8 years. Discarded, ghosted and blocked. Been 2 months now. She has CPTSD (narcissistic / abusive mother) and was heavily nervously dysregulated when she vanished. This video hit home. Wow - you've just hit the button HARD.....🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
My closure is this: my ex showed his true colors. His mask slipped off. I needed his support during a very hard time. He ran away. I don't need to hear worthless excuses. I know who he is and I know my worth. Bye Felicia 👋
I’m so sorry this happened to you as well. It breaks every ounce of self respect you have, you are constantly questioning whether you are worth an apology or no. I’m going to therapy but this sucks.
I dumped my avoidant the first time she shut down emotionally. Two days later she dumped me and gave very lame reasons why, one of which was that I had “physically withdrawn” (dumped her) ….Lol !
His sudden ghosting was so painful. In the beginning it left me feeling that I did something wrong. With this video I recognized a pattern in his behaviour and it is so much easier to start a healthy process of letting go. thank you
Indeed. I still do not know if I was slow faded or if it really was something else. It could have been something else, but this has never been communicated. As i felt slowf-aded I said it is over. Thank you for your time... It was a very good and close platonic friend. I had no intention to compete with his other businesses... so yes, it was painful
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 No, I do not know what happened but they became very busy and had other more important friends. It is a long story. I am still asking myself if it is worth to ask.
I am fairly sure that she caught some deeper feelings. Her fearful trigger went off and she abruptly stopped communicating. This was a week after a nice lunch to celebrate her birthday. I am 25 years her senior...so she is younger than my youngest daughter by 3 years. I think her natural father abandoned her at a young age which is one of her core trauma wounds. I tried to mend it but she moved from San Diego to Pennsylvania. Last I heard she was having an affair with a married man. She breadcrumbs my FB. I'm in therapy. I never thought someone could be so cold and lack empathy.
Another superb and exactly right video from Coach Ryan. When I was utterly heart broken right in the middle of the blindsided discard... I didn't understand how she could move from telling me I was "the most perfect partner she had ever had'" [quote] and "the only guy she had ever felt she loved" [quote] to a month later (while she was travelling) being dumped. The only response I got when I told her how confused, hurt and heart broken I was... was "This is exactly the situation I didn't want to happen" [quote]. A year on.... and months of no contact... with her monkey branched 11 months ago to the new guy who she described 6 months ago as "a narc and an avoidant" (!?!)... the breadcrumbing to me is in full swing.What have I learned? DA's are incapable of empathy or accountability. It's (always) all about them. Never ever again for me.
What strategies are you using to heal? A year is a long time to give an ex this much thought and energy. I find the longer I let a negative experience live inside of me, the longer I take to heal and move past it.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 It's tough in my case because my ex is also a neighbour who lives in the next apartment to mine. She alternates her time between living here for a couple of months at a time and then heads off to Europe where she then lives with the new rich guy/narc/DA for a few months befroe then coming back here. I thought long and hard about my healing strategy; - Coach Ryan's videos have been incredibly helpful to provide the clarity and strategy I needed. In my case because we live in essentially adjoinnbg apartments (separate entrances thank goodness) I decided I need to have domestic harmony at home. I'm a kind gentle and very private person who eshews conflict of any kind... so I keep it polite and courteous. 1. The key step/piece for me was having the self-awareness to realise if I let her back into my thoughts, all of the hurt she inflicted on me will come with it. And that was a lot of hurt. 2. Each time I feel there might be a risk of this (aka usually when I get thrown each breadcrumb) I think about what Coach Ryan says about the pain I had inflicted on me being the perverse result of me doing the right thing and giving her the love and respect she herself says she had never had. I found that the hardest bridge to cross... but once I did then my own sense of self worth and self respect returned very quickly. 3. That in turn then gave me the confidence to set my boundaries and go effectively no-contact (which was an incredibly liberating feeling once it started to work). It has been very interesting to note that since I started doing this, I now get an almost weekly 'How are you? How are things at home?' text message/bread crumb. I answer briefly and courteously but I very intentionally *never* ask the reciprocal question back. 4. This approach helps me feel like I am not ghosting (behaviour I can't stand), I am not validating her (because I never ask how she is which is really what she wants to hear), I *never* instigate the text (I made this mistake earlier in the year and only ever got the emotionless cold brush off which then always left me feeling hurt and wondering why on earth did I send the message in the first place knowing I was going to just feel bad by whatever shallow response I might get if I got one at all). 5. What this approach does do is let me feel like I am back in full control of my emotions, see and understand her behaviour for what it actually is (that's the key piece) and then understand the conection between the two. If I am in control of my emotions (following Coach Ryan's golden words of advice) then she no longer has the ability to inflict any more pain on me and I don't have to feel like I have compromised my values or the person who I am. 6. Bottom line... my life is better... which is my 'North Star' objective in my healing strategy. Having said all that (sorry for the lengthy response but I do also find writing this stuff down also really helps)... it has been a really tough personal journey and unlike anything I have ever experienced. I am a senior exec in my company and often get asked to key note industry forums. One tihng I often say is "When trying to solve any problem, take time out of the equation and then see if the problem still looks the same." That has turned out to be surprisingly true for e personally as I worled out my self healing strategy. And finally, it has been so much harder for me viz living in very close proximity to someone who I did have such strong feelings for, who I don't dislike as a person but who inflicted so much hurt and pain on me because of who she is (not who I am). The balancing act between having empathy for her and my own health and mental well being was a very thin tightrope for a long time. Now its a very solid wide road and my life is good again. Ps... Noting also she is in a relation/situationship with the new guy... but is sending me (the discard) weekly (at least) text messages/breadcrumbs... who on earth does that other than a full DA playing out the full DA suite of selfish self absorbed behaviour?
@citizenoz in response to your question of who else does that besides a DA... it could be a covert narcissist. There are a lot of similarities between the two.
I've been heartbroken for two months after he ghosted me!! I called him after six weeks and his voicemail was full so I hung up and didn't text. He will have to live with losing the best thing that has ever happened to him!!!!
100% no accountability no respect or responsibility then blames everything on me and that I’m telling stories and she’s the victim. I don’t even care I’m looking out for my son while she rages and rampages. Had the kicked out with no explanation then asked back to a long slow fade and monkey branch cheated breadcrumbs gaslight and lies. But it’s all my fault. Go figure that out. These people have no care no reflection or no respect whatsoever. Be careful out there people it’s a tuff world. Work on yourselves before anything else
Sounds likeyou are also dealing with narc rage as well. Protect yourself and your son as your only priority; nothing you can say or do will help your ex. It will just make you the target again.
We just not a match. We just not compatible. I lost my romantic feelings. I was too loud in the morning. In fact we had the best time, very loving, very compatible. It’s was crazy. The blindside and it was over. Seems so crazy that they can’t see this. That they are so guarded. That they can’t see their behavior makes no sense.
Am I cooked? Am I cooked She came back and wrote me this after ghosting me for 2weeks. “My distance and silence are because this time I know we have no future together, so there’s no reason for us to talk anymore, unlike before when I still had hope that we were compatible. I don’t know what kind of response or reaction you’re expecting from me by writing such ridiculous things, but I no longer want us to talk, so I would appreciate it if you stopped writing to me.”
@segri3697 he adored me for 3 years and my trauma leaked in and he left at my worst. He said he didn't see a future and that he doesn't see me romantically. Can he still return?
I loved my ex who ended up discarding me in this way. It took time for me to get passed this story and I had to convince myself that I was never truly loved or wanted.
Been through this cycle 6-7 times with my wife in the last 8 years. Currently at the end of one now. Either I put in the bad boy mask or file for divorce. At least she’s sober a year this time around. Her neglectful mother sent her repeatedly over to a 13 year old boys house as she was getting SA’d at 4-5 years old and ignored her trying to speak out. Wasn’t till kindergarten and she was perform acts on boys it had to finally be acknowledged. Mother blamed her father and the cycle continues. Mother divorced preacher with her first daughter after daughter nearly died drowning. Mother is accountable for nothing.
Thank you for your videos coach! How would you describe a normal breakup? What is the protokoll and the elements of giving closure and taking responsibility? Can you give some examples? Thank you.
Create videos on how to hold them accountable. I am starting to appreciate the people who blast their exes online. Not a good look, but I get it. They do need to be held accountable. Share a video on that.
It depends on the type of discard. Flick switch or fade out... my DA played the classic 'I'm just so busy' line and then de-activated from me when she went overseas on a 6 week trip in early 2023. So I guess I got parts of both; she used 'busy' as the cover for the fade out and then flicked the switch when she was on the other side of the planet. Then it all moved into the breadcrumbing phase (see my comment above).
Yes, from the begining I told him his behaviour is "suspiciously too good" (didn't know the term lovebombing then) and asked him what's up straight away. I was very sceptical and chill at first which paradoxally made him feel comfortable enough to persist with it all for five months(!) And when I clearly gave in and it was very obvious that the day to define things between us has come... all of a sudden a U-turn with a very pathetic excuse that didn't make any sense + ghosting. No explanation. No arguments beforehand. It all went from the most romantic moments to total discard (not a break-up, a discard) within a blink of an eye. Was he back within a few months? Oh yeah, a couple of times. "Opening up", even confessing he knows he'a an avoidant. That there wasn't a week without stalking my social medias. Making it sound like he's the victim. Same phrases used every single time. I finally fully (emotionally!) let go a while ago. I'm dating a very secure person now and I'm amazed how easy and seamless things are. Peaceful. Just lovely. Now that I know this... There's no way back to the nonsense time-wasters. You realise how low the bar was with them the moment you start valuing yourself and open up for healthy people.
@@MagdalenaDrMags This is almost my version of the FA plot, so heartbreaking! I congratulate you for finally meeting someone else who is a very secure person, it's simple and warm!👍 But I can't, it's too difficult for me to enter a new relationship. Before FA, I had no love story for 20 years, of course, no BF. BTW, could you tell me? Now are you really putting your DA down completely and letting him be your history? Or are you just entering a new relationship temporarily to heal the trauma that DA has caused you?
@@暗香晚风hi! Yes so he claims to be FA as well, but he is deffo leaning towards dissmisive side of it more. So now I think I am fully recovered and I am very happy in my relationship. However, it took lots of false attempts of letting go at first to be in a place I am right now. It was 2.5 years total, I mean the whole story, from first dates and lovebombing till me finally letting go for real. I was dating in between, but I knew very well I'm just doing it to kill time, still hoping that he is going to reach out after no contact. And he would always eventually do so. But no matter what approach I had it would also aleays end the same. To the point that the bery last time I was able to precisely predict the words and phrases he is going to use yet again to keep me hooked. I found the courage and strenght in me to say no to that and I've no regrets. But took lots of selfwork and manifesting focused purely on my self worth!
And they are immature and they want to protect themselves.
They don’t care about you, and how they’ve affected you.
8 years. Discarded, ghosted and blocked. Been 2 months now. She has CPTSD (narcissistic / abusive mother) and was heavily nervously dysregulated when she vanished. This video hit home. Wow - you've just hit the button HARD.....🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
My closure is this: my ex showed his true colors. His mask slipped off. I needed his support during a very hard time. He ran away. I don't need to hear worthless excuses. I know who he is and I know my worth. Bye Felicia 👋
So sorry about this , don't give her / him second chance they not deserve for this
Going through the same thing, he let me all alone when i needed his suppor the most, i guess its a force of habit with the avoidants...
I’m so sorry this happened to you as well. It breaks every ounce of self respect you have, you are constantly questioning whether you are worth an apology or no. I’m going to therapy but this sucks.
I dumped my avoidant the first time she shut down emotionally. Two days later she dumped me and gave very lame reasons why, one of which was that I had “physically withdrawn” (dumped her) ….Lol !
Don't give avoiders second, third and next chances. They don't deserve it, respect yourself and your rules . Once they leave there is NO WAY BACK
They dont come back?
SOME of them will try , but after at least few months to a year. They will try when next relationship fail
@@ik6577 they are so unpredictable, frustrating & all over the place. Self love all the way
His sudden ghosting was so painful. In the beginning it left me feeling that I did something wrong. With this video I recognized a pattern in his behaviour and it is so much easier to start a healthy process of letting go. thank you
This discarding applies to platonic relationships as well as romantic ones. A ten year friendship got discarded via text.
Mine was yesterday after 7 years.
Indeed. I still do not know if I was slow faded or if it really was something else. It could have been something else, but this has never been communicated. As i felt slowf-aded I said it is over. Thank you for your time... It was a very good and close platonic friend. I had no intention to compete with his other businesses... so yes, it was painful
Do you know what was happening on her end to want to call the friendship quits?
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 No, I do not know what happened but they became very busy and had other more important friends. It is a long story. I am still asking myself if it is worth to ask.
I am fairly sure that she caught some deeper feelings. Her fearful trigger went off and she abruptly stopped communicating. This was a week after a nice lunch to celebrate her birthday. I am 25 years her senior...so she is younger than my youngest daughter by 3 years. I think her natural father abandoned her at a young age which is one of her core trauma wounds. I tried to mend it but she moved from San Diego to Pennsylvania. Last I heard she was having an affair with a married man. She breadcrumbs my FB. I'm in therapy. I never thought someone could be so cold and lack empathy.
Another superb and exactly right video from Coach Ryan. When I was utterly heart broken right in the middle of the blindsided discard... I didn't understand how she could move from telling me I was "the most perfect partner she had ever had'" [quote] and "the only guy she had ever felt she loved" [quote] to a month later (while she was travelling) being dumped. The only response I got when I told her how confused, hurt and heart broken I was... was "This is exactly the situation I didn't want to happen" [quote].
A year on.... and months of no contact... with her monkey branched 11 months ago to the new guy who she described 6 months ago as "a narc and an avoidant" (!?!)... the breadcrumbing to me is in full swing.What have I learned? DA's are incapable of empathy or accountability. It's (always) all about them. Never ever again for me.
What strategies are you using to heal? A year is a long time to give an ex this much thought and energy. I find the longer I let a negative experience live inside of me, the longer I take to heal and move past it.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 It's tough in my case because my ex is also a neighbour who lives in the next apartment to mine. She alternates her time between living here for a couple of months at a time and then heads off to Europe where she then lives with the new rich guy/narc/DA for a few months befroe then coming back here. I thought long and hard about my healing strategy; - Coach Ryan's videos have been incredibly helpful to provide the clarity and strategy I needed. In my case because we live in essentially adjoinnbg apartments (separate entrances thank goodness) I decided I need to have domestic harmony at home. I'm a kind gentle and very private person who eshews conflict of any kind... so I keep it polite and courteous.
1. The key step/piece for me was having the self-awareness to realise if I let her back into my thoughts, all of the hurt she inflicted on me will come with it. And that was a lot of hurt.
2. Each time I feel there might be a risk of this (aka usually when I get thrown each breadcrumb) I think about what Coach Ryan says about the pain I had inflicted on me being the perverse result of me doing the right thing and giving her the love and respect she herself says she had never had. I found that the hardest bridge to cross... but once I did then my own sense of self worth and self respect returned very quickly.
3. That in turn then gave me the confidence to set my boundaries and go effectively no-contact (which was an incredibly liberating feeling once it started to work). It has been very interesting to note that since I started doing this, I now get an almost weekly 'How are you? How are things at home?' text message/bread crumb. I answer briefly and courteously but I very intentionally *never* ask the reciprocal question back.
4. This approach helps me feel like I am not ghosting (behaviour I can't stand), I am not validating her (because I never ask how she is which is really what she wants to hear), I *never* instigate the text (I made this mistake earlier in the year and only ever got the emotionless cold brush off which then always left me feeling hurt and wondering why on earth did I send the message in the first place knowing I was going to just feel bad by whatever shallow response I might get if I got one at all).
5. What this approach does do is let me feel like I am back in full control of my emotions, see and understand her behaviour for what it actually is (that's the key piece) and then understand the conection between the two. If I am in control of my emotions (following Coach Ryan's golden words of advice) then she no longer has the ability to inflict any more pain on me and I don't have to feel like I have compromised my values or the person who I am.
6. Bottom line... my life is better... which is my 'North Star' objective in my healing strategy.
Having said all that (sorry for the lengthy response but I do also find writing this stuff down also really helps)... it has been a really tough personal journey and unlike anything I have ever experienced. I am a senior exec in my company and often get asked to key note industry forums. One tihng I often say is "When trying to solve any problem, take time out of the equation and then see if the problem still looks the same." That has turned out to be surprisingly true for e personally as I worled out my self healing strategy.
And finally, it has been so much harder for me viz living in very close proximity to someone who I did have such strong feelings for, who I don't dislike as a person but who inflicted so much hurt and pain on me because of who she is (not who I am). The balancing act between having empathy for her and my own health and mental well being was a very thin tightrope for a long time. Now its a very solid wide road and my life is good again.
Ps... Noting also she is in a relation/situationship with the new guy... but is sending me (the discard) weekly (at least) text messages/breadcrumbs... who on earth does that other than a full DA playing out the full DA suite of selfish self absorbed behaviour?
@citizenoz in response to your question of who else does that besides a DA... it could be a covert narcissist. There are a lot of similarities between the two.
He left me voicemail of " goodbye and go have fun!? "
I've been heartbroken for two months after he ghosted me!!
I called him after six weeks and his voicemail was full so I hung up and didn't text. He will have to live with losing the best thing that has ever happened to him!!!!
100% no accountability no respect or responsibility then blames everything on me and that I’m telling stories and she’s the victim. I don’t even care I’m looking out for my son while she rages and rampages. Had the kicked out with no explanation then asked back to a long slow fade and monkey branch cheated breadcrumbs gaslight and lies. But it’s all my fault. Go figure that out. These people have no care no reflection or no respect whatsoever. Be careful out there people it’s a tuff world. Work on yourselves before anything else
Sounds likeyou are also dealing with narc rage as well. Protect yourself and your son as your only priority; nothing you can say or do will help your ex. It will just make you the target again.
Thank you, coach Ryan. Your videos are helping me to move forward and heal. I understand things now that I didn't even know about then... ❤😊
We just not a match. We just not compatible. I lost my romantic feelings. I was too loud in the morning. In fact we had the best time, very loving, very compatible. It’s was crazy. The blindside and it was over. Seems so crazy that they can’t see this. That they are so guarded. That they can’t see their behavior makes no sense.
Thanks!
Am I cooked? Am I cooked
She came back and wrote me this after ghosting me for 2weeks. “My distance and silence are because this time I know we have no future together, so there’s no reason for us to talk anymore, unlike before when I still had hope that we were compatible. I don’t know what kind of response or reaction you’re expecting from me by writing such ridiculous things, but I no longer want us to talk, so I would appreciate it if you stopped writing to me.”
He was the sweet person, most supportive, loving jusy perfect and then blindsided me. Can this happen??
It can absolutely happen!
@segri3697 he adored me for 3 years and my trauma leaked in and he left at my worst. He said he didn't see a future and that he doesn't see me romantically. Can he still return?
This is 100% accurate , going through it now... after 11 years
Thank you 🙏...
I loved my ex who ended up discarding me in this way. It took time for me to get passed this story and I had to convince myself that I was never truly loved or wanted.
Been through this cycle 6-7 times with my wife in the last 8 years. Currently at the end of one now. Either I put in the bad boy mask or file for divorce. At least she’s sober a year this time around. Her neglectful mother sent her repeatedly over to a 13 year old boys house as she was getting SA’d at 4-5 years old and ignored her trying to speak out. Wasn’t till kindergarten and she was perform acts on boys it had to finally be acknowledged. Mother blamed her father and the cycle continues. Mother divorced preacher with her first daughter after daughter nearly died drowning. Mother is accountable for nothing.
Thank you for your videos coach! How would you describe a normal breakup? What is the protokoll and the elements of giving closure and taking responsibility? Can you give some examples? Thank you.
I'm on that Buffalo Bill level of loving myself now. LOL 😂
Create videos on how to hold them accountable. I am starting to appreciate the people who blast their exes online. Not a good look, but I get it. They do need to be held accountable. Share a video on that.
That’s makes you just as bad as them. No thanks.
Blasting an ex online is toxic. Healing, moving on and bettering yourself sounds far more appealing.
Thanks Coach Ryan.
I'm just wondering if anyone actually feels something off within these relationships before any sort of pulling away/discard??
It depends on the type of discard. Flick switch or fade out... my DA played the classic 'I'm just so busy' line and then de-activated from me when she went overseas on a 6 week trip in early 2023. So I guess I got parts of both; she used 'busy' as the cover for the fade out and then flicked the switch when she was on the other side of the planet. Then it all moved into the breadcrumbing phase (see my comment above).
@@citizenoz Sorry you had to go through that.. but before it got to any of that did you feel something off about her or the relationship?
Yes, from the begining I told him his behaviour is "suspiciously too good" (didn't know the term lovebombing then) and asked him what's up straight away. I was very sceptical and chill at first which paradoxally made him feel comfortable enough to persist with it all for five months(!) And when I clearly gave in and it was very obvious that the day to define things between us has come... all of a sudden a U-turn with a very pathetic excuse that didn't make any sense + ghosting. No explanation. No arguments beforehand. It all went from the most romantic moments to total discard (not a break-up, a discard) within a blink of an eye. Was he back within a few months? Oh yeah, a couple of times. "Opening up", even confessing he knows he'a an avoidant. That there wasn't a week without stalking my social medias. Making it sound like he's the victim. Same phrases used every single time. I finally fully (emotionally!) let go a while ago. I'm dating a very secure person now and I'm amazed how easy and seamless things are. Peaceful. Just lovely. Now that I know this... There's no way back to the nonsense time-wasters. You realise how low the bar was with them the moment you start valuing yourself and open up for healthy people.
@@MagdalenaDrMags
This is almost my version of the FA plot, so heartbreaking!
I congratulate you for finally meeting someone else who is a very secure person, it's simple and warm!👍
But I can't, it's too difficult for me to enter a new relationship. Before FA, I had no love story for 20 years, of course, no BF.
BTW, could you tell me?
Now are you really putting your DA down completely and letting him be your history? Or are you just entering a new relationship temporarily to heal the trauma that DA has caused you?
@@暗香晚风hi! Yes so he claims to be FA as well, but he is deffo leaning towards dissmisive side of it more. So now I think I am fully recovered and I am very happy in my relationship. However, it took lots of false attempts of letting go at first to be in a place I am right now. It was 2.5 years total, I mean the whole story, from first dates and lovebombing till me finally letting go for real. I was dating in between, but I knew very well I'm just doing it to kill time, still hoping that he is going to reach out after no contact. And he would always eventually do so. But no matter what approach I had it would also aleays end the same. To the point that the bery last time I was able to precisely predict the words and phrases he is going to use yet again to keep me hooked. I found the courage and strenght in me to say no to that and I've no regrets. But took lots of selfwork and manifesting focused purely on my self worth!
thank you for your videos!
Isn't this narcissistic personality disorder then?
It's similar, but the motive behind the discard is the difference maker. I believe people NPD are much more intentional in hurting their partner
THANK YOU!!🙏😩 I can't get him out of my mind I can't live like this.❤️🩹🥺
Im sure u still very young , u will be fine take your time , focus on yourself .