The dismal state of modern dating
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
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TIMESTAMPS
0:00 Is it time to purge dating apps?
4:07 Get 60% off your Babbel subscription!
6:56 Why is modern dating so bad? | The rise of polyamory-as-trend
19:52 Men's settling issue
22:50 Social pressure and modern dating
FURTHER READING
www.reuters.com/lifestyle/tin...
www.npr.org/2024/02/14/123151...
www.theguardian.com/lifeandst...
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In the past, you seemed to almost be intent on showing yourself in the worst way. That had to do with lighting (strong overhead being worst for anybody) and also bad camera angles. Go take a look at your lonely forever Short from 2 yrs ago. Nothing to do with false eyelashes, which nobody notices anyway.
Now split your bangs, because that's what your face shape wants. You can use a mentor.
People who can't make monogamous relationships work are now going to try to tackle polyamory? I'm not sticking around to see how this turns out.
Polyamory works for some. Not you, perhaps, but that's your own problem.
@@shin-ishikiri-noI think OP point was that there’s some people who can’t actually deal with the difficulties of a relationship with just one person but also think they can handle multiple relationships at the same time as if polyamory was somehow easier than monogamy when you’re not maintaining existing relationships well you shouldn’t be adding more into it.
From my experience as a bi woman goes like this: entitled dude constantly ruins two relationships at once, gets a third one to make himself feel better. His partners cannot get any other partners because they actually have jobs and no time. And when they try people tell them they're sluts for trying to date more than one guy. The end.
Polyamory isn't "relationships".
It is an euphemism for "sleeping around".
@namethefirstofhisnam7986 Part of the reason it's "difficult" to deal with one person is if you are polyamorous and they are not, they will leave you even if nothing else is wrong. It has very little to do with compatibility in other domains, so unless you are dealing with ONE polyamorous partner at a time, and things don't work out (habitually), then it's not fair to make that argument.
One point I must disagree on: I don't think it's healthy to expect your partner to fulfill ALL your needs ALL of the time. I think we all underestimate the importance of friendship. Your needs will change and the capacity of our partner to accomodate them will too, most likely. It might fluctuate. It's not hard science.
Yeah but relationships should not be about having ALL your needs fullfilled... I see this argument all the time and it drives me crazy, loving someone and being loved is what makes a relationship worthwhile, not having your "needs" fullfilled
I agree with you! In my personal experience having a social circle with trusted friends/family members, some form of a community is absolutely essential. Having just one person to depend on, and fully depending on one person isn't ideal.
But from the context of the video I think Kid is more talking about the specific needs one has in terms of a partnership.
many people can't even have that. it's insane.
@@hollerbachemil7349fair point!
@@vivvy_0I know. I've been there. Building friendships is hard.
The dating app download and immediately delete is so real 💀😭
This is me with Instagram rn 😅🫠
I think if you can't find someone after a few months on a dating app you should probably get off.
I used dating apps 3 times and Each time I went on a dating app within 2-5 weeks I had a relationship off the app and each one was long term. My most recent experience in 2022 led me to meet my beloved fiance👩🏾❤️👨🏼 💍 who suits me the best and who loves me so much . We became exclusive within 2 weeks of me being on the app.
With dating apps the longer you stay there the less likely you are to meet someone who matches you and people can't let go. They end up getting addicted to the app and stay on there far too long even though they aren't getting results.
I had years break between each time I went on the apps.
1000% shamefully accurate 😅 ☠️
Yep, tis true. I did it several times.
i did it like 10 times in spam of few years, usually deleted after 2 days
Honestly, as a guy, I’m very put off by modern dating that I have no motivation to put myself out there: I have yet to use a dating app. There’s a growing fear I have that I will inevitably fall for the wrong person, and later regret it.
When I make friends, I make those friends by engaging with them and wanting to continue to pursue that friendship. When it comes to relationships, it seems like I have to sell myself within a competitive market, and it just feels so off-putting and cold.
"I have yet to use a dating app." Don't do it.
@@Deleteyourself83 The warning is much appreciated!
Exactly. I recall some dates feeling like job interviews. We need to do away with modern dating and bring back courtship.
I'm starting to accept that I might die alone
Additionally, you go on "the dating market" with the preceived notion to find a romantic partner. In my opinion, love should be based on a friendship. I just can't fathom coming up to someone without knowing them yet as a person and ask them, either directly or indirectly, if they could imagine having one of the most intimate relationships humans came up with with me.
One of the greatest quotes regarding dating that resonates with me more and more as time goes by is from the younger sister charter in 500 Days of Summer: “Just because she likes the same weird shit as you doesn’t make her your soulmate.”
I've lost a child in my dream. Even though I dont have kids. I've always wanted a daughter and that desire caused me dream of my 4 year old child. She sat across from me while we were on a daddy daughter date. I eventually woke up and felt a huge sense of loss in that moment. I even almost cried. I've also, been on my deathbed more times than I can count, and I've fallen in love a few times as well in my dreams. Dreams really do feel real sometimes and when we lose these people in our dreams, you can find yourself grieving the moment you wake up.
Yes, stuff like this happened to me.
You kind of don't know if you want to sleep forever, or never sleep again to not face the loss of waking up.
@@okamaman7324 "you don't know if you want to sleep forever or never sleep again." That's hit me hard lol
the realest dream I’ve ever had finished exactly with the same image that I saw waking up. that was nothing compared to what I felt 1 min later. but that has nothing to do with the video
@@angelicart.6 it kind of relates the the intro of the video. It's relevant to a degree.
@@someblaqguy I meant that the thing that happened after my awakening is irrelevant, not the dream in itself.
That clip from TikTok with the interviewer asking racial preferences was torture, my god the stupidity 😭
What's wrong with a racial preference?
Nothing @@tobiaslawrence8928
Nothing inherently wrong with it, but anytime you explain why you have that preference you will inevitably fall into generalizations and then stumble over yourself trying not to look foolish. It can also come across as fetishizing.
(With the exception of preferring your own race for cultural reasons.)
As a rule of thumb, I think people should keep their racial preferences to themselves. Almost nothing good ever comes from talking about them, especially on TikTok of all places.
@@jonathancangelosi2439yeah it’s a discussion between friends not something to discuss on social media. nobody needs to know that someone isnt attracted to X race. They already know the odds are stacked against them
Repeat your comment in your head about a hundred times. See if you see anything wrong. Then ask yourself, is race still a problem..
As a monogamous lesbian in England I have about given up with todays dating scene.
Unless I'm added to someone's rota of 7 people in a poly jumble sale, nobody wants to know. I'm a romantic person, i love the idea of having somebody to call "my darling", I dont find anything romantic about having to use Google calendar to schedule a date because you're seeing 6 other people that week alone. It's nothing to do with sex, chemistry is very important to me (why has monogamy become seen as "prudish"!?), but I want to cultivate that with one woman only. Ive never fitted into nor understood lesbian culture with all the labels and certainly not modern "queer" culture.
I find most of the women who strongly identify with the modern queer culture aren't even gay half the time, they're just "bi" yet don't want to date women....... And then I feel "not gay enough" around these women who are basically just straight and following a fashion. I actually got told off/extensively lectured for being homophobic once by a friend who fell into this category for making a "non-PC remark" about a lesbian film that was clearly a joke and I've had two long term relationships with women both of whom I lived with for several years so the irony was quite surreal
Damn you're screwed 😢
That's a very sweet notion, and you should treasure it. I genuinely hope you find someone who values your love.
Bisexuality is legitimate, ever consider that maybe they also struggle with romance in general with both sexes, and that either one either shares or brings its own set of problems in the dating game.@@dearservice1998
I don’t think monogamy has become seen as prudish. I think polyamory is entering the public eye and people are freaking out about it. Monogamy is still very much the norm. I've been told too many times; "You're not polyamorous, you just want to cheat," "That's weird, don't you get jealous?" And, today alone, "You lack self respect, contentment, moral integrity and self control," just for being open to polyamorous relationships.
Dating apps have actually destroyed my mental health
Can't have had too much of it to start with then.
@@peterkerj7357 well considering studies done show every participant who used a dating app had a worse self image and overall confidence in themselves than the other, he'd actually be normal lmao 😂
But you let them do that.. why didn’t you ditch dating apps long ago? It’s much better to go out socially and meet women that way
In which way? are you a bloke?
I feel like my trust in people online is completely nonexistent
I've been on reddit a lot recently (chronic illness life ya'll) and what I'm coming away with is that people (men and women) struggling with their singleness/getting into a relationship are also pretty lonely on a social platonic level. I'm recently single, and can see that I get a lot of my self esteem from the love and reliable validation my community gives me And they are why I'm not afraid of being single in the future, or scared to date.
If we taught kids/young adults how to build out a strong, emotionally supportive community and met those social animal needs everyone would be much happier. This is what is sad about men who fall into the red pill. Fixing the dating market alone isn't going to make the most difference in the world, teaching people how to connect on a core, fundamental/vulnerable level will.
You're very correct.
People seem to forget that social media isn't really social at all, and it meets almost none of the needs for human socializing.
The 'communities' that young people build are mostly online now and might validate some niche emotional things, but they're completely useless when you have real problems, like needing a ride home or someone to change a tyre.
It's such a shame to be so disconnected from the actual community around you.
Reddit is full of incels and weirdos 💯
@@axiss5840most of the time the community did the disconnect in the first place.
I’ve been single most of my life and never felt an emotional need for a romantic partner. I’ve been fortunate that in the jobs I’ve had, I’ve always had a couple co-workers or more who I’d feel connected with, so it was like seeing friends 5 days a week. Whenever I’ve gotten lonely while single, it was always due to a lack of interaction with people I cared about, not a lack of a romantic partner. A phone call with a friend or relative would cheer me up again.
That's what happens when you eliminate third places and leisure time
. No single person can fulfill all of our needs, desires, and expectations, and it's unrealistic to expect that from a partner. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, support, and understanding, but they also involve maintaining individual identities, interests, and sources of fulfillment outside of the relationship.
Recognizing and accepting that a partner cannot fulfill every need helps to foster independence, autonomy, and a more balanced approach to relationships. It also encourages communication and collaboration in addressing each other's needs while respecting boundaries and personal space.
Cultivating a fulfilling and supportive network of friends, family, hobbies, and personal interests alongside the relationship can contribute to overall well-being and reduce the pressure on the relationship to fulfill every aspect of one's life.
But you don’t need polyamory for that
@@caterinas6863 they didn't say you did
and there's the issue, there is no fundament to cultivate anything today. everyone is already separated in close-knit bubbles and if you for whatever reason are out you are basically f*cked.
It's like I wrote this. ❤
I preach this to everyone I meet. Pour into yourself, and realise that no other human will complete or fix you. We are all flawed, we all fall short, and we need to develop our relationship with ourselves first before we invite others into our lives.
For me I chose to be celibate (no talking to men romantically, no apps, no dates, no sex, no relationships) and have had the best year of my life. The healing I've been able to experience is immense. I found out so much about myself and now I feel like I have such a beautiful peaceful life that I've worked to cultivate, like my own precious garden that I now want to protect and also to share with others.
I don't feel Lonliness, I'm not sure if that's a trauma thing or an Autism thing for me, but it is truly a gift. I can't possibly be lonely when I'm with myself, there's not a moment that passes where I'm not thankful to be here in the moment.
I wish I could literally give people my perspective so they can feel the joy. It's not easy to get to this place but it is the most worth it thing you'll ever do in your lifetime. You're stuck with yourself, so you gotta get to know and love yourself ❤
@@caterinas6863 lol Monogamy loonies coming out of the woodwork, immediately.
I totally agree with all of your points but would like to tack on another. I believe another issue with modern dating is so many people don’t want to end up In horrible marriages likes their parents. I personally know so many people who refuse to marry,date, or even believe in love because of the examples their parents set.
Yehhh they spend your whole childhood arguing and then they're like "oh no you'll find someone don't worry" like lads
i relate to this, my parents were on a really bad, toxic marriage, thank god they separated for the good, but still, what i saw in my home wasn't anything i would like for myself. On the other hand, i know a lot of couples that had lasted for decades but are still miserable, so i really don't know any single example of marriage/long term relationship that i can look at and say "damn i would love something like that".
yea, middle aged ladies resenting every breath their husbands take, worn out by that constant feeling of life gone to drain, literally telling you how they just "try to live and enjoy their own life for once"... but if you try to do something different then it's basically "I went through all that and why would yr life be any better? you think you're better than us, oh? oh?" I can't
and the men - they were always calling their wives "ball and chain" anyway
my parents bitter divorce only made me more determined to have a healthy thriving marriage myself - 12 years running and we are happier now then we were at the beginning!
I'm relived to see that I'm not the only one having these opinions. My parents have bad mariage, which they won't admit, but it made me terrified of one.
As a gay guy, it is really hard to find someone who is remotely interesting to me. I really don't wanna sound bitter or condescending, but this is also a side effect of using dating apps. The continued lack of success either tanks your self-esteem, like the guy you quoted in the video, or makes you hate everyone. It's also really hard for me to care for a complete stranger through text. I don't think my appearance is an issue, I take good care of myself, I'm educated, I have a career, I have hobbies... yet no one really seems to care about that.
The superficiality of dating apps is a plague that infects the minds of everyone, even if you think you're not susceptible to that. In the gay dating scene, you're encouraged to be promiscuous, which I am not, or just to fit very tightly into a certain desirable box - like gym bro or twink, and that's about all boxes that are considered attractive. As long as you put your (thin) body on display, you are considered desirable. I've reached the point where I've become so repulsed by this blatant advertising of "the goods" that I would immediately swipe left if someone has a shirtless photo on their profile. I feel like if we're willing to stoop so low to the point of posting semi-nudes of ourselves on a public "forum", we've lost the plot. Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to modesty? It just takes the magic out of it. You're supposed to see and explore your partner's body once you've built a level of trust and intimacy, and seeing it without that just feels wrong.
I hear you. Though I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum I also struggle a lot when it comes to finding people I feel excited about. It's a difficult issue, facing that one has a different take on core elements of life than the majority. With women my litmus test is the quick coffee. If someone is willing to meet up for a small chat not long after we matched, it's probably a sign that they, too, hate long dragged out conversations about nothing, and that they actually are interested in me and not just the idea of having one more person to text with. But overtime I did come to the conclusion that people like me (and I think people like you) are just as jaded by the online dating scene, and we won't encounter them there. They exist though! We're out there!
Wow. I was fairly immune to the whole incel culture, but your and another girl's comment in this comment section just completly washed it off of me. Like, the realization that every demography suffers from this twist in dating culture, and therefor it's not a gender issue is really a slap in the face.
As for the the dating apps: When I first saw how people use tinder in public or in groups, it really felt like a public humilation for everyone involved, and I still don't get, exatly why. I also didn't had this feeling with the old school type of dating sites. Altought it's not like I used any of them anyway.
omg PREACH
. I agree with everything you say 100%
Guy becomes trad cath in one year😂.
Im sick of prudish discourse rising , and how smug and enlighten they think they are.
The race with the most attractive people is clearly the 400 meter run
Such a good point about wants vs needs. I was dating someone who fulfilled a lot of my preferences, both personality-wise and physically but who I wasn't emotionally compatible with in the sense that we couldn't have those hard conversations. It didn't end very well, but it made me question a lot of the preferences I had, seeing how they were a lot more irrelevant than I thought. Now I'm much more focused on peoples' values and how they treat others as opposed to just their appearance/charisma/intelligence.
attraction is such a weird thing and you can be really attracted to someone who doesnt fit your preferences and vice versa. Compatibility is very hard to explain
I don't believe a word of that last sentence.
Same but my needs being fulfilled just isn’t exciting.
@@alexterieur8813attraction isn't that hard to explain
Please just don’t settle for a man you aren’t physically attracted to. I just hate how women waste a man’s time by giving the impression she liked him when in reality, she just settled and is now becoming resentful because of it.
I've given up with Apps. The "talking" "pen pale" stages. The unexpected ghosting, disappearing out of the blue. Cancelling dates late min. Thinking things are going good and you log on to a facebook group such as "Are we dating the same guy" and finding out no things are not so good. I had enough of and threw up the white flag!
I think if you can't find someone after a few months on a dating app you should probably get off.
I used dating apps 3 times and Each time I went on a dating app within 2-5 weeks I had a relationship off the app and each one was long term. My most recent experience in 2022 led me to meet my beloved fiance👩🏾❤️👨🏼 💍 who suits me the best and who loves me so much . We became exclusive within 2 weeks of me being on the app.
With dating apps the longer you stay there the less likely you are to meet someone who matches you and people can't let go. They end up getting addicted to the app and stay on there far too long even though they aren't getting results.
I see people literally getting addicted to Hinge and Tinder.
I had years break between each time I went on the apps.
I ve been ghosted by women, and i didnt go to an inteliigence database to check her name 😂. Being ghosted is part of the game, You swallow and go on
Yeh ok but be honest…how many people have you ghosted yourself?
@@HkFinn83 do not play the equalkity game with men. Say "we are not equal" and move on. If they're not happy with their place in the sxual dimorphism they can go date guys. Women should always ghost becuase o f male behavior. Males ghost also because thasts male behavior. lol
I do think the cost of living crisis is a huge cause of this. People have less money for dates or to meet people in the first place, a decade ago you could go out with £30 in your pocket and come home with some change, now it's closer to 70. But wages haven't over doubled in that time, they've gone up 10% or so in that time. This is not even getting to the reduction in 3rd places, as the decline of the high street reduces venues to actually meet people at.
100% it's expensive, want less incels, more couples, better public transport housing would be a good first step
@@joebrookesPatch well increased pay and more support for 3rd places would be first priority for this specific issue. The others are very important as well
@@Alex-cw3rz Up till my mid-twenties I lived in a small town with 2 pubs and sometimes a shop, that was it, I worked online and basically just scraped by, it took selling bootleg sex toys online to actually get out of there, and it's amazing how much you're life changes when you move from somewhere with a population of 1000 to a population of 100000, which is still not huge, but it impacts on your social life is massive, in smaller area's you basically can't have one.
I agree a lot. And as someone who prefers to meet (and date) in real life, the lack of third spaces really does a number on my confidence. It's a delicate balance, meeting someone without knowing anything about them, and respectfully approaching them, making sure I don't do anything that would make them uncomfortable... it's not easy. And nor is going to places alone, a skill I've been practicing for a long time, because I do like the surprising encounters I have when I'm present at a place with my full self and curiosity. There are fewer and fewer places where one can go to simply meet people.
@bachemil7349 Plenty exist, they just involve drinking, I go out alone all the time, and at least once a week I'm cycling about 8 miles to go drink socially and then making sure I'm sober to the point that I can cycle back.
The biggest risk is potholes, second biggest is groups of young men, but I get on ok for the most part.
ruclips.net/video/sSfEvrc34oQ/видео.html
Getting married this year, good riddance to serial dating 🥴im done with yall
Sammeee😂😂😂 I'm so glad my baby saved me from these treacherous streets
Lmaoooo
You’ll be back. Might be in 2,3,5 years but you’ll be back there’s a 50-55% chance of it
Congratulations 🎉
I never really thought about it this way, but you are so right, what we want is not what we need (very often), and also what we see is often not what we want. Dating apps show us a curated and shallow view of a person, it's really hard to be atrracted to them (not just by their looks) if we don't actually get to know them. For example, I've been with my current boyfriend almost 10 years now, and we're doing great and I don't see our relationship ending any time soon (we met through a mutual friend). My bf is a very loving, kind, positive person who makes me laugh a lot. BUT if I saw today just a description of him, without knowing him, if you gave me two or three pictures of him along with a couple of sentences about his hobbies and goals I'm 90% sure that I would not be interested in him, or even attracted to him. So THAT'S the power of actually seeing people irl and having a chance to interact with them, see them talk and move, that's where the "magic" lies.
I agree. Someone can look completely DIABOLICAL on paper (or a screen), but if you actually interact with them in person and get to know them it makes all the difference. Some thing sound or look good or bad in theory but if you actually experience it it may not be what you initially thought
Hold up, can we give Kid a round of applause for the stepped up RUclips set?! 👏🏿👏🏿
Yes it's cozy ! Loving it
had a woman literally just be nice and treat me like a human being. invite me out. instant crush. i knew it was bound to fade but that level of basic humanity being extended from the opposite sex had me feeling something.
I don't mean to be rude, but it doesn't sound like a healthy mindset. Being treated like a human being is the bare minimum, not a reason to want to pursue a relationship with someone. If it's the case that you suffer from poor self-esteem, I'd try to work on those issues before dating anyone.
POV: You don't bother with dating and get into weird new hobbies
I've been seeing someone who delayed telling me they were poly. I don't think they really are, because they'll say things like, "I'll let you know before I go see someone, and therefore it's not cheating." You can cheat in polyarmory though, this just sounds like an avoidance of commitment. They could be poly deep down, but this isn't it.
Edit: I don't think I'm 100% monogamous, and maybe nobody is, but I was kinda hoping that would be the relationship type with this person. I don't really want much from anyone else. I think I'll have to break things off, before I fall any deeper.
Update: We broke up.
🤦Yeah, definitely milking the set up, and not actually maintaining multiple romantic relationships.
I'm glad you seem to be taking first steps prioritizing your wellbeing.
Casually dating people who still want to 'girlfriend/boyfriend/enby experience' are the worst.
@@lulul0l039Why is there a specific "experience" you're offering? That's weird to me just treat people you like well.
Run - they want an open relationship and you obviously don't.
@lulul0l039 yeah it's weird, whenever I say I'm worried about their polyarmory not working out for me they say "I don't even have a dating app on my phone anymore, I'm not seeing anyone else." Like that's not what the problem is, the problem is them telling me repeatedly that they will eventually want to see people in a way that bothers me.
@Wonderwoman79G that's what I'm saying, this doesn't sound like polyarmory to me. They tell me "you'll be upset and feel like you missed out on other people if we're not" but if they're the right person, I wouldn't. I feel like I'm being prepared to always be detached from them.
Holy shit I love your room.
it looks so elegant
fr. kid is already very elegant but the room makes the whole vibe so classy ✨
One thing no one talks about- its far easier to get all of your needs/wants met by a single person the simpler you are as an individual. The more complex you are as a person, the more difficult it will be for any one individual to meet a high level of complex needs and wants.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to expect a single person to fulfill all your wants and needs. I think people focus way too much on romantic relationships and abandon their other relationships. You have a lot of people who are paired with someone but still quite lonely because they lack a community or a life outside of their partner. You need other relationships to flourish in my opinion and I think that’s what people forget
@@Mysteriuminiquitatis1998 100% agree.
Awh when you talked about the kind of person you need, I got emotional😭 I hope we both find what we’re looking for kid
I love your videos and your realistic outlook on things. As a member of the LGBTQ community, it hasn't been difficult to find guys that are interested in me. I usually am the one that is not interested a lot of times. I'm finding a lot of people, not just guys, are looking for someone to entertain them rather than truly get to know them. It's astounding to me how people will say that the fact they like to 'travel' makes them a good mate. When, in fact, that only 'potentially' makes you interesting. That doesn't make you a good mate. Good communication, knowing how to compromise, and understanding that life is not a 24/7 party are very important. As you stated, we are all getting older. I want someone that will continue to love, grow, and accept me as I change. My grandparents told us that a big part of a successful long-term marriage is that you have to keep falling in love with each other. Your mate is going to change, and you will have to learn to love the new them.
I'm so glad I met my boyfriend through mutual interests and not on a dating app. Those are just designed to raise people's egos by getting as many matches as they can and discarding people as if they were items on the grocery store.
Thank you for acknowledging that you’re not ready and should stay off dating apps. I took several years off to heal and yet, I feel like I’m getting brain damage from all the messed up, unhealed people on dating apps.
Yes, with all I've read and the small experience I've had with dating apps, I think I would rather be forever alone then trying them again.
I absolutely think it’s unrealistic to get all of your needs met by 1 person. I don’t think romantic relationships are designed to meet all of our needs. They never have been. Esther Perel has some very good talks about this. We do have needs, but how many of them should we put on our romantic partners especially when we know the statics of long term relationships. (They end rather quickly). It’s very easy to become co-dependent with 1 person attempting to meet all of your needs. Interdependence is easier when you have a support team.
I am not advocate for polyamory as an answer to that. That seems very complicated and you have to really like a lot of people for that to work for you. I do think that most of our needs can be met by friends, community, family and romantic partners. For example-you listed validation as a need. That can easily be met by all of the above in different supportive ways.
I really suggests listening to Esther talks about relationships and needs.
Also if you do find that you need just 1 person to fulfill all of those needs, go for it. It might take a little longer, but do it. But make sure to steer clear of those who have no desire to meet your needs because that’s where you waste your precious time and things can get toxic quickly.
I'm probably one of those rare people that have been very very successful on dating apps. Literally 3 out of 5 of my long term relationships came from there and I met my beloved fiance 👩🏾❤️👨🏼 💍 on a dating app. My sister also met her husband on a dating app and they have been happily married 12 years with 2 kids. I've been doing my best to document my process because online dating is an art and people rarely approach it in the right way.
Any good tips?
The difference on dating apps 8-10 years ago and now is HUGE.
Around 2015-16 was my first experience on them and I had nothing but good experiences. Was in a relationship and didn't touch them for years.. come 2021-22 and the experience was aweful.
In 2019-2020, when I was heavily using dating apps, there were a few weeks when I put "monogamous" into my profile because I was so FED UP with dating 5-6 people at once and knowing that at best, I was going to be one on a roster of many. I wanted to have "the talkt" about what kind of relationship this was going to be as early as possible, to avoid slipping into another situationship. But I had to remove it soon, because guys kept asking me what exactly I meant by that and would sometimes then lecture me about how what I was looking for (a committed monogamous relationship lol) wasn't going to happen this way.
I think if you can't find someone after a few months on a dating app you should probably get off.
I used dating apps 3 times and Each time I went on a dating app within 2-5 weeks I had a relationship off the app and each one was long term. My most recent experience in 2022 led me to meet my beloved fiance👩🏾❤️👨🏼 💍 who suits me the best and who loves me so much . We became exclusive within 2 weeks of me being on the app.
With dating apps the longer you stay there the less likely you are to meet someone who matches you and people can't let go. They end up getting addicted to the app and stay on there far too long even though they aren't getting results.
I had years break between each time I went on the apps.
I met husband on dating app. I put on my profile monogamous, conmitted, long-term relationship.
What I did is that I was ruthless. No matter how much I liked the person, if the questioned or lectured me about me wanting exclusivity and intimacy with one person, then I unmatched and blocked them.
Dating apps are inherently shallow and most people know that, so people usually set up their profile around stereotypes of who they want to attract. So I did judge, and judge harshly.
Memes? Probably not serious. Too many parties? I'm an introvert so it sounds like hell being dragged around, pass. Dishevelled pictures? Not detail-oriented. Shirt off? Probably only looking for sex, pass.
Does that mean I missed out on wonderful people? Absolutely, yes. Memes on their profile could've been someone wanting to showcase their sense of humor looking for a kindred soul (I'm my friend's group memer). Party goer could just mean someone with a wide circle of friends. Dishevelled pictures could mean someone sure of themself and unafraid pf authenticity. Showing their muscles could be someone proud of the physique they've accomplished, as this is very time intensive (and something I admire in my friends).
Did it work though? Yes. I went on eight dates along a single month and one of those was my now husband
But I was beyond picky.
as soon as my friends all turned 18, they immediately all downloaded tinder. as if that was their only option. I know i'll feel that pressure in a few months, especially as a lesbian in a majorly right leaning state in america. i wish there were better, less harmful options. I wish people felt they could still just walk up to others and gauge their romantic interest by talking to them.
go to a lesbian bar
@@billusher2265 as an 18 year old? That’s terrifying. The tinder phase was definitely something that all of my friends went through when we were younger. But no one that I know is still dating anyone they met through online apps. The lasting connections formed through chance encounters and friends of friends in school. Online dating was really valuable for me as a way to learn confidence and grow up a little, but it is not the only answer nor a good one. Connections with others create relationships worth maintaining.
Lesbians have the most dysfunctional relationships.
All lesbians I know or met just date in their friend groups but you might want something else.
The times i've used a dating app i was ghosted by every match i've had and that made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I eventually decided to just try and be content with being single rather than continue to hurt myself trying to form a relationship with someone that wont reciprocate.
The decision to stop trying to find a romantic relationship actually made me a happier person. That's how i know modern dating sucks and just makes people miserable.
Dating apps are so...flavourless to me, both from the pov of not being able to really get the vibe of the person from some pictures and some text, but also there's no like, natural chemistry of the getting to know each other stage. Where's the build up.
mhmm
Staying single isn't so bad. I'm enjoying it. I don't know if this will age well for me, but I'm genuinely happy not settling for a fake poly relationship or a monogamous relationship that I'm not happy with
That dream of yours ... so heartbreakingly beautiful. I've had so many of those moments of grief upon waking. I'm not saying the dream was prophetic but I am saying it is only a matter of time before that dream space is your reality. If you want it to be. ❤
I refuse to use a dating app. The thought of it fills me with terrible anxiety. The thought of actually knowing what number of women actually “like” me could send me crazy.
i'm fairly fit, average attractiveness, and in 3 years on hinge i only got about ~60 likes, roughly 6-7 trannies, the majority of the rest whales, and then a couple of nice ladies that talked alot but never wanted to meet
I had 2,000 likes within 2 days of using a dating app and met my fiance but I still only ended up with one person. You don't need a huge amount of likes you just need to meet that one person you click with. I was only able to meet my fiance by going on the app in the first place. If you don't take the risk you have no chance of ever getting the reward
The part I'd disagree with is the "want" to have a leftist partner that will say things like "black lives matter" that's becoming more and more of a need. I'd say it's BEEN a need 16:18. Your ideologies make up who you are, how empathetic you are, how you see the world.
I agree with you, for a lot of people these are non-negotiable. But for others, not really. I think she meant it more in a sense that if you don't hold 100% the same opinions as the other person, they would cut you off immediately. Like if someone's vegan and you're not and they don't wanna date you. Which is ok if they don't want to, but that is more inconsequential than someone being an open r@cist for example.
Exactly!! I get that some people view those things as just being politics and separate from a person's character but I disagree completely. To not care about these things, human rights and all that, is a reflection of your morals which is incredibly important in a partner. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks fighting loudly for the lives of others is trivial.
As a vegan, I know the majority of people see it as not as serious of a belief as compared to human rights issues, but for many of us it is a profoundly important value which we would hope our partner shares with us. I don't close myself off to dating non-vegans though, especially because most people know far less about animal rights issues as compared to human rights issues. This is a great example of how subjective "wants" versus "needs" are!@@victorshopov4913
I love being poly. I have made so many meaningful friendships with people I have been on dates with from dating apps, and some very inspiring romantic and sexual relationships. Polyamory is actually often about committing to multiple people, and not great for people who are commitment avoidant. Many people confuse it with open relationships. Of course it’s not perfect, and there are many issues that poly people deal with, and I don’t think it’s necessarily better than monogamy. Personally I found the biggest problem was dating single men as a poly person, where the dynamics never fully worked (that section of your video really resonated with me). I recommend listening to the podcast multi-amory or reading the book Polysecure if you’re interested, both resources that also apply to many non-poly people.
Talking to older generations about how dating used to be I truly think things have improved in many ways - cheating used to be absolutely rampant and accepted, and non consensual encounters as well, and gender dynamics were much more oppressive. I have many older female friends who are now single and unwilling to date men from their own generation, and they are envious of some parts of younger people’s dating experiences.
As far as kids etc. Most of my friends just can’t afford it.
Same here, I don’t want to judge the creator too harshly, but as someone who’s been poly for the majority of their adult life, I’ve herd so many versions of this argument like somehow we are wild sex crazed monsters who are destroying humanity and are terrified of intimacy… which as a bi person on the ace spectrum is fricking hilarious.. like I’m sorry if I was afraid of committing I wouldn’t be spending all this time scheduling, and talking to my partners, and partner’s partners to make sure their needs are being met, I wouldn’t spend every Christmas Eve with the cule, I wouldn’t be thinking about my partners all the time. Like being Poly doesn’t automatically make you less committed, and her whole tone the she acknowledges real poly relationships exist whilst dismissing any and all examples of poly relationships she references, and doubling down on calling all instances of non monogamy polyamory… her utter lack of understanding what polyamory is and her clear distain for the community was soy audible it was deafening… it’s exhausting.
@@SirenSarichanpoorly aged white ♀️
@@vklnew9824 oh darling you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, your hand might quit in protest.
@@SirenSarichan let me guess mid 40s but still trying hard to be 25
@@vklnew9824 you are? I’m so sorry to hear that sweetheart, I’m sure you’re beautiful just the way you are xox
The wants thing is spot on. This is why online dating isn’t good. It’s best to get to know someone as a human being first, without auto-deselecting them based on the ideal thing you want. When you know the human being, you may find the requirements you thought you had melt away when you mesh well with someone who fills the more important needs.
people act like monogamy is selfish and that's honestly messed up; like I'm not goin around tellin poly people they're all cheaters who can't commit to 1 person, but I guess it's okay to tell me I'm selfish and have a boring preference just because I don't want to be with multiple people or to share my partner 🤷🏾♀
i kind of feel the same way reading some comments.
I think its fine to desire a single person to be a exclusive team with. Its a bond that simply goes harder on the enmeshment.
No idea if its better or worse than poly setups.
I read a book called "How to not Die Alone" (I know extreme title) written by a dating expert who used to work at Hinge. It honestly really did change my approach to dating. A lot of the time it is the luck of the draw too.
I want to say something, this doesn't have any relation with what you said in the video but I NEED to say out loud. I'm learning English, I wish every English-native speaker talk like you, so precise and eloquent, you articulate every word that it's soo nice to hear you every time This isn't the type of content that I consume but I'm here every video because I enjoy how you presented it🌟
Ugh the poly thing. I want so badly to have a monogamous relationship, but our entire queer community here in KY seems to be nonmonogamous. The reasoning I seem to receive seems to be an extreme response to jealousy and fear of being alone (lining up other people for when someone inevitably bails on the relationship out of...nowhere), rather than a more balanced, secure attachment type.
Wealth is the biggest factor in the lack of relationships. I am 33 and live in Washington DC.
I graduated from college but only make the average salary. All of my roommates who make $200k+ are married.
I also attend a church with a wealthy congregation, a lot of young people are still getting married.
However if you make less than 6 figures most likely you'll be single.
...if you are a man
After dating someone who was unavailable and didn’t message back half of the time, I almost got into poly. It was easier to look for multiple fwbs than to admit to myself that I needed one consistent partner and one deep intimate connection
I'm not exactly sure that you're conflating the two but polyamory isn't "fwb". It's fostering deep intimate connections with multiple people. But in order to do that each person has to have the capacity to give love and every to multiple people.
As a hispanic woman, it’s wild to me that that woman said that hispanic men treat their women the best… with the amount of machismo in Hispanic culture, I can promise that isn’t true with every Hispanic man lol. There’s certain standards of femininity that aren’t imposed in the same way in American culture (in my experience of course, as someone who is half and half).
(Of course there’s wonderful hispanic men, there’s many in my family, but I just wanted to point that out.)
I believe it is easier to fixate on our wants than to truly ask ourselves what we actually need from another person or situation or anything really. If we do actually sit down and do that, we might end up feeling way more lost than before and that's a hard truth to face.
Imo as someone who is polyamorous, it shouldn’t be about fixing what’s missing. For my experience, it’s about not limiting how earnest you can be with life and love. Being close to another person is beautiful and every single person is different. Sure one person may not serve all of your needs but that may be because each relationship has a unique dynamic that needs attention in different places. If the foundation isn’t strong, not doing the work and just adding a whole other human in will only make it worse. People don’t complete me. I complete me. But I learn new parts of myself with each new person and that continues to bond my foundation.❤
Oh damn this is good.
This 100% thank you, if I wanted someone who completed me I’d be single.
It'll come and bite you in the arse. You'll see...sooner or later, any and anything which deviates, crashes.
@@julianezequielpdg7347 you could say that about any relationship… especially monogamous ones (they are hell, especially the hetero kind)
@@SirenSarichan it's just your bias, I've had and continue to have plenty of examples of the contrary to your statement. Don't know where you're from, but I can assure you, regular, normal people, have it figured it out.
@20:35 as a man I have the same experience. 2 weeks ago I was at a dance event. I asked a girl to dance and from the moment I introduced myself we were talking/flirting/dancing/laughing. At one point she danced with somebody else, I left to dance with somebody else as well and to talk to friends and when I looked for her the first thing she said was "Oh there you are, so glad you're back I was looking for you". She even asked for my number. This had never happened before and ofcourse I liked her (she was also very cute). The week after we went out with some friends of her to an event and eventually I asked her out on an actual date but because she's of a different religion she doesn't believe it will work. Tbh really hurt as I really thought she liked me and my mind already started to play fantasy and I saw myself going on dates with her and being together.
Another interesting thing was last year when I went on vacation to latin america. I'm 6"0/ white/ blond hair/ blue eyes. In my home country women (people) couldn't care less but there... I felt seen and noticed. I felt like I finally got some attention and on a somewhat consistent basis. I know it's probably not always for the right reasons but at this point I don't think I even care anymore. I'm already planning my next trip, not only for that (I adore the language and the dancing) but I would be lying if it wasn't a factor and something that honestly is giving me hope that it's not completely over for me.
So yea, thanks for reading!
Good luck!! But as an American woman, I definitely prefer y'all men with blonde hair blue eyes, probably just the latinas are more vocal about it because Americans are told it's racist and we're white supremacists etc.
Well, there's a saying here..."no one becomes a prophet in his own land"... What you're describing happened to me, an Argentine man living in Brazil, the fact that I was Argentine made women so much interested in me (for right and wrong reasons) and my education and manners were something they always pointed out in me, always appreciated. I'm sure you'll be more noticeable there in any place of SA, have way more attention and chances, but be careful, you have to assess the situation, some will just want you for money, or the perceived advantages you may bring to their life. Good luck mate, just be chill, don't try to show off what you have, and be educated, everything will be great 😃👍🏼
For the last 3.5 years I've been watching the state of modern dating through my friends who are going through it at the moment. I always talked about this with my girlfriend and we were both so thankful to have found each other when we did and thankful that we would never have to go through it again. 2 days after her coming out to me and us having to end our relationship I am now panicking thinking that I will never have something like what we had. I'm 25 and extremely disconnected from other people my age, our relationship aged both of us and allowed us to mature and find ourselves, I'm really at a loss for how to navigate this new life.
Kidology posted a video! I love it. Thank you ^^
For purely selfish reasons I am fully on board with polyamory accelerarionism. To my brain, the following desires are all completely unrelated: -sex drive -sexual attraction -romantic attraction -platonic connection -desire to settle down and start a family.
I don’t see how dating would offer any value to my life as opposed to just having a few roommates. Hence I would love for polyamory to stir the pot and create new norms and conventions such that it would appeal to me.
I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t have multiple partners to satisfy some combination of each of the desires mentioned above
This is exactly how I feel. We can somehow accept having different friends for different reasons and purposes but when it comes to dating and relationships we are supposed to believe that one person could and should fulfill all our desires when by and large a lot of monogamous relationships fail. They fail and we rather push the few success stories as the norm when they are the outliers.
Only thing I strongly disagree with is that men are more likely to settle. I repeatedly see women with men who don’t meet their needs. Women are bending over backwards to work traditional jobs, be homemakers, and carry most of the emotional weight of the relationship. The issue is that women’s place in society has changed so that we can take on more traditional jobs, but men have not really changed to pick up the slack when it comes to domestic and emotional labor. The structure of our society is designed to persuade women to settle for financial stability so that we will be their homemakers and produce their offspring. Economically, things have changed, but socially, they haven’t really. We are still persuaded that being single and childless is the worst fate, while bachelorhood is not nearly as looked down upon. Psychologists and sociologists have concluded that single hetero women are much happier than coupled women and single men, because men are not generally raised to be good partners. If they don’t convince us of the lie that we need men to be happy, then we will stop creating heirs and producing more workers for the capitalist hellscape we live in. Capitalism, misogyny, and white supremacy are so intertwined, particularly in the United States. I truly believe that as women continue to stop settling, whether through greater financial stability or a change in mindset, and hopefully gain more reproductive rights, or claw back the ones we lost, that this system will start to collapse, and rich white men will die off without leaving family behind. I hope to see this day but probably won’t.
You know you're reading the uneducated ramblings of a white woman when she , lmao, lumps capitalism, misogyny and white supremacy???
You know India, middle East and china has had lot more stringent patriarchy than the white west.
Of course you don't.
Also, I'm brown indian, before you call me a cis white male.
"Emotional weight" what even is that? Men are not allowed to be needy it's unattractive to women. This is the sad reality.
Holy sh*t who hurt you? That’s the most tragic thing I’ve ever seen somebody write
What utter garbage. Blaming others through appeals to society and racial/class projections, while not taking personal responsibility, is a recipe for failure. If you think all those 'evils' run your life you are seriously disempowering yourself. A strong independent women ignores societal dictates and creates her own sphere through self improvement.
"capitalist hellscape", you live in the most prosperous times in history
You know that in a dream all characters are actually us, the dreamer? So, you're a very beautiful woman who wait to you to see her as your constant partner. Well, a pretty accurate dream. But I doubt you'll find her outside you.
Weirdly enough, I feel that you betrayed her by going immediately on a dating app - and this imaginary betrayal makes me somehow angry and dissapointed, haha! By the way, you know you're beautiful, do you?
Lmao, NOPE.
Your description of what a good relationship is to you is so refreshing, enlightened and authentic. I pray we all find something like that in our lives ❤
I don't mean to be cruel, but do you think the loneliness you feel might be leading to an exaggerated view of the state of modern dating? I've never been a fan of taking dating profiles and 'social experiment' videos (which almost exclusively feature young attractive women speaking about their sexual preferences) as proof off of which to make broader claims about 'the state of modern dating'. Dating apps are a certain avenue for certain types of people. If you dislike dating apps, it's likely that the person you want to fall in love with isn't even going to be on them. It's just another element to the dating market, but the conventional in-person means of finding love are no less valid than they always were.
Yes but unfortunately in the past when you could pursue women usually they weren’t already sleeping around. Now with the ease of access sexually for women you might be pursuing her for dating and longterm purposes but often she’s already sleeping with someone else and you are competing with that guy.
@@jofieji5312 A lot of women are not on those sites. Casual sex is less popular with women, despite them having more options.
@@leehalloway8787 I get you but a lot of times it’s not just casual sex. It’s them sleeping with guys that they would like to be longterm with but the man isn’t quite as keen on her but is willing to get his rocks off. In fact women and girls don’t understand that they give up a ton of leverage by sleeping with a man before being married or longterm committed. It can often work out fine depending on the man but the balls pretty much in his court.
@@jofieji5312 Oh, that happens to everyone these days. I have mostly dated women who had similar sexual values but I did get played by one woman that was rebounding.
I think people just need to find someone that shares their values. Many people begin with the intent to be in situationships or FWB. I wish them the best, but it isn't for me.
@@jofieji5312 usually when they’re sleeping with someone else, that person is their boyfriend. In which case you never had a chance anyway.
If you’re not into casual sex, then it’s unlikely that the person you want to spend your life with is going to be in to that, so why would a woman having casual sex be an issue, since it’s probably not the woman you want to be with anyway.
Also, I’m not saying you are one, but it does give incel vibes when you describe women having sex before marriage/long-term status as “giving up leverage”. Almost everyone engages in sex simply as a form of intimacy and enjoyment, not as a power bargaining tool.
Your content never disappoints, very interesting
I need more videos like this, where its just, pure emotion and ideas from the moment.
This spoke to me more than anything a video has for years
Based on this video and the last one, I think you're getting the world you see through the internet and dating apps confused with the real world. It's hard to remember it these days, but it's not the real world, it already takes a specific type of person to go on the internet or tinder. You mentioned you live in a house in the outskirts of a small town... Might be a good idea to channel your energy into going out into the world, because the type of people you're looking for do exist and there's A LOT of them. It'll take some time to shake off the frustration you feel from being online, but it'll make you feel better.
The last videos are presented as social commentary, but we can really feel your sadness and frustration. Not sure if making videos is a good outlet for that, but it's up to you to decide what's good for you. I just hope you get better
it sounds like you're suggesting that our needs can somehow be apolitical? i don't need my partner to say BLM, but their political views (even if they claim to be apolitical) say a lot about their values, e.g empathy, compassion, solidarity, affection. I certainly don't need a partner who avoids political discussion out of privilege and apathy. Imagine you are facing an injustice and start feeling anger and your partner starts talking about "both sides", moderation and "no agendas" 😅
Spot on as always. I’m left feeling I have a lot to think about.
Thank you for bringing up the poly thing 😭 I am non-binary and bisexual and so much of the dating choices for me are poly relationships. And usually it's people trying to date who already have a primary, established relationship.. Like no, I don't want to be second to a main relationship. And as much as poly people will say that's not how it works.... I've seen how it usually plays out. And usually it ends with jealously and neglecting the relationship.
I get what you’re saying, I too am Bi and an NB, though… I’m also poly, I think where I have found my strides was when I discovered for myself labelling my partners partners as primary or secondary or tertiary just made everyone unhappy, most of all me, and that at least in my case looking for a primary wasn’t much better than looking for a monogamous partner, every relationship is different, every person in the polycule will have different needs, when I stopped looking every relationship in the sense of primary secondary and tertiary I got allot happier, I’ve been with one of my partner’s for over 15 years now, five years ago they met the most amazing women, and in 2023 I had the privilege of helping make her wedding dress for their wedding, I love my partner they are wonderful, but neither I nor any of their other partners were interested in marriage or children, but being able to help organise and be involved with theirs was one of the most magical experiences of my life.
I love my partners wife, as I love all my partners and their partners, and their partners partners, and said partners cats (there are allot of cats 😂) they are family to me.
Because one of the biggest things that makes me happy is seeing the people I love happy, compersion can be a hell of a drug.
But if dating poly people only leaves you with heart ache then maybe it’s not for you, and that’s ok! There are plenty of monogamous people not interested in poly, and I’m sure the person you mesh with the best is out there… just maybe not on a dating app those things sound terrible.
really great video. we definitely need to start more of a societal discourse around wants vs needs. I could never get on board with dating apps because I think it's strange to try and relegate a person to a character count within an app and be presented a curated version of themselves as if you're flipping through a pamphlet. The few times I tried making accounts I always stumbled, because I knew I couldn't really get myself across like that
Funny that this video got recommended to me now as I had just done the same thing of redownloading tinder and then deleting it again after less than a day.
I think your thoughts on the mindset of men and how they are often perceived was very insightful and empathetic, thank you for that.
I really appreciate your will for making that video not only for my side or the audience as a whole but also I think that it's helping you to phrase your mind and feelings, to put it out and analyze it, which is somewhat as therapy (and something ppl should usually do), and maybe that's part of the reason to do it as well. However, I hope it is helping you, even though you do it by yourself and don't have direct respond from a closer person who you can interact with, but in the end you have comment section. It might not be the best but it is another, different way for Xp. I'm trying not to write too much but it always happen and still I'm compressing my thoughts but I really want to share stuff back! I just want to say that I perfectly understand you and not only your words are giving info. but you being honest gives a lot more!
Now, bc I'm aware of - random girl in the comments, who want's to eventually speak more (just bc I feel it) isn't good look (at least in my eyes /depends on ppl of course/) to immediately search to write you in private, after the second time I write since the prev. video you did on similar topic. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, I am honest person who loves to speak (obviously write as well and I'm sorry) and just wanted to help you back with whatever I can since you're sharing things I can rely to. Excuse my English, I hope I was clear enough, I hope you'll see this and if my guts are speaking truth again (usually yes) - you can like the comment if you don't find me for a weirdo at this point :D I hope you don't, I'm trying to be honest and not embarrass myself. Успех!
Love the video! As usual!
What books are you reading? Love the colour of your room and those neat piles of reading materials!
Thanks for the video ❤
That was the longest ad ever .. i didn’t get youtube premium to suffer more with ads omg
one of the most important thing that is lost because "modern dating" is literally being in company of other people... I had relationships before apps existed and basic way of falling in love was an evolution of friendship. Right now, nothing is left from that, you see a pic, set up a date and suppose to act like lovers... WTF I don't even know you, I can't do it like that...
Avoid dating apps at all cost !! It's the ""easy way"" and the most shittest , go talk and meet people in real life ! Of course, you will get rejected and It can be hard but most of the time, you will have a direct answer, no ghosting and no waste of time. Good luck to all of you for your dating life.
I met the love of my life on one and so did my sister. They are not all terrible.
Love your videos! They are always worth the wait.
A very powerful video. You are very correct. As someone who is polygamous, the polygamous trend is quite hurtful for actual polygamous people like me or even monogamous people (i saw some idiots use it as an excuse to cheat). I also wish the world is good enough for everyone, but it sadly is not. I also wished people accept each another, despite having not 100% the same opinions with one another. It's fine to have different opinions; it's okay to differ.
I’ve been watching you for a while, and I’ve come a lot of the times to find myself feeling very validated, because it’s like talking with my bff, just spitting facts, but also being a sweetheart. ever since you stopped the treatment I feel like I relate even more to you, because I really do associate my standpoints with yours and ever since you came out you made my heart grow, as everything feels even more personal, it’s a wonderful feeling seeing you analyze everything so critically and to be honest without wanting to sound lame at all you give strength to other people by simply being you! please don’t stop your work! (but at the same time have as many breaks as necessary)
I love your set up, very cosy. I could listen to you all day, Kid 😊
Thanks for another great video
I like the room setup. It looks very homey. (:
The wants vs. needs realization for me happened throughout the course of a few therapy sessions. One thing that I've struggled a lot with is some trust issues which has presented barriers to getting close with someone without a huge buy-in on their part first. This is especially the case in romantic relationships and even more the case with sexual intimacy. All this in spite of the fact that I'm still a guy with a very active sex drive. I still have to feel secure with someone first before I can engage with them in that way.
One relationship I've had was with a girl who I was friends with prior. We dated for about a year until changes in our life-arcs happened such that we came to an impasse where we agreed to just be friends from there on out. Sometimes, I wonder if that was a mistake because it was a very fulfilling one for me. A part that sticks out to me the most was at some point, she wanted to get intimate with me but those barriers were stopping me from moving forward. That is, until she had a series of convos with me where she assured me she wouldn't judge me if I let her take the lead. That assurance and making good on it in of itself broke those barriers and I had some of the best times of my life.
There's a pile of needs in there that I'm now able to extrapolate out and articulate thanks to those therapy sessions. Ironically, knowing explicitly what the needs are has softened my trust issues quite a bit and has bolstered my confidence in interactions with novel people.
If I listened to these troglodytic red-pill grifters, there's no way I'd make the progress I have.
At least your dating apps are not full of "str8" dl men looking to play with your feelings, use you and cheat on their wife/gf
Honestly it's crazy how many married people are on the dating app.
@@tessy28 it's disgusting
As always, your videos are great.
Keep at it with Portuguese. É dificil pra caramba, mas a vida não é fácil ^^
This video conveys a lot of what I have been thinking about for a while. You're a really underrated creator btw.
i've yet to see a polyamorous relationship that isn't a living with your f*ck buddy situation
Or an "I want to leave my relationship, but am too afraid/broke to do it without a new option lined up" situation.
I'm a poly-oriented person - it's just how I am, and have been since my earliest romantic interests. I can say with full confidence that being poly is a fucking disaster that doesn't lead to healthy mature commitments and is catastrophic when it comes to raising children. I am so worried about the generation younger than mine which is beginning to treat this as normal, and will waste the best years of their lives on something that likely has no long-term potential. Due to the limited dating pool, I feel like lgt people are absolutely forced into being poly unless they want to be alone, and it's just so sad.
It's not catastrophic if you don't let it be that way. People have be been raised by villages since we were in small nomadic tribes. Honestly, I think women have the power to make it work but they choose not to. Men are very malleable so long as the women treat them well.
I’m sorry your poly experiences have been like that, in my own experience I have seen a number of successful polycules that have grown over time, polycules that also contained couples with kids, but the reason they remained healthy was the needs of the children always came first, they were never lied to, we listened and made changes if anything even mildly upset them or made them uncomfortable we made changes, if the kids ever raised objections/or felt uncomfortable around someone a person was dating, well they would never be invited to family events again… and typically those relationships would end… because if the kids don’t like them, well that’s a pretty big red flag.
Now most of those kids are adults now, and although none of them are related to me by genetics, I love them like do my nieces,nephews, cousins , they are amazing humans who I love like family, and I am incredibly proud of them, and I will continue to do everything in my power to see them happy,
I’m not saying it will always work out, if you don’t put the needs, priorities, and health of the kids first then it’s bound to end poorly, and yeah some people, and yeah polyamory is not for everyone, but I’m pretty sure most poly people would agree with that.
Also side bar as someone who is child free my mum gleefully jumped into the bonus grandparent role, which was awesome, she got to spoil the kids rotten and I never got asked about having kids again 😂
Yeah it feels suffocating being a queer monogamous person, I want a family one day and I want a 1 on 1 bond. But everyone my age wants to hook up, have low committment relationships, and not invest in the future
I'm trans, and I defo feel forced into it. Hell, my last serious gf literally had an ongoing scheme to manipulate one of my friends into joining our relationship on a permanent basis. Even though she'd never met him. And he lived in a different time zone. And is 100% not polyamorous. I tried telling her multiple times that this was not cool, not realistic, and pretty disrespectful of my friend's autonomy/lifestyle/plans. But she just had this ongoing, fervent belief that we would somehow convince him to live with us and marry us. It was very weird.
I've been single for like a year now, and about 95% of people who are even remotely open to going on a date with me are poly, already have a primary, and just want someone to fuck on the side. Like you, I think polyamory sounds really great in theory. But I don't think it would ever work for me (or the vast majority of people) in practice. I'd either have to settle for the terrible communication, low commitment and no respect, or shack up with people who are VERY alternative and radical. Which, like, is fine for other people who are alternative, but that's not me.
I do want to live a life that is fairly mainstream, and I don't want to constantly have to justify or overexplain my romantic situation. But it feels like I literally have no other option. I can either join someone else's super freaky polycule full of Wiccan fanfic writers, or be single until I pass away of old age.
Thank you, Kidology. 22:18 This point was eye-opening for me. I've never stopped to think about what my emotional needs ACTUALLY are. Sure, I've thought about how ideally I'd find someone who shares a similar lifestyle and values, but what do I actually need from them as a partner? While I don't think it's society's fault, but the individual's, I am sure many other men have not thought about their needs.
Your video brought me so much clarity 😭 every single thing you said, from the loneliness you feel when you wake up to all the thoughts about dating, I'm going through the exact same questions lately and it felt so good to hear a synthetized version of my thoughts in the mouth of someone else. Thank you for your channel, it's always such a pleasure to watch your videos
this video was so good
oh girl, if you want a relationship you have a chance but if you NEED one youre a red flag...
i relate a lot to this video but i initially thought to comment to say how much i love the colours and mood set by the background and her clothing
Very well put. Your room looks great btw.
You hit the nail on the head, that's what you need in a relationship. I am lucky that I found that person when I was 20. But all of that is so important in our relationship. She's my soul mate and we just fit well because we care about each other completely. Third spaces should be utilised more than dating apps, but that's so much easier to say than to change the wave of society.
Also I think we need to learn how to make friends, be vulnerable with people, grow as a person to create more chances for romance to bloom. As corny and privileged as it sounds, I think taking a class in something you're passionate or interested in can give you the space to have fun with people and let your personality out. As long as there is classes and it's affordable of course. Finding community is the main thing I think
So true that men settle more. It’s sad and I wish it weren’t true. It’s sad how many men lack intimacy in their lives or misconstrue porn as intimacy
True
“Increasingly, we are more inclined to view our preferences as needs.” This quote is so important!
I find dating incredibly complicated and intimidating, and every now and then I'll try a dating app only to have 3-word conversations with five people for a week and then deactivate it. I find it so hard to navigate, and you bring up some brilliant points as to why that is. Appreciate your content as always! You're amazing ☺️
A NEW KIDOLOGY VIDEO ABOUT DATING YESSSSS
Your monologue about what your needs are is brilliant and dare I say beautiful. It also sadly illustrates the problem with edating. We cannot find our needs on an app, only wants. Edating is used to replace dating when at best it can only facilitate a meetup. Humans just need to get lucky in finding someone they have chemistry with, and try to make it work. That is it.
I'm married (together for approaching 11 yrs) so no longer in the dating scene, but maybe I can offer some thoughts on having your needs met by your significant other. I agree with Zee that the person you are meant to be with will be able to meet all of your needs. But I also think that it is important to maintain some platonic relationships so that you have a network of support. I look at my parents who have been happily married for over 40 years, they are each other's life and I am so grateful to have that model to refer to of what a relationship can be. But I also worry so much about what would happen when one of them inevitably passes away or falls sick; they have no friendships outside of their marriage. And not just from this rather cynical concern - also just for the sake of the joy of friendships in and of themselves, and having input from a variety of perspectives. So while we CAN have all our needs met by one person, and in many ways should strive for this in finding the right person, it is also important to cultivate strong friendships and have some needs met elsewhere. I guess I am just saying that I can see the potential draw of polyamory in this respect, but it doesn't necessarily have to involve a romantic element - you can be monogamous and still cultivate a community of support.
Do you think love is worth it? After decades of being alone I'm happy most of the time and have more friends now then I have ever had in my life. With dating being such a mess, I don't know if it's worth it. Love is something I've never really experienced.
@@Islander185 I guess it depends. If you feel genuinely content with your life as it is now, maybe there's no need for anything to change. Everyone's needs are different, I think you just need to listen to your own heart.
Thank you
Brilliant, as usual
You and your background are stunning ✨