", "I shouldn't be hanging out with them right now cause my head space isn't at the right place" despite them always trying to get me out. I was scared to be vulnerable but one day I took a step and told my friends how I felt, and they were really kind to me. Then I started opening up to my family and they were kind too. To my aunt's and cousins and then to friends and old friends. I just took the first step and be vulnerable. It turns out most people like to listen, and are kinder than you think. So I was projecting this image of them antagonising me for my success and failures, which wasn't fair at all because knowing them all, I knew they weren't like that. But in addition, if you have someone who does antagonise you after you told them how you're doing and feeling. Maybe they weren't your friends/family all along and just cut them off. Thats what I did. That's what healed me and made me look forward in life
One of the best and most important things I've seen on the internet. It's strange that most people who struggle with that are the most empathetic people I know, and yet it's a narcissistic mechanism. For me it's bizzare and i will also use it for myself
Was thinking the same. Maybe learned behaviour from a narcissist? I feel like I had to defend every move I made growing up in a high demand high control Christian home. Ugh. Religion seems to mess up so many ppl. 😩
I think it happens because your desire to be a good/better person is tied to your identity, so if you fail at something it feels like a threat to who you are. I have seen very good people recoil when someone tells them they are doing something wrong and then get defensive about it instead of, you know, listening and see if it's worth changing.
@@prospero2405 this is pretty good insight, I take things very personally when I believe that other people see me in a negative light, especially when I do something that causes other people to criticize me, but I think this stems from my ego--that being the inflated importance of my perception of 'self', which causes me to belittle myself when I 'fail' and everything becomes my fault and I'm a terrible person. Of course, this is a terrible pattern of behavior that I'm working on. I wonder if someone else can relate
@@syndra7757 I can relate your not alone. All we can do is practice not taking things personal but just say you know what maybe I should correct this behavior
One of my friends said it best when i asked him for advice while i was struggling in a problem in my previous relationship "You're not fighting each other, you're fighting the problem"
I have some of this narcissistic flea. My mother would always throw guilt and blame when something went wrong, so it's difficult for me to not take things personally. I'm working on my self-compassion, though.
This is very helpful. I haven't heard people identify me as a narcissist, but it is often pointed out that I get defensive too easily. I have come to realize how much of my behavior and thinking has been shaped by wanting 'others to like me' . Looking through the eyes of others helps, but now I understand to take myself out of the picture and see the issues and behaviors. THANK YOU for the insight.
@@yu_kon9393 11:25 at least watch the video you're trolling on so you can properly attempt to drag someone down to whatever depths you feel yourself to be in, so weird
@@SynergySource Well you can't speak to someone else's internal experience. You both literally and figuratively cannot see through the eyes of someone else. You can guess, you can interpret, you can project, but to assume you "know" what someone else is thinking or feeling is extremely egotistical and dangerous. It's a central tenant of a handful of types of therapy. I know it's big in DBT, for example.
@@jacobw.6744 appreciate your nuanced perspective, but I'm just checking this dude who's trying to morally grandstand and make someone else feel bad because they feel bad about themselves, who I'm responding to clearly did not watch the video and are just here to be a combative brat, check their other comments
@@SynergySource Ah, I didn't see their other comments. I get your point. I guess I will HOPE that they were being more nuanced and understand than they let on. It's an interesting topic, "walking in someone's shoes", just because it's a fine line between empathy and projection. At least in my experience. Regardless of the other commenter, I figured it appropriate to voice my take. Hopefully it came off as respectful.
as someone who takes things personally this makes so much sense and makes me feel better. when people tell me things i'm doing wrong i think there's something wrong with me or that people don't like me, and i always feel so helpless because i don't know how i can change myself and pretend not to be anxious and depressed. but choosing observable behaviors that are fixable makes it feel like there's actually a solution. it's not "i'm too anxious and miserable" but "i should work on talking and smiling more". dr K is out here changing worldviews once again
The fact you are uploading this now. When I'm struggling immensely with a situation regarding exactly this topic proves karma is real😂. This is not the first time. Really timing is uncanny. Thank you healthy gamer.
I have heard this so many times, but no one explains HOW to not stop taking things personally! You're right, this is a light-bulb moment! Thank you explaining this!
I think we as a society should start separating our actions from our identity. There are so many underlying mechanisms happening within us that influence how we feel and act, a lot of them unconscious, and we can't blame ourselves or define ourselves based on these things. All we can do is take responsibility, acknowledge the consequences of our actions and try to do better.
What am I if not a sum of my actions and thoughts? The things I do are part of who I am. A major part. Maybe not all of it, but to detach myself from my actions leaves me ungrounded from the world around me.
Why would someone have to take responsibility for something that is not them? If I am not my actions then why would I ever take responsibility for them? How can I do better when I did not do anything in the first place?
@@treeforged9097 You are responsible for your actions because you committed them. But those actions don't need to be forever your identity. You can always change and improve. Many people stay stuck on their past actions and because of shame don't believe that they can ever change. They think who they are is fixed.
@@jacobw.6744 I think to some extent we are the sum of our actions and beliefs. What I meant is that our actions and beliefs always have a reason (our bodies have a reason to feel, think and behave a certain way), although they are not always justifiable. As people on the outside, we tend to make judgements about a person based on their actions, but those judgements aren't always accurate. To give an example, a bully might be called hateful, malicious and sadistic by other people. But the reality is much more complex. Maybe their parents beat them and so the bully thinks it's normal and right to beat others when they annoy you, or maybe the bully is afraid of being bullied themselves so they choose to be the bully instead, etc. There are many cognitive, biological, or emotional mechanisms within us that influence our behaviour, that we don't even understand ourselves, that we aren't always aware of. So my philosophy is that we cannot blame people for their actions but we can judge their actions separate from the person. Actions on their own still have consequences and so we still need to set boundaries. And we should try to make people understand their mistakes so that they can take responsibility for their actions but without blaming themselves, without making it their identity. And then they can try to change their behaviour.
@@hummingbird1375 im with you on the philosophical mindset. this dr k video is one of the few ones i disagree with and even cried from the frustration and have been reading the comments section trying to understand everyones perspectives for a while now because yes i DO care too much more than the average person. cried BC even after even distancing my emotional reaction in a confrontation, taking an initial step back, in order to go above and beyond to give an open space where im not judging them to a core, and WANT to neutrally have direct communication and understanding, only for those types of people to STILL never get it because they see me bringing up what i thought was a boundary in the first place as me CAUSING PROBLEMS, and reducing it to BEING SENSITIVE. after all that im left feeling shut down BECAUSE that was the act of me putting my heart on my sleeve to look past their ignorance and try to have a positive impact. ive concluded that most people ARE just stuck in their pride, and my feelings of dysphoria come from me being insufficient in make them a step closer to self awareness or empathy. feel like i cant win. i get that at that point its just a situation where nothing can be done, and fuck me for looking in the wrong place for a meaningful connection. but its just to the core of my emotions being fixated on it, hard to emotionally not feel backed into a corner regardless if i objectively know and tell myself that i HAD valid reasoning, and that i DO (and everyone) have inherent value. i did see and resonate with ur other comment on not even having ownership of your own feelings because ive grown up in a lack of being truly understood. im just confused i thought the part of allowing them to be vulnerable too WAS the 'taking responsibility' but when thats still somehow a problem idk what to do anymore what am i doing wrong., i dont think my nature to wanna get to the bottom of things is something i need to change about myself (which is where i disagree with dr k, some people are just cunts.) love to you if you even care to read/comprehend this. i just want universal shame and ignorance to end. we are all vulnerable, peoples unwillingness to be selfaware and not bash is what makes me jaded and deeply irked.
First of all, this is the first video I have ever commented on... ever! This video made perfect sense to me and helped me out tremendously and figuring out what I can do to change the whole dynamic of the relationships in my life which have been a complete struggle! Thank you so much for posting this video!
I definitely see this behavior in myself, im diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar and i sometimes act really impulsive and i realize i did something wrong but always like 2 minutes later. I often get mad at myself for failing to control my actions in emotional moments and its really shamefull, its a real pain in the chest, and if someone points that behaviour out i feel exposed and then i feel even more angry because i just got validation to be angry at myself. I often feel like i judge myself 24/7 because i fail again and again to controll myself, this leads to low self esteem and when someone points it out i know they are right but i just get overwhelmed with anxiety and get even more emotional its a constant loop.
Yeah same here, it's so tiresome... I don't think I have bipolar though. But it probably stems from autism other mental health problems and past trauma for me, which in turn has lead to low self esteem. It really sucks... Although it has gotten better over the years it still clearly lingers... The overwhelment especially is so annoying, I don't think I can even count on one hand how many mental breakdowns I've had.. The funny part is I sometimes get completely delusional and think everything is fine and nothing of it happened. Although it did. I still can't accept it I guess... Best wishes to you. Hopefully you find peace of mind.
Literally me recently when I messed up bigtime and left the stove burning for over 4hrs. I feel really bad and shaken up about it once I realized, but I know I was trying to do something about it (I was supposed to be boiling water, and over-boiled water is evaporated and is no longer water lol so we still needed to boil more water), but then while I'm trying to assess the objective and how to proceed, my mom scolds me for the blunder, and I'm instantly thrown into a bitter spiral, completely derailing any attempts to actually remedy the mistake I made. What makes it so much worse is, after typed out what I felt to my mom once post-breakdown clarity set it, she has the gall to tell me I'm saying all this to *justify my mistake* even if I ended with trying to get back to the objective of trying to figure out if I can still boil water at the state I left the kettle and stove in 💀 I swear my mother somehow finds ways to perpetuate the toxicity in my head, even if I'm already trying to be objective; it's seemingly inevitable for me to feel like sht about myself for as long as I have to keep listening to her advice and remarks 😭 I end up hating myself so much thinking I'm such an incompetent garbage 23yr old who can't do anything and is stuck relying on mom's "mercy" to even still be alive and healthy 🤧 (Btw I also suspect that I may have ADHD or Autism, but lo and behold, I can't get tested because mom doesn't think I need it or any professional mental help of any sort 🫠)
Honestly one of the most important videos most people need to see; narcissism has placed large amounts of burden on me that I have yet to overcome completely. I grew up being exposed to a narcissistic father where time gradually taught me how to not be like him. His behaviours never really resonated with me, but it's difficult to become aware or have a sense of control as a child to not be influenced in some way. Instead of trying to fully understand what's going on, I would neglect any responsibility of myself and escape reality for many, many years; fears of failure and not meeting my own or others' expectations because I saw myself as the core problem. The detachment of problems to your identity was key to never justify my own or any mistakes in particular to be uncorrectable. Things do get better, but it honestly takes a lot of time to reverse such impacts from your childhood. I hope all of you can learn something to correct, or avoid partaking in this path of misery as my decades of life experiences has been constricted to almost nothing.
This is what I’ve been thinking recently. I’m at my best when I’m not serious. Everything is more sweet and fun when you can laugh it off or stop worrying about changing the minds of other people.
I know people who are narcissistic in the way they present socially, but the way they problem solve is incredibly authentic and to reach those levels of problem solving, you have to check your ego and recognize what you need to improve at. What does that even mean? I wish I could just ask this dude question for hours lmao
It means that you should try to think less in terms of pathologies and more in terms of individuals. Ironically, as we've become more individualistic as a society, it seems like we've become more willing to replace individuality with categories and labels that allow us to think of people as archetypes instead of as people. In the DSM, there is the label "narcissist", but in the real world there's no such thing as "a narcissist", there are only narcissistic behaviours and people who exhibit them in certain situations.
Someone's personality it's like a spectrum. Everyone will show various levels of each trait, even narcissistic traits, this doesn't make them a narcissist. That's the real problem here, people are trying to measure the sea with a school ruler.
Narcissism is on a spectrum. Everyone is narcissistic to some degree. The word literally means "love for oneself." It becomes a problem if you go into the extreme ends of narcissism. The DSM criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes this end.
They base their image on their results and are action-oriented in their emotional regulation. They have a lot of incentive to be better in areas they value, decency to others isnt included in that as they see themselves as having put in the work to be better than others, therefore "owing" them less.
A few people have commented saying taking things personally may be tied to shame, and I can see that in myself. I've been taking things personally lately, and when I look back at these moments, they always stem from anger. Specifically, I get angered by the perception that I'm being treated unfairly - because I NEVER tell people when they're doing something that bothers me. I've always taken things on the chin, fixed things myself, and pushed through in order to save face - instead of (in my view and in my words) "offloading my problems onto others." It's always been my way of treating others as I would want to be treated. But I'm starting to see that I only want to be treated this way - never being bothered with criticisms - because I grew up being pushed by my parents via criticisms (eg. "Stop being so lazy" "Live up to your potential") and I've been echoing these criticisms to push myself all throughout my life. This video has helped me to see that I can be imperfect, it's ok for people to point out my imperfections, and in doing so, they are giving me the opportunity to accept or fix them. Either that, or I'm just a raging narsassistic fuck
On the subject of of internalizing "youre not emotionally available". If you hear that once, maybe you won't take it personally but if you hear it enough times and you don't really know exactly what that means, it's hard not to take it personally. Or worse, if you get rejected a lot the you never really get specific feedback but get things like "no spark" etc. The first time, okay, but the tenth time starts to effect you. It's a lot easier not to take rejection personally if you have a lot of options and you know that not everyone will reject you. But when it becomes a pattern and you can't figure out what is wrong with you... Yes, if you're not getting hurt, you're not human. You're simplifying this into a single one time event when it's likely the reason people take things personally is within the context of upbringing and past experiences that have negative emotional anchors
I’m glad to see this topic covered. I don’t think I am a narcissist, but I have struggled with low self esteem and when I fail at things I would not take responsibility, but rather assume I was just getting what I deserved or I would lament that I was always destined for failure. After one particularly bad incident I spoke to just about every friend I have and they managed to teach me this principle about accepting responsibility for my actions and understanding that they didn’t make me doomed as a person. Since then I have been slowly improving myself in a way that feels much better than anything I had tried in the past
This one makes a lot of sense. Since others necessarily can only perceive your behavior, any conflict must be rooted in that. There is a lot of responsibility required in separating identity from behavior. Suddenly, everything is a “skill issue”. It also removes a lot of the room for intellectualization and overthinking - there is no hidden deep insight needed to transform your “wicked core”. Instead, you are actually fine, or “just as messed up as everyone else”, and the work lies in changing the behavior. It’s going to feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable and even inauthentic. One may wonder, would this be “fake”? Well, how do you determine your current behavior to be “real”? Probably due to familiarity. Not some magic mystical authenticity. All in all, great video 😊
If identity and behavior are different and other people "necessarily only perceive your behavior" then nobody could ever like or dislike you, because they can never perceive you. You have just defined out of existence the possibility that anyone could ever like you. What is a "skill issue". Identity, behavior, skill, it just sounds like your using different words for the same concept and pretending like all three words are different. How can this make sense to you? You are creating "hidden deep insights" not removing them. how do you know what criticism of your behavior or valid or not? Is it some kind of magic mystical authenticity? If someone criticizes you for being to nice are you just going to instinctively stop being nice to people because someone else said so? Or do you actually have an identity that is based off of your behavior and the entire comment you just made was some intellectualized, overthinking nonsense.
This is such an incredible video. "It's not you, it's me" was something I could not accept. I spent years destroying my self esteem in the hopes of crafting someone charismatic and chill. Only to end up an anxious wreck. I never entertained the idea that the problem wasn't within me, until now.
At 31 years old, this has only begun to make sense to me the past couple years. I spent my 20s constantly taking any advice or recommendations from my partners as criticism. Extremely defensive about everything. Mainly out of fear of being inadequate. The issues really become worse when you realize shortly after how you were acting and then expect the other person to embrace you as this loving person when you were just a complete asshole. Idk if it makes sense but this video really provides a lot of knowledge
You arent alone man. Im sure this is a big reason ive been single my whole life and the one relationship i did find was a mess for what i am assuming is this reason. I never quite understood what women ment when they called me sensitive. I thought it was an attack on my masculinity and calling me soft but this video makes it make sense.
I did this and it screwed up my relationship with my family members. I feel so bad for them because of what i did in the past. They say its ok they forgive me they were waiting for me to mature im 14 and i realized im not narcissistic i just picked up narcissistic traits from my mom and bullies as a defensive mechanism. And now i realize that it wasnt me it was my actions and i feel like my family doesnt truly forgive me
I just realized today. That I should let someone go, if they need space. Trust them to come back, and trust myself if I feel like I don't want them around. Letting go, and losing control of them, felt like the most liberating thing to me. Thanks Dr K for another bulb moment.
Thank you so much for this video. I have been following Dr.K for almost two years now, and this video is definitely one of the most eye-opening videos for me! I was recently broken up with and have been trying to figure out what went wrong and learn from those experiences to hopefully be a better partner in the future. Throughout the relationship I was constantly feeling like a PoS and disappointed at myself whenever my GF was disappointed at me and would bring up numerous problems/disagreements. Our relationship always felt stuck. Our problems seemed to always be going in circles and we often would revisit them over and over again, without much progress. And I have now realised maybe a component of this problem was because of my inability to find a corrective course of action to them because I was so stuck in my head. I never thought I would have "narcissistic" tendencies/traits because I have incredibly low self-confidence and self-perceived value. And an incredibly powerful negative dialogue, as noted by my previous therapist. But I now realise narcissism isn't the commonly misguided definition of having excessive admiration for oneself. Thank you for this insight Dr.K. I am grateful for all the effort you put into helping the community. P.S. I have preordered the trauma module ;)
I come from a culture where criticism is the highest form of care. If you care enough to say something, I'll take the time to analyze the statement and act on it in a manner which is beneficial to me. Even if it is in bad faith, it can still be used for the better. There is always room for improvement. Even if the criticism comes from an unqualified individual, it can still be valuable.
@@monkiesbanana321 mine specifically is Northwest Indian. Where my family comes from, it's considered standard to seek mastery in whatever you do. But you aren't meant to conflate your identity with your trades/crafts. Almost everyone has some kind of art form that they practice alongside their career, usually linked to music, dance, acting, or maybe visual art. Everyone is seeking mastery in some way, shape, or form. On a more extreme note, if you aren't classically trained, you aren't allowed to have an opinion. So if a non-practitioner makes a comment, it is usually discarded immediately, unless there is some substance to the statement. But besides the culture I grew up with, I grew up alongside lots of Southern Chinese, who grew up with an incredibly similar environment, down to the artistry and separation of identity and trade/craft. There, too, you see the idea of not being allowed to even have an opinion if you aren't trained. I don't agree with that idea, since art is ultimately subjective, but it's a paradigm that has its purpose in the pursuit of classical mastery.
This is one of the main pillars of "The Four Agreements" wisdom book I've read a few times! A thing I've noticed is in the workplace. Managers don't want to take responsibility for their poor leadership and when you express whats wrong they throw it under the rug, restructure the route in such a way that you either sacrifice quality at work(which would result in disciplinary action) or time at home with the family. Ultimately constricting a dismissal so you will see yourself out and not cause any more problems. Happened with at least two coworkers in my same position of account managing.
I've been told this my entire life... Cathy, you take things personally. This video helped tremendously. And it's a relief to know how to handle this differently Ty for this.😊
I've often called myself a loser, that other people think that I'm a loser. Until at 14:00 ish you started breaking down "okay so what is a loser?" and I tried to come up with this myself and I came up blank. I don't relate myself at all to what I define to be a loser nor do I think people around me think so. I've internalized so much self doubt and pressure from expectations that I never really looked at it from a point of factually being a loser instead of feeling like one. By typing this out I realize what my next action point is, defining what makes me feel like a loser. And one of the biggest ones is the expectations other people have of me/other people. It's hard to put in words but it's almost like feeling content won't ever feel good enough because it feels like there's always something else you HAVE to do or you're a loser.
I normally don't like to share much of my life online, but this whole video made me realize how my father really avoided taking responsibility for his faults and fixing his mistakes by framing himself as a failure, blaming us for exploiting and not loving him and making us out to be disappointments to him, to the point where we are all living in a bubble and dodging the fact that he is a mentally ill person who only cares about how strangers and coworkers perceive him and who can find justifications for taking out his frustrations on his family. Thank you for shedding light on a major problem of my childhood, as well as my own troubles.
a very important video for me. I was diagnosed with avpd (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and this is one of the main symptoms. I hate this disorder because I can't find a lot about it compared to other disorders. And the community is also rather small. Literally no one in my area knows what it even is.
@das_evoli The reason for the lack of info may have to do with the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." The Cluster B Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and to a lesser degree Histrionic) tend to cause more problems for others than the other six. Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder can be a problem in society if that person is in a position of power or authority. Dependent Personality Disorder can be a problem for caregivers. Paranoid PD can be a problem if that person reacts to their paranoia with aggression or violence. Schizotypal PD can be a prelude to schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders. So that pretty much leaves Schizoid and Avoidant. Both PDs lead to people that are more passive and tend not to cause too many social problems for others. Of course this is for different reasons (Schizoid is indifferent to social interactions while Avoidant's fears keep them away from social contact that they otherwise want).
It makes sense! I am both a huge beneficiary of your videos and a coach myself. I have clients who can't hear feedback because all they hear is, you're telling me I'm wrong (or I'm doing it wrong or I did it wrong etc.). In other words, they can't get past their perception of it as a criticism and/or a personal attack. And that blinds them to being able to see the thing being pointed to.
Wow a lot of the years of struggling with my parents stuff makes way more sense now. Trying to unmesh your own issues from the ones that others “normalised” is very difficult. Thank you for helping me to understand
Many years ago, someone said that to me and I actually thought about it from an outside of myself point of view and it helped me alot. You learn to let go of bad feelings and negative thoughts bcos it doesn't matter, you know who you are so let it be. The more you react, the more people will try to piss you off. That's what I've found anyway.
This is helpful to people who have been demoralized by narcissistic behaviors. I am really grateful for the free psych content this channel puts out, a year ago as a recovering people pleaser, I wouldn't have understood this concept so I'm really grateful for this take ❤
Without even watching the video, just the title. I can say I wholeheartedly agree. As a person who rarely ever takes things personally I have sometimes had the chance to realize and look at it from the outside, a different angle. My friend is busy? No problems. Seriously stop thinking "oh he's just ignoring me".
guys, my girlfriend called me autistic and I could’ve taken it personally but now I’m going to make it a goal to stop being autistic. turning a negative into a positive fellas. Let’s see you on the other side.
Not taking things personally is totally opposite of what you’re saying here. If someone demeans you, instead of thinking “I am what they say” and hurt yourself/change yourself , you probe them and ask more questions to see how they think of you. If they you think they have a bad opinion of you, you try to talk to them. If that doesn’t work you cut their ties. This how it works. Only ppl who are confident and self aware would do this.
@@kumarhari6129 I kinda agree with the cut ties with them thing you say here. But sometimes it is really hard if some periods of your life due to circumstances that you are forced to live with annoying asshole jerks types of person. But i know what you mean by that. But also talking kinda talking from my own experience. The one thing above all. When we talk about taking things personally. Is as i mentioned that random people at the streets saying whatever to me. Dont affect me at all. Because the logic is simple the chance that you meet them again is very small little it does exist but is very small little. 100 of the time it bounces off me. Rather than taking it personally all from being things to slurs too bounce off me. It only gets personal when you meet those same annoying jerks that you are forced to live together with. But thats when it gets personal in my case. But one thing above all my advice is to people. Thrive to become independent of others also financially. Even you own family. Because the reality of life is that toxic people does exists. If one is trying to lure you into drugs over social media as my own example too as you said just cut ties with them
I have literally been struggling from the same thing recently and it is mind blowing how I just saw this video all of a sudden. There are no coincidences. I will just get straight into it and start applying these principles in my life from tonight.
Thank you. I never could explain when people ask me why I want to talk, why I want to know what I did "wrong" . They tell me to "just let go. He/she won't tell you the truth, anyways" Every time I got some of those last talks and felt like it could be true, I was able to question myself (after a good portion of self doubt😅) and work on whatever it was. Sometimes the critique was just hurting and I decided to let go of it anyway, because I was of a different opinion. One time even I decided to work on the exact opposite what someone told me. Because I liked to be myself more like that. But I always have to explain myself... "I want to know what's my responsibility on this" unfortunately the people always tell you "you don't have any. It's like he/she said. It's on them, you don't have anything to do with it" and I just can't believe that.
I've always known about this with normal regular people. Even I'm guilty of it, simply not vibing with certain people well. I had a date a few months back that rejected me after four months of talking. It was fine and I enjoyed my time with her regardless. Even learned a lot from myself too. Though I can't get around the employer and employee relationship. Idk if I'm taking this really personally or what but fuck the absolute awful time I had years of job searching showed me these employers really really fucking suck. Absolutely absurd standards it's insane. I was only able to get my first job till I was 23 and only got it through very heavy connections too, with the same org literally doing all of the work for me, my resume, the job search, everything. Never lifted a finger and even then those jobs were only temporary. Years of experience required, Years of experience required, Years of experience required, Years of experience required for just the most basic job it's freaking infuriating. The constant intense competition too just adds more to it and then I feel shamed on top of that for not working and not being able to find a job. It's these fucking employers constantly ghosting with ontop of that absolutely unrealistic expectations and the insane competition is what's kept me behind so much in life. I didn't go to college because I had my financial aid assistance taken away and I was trying to find any basic job just to save up and pay my way through. Literally my own education was being stifled because of these assholes. TL;DR I absolutely hate employers and I really feel like I'm not at fault in any of this. The only thing I am at fault was putting myself through their retarded bullshit and should have at least had some self respect. But that's what they want. They want to break you so they can abuse the fuck out of you.
@@ulysses7157I got my 1st (and current) job at 23 (25 now), and while I got really lucky that my coworkers are cool, the dress code is lax, and the work is tedious at its worst; I still regularly have this underlying feeling that corporate & its allies can go fvck themselves because I am NOT about to be manipulated into being your perfect obedient wage slave who comes in 10 minutes pre-shift to do unpaid labor because they want me actively working BY the start of my shift (among other things). I’ve always attributed that way thinking to my autism, but it’s really interesting to see another take on it
i've been feeling like i'm losing control in life. There are too many things giving me anxiety and things that i can't fix. Sometimes, i watch your videos to try and make sense of it all. Thank you for existing. I hope anyone else feeling this way know that they're not alone.
I avoided watching this for a few days because I wasn’t ready to be called out so heavy (and probably not ready to face it) but I actually get it now and journaled to externalize my behaviors and it actually helped a lot.
The thing is that that thing i like isn't harmful to me and i see it as part of my being since it's so important to me, hence it hurts be greatly when i have a close friend judge that thing and see me in a bad light because of it
I've had consistent problems with taking things personally -- It's been feedback from two different managers in two different jobs, and it indirectly led to my most recent resignation. Unlearning the self-hate and learning to externalize is rough. But it helps a lot to see content like your channel's, thank you. I'm in a better place now and I feel like your channel came at a great time in my life for me to learn what you have to teach.
The problem with this mindset is that problematic behaviors tend to be strongly ingrained. The actionable items for someone with trauma and corresponding distrust are nebulous and the change is hard to come by. You’re giving examples of simple things like hygiene but that’s not what causes the biggest problems between people generally…
This video sincerely helped me. I have a narcissistic father and I’ve been the family mediator my whole life, however I began adopting similar behaviors as his. With this video, I turned around me taking things personally, I apologized to a few important people, and I even convinced my father to go to counseling for the first time in his life by leading by example. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Dr. K
It makes all very much sense to me Dr K. My issue is as follows. I always try to moderate and adjust my behaviour towards others. I am a very agreeable personality mentally speaking. But ot seems to never be, no matter how good or well i behave. That leads to pain ans suffering, as I get overburdened with the constant new critic and the upkeep on the demands that are already placed on me I feel like a small 50hp engine that is tasked to haul more and more load, just because people think I am smart/able enough to do so. So of course I cant stop taking critic personally. I try to do so for many months now. But it still a knife in my heart if you try everything and still get critized, just because people don't want to belive me how I hard I struggle And when I draw borders and boundaries around myself, people seem to not like me either. Seeing as some of them just see a friendly person walled of in their own garden
Why do you think you should be liked by everyone out there? Someone disliking you should never have any impact on your own self-perception. That's not about you. If someone doesn't like chocolate is it the chocolate's fault? I know it sounds silly, but it's the same concept, their taste buds don't enjoy the experience of eating chocolate. It's nothing to do with the existence of the chocolate and the many people professions and studies that goes around making chocolate.
This is what I’ve been waiting for. I’m so tired of dramatic and overthinking people assaulting me or creating false gossip aka defamation about me for having a simple disagreement during a mundane conversation 🙄 This is a lesson they should hopefully learn to take in.
Thanks so much for making this video! I really needed this guidance and I took on my first actionable item at 13:50. I thought my personality was the foundation of influence on the world: by editing that, everything else falls into place. But i see now, after years of creating pain for my family that 'I' am not the problems, i just need to act in fixing and preventing them
7:55 >the problem isn't me >the problem is that I'm not good enough at something How is that not "me" being the problem? Yeah, it's something that can be fixed, but it's still my own lack of knowledge... I can't blame anyone else for it... Maybe I'm not understand what "personal" means in this context.
You can take steps to fix a lack of knowledge. If you make it personal you tell yourself "im a dummy and can never learn" which 1 isn't true and 2 doesn't fix the actual problem you had.
It's not about blame. It's about accountability. It's about understanding the situation instead of complaining about it. Only then can you get out of being self-centred, zoom out and make changes.
The title took the words right out of my mouth, I would say this to my wife and I feel like she immediately gets upset with me even though she may not outwardly express it.
Look at the other person's perspective and ask yourself what are they seeing. Now the other thing you can do is literally ask them, what is it that you are seeing, what are the things I am doing that are bothering you, what are the words I am using that are bothering you? Have you tried this?
I don't think I fully understood when I first saw this video many months ago. I thought I did but I think I'm slowly realizing what it really means and how it feels to separate yourself from it all. It does feel liberating, just sitting with the emotions and noticing the things that affect my emotions negatively. Although it feels overwhelming at that moment, i feel the emotions wash away as I stop blaming myself or others for what I'm feeling. Thank you.
When I read that title, I literally took the thought of that sentence personally, as I thought of somebody who take things personally is someone who is "weak", and I always had insecuritites about being just naturally sensitive than others and that it made a weak person. 😷
I see myself both side, when I am criticizing other, i see the problem, And when someone criticize me, i used to take it personally. Thank you for all your videos, Helps me a lot.
Makes so much sense!! I had this issue of identity but turns out all I needed to do was take a step back and take responsibility. Also, to not take things personally outside of my control! Definitely helped ease my anxiety. Thanks Dr. K!
dudes and ladies, my recommendation is to limit the contact with those who judge, but rather seek for those who can give constructive criticism. if your friend says you’re ugly and stupid, but can’t explain what exactly you should improve, just go away. if your friend says you’re ugly and stupid, because you’re gonna rob a bank and kill innocent people with m-16. then it’s pretty constructive. so seek for those who likes you, and who you like. i guess that’s not something super new, but just wanted to share:)
actually, that’s a really great video, sir! i’m new to the channel, but i really tried this thing with externalizing the problems and it works really great:) just look at everything in your life as it’s your best freind. YOU’re your best freind man! peace!
Thank you so much, this actually clicked really well. I feel another thing that helped me is knowing that by sheer virtue of being a human being, you deserve to be loved and to live a happy life. So, any "attacks on your self-worth" from other people can be ignored, because you know you will always have that self-worth by default.
I haven't even seen the video yet but I feel like I will heavily agree with Dr K here already. A few weeks ago someone told me to not take a rejection personally and it literally only then clicked for me that I was taking almost every critique personally. After realizing this and why it was wrong I feel like I unlocked some kind of milestone on my way to become healthier.
Thank you HG as always! And if I can add to this video's overall point-this is where one can benefit from "equanimity". That is where you can balance both the info from your internal state and what is happening externally in order to accept responsibility while making the most sound decisions. 1) Paying attention to what your feelings are trying to tell you grants you insight and allows you to honor your feelings, 2) paying attention to the consequences of your actions also gives you insight and important context for how your internal state manifests IRL, 3) weighing both equally keeps your ego in check by grounding your thoughts and perceptions (which have both been conditioned by thoughts) in something real aka the real world, which can help guard against spiraling into self-consciousness. These are all of the things I've had to learn the hard way so maybe this can help someone else!
makes sense, enjoyed the "what do they see from their perspective? ask them what they're looking at when they say this instead of taking it personally"
I graduated with a BS in Comp Sci in 2017 and graduated FullStack Academy in April 2023. I'm over 3000 job applications with three failed interviews, eight "Thank you but we are looking at many other applicants at this time, good luck" emails, and been ghosted the rest of the time. I'm trying to not take that personally. It's hard to not feel bad when everyone else I know have either dream jobs or are living the life they want. I'm 40, living at home, working a single part-time job, divorced, and my father makes fun of me almost daily because of my education and lack of employment. At this point in my life I'm more like an 18 year old going to their first semester of college without a major in mind. I keep wondering what I need to do and/or what I have to do to make my life work. But I'm 40, not 18. I have very little potential left. It's hard to be living in this world and think "it's all up to me and I just have to be better" rather than "this world is f'ed and therefore so be it". My narcissism, nihilism, and misanthropy is a defense mechanism, "It can't be me, I'm working on improving myself all the time. I'm smart, I should be successful. I know things. Complicated things. I'm a kind, generous person. I haven't failed. I haven't given up. I'm doing a lot of work. Why doesn't it matter to anyone? It must be them." It's a tough pill to swallow to admit I have to do more. I just don't know what "more" is.
Have you had someone review one of your applications who's opinion is actually worth anything? If there is an oversight in your application then you don't want to risk being too proud to learn about it. Your story sounds similar to that of a family member, who decided after 2000 failed applications that the world doesn't want him to succeed. I then looked at their applications, and they were ass. Used a selfie with no post processing for a picture, eye rings and everything. Writing was needlessly formal, posing no incentives to the employer. CV first-to-last. Off-the-mill fonts and typography. Listless default layout and typesetting. It almost felt like they didn't want a job. Your mileage may vary, but it's something you need to take a look at before chewing on those negative thoughts. Getting basically zero responses with 3000 applications is insane. Something has to be wrong with either the applications or the way you find potential employers.
Try to take a step back and imagine you are looking at your life situation from someone else's point of view, like Dr K explains in this video. If someone you care about were in this situation, what would you think of them? What would you say to them?
@@timeforamazingchest5271 "If nothing ever good happens to you I appreciate the effort. You are doing all you can. You may not have a job, money, family, children, a job, or a path in life but you made a decision and you have to live with it. I care about you very much, but there is a chance you might get lucky someday. You work hard but that doesn't guarantee anything. Deserve has nothing to do with it. I love you anyway. Just survive and keep trying. If you want real advice you shouldn't ask me. I've told you what has worked for me and I guess I was lucky. That doesn't mean you will be. You're a smart man and a good man, but that's not valuable anymore I guess. Just do what you need to do. Don't worry about happiness. Life is suffering. Learn to live with that but also keep trying to be the person you want to be. Money isn't everything, just survive."
@@Silencer1337 I've had my friends in tech look over my resume and did everything they told me to refine. I've gotten lots of advice from them and people from the unemployment office in my city and have been keeping up with their advice. I even quit smoking and started working out so I'm more presentable in Zoom calls. I've gotten compliments doing coding exercises from hiring managers. I reapply to companies after a few months to see if they'd reconsider me. My psychiatrist wants to know what my problem is and I really don't have anything to tell him because they give me good feedback and tell me they'll schedule more interviews but I get squat. At this point I think it's demographic issues and the fact that everyone is laying everyone off and companies want to get those really experienced people. I don't blame them for that. I can't compete with people with real experience no matter how good I am. It's just one of those things.
I also graduated in Dec 2023 and submitted 1000 applications and got 1 failed interview only . This job market is very tough . I'm also almost 30 and it's been very hard on me . We can connect if you want. I'm also a CS major . But don't be too hard on yourself .🫂
this video popped up on my suggested. best video ive watched in years. i have been struggling so bad, and am trying to break the cycle of my victim mentality. this is the most helpful video i have ever seen on youtube. definitely found a new favorite creator. awesome content!!!
Do you have a video about stop comparing yourself to other and how to deal with the unsatisfaction of looking at your age number Vs the accomplishment you did and all those you've lost or still have to do? Advice that is not just "get over it, you can't turn back time"
I'm a scientist so I avoid it by realizing I actually don't have enough data to accurately compare. I often don't know where they started vs where I started. I don't understand my own innate talents and potential let alone someone else's. I know that my own success is some combination of luck and skill but I am mostly clueless about that ratio and I'm even more clueless about someone else's. Usually when people compare they are comparing their inner experience to someone else's externally observed experience. Those are already apples and oranges, even disregarding everything I've already mentioned.
Thank you for making this - too many relationships end needlessly precisely because someone took feedback personally, embraced the victim mentality and got defensive/mad/melted down rather than focusing on solving the actual problem. You're helping so many people. I wish all the people who needed to see this could see it. But by putting it on the internet for free, every day more people will.
Just as many relationships end because people use "feedback" as a way of controlling other people. Sometimes things are only a problem for one person and not the other. Sometimes what is a problem for you is a gift to them.
@@treeforged9097 I hear you - nobody likes to be on the receiving end of controlling behavior, whether it's active or passive. I think this video is emphasizing the importance of taking ownership for our own reactions to things we don't want to hear Plenty of negative feedback isn't controlling, after all, but just a genuine attempt to engage the other in problem solving something that isn't working. When someone raises a concern it doesn't much matter whether the other person agrees it's a 'valid' issue or not - it comes down to whether the two people are willing to work it through so they're both feeling comfortable, or whether it's simply a matter of incompatibility which means the relationship needs to be reframed - divorce? less close friendship? estrangement? or whatever. I liked this video because it can help with self-awareness and recognizing counterproductive behavior patterns in ourselves and others. Communicating with a problem-solving mentality and with as much good faith, open-mindedness, curiosity and civility as we can muster, while resisting the reflex to project intent on the other - while ultimately recognizing and respectfully setting boundaries based on own needs and limits - is the ideal our community here is striving for.
Yes, it makes sense. While in the depth of my depression and dysmorphyia, I constantly self-compared and tore myself down. Eventually, I took steps to start improving myself through watching healthy content on RUclips, like your channel, and working out. Eventually, slowly, I started to diminish my depression, dysmorphyia, and comparing myself to everyone. So, as you stated, I stopped internalizing everything and started to figure out how to change, grow, and improve.
I think sometimes narcissists use the "taking it personally" teachnique to not have to take responsability. They don't really take it personally, they just don't care.
Well, I believe perhaps you are giving them too much credit. The impression I am getting from what you are saying (and correct me if I am wrong), is that they are in control of their emotions and coldly decide to instill guilt in you to deflect the subject. In my experience with so many family members, they are absolutely so out of control of their emotions that they really believe you hate them whether they do something or not. So I believe the explosion is real, and they get self deflected from the subject to a cesspool of crap inside of them and they tend to take you too to it. That's when empathy is not so great tbh. I believe I am less empathetic because of dealing with people like this so many times in my life but it has improved results enormously in terms of my emotional wellbeing. So when that happens it's like watching a cartoon, and by not let yourself get carried away you can actually help them if they can be helped.
@@constantinotiniacos6192 I think there are different types of narcissists. I can definitively see there are narcissists like what you are describing who are much more explosive and insecure. What you decribe sound like a mix of narcissism and borderline personality. Both my parents are narcissist and just like a child may lie they also lie to avoid consequences or taking responsability. They're playing dumb but just don't want to be called out. "Oh so now you'll saying I'm a bad mother huh! You're saying this about me you should be ashamed!" and I'm like "No, I said can you knock on the door before opening it." My mother never believed I hated her until I straight up told her I hated her. I think my mother's motivation was more revenge and hatred/disgust towards me than insecurity, even if there probably were insecurities. She even read a book on manipulation so that gives me the feeling she may know what she was doing. I think something common for all narcissists is lack of empathy and lack of self awareness. But I don't dare to dispute Dr K On a side note, it's cool if you can avoid getting caught up into her emotions but make sure you're not dissociating.
@@thisisntallowed9560 I think I can know where you are coming from. I remember finding a book, "The Prince" of Nicolas Maquiavelo (I think is Nicolo Maquiavelli), which has all these tactics of manipulation to secure the kingdom. My father had underline many passages about how to deal with an enemy. So, I wonder if your mother feels you are manipulating her too. That's what an egoic defense mecanism goes to when it's feeling hurt. Many narcicist have great guilt issues, because where also abused by it, so they go like:"Hmmm you made me feel guilty and now I feel bad. Now I'll learn do the same". Instead of taking a step back and reflecting on... "what things I might have done to contribute to this?". So it's definetely a big ego thing. As a narcicist upbringing survivor I sometimes notice I have a big ego, and I am noticing how is making things extra hard, because I have to wrestle: First unsurpress the emotions the ego send to me, and then try to find the truth to it when I get to a calm mind while dealing with all the distracting bs it sends me. It's ridiculous, Haha.
*I gave this video a thumbs up advisedly* because, in a lot of situations, telling someone to not take things personally is gaslighting - the person so advising is trying to evade responsibility for downing or otherwise bullying you. Here, it may be wise to "look at yourself in the mirror," but only when you're away from the bully/critic. Also, it may be good to see his/her point-of-view, but only because it's good to "know your enemy."
I thought narcissists never take accountability for anything, the exact opposite of what is being described here. I’m so confused. 😥 My experience with narcissists is that they take everything personally, but at the same time never take any self accountability. It’s a very weird combination. I understand it from a psychological point of view in that it’s a self protection mechanism to having low self esteem, but I still find it odd. Low self esteem + not having the tools to fix oneself + low resilience is a bad combination.
Dude sometimes other people is the problem in ones life othertimes its sometimes one that is his own worst enemy. I kinda talk from experience when we talk about living with other kinds of toxic and even provoking types of people living on the same place where taking things personally becomes harder to resist taking personally. Most of the times its alot easier with random people at the streets to not taking it personally but when it becomes something repeatable over time then when it is harder to not taking it personally. The reason it is easier with random people on the street is that the chance to meet them again is very little
@AlRevis-yc2nf except this is a psychology channel so I’m assuming people are using it with the proper definition. Just because people use it incorrectly, doesn’t mean its real definition has changed. People saying anti-social when they mean asocial is just as irritating to me.
Hi Dr K! I’m a therapist and a big fan of your work. I have learned so much from you and I wanted to give something to you. That might be helpful on this subject. First, I want to acknowledge Dr. John Connelly the hypnotist who trained me. He has a process called shifting internal geography, which is absolutely beautiful and it really helps clients distinguish the difference between themselves and behavior, thoughts, feelings, and preferences. I have had a lot of luck helping my clients make this shift using this process.
My supervisor oftenly pointed out my mistakes and I took that personally thinking he thought I was not skilled enough. Overtime, I learned to swallow my anger and do what he told me. I got better that way. But after watching this, I realized I didn't take it right either. I need to seperate skills development including professional behaviors from my identity. Thank you!
Where I’m getting lost is when the criticism is less about an external behavior (e.g., alcoholism, etc.) and more about our essence (e.g., you’re too sensitive, mean, nerdy, etc.). It’s difficult NOT to take things personally the more personal the critique.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
I am taking this video personally
That's the best attitude. Take this video personally so you don't take everything else personally
*_Don’t_*
Stop it! 😂
This guy's got jokes
Me too 🤭
So a big part of what I'm hearing is "Stop identifying as your behaviors so you can start changing them" 🤔
More so when you do identify with them, step back, see what brought that thought upon you and figure out a plan of action which you will work on the inner thoughts that connect to the trigger/bad habit
Example would easily be like getting triggered that someone isn't replying to you as fast as you wanted, now you're thinking they're with someone else or doing something sneaky. Now step back and see why you would think that, don't identify with it, and even if you do, try to separate yourself from it with questions like, "where did these thoughts come from? Did they happen to come up because I am just taking this personally or am I assuming the worst?" And say you are taking it personally or assuming the worse, now you know. From then you look more inner and see what deficiency's are making you think that. Are you not getting enough reassurance that you may need? Maybe your s/o is busy and now you're getting overthinking thoughts from being not as busy.
Everything you feel say and do is a reflection of you. Stop blaming other individual for how you internally feel. How it nudging own emotions (that were there to begin with. How you take something is a personal decision. You could see it as mishap and give benefit of doubt and learn reasoning behind it or could judge and not find out the reasons for thing happening.
Good take 👍
@@iammotanz I agree.
"You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally"
And I took that personally.
*proceeds to drop 60 points on the Celtics the night after*
“I was like ‘okay…’ that’s really when it got personal with me.”
I'm taking your comment personally 😂
I was about to say the same exact thing 🤣
that's kind of the concerning thing about all this, is that there were people like Michael Jordan who were immensely insecure but used it as motivation
"Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
Me telling a friend this actually ended our friendship (was the last straw on my end). She blew TF up after I sent that to her because I had hoped it would give some solace in a difficult moment, and boy did I make the wrong assumption 😅
You don't need to listen that to bs sentence
What is this, an AA meeting? 😂
@@joelRmontfort HG shares some similar principles sometimes so....kinda 😂
You don't know the line.
Might as well try anyway.
When I stopped drinking five years ago, 90% of my problems disappeared. My happiness and friendships have increased exponentially.
great!! happy for you, friend
I should start drinking then, cause I've got nothing like that to lose.
I wish I had something so singular to work on, but very happy for you, keep doing good
And I have these problems without drinking
Cope your life only improved a bit
I stopped taking things personally at around 25, when I realised whatever I said in earnest was intentionally distorted and misconstrued by people motivated to have me painted a certain way in the eyes of others. At that point I realised there was no point trying to have people see you positively who work extra hard to justify disliking you.
Yeah but it's still really annoying that so many people try so hard to cast other people as villains. You stop taking things personally, but end up pretty misanthropic.
@@yurisei6732i agree, thats one of the things I've been trying to figure out how to remedy in my own life. I'd say acceptance that people will do so is the strat, but its not the easiest to accept perceived injustice.
I didn’t figured that out until much later.
the thing is, I don't believe most people intentionnaly distort other people's responses. I think it has more to do with people not being self aware of their own behavior and responses to certain things. Because thinking that people do this intentionnaly is pretty much bringing it back to taking it personally.
@@Stickmantoon It is a fine line. But the more people emote at you as they supposedly "reason" and "debate" the more you can tell, they're motivated to make it personal, because they see descent to your world view as personal.
This actually helps ALOOOOT with shame. Realizing a lot of factors or obstacles are outside of you and they AREN’T YOU makes facing the obstacles much easier
I’ve also taken heed that I am not my thoughts. (Ex. When I have bad thoughts, it’s ok. It doesn’t make me a bad person because I am not my thoughts.)
So, what even am I?
@@Apathetic-desperation Consult Jung.
Tbh even tho I get reminded about it a lot, my mind still hurts itself because I cannot accept an outcome. Adhd childhood with lots of blame and "why are you so childish" mingled with "you have to do this properly because I want and you should" ... 29 y.o. guy with no control totally grew up huh
Yeah agree sometimes it is oneself that is the problem other times things outside of oneself others that contributes to it
Oh, gosh. Once I dated a guy who literally told me, "It's not you, it's me." I asked him to explain. He said: He was a criminal on charges and the only reason he started dating via apps was to teach his girlfriend a lesson for not being enough for him. So he went on a date with me as a punishment to his girlfriend, and then he just told me. I couldn't even believe it. But later that year I checked the circuit court record and sure enough he went to jail for theft. He told me to my face, "I'm not a good person. You shouldn't trust me." Sometimes people tell the truth. Listen to them!
@@HungerSTR1KE At least he was honest 💀
Honest thief lol
@@twistedmetal56 let's try to be nice supportive and understanding
His awareness is surprisingly impressive lol
The way I understood this video is that you should look at yourself as a complex system with many components, and instead of thinking "I'm dysfunctional from the core", what you should do is think "What components within me are not working as intended to allow this bad thing or criticism to happen?" and then "isolate" those components to start fixing them
Great way of looking at this. In software development we call this Decoupling and then Refactoring that part. In Buddhism this is called Untangle and Free. In modern western terms the colloquialism we use is Divide and Conquer. All this is the same technique.
I smell an engineer in you :)
I love that. I do feel I have so many components I want to fix now though. But hey, that's the journey that is the fun adventure. One task at a time! starting with a healthy lifestyle (healthy eating, gym, self care, trying new things)
Beautiful
nice analogy! Are you a software developer?
I need to re-learn this because my mantra of 'dont take things personally' also led me to keep a lot of mean spirited ppl in my life, who, funny enough, used the excuse of "dont take things personally" to justify their behavior. Because of this, it's muddled the lines for me
absolutely. the kinds of people who's 'sense of humor' is just making fun of people and poking at insecurities until somebody calls them out then its 'don't take it personally its just a joke'. jokes make people laugh, they don't belittle people and talk down to them. Even if its going for a roast its supposed to be something most of the people involved are comfortable laughing at. just remember real friends care if what they say is hurting or upsetting you and want to avoid that when possible.
@@SpasticJ0K3R Damn, you're absolutely right because I realized I never cracked a joke where it concerned someone's insecurity or something where I knew they felt uncomfortable about. Sometimes I wish I would, but I just can't willingly bring myself to hurt someone like that. Anyway, thanks for your insight, kind stranger.
@@SpasticJ0K3R Some people just can't take a racial jokes. Generation of snowflakes this lot.
Boundaries. Not taking things personally doesn't equals to not having boundaries. Maybe that's a reason you think it's muddled?
@@grindsauce3017 I never referred to racial jokes specifically. The social examples I was referring to were things like if you know someone’s struggling with a weight problem one makes a joke about it. Or if someone opens up about a bad break up and they start to say off hand shit later.
Would it be too far-fetched to say that people who take things personally most probably have a past of people attacking their identity when they made mistakes? I think it also has a lot to do with shame. If you have a shame identity, every criticism feels personal, like a confirmation that you are bad, worthless person. I have been degraded and called childish by my mother a lot of times because I didn't do something. To give a specific example, my mother used to yell at me frequently for not keeping my bedroom tidy. She would say things like "You are such a child, you're acting like a 5-year old. Aren't you ashamed? A normal x-year old would clean their room." Now every time she simply says "Go clean your room", what I hear is all the things above. Because in a way I know that this is what she believes about me. And then I get triggered and refuse to do what she wants.
Maybe. I got into a lot of extreme verbal disputes with my mom (single parent) and she definitely used humiliation or shame.
But I stopped taking things as personally when I hit my 20s. It took a lot of time to realize my own character flaws, and also that I always knew people/myself are still primitive animals.
We get caught up in our own suffering, almost like we are the spotlight of our own movie. We may be sensitive to our feelings, but such sensitivity is draining and leads to insensitivity/lack of perspective towards other people's lives and daily struggles.
Also, reading a lot of comments online, I see a common string among most of us. We tend to pay most attention to the issues that affect us, and there is an addictive quality to having our sufferings validated. It sort of frames my feeling of "why me" into a "oh right, other people face their own struggles".
I can relate a lot to your theory at the very least. I'm fairly sure I grew up with ADHD and I made a lot of mistakes/errors doing various things and people would laugh and point them out in a negative manner.
Yes, thank you. This was focused very much on narcissists. Not people who were actually shamed as children or teens for being incapable of doing certain things as part of their identity.
I have a bad memory (because of year-long insomnia and trauma) and my partner always gets upset when I don’t remember vocabulary in our target language that we are studying together. I have accepted not moving forward as quickly because of said issues, but he can‘t, and he always has to get emotional about it or remind me "we've learned this before". He can absolutely say that, but be nice about it. He never is. I'd have to become an insanely strong person to not take this personally on a daily basis, on top of all the other things I have to already accept.
I relate a ton to this
Doesn't it let you ask yourself the question though "Are THEY wrong? Is their assumption of my character something I need to be concerned about? Is my taking this personally a trauma response, and if so, where is that coming from?" My mother still critiques my clothing even though I'm almost 40, she's always been highly critical and is the main voice I used to hear regarding my inner critic. But now as an adult, going through trauma therapy, I can separate myself and hear her going on and on about something, and instead of it raising my anxiety levels and wondering what she says or thinks about me, I can hear myself saying 'she has NO empathy for the people she's judging.'
Ask yourself if your mother's insistence on everything being clean and tidy is actually even making her happy. You're not adding to her unhappiness by being untidy, she would just find something else to be unhappy about. How she's acting about your tidiness is a reflection on her, not you. You can choose if there are actually things that need to change.
i think the issue a lot of us have with "don't take it personal" is that people tend to not feel validated in their feelings and that obviously stems from SO much more than the situation that was taken personally. it's sooo difficult but the ultimate truth is that once you truly start to heal you DONT take things personally! it just takes time and work.. a lot of hard, personal, difficult work!
This really gives me something to reflect on and research about when I get bored at work. Thank you!
We need to take OURSELVES seriously
@@TheSaintBigFoot That's the hard part, I can't even take myself seriously..
makes a lot of sense to me. Taking responsibility makes you feel like you can do something about your situation while simultaneously improving yourself and your life
And in the video it is emphasized that the first thing that you need to do is to see your problems from the outside perspective, to separate it from your identity\personality to make it actually solvable. Then you can take the responsibility, because you can actually do something about the problem: work on your skills, behavior, mentality etc.
We reacher for an outside point of view
But it's out of touch with me and you
I feel I'm walking into suicide
And you'll be right there by my side
To beam my message into space
As I die
@@NickGreiner1988 it's different. You seem in pain from the situation.
What helped me in this situation is: at one point, you were fine before. Then a situation happened and it hurt. Shame, embarrassment, whatever you feel is taking over and you have pain.
But think about how you were before the situation. You were not in pain. Focus on that.
Then everyday, it's gonna get better. Focus on taking care of yourself. Make yourself food, etc. Treat yourself like you would be treating a loved one that depends on you and need love and attention.
Once you feel better, make actions to become a better yourself.
For me for instance, I feel satisfied with my life overall. So I'm learning a new language. It will open a world to me: meet new people, new culture, songs, books, and ideas for travel. But it could be going to the gym, starting a new way to cook, whatever you want to feel you're gonna be a better yourself. Because that's how you're gonna make it
I think a big problem today is that the vast majority of people won't speak up when they think there is a problem because they want to 'be nice'. There are also a lot of gaslighters who will say whatever gets them what they want.
So people grow up with neither a sufficiently callibrated compass of how they should be or an understanding of how to find people that can set them straight.
Coaches can help, but there is an issue, in that many (not all and I'm not referrimg to any particular company either) of them will either (intentionally or not) say whatever is neccessary to keep their clients payimg them. Its just human nature to act in a way to follow the incentive structure
This explains SO much of what I went through. Ages 7-9 I experienced childhood trauma related to me being punished for lashing out for my parents for favoring my sister over me. I don’t know if I even knew how to communicate my needs back then. Ages 13-17 I was exactly how you described.
Thanks for helping me understand a forgotten part of me ;)
@@marissahicks3529 I'm sorry to hear that you went through this. It really sucks when someone is at a time when they most need good direction and it is withheld. Or worse, they are deliberately set down the wrong path.
It sounds like you may have gotten through it now though. Great to hear!
Or they know that they will be belittled or the other person will get hurt or they are so mentally exhausted that they have no energy to speak up and get in a quarrel over it or that they are gonna get yelled at. So they do the math and realised that it is better to zone out or distance themselves rather than speaking up.
@nalijapetek6271 absolutely. It's perfectly possible, if not extremely likely, that people who take things personally will intermingle with each other and so create a destructive cycle of non-cooperation
I’m tired of people acting like they’re nice in front of people, then defaming others behind their back. People should be taught how to have conversations to understand one another instead of wearing a mask and being angry all the time.
This is such an important topic with respect to rejection. Most people who take rejection personally are not narcissists, but the act of taking rejection personally IS, in fact, a narcissistic response.
Well if someone rejected you, this is between you and them. That is literally personally
This is where we have to be mindful of our language on this topic, because I do agree with your overall point however it would be more accurate to label it, if anything, an ego response because a narcissist can't be reduced to one single behavior in isolation (especially a very common one like taking a rejection personally). a diagnosed narcissist is someone who exhibits multiple egotistical behaviors which are often extreme. when you are ego-maxxing it is narcissism (even according to Dr K's definition) but at a minimum everyone has some ego behavior. it's about the quality and severity of a constellation of things, rather than one thing.
@yu_kon9393 from the rejection, you can take that:
1. You're bad and unwantable by other people
2. You're casting these x and y negative characteristics, which can be improved
3. The other person is not interested due to their own factors, or to something else not related to you
2 and 3 are not taking it personally, 1 is.
You're right. I have to read this multiple times so my brain can internalize it and stop making everything bad about me😅
@tiagow95 thank you for this comment. Impacted me big and im using it to improve and better myself ♡
It ist just incredible how taking things personally happens so fast in the brain. When I try to think rationaly and try to take responsibility i am already overwhelmed by those bad feelings.
Try to reflect on those feelings, and think where they're coming from if you find yourself feeling them again. Without judging yourself for how you feel. I've been in a much better space once I started noticing when my brain has negative thoughts, provoking me to feel certain emotions. When you catch your brain doing it and focus on your feelings and emotions, a very interesting thing happens: negative thoughts stop coming for a while and you feel better about yourself.
@@bloodymares I was with you right up until the untruth at the end. Focusing on my feelings and emotions does not make negative thoughts stop. It, in fact, often amplifies them.
@@jacobw.6744 are you judging yourself for feeling those emotions?
@@bloodymares Of course. Judgements are automatic. Processing them and putting them to rest after they tell you what they are trying to say is a hard part and learned skill. But having no judgements at all is not a goal I believe is attainable.
@@jacobw.6744 It makes sense. I guess it works differently for everyone. I notice that my mind simply gets distracted easily from negative thoughts if I go into analyzing mode and reflect on my feelings.
Does makes sense to me. Alot of the time I feel like "I'm annoying my friends", "I'm a bother for always being negative", "I shouldn't be hanging out with them right now cause my head space isn't at the right place" despite them always trying to get me out. I was scared to be vulnerable but one day I took a step and told my friends how I felt, and they were really kind to me. Then I started opening up to my family and they were kind too. To my aunt's and cousins and then to friends and old friends. I just took the first step and be vulnerable.
It turns out most people like to listen, and are kinder than you think. So I was projecting this image of them antagonising me for my success and failures, which wasn't fair at all because knowing them all, I knew they weren't like that. But in addition, if you have someone who does antagonise you after you told them how you're doing and feeling. Maybe they weren't your friends/family all along and just cut them off. Thats what I did. That's what healed me and made me look forward in life
This is the answer
One of the best and most important things I've seen on the internet. It's strange that most people who struggle with that are the most empathetic people I know, and yet it's a narcissistic mechanism. For me it's bizzare and i will also use it for myself
Was thinking the same. Maybe learned behaviour from a narcissist? I feel like I had to defend every move I made growing up in a high demand high control Christian home. Ugh. Religion seems to mess up so many ppl. 😩
I think it happens because your desire to be a good/better person is tied to your identity, so if you fail at something it feels like a threat to who you are. I have seen very good people recoil when someone tells them they are doing something wrong and then get defensive about it instead of, you know, listening and see if it's worth changing.
@@prospero2405 this is pretty good insight, I take things very personally when I believe that other people see me in a negative light, especially when I do something that causes other people to criticize me, but I think this stems from my ego--that being the inflated importance of my perception of 'self', which causes me to belittle myself when I 'fail' and everything becomes my fault and I'm a terrible person. Of course, this is a terrible pattern of behavior that I'm working on. I wonder if someone else can relate
@@syndra7757 I can relate your not alone. All we can do is practice not taking things personal but just say you know what maybe I should correct this behavior
Especially when people say that you (not your action) hurt them by doing something.
One of my friends said it best when i asked him for advice while i was struggling in a problem in my previous relationship
"You're not fighting each other, you're fighting the problem"
Wow that's really good advice to share, wise friend🌸
I have some of this narcissistic flea. My mother would always throw guilt and blame when something went wrong, so it's difficult for me to not take things personally. I'm working on my self-compassion, though.
This is very helpful. I haven't heard people identify me as a narcissist, but it is often pointed out that I get defensive too easily. I have come to realize how much of my behavior and thinking has been shaped by wanting 'others to like me' . Looking through the eyes of others helps, but now I understand to take myself out of the picture and see the issues and behaviors. THANK YOU for the insight.
You can't see through eyes of others that is truly egotistic thing to say
@@yu_kon9393 11:25 at least watch the video you're trolling on so you can properly attempt to drag someone down to whatever depths you feel yourself to be in, so weird
@@SynergySource Well you can't speak to someone else's internal experience. You both literally and figuratively cannot see through the eyes of someone else. You can guess, you can interpret, you can project, but to assume you "know" what someone else is thinking or feeling is extremely egotistical and dangerous. It's a central tenant of a handful of types of therapy. I know it's big in DBT, for example.
@@jacobw.6744 appreciate your nuanced perspective, but I'm just checking this dude who's trying to morally grandstand and make someone else feel bad because they feel bad about themselves, who I'm responding to clearly did not watch the video and are just here to be a combative brat, check their other comments
@@SynergySource Ah, I didn't see their other comments. I get your point. I guess I will HOPE that they were being more nuanced and understand than they let on. It's an interesting topic, "walking in someone's shoes", just because it's a fine line between empathy and projection. At least in my experience. Regardless of the other commenter, I figured it appropriate to voice my take. Hopefully it came off as respectful.
as someone who takes things personally this makes so much sense and makes me feel better. when people tell me things i'm doing wrong i think there's something wrong with me or that people don't like me, and i always feel so helpless because i don't know how i can change myself and pretend not to be anxious and depressed. but choosing observable behaviors that are fixable makes it feel like there's actually a solution. it's not "i'm too anxious and miserable" but "i should work on talking and smiling more". dr K is out here changing worldviews once again
The fact you are uploading this now. When I'm struggling immensely with a situation regarding exactly this topic proves karma is real😂. This is not the first time. Really timing is uncanny. Thank you healthy gamer.
Me too, dude.
"This is not the first time"
That sounds really worrysome lol. Little do you know dr. K is actually spying on you
algorithms know you better than you do
Yall are taking this video personally
it's insane how uncanny the timing can be, ill have thought of it the day before if not same day and boom
I have heard this so many times, but no one explains HOW to not stop taking things personally! You're right, this is a light-bulb moment! Thank you explaining this!
I think we as a society should start separating our actions from our identity. There are so many underlying mechanisms happening within us that influence how we feel and act, a lot of them unconscious, and we can't blame ourselves or define ourselves based on these things. All we can do is take responsibility, acknowledge the consequences of our actions and try to do better.
What am I if not a sum of my actions and thoughts? The things I do are part of who I am. A major part. Maybe not all of it, but to detach myself from my actions leaves me ungrounded from the world around me.
Why would someone have to take responsibility for something that is not them? If I am not my actions then why would I ever take responsibility for them? How can I do better when I did not do anything in the first place?
@@treeforged9097 You are responsible for your actions because you committed them. But those actions don't need to be forever your identity. You can always change and improve. Many people stay stuck on their past actions and because of shame don't believe that they can ever change. They think who they are is fixed.
@@jacobw.6744 I think to some extent we are the sum of our actions and beliefs. What I meant is that our actions and beliefs always have a reason (our bodies have a reason to feel, think and behave a certain way), although they are not always justifiable. As people on the outside, we tend to make judgements about a person based on their actions, but those judgements aren't always accurate. To give an example, a bully might be called hateful, malicious and sadistic by other people. But the reality is much more complex. Maybe their parents beat them and so the bully thinks it's normal and right to beat others when they annoy you, or maybe the bully is afraid of being bullied themselves so they choose to be the bully instead, etc. There are many cognitive, biological, or emotional mechanisms within us that influence our behaviour, that we don't even understand ourselves, that we aren't always aware of.
So my philosophy is that we cannot blame people for their actions but we can judge their actions separate from the person. Actions on their own still have consequences and so we still need to set boundaries. And we should try to make people understand their mistakes so that they can take responsibility for their actions but without blaming themselves, without making it their identity. And then they can try to change their behaviour.
@@hummingbird1375 im with you on the philosophical mindset. this dr k video is one of the few ones i disagree with and even cried from the frustration and have been reading the comments section trying to understand everyones perspectives for a while now because yes i DO care too much more than the average person. cried BC even after even distancing my emotional reaction in a confrontation, taking an initial step back, in order to go above and beyond to give an open space where im not judging them to a core, and WANT to neutrally have direct communication and understanding, only for those types of people to STILL never get it because they see me bringing up what i thought was a boundary in the first place as me CAUSING PROBLEMS, and reducing it to BEING SENSITIVE.
after all that im left feeling shut down BECAUSE that was the act of me putting my heart on my sleeve to look past their ignorance and try to have a positive impact. ive concluded that most people ARE just stuck in their pride, and my feelings of dysphoria come from me being insufficient in make them a step closer to self awareness or empathy. feel like i cant win. i get that at that point its just a situation where nothing can be done, and fuck me for looking in the wrong place for a meaningful connection. but its just to the core of my emotions being fixated on it, hard to emotionally not feel backed into a corner regardless if i objectively know and tell myself that i HAD valid reasoning, and that i DO (and everyone) have inherent value.
i did see and resonate with ur other comment on not even having ownership of your own feelings because ive grown up in a lack of being truly understood. im just confused i thought the part of allowing them to be vulnerable too WAS the 'taking responsibility' but when thats still somehow a problem idk what to do anymore what am i doing wrong., i dont think my nature to wanna get to the bottom of things is something i need to change about myself (which is where i disagree with dr k, some people are just cunts.)
love to you if you even care to read/comprehend this. i just want universal shame and ignorance to end. we are all vulnerable, peoples unwillingness to be selfaware and not bash is what makes me jaded and deeply irked.
First of all, this is the first video I have ever commented on... ever! This video made perfect sense to me and helped me out tremendously and figuring out what I can do to change the whole dynamic of the relationships in my life which have been a complete struggle! Thank you so much for posting this video!
I definitely see this behavior in myself, im diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar and i sometimes act really impulsive and i realize i did something wrong but always like 2 minutes later. I often get mad at myself for failing to control my actions in emotional moments and its really shamefull, its a real pain in the chest, and if someone points that behaviour out i feel exposed and then i feel even more angry because i just got validation to be angry at myself. I often feel like i judge myself 24/7 because i fail again and again to controll myself, this leads to low self esteem and when someone points it out i know they are right but i just get overwhelmed with anxiety and get even more emotional its a constant loop.
Yeah same here, it's so tiresome... I don't think I have bipolar though. But it probably stems from autism other mental health problems and past trauma for me, which in turn has lead to low self esteem. It really sucks... Although it has gotten better over the years it still clearly lingers... The overwhelment especially is so annoying, I don't think I can even count on one hand how many mental breakdowns I've had.. The funny part is I sometimes get completely delusional and think everything is fine and nothing of it happened. Although it did. I still can't accept it I guess... Best wishes to you. Hopefully you find peace of mind.
Literally me recently when I messed up bigtime and left the stove burning for over 4hrs. I feel really bad and shaken up about it once I realized, but I know I was trying to do something about it (I was supposed to be boiling water, and over-boiled water is evaporated and is no longer water lol so we still needed to boil more water), but then while I'm trying to assess the objective and how to proceed, my mom scolds me for the blunder, and I'm instantly thrown into a bitter spiral, completely derailing any attempts to actually remedy the mistake I made. What makes it so much worse is, after typed out what I felt to my mom once post-breakdown clarity set it, she has the gall to tell me I'm saying all this to *justify my mistake* even if I ended with trying to get back to the objective of trying to figure out if I can still boil water at the state I left the kettle and stove in 💀 I swear my mother somehow finds ways to perpetuate the toxicity in my head, even if I'm already trying to be objective; it's seemingly inevitable for me to feel like sht about myself for as long as I have to keep listening to her advice and remarks 😭 I end up hating myself so much thinking I'm such an incompetent garbage 23yr old who can't do anything and is stuck relying on mom's "mercy" to even still be alive and healthy 🤧
(Btw I also suspect that I may have ADHD or Autism, but lo and behold, I can't get tested because mom doesn't think I need it or any professional mental help of any sort 🫠)
Honestly one of the most important videos most people need to see; narcissism has placed large amounts of burden on me that I have yet to overcome completely. I grew up being exposed to a narcissistic father where time gradually taught me how to not be like him. His behaviours never really resonated with me, but it's difficult to become aware or have a sense of control as a child to not be influenced in some way. Instead of trying to fully understand what's going on, I would neglect any responsibility of myself and escape reality for many, many years; fears of failure and not meeting my own or others' expectations because I saw myself as the core problem. The detachment of problems to your identity was key to never justify my own or any mistakes in particular to be uncorrectable. Things do get better, but it honestly takes a lot of time to reverse such impacts from your childhood.
I hope all of you can learn something to correct, or avoid partaking in this path of misery as my decades of life experiences has been constricted to almost nothing.
This is what I’ve been thinking recently. I’m at my best when I’m not serious. Everything is more sweet and fun when you can laugh it off or stop worrying about changing the minds of other people.
I know people who are narcissistic in the way they present socially, but the way they problem solve is incredibly authentic and to reach those levels of problem solving, you have to check your ego and recognize what you need to improve at. What does that even mean? I wish I could just ask this dude question for hours lmao
Then they're not narcissistic.
It means that you should try to think less in terms of pathologies and more in terms of individuals. Ironically, as we've become more individualistic as a society, it seems like we've become more willing to replace individuality with categories and labels that allow us to think of people as archetypes instead of as people. In the DSM, there is the label "narcissist", but in the real world there's no such thing as "a narcissist", there are only narcissistic behaviours and people who exhibit them in certain situations.
Someone's personality it's like a spectrum. Everyone will show various levels of each trait, even narcissistic traits, this doesn't make them a narcissist. That's the real problem here, people are trying to measure the sea with a school ruler.
Narcissism is on a spectrum. Everyone is narcissistic to some degree. The word literally means "love for oneself."
It becomes a problem if you go into the extreme ends of narcissism. The DSM criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder describes this end.
They base their image on their results and are action-oriented in their emotional regulation. They have a lot of incentive to be better in areas they value, decency to others isnt included in that as they see themselves as having put in the work to be better than others, therefore "owing" them less.
A few people have commented saying taking things personally may be tied to shame, and I can see that in myself.
I've been taking things personally lately, and when I look back at these moments, they always stem from anger. Specifically, I get angered by the perception that I'm being treated unfairly - because I NEVER tell people when they're doing something that bothers me. I've always taken things on the chin, fixed things myself, and pushed through in order to save face - instead of (in my view and in my words) "offloading my problems onto others."
It's always been my way of treating others as I would want to be treated. But I'm starting to see that I only want to be treated this way - never being bothered with criticisms - because I grew up being pushed by my parents via criticisms (eg. "Stop being so lazy" "Live up to your potential") and I've been echoing these criticisms to push myself all throughout my life.
This video has helped me to see that I can be imperfect, it's ok for people to point out my imperfections, and in doing so, they are giving me the opportunity to accept or fix them.
Either that, or I'm just a raging narsassistic fuck
On the subject of of internalizing "youre not emotionally available". If you hear that once, maybe you won't take it personally but if you hear it enough times and you don't really know exactly what that means, it's hard not to take it personally.
Or worse, if you get rejected a lot the you never really get specific feedback but get things like "no spark" etc. The first time, okay, but the tenth time starts to effect you. It's a lot easier not to take rejection personally if you have a lot of options and you know that not everyone will reject you. But when it becomes a pattern and you can't figure out what is wrong with you... Yes, if you're not getting hurt, you're not human. You're simplifying this into a single one time event when it's likely the reason people take things personally is within the context of upbringing and past experiences that have negative emotional anchors
"No spark" means the person is wrong for you, so the corrective behavior can start now
I’m glad to see this topic covered. I don’t think I am a narcissist, but I have struggled with low self esteem and when I fail at things I would not take responsibility, but rather assume I was just getting what I deserved or I would lament that I was always destined for failure. After one particularly bad incident I spoke to just about every friend I have and they managed to teach me this principle about accepting responsibility for my actions and understanding that they didn’t make me doomed as a person. Since then I have been slowly improving myself in a way that feels much better than anything I had tried in the past
This one makes a lot of sense. Since others necessarily can only perceive your behavior, any conflict must be rooted in that.
There is a lot of responsibility required in separating identity from behavior. Suddenly, everything is a “skill issue”.
It also removes a lot of the room for intellectualization and overthinking - there is no hidden deep insight needed to transform your “wicked core”. Instead, you are actually fine, or “just as messed up as everyone else”, and the work lies in changing the behavior. It’s going to feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable and even inauthentic.
One may wonder, would this be “fake”? Well, how do you determine your current behavior to be “real”? Probably due to familiarity. Not some magic mystical authenticity.
All in all, great video 😊
If identity and behavior are different and other people "necessarily only perceive your behavior" then nobody could ever like or dislike you, because they can never perceive you. You have just defined out of existence the possibility that anyone could ever like you. What is a "skill issue". Identity, behavior, skill, it just sounds like your using different words for the same concept and pretending like all three words are different. How can this make sense to you? You are creating "hidden deep insights" not removing them. how do you know what criticism of your behavior or valid or not? Is it some kind of magic mystical authenticity? If someone criticizes you for being to nice are you just going to instinctively stop being nice to people because someone else said so? Or do you actually have an identity that is based off of your behavior and the entire comment you just made was some intellectualized, overthinking nonsense.
wanting to send this to my dad, not wanting to deal with him feeling guilty over it and being like "I'm sorry this is just who I am"
This is such an incredible video. "It's not you, it's me" was something I could not accept.
I spent years destroying my self esteem in the hopes of crafting someone charismatic and chill.
Only to end up an anxious wreck.
I never entertained the idea that the problem wasn't within me, until now.
At 31 years old, this has only begun to make sense to me the past couple years. I spent my 20s constantly taking any advice or recommendations from my partners as criticism. Extremely defensive about everything. Mainly out of fear of being inadequate. The issues really become worse when you realize shortly after how you were acting and then expect the other person to embrace you as this loving person when you were just a complete asshole. Idk if it makes sense but this video really provides a lot of knowledge
You arent alone man. Im sure this is a big reason ive been single my whole life and the one relationship i did find was a mess for what i am assuming is this reason.
I never quite understood what women ment when they called me sensitive.
I thought it was an attack on my masculinity and calling me soft but this video makes it make sense.
I did this and it screwed up my relationship with my family members. I feel so bad for them because of what i did in the past. They say its ok they forgive me they were waiting for me to mature im 14 and i realized im not narcissistic i just picked up narcissistic traits from my mom and bullies as a defensive mechanism. And now i realize that it wasnt me it was my actions and i feel like my family doesnt truly forgive me
And now i cant seem to feel any empathy for myself because i realized my empathy for myself is what fucked things up
I just realized today. That I should let someone go, if they need space. Trust them to come back, and trust myself if I feel like I don't want them around. Letting go, and losing control of them, felt like the most liberating thing to me. Thanks Dr K for another bulb moment.
Thank you so much for this video. I have been following Dr.K for almost two years now, and this video is definitely one of the most eye-opening videos for me!
I was recently broken up with and have been trying to figure out what went wrong and learn from those experiences to hopefully be a better partner in the future. Throughout the relationship I was constantly feeling like a PoS and disappointed at myself whenever my GF was disappointed at me and would bring up numerous problems/disagreements.
Our relationship always felt stuck. Our problems seemed to always be going in circles and we often would revisit them over and over again, without much progress. And I have now realised maybe a component of this problem was because of my inability to find a corrective course of action to them because I was so stuck in my head.
I never thought I would have "narcissistic" tendencies/traits because I have incredibly low self-confidence and self-perceived value. And an incredibly powerful negative dialogue, as noted by my previous therapist. But I now realise narcissism isn't the commonly misguided definition of having excessive admiration for oneself.
Thank you for this insight Dr.K. I am grateful for all the effort you put into helping the community. P.S. I have preordered the trauma module ;)
I come from a culture where criticism is the highest form of care. If you care enough to say something, I'll take the time to analyze the statement and act on it in a manner which is beneficial to me. Even if it is in bad faith, it can still be used for the better.
There is always room for improvement. Even if the criticism comes from an unqualified individual, it can still be valuable.
Interesting, what area of this world is this culture from?
Id like to know aswell
@@monkiesbanana321 mine specifically is Northwest Indian. Where my family comes from, it's considered standard to seek mastery in whatever you do. But you aren't meant to conflate your identity with your trades/crafts. Almost everyone has some kind of art form that they practice alongside their career, usually linked to music, dance, acting, or maybe visual art. Everyone is seeking mastery in some way, shape, or form. On a more extreme note, if you aren't classically trained, you aren't allowed to have an opinion. So if a non-practitioner makes a comment, it is usually discarded immediately, unless there is some substance to the statement.
But besides the culture I grew up with, I grew up alongside lots of Southern Chinese, who grew up with an incredibly similar environment, down to the artistry and separation of identity and trade/craft. There, too, you see the idea of not being allowed to even have an opinion if you aren't trained. I don't agree with that idea, since art is ultimately subjective, but it's a paradigm that has its purpose in the pursuit of classical mastery.
@@oakuvalentine7734 answered.
@@me0101001000 man that sounds nice
This is one of the main pillars of "The Four Agreements" wisdom book I've read a few times!
A thing I've noticed is in the workplace. Managers don't want to take responsibility for their poor leadership and when you express whats wrong they throw it under the rug, restructure the route in such a way that you either sacrifice quality at work(which would result in disciplinary action) or time at home with the family. Ultimately constricting a dismissal so you will see yourself out and not cause any more problems. Happened with at least two coworkers in my same position of account managing.
I've been told this my entire life... Cathy, you take things personally. This video helped tremendously. And it's a relief to know how to handle this differently Ty for this.😊
I've often called myself a loser, that other people think that I'm a loser.
Until at 14:00 ish you started breaking down "okay so what is a loser?" and I tried to come up with this myself and I came up blank. I don't relate myself at all to what I define to be a loser nor do I think people around me think so. I've internalized so much self doubt and pressure from expectations that I never really looked at it from a point of factually being a loser instead of feeling like one.
By typing this out I realize what my next action point is, defining what makes me feel like a loser. And one of the biggest ones is the expectations other people have of me/other people.
It's hard to put in words but it's almost like feeling content won't ever feel good enough because it feels like there's always something else you HAVE to do or you're a loser.
I normally don't like to share much of my life online, but this whole video made me realize how my father really avoided taking responsibility for his faults and fixing his mistakes by framing himself as a failure, blaming us for exploiting and not loving him and making us out to be disappointments to him, to the point where we are all living in a bubble and dodging the fact that he is a mentally ill person who only cares about how strangers and coworkers perceive him and who can find justifications for taking out his frustrations on his family.
Thank you for shedding light on a major problem of my childhood, as well as my own troubles.
That sound like covert narcissism.
a very important video for me. I was diagnosed with avpd (Avoidant Personality Disorder) and this is one of the main symptoms. I hate this disorder because I can't find a lot about it compared to other disorders. And the community is also rather small. Literally no one in my area knows what it even is.
I hope you find your people. big hug
@das_evoli The reason for the lack of info may have to do with the saying "the squeaky wheel gets the grease."
The Cluster B Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic, and to a lesser degree Histrionic) tend to cause more problems for others than the other six.
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder can be a problem in society if that person is in a position of power or authority.
Dependent Personality Disorder can be a problem for caregivers.
Paranoid PD can be a problem if that person reacts to their paranoia with aggression or violence.
Schizotypal PD can be a prelude to schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders.
So that pretty much leaves Schizoid and Avoidant. Both PDs lead to people that are more passive and tend not to cause too many social problems for others. Of course this is for different reasons (Schizoid is indifferent to social interactions while Avoidant's fears keep them away from social contact that they otherwise want).
It makes sense! I am both a huge beneficiary of your videos and a coach myself. I have clients who can't hear feedback because all they hear is, you're telling me I'm wrong (or I'm doing it wrong or I did it wrong etc.). In other words, they can't get past their perception of it as a criticism and/or a personal attack. And that blinds them to being able to see the thing being pointed to.
Wow a lot of the years of struggling with my parents stuff makes way more sense now. Trying to unmesh your own issues from the ones that others “normalised” is very difficult. Thank you for helping me to understand
Many years ago, someone said that to me and I actually thought about it from an outside of myself point of view and it helped me alot. You learn to let go of bad feelings and negative thoughts bcos it doesn't matter, you know who you are so let it be. The more you react, the more people will try to piss you off. That's what I've found anyway.
This is helpful to people who have been demoralized by narcissistic behaviors. I am really grateful for the free psych content this channel puts out, a year ago as a recovering people pleaser, I wouldn't have understood this concept so I'm really grateful for this take ❤
Without even watching the video, just the title. I can say I wholeheartedly agree. As a person who rarely ever takes things personally I have sometimes had the chance to realize and look at it from the outside, a different angle. My friend is busy? No problems. Seriously stop thinking "oh he's just ignoring me".
Glad I found this video. The thieving guild is really mad at me for always taking things personally. They think I need to learn how to work as a team.
Ba dum, tsh
This video is what I needed, I don't think of myself as being a narciccist but that doesn't mean I can't display narciccistic behaviour. Thanks Dr K!
guys, my girlfriend called me autistic and I could’ve taken it personally but now I’m going to make it a goal to stop being autistic. turning a negative into a positive fellas. Let’s see you on the other side.
Look dude autism just exists sadly the truth. I have it too. Im borderline intelligence type disorder type of person
that's the joke@@Asadc1995
Not taking things personally is totally opposite of what you’re saying here. If someone demeans you, instead of thinking “I am what they say” and hurt yourself/change yourself , you probe them and ask more questions to see how they think of you. If they you think they have a bad opinion of you, you try to talk to them. If that doesn’t work you cut their ties. This how it works. Only ppl who are confident and self aware would do this.
@@kumarhari6129 I kinda agree with the cut ties with them thing you say here. But sometimes it is really hard if some periods of your life due to circumstances that you are forced to live with annoying asshole jerks types of person. But i know what you mean by that. But also talking kinda talking from my own experience. The one thing above all. When we talk about taking things personally. Is as i mentioned that random people at the streets saying whatever to me. Dont affect me at all. Because the logic is simple the chance that you meet them again is very small little it does exist but is very small little. 100 of the time it bounces off me. Rather than taking it personally all from being things to slurs too bounce off me. It only gets personal when you meet those same annoying jerks that you are forced to live together with. But thats when it gets personal in my case. But one thing above all my advice is to people. Thrive to become independent of others also financially. Even you own family. Because the reality of life is that toxic people does exists. If one is trying to lure you into drugs over social media as my own example too as you said just cut ties with them
Lean into it brother. Get really interested in trains and Batman
I have literally been struggling from the same thing recently and it is mind blowing how I just saw this video all of a sudden. There are no coincidences. I will just get straight into it and start applying these principles in my life from tonight.
Thank you.
I never could explain when people ask me why I want to talk, why I want to know what I did "wrong" . They tell me to "just let go. He/she won't tell you the truth, anyways"
Every time I got some of those last talks and felt like it could be true, I was able to question myself (after a good portion of self doubt😅) and work on whatever it was. Sometimes the critique was just hurting and I decided to let go of it anyway, because I was of a different opinion. One time even I decided to work on the exact opposite what someone told me. Because I liked to be myself more like that.
But I always have to explain myself... "I want to know what's my responsibility on this" unfortunately the people always tell you "you don't have any. It's like he/she said. It's on them, you don't have anything to do with it" and I just can't believe that.
I've always known about this with normal regular people. Even I'm guilty of it, simply not vibing with certain people well. I had a date a few months back that rejected me after four months of talking. It was fine and I enjoyed my time with her regardless. Even learned a lot from myself too.
Though I can't get around the employer and employee relationship. Idk if I'm taking this really personally or what but fuck the absolute awful time I had years of job searching showed me these employers really really fucking suck. Absolutely absurd standards it's insane. I was only able to get my first job till I was 23 and only got it through very heavy connections too, with the same org literally doing all of the work for me, my resume, the job search, everything. Never lifted a finger and even then those jobs were only temporary.
Years of experience required, Years of experience required, Years of experience required, Years of experience required for just the most basic job it's freaking infuriating. The constant intense competition too just adds more to it and then I feel shamed on top of that for not working and not being able to find a job.
It's these fucking employers constantly ghosting with ontop of that absolutely unrealistic expectations and the insane competition is what's kept me behind so much in life. I didn't go to college because I had my financial aid assistance taken away and I was trying to find any basic job just to save up and pay my way through. Literally my own education was being stifled because of these assholes.
TL;DR I absolutely hate employers and I really feel like I'm not at fault in any of this. The only thing I am at fault was putting myself through their retarded bullshit and should have at least had some self respect. But that's what they want. They want to break you so they can abuse the fuck out of you.
@@ulysses7157I got my 1st (and current) job at 23 (25 now), and while I got really lucky that my coworkers are cool, the dress code is lax, and the work is tedious at its worst; I still regularly have this underlying feeling that corporate & its allies can go fvck themselves because I am NOT about to be manipulated into being your perfect obedient wage slave who comes in 10 minutes pre-shift to do unpaid labor because they want me actively working BY the start of my shift (among other things).
I’ve always attributed that way thinking to my autism, but it’s really interesting to see another take on it
i've been feeling like i'm losing control in life. There are too many things giving me anxiety and things that i can't fix. Sometimes, i watch your videos to try and make sense of it all. Thank you for existing. I hope anyone else feeling this way know that they're not alone.
Just here to inform you that I too, took that personal.
I avoided watching this for a few days because I wasn’t ready to be called out so heavy (and probably not ready to face it) but I actually get it now and journaled to externalize my behaviors and it actually helped a lot.
Same here. Went in with a bit of fearing watching this. Narcissist is a heavy word too but overall the vid helped sm.
The thing is that that thing i like isn't harmful to me and i see it as part of my being since it's so important to me, hence it hurts be greatly when i have a close friend judge that thing and see me in a bad light because of it
I've had consistent problems with taking things personally -- It's been feedback from two different managers in two different jobs, and it indirectly led to my most recent resignation.
Unlearning the self-hate and learning to externalize is rough. But it helps a lot to see content like your channel's, thank you. I'm in a better place now and I feel like your channel came at a great time in my life for me to learn what you have to teach.
The problem with this mindset is that problematic behaviors tend to be strongly ingrained. The actionable items for someone with trauma and corresponding distrust are nebulous and the change is hard to come by. You’re giving examples of simple things like hygiene but that’s not what causes the biggest problems between people generally…
This video sincerely helped me. I have a narcissistic father and I’ve been the family mediator my whole life, however I began adopting similar behaviors as his.
With this video, I turned around me taking things personally, I apologized to a few important people, and I even convinced my father to go to counseling for the first time in his life by leading by example.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you Dr. K
It makes all very much sense to me Dr K.
My issue is as follows. I always try to moderate and adjust my behaviour towards others. I am a very agreeable personality mentally speaking.
But ot seems to never be, no matter how good or well i behave.
That leads to pain ans suffering, as I get overburdened with the constant new critic and the upkeep on the demands that are already placed on me
I feel like a small 50hp engine that is tasked to haul more and more load, just because people think I am smart/able enough to do so.
So of course I cant stop taking critic personally. I try to do so for many months now. But it still a knife in my heart if you try everything and still get critized, just because people don't want to belive me how I hard I struggle
And when I draw borders and boundaries around myself, people seem to not like me either.
Seeing as some of them just see a friendly person walled of in their own garden
It's always me that has to do the work in the end. And I am tired
I feel you. Can't say much. You are a good person I believe. You at least trying. Life is suffering anyways.
Why do you think you should be liked by everyone out there?
Someone disliking you should never have any impact on your own self-perception. That's not about you.
If someone doesn't like chocolate is it the chocolate's fault? I know it sounds silly, but it's the same concept, their taste buds don't enjoy the experience of eating chocolate. It's nothing to do with the existence of the chocolate and the many people professions and studies that goes around making chocolate.
@@hellequinm feedback an criticsm is still part of our daily life. and i am lonely
This is what I’ve been waiting for. I’m so tired of dramatic and overthinking people assaulting me or creating false gossip aka defamation about me for having a simple disagreement during a mundane conversation 🙄 This is a lesson they should hopefully learn to take in.
I am happy that you created this video. I struggle with this
Thanks so much for making this video! I really needed this guidance and I took on my first actionable item at 13:50.
I thought my personality was the foundation of influence on the world: by editing that, everything else falls into place. But i see now, after years of creating pain for my family that 'I' am not the problems, i just need to act in fixing and preventing them
7:55
>the problem isn't me
>the problem is that I'm not good enough at something
How is that not "me" being the problem? Yeah, it's something that can be fixed, but it's still my own lack of knowledge... I can't blame anyone else for it...
Maybe I'm not understand what "personal" means in this context.
the problem is not you it's what you dont know and you cant learn things you dont know from yourself
You can take steps to fix a lack of knowledge. If you make it personal you tell yourself "im a dummy and can never learn" which 1 isn't true and 2 doesn't fix the actual problem you had.
i think the point is that your skills are not “you”. It’s skill issue, not your identity
It's not about blame. It's about accountability. It's about understanding the situation instead of complaining about it. Only then can you get out of being self-centred, zoom out and make changes.
You are more than your abilities.
The title took the words right out of my mouth, I would say this to my wife and I feel like she immediately gets upset with me even though she may not outwardly express it.
Funny thing is, i cant semd this video to the people in my life who need it the most because they would definitely take it personally
Look at the other person's perspective and ask yourself what are they seeing. Now the other thing you can do is literally ask them, what is it that you are seeing, what are the things I am doing that are bothering you, what are the words I am using that are bothering you?
Have you tried this?
I don't think I fully understood when I first saw this video many months ago. I thought I did but I think I'm slowly realizing what it really means and how it feels to separate yourself from it all. It does feel liberating, just sitting with the emotions and noticing the things that affect my emotions negatively. Although it feels overwhelming at that moment, i feel the emotions wash away as I stop blaming myself or others for what I'm feeling. Thank you.
Parent: "Come here baby walk towards me!"
Months old baby: "So what are you telling me I can't walk?!"
When I read that title, I literally took the thought of that sentence personally, as I thought of somebody who take things personally is someone who is "weak", and I always had insecuritites about being just naturally sensitive than others and that it made a weak person. 😷
It's not me, it's you
I see myself both side, when I am criticizing other, i see the problem, And when someone criticize me, i used to take it personally.
Thank you for all your videos, Helps me a lot.
Somebody told me today not to worry about a certain drama and to just be myself. And I took that personally xD
Makes so much sense!! I had this issue of identity but turns out all I needed to do was take a step back and take responsibility. Also, to not take things personally outside of my control! Definitely helped ease my anxiety. Thanks Dr. K!
dudes and ladies, my recommendation is to limit the contact with those who judge, but rather seek for those who can give constructive criticism.
if your friend says you’re ugly and stupid, but can’t explain what exactly you should improve, just go away.
if your friend says you’re ugly and stupid, because you’re gonna rob a bank and kill innocent people with m-16. then it’s pretty constructive.
so seek for those who likes you, and who you like. i guess that’s not something super new, but just wanted to share:)
actually, that’s a really great video, sir!
i’m new to the channel, but i really tried this thing with externalizing the problems and it works really great:)
just look at everything in your life as it’s your best freind. YOU’re your best freind man!
peace!
Thank you so much, this actually clicked really well. I feel another thing that helped me is knowing that by sheer virtue of being a human being, you deserve to be loved and to live a happy life. So, any "attacks on your self-worth" from other people can be ignored, because you know you will always have that self-worth by default.
I haven't even seen the video yet but I feel like I will heavily agree with Dr K here already. A few weeks ago someone told me to not take a rejection personally and it literally only then clicked for me that I was taking almost every critique personally. After realizing this and why it was wrong I feel like I unlocked some kind of milestone on my way to become healthier.
Thank you HG as always! And if I can add to this video's overall point-this is where one can benefit from "equanimity". That is where you can balance both the info from your internal state and what is happening externally in order to accept responsibility while making the most sound decisions. 1) Paying attention to what your feelings are trying to tell you grants you insight and allows you to honor your feelings, 2) paying attention to the consequences of your actions also gives you insight and important context for how your internal state manifests IRL, 3) weighing both equally keeps your ego in check by grounding your thoughts and perceptions (which have both been conditioned by thoughts) in something real aka the real world, which can help guard against spiraling into self-consciousness.
These are all of the things I've had to learn the hard way so maybe this can help someone else!
Bro this is the exact video that I needed.. everyone says I take things too personally....
So now you gonna work on every single point they say? This video is bs. Ppl say shit for thousands of different reason including not liking you.
@@DB-vl9obyou sound like someone who took the video personally
@@DB-vl9obyou sound like someone who took the video personally
makes sense, enjoyed the "what do they see from their perspective? ask them what they're looking at when they say this instead of taking it personally"
I graduated with a BS in Comp Sci in 2017 and graduated FullStack Academy in April 2023. I'm over 3000 job applications with three failed interviews, eight "Thank you but we are looking at many other applicants at this time, good luck" emails, and been ghosted the rest of the time. I'm trying to not take that personally.
It's hard to not feel bad when everyone else I know have either dream jobs or are living the life they want. I'm 40, living at home, working a single part-time job, divorced, and my father makes fun of me almost daily because of my education and lack of employment. At this point in my life I'm more like an 18 year old going to their first semester of college without a major in mind. I keep wondering what I need to do and/or what I have to do to make my life work. But I'm 40, not 18. I have very little potential left.
It's hard to be living in this world and think "it's all up to me and I just have to be better" rather than "this world is f'ed and therefore so be it".
My narcissism, nihilism, and misanthropy is a defense mechanism, "It can't be me, I'm working on improving myself all the time. I'm smart, I should be successful. I know things. Complicated things. I'm a kind, generous person. I haven't failed. I haven't given up. I'm doing a lot of work. Why doesn't it matter to anyone? It must be them."
It's a tough pill to swallow to admit I have to do more. I just don't know what "more" is.
Have you had someone review one of your applications who's opinion is actually worth anything? If there is an oversight in your application then you don't want to risk being too proud to learn about it. Your story sounds similar to that of a family member, who decided after 2000 failed applications that the world doesn't want him to succeed. I then looked at their applications, and they were ass. Used a selfie with no post processing for a picture, eye rings and everything. Writing was needlessly formal, posing no incentives to the employer. CV first-to-last. Off-the-mill fonts and typography. Listless default layout and typesetting. It almost felt like they didn't want a job. Your mileage may vary, but it's something you need to take a look at before chewing on those negative thoughts. Getting basically zero responses with 3000 applications is insane. Something has to be wrong with either the applications or the way you find potential employers.
Try to take a step back and imagine you are looking at your life situation from someone else's point of view, like Dr K explains in this video. If someone you care about were in this situation, what would you think of them? What would you say to them?
@@timeforamazingchest5271 "If nothing ever good happens to you I appreciate the effort. You are doing all you can. You may not have a job, money, family, children, a job, or a path in life but you made a decision and you have to live with it. I care about you very much, but there is a chance you might get lucky someday. You work hard but that doesn't guarantee anything. Deserve has nothing to do with it. I love you anyway. Just survive and keep trying. If you want real advice you shouldn't ask me. I've told you what has worked for me and I guess I was lucky. That doesn't mean you will be. You're a smart man and a good man, but that's not valuable anymore I guess. Just do what you need to do. Don't worry about happiness. Life is suffering. Learn to live with that but also keep trying to be the person you want to be. Money isn't everything, just survive."
@@Silencer1337 I've had my friends in tech look over my resume and did everything they told me to refine. I've gotten lots of advice from them and people from the unemployment office in my city and have been keeping up with their advice. I even quit smoking and started working out so I'm more presentable in Zoom calls. I've gotten compliments doing coding exercises from hiring managers. I reapply to companies after a few months to see if they'd reconsider me. My psychiatrist wants to know what my problem is and I really don't have anything to tell him because they give me good feedback and tell me they'll schedule more interviews but I get squat. At this point I think it's demographic issues and the fact that everyone is laying everyone off and companies want to get those really experienced people. I don't blame them for that. I can't compete with people with real experience no matter how good I am. It's just one of those things.
I also graduated in Dec 2023 and submitted 1000 applications and got 1 failed interview only . This job market is very tough . I'm also almost 30 and it's been very hard on me . We can connect if you want. I'm also a CS major . But don't be too hard on yourself .🫂
I had actually never understood the expression “don’t take it personally” but the example with the beer made it so clear!
And I took that personally
this video popped up on my suggested. best video ive watched in years. i have been struggling so bad, and am trying to break the cycle of my victim mentality. this is the most helpful video i have ever seen on youtube. definitely found a new favorite creator. awesome content!!!
Do you have a video about stop comparing yourself to other and how to deal with the unsatisfaction of looking at your age number Vs the accomplishment you did and all those you've lost or still have to do?
Advice that is not just "get over it, you can't turn back time"
comparing only sees now not how they got there.
I'm a scientist so I avoid it by realizing I actually don't have enough data to accurately compare. I often don't know where they started vs where I started. I don't understand my own innate talents and potential let alone someone else's. I know that my own success is some combination of luck and skill but I am mostly clueless about that ratio and I'm even more clueless about someone else's.
Usually when people compare they are comparing their inner experience to someone else's externally observed experience. Those are already apples and oranges, even disregarding everything I've already mentioned.
Try his "Stop Comparing Yourself to Other People (Here's Why)" video from December 2022.
Thank you for making this - too many relationships end needlessly precisely because someone took feedback personally, embraced the victim mentality and got defensive/mad/melted down rather than focusing on solving the actual problem. You're helping so many people. I wish all the people who needed to see this could see it. But by putting it on the internet for free, every day more people will.
Just as many relationships end because people use "feedback" as a way of controlling other people. Sometimes things are only a problem for one person and not the other. Sometimes what is a problem for you is a gift to them.
@@treeforged9097 I hear you - nobody likes to be on the receiving end of controlling behavior, whether it's active or passive. I think this video is emphasizing the importance of taking ownership for our own reactions to things we don't want to hear Plenty of negative feedback isn't controlling, after all, but just a genuine attempt to engage the other in problem solving something that isn't working. When someone raises a concern it doesn't much matter whether the other person agrees it's a 'valid' issue or not - it comes down to whether the two people are willing to work it through so they're both feeling comfortable, or whether it's simply a matter of incompatibility which means the relationship needs to be reframed - divorce? less close friendship? estrangement? or whatever. I liked this video because it can help with self-awareness and recognizing counterproductive behavior patterns in ourselves and others. Communicating with a problem-solving mentality and with as much good faith, open-mindedness, curiosity and civility as we can muster, while resisting the reflex to project intent on the other - while ultimately recognizing and respectfully setting boundaries based on own needs and limits - is the ideal our community here is striving for.
I’m taking that personally
Yes, it makes sense. While in the depth of my depression and dysmorphyia, I constantly self-compared and tore myself down.
Eventually, I took steps to start improving myself through watching healthy content on RUclips, like your channel, and working out.
Eventually, slowly, I started to diminish my depression, dysmorphyia, and comparing myself to everyone.
So, as you stated, I stopped internalizing everything and started to figure out how to change, grow, and improve.
I think sometimes narcissists use the "taking it personally" teachnique to not have to take responsability. They don't really take it personally, they just don't care.
Well, I believe perhaps you are giving them too much credit. The impression I am getting from what you are saying (and correct me if I am wrong), is that they are in control of their emotions and coldly decide to instill guilt in you to deflect the subject.
In my experience with so many family members, they are absolutely so out of control of their emotions that they really believe you hate them whether they do something or not. So I believe the explosion is real, and they get self deflected from the subject to a cesspool of crap inside of them and they tend to take you too to it. That's when empathy is not so great tbh. I believe I am less empathetic because of dealing with people like this so many times in my life but it has improved results enormously in terms of my emotional wellbeing. So when that happens it's like watching a cartoon, and by not let yourself get carried away you can actually help them if they can be helped.
@@constantinotiniacos6192 I think there are different types of narcissists. I can definitively see there are narcissists like what you are describing who are much more explosive and insecure. What you decribe sound like a mix of narcissism and borderline personality.
Both my parents are narcissist and just like a child may lie they also lie to avoid consequences or taking responsability. They're playing dumb but just don't want to be called out. "Oh so now you'll saying I'm a bad mother huh! You're saying this about me you should be ashamed!" and I'm like "No, I said can you knock on the door before opening it." My mother never believed I hated her until I straight up told her I hated her. I think my mother's motivation was more revenge and hatred/disgust towards me than insecurity, even if there probably were insecurities. She even read a book on manipulation so that gives me the feeling she may know what she was doing.
I think something common for all narcissists is lack of empathy and lack of self awareness. But I don't dare to dispute Dr K
On a side note, it's cool if you can avoid getting caught up into her emotions but make sure you're not dissociating.
@@thisisntallowed9560 I think I can know where you are coming from. I remember finding a book, "The Prince" of Nicolas Maquiavelo (I think is Nicolo Maquiavelli), which has all these tactics of manipulation to secure the kingdom. My father had underline many passages about how to deal with an enemy.
So, I wonder if your mother feels you are manipulating her too. That's what an egoic defense mecanism goes to when it's feeling hurt. Many narcicist have great guilt issues, because where also abused by it, so they go like:"Hmmm you made me feel guilty and now I feel bad. Now I'll learn do the same". Instead of taking a step back and reflecting on... "what things I might have done to contribute to this?".
So it's definetely a big ego thing. As a narcicist upbringing survivor I sometimes notice I have a big ego, and I am noticing how is making things extra hard, because I have to wrestle: First unsurpress the emotions the ego send to me, and then try to find the truth to it when I get to a calm mind while dealing with all the distracting bs it sends me. It's ridiculous, Haha.
*I gave this video a thumbs up advisedly* because, in a lot of situations, telling someone to not take things personally is gaslighting - the person so advising is trying to evade responsibility for downing or otherwise bullying you.
Here, it may be wise to "look at yourself in the mirror," but only when you're away from the bully/critic. Also, it may be good to see his/her point-of-view, but only because it's good to "know your enemy."
I think I need to rewatch this a few times for it to truly click with me lol, but I do think this will help me a lot.
what’s funny about this video is i started naturally doing this after watching so many of doctor ks videos over the years. thank you brotha.
I thought narcissists never take accountability for anything, the exact opposite of what is being described here. I’m so confused. 😥
My experience with narcissists is that they take everything personally, but at the same time never take any self accountability. It’s a very weird combination. I understand it from a psychological point of view in that it’s a self protection mechanism to having low self esteem, but I still find it odd. Low self esteem + not having the tools to fix oneself + low resilience is a bad combination.
Dude sometimes other people is the problem in ones life othertimes its sometimes one that is his own worst enemy. I kinda talk from experience when we talk about living with other kinds of toxic and even provoking types of people living on the same place where taking things personally becomes harder to resist taking personally. Most of the times its alot easier with random people at the streets to not taking it personally but when it becomes something repeatable over time then when it is harder to not taking it personally. The reason it is easier with random people on the street is that the chance to meet them again is very little
@AlRevis-yc2nf except this is a psychology channel so I’m assuming people are using it with the proper definition.
Just because people use it incorrectly, doesn’t mean its real definition has changed. People saying anti-social when they mean asocial is just as irritating to me.
Hi Dr K! I’m a therapist and a big fan of your work. I have learned so much from you and I wanted to give something to you. That might be helpful on this subject.
First, I want to acknowledge Dr. John Connelly the hypnotist who trained me. He has a process called shifting internal geography, which is absolutely beautiful and it really helps clients distinguish the difference between themselves and behavior, thoughts, feelings, and preferences. I have had a lot of luck helping my clients make this shift using this process.
Dr K is pumping out amazing content lately!
My supervisor oftenly pointed out my mistakes and I took that personally thinking he thought I was not skilled enough. Overtime, I learned to swallow my anger and do what he told me. I got better that way. But after watching this, I realized I didn't take it right either. I need to seperate skills development including professional behaviors from my identity. Thank you!
Dr K, I Can't tell when I have taken something personally vs when someone is being mean to me/not treating me well. How do we figure it out?
Where I’m getting lost is when the criticism is less about an external behavior (e.g., alcoholism, etc.) and more about our essence (e.g., you’re too sensitive, mean, nerdy, etc.). It’s difficult NOT to take things personally the more personal the critique.