I think one of the worst ways amatonormativity is socially enforced is when very young children have a friend of a different gender, and adults start referring to them as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". It's an early reinforcement of the idea that everyone has to grow up to be in an exclusive relationship with someone of the opposite gender, and that you can't be friends with someone of the opposite gender. It's amatonormative, heteronormative, and cisnormative, and people do it to preschoolers. Let kids be kids and have whatever friends they want!
It's a problem when parents make jokes like those since they don't actually know if their kid is going to be straight. I mean what if their kid ends up being gay? Also, it's not a good thing when parents make jokes to their child about them and their friend (who's the opposite sex) being boyfriend and girlfriend since it reinforces the idea that boys and girls can't be friends without it being romantic. Many fathers tend to make jokes like that when it comes to their son having female friends, and it's toxic. Sadly, there are actually some men who won't allow their daughters to have male friends (even if both of them are children and are around the same age).
I hate the idea of romantic relationships being more important than friendship. Does anyone else feel like the real love story in "Romeo and Juliet" was between Romeo and Mercutio?
Hi! As an aroace I totally agree with you! And it also makes me really annoyed when people use this term "OnLy fRiendS" or when they always choose their partner over friends. It just doesn't make any sense to me. And how the media ALWAYS make friends be together at the end, like hello just because you may have chemistry does not meat it has to be a romantic one!
I hate how media representation always depicts the happy ever after as two people getting together, and also no aro representation ever, so I'm writing a story where two of the main characters date but one of them realizes she's aromantic so they break up and the happy ever after involves them recovering their friendship and being best friends again because that's a real thing that happens and has happened with me and my aro friend, and even though I'm alloromantic I'm still so happy to have them in my life as a friend
This is very important, but can I just lighten the mood with something that happened to me today that I can't tell anyone else as I am not out irl? So I won a book through a raffle, yay! But then I realized what the book was about: making your marriage work. Not so yay. If an aro/ace winning a book about marriage in a slim chance raffle isn't the very definition of ironic, I don't know what is! It was just really funny and I have no one to really share this with. Hope it made someone laugh!
Amatonormativity effects how one can form deep friendships too. I have a friend of the opposite gender ( we did date , but we broke up because I was ace and they where straight and it was a mutual break up.) However when I talk to my straight friends they always say , " oh are you two back together?" It gets very upsetting because we are not allowed to just be good friends. Another thing this does is it reduces the possibility of me ever being able to conform to Amatonorative standards because I have to a. Hide my intense platonic feelings of my friend to save face for my straight friends and "partner," because being close to my friend looks like cheating, or 2. Not care and be close to my friend anyway and regularly have the conversation, " I know you say your friends but..." regularly. Which can be emotionally taxing and remind you that your peers see you as dishonest. This is why we need polyamory and other sorts of relationships normalized. I shouldn't feel awkward for having a close male friend that isn't a romantic partner. I should be able to date a partner and not be questioned for my friendships.
the phrase "just friends" irks me so much. this week i've had a friend (A) ask me twice if i was dating another friend (L) whom i'm very close with. the first time A asked, i came out to her as aroace, and then after L and i went out to dinner together, A had the audacity to ask AGAIN. i was so shocked and we were around other people so i couldn't chew her out like i wanted to but it really annoyed me that she knows i'm aroace but saw us doing something typically 'romantic' and had to ask again
Sexism is the basis from which amatonormativity came to be, attached to not only mononormativity, but also allonormativity, heteronormativity, and cisnormativity. That is another way of saying that traditional monogamous heterosexual relationships originated from the patriarchal domination and exploitation of humans deemed more feminine, not only women and females.
@@munnythejanitor not all animals species are monogamous, not all animal species are alloromantic, not all animal species have two sexes, and some animal species are composed entirely of homosexual females.
@@ws6778 no no i get that but my point is that amatonormativity is an almost biologically-fundamental idea, because by definition it promotes reproduction
@@munnythejanitor I do not think so, as monogamous alloromantic males waste their reproductive potential in comparison to non-monogamous aromantic males that can produce way more offspring in a given same period of time because they do not attach to partners.
@@ws6778 thats actually a really good point; i can see both being advantageous evolutionarily, i just think the typical idea we have is that for offspring to reproduce further it is helpgul to have parents of a monogamous nature, like one hunter and one caretaker. so while i agree a lot of things become normalized due to societal standards, the root of those standards basically lies in biology, and while we cant know for sure, it isnt illogical to think so
In my opinion, in western affluent nations where other kinds of queer people have found acceptance, aromatics and asexuals have it the toughest. The loneliness is unreal, how society does not address what becomes of single people, be it by choice or not, after everyone has graduated college and is getting coupled up and forgetting about their old friends, and is busy getting housing loans and getting pregnant. This is why I am happy alternative living arrangements, like communal homes, communes or even monasteries exist. I was thinking of making a dating app for people to find their platonic soulmates and move in together. The internet unites those marginalized.
Hell, yes! I hate the "we are just friends"! It makes me sad and inforces my fear that I won't find a place in the world where I feel seen and cared for. Thank you for the video. I'm new to the channel. :)
Welcome to the channel! I’m sorry you’ve also been affected by the idea that friendships are lesser than romantic partnerships… We’ll be your Space-Ace RUclips pals, utterly, and no lesser than anything else! 💛
i loved how thorough this was, as a baby aro/ace ive been thinking about amatonormativity but i didn't really have the right words so thank you for giving me them :)
I’m so glad to have provided you with the right words! It means a lot because that’s exactly what I’m trying to do with these videos. Thank you so much for watching! ❤️
I remember when I asked my teacher if it was possible that two people of the opposite gender could be together in a friendship and no one gets romantic or sexual feelings at one point. Because every experience I had seen was like that and it shocked me. And she responded yes of course it's called platonic and then I got interested in friendships and did my research paper on that topic and then never thought about that again. Now I realised that this was early signs of me being aro ace
As an aroace who has worked in aged care, I found it somewhat reassuring that there are people that grow old and still have a support network regardless of having a partner or not (some widowed or divorced and some not in a legal monogamous relationship). There were people who had longterm close friends helping them find a good nursing home that they would like, there were people that had supportive nephews/nieces visiting and helping to organise their finances as ethically as they could, and there were older people who lived with friends or has ongoing support from siblings or siblings-in-law. I think amatanormativity is definitely clouding the way society believes our futures are supposed to look and perpetuating this untrue narrative that you Need a romantic partner or you'll be abandoned: thats not your only support and people can care for more than their one legal partner.
this is so important to bring visibility too 🙏🥺. amatonormativity affects everyone who doesn't fit the "norm" surrounding committed relationships and romance. thanks for this video 💜💚
As far as I can tell, to be an aroace person in a world that values romance/marriage above all else is to be perpetually abandoned and forgotten. Also side note: notice how the cheerful best friend character in all the romance films doesn't have a full fledged personality or character arch of her own? It's because she's expendable.
its crazy i always knew i thought about relationships differently and eventually i started feeling almost ostracized and self conscious for being myself. im not asexual but the fact that i dont pursue relationships due to physical attraction is almost unheard of, or so ive felt until realizing there were others who thought like me. thanks for making this - all of your thoughts are things ive understood for a while but never really heard, so its nice to hear someone kind of validating how ive felt
Thank you for making this video! I was just trying to explain this to my allosexual friend, but I felt like my explanation was falling short. Thanks for giving me the vocabulary to properly express this. I’m so glad I found your channel!
Hi Elle! Thank you for making this video! As an arospec ace person, I did not know what amatonormativity was, but after watching your educational video I feel like I understand amatonormativity much more. It turns out I've experienced the negative effects of amatonormativity but I didn't know it (friends hanging out more with their romantic partner than with me). Anyways, this was an awesome, informative video, and I am grateful to have had it appear on my recommendation page :)
I so love expanding my awareness. I feel like my longing for romance has been a theme my whole life. It’s so cool to hear we don’t all experience the same way. Thank you.
Honestly, watching this video made me realise how lucky I am to have my best friend. She is aroace, I am most probably aroallo. She is the person I cherish the most in this world. She is "the special one" for me, she is my ride or die. And I am sure that I am her ride or die too. I had been in romantic relationships before. They were good people, truly. But I have never felt such loyalty and such love with any of them. Moreover, I began to feel that type of loyalty and love to my ex only after we broke up and became friends again (we were friends for 7 years before the relationship). I might not be able to feel romantic love. But I know that i am capable of deep, unconditional platonic love and loyalty. And I am so, so lucky to have a person that shares this sentiment. We will never be each other's "second choices". Only the first ones.
I'm finding your content really comforting recently, thanks so much. The way romance is put on such a high pedestal made me so excited to experience it one day. Only to find out I never have, and likely won't due to me being aroace. I was sad, still am a little bit, I just have to unlearn this and that's alright.😅
me: starting to recall all the movies I've watched lately and realizing that none of them are about two people falling in love and happily ever after. But I mostly watch animated films aimed at children with stories about friendship, or other media that is imaginative and fun. But a long time ago I have watched "La la land" for the promise of good dancing and music, and it was overall horrible experience for me. I wondered how come it has such good reviews. I guess I've learned to avoid amatonormativity as best as I can. Though it's undeniably present through people around me. PS: I discovered Aspec community yesterday, it's such a treat! I was under the impression that it's just my thing - seeing friendship as fun and romance and especially sex as pretty boring waste of time. Now I know that it's not only me and it's very uplifting to know! Thank you for this channel ^__^
I just found out your channel and it's the most safe, open and accepting channel I have ever came across😭😭 thanks so so much for helping us baby acespecs and arospecs 😭
I'm aroace and I wanna live alone because I value private space. I can have my people over at my house any time I want, then when hang out time is over, they can all go home, and I can have private space again.
The second I heard the "romance > friendship" bullshit I disagreed. People could never understand what I meant, and I didn't have the language for it, but now I do!! Hahahaha!
Thanks for the video! It's nice to have the word spread about amatonormative lifestyle being not the "normal" or obligated thing for everyone. P.S. If you want to isolate some background noise I would recommend to use some noise cancelation in Premiere Pro, But i usually record through OBS with its filters, cause it's free and accessible. Makes sound so much better even with my cheap mic
Random thought not entirely related to this video, but as an aro person who has been in long-term relationships, I can say that I have "performed" romantic love but not actually been "in" romantic love. Idk if that makes sense, but I wanted to share.
Same! As an alloaro, I have in the past confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction (before I knew that not feeling romantic attraction is a thing). I've also been in relationships just because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing. I totally get performing romance. It was really hard work, and I am so happy to have reached a good enough understanding of myself that I don't need to do that anymore.
@@mirandarensberger6919 There's dating advice that goes like, "relationships are work" so I just assumed everyone saw it the same as me. Kind of like, "scrubbing toilets is work, if you're a janitor and it's your job" or something. But I think the dating advice is actually supposed to be like, "it's hard work to learn to play an instrument you love." It's work to get the thing you want, not work because you're simply carrying out the role you have.
Oh wow I didnt even know this was a thing 😭😭 ive hated myself for being aro for such a long time and knowing this is a concept and understanding it really made me feel more secure about myself and comprehend why i feel the way i do. Thank you!!
Really liked the talk. 🙏 But I have to share this; When the advertisment break came it was hilarious: It was about .... finding a partner with Parnerselect !!! 😂😂
I’m aro ace in a monogamous relationship with a hetero-romantic ace. The reason I decided to have such relationship, despite platonic love being the only love I can provide p much, is that I can’t focus on many friends’ well-being because I have terrible memory and often mix up who told me what 😅 but I could focus on one person and make sure they were happy. I’m not rich either so if things became bad, I couldn’t support all my friends but I can support this one person get back on track. Likewise, I know he will have my back because I’m his only gf, even though he definitely relies on and is there for his close friends as well. I think aro aces should find an aro ace friend(s) to form a team that is just as strong as a team consisting of a romantic couple.
Amatonormativity is harmful to everyone including those seeking romantic relationships because it strengthens the ideas of individualism and burdens couples with the responsibility of taking on all of their partners emotional needs. It’s a thing being discussed more and more that men in hetero relationships are expecting their significant others to be their romantic partner, their best friend, their therapist, their parent, their manager, their everything. And that men should not seek deeper connections in other relationships. Our amatonormative western society feeds into this kind of thing and enforces it. It also contribute to a problem facing young people especially which is a lack of community and social maturity. We’re taught more aggressively as time goes on to focus only on romantic relationships and creating our own nuclear family cut off from the world. But that harms everyone. We cannot function properly without a large social structure made up of individuals all important to us for different reasons. And we certainly can’t handle the responsibility of caring for an entire persons needs all on our own. Non romantic relationships should indeed be encouraged and not trivialised, and should be painted as what they are, valuable crucial aspects of a happy life, not secondary to romance but on equal standing as one of the many potential building blocks for each persons support network. This is all definitely just one aspect of it all but it’s just what I felt I could write.
Good question! Kids tend to be naturally adaptive to whatever messages they hear, so my best advice would be to simply bring it up from time to time; "you don't have to be married to be in love," or "there's lots of different ways to love people, like how you love your parents, or how you love your friends." Maybe as they get older, reminding them that they should pursue relationships that make them happy. I hope I was helpful!
Providing children access to learn about whatever interests them, giving them permission/acceptance to express themselves, trusting them to behave/interact responsibly & to learn from their mistakes (without removing negative consequences), & setting boundaries if they exhibit habits/behaviors that are harmful... These are ways to ensure they become a confident, successful adult whose relationships are positive & rewarding even if not amatonormative or even if their identity ends up being LGBTQ+ ✌
i disagree with the statement that amatonormativity affects particularly western society. it's way more prevelant (and toxic) in asian society, where all young ppl are heavily pressured by their parents / older members of society to date someone and get married it's actually toxic in a harmful way
You have no idea how seen I felt when watching this! I get so annoyed when people put romantic relationships over friendships, and I’m glad I’m not alone in this 💜💚🤍🖤
In my opinion, in western affluent nations where other kinds of queer people have found acceptance, aromatics and asexuals have it the toughest. The loneliness is unreal, how society does not address what becomes of single people, be it by choice or not, after everyone has graduated college and is getting coupled up and forgetting about their old friends, and is busy getting housing loans and getting pregnant. This is why I am happy alternative living arrangements, like communal homes, communes or even monasteries exist. I was thinking of making a dating app for people to find their platonic soulmates and move in together. The internet unites those marginalized.
![Natanael Cano - Amor Eterno [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EO4prCs6WpM/mqdefault.jpg)
Society: you must date people!
Me, a relationship anarchist: I do not date, I just do romantic stuff with friends.
Society: no, not like that.
I think one of the worst ways amatonormativity is socially enforced is when very young children have a friend of a different gender, and adults start referring to them as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". It's an early reinforcement of the idea that everyone has to grow up to be in an exclusive relationship with someone of the opposite gender, and that you can't be friends with someone of the opposite gender. It's amatonormative, heteronormative, and cisnormative, and people do it to preschoolers. Let kids be kids and have whatever friends they want!
100%
imagine if that was enforced towards animals and in non-human species or other entities…
It's a problem when parents make jokes like those since they don't actually know if their kid is going to be straight. I mean what if their kid ends up being gay? Also, it's not a good thing when parents make jokes to their child about them and their friend (who's the opposite sex) being boyfriend and girlfriend since it reinforces the idea that boys and girls can't be friends without it being romantic.
Many fathers tend to make jokes like that when it comes to their son having female friends, and it's toxic.
Sadly, there are actually some men who won't allow their daughters to have male friends (even if both of them are children and are around the same age).
I hate the idea of romantic relationships being more important than friendship. Does anyone else feel like the real love story in "Romeo and Juliet" was between Romeo and Mercutio?
🤯
@@jclyntoledo🤯
Hi! As an aroace I totally agree with you! And it also makes me really annoyed when people use this term "OnLy fRiendS" or when they always choose their partner over friends. It just doesn't make any sense to me. And how the media ALWAYS make friends be together at the end, like hello just because you may have chemistry does not meat it has to be a romantic one!
I agree with the media always makes friends loved at the end so much, or it becomes the biggest ship, like man, can people not be friends!?
I hate how media representation always depicts the happy ever after as two people getting together, and also no aro representation ever, so I'm writing a story where two of the main characters date but one of them realizes she's aromantic so they break up and the happy ever after involves them recovering their friendship and being best friends again because that's a real thing that happens and has happened with me and my aro friend, and even though I'm alloromantic I'm still so happy to have them in my life as a friend
That sounds amazing! Thank you for the aro appreciation on behalf of the aros. 😊
I would definitely read this. I am looking for more platonic relationships in books.
This is very important, but can I just lighten the mood with something that happened to me today that I can't tell anyone else as I am not out irl? So I won a book through a raffle, yay! But then I realized what the book was about: making your marriage work. Not so yay. If an aro/ace winning a book about marriage in a slim chance raffle isn't the very definition of ironic, I don't know what is! It was just really funny and I have no one to really share this with. Hope it made someone laugh!
that is funny! you should read it ironically if it’s not too boring
Amatonormativity effects how one can form deep friendships too. I have a friend of the opposite gender ( we did date , but we broke up because I was ace and they where straight and it was a mutual break up.) However when I talk to my straight friends they always say , " oh are you two back together?" It gets very upsetting because we are not allowed to just be good friends. Another thing this does is it reduces the possibility of me ever being able to conform to Amatonorative standards because I have to a. Hide my intense platonic feelings of my friend to save face for my straight friends and "partner," because being close to my friend looks like cheating, or 2. Not care and be close to my friend anyway and regularly have the conversation, " I know you say your friends but..." regularly. Which can be emotionally taxing and remind you that your peers see you as dishonest.
This is why we need polyamory and other sorts of relationships normalized.
I shouldn't feel awkward for having a close male friend that isn't a romantic partner. I should be able to date a partner and not be questioned for my friendships.
the phrase "just friends" irks me so much. this week i've had a friend (A) ask me twice if i was dating another friend (L) whom i'm very close with. the first time A asked, i came out to her as aroace, and then after L and i went out to dinner together, A had the audacity to ask AGAIN. i was so shocked and we were around other people so i couldn't chew her out like i wanted to but it really annoyed me that she knows i'm aroace but saw us doing something typically 'romantic' and had to ask again
Sexism is the basis from which amatonormativity came to be, attached to not only mononormativity, but also allonormativity, heteronormativity, and cisnormativity.
That is another way of saying that traditional monogamous heterosexual relationships originated from the patriarchal domination and exploitation of humans deemed more feminine, not only women and females.
i completely agree, but i think it should be noted that this makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective, whether it is right or not
@@munnythejanitor not all animals species are monogamous, not all animal species are alloromantic, not all animal species have two sexes, and some animal species are composed entirely of homosexual females.
@@ws6778 no no i get that but my point is that amatonormativity is an almost biologically-fundamental idea, because by definition it promotes reproduction
@@munnythejanitor I do not think so, as monogamous alloromantic males waste their reproductive potential in comparison to non-monogamous aromantic males that can produce way more offspring in a given same period of time because they do not attach to partners.
@@ws6778 thats actually a really good point; i can see both being advantageous evolutionarily, i just think the typical idea we have is that for offspring to reproduce further it is helpgul to have parents of a monogamous nature, like one hunter and one caretaker. so while i agree a lot of things become normalized due to societal standards, the root of those standards basically lies in biology, and while we cant know for sure, it isnt illogical to think so
In my opinion, in western affluent nations where other kinds of queer people have found acceptance, aromatics and asexuals have it the toughest. The loneliness is unreal, how society does not address what becomes of single people, be it by choice or not, after everyone has graduated college and is getting coupled up and forgetting about their old friends, and is busy getting housing loans and getting pregnant.
This is why I am happy alternative living arrangements, like communal homes, communes or even monasteries exist.
I was thinking of making a dating app for people to find their platonic soulmates and move in together. The internet unites those marginalized.
Hell, yes! I hate the "we are just friends"! It makes me sad and inforces my fear that I won't find a place in the world where I feel seen and cared for. Thank you for the video. I'm new to the channel. :)
Welcome to the channel! I’m sorry you’ve also been affected by the idea that friendships are lesser than romantic partnerships… We’ll be your Space-Ace RUclips pals, utterly, and no lesser than anything else! 💛
i loved how thorough this was, as a baby aro/ace ive been thinking about amatonormativity but i didn't really have the right words so thank you for giving me them :)
I’m so glad to have provided you with the right words! It means a lot because that’s exactly what I’m trying to do with these videos. Thank you so much for watching! ❤️
I remember when I asked my teacher if it was possible that two people of the opposite gender could be together in a friendship and no one gets romantic or sexual feelings at one point. Because every experience I had seen was like that and it shocked me.
And she responded yes of course it's called platonic and then I got interested in friendships and did my research paper on that topic and then never thought about that again.
Now I realised that this was early signs of me being aro ace
As an aroace who has worked in aged care, I found it somewhat reassuring that there are people that grow old and still have a support network regardless of having a partner or not (some widowed or divorced and some not in a legal monogamous relationship). There were people who had longterm close friends helping them find a good nursing home that they would like, there were people that had supportive nephews/nieces visiting and helping to organise their finances as ethically as they could, and there were older people who lived with friends or has ongoing support from siblings or siblings-in-law.
I think amatanormativity is definitely clouding the way society believes our futures are supposed to look and perpetuating this untrue narrative that you Need a romantic partner or you'll be abandoned: thats not your only support and people can care for more than their one legal partner.
this is so important to bring visibility too 🙏🥺. amatonormativity affects everyone who doesn't fit the "norm" surrounding committed relationships and romance. thanks for this video 💜💚
As far as I can tell, to be an aroace person in a world that values romance/marriage above all else is to be perpetually abandoned and forgotten. Also side note: notice how the cheerful best friend character in all the romance films doesn't have a full fledged personality or character arch of her own? It's because she's expendable.
Yes! I actually wrote journal entries as a kid talking about how I was the expendable side character.
its crazy i always knew i thought about relationships differently and eventually i started feeling almost ostracized and self conscious for being myself. im not asexual but the fact that i dont pursue relationships due to physical attraction is almost unheard of, or so ive felt until realizing there were others who thought like me. thanks for making this - all of your thoughts are things ive understood for a while but never really heard, so its nice to hear someone kind of validating how ive felt
Hiii! I just wanted to say hello and thank you for creating this aroace space!!
Hiii!! Thank you for visiting this space!! You have literally made my day!
Wow literally just learned about this word now thank you
Thank you for making this video! I was just trying to explain this to my allosexual friend, but I felt like my explanation was falling short. Thanks for giving me the vocabulary to properly express this. I’m so glad I found your channel!
I'm really happy to hear that I could help you out! I'm so glad you found us, too, welcome!
Hi Elle! Thank you for making this video! As an arospec ace person, I did not know what amatonormativity was, but after watching your educational video I feel like I understand amatonormativity much more. It turns out I've experienced the negative effects of amatonormativity but I didn't know it (friends hanging out more with their romantic partner than with me). Anyways, this was an awesome, informative video, and I am grateful to have had it appear on my recommendation page :)
Hi Katie! I'm super glad to hear that my video helped you understand amatonormativity :) Thanks for commenting!
I so love expanding my awareness. I feel like my longing for romance has been a theme my whole life. It’s so cool to hear we don’t all experience the same way. Thank you.
Honestly, watching this video made me realise how lucky I am to have my best friend. She is aroace, I am most probably aroallo. She is the person I cherish the most in this world. She is "the special one" for me, she is my ride or die. And I am sure that I am her ride or die too. I had been in romantic relationships before. They were good people, truly. But I have never felt such loyalty and such love with any of them. Moreover, I began to feel that type of loyalty and love to my ex only after we broke up and became friends again (we were friends for 7 years before the relationship).
I might not be able to feel romantic love. But I know that i am capable of deep, unconditional platonic love and loyalty. And I am so, so lucky to have a person that shares this sentiment. We will never be each other's "second choices". Only the first ones.
I'm finding your content really comforting recently, thanks so much. The way romance is put on such a high pedestal made me so excited to experience it one day. Only to find out I never have, and likely won't due to me being aroace. I was sad, still am a little bit, I just have to unlearn this and that's alright.😅
Ahhhh!!! It’s so good! You’re amazing, Elle.
me: starting to recall all the movies I've watched lately and realizing that none of them are about two people falling in love and happily ever after. But I mostly watch animated films aimed at children with stories about friendship, or other media that is imaginative and fun. But a long time ago I have watched "La la land" for the promise of good dancing and music, and it was overall horrible experience for me. I wondered how come it has such good reviews. I guess I've learned to avoid amatonormativity as best as I can. Though it's undeniably present through people around me.
PS: I discovered Aspec community yesterday, it's such a treat! I was under the impression that it's just my thing - seeing friendship as fun and romance and especially sex as pretty boring waste of time. Now I know that it's not only me and it's very uplifting to know! Thank you for this channel ^__^
I just found out your channel and it's the most safe, open and accepting channel I have ever came across😭😭 thanks so so much for helping us baby acespecs and arospecs 😭
I'm so so so happy to hear that! Welcome to this corner of the internet universe; we love you here!!
@@SpaceyAces thanks 😭😭
I highly recommend communal living to all the aros and aces in the world. It could be solution to feeling second best.
I'm aroace and I wanna live alone because I value private space. I can have my people over at my house any time I want, then when hang out time is over, they can all go home, and I can have private space again.
@@SkyeID correction: most aroaces*
The second I heard the "romance > friendship" bullshit I disagreed. People could never understand what I meant, and I didn't have the language for it, but now I do!! Hahahaha!
Thanks for the video! It's nice to have the word spread about amatonormative lifestyle being not the "normal" or obligated thing for everyone.
P.S.
If you want to isolate some background noise I would recommend to use some noise cancelation in Premiere Pro, But i usually record through OBS with its filters, cause it's free and accessible. Makes sound so much better even with my cheap mic
Random thought not entirely related to this video, but as an aro person who has been in long-term relationships, I can say that I have "performed" romantic love but not actually been "in" romantic love. Idk if that makes sense, but I wanted to share.
Same! As an alloaro, I have in the past confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction (before I knew that not feeling romantic attraction is a thing). I've also been in relationships just because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing. I totally get performing romance. It was really hard work, and I am so happy to have reached a good enough understanding of myself that I don't need to do that anymore.
@@mirandarensberger6919 There's dating advice that goes like, "relationships are work" so I just assumed everyone saw it the same as me. Kind of like, "scrubbing toilets is work, if you're a janitor and it's your job" or something. But I think the dating advice is actually supposed to be like, "it's hard work to learn to play an instrument you love." It's work to get the thing you want, not work because you're simply carrying out the role you have.
@@thoughtistic5807 That's a really good analogy!
Oh wow I didnt even know this was a thing 😭😭 ive hated myself for being aro for such a long time and knowing this is a concept and understanding it really made me feel more secure about myself and comprehend why i feel the way i do. Thank you!!
i've been looking for video essays from aroace perspectives for soo long! bless you!
Very smart yt channel. Really good this exists.
Really liked the talk. 🙏
But I have to share this;
When the advertisment break came it was hilarious: It was about .... finding a partner with Parnerselect !!! 😂😂
Thank you for explaining this so well! :)
I’m aro ace in a monogamous relationship with a hetero-romantic ace. The reason I decided to have such relationship, despite platonic love being the only love I can provide p much, is that I can’t focus on many friends’ well-being because I have terrible memory and often mix up who told me what 😅 but I could focus on one person and make sure they were happy. I’m not rich either so if things became bad, I couldn’t support all my friends but I can support this one person get back on track. Likewise, I know he will have my back because I’m his only gf, even though he definitely relies on and is there for his close friends as well. I think aro aces should find an aro ace friend(s) to form a team that is just as strong as a team consisting of a romantic couple.
Amatonormativity is harmful to everyone including those seeking romantic relationships because it strengthens the ideas of individualism and burdens couples with the responsibility of taking on all of their partners emotional needs. It’s a thing being discussed more and more that men in hetero relationships are expecting their significant others to be their romantic partner, their best friend, their therapist, their parent, their manager, their everything. And that men should not seek deeper connections in other relationships. Our amatonormative western society feeds into this kind of thing and enforces it.
It also contribute to a problem facing young people especially which is a lack of community and social maturity. We’re taught more aggressively as time goes on to focus only on romantic relationships and creating our own nuclear family cut off from the world. But that harms everyone. We cannot function properly without a large social structure made up of individuals all important to us for different reasons. And we certainly can’t handle the responsibility of caring for an entire persons needs all on our own. Non romantic relationships should indeed be encouraged and not trivialised, and should be painted as what they are, valuable crucial aspects of a happy life, not secondary to romance but on equal standing as one of the many potential building blocks for each persons support network.
This is all definitely just one aspect of it all but it’s just what I felt I could write.
how do we talk about this with children?
Good question! Kids tend to be naturally adaptive to whatever messages they hear, so my best advice would be to simply bring it up from time to time; "you don't have to be married to be in love," or "there's lots of different ways to love people, like how you love your parents, or how you love your friends." Maybe as they get older, reminding them that they should pursue relationships that make them happy.
I hope I was helpful!
Providing children access to learn about whatever interests them, giving them permission/acceptance to express themselves, trusting them to behave/interact responsibly & to learn from their mistakes (without removing negative consequences), & setting boundaries if they exhibit habits/behaviors that are harmful... These are ways to ensure they become a confident, successful adult whose relationships are positive & rewarding even if not amatonormative or even if their identity ends up being LGBTQ+ ✌
i disagree with the statement that amatonormativity affects particularly western society.
it's way more prevelant (and toxic) in asian society, where all young ppl are heavily pressured by their parents / older members of society to date someone and get married
it's actually toxic in a harmful way
You have no idea how seen I felt when watching this! I get so annoyed when people put romantic relationships over friendships, and I’m glad I’m not alone in this 💜💚🤍🖤
In my opinion, in western affluent nations where other kinds of queer people have found acceptance, aromatics and asexuals have it the toughest. The loneliness is unreal, how society does not address what becomes of single people, be it by choice or not, after everyone has graduated college and is getting coupled up and forgetting about their old friends, and is busy getting housing loans and getting pregnant.
This is why I am happy alternative living arrangements, like communal homes, communes or even monasteries exist.
I was thinking of making a dating app for people to find their platonic soulmates and move in together. The internet unites those marginalized.