I’ve had a mesh on my best friend, and she did back and now our relationship is Alterous and it really makes me feel happy because we both are able to come out about our feelings. Both filters kinda fit for me and I just remember it clicking when we got closer 😂 A lot of people get jealous of our relationship and say we are goals but it’s interesting I just have a lot more of an emotional bond with her! 😄 I definitely am Demialterous for sure though!
I had an intense mesh earlier this year, but I had to let it slide away. She is someone I admire because we both have a lot in common, and I really wanted to get closer to her and become a confidant or maybe even a collaborator, but we're more acquaintances. She has a lot on her plate and I put myself out there that I'd be happy to be a part of her support network, but she didn't return the sentiment. I'm hoping we can become closer in the future if we develop a friendship. I knew it was a mesh because I didn't really feel rejected. I'm happy just knowing she's out there being her best self, and I hope one day I can be in that emotional circle of trust, you know?
@@amayagoddess very relatable!! It’s so hard and also hard to explain, the pain/sadness when your mesh can’t let you into their inner world emotionally or intellectually.
I had a mesh on my best friend, assumed it was romantic, freaked out because I didn't want to spoil our friendship, then proceeded to try and get over her. It took a while, but I did it. I did start questioning whether i was really attracted to her though. It's hard to explain but I found her aesthetically attractive in a different way that I usually see people. I kinda just knew. And I know that I was attracted to her before because I no longer see her the way I did then. I never did tell her about my feelings, but we're still friends and I'm fine with it.
I swear I'm experiencing this type of attraction right now to a very close bestfriend of mine. I invited them to my birthday party last week and when I saw them I felt a spark. That spark wasn't platonic or romantic but full of love. I'm so in love with them it hurts and I was considering telling them how I feel but I'm worried they'd take it the wrong way. They have a girlfriend and I'm worried they'd think I'm trying to push her out and take her place when I'm really not. All I want is to hang out more and have a close relationship, the kind where we share everything! I'm in love with them in a way I can't explain, all I know is I don't want to date them but be so so close.
I often feel like my relationship with everyone around me is impacted by alterous attraction. Because for me, love isn't platonic or romantic, it just...is. It's the same for all people, it just depends on my bond with those people. So for me, I could very well develop close feelings for anyone, as long as we had a strong enough emotional connection and were compatible. For me right now, the people I'm closest with are my best friends, so they're the people I feel the greatest alterous attraction towards.
i genuinely didn't know that everyone didn't feel this way. you mean to tell me that some people literally only feel platonic OR romantic feelings about people??? that sounds easy. XD
I'm really shy to tell this, I fear hate comments or whatever, but... Here we go I'm a girl and I'm straight (sexually and romantic) In my life, I always had friends of all genders but my crushes were always boys And that's okay In a romantic scenario, me and a boy staying togheter and building a life togheter is something that was right to me I never had attraction to girl's bodies, only boy's so... Definitely straight But, I have one friend, a girl, that makes me feel different... I really love my friends, but I love her in a different way... I really like to stay close to my friends, but stay closer to her is special in a different way... I thought that she may be my crush, but, she is not... I have had crushes before, and it's different I don't want her body, I don't want to date her, I don't want to kiss her, I don't want her to be mine This is a romantic scenario that I want to have with a boy because I'm straight and that was confusing... At the same time, she is more than a friend to me, more than a best friend, it's something weird, but it feels like she completes me, in a way that is more than planotic, but it's not romantic I just... don't know That's really confusing and I have been feeling this for some years... Today I decided to google more about romantic and platonic feelings, because this feeling was something in between but not exactly And the alterous attraction makes so much sense It's weird, but it's there Something in between platonic and romantic, but not exactly It's confusing but your video helped A LOT I'm still trying to understand it, but your video really makes things a little more clear and organized in my head So... I wanna say thank you
You won't get any hate from me! Though yes, it's definitely a scary thing to come to terms with and declare about yourself. Congrats on working things out! I feel really grateful to have been even a small part of your journey. (And appreciate the love for my filmmaking too -especially for a short made in iso
I like to think that kind of feeling is when we meet our soulmates. That we both just know we belong together, not romantically yet much more than friends.💜🖤Thank you for sharing your story
So I'm aroace and recently got in a queerplatonic relationship and I've been trying to figure out how I feel about them. And alterous attraction perfectly describes how I feel. Thank you for making this video 😁
I’m so glad this is an actual term. Sometimes we feel more than a friendship with people. Like almost in love feelings but we’re not romantically attracted. In my later years of life I’ve felt this more.
6:13 - 6:22: SAM (Split Attractions Model): "You don't have to break everything down to that degree of specificity, but if it helps you navigate the world or enables you to feel better about yourself, then I, the Split Attraction Model, am here for you." This. 👆
This makes my heart so happy. I heard about alterous attraction recently and it finally made since that I couldnt tell whether I liked someone platonically or romantically lmao. This video put into words something that I could never explain, and I thank you for that.
To break it down for anyone who isn't aromantic or aroace... or similar things Imagine it like colorblindness... The lines between a platonic relationship (friendship)... and a romantic relationship.. are blurry. It's hard to differentiate between the two. And an easy test for yourself.. is just like the colorblindness test... but instead of dots that are different colors, hiding the meaning of a number or letter... there is a hidden level of intimacy... We don't see the level of intimacy actively.. that seperates a friendship from a romantic relationship... and even then, intimacy looks different for everyone else.. For me, an intimate relationship could just be spending time together doing the same hobby... So technically.. drawing something with my brother.. could be called an intimate relationship... but that is not so great to think about :/
OMG OMG OMG! I have never felt so validated in my entire life. Me and my partner started off as girlfriends after realising we both wanted to get closer to each other which we thought was romantic, but then recently we redefined it and talked through everything we felt about it and realised that maybe defining as a 100% romantic relationship didn’t necessarily fit. Which is when o suggested relabelling to a QPR (labels are important to them) and it felt more comfortable for both of us and like it fit. But I know it is much deeper than platonic but idk if it’s 100% romantic- which is why we found this middle ground (we both really struggle to differentiate between romantic and platonic feelings) but knowing this is a thing that others experience too- it makes me realise that I could have Alterous feelings towards them and just knowing that makes me feel less confused as to how I feel- because I know I like them as more than just a friend but I struggle to know if feelings are romantic, and QPR just seems like the best label for the both of us . But omg knowing this label exists makes me feel so validated (though I still don’t really feel like any label fits me- which is why I just use queer or bi because I think it’s the closet to how I feel).
Labels aside, it's just so difficult to make allosexual people understand that love is such a varied and profound thing. It's just so unfortunate that when you have an interest for someone they assume you want to kiss them etc.
@@SarahBaker-q9k Yess. And idk if you can relate to this, but when i see an objectively attractive person, they're attractive but im not attracted to them. Like it sounds crazy but its weird to me how allos can just see an attractive person and ask them out. Like, wouldnt you want to know them first? How can you have a crush on someone just by seeing them?
@@CorynneFord I know, right? When I see someone attractive I'd love to be around them but that doesn't mean I have a crush. Sometimes I lose interest as soon as they start speaking, lol.
i have no idea what im feeling. theres this guy i met in 7th grade and we were friends until we hated wach other and stopped talking lol. but i started to feel some way dyring 9th grade abt him. it wasnt exactly romance, i dont think, but my heart beat faster, i got rly excited when i saw him, and i really wanted to talk to him. 10th grade, i didnt see him at all and thats when i discovered i was on the ace and aro spectrum. so 11th grade hits and guess what, i get those same feelings when i see him. its only him. hes the first person ive ever felt this way towards. ever. and i dont know what it is. i want to be more than friends, but not in a relationship. i cringe whenver i think of us doing sexual or romantic stuff. but regular friend stuff isnt enough either... i want to see him and be with him all the time ughhh. wtf is this
Thank you so much for this video! I found out about alterous attraction a little while back and it made me realize that I was aro, and that my need for relationships was from an unhealthy thing that society pushed "romantic" relationships. What opened my eyes even more is when I learned that the concept of _romance was invented in the last couple centuries._ When one looks into what romance actually is, one learns that it's defined as a set of _behaviors._ Really really toxic behaviors. Like putting the feelings of one's partner(s) above those of others, staying together no matter what, etc.
discovering i'm demialterous (edit: and arospec) has given me so much freedom, but at the same time, having to try to explain it has been a struggle, because it gets _so specific_ for me. it's more than just the type of attraction and when i start to feel it.
thank you so much for making this video!! :] i recently asked out my now-qpp and im having a really hard time working through my feelings >__< on one hand i dont think that "platonic" fits us completely but on the other i dont think "romantic" would fit either. i feel most comfy calling us a qpr but most ppl say that queerplatonic relationships are strictly nonromantic and its really confusing :'') that being said, im also aroace and im starting to think that i have alterous feelings towards them... that or im just gonna try to stop labelling it at all haha. however things work out, this video is really helpful and im glad to see other aspec creators talking about their experiences. ive hardly seen any videos on aromanticism and branching terms from those communities and it means a lot to me that this exists
Thank-you so much for this comment and all the best for sorting through your feelings and for any conversations with your qpp that may happen going forward. I hope you find what you need :)
I am very very very late to this, but to my understanding, qpr exist both outside and at the intersection of romantic and platonic relationships, and not every qpr is the same. So, a somewhat romantic qpr is possible.
I think I have this exact attraction towards my music teacher. We're both females, and I am just so interested in her, almost platonic, but not. But then when I think about romantic wise, its also not that. It's just right in between platonic and romantic. I just love her so much, and I'd love to tell her, but I don't want her to get weirded out cause shes married :/
You're SO SMART! like... I'm 30, getting married in 3 months e decided to look deeper into my emotional connection with a close friend of mine (also childood friend with my future husband...) never heard the term alterous but it fits so much better than everything else! Can't believe I struggled sooo much, for years... And also got judgmental comments from some of the friends I've talk with about! THANK YOU!
Glad I could help. I'm no smarter than anyone else - just sharing something I had encountered that I found useful as I thought it might help others too :)
3:21 LMAO *not me going around asking people what romantic attraction feels like when i was questioning* someone told me that if u feel it youll just know right away so thats how i knew i was aro also i tried imagining myself in a romantic relationship and everytime i did i'll just cringe so thats another thing that made me think i was aro 😂
Relatable as heck. “You’ll know when you feel it” sometimes seems to me more like “Look, I don’t know what it is either. Stop asking me.” but that may just be me projecting 😂
@@Tai-xw6uy ikr. i had a sexuality crisis the other day and i asked allo/demi/aspec people what it feels like they described it and i couldnt rly believe it ao guess im ace i guess
@@hypnosesgodchild still get those sometimes tbh, out of nowhere I'm like "I might be wrong" and then I start researching for it like the first time, doing quizzes omg- lolol, but then I'm like "nah, that's not normal for me" so it's a cycle... But im glad it's working out for you!!! Thanks for answering me btw! have a good day!!!
i watched this back in august and started questioning if i was aspec, i thought i wasn't until i felt romantic attraction for the first time (i'm 16) and i just had that "Oh! none of my previous 'crushes' felt like this before, it never physically hurt not being in a romantic relationship with them" moment. So thanks for helping me figure out that i'm greyromantic and tenatively only into guys romantically
I'm not sure if I have meshes or squishes. I'm ace, demiromantic, but feel really strong connections to people where they're not the same level as my romantic partner, but I still feel a deep connection that isn't romantic. So I'm not sure if it's platonic or what. For me, I've decided that the names don't matter as much as explaining to people what my boundaries are, and where they are and how much I care about them. Even if I suck at doing that because of my disabilities.
I’m a Demiromantic Asexual, I’ve noticed how even when I’m in a romantic relationship I don’t like doing certain relationship stuff like the big one is physical touch, I’m cool with dates if I know them but if not then I’m gonna say no,suprisingly peoples ideas of a date is to be asked at by a stranger,even tho I’m Demiromantic,romantic relationships are not fully romantic or platonic,however I still want a romantic relationship because you can be AroAce and still want/desire a romantic relationship because being AroAce is about attraction,like feeling no romantic attraction but wanting one or sometimes or in certain situations feel romantic attraction and desire a romantic relationship which can make it extremely difficult,for me I take FOREVER so that’s probably why I’m always the one to make the first move tbh but I’m also not entirely romantic ether,I still am Demiromantic because it’s about my romantic attraction/how I experience it, I resonate with an Aromantic term called soft romo which means that it’s not exactly obvious your in a romantic relationship for example if your not holding hands or whatever,if that’s not me idk what it
As an explicitly non-asexual this feels like it occupies the same space for asexual people as friends w/ benefits does for sexual people? I have had many people in my life that I had these in-between relationships not quite a friend but not romantic, but much more than platonic.....
Alterous attraction could certainly track to those kinds of experiences. It's not just for ace folks. In fact, it has nothing to do with sexual attraction - playing instead in the murky areas between friendship and romance. Defs could involve dynamics like this and many others too :)
I'd been wrestling with my feelings towards a close friend of mine for a little while now, because it FELT like I considered them more than "just a friend," but I couldn't say I wanted to date them or have a romantic relationship with them. It was definitely messing with my head and stressing me out. But another friend who I was talking to linked me both this video and your short film, and it was like someone had finally put the right words in my head. An "alterous attraction" definitely fits my experience. It made talking to the first friend about my feelings towards her a lot easier, and we are on really great terms. Thank you for this!
This video has opened my eyes to a totally different way to look at attraction and relationships. I was already starting to think about things differently in some ways due to being asexual and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum myself, but I hadn't considered looking at things in such a different way at all. I have a ton to think about, thanks for introducing me to this, it's gonna be fun!
I was confident in my aromantic and agender identities, but in the last few months I’ve discovered autism might(?) significantly affect my conception of gender identity, and it learned about a new type of romantic-ish attraction that aligns decently well with my experience. All has remushed into the chaos that I first dug my queer identities out of.
I feel you. Regardless of if you find the specificities to describe your experience or not, I hope you are able to move through the world comfortably enough. For me what has help has been (instead of niching down into more specific language) to broaden out to umbrella labels and letting the intricacies be what they are (for example I broadly call myself aspec and non-binary as my general most-used-words) Neuroqueer is also a term I’ve heard that might be useful to you 💜
I just realised I'm aro a couple weeks ago when someone recommended to make a list of all the types of attraction and definitions that make sense to you and next to romantic was "???" and I think that said quite enough. Like I know it's the societal norm and what most people feel towards their partners but I can't come up with my "own" definition, but I love every aspect of a romantic relationship I can think of, the hugs, cuddles, kisses, cute dates, loyalty, moving in together, getting married, having kids/pets together, all of it. I identified as cupioro for a while but it didn't quite fit. This is still very new to me but at the minute cupio isn't the right label because to me romantic attraction and romantic relationships occur concurrently. That's not to say cupio people aren't valid, you absolutely are, but that's just my way of working out who I am. That's why I identify as Bellusromantic. I love all the romantic actions but want to enjoy them in a non romantic way. I also think a lot of it is down to my "why can't these traditionally romantic things be applied to a non romantic relationship?" attitude. 1. Friendships vs Romance As I mentioned I cannot define romance for the life of me, and I only have 2 close friends, and all I know is that I'd never be in a relationship with them. Platonic attraction is strictly friends, but I still want a non romantic non platonic relationship, hence I'm here. 2. What alterous is to me It's very much like a romantic relationship, and may look like that to most people, but to us it's not, we may do all the traditionally romantic things, but our relationship is not romantic.
I literally just found out about this like a day ago and now I'm finding this video. I've never personally had it, but it seems like a struggle and this give me somewhat more understanding of it which is cool. good video mate!
Hey! Thanks so much for your content! (: This is great and very helpful!! I was wondering what's the difference between alterous and sensual attraction...? What I have figured out yet is that sensual attraction kind of describes best what I'm feeling for a somebody. Also I stumbled across the term 'lush' as in a sensual crush. Now RUclips kindly introduced me to your Videos and ALTEROUS. Your perspective quite nailed my struggles and I can relate so much! :D Still there seems to be something more... intriguing (?) going on with sensuality and wanting to be close to that person in my case. (Sorry, words fall short here.) Maybe it's just a little more on the romantic side butt still alterous? Can attraction be alterous and also sensual or would that be very sensually alterous? :'D Are they more like synonyms or is the difference that not everybody experiences sensual attraction towars their mesh but usually 'lushes' can be called alterous or are just like a kind of mesh? Like an umbrella term? There's so much to be figured out! Hahah still not sure what exactly 'romantic' is for most people. I love these spectrums ans how people care to describe their feelings!
Sensual attraction is a draw to someone based in the senses (touch, smell... etc) Alterous attraction is a non-platonic non-romantic emotional attraction. You 100% can feel both things. Just like people can have romantic partners AND friends at the same time. You could have meshes (alterous crushes) and lushes (a term you have just taught me, thanks :D) at the same time. Good luck with working things out! Glad I could be slightly helpful :D
I once saw an explanation on Reddit which I think was pretty much in the spot. For me at least. They said something like „when someone has a crush they might have butterflies or are nervous and many people also describe an almost physical pain when they describe their relationship to me. QPR/Alterous Attraction is just so much more chill“ Well I thought that describes pretty well what it feels like for me. I thought about being in a „normal“ romantic relationships with someone but that is so troublesome. I mean, having butterflies are so on is kinda cute I think but it’s so much easier and chill without being this nervousness and „do you love me“ that has to be confessed first
@@alexrose20 ahh yes that’s bad I had that too once and it’s so weird I always wanted to be around that person but I thought „I don’t want act strange around them, I better don’t talk to them“ and I thought they don’t even like me so I’d just be annoying for them
All I can say is that I do experience butterflies in my stomach and nervousness, and still don't want a romantic relationship with holding hands, kisses, etc. So perhaps that explanation on Reddit wasn't on point.
I think I've experienced this before, I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction and I don't think I ever will (in short, I'm aroace) but there have been times where I've liked people and it definitely wasn't platonic or queerplatonic. I think my first mesh was either a girl I knew called imogen, I thought she was really cool and I wanted to be close to her but not the way I'd be close to a friend, or a guy I knew called Milo where I felt the same thing, at the time I thought they were crushes but, looking back, neither were crushes, they were meshes. I've had a few more meshes but I always thought they were crushes because I didn't know I was aromantic and I never had the vocabulary to describe what I was really feeling. I found this video really helpful because it helped me realise what things I've been feeling for certain people, thank you for making this.
Wow! I love how you explained this. I am not ACE but I have found myself to be in a relationship like this more then once. It's really hard to talk about. I met someone recently who I clicked with right away. They also have a mesh on me. The issue has been, we most likely will never have sex. We talk about it a lot but nothing gets started. It's like we both want to keep it a fantasy so the vibe isn't broken. What I uave noticed is a patern on the part of my mesh to get irritated when I start to show physical attraction to someone else. I get multiple text asking me if I am ok or with love heart emojis out of the blue. I feel off balance with them. This video will help with the talk I am going to have with them. We need to set some boundaries in better spots. Ether they stop texting me at midnight or we take it to that next level already emotionally.
I'm not aromantic, but to my great surprise I have experienced alterous attraction several times and am still completely lost with it, I'm super glad I can find a video about it 😀 The only thing I am still super confused about is : what do I do with it ? Usually, I want to hold my meshes, to be close to them physically, but I don't want to kiss them or go further... And I don't know if I can ask that to someone who wouldn't experience the same thing as me, or I may feel bad as I feel like it would "lead nowhere" (thx society for these ingrained ideas). So I'm really glad to understand more this feeling andto be validated, but if anyone has any tip on what to do with it, I'd be super happy :D
Honestly the same advice I give to everyone is to try to communicate your wants and feelings with openness and honesty (as long as you feel safe or that it will be a positive for you). Even if someone may not have the same experience as you, they may have similar wants for different reasons or may be happy with doing something if they value your relationship and it will make you happy. The only way to know is to have that conversation.
Thank you for talking about this, and in such a beautiful way. I feel like alterous attraction is more common than we realise. Also, why is nobody talking about your amazing voice at the end???
Hehe thanks for the vocal compliment :P I do think it's probably pretty common - a side-effect of the application of language not being broad or ready enough for nuance. Arospecs will notice it more easily but I can certainly see many alloromantic people experiencing this and dismissing it.
damn this video was super helpful ty for making content abt this !! i thought i had a crush on one of my best friends a while back but it was never quite fully romantic, and at the same time it definitely wasn’t platonic - i knew i liked her and had a crush on her but at the same time i was completely fine just being friends with her, i didn’t mind that she’s aro / ace and wouldn’t romantically like me back, and the idea of dating her just felt off and wrong i felt really confused about this for ages but this has helped me start to realise some things and work it all out in my head :)
@@inesmartin1966 tbf there wasn’t actually much I could really do 😭 luckily our friendship was chill enough for us to both just be happy with the situation as it was - I didn’t feel the need to like properly confess and be in an official romantic relationship w her, I just loved spending time w her and being close to her. She actually knew I had a crush on her the entire time n she was actually very relaxed with it all (even though I thought she’d hate it if she knew), and we were just happy at the time having a close undefined relationship. Sorry I can’t rlly give any specific advice bc it ofc depends heavily on the situation but good luck !
In the definition alterous attraction is distinguished as well from Queer-Platonic attraction. But as far as I understand it, both Alterous and Queer-Platonic attraction are definitions for forms of attraction which do not fit in societies "standard" typed of relationships. So aren't they interchangeable with each other?
Hai, I’ve answered this in the comments before but when I made this video (which I shot 3 and a half years ago) I had only heard of “queer platonic” as a relationship style, not a form of attraction. My suggestion would be - use whatever word you think helps you communicate the best. Synonyms exist in a lot of places, it’s up to you to work out what nuances in implication work best for the ideas you are trying to communicate (and your audience)
Thank you for making this video! It is so well-crafted and you’re really well spoken. I remember finding the term alterous attraction around a few years ago and realizing emotional attraction perfectly described the not-exactly-crushes I had as a little kid. For me alterous attraction is emotional attraction. I don’t want to date my meshes, or be friends with them. I want to pick their brain and know their soul, their true self, their insecurities, and sometimes I want to extend my own true self back. But most of my meshes haven’t been intense, and it’s easy for me to ignore. They were small enough that as a little kid I didn’t acknowledge them as crushes (because I thought that it was having a crush but it wasn’t actually strong enough to be a crush), and I pushed the feelings down. I’ve always sort of clearly identified this feeling in myself, I just didn’t know what to call them, nor did I know at the time that strange “non-platonic” feelings did not necessarily mean they were crushes. Having a mesh for me definitely isn’t romantic or platonic, I’m not even sure if it’s something in between. To me it’s more like I want to find a bench to sit down with a stranger I’ve never talked to and spill all my deepest thoughts and feelings to them. It makes me glad too that the term alterous attraction can encompass so many different specific meanings. So thank you Artemis, again, for making such a well-made video talking about this so that people can know!
I think I feel this way about a new friend I made. We’re both queer women, but I don’t think it’s romantic. I want to be her best friend and her girlfriend at the same time… I love her so much i feel like the only way i can show it is by kissing her, but in a platonic way. I definitely don’t feel attracted to her in a sexual way, I just feel like I lover a lot and I haven’t felt this way before about anyone in my life.
"How you define friendship, how you define romance" Me who can't tell platonic from romantic: *visibly confused* I guess if I were to describe myself in this way, I would be: Grayasexual Grayaromantic Panaesthetic Panplatonic Pansensual Panalterous
This is exactly how i'v been describing how I feel for so long and I just haven't had the word So I can now share how I'm feeling about Brooke using the right terminology and can better explain any questions Thank you, it doesn't take away all the confusion but it helps with a lot of it 💜💚
Do you think that Alterous attraction might be the "non-romantic version" of the commonly known "romantic love" that the aromantic people feel when they find their special one/s?
I’m at 2:27 and have already wanted to comment something. As in not only keep going if you want but also even if it doesn’t strictly apply to me, this seems like it’d be good to know and informative.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve felt infactuation and not actual love, and learning about all these alterous, and arospec and acespec sexualities is really helping. I just have to figure out the best way to tell my boyfriend.
hmm .. I am confused as heck. How should I know what this is when I don't know what this ominous romantic attraction is? And what is platonic attraction? :D I hope I'll find people to connect with, people who are willing to share parts of their life with me supporting one another and with whom I'll feel deeply connected. I hope I'll find people where a lable doesn't matter.
Haha yeah it's definitely confusing. A thing I like to tell myself is that labels are language so just like any word - there are times when they are useful and other times when they are less so. It's all situational. But yesss good connections and community are super important
This makes a lot of sense to me. I call myself a lesbian because I’m only romantically and sexually attracted to women/enbies. I would only ever date a woman or fem enby person. But I’ve had alterous attraction to men as well. There are some guys in my life who I have a strong emotional connection to that’s non-romantic
Huge thanks for this video! It helped!👍 I tried not to label my feelings, but some part of my mind was constantly asking is it OK to feel something that is not a romantic love, but not a friendship either or maybe I "simulate" this feeling? Of course heteroromantic normativity is the ultimate cause of these questions, it oppresses all of us. But now after I understood that there is a WORD for it and many people experience roughly the same I finally stopped to ask this question! Woohoo! My lambs got silenced!😆
hey tysm for making this video!! im very bad with personally labelling myself despite wanting to put a name to the way i feel, and the way you explain things makes things feel a lot more simple :) theres someone ive been very close friends with for around.. five, six years now? found eachother in middle school and we've been around till my junior year. for a good few years now ive been thinking im hopelessly in love, but for some reason i really didnt. feel it was quite romantic. i very easily identified as asexual early on but identifying as aromantic was always back and forth for me, since i told myself i wanted /more/ than a platonic relationship. i have friends, i have close friends, but something is so deeply different about this person in a way i cant quite explain- but i think alterous fits it the best. you're insanely underrated for how well you display information, definitely have to go look through your stuff
I experience both queerplatonic crushes and alterous crushes (I don't like using those other terms like mesh and stuff because "crush" is a better well-known term) and I am not aromantic at all
Thank you so much for the explanation. I experience romance and have romantic partners. But I’ve had feeling for a friend I haven’t been able to place for years and it’s been tormenting me. The prompt of thinking about the difference between friendship and romance really clicked. Super helpful
I’m Recipromantic and my friend just confessed then played it off as a joke, no clue if I like them but I want to be in a queer platonic relationship I think idk help
I'm sorry to hear that. The only help I can offer is the validation that that must be really confusing. Perhaps you can let them know how that interaction made you feel?
This is so real for me. Like, I can never really tell if I want to be good friends with someone, or if I want to date them. It’s usually somewhere in the middle where I’d be chill either way. There may also be an aspect here, at least for me that I think I should have a crush on someone because that’s “normal” and if I don’t like have those feelings then I’m not? But I mean the feelings still exist so who knows
That is relatable and sometimes it’s hard to separate our social conditioning from our actual feelings. Either way, your experience is yours and this language is here if it’s useful to help you describe it.
Thanks for making this video! I'm aroace, and I get really confused on what type of attraction I am feeling, so I mix up romantic attraction with aesthetic and alterous attraction, and get confused easily. This cleared things up a bunch, and there isn't much about this topic!
Attraction to others is not a mental health issue but if you are experiencing mental distress in relation to it I suggest getting help either from people you trust or a healthcare professional. I am not qualified to give you mental health advice but will send you good internet vibes and hope that you get the support you need
I’m Lithoromantic and honestly we don’t get brought into the lime-light enough so Tysm for making this,A thing I see often , from people is that we haven’t “the one” like bruh- if I haven’t that special someone yet then where TF are they?!
Haha maybe because the Split Attraction Model is IMPORTANT (But more likely because I'm doing a very specific accent so... if your teacher had that accent, that'd do it!)
I literally never heard of this till today and now I'm confused on weather or not I am having this. I'm in a qpr with somebody who I am vary emotionally attached to, I love him more then a friend but not romantically either so I'm not sure exactly what's going on there.
Sending good vibes. The confusion is valid and you don't NEED to work things out quickly or heck even at all - but if the word alterous could help... it's there for you :)
Society belives that were panplatonic but just up to certain age. In the amatonormative society is it seen as a quite weird to have friends of opposite sex as an adult, especially if you have a partner of the opposite sex.
Heck yeah I’m having an aro spec crisis one again as per usual and I think this actually might describe me so the feeling of relief in my is palpable. I already have a tonnnn of labels but OUGH this one fits so well so time to add it to the list maybee
Aro spec crisis just in time for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week! Hopefully this was a bit useful to you and that you find yourself in a zone of stability soon 💚
Huh I’ve never thought much about this but I think I may have experienced this and had meshes before there are so many times where I’ve licked someone as more then a friend but saying I had a crush or in one case even dating them felt so wrong
Whenever I see terms with which I identify, I feel relieved, but at the same time I think it's stupid to classify emotions in this way, because even if I feel more identified with one thing, I always end up feeling that there is a part that "doesn't fit". And by god...the concept of "platonic love" refers to the conception of love for the greek philosopher Platón who deals with this idea in his work "The Banquet". For him, love was something essentially pure and devoid of passions, because these are essentially blind, material, ephemeral and false. Platonic love, therefore, is not based on interest, but is based on virtue...in other words, there is no need to put "panplatonic"...this is not about sexes or genders...
Words evolve my friend! I am well aware that’s not what Plato meant but this is how the word is used now 😊 And I get you re: finding words that fit but still not quite. It’s why I think I tend to prefer super categories than things that get into minute details (aspec, non-binary…etc). But still, I’m sure someone out there finds this useful which is why I shared it 😁
I'm just now figuring this out in my 30s. I think that what I always thought were typical crushes and romantic attraction were what felt to me like more of an unexplained and indescribable soul connection or bond. Like a love at first sight kind of reaction, but soooo deep it's scary and painful to be separated from them. And because those feelings would almost always happen with men, I just figured I was hetero and boy crazy. But after years of trying and failing to make conventional relationships work the way I'd always seen them modeled, I've realized that the idea of romance and physical intimacy (even with the people I have those intense feelings for) makes me *extremely* uncomfortable, and I would rather engage in sexual activity privately. So I started thinking I might be some kind of aro/ace and just refined from there as I learned more. I thought I was quoiromantic at first, but I saw someone suggest alterous attraction in response to someone else's questions and it feels like a better fit.
I have alterous attraction to one of my friends, but I was so confused about it for a long time because I wasn't educated on it. Since thinking about things I've come to terms with this, and I'm actually really happy about it. Part of me wants to tell her, because most of the things I want to do differently could still be done in a friendship, and I don't really mind what happens. However, part of me also doesn't want to. I've always been a bit anxious confessing how I feel to others. Also I feel like she might have romantic feelings for me, and I wouldn't want to lead her or give her false hope. I've decided for now that I'll only say something if it comes up, but otherwise I'll stay quiet. But I'm aware that this won't be good long term if my feelings stay the same. Do you have any advice? EDIT: I have since talked to her about it, and it went really well! We've changed a few things in our relationship, and now have a better understanding of each other.
I mean my advice tends to be that open and honest communication is usually a good thing. Of course you need to feel safe first. That’s more important. If you feel like you can’t be open about your alterous feelings maybe you can get more granular and talk about certain things you would like from your relationship? Whether that’s more time together or to co-parent a plant or whatever. Maybe that’s an in-between step you can take?
@@ArtemisMunoz Hi, thanks for your advice. I had a chat with my friend about it last week and it went really well. She's okay with the things I want to change, and even feels the same way about me:)
10 seconds in and oh god that definition sounds like me- edit: (pretty sure it’s me) thanks for sharing this!!! I’ve recently identified as bi aroace since its most comfortable and (I was actually talking to my counselor about this the other day) I feel like the “bi” part is describing an attraction that isn’t really platonic or romantic-I’m just drawn to people in an undefined way but I don’t particularly desire to be great friends with them, or to hug/kiss/get in a relationship with them and it’s been confusing. I probably won’t change my label but this was really reassuring to see because it’s so similar to my own experience ❤
I just had this convo w my bsf a week ago and I’m so happy she’s chill. I love her to bits! Anyways we didn’t want anything to change really but I want to call her my partner. She’s ok with the term but isn’t ready for the social pressure which I feel also. We just don’t wanna be bound by our actions meaning specific attractions I guess? I wanna hold her hand and tell her how much I love her! We’re gonna be roomates one day! Anyways, we’re really compatible and I’m so happy we’re in a place comfortable enough to have these conversations!
I still don't really get it, i'm aro but isn't this just describing someone experiencing a mix of platonic and romantic/aesthetic attraction? Or just a weak form of romantic attraction? Or even a strong form of platonic attraction?
This is a great video! I don't think I experience alterous attraction, but I do experience queerplatonic attraction, and I've always had a hard time understanding what the difference is. I'm still not all the way there, but this video helped a lot in understanding what it is. And it was fun to watch too, without feeling like just a copy-paste of the definition I've heard everywhere, so thanks!
honestly, hearing the idea of the split attraction model and using it helped figure me out a bit more. I knew that I was aroace, but I didn't know that the same/similar affixes could be used for other attractions. Thank you, this video was very helpful.
We are human. We are social creatures. It’s cute that you young people are making up all kinds of pointless terms to try to pigeonhole the fact that people simply like to be around other people for a variety of reasons. It’s not complicated.
This video has made me realize that most of my friends are feminine or wemon if not trans or nonbianary and the only male friend I have that's isn't my bf and my bfs bffs boyfriend is my ex from 7thgrade who was my first guy friend after I transitioned and is still the only one I am super close too
I just discovered now that I had that feeling for a friend. I was so confused at the time and our relationship ended pretty bad because of that. She liked me in a romantic way. Although I couldn't entirely respond in the same way, I wasn't sure about the "friendship" feeling. So our relationship got really messy. Wish I knew about this sooner. Thank you so much for the video :)
Have you had a mesh before? I'd love to hear your story :)
I’ve had a mesh on my best friend, and she did back and now our relationship is Alterous and it really makes me feel happy because we both are able to come out about our feelings.
Both filters kinda fit for me and I just remember it clicking when we got closer 😂
A lot of people get jealous of our relationship and say we are goals but it’s interesting I just have a lot more of an emotional bond with her! 😄 I definitely am Demialterous for sure though!
@@starrykitties This sounds delightful! Congratulations to you both :D
I had an intense mesh earlier this year, but I had to let it slide away. She is someone I admire because we both have a lot in common, and I really wanted to get closer to her and become a confidant or maybe even a collaborator, but we're more acquaintances. She has a lot on her plate and I put myself out there that I'd be happy to be a part of her support network, but she didn't return the sentiment. I'm hoping we can become closer in the future if we develop a friendship. I knew it was a mesh because I didn't really feel rejected. I'm happy just knowing she's out there being her best self, and I hope one day I can be in that emotional circle of trust, you know?
@@amayagoddess very relatable!! It’s so hard and also hard to explain, the pain/sadness when your mesh can’t let you into their inner world emotionally or intellectually.
I had a mesh on my best friend, assumed it was romantic, freaked out because I didn't want to spoil our friendship, then proceeded to try and get over her. It took a while, but I did it. I did start questioning whether i was really attracted to her though. It's hard to explain but I found her aesthetically attractive in a different way that I usually see people. I kinda just knew. And I know that I was attracted to her before because I no longer see her the way I did then. I never did tell her about my feelings, but we're still friends and I'm fine with it.
I swear I'm experiencing this type of attraction right now to a very close bestfriend of mine. I invited them to my birthday party last week and when I saw them I felt a spark. That spark wasn't platonic or romantic but full of love. I'm so in love with them it hurts and I was considering telling them how I feel but I'm worried they'd take it the wrong way. They have a girlfriend and I'm worried they'd think I'm trying to push her out and take her place when I'm really not. All I want is to hang out more and have a close relationship, the kind where we share everything! I'm in love with them in a way I can't explain, all I know is I don't want to date them but be so so close.
This stuff isn't simple for sure. I wish you all the best with it all!
Same except my friend is aro
I felt that
You just said what I was feeling and I wasn't able to put words to that feeling thanks for your comment
that's the Same for me it Hurts D:
Me, aromantic and neurodivergent: wHAT IS LOVE
Baby don't HURT me
@@ArtemisMunoz damn, beat me to it
also lol fuck I always hated that reply, which i got *every time I tried to ask my friends to help me understand*
save for one friend, who always responded by telling me i should reeeeallyyyy look in to autism lmao whoops
😂
I often feel like my relationship with everyone around me is impacted by alterous attraction. Because for me, love isn't platonic or romantic, it just...is. It's the same for all people, it just depends on my bond with those people. So for me, I could very well develop close feelings for anyone, as long as we had a strong enough emotional connection and were compatible. For me right now, the people I'm closest with are my best friends, so they're the people I feel the greatest alterous attraction towards.
Beautifully stated. And a good capture of my own feelings about things as well.
I can really relate to that..! Glad to hear I'm not alone.
I thought I was alone in feeling this way. Glad I’m not!
i genuinely didn't know that everyone didn't feel this way. you mean to tell me that some people literally only feel platonic OR romantic feelings about people??? that sounds easy. XD
I know right! I’m over here like... sounds fake but fine, I’ll make a video to let folks know they aren’t alone anyway 🤣
Ugh imagine
EXACTLY 😭
I'm really shy to tell this, I fear hate comments or whatever, but... Here we go
I'm a girl and I'm straight (sexually and romantic)
In my life, I always had friends of all genders but my crushes were always boys
And that's okay
In a romantic scenario, me and a boy staying togheter and building a life togheter is something that was right to me
I never had attraction to girl's bodies, only boy's so... Definitely straight
But, I have one friend, a girl, that makes me feel different...
I really love my friends, but I love her in a different way...
I really like to stay close to my friends, but stay closer to her is special in a different way...
I thought that she may be my crush, but, she is not...
I have had crushes before, and it's different
I don't want her body, I don't want to date her, I don't want to kiss her, I don't want her to be mine
This is a romantic scenario that I want to have with a boy because I'm straight and that was confusing...
At the same time, she is more than a friend to me, more than a best friend, it's something weird, but it feels like she completes me, in a way that is more than planotic, but it's not romantic
I just... don't know
That's really confusing and I have been feeling this for some years... Today I decided to google more about romantic and platonic feelings, because this feeling was something in between but not exactly
And the alterous attraction makes so much sense
It's weird, but it's there
Something in between platonic and romantic, but not exactly
It's confusing but your video helped A LOT
I'm still trying to understand it, but your video really makes things a little more clear and organized in my head
So... I wanna say thank you
You won't get any hate from me! Though yes, it's definitely a scary thing to come to terms with and declare about yourself. Congrats on working things out! I feel really grateful to have been even a small part of your journey. (And appreciate the love for my filmmaking too -especially for a short made in iso
@@ArtemisMunoz thank you for being so kind
I've had a similar experience in my past. It's real!
I like to think that kind of feeling is when we meet our soulmates. That we both just know we belong together, not romantically yet much more than friends.💜🖤Thank you for sharing your story
I have very similar experiences, almost exclusively as it turns out. I want the person to be my person.. but I don’t really know what that entails.
So I'm aroace and recently got in a queerplatonic relationship and I've been trying to figure out how I feel about them. And alterous attraction perfectly describes how I feel. Thank you for making this video 😁
Glad I could help!
im happy for you!!!
I’m so glad this is an actual term. Sometimes we feel more than a friendship with people. Like almost in love feelings but we’re not romantically attracted. In my later years of life I’ve felt this more.
There is nothing more than friendship. Friendship is the strongest bond there is.
6:13 - 6:22: SAM (Split Attractions Model): "You don't have to break everything down to that degree of specificity, but if it helps you navigate the world or enables you to feel better about yourself, then I, the Split Attraction Model, am here for you."
This. 👆
This makes my heart so happy. I heard about alterous attraction recently and it finally made since that I couldnt tell whether I liked someone platonically or romantically lmao. This video put into words something that I could never explain, and I thank you for that.
Glad I could be of some help ☺
To break it down for anyone who isn't aromantic or aroace... or similar things
Imagine it like colorblindness...
The lines between a platonic relationship (friendship)... and a romantic relationship.. are blurry.
It's hard to differentiate between the two.
And an easy test for yourself.. is just like the colorblindness test... but instead of dots that are different colors, hiding the meaning of a number or letter... there is a hidden level of intimacy... We don't see the level of intimacy actively.. that seperates a friendship from a romantic relationship... and even then, intimacy looks different for everyone else..
For me, an intimate relationship could just be spending time together doing the same hobby...
So technically.. drawing something with my brother.. could be called an intimate relationship... but that is not so great to think about :/
OMG OMG OMG! I have never felt so validated in my entire life. Me and my partner started off as girlfriends after realising we both wanted to get closer to each other which we thought was romantic, but then recently we redefined it and talked through everything we felt about it and realised that maybe defining as a 100% romantic relationship didn’t necessarily fit. Which is when o suggested relabelling to a QPR (labels are important to them) and it felt more comfortable for both of us and like it fit. But I know it is much deeper than platonic but idk if it’s 100% romantic- which is why we found this middle ground (we both really struggle to differentiate between romantic and platonic feelings) but knowing this is a thing that others experience too- it makes me realise that I could have Alterous feelings towards them and just knowing that makes me feel less confused as to how I feel- because I know I like them as more than just a friend but I struggle to know if feelings are romantic, and QPR just seems like the best label for the both of us . But omg knowing this label exists makes me feel so validated (though I still don’t really feel like any label fits me- which is why I just use queer or bi because I think it’s the closet to how I feel).
Glad this could help!
And totally vibe with the no knowing exactly where you fit but being content with using words that are close enough :P
I refer to these as alterous partners
Labels aside, it's just so difficult to make allosexual people understand that love is such a varied and profound thing. It's just so unfortunate that when you have an interest for someone they assume you want to kiss them etc.
@@SarahBaker-q9k Yess. And idk if you can relate to this, but when i see an objectively attractive person, they're attractive but im not attracted to them. Like it sounds crazy but its weird to me how allos can just see an attractive person and ask them out. Like, wouldnt you want to know them first? How can you have a crush on someone just by seeing them?
@@CorynneFord I know, right? When I see someone attractive I'd love to be around them but that doesn't mean I have a crush. Sometimes I lose interest as soon as they start speaking, lol.
i have no idea what im feeling. theres this guy i met in 7th grade and we were friends until we hated wach other and stopped talking lol. but i started to feel some way dyring 9th grade abt him. it wasnt exactly romance, i dont think, but my heart beat faster, i got rly excited when i saw him, and i really wanted to talk to him. 10th grade, i didnt see him at all and thats when i discovered i was on the ace and aro spectrum. so 11th grade hits and guess what, i get those same feelings when i see him. its only him. hes the first person ive ever felt this way towards. ever. and i dont know what it is. i want to be more than friends, but not in a relationship. i cringe whenver i think of us doing sexual or romantic stuff. but regular friend stuff isnt enough either... i want to see him and be with him all the time ughhh. wtf is this
Feelings are confusing and I wish you all the best in working it all out 💜
this is literally what im feeling with my crush rn
Wait cause you just described how I feel about my guy friend
oh my god ifkr 😭
Thank you so much for this video!
I found out about alterous attraction a little while back and it made me realize that I was aro, and that my need for relationships was from an unhealthy thing that society pushed "romantic" relationships.
What opened my eyes even more is when I learned that the concept of _romance was invented in the last couple centuries._ When one looks into what romance actually is, one learns that it's defined as a set of _behaviors._ Really really toxic behaviors. Like putting the feelings of one's partner(s) above those of others, staying together no matter what, etc.
discovering i'm demialterous (edit: and arospec) has given me so much freedom, but at the same time, having to try to explain it has been a struggle, because it gets _so specific_ for me. it's more than just the type of attraction and when i start to feel it.
Dude meee. Aro and Demiromantic, among three other labels. Heeelppp
thank you so much for making this video!! :] i recently asked out my now-qpp and im having a really hard time working through my feelings >__< on one hand i dont think that "platonic" fits us completely but on the other i dont think "romantic" would fit either. i feel most comfy calling us a qpr but most ppl say that queerplatonic relationships are strictly nonromantic and its really confusing :'') that being said, im also aroace and im starting to think that i have alterous feelings towards them... that or im just gonna try to stop labelling it at all haha. however things work out, this video is really helpful and im glad to see other aspec creators talking about their experiences. ive hardly seen any videos on aromanticism and branching terms from those communities and it means a lot to me that this exists
Thank-you so much for this comment and all the best for sorting through your feelings and for any conversations with your qpp that may happen going forward.
I hope you find what you need :)
@@ArtemisMunoz thank you so much :)
I am very very very late to this, but to my understanding, qpr exist both outside and at the intersection of romantic and platonic relationships, and not every qpr is the same. So, a somewhat romantic qpr is possible.
I think I have this exact attraction towards my music teacher. We're both females, and I am just so interested in her, almost platonic, but not. But then when I think about romantic wise, its also not that. It's just right in between platonic and romantic. I just love her so much, and I'd love to tell her, but I don't want her to get weirded out cause shes married :/
Good luck, whatever you decide.
I feel this way about one of my teachers/advisor. There’s a connection but it’s not romantic
You're SO SMART! like... I'm 30, getting married in 3 months e decided to look deeper into my emotional connection with a close friend of mine (also childood friend with my future husband...) never heard the term alterous but it fits so much better than everything else! Can't believe I struggled sooo much, for years... And also got judgmental comments from some of the friends I've talk with about! THANK YOU!
Glad I could help. I'm no smarter than anyone else - just sharing something I had encountered that I found useful as I thought it might help others too :)
I'm happy you found some way to understand the way you feel better! Lots of love to you..!
3:21 LMAO *not me going around asking people what romantic attraction feels like when i was questioning*
someone told me that if u feel it youll just know right away so thats how i knew i was aro
also i tried imagining myself in a romantic relationship and everytime i did i'll just cringe so thats another thing that made me think i was aro 😂
Relatable as heck. “You’ll know when you feel it” sometimes seems to me more like “Look, I don’t know what it is either. Stop asking me.” but that may just be me projecting 😂
looool yeaaahhh, me asking about sexual attraction. Still can't belive its something real tbh.
@@Tai-xw6uy ikr. i had a sexuality crisis the other day and i asked allo/demi/aspec people what it feels like they described it and i couldnt rly believe it ao guess im ace i guess
@@hypnosesgodchild still get those sometimes tbh, out of nowhere I'm like "I might be wrong" and then I start researching for it like the first time, doing quizzes omg- lolol, but then I'm like "nah, that's not normal for me" so it's a cycle... But im glad it's working out for you!!! Thanks for answering me btw! have a good day!!!
@@Tai-xw6uy sameeee 🥲 every once in a while ill just have a crisis
have a good day too ^_^
i watched this back in august and started questioning if i was aspec, i thought i wasn't until i felt romantic attraction for the first time (i'm 16) and i just had that "Oh! none of my previous 'crushes' felt like this before, it never physically hurt not being in a romantic relationship with them" moment. So thanks for helping me figure out that i'm greyromantic and tenatively only into guys romantically
Glad I could be a help. May you keep exploring for as long as you need and be proud for who you are always :)
This explains so much! Now I can finally sleep in peace
I mostly feel alterous attraction and I'm so happy to see videos on it
I'm not sure if I have meshes or squishes. I'm ace, demiromantic, but feel really strong connections to people where they're not the same level as my romantic partner, but I still feel a deep connection that isn't romantic. So I'm not sure if it's platonic or what. For me, I've decided that the names don't matter as much as explaining to people what my boundaries are, and where they are and how much I care about them. Even if I suck at doing that because of my disabilities.
100%
The words are only useful if they're useful.
Glad you have an approach that works for you.
Sending good vibes
💚
Great video! Always good to see more educational videos about more obscure identities and attractions!
We need to get the word out there somehow! Otherwise people just end up going around thinking they're broken - and we absolutely cannot have that!
I’m a Demiromantic Asexual, I’ve noticed how even when I’m in a romantic relationship I don’t like doing certain relationship stuff like the big one is physical touch, I’m cool with dates if I know them but if not then I’m gonna say no,suprisingly peoples ideas of a date is to be asked at by a stranger,even tho I’m Demiromantic,romantic relationships are not fully romantic or platonic,however I still want a romantic relationship because you can be AroAce and still want/desire a romantic relationship because being AroAce is about attraction,like feeling no romantic attraction but wanting one or sometimes or in certain situations feel romantic attraction and desire a romantic relationship which can make it extremely difficult,for me I take FOREVER so that’s probably why I’m always the one to make the first move tbh but I’m also not entirely romantic ether,I still am Demiromantic because it’s about my romantic attraction/how I experience it, I resonate with an Aromantic term called soft romo which means that it’s not exactly obvious your in a romantic relationship for example if your not holding hands or whatever,if that’s not me idk what it
Glad you've found a framework that works for you!
As an explicitly non-asexual this feels like it occupies the same space for asexual people as friends w/ benefits does for sexual people? I have had many people in my life that I had these in-between relationships not quite a friend but not romantic, but much more than platonic.....
Alterous attraction could certainly track to those kinds of experiences. It's not just for ace folks. In fact, it has nothing to do with sexual attraction - playing instead in the murky areas between friendship and romance. Defs could involve dynamics like this and many others too :)
I find it so funny that i have alterous attraction and it was coiner by someone schizotypal
And i might be schizotypal
I'd been wrestling with my feelings towards a close friend of mine for a little while now, because it FELT like I considered them more than "just a friend," but I couldn't say I wanted to date them or have a romantic relationship with them. It was definitely messing with my head and stressing me out. But another friend who I was talking to linked me both this video and your short film, and it was like someone had finally put the right words in my head. An "alterous attraction" definitely fits my experience. It made talking to the first friend about my feelings towards her a lot easier, and we are on really great terms. Thank you for this!
This video has opened my eyes to a totally different way to look at attraction and relationships. I was already starting to think about things differently in some ways due to being asexual and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum myself, but I hadn't considered looking at things in such a different way at all. I have a ton to think about, thanks for introducing me to this, it's gonna be fun!
"romo humans" - great wording, thank you!
You’re welcome
I was confident in my aromantic and agender identities, but in the last few months I’ve discovered autism might(?) significantly affect my conception of gender identity, and it learned about a new type of romantic-ish attraction that aligns decently well with my experience. All has remushed into the chaos that I first dug my queer identities out of.
I feel you. Regardless of if you find the specificities to describe your experience or not, I hope you are able to move through the world comfortably enough.
For me what has help has been (instead of niching down into more specific language) to broaden out to umbrella labels and letting the intricacies be what they are (for example I broadly call myself aspec and non-binary as my general most-used-words)
Neuroqueer is also a term I’ve heard that might be useful to you 💜
I just realised I'm aro a couple weeks ago when someone recommended to make a list of all the types of attraction and definitions that make sense to you and next to romantic was "???" and I think that said quite enough. Like I know it's the societal norm and what most people feel towards their partners but I can't come up with my "own" definition, but I love every aspect of a romantic relationship I can think of, the hugs, cuddles, kisses, cute dates, loyalty, moving in together, getting married, having kids/pets together, all of it. I identified as cupioro for a while but it didn't quite fit. This is still very new to me but at the minute cupio isn't the right label because to me romantic attraction and romantic relationships occur concurrently. That's not to say cupio people aren't valid, you absolutely are, but that's just my way of working out who I am. That's why I identify as Bellusromantic. I love all the romantic actions but want to enjoy them in a non romantic way. I also think a lot of it is down to my "why can't these traditionally romantic things be applied to a non romantic relationship?" attitude.
1. Friendships vs Romance
As I mentioned I cannot define romance for the life of me, and I only have 2 close friends, and all I know is that I'd never be in a relationship with them. Platonic attraction is strictly friends, but I still want a non romantic non platonic relationship, hence I'm here.
2. What alterous is to me
It's very much like a romantic relationship, and may look like that to most people, but to us it's not, we may do all the traditionally romantic things, but our relationship is not romantic.
Thanks for teaching us about this! The aro-spec needs to be more well-known. (I'm aroace)
Glad it was helpful!
Oh my gosh i have alterous attraction its so good to find a video
Sadly i found it through a QPR video since my best friend is queerplatonic
I got this vid recommended and now I really need to look up the split attraction model some more!
It’s useful stuff!
I literally just found out about this like a day ago and now I'm finding this video. I've never personally had it, but it seems like a struggle and this give me somewhat more understanding of it which is cool. good video mate!
Thanks :)
Hey! Thanks so much for your content! (: This is great and very helpful!!
I was wondering what's the difference between alterous and sensual attraction...?
What I have figured out yet is that sensual attraction kind of describes best what I'm feeling for a somebody. Also I stumbled across the term 'lush' as in a sensual crush.
Now RUclips kindly introduced me to your Videos and ALTEROUS.
Your perspective quite nailed my struggles and I can relate so much! :D
Still there seems to be something more... intriguing (?) going on with sensuality and wanting to be close to that person in my case. (Sorry, words fall short here.) Maybe it's just a little more on the romantic side butt still alterous?
Can attraction be alterous and also sensual or would that be very sensually alterous? :'D
Are they more like synonyms or is the difference that not everybody experiences sensual attraction towars their mesh but usually 'lushes' can be called alterous or are just like a kind of mesh? Like an umbrella term?
There's so much to be figured out! Hahah still not sure what exactly 'romantic' is for most people. I love these spectrums ans how people care to describe their feelings!
Sensual attraction is a draw to someone based in the senses (touch, smell... etc)
Alterous attraction is a non-platonic non-romantic emotional attraction.
You 100% can feel both things. Just like people can have romantic partners AND friends at the same time. You could have meshes (alterous crushes) and lushes (a term you have just taught me, thanks :D) at the same time.
Good luck with working things out! Glad I could be slightly helpful :D
Oh god is this what I've been doing for the last three years-
👁️👄👁️ * *reconsideres life choices* *
I once saw an explanation on Reddit which I think was pretty much in the spot. For me at least.
They said something like „when someone has a crush they might have butterflies or are nervous and many people also describe an almost physical pain when they describe their relationship to me. QPR/Alterous Attraction is just so much more chill“
Well I thought that describes pretty well what it feels like for me. I thought about being in a „normal“ romantic relationships with someone but that is so troublesome.
I mean, having butterflies are so on is kinda cute I think but it’s so much easier and chill without being this nervousness and „do you love me“ that has to be confessed first
yes I've fallen in love/had romantic crushes and it's just so intense 😖
I come back a month later and realize how bad my English was
I hope one can even understand what I am saying
@@alexrose20 ahh yes that’s bad
I had that too once and it’s so weird
I always wanted to be around that person but I thought „I don’t want act strange around them, I better don’t talk to them“ and I thought they don’t even like me so I’d just be annoying for them
For me I actually do get the nervousness and butterflies but not really in a romantic way
All I can say is that I do experience butterflies in my stomach and nervousness, and still don't want a romantic relationship with holding hands, kisses, etc. So perhaps that explanation on Reddit wasn't on point.
I think I've experienced this before, I've never experienced romantic or sexual attraction and I don't think I ever will (in short, I'm aroace) but there have been times where I've liked people and it definitely wasn't platonic or queerplatonic. I think my first mesh was either a girl I knew called imogen, I thought she was really cool and I wanted to be close to her but not the way I'd be close to a friend, or a guy I knew called Milo where I felt the same thing, at the time I thought they were crushes but, looking back, neither were crushes, they were meshes. I've had a few more meshes but I always thought they were crushes because I didn't know I was aromantic and I never had the vocabulary to describe what I was really feeling. I found this video really helpful because it helped me realise what things I've been feeling for certain people, thank you for making this.
Wow! I love how you explained this. I am not ACE but I have found myself to be in a relationship like this more then once. It's really hard to talk about. I met someone recently who I clicked with right away. They also have a mesh on me.
The issue has been, we most likely will never have sex. We talk about it a lot but nothing gets started. It's like we both want to keep it a fantasy so the vibe isn't broken.
What I uave noticed is a patern on the part of my mesh to get irritated when I start to show physical attraction to someone else. I get multiple text asking me if I am ok or with love heart emojis out of the blue. I feel off balance with them.
This video will help with the talk I am going to have with them. We need to set some boundaries in better spots. Ether they stop texting me at midnight or we take it to that next level already emotionally.
I'm not aromantic, but to my great surprise I have experienced alterous attraction several times and am still completely lost with it, I'm super glad I can find a video about it 😀
The only thing I am still super confused about is : what do I do with it ? Usually, I want to hold my meshes, to be close to them physically, but I don't want to kiss them or go further... And I don't know if I can ask that to someone who wouldn't experience the same thing as me, or I may feel bad as I feel like it would "lead nowhere" (thx society for these ingrained ideas). So I'm really glad to understand more this feeling andto be validated, but if anyone has any tip on what to do with it, I'd be super happy :D
Honestly the same advice I give to everyone is to try to communicate your wants and feelings with openness and honesty (as long as you feel safe or that it will be a positive for you). Even if someone may not have the same experience as you, they may have similar wants for different reasons or may be happy with doing something if they value your relationship and it will make you happy. The only way to know is to have that conversation.
@@ArtemisMunoz thanks a lot for your answer 💜
Thank you for talking about this, and in such a beautiful way. I feel like alterous attraction is more common than we realise. Also, why is nobody talking about your amazing voice at the end???
Hehe thanks for the vocal compliment :P
I do think it's probably pretty common - a side-effect of the application of language not being broad or ready enough for nuance. Arospecs will notice it more easily but I can certainly see many alloromantic people experiencing this and dismissing it.
damn this video was super helpful ty for making content abt this !! i thought i had a crush on one of my best friends a while back but it was never quite fully romantic, and at the same time it definitely wasn’t platonic - i knew i liked her and had a crush on her but at the same time i was completely fine just being friends with her, i didn’t mind that she’s aro / ace and wouldn’t romantically like me back, and the idea of dating her just felt off and wrong
i felt really confused about this for ages but this has helped me start to realise some things and work it all out in my head :)
Glad I could be of help
Hello !
I'm in a similar situation, may I ask what you did about it ? :)
@@inesmartin1966 tbf there wasn’t actually much I could really do 😭
luckily our friendship was chill enough for us to both just be happy with the situation as it was - I didn’t feel the need to like properly confess and be in an official romantic relationship w her, I just loved spending time w her and being close to her. She actually knew I had a crush on her the entire time n she was actually very relaxed with it all (even though I thought she’d hate it if she knew), and we were just happy at the time having a close undefined relationship.
Sorry I can’t rlly give any specific advice bc it ofc depends heavily on the situation but good luck !
@@잎새-o1j no worries, thanks a lot for answering ! 😁
In the definition alterous attraction is distinguished as well from Queer-Platonic attraction. But as far as I understand it, both Alterous and Queer-Platonic attraction are definitions for forms of attraction which do not fit in societies "standard" typed of relationships. So aren't they interchangeable with each other?
Hai, I’ve answered this in the comments before but when I made this video (which I shot 3 and a half years ago) I had only heard of “queer platonic” as a relationship style, not a form of attraction. My suggestion would be - use whatever word you think helps you communicate the best. Synonyms exist in a lot of places, it’s up to you to work out what nuances in implication work best for the ideas you are trying to communicate (and your audience)
Thank you for making this video! It is so well-crafted and you’re really well spoken.
I remember finding the term alterous attraction around a few years ago and realizing emotional attraction perfectly described the not-exactly-crushes I had as a little kid.
For me alterous attraction is emotional attraction. I don’t want to date my meshes, or be friends with them. I want to pick their brain and know their soul, their true self, their insecurities, and sometimes I want to extend my own true self back.
But most of my meshes haven’t been intense, and it’s easy for me to ignore. They were small enough that as a little kid I didn’t acknowledge them as crushes (because I thought that it was having a crush but it wasn’t actually strong enough to be a crush), and I pushed the feelings down.
I’ve always sort of clearly identified this feeling in myself, I just didn’t know what to call them, nor did I know at the time that strange “non-platonic” feelings did not necessarily mean they were crushes.
Having a mesh for me definitely isn’t romantic or platonic, I’m not even sure if it’s something in between. To me it’s more like I want to find a bench to sit down with a stranger I’ve never talked to and spill all my deepest thoughts and feelings to them.
It makes me glad too that the term alterous attraction can encompass so many different specific meanings. So thank you Artemis, again, for making such a well-made video talking about this so that people can know!
Thanks for watching!
I think I feel this way about a new friend I made. We’re both queer women, but I don’t think it’s romantic. I want to be her best friend and her girlfriend at the same time… I love her so much i feel like the only way i can show it is by kissing her, but in a platonic way. I definitely don’t feel attracted to her in a sexual way, I just feel like I lover a lot and I haven’t felt this way before about anyone in my life.
WAIT THERES A WORD FOR HOW I FEEL?!?!
"How you define friendship, how you define romance"
Me who can't tell platonic from romantic: *visibly confused*
I guess if I were to describe myself in this way, I would be:
Grayasexual
Grayaromantic
Panaesthetic
Panplatonic
Pansensual
Panalterous
This is exactly how i'v been describing how I feel for so long and I just haven't had the word
So I can now share how I'm feeling about Brooke using the right terminology and can better explain any questions
Thank you, it doesn't take away all the confusion but it helps with a lot of it
💜💚
Glad I could help!
is it possible to have romantic attraction but no sexual attraction to one gender and the opposite to the other ?
Yeah
Do you think that Alterous attraction might be the "non-romantic version" of the commonly known "romantic love" that the aromantic people feel when they find their special one/s?
I’m at 2:27 and have already wanted to comment something. As in not only keep going if you want but also even if it doesn’t strictly apply to me, this seems like it’d be good to know and informative.
I completely forgot that this existed and questioned my sexuality for like months even though past me saw this and knew💀
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’ve felt infactuation and not actual love, and learning about all these alterous, and arospec and acespec sexualities is really helping. I just have to figure out the best way to tell my boyfriend.
hmm .. I am confused as heck. How should I know what this is when I don't know what this ominous romantic attraction is? And what is platonic attraction? :D
I hope I'll find people to connect with, people who are willing to share parts of their life with me supporting one another and with whom I'll feel deeply connected. I hope I'll find people where a lable doesn't matter.
Haha yeah it's definitely confusing.
A thing I like to tell myself is that labels are language so just like any word - there are times when they are useful and other times when they are less so. It's all situational.
But yesss good connections and community are super important
This makes a lot of sense to me. I call myself a lesbian because I’m only romantically and sexually attracted to women/enbies. I would only ever date a woman or fem enby person. But I’ve had alterous attraction to men as well. There are some guys in my life who I have a strong emotional connection to that’s non-romantic
"My aro ass cannot for the life of me tell what romance is," is the most relatable statement I have ever heard.
🙃
Huge thanks for this video! It helped!👍 I tried not to label my feelings, but some part of my mind was constantly asking is it OK to feel something that is not a romantic love, but not a friendship either or maybe I "simulate" this feeling? Of course heteroromantic normativity is the ultimate cause of these questions, it oppresses all of us. But now after I understood that there is a WORD for it and many people experience roughly the same I finally stopped to ask this question! Woohoo! My lambs got silenced!😆
Eyyyy glad I could be of some use! 😁
hey tysm for making this video!! im very bad with personally labelling myself despite wanting to put a name to the way i feel, and the way you explain things makes things feel a lot more simple :)
theres someone ive been very close friends with for around.. five, six years now? found eachother in middle school and we've been around till my junior year. for a good few years now ive been thinking im hopelessly in love, but for some reason i really didnt. feel it was quite romantic. i very easily identified as asexual early on but identifying as aromantic was always back and forth for me, since i told myself i wanted /more/ than a platonic relationship.
i have friends, i have close friends, but something is so deeply different about this person in a way i cant quite explain- but i think alterous fits it the best.
you're insanely underrated for how well you display information, definitely have to go look through your stuff
Awww thank-you! I hope you find something of merit in my other videos too
I experience both queerplatonic crushes and alterous crushes (I don't like using those other terms like mesh and stuff because "crush" is a better well-known term) and I am not aromantic at all
Soisthatwierdfeelingigetalterous
Thank you so much for the explanation. I experience romance and have romantic partners. But I’ve had feeling for a friend I haven’t been able to place for years and it’s been tormenting me. The prompt of thinking about the difference between friendship and romance really clicked. Super helpful
I’m Recipromantic and my friend just confessed then played it off as a joke, no clue if I like them but I want to be in a queer platonic relationship I think idk help
I'm sorry to hear that.
The only help I can offer is the validation that that must be really confusing. Perhaps you can let them know how that interaction made you feel?
That's my main form of attraction tbh lol
Well, after aesthetic
This is so real for me. Like, I can never really tell if I want to be good friends with someone, or if I want to date them. It’s usually somewhere in the middle where I’d be chill either way. There may also be an aspect here, at least for me that I think I should have a crush on someone because that’s “normal” and if I don’t like have those feelings then I’m not? But I mean the feelings still exist so who knows
That is relatable and sometimes it’s hard to separate our social conditioning from our actual feelings. Either way, your experience is yours and this language is here if it’s useful to help you describe it.
Thanks for making this video! I'm aroace, and I get really confused on what type of attraction I am feeling, so I mix up romantic attraction with aesthetic and alterous attraction, and get confused easily. This cleared things up a bunch, and there isn't much about this topic!
My Alterous Attraction is causing me distress and I think it’s a mental health issue.
Attraction to others is not a mental health issue but if you are experiencing mental distress in relation to it I suggest getting help either from people you trust or a healthcare professional. I am not qualified to give you mental health advice but will send you good internet vibes and hope that you get the support you need
I’m Lithoromantic and honestly we don’t get brought into the lime-light enough so Tysm for making this,A thing I see often , from people is that we haven’t “the one” like bruh- if I haven’t that special someone yet then where TF are they?!
Why does Sam sound like one of my Second school teachers I keep feeling like I have to write down notes
Haha maybe because the Split Attraction Model is IMPORTANT
(But more likely because I'm doing a very specific accent so... if your teacher had that accent, that'd do it!)
Is it possible to experience alterous, romantic, platonic, and sexual attraction as one person?
You can definitely feel multiple forms of attraction at once!
Thank you so much:) it makes me feel a little less messy about figuring out jazz:)
Glad it helped!
I literally never heard of this till today and now I'm confused on weather or not I am having this. I'm in a qpr with somebody who I am vary emotionally attached to, I love him more then a friend but not romantically either so I'm not sure exactly what's going on there.
Sending good vibes. The confusion is valid and you don't NEED to work things out quickly or heck even at all - but if the word alterous could help... it's there for you :)
Society belives that were panplatonic but just up to certain age. In the amatonormative society is it seen as a quite weird to have friends of opposite sex as an adult, especially if you have a partner of the opposite sex.
Heck yeah I’m having an aro spec crisis one again as per usual and I think this actually might describe me so the feeling of relief in my is palpable. I already have a tonnnn of labels but OUGH this one fits so well so time to add it to the list maybee
Aro spec crisis just in time for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week!
Hopefully this was a bit useful to you and that you find yourself in a zone of stability soon 💚
@@ArtemisMunoz bcyhegcjyddg yep!
It was! Thank you :)
This has definitely given me something to think about, thank you for sharing all of this
No worries! So glad I could help :)
Huh I’ve never thought much about this but I think I may have experienced this and had meshes before there are so many times where I’ve licked someone as more then a friend but saying I had a crush or in one case even dating them felt so wrong
This was cool and interesting .
Glad you enjoyed!
I think it might just be a deep appreciation for the deep friendship or what y’all think
Whenever I see terms with which I identify, I feel relieved, but at the same time I think it's stupid to classify emotions in this way, because even if I feel more identified with one thing, I always end up feeling that there is a part that "doesn't fit".
And by god...the concept of "platonic love" refers to the conception of love for the greek philosopher Platón who deals with this idea in his work "The Banquet". For him, love was something essentially pure and devoid of passions, because these are essentially blind, material, ephemeral and false. Platonic love, therefore, is not based on interest, but is based on virtue...in other words, there is no need to put "panplatonic"...this is not about sexes or genders...
Words evolve my friend! I am well aware that’s not what Plato meant but this is how the word is used now 😊
And I get you re: finding words that fit but still not quite. It’s why I think I tend to prefer super categories than things that get into minute details (aspec, non-binary…etc). But still, I’m sure someone out there finds this useful which is why I shared it 😁
I'm just now figuring this out in my 30s. I think that what I always thought were typical crushes and romantic attraction were what felt to me like more of an unexplained and indescribable soul connection or bond. Like a love at first sight kind of reaction, but soooo deep it's scary and painful to be separated from them. And because those feelings would almost always happen with men, I just figured I was hetero and boy crazy. But after years of trying and failing to make conventional relationships work the way I'd always seen them modeled, I've realized that the idea of romance and physical intimacy (even with the people I have those intense feelings for) makes me *extremely* uncomfortable, and I would rather engage in sexual activity privately. So I started thinking I might be some kind of aro/ace and just refined from there as I learned more.
I thought I was quoiromantic at first, but I saw someone suggest alterous attraction in response to someone else's questions and it feels like a better fit.
I have alterous attraction to one of my friends, but I was so confused about it for a long time because I wasn't educated on it. Since thinking about things I've come to terms with this, and I'm actually really happy about it.
Part of me wants to tell her, because most of the things I want to do differently could still be done in a friendship, and I don't really mind what happens.
However, part of me also doesn't want to. I've always been a bit anxious confessing how I feel to others. Also I feel like she might have romantic feelings for me, and I wouldn't want to lead her or give her false hope.
I've decided for now that I'll only say something if it comes up, but otherwise I'll stay quiet. But I'm aware that this won't be good long term if my feelings stay the same. Do you have any advice?
EDIT: I have since talked to her about it, and it went really well! We've changed a few things in our relationship, and now have a better understanding of each other.
I mean my advice tends to be that open and honest communication is usually a good thing. Of course you need to feel safe first. That’s more important. If you feel like you can’t be open about your alterous feelings maybe you can get more granular and talk about certain things you would like from your relationship? Whether that’s more time together or to co-parent a plant or whatever. Maybe that’s an in-between step you can take?
@@ArtemisMunoz Hi, thanks for your advice. I had a chat with my friend about it last week and it went really well. She's okay with the things I want to change, and even feels the same way about me:)
10 seconds in and oh god that definition sounds like me-
edit: (pretty sure it’s me) thanks for sharing this!!! I’ve recently identified as bi aroace since its most comfortable and (I was actually talking to my counselor about this the other day) I feel like the “bi” part is describing an attraction that isn’t really platonic or romantic-I’m just drawn to people in an undefined way but I don’t particularly desire to be great friends with them, or to hug/kiss/get in a relationship with them and it’s been confusing. I probably won’t change my label but this was really reassuring to see because it’s so similar to my own experience ❤
So, here's me. A biromantic idiot, slowly questioning rather I have a crush on my best friend or I love her platonically.
All the best for figuring it out!
I just had this convo w my bsf a week ago and I’m so happy she’s chill. I love her to bits! Anyways we didn’t want anything to change really but I want to call her my partner. She’s ok with the term but isn’t ready for the social pressure which I feel also. We just don’t wanna be bound by our actions meaning specific attractions I guess? I wanna hold her hand and tell her how much I love her! We’re gonna be roomates one day! Anyways, we’re really compatible and I’m so happy we’re in a place comfortable enough to have these conversations!
Being Aromantic is like being on the same road as everyone else on the way to to love, except you’re missing a leg.
Aroace people don’t have any legs.
Being Aromantic is like being on the same road as everyone else on the way to to love, except you’re missing a leg.
Aroace people don’t have any legs.
I still don't really get it, i'm aro but isn't this just describing someone experiencing a mix of platonic and romantic/aesthetic attraction? Or just a weak form of romantic attraction? Or even a strong form of platonic attraction?
This is a great video! I don't think I experience alterous attraction, but I do experience queerplatonic attraction, and I've always had a hard time understanding what the difference is. I'm still not all the way there, but this video helped a lot in understanding what it is. And it was fun to watch too, without feeling like just a copy-paste of the definition I've heard everywhere, so thanks!
honestly, hearing the idea of the split attraction model and using it helped figure me out a bit more. I knew that I was aroace, but I didn't know that the same/similar affixes could be used for other attractions. Thank you, this video was very helpful.
Very glad to have been a help!
Getting a bit emotional while watching this, tysm for making this 😭💞💞💞💞
We are human. We are social creatures. It’s cute that you young people are making up all kinds of pointless terms to try to pigeonhole the fact that people simply like to be around other people for a variety of reasons. It’s not complicated.
it sounds very like what "romantic friendship" means
Grey aroace, Demiplatonic, Pansensual,and Panaesthetic
great video, thanks for the acknowledgement of country to the Wurundjeri people
Glad you liked it! And it's literally the least I can do. Trying not to let these acknowledgements be just empty words.
9:17 wait I was supposed to have already figured out what alterous attraction is
why are we not telling children this exists?
"they were roomates" feeling?
This video has made me realize that most of my friends are feminine or wemon if not trans or nonbianary and the only male friend I have that's isn't my bf and my bfs bffs boyfriend is my ex from 7thgrade who was my first guy friend after I transitioned and is still the only one I am super close too
Confused???? No this explains EVERYTHING
I just discovered now that I had that feeling for a friend. I was so confused at the time and our relationship ended pretty bad because of that.
She liked me in a romantic way. Although I couldn't entirely respond in the same way, I wasn't sure about the "friendship" feeling. So our relationship got really messy. Wish I knew about this sooner. Thank you so much for the video :)