I think once we heal, the idea of reaching out to a betrayer is stomach-churning. Anyone who's stuck waiting for a DA to realize their worth doesn't actually realize it themselves. Once they do and live from this knowing, they won't need someone whose tendencies are to dismiss and avoid them to do anything for them. No contact isn't designed to get the other person to do anything. It's for you to recognize and live from your worth so you no longer feel you're on the hook for anything from a dismissive avoidant individual. Become their opposite to yourself - accepting and loving. Your life will feel so much better, you won't want to risk it for someone who refuses to self-reflect or acknowledge truth and reality.
No contact is a very painful method for total break up. If you stay in contact you see all the flaws of your ex and realize how bad they are. During NC you start romantize her/his.
Best advice ever. Been NC for a month with avoidant ex. A month ago he just left a message to end a relationship because je wanted to focus on his kids. That's it. Then message him back and never reply. Still healing 😢 but i won't take him back. I don't want him in my life because his reason for breaking up with me doesn't make any sense we've been together for almost 7 years an out of nowhere sending me a message that he wanted to focus on his kids.
Everything you have said in this video is dead on! The abusive behavior is just disgusting and SICK! I’m done being emotionally, mentally, psychologically, financially and physically abused! I USED TO BE SECURE NOW A SHATTERED MESS
He’s messaged me 3 times in the month of no contact. “Are you dead” a picture of the sunset and then “I guess you’re not gonna talk to me”….. they literally do not apologize or think they’ve done anything wrong…. Right before I stopped talking he said I had an attitude (I’ve explained how I felt a billion times and what I needed, he didn’t listen ) he said “I hurt you how can I make it right”…. He’s done more than hurt me,… cheating, was in a relationship with someone else keeping me on the back burner, using me, no dates, labels, affection, no quality time, got other girl pregnant…..I cannot ever give him another chance, I need to protect myself from him. He’s a coworker, pouts when I’m around now, sucks to see him….. But damn I’d like to believe they know how f*cked up they are. I can’t even date anymore. I feel nothing. Apathy toward men in general now, zero self esteem, lots of anger, especially at myself. These people are terrible 💔
I'm so sorry😢 I feel you! This type of person should never exist or be able to date or have any type of relationship. She did the same to me and I'm hurting so much. It has been 2 weeks and she is doing exactly what all these videos talk about. Posting, distractions, etc. Acting like they don't know you. I un-installed every social app and I hope that helps. Some days are better than others but I promise you and me that it will only get better and everything will be alright and even better than it was before.
Don’t let one idiot make you not trust again! You are completely normal and you did nothing wrong! They are always getting the stupid ones pregnant because these stupid women don’t even ask a man to have his child they are just irresponsible and stupid! Happed to me at least 5 times! You will find a great man who loves you, so please don’t give up!
@@jsbp8545They are so manipulative and can also be narcissistic and some 💯 percent know what they are doing to normal loving people! They see how others give affection by the time they are grown and know affection is necessary but withhold it for control because they are insecure in every aspect of their lives!
It feels nice to imagine them all forced to deal with each other and slowly realizing they can't get anywhere with someone who acts just like them. Lol
This is very true. I told my ex that it doesnt matter how many men she meets on bumble, tinder or hinge, that all these men have childhood trauma that will eventually be seen by them. Shes just running from her own emotions at this point. This is why I refuse to even go on apps anymore. It's all a bunch of bullshit on there.
Thanks Ryan. God bless you. I listen to this clip everytime that i want to contact him. Thanks for reminding me to see my self worth and that i do deserve better.
It's so important to cultivate self love ❤️ To start, sometimes, you have to "fake it until you make it" When someone is making you feel insecure/confused/sad with mixed signals, ask yourself:"What would you tell your best friend to do?" Then have the courage to do what needs to be done. You'll get stronger AND free yourself up for the right type of love in your life. You're beautiful ❤❤❤ and so worthy
Very painful to listen to you speaking about this intense emotion… thank you for your advice., definitely needed to know how to use coping strategies. Definitely helps 👍🏼
I wish I knew all this stuff 3 months and a half ago...I was dating a guy that ended up being FA like me, 4 months together, strong feelings from both, his fears started to come up more and more and then he pulled away (he was also starting to tell me I miss you before leaving my place). I went more in the anxious side and tried to fix things, he showed up driving a few times where and when he knows he can find for sure, to say hi (in the first month he stopped also twice and was emotional, then it was too much & showed up again only to say hi with his hand). In real NC now for 5 weeks. Now I know things, I know how we both function, how to regulate better and so on, and really wish he comes back from deactivation soon
@@Shestylez1988 It gets easier every day if you remember there is no time frame to healing Fill your days, better yourself and realize you will get stronger
I just want to say please stay strong! Stay the course of no contact! It hurts terribly as time passes. It was a sudden blow when my ex dumped me 5 months ago in January. I reached out to her several times before I found out how bad it is for both people involved. I hope that I can encourage you to not fall into the pit!
@vanessaG275 I tried to. I'm still trying, but it seems the more I try the more I love him. I'm so confused. I'm trying to focus on myself but it's hard
😮💨…Thanks Coach!! Just as you know my avoidant blind sided me, as such I’ve blocked him so he can’t get in touch with me. I’m in the process of healing.💔😢
No contact is hard because I live in a very small town and he comes into my work and chases me hard. I have gone no contact and told him stay out of my work! It is so hard and still breaking my heart! So hard to do no contact in a small town
I'm almost 3 months in No Contact after being blindsided and discarded and ghosted by my avoidant ex gf. Today I heard she is hosting a 'goodbye' dinner for friends. So I think she is moving countries or going to study abroad. Anyone ever experience this? They are actually making the distance even bigger
I’m going through a similar thing right now. My recent breakup that brought me to this video is with an avoidant whom dropped the bomb on me last Tuesday (7/9) that she “wasn’t ready to belong to anyone” after I took her out on 7/5 for what she said was the “greatest night of her life.” She’s from my home town in the Chicago suburbs, but has actually lived on the west coast for the last 12 years and moved back her in March after a breakup of a 3 year relationship. I’m not mad at her at all. She explained to me even on the first date that she wasn’t looking for anything serious. I played it cool and was just my true genuine self around her because I felt I had nothing to lose and things got SUPER serious really quickly to where she was spending the night regularly and we were even planning trips together and moving in this winter. The part where my story connects to yours is that I know in my heart that she’s going to eventually move back to the west coast. She’s not made for the Midwest. She’s so bright and intelligent and beautiful and successful and she only came back her temporarily to help care for an ill family member, so the whole thing was probably destined to fail anyway, but I still have this really really small glimmer of hope. She even gave me a timeline that she’s not allowing herself to date, “talk to,” enter a relationship, have sex, or even drink alcohol until December. She’s currently in therapy to actually ditch her avoidant attachment style and develop into a secure attachment style (what she told me anyway). She’s been so transparent this whole process that I do genuinely believe that she’s trying to change herself because she told me that her avoidant/anxiety/insecurities have lead to the downfall of essentially every relationship she’s been in and she’s tired of it. The anxieties/insecurities are even the catalyst she said sparked her to leave me. She’s such an amazing, sweet, caring woman and she’s checked in on me a few times since last Tuesday, however watching these videos has made me question if those intentions are pure or if she’s just pulling the typical avoidant strategy of “keeping me around?” I guess I really just have to buckle down and stick with this no contact thing. It’s about to be one of the hardest choices of my life, but if it’ll make me stop feeling the emptiness I feel currently, it’ll be completely worth it
@@ShopgirlNY182 I can only talk for myself it just seems like I had low expectations toward friends and only had good experiences with friendship I am still friends with the same friend than I had when I was 6 yo…. Friendship always felt secure for me and I was quite popular at school, but when it come to relationships 😵💫😵💫😵💫
@@ShopgirlNY182 no you want it Will really depend of people life experience I always had longtime friends never was able to burn bridges and my communication with them is amazing ! But when it come to relationships disaster!!
Going through a DA friendship breakup right now and it's similar to or even worse than a relationship break up. Same slow fade, gaslighting when I confronted about the lack of communication then discard when I vented about not getting reciprocity in the friendship. I admit that I got clingy in the last couple months but I didn't know about attachment theory then and thought the more I chased the more they would see I was committed to making the friendship work.
she ignored me for a week with no good bye or nothing so i went to her friend and asked if the relationship is over or not ....after she said no and yes and no ....got text from her friend that she is ready to talk on why ....and i replied i moved on i dont need on why or a reason to continue or stop the relationship......i said am out ... she said your fake smiling stop it ...and said stop worrying about me i can handle my self .......healing better nowand feeling better
As an FA myself, my anxious part activates when someone no contacts me. Others can be very dismissive as you said, but it depends on how it ended and how they think you treated them. If the FA thinks you’re at fault, then you will indeed not hear from them anymore. Otherwise, the FA will almost always come back.
@@marguskiis7711 i also loved her very much. I know it is very painfull but sometimes you have to let go person freely just for your own sanity and mental health. Your life is most important espacially that at the end of the day this person was very selfish and only looking about themselves and their needs. They didn't care how it impacts you and how do you feel. Extremely egoistic behavior.
I messed up because she sent me a letter, saying it's the last one. Said so many kind things but said we may only meet later in life. I am going back to NC. But, the emotional trigger made me call. I hate that I did it but, its ok. We live and learn.
Yes be kind. I broke no- contact with an email, but basically left it open ended for him to make it right so if he chooses. It's a process. I said I had to keep moving on with or without you...self preservation. As Coach Ryan said in previous podcasts your lack of closure is your closure. Sending something with no expectation in return can be powerful too. Now I'm definitely in no contact. No response like I expected! Thank you Coach Ryan! You are a blessing ❤
@@hilaryfalkenberg9348I broke NC today because his country had bad breaking news and I asked if he’s ok. Showed care and that’s all I didn’t ask him to come back but I guess he will reply or ignore one of those. Either way I can’t be together he’s very far + insecure
Last time we split he broke contact by sending a text that he was going to say hi to me but saw I was having quite a chat with another man. A convo ensued which led to a get back together. However, he still contacts his ex GF and here we are again.
I broke no contact giving him a deadline, contacting me within a few days, that is all, I said I would leave his country and doors will be shut then. I owed it to myself to give him this final chance., that is all, you need closure after all.
I’m leaning AP and just broke up with my partner who I feel is an DA after feeling her pull away after moving away and not seeing her for 6 weeks with excuses piling up I had to end it with no contact with ended on amicable terms and I feel like there is still strong emotions there from her however her ability to lean into vulnerability with me was not enough. I’m really struggling and want her to heal but I feel like after two month of no contact would it be better for me to check in on her she said I could message her in regards to an important date in my life (loss of my mum) but I didn’t want to burden her with this. I’m one month into no contact and was wondering if there would ever be a good time to try reconnect i just wanted to show her unconditional love but I feel like I’ve broke that by stepping away from her from the pain I was feeling and now I’m wondering was it my inability to regulate and soothe my anxiety that was the main catalyst for this.
It's not unconditional love if it is conditional to her receiving your messages, don't you think? What APs don't realise is that they need time and space after a breakup, too. I promise you that if you maintain discipline you will come to realise so many things about yourself, and you will heal, and become stronger, and more independent as a result. Never initiate contact. There will be pain, because your chasing someone is essentially an avoidance strategy for the fact that you were rejected, and the rejection triggered your core wound. Without avoidance you will have only yourself, but that's the most precious person you possess -- your self. Don't avoid, embrace the pain, feel it out, cry it out. Move on, grow, and you will attract her, and others. The boy who was wounded lives inside you, but he is not you anymore. Love that boy like he were your son. You are a man now.
does sending the hand wave emoji when you see them in a mutual friends' twitch chat count as reaching out? i felt like ignoring her would make me look petty. besides 2-3 years had passed since we fell out. also, I suspect she intentionally dropped into chat when I was there. because I feel like if she really hated me that much, she would've just not came into the chat until I left.
@@palmiccz she also INSTANTLY clicked on & accepted my invite to my discord when I sent it. she came into my discord & we never spoke to each other again after that day... weird. i had like 150 other women in my discord, so i didn't want to put any focus on her & scare her off, so i never reached out again. i feel like i did enough. i said hi in chat with the emoji & sent her an invite. we had a very brief but friendly exchange in the discord DM (the falling out was never discussed) & thats it. i never spoke to her again. the way she discarded me was worse than you can ever imagine. so i feel like reaching out any more than what i did would be compromising my self-respect. i already did too much imo.
@@palmiccz i see... you're probably right. she'll be alone forever. she was very good looking & after we fell out, she got a bad plastic surgery/rhinoplasty & ruined her face. some years have passed & she is now age 30. she destroyed her only value. i'll be kind & cordial to her, because thats my personality, but i'm definitely not going out of my way to talk to her now after the plastic surgery. she doesn't look good enough to pursue anymore. her dismissive avoidant personality will get a rude awakening. she's used to people chasing her, but now that she looks different, she's gonna get a lot less men pursuing her.
Don't you think you are more than how somebody views you and that you are here to experience life? You deserve somebody who doesn't put you in confusion.
She's ignoring and stonewalling me. She's FA. Do I delete her number so she sees that she finally lost me when she sees my profile picture disappeared from whatsapp? do I just delete the conversation so my profile picture still remains there so I don't trigger her fear of abandonment even further, in case she wanna reach back? I don't know what signal to send, that I'm over her or just deleting the conversation.
Not contacting her would be enough. After time she will feel loss (if she has real feelings for you). If she sees no profile picture this would not be inviting and she wont reach out.
If you start playing those games, she’ll see right through it. Just do no contact and focus on yourself and not attaching her return on doing no contact.
Wish I'm there, but I have no hard feelings in spite of what he did and how badly he treated me during the end of the relationship. I just want it to be a year.
It’s hard the no contact when you work together, it’s been 3 weeks of heartbreak. I’m not reaching out but i’m beat up to pieces. Any advice on that. Update: been feeling better, focused on myself reading books about self improvement and leadership. That is definitely helping me, moving on for certain, now if she reaches out to me at all some day. I won’t let her back into my life. Sorry but no sorry. Moving forward to become a better and stronger mind. Good luck fellas If I can do it then you can too.
It's been 5 weeks since my ex for 11 years ghosted me via text. Don't break no contact. Trust me. She told me meanest words when i did before. Just take care of your heart as if it's your crying child and you are the parent. Just let your ex go. Don't look at the pics, social media and other stuff that will make you remember your ex. Find something worthwhile to do that will make your mind busy on other things instead of thinking about your ex. It's ok to grieve. Learn through the pain. It will be less and less painful as you go. Love yourself more and more.
@ Thanks, I’ve been sticking to my goals and rules. Also started going to the gym and moving on with my life. It’s been rough, but getting better day by day I’m sure eventually I’ll meet the right person.
@@carlosW401 You will meet the right person, absolutely but give it time. It took me many months but watching videos also helped me and just chatting to others encouraged me. My pain still lingers but I am much stronger and going back will delay the inevitable and then I am back to square one. Fight that pain.
What about when they contact you and they ignore your reply. I made the mistake to reply just said I was ok, no more and he didn't reply at all. Don't want to talk to him again but curious of why?
It was just to make sure he still "had" you. It was a powerful feeling for him, knowing that he didn'y have to change ine single thing amd yet you made yourself available.
Got ghosted suddenly by my ex. Moved on. And a little over two year-ish, he rang me out of my bed in the middle of the night, dead ass drunk from a Halloween party, giving me a sob story he was a jerk for ghosting because of 'his aunt' etc. bla bla. Shut the door in his face and went back to sleep. Next day, he terrorised me via text wanting to meet up and talk. Guess what? Let me help you this time to make yourself scarce and irrelevant in my life. Moved away for another job. To this day, he is still ghosted by me. This guy? Never again 😂
Oops. I am still very very angry with how it ended. I walked out after so many times of disrespect and abuse, Emotions..? he got angry. Now I am very angry at how he treated me. I want him to know that there is no going back. I said for my own dignity and self respect, Id rather sleep in a cold van. (I'll find my way again) No no no. Oh heck no. What emotionally healthy woman wants that..
Sorry, unrelated to this video - I'm going out on a bit of a limb here as people can be quick to slate or feel very uncomfortable at such an unusual interaction, so it's not something I usually share. I'm not sure how to share with out this seeming deranged or crazy - but - there's an avoidant guy at my local gym that has deep feelings for me and vice versa.. but we almost never verbally comunicate with each other. I did approach him a few times last year but it wasn't reciprocated. It takes way too much of my energy to approach him and I decided I'd leave him to be the one to approach me. In fairness to him I'm probably the most unapproachable female in the gym and no matter how much energy I pour into being more approachable, subconscious takes over and I scare people away. I also completely freeze up or start panicking inside if he works out near me (and would if I thought anyone was intrested in a relationship with me). No mater what's going on internally or externally between us both I'm trying to keep things simple and focus on what I know for sure. I know we're both avoidant, I know we both have feelings for each other but I also know we both keep running away from eachother and neither of us can step in towards each other and are both comfortable when there's distance between us. We've both suffered a lot of trauma and struggle with social issues. We're both dating. We'll both continue to see eachother at the gym and it's likely the people we're dating won't progress into a relationship. I could just be hooked into the hope that things might work out between us and we could just continue going through the same pattern as we have been for the last couple of years. Whether he can ever find the readiness or confidence to break the ice between us and take the chance to really get to know me is unknown. I'm trying to leave things to God and enjoy my journey what ever happens, but this feels like it has too much of a hold over me and I'm not sure how to navigate my life when it comes to developing relationships. I'm wondering whether I need to completely close the door to this guy to concentrate on figuring out how to develop healthier attraction or whether closing the door would be more avoidance taking over to save myself more pain. If anyone has any understanding or insight any kind and wise guidance is appreciated.
Guess what? She came back after 1 year of no contact and I agreed. Slowly, we talked and got back together. I treated her well. After 5 months of intense relationship when she wasn’t expecting it, I sent her a 3-word breakup message followed by videos of me and her best friend in action. Then I blocked her, now she calls me crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣 . It was funny, I feel better. That 's what she deserved .
@CoachRyanH you have no clue how helpful your videos have been for me while I am passing through a heartbreaking. I thought everything was perfect and suddenly oops he said "I have been thinking about us and our relationship and it is becoming something different than I thought. I feel overwhelmed I feel trapped. You will be always close to my heart but I can't continue this relationship. Sorry, take care mi amor " and I stayed like OMG 😦😦😦😦 mute. I never knew what to reply 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐 I really can't find the words to say thank you for helping me to understand all this 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
No contact for me means I don’t know if they’re dead or alive but that’s what they wanted
Me too. They just no longer exist
Yaaaas louder for the ones in the back
It's hard but it's better than killing yourself trying to fix them
100%
@@Jdotrhh exactly!
This is probably the most important video you ever posted. People should listen to it VERY carefully. Thank you for the wonderful work you do.
I agree it is the avoidant that needs to earn you back.
You have no idea how much you have helped me to even understand what, the hell, happend to me at all. I send you much love from Croatia.❤
I think once we heal, the idea of reaching out to a betrayer is stomach-churning. Anyone who's stuck waiting for a DA to realize their worth doesn't actually realize it themselves. Once they do and live from this knowing, they won't need someone whose tendencies are to dismiss and avoid them to do anything for them. No contact isn't designed to get the other person to do anything. It's for you to recognize and live from your worth so you no longer feel you're on the hook for anything from a dismissive avoidant individual. Become their opposite to yourself - accepting and loving. Your life will feel so much better, you won't want to risk it for someone who refuses to self-reflect or acknowledge truth and reality.
No contact is a very painful method for total break up. If you stay in contact you see all the flaws of your ex and realize how bad they are. During NC you start romantize her/his.
If you live in constant pain during NC you can not do anything useful.
I come back to your videos to remind me of my worth & his disrespect & hurt towards me, thank you very much ❤🎉
Best advice ever. Been NC for a month with avoidant ex. A month ago he just left a message to end a relationship because je wanted to focus on his kids. That's it. Then message him back and never reply. Still healing 😢 but i won't take him back. I don't want him in my life because his reason for breaking up with me doesn't make any sense we've been together for almost 7 years an out of nowhere sending me a message that he wanted to focus on his kids.
Everything you have said in this video is dead on! The abusive behavior is just disgusting and SICK! I’m done being emotionally, mentally, psychologically, financially and physically abused! I USED TO BE SECURE NOW A SHATTERED MESS
He’s messaged me 3 times in the month of no contact. “Are you dead” a picture of the sunset and then “I guess you’re not gonna talk to me”….. they literally do not apologize or think they’ve done anything wrong…. Right before I stopped talking he said I had an attitude (I’ve explained how I felt a billion times and what I needed, he didn’t listen ) he said “I hurt you how can I make it right”…. He’s done more than hurt me,… cheating, was in a relationship with someone else keeping me on the back burner, using me, no dates, labels, affection, no quality time, got other girl pregnant…..I cannot ever give him another chance, I need to protect myself from him. He’s a coworker, pouts when I’m around now, sucks to see him….. But damn I’d like to believe they know how f*cked up they are. I can’t even date anymore. I feel nothing. Apathy toward men in general now, zero self esteem, lots of anger, especially at myself. These people are terrible 💔
I'm so sorry😢 I feel you! This type of person should never exist or be able to date or have any type of relationship. She did the same to me and I'm hurting so much. It has been 2 weeks and she is doing exactly what all these videos talk about. Posting, distractions, etc. Acting like they don't know you. I un-installed every social app and I hope that helps. Some days are better than others but I promise you and me that it will only get better and everything will be alright and even better than it was before.
Don’t let one idiot make you not trust again! You are completely normal and you did nothing wrong! They are always getting the stupid ones pregnant because these stupid women don’t even ask a man to have his child they are just irresponsible and stupid! Happed to me at least 5 times! You will find a great man who loves you, so please don’t give up!
@@jsbp8545They are so manipulative and can also be narcissistic and some 💯 percent know what they are doing to normal loving people! They see how others give affection by the time they are grown and know affection is necessary but withhold it for control because they are insecure in every aspect of their lives!
Dating on apps is a bunch of avoidants, so whether you go backwards or forwards, it’s just a flood of avoidants.
It feels nice to imagine them all forced to deal with each other and slowly realizing they can't get anywhere with someone who acts just like them. Lol
This is very true. I told my ex that it doesnt matter how many men she meets on bumble, tinder or hinge, that all these men have childhood trauma that will eventually be seen by them. Shes just running from her own emotions at this point. This is why I refuse to even go on apps anymore. It's all a bunch of bullshit on there.
@@TalkToTheWind555 they are totally unaware of themselves. They are like children in the fog
Thanks Ryan. God bless you. I listen to this clip everytime that i want to contact him. Thanks for reminding me to see my self worth and that i do deserve better.
Was thinking about breaking no contact today but after this video I changed my mind
The slow fade hurt and so did getting ignored, but I sure have been quiet ever since.
Thank you. I did it wrong for years--I’m done now and moving on!
You’re too good man. Thanks for this content
love all your videos, they helped me to understand her and myself, now i know what i want, and its not her
Honestly just started to watch your clips and it’s the best decision I made!
Thank you for your content it truly is marvellous and makes sense!
It's so important to cultivate self love ❤️ To start, sometimes, you have to "fake it until you make it" When someone is making you feel insecure/confused/sad with mixed signals, ask yourself:"What would you tell your best friend to do?" Then have the courage to do what needs to be done. You'll get stronger AND free yourself up for the right type of love in your life. You're beautiful ❤❤❤ and so worthy
Very painful to listen to you speaking about this intense emotion… thank you for your advice., definitely needed to know how to use coping strategies.
Definitely helps 👍🏼
Thanks for being so validating!!
I wish I knew all this stuff 3 months and a half ago...I was dating a guy that ended up being FA like me, 4 months together, strong feelings from both, his fears started to come up more and more and then he pulled away (he was also starting to tell me I miss you before leaving my place). I went more in the anxious side and tried to fix things, he showed up driving a few times where and when he knows he can find for sure, to say hi (in the first month he stopped also twice and was emotional, then it was too much & showed up again only to say hi with his hand). In real NC now for 5 weeks. Now I know things, I know how we both function, how to regulate better and so on, and really wish he comes back from deactivation soon
Thank you so much for this. I’m on Day 1 of no contact 😢hoping to heal from this and come out stronger 💔
Good luck..it's beyond hard
Five years for me… with the help of the Lord! Prayer makes you strong. It was very hard at first….
@@tamwright278 thank you so much. The pain is excruciating
@@Shestylez1988 It gets easier every day if you remember there is no time frame to healing
Fill your days, better yourself and realize you will get stronger
I just want to say please stay strong! Stay the course of no contact! It hurts terribly as time passes. It was a sudden blow when my ex dumped me 5 months ago in January. I reached out to her several times before I found out how bad it is for both people involved. I hope that I can encourage you to not fall into the pit!
I screwed up. I broke no contact after a month. The breakup came out of nowhere. I have to let go now.
Did you let go?
@vanessaG275 I tried to. I'm still trying, but it seems the more I try the more I love him. I'm so confused. I'm trying to focus on myself but it's hard
😮💨…Thanks Coach!! Just as you know my avoidant blind sided me, as such I’ve blocked him so he can’t get in touch with me. I’m in the process of healing.💔😢
6 minutes ago? Been 6 months here 😂✌🏻
No contact is hard because I live in a very small town and he comes into my work and chases me hard. I have gone no contact and told him stay out of my work! It is so hard and still breaking my heart! So hard to do no contact in a small town
I'm almost 3 months in No Contact after being blindsided and discarded and ghosted by my avoidant ex gf. Today I heard she is hosting a 'goodbye' dinner for friends. So I think she is moving countries or going to study abroad. Anyone ever experience this? They are actually making the distance even bigger
I’m going through a similar thing right now. My recent breakup that brought me to this video is with an avoidant whom dropped the bomb on me last Tuesday (7/9) that she “wasn’t ready to belong to anyone” after I took her out on 7/5 for what she said was the “greatest night of her life.” She’s from my home town in the Chicago suburbs, but has actually lived on the west coast for the last 12 years and moved back her in March after a breakup of a 3 year relationship. I’m not mad at her at all. She explained to me even on the first date that she wasn’t looking for anything serious. I played it cool and was just my true genuine self around her because I felt I had nothing to lose and things got SUPER serious really quickly to where she was spending the night regularly and we were even planning trips together and moving in this winter.
The part where my story connects to yours is that I know in my heart that she’s going to eventually move back to the west coast. She’s not made for the Midwest. She’s so bright and intelligent and beautiful and successful and she only came back her temporarily to help care for an ill family member, so the whole thing was probably destined to fail anyway, but I still have this really really small glimmer of hope. She even gave me a timeline that she’s not allowing herself to date, “talk to,” enter a relationship, have sex, or even drink alcohol until December. She’s currently in therapy to actually ditch her avoidant attachment style and develop into a secure attachment style (what she told me anyway). She’s been so transparent this whole process that I do genuinely believe that she’s trying to change herself because she told me that her avoidant/anxiety/insecurities have lead to the downfall of essentially every relationship she’s been in and she’s tired of it. The anxieties/insecurities are even the catalyst she said sparked her to leave me.
She’s such an amazing, sweet, caring woman and she’s checked in on me a few times since last Tuesday, however watching these videos has made me question if those intentions are pure or if she’s just pulling the typical avoidant strategy of “keeping me around?” I guess I really just have to buckle down and stick with this no contact thing. It’s about to be one of the hardest choices of my life, but if it’ll make me stop feeling the emptiness I feel currently, it’ll be completely worth it
How do avoidants react in friendships? Can they even have them or does that trigger them as well?
Depend I am a fearful avoidant, when I was tested for it my test showed that I was secure in friendships but not in relationships
@@Jyroxcarib ok thank you. I wondered if that was the case. I just don’t want to push away friends by being close
@@ShopgirlNY182 I can only talk for myself it just seems like I had low expectations toward friends and only had good experiences with friendship I am still friends with the same friend than I had when I was 6 yo…. Friendship always felt secure for me and I was quite popular at school, but when it come to relationships 😵💫😵💫😵💫
@@ShopgirlNY182 no you want it Will really depend of people life experience I always had longtime friends never was able to burn bridges and my communication with them is amazing ! But when it come to relationships disaster!!
Going through a DA friendship breakup right now and it's similar to or even worse than a relationship break up. Same slow fade, gaslighting when I confronted about the lack of communication then discard when I vented about not getting reciprocity in the friendship. I admit that I got clingy in the last couple months but I didn't know about attachment theory then and thought the more I chased the more they would see I was committed to making the friendship work.
Thank you very much Coach Ryan, this is life saving knowledge 🙏
she ignored me for a week with no good bye or nothing so i went to her friend and asked if the relationship is over or not ....after she said no and yes and no ....got text from her friend that she is ready to talk on why ....and i replied i moved on i dont need on why or a reason to continue or stop the relationship......i said am out ... she said your fake smiling stop it ...and said stop worrying about me i can handle my self .......healing better nowand feeling better
Thank you so much for these contents. You are helping ne immensely
Your videos have been so helpful through my discard. Thank you so much for everything!
Could you do a video on 2 avoidants during no contact & also the dynamics of 2 avoidants in a connection?
Very helpful video,brother!!Thanx a lot !!
If you don't reach out to an FA, you'll never hear from them again lol.
and what you are losing?? You are losing a person who is not worth your love, time, effort, is selfish af etc
As an FA myself, my anxious part activates when someone no contacts me. Others can be very dismissive as you said, but it depends on how it ended and how they think you treated them. If the FA thinks you’re at fault, then you will indeed not hear from them anymore. Otherwise, the FA will almost always come back.
@@1224polo it is easy to say by people who are not in love. For person who is in love it is a horrible pain.
@@shadowjfdwomen ALWAYS think everything is man's fault. Always.
@@marguskiis7711 i also loved her very much. I know it is very painfull but sometimes you have to let go person freely just for your own sanity and mental health. Your life is most important espacially that at the end of the day this person was very selfish and only looking about themselves and their needs. They didn't care how it impacts you and how do you feel. Extremely egoistic behavior.
I messed up because she sent me a letter, saying it's the last one. Said so many kind things but said we may only meet later in life. I am going back to NC. But, the emotional trigger made me call. I hate that I did it but, its ok. We live and learn.
I know the feeling. 😢Be kind to yourself ❤
Yes be kind. I broke no- contact with an email, but basically left it open ended for him to make it right so if he chooses. It's a process. I said I had to keep moving on with or without you...self preservation. As Coach Ryan said in previous podcasts your lack of closure is your closure. Sending something with no expectation in return can be powerful too. Now I'm definitely in no contact. No response like I expected! Thank you Coach Ryan! You are a blessing ❤
It was oK contacting her why not, I do not believe in all this NC stuff, love is bigger
@@hilaryfalkenberg9348 me too, I wanted closure for myself, no response then is my closure
@@hilaryfalkenberg9348I broke NC today because his country had bad breaking news and I asked if he’s ok. Showed care and that’s all I didn’t ask him to come back but I guess he will reply or ignore one of those. Either way I can’t be together he’s very far + insecure
Last time we split he broke contact by sending a text that he was going to say hi to me but saw I was having quite a chat with another man. A convo ensued which led to a get back together. However, he still contacts his ex GF and here we are again.
I broke no contact giving him a deadline, contacting me within a few days, that is all, I said I would leave his country and doors will be shut then. I owed it to myself to give him this final chance., that is all, you need closure after all.
I’m leaning AP and just broke up with my partner who I feel is an DA after feeling her pull away after moving away and not seeing her for 6 weeks with excuses piling up I had to end it with no contact with ended on amicable terms and I feel like there is still strong emotions there from her however her ability to lean into vulnerability with me was not enough. I’m really struggling and want her to heal but I feel like after two month of no contact would it be better for me to check in on her she said I could message her in regards to an important date in my life (loss of my mum) but I didn’t want to burden her with this. I’m one month into no contact and was wondering if there would ever be a good time to try reconnect i just wanted to show her unconditional love but I feel like I’ve broke that by stepping away from her from the pain I was feeling and now I’m wondering was it my inability to regulate and soothe my anxiety that was the main catalyst for this.
It's not unconditional love if it is conditional to her receiving your messages, don't you think? What APs don't realise is that they need time and space after a breakup, too. I promise you that if you maintain discipline you will come to realise so many things about yourself, and you will heal, and become stronger, and more independent as a result. Never initiate contact.
There will be pain, because your chasing someone is essentially an avoidance strategy for the fact that you were rejected, and the rejection triggered your core wound. Without avoidance you will have only yourself, but that's the most precious person you possess -- your self.
Don't avoid, embrace the pain, feel it out, cry it out. Move on, grow, and you will attract her, and others. The boy who was wounded lives inside you, but he is not you anymore. Love that boy like he were your son. You are a man now.
does sending the hand wave emoji when you see them in a mutual friends' twitch chat count as reaching out? i felt like ignoring her would make me look petty. besides 2-3 years had passed since we fell out. also, I suspect she intentionally dropped into chat when I was there. because I feel like if she really hated me that much, she would've just not came into the chat until I left.
@@palmiccz she also INSTANTLY clicked on & accepted my invite to my discord when I sent it. she came into my discord & we never spoke to each other again after that day... weird. i had like 150 other women in my discord, so i didn't want to put any focus on her & scare her off, so i never reached out again. i feel like i did enough. i said hi in chat with the emoji & sent her an invite. we had a very brief but friendly exchange in the discord DM (the falling out was never discussed) & thats it. i never spoke to her again.
the way she discarded me was worse than you can ever imagine. so i feel like reaching out any more than what i did would be compromising my self-respect. i already did too much imo.
@@palmiccz i see... you're probably right. she'll be alone forever. she was very good looking & after we fell out, she got a bad plastic surgery/rhinoplasty & ruined her face. some years have passed & she is now age 30. she destroyed her only value. i'll be kind & cordial to her, because thats my personality, but i'm definitely not going out of my way to talk to her now after the plastic surgery. she doesn't look good enough to pursue anymore. her dismissive avoidant personality will get a rude awakening. she's used to people chasing her, but now that she looks different, she's gonna get a lot less men pursuing her.
I’ve gone no contact but I saw her Facebook story didn’t comment ! Now panicking that I’ve reduced my odds of her reaching out
why the heck you even want that?... Don´t play the game.
Doubt a DA will ever reach out if they prioritize their independent since almost never initiate a conversations even within their social circle.
Don't you think you are more than how somebody views you and that you are here to experience life? You deserve somebody who doesn't put you in confusion.
She's ignoring and stonewalling me. She's FA. Do I delete her number so she sees that she finally lost me when she sees my profile picture disappeared from whatsapp? do I just delete the conversation so my profile picture still remains there so I don't trigger her fear of abandonment even further, in case she wanna reach back? I don't know what signal to send, that I'm over her or just deleting the conversation.
Not contacting her would be enough. After time she will feel loss (if she has real feelings for you). If she sees no profile picture this would not be inviting and she wont reach out.
If you start playing those games, she’ll see right through it. Just do no contact and focus on yourself and not attaching her return on doing no contact.
she's not worth it then my friend. do whatever helps you, except contacting her.
6 months now.
Same. Its been 6 months and still hurting
5 month here.
Wish I'm there, but I have no hard feelings in spite of what he did and how badly he treated me during the end of the relationship. I just want it to be a year.
4 months for me. Still fucking hurts
@@jordanhattaway29094 months for me. Still hurts
Great information ❤
It’s hard the no contact when you work together, it’s been 3 weeks of heartbreak. I’m not reaching out but i’m beat up to pieces. Any advice on that.
Update: been feeling better, focused on myself reading books about self improvement and leadership. That is definitely helping me, moving on for certain, now if she reaches out to me at all some day. I won’t let her back into my life. Sorry but no sorry. Moving forward to become a better and stronger mind. Good luck fellas If I can do it then you can too.
It's been 5 weeks since my ex for 11 years ghosted me via text. Don't break no contact. Trust me. She told me meanest words when i did before. Just take care of your heart as if it's your crying child and you are the parent. Just let your ex go. Don't look at the pics, social media and other stuff that will make you remember your ex. Find something worthwhile to do that will make your mind busy on other things instead of thinking about your ex. It's ok to grieve. Learn through the pain. It will be less and less painful as you go. Love yourself more and more.
I so loved your update. I hope you are still sticking to your goals and rules.
@ Thanks, I’ve been sticking to my goals and rules. Also started going to the gym and moving on with my life. It’s been rough, but getting better day by day I’m sure eventually I’ll meet the right person.
@@carlosW401 You will meet the right person, absolutely but give it time. It took me many months but watching videos also helped me and just chatting to others encouraged me. My pain still lingers but I am much stronger and going back will delay the inevitable and then I am back to square one. Fight that pain.
@@carlosW401 There is freedom in our pain once it's over. I wrote letters to myself never meant to be sent, and that helped me 80% of the time.
Just don't contact anyone who breaks up with you. If they don't want you in their lives, why should you want them in their lives.
What about when they contact you and they ignore your reply. I made the mistake to reply just said I was ok, no more and he didn't reply at all. Don't want to talk to him again but curious of why?
Control
It was just to make sure he still "had" you. It was a powerful feeling for him, knowing that he didn'y have to change ine single thing amd yet you made yourself available.
Got ghosted suddenly by my ex. Moved on. And a little over two year-ish, he rang me out of my bed in the middle of the night, dead ass drunk from a Halloween party, giving me a sob story he was a jerk for ghosting because of 'his aunt' etc. bla bla.
Shut the door in his face and went back to sleep.
Next day, he terrorised me via text wanting to meet up and talk. Guess what? Let me help you this time to make yourself scarce and irrelevant in my life. Moved away for another job. To this day, he is still ghosted by me. This guy? Never again 😂
Great advice.
Thank you so much
Oops. I am still very very angry with how it ended. I walked out after so many times of disrespect and abuse, Emotions..? he got angry.
Now I am very angry at how he treated me. I want him to know that there is no going back. I said for my own dignity and self respect, Id rather sleep in a cold van. (I'll find my way again)
No no no. Oh heck no. What emotionally healthy woman wants that..
really good stuff 👌
what if she checks in on me idk what to do
They’re posting subliminal messages about missing me. But I feel she to afraid of rejection to reach out. That why I wanna
Learn how the game is played it's chess to most of these women out here. And most of guys to in these day.
You are both playing the same game. At this moment you’re not together, if goes bad the outcome will be the same. So why not ?
Dang i wish i known this 5 months ago.
The one reason to breaking no contact, a kid! :) It's not easy though ...
He explained in the video what to do when you have kids
@@shadowjfdTrue!
Sorry, unrelated to this video -
I'm going out on a bit of a limb here as people can be quick to slate or feel very uncomfortable at such an unusual interaction, so it's not something I usually share.
I'm not sure how to share with out this seeming deranged or crazy - but - there's an avoidant guy at my local gym that has deep feelings for me and vice versa.. but we almost never verbally comunicate with each other.
I did approach him a few times last year but it wasn't reciprocated. It takes way too much of my energy to approach him and I decided I'd leave him to be the one to approach me.
In fairness to him I'm probably the most unapproachable female in the gym and no matter how much energy I pour into being more approachable, subconscious takes over and I scare people away. I also completely freeze up or start panicking inside if he works out near me (and would if I thought anyone was intrested in a relationship with me).
No mater what's going on internally or externally between us both I'm trying to keep things simple and focus on what I know for sure.
I know we're both avoidant, I know we both have feelings for each other but I also know we both keep running away from eachother and neither of us can step in towards each other and are both comfortable when there's distance between us.
We've both suffered a lot of trauma and struggle with social issues. We're both dating. We'll both continue to see eachother at the gym and it's likely the people we're dating won't progress into a relationship.
I could just be hooked into the hope that things might work out between us and we could just continue going through the same pattern as we have been for the last couple of years. Whether he can ever find the readiness or confidence to break the ice between us and take the chance to really get to know me is unknown. I'm trying to leave things to God and enjoy my journey what ever happens, but this feels like it has too much of a hold over me and I'm not sure how to navigate my life when it comes to developing relationships. I'm wondering whether I need to completely close the door to this guy to concentrate on figuring out how to develop healthier attraction or whether closing the door would be more avoidance taking over to save myself more pain.
If anyone has any understanding or insight
any kind and wise guidance is appreciated.
2nd chance??
I gave this guy 3 chances over 1 1/2 years
Makes me so angry & hurt that hes like this ! 💔😢
I’m in NO CONTACT right now it sux
:/ I liked one photo
But she did that first
Stay strong Taylor, you can overcome this period !
Guess what? She came back after 1 year of no contact and I agreed. Slowly, we talked and got back together. I treated her well. After 5 months of intense relationship when she wasn’t expecting it, I sent her a 3-word breakup message followed by videos of me and her best friend in action. Then I blocked her, now she calls me crying 🤣🤣🤣🤣 . It was funny, I feel better.
That 's what she deserved .
Sounds like you held onto bitterness for years then used her friend for revenge porn
That’s evil
@@Caparason824 dude is deleting comments I think. I left one and it got deleted (about to leave it again)
@@yaarisminko8228 Sounds like you held onto bitterness for years then used her friend for revenge p!rn
@@Caparason824 What's evil is when she cheated on me when i was a good person to her . Now she changed me and i don't regret it . She made me .
@CoachRyanH you have no clue how helpful your videos have been for me while I am passing through a heartbreaking. I thought everything was perfect and suddenly oops he said "I have been thinking about us and our relationship and it is becoming something different than I thought. I feel overwhelmed I feel trapped. You will be always close to my heart but I can't continue this relationship. Sorry, take care mi amor " and I stayed like OMG 😦😦😦😦 mute. I never knew what to reply 🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐🤐
I really can't find the words to say thank you for helping me to understand all this 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻