For me it's like, what's the big deal in hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands with someone you're not romantically involved with? Society acts like you can only do those things with a romantic partner, and makes it seem like those kinds of affection are not an option in friendships. That's the biggest clue that I'm aromantic, and that I want to be in a QPR.
I am a allosexual and I was just questioning the same thing: "Why do I want a relationship so bad? Why do everyone want it? Where does this come from?". Because, for real, I just wish I was ace/aro. I feel so lonely from not having a relationship. I was questioning how much cultural norms have part in this".
Adding on. This is so true and I find it very sad. It implies that a friendship is on a lower, inferior level to a romantic relationship which it isn’t.
i'm now realizing that most of crushes were suggested by other people.. like: "ooooo do you like them :D" "huh. i guess so." this is really starting to click into place
I relate to that. The only time I had "crushes" was when people decided that I had a crush on this person. Not only that, but with people labeling themselves with these different sexual/romantic orientations, I always felt like I NEEDED to label myself as well because everybody else is doing it. That kind of mindset made me try to force myself to have a crush just so I could prove that yes, I have romantic feelings towards this person. No, no I did not lol.
One sign I was aromantic was when I came out as gay to a friend and then he asked me who do I have a crush on, and I was so confused because I didn't understand what does getting crushes have to do with this.
I not gay, I am maybe aromantic. But would you explain this to me? I am also confused about your experience, if your sexual orientation was not defined by your initial realization you liked someone of the same sex, how did you realize you were gay in the first place? 😮
@@Ek70R Keep in mind that sexual attraction is different from romantic attraction. One can know "Oh yeah, I think I kinda like this type of thing" without having feelings for a particular person. Personally, while I'm straight, I'm very much aromantic and those I find attractive are very much separate from anything in the realm of romantic aspirations.
@@TheEpicPancake Oh yes ok I understand. I am sorry maybe I was equating crushes with sexual attraction when crushes are actually all about romantic attraction right?
So... Biggest sign I now see in myself was not understanding why non-compatible people in a relationship wouldn't just split up. Without romantic attraction, it seems just logical that you wouldn't want to be with someone whose personality, core values, life goals, or habits don't correspond with yours. If they were just your friend, you'd probably not spend as much time with them since they may be fun to be around but don't quite mesh with you. Other signs for me included: - naturally drifting toward friends that either aren't in relationships or don't talk much about dating - extremely overthinking whether or not you've experience romantic attraction - not realizing that being close to a friend (especially one of the opposite gender) in public can make people think you're dating - being scared that a friend likes you when you have absolutely no feelings towards them (especially with fear that they won't want to be around you because you won't date them) - feeling extremely uncomfortable or upset when people around you are shipping you with your close friends - being scared that you're flirting when you have no idea how flirting works - not enjoying or just avoiding romantic literature, movies, etc. because you couldn't care less about the relationships So yeah.... turns out I'm just extremely aro ace! I was only missing 2 from this list.
mainly the being scared that you're flirting or: "wait- does it look like i like them? and doing everything i can to make it not look like that whilst keeping being friends (i make hardly any friends but when i do gender doesnt matter, but beeing a female a lot of my classmates are interested in truth or dare stuff) so yeah, though their questions are more rice purity test questions which... i am aro and allo/demi/gray (or maybe cupi but probs not) sexual so yeah i have 4 crossed off and man it aint going down cause people mostly want to date or keeping it at crushes at my age lol (its my birthday in 4 days, then i am turning 14 :))
And on the other hand, not understanding why people would want to split up based on pure feeling (of vanished romantic attraction) if they _are_ compatible in significantly many levels. This happened to me once, and it was extremely frustrating and confusing.
One sign I found in myself was that I tended to be bothered by or not understand relationships in media. I would be like "You've only known each other for three months! How are you already dating?!" or "You've been friends for 10 years! How come you're only starting to have feelings now?!" By the way, I really appreciate you making these videos! It took me forever to realize that I was aromantic (and asexual), even though I've been adamant about not being interested in relationships since before I was 10, and it took me until I was 18 to realize that something was off. This video definitely would have helped me realize it sooner. Also, when someone would ask if I was straight, I would respond with "I don't like anybody like that." I don't know how it took me so long to realize that that's not normal!
Same here it took many years since when I was a kid and until I was 14 and I realized that I was aromantic/asexual without noticing me. Sometimes I can't say myself if I'm gay or straight it felt like I'm alien or robotic human
I feel like the coincidence of being “nice to people” and acting “flirty” and being aromantic has to do with us not choosing who to be nice to depending on who we are attracted to, we are simply “nice” to everyone.
The biggest indicator for me was when I tried being in a romantic relationship, and yeah it was pretty much pure anxiety. I kept wondering what the difference was supposed to be between our old relationship and the "romantic" one, and on top of that I was just super unconformable when asked to do couple-ish (?) stuff. I think another sign was a general dubious idea of romantic attraction, like sometimes I forget it's a real thing and not the stuff of myth or fiction. Another that's perhaps connected to that was the feeling that "flirting" is fun but only in a sort of make-believe way, which I'm always afraid sounds cruel to people who take romance very seriously. To me "flirting" just looks like confidence-boosting playful banter that's significantly less entertaining when it goes somewhere I can't follow anymore.
Omg! I have those exact feelings about flirting. I was always just messing around. Romance just feels fake like something only in fiction. So seeing pda always made me uncomfortable. Realizing that I'm aromatic just makes me confused on what romance even is.
Yeah I tried to be in a relationship with my best guy friend but I broke it up after two weeks 💀 the anxiety was just too much and I didn't want to do anything more than holding hands 💀
This is so true! As soon as me and my best friend started dating, I regretted it immediately. I felt like there was now a pressure to do things together and for me to always talk to him and plan things, even though I really just missed being by myself. He came to my house to watch a movie and we sat a few feet apart on the couch (my sister said we looked like cousins). We also went to a school dance and I couldn't enjoy myself because I was worried about how I was supposed to act as a girlfriend. We went back to being friends and I don't think I've ever felt more relieved. So, maybe I'm aro?
I used to think that a crush was something you made a conscious choice about. I recently found an old diary and while skimming through the pages, I did find some pro/contra lists I made about potential crushes. Somehow the cons always seemed to outweigh the pros by a huge margin. So I figured I just hadn't met the right person yet. I realized, that I was aromantic (and that crushes don't work like this) when I was faced with someone being in love with me, who actually had way more pros than cons and the idea of getting into a relationship with said person was still utterly unappealing to me.
Ahhh no, cause I also used to think that a crush was something you did counscioulsy!!! I spent most of my life just picking some random boy or girl that seemed cute and said I had a crush on them. But one day when one of those boys finally liked me back, I literally had no idea what was I suppose to do next
I'm realizing I might be aromantic. I'm 24 years old and recently got out of a relationship. Romantic stuff like kissing, cuddling and sometimes even holding hands just felt uncomfortable to me. I honestly don't see myself ever getting married and honestly that's a bit of a relief
I feel the same way as you. I've had several relationships and some physical but I honestly feel so much better realizing I'm aro/ace. I prefer platonic relationships
It took me a really long time to actually identify as aro. In large part, this is due to my age. As a teen in the 1990s, I simply never encountered either the word or the concept. But I knew from puberty onwards that I wasn't interested in dating the way most of my friends were; talk about who liked whom, questions about crushes, what you would do on a date, etc felt very boring and shallow to me. In high school, I let it be known that I had a crush on an older person who was definitely unavailable to me; this was largely a way of trying to deflect questions about why I didn't date anyone at school. I am allosexual, so there were times when I confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction, but the reality is being in relationships always made me feel stifled, intruded upon, and generally annoyed with the world. It wasn't anything other people were doing wrong, I just felt obligated to perform things I wasn't really feeling. I definitely never understood romantic love. I was in my late 30s, maybe even 40, before I realized that most people get married because they actually want to, not just because they are pressured or brainwashed by society. The idea of marriage literally makes me feel nauseous, and it took me a long time to understand that not everyone feels that way. Maybe if I had learned about aromanticism earlier, I might have understood more easily that I was the odd one. I mean, I had always had a feeling of being different from other people, but I never understood what it was. What did eventually help me get to the realization was encountering the writings of Bella DePaolo and her concept of people who are "single at heart". I saw myself very clearly in that. By recognizing the description of people who want to remain single, I was able to start contrasting that with people who want romance, and thereby understand that people who desire romance actually do exist. A couple of years later, I finally encountered the word aromantic. At first, I thought it didn't apply to me because I had dated occasionally and even been in relationships. As I learned more about it, of course, I realized that those things didn't exclude me from being aro. I also did a lot more self-reflection, concluding that those relationships were really just based on physical attraction and anything besides that just makes me feel icky. I think all but two of the things on your list resonated with me, so yeah. You've got a good list, and I'm definitely aro (if I hadn't already known). I think your generation is lucky because these things are talked about now. Just knowing that there are so many more orientations besides just straight, gay, and bi gives people a chance to understand themselves better at an earlier age and figure out how they want to live their lives. I hope the world will continue progressing beyond the limits of amatonormativity.
Your comment makes me feel seen. I also grew up in the 90s and I came to the same understanding of myself. I am 30 years old and realized I am aromantic 2 years ago. I did have "crushes" tho back in high school, but realized it was aesthetic attraction and thats it. I wanted to date SO BAD because I needed the validation that stems from being liked and being attractive to others but tbh never understood what it meant.
I’m so glad you said this. I grew up in the 90s too and I’m now in my 40s and aro questioning because an enlightened friend suggested I might be. Cue lots of internet searches. I do fall in love but it is never a pleasant experience for me - it’s full of anxiety and pain. I do not enjoy it like the rest of the world says I must. I absolutely do love my friends and family, and I do love sex, but anything beyond the platonic is torture. I think I could be romantic but it would have to be *very specific* circumstances. Thank you x
Back in middle school and high school I felt the social pressure to date someone and assumed, "Yea this person is nice I must have a crush on them" and as I've gotten older I've realized that I didn't have crushes I just liked being around them. As an adult, I don't care about getting into a relationship anymore and would instead like to get a house with a friend. Between these two things, I started to question if I was aromantic. Also the thing about assuming that since you feel no attraction that you are bi/pan (cause everyone is the same to you) is a mood. That's how I realized I was asexual.
i have already had crushes and sometimes i do want to have ***, but then again when i come to think why do i want it seems like its only because im 22 and people make it to be weird to be 22 and a virgin. i dont really enjoy kissing people, i feel like its kinda disgusting and embarrassing. i dont like people being too intimate with me, like touching or stuff. i like flirting, but it seems like just a fun activity because when it comes to the dating part i really hate having to go out with someone. im really really troubled right now and honestly dont know what to think of it. this is just a little rant or something like that... i needed to share :(
What I really struggle to understand is what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like. Like, how am I supposed to know if my (great amount of ✨2✨) crushes have been romantic or something else (I realised like less than a week ago that the other one was platonic). I am generally not interested in a romantic relationship, but emotional closeness with someone would be nice (like maybe an alterous relationship). I still enjoy reading about romance or watching some romantic movies/series’s, but I’m not sure if I feel those in myself. I feel weirded out by the idea of feeling it. Right now my label is aegoromantic, but I’m just so frustrated for not knowing 100% if I liked that other person romantically or alterously. This sucks. Well based on the experiences of other commenters, I think I just don’t feel romantic attraction… I just find this thought relieving 😂
It really resonated with me when you guys mentioned that some aromantics could start out thinking they're bi or just indifferent to identity associated with romance. I thought for the longest time that I was just panromantic because I felt the same for all types of people. Dunno if there are any aros out there who did this, but I would just go on a lot of dates and numerically track them because in my head, I just had to put myself more out there to find someone that would "flip that romantic switch". I'd also have conversations about loneliness with other friends and feel out of touch because, apparently, there is a type of loneliness that you feel when you don't have a romantic partner? I was always saying things like "well, we'd really have some really serious, deep conversations as friends, right?" and all my friends would say "it's not the same".
Ok but the first part is so relatable. Especially because I’m bi oriented aroace so I thought what turned out to be queerplatonic attraction was just having a crush lol
I definitely have distinct memories of friends asking about my sexuality, and saying that "I've never had a crush, so I'm not sure yet." It took me a while to realise my identity was based on that, hahah!
1:24 Funny story…(-.-;) some kid took me to his gazebo we watched the princess bride and played dnd! The whole time he was trying to like get physically closer to me, and was super nice. But me being ignorant didn’t realize that it was a date and just wanted to go because the word gazebo is funny haha (￣∇￣;)
I realised a pattern in my "crushes" that didn't cross my mind before I started to question if I'm aromantic or not. It was always like this: "New environment? Scan the crowd. Find someone aesthetically attractive. Get attached and stick with it." I now realise all this time I thought I wouldn't be interesting enough if I didn't like someone or didn't have a romantic subplot going on. I really enjoyed fantasizing scenarios but I never did something about it, I didn't expect them to do anything either. I just admired them from afar, even my jealousy was forced. To be completely honest, I did end up having big feelings for them, but I don't think they were necessarily romantic. I always thought "What if they liked me back? What if we ended up dating? Then what?" I'm still trying to figure my feelings out, still questioning my aromanticisim. I guess I liked having big feelings? Maybe that made me feel like I was doing something important or interesting or genuine, like I was worthy of my peers' attention. Idk. Or maybe I liked it more when it wasn't actually real. Later on I started to describe my orientation as "well if it happens, it happens i guess". But still that put some amount of pressure on me that I now realise as I feel it vanish. I am the way I am. I don't have to do anything differently just in case I end up being wrong about who I am, just in case "it happens".
Questioning the nature of romantic love, feeling trapped when entering a romantic relationship like it just doesnt feel right, doubting romantic feelings and wanting to know what the difference between platonic feelings and romantic ones was a big indicator for me.
One huge sign that I was aro was that I always interpreted love songs as platonic. Didn't know why, but I just always assumed they were talking about a close friend or with break up songs, they were sad about losing that friendship. Took me until recently to realize they were talking about romance, lol. I still sometimes interpret love songs as platonic. Another sign was that in media, I never understood or saw the point of romance. On TV I never understood why if people weren't compatible, they didn't just break up or why they acted like being single was the worst thing in the world and bent over backwards to get into relationships. Like, why did they care so much about being in a relationship when there's so many better things to do? I also had (still do) a big issue with romance in fantasy and dystopian books because I'll be like, "You all are trying to take down an oppressive government, you don't have time for romance!" However, I just thought that was me being introverted, not aro.
I’m so confused rn lol. I’m bisexual, that I know for sure, but I’ve always struggled with knowing what romantic attraction felt like.. I’ve only “dated” one of my bestest friends ever, and even then most of the joy I felt in having that label of ‘girlfriends’ was knowing she was MY one and only gf?? Like, the exclusivity aspect of it, because I really love her a lot and it felt really good to have that label so I stood out amongst her other best friends as someone she likes enough to choose as a girlfriend. But honestly.. throughout the relationship we had, we did nothing we didn’t already do during our friendship. The most that changed, was maybe the underlying sexual tension sometimes LOL. I also don’t differentiate between friendships and “non friend” things well, especially in a physical sense? Like being touchy, kissing, etc. even stereotypically romantic gestures like giving Valentine’s Day gifts and writing poems for my best friends. Sexually too, I really don’t get the big deal abt being friends with benefits with someone, like.. isn’t that so convenient? You already trust and care for each other and now u have this special activity that’s fun for both of you lol. I think I just don’t understand sex romantically, honestly. I don’t get how people can fuck and fall in love…??? Like especially in those FWB situations, where it’s established that you’re just friends… I get the jealousy aspect of it,because I fear getting replaced by my friends,but it’s not anything special to romance in my life. I don’t know if I’m just in denial over being head over heels in love with my best friends orrrrr I’m aro? I don’t think I’m romantic repulsed per say, but whenever I’ve tried talking to someone new with the intention of dating them, it always felt … forced? And slightly uncomfortable. I’d be fine “putting the moves” on s9meone, flirting and initiating skinship, but when I’d receive it, I would haaaaate it and be kinda grossed out. I assumed it was like a,, control thing and I was just scared of losing control in the romance. But now that I think about it, maybe it was just because I knew that they were doing these things romantically, and I didn’t know how to respond to that. Another thing was when I felt like someone I was chatting up would suddenly be vulnerable with me, be super bashful, or tell me theyre falling for me, I’d feel SUPERR uncomfortable and pressured to return the feelings but I just didn’t. Chalked it up to maybe having a fearful avoidant attachment style,, since I love and crave being able to have heart to heart talks with loved ones, but honestly i never really have that level of discomforting feeling when I’m with my best friends.. except for the period of time when I was dating the girl I mentioned before, because I was scared she’d take that label of girlfriend away from me, and it would be because she didn’t like me especially much compared to all her other friends. And even when she started talking to me about her crush after we broke up, I was like… jealous, but when other friends of mine talk about someone they really like, that’s how I feel too? Like wow, I wish I had someone who I looked at that way too. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. My entire life I’ve had “crushes” but it was almost always purely physical. And in the case of my ex girlfriend, I just craved that validation of knowing she thought I was special to her too when we dated. Romance has been so ingrained in me, and i always wished I’d meet someone who’d make me fall for them and experience all the romancy fireworks n stuff, but I never have. Man, the more I type this out the more being aromantic is starting to make sense. I guess im aromantic then lmao
I’m really struggling with my identity at the moment because for years I’ve been convinced that I will fall in love and be with a romantic partner and that I’ve just been unlucky so far or just haven’t put myself out there enough cause I’m introverted. Plus I’m autistic so I’m just a bit baffled about whether this is genuinely my sexuality or just me being meh about people overall. But the more I research, the more I relate, and I just do not know. Thank you so much for making this video, and for all the commenters sharing their own aroace experiences. It’s really helping and with luck I’ll figure some stuff out soon :)
One of the things I did when I was close to figuring my aromantic-ness out, but not yet completely there, was constantly thinking about with who I'd end up if my life was a book or movie. Like, for example, with one of my friends from school, my neighbour, a guy in my class I fought a lot with, my partner in dance lessons, my internet friends etc. Then I'd feel kinda weird afterwards, because I really didn't want anything from them. I figured myself out when I got into a weird romantic situationship with said dance partner and I felt horrible and sick and nauseous that I couldn't love them back the way they were loving me, so I just kind of came out to them and ghosted them after a few months because everything was really weird and I felt so guilty because they were in a bad place when I "broke up" with them. It's not my proudest moment and I seriously didn't know what else to do. I hope they're in a much better place than they were before (I sure am!) and that they may have found someone who can give them something I couldn't. Oh, and that incident also led me to be hyper-aware of people who might show me some kind of romantic attention, even when they're really just being friendly, but I just don't want to hurt people again the same way I hurt my dance partner.
I've noticed that I'm way more conscious (or maybe paranoid) of how others could feel towards me after my own uncomfortable situationship, too. I'm just terrified friends might end up attracted to me, even though realistically there isn't much I could do to change that, aside from being transparent with them.
im not really sure how to say this but, hi! I wanted to ask (if its not too personal!) how you would go about "breaking up" with your dance partner looking back on it now? (assuming you'd ever see this, that is). I've personally found myself in a VERY similar situation to you and I'm not really sure how to go about telling this person I'm not romantically in love with them, but more so platonically- if that makes sense... I want to tell this person how I feel, but they're also in a bad place and also say that they love me (despite my inability to accept/understand how or why they'd actually love me). they're one of my best friends, and I really don't want to break that bond. if you see this and have any advice I would appreciate it SO MUCH, but obviously I understand that its not always possible. thank you
@@forevertiredkrystal4705 Hi! Yes, I did see your reply (obviously) and I'm so proud of you for figuring out what you would like from the relationship with your friend, that's not an easy thing to do and something most arospec people I know, myself included, have struggled or are still struggling with. Figuring this out and accepting it yourself is the first and usually hardest part, good job! Just note that I know neither you nor your friend so if you don't like the advice I give you or feel like it wouldn’t work, feel free to ditch it. In fact, I do encourage you to tweak it in whichever ways to make it more fitting to the two of you and the situation you're finding yourself in. So, first of all, before you do anything else, sit down with yourself for a few minutes and figure out what exactly you want from this relationship. A friendship, a platonic partnership, a queerplatonic relationship or maybe you would feel comfortable with a relationship in which they love you romantically while you love them platonically (which is still very much possible, though might be challenging to navigate). Be sure you know what you want and where your boundaries are. If it helps, jot your thoughts down on a piece of paper. Then, just talk with them. And if it's possible for you, meet in person and don't do it over the phone. I "broke up" with my dance partner via text which was in retrospect the worst thing I could've done, don't make the same mistake that I did, that was shitty of me! It might seem easier, but does more harm in the end! (Of course, this will be hard if it's an internet friendship) Just be open, clear and honest and don't expect them to know what they want immediately (you've had time to prepare yourself for this conversation while they most likely haven't). Give them some time to figure out what they themselves want and then maybe sit down another day and talk about it again, if that's possible. Just make sure both of you are aware of how the other is feeling and what they're comfortable and uncomfortable with. I know that this sounds scary and you will be making yourself vulnerable by discussing such topics, but it's far better than just doing whatever you think would work while not consulting them. That will just hurt people in the long run. And make sure to treat yourself after you've had this conversation. It's a very difficult thing to do and requires so much bravery and trust, so you've definitely earned that ice cream or long walk with your dogs or listening to music on the roof or baking your favourite cake or going for a drink with your friends (whatever it is that will make you calm down again) (though I would not encourage drinking if the conversation didn't go the way you'd like, my chemistry teacher once gave me a piece of wisdom I will cherish forever. Alcohol only enhances the feelings you're feeling. If you're happy because you're out with your friends and it's fun, a sensible amount of alcohol will enhance that happiness. If you're sad because you feel guilty, drinking will make it worse. So don't drink if you're sad, kiddo!) And if you do end up in a relationship of any kind DON'T STOP COMMUNICATING! COMMUNICATION IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, WHETHER IT BE PLATONIC, ROMANTIC OR QUEERPLATONIC!!! This was also something I had to learn when it comes to my current queerplatonic partner (though I will not dive into that if you don't want to know it, my comment is long enough as it is, whoopsie) I hope this kinda helps? The key here is just: Be aware of what you want and communicate your feelings and boundaries with them and also respect theirs, but never let them talk you out of your boundaries (if you're not okay with kissing, holding hands, physical touch in general, for example). Be true to yourself while also respecting their feelings. If you're still in school, talk with your school counsellour and if you feel comfortable, bring your friend as well (and yes, this will feel a little weird, especially in the beginning. My school counsellour was my psychology teacher I've had for only a few months before and it was weird talking to him about those personal issues, but he did end up giving some good advice) Also, don't get in a relationship with them just because they are in a bad place and you'd feel guilty if you'd reject them. Trust me, they will be more hurt when they find out that you've pretended to be in love with them because you felt bad for them, and they are going to find out if you do so. It's better for everyone involved if you're honest from the beginning. And before you leave, just let me tell you, that I now am officially your older aro sister, no matter how old you are, and you can always ask me if you need anything regarding your aro-ness. If you feel uncomfortable discussing it in this comment section because it's too personal, I can drop my discord handle where you can always reach me if you need anything. I'm crossing my fingers for you! I love you and I'm proud of you! Just remember to drink enough water, take your meds if you have to do so and be kind to yourself. Happy Pride Month!
@@forevertiredkrystal4705 Oh, and I would like to add something: If you try your best to be respectful and honest and still end up hurting them, you are not the villian. You are not evil. You are a person, just as much as they are and you are in a difficult situation. Don't blame yourself if they are hurt because you couldn't return their romantic attraction. Try to be as open and respectful as possible but your feelings are just as valid as theirs are
@@dandelionhood4508 oh my gosh. thank you sososso much!! I still don't believe I've figured myself COMPLETELY out, but im definitely going to use this advice. I've really been telling myself not to communicate my thoughts and feelings over text and this really just solidified that for me. im not the best at talking about this stuff, so I am sososo thankful that you gave me many more reasons to work on my communication skills in relationships. your comment has really opened my eyes with what I actually wanted in a relationship and what boundaries I have been ignoring lately! not to mention the fact that this is the most kind, informative and lovely comment I've ever received! I plan on telling this person how I feel soon, I just wanted to take some time like you've said to figure out how to let them know! but again, thank you SO much for your insight and giving such a warm welcome. id be honoured to have you as an older aro sister 😭
When people around me started dating eachother I was sooo confused.. I always thought how weird everyone was for wanting one. 😅 only later I found out that I was the odd one out lol
I did not realise I was aro until a couple of months ago and I am almost 34 now. Ever since I started this deeper self discovery journey everything makes so much more sense and I am truly thankful for this part of our modern digital age; the free access to this kind of info that make that broken lightbulb over you head suddenly work and shine bright 😊 Now I know there is nothing wrong with me, I am not a broken ultimate prize for someone to fix and win, I do not have to comply or conform to social convention and live in a lie anymore just because it is expected of me! I am finally free
My sign was thinking I was asexual and alloromantic. Basically I thought it was common for asexual people to have less crushes than other people (probably read that somewhere on Reddit). I related to that a bunch (cause I had had one crush in my 18 almost 19 years of life) and was relieved I wasn’t aromantic. Turns out those people are most likely on the aromantic spectrum. Soooo now I identify as grey(hetero)romantic and asexual and I’m desperately waiting for my next crush 🫠
Also: The way you behave with each other in the video? For me that is totally romantic! I mean it's sweet and clear that you like each other. You touch. I always considered that to be exactly what romance means - and have no idea why some relationships were called friendships and others "relationships" except by trying to look through societal concepts like living together, kissing, doing nice things for each other ( I literally asked my partner after several month of being friends if we should call our relationship a "relationship" as people were getting annoying about wanting to know and I had no idea how to know if we're a "relationship" or just close friends - funny thing: my partner had no idea either. In the end we chose to just roll with it, so now we've been a "couple" for years. Which does confuse people if I say that for me we are a mixture of friends/siblings/best flatmates/lovers in an everchanging something?). Best thing: Our friend circle at that point was so cuddly that inside it no one ever asked us about relationship-status-shit as our behaviour with each other didn't stand out at all :D I liked that best as I felt like I could just do what I wanted without having to conform to expectiations.
This is a very unique space for me being aro allosex. I used to try talking more about it through life, dealing with a lot invalidation, and now I'm in a romantic relationship, so I just got in the closet about it. But I've recorded a few snippets for showing to people I trust. Thanks for that, it's valuable for us.
I don't mean to offend with this, but I honestly thought I was autistic or something before finding the aro label. While I was fine being sociable (especially after getting over my social anxiety), I was a very comfy and quiet introvert too, so that introversion and my aromanticism combined into a feeling of not really getting people fully. I knew it didn't really quite fit since I was definitely not struggling in a lot of ways my friends who had it did interacting with others, and since it was such a subtle unease I had never fully entertained the idea beyond a slim chance of an explanation to that desync. Honestly I'm only now (as I am writing this) realizing that this was probably the reason I felt detached, and autism was the closest thing I had in my mind that could maybe be an explanation if I squinted hard enough.
I don't know if I'm aromantic. When I have romantic feelings I express them in an over the top overwhelming way. But if others express romance to me I often don't see it as clearly. This can lead to them feeling ignored and rejected and me being confused at why they're pulling away. Been doing a lot of reflecting on this recently. I didn't really relate to most of the points. Maybe I'm not aromantic. I don't know.
I never actually related to the romantic aspects of romance stories but I was maybe exited to keep going because I saw how important the love was to those characters and I was fascinated and kinda happy for them. But deep down I still always knew that I wouldn't crave that feeling for myself to be fulfilled. And it was the sexual parts that actually turned me on better, so my sexuality is definitely healthy. Every time a friend or someone told me about their crush, I couldn't even relate to that feeling. I almost thought they are overreacting. I've been close with other girls but not the way one would think. It all has started to make sense.
I mean I've gotten an idea of what romance is like through movies, series, people and media. And in fact I adore the idea, just not when it comes to me.
I've had a really mixed experience with romanticism over the course of my life. I've been in a lot of relationships and experienced different feelings with each one, but after doing some recent reflecting, I've realized that I just dislike romance. When I'm around couples, I get extremely uncomfortable. Even when I was in relationships, I always thought that the standard "coupley" activities most people did, like cuddling or using petnames, were all super performative and uncomfortable. I'm finally starting to question if I'm somewhere on the aro spectrum, though I've never really heard anyone describe the same experiences I have. I don't mind the idea of being in a relationship, but the romance itself just feels like something I wouldn't ideally want to partake in. I'm glad there's so much information and people talking about their experiences online now. I can't imagine trying to figure this out without the guidance of the internet lol.
I remember making up that I had a crush, based on "this person is my friend (or friendly) and they are aesthetically attractive". For the longest time (we didn't have internet at the time), I thought that a crush was "this person would make a good friend and they are aesthetically attractive". Over the past few years, I've come to realize that what I thought was romantic and sexual attraction is really just a strong platonic attraction, as I've never been interested in the sexual (or really any physical aspect) of a relationship or had much inclination towards anything that society considers romantic. The biggest indicator for me has been the "romantic" relationship I'm in really hasn't changed between the "we're just really good friends" to "we're romantically significant others" to "we're planning on eventually getting married", other than how other people perceive it and treat us as a result.
The irony of getting an ad for a new romance movie after this video 😆 A sign that I now realize put me on the aromantic spectrum was the irritation I felt at the sight of people getting married. Like, the whole thing just seemed so ridiculous. But I now understand why it's such a huge deal because of the financial benefits and all the other stuff, and I can feel happy for people who choose to marry. Another sign was my hatred of romcom movies.
Truth or dare was the worst, I never knew what to say and everyone always said I was lying or hiding someone, or eventually just assumed I was gay and hiding it.
I'm trying to figure it out as I realized I related to a good amount of aro identity, such as going on dates I didn't consider dates, but just hanging out with a friend, not being sure what romantic attraction is, finding all things related to romance shallow, never imagining the ideal date or the ideal partner, the fact I had only 2 crushes in my almost 20 years of life... But still there's the fact I had a huge crush on a guy for a long time, but still I never felt like I was in love, never felt butterflies and even having a normal heartbeat while he put his arm around my shoulder once at the movie theater... Plus the fact it all started with me CHOOSING to pursue him, as I hadn't love experiences yet, and he was the most decent out of my acquaintances... And let's not forget when my friend told me said crush wanted to date her: I was HAPPY, because I felt relieved, while my friend was super scared cause she expect me to be super mad, which I don't understand cause how can I be mad to her?? She didn't make the guy like her on purpose, the guy has all right to like someone who is not me.... Anyway, I digressed. What do you think? Am I on the aro spectrum? Please let me know cause I'm very confused
i can’t say anything to reply to this really cus i’m also just now questioning if i am also aro😂😂😭 i was like i know ik asexual after questioning for like 6 years… and i’m like i still like people aesthetically AND romantically right???but then i was like wait a min 💀 i am going on my 22 year and i’ve never been in a relationship and i also only really had like 2 crushes if i could even call them that i just picked random people others liked… to sorta of “fit in” . sometimes i really wanna be in a relationship but i’m also way too scared to even try, people where i am at don’t really know about asexuality so🤧😂 all i can maybe say is …..i think that you shouldn’t really push it on yourself honestly if you really do end up being aro i think you will know eventually i say just don’t give it too much thought until something happens and then you can start thinking .. but if you are questioning you most likely could be on the spectrum somewhere 🤧 anyways goodluck on your journey too 😂❤️
Yeah, I think that you are somewhere on the aroace spectrum. You can for now use terms like "questioning aroace" or as I said "on the aroace spectrum" to describe yourself if you aren't sure what fits you/don't want a specific label. Have a nice day!
I'm asexual and have known this since I was about 10yo or so, but I could never truly figure out where my romantic attraction landed. This video and each comment here have been a great help and I finally realized I'm not Aromantic, idk what am I exactly lol but I'm sure it's not Aro. I think it's hard for us to compare experiences since we're all so different and could also grow and change as we age, but everyone's comments sharing their experiences have been so helpful I thought I could give you my two cents from someone who couldn't figure out if they were Aro as well. Honestly speaking what caught my attention in your comment was how you felt about your crush, I imagined being in your situation, in a movie theater and someone I kinda liked acted friendly and close to me that way - I would've reacted very happy, I would get excited the butterflies and all that sweet stereotypical shit lmao. I think everyone loves differently, I know how frustrating it is to not get objective answers but feelings are hard to explain. Nevertheless regardless of what people think you are or see you as, you should always remember your feelings are valid and only you can define yourself! ♡
This weekend I had a friend ship me with her brother because we were talking about things that we liked so I just said NO NEVER SHIP ME WITH ANYONE and then my group of friends excepted the fact that was aromantic with knowing the term
Thank you for providing a safe space to learn. I think someone close to me may be aromantic, but doesn't seem to realize yet. Great video, y'all! 🙏❤🏳🌈🏳⚧
Thank you for making videos like this! I needed this because I am aro-curious. I often have difficulty trying to understand how people in (non-spicy) novels and movies fall in love so fast because it always seems like the equivalent of a healthy platonic friendship. I've never fallen in love, but I have had good friends before. I don't see marriage in my future and I actually love that idea. All I've ever wanted are good friends because I can feel the love from that and it fulfills me (plus they give me the space I need when I go home 😂) and a dog tbh.
9:05 I thought I was bi for a while, I thought it was romantic/sexual attraction towards people, but it was really just me thinking “oh that person looks cool I wanna be their friend”
I know that everyone experiencies are different, but while seeing this video I could stop thinking "Oh, well... that explains a lot" . But really, even if I knew the term and consider that I might be aromantic it truly helps me hearing your thoughts and personal experiencies, because like you said, the technical stuff might not be the rule, is more the vibe ✨️ Btw english is not my first lenguage, so sorry for any grammar mistake or not choosing the right words
I really resonate with the concept of a 'milder identity' as u put it. For years I identified as straight because I never had a moment of romantic/sexual attraction that lead me to think otherwise and when I started to question my perception of sexual/romatic attraction or the lack thereof I switched to 'queer' (altho I did't really tell people because I was ashamed to use such a broad term as my specific identity and felt like I was not 'queer' enough to be able to use it aka I felt like a hypocrite) because I just had this vibe of I'm definitely not straight but have no clue what else this could be. I now identify as aroace (maybe bi-angled) and I'm so happy I found the terms I feel represent me the best!
Yeah, this is my second comment but I wanted to talk about one sing Well you've already talk about this, but the thing that made me think about being aromantic is that I've always been looking for someone to be really close with in a non-romantic way, but even now I could find it because everyone prioritize or focus in romantic relationships. Sometimes I might think that I was being selfish or I was actually in love with someone (you know, amatonormativity). But I couldn't ignore the fact that I was sad about thinking that the only way was to be in love with someone to be really really really close, and at the same time it doesn't make sense to me. Why does romantic love has to be my goal? I don't feel it like that, so yeah I was (and still am) very happy when I find someone that is not thinking about romantic relationships, until they do of course. But anyways, I'm glad I never discard the idea of being aro, and being open to change that without pressure, thank you for making this channel and video 🫶
I recently realized I’m aromantic because I just figured out my “crushes” weren’t really crushes. I tend to develop “crushes” on close girl friends of mine but I never wanted to date them. I didn’t understand that there was supposed to be romantic attraction behind crushes. 🤦🏾♀️
Okay, my experiences... Or just things I think I understand about myself and some others I still have to figure out. I've been through almost all these situations. I've always felt uncomfortable when someone asks me anything around the topic, or when I'm being shipped with a friend, or to avoid Truth or Dare, because I know no one would believe I didn't have a crush "yet". But there is something that simply does not match with all this... I'd like to be in a relationship. This is embarrassing hahaha. But I love watching romantic stories, from books, animated tv series and movies, and I shipp characters SO HARD, and I'm always looking forward to see them finally getting engaged on a relationship, and more of their cute moments together. It all makes my heart go warm, and makes me want to have it with someone... At the same time I don't even understand the concept of crushing or romantic attraction at all. I don't think I have ever felt this for anyone. Have anybody feel the same?
Omggg yessss. I Love couple storys and i would Like to be Loved Like that too. But at the Same time i can‘t feel the kind of Love for anybody and i don‘t get it
honestly I still struggle with the loneliness that comes with a lack of romantic attraction, I think it's a big part of life but I'm focusing on the fact that I can love platonically and that what matters in the end.
I figured after WAY too long already that I was ace, and figured rather than taking the NEXT two decades I might as well try and figure out what if any romantic attraction I might have. That's why I'm here. Help!
I don't know if I'm aromantic or not, but me thinking I like my friend romantically for 6 MONTHS just because we were pretty close was a hell of expirience😭😭😭
The way you guys talk about and look at romance is what made me realize we're in the same boat. I've been so frustrated trying to understand what romance even is
Sometimes i question my aromanticism because what even is romantic attraction.I’m never sure if i feel aethstetic attraction to someone or if i’m just faking it and i actually love them.I’m 99% sure i’m aromantic but sometimes i still question it.
Omg I just found your channel and you two are such QPR goals!! I’ve been having a lot of aro angst this last year because the idea of finding a qpr partner just seems so unlikely so I’m glad that I get to see you two 🥹
One big sign for me as someone who writes a lot of fantasy/fiction in my free time is that I unintentionally write a lot of my characters to be on the aro-ace spec. Like, I would start out writing them thinking that I had made the character allosexual/alloromantic, only to realize later that I had accidentally written them to be aro and/or ace. I just find writing my characters and their relationships that way to be a lot more natural, and I honestly can't figure out how to intentionally write them to be allo without constantly cringing at how strange and nonsensical I find allo people (especially straight allo's) to be.😅
I kinda did sm similar, in fiction I tend to appreciate and look for content of platonic relationships more (no romance at all), or aromantic relationships (besties but married and they love each other)
i wish i could talk to you two in person as an aroace person myself i wish i could meet with you guys and just talk :)) One big sign for me was loving romcoms, romance books, romance tv shows, romance mangas, romance animes, fanfics, yadayada, but imagining yourslef doing any of this with a real person sounds completely different. like loving the idea of romance and intimacy and having crushes on people, but not really getting it yourself, yk? not sure i explained this the right way lol
Been wading through this for decades, longer than a number of people here have probably been alive, and many of these things are true even back in the day where asexuality wasn't even known (aromatic is comparatively new). Just wanted to say that it's okay to continually be sorting through it all as you go - I think it's all very nuanced and okay to newly understand aspects of yourself as you go.
I'm still a teenager, but I'm pretty sure I'm aroace. Though I like the idea of romance in theory and love it to watch romance shows I can't imagine having a relationship for myself. I also noticed a few things over the years for my friends. When my friends started to talk about their idea type and their future (getting married etc) , I always felt uncomfortable and didn't knew what do say When I see someone, I consider pretty I often think something like "I would like to be friend with them" and I don't really have the crush feeling, my friends would describe (I never had a crush btw) The though of having a relationship generally makes me feel weird and anxious
Ive been doing a lot of thinking about what i might be, and theres one thing that is happening in my life that truly makes me feel that i might be aro. I currently have a "crush" on a certain boy and i have for a little while, but when i look back at how it all started, it doesnt seem as if its really how crushes are meant to happen. I remember my mother having seen him working at a grocery store and having said," that is the kind of guy you should be going after, hes cute and he works hard." And my brain kinda just went, "ok, then i will," and from then on i kinda just developed a "artificial crush" on this boy. And to be frank, that's kind of how all my "crushes" have festered. Theres constantly times when i become afraid that i might become alone in the future, and in my own way of trying to avoid that, i try to find people who, if i absolutely had to, I could date and not totallly be uncomfortable, or uninterested. And when i think about it, i dont think thats how crushes are supposed to happen. Other people create a romantic relationship with others out of a deep desire, im doing it cause i feel like i may have to, when in reality, i dont really feal anything romantic towards them.
I love the idea of romance for myself but it does not come naturally. I have never truly had a crush on someone. When I look back I can clearly see that my “crushes” were the result of audhd hyper focus on new people. My friends would ship characters and say they found someone attractive and I just pretended because I thought we were all pretending. 😅 My partner is the only person I want to be romantic with. I express this through gifts more than physical affection. He understands me so much 😊
thank you for this video, you guys seem like really nice people :) Recently ive been in another classic queer identity spiral considering whether I'm aro. It's gotten to the point of googling this video because of how annoyed ive been with seeing so much romance in media. I just don't see the obsession with it everywhere, and it feels like people are exaggerating or talking about things I'm too young to understand. Like when people rant about yearning for someone, experiencing heartbreak over a relationship, or how tough the dating scene is, i just get an overwhleming feeling of "I dont feel that way!! at all!! am I weird or just inexperienced??". Like i've never felt this hole inside that needed to be filled with a relationship (i used to, in middle school, but turns out I was just seeking male attention because of self esteem issues and now that that's gone, I havent wanted to be in a relationship in years!!). The most confusing part is I know im allosexual and bisexual. I thought I had crushes but when crushes turned to relationships it got boring and I didnt reciprocate romantic feelings. The parts I felt passion for were the flirting and making out and getting yknow sexual, because i did find them physically attractive. and i liked hanging out with them. but when it got to dates, or calling them my boyfriend or girlfriend, it felt so performative. i felt like a complete robot. after breakups, i rarely cried, and when I did it was just about what it meant for my ego to be broken up with, like how i wasnt as special to that person. it wasnt about not having them around anymore. ugh but i dont know! part of me is terrified of dying alone and all my friends prioritising romantic relationships and i cant have my dream platonic friend that lives with me and our dogs because that feels like too much to wish for!!!! i feel like a soulless sex craving unable-to-be-happy robot without feelings :(( but this video helps. seeing you guys happy makes the good ending a little more believable. and the community here is nice. this feels so new and unstable. this self realisation. i dont know if ill change my mind or how to feel about this potential identity.
I realized how aro ace I am after I realized 😂 that I feel more passion, excitement, emotion by doing microscopy than spending time with my boyfriend. He is a great person but nobody ever can make me feel nowhere near "in the right place". Only non-human stuff
I've never liked or had romantic feelings for anyone. When I share that with the people around me, they still say I'm picky or that I'm like this or that. I come from a Southeast Asian country so people really don't seem to know anything about aro, sometimes I pretend to like someone to show that I'm not different, which is a bit annoying.. .. I still hope I can live true to my emotions even in an environment like this, haha🙃🙃😃
I never exactly liked anyone romantically, but I found people attractive or cool so I just said I liked them, but i almost never imaged kissing cuddling or holding hands and I never was attracted to the idea of that. I could really like someone as a person but I never was comfortable with romantic things others had to offer
Hi! I only started watching your videos lately and I wanted to say thank you so much for making them:) They’re very informative and help me personally too a lot, I can’t even begin to describe how reassuring it feels to see others say things out loud I’ve also been feeling and express that it’s Okay to feel those things. You guys are such lovely people with a warm presence that it’s so nice to watch your videos and hear you talk about your experiences. Have a nice day
My understanding of what romance is is based on a superficial understanding of romantacism as a philosophy. The idea of a soulmate. Someone you want to know, and to be with forever. Passion for someone else. Destiny. I've never seen it as specifically sexual or necessarily extravagant with profession. But idk.
I think my biggest sign was when my friends in high school got me to date this one girl and we dated for a month and I never really interacted with her and she soon said we should break up, which we did. My second sign was when I asked this girl to go on a date, she declined, then when I asked if she wanted to see a movie, she said yes then after we saw the movie she established that it was a date and that I messed it up by not making a move and I was very confused that it was a date. Lastly my 3rd reason was whenever I hear anyone talk about a relationship or breaking up or having sex my mind just goes blank almost. I desire romance but I don't think I feel it like how others feel it
lol the 1st one is sooooo acurate! I was forced to pick an oposite sex classmate during a truth or dare in high school, i told them i wasn't interested in anyone, but they just forced me to pick.
As an arospec/aro questioning asexual individual myself. I don’t really get it when people immediately kiss or more after a first meeting or date. I’m always like: “You barely know this person… what-?” I also don’t really understand the amount of dishonesty allo couples sometimes have. Like, you trust and love this person, why are you not telling them what’s on your mind? (This can be anything by the way. Something as small as asking them to clean up after themselves or actually liking someone else)
God i'm just accepting I'm aromantic, it's been six months and I can't believe I didn't realize sooner! I'm 24! Never had a crush, if I was interested in someone that feeling would fade in two days, never understood the difference between platonic and romantic, the thought of a friend confessing their feelings to me made me angry and when a stranger flirted with me I never believed them bc I was like "you don't know me! tf" and if I imagined myself in a romantic relationship it would actually make me sick! I'm happy to have an answer tho, it's feels right, reading/hearing everyone's experiences help a lot ❤
I don't know if this certainly counts as a sign, but in elementary school, I used to resent a boy for kissing a girl in my class, not because I was jealous but because I was genuinely repulsed by that kind of physical contact. Now I feel stupid and mean for resenting him for something I didn't understand. I would be repulsed by anything romantic or sexual. My cousin and I had watched a kissing scene in a movie once and I openly expressed how repulsed I was and my cousin was like, "Why are you disgusted by this stuff? It's just a kissing scene." I would be like, "I dunno, I just don't like that kind of stuff."
I've never been sure if I'm aro, but my big sign is getting into relationships and wanting an out super quickly. Like nothing wrong or bad happens, but the status of the relationship changes your "crush" to someone you don't want to see (romantically).
I also never got how people broke up. Idk if you guys meant it this way, but people are in love one day and the next say "I never want to see them again" when nothing big happened ? I also don't know get the big stigma of staying friends with your ex. Like, if they aren't a bad person, what's the problem ?
I’ve dated three people and I’m in high school, I’ve been on one date and none of these relationships I’ve felt romantic attraction. I feel sexual attraction but I don’t have crushes or feel romantic towards anyone and sometimes I get jealous cause I see people dating and in love but I can’t feel romantic attraction. for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me
woah some of these signs made me go "OMG SO THATS WHY I THINK THIS" or "NO WONDER". I definatly think I identify more as Aegoromantic but this has been so helpful. I think I finally realise why i'm 19 and still single.
OMG I definately hate truth or dare! Mostly because they'd ask me awkward questions I didn't know how to answer or dare me to do stuff I really didn't want to do! I've never been on a date... I'm polyqueerplatonic and want at LEAST one (but open to more) close friends I do everything with Breakups don't make sense to me either. I had multiple relationships because I thought it was normal and expected and I really liked their company. But after we broke up, they just left me and wouldn't even stay friends. And I'm just like, why? It hurt more that they didn't want nothing to do with me than the actual breakup. I was the odd one out as the only one not seeking a sexual relationship. But I did seek romantic relationships (Cupioromantic) I'm not entirely sure if I'm aromantic or not but cupioromantic for the moment fits while I figue it out
I totally relate to the truth or dare part. I'm pretty sure that I'm aroace, still figuring it out though but I've always avoiding joining a game of truth or dare or similar games as I was terrified of what questions or dares I might get. They almost always are about romance in some way
thanks for sharing , its helpful to hear otheres experiences 💚💚 for me ive enjoyed being in sort of relationships with friends who were in open relationships so there was no expectations of things going further or being depended on as a partner, but when i became someones partner it gave me a anxiety and i couldnt place why. i think i want affectionate friends rather than a romantic partnership its been confusing
I found out i was aroace recently As a kid, i was like "I dont know... i dont feel anything for boys.... maybe girls?" and some time i even tought i was pan or bi, yet, when people asked me for crushes, i was like "Uhhh i dont know...?" When i was a kid, a group of other kids asked me: "Who is your crush?" and i replied with a "I dont have one?" ( i was like 8 ), and the girls asked again saying "Cmon, you have to like seomone, everyone has a crush!", and i was like "Uh i dont know..?" and they asked again and saying "Just say the boy you like the most", and i answered saying the name of a boy that i found funny but, i never really felt romantic attraction, plus i never really tought about that boy or anyone at all..? i was happy just having friends and stuff I started growing older and older, and i tought i had a crush, i wanted to be around a girl and hang out with her alot and maybe hug sometimes? but, when i stopped to reflect, would i want to kiss her? would i really want to be romantic with her? when i tought about those questions, the answer was no. and it wasnt a crush, and i stopped to reflect all the crushes that i tought i had, yet none of them were really crushes, i didnt know the term, and i used to think like "What is wrong with me? why dont i feel attracted to anyone..." When i turned 14, i vented to a friend of mine telling that to them and they told me about the term aroace, and i related to it, thats how i found out i was aroace, and that was me!
The last few months, I've been coming to the realization that a lot of my feelings were just kind of... Misidentified? It's weird because I genuinely believed I had a crush on those people, but looking back, I think I just took the path of least resistance while wanting to be close to someone. Anxiety and loneliness have both fogged my judgement of self for so long, that it's kind of hard and scary to determine what my real identity might be.
Me too, only I created a musical inside my mind and I would then sing to the person I supposedly loved and try to get them to sing songs with me and dance with me and would get really confused and upset when they wanted sex with me and was extremely hurt when they decided to rape me because I refused sex. I think I'm just an aromantic asexual who likes to make up fictional love stories based on real people and on me and sing and dance with people as a way to create a musical theater story. I did it from anxiety and loneliness too. My end goal was to perform my stories on stage and go on tour with the stories, dances, and singing duets we had created, or to compete and win dance competitions. Their goal was sex. I couldn't understand why.
my most aro experience was when my friend (who i knew could cook well and enjoyed it, who i was texting a lot with as well) told me "you should find yourself a bf who can cook" in response to me telling him i can't cook at all. and what i said was "well, it's easier to learn to do it myself". i only realized this weeks after it happened, i still can't believe i did this, unintentionally. i just did not get the point, the thought that he could have meant something romantic simply did not occur to me. still not sure where in the arospec am i but this sort of thing does happen a lot
I always felt that, I liked the person best as a friend and not romantically I can't connect with others romantically I just feel normal love but never infatuation
I'm aro but not ace. I don't develop pair bonds. I have close friends, but it's different than romantic couples have. I do respect that others have that kind of bond and how important it can be, but I don't feel it internally. As a result, I stay away from situations that could be romantic.
I'm 21, home schooled, and autistic (and annoyed that comments don't support markdown) 1. I've never played truth or dare (and am not sure what it is) 2. I've never been on a romantic date (with or without realizing it) 3. _intentionally left blank_ 4. can't say I've thought about it much (also haven't seen many (any?) break-ups) 5. I've never really had a friend group or at least not one around my age 6. _intentionally left blank_ 7. I don't think I've ever been asked if I'm straight (or about my identity in that sense at all) 8. I don't think I've tried to define it, and now _insert a bunch of spinning question marks I guess_ 9. I've never been in a situation like that 10. or a situation like that afaik 11. I'm still trying to work out if I'm ace and/or aro, and more though about not trying to answer the aro part yet when I started doing ace research 12. _an interesting one_ maybe I am (I only recently found the term amatonormativity) 13. I am watching/have watched the video. did I find it helpful? maybe (also watched several other related videos) when I got to point 2 or 3 I expected to conclude with something like "I haven't had enough of these experiences, or been in enough of these situations, so how am I supposed to know" having watched the whole video that is not the right conclusion I'm still not sure if I'm aro or not though
For me it's like, what's the big deal in hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands with someone you're not romantically involved with? Society acts like you can only do those things with a romantic partner, and makes it seem like those kinds of affection are not an option in friendships. That's the biggest clue that I'm aromantic, and that I want to be in a QPR.
I totally agree!!
I am a allosexual and I was just questioning the same thing: "Why do I want a relationship so bad? Why do everyone want it? Where does this come from?". Because, for real, I just wish I was ace/aro. I feel so lonely from not having a relationship. I was questioning how much cultural norms have part in this".
Yess same!!
Adding on. This is so true and I find it very sad. It implies that a friendship is on a lower, inferior level to a romantic relationship which it isn’t.
Same!
i'm now realizing that most of crushes were suggested by other people..
like:
"ooooo do you like them :D"
"huh. i guess so."
this is really starting to click into place
I relate to that. The only time I had "crushes" was when people decided that I had a crush on this person. Not only that, but with people labeling themselves with these different sexual/romantic orientations, I always felt like I NEEDED to label myself as well because everybody else is doing it. That kind of mindset made me try to force myself to have a crush just so I could prove that yes, I have romantic feelings towards this person. No, no I did not lol.
One sign I was aromantic was when I came out as gay to a friend and then he asked me who do I have a crush on, and I was so confused because I didn't understand what does getting crushes have to do with this.
SAME OMG
I not gay, I am maybe aromantic. But would you explain this to me? I am also confused about your experience, if your sexual orientation was not defined by your initial realization you liked someone of the same sex, how did you realize you were gay in the first place? 😮
@@Ek70R Keep in mind that sexual attraction is different from romantic attraction. One can know "Oh yeah, I think I kinda like this type of thing" without having feelings for a particular person. Personally, while I'm straight, I'm very much aromantic and those I find attractive are very much separate from anything in the realm of romantic aspirations.
@@TheEpicPancake Oh yes ok I understand. I am sorry maybe I was equating crushes with sexual attraction when crushes are actually all about romantic attraction right?
I just came out as aromatic and asexual. I’ve been celibate for the last 9 years. 💕🌸🦋
So... Biggest sign I now see in myself was not understanding why non-compatible people in a relationship wouldn't just split up. Without romantic attraction, it seems just logical that you wouldn't want to be with someone whose personality, core values, life goals, or habits don't correspond with yours. If they were just your friend, you'd probably not spend as much time with them since they may be fun to be around but don't quite mesh with you.
Other signs for me included:
- naturally drifting toward friends that either aren't in relationships or don't talk much about dating
- extremely overthinking whether or not you've experience romantic attraction
- not realizing that being close to a friend (especially one of the opposite gender) in public can make people think you're dating
- being scared that a friend likes you when you have absolutely no feelings towards them (especially with fear that they won't want to be around you because you won't date them)
- feeling extremely uncomfortable or upset when people around you are shipping you with your close friends
- being scared that you're flirting when you have no idea how flirting works
- not enjoying or just avoiding romantic literature, movies, etc. because you couldn't care less about the relationships
So yeah.... turns out I'm just extremely aro ace! I was only missing 2 from this list.
mainly the being scared that you're flirting or: "wait- does it look like i like them? and doing everything i can to make it not look like that whilst keeping being friends (i make hardly any friends but when i do gender doesnt matter, but beeing a female a lot of my classmates are interested in truth or dare stuff) so yeah, though their questions are more rice purity test questions which... i am aro and allo/demi/gray (or maybe cupi but probs not) sexual so yeah i have 4 crossed off and man it aint going down cause people mostly want to date or keeping it at crushes at my age lol (its my birthday in 4 days, then i am turning 14 :))
I feel the same way in so many ways. Thanks for sharing!🦋🌸💕
I thought it was always weird to ship actual people. Like I thought it was frowned upon and that people actually didn't do that!
I ran around in college 10 years ago asking everybody "What is the point of relationships?" like how much more aro can you get smh.
And on the other hand, not understanding why people would want to split up based on pure feeling (of vanished romantic attraction) if they _are_ compatible in significantly many levels. This happened to me once, and it was extremely frustrating and confusing.
One sign I found in myself was that I tended to be bothered by or not understand relationships in media. I would be like "You've only known each other for three months! How are you already dating?!" or "You've been friends for 10 years! How come you're only starting to have feelings now?!"
By the way, I really appreciate you making these videos! It took me forever to realize that I was aromantic (and asexual), even though I've been adamant about not being interested in relationships since before I was 10, and it took me until I was 18 to realize that something was off. This video definitely would have helped me realize it sooner.
Also, when someone would ask if I was straight, I would respond with "I don't like anybody like that." I don't know how it took me so long to realize that that's not normal!
Same here it took many years since when I was a kid and until I was 14 and I realized that I was aromantic/asexual without noticing me. Sometimes I can't say myself if I'm gay or straight it felt like I'm alien or robotic human
I feel like the coincidence of being “nice to people” and acting “flirty” and being aromantic has to do with us not choosing who to be nice to depending on who we are attracted to, we are simply “nice” to everyone.
The biggest indicator for me was when I tried being in a romantic relationship, and yeah it was pretty much pure anxiety. I kept wondering what the difference was supposed to be between our old relationship and the "romantic" one, and on top of that I was just super unconformable when asked to do couple-ish (?) stuff.
I think another sign was a general dubious idea of romantic attraction, like sometimes I forget it's a real thing and not the stuff of myth or fiction.
Another that's perhaps connected to that was the feeling that "flirting" is fun but only in a sort of make-believe way, which I'm always afraid sounds cruel to people who take romance very seriously. To me "flirting" just looks like confidence-boosting playful banter that's significantly less entertaining when it goes somewhere I can't follow anymore.
Omg! I have those exact feelings about flirting. I was always just messing around. Romance just feels fake like something only in fiction. So seeing pda always made me uncomfortable. Realizing that I'm aromatic just makes me confused on what romance even is.
Yeah I tried to be in a relationship with my best guy friend but I broke it up after two weeks 💀 the anxiety was just too much and I didn't want to do anything more than holding hands 💀
dude i wish i didnt have to relate to this.
This is so true! As soon as me and my best friend started dating, I regretted it immediately. I felt like there was now a pressure to do things together and for me to always talk to him and plan things, even though I really just missed being by myself. He came to my house to watch a movie and we sat a few feet apart on the couch (my sister said we looked like cousins). We also went to a school dance and I couldn't enjoy myself because I was worried about how I was supposed to act as a girlfriend. We went back to being friends and I don't think I've ever felt more relieved. So, maybe I'm aro?
I used to think that a crush was something you made a conscious choice about. I recently found an old diary and while skimming through the pages, I did find some pro/contra lists I made about potential crushes. Somehow the cons always seemed to outweigh the pros by a huge margin. So I figured I just hadn't met the right person yet. I realized, that I was aromantic (and that crushes don't work like this) when I was faced with someone being in love with me, who actually had way more pros than cons and the idea of getting into a relationship with said person was still utterly unappealing to me.
Ahhh no, cause I also used to think that a crush was something you did counscioulsy!!!
I spent most of my life just picking some random boy or girl that seemed cute and said I had a crush on them. But one day when one of those boys finally liked me back, I literally had no idea what was I suppose to do next
Wait. It doesn't work like that?
I'm realizing I might be aromantic. I'm 24 years old and recently got out of a relationship. Romantic stuff like kissing, cuddling and sometimes even holding hands just felt uncomfortable to me. I honestly don't see myself ever getting married and honestly that's a bit of a relief
I feel the same way as you. I've had several relationships and some physical but I honestly feel so much better realizing I'm aro/ace. I prefer platonic relationships
Same for me as well
"You're watching this video"
Oof, you got me
It took me a really long time to actually identify as aro. In large part, this is due to my age. As a teen in the 1990s, I simply never encountered either the word or the concept. But I knew from puberty onwards that I wasn't interested in dating the way most of my friends were; talk about who liked whom, questions about crushes, what you would do on a date, etc felt very boring and shallow to me. In high school, I let it be known that I had a crush on an older person who was definitely unavailable to me; this was largely a way of trying to deflect questions about why I didn't date anyone at school. I am allosexual, so there were times when I confused sexual attraction with romantic attraction, but the reality is being in relationships always made me feel stifled, intruded upon, and generally annoyed with the world. It wasn't anything other people were doing wrong, I just felt obligated to perform things I wasn't really feeling.
I definitely never understood romantic love. I was in my late 30s, maybe even 40, before I realized that most people get married because they actually want to, not just because they are pressured or brainwashed by society. The idea of marriage literally makes me feel nauseous, and it took me a long time to understand that not everyone feels that way. Maybe if I had learned about aromanticism earlier, I might have understood more easily that I was the odd one. I mean, I had always had a feeling of being different from other people, but I never understood what it was.
What did eventually help me get to the realization was encountering the writings of Bella DePaolo and her concept of people who are "single at heart". I saw myself very clearly in that. By recognizing the description of people who want to remain single, I was able to start contrasting that with people who want romance, and thereby understand that people who desire romance actually do exist.
A couple of years later, I finally encountered the word aromantic. At first, I thought it didn't apply to me because I had dated occasionally and even been in relationships. As I learned more about it, of course, I realized that those things didn't exclude me from being aro. I also did a lot more self-reflection, concluding that those relationships were really just based on physical attraction and anything besides that just makes me feel icky.
I think all but two of the things on your list resonated with me, so yeah. You've got a good list, and I'm definitely aro (if I hadn't already known).
I think your generation is lucky because these things are talked about now. Just knowing that there are so many more orientations besides just straight, gay, and bi gives people a chance to understand themselves better at an earlier age and figure out how they want to live their lives. I hope the world will continue progressing beyond the limits of amatonormativity.
Your comment makes me feel seen. I also grew up in the 90s and I came to the same understanding of myself. I am 30 years old and realized I am aromantic 2 years ago.
I did have "crushes" tho back in high school, but realized it was aesthetic attraction and thats it. I wanted to date SO BAD because I needed the validation that stems from being liked and being attractive to others but tbh never understood what it meant.
I’m so glad you said this. I grew up in the 90s too and I’m now in my 40s and aro questioning because an enlightened friend suggested I might be. Cue lots of internet searches. I do fall in love but it is never a pleasant experience for me - it’s full of anxiety and pain. I do not enjoy it like the rest of the world says I must. I absolutely do love my friends and family, and I do love sex, but anything beyond the platonic is torture. I think I could be romantic but it would have to be *very specific* circumstances. Thank you x
Back in middle school and high school I felt the social pressure to date someone and assumed, "Yea this person is nice I must have a crush on them" and as I've gotten older I've realized that I didn't have crushes I just liked being around them. As an adult, I don't care about getting into a relationship anymore and would instead like to get a house with a friend. Between these two things, I started to question if I was aromantic. Also the thing about assuming that since you feel no attraction that you are bi/pan (cause everyone is the same to you) is a mood. That's how I realized I was asexual.
i have already had crushes and sometimes i do want to have ***, but then again when i come to think why do i want it seems like its only because im 22 and people make it to be weird to be 22 and a virgin. i dont really enjoy kissing people, i feel like its kinda disgusting and embarrassing. i dont like people being too intimate with me, like touching or stuff. i like flirting, but it seems like just a fun activity because when it comes to the dating part i really hate having to go out with someone. im really really troubled right now and honestly dont know what to think of it. this is just a little rant or something like that... i needed to share :(
What I really struggle to understand is what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like. Like, how am I supposed to know if my (great amount of ✨2✨) crushes have been romantic or something else (I realised like less than a week ago that the other one was platonic). I am generally not interested in a romantic relationship, but emotional closeness with someone would be nice (like maybe an alterous relationship). I still enjoy reading about romance or watching some romantic movies/series’s, but I’m not sure if I feel those in myself. I feel weirded out by the idea of feeling it. Right now my label is aegoromantic, but I’m just so frustrated for not knowing 100% if I liked that other person romantically or alterously. This sucks.
Well based on the experiences of other commenters, I think I just don’t feel romantic attraction… I just find this thought relieving 😂
Yeah I just really don’t understand what people mean when they say “you just know” like bitch I don’t know actually pls explain
It really resonated with me when you guys mentioned that some aromantics could start out thinking they're bi or just indifferent to identity associated with romance. I thought for the longest time that I was just panromantic because I felt the same for all types of people.
Dunno if there are any aros out there who did this, but I would just go on a lot of dates and numerically track them because in my head, I just had to put myself more out there to find someone that would "flip that romantic switch". I'd also have conversations about loneliness with other friends and feel out of touch because, apparently, there is a type of loneliness that you feel when you don't have a romantic partner? I was always saying things like "well, we'd really have some really serious, deep conversations as friends, right?" and all my friends would say "it's not the same".
I just want to say that I'm not saying you're not aromatic, but I experience romantic attraction, but I don't feel lonely without it.
Ok but the first part is so relatable. Especially because I’m bi oriented aroace so I thought what turned out to be queerplatonic attraction was just having a crush lol
I definitely have distinct memories of friends asking about my sexuality, and saying that "I've never had a crush, so I'm not sure yet." It took me a while to realise my identity was based on that, hahah!
Thats what I have been thinking about my sexulity until now. I am now starting to suspect that that I am aroace.
Same here!
1:24
Funny story…(-.-;)
some kid took me to his gazebo we watched the princess bride and played dnd! The whole time he was trying to like get physically closer to me, and was super nice. But me being ignorant didn’t realize that it was a date and just wanted to go because the word gazebo is funny haha (￣∇￣;)
I realised a pattern in my "crushes" that didn't cross my mind before I started to question if I'm aromantic or not. It was always like this: "New environment? Scan the crowd. Find someone aesthetically attractive. Get attached and stick with it." I now realise all this time I thought I wouldn't be interesting enough if I didn't like someone or didn't have a romantic subplot going on. I really enjoyed fantasizing scenarios but I never did something about it, I didn't expect them to do anything either. I just admired them from afar, even my jealousy was forced.
To be completely honest, I did end up having big feelings for them, but I don't think they were necessarily romantic. I always thought "What if they liked me back? What if we ended up dating? Then what?"
I'm still trying to figure my feelings out, still questioning my aromanticisim. I guess I liked having big feelings? Maybe that made me feel like I was doing something important or interesting or genuine, like I was worthy of my peers' attention. Idk. Or maybe I liked it more when it wasn't actually real.
Later on I started to describe my orientation as "well if it happens, it happens i guess". But still that put some amount of pressure on me that I now realise as I feel it vanish. I am the way I am. I don't have to do anything differently just in case I end up being wrong about who I am, just in case "it happens".
You literally just descrined me hahhahahah
Questioning the nature of romantic love, feeling trapped when entering a romantic relationship like it just doesnt feel right, doubting romantic feelings and wanting to know what the difference between platonic feelings and romantic ones was a big indicator for me.
One huge sign that I was aro was that I always interpreted love songs as platonic. Didn't know why, but I just always assumed they were talking about a close friend or with break up songs, they were sad about losing that friendship. Took me until recently to realize they were talking about romance, lol. I still sometimes interpret love songs as platonic.
Another sign was that in media, I never understood or saw the point of romance. On TV I never understood why if people weren't compatible, they didn't just break up or why they acted like being single was the worst thing in the world and bent over backwards to get into relationships. Like, why did they care so much about being in a relationship when there's so many better things to do? I also had (still do) a big issue with romance in fantasy and dystopian books because I'll be like, "You all are trying to take down an oppressive government, you don't have time for romance!" However, I just thought that was me being introverted, not aro.
I’m so confused rn lol. I’m bisexual, that I know for sure, but I’ve always struggled with knowing what romantic attraction felt like.. I’ve only “dated” one of my bestest friends ever, and even then most of the joy I felt in having that label of ‘girlfriends’ was knowing she was MY one and only gf?? Like, the exclusivity aspect of it, because I really love her a lot and it felt really good to have that label so I stood out amongst her other best friends as someone she likes enough to choose as a girlfriend. But honestly.. throughout the relationship we had, we did nothing we didn’t already do during our friendship. The most that changed, was maybe the underlying sexual tension sometimes LOL. I also don’t differentiate between friendships and “non friend” things well, especially in a physical sense? Like being touchy, kissing, etc. even stereotypically romantic gestures like giving Valentine’s Day gifts and writing poems for my best friends. Sexually too, I really don’t get the big deal abt being friends with benefits with someone, like.. isn’t that so convenient? You already trust and care for each other and now u have this special activity that’s fun for both of you lol. I think I just don’t understand sex romantically, honestly. I don’t get how people can fuck and fall in love…??? Like especially in those FWB situations, where it’s established that you’re just friends… I get the jealousy aspect of it,because I fear getting replaced by my friends,but it’s not anything special to romance in my life.
I don’t know if I’m just in denial over being head over heels in love with my best friends orrrrr I’m aro? I don’t think I’m romantic repulsed per say, but whenever I’ve tried talking to someone new with the intention of dating them, it always felt … forced? And slightly uncomfortable. I’d be fine “putting the moves” on s9meone, flirting and initiating skinship, but when I’d receive it, I would haaaaate it and be kinda grossed out. I assumed it was like a,, control thing and I was just scared of losing control in the romance. But now that I think about it, maybe it was just because I knew that they were doing these things romantically, and I didn’t know how to respond to that. Another thing was when I felt like someone I was chatting up would suddenly be vulnerable with me, be super bashful, or tell me theyre falling for me, I’d feel SUPERR uncomfortable and pressured to return the feelings but I just didn’t. Chalked it up to maybe having a fearful avoidant attachment style,, since I love and crave being able to have heart to heart talks with loved ones, but honestly i never really have that level of discomforting feeling when I’m with my best friends.. except for the period of time when I was dating the girl I mentioned before, because I was scared she’d take that label of girlfriend away from me, and it would be because she didn’t like me especially much compared to all her other friends. And even when she started talking to me about her crush after we broke up, I was like… jealous, but when other friends of mine talk about someone they really like, that’s how I feel too? Like wow, I wish I had someone who I looked at that way too. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. My entire life I’ve had “crushes” but it was almost always purely physical. And in the case of my ex girlfriend, I just craved that validation of knowing she thought I was special to her too when we dated. Romance has been so ingrained in me, and i always wished I’d meet someone who’d make me fall for them and experience all the romancy fireworks n stuff, but I never have.
Man, the more I type this out the more being aromantic is starting to make sense. I guess im aromantic then lmao
I’m really struggling with my identity at the moment because for years I’ve been convinced that I will fall in love and be with a romantic partner and that I’ve just been unlucky so far or just haven’t put myself out there enough cause I’m introverted. Plus I’m autistic so I’m just a bit baffled about whether this is genuinely my sexuality or just me being meh about people overall. But the more I research, the more I relate, and I just do not know. Thank you so much for making this video, and for all the commenters sharing their own aroace experiences. It’s really helping and with luck I’ll figure some stuff out soon :)
💜🖤💚aroace💚🖤💜
Same here
Same!!!🧡💛🤍💙💜
Samee
Saaaaame
@@WitchOnABroomstick :3
One of the things I did when I was close to figuring my aromantic-ness out, but not yet completely there, was constantly thinking about with who I'd end up if my life was a book or movie. Like, for example, with one of my friends from school, my neighbour, a guy in my class I fought a lot with, my partner in dance lessons, my internet friends etc. Then I'd feel kinda weird afterwards, because I really didn't want anything from them. I figured myself out when I got into a weird romantic situationship with said dance partner and I felt horrible and sick and nauseous that I couldn't love them back the way they were loving me, so I just kind of came out to them and ghosted them after a few months because everything was really weird and I felt so guilty because they were in a bad place when I "broke up" with them. It's not my proudest moment and I seriously didn't know what else to do. I hope they're in a much better place than they were before (I sure am!) and that they may have found someone who can give them something I couldn't.
Oh, and that incident also led me to be hyper-aware of people who might show me some kind of romantic attention, even when they're really just being friendly, but I just don't want to hurt people again the same way I hurt my dance partner.
I've noticed that I'm way more conscious (or maybe paranoid) of how others could feel towards me after my own uncomfortable situationship, too. I'm just terrified friends might end up attracted to me, even though realistically there isn't much I could do to change that, aside from being transparent with them.
im not really sure how to say this but, hi! I wanted to ask (if its not too personal!) how you would go about "breaking up" with your dance partner looking back on it now? (assuming you'd ever see this, that is).
I've personally found myself in a VERY similar situation to you and I'm not really sure how to go about telling this person I'm not romantically in love with them, but more so platonically- if that makes sense...
I want to tell this person how I feel, but they're also in a bad place and also say that they love me (despite my inability to accept/understand how or why they'd actually love me). they're one of my best friends, and I really don't want to break that bond. if you see this and have any advice I would appreciate it SO MUCH, but obviously I understand that its not always possible. thank you
@@forevertiredkrystal4705 Hi! Yes, I did see your reply (obviously) and I'm so proud of you for figuring out what you would like from the relationship with your friend, that's not an easy thing to do and something most arospec people I know, myself included, have struggled or are still struggling with. Figuring this out and accepting it yourself is the first and usually hardest part, good job! Just note that I know neither you nor your friend so if you don't like the advice I give you or feel like it wouldn’t work, feel free to ditch it. In fact, I do encourage you to tweak it in whichever ways to make it more fitting to the two of you and the situation you're finding yourself in.
So, first of all, before you do anything else, sit down with yourself for a few minutes and figure out what exactly you want from this relationship. A friendship, a platonic partnership, a queerplatonic relationship or maybe you would feel comfortable with a relationship in which they love you romantically while you love them platonically (which is still very much possible, though might be challenging to navigate). Be sure you know what you want and where your boundaries are. If it helps, jot your thoughts down on a piece of paper.
Then, just talk with them. And if it's possible for you, meet in person and don't do it over the phone. I "broke up" with my dance partner via text which was in retrospect the worst thing I could've done, don't make the same mistake that I did, that was shitty of me! It might seem easier, but does more harm in the end! (Of course, this will be hard if it's an internet friendship) Just be open, clear and honest and don't expect them to know what they want immediately (you've had time to prepare yourself for this conversation while they most likely haven't). Give them some time to figure out what they themselves want and then maybe sit down another day and talk about it again, if that's possible. Just make sure both of you are aware of how the other is feeling and what they're comfortable and uncomfortable with. I know that this sounds scary and you will be making yourself vulnerable by discussing such topics, but it's far better than just doing whatever you think would work while not consulting them. That will just hurt people in the long run.
And make sure to treat yourself after you've had this conversation. It's a very difficult thing to do and requires so much bravery and trust, so you've definitely earned that ice cream or long walk with your dogs or listening to music on the roof or baking your favourite cake or going for a drink with your friends (whatever it is that will make you calm down again) (though I would not encourage drinking if the conversation didn't go the way you'd like, my chemistry teacher once gave me a piece of wisdom I will cherish forever. Alcohol only enhances the feelings you're feeling. If you're happy because you're out with your friends and it's fun, a sensible amount of alcohol will enhance that happiness. If you're sad because you feel guilty, drinking will make it worse. So don't drink if you're sad, kiddo!)
And if you do end up in a relationship of any kind DON'T STOP COMMUNICATING! COMMUNICATION IS THE FOUNDATION OF EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, WHETHER IT BE PLATONIC, ROMANTIC OR QUEERPLATONIC!!! This was also something I had to learn when it comes to my current queerplatonic partner (though I will not dive into that if you don't want to know it, my comment is long enough as it is, whoopsie)
I hope this kinda helps? The key here is just: Be aware of what you want and communicate your feelings and boundaries with them and also respect theirs, but never let them talk you out of your boundaries (if you're not okay with kissing, holding hands, physical touch in general, for example). Be true to yourself while also respecting their feelings. If you're still in school, talk with your school counsellour and if you feel comfortable, bring your friend as well (and yes, this will feel a little weird, especially in the beginning. My school counsellour was my psychology teacher I've had for only a few months before and it was weird talking to him about those personal issues, but he did end up giving some good advice) Also, don't get in a relationship with them just because they are in a bad place and you'd feel guilty if you'd reject them. Trust me, they will be more hurt when they find out that you've pretended to be in love with them because you felt bad for them, and they are going to find out if you do so. It's better for everyone involved if you're honest from the beginning.
And before you leave, just let me tell you, that I now am officially your older aro sister, no matter how old you are, and you can always ask me if you need anything regarding your aro-ness. If you feel uncomfortable discussing it in this comment section because it's too personal, I can drop my discord handle where you can always reach me if you need anything.
I'm crossing my fingers for you! I love you and I'm proud of you! Just remember to drink enough water, take your meds if you have to do so and be kind to yourself. Happy Pride Month!
@@forevertiredkrystal4705 Oh, and I would like to add something:
If you try your best to be respectful and honest and still end up hurting them, you are not the villian. You are not evil. You are a person, just as much as they are and you are in a difficult situation. Don't blame yourself if they are hurt because you couldn't return their romantic attraction. Try to be as open and respectful as possible but your feelings are just as valid as theirs are
@@dandelionhood4508 oh my gosh. thank you sososso much!! I still don't believe I've figured myself COMPLETELY out, but im definitely going to use this advice. I've really been telling myself not to communicate my thoughts and feelings over text and this really just solidified that for me. im not the best at talking about this stuff, so I am sososo thankful that you gave me many more reasons to work on my communication skills in relationships. your comment has really opened my eyes with what I actually wanted in a relationship and what boundaries I have been ignoring lately! not to mention the fact that this is the most kind, informative and lovely comment I've ever received!
I plan on telling this person how I feel soon, I just wanted to take some time like you've said to figure out how to let them know!
but again, thank you SO much for your insight and giving such a warm welcome. id be honoured to have you as an older aro sister 😭
When people around me started dating eachother I was sooo confused.. I always thought how weird everyone was for wanting one. 😅 only later I found out that I was the odd one out lol
I did not realise I was aro until a couple of months ago and I am almost 34 now. Ever since I started this deeper self discovery journey everything makes so much more sense and I am truly thankful for this part of our modern digital age; the free access to this kind of info that make that broken lightbulb over you head suddenly work and shine bright 😊 Now I know there is nothing wrong with me, I am not a broken ultimate prize for someone to fix and win, I do not have to comply or conform to social convention and live in a lie anymore just because it is expected of me! I am finally free
My sign was thinking I was asexual and alloromantic.
Basically I thought it was common for asexual people to have less crushes than other people (probably read that somewhere on Reddit). I related to that a bunch (cause I had had one crush in my 18 almost 19 years of life) and was relieved I wasn’t aromantic. Turns out those people are most likely on the aromantic spectrum. Soooo now I identify as grey(hetero)romantic and asexual and I’m desperately waiting for my next crush 🫠
Also: The way you behave with each other in the video? For me that is totally romantic! I mean it's sweet and clear that you like each other. You touch. I always considered that to be exactly what romance means - and have no idea why some relationships were called friendships and others "relationships" except by trying to look through societal concepts like living together, kissing, doing nice things for each other ( I literally asked my partner after several month of being friends if we should call our relationship a "relationship" as people were getting annoying about wanting to know and I had no idea how to know if we're a "relationship" or just close friends - funny thing: my partner had no idea either. In the end we chose to just roll with it, so now we've been a "couple" for years. Which does confuse people if I say that for me we are a mixture of friends/siblings/best flatmates/lovers in an everchanging something?). Best thing: Our friend circle at that point was so cuddly that inside it no one ever asked us about relationship-status-shit as our behaviour with each other didn't stand out at all :D I liked that best as I felt like I could just do what I wanted without having to conform to expectiations.
This is a very unique space for me being aro allosex. I used to try talking more about it through life, dealing with a lot invalidation, and now I'm in a romantic relationship, so I just got in the closet about it. But I've recorded a few snippets for showing to people I trust. Thanks for that, it's valuable for us.
I don't mean to offend with this, but I honestly thought I was autistic or something before finding the aro label. While I was fine being sociable (especially after getting over my social anxiety), I was a very comfy and quiet introvert too, so that introversion and my aromanticism combined into a feeling of not really getting people fully. I knew it didn't really quite fit since I was definitely not struggling in a lot of ways my friends who had it did interacting with others, and since it was such a subtle unease I had never fully entertained the idea beyond a slim chance of an explanation to that desync. Honestly I'm only now (as I am writing this) realizing that this was probably the reason I felt detached, and autism was the closest thing I had in my mind that could maybe be an explanation if I squinted hard enough.
This channel makes the internet a better place to be in. Always a pleasure!
The stark breakup usually involves a breach of trust
I don't know if I'm aromantic. When I have romantic feelings I express them in an over the top overwhelming way. But if others express romance to me I often don't see it as clearly. This can lead to them feeling ignored and rejected and me being confused at why they're pulling away. Been doing a lot of reflecting on this recently.
I didn't really relate to most of the points. Maybe I'm not aromantic. I don't know.
I never actually related to the romantic aspects of romance stories but I was maybe exited to keep going because I saw how important the love was to those characters and I was fascinated and kinda happy for them. But deep down I still always knew that I wouldn't crave that feeling for myself to be fulfilled.
And it was the sexual parts that actually turned me on better, so my sexuality is definitely healthy.
Every time a friend or someone told me about their crush, I couldn't even relate to that feeling. I almost thought they are overreacting.
I've been close with other girls but not the way one would think.
It all has started to make sense.
I mean I've gotten an idea of what romance is like through movies, series, people and media. And in fact I adore the idea, just not when it comes to me.
I've had a really mixed experience with romanticism over the course of my life. I've been in a lot of relationships and experienced different feelings with each one, but after doing some recent reflecting, I've realized that I just dislike romance. When I'm around couples, I get extremely uncomfortable. Even when I was in relationships, I always thought that the standard "coupley" activities most people did, like cuddling or using petnames, were all super performative and uncomfortable. I'm finally starting to question if I'm somewhere on the aro spectrum, though I've never really heard anyone describe the same experiences I have. I don't mind the idea of being in a relationship, but the romance itself just feels like something I wouldn't ideally want to partake in. I'm glad there's so much information and people talking about their experiences online now. I can't imagine trying to figure this out without the guidance of the internet lol.
I remember making up that I had a crush, based on "this person is my friend (or friendly) and they are aesthetically attractive". For the longest time (we didn't have internet at the time), I thought that a crush was "this person would make a good friend and they are aesthetically attractive".
Over the past few years, I've come to realize that what I thought was romantic and sexual attraction is really just a strong platonic attraction, as I've never been interested in the sexual (or really any physical aspect) of a relationship or had much inclination towards anything that society considers romantic.
The biggest indicator for me has been the "romantic" relationship I'm in really hasn't changed between the "we're just really good friends" to "we're romantically significant others" to "we're planning on eventually getting married", other than how other people perceive it and treat us as a result.
The irony of getting an ad for a new romance movie after this video 😆 A sign that I now realize put me on the aromantic spectrum was the irritation I felt at the sight of people getting married. Like, the whole thing just seemed so ridiculous. But I now understand why it's such a huge deal because of the financial benefits and all the other stuff, and I can feel happy for people who choose to marry. Another sign was my hatred of romcom movies.
Truth or dare was the worst, I never knew what to say and everyone always said I was lying or hiding someone, or eventually just assumed I was gay and hiding it.
I'm trying to figure it out as I realized I related to a good amount of aro identity, such as going on dates I didn't consider dates, but just hanging out with a friend, not being sure what romantic attraction is, finding all things related to romance shallow, never imagining the ideal date or the ideal partner, the fact I had only 2 crushes in my almost 20 years of life... But still there's the fact I had a huge crush on a guy for a long time, but still I never felt like I was in love, never felt butterflies and even having a normal heartbeat while he put his arm around my shoulder once at the movie theater... Plus the fact it all started with me CHOOSING to pursue him, as I hadn't love experiences yet, and he was the most decent out of my acquaintances... And let's not forget when my friend told me said crush wanted to date her: I was HAPPY, because I felt relieved, while my friend was super scared cause she expect me to be super mad, which I don't understand cause how can I be mad to her?? She didn't make the guy like her on purpose, the guy has all right to like someone who is not me.... Anyway, I digressed. What do you think? Am I on the aro spectrum? Please let me know cause I'm very confused
i can’t say anything to reply to this really cus i’m also just now questioning if i am also aro😂😂😭 i was like i know ik asexual after questioning for like 6 years… and i’m like i still like people aesthetically AND romantically right???but then i was like wait a min 💀 i am going on my 22 year and i’ve never been in a relationship and i also only really had like 2 crushes if i could even call them that i just picked random people others liked… to sorta of “fit in” . sometimes i really wanna be in a relationship but i’m also way too scared to even try, people where i am at don’t really know about asexuality so🤧😂 all i can maybe say is …..i think that you shouldn’t really push it on yourself honestly if you really do end up being aro i think you will know eventually i say just don’t give it too much thought until something happens and then you can start thinking .. but if you are questioning you most likely could be on the spectrum somewhere 🤧 anyways goodluck on your journey too 😂❤️
Yeah, I think that you are somewhere on the aroace spectrum. You can for now use terms like "questioning aroace" or as I said "on the aroace spectrum" to describe yourself if you aren't sure what fits you/don't want a specific label. Have a nice day!
I'm asexual and have known this since I was about 10yo or so, but I could never truly figure out where my romantic attraction landed. This video and each comment here have been a great help and I finally realized I'm not Aromantic, idk what am I exactly lol but I'm sure it's not Aro.
I think it's hard for us to compare experiences since we're all so different and could also grow and change as we age, but everyone's comments sharing their experiences have been so helpful I thought I could give you my two cents from someone who couldn't figure out if they were Aro as well.
Honestly speaking what caught my attention in your comment was how you felt about your crush, I imagined being in your situation, in a movie theater and someone I kinda liked acted friendly and close to me that way - I would've reacted very happy, I would get excited the butterflies and all that sweet stereotypical shit lmao. I think everyone loves differently, I know how frustrating it is to not get objective answers but feelings are hard to explain.
Nevertheless regardless of what people think you are or see you as, you should always remember your feelings are valid and only you can define yourself! ♡
I couldn't differentiate between a friend and a partner because for me it's almost the same.
This weekend I had a friend ship me with her brother because we were talking about things that we liked so I just said NO NEVER SHIP ME WITH ANYONE and then my group of friends excepted the fact that was aromantic with knowing the term
THIS IS SO TRUE I NEVER UNDERSTOOD ROMANCE DEFINITION AND NOTHING IS EXPLAINING IT
Thank you for providing a safe space to learn. I think someone close to me may be aromantic, but doesn't seem to realize yet. Great video, y'all!
🙏❤🏳🌈🏳⚧
Thank you for making videos like this! I needed this because I am aro-curious. I often have difficulty trying to understand how people in (non-spicy) novels and movies fall in love so fast because it always seems like the equivalent of a healthy platonic friendship. I've never fallen in love, but I have had good friends before. I don't see marriage in my future and I actually love that idea. All I've ever wanted are good friends because I can feel the love from that and it fulfills me (plus they give me the space I need when I go home 😂) and a dog tbh.
9:05 I thought I was bi for a while, I thought it was romantic/sexual attraction towards people, but it was really just me thinking “oh that person looks cool I wanna be their friend”
I know that everyone experiencies are different, but while seeing this video I could stop thinking "Oh, well... that explains a lot" .
But really, even if I knew the term and consider that I might be aromantic it truly helps me hearing your thoughts and personal experiencies, because like you said, the technical stuff might not be the rule, is more the vibe ✨️
Btw english is not my first lenguage, so sorry for any grammar mistake or not choosing the right words
I really resonate with the concept of a 'milder identity' as u put it. For years I identified as straight because I never had a moment of romantic/sexual attraction that lead me to think otherwise and when I started to question my perception of sexual/romatic attraction or the lack thereof I switched to 'queer' (altho I did't really tell people because I was ashamed to use such a broad term as my specific identity and felt like I was not 'queer' enough to be able to use it aka I felt like a hypocrite) because I just had this vibe of I'm definitely not straight but have no clue what else this could be. I now identify as aroace (maybe bi-angled) and I'm so happy I found the terms I feel represent me the best!
Yeah, this is my second comment but I wanted to talk about one sing
Well you've already talk about this, but the thing that made me think about being aromantic is that I've always been looking for someone to be really close with in a non-romantic way, but even now I could find it because everyone prioritize or focus in romantic relationships. Sometimes I might think that I was being selfish or I was actually in love with someone (you know, amatonormativity). But I couldn't ignore the fact that I was sad about thinking that the only way was to be in love with someone to be really really really close, and at the same time it doesn't make sense to me. Why does romantic love has to be my goal? I don't feel it like that, so yeah I was (and still am) very happy when I find someone that is not thinking about romantic relationships, until they do of course. But anyways, I'm glad I never discard the idea of being aro, and being open to change that without pressure, thank you for making this channel and video 🫶
I recently realized I’m aromantic because I just figured out my “crushes” weren’t really crushes. I tend to develop “crushes” on close girl friends of mine but I never wanted to date them. I didn’t understand that there was supposed to be romantic attraction behind crushes. 🤦🏾♀️
16:25
Damn, you got me.
Almost... all of the questions match with me and wow, haha.
Now, the real question.
What now?
Okay, my experiences... Or just things I think I understand about myself and some others I still have to figure out.
I've been through almost all these situations. I've always felt uncomfortable when someone asks me anything around the topic, or when I'm being shipped with a friend, or to avoid Truth or Dare, because I know no one would believe I didn't have a crush "yet". But there is something that simply does not match with all this...
I'd like to be in a relationship. This is embarrassing hahaha. But I love watching romantic stories, from books, animated tv series and movies, and I shipp characters SO HARD, and I'm always looking forward to see them finally getting engaged on a relationship, and more of their cute moments together. It all makes my heart go warm, and makes me want to have it with someone... At the same time I don't even understand the concept of crushing or romantic attraction at all. I don't think I have ever felt this for anyone.
Have anybody feel the same?
Omggg yessss. I Love couple storys and i would Like to be Loved Like that too. But at the Same time i can‘t feel the kind of Love for anybody and i don‘t get it
honestly I still struggle with the loneliness that comes with a lack of romantic attraction, I think it's a big part of life but I'm focusing on the fact that I can love platonically and that what matters in the end.
Maybe you could look up Cupioromantic, that sounds like it could fit you :)
I figured after WAY too long already that I was ace, and figured rather than taking the NEXT two decades I might as well try and figure out what if any romantic attraction I might have.
That's why I'm here. Help!
I don't know if I'm aromantic or not, but me thinking I like my friend romantically for 6 MONTHS just because we were pretty close was a hell of expirience😭😭😭
The way you guys talk about and look at romance is what made me realize we're in the same boat. I've been so frustrated trying to understand what romance even is
I am 34 and just now exploring this, after two decades of being concerned something was wrong with me. Thank you for this helpful and sweet video.
Sometimes i question my aromanticism because what even is romantic attraction.I’m never sure if i feel aethstetic attraction to someone or if i’m just faking it and i actually love them.I’m 99% sure i’m aromantic but sometimes i still question it.
Feel it so much
Omg I just found your channel and you two are such QPR goals!! I’ve been having a lot of aro angst this last year because the idea of finding a qpr partner just seems so unlikely so I’m glad that I get to see you two 🥹
One big sign for me as someone who writes a lot of fantasy/fiction in my free time is that I unintentionally write a lot of my characters to be on the aro-ace spec. Like, I would start out writing them thinking that I had made the character allosexual/alloromantic, only to realize later that I had accidentally written them to be aro and/or ace. I just find writing my characters and their relationships that way to be a lot more natural, and I honestly can't figure out how to intentionally write them to be allo without constantly cringing at how strange and nonsensical I find allo people (especially straight allo's) to be.😅
I kinda did sm similar, in fiction I tend to appreciate and look for content of platonic relationships more (no romance at all), or aromantic relationships (besties but married and they love each other)
"Oh yeah, I'm bi because my attraction to everyone is the same" because the attraction is none.
That really resonated with me lol
i wish i could talk to you two in person as an aroace person myself i wish i could meet with you guys and just talk :))
One big sign for me was loving romcoms, romance books, romance tv shows, romance mangas, romance animes, fanfics, yadayada, but imagining yourslef doing any of this with a real person sounds completely different. like loving the idea of romance and intimacy and having crushes on people, but not really getting it yourself, yk? not sure i explained this the right way lol
Been wading through this for decades, longer than a number of people here have probably been alive, and many of these things are true even back in the day where asexuality wasn't even known (aromatic is comparatively new). Just wanted to say that it's okay to continually be sorting through it all as you go - I think it's all very nuanced and okay to newly understand aspects of yourself as you go.
I'm still a teenager, but I'm pretty sure I'm aroace. Though I like the idea of romance in theory and love it to watch romance shows I can't imagine having a relationship for myself. I also noticed a few things over the years for my friends.
When my friends started to talk about their idea type and their future (getting married etc) , I always felt uncomfortable and didn't knew what do say
When I see someone, I consider pretty I often think something like "I would like to be friend with them" and I don't really have the crush feeling, my friends would describe (I never had a crush btw)
The though of having a relationship generally makes me feel weird and anxious
guys hair is GORGEOUS LOL
Ive been doing a lot of thinking about what i might be, and theres one thing that is happening in my life that truly makes me feel that i might be aro. I currently have a "crush" on a certain boy and i have for a little while, but when i look back at how it all started, it doesnt seem as if its really how crushes are meant to happen. I remember my mother having seen him working at a grocery store and having said," that is the kind of guy you should be going after, hes cute and he works hard." And my brain kinda just went, "ok, then i will," and from then on i kinda just developed a "artificial crush" on this boy. And to be frank, that's kind of how all my "crushes" have festered. Theres constantly times when i become afraid that i might become alone in the future, and in my own way of trying to avoid that, i try to find people who, if i absolutely had to, I could date and not totallly be uncomfortable, or uninterested. And when i think about it, i dont think thats how crushes are supposed to happen. Other people create a romantic relationship with others out of a deep desire, im doing it cause i feel like i may have to, when in reality, i dont really feal anything romantic towards them.
This video really helped me
I love the idea of romance for myself but it does not come naturally. I have never truly had a crush on someone. When I look back I can clearly see that my “crushes” were the result of audhd hyper focus on new people. My friends would ship characters and say they found someone attractive and I just pretended because I thought we were all pretending. 😅 My partner is the only person I want to be romantic with. I express this through gifts more than physical affection. He understands me so much 😊
thank you for this video, you guys seem like really nice people :)
Recently ive been in another classic queer identity spiral considering whether I'm aro. It's gotten to the point of googling this video because of how annoyed ive been with seeing so much romance in media. I just don't see the obsession with it everywhere, and it feels like people are exaggerating or talking about things I'm too young to understand. Like when people rant about yearning for someone, experiencing heartbreak over a relationship, or how tough the dating scene is, i just get an overwhleming feeling of "I dont feel that way!! at all!! am I weird or just inexperienced??". Like i've never felt this hole inside that needed to be filled with a relationship (i used to, in middle school, but turns out I was just seeking male attention because of self esteem issues and now that that's gone, I havent wanted to be in a relationship in years!!). The most confusing part is I know im allosexual and bisexual. I thought I had crushes but when crushes turned to relationships it got boring and I didnt reciprocate romantic feelings. The parts I felt passion for were the flirting and making out and getting yknow sexual, because i did find them physically attractive. and i liked hanging out with them. but when it got to dates, or calling them my boyfriend or girlfriend, it felt so performative. i felt like a complete robot. after breakups, i rarely cried, and when I did it was just about what it meant for my ego to be broken up with, like how i wasnt as special to that person. it wasnt about not having them around anymore. ugh but i dont know! part of me is terrified of dying alone and all my friends prioritising romantic relationships and i cant have my dream platonic friend that lives with me and our dogs because that feels like too much to wish for!!!!
i feel like a soulless sex craving unable-to-be-happy robot without feelings :((
but this video helps. seeing you guys happy makes the good ending a little more believable. and the community here is nice.
this feels so new and unstable. this self realisation. i dont know if ill change my mind or how to feel about this potential identity.
I realized how aro ace I am after I realized 😂 that I feel more passion, excitement, emotion by doing microscopy than spending time with my boyfriend. He is a great person but nobody ever can make me feel nowhere near "in the right place". Only non-human stuff
I've never liked or had romantic feelings for anyone. When I share that with the people around me, they still say I'm picky or that I'm like this or that. I come from a Southeast Asian country so people really don't seem to know anything about aro, sometimes I pretend to like someone to show that I'm not different, which is a bit annoying.. .. I still hope I can live true to my emotions even in an environment like this, haha🙃🙃😃
I never exactly liked anyone romantically, but I found people attractive or cool so I just said I liked them, but i almost never imaged kissing cuddling or holding hands and I never was attracted to the idea of that. I could really like someone as a person but I never was comfortable with romantic things others had to offer
Hi! I only started watching your videos lately and I wanted to say thank you so much for making them:) They’re very informative and help me personally too a lot, I can’t even begin to describe how reassuring it feels to see others say things out loud I’ve also been feeling and express that it’s Okay to feel those things. You guys are such lovely people with a warm presence that it’s so nice to watch your videos and hear you talk about your experiences. Have a nice day
THE PERSON ON THE LEFT IS PRETTY!
My understanding of what romance is is based on a superficial understanding of romantacism as a philosophy. The idea of a soulmate. Someone you want to know, and to be with forever. Passion for someone else. Destiny. I've never seen it as specifically sexual or necessarily extravagant with profession. But idk.
I think my biggest sign was when my friends in high school got me to date this one girl and we dated for a month and I never really interacted with her and she soon said we should break up, which we did. My second sign was when I asked this girl to go on a date, she declined, then when I asked if she wanted to see a movie, she said yes then after we saw the movie she established that it was a date and that I messed it up by not making a move and I was very confused that it was a date. Lastly my 3rd reason was whenever I hear anyone talk about a relationship or breaking up or having sex my mind just goes blank almost. I desire romance but I don't think I feel it like how others feel it
I absolutely love this channel, thank you for making us all feel safe here ❤
lol the 1st one is sooooo acurate! I was forced to pick an oposite sex classmate during a truth or dare in high school, i told them i wasn't interested in anyone, but they just forced me to pick.
As an arospec/aro questioning asexual individual myself. I don’t really get it when people immediately kiss or more after a first meeting or date. I’m always like: “You barely know this person… what-?”
I also don’t really understand the amount of dishonesty allo couples sometimes have. Like, you trust and love this person, why are you not telling them what’s on your mind? (This can be anything by the way. Something as small as asking them to clean up after themselves or actually liking someone else)
i love your strawberry shirt!
Thanks!
Oh wow. I think I got all but maybe 2 on this list, and definitely that last one.
God i'm just accepting I'm aromantic, it's been six months and I can't believe I didn't realize sooner! I'm 24! Never had a crush, if I was interested in someone that feeling would fade in two days, never understood the difference between platonic and romantic, the thought of a friend confessing their feelings to me made me angry and when a stranger flirted with me I never believed them bc I was like "you don't know me! tf" and if I imagined myself in a romantic relationship it would actually make me sick! I'm happy to have an answer tho, it's feels right, reading/hearing everyone's experiences help a lot ❤
I don't know if this certainly counts as a sign, but in elementary school, I used to resent a boy for kissing a girl in my class, not because I was jealous but because I was genuinely repulsed by that kind of physical contact. Now I feel stupid and mean for resenting him for something I didn't understand. I would be repulsed by anything romantic or sexual. My cousin and I had watched a kissing scene in a movie once and I openly expressed how repulsed I was and my cousin was like, "Why are you disgusted by this stuff? It's just a kissing scene." I would be like, "I dunno, I just don't like that kind of stuff."
I've never been sure if I'm aro, but my big sign is getting into relationships and wanting an out super quickly. Like nothing wrong or bad happens, but the status of the relationship changes your "crush" to someone you don't want to see (romantically).
The whole "if I don't like anyone,,, then I like everyone equally" idea is so me lmao, still trying to figure out if I'm bi aro or aro ace tho lol
I like this channel it means alot to me as I am ace, btw I'm biromantic 💜🖤
I also never got how people broke up. Idk if you guys meant it this way, but people are in love one day and the next say "I never want to see them again" when nothing big happened ?
I also don't know get the big stigma of staying friends with your ex. Like, if they aren't a bad person, what's the problem ?
Biggest sign i see in myself is that i thought everyone was romance bi but had sexual preferences, which i now realize is probably wrong.
I’ve dated three people and I’m in high school, I’ve been on one date and none of these relationships I’ve felt romantic attraction. I feel sexual attraction but I don’t have crushes or feel romantic towards anyone and sometimes I get jealous cause I see people dating and in love but I can’t feel romantic attraction. for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me
I love both of your hair! 😄
woah some of these signs made me go "OMG SO THATS WHY I THINK THIS" or "NO WONDER". I definatly think I identify more as Aegoromantic but this has been so helpful. I think I finally realise why i'm 19 and still single.
I am aro and I am ace and asian I AM AN ARO-ASIAN
OMG I definately hate truth or dare! Mostly because they'd ask me awkward questions I didn't know how to answer or dare me to do stuff I really didn't want to do!
I've never been on a date...
I'm polyqueerplatonic and want at LEAST one (but open to more) close friends I do everything with
Breakups don't make sense to me either. I had multiple relationships because I thought it was normal and expected and I really liked their company. But after we broke up, they just left me and wouldn't even stay friends. And I'm just like, why? It hurt more that they didn't want nothing to do with me than the actual breakup.
I was the odd one out as the only one not seeking a sexual relationship. But I did seek romantic relationships (Cupioromantic)
I'm not entirely sure if I'm aromantic or not but cupioromantic for the moment fits while I figue it out
I totally relate to the truth or dare part. I'm pretty sure that I'm aroace, still figuring it out though but I've always avoiding joining a game of truth or dare or similar games as I was terrified of what questions or dares I might get. They almost always are about romance in some way
thanks for sharing , its helpful to hear otheres experiences 💚💚
for me ive enjoyed being in sort of relationships with friends who were in open relationships so there was no expectations of things going further or being depended on as a partner, but when i became someones partner it gave me a anxiety and i couldnt place why. i think i want affectionate friends rather than a romantic partnership its been confusing
I have a non romantic friend that I basically share everything with, and we're the ultimate homies.
I found out i was aroace recently
As a kid, i was like "I dont know... i dont feel anything for boys.... maybe girls?" and some time i even tought i was pan or bi, yet, when people asked me for crushes, i was like "Uhhh i dont know...?"
When i was a kid, a group of other kids asked me: "Who is your crush?" and i replied with a "I dont have one?" ( i was like 8 ), and the girls asked again saying "Cmon, you have to like seomone, everyone has a crush!", and i was like "Uh i dont know..?" and they asked again and saying "Just say the boy you like the most", and i answered saying the name of a boy that i found funny but, i never really felt romantic attraction, plus i never really tought about that boy or anyone at all..? i was happy just having friends and stuff
I started growing older and older, and i tought i had a crush, i wanted to be around a girl and hang out with her alot and maybe hug sometimes? but, when i stopped to reflect, would i want to kiss her? would i really want to be romantic with her? when i tought about those questions, the answer was no. and it wasnt a crush, and i stopped to reflect all the crushes that i tought i had, yet none of them were really crushes, i didnt know the term, and i used to think like "What is wrong with me? why dont i feel attracted to anyone..."
When i turned 14, i vented to a friend of mine telling that to them and they told me about the term aroace, and i related to it, thats how i found out i was aroace, and that was me!
The last few months, I've been coming to the realization that a lot of my feelings were just kind of... Misidentified? It's weird because I genuinely believed I had a crush on those people, but looking back, I think I just took the path of least resistance while wanting to be close to someone. Anxiety and loneliness have both fogged my judgement of self for so long, that it's kind of hard and scary to determine what my real identity might be.
Me too, only I created a musical inside my mind and I would then sing to the person I supposedly loved and try to get them to sing songs with me and dance with me and would get really confused and upset when they wanted sex with me and was extremely hurt when they decided to rape me because I refused sex. I think I'm just an aromantic asexual who likes to make up fictional love stories based on real people and on me and sing and dance with people as a way to create a musical theater story. I did it from anxiety and loneliness too. My end goal was to perform my stories on stage and go on tour with the stories, dances, and singing duets we had created, or to compete and win dance competitions. Their goal was sex. I couldn't understand why.
my most aro experience was when my friend (who i knew could cook well and enjoyed it, who i was texting a lot with as well) told me "you should find yourself a bf who can cook" in response to me telling him i can't cook at all. and what i said was "well, it's easier to learn to do it myself". i only realized this weeks after it happened, i still can't believe i did this, unintentionally. i just did not get the point, the thought that he could have meant something romantic simply did not occur to me. still not sure where in the arospec am i but this sort of thing does happen a lot
Truth or dare
Tell me, what is your celebrity crush?
It's funny cause it has become an insider in pretty much every friend group I entered...
I always felt that, I liked the person best as a friend and not romantically I can't connect with others romantically I just feel normal love but never infatuation
I'm aro but not ace. I don't develop pair bonds. I have close friends, but it's different than romantic couples have. I do respect that others have that kind of bond and how important it can be, but I don't feel it internally. As a result, I stay away from situations that could be romantic.
I'm 21, home schooled, and autistic (and annoyed that comments don't support markdown)
1. I've never played truth or dare (and am not sure what it is)
2. I've never been on a romantic date (with or without realizing it)
3. _intentionally left blank_
4. can't say I've thought about it much (also haven't seen many (any?) break-ups)
5. I've never really had a friend group or at least not one around my age
6. _intentionally left blank_
7. I don't think I've ever been asked if I'm straight (or about my identity in that sense at all)
8. I don't think I've tried to define it, and now _insert a bunch of spinning question marks I guess_
9. I've never been in a situation like that
10. or a situation like that afaik
11. I'm still trying to work out if I'm ace and/or aro, and more though about not trying to answer the aro part yet when I started doing ace research
12. _an interesting one_ maybe I am (I only recently found the term amatonormativity)
13. I am watching/have watched the video. did I find it helpful? maybe (also watched several other related videos)
when I got to point 2 or 3 I expected to conclude with something like "I haven't had enough of these experiences, or been in enough of these situations, so how am I supposed to know"
having watched the whole video that is not the right conclusion
I'm still not sure if I'm aro or not though
do comments support markdown?
the italics seem to be rendering correctly for me
I'm confused