To those who are still questioning but couldn't relate to some or most of the signs in this video, It's important to keep in mind that asexuality is a spectrum and that there are so many different identities under the asexual umbrella, you probably just haven't found the one that best describes you. I second-guessed myself for several months before I finally accepted that aspect of my identity. My advice is to know yourself, but also acknowledge that how it manifests in you may be different from others and that all are completely valid!
That’s so awesome, idk if I’m asexual yet but I told my parents about it and they kept saying it’s “not natural” and something that people grow out of :/
I spent high school thinking that my teenage hormones that everyone was talking about would kick in aaaannnnyyy day now. They did not. Still haven't kicked in years and years later. I'm just asexual.
If it's any consolation, I'm now 51 years old, been married for 21 years with a teenage son, and I'm *still* waiting for mine to kick in. Luckily I have a very understanding and loving husband, and we have many other things in our relationship that keep us bonded. 😊
@@genevieve4679 Same here. Middle school was particularly traumatizing for me because that's when kids started to get crushes on the opposite sex, while both still had "cooties" to me. Then high school, and I was worried because if I obviously wasn't physically attracted to the sex I was "supposed" to like, I thought that made gay, which I knew I definitely wasn't, either, naively assuming that we all "had to" be either one or the other. But as an adult, I learned about asexuality. More than 20 years since, and still waiting for these hormones to kick in, too. 😆 So that's a sign which one I am.
In high school I thought my lack of attraction meant I was more mature than anyone else. Like I knew that relationships from high school don't work out so I didn't get into them, and all the kids who got into relationships just didn't know any better. Only as an adult did I realize that all those people experiences attraction, which is a powerful driving force that often pushes beyond my cold 'logic'...
I know I am asexual because I get very uncomfortable when I know someone is sexualizing me. I am into yoga so often times I have on yoga pants and a crop top or something and people will tell me that I look good or whatever and it makes me uncomfortable. A while ago I lost a lot of weight. I was discussing this with a friend and he said, “well, you are the one that wanted to look good.” I said, “yeah, for me not for someone else.” 🤷🏻♀️
I like when people say I look good... Unless I feel like they're saying it in a sexual way... hahaha For exemple, my ex-boyfriend told me he dreamed about be having short hair and that being very sexy, like years ago, (and we are still friends, but) I still haven't told him I cut my hair short, and I hate the thought of him seeing me with short hair... hahaha
So, here is something that is taboo. In my teen years I had a high libido. I broke down sexual encounters as 'okay, after a certain point of dating, we should do this' and I would schedule it but take care of myself. I was very sex knowledgeable and I enjoyed doing sexual acts because it gave me emotional satisfaction that they were happy. I thought that was what sex was... I don't really enjoy the actual act of penetrative sex and see it as very medical. Like an antidepressant for my partner. I don't care for an orgasm and often get annoyed if I get physically aroused. It's a chore to me. I do understand that others have sexual needs and I am willing to do those sexual things. However, I get the same response to having a good cup of tea when sexual acts are done to me. I understand that it feels good but I would much rather have tea. I'm 30 now. I still enjoy songs with sex in them and sexualized media. I can see the appeal in all of it but I see it as an art form. Sexual poetry isn't bad because of sex, it's bad because the metaphors aren't great. I wanted to post my experience as an asexual because it isn't typical. I hope it helps someone.
Thank you for posting this! I’ve been wondering if I might be on the ace spectrum, but none of the labels floating out there really seem to fit me. Your comment resonates with my experience the most so far, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
It actually helped! Rn I feel like I'm doing a puzzle that I don't know the kind of or what picture it is and you just gave me like 3 pieces I didn't know I was looking for! Thank you for sharing! I'm happy for you how you've found yourself.
thank you for being so considerate! we aces always appreciate someone making the effort to learn about us instead of just assuming they know everything
@@aprillynn6221 Me too! Most of my crushes in my lifetime were celebrities or people I hardly knew! If it was someone I did know, it was mostly a platonic interest, or a conscious effort to decide which boy in my class was the most attractive, appealing, etc. I wonder if there's a specific orientation or aro/ace label relating to only being attracted to strangers or fiction? Maybe aego?
I’ve recently started wondering about myself because my answer was always “nope” because any that were cute were “hmmm he’s cute I guess, I wonder if he’s a suitable candidate for dating… oh nvm he has a girlfriend *completely forgets about him in any form of dating sense*”
@@christineburk4026 mine were all fictional characters that I think I just low key really wanted to be 😭 Jack Frost, Peter Parker, Ash Ketchum. All of them I liked because they were “cool” or “smart” I wanna be cool and smart to other people too though-
I realized I'm ace like five years ago, I just clicked in this video bc I knew it would be nice to watch! It feels so good when I can relate to another person in this subject, thanks for that! here are some experiences I have being ace: 1. Being a more feminine-gendered person, I feel very comfortable consuming male homosexual content. This started when I was 13. Many thought I watched it because I was just a horny teen (like if I was watching it in the same way people watch porn), but looking back, mlm content was my way of connecting with sex and typical romantic love without being directly involved in it. In fact, mlm stories are still comfort for me, as neither the stories nor the characters nor the sexual situations reflect me as a person, which allows me to fully enjoy it without being uncomfortable. 2. I am very interested in sex as a concept. I'm going to give a strange example, but imagine a fictional story about a murderer. You can say "wow, what an interesting way to approach the subject; this scene is aesthetically pleasing; this character's desires are very well addressed; it's conceptually intriguing, dark, mysterious..." But you wouldn't murder a person irl. U get my point, right? Seeing it correctly captured in fiction pleases me a lot, I even find it fascinating, but I would never actually do it in real life. 3. This one is hard to explain, but I find it a bit unfortunate that sensuality is so closely related to sex. Sometimes I wish I could hold a person's face, or hug them, or caress them, or kiss them; in the same way that I appreciate a beautiful animal, a beautiful flower, a work of art or even my own body, which I can touch without compromise. My point is: it's sad that I can't sensorially express my love for another person without those acts being considered as part of a sexual ritual. I have a lot of physical love to offer, I just don't tolerate the idea that such displays of affection are tied to sex. these are the ones that came to my mind rn. have a good dayy :p (sorry if my eng is not good).
That’s how I feel too. When I see Gay men in love it seems cute but when a straight guy approaches me in the same way, it feels wrong. I’m not straight, bi or lesbian but Demi-auto. The lack of potential involvement really makes the love between two other people much more beautiful to me🌸🌸🌸
I remember ppl thought it was weird when I didn't have sexual tendencies in middle school through high-school and last year I realized I could be just ace. I love the softer side of romance not really the sexual side.
I didn't understand why people wanted to have sex if you could get pregnant or an STI. I didn't get it all and one girl didn't appreciate in class when i said "just don't have sex" when talking about STI. Like I'm like, it's easy not to do that. appearantly not...
Personally, I found out I was ace when I realized I had an "out of body" feeling every time I made out with a partner. It didn't matter how intense or pleasurable it was, I'd always be hyper-aware of the fact that I'm doing "an action." No ecstasy, no mortifying worry, no blushy embarrassment, no repulsion, just... this is a thing I'm doing. I loved my partners a *lot* romantically, but sexually? I was just checked out entirely unless it got uncomfortable.
Same here! I've had sex with partners in the past and I always felt detached from it, as if I wasn't the one experiencing it. I also went about in a very scientific way, thinking "Oh okay, so if I do this, then the reaction will be that", never really being guided by intuition or want.
Nope, I am asexual too and this happens to me all the time as well. This is not dissociation - this is your thoughts wandering off while absent-mindedly doing something. When you wash the dishes, stare out of the window and daydream at the same time, you wouldn't call that dissociation, now would you?
@@ethan_the_alien I still think you're dramatising the whole thing. I just let my mind wander and do not pay attention to the whole experience because I am quite literally bored out of my mind.
Similar. During sex I am imagining that I am not me, but my friend who is very much sexual and can’t go without sex for a day (has two lovers and uses sex toys all the time). So by pretending to be her I kinda try to immerse in sensation that I’m enjoying it..
I grew up very religious, and one day they had a "girls talk, guys talk" in youth (basically sex ed from church but a sleep over and it got *very* personal). At one point 12-year old me was just very confused and asked "why would anyone have sex outside of marriage? That literally makes no sense." In my mind, sex was only used for making babies, you would only want a baby if you were stable, stability came from being married/ having someone who would provide while you were pregnant/on leave- so you would only logically have sex if you were married. I got a lot of weird looks and the "someday you'll understand" speech.... I am in my 20s, I still don't understand
@@novasvendsen4226 omg, same. Until I met my first openly queer friend- I honestly thought I was just...better than the other youth members at my church because I didn't have the same "temptations" as them. That queer friend also helped start me on the transition to atheism- and I will forever be grateful for them opening my eyes in more ways than one.
So relatable. I littery will not do the work 😂 I think it's called being a "Pillow Princess". I get bored quickly, then start thinking about what I need to get at the store or what I want to have for dinner. 😅
I was confused about my sexuality for a long time because I enjoy feeling and looking "sexy", and sex in theory didn't seem that bad (in hindsight thinking it didn't seem "that bad" should've been a sign), but any time I was put in a sexual situation with guys I've dated I would get super uncomfortable. I also went through a phase of "I don't want to have sex with guys, so am I a lesbian?" which corresponded with with my confusion about the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction. It took me asking myself, "if a fortune teller told you that you will never have sex with anyone, how would you feel?" and my reaction being indifference and even relief to really feel comfortable with identifying as ace.
Same. Being Ace made being a stripper and cage dancer realy fun and not breaking the "no touching" club rule easy to uphold. 😂 I'm so not tempted and I love wearing edgy clothes and raving/dancing.
Literally screamed at 9:12 when Kaden said, "...acknowledging its existence as a concept, very far removed. Realizing it actually happens can be difficult..." I've never felt soseen in my life.
Even not being asexual, I can sometimes feel this way for other reasons, like growing up in a conservative religious household where sex was just never discussed, being isolated from a lot of people, or just living with more western concepts of shaming sexuality so that it feels like it’s all only behind closed doors or in porn (which often doesn’t feel real). If you aren’t an active participant in sexual encounters, it can feel like something that only… pseudo exists?
Met up with a friend and they told me they slept with someone a couple nights ago, i was like "oh, who was it?" Expecting it to be mutual, Then they said it was someone they had just met for the first time that day i was just like 'wow' is this what people do?
To me, sexual touch is just a way to express affection to a partner. It feels nice physically to a certain degree, but I really don't get what people are talking about when they go like "oh I haven't had sex in 3 months I need to get laid" like.... what? Why? Do you really crave touch that badly? Is that craving a universal experience?
As someone solidly into adulthood let me attest that having a larger bed becomes a necessity for many people and it has nothing to do with another bed partner. As your body ages and becomes more prone to aches and pains and stiffness, being able to stretch out, roll or change position becomes really important to feeling good and not in pain. I find it entirely possible your parents, despite being allosexual, were just looking out for your future self. :) ps. bunk beds really are everything though. Queen sized bunk beds need to become a thing.
i’m a sleep stretcher, i’ve been told that whenever i sleep on a large bed (like in hotels and stuff) i am fully across the entire bed the whole time, so having a small bed is pretty annoying. i second the need for queen sized bunk beds
On the other side of this, I’m 30 and downsized to a twin bed a couple years ago (in a separate room from my partner) and I love my cozy little bed and comforter so much. Cuddles do require going to his room and queen-sized bed, though 😂
I wasn't born asexual. I lost sexual attraction because of sexual assault. I'm 16 male and I was assaulted last year. Before the assault, I always loved women and i was attracted to them more than anyone. I dont know why these things happened but I'm proud to be Ace ❤🏳️🌈
I’m so sorry that happened to you! :( I completely understand why you are put off sexual stuff right now but I think you can work through this with a therapist or if you can’t afford one right now, somebody you can talk to who you trust. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings but if the reasoning for you becoming ace is because of something as terrible as this, then I think you should look into it more. I’m so sorry again.
@@Abigail.444 thank you for your kind words! Yea, I always wonder, if this trauma is healed completely, will I be able to enjoy sexual stuff again. I no longer have symptoms of trauma such as flashbacks and panic attacks but my sexual attraction doesnt seems like their getting back. I get aroused rarely tho. But that feeling is just couple of seconds and goes away.
Sexuality is a weird thing. Who you are can never be chosen, but sometimes developmental experiences (yes, even trauma) can influence your sexual and romantic preferences. Of course, sexuality is RARELY trauma based.. but it seems for you it was, and that’s ok :) No matter what happens regarding your sexuality, I’m glad you’ve found a community you belong in
i’ve known i was ace since i was in elementary school. i just didnt know the word for it i still had crushes on people, but not in the way everyone else described it. mine felt more like wanting to be with someone at all times rather than thinking someone’s attractive and drooling over them anyway i relate so much to all of these stories hah! its nice to have an open space to be myself like this channel especially when people like my mom think that my asexuality is invalid because im only in eighth grade (if i felt sexual attraction i’m sure i would’ve had some sort of internal sexual awakening by now??)
Yes exactly! I get romantic and emotional crushes, but never just on someone who is considered conventionally physically attractive. They have to have done something especially funny/cool/interesting/nice for me to be at all interested in them, and I honestly could not care less what someone looks like. Can you make me laugh? Are you a nice person? Do we share the same values? Only after I find out if we are compatible in every way will I ever start to feel sexually attracted to them. I have decided to identify as bisexual demisexual, but even that doesn’t quite feel right all the time. All I know is I’m definitely NOT aromantic. I’m more of a hopeless romantic.
@@loverrlee perhaps you are demisexual biromantic? I totally get what you’re saying though. It’s like if you splattered paint across the ace-spectrum identifiers, that’s me. I’m myrsexual panromantic.
I am an adult, but I totally understand where you're coming from. I had my first menses at age 9. So by the time I'd gotten to 8th grade I should have experienced sexual attraction as well, especially having what at the time was probably a moderate libido. I was like you also in that once I got older, my very first real crush at age 17 was more about wanting to spend more time with the person. Eventually, maybe holding hands/cuddling, buying them gifts. Never thought sexually about them even though I did have a sex drive. I thought I was broken because I couldn't understand fundamentally what some of my friends were saying when it came to attraction. Especially when they talked about someone being "hot". What does that even mean? Lol. And somehow just looking at their crush put them in a fantasy/arousal state of mind? What even? I always kind of thought of people like furniture. Like objectively, I know people look different, and some are better-looking than others. And some are more comfortable to be around. But I don't have a sexual attraction to furniture, or to people 🤣 But at age 24, the circumstances were just right, and I had my first experience of something resembling feelings of actual sexual attraction - and to someone I didn't know. It was legitimately a life-altering moment for me. Since then I've experienced some level of sexual attraction to a person a couple of other times. Once when I was 29, and another time when I was 35. But it is preceded by an emotional attraction, mental attraction, then esthetic attraction. And SOMETIMES that may mean a base level of sexual attraction can result. It's definitely not a guarantee. I am 39 now and identify as asexual, and I believe I've always been asexual - but have experienced periods in my life of being demi/graysexual.
A lot of these signs apply to me and I’ve been questioning whether I’m asexual for a couple of years. I am on the younger side so I’m not 100% sure about it. How does sexual attraction even work? Do people look at someone and just know they want to have sex? Seems arbitrary to me. I don’t know if I’m too young to have experienced sexual attraction or if I’m ace. I’m a freshman in high school. I’d love an answer if anyone is able to give one. :)
Well, we can’t exactly tell you for sure if you’re ace, but one sure way of knowing is simply identifying with it. So if you identify as asexual, you are asexual, regardless of your age. Sexuality is also fluid, so even if you do come to experience sexual attraction later on, you can still identify as ace in the time being, especially if that makes you feel more comfortable with yourself and your identity. Hope this helps. Thank you for sharing your experience!
TD;LR: As you go through highschool allow yourself to be your own person. Riding the wave solo can give you the space to grow. Define what your boundaries are and demand that they be respected. If people try to cross them, even if they're closer friends, be there for yourself and don't budge on your non-negotiables. If peer pressure is weighing on you and you want to try to fit in to what everyone else is doing. Check in with yourself...is it what YOU want for yourself..stick to what is right for you... Bc ppl can only love who you show up as and if you find love from ppl who only support who you are pretending to be then you will inevitably lose yourself while gaining their favor. Friendships don't have to be lost over things when ppl can mutually respect each other's different ways of life. Being young and not knowing everything is a given but one's truth is so innate that even in youth there is so much that can be known about oneself. Aka you're never too young to know what your inner truth is. Be assured in yourself and don't let people make you feel crazy and that they know you more than you know yourself (what they know should instead be confirmation on what you already feel) in a means of taking advantage of u and what not. It's also okay for you to change as you grow into legal adulthood life can flow as phases so if what is right for you rn doesn't quite fit later on that's totally fine too it's a natural way of growth. The urge to cave into peer pressure didn't hit me until high school so I was very much trying to fit in as much as I could...and in my experience of highschool and maybe lowkey generally my friends and the people around me really started to put themselves out there in having their beginning experiences with romance and sexuality..and I wanted to be like them, and put myself out there in similar ways, bc yk fomo I wanted to be in on what the craze was ab. All I'm saying is that I'd wish I held true to myself more. Hence why I wrote this long af comment in hopes to help you with your highschool days.. 🫂💙
While I am asexual, I have a high libido. I often view it as a chore that gets in the way or a simple distraction, like an itch. sometimes I scratch at it and sometimes I just ignore it and hope it stops bothering me. And sometimes I override it with cake. But I have never felt attraction toward people. I honestly always thought people would exaggerate when they get excited over things like how someone looks. Like, in an old movie or tv show, you see someone walk in dress nicely, and people in the crowd wolf whistle or go “ooohh”. I never thought people were actually attracted to that, more that they were playing it up or something.
I always knew I was “wired different” every since I was young. I didn’t learn about asexuality until I was in therapy at 38 and my counselor suggested I look up asexuality. It was as if a huge weight was lifted! It was so freeing to know there’s nothing “wrong” with me.
It's so cool to see this many people having the same experiences as me!! My whole life I thought a crush was enjoying a person's company in general?? To fit in I PICKED any popular boy (comp het yay) in a room to "crush on". Then I started thinking I was bisexual since I felt the same way (neutral) towards men and women. When someone finally explained sexual attraction to me as a daily experience I was so confused
@@ws6778 Is panromantic a catch all term for bisexual demisexual? Because if so thank you!! I think this is the word I’ve been looking for my whole life! 😭🙏
@@loverrlee no, panromantic is the romantic counterpart for pansexual. Bisexual and demisexual are too different things but somebody can be both things: demi-bi-sexual.
I'm not asexual and unfortunately don't know anyone who is, but I'm here to learn so I can have a better understanding for all future encounters with ace peoples
Ive been questioning if I'm asexual for years, and the few times I've mentioned it to friends, I get dismissed. These same friends have teased me for years for not seeking out sex with people/not being sexually attracted to people. I super relate to forgetting sex exists. And the accidentally making sexual sounding jokes and everyone laughing. I appreciate this video a lot. Thank you all
something this got me thinking about, ive been describing my attraction to people as being the same as elementry school crushes. like im obsessive from a distance and i love any attention they give me and i just wanna spend time with them, if they hold my hand or kiss me i might get butterflies but thats it. no further thoughts or desires, im satisfied with that
I really relate to the whole ”sex exists catching you off guard” that’s how I realized I am Aromantic. Every time someone asks me if I have a partner yet it makes me realize that it’s something others expect of me. I have no want or need of a partner, I love seeing others in happy couples but don’t understand why I should want one myself, I’d much rather just have a couple of close friends
💙I agree with you, Puan. I'm happy for others if they get a boyfriend or girlfriend or get married, but I don't want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or get married.
Feeling like sex was a chore is something I relate to so much. Most of my experiences I've been kinda drunk. After college I just stopped having sex. I think part of it was peer pressure to be sexual.
girl this is also part of r@pe culture, that women must be sexually available for men! don't let anyone pressure you to do something you're not comfortable with
Lol yup I realized the same. Except I am still a virgin. I never have been drunk lol. I don't seek sex. I found it strange when men saw an attractive woman, they would go crazy and change their behaviors to gain some type of favor. Could I have sex and find fun in it, probably. If it's on a schedule, we both get checked, and not spontaneous. Do I need it. No. I actually find more enjoyment painting people. I'd do that over sex any day.
Hello Spacey Aces! I'm an allosexual mama who is on a continuous quest for knowledge. (One of my adult kids is confirmed demisexual.) Anyway, I'm a new subscriber because y'all are a great resource. Also, y'all are valid and awesome! ❤️🙏🏳️🌈
Thank you so much to all of you for being so candid. There needs to be more conversation about asexuality. I'm in my 50s and I can relate to all of this. The most annoying thing for me about sex when I was dating after divorce was these people just patronizing me and telling me oh you just haven't met the right person yet and in dates it was like you need someone like ME! So degrading. smh. I can remember back in gradeschool the time of boy crazy girls and girl crazy guys and none of it interested me. I just wanted to play video games. I never dreamed of my perfect wedding, hell I never even wanted to get married but somehow I did because it was just "expected". Dating has been frustrating because people just wanna jump in bed so I bought a black ring. In doing this I hope it attracts someone like me to me.
Hi! I already knew I’m ace but I loved hearing all of your stories about your experiences! I don’t know too many aces irl so it’s nice to find people who have had similar experiences as me. Also, I love how you’re creating a great ace space on the internet :). Have a great day / night!
asexuality was the first label I identified with (but I don't anymore). at the time it was really important to me to feel like at least I had someone to relate to. eventually I got diagnosed with autism and realised maybe my experience is just... different from the norm because of that so I just stopped labelling myself at all. I'm very happy in my relationship, I enjoy sexual experiences, and I feel good about being the way I am (at least in that regard). I'm happy to see you create such a nice space for people who are lost like I was, and also people who are confident in their asexuality! keep up the good work
This video did help me completely understand that I’m asexual. When I turned 20 I realized that I never went through that sexual attraction or tendencies (???) in high school. Never had a relationship, never wanted a relationship, never wanted to be physical with anyone sexually. To To this day, I’ve never been attracted to someone like that, it was just a small crush being “oh their cute.” That only happened twice in middle school and once in elementary. When Elle said that if you feel weird about being in a relationship and having a sexually partner, your probably asexual. That hit me really hard it was true. Possibly considering I might be aro? Idk since I do love romance and want that special someone. Anyways, thanking for sharing your experiences and helping me with my own!
I'm 31 and currently in the frantic Internet research rabbit hole. Literally ALL of these I can relate to! Thank you for this video. It was really helpful!
I'm kind of a late bloomer, I only realized I was ace at 25 and until that point, I struggled a lot with my self-image and trying to fit in a mold that I inherently felt was bad for me. It's just so good to see the generation that comes after us has better resources like your videos and probably realize their identity much sooner, possibly not getting into a lot of uncomfortable situations I did in the years I thought I was simply straight. Anyway, looking back now in the possession of more wisdom, there were a lot of signs I could have noticed. - I have always found sex in the media kind of icky. I was more than okay about looking at blood and gore on the screen in medical dramas or horror movies, but had to look away every time a couple was doing something even minimally sexual (like, even passionate kissing was doing it for me). - I was masturbating regularly, but my triggers weren't even remotely sexual. They weren't even about other people. - Being an only child and therefore spending a lot of my time with adults, I considered myself more emotionally mature than my peers in most areas. I also matured early physically, starting my period at 11. Considering these it was really odd to hear from everyone that I was unable to lock down even a date in high school beacuse I was 'not ready' for a relationship. - I was really into religion for a while and I was A-okay with the thought of waiting for sex until marriage. Honestly, the biggest doubt I was having about the concept is if I will actually want to have sex with my partner in marriage. - It took well into my university years when I had friends who were more open about their sex lives to realize people are actually attracted to others that way (I kind of assumed it's just a thing that people say but they don't actually mean it) and most people my age actually do want to have sex with other people. Until that point I was completely blindsided to these concepts. - When I tried dating straight guys later, it always ended after a couple months, mostly by me breaking up with them (one time it was mutual), because I was simply mortified by them kissing me. I had mini panick attacks and regularly felt disconnecting from my body during the whole thing. It happened every time with multiple guys and did not improve with time.
OMG I relate so much to the part of being more mature than most people of my age! I thought only me experienced that! coincidence or not, I am also only child and had my periods very early (10) kkkkk I remember in my teens or even as an older child I preferred the adults' conversation than the conversations of people my age, they were just so uninteresting and boring kkkk
For a while I felt inexplicably connected to the asexual label, but didn't seem to actually fit into it. That is, until I found out about aegosexuality. Knowing about the label helped me figure myself out just a tad bit more, and it was nice to find out there's a community of people that experience things the way I do. I only stumbled upon the micro label because I clicked on someone's pronoun.page link in their bio, and they had it listed as one of their identities. Weird how the small action of clicking on a link led to me discovering something about myself. Also kinda beautiful how someone doing the somewhat vulnerable act of sharing their identity publicly is the main reason I realized I also shared that identity
great vid! i was wonder if this could be a sign too. i’m still in school. my friends talk about how they would like to do sexual things with their crushes/ partners. it makes me uncomfortable to think of a crush of mine in that way. when i do have a crush (which is rare tbh) i literally can’t imagine doing anything sexual with them. all i want to do is hold their hand, or have meaningful a conversation.
I have struggled with wondering about my sexuality because I am bisexual but I think also demisexual, so I do expedience sexual feelings but very very rarely. I only really feel sexual towards people I’ve been romantically or emotionally attracted to (I understand aesthetic attraction in theory but a purely aesthetic attraction does not necessarily mean I’ll be sexually attracted) and when I am in love with my partner, I enjoy sex. So for the longest time I didn’t think I was on the asexual spectrum, but now I do think I actually am because I could relate to a lot of what was mentioned in this (sex and/or masturbation feeling more like a chore, for example) and I have never felt the desire to sleep with a stranger (no shade to those who do, it’s just not my thing). I feel seen and understood by this video. Thank you for making this video. 💗💗💗
Aesthetic attraction is huge for me-I could look at people all day, draw them, fall a little in love with the way their one front tooth crosses the other a bit or their nose scrunches when they get excited or whatever it may be, but that’s not gonna get me anywhere really beyond a piece of art.
I already know I'm aroace, and I've known for a long time. But still, listening to other aroace experiences makes me feel normal and it's something I can relate to, and after a long day of being in a sex-based society that confuses me, it's kinda like a break in a way.
Omg sexy does mean edgy pretty, this is the best definition of the word I've found and I love it 😂❤❤❤ This is really helpful content so thanks for making this video!
something similar to the bed thing Elle said happened to me too! i also (on multiple occasions at different ages) physically wrote out lists of people who i could potentially be attracted to, who i was friends with, or someone who was aesthetically attractive and picked one as my crush, which should have been a super obvious sign lmao
Hahaha, thanks for sharing! I think it’s pretty common for aces to “pick” a crush based on criteria entirely unrelated to attraction… Thanks for bringing this up (maybe we’ll have to make a part 2 with some other asexual signs, haha).
DUDE THE CRUSH THING, I used to do that too! Like, I would think about what was the most aesthetically attractive guy in my grade so when my friends asked about my crush I'd just say it was them ahah
The crush thing was me before actually experiencing romantic attraction for the first time (which had some aesthetic attraction combined but not sexual)
OMG!! I used to do it, I still doing it today to choose crushes but unintentionally, in my mind when I'm bored. But I have written those lists and asigned a maximum score to each point and even things that only rest like smoking for example. I have to say that it worked, I chose a crush based on that, I know that I've never been sexually attracted to him but he was my first big crush. Anyways, I never wanted to do anything about that because I just wanted to be able to say that I like someone, I didn't want a relationship with him or something like that. I think that I am birromantic or heterorromantic and maybe gray ace, demisexual or completely asexual. I'm only 18 so I don't have much idea of my sexual orientation but I think that I can be included in the asexual category.
I found this video really validating and comforting and related to many of the things you all said. Kaden in particular said a lot of stuff that resonated very deeply with me, like the part about just straight up forgetting that sex is an actual thing that real people engage in and being caught off guard whenever you're reminded, as well as being oblivious to innuendos. It's something that people are often amused by, and is sometimes used to infantalize me, in an "aw you're so cute and innocent and childlike because you don't understand sex" sort of way, and it really annoys me. My dad thinks it's absolutely hilarious to ask me if I'm going to go through puberty anytime soon even though I'm 21, supposedly because my actual puberty did not result in any sort of desire to have sex, making it... incomplete or invalid somehow?? It's frustrating to hear things like that, especially coming from the people you love most, so I appreciate videos like this a lot, as they remind me that my lack of sexual attraction does not make me incomplete and that sex is not a necessary part of a happy and fulfilling adult life.
In high school I had no idea asexuality existed. I always assumed that I would want to have sex once I got married, and even then it just didn't sound appealing. But once I learned about it (I researched it because one of my friends came out on the spectrum and I wanted to understand them better) I realized that maybe I was asexual.
My first sign was when heavy purity culture felt easy. Almost too easy. I didn’t recognize it as such at the time since chastity and abstinence were what we were supposed to be doing but I never had any of the alleged temptations that youth pastors and youth mentors in the church warned us would come.
I'm not asexual but was just curious what the experience is like and just want to say, you all are so lovely and welcoming. I always feel so reassured and happy discovering spaces like this where people reassure others that all sorts of ranges of experience are valid.
I knew i was asexual and aromantic because i was very interested in fictional romance and stuff but when it comes to reality, i get awkward and stuff. The fact that i also find it hard to tag along with others trying to fit in with their romance conversations. I also tried fitting in and taggeed along and flirted for to a few but later on, i found out i never really developed the feelings but in the end im choosing to accept it
One time in class I talked about how Romeo and Juliet is a bad story and if they stopped sucking face for five minutes and processed things properly maybe they'd have made it out alive and someone literally looked at me and said "who hurt you?" I knew very well that I was aroace before watching this video, but I love ace content and seeing other people look at their retrospective obvious signs is interesting.
I was shocked in college once when a friend complained her bad mood was a result of not having had sex in "sooo long;" that it had been a few weeks. Everyone in the room made agreeable noises and I just sat there like... PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX? It was so outside the realm of anything that would have come to my mind at that moment, even if you had challenged me to list possibilities I never would have brushed up against a sexual explanation.
I should have realized I was aro-grayace sooner when someone would admit they liked me like that and my first thought would be “Why? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?” Also, I didn’t realize allos don’t just pick the most aesthetically appealing person and force themselves to develop an obsession disguised as a crush, crushes just come naturally
I love this, thank you. I learned that I am fictosexual! And it is still odd to call myself it seeing I've gone between being Bi, and Pan. Thinking being sexually attracted to people was what I was supposed to be, and I have shown very few signs of being on that Ace spectrum.
I remember learning about all the different STDs you can get from having sex (even if you use protection or you're very careful or if you're both clean). But the thought I had when leaning about it is: "Well, why would you have sex in the first place?" or "What's the point of having sex if there was a high risk of getting STD or pregnancy or anything else?"
I already felt this way and then in high school 2 of my electives were microbiology and pathophysiology- after that it took years before I recovered from knowing some of what we learned. Like not having my first real kiss til I was a much older (29), all I could think about when it came to kissing for years after high school was all the germs involved. Lol.
I always found it so extremely unrealistic and annoying when characters in media would have sex in impractical situations. It always made me think that the characterization was just really bad, because why would anyone ever have sex if they were late for an important meeting?? turns out sex makes people feel some kind of way?
This really helped me because I thought I was bi at first because I thought I had a crush on some people but it turned out I just enjoyed them as a person and after watching this it made me realize I’m actually acesexual
I’m asexual and panromantic, and looking back there so many signs I’ve always been ace but just didn’t know it really cause i didn’t know what ace was. It was confusing for a while because I’ve wanted a romantic relationship so when I first learned about Ace I didn’t know the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction so I brushed it aside for a while. Then I figured out the difference between a sexual and romantic relationship and I was like wait, people actually want sex? Yeah no, not for me.
I'm ace and something romantic as well! I don't know what romantic I am, but I know I'm not aro. For me I was always confused because I could see the difference between sexual and romantic attraction through my own experiences, but it wasn't something that anyone in my circles would acknowledge and everyone seemed to treat them as the same.
I've known I was a part of the ace spectrum for about 3(?) years now and tbh I'm still not sure exactly where I lie on the spectrum but I'm just vibing here. My 'realisation' moment was actually when I found out a guy in my grade had a crush on me, and my brain went into full panic mode not only because I didn't reciprocate the feelings, but also because I knew that in relationships sex is something that happens and supposedly is a main and important part of it. (despite it literally just being a high school crush and it never going to go that deep lmao) I knew I never wanted to experience it and I'd never been in a situation where anyone had a crush on me so I was like 'Why do I feel so uncomfortable about the thought of potentially and/or eventually having to have sex with someone if I get into a relationship with them?' and so I was like whoa hey- is there something wrong with me?? Considering how over-sexualized (in my opinion) society is and how popular and common it is I definitely thought I was broken or something because I couldn't understand the appeal or the want when it came to sex. I would get uncomfortable and even sometimes visibly cringe when conversations and topics relating to sex came up around me because I just didn't like the idea of it nor did I really want to hear about it. I knew that I myself never wanted to do it or have anything to do with it for as long as I live so I never felt the need to acknowledge it properly. Then I finally realised there was a label for how I was feeling, that I wasn't some crazy, broken person and most importantly that I wasn't the only one :') Anyway sorry for going on a tangent ahaha
I'm so glad videos/resources like this exist now. We had nothing like this even in 2007 when I was a teen telling people I was "asexual" without realizing that was actually true. I just wanted folks to stop asking me about who I "liked".
yo i’m i’ve never really considered me being aspec seriously before tonight but oh my god you know that moment when you go OH! THAT MAKES SENSE! IT MAKES SENSE NOW! *screaming* i’m not sure exactly what identity exactly i fit into but i think im definitely under the asexual umbrella and while i’m getting a mix of emotions it’s just so freeing! i’m not broken :D idk why i didn’t consider it before!!
Interesting point. I (Elle), too, am neurodivergent, insecure, and an introvert with basically no dating experience, haha. They're not mutually exclusive, I guess. Also commonly co-occuring, funnily enough (just made a video on the statistical link between autism/autistic traits and queer identities).
Around a year ago I came to the conclusion, that I'm asexual. But I still find people attractive, just not in that way. Recently, I have been catching feelings for someone again (for only the second time in my life and the first time did not go so well) and it's really hard. On one hand I want to get closer to him, on the other hand I feel like I shouldn't because he would just be disappointed. I feel that as an asexual person, you have to live with the fact that for most people in this world, you're not good enough. Society makes out sex to be the "end goal" of a relationship and if you can't provide that, you don't really have that much offer. It makes it seem like what you want to share with someone is not a "real relationship".
My thing with sex is that I can think about it happening to anyone, but me. Honestly I’m starting to wonder if I’m gray sexual, or if it’s a dysphoria thing, because I’m uncomfortable with my body specifically.
I can definitely relate to so many of these I was like “are you living my life or something?” it literally sent chills over my body. especially the one where she talks about songs being all about sexual stuff. when I was little I would always sings songs about that stuff because at the time I didn’t know what all of that meant, but now that I know I don’t really like it. I try to force myself to like it because people around me also do and don’t get me wrong the music sound great but it would be better if that sexual stuff wasn’t involved in it you know? this video helped me a lot thank you for this!
This was SUPER fun and very related to the very first RUclips video idea I was thinking I might put on my own new RUclips channel here. Thanks for the fun and relatable stories throughout this! I love how at the start you made it clear no one can tell you if you're asexual or not. ;) I really like the energy you bring to this channel, all of you. This is maybe my favorite current ace RUclips channel. You feel like people who could definitely be my friends :) Also btw when you said that Not very many "aloes" click on a video like this -- FYI that looks autogenerated even if it's not lol... You may want to fix that at the very end ;)
Loved hearing about your experiences! I think this channel is a great idea :) I'll share one of my own! I only realized I was ace myself recently-- one of my signs I should have seen a lot earlier was that I could look at a picture or another person and recognize they were what other people would consider hot or sexy but not FEEL it, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty sex-neutral in general so I don't feel a repulsion towards other people being sexual. It's just not really for me :)
Same here! People would ask me what I thought of some celebrity or another, and I would frequently say "I personally don't feel the same, but I understand why!"
Totally missed being ace because I'm sex favorable very high libido and autistic with special interests in kink sex and bdsm. So for majority of partner interactions I'm indistinguishable from pan. I honestly thought most people were just shallow and lacking impulse control compared to me, based on my observations. Discovering autistic and aspec identities at 46 is very revelatory in a positive sense. Just weird I never knew but both autistic and aspec are buried under so much misiformation so it makes sense to miss it I suppose.
Oh my gosh, Elle here (pink hair), and I relate so much to this! I sort of alternatively consider myself pan because of the same sorts of things, but yeah, I’m also VERY ace. Super valid, I’m glad your self-discovery has been a positive progression for you!
That's one of the couple things in the video I couldn't relate to lol; being able to sprawl out on a giant bed all to yourself feels amazing! Now I'm wondering if that time I was really excited about getting a giant bed was misinterpreted by those around me...
@@annaairahala9462 I was super excited about this new bed frame I got when I was in my mid-20s. It's a metal frame, lots of detail, reminds me of Cinderella's pumpkin because of the way it looks. I looked at it in the store and literally thought "Cinderella! Fairy tale! It's so pretty!! I want it!" Literally EVERYONE else in my life who has ever seen it or even heard of it, "ooh, that frame is perfect for tying someone up for sexy times". WHHHY??🙄 🤣
When I was a teen, I was part of a church band that would travel around locally and sometimes get paid, or I would be asked to play with other church bands and get paid that way. I had a crush on our frontman for the longest time---- then he got a girlfriend. Since tv and movies had taught me that seeing your crush get a significant other that is not you would make you depressed and feel like your world was ending, I literally held my breath at this news, waiting to feel some type of sadness. When I started breathing again, I gave myself a hard look and tried to gauge my feelings. I felt absolutely neutral about everything and thought, "Maybe I am in shock, so the feelings will come later?" Later came, and I still felt nothing. Weeks turned to months until I forgot I had a crush on him, except whenever we had to play together, I would remember that I "thought" I had a crush on him. Maybe I just liked to hear him sing? It wasn't until last year that I learned that Asexual was a thing and that it made so much sense to identify as Ace. In conclusion, I never liked him!😂 Also, it wasn't until years later that I found out that a frontman for another church band that I would periodically play with had an actual crush on me. I just thought he was friendly. We couldn't often play together because he was based in another town, and I was still in high school. I could only go to his town in the summer. He would sometimes come to my city and play with his band, and since my parents knew his pastor well (his pastor would come over to say hi to us), he would tag along with the pastor whenever he would swing by our house. I never thought anything of it since we only ever talked about music. I never saw the signs, even when my other bandmates would ask me how long we'd been dating. I would say, "What are you talking about? We are not dating!?!?!" and give the most confused face I could give. In conclusion, I never liked him either, nor did I ever think he liked me!😅
I’m allosexual, but I did click on the vid bc I wanted to learn more about asexuality/ the asexual experience :) Ty for creating this space, vids like this seriously are so important to so many ppl
First off I just wanted to say, great video. As a semi-questioning ace teen this was super helpful. But I also wanted to say that the the resemblance between me and kaden (not sure of they spelling) is insane. It’s like looking into an asexuality affirming mirror. My face is a bit more angular but aside from that the resemblance is uncanny. Same hair color, same hair length, same general body type, it’s like we could be doppelgängers
Brennem, are you my space-ace twin?! That is hilarious, and I’m so happy to hear that my presence is affirming! (You’re so insanely valid.) We are totally doppelgängers, haha. This very much made my day to hear, so thank you. -Kaden.
I feel like there were 2 moments of aro ace awakening in my life the first one was when I realized that the crush I thought I had in middle school wasn't in fact a crush. I thought this one guy from my class was pretty cool personality wise and I just wanted to chat and maybe hang out but it was hard for me to approach him because despite being classmates we barely knew each other and I had anxiety. I thought that you are supposed to feel nervous around your crush so I thought "oh, that's what's going on" despite the fact that literally no romantic let alone sexual feelings were actually involved. The second one was when my mom asked me if I'm a lesbian. I thought no, I'm not interested in women but if you want to think that I'm one I won't stop you, at least you won't expect me to bring a boy home one day because that sure as hell ain't happening......ah, I see, so that's what's going on here
I already know I'm ace and I loved listening to your stories and experiences, especially since right now I don't know any other ace person irl. It felt great to see other people similar to me. And maybe kinda off topic but you're all really pretty in my opinion :) Have a great week!
Have you seen our video about how neurodivergence affects sexuality? It is quite common for autistic people identify as asexual, and queer in general! Thanks for commenting!!
7:51 tbf there's other reasons to enjoy a bigger bed, more room can be nice and so can platonic sleepovers! Lol js tho you're probably right about what your parents were thinking, but there's nothing "wrong" with having a slightly bigger bed than you might "need" not is there anything wrong with your twin bed (especially the bunks as that accomplishes the same task of the platonic sleepovers, but it still takes two mattresses which can be more expensive than a larger single mattress)
Ohhh the mention of tracking sex like a chore! I've done this in all my relationships, saying (to myself and others) it was purely for health reasons. But looking back and being honest it was really to make sure I was "having it enough", like my "goal" was once a week, and I thought that if I achieved that I would enjoy it more and be a good girlfriend. But doing that actually made me resent the activity and whole sex business altogether. Like it felt comparable to flossing or doing the dishes, I don't want to do it but I know I should do it. I highly doubt allo people feel like this 🙈
When I very first started learning about sex as a thing that happened, my teacher decided to introduce the idea of contraception because otherwise we were just being told sex=baby. When asked how people could not have a baby, I put my hand up and said not have sex. She said while right, that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. I couldn’t understand why anyone would have sex without the intention of getting pregnant for years after. That probably should have been my first clue to my aceness.
I remember seeing a tumblr post that said “if you’re a girl and you say you don’t like masturbating then you’re lying” and I was so confused bc I had never masturbated at that point and never had any desire to.
I am definetely NOT asexual but watching this was very interesting! I am interested in this topic in general and it is definetely not acknowledged enough… I see these sings in a few of my friends and they do confuse me sometimes but it makes me kinda mad that most people don’t even try to understand and tolerate it and people keep calling these friends “childish“ or just say that puberty will hit them eventually and they will understand it all soon and that always sets me off.. Watching this also made me understand them better :)
I'm at a weird point in my life where I kind of like someone, but whenever I like someone it's in the mushy friendship way where I just wanna hang out a lot and talk. And I feel like it would be hard for me to go beyond that. It's easy to hug close family. It's hard to hug other people.
literally when anyone asks my sexuality i never know what to say so i just say “oh i don’t care” than right then and their they’ll just label me as “OH SO UR PANSEXUAL/BISEXUAL”
it actually makes me so pissed cuz i feel everyone needs to label everything, and then when i would open up about ur asexual it’s like everyone tries to find any “crack” to prove that im not so i don’t know if this is part of the asexual experience where suddenly your sexuality is everyone’s business
I was romantically attracted to another boy called Josh once. Now that I think about it, I didn’t want to sleep with him in the sexual way. I did want to marry him though. So yeah, I’m probably asexual. To this day I still love him. And I still am very jealous of his girlfriend for him falling in love with her instead of me.
A large majority of sexual innuendo makes no sense to me. It never occurred to me that this was an ace thing until I saw this video. I also avoid sexual songs too. It just feels wrong to me and makes me feel repulsed. Thank you so much for the clarity… 🙏🏽🙏🏽phewwww I feel I can breathe again because so much of this information makes sense. Thank you so much🙏🏽🙏🏽🌈🌈🌈💫✨
I really relate to Kaden with forgetting sex is a thing and being caught off-guard 😅 I have to conciously remind myself its that thing that other people do.
You have no idea how happy I am I discovered your page. I identify as panromantic demisexual and I have never Met people that are asexual and for a while it made me feel lonely. Like no one quite understood the way I felt so it makes me feel happier and less alone now I've seen people with similar things to me :)
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
To those who are still questioning but couldn't relate to some or most of the signs in this video,
It's important to keep in mind that asexuality is a spectrum and that there are so many different identities under the asexual umbrella, you probably just haven't found the one that best describes you. I second-guessed myself for several months before I finally accepted that aspect of my identity. My advice is to know yourself, but also acknowledge that how it manifests in you may be different from others and that all are completely valid!
I'm 60 years-old and I've been asexual all my life. And I think you kids are alright.
why thank you! that’s so sweet! -Lau
Thanks Jim !
Thank you 💖
That’s so awesome, idk if I’m asexual yet but I told my parents about it and they kept saying it’s “not natural” and something that people grow out of :/
@@snegluf doesn’t matter bc asexuality will pass the test of time. OP is the prime example 👴🏻
I spent high school thinking that my teenage hormones that everyone was talking about would kick in aaaannnnyyy day now. They did not. Still haven't kicked in years and years later. I'm just asexual.
This! I just assumed i “had” to be straight and stared at guys i like with my head waiting for “butterflies” that never arrived 😅
S A M E
If it's any consolation, I'm now 51 years old, been married for 21 years with a teenage son, and I'm *still* waiting for mine to kick in. Luckily I have a very understanding and loving husband, and we have many other things in our relationship that keep us bonded. 😊
haha yesss this is exactly how i became aware of my sexuality
@@genevieve4679 Same here. Middle school was particularly traumatizing for me because that's when kids started to get crushes on the opposite sex, while both still had "cooties" to me. Then high school, and I was worried because if I obviously wasn't physically attracted to the sex I was "supposed" to like, I thought that made gay, which I knew I definitely wasn't, either, naively assuming that we all "had to" be either one or the other. But as an adult, I learned about asexuality. More than 20 years since, and still waiting for these hormones to kick in, too. 😆 So that's a sign which one I am.
In high school I thought my lack of attraction meant I was more mature than anyone else. Like I knew that relationships from high school don't work out so I didn't get into them, and all the kids who got into relationships just didn't know any better. Only as an adult did I realize that all those people experiences attraction, which is a powerful driving force that often pushes beyond my cold 'logic'...
This is quite literally exactly how I felt in high school!!
That’s how I feel at the moment
@@amyk970 heyyyy welcome to the club
Okay maybe I’m ace
@@brighidcampbell491 yooooo
I know I am asexual because I get very uncomfortable when I know someone is sexualizing me. I am into yoga so often times I have on yoga pants and a crop top or something and people will tell me that I look good or whatever and it makes me uncomfortable. A while ago I lost a lot of weight. I was discussing this with a friend and he said, “well, you are the one that wanted to look good.” I said, “yeah, for me not for someone else.” 🤷🏻♀️
Funny how some allos seem to think personal improvement is a stepping stone to sexual appeal…. Thanks for commenting!
I feel a lot like this too! it makes me feel so uncomfy to think of them perceiving me in that way -Lau
@@SpaceyAces same
I'm demisexual and I feel the same way.
I like when people say I look good... Unless I feel like they're saying it in a sexual way... hahaha
For exemple, my ex-boyfriend told me he dreamed about be having short hair and that being very sexy, like years ago, (and we are still friends, but) I still haven't told him I cut my hair short, and I hate the thought of him seeing me with short hair... hahaha
So, here is something that is taboo.
In my teen years I had a high libido. I broke down sexual encounters as 'okay, after a certain point of dating, we should do this' and I would schedule it but take care of myself. I was very sex knowledgeable and I enjoyed doing sexual acts because it gave me emotional satisfaction that they were happy. I thought that was what sex was... I don't really enjoy the actual act of penetrative sex and see it as very medical. Like an antidepressant for my partner. I don't care for an orgasm and often get annoyed if I get physically aroused. It's a chore to me. I do understand that others have sexual needs and I am willing to do those sexual things. However, I get the same response to having a good cup of tea when sexual acts are done to me. I understand that it feels good but I would much rather have tea.
I'm 30 now. I still enjoy songs with sex in them and sexualized media. I can see the appeal in all of it but I see it as an art form. Sexual poetry isn't bad because of sex, it's bad because the metaphors aren't great.
I wanted to post my experience as an asexual because it isn't typical. I hope it helps someone.
It helps me. Thanks for commenting. I think... I'm a little bit like you.
Thank you for posting this! I’ve been wondering if I might be on the ace spectrum, but none of the labels floating out there really seem to fit me. Your comment resonates with my experience the most so far, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you! It helped me a lot!!
It actually helped! Rn I feel like I'm doing a puzzle that I don't know the kind of or what picture it is and you just gave me like 3 pieces I didn't know I was looking for! Thank you for sharing! I'm happy for you how you've found yourself.
I am definitely not asexual, but my girlfriend is so I am here to learn more about being ace.
Same fam
Goood peopleee 🙏🏻
Thanks for being so considerate for her! It's people like you who care that make the world a better place.
We love this, need more people like you around :))
thank you for being so considerate! we aces always appreciate someone making the effort to learn about us instead of just assuming they know everything
I really relate to the “sexy is just edgy pretty” thing. I’ve always felt that way. I still feel that way about the adjective “sexy.”
Same
Me too! She just put words to something I could never explain
😭😭
I realised I was ace after being asked millions of times if I’ve seen any “cute boys” and finally realising that I had absolutely no idea
I've had a few celebrity crushes throughout my life but was never attracted to anyone I know.
Honestly many people are not worth being liked 😅
@@aprillynn6221 Me too! Most of my crushes in my lifetime were celebrities or people I hardly knew! If it was someone I did know, it was mostly a platonic interest, or a conscious effort to decide which boy in my class was the most attractive, appealing, etc. I wonder if there's a specific orientation or aro/ace label relating to only being attracted to strangers or fiction? Maybe aego?
I’ve recently started wondering about myself because my answer was always “nope” because any that were cute were “hmmm he’s cute I guess, I wonder if he’s a suitable candidate for dating… oh nvm he has a girlfriend *completely forgets about him in any form of dating sense*”
@@christineburk4026 mine were all fictional characters that I think I just low key really wanted to be 😭
Jack Frost, Peter Parker, Ash Ketchum. All of them I liked because they were “cool” or “smart”
I wanna be cool and smart to other people too though-
I realized I'm ace like five years ago, I just clicked in this video bc I knew it would be nice to watch! It feels so good when I can relate to another person in this subject, thanks for that! here are some experiences I have being ace:
1. Being a more feminine-gendered person, I feel very comfortable consuming male homosexual content. This started when I was 13. Many thought I watched it because I was just a horny teen (like if I was watching it in the same way people watch porn), but looking back, mlm content was my way of connecting with sex and typical romantic love without being directly involved in it. In fact, mlm stories are still comfort for me, as neither the stories nor the characters nor the sexual situations reflect me as a person, which allows me to fully enjoy it without being uncomfortable.
2. I am very interested in sex as a concept. I'm going to give a strange example, but imagine a fictional story about a murderer. You can say "wow, what an interesting way to approach the subject; this scene is aesthetically pleasing; this character's desires are very well addressed; it's conceptually intriguing, dark, mysterious..." But you wouldn't murder a person irl. U get my point, right? Seeing it correctly captured in fiction pleases me a lot, I even find it fascinating, but I would never actually do it in real life.
3. This one is hard to explain, but I find it a bit unfortunate that sensuality is so closely related to sex. Sometimes I wish I could hold a person's face, or hug them, or caress them, or kiss them; in the same way that I appreciate a beautiful animal, a beautiful flower, a work of art or even my own body, which I can touch without compromise. My point is: it's sad that I can't sensorially express my love for another person without those acts being considered as part of a sexual ritual. I have a lot of physical love to offer, I just don't tolerate the idea that such displays of affection are tied to sex.
these are the ones that came to my mind rn. have a good dayy :p
(sorry if my eng is not good).
That’s how I feel too. When I see Gay men in love it seems cute but when a straight guy approaches me in the same way, it feels wrong. I’m not straight, bi or lesbian but Demi-auto. The lack of potential involvement really makes the love between two other people much more beautiful to me🌸🌸🌸
Yes
Thank you for sharing
I remember ppl thought it was weird when I didn't have sexual tendencies in middle school through high-school and last year I realized I could be just ace. I love the softer side of romance not really the sexual side.
I didn't understand why people wanted to have sex if you could get pregnant or an STI. I didn't get it all and one girl didn't appreciate in class when i said "just don't have sex" when talking about STI. Like I'm like, it's easy not to do that. appearantly not...
Personally, I found out I was ace when I realized I had an "out of body" feeling every time I made out with a partner.
It didn't matter how intense or pleasurable it was, I'd always be hyper-aware of the fact that I'm doing "an action."
No ecstasy, no mortifying worry, no blushy embarrassment, no repulsion, just... this is a thing I'm doing.
I loved my partners a *lot* romantically, but sexually? I was just checked out entirely unless it got uncomfortable.
Same here! I've had sex with partners in the past and I always felt detached from it, as if I wasn't the one experiencing it. I also went about in a very scientific way, thinking "Oh okay, so if I do this, then the reaction will be that", never really being guided by intuition or want.
Nope, I am asexual too and this happens to me all the time as well. This is not dissociation - this is your thoughts wandering off while absent-mindedly doing something. When you wash the dishes, stare out of the window and daydream at the same time, you wouldn't call that dissociation, now would you?
@@ethan_the_alien I still think you're dramatising the whole thing. I just let my mind wander and do not pay attention to the whole experience because I am quite literally bored out of my mind.
Similar. During sex I am imagining that I am not me, but my friend who is very much sexual and can’t go without sex for a day (has two lovers and uses sex toys all the time). So by pretending to be her I kinda try to immerse in sensation that I’m enjoying it..
@@dianafarber That is equally genius and sad.
I grew up very religious, and one day they had a "girls talk, guys talk" in youth (basically sex ed from church but a sleep over and it got *very* personal). At one point 12-year old me was just very confused and asked "why would anyone have sex outside of marriage? That literally makes no sense." In my mind, sex was only used for making babies, you would only want a baby if you were stable, stability came from being married/ having someone who would provide while you were pregnant/on leave- so you would only logically have sex if you were married.
I got a lot of weird looks and the "someday you'll understand" speech.... I am in my 20s, I still don't understand
yeah for me it was the same exept I got a HUGE superiorety complex becuse I thot I was better then everyone for not EVER faling into sin. lol
@@novasvendsen4226 omg, same. Until I met my first openly queer friend- I honestly thought I was just...better than the other youth members at my church because I didn't have the same "temptations" as them. That queer friend also helped start me on the transition to atheism- and I will forever be grateful for them opening my eyes in more ways than one.
When i found out how much efort and mess sex included i litterally said out loud "I wish there was a skip button for that, it looks so tiring"
Haha, that is definitely a little ace…
So relatable. I littery will not do the work 😂 I think it's called being a "Pillow Princess". I get bored quickly, then start thinking about what I need to get at the store or what I want to have for dinner. 😅
I was confused about my sexuality for a long time because I enjoy feeling and looking "sexy", and sex in theory didn't seem that bad (in hindsight thinking it didn't seem "that bad" should've been a sign), but any time I was put in a sexual situation with guys I've dated I would get super uncomfortable. I also went through a phase of "I don't want to have sex with guys, so am I a lesbian?" which corresponded with with my confusion about the difference between aesthetic and sexual attraction. It took me asking myself, "if a fortune teller told you that you will never have sex with anyone, how would you feel?" and my reaction being indifference and even relief to really feel comfortable with identifying as ace.
Same. Being Ace made being a stripper and cage dancer realy fun and not breaking the "no touching" club rule easy to uphold. 😂 I'm so not tempted and I love wearing edgy clothes and raving/dancing.
I think I'm definitely either asexual or gray-ace, and to me sexual activities just sound very awkward and unnecessary
Literally screamed at 9:12 when Kaden said, "...acknowledging its existence as a concept, very far removed. Realizing it actually happens can be difficult..." I've never felt soseen in my life.
glad our video could make you feel seen!
Even not being asexual, I can sometimes feel this way for other reasons, like growing up in a conservative religious household where sex was just never discussed, being isolated from a lot of people, or just living with more western concepts of shaming sexuality so that it feels like it’s all only behind closed doors or in porn (which often doesn’t feel real). If you aren’t an active participant in sexual encounters, it can feel like something that only… pseudo exists?
Met up with a friend and they told me they slept with someone a couple nights ago, i was like "oh, who was it?" Expecting it to be mutual, Then they said it was someone they had just met for the first time that day i was just like 'wow' is this what people do?
To me, sexual touch is just a way to express affection to a partner. It feels nice physically to a certain degree, but I really don't get what people are talking about when they go like "oh I haven't had sex in 3 months I need to get laid" like.... what? Why? Do you really crave touch that badly? Is that craving a universal experience?
I didn’t realize this was just a me thing. I always thought it was impulse control.
wait this is lowkey me
As someone solidly into adulthood let me attest that having a larger bed becomes a necessity for many people and it has nothing to do with another bed partner. As your body ages and becomes more prone to aches and pains and stiffness, being able to stretch out, roll or change position becomes really important to feeling good and not in pain. I find it entirely possible your parents, despite being allosexual, were just looking out for your future self. :)
ps. bunk beds really are everything though. Queen sized bunk beds need to become a thing.
Haha, well, good to know. Thanks for commenting! - Elle
A bigger bed is also good space for your cat pillow collection (i have a problem lol)
i’m a sleep stretcher, i’ve been told that whenever i sleep on a large bed (like in hotels and stuff) i am fully across the entire bed the whole time, so having a small bed is pretty annoying. i second the need for queen sized bunk beds
On the other side of this, I’m 30 and downsized to a twin bed a couple years ago (in a separate room from my partner) and I love my cozy little bed and comforter so much. Cuddles do require going to his room and queen-sized bed, though 😂
@@rebcca100 Yesss this is the way!! I'm the same with my boyfriend.
I wasn't born asexual. I lost sexual attraction because of sexual assault. I'm 16 male and I was assaulted last year. Before the assault, I always loved women and i was attracted to them more than anyone. I dont know why these things happened but I'm proud to be Ace ❤🏳️🌈
Really sorry to hear that. It sounds like you may be requiesexual.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! :( I completely understand why you are put off sexual stuff right now but I think you can work through this with a therapist or if you can’t afford one right now, somebody you can talk to who you trust. I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings but if the reasoning for you becoming ace is because of something as terrible as this, then I think you should look into it more. I’m so sorry again.
@@Abigail.444 thank you for your kind words! Yea, I always wonder, if this trauma is healed completely, will I be able to enjoy sexual stuff again.
I no longer have symptoms of trauma such as flashbacks and panic attacks but my sexual attraction doesnt seems like their getting back.
I get aroused rarely tho. But that feeling is just couple of seconds and goes away.
@@matt_dawg747 Only one way to find out! You’ll come out of this I promise. I believe in you! ❤️
Sexuality is a weird thing. Who you are can never be chosen, but sometimes developmental experiences (yes, even trauma) can influence your sexual and romantic preferences.
Of course, sexuality is RARELY trauma based.. but it seems for you it was, and that’s ok :)
No matter what happens regarding your sexuality, I’m glad you’ve found a community you belong in
i’ve known i was ace since i was in elementary school. i just didnt know the word for it
i still had crushes on people, but not in the way everyone else described it. mine felt more like wanting to be with someone at all times rather than thinking someone’s attractive and drooling over them
anyway i relate so much to all of these stories hah! its nice to have an open space to be myself like this channel especially when people like my mom think that my asexuality is invalid because im only in eighth grade (if i felt sexual attraction i’m sure i would’ve had some sort of internal sexual awakening by now??)
Yes exactly! I get romantic and emotional crushes, but never just on someone who is considered conventionally physically attractive. They have to have done something especially funny/cool/interesting/nice for me to be at all interested in them, and I honestly could not care less what someone looks like. Can you make me laugh? Are you a nice person? Do we share the same values? Only after I find out if we are compatible in every way will I ever start to feel sexually attracted to them. I have decided to identify as bisexual demisexual, but even that doesn’t quite feel right all the time. All I know is I’m definitely NOT aromantic. I’m more of a hopeless romantic.
@@loverrlee perhaps you are demisexual biromantic? I totally get what you’re saying though. It’s like if you splattered paint across the ace-spectrum identifiers, that’s me. I’m myrsexual panromantic.
I am an adult, but I totally understand where you're coming from.
I had my first menses at age 9. So by the time I'd gotten to 8th grade I should have experienced sexual attraction as well, especially having what at the time was probably a moderate libido. I was like you also in that once I got older, my very first real crush at age 17 was more about wanting to spend more time with the person. Eventually, maybe holding hands/cuddling, buying them gifts. Never thought sexually about them even though I did have a sex drive. I thought I was broken because I couldn't understand fundamentally what some of my friends were saying when it came to attraction. Especially when they talked about someone being "hot". What does that even mean? Lol. And somehow just looking at their crush put them in a fantasy/arousal state of mind? What even? I always kind of thought of people like furniture. Like objectively, I know people look different, and some are better-looking than others. And some are more comfortable to be around. But I don't have a sexual attraction to furniture, or to people 🤣
But at age 24, the circumstances were just right, and I had my first experience of something resembling feelings of actual sexual attraction - and to someone I didn't know. It was legitimately a life-altering moment for me. Since then I've experienced some level of sexual attraction to a person a couple of other times. Once when I was 29, and another time when I was 35. But it is preceded by an emotional attraction, mental attraction, then esthetic attraction. And SOMETIMES that may mean a base level of sexual attraction can result. It's definitely not a guarantee.
I am 39 now and identify as asexual, and I believe I've always been asexual - but have experienced periods in my life of being demi/graysexual.
A lot of these signs apply to me and I’ve been questioning whether I’m asexual for a couple of years. I am on the younger side so I’m not 100% sure about it.
How does sexual attraction even work? Do people look at someone and just know they want to have sex? Seems arbitrary to me. I don’t know if I’m too young to have experienced sexual attraction or if I’m ace. I’m a freshman in high school. I’d love an answer if anyone is able to give one. :)
Well, we can’t exactly tell you for sure if you’re ace, but one sure way of knowing is simply identifying with it. So if you identify as asexual, you are asexual, regardless of your age. Sexuality is also fluid, so even if you do come to experience sexual attraction later on, you can still identify as ace in the time being, especially if that makes you feel more comfortable with yourself and your identity. Hope this helps. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Thank you so much! Your videos have really helped me organize my thoughts and feelings.
@H Best advice 💯💯💯
I’m in the same position. I’ve just decided to see what happens? Idk. Good luck figuring it out though!
TD;LR: As you go through highschool allow yourself to be your own person. Riding the wave solo can give you the space to grow.
Define what your boundaries are and demand that they be respected. If people try to cross them, even if they're closer friends, be there for yourself and don't budge on your non-negotiables.
If peer pressure is weighing on you and you want to try to fit in to what everyone else is doing. Check in with yourself...is it what YOU want for yourself..stick to what is right for you... Bc ppl can only love who you show up as and if you find love from ppl who only support who you are pretending to be then you will inevitably lose yourself while gaining their favor.
Friendships don't have to be lost over things when ppl can mutually respect each other's different ways of life.
Being young and not knowing everything is a given but one's truth is so innate that even in youth there is so much that can be known about oneself. Aka you're never too young to know what your inner truth is. Be assured in yourself and don't let people make you feel crazy and that they know you more than you know yourself (what they know should instead be confirmation on what you already feel) in a means of taking advantage of u and what not. It's also okay for you to change as you grow into legal adulthood life can flow as phases so if what is right for you rn doesn't quite fit later on that's totally fine too it's a natural way of growth.
The urge to cave into peer pressure didn't hit me until high school so I was very much trying to fit in as much as I could...and in my experience of highschool and maybe lowkey generally my friends and the people around me really started to put themselves out there in having their beginning experiences with romance and sexuality..and I wanted to be like them, and put myself out there in similar ways, bc yk fomo I wanted to be in on what the craze was ab. All I'm saying is that I'd wish I held true to myself more. Hence why I wrote this long af comment in hopes to help you with your highschool days..
🫂💙
While I am asexual, I have a high libido. I often view it as a chore that gets in the way or a simple distraction, like an itch. sometimes I scratch at it and sometimes I just ignore it and hope it stops bothering me. And sometimes I override it with cake.
But I have never felt attraction toward people. I honestly always thought people would exaggerate when they get excited over things like how someone looks. Like, in an old movie or tv show, you see someone walk in dress nicely, and people in the crowd wolf whistle or go “ooohh”. I never thought people were actually attracted to that, more that they were playing it up or something.
I always knew I was “wired different” every since I was young. I didn’t learn about asexuality until I was in therapy at 38 and my counselor suggested I look up asexuality. It was as if a huge weight was lifted! It was so freeing to know there’s nothing “wrong” with me.
It's so cool to see this many people having the same experiences as me!!
My whole life I thought a crush was enjoying a person's company in general?? To fit in I PICKED any popular boy (comp het yay) in a room to "crush on". Then I started thinking I was bisexual since I felt the same way (neutral) towards men and women. When someone finally explained sexual attraction to me as a daily experience I was so confused
Вау, какая знакомая история)) Хотя я до сих пор без понятия, что есть сексуальное влечение.
I thought I was bisexual too before learning about asexuality, turns out I was panromantic I guess.
This is way too relatable. I also identified as bisexual before I learned what demisexual is…
@@ws6778 Is panromantic a catch all term for bisexual demisexual? Because if so thank you!! I think this is the word I’ve been looking for my whole life! 😭🙏
@@loverrlee no, panromantic is the romantic counterpart for pansexual.
Bisexual and demisexual are too different things but somebody can be both things: demi-bi-sexual.
I'm not asexual and unfortunately don't know anyone who is, but I'm here to learn so I can have a better understanding for all future encounters with ace peoples
Thanks for being an ally! ❤️
Ive been questioning if I'm asexual for years, and the few times I've mentioned it to friends, I get dismissed. These same friends have teased me for years for not seeking out sex with people/not being sexually attracted to people. I super relate to forgetting sex exists. And the accidentally making sexual sounding jokes and everyone laughing. I appreciate this video a lot. Thank you all
we accept you and your lack of attraction-Lau
Having a lager bed can be nice. There's so much space to lay around on, and room for more blankets, pillows, cats and so on.
And books. It's always nice to have a pile of books by my side 📚
I've got tons of shit piled on the other side of my bed.
something this got me thinking about, ive been describing my attraction to people as being the same as elementry school crushes. like im obsessive from a distance and i love any attention they give me and i just wanna spend time with them, if they hold my hand or kiss me i might get butterflies but thats it. no further thoughts or desires, im satisfied with that
I really relate to the whole ”sex exists catching you off guard” that’s how I realized I am Aromantic. Every time someone asks me if I have a partner yet it makes me realize that it’s something others expect of me. I have no want or need of a partner, I love seeing others in happy couples but don’t understand why I should want one myself, I’d much rather just have a couple of close friends
💙I agree with you, Puan. I'm happy for others if they get a boyfriend or girlfriend or get married, but I don't want to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or get married.
Feeling like sex was a chore is something I relate to so much. Most of my experiences I've been kinda drunk. After college I just stopped having sex. I think part of it was peer pressure to be sexual.
girl this is also part of r@pe culture, that women must be sexually available for men! don't let anyone pressure you to do something you're not comfortable with
Lol yup I realized the same. Except I am still a virgin. I never have been drunk lol. I don't seek sex. I found it strange when men saw an attractive woman, they would go crazy and change their behaviors to gain some type of favor.
Could I have sex and find fun in it, probably. If it's on a schedule, we both get checked, and not spontaneous. Do I need it. No. I actually find more enjoyment painting people. I'd do that over sex any day.
Hello Spacey Aces! I'm an allosexual mama who is on a continuous quest for knowledge. (One of my adult kids is confirmed demisexual.) Anyway, I'm a new subscriber because y'all are a great resource.
Also, y'all are valid and awesome! ❤️🙏🏳️🌈
Thank you so much to all of you for being so candid. There needs to be more conversation about asexuality. I'm in my 50s and I can relate to all of this. The most annoying thing for me about sex when I was dating after divorce was these people just patronizing me and telling me oh you just haven't met the right person yet and in dates it was like you need someone like ME! So degrading. smh. I can remember back in gradeschool the time of boy crazy girls and girl crazy guys and none of it interested me. I just wanted to play video games. I never dreamed of my perfect wedding, hell I never even wanted to get married but somehow I did because it was just "expected". Dating has been frustrating because people just wanna jump in bed so I bought a black ring. In doing this I hope it attracts someone like me to me.
Hi! I already knew I’m ace but I loved hearing all of your stories about your experiences! I don’t know too many aces irl so it’s nice to find people who have had similar experiences as me. Also, I love how you’re creating a great ace space on the internet :). Have a great day / night!
Thank you so much for watching! I’m glad you could relate, and can appreciate the space we’ve made here. ❤️
thank you so much for saying that! it means a lot and I hope you find yourself back at this safe space again sometime! -Lau
asexuality was the first label I identified with (but I don't anymore). at the time it was really important to me to feel like at least I had someone to relate to. eventually I got diagnosed with autism and realised maybe my experience is just... different from the norm because of that so I just stopped labelling myself at all. I'm very happy in my relationship, I enjoy sexual experiences, and I feel good about being the way I am (at least in that regard).
I'm happy to see you create such a nice space for people who are lost like I was, and also people who are confident in their asexuality! keep up the good work
This video did help me completely understand that I’m asexual. When I turned 20 I realized that I never went through that sexual attraction or tendencies (???) in high school. Never had a relationship, never wanted a relationship, never wanted to be physical with anyone sexually. To To this day, I’ve never been attracted to someone like that, it was just a small crush being “oh their cute.” That only happened twice in middle school and once in elementary. When Elle said that if you feel weird about being in a relationship and having a sexually partner, your probably asexual. That hit me really hard it was true. Possibly considering I might be aro? Idk since I do love romance and want that special someone. Anyways, thanking for sharing your experiences and helping me with my own!
Cake for evrybody! Overcome your crisis and be what you are.
👇🍰
I'm 31 and currently in the frantic Internet research rabbit hole. Literally ALL of these I can relate to! Thank you for this video. It was really helpful!
I'm kind of a late bloomer, I only realized I was ace at 25 and until that point, I struggled a lot with my self-image and trying to fit in a mold that I inherently felt was bad for me. It's just so good to see the generation that comes after us has better resources like your videos and probably realize their identity much sooner, possibly not getting into a lot of uncomfortable situations I did in the years I thought I was simply straight. Anyway, looking back now in the possession of more wisdom, there were a lot of signs I could have noticed.
- I have always found sex in the media kind of icky. I was more than okay about looking at blood and gore on the screen in medical dramas or horror movies, but had to look away every time a couple was doing something even minimally sexual (like, even passionate kissing was doing it for me).
- I was masturbating regularly, but my triggers weren't even remotely sexual. They weren't even about other people.
- Being an only child and therefore spending a lot of my time with adults, I considered myself more emotionally mature than my peers in most areas. I also matured early physically, starting my period at 11. Considering these it was really odd to hear from everyone that I was unable to lock down even a date in high school beacuse I was 'not ready' for a relationship.
- I was really into religion for a while and I was A-okay with the thought of waiting for sex until marriage. Honestly, the biggest doubt I was having about the concept is if I will actually want to have sex with my partner in marriage.
- It took well into my university years when I had friends who were more open about their sex lives to realize people are actually attracted to others that way (I kind of assumed it's just a thing that people say but they don't actually mean it) and most people my age actually do want to have sex with other people. Until that point I was completely blindsided to these concepts.
- When I tried dating straight guys later, it always ended after a couple months, mostly by me breaking up with them (one time it was mutual), because I was simply mortified by them kissing me. I had mini panick attacks and regularly felt disconnecting from my body during the whole thing. It happened every time with multiple guys and did not improve with time.
I've had such a similar experience! Literally every bullet point describes some aspect of what I've felt.
@@julievdr Thanks Julie! It's very reassuring to know that you have a similar experience. :)
OMG I relate so much to the part of being more mature than most people of my age! I thought only me experienced that! coincidence or not, I am also only child and had my periods very early (10) kkkkk I remember in my teens or even as an older child I preferred the adults' conversation than the conversations of people my age, they were just so uninteresting and boring kkkk
For a while I felt inexplicably connected to the asexual label, but didn't seem to actually fit into it. That is, until I found out about aegosexuality. Knowing about the label helped me figure myself out just a tad bit more, and it was nice to find out there's a community of people that experience things the way I do.
I only stumbled upon the micro label because I clicked on someone's pronoun.page link in their bio, and they had it listed as one of their identities.
Weird how the small action of clicking on a link led to me discovering something about myself. Also kinda beautiful how someone doing the somewhat vulnerable act of sharing their identity publicly is the main reason I realized I also shared that identity
great vid! i was wonder if this could be a sign too. i’m still in school. my friends talk about how they would like to do sexual things with their crushes/ partners. it makes me uncomfortable to think of a crush of mine in that way. when i do have a crush (which is rare tbh) i literally can’t imagine doing anything sexual with them. all i want to do is hold their hand, or have meaningful a conversation.
I have struggled with wondering about my sexuality because I am bisexual but I think also demisexual, so I do expedience sexual feelings but very very rarely. I only really feel sexual towards people I’ve been romantically or emotionally attracted to (I understand aesthetic attraction in theory but a purely aesthetic attraction does not necessarily mean I’ll be sexually attracted) and when I am in love with my partner, I enjoy sex. So for the longest time I didn’t think I was on the asexual spectrum, but now I do think I actually am because I could relate to a lot of what was mentioned in this (sex and/or masturbation feeling more like a chore, for example) and I have never felt the desire to sleep with a stranger (no shade to those who do, it’s just not my thing). I feel seen and understood by this video. Thank you for making this video. 💗💗💗
Okay also thanks to this thread I now know what panromantic is and I think that describes me pretty well! 💗💗💗
I feel the same about aesthetic attraction! I've actually experienced aesthetic, sexual and romantic attraction very separated.
Aesthetic attraction is huge for me-I could look at people all day, draw them, fall a little in love with the way their one front tooth crosses the other a bit or their nose scrunches when they get excited or whatever it may be, but that’s not gonna get me anywhere really beyond a piece of art.
That's pretty much me; I enjoy masturbation, but I'd only have sex with someone I trusted.
not wanting to sleep with strangers doesn't make a person assexual...
I already know I'm aroace, and I've known for a long time. But still, listening to other aroace experiences makes me feel normal and it's something I can relate to, and after a long day of being in a sex-based society that confuses me, it's kinda like a break in a way.
Omg sexy does mean edgy pretty, this is the best definition of the word I've found and I love it 😂❤❤❤
This is really helpful content so thanks for making this video!
This is beyond helpful. There were things you said that I didn’t even realize were Ace related that I did growing up
We’re so glad it was helpful for you! 😊
something similar to the bed thing Elle said happened to me too! i also (on multiple occasions at different ages) physically wrote out lists of people who i could potentially be attracted to, who i was friends with, or someone who was aesthetically attractive and picked one as my crush, which should have been a super obvious sign lmao
Hahaha, thanks for sharing! I think it’s pretty common for aces to “pick” a crush based on criteria entirely unrelated to attraction… Thanks for bringing this up (maybe we’ll have to make a part 2 with some other asexual signs, haha).
DUDE THE CRUSH THING, I used to do that too! Like, I would think about what was the most aesthetically attractive guy in my grade so when my friends asked about my crush I'd just say it was them ahah
Jaiden Animations pointed that in her video comming out as aroace in her channel.
The crush thing was me before actually experiencing romantic attraction for the first time (which had some aesthetic attraction combined but not sexual)
OMG!! I used to do it, I still doing it today to choose crushes but unintentionally, in my mind when I'm bored. But I have written those lists and asigned a maximum score to each point and even things that only rest like smoking for example. I have to say that it worked, I chose a crush based on that, I know that I've never been sexually attracted to him but he was my first big crush. Anyways, I never wanted to do anything about that because I just wanted to be able to say that I like someone, I didn't want a relationship with him or something like that.
I think that I am birromantic or heterorromantic and maybe gray ace, demisexual or completely asexual. I'm only 18 so I don't have much idea of my sexual orientation but I think that I can be included in the asexual category.
I found this video really validating and comforting and related to many of the things you all said. Kaden in particular said a lot of stuff that resonated very deeply with me, like the part about just straight up forgetting that sex is an actual thing that real people engage in and being caught off guard whenever you're reminded, as well as being oblivious to innuendos. It's something that people are often amused by, and is sometimes used to infantalize me, in an "aw you're so cute and innocent and childlike because you don't understand sex" sort of way, and it really annoys me. My dad thinks it's absolutely hilarious to ask me if I'm going to go through puberty anytime soon even though I'm 21, supposedly because my actual puberty did not result in any sort of desire to have sex, making it... incomplete or invalid somehow?? It's frustrating to hear things like that, especially coming from the people you love most, so I appreciate videos like this a lot, as they remind me that my lack of sexual attraction does not make me incomplete and that sex is not a necessary part of a happy and fulfilling adult life.
In high school I had no idea asexuality existed. I always assumed that I would want to have sex once I got married, and even then it just didn't sound appealing. But once I learned about it (I researched it because one of my friends came out on the spectrum and I wanted to understand them better) I realized that maybe I was asexual.
My first sign was when heavy purity culture felt easy. Almost too easy. I didn’t recognize it as such at the time since chastity and abstinence were what we were supposed to be doing but I never had any of the alleged temptations that youth pastors and youth mentors in the church warned us would come.
I'm not asexual but was just curious what the experience is like and just want to say, you all are so lovely and welcoming. I always feel so reassured and happy discovering spaces like this where people reassure others that all sorts of ranges of experience are valid.
Queen bed by myself. It is bliss. Take it all up and spread out! Plus if you have pets, more room for them!!
I knew i was asexual and aromantic because i was very interested in fictional romance and stuff but when it comes to reality, i get awkward and stuff. The fact that i also find it hard to tag along with others trying to fit in with their romance conversations. I also tried fitting in and taggeed along and flirted for to a few but later on, i found out i never really developed the feelings but in the end im choosing to accept it
One time in class I talked about how Romeo and Juliet is a bad story and if they stopped sucking face for five minutes and processed things properly maybe they'd have made it out alive and someone literally looked at me and said "who hurt you?" I knew very well that I was aroace before watching this video, but I love ace content and seeing other people look at their retrospective obvious signs is interesting.
that’s very funny! -Lau
I was shocked in college once when a friend complained her bad mood was a result of not having had sex in "sooo long;" that it had been a few weeks. Everyone in the room made agreeable noises and I just sat there like... PEOPLE ARE HAVING SEX? It was so outside the realm of anything that would have come to my mind at that moment, even if you had challenged me to list possibilities I never would have brushed up against a sexual explanation.
realizing that my crushes were just “friend crushes” was huge
this feels like such a safe space thank you
I should have realized I was aro-grayace sooner when someone would admit they liked me like that and my first thought would be “Why? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
Also, I didn’t realize allos don’t just pick the most aesthetically appealing person and force themselves to develop an obsession disguised as a crush, crushes just come naturally
I'm coming to terms with the fact that I might be Asexual, I still feel broken.
same
I love this, thank you. I learned that I am fictosexual! And it is still odd to call myself it seeing I've gone between being Bi, and Pan. Thinking being sexually attracted to people was what I was supposed to be, and I have shown very few signs of being on that Ace spectrum.
I remember learning about all the different STDs you can get from having sex (even if you use protection or you're very careful or if you're both clean). But the thought I had when leaning about it is:
"Well, why would you have sex in the first place?" or "What's the point of having sex if there was a high risk of getting STD or pregnancy or anything else?"
I already felt this way and then in high school 2 of my electives were microbiology and pathophysiology- after that it took years before I recovered from knowing some of what we learned. Like not having my first real kiss til I was a much older (29), all I could think about when it came to kissing for years after high school was all the germs involved. Lol.
Same!
I always found it so extremely unrealistic and annoying when characters in media would have sex in impractical situations. It always made me think that the characterization was just really bad, because why would anyone ever have sex if they were late for an important meeting?? turns out sex makes people feel some kind of way?
This really helped me because I thought I was bi at first because I thought I had a crush on some people but it turned out I just enjoyed them as a person and after watching this it made me realize I’m actually acesexual
I’m asexual and panromantic, and looking back there so many signs I’ve always been ace but just didn’t know it really cause i didn’t know what ace was. It was confusing for a while because I’ve wanted a romantic relationship so when I first learned about Ace I didn’t know the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction so I brushed it aside for a while. Then I figured out the difference between a sexual and romantic relationship and I was like wait, people actually want sex? Yeah no, not for me.
I'm pan and demi!!!
I'm ace and something romantic as well! I don't know what romantic I am, but I know I'm not aro.
For me I was always confused because I could see the difference between sexual and romantic attraction through my own experiences, but it wasn't something that anyone in my circles would acknowledge and everyone seemed to treat them as the same.
I've known I was a part of the ace spectrum for about 3(?) years now and tbh I'm still not sure exactly where I lie on the spectrum but I'm just vibing here.
My 'realisation' moment was actually when I found out a guy in my grade had a crush on me, and my brain went into full panic mode not only because I didn't reciprocate the feelings, but also because I knew that in relationships sex is something that happens and supposedly is a main and important part of it. (despite it literally just being a high school crush and it never going to go that deep lmao)
I knew I never wanted to experience it and I'd never been in a situation where anyone had a crush on me so I was like 'Why do I feel so uncomfortable about the thought of potentially and/or eventually having to have sex with someone if I get into a relationship with them?' and so I was like whoa hey- is there something wrong with me??
Considering how over-sexualized (in my opinion) society is and how popular and common it is I definitely thought I was broken or something because I couldn't understand the appeal or the want when it came to sex. I would get uncomfortable and even sometimes visibly cringe when conversations and topics relating to sex came up around me because I just didn't like the idea of it nor did I really want to hear about it. I knew that I myself never wanted to do it or have anything to do with it for as long as I live so I never felt the need to acknowledge it properly.
Then I finally realised there was a label for how I was feeling, that I wasn't some crazy, broken person and most importantly that I wasn't the only one :')
Anyway sorry for going on a tangent ahaha
Man the only reason someone would be in my bed is for snuggles. Just hugs and snuggles thanks non of that icky stuff.
I'm so glad videos/resources like this exist now. We had nothing like this even in 2007 when I was a teen telling people I was "asexual" without realizing that was actually true. I just wanted folks to stop asking me about who I "liked".
Their hair is so pretty I wish I put as much effort on my hair as them
thank you!
yo i’m
i’ve never really considered me being aspec seriously before tonight but oh my god you know that moment when you go
OH! THAT MAKES SENSE! IT MAKES SENSE NOW!
*screaming* i’m not sure exactly what identity exactly i fit into but i think im definitely under the asexual
umbrella and while i’m getting a mix of emotions it’s just so freeing! i’m not broken :D idk why i didn’t consider it before!!
Am I ace? Or is that feeling due to my being neurodivergent, insecure and an introvert with basically no dating experience? Now that's a conundrum.
Interesting point. I (Elle), too, am neurodivergent, insecure, and an introvert with basically no dating experience, haha. They're not mutually exclusive, I guess. Also commonly co-occuring, funnily enough (just made a video on the statistical link between autism/autistic traits and queer identities).
This definately brought back some teenage memories I did not need. Your video is so relatable I'm feeling awkward about past me
Around a year ago I came to the conclusion, that I'm asexual. But I still find people attractive, just not in that way. Recently, I have been catching feelings for someone again (for only the second time in my life and the first time did not go so well) and it's really hard. On one hand I want to get closer to him, on the other hand I feel like I shouldn't because he would just be disappointed. I feel that as an asexual person, you have to live with the fact that for most people in this world, you're not good enough. Society makes out sex to be the "end goal" of a relationship and if you can't provide that, you don't really have that much offer. It makes it seem like what you want to share with someone is not a "real relationship".
idk if i am but i love the vibe here
welcome!
My thing with sex is that I can think about it happening to anyone, but me. Honestly I’m starting to wonder if I’m gray sexual, or if it’s a dysphoria thing, because I’m uncomfortable with my body specifically.
I relate to the first sentence lol.
I can definitely relate to so many of these I was like “are you living my life or something?” it literally sent chills over my body. especially the one where she talks about songs being all about sexual stuff. when I was little I would always sings songs about that stuff because at the time I didn’t know what all of that meant, but now that I know I don’t really like it. I try to force myself to like it because people around me also do and don’t get me wrong the music sound great but it would be better if that sexual stuff wasn’t involved in it you know? this video helped me a lot thank you for this!
Wait secxy doesn’t mean edgy pretty? I have never related so much lol.
This was SUPER fun and very related to the very first RUclips video idea I was thinking I might put on my own new RUclips channel here. Thanks for the fun and relatable stories throughout this! I love how at the start you made it clear no one can tell you if you're asexual or not. ;) I really like the energy you bring to this channel, all of you. This is maybe my favorite current ace RUclips channel. You feel like people who could definitely be my friends :)
Also btw when you said that Not very many "aloes" click on a video like this -- FYI that looks autogenerated even if it's not lol... You may want to fix that at the very end ;)
Loved hearing about your experiences! I think this channel is a great idea :)
I'll share one of my own! I only realized I was ace myself recently-- one of my signs I should have seen a lot earlier was that I could look at a picture or another person and recognize they were what other people would consider hot or sexy but not FEEL it, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty sex-neutral in general so I don't feel a repulsion towards other people being sexual. It's just not really for me :)
Same here! People would ask me what I thought of some celebrity or another, and I would frequently say "I personally don't feel the same, but I understand why!"
Totally missed being ace because I'm sex favorable very high libido and autistic with special interests in kink sex and bdsm. So for majority of partner interactions I'm indistinguishable from pan. I honestly thought most people were just shallow and lacking impulse control compared to me, based on my observations. Discovering autistic and aspec identities at 46 is very revelatory in a positive sense. Just weird I never knew but both autistic and aspec are buried under so much misiformation so it makes sense to miss it I suppose.
Oh my gosh, Elle here (pink hair), and I relate so much to this! I sort of alternatively consider myself pan because of the same sorts of things, but yeah, I’m also VERY ace. Super valid, I’m glad your self-discovery has been a positive progression for you!
@@SpaceyAces I’m def felt the same way
"Why would I want a bigger bed" is one of the sentences that made me realize maybe I was ace so I find it funny to hear it from someone else
That's one of the couple things in the video I couldn't relate to lol; being able to sprawl out on a giant bed all to yourself feels amazing! Now I'm wondering if that time I was really excited about getting a giant bed was misinterpreted by those around me...
@@annaairahala9462 I was super excited about this new bed frame I got when I was in my mid-20s. It's a metal frame, lots of detail, reminds me of Cinderella's pumpkin because of the way it looks. I looked at it in the store and literally thought "Cinderella! Fairy tale! It's so pretty!! I want it!"
Literally EVERYONE else in my life who has ever seen it or even heard of it, "ooh, that frame is perfect for tying someone up for sexy times".
WHHHY??🙄 🤣
When I was a teen, I was part of a church band that would travel around locally and sometimes get paid, or I would be asked to play with other church bands and get paid that way. I had a crush on our frontman for the longest time---- then he got a girlfriend. Since tv and movies had taught me that seeing your crush get a significant other that is not you would make you depressed and feel like your world was ending, I literally held my breath at this news, waiting to feel some type of sadness. When I started breathing again, I gave myself a hard look and tried to gauge my feelings. I felt absolutely neutral about everything and thought, "Maybe I am in shock, so the feelings will come later?"
Later came, and I still felt nothing. Weeks turned to months until I forgot I had a crush on him, except whenever we had to play together, I would remember that I "thought" I had a crush on him. Maybe I just liked to hear him sing? It wasn't until last year that I learned that Asexual was a thing and that it made so much sense to identify as Ace.
In conclusion, I never liked him!😂
Also, it wasn't until years later that I found out that a frontman for another church band that I would periodically play with had an actual crush on me. I just thought he was friendly. We couldn't often play together because he was based in another town, and I was still in high school. I could only go to his town in the summer. He would sometimes come to my city and play with his band, and since my parents knew his pastor well (his pastor would come over to say hi to us), he would tag along with the pastor whenever he would swing by our house. I never thought anything of it since we only ever talked about music.
I never saw the signs, even when my other bandmates would ask me how long we'd been dating. I would say, "What are you talking about? We are not dating!?!?!" and give the most confused face I could give.
In conclusion, I never liked him either, nor did I ever think he liked me!😅
I’m allosexual, but I did click on the vid bc I wanted to learn more about asexuality/ the asexual experience :) Ty for creating this space, vids like this seriously are so important to so many ppl
First off I just wanted to say, great video. As a semi-questioning ace teen this was super helpful. But I also wanted to say that the the resemblance between me and kaden (not sure of they spelling) is insane. It’s like looking into an asexuality affirming mirror. My face is a bit more angular but aside from that the resemblance is uncanny. Same hair color, same hair length, same general body type, it’s like we could be doppelgängers
Brennem, are you my space-ace twin?! That is hilarious, and I’m so happy to hear that my presence is affirming! (You’re so insanely valid.) We are totally doppelgängers, haha. This very much made my day to hear, so thank you. -Kaden.
I feel like there were 2 moments of aro ace awakening in my life
the first one was when I realized that the crush I thought I had in middle school wasn't in fact a crush. I thought this one guy from my class was pretty cool personality wise and I just wanted to chat and maybe hang out but it was hard for me to approach him because despite being classmates we barely knew each other and I had anxiety. I thought that you are supposed to feel nervous around your crush so I thought "oh, that's what's going on" despite the fact that literally no romantic let alone sexual feelings were actually involved.
The second one was when my mom asked me if I'm a lesbian. I thought no, I'm not interested in women but if you want to think that I'm one I won't stop you, at least you won't expect me to bring a boy home one day because that sure as hell ain't happening......ah, I see, so that's what's going on here
I already know I'm ace and I loved listening to your stories and experiences, especially since right now I don't know any other ace person irl. It felt great to see other people similar to me.
And maybe kinda off topic but you're all really pretty in my opinion :)
Have a great week!
thank you so much this is so sweet! -Lau
So many of these hit home for me. For years, I thought it was because of the Asperger's. Things make a little more sense now.
Have you seen our video about how neurodivergence affects sexuality? It is quite common for autistic people identify as asexual, and queer in general! Thanks for commenting!!
I had a similar experience, I assumed that my sex-repulsion was an autism thing and that i'd have to somehow get over it eventually
7:51 tbf there's other reasons to enjoy a bigger bed, more room can be nice and so can platonic sleepovers! Lol js tho you're probably right about what your parents were thinking, but there's nothing "wrong" with having a slightly bigger bed than you might "need" not is there anything wrong with your twin bed (especially the bunks as that accomplishes the same task of the platonic sleepovers, but it still takes two mattresses which can be more expensive than a larger single mattress)
Ohhh the mention of tracking sex like a chore! I've done this in all my relationships, saying (to myself and others) it was purely for health reasons. But looking back and being honest it was really to make sure I was "having it enough", like my "goal" was once a week, and I thought that if I achieved that I would enjoy it more and be a good girlfriend. But doing that actually made me resent the activity and whole sex business altogether. Like it felt comparable to flossing or doing the dishes, I don't want to do it but I know I should do it. I highly doubt allo people feel like this 🙈
after reading this comment section, i’ve finally come to terms with my identity. thank you to everyone for sharing !
When I very first started learning about sex as a thing that happened, my teacher decided to introduce the idea of contraception because otherwise we were just being told sex=baby. When asked how people could not have a baby, I put my hand up and said not have sex. She said while right, that wasn’t the answer she was looking for. I couldn’t understand why anyone would have sex without the intention of getting pregnant for years after. That probably should have been my first clue to my aceness.
I remember seeing a tumblr post that said “if you’re a girl and you say you don’t like masturbating then you’re lying” and I was so confused bc I had never masturbated at that point and never had any desire to.
I am definetely NOT asexual but watching this was very interesting! I am interested in this topic in general and it is definetely not acknowledged enough… I see these sings in a few of my friends and they do confuse me sometimes but it makes me kinda mad that most people don’t even try to understand and tolerate it and people keep calling these friends “childish“ or just say that puberty will hit them eventually and they will understand it all soon and that always sets me off.. Watching this also made me understand them better :)
I'm just here to say Kaden's hair is beautiful! I also loved the video :D
I'm at a weird point in my life where I kind of like someone, but whenever I like someone it's in the mushy friendship way where I just wanna hang out a lot and talk. And I feel like it would be hard for me to go beyond that. It's easy to hug close family. It's hard to hug other people.
Wow, I never thought I'd find someone who has about the same exact experience as I do.
literally when anyone asks my sexuality i never know what to say so i just say “oh i don’t care” than right then and their they’ll just label me as “OH SO UR PANSEXUAL/BISEXUAL”
it actually makes me so pissed cuz i feel everyone needs to label everything, and then when i would open up about ur asexual it’s like everyone tries to find any “crack” to prove that im not
so i don’t know if this is part of the asexual experience where suddenly your sexuality is everyone’s business
5:17 "middle school 'humans'" I loved that. I also talk like that.
Note about the bad thing there’s only three good uses for a bigger bed and one of them is a dog, The other two are blankets/pillows and cats
True. If my parents forced me to get a bigger bed, I would fill it with stuffed octopuses instead of sexual partners. - Elle
I was romantically attracted to another boy called Josh once. Now that I think about it, I didn’t want to sleep with him in the sexual way. I did want to marry him though. So yeah, I’m probably asexual. To this day I still love him. And I still am very jealous of his girlfriend for him falling in love with her instead of me.
A large majority of sexual innuendo makes no sense to me. It never occurred to me that this was an ace thing until I saw this video. I also avoid sexual songs too. It just feels wrong to me and makes me feel repulsed. Thank you so much for the clarity… 🙏🏽🙏🏽phewwww I feel I can breathe again because so much of this information makes sense. Thank you so much🙏🏽🙏🏽🌈🌈🌈💫✨
I really relate to Kaden with forgetting sex is a thing and being caught off-guard 😅 I have to conciously remind myself its that thing that other people do.
You have no idea how happy I am I discovered your page. I identify as panromantic demisexual and I have never Met people that are asexual and for a while it made me feel lonely. Like no one quite understood the way I felt so it makes me feel happier and less alone now I've seen people with similar things to me :)