It's funny how the cake/food analogy can be used to explain to aces what sexual attraction means at the same time explaining what asexual means to allos.
What's funny is that when I told Allos that basically the closest to that is food for me, they're like oh it can't be that strong and I was like if you have your favorite food in front of you I bet it's similar
The day I found out I was ace was when my sister told me she wants to have sex with people she finds attractive. And I was like : wait you look at someone and imagine them like that immediately?! And since that day I hate the thought of people thinking that way about me like it feels so disrespectful and gross to me lmao
I’ve always felt the same way 💖 I know that sexual people don’t always mean or view it as being disrespectful though, or even willful on their part (that they have those thoughts). But yeah, I’ve always been afraid of people looking at me that way too; I don’t want to be a sexual fantasy, or to be pursued in that way. I didn’t fully realize or accept I was asexual for a long time though because it’s layered for me, with PTSD from childhood sexual trauma, and I assumed I was this way JUST because of that. So I’ve got baseline no sexual attraction and then the sexual trauma on top of that. But when I learned as a child that people look at bodies sexually, I started hiding mine, and trying not to draw attention to it. I didn’t want to wear leggings or participate in ballet, so I dropped out. I was told what sex was in juvenile terms by a neighborhood friend - around this same age, six or seven or so - and it badly freaked me out, so I got upset and ran away from them.
@@fujoshiotaku5832 i couldn’t have worded the feeling better than how you did! I can’t stand the thought of people thinking about me like that. It truly does feel disrespectful and devaluing that person.
Man it’s hard figuring this stuff out when you’re from a culture where people literally never talk about this stuff, and are in an all girls school where everyone is way more focused on school than relationships lmao. It’s like “do I have a crush on this person? Is this what attraction feels like? It doesn’t feel like how people describe it. Maybe I actually am sexually attracted to them but convinced myself that I don’t because I want to be qUirKy and ace.” I’d love to ask my friend who knows their bi, but it’s just odd to ask anyone this kind of question. Maybe it’s just me and my cluelessness around relationships be it platonic or romantic.
This is really interesting, I’ve had many similar questions as a romantic ace. would you be open to asking the same questions casting a wider net, beyond your friends? I’d especially like to hear more from hetero allos. And yes, I would like a video about virginity.
Absolutely! Thanks for expressing your interest! Hopefully our subscriber count will climb enough for us to unlock community posting privileges soon, and we can make surveys right here.
I had a BF who told me "to be with me I expect sex once or twice every day" I'm grayasexual and couldn't get into it (mentally) most of the time when he wanted All my attractions are aesthetic and emotional. I can't tell platonic from romantic. And I only feel sexual attraction in certain conditions like a strong bond I was in a chat room once and everyone was talking about losing virginity and one guy said he was 24 and still a virgin, waiting for the right person, and he got mocked and pressured that he 'needed to get laid' and another dude bragged he lost his virginity at 13 to an 11-year-old girl. Everyone was praising him and I didn't understand why losing your virginity as fast as possible is good and why being a virgin is bad I also use sexual stimulation (preferably masturbation) to aid in anxiety, stress relief, and sleep Also, I had a couple crushes from 4th grade to 6th (my girl bestie, and 2 boys in my classes) But it didn't feel sexual. Like with my bestie, we were playing together and I was RPing as the male character and her the female and she did something that turned me on. Mentally I was confused/startled but physically I got a weird sensation running through my body like when you get a sudden chill, and my genital area was tingly I guess? But with the boys, both times I thought they were cute and wanted to be around them. Thinking back on my childhood, I was always aroace spec but just didn't have a word for it. My family thinks I'm aroace because my ex irl abused me and therapy will fix me. Yes, I'm traumatized (and now borderline sex repulsed because of him, and before him, I wasn't) but I never really was allo. I also never felt pressure to act/look a certain way. I didn't care if people found me attractive or not. People making rude or mean comments at me made me cry as a kid but didn't phase me as a teen. A boy asked me to a school dance, and I said no. I had my first boyfriend at age 9-10 and that was only because he kept following me saying "I love you" and wouldn't quit no matter how much I rejected him so I gave in just to shut him up. We were a couple for a few years and he'd try to get sexual with me (at age 10-13) and I'd reject every time and just wasn't interested. In fact, I was never interested (despite making my dolls have sex at ages 6-9) until after I got sexually molested at 16-18 ish. I lost my virginity when I was raped at 21-23 ish I never had any thoughts about losing it prior I also experimented sexually with my bestie as kids (I'm agender afab she's cis afab) and my mom thought we were just napping together because why would 2 females be sexual with each other XD
I've never in my life thought about sex just randomly. Only when someone mentions it to me, then I'm thinking about what they just said (obviously) and answer them if it was a question. But if the topic doesn't come up, I'd say zero. Never. Thought that was normal until I realized I am probably ace xD
Just sitting here listening to the answers describing sexual attraction and I'm like "these people are speaking a language I don't understand." Really interesting video, though!
As someone who's still figuring out her identity at 36 after growing up sheltered and not even knowing that things like being trans or ace EXISTED, it makes me really happy to see y'all out here being yourselves and helping so many people learn more about asexuality. So proud of you all and I wish you the best 💖
I didn't figure myself out until I was 38-40. I'm now 40 and realized I'm agender, pan, angled aroace (Grayasexual and cupioromantic), polyamorous, and I'm in a couple queerplatonic partnerships.
I had a bit of a laugh with question five when you went "if you haven't felt s3xu4l attraction at fifteen, you may want to considered the possibility that you might be asexual", beacuse I realized I had never felt or understood s3xu4l attraction and was in all likelihood Ace at the ripe old age of (wait for it) twenty four! Thinking back, I certainly wish I had realized as a teen, my understanding of myself and my relationships would have been soo much better and easier🙃 but anyway, thank you for informing us, the uninformed new aces, I love your channel and I have been binge watching your videos (albeit listening to them as podcasts) for the past week. You people have helped me understand my Ace identity a lot better ❤
okay so as an aro/ace spec perso i definitely learnt a lot of things haha. i genuinely didn't think that "average" people were feeling sexual attraction and pressure as kids, this sounds pretty terrifying to me honestly :0 great video as always !
Is there an aromantic version of this video? I know I'm asexual but I've been questioning if I could be aromantic. Great vid by the way! Very interesting!
Thank you so much for this video! I've been looking for a description of sexual attraction and no one will give me a straight answer. (This may be because all my friends are gay.) This was really helpful to me. Question 5 helped me realize that I feel that I am old enough to know whether I'm ace or not. I now feel comfortable labelling myself as asexual. Your channel has helped me so much on my journey. Thank you! :)
I'm so happy to hear that you feel comfy calling yourself ace, and we are honoured to have helped you along that process!! Thank you for being amazing! - Elle
Hey! I've been comfortably labeling myself as bi for almost three years now, but I always knew something was missing from that, and I never liked to call myself bisexual (just bi). In fact, my friends' initial reaction when I came out was "oh! I really thought you were ace." Despite relating to the term and the community I never really felt comfortable calling myself ace because I do experience attraction towards multiple genders... romantic attraction. I knew from months of scouring the web that there was a difference and that some ace people still have sex, but this was the video where it just clicked in my head. I really appreciate you for helping me with this! I think I finally feel comfortable calling myself a bi-romantic ace.
I also used to label myself as primarily bisexual. About 10 years ago I walked into the queer space at the university campus I was in. I picked a random guy and had a conversation that went like this: Me: "Hey! I bet you'd never guess what sexual orientation I am!" Him: "I dunno, asexual?" Me: *Gobsmacked* "Ummmmmm... I don't think so?" Him: "Well, I don't want to have sex with you!" Me: "Well, neither do I!" Yeah. He was right.
When I saw this video title my first thought was "now I don't have to interrogate by bi friend about this anymore!" haha. She's one of the first people I told that I was ace (actually, she's the one that asked me if I was ace and aro because that's how obvious it is lol) and since I wasn't fully sure I'd ask her a ton of questions about what attraction even is. Funnily enough she did use the food analogy haha. She was like "so you know how you really like pasta and bread and that kind of thing?" And I was like "yeah" so she was like "so imagine that all the people on earth are replaced with types of food. Some food you like, and some food you don't. You can't help that you like certain kinds of food, and when you see them you really want to eat them. That's what being attracted to people is like" That explanation was really helpful to me, and also makes me hungry because now I want pasta haha. I'm actually considering making some now even though it's past midnight.
that’s so cool! I used to ALWAYS ask elle and kaden to describe lack of attraction to one gender when I thought they were straight and they could NEVER explain and now we know why haha. the food analogy is really helpful! -Lau
This is a great video because for some reason when you search for plain and simple "what is sexual attraction" all the results are either aces trying to explain it or some dating hacks to get people more attracted to you lol. This one goes for the source instead of paraphrasing others! And you're all very well spoken and genuine which is a nice bonus.
I think these kind of pooled results are so important. You get to see the beautiful spectrum of experiences and how someone who is ace may think about sex more times than someone who is allo. I went to a workshop run by Robyn Ochs where we basically did this with a room full of peiple and were asked to plot an anonymous person's response on a scale marked on the floor for all sorts of different questions about sexuality. It was just so affirming to see the variety of responses. (And this was in a room of mostly bi people)
About 10:48 and the scepticism voiced there - I don't think a desire for something equals a feeling of entitlemet to get it. Maybe things will seem less worrysome to you, if you consider that.
I agree with you I think that they just, being ace, didn't understand that distiction because they could not relate. Obviously that person wouldn't necessarily take a dangerous act just because they felt that way. But I understand that it can be scary as an ace person at first to know that other people can have those kinds of thoughts It makes me a bit nervous too especially if someone feels that way toward me. But most people are kind and safe! It's just natural to feel tentative about it too if you don't relate
This is awsome! My Problem is that I know how I feel (mostly) about sex but not what is "normal". So I was desperately searching the Internet for this. Thank youuuuu
I absolutely love watching your videos. Somehow, it's always making me think "wow, being allo is so hard" or I just laugh. Thank you, good people :) And yes for video about virginity! It would be great to see something like this.
I believe the actual average for losing your viginity is 17.4 years old which is crazy to me because I feel like people wouldn't be doing that until at least 18.
I didn’t find out I was Asexual until my senior year of highschool, I also found out I’m Aromantic too cuz I realized I only experience romantic attraction after knowing a guy for a long time,like a best friend, however for Asexuality I’ve never thought about sex and I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone either, so it was difficult to find out cuz it’s hard to realize you don’t feel the same way most people feel, I think what also made it hard is that I never think about sex so I’ve confused about that feeling, I guess a way to help with understanding what people are talking about is to replace sexual thoughts to romantic thoughts cuz I’ve thought about romantic before,probably not a lot but I’ve had thought about it, for me I think about romance by fantasizing dates and stuff like that and being nice to me, and asking me out,so my guess is that it could be similar with sexual thoughts but I’m not sure but its different depending on the person, I also think that even tho thoughts about those things tend to go together with attraction or at least once you have a crush, but from what I’ve also heard is that asexual and aromantic people that don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction at all, still sometimes think about those things even tho they don’t experience that kind of attraction, so it’s more like an in general kind of thing like thinking about that sort of thing but not actually wanting that but just like “this would be nice”
I think there's some attraction concept between undirected libido and sexual attraction, perhaps I could call it "arousal attraction"? I don't think I experience much if any real sexual attraction; if I ever think sexual thoughts about a specific person that's more a undirected hornyness that I deliberately create a fantasy and use someone I find aesthetically pleasing imagine. It never happens on it's own. But I've noticed that when it comes to arousal, while I can fantasize about any gender in abstract so reading erotic literature it doesn't really matter who is involved; but when actual people are behaving overtly sexually (if I notice it at all, of course) or watch porn I seem to get more easily aroused by women and non-binary people even if they are complete strangers to me; while with men it's not very arousing unless I know the person a little. In general I prefer to get to know the porn actors personality a little because it makes me easier aroused (like if they are also RUclipsrs or they also have informal vlogs where they talk about their normal life etc); but it's not as necessary if they are somewhat femme as it is for masculine people. (But if it's a kink I like it doesn't matter much who it is at all). So I'm sort of "demi-aroused" for masculine sexuality and "allo-aroused" for feminine sexuality. While otherwise I'm still mostly asexual. Does this make sense to anyone else? (Or is this simply sexual attraction, and I simply have a very high threshold for triggering it?)
Or maybe it's because I'm actually demisexual and agender/non-binary/demigirl or something; so despite I'm amab I can only place myself in the fantasy of the porn scene of unknown people if I can imagine being one of them and that person has to be femme or androgynous. But when I watch performers where I know the personality a little, I can watch it in a different way using my demisexual attraction to drive arousal instead?
Thanks for the video! It was insightful and helped to figure out that I'm not asexual myself 😆 though I have been questioning it for so long. After two years of constant doubts I eventually came to my own conclusion (now I consider myself bisexual-biromantic 🙂)
Thanks for the video! It helped clarify some things, made other things more confusing, still not sure if I'm demisexual so maybe a video more about that would be nice? I'm shocked at the average age to lose your virginity, thought that would be much higher. And can I just say I love Kaden..I want to give them a hug!
As an angled aroace person I've asked people to explain to me so many times what exactly sexual and romantic attraction even are. I mean, I get the gist of sexual attraction but at the same time I don't and romantic attraction is just straight up confusing. As a little side note, thinking your bisexual or pansexual before figuring out your a-spec is so relatable, like, here's my journey in the past couple of years with realising my sexuality. Mid 2020 - Straight Cisgender Female End of 2020 - Straight Asexual Cisgender Female Beginning 2021 - Panromantic/Biromantic/Polyromantic? Asexual Cisgender Female End of 2021 - Polyromantic Asexual Cisgender Female 2022 - Demi-Polyromantic Asexual Genderfluid 2023 - AroAce Genderfluid 2024 - Angled AroAce Genderfluid Classic symtoms of an AroAce person, thinking that you're bi/pan/poly because you don't really care in the first place. Realising I was Aro took me losing a friend because I rejected them though which was pretty devastating on its own because I kept trying to force myself to feel something for them but realising I was Aro in general was a long journey of feeling like something was wrong with me and feeling really alienated from my peers. I still struggle with a lot of those feelings but I'm much more comfortable in my identity now. Some days I get really depressed though and I can shake this thought that I'm broken and I keep trying to force feelings out of myself. I know that someday I'll get to the point where I can truly accept myself though and it gives me hope to see people like you guys so comfortable with yourselves
I'm currently questioning if I'm asexual. I have spent my whole life believing that I was hetero and I couldn't figure out why I was different when it came to things like sex or porn discussion. I remember being incredibly clunky and awkward around the topics b/c I was taking wild stabs at relating to others about them that never really landed and I couldn't process their excitement over seeing/doing that stuff. I feel like I need to spend some time with the label to really give myself to observe if it fits as well as I think it will, but reflection on my life so far makes me think it's what I am
the pasta one was interesting but I think if I were to compare sexual attraction to craving pasta then it has to be craving pasta after not eating any food for maybe two days or an intense day long hike in which you only ate one apple? like it has to be actual hunger, which if you eat three meals a day you normally don't experience. then again, hunger is different for everyone, some people quickly get hungry grumpy and confused if they skip even one meal, while I feel like if for some reason I didn't have access to food for two days I would just not notice or care that much and I wouldn't feel upset, so that's different between people, but I think being aroused sexually is more like hunger from actual need of food where you've been using up more energy than you ate food to make, not just vague appetite for your next scheduled meal. of course I don't mean you need a person like that or you just keep feeling that way forever, just some kind of sexual release. Or I guess being aroused is like actual hunger from need of food, while casually noticing you're attracted to someone you meet is like the vague sense of appetite before a scheduled meal
so not asexual people think about having sex with the person they are attracted to? and I'm not asking about their partner but just for example a celebrity. they don't just think that that person is ,,hot"? i really have no idea if I'm ace or not i always thought that i wasn't but now I'm questioning it so can someone pls answer
@nelx It’s my understanding that people are defined as “hot” when the person looking at them feels a hot flash of sexual arousal rush through their body.
Ok question: do people actually have the urge to want to kiss people, or do they just do it because it’s the typical of a nice thing to do in a relationship?
I wish I was asexual. It would be amazing to not be wanting sex. I feel like my existence is dominated by my sex life, or lack there of. Being asexual would make being alone so much easier. Alas, I'm straight, but I'm single and isolated. Not having someone and sex makes me feel so destroyed.
Dang bro I'm sorry to hear that... I must agree it is rather freeing to be Ace because I don't have to even think about sex However I can feel romantic feelings and I do want a relationship but I never clicked with anyone and yeah it sucks... I can't imagine how much worse it would be feeling lonely, wanting a romantic connection, AND wanting sex as well at the same time.
Im a 36 year old mother and have sex usually at least once a day, sometimes more, so probably 400 times a year. Im surprised at how little young people have sex. Interesting to hear others views. Thank you for sharing!
Older, heteroromantic ace here, I just stumbled upon the video. I find this very odd: the description of desire given at ca. 10:30-10:50 is, judging by my own experience (or lack of exactly what's described there) the most precise definition that is given in all the answers. It is odd to men, that it was thought as unusual or complicated, judging by the reactions. Then again, definitions have been a cause for conflict in general - again - lately. Otherwise, keep up your efforts of representation. Good show.
10:49 I think that person rather describes how they feel. That‘s very different from what they do about it. Maybe I really want to have cake with my friend now, but they don‘t. Me wanting that is totally fine, unless I pressure my friend into it. That experience seems like being far on „the other side“ of the demi-spectrum.
Me only getting sexual anything only during 2 times of my cycle... exactly in line with when id be able to get pregnant and having been In denial for almost my whole life "why am i only finding this out now???" Edit: i also think about it like... once or twice a month but nothing past "i wouldn't mind the feeling rn" i see alot of sexual things as not sexually usually tieing into mental things i have like autisim or adhd. I genuinely never felt actually good after sexual intercourse myself when I forced myself to do it or did it at all, no one genuinely after did anything past make me psychical feel good mentally i hated it... still do! Genuinely i have had some sexual attraction and it's different on fictional characters where i would say id fuck them but only because i know its never going to happen in the first place, im not sure where i truly am ace wise but i deffintly could do wothout any sex in the future... At one point i wondered how people can go without sex like i was when everyone else acted like it was hard to but i just... didn't mind it...which is part of what brought me to question myself...then I realized i was following what i thought everyone did...so ive been following who i really am instead and real me doesnt want sex unlrss its to reproduce...its been that way for a long time...
X.x whEhaHe oh gosh these are the questions I wanted to know I wish I had this video when I was younger... Thank you guys ❤ P.S. the first question had me shook 💀 I can't imagine thinking of sex more than like once a day... And even when I do it's more like "ah yes that's a thing that exists" winxwjdnwj
Nope! While they may often come together, there are ways to experience them distinctly. Sexual attraction is your pointed desire to be sexually intimate with another person. Arousal is the biological reaction and feeling in our bodies that often accompanies sexual situations, but can occur just because, being humans, it simply happens. Many asexual people do not experience sexual attraction, but do experience arousal, whether they like it or not. Hope this helps!
we are high school teens but kaden and I (Lau) are graduating this spring. we aren’t comfortable sharing our exact age but we are all in the late high school/early college range
Im ace, but i cannot believe sexual attraction is real and that it feels like that, like, do yall really feel that? Because of someone's looks? What? Idk, it feels fake to me lol i litterally cannot understand it
@@YawnyCatBird Are we talked about full-on erection? Cuz how does one get rid of an erection if not to ejaculate which would not cause said blue balls...?
We choose to monetize our videos, so unfortunately, those ads are there to stay for the time being. I certainly don’t recommend anyone buy anything based off of them, but they make up the small income we get from the work we do on this channel (~$5/ video). I hope that makes sense. 😊
I'm not addicted to your channel. Probably. Meybe. Wait I definitely am. Thanks for all the great content! Looking forward to see ya'll continue to grow :D
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It's funny how the cake/food analogy can be used to explain to aces what sexual attraction means at the same time explaining what asexual means to allos.
Cake is just good for everything XD
What's funny is that when I told Allos that basically the closest to that is food for me, they're like oh it can't be that strong and I was like if you have your favorite food in front of you I bet it's similar
The day I found out I was ace was when my sister told me she wants to have sex with people she finds attractive. And I was like : wait you look at someone and imagine them like that immediately?!
And since that day I hate the thought of people thinking that way about me like it feels so disrespectful and gross to me lmao
Agreed
I had a similar experience.
I’ve always felt the same way 💖 I know that sexual people don’t always mean or view it as being disrespectful though, or even willful on their part (that they have those thoughts). But yeah, I’ve always been afraid of people looking at me that way too; I don’t want to be a sexual fantasy, or to be pursued in that way.
I didn’t fully realize or accept I was asexual for a long time though because it’s layered for me, with PTSD from childhood sexual trauma, and I assumed I was this way JUST because of that. So I’ve got baseline no sexual attraction and then the sexual trauma on top of that.
But when I learned as a child that people look at bodies sexually, I started hiding mine, and trying not to draw attention to it. I didn’t want to wear leggings or participate in ballet, so I dropped out. I was told what sex was in juvenile terms by a neighborhood friend - around this same age, six or seven or so - and it badly freaked me out, so I got upset and ran away from them.
@@fujoshiotaku5832 i couldn’t have worded the feeling better than how you did! I can’t stand the thought of people thinking about me like that. It truly does feel disrespectful and devaluing that person.
This resonates with me so much 😂 especially that bit where it's rude haha! The thought makes me feel ill! Oh well, c'est la vie!
Man it’s hard figuring this stuff out when you’re from a culture where people literally never talk about this stuff, and are in an all girls school where everyone is way more focused on school than relationships lmao. It’s like “do I have a crush on this person? Is this what attraction feels like? It doesn’t feel like how people describe it. Maybe I actually am sexually attracted to them but convinced myself that I don’t because I want to be qUirKy and ace.” I’d love to ask my friend who knows their bi, but it’s just odd to ask anyone this kind of question. Maybe it’s just me and my cluelessness around relationships be it platonic or romantic.
This is really interesting, I’ve had many similar questions as a romantic ace. would you be open to asking the same questions casting a wider net, beyond your friends? I’d especially like to hear more from hetero allos. And yes, I would like a video about virginity.
Absolutely! Thanks for expressing your interest! Hopefully our subscriber count will climb enough for us to unlock community posting privileges soon, and we can make surveys right here.
I had a BF who told me "to be with me I expect sex once or twice every day"
I'm grayasexual and couldn't get into it (mentally) most of the time when he wanted
All my attractions are aesthetic and emotional. I can't tell platonic from romantic. And I only feel sexual attraction in certain conditions like a strong bond
I was in a chat room once and everyone was talking about losing virginity and one guy said he was 24 and still a virgin, waiting for the right person, and he got mocked and pressured that he 'needed to get laid' and another dude bragged he lost his virginity at 13 to an 11-year-old girl. Everyone was praising him and I didn't understand why losing your virginity as fast as possible is good and why being a virgin is bad
I also use sexual stimulation (preferably masturbation) to aid in anxiety, stress relief, and sleep
Also, I had a couple crushes from 4th grade to 6th (my girl bestie, and 2 boys in my classes) But it didn't feel sexual. Like with my bestie, we were playing together and I was RPing as the male character and her the female and she did something that turned me on. Mentally I was confused/startled but physically I got a weird sensation running through my body like when you get a sudden chill, and my genital area was tingly I guess?
But with the boys, both times I thought they were cute and wanted to be around them.
Thinking back on my childhood, I was always aroace spec but just didn't have a word for it. My family thinks I'm aroace because my ex irl abused me and therapy will fix me. Yes, I'm traumatized (and now borderline sex repulsed because of him, and before him, I wasn't) but I never really was allo.
I also never felt pressure to act/look a certain way. I didn't care if people found me attractive or not. People making rude or mean comments at me made me cry as a kid but didn't phase me as a teen. A boy asked me to a school dance, and I said no.
I had my first boyfriend at age 9-10 and that was only because he kept following me saying "I love you" and wouldn't quit no matter how much I rejected him so I gave in just to shut him up. We were a couple for a few years and he'd try to get sexual with me (at age 10-13) and I'd reject every time and just wasn't interested. In fact, I was never interested (despite making my dolls have sex at ages 6-9) until after I got sexually molested at 16-18 ish.
I lost my virginity when I was raped at 21-23 ish
I never had any thoughts about losing it prior
I also experimented sexually with my bestie as kids (I'm agender afab she's cis afab) and my mom thought we were just napping together because why would 2 females be sexual with each other XD
I've never in my life thought about sex just randomly. Only when someone mentions it to me, then I'm thinking about what they just said (obviously) and answer them if it was a question. But if the topic doesn't come up, I'd say zero. Never. Thought that was normal until I realized I am probably ace xD
Just sitting here listening to the answers describing sexual attraction and I'm like "these people are speaking a language I don't understand." Really interesting video, though!
As someone who's still figuring out her identity at 36 after growing up sheltered and not even knowing that things like being trans or ace EXISTED, it makes me really happy to see y'all out here being yourselves and helping so many people learn more about asexuality. So proud of you all and I wish you the best 💖
💕
I didn't figure myself out until I was 38-40. I'm now 40 and realized I'm agender, pan, angled aroace (Grayasexual and cupioromantic), polyamorous, and I'm in a couple queerplatonic partnerships.
Similar, I was sheltered as a child and afraid to explore anything as a teen. I people pleased and hyper-masked through most of my 20s.
I had a bit of a laugh with question five when you went "if you haven't felt s3xu4l attraction at fifteen, you may want to considered the possibility that you might be asexual", beacuse I realized I had never felt or understood s3xu4l attraction and was in all likelihood Ace at the ripe old age of (wait for it) twenty four! Thinking back, I certainly wish I had realized as a teen, my understanding of myself and my relationships would have been soo much better and easier🙃 but anyway, thank you for informing us, the uninformed new aces, I love your channel and I have been binge watching your videos (albeit listening to them as podcasts) for the past week. You people have helped me understand my Ace identity a lot better ❤
okay so as an aro/ace spec perso i definitely learnt a lot of things haha. i genuinely didn't think that "average" people were feeling sexual attraction and pressure as kids, this sounds pretty terrifying to me honestly :0 great video as always !
I didn’t think they felt sexual attraction either, I just thought people were trying to be “cool” and fit in and that that was their only motivation…
Is there an aromantic version of this video? I know I'm asexual but I've been questioning if I could be aromantic. Great vid by the way! Very interesting!
Thank you so much for this video! I've been looking for a description of sexual attraction and no one will give me a straight answer. (This may be because all my friends are gay.) This was really helpful to me. Question 5 helped me realize that I feel that I am old enough to know whether I'm ace or not. I now feel comfortable labelling myself as asexual. Your channel has helped me so much on my journey. Thank you! :)
I'm so happy to hear that you feel comfy calling yourself ace, and we are honoured to have helped you along that process!! Thank you for being amazing! - Elle
that’s so lovely to hear!! that’s incredible we’ve been able to help you -Lau
" no one gave me a straight answer because they are all gay"
I see what you did there 🤣🤣🤣
Hey! I've been comfortably labeling myself as bi for almost three years now, but I always knew something was missing from that, and I never liked to call myself bisexual (just bi). In fact, my friends' initial reaction when I came out was "oh! I really thought you were ace." Despite relating to the term and the community I never really felt comfortable calling myself ace because I do experience attraction towards multiple genders... romantic attraction. I knew from months of scouring the web that there was a difference and that some ace people still have sex, but this was the video where it just clicked in my head. I really appreciate you for helping me with this! I think I finally feel comfortable calling myself a bi-romantic ace.
I also used to label myself as primarily bisexual. About 10 years ago I walked into the queer space at the university campus I was in. I picked a random guy and had a conversation that went like this:
Me: "Hey! I bet you'd never guess what sexual orientation I am!"
Him: "I dunno, asexual?"
Me: *Gobsmacked* "Ummmmmm... I don't think so?"
Him: "Well, I don't want to have sex with you!"
Me: "Well, neither do I!"
Yeah. He was right.
When I saw this video title my first thought was "now I don't have to interrogate by bi friend about this anymore!" haha. She's one of the first people I told that I was ace (actually, she's the one that asked me if I was ace and aro because that's how obvious it is lol) and since I wasn't fully sure I'd ask her a ton of questions about what attraction even is.
Funnily enough she did use the food analogy haha. She was like "so you know how you really like pasta and bread and that kind of thing?" And I was like "yeah" so she was like "so imagine that all the people on earth are replaced with types of food. Some food you like, and some food you don't. You can't help that you like certain kinds of food, and when you see them you really want to eat them. That's what being attracted to people is like"
That explanation was really helpful to me, and also makes me hungry because now I want pasta haha. I'm actually considering making some now even though it's past midnight.
that’s so cool! I used to ALWAYS ask elle and kaden to describe lack of attraction to one gender when I thought they were straight and they could NEVER explain and now we know why haha. the food analogy is really helpful! -Lau
This is a great video because for some reason when you search for plain and simple "what is sexual attraction" all the results are either aces trying to explain it or some dating hacks to get people more attracted to you lol. This one goes for the source instead of paraphrasing others! And you're all very well spoken and genuine which is a nice bonus.
I think these kind of pooled results are so important. You get to see the beautiful spectrum of experiences and how someone who is ace may think about sex more times than someone who is allo.
I went to a workshop run by Robyn Ochs where we basically did this with a room full of peiple and were asked to plot an anonymous person's response on a scale marked on the floor for all sorts of different questions about sexuality. It was just so affirming to see the variety of responses. (And this was in a room of mostly bi people)
About 10:48 and the scepticism voiced there - I don't think a desire for something equals a feeling of entitlemet to get it. Maybe things will seem less worrysome to you, if you consider that.
I agree with you
I think that they just, being ace, didn't understand that distiction because they could not relate. Obviously that person wouldn't necessarily take a dangerous act just because they felt that way. But I understand that it can be scary as an ace person at first to know that other people can have those kinds of thoughts
It makes me a bit nervous too especially if someone feels that way toward me.
But most people are kind and safe! It's just natural to feel tentative about it too if you don't relate
This is awsome! My Problem is that I know how I feel (mostly) about sex but not what is "normal". So I was desperately searching the Internet for this. Thank youuuuu
Same! Like how can I even figure out what I am if I don't know what I'm not!
This video had all the answers I was looking for
I absolutely love watching your videos. Somehow, it's always making me think "wow, being allo is so hard" or I just laugh. Thank you, good people :)
And yes for video about virginity! It would be great to see something like this.
Thank you!! We love having you here as well. Also, noted! We definitely have quite a lot to say about the topic of virginity, so stay tuned!💛
This was such an informative video! Thank you so much for making this! I learnt a lot and now have answers to a good few questions 😂
I believe the actual average for losing your viginity is 17.4 years old
which is crazy to me because I feel like people wouldn't be doing that until at least 18.
You believe 18 still!? And that 17 is a crazy time to lose the v card..buddy middle schoolers brag about their body counts😰
@@Unemployed_on_a_Tuesday welp. 18 and still a virgin. It doesn't look like I'll get laid anytime soon either.
I didn’t find out I was Asexual until my senior year of highschool, I also found out I’m Aromantic too cuz I realized I only experience romantic attraction after knowing a guy for a long time,like a best friend, however for Asexuality I’ve never thought about sex and I’ve never been sexually attracted to anyone either, so it was difficult to find out cuz it’s hard to realize you don’t feel the same way most people feel, I think what also made it hard is that I never think about sex so I’ve confused about that feeling, I guess a way to help with understanding what people are talking about is to replace sexual thoughts to romantic thoughts cuz I’ve thought about romantic before,probably not a lot but I’ve had thought about it, for me I think about romance by fantasizing dates and stuff like that and being nice to me, and asking me out,so my guess is that it could be similar with sexual thoughts but I’m not sure but its different depending on the person, I also think that even tho thoughts about those things tend to go together with attraction or at least once you have a crush, but from what I’ve also heard is that asexual and aromantic people that don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction at all, still sometimes think about those things even tho they don’t experience that kind of attraction, so it’s more like an in general kind of thing like thinking about that sort of thing but not actually wanting that but just like “this would be nice”
I think there's some attraction concept between undirected libido and sexual attraction, perhaps I could call it "arousal attraction"?
I don't think I experience much if any real sexual attraction; if I ever think sexual thoughts about a specific person that's more a undirected hornyness that I deliberately create a fantasy and use someone I find aesthetically pleasing imagine. It never happens on it's own. But I've noticed that when it comes to arousal, while I can fantasize about any gender in abstract so reading erotic literature it doesn't really matter who is involved; but when actual people are behaving overtly sexually (if I notice it at all, of course) or watch porn I seem to get more easily aroused by women and non-binary people even if they are complete strangers to me; while with men it's not very arousing unless I know the person a little. In general I prefer to get to know the porn actors personality a little because it makes me easier aroused (like if they are also RUclipsrs or they also have informal vlogs where they talk about their normal life etc); but it's not as necessary if they are somewhat femme as it is for masculine people. (But if it's a kink I like it doesn't matter much who it is at all).
So I'm sort of "demi-aroused" for masculine sexuality and "allo-aroused" for feminine sexuality. While otherwise I'm still mostly asexual.
Does this make sense to anyone else? (Or is this simply sexual attraction, and I simply have a very high threshold for triggering it?)
Or maybe it's because I'm actually demisexual and agender/non-binary/demigirl or something; so despite I'm amab I can only place myself in the fantasy of the porn scene of unknown people if I can imagine being one of them and that person has to be femme or androgynous.
But when I watch performers where I know the personality a little, I can watch it in a different way using my demisexual attraction to drive arousal instead?
I can relate 100%! (except that I'm cis)
Aegosexuality maybe?
Thanks for the video! It was insightful and helped to figure out that I'm not asexual myself 😆 though I have been questioning it for so long. After two years of constant doubts I eventually came to my own conclusion (now I consider myself bisexual-biromantic 🙂)
Thanks for the video! It helped clarify some things, made other things more confusing, still not sure if I'm demisexual so maybe a video more about that would be nice? I'm shocked at the average age to lose your virginity, thought that would be much higher. And can I just say I love Kaden..I want to give them a hug!
Update: I have now watched more of your videos and I think the correct term is enby envy:))
As an angled aroace person I've asked people to explain to me so many times what exactly sexual and romantic attraction even are. I mean, I get the gist of sexual attraction but at the same time I don't and romantic attraction is just straight up confusing. As a little side note, thinking your bisexual or pansexual before figuring out your a-spec is so relatable, like, here's my journey in the past couple of years with realising my sexuality.
Mid 2020 - Straight Cisgender Female
End of 2020 - Straight Asexual Cisgender Female
Beginning 2021 - Panromantic/Biromantic/Polyromantic? Asexual Cisgender Female
End of 2021 - Polyromantic Asexual Cisgender Female
2022 - Demi-Polyromantic Asexual Genderfluid
2023 - AroAce Genderfluid
2024 - Angled AroAce Genderfluid
Classic symtoms of an AroAce person, thinking that you're bi/pan/poly because you don't really care in the first place. Realising I was Aro took me losing a friend because I rejected them though which was pretty devastating on its own because I kept trying to force myself to feel something for them but realising I was Aro in general was a long journey of feeling like something was wrong with me and feeling really alienated from my peers. I still struggle with a lot of those feelings but I'm much more comfortable in my identity now. Some days I get really depressed though and I can shake this thought that I'm broken and I keep trying to force feelings out of myself. I know that someday I'll get to the point where I can truly accept myself though and it gives me hope to see people like you guys so comfortable with yourselves
People think about sex 4 times a day? That sounds like a lot to me!
I love this channel🤗good luck
Awww, thanks so much!! We love you, too!
I'm currently questioning if I'm asexual. I have spent my whole life believing that I was hetero and I couldn't figure out why I was different when it came to things like sex or porn discussion. I remember being incredibly clunky and awkward around the topics b/c I was taking wild stabs at relating to others about them that never really landed and I couldn't process their excitement over seeing/doing that stuff. I feel like I need to spend some time with the label to really give myself to observe if it fits as well as I think it will, but reflection on my life so far makes me think it's what I am
Thank you really for this video. It somehow made me feel very comfortable as myself which is like amazing :))
the pasta one was interesting but I think if I were to compare sexual attraction to craving pasta then it has to be craving pasta after not eating any food for maybe two days or an intense day long hike in which you only ate one apple? like it has to be actual hunger, which if you eat three meals a day you normally don't experience. then again, hunger is different for everyone, some people quickly get hungry grumpy and confused if they skip even one meal, while I feel like if for some reason I didn't have access to food for two days I would just not notice or care that much and I wouldn't feel upset, so that's different between people, but I think being aroused sexually is more like hunger from actual need of food where you've been using up more energy than you ate food to make, not just vague appetite for your next scheduled meal. of course I don't mean you need a person like that or you just keep feeling that way forever, just some kind of sexual release. Or I guess being aroused is like actual hunger from need of food, while casually noticing you're attracted to someone you meet is like the vague sense of appetite before a scheduled meal
This is interesting, thank you! Based on that I've never felt sexual attraction
so not asexual people think about having sex with the person they are attracted to? and I'm not asking about their partner but just for example a celebrity. they don't just think that that person is ,,hot"? i really have no idea if I'm ace or not i always thought that i wasn't but now I'm questioning it so can someone pls answer
I would really like to know the answer to this question two
Me three!
@nelx It’s my understanding that people are defined as “hot” when the person looking at them feels a hot flash of sexual arousal rush through their body.
Ok question: do people actually have the urge to want to kiss people, or do they just do it because it’s the typical of a nice thing to do in a relationship?
I am wondering this also
When the person on the left laughs its very loud and it startles me ;-;
I agree
Everyone's different. When they laughed I couldn't help but laugh too.
I wish I was asexual. It would be amazing to not be wanting sex. I feel like my existence is dominated by my sex life, or lack there of. Being asexual would make being alone so much easier. Alas, I'm straight, but I'm single and isolated. Not having someone and sex makes me feel so destroyed.
being straight is hard i’m sorry for your loss (but in all seriousness I get what you’re saying. it does simplify certain aspects) -Lau
Dang bro I'm sorry to hear that... I must agree it is rather freeing to be Ace because I don't have to even think about sex
However I can feel romantic feelings and I do want a relationship but I never clicked with anyone and yeah it sucks... I can't imagine how much worse it would be feeling lonely, wanting a romantic connection, AND wanting sex as well at the same time.
yo vid goes hard
im sad i didnt fill out the form now
The only times I think about sexual stuff is usually via intrusive thoughts :(
are you guys even 18? God bless this world.....
Wait, so you can feel sexual attraction as a virgin or as someone who doesn't know about s3x?
First video I've seen on this channel. Allos really sound scary. I'm grey myself (I think), I never knew s*x filled so much for allos
Yeah I felt that though
I didn't know it encompassed so much of life for non-ace-spectrum people. It's like
I had no idea about the world around me 💀
I had no idea some people had so much sex, they must have lots of energy! 😂
Im a 36 year old mother and have sex usually at least once a day, sometimes more, so probably 400 times a year. Im surprised at how little young people have sex. Interesting to hear others views. Thank you for sharing!
Older, heteroromantic ace here, I just stumbled upon the video. I find this very odd: the description of desire given at ca. 10:30-10:50 is, judging by my own experience (or lack of exactly what's described there) the most precise definition that is given in all the answers. It is odd to men, that it was thought as unusual or complicated, judging by the reactions. Then again, definitions have been a cause for conflict in general - again - lately.
Otherwise, keep up your efforts of representation. Good show.
Do a survey video but for aromantics
Just put out a survey; thank you for the prompt! 😊
10:49 I think that person rather describes how they feel. That‘s very different from what they do about it. Maybe I really want to have cake with my friend now, but they don‘t. Me wanting that is totally fine, unless I pressure my friend into it.
That experience seems like being far on „the other side“ of the demi-spectrum.
Me only getting sexual anything only during 2 times of my cycle... exactly in line with when id be able to get pregnant and having been In denial for almost my whole life "why am i only finding this out now???"
Edit: i also think about it like... once or twice a month but nothing past "i wouldn't mind the feeling rn" i see alot of sexual things as not sexually usually tieing into mental things i have like autisim or adhd. I genuinely never felt actually good after sexual intercourse myself when I forced myself to do it or did it at all, no one genuinely after did anything past make me psychical feel good mentally i hated it... still do!
Genuinely i have had some sexual attraction and it's different on fictional characters where i would say id fuck them but only because i know its never going to happen in the first place, im not sure where i truly am ace wise but i deffintly could do wothout any sex in the future...
At one point i wondered how people can go without sex like i was when everyone else acted like it was hard to but i just... didn't mind it...which is part of what brought me to question myself...then I realized i was following what i thought everyone did...so ive been following who i really am instead and real me doesnt want sex unlrss its to reproduce...its been that way for a long time...
I’m aroace yay 🏳️🌈
BAAA! Y'all are too funny, haha!
Hey, from ace to ace, may I ask about your romantic orientations?
Of course! Both Kaden and I (Elle) are aromantic, and Lau is… biromantic??
X.x whEhaHe oh gosh these are the questions I wanted to know
I wish I had this video when I was younger... Thank you guys ❤
P.S. the first question had me shook 💀 I can't imagine thinking of sex more than like once a day... And even when I do it's more like "ah yes that's a thing that exists" winxwjdnwj
May I ask you something is arousal and sexual attraction is the same
Nope! While they may often come together, there are ways to experience them distinctly.
Sexual attraction is your pointed desire to be sexually intimate with another person.
Arousal is the biological reaction and feeling in our bodies that often accompanies sexual situations, but can occur just because, being humans, it simply happens.
Many asexual people do not experience sexual attraction, but do experience arousal, whether they like it or not.
Hope this helps!
@@SpaceyAces thank you I'm aroace too
I would say that in the schools I went to, the average age of losing virginity would have been something like 13-14.
What do you mean in beginning that
i am in phase neither nor
Are all of you over 18? You mentioned being teens. I don't know if you mean that as in teenagers in high school or college teens.
we are high school teens but kaden and I (Lau) are graduating this spring. we aren’t comfortable sharing our exact age but we are all in the late high school/early college range
Это было интересно, спасибо)
"Blue balls" are a thing lol
Im ace, but i cannot believe sexual attraction is real and that it feels like that, like, do yall really feel that? Because of someone's looks? What? Idk, it feels fake to me lol i litterally cannot understand it
What is y'all definition of blue balls?
May I suggest "Physiological arousal in the genital region that is interrupted in such a way that is not sublimated"?
@@YawnyCatBird Are we talked about full-on erection? Cuz how does one get rid of an erection if not to ejaculate which would not cause said blue balls...?
Can you guys block ads on your videos? Because, I mean, really!
We choose to monetize our videos, so unfortunately, those ads are there to stay for the time being. I certainly don’t recommend anyone buy anything based off of them, but they make up the small income we get from the work we do on this channel (~$5/ video). I hope that makes sense. 😊
I'm not addicted to your channel. Probably. Meybe. Wait I definitely am.
Thanks for all the great content! Looking forward to see ya'll continue to grow :D
thank you for your support! -Lau