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The ANXIOUS & AVOIDANT relationship dynamic
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- Опубликовано: 15 авг 2024
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Even if you’re secure, someone’s avoidance can draw you into an anxious state.
Watch her video on detachment
29 years old guy here: I've stumbled on your channel 2 weeks ago and feel like I've already learned so much from you. You telling (in another video) about how you used to be anxiously attached and have gotten better now, gives me hope, that I can do, too. You're basically like a big sister I wish I had in my life to seek advice from. :)
Wow, thanks!
Same here ❤
Can you give me the video link you watched before?
@@ANU-pz5bx ruclips.net/video/TDGj1nAt_N8/видео.html Especially 16:05 of that video was such a nice thought
@@ANU-pz5bx I guess the video is pinned on top of her channel :)
Hi, my girlfriend is anxiously attached, I've recently figured myself out that I may be avoidant and I want to change for the sake of her, myself and our relationship. Watching this video really helped me understand her more and it gives me more hope that we can work out.
A big thank you from all of us anxious people for actually wanting to change. She is a lucky girl.
So cute ❤
I recently discovered I have an anxious attachment style and I am addressing this issue now in therapy. Current long distance (avoidant) boyfriend started to behave exactly like my ex (also LDR) did. At first I thought, omg, I have a type. Then I realized that two completely different guys cannot be the problem, it must be something I do and then men react in a specific way. You know what they say, if you go somewhere and it smells like s**t, leave. But if it smells like s**t everywhere you go - check your shoe. Your videos helped me to realize and address that.
I feel your LDR-with-an-avoidant pain. I’ve thought similarly that I was attracted to a type. I think I may be that in addition to being an anxious type myself. The LDR thing virtually insures an avoidant type relationship even if only because of the physical distance.
My “gf” once asked what my love language was. I hadn’t heard of the concept so I googled it and took the short online quiz. She said she was “quality” time and I turned out to be touch. Phone and text seem to satisfy her needs but, mostly due to distance, my touch needs seldom get met. This results in not feeling very positive or very satisfied…and with the lack of direction our relationship “thing” seems to be going. I’m left in a constant state of anxiety. I become my own worst enemy at that point.
More recently I see myself and this situation a little differently as my sister turned me on to attachment styles and then I discovered No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover. The title is not what I though it was. It’s eye-opening for me.
Anywho, I’m so grateful for the videos on this channel. They give me hope that I can change and change my behavior with others.
@@robbielauderdale4143 I really appreciate that you commented this. I’m currently in a LDR with an avoidant. I myself am anxiously attached. More than ever because of her distant nature. My love language is quality time so texts and calls “do it” for me. Hers is physical touch. All I can think of recently is that she isn’t happy or will become unhappy because her love language isn’t being met. I know the days she’s busy and barley texts it’s because of work.
For some reason in the past- she could go days with barely talking to me and Is some how surprised that it’s upsets me.
👀 😂 *Those two lines beFoRe the lasT line is hiLaRiouS wiTTy goLd.!* 🔑 💎
@@accuratepredictions26exactly!
I had a secure attachment but during my marriage I found myself becoming anxious due to my husband being avoidance. I’ve just realised this and I feel so helpless
Same.
Why do find ourselves with an Avoidant? They are wonderful in the beginning and no red flags. You think its safe and you attach and then the richter scale is a 10 by their suddent shift.
I couldn’t relate to this more
I absolutely agree. I realized just recently that my last relationship made me gradually heal from my anxious attachment style. I went from shaking during arguments due to the fear of being abandoned, and the partner getting tired of me, to standing up for myself and realizing that this relationship was not something that I wanted. Maybe I was scared of being lonely. So, at the end, I broke up with them. This was unthinkable for my past self, since I always thought that I needed that person by my side. It took me some time, but I noticed that as months went by, the arguments were getting more and more intense because I would not put up with their behaviour... then, I reached my limit. The fear of abandonment was replaced by a question, which was "is this how a relationship should be? am i better off alone?"
Bravo👏🏻 the first step to start for this who are anxious attached: its to be alone. An anxious attached personn can’t live or be alone. Impossible. U have to push yourself alone by being alone first. Single during 1 year or more. If aleeady in relation but things are not going well, u need to broke then heal by being alone. Learn to be with yourself alone living alone go iut alone Watch Tv alone go for drink alone. The first tree month will be very very hard… u can ofc meet Friends but dont put them to not feel alone. You hace to be in your room, in your bed in you house alone, step by step this loneliness u will appreciate it, and then wgen you will be mire comfirtable with this loneliness by reading a book alone, Cook alone , you will like it so much then thé n’est avoidant or drama in your Life! Then it be like a big warning a bis red flag! Bcz you use to be peacefull minded with your lonliness first then . Being secure its thé capacity to stay with yourself without being annotons scary abt you ownself
I healed my codependency by being single for two years. The truth is there is work to be done in relationships and work to be done while single. There are certain things you can't heal if you're always in a relationship.
How did you do it, I ended a situation with a girl who was avoidant and I know that I’m too needy, clingy, and over depend on them for my happiness
@@therandomdude7347learn about CTPSD and codependency. Tim Fletcher and Lisa Romano have the best videos on the topic. you can get therapy or join their coaching programs. Listen to those self love meditations (I do that a lot)
how have you healed? what have you been doing in those two years?
Thank you so much Margarita. I never thought I was anxiously attached until I’ve started living with my husband who is extremely avoidant. His distance and coldness which I didn’t see when we were dating (and not sharing a flat) because we saw each other once a week and he was very engaged. Once we shared a space. Boom! The lack of attention and care sent me through a massive spiral. I’ve been starved emotionally and sexually. Now we have two small kids and I often feel like we’re more of coworkers than a couple. I hate it.
as cruel as it may sound, but I'm so grateful to you for sharing your experience about your marriage with avoidant. It's reassuring for me to see what my life could turn into if we would'n break up with my dismissive avoidant partner with who we lived together, therefore I already could see his tendency of lacking effort and intimacy, but I used to reassure myself that this is something temporary and we can work on this. I guess I dodged the bullet...:)
You have no idea how much you have helped me through this month! I have binged watched a lot of your videos and they have really inspired me to take a look at myself. I can see my anxious attachment so clearly now…I’ve literally cringed when I think of my past behavior. Thank you for showing me that there is hope ❤
Well said! Exactly the same for me. I feel like my behavior is changing towards my avoidant partner to a more secure place just by recognizing when I'm being anxiously attached. It's not even a truly conscious thing sometimes. Knowledge truly is power. Thank you, Margarita!
So insightful!!!
Ditto!
Same here! Have binge watch all her videos this past month
Totally relate to this comment! Same here
You attach to people who are healthy for you. You avoid narcissistic bullies and those who manipulate you to their own ends. Keep your barriers high and totally ignore people who do not care one iota about you, never have cared about you and never ever will.
I have an anxious attachment, and you're the first one who has actually told me how to start changing this within myself. Thank you so much! My girlfriend is an avoidant, go figure. I love her to death and am going to work hard to change myself.
I’m stuck in this now. It’s really a struggle. It’s not my first rodeo either I somehow usually always end up in this dynamic. It’s challenging and idk if we can make it. I think avoidants can at times have beautiful traits but their distancing and self sabotaging behaviors really destroy the good times. It’s really sad truthfully. I’ve come a long way with managing my anxiety on my own but they tend to push your limits where you just shut down and want to leave as you become more secure. There’s only so much someone can take. It’s about 2 people
Find a secure partner. Avoidants, if they are working on this, are okay too but still it's hard.
Avoidants put themselves and anxious types put others on a pedestal.
Which is why they naturally pair up.
I don’t think most avoidant people put themselfs on a pedastal.
@@mariahgraham8366 They blame and put others below them. And I've witnessed it.
@@jaredvaughan1665 yes that’s a known thing. Most attachment literature says avoidants think higher of self than others while anxious thing higher of others than self
@@jaredvaughan1665 that’s generalizing an entire group. The way they project might come across as they blame others. But avoidant still a insecure attachment. They have things to work on just as much as someone anxious attachment.
After a few years of dating my ex, while running my own business, doing my own renovations and having the anxious avoidant constantly having issues I was supposed to support while flip flopping in and out, I had enough. The last and final time he asked for space, again, during one of the few times I needed a hand, as usual, I left him to have all the space in the world. I dont need flaky people around accusing me of being anxious when Im more then confident in myself. Why should I be a good supportive friend when there is no equal give and take. If thats being needy or controlling in his mind, well cool beans then. Ah peace and quiet. Drama free 2023.
I agree.. we go in these relationships in a good space although we may have anxiety about other things or may have heal from an anxious attachment prior to meeting them. These avoidant people activate anxiety x10 in people and then call us crazy for reacting while they go on about their day. Mines don’t ask for space he just disappears and comes back like nothings happened and expects me to spoil him like he didn’t just scramble my mind a moment ago. It is very draining and getting old now that I stop for a moment and looked at his patterns
@@luludouglas6647so true! Before I got married I wasn’t the anxious type, avoidant ex husband made me so by his inconsistent behavior, I developed anxiety disorder, started taking pills and was no longer anxious, my love was just destroyed by him, but I still felt a steady connection like a secure type, but disappointed and numb, in the end he left me after his therapy with his psychologist saying that he had worked his childhood mother issues with me ( a year before he injured my arm severely). So why should we steady sensitive people be blamed for getting anxious when some SOB starts behaving like a jerk!!? Victim blaming, as it is
My life moves with grace.
I use my intuition wisely.
I see connections and the deeper truths.
All that I need is within me.
I dwell in the state of presence.
I am a timeless, eternal being,
connected to the wisdom of the Universe.
I see challenges in my life with great clarity.
I learn from the challenges in my life,
they are spiritual lessons.
I love and accept myself.
I open myself to insights and clarity.
My husband is the anxious attached one. I'm the avoidant one. I feel suffocated most of the time. He calls me 100 times a day and tells me he loves me every second he gets. If I ask for space he suddenly becomes sick. It started very early in our relationship and friends always said to me I'm lucky to have a guy who adores me that much. They made me feel like I was ungrateful for not wanting him by my side every second of everyday. But now I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.
I'm so sorry to hear. I have anxious attachement and my gf is avoidant. From my experience I can say that he becomes sick when you ask him for space because he is so afraid to lose you. Not becouse he does not trust you but because he does not trust himself, that he is worthy of you, so he is seeking validation from you.
Try to tell him that "if you give me more space I will call you back" or just do something first. I know it is hard to do when he suffocates you with his attention so much. But your 1 call to him will replace 10 calls that he does to you. If you tell him you love him first, he won't repeat it so much. If you call him for a walk, he won't need a new one so soon. And after that ask for more space. You also can just say straight: "I love you, I`m not going to leave you, I don`t look for anyone else. But I need more time for myself. It does not mean I love you less, I just do it different, because people are different". At least I repeat it to myself in my relationship and I'm trying to not push my gf so much. She already left me once 2 years ago and now we are back together and I'm trying to change my loving style instead of trying to change her. I still often think "she doesn't love me." but then I can think "would she came back to me if she hadn't? Whould she text me, call me for a walk then? It is just her love style and I'm worring because it is mine. There is actually nothing to worry about!". You should get it to your husband somehow. Wish you luck!
Yea you’re not wrong in feeling that way. That’s way way too much and you can’t be responsible for someone either. That sounds pretty codependent.
@@blackjack8480 yea it’s hard I was more anxious most of my life but am realizing how toxic some of that behavior was and being with someone more avoidant is actually really helping me see my side and work on this stuff alone and funny enough he’s coming closer and we are happier. It’s about breaking the cycle. Takes one to start to shift the dynamic and pattern of behavior. I’m finding self soothing and not reacting and changing my negative beliefs about people I date is really helping. It’s true most of the time it’s not about you and if you start to change that assumption you’ll see it’s not and feel happy you don’t react and funny enough you start to get the other person to feel safer and happier around you too breaking that dynamic
@@blackjack8480 Thanks for sharing this story. Can I ask, how is the relationship going now that time has passed and you both (I assume) understand each other's attachment styles? Is it a lot better than it was before?
@@natebot321 I still don't feel completely comfortable alone. But after all that time we were separate we both did't have other partners and now we realised that we are the most comfortable together. I still have anxious thoughs like "she doesn't text me because she doesn't love me" but then I think if that was true she would never come back, but she did! She is just busy most of the time so I try to concentrate on my own things. I think I just behave as I would behave without her. And I am happy when she finally writes and we go for a walk. I want to give her all the time and effort I have but now I know that this is not what she needs because her life style is different. I do not wait my kind of love from her anymore. I lowered my expectations from any relationships in general. We also talk about our feelings more. She promised immediately tell me if there is something wrong. And she does sometimes. I can't say I am completely satisfied, I still would like to do more things with her more often, but I am much happier now than before!
I got the book Attached on your recommendation and let me tell you - it is blowing my mind and I know it will change my life. I didn’t realize I was avoidant!!!! With a dash of anxious, so technically disorganized attachment.
Same.
Whose the author? Please share details.
@@TommyLika “attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
Same, I just finished the book a couple weeks ago. It really has changed my perspective as well. In my current relationship I am quite anxious, but in the past have been avoidant. so I am also disorganized. Cheers to being more secure! I am now onto Adults of Emotionally Immature Parents on her book list.
acknowledgement is the first step in healing 💞
This is the most succinct video on anxious and avoidant relating I’ve seen in my hundreds of hours of RUclips watching.
Have you watched Thais Gibson with the Personal Development School RUclips channel?
@@suras8984I have, and I love her too especially because she’s a recovered FA and my partner is FA. But this video in particular really tells it like it is for both me and my significant other. Have you watched Alan Robarge? He is a psychotherapy genius, I highly recommend him if you’re on this journey!
I'm an avoidant attacher and I partially disagree Margarita. For me it's more of a feeling of being "in-adequate" myself a lot of times. Insecurities. Feeling like I'm "too much" for ppl. Or annoying. Or not perfect enough, because I was striving to be perfect myself in childhood, since I didn't get the attention and love I wanted. Also never asked for it! Found ways of fulfilling my needs myself. But not because we prefer doing so!! But because asking for smth is perceived as burdening someone. And I never wanna "burden" someone. That's how an avoidant operates mainly from my perspective and not because I don't want someone close to me. quiet the opposite. the cravings are at times so strong and yet the distorted ego self is coming up with these BS reasons why I'm not loveable enough. Though I know it's a damn lie in my head!!
It could also come from a place of getting hurt. Most men hate being emotionally hurt. Women deal with emotional hurt faster and better. Men seem to struggle with it, specially the avoidant ones...
@@deepdiver849 oh most definitely yes! Of course who likes to be hurt right?!.! I stopped counting how often I got hurt and betrayed. And a big thing around that is our self concept. It never ceases to amaze me how much there is to learn about our psychology. Our operating realities. Quantum physics and techniques! In this scenario I found the most helpful to know HOW I am creating a different outcome or change my attachment style. And the answers seem to be always the same, though expressed in different words. You basically gotta get familiar with the EMBODIMENT of the desired “state”. Yes I am acknowledging tending to express a certain attachment style. But I’m not going to DEFINE myself by it! And simply practice and AM the new version of my lovely Self, which is that of an open, trustworthy, loving and caring SECURE ATTACHER. It is so and so it is 🤗🧡
I would have thought from your description you are fearful-avoidant. But yes I totally hear you ❤
I can relate 100%! Spot on. Thanks for expressing how I feel.
This is more like me as well. I felt flawed and had several ways to attempt to compensate. I certainly avoidant style sabotaged relationships. Self-reliance is compulsive, and co-regulation has to be learned.
Can you please please do a video on how to forgive yourself and healing and letting go AFTER losing an important relationship due to having anxious attachment style (and you didn’t know you had it until it was too late). Love your videos ❤
100% me. I feel the same way. I had no idea that I have anxious attachment style.. and lost a person that I really liked.
Same here
Same hete
Same here
I am an anxious attachment style in a relationship with a dissmissive avoidant. I know i am not healed in any way.... But being told that "it has nothing to do with you" hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am giving my DA partner a chance to work on things with these new insights. But after being dumped twice over text message, I have been so incredibly messed up and desperate to keep him.
After hearing this video, I went from severe anxiety to being 100% ok with him walking out of my life if he wants to.
I know there is still a long way to go... But this video really made me self aware.
Ty, I'm in an 17 year relationship and 13 years married of it. This is my husband and I. We're both working on this and it's been an amazing journey. ❤
you give me hope… everyone else here says it‘s the worst struggle
Would love to see a video on dealing with anxiety when you break up with someone you love because you feel neglected in the relationship ❤️ thank you so much for your amazing work and message
Ouff me too
Me anxiously attached and my parents being completely avoidant towards me and others really ruined me but am trying to become securely attached now, the book "Attached" and your videos have been really helpful in this journey ❤
Thank you! That was valuable content 💕. I was told by both a Social Worker & Spiritual Guru, to become Secure Attachment Style...write a list of all the qualities & traits you'd want in a significant other & then become that person. I have been working on my list for about 2 years now 😊.
It's been slow & steady, as I've had alot of trauma to work through, but I've noticed a huge difference in myself & I'm loving the new me 💕
That’s a great way to think about it - and what to do !
I’m onto it ❤
I really love and appreciate the vulnerability and authenticity of your videos. Working on yourself is not always easy and is very humbling. Love your courage!
Thank you so much!
I paid for a question still no response it’s a week now
@@AyanAli-sy2vq How much u pay?
The timing of this is unbelievable. Meeting the guy I’m in a situationship with tonight, he gives me such mixed signals, classic case of anxious-avoidant dynamics. I feel like I can show up to him tonight without letting my anxiousness strangle him but as a secure adult with wants, boundaries and self-respect instead. Thanks so much Margarita ❤
@asu ah this makes me day, thanks! He rescheduled to tomorrow 😅 to be continued..
Can you update us on this? Did it work out?
@@Softheartedrose I saw him this week, and he acted all normal, no mixed signals (it were his text messages which came across avoidant) so I decided to not start any discussion, to just enjoy the moment. I guess this video helped me realize how to better deal with my anxiousness and not make him obliged to take it away. As my situationship with him progresses, I’ll gradually seek more closeness, but I can do that with confidence now not out of neediness.
OMG I've been already in a group with one such guy. The thing is I'm too afraid to even admit that in front of him that I have a crush on him. And he gives me mixed signals too 😭
Margarita! I just discovered you a couple weeks back and I feel sooo blessed to have found you! All of the topics you talk about have been what I've been dealing with in my marriage (my husband is the avoidant one) . . . I've realized I've been pushing for too long and swimming against the current, when becoming secure solves basically everything.
Would adore more videos on being in feminine energy, cause that has been rocking my world, as well!
Thank you SO much for your work!
Videos like these really make me believe in hope for humanity, it was so well done, clearly spoken and right to the point. Great job and valuable information, I also loved the authenticity in your energy from this video, I could’ve listen to you a lot longer. Than 19+. As a healing an Avoidant, I can identify with so many points, but to be on my way to secure, I’ve also realized I also don’t show those negatives natures as much. Growth feels like I’m granted an opportunity for extra breath
I dated a girl that had a strong monotone personality and being single for 3 years, laid off I realized I developed and anxious attachment.
When I met her, she was very masculine energy and when she text less and less I started to get anxious. Finally she told me she wasn't interested and we could be friends. The breakup really messed with me and made me realize that I was so anxiously attached to someone, I've never felt this way.
from experience, avoidant men can ruin a secure woman's patterning too. run, run, run away :) find someone healthy and save yourself the trouble.
Their need for space has nothing to do with you.
Whew! That sent off a light bulb as I've been having an anxious moment. I didn't act upon it. I was happy to see this new video, tho 😅 Thank you! ❤💥🙏🏽💪🏽✨️
Was with an anxious. Literally felt like I was being suffocated. OMG. Had no idea what was going on. Dated occasionally. Lasted a month. Decided we were a couple after day 2
Your communication skills are amazing. This is your third video I am watching. First was a while ago and I couldn't find it after watching. Second I watched yesterday and saved it. Listened to it and started the work. And it did wark for me straight away yesterday. Today third video - paused half way through to subscribe+like+comment. Keep doing the great job you're doing. Thank you from all my heart ❤️ Be well, God bless you
Thank you for the sub. It means I can work more and make more of this content xx
@@Margarita.Nazarenko My pleasure. I've also sent two links to your videos to my friend who will definitely benefit from the content you provide (don't have many English speaking friends).
You've got way to little subscribers for the work you do. Amazing. One more time. Thank you very much! And please keep up with your work🙂
I’ve drastically improved my disorganized/anxious leaning attachment style towards to far more secure. It’s possible 💕
Good to hear that ❤
Could you please give some ideas which helped you
@@anumsehar3589 shadow work and working through triggers as they come up. not enabling yourself further when you're triggered (not reaching out to avoiddant when triggered. self soothing when triggered. putting the phone down. activley looking for ways to self-sooth in moments of distress.) basically - noticing when you're triggered and observing yourself - reacting slowly and remembering that what others do is not in your control, so you might as well release the energetic responsibility of it youve created- because you'll never actually have it.
I have both( disorganized). And it has messed up so many relationships and friendships and other things for me so far. But mostly the relationship with myself. But I know my triggers now. I’ve become so aware of triggers, how my body reacts and how to cope. But its not easy. These things are not conscious. It takes alot of selfwork, personally I wouldnt be aware without therapy. Hope one day I can go from disorganzied to healthy.
I just shut the door forever on a relationship with a fearful avoidant attached woman. I do have anxious attachment and knew it. I managed it, gave her space and everything. I still got pushed away. I loved her and her daughter. She was like a drug to me. Never felt anything like her. Said no one ever treated her as well yet I got rejected and found her dating profile. I was absolutely devastated. Closed all contact forever. My heart is so broken. She was the most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. I’m devastated
I’m so so sorry
My 5 1/2 yr love of my life DA bf
just broke up with me. It’s been 7 weeks. I am wrecked. I know I’m anxious. But I’m giving him space. Praying hard he comes back. Also looking for him on dating apps sadly. God bless our journeys
This is 100% my marriage dynamic. Absolutely spot on Brilliant stuff to the point where it's almost shatters the concept of uniqueness. Unless I suppose that uniqueness might be the strong suit of the securely attached?
I think I’m both avoidant and anxious. Thanks for your content.
I’m driving to my job right now , and crying so hard because this is exactly my relationship with my ex , is so hard to accept and understand it but it really helps to heal , my therapist says , that understanding help is to release and is very truth
This video is so useful. I only discovered today that I'm likely avoidant while I knew for a few days my partner was anxious. Of course I blamed her for s recent bit of tension and went searching for videos to explain her problems, only to accidentally have my problems exposed (a trap I _keep_ falling into.) I'm glad to say we do talk things through and do listen to each other and manage to stop being defensive, yet the same clash of styles comes up repeatedly and I keep being blind to how I'm triggering her, only realising the next day.
I was securely attached until getting married. NOW i come up as Avoidant, because my husband is SUPER anxious and clingy.
I've recently discovered your channel and you OPENED MY EYES. What a relieve to finally get an explanation for literally everything that happened and is still going on in my life. Just like you, I was an anxious attached person in my masculin energy, doing everything to make my previous relationship work. I was an emotional people-pleaser trying to control everything and justifying myself to everyone. After 5 years he did something terrible, and that was the only way I could have ever ended that unhealthy relationship. I am very grateful for that, because otherwise I would have died young and unhappy. Two weeks after that I met my current partner and I'm sure he is my forever man. He's aware that he's an avoidant and has already done some serious self-work. But it's a never ending growing journey and we both have a backpack full of difficult experiences. We've already had a lot of difficult discussions over the year, but I've been working hard on self-regulating and effectively communicating my needs. Recently I felt stuck in my healing journey and your insights are the last puzzle pieces I need to move forward, take ownership over my life and become more free & happy. Looking forward to your podcast & more videos! Thank you endlessly, love from Belgium xxx
I started watching your videos every morning before going to work while i do my makeup on my ipad and its been such a good dose of good talk ❤️
This was very stop on. I will take notes on this. Ugh this journey feels so tiring. But there’s no other option.
‘Need to constantly see myself thru their eyes in order to feel alive, happy and good.’
Oof that hit home.
This is a fantastic channel ❤
The universe speaks through you!!
If I tell an avoidant person that he should depend on other people and that he might end up alone - he says well I recommend that everyone becomes independent rather than dependent on someone and if I am alone, I am very happy. I am left with no counterargument arghhh
This is something I've learned in my past relationship. I didn't know anything and was always nervous about how things were going, if I was doing it right, etc. Through my relationship I worked on myself and learned a lot. Maybe a bit ironic but I also learned that I deserved better. Before I didn't think I was worthy or appealing enough to be in a relationship, but now I know I am. And I deserve better then being an after thought.
Just met someone whos avoidant and seems to have some sort of disorder thinking everyone is out to get them and no trust on anyone... while now realizing I'm the anxious type and have fear of abandoment... been a real emotional struggle but glad I've noticed what's going on. I'm at the limit because they keep blaming and cornering me with things too and it hurts a lot. Even if you care for them a lot there's still a limit how much you can take and I am very close to just being avoidant towards them too, I need my positive good vibes back.
Great videos, they have been very helpful for myself (anxious) and my man (fearful). We are both motivated to learn, change and grow. Can you make more attachment healing videos. My man has ADHD and a lot of speakers lose him, but you keep his attention. We also appreciate not sugar coating what the motivations are in our behaviors. It really opened my eyes to how my actions were manipulative, I don't know why I didn't realize that before. So thank you, hope you make a few more.
I have to say that I have employed one tip that you have suggested a while back and it has dramatically improved my relationship with my husband. The tip was when he’s saying some thing that I think is completely unreasonable, like some random purchase or some wild thought like we should drive four hours to pick up an ATV, then drive four hours back and then drive five hours in the opposite direction to our farm house to drop it off there… I no longer bombard him with the logical reasons why it’s a bad idea. I simply say OK if that’s what you want we can think about it a little more. He tends to come up with these wild ideas when he’s on call because his brain just wants to escape being on call, and I’ve learned by years with him and observation that these are just passing fancy‘s and they do not need to be turned into full blown arguments. He usually talks himself out of these insane ideas and now we don’t have to argue about it at all. So thank you!!
I had the same thing with my adult daughter 😄 I also say ok we can give it some thought or just listen without reacting and it usual just dissolves itself. It’s been a blessing😊
👍 *ThanK you foR shaRinG thaT wise maRRiaGe nuggeT.!* 💎 🍻
Thank you for including the male perspective in your videos-we can be anxious too! Really enjoy your perspective on attachment.
You are so welcome!
9:49 😮😮😮 wow this is powerful!! Thank you, I am healing so much from your talks. I’ve read so many books on this, I’m 35 yrs old…but it never clicked until now, the details you share about your own experiences are SO HELPFUL. I cannot express enough gratitude ❤ 🙏🏼
I feel like I'm at church and this is divine revelation!!!!! Gosh, this is good!
I've come across your videos yesterday and I can truly say that your videos are the best thing that has happened to me. Cause now I understand myself and my boyfriend even better. Cause it like you said we definitely have this relationship. And now I understand why he always checks out when I try to explain why I'm hurt. So many thanks
LOVE THIS and would looooooooove more content on healing from anxious and thriving with an avoidant!
You very clearly explain this dynamic so well and it’s helped me understand my own relationship dynamic very quickly and easily. Thank you!! If you did a master class specifically about this dynamic from the viewpoint of an anxiously attached individual. I’d be extremely interested!
Thank you for your channel and this video, I've found the exact words that I needed to hear. I myself anxiously attached and my boyfriend is a lot like avoidant. Now I understand how it works and I am working on my attachment to become more and more secure. Your example inspires me. Thank you ❤
I am from Russia and I am happy that I speak english, so I understand everything in your videos
This worked for me last time in December! He came to visit me and we had a loving time together. Trusting god that this time this will work too and me and my partner will be reconnected again 💛💛
Truly want to say thank you for your videos. They’ve been a tremendous help for me me wife and I’s dynamic so far in the beginning of understanding. As an anxious attachment myself, I never understood why I felt the way I did and stopped fulfilling my dreams everytime I was in a relationship but because of your videos, things have already started to look up! I can’t thank you enough! I’m looking forward to being fully secure within myself 💪🏾🔥❤️
Margarita, I needed this video today especially at this time in my life.
I love that I found your channel and that you are speaking about this important subject. I am in a my 40's and I am a single Dad of a teenage girl. I am just now realizing that I have to heal and overcome my own Anxious Attachment issues. This is ruining my relationships.
I realized this as I was recently dating a beautiful Avoidant Attachment woman.
I love that you love Iron Maiden also. Up the Irons!👊
very INTRESTING ! I am 49 , after 2 marriages ( each of 10 years) and now in a relationship with a 61 year old Narcissist ...... You seem to be a very INSIGHTFUL at your young age ! Bachelor in Art and course in coaching, but honestly your wisdom is very very MATURE and greatly accurate . Thank you . Keep doing this Chanel because you have MUCH good stuff to share in a very kind, calming, effective manner. thank you
Thank you so much for making these videos! I found you looking at videos trying to heal anxious attachment. I am really going through it working on healing my attachment style. I have sabotaged so many relationships because of this. I am so thankful for my current partner who is so patient and loving and helps me talk these things through. “You can make a secure person avoidant” that hit so hard! Thank you!! 🙏🏽
I usually begin or embark on a relationship with some security and some confidence, considering what I’ve experienced previously but I’ve become very skilled at reading the room. I’m typically an anxious attachment individual and eventually I will become fearful of abandonment, although I’m never really clingy, I just state my assertions where necessary. Unfortunately, my experience is always with avoidant types, and I don’t want to vilify them because I know they have their own slew of issues but the moment I feel completely invalidated I find I’m much quicker to let the person walk instead of trying to hold them. And my fears of abandonment are HEAVY, but I’m exhausted. And I go through it when they’re gone, but I typically burn the bridge now before they can. I haven’t balanced this yet.
So grateful that I found this! I could not figure out what’s the problem is and why do I feel like this all the time. At this point, I feel so bad that I am ready to do anything just to get rid of anxious attachment.
You are an amazing lady! Thank you for your advice! Listening to you makes me think logically instead of emotionally. I am trying to work through my anxious attachment. I gotta master the “Let them” theory.
You are changing my life.
As a girl transitioning to adulthood and trying to level up and find myself as a woman, I honestly cannot thank you enough.
I take my notes, I watch your videos tons of times until it sticks to me.
Seriously thank you for your wise words. Love your work ❤️🩹
Relationships are the greatest mirror.
I feel as i have scarlet Johansson as my best friend and giving me life changing relationship advice ❤
This video has helped me so much, you're so correct. Learning the differences between the two styles and learning to know when it's a them thing or a me thing, is really good advice. Thank you for this, it was meant to be me seeing this today.
I am anxiously attached but secured at the same time. I don’t care if people want to leave my life because they always do. & obviously they want to be left alone. On the other hand I’m the type of person who wants to figure things out together (my upbringing, in a healthy happy family- secured)
But the narrative made me feel like I’m not worth of love. I’m always my own entity but I am only secured when I’m by myself. People’s actions towards me dictates my feelings. How do I heal this completely.
Self love and stoicism. I think stoicism and a but of pessimism, if used correctly, can help.
I recently just figured this out. My abandonment issues aren't going to get fixed by me not socializing. They are going to be fixed by me confronting the triggers head on and trying different approaches and most of all, FEELING the feelings.
This is so helpful.... I am an anxious person and i tried last week before discovering your channel, to express where my anxious style was coming from to my then bf... things escalated cz he dismissed me and called me clingy which was true...well fast forwad im single now lol... but I'm going to start doing the work... I want to be a better human being.... 🇿🇼
Yesss thank you so much for making this video!
Would you please consider make a video on how to change from anxious to secure attachment style please?
I have made one it’s called “how I went from anxious to secure” xxz
@@Margarita.Nazarenko Yes I've watched that already, thank you very much for replying!
If it interferes with OUR CONNECTION. Exactly! I resonate with this.
This is exactly how I feel! Thank you so so much! I’m an anxious just split from an avoidant! Wow 😮xxx
I have been following you since the first of this year then I stopped bec I met someone and everything’s going good until it’s not… I came back to your TikTok and feel so empowered again. I’ve talked about you on women groups in FB and have developed some virtual friendships and they all thanked me. They have been watching you too and it has helped them get thru relationships. I like your accent bec my sister lives in Aus but I know your British. But anyway, thanks for everything that you do for the public. Love from Chicago❤❤❤
Jeez Luis! You’re impeccable with your timing. I just had a conversation with my avoidant partner of how stressed and anxious I’ve been. Thank you for uploading this!!!
So... what if an anxious and avoidant person... both resonate with me.
I’m falling inlove with her thur her voice. It’s beautiful ,motherly and healing ❤️🩹
i’ve been actively healing my anxious /disorganized attachment style with an avoidant. we have been working hard both trying to be very respectful. however, it is hard when avoid ants believe that their trigger (that they claim to be their need) for hyper independence is an actually a good philosophy for life. i am more of a spiritual person and love community. he thinks it’s problematic that anyone should really need anyone. like u said, i think it’s very important for avoidants to see that their world-view can be anti-loving… both are unhealthy. both are unhealthy!!
In the book, which she mentioned in another video ,"Attached" by Amir Levine there was this codependency myth and biological truth section. I think you need to read that section.
Working through my anxious attachment with my avoidant partner. Lots of heartache and sleeplessness for me as I detach. I am stronger now but also feel unloved. I never acknowledged the resentment I felt toward him for being avoidant. I am actually grateful for this opportunity to deal with these feelings and heal, but the process is very painful..
I'm most likely disorganized and she is anxious but mainly avoidant as she can shut down after being angry or hurt. Now she's withheld I love you and physicality for a month. Ends up giving me high anxiety and I want to know if anything is good. But she's cold and has begun acting like she's independent and doesn't need me. I want to leave but I also don't. I'm screwed because I don't understand the avoidant. The withholding
I think why anxious and avoidants are drawn to each other is also partly because they are looking for what they don't have, the missing piece of the puzzle to become secure. anxiously attached people are great at responding to other people's needs, but do it at the expense of their own, neglecting themselves and their boundaries. avoidants are good at keeping their boundaries intact, but suck at responding to emotional concerns of others. just another reiteration of "opposites attract" :D
About the baby self-soothing thing: current research shows that parents should comfort crying babies up to about 6 months old, because 6 months of age is when they become able to self-regulate cortisol (one of the stress hormones). Newborns that are not comforted when they cry had a more difficult time regulating cortisol when stressful events occurred as adults. 6 months seems to be the age when we can take the training wheels off and not respond all the time to every cry. However, I have no kids of my own. Actual parents can chime in with their experience.
This is great advice for me because I’m both anxious and avoidant:)
youre saving my life rn
Just explained my exact situation/ breakup . I’m the anxious one 😭
Thank you so much Margarita. I learned so much from you. I would love if you put more content into trying to push a man into the masculine. I love my husband but unfortunately 8 years into our marriage I realize now most of our problems stem from him being sooo in the feminine and constantly trying to push me into the masculine. He hates so much when I am in my feminine. He wants me to "take care of things" with him all the time. I am so tired and drained.
One of my closed friend told me, you aren’t ready to be in a relationship. You need to work on yourself first. I’m like how. It is like watching cooking show and without practicing in the real life.
Is there any possible way that a person can display both anxious and avoidant attachment styles depending on the individual they are dealing with? For example, if it is someone I like and value (which I rarely find), then my attachment style seems very anxious. I want to be with them all the time, I become needy, try to plan to avoid future pain, feel not good enough, break boundaries, become jealous, and my whole life is about that person. But, when it's not one of the rare people I attach to, and someone is trying to attach to me, I want little to nothing to do with them. I push them away, become standoffish, ghost them, even feel a little disgusted by them, and sometimes become very harsh if they even touch one of my boundaries with them. Or is all of this something else entirely?
Fearful Avoidant, yes. I've fallen in love 2x in 30 years. I've dated more than that but I'm Fearful Avoidant and feel dates pressing me for more even if the first few dates they're super casual and ok with me taking my time, not daily quality phone calls just a quick text, ect. I fell for a DA of course and slowly devolved into an anxious. I was appalled at how much time I spent thinking about, worrying about, interpreting his intents and truthfulness. I lost my boundaries, I didn't state my needs clearly and was so angry at him for hurting me. I needed safety, boundaries, and a co-created plan of expectations, we both needed to learn to communicate with others' Attachment Style. We've been broken up for a year while he's working out of state after 6 years and a broken engagement. We message a few times a week, it's been friendly since I started incorporating Attachment theory. He's been introduced, and I hope he'll take it up, I hope we end up back under the same roof, but it's not until I'm secure and OK no matter what happens, focusing on all my own goals and interests that I get back to a space of knowing if his unhealed (if he so chooses) Attachment works for me or not.
You described me to a T. I am not anxious with everyone. I wonder what this is
Edit: I discovered I'm a fearful avoidant. When my anxious side gets triggered (I am very aware of how embarrassing it is😭). I dip and run for the hills.
So I'm dabbling between anxious and avoidant depending on the person I'm dealing with.
I think this is my favorite video of yours, I’ve referenced back to this video several times. I love how you speak directly to both the anxious attachment & the avoidant. It helps both sides understand each other, in my opinion anyway.
❤i adore you. I thank God that i've found you! And yes.. you just described me so good, im veeeeeryyyyy anxious attached..and yes my parents never validated me, from physical violence.. to verbal..etc. I know why i turned out like this. Now you just said that an anxious person has to focus on their life, obsessions, goals. Thats what my partner also tells me and i know its true and healthy. But how can an anxious person focus on their goals and careers and hobbys.. if they are just soo so heartbroken and have no motivation and energy to enjoy these things? Whem im heartbroken and sad bcuz things dont work out in my relationship... i just dont find the energy and motivation :(
Hi Margarita! I am a 58 year old living in Toronto. I am so glad I found your channel.
You have no idea how much weight was knocked off my shoulders.
You have really opened the doors within myself.
Now it's time to put in the work, to use these gifts, the gifts we all have within ourselves. Thank you for helping me discover and realize I have always had this inside of me.
I'm really struggling with my dismissive, avoidant girlfriend, and she finds it very offensive when I suggest She behaves in this matter. They probably took her about a year to look into it, and she actually admitted that she's a DA and I And already told her that I'm AP.
And I was a lot more secure when I was on my own like he spoke up in the video.
I am detaching, I understand the Journey, To me, it's the journey that's the prize. It's not something I'm looking to be rewarded at the end of it. There is no end, especially when it comes to growth. I also feel the same way about love.
Anyway, we are struggling, and I'm not trying to push anything onto her anymore because the harder I tried, The further she pushed me away. And I haven't really asked her for anything other than sometimes a little reassurance and not to try to predict a negative outcome not to try to predict a negative outcome.
I do love her. But I need to put effort and focus on my vision and dreams. She supports this,, and at the same time, all she talks about her needs, and really has no consideration for mine. I can easily continue to love her, and walk away and move on.
She finds the glass to be half empty in an instint and uses this to get the space that she craves.
After a little ghosting, She reaches out, knowing that I'll always be there.
I have anabled this and allowed to preoccupy my mind focusing on her and the relationship.
I think I need to get busy thinking more about my futire rather than our future.
I have subscribed to your channel, and I may possibly reach out if I decide I want to continue to invest after 2 1/2 years.
Your videos are always amazing! Great work!!
Sometimes I am secure attached and sometimes anxious. But my issue is that I tend to choose men that don’t give me what I want. I don’t go after them, I don’t pester them but I also have a difficult time getting over someone who didnt give me what I wanted ….Maybe I have avoidant tendencies too … what a mess
I just made the decision to disappear then your video came up. Thank you for reaching me that I need them around to heal, to use them to heal. Thank you.
A DA here. I recently stumbled across attachment styles, and when I ID'd as DA, I was queasy for a week. But I also realized what made me uncomfortable in my skin all my adult life. I was never “hiding” and did seek help, which makes me an outlier, perhaps. Most of the other DA hangups were present, though. And I had my own particular stack of compensation syndromes, now relieved. With my self-awareness, I can act against my worst tendencies to become more secure.
You sound like an anxious avoidant, from what I have researched recently. Dismissive avoidants rarely seek treatment, that's what the data says anyway.
@@show_me_your_kitties anxious avoidant? I have not heard of that. I'd appreciate a link to some info.
Anxious avoidant seems to be fearful avoidant or disorganized. Like my brother and father so I have seen it. That’s not me.