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Everyome has similar traumas but different responses. We shouldnt run away from a person, learn how to love and grow together, but if they arent willing, its better to get space until they realize. Never judge another.

yup yup! And many people need to figure out FIRST if they are with a shitty person. And if so, use your boundaries and get out - attachment types don't even matter much. Then any constructive advice is solely for people with NON-shitty people who happen to be DA. (The MAJORITY of DAs, actually!) THEN you have the more complicated journey of "is there a way to make this work for both of us" / how can we become more secure?

It is horrible having avoidant/disorganized attachment, having hard times to regulate my emotions and felt overwhelm when triggered in situations, relationships etc. Have been to a therapist 2 years, unfortunately she is retired now. I have worked through some underlying issues but still feels like a looot of work left to work through. I really want to be able to be secure and develop safe attachment. Sure it feels soothing to avoid uncomfortability unfortunately. It regulates the nervoussystem. I am trying to heal this learnt behaviour copingmechanism.

I wish he was 100% avoidant because i feel for the secure part which is perfect then i discovered the avoidant part when serious problems occurred.. i had to leave because i didn’t sign up for it.

Dear insecure women, no amount of boob jobs or plastic surgery will save you from your shitty and abusive personality

Great video@

I guess, the question is WHY to keep the avoidant. So what is in them worth to fight for?

Good videos. Even though it's about avoidants, a simple search will show you the anxious attachments are more likely or at least just as likely to cheat as avoidants. I did some friend dumping from a couple of anxious cheating women in my life over the years. The typical "I wasn't getting enough attention at home" I need validation stuff. I can't stand cheaters and don't want to associate with them. I don't know any avoidants who cheat. The ones I know are loyal. I'm sure there's plenty though just like the other insecure attachment styles. Believe or not, even a few secure attachments cheat.

Despite it hurting so badly and making me anxious i pulled away from an avoidant who I still care for because staying around being neglected, tested and taken for granted was worse

I had a situation end recently in which I was told she couldn’t commit to me and she wouldn’t continue the relationship because I don’t deserve 50% effort, and that she doesn’t want to burn a bridge with me. She said that in the past she would’ve made the mistake of continuing a relationship like ours. I would’ve ended it anyway, hah. She said she needs to finally start therapy and stop relying on relationships/ friends to distract her from her emotional problems. Initially we agreed to be friendly but I eventually told her I don’t want to hear from her unless it’s about us dating. One thing is for sure, if I ever hear back from her she’s going to need some proof that she’s done the work.

Coach Ryan can I call you and talk about my problem?

My avoidant after I found him cheating online (pics, videos, chat) said he deliberately toed the line and didn't physically cheat, because he knew physical cheating was unforgivable and didn't want to be like his dad. It was to keep a foot out of the door and he ended up falling in love with me, realizing how bad he messed up, and stopped on his own. They are selfish, so that's why they do engage in these behaviors. It's linked to the high promiscuity, which he has a disgustingly high body count as well.

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Core fear of abandonment but abandons people…. Um…

Not even parents can mind read Still reading needs is.. more then on of the parent early on. Other people you have to tell.

Lol, guess my ex avoidant does have a crap character and poor morals. Lucky me! He just texted a guy I'm dating telling him I'm cheating. Even no contact on my part, bettering myself doing the work & moving on irritates him. Don't know what he wants from me🤷‍♀️

The only way out of deactivation is after discard

Perfectly described!

Ryan I offer this feedback to you in all sincerity. You describe how avoidants have a warped view of themselves as defective or unlovable, then you proceed to cast them as defective and unlovable. Why would any person in that condition want to "confront" the soul-crushing truth that they really are unlovable?

Having been discarded by an DA recently, I actually can‘t decide which one was worse ~ him or my narc ex. Both highly toxic no matter how understanding and emotionally mature you are. Life is short, I hope none of us wants to keep or get back with an avoidant ex, especially those that have never worked on themselves. Save yourself an inevitable suffering. 🙏

I m going through a break up/divorce. This describes my stbe husband. It’s extremely scary how accurate this is. I think being in a relationship with them made me feel anxious because I was deprived of emotional intimacy. Wow

My guy has pulled away but i didn't know he's an avoidant Didn't even know that term until 4 days ago. So i realized my love and care has pushed him away. I have only messaged him once, and it was because of work. Well he hasn't responded and that was 3 weeks ago. Well guess what. I am now avoiding him. I gave my notice with our company, restricted his access to fb messaging me so he can't see me online. By end of next month, i will quietly block him. No one treats a kind caring person like myself in that dismissive fashion

You’re describing DA, not FA.

Maybe we are not in love with that person but we enjoy having them as a friend ??

Wow I did this, I’m a secure person and don’t realize it

I told him him how he hurt me, and how I didn't deserve to be treated this way. He went from hot to cold in a matter of days. He said "yes, I did go from hot to cold" , but he never said WHY. I warned him in between crying and hyperventilating that he shouldn't jump into another relationship. He was staring at the TV the entire time he broke up with me citing "I need my space" . When I said to him "you need counseling, and psychotherapy, because if you jump into another relationship or you already have one because you have been cold to me for last 3 weeks, if you DON'T get help, it will be the same thing over, and over again in a vicious cycle, love bomb, groom, idealize, devalue, and discard. Apparently I hit the nail on the head, because he immediately looked at me (1st time he looked at me since returning home from an overnight trip "supposedly to see his daughter in a nearby state 5 hrs away, but looking back, I suspect he was with his new victim, supply, ect) He looked at me ANGRILY, with a loud sarcastic tone, he said "IF.. I get counseling, it's because I CHOOSE TO, NOT BECAUSE YOU SAID SO" I replied with" if you don't, it will be a repeat of the same cycle over and over again" I must have hit a cord he didn't like me mentioning another woman, or counseling. That avoidant narcissist knew I finally figured him out, and he hated me for that.

You can take this entire video and flip it for how the avoidant feels with the anxious. Avoidants aren't allowed to have boundaries with an AP. It's all about catering to the anxious and their needs. In turn, the avoidant has to walk on eggshells not to set off the emotional bomb from the AP because they lack accountability on their end and refuse to recognize they are part of the problem. See how it can go both ways? If you can't talk to your partner with confidence and share how you feel then you're in the wrong relationship. Why either side put themselves through this mess is crazy. One thing I've learned in business is that you never talking about another brand or "competitor" so to speak in order to get your point across. Bringing up other relationship coaches and how they run their channel is not a good look. Every channel has their schtick. Some are for viewers who want to make their relationship work, some are to specifically speak on every attachment so viewers can learn and heal, and others are for viewers who aren't interested in healing their own attachment but to sit and blame their ex. It's easy to go through each video and read to see where viewers minds are at to see which category you fall into and how people are receiving your message.

This video popped up on my recommendations at the right moment. I am the anxious one who became avoidant due to trauma. Was dating someone for about a month and a half, decided to call it quits due to not fully healed from a 10 years relationship and I didn't want to lead them on so broke it off in a polite way. The person didn't take it too well. Started playing the victim and bunch of gaslighting. Even tried to show how much they cared, but all it did was push me away even more.

Exactly. I'm still recovering from my brush with a DA 18 months later. I've never felt emotional pain and utter confusion like what my DA put me through. As Coach Ryan says... It's a one way street with a DA which is always all about them. Never ever (ever) again will I make that mistake.

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Thank you

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It’s hard not to blame yourself when they fought for their first & only other relationship yet didn’t fight for ours. It makes no sense to me.

Thank you so much … you explained it perfectly

My gf had trust issues. Resulting amongst others in not trusting me with other women. I told her (and I meant it) that she didn’t need to be afraid of me cheating on her and that I am as loyal as a dog. Yesterday the analogy of a dog came to mind that is left in the woods bound to a tree, because its ‘loving’ caretaker just wanted to go on a holiday.

I love that you give tangible communicative language to use.

So True ❤

So the avoidant/covert narc in my life is now wanting to get my atrention by posting everyday 😂😂😂 i think he might be waiting for the holidays to poke his head out and see if the close is cleared, ive been fighting with the urge to go off on him but this time im doing something different and im just gonna let him be and let go. I dont want to be a part of mind games, and this circus of b.s has taken me almost a year and a half to break up with this vacuum of misery of a man

Definitely no thanks

Thank you SO much Coach Ryan for addressing the other 'avoidant content creators' who push the narrative that making the avoidant happy (and stopping them from running away) is Our burden/Our responsibility and if they DO act avoidantly then its all our fault for scaring away the "scared cat". 😤

Oh! It happen to me. I didn't know at the time what an avoidant was. I just kept trying, and trying. Caring and forgiving, thinking I was getting somewhere. I was naive and too loving. I didn't know there was no hope at the end. I was discarded suddenly, and got my heart fully broken. I learned recently he got married and has a family now. Married a woman he says he can't love 'either' and who married him fully knowing this. He got married because he wanted to have 'several' children and felt his clock was ticking. He says he can love his daughter though... It is all too twisted, too sick, too hurtful, too painful, and too confusing. Now, I just pray for him to somehow mature at some point, acknowledge his issues, and is able to move forward and heal, for the sake of his children at least. Thank you, coach Ryan. You hace helped me immensely through my healing process. God bless you.

I was married for 12 years to a really lovely woman, just that I’ve come to see she was avoidant, still is 22 years later. She is lovely but some of her behaviour wasn’t anything but. She would shut down emotionally all the time, for many days. I came to the natural conclusion that if I gave up all of myself and dedicated every living moment that maybe we would be ok. I also came to t conclusion that I could not do that so I ended it. I went in to have a really lovely long term relationship abs she’s had nothing but short term, failed toxic relationships. As I’ve come to see with avoidants, she never self reflected, never faced up to herself, never took personal responsibility and never ‘did the work’. Avoid avoidants at all costs

Very good, thank you 🙏

One of your best videos! Thanks!

We were young and so in love, we'd met through a mutual friend and she came traveling on the road with me after I'd came home to see everyone. She was beautiful and wanted everything in life I did as well. 3 months of having literally the time of our lives in the most beautiful places meeting amazing people all along the way and I couldn't have been happier. After those 3 months she left for a phantom ex of hers when we came home again to visit. It hurt but I was secure enough at the time to get out of the sadness inside of a week 9 years later she comes back and apologizes wanting to reconnect, I was absolutely elated, even stating at one point that it was good we'd had that time apart to each grow and come back together stronger and she agreed, and so we picked up where we left off, making new memories and still adventuring closer to home in our city because of her 2 adorable kids that she let me get close enough to to love them as well And just like before, 3 months in she got scared and discarded me again. I went completely off the handle, saying she'd lured me back in on purpose just to break my heart again for some reason, asking her why she let me get close to her kids saying it'll hurt them too, admittingly acting totally out of character. It hurt so much to think she'd done it deliberately; how could this sweet, thoughtful and loving girl be so cruel to someone who gave her everything? Then I found AT. Have tried apologizing since then but I think I severed the connection for good this time unfortunately with my protesting. 4 months post breakup and I still cry sometimes, but mostly for the good times now and all the wonderful memories we made. I'll cherish them and her beautiful essence forever ❤️‍🩹

Music too loud for me.

Coach ryan you're the man. Your videos helped me immensely making sense of my inner world and process all the emotions.

Don't get sucked into their games. They are great at manipulating their partners. For me the rule is simple 50/50 or goodbye, no one sided toxic "relationships" .

Thank u

Thanks for being so validating!!