Makes total sense and what I really need to hear right now. Long distance me US, she Canada. My former beloved decided not to reconnect again after her mother passed and she wanted some time alone. When we parted ways at the beginning of the year, I got a nice card that said "I love you and I might still run away." So she was already preparing me for the next time she withdrew. I just hoped that it wouldn't be permanent. As an anxious I usually fall hard and fast. This time I was better prepared to go slower and learn as much about myself as her. Long distance helped having that time apart. I now know that I deserve to be with someone who is willing to communicate their feelings and their struggles. I don't expect perfection. Just a willingness to grow closer through those challenges. Your 4 steps are really important for me to dissolve more of my anxious patterns. I will be coming back to take notes on that.
Time heals wounds and taking care of yourself is worth it. I have gotten out of the dumps several times in my life after being conditioned in early childhood to actually work differently and under the person putting himself above you. Every time I got out stronger and I am so happy about that. The channel here is so helpful. I wished I had known about this kind of support before. I am currently drifting in the wind that might leave me standing alone on my purdy lil hill I have climbed over the years. but I'm not scared of it. Let's just keep climbing regardless of what others do or say! There is a good video by her about grief. If you manage to still live your healthy bliss of life and live life passionately (also alone) you will heal and not chase. But mourning is still important if the wind has passed for sure. I wish you strength and love!
@@stevenmorris5562 thank you for watching and for commenting with a bit of your experience. It sounds like you were able to use it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and try new ways of showing up to a relationship. Bravo for the insights you gained, and for being open to taking what you have learned and applying it to future relationships.💕❤️🙌
Месяц назад
Your lucky it failed canada is an absolute shit hole.
Thank you so much for the video. I am heartbroken after being ghosted by an avoidant man two months ago after more than a year in a committed relationship. I started to recognize avoidant tendencies in him about 4 months into the relationship and addressed them gently as relationship coaches recommended. He responded well…. Until he ghosted. I had been married to an avoidant prior. Divorced 14 years ago after a 12 year marriage. It took a long time to heal from that and to figure out what was going on with the ex husband. I have done a lot of research and healing work on myself, but not enough it seems as I guess I still attracted another avoidant with PTSD from military service on top of that. This video really helped.
Thank you for your beautiful compassionate energy and showing that it is all about what we do or think - not what they are. Many coaches are very radical and jugdmental about the avoidants, but for me it was much easier to take care of myself when I finally looked at my partner with compassion, not anger and resentment. It helped me shift the energy in me and feel ok with the thought that they might dissapear for good when I change my way of being and my standards.
There might be some instance where mirroring did occur, but the other side of it is why we came into their life. Its sad that they have that trauma to have brought them to that place of avoidants. I wish they would heal but sometimes they seem to be attached to their wounding for whatever purpose that serves but in that they drag down others to that level or try to whether intentionally or otherwise. Im glad this information is out and not that Im against learning by experience but these situations are extreme and would prefer not to have experienced that of him. May they/we all heal and be better. Thank you...
Absolutely horrendous what my ex did to me seven months ago. Complete self fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Pulled the rug from under my feet based on fears about who I’d never become. Absolutely traumatising.
That one about the person having nice things but throwing trash out the window being an indicator of being materialistic and lourding it over you.... I never realized that, but it is so true! I am an utter failure at relationships. Noone sees in me anything worth being proud of or making effort for, nor commitment to. 40 yrs of the same messaging, I'm not sure how I can actually believe anything different at this point
There are so many great points in this video. Thank you so much! This is also about looking at the relationship as a mirror, and this video is going to be a great starting point in my healing. I'll be back at least a few times to reference and reflect on this!
It's so true, they superimpose the idea of too much emotional responsibility...so they don't have any... Also agree that chasing is accepting the hot potato...
This explains why his argument was all around how he will fail at being a father figure to my son. I kept saying I don’t need a father figure for my son! But he wouldn’t hear it and told me to find someone else and that he doesn’t date women who have kids (but he dated me for 17 months and was so kind to my kids the entire time). So wild. He is committed to misunderstanding me and I suspect he had already met someone else in order to get distance from me and the closeness we had achieved.
I loved her so much, did everything in my power to make her happy and improve her life. The discard after 3 years was HARD, i still think of her daily, but i had to walk away after realizing i was giving 99% and she 1% even as far as being friends after the breakup. If i dont message? 3 months go by. I learned attachment theory AFTER the breakup and i wish i wouldve before or during our time together. Cant turn back time though, so although we live in the same town and ive ran into her here and there, its all happy and stuff....then still no followup text or continuation of a conversation weeks later. Nah, effort is important if you care about someone. If i dont hear from any of my friends in a month, id be like "bro, you good?" And trust me i understand her autonomy and literally she doesnt realize why she has no friends...but that's why. To me, it comes off as selfish because she only thinks about herself and the world revolves around her. Oof, i had to let it all go and im still working on myself too being AP.
We got close after 4 months of no contact. Before that he was very flaky. Now, after we had nice time 3 times in 6 weeks, one time on his birthday, he's done an about face, and says that I'm after commitment, to forget him, he'd rather I walk away " before we get deeper involved". I was specific about what I wanted, he said he can do it. But he also mentioned his fear that he'd screw up. And when he couldn't follow on his words , he admitted it and said " I blew all of those things" and " I'm not your man". I was positive, said I wasn't walking away. Now no communication. Please help.
As an avoider I focus more on me😂 rather than be entangled with a person I feel still has a lot of work to do within themselves and can’t benefit me in any form.
I don’t really understand, what should I do, if our communication slowly dies and he’s looking for a new girlfriend… How to save and improve communication at this point?
Greetings from Shanghai! You, my dear, is some of the most wise person and well prepared Communicator I’ve found here! Thank you for your great job. Would you like to be my avoidant Partner? :-D
My last relationship (resulting in a child ) was with a covertly narcissistic avoidant type. I love these questions but I am having a hard time answering them because I have seen the other side of this person, the one who was "hiding" in plain sight. These are excellent questions or me as I can see the higher perspective but how would we answer this with this kind of person. Thank you
It's highly unusual for a narc to be avoidant because narcs are users, and want relationships to get what they can out of others, whereas avoidants are usually resisting getting too close and resisting relationships. A narc will even force and manipulate a relationship, so they can get supply and get the person serving and taking care of them. Unless it's fearful avoidant you're talking about, yes they're back and forth the whole time...People seem to confuse the two a lot though with the common misconception that a narc is simply a description for a person that hurts others and abandons... It's more than that it's walking all over the boundaries of others, entitled attitude, manipulating AND a lack of empathy because of that entitlement(gradiose) the feeling of others don't count, or thinking they've suffered more than you possibly could (covert) the typical victim mentality. So avoidant as in DA, being a narc, is apparently not impossible but very rare.(I researched as I managed to get involved with both types of narc then a DA).
@@jb-ze1yh Yeah this is how I understand FA to be, once knew someone with that: a decade of situationship, the future-faking, endless cycle of getting closer and being sweet and then being evasive and disappearing for months. When he needed help to save a rental deposit and came to stay in my place for two months (which turned into almost two years) the mask really fell off, and other people (who had witnessed his rage fits) pointed out to me and I learned about NPD. Not everyone with FA has NPD too, of course, but this one did. Wish I had found out sooner but we can only tell others about it, the more people know the better, save the years of one's youth.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your perspective. I think you might be overthinking it a little bit. What did you like about them? And what did you not like about them? For a minute, just suspend your need to categorize them, or makes sense of them. Just break it down into the smallest component pieces. Even narcissistic people are dynamic and often have compelling and admirable traits. This is why they are so charismatic, and often why people find themselves very attracted and attached to them. Nobody is all bad and nobody is all good. So just identify the good and the bad.
I disagree with what you said about liking or loving animals. Some people while not hating animals, they are not animal lovers. They are still good people and are great in relationships. Some people are animal lovers but they are terrible to fellow humans and are terrible romantic partners. I am in agriculture but I’m not a lover of animals. I still believe that they should be treated with respect and I’m a great partner to my spouse.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
Makes total sense and what I really need to hear right now. Long distance me US, she Canada. My former beloved decided not to reconnect again after her mother passed and she wanted some time alone. When we parted ways at the beginning of the year, I got a nice card that said "I love you and I might still run away." So she was already preparing me for the next time she withdrew. I just hoped that it wouldn't be permanent. As an anxious I usually fall hard and fast. This time I was better prepared to go slower and learn as much about myself as her. Long distance helped having that time apart. I now know that I deserve to be with someone who is willing to communicate their feelings and their struggles. I don't expect perfection. Just a willingness to grow closer through those challenges. Your 4 steps are really important for me to dissolve more of my anxious patterns. I will be coming back to take notes on that.
Time heals wounds and taking care of yourself is worth it. I have gotten out of the dumps several times in my life after being conditioned in early childhood to actually work differently and under the person putting himself above you. Every time I got out stronger and I am so happy about that. The channel here is so helpful. I wished I had known about this kind of support before. I am currently drifting in the wind that might leave me standing alone on my purdy lil hill I have climbed over the years. but I'm not scared of it. Let's just keep climbing regardless of what others do or say! There is a good video by her about grief. If you manage to still live your healthy bliss of life and live life passionately (also alone) you will heal and not chase. But mourning is still important if the wind has passed for sure. I wish you strength and love!
@@stevenmorris5562 thank you for watching and for commenting with a bit of your experience. It sounds like you were able to use it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and try new ways of showing up to a relationship. Bravo for the insights you gained, and for being open to taking what you have learned and applying it to future relationships.💕❤️🙌
Your lucky it failed canada is an absolute shit hole.
Thank you so much for the video. I am heartbroken after being ghosted by an avoidant man two months ago after more than a year in a committed relationship. I started to recognize avoidant tendencies in him about 4 months into the relationship and addressed them gently as relationship coaches recommended. He responded well…. Until he ghosted. I had been married to an avoidant prior. Divorced 14 years ago after a 12 year marriage. It took a long time to heal from that and to figure out what was going on with the ex husband. I have done a lot of research and healing work on myself, but not enough it seems as I guess I still attracted another avoidant with PTSD from military service on top of that. This video really helped.
Thank you for your beautiful compassionate energy and showing that it is all about what we do or think - not what they are. Many coaches are very radical and jugdmental about the avoidants, but for me it was much easier to take care of myself when I finally looked at my partner with compassion, not anger and resentment. It helped me shift the energy in me and feel ok with the thought that they might dissapear for good when I change my way of being and my standards.
Avoidant just discarded me after 8 months. This video is very helpful. Thank you.
There might be some instance where mirroring did occur, but the other side of it is why we came into their life. Its sad that they have that trauma to have brought them to that place of avoidants. I wish they would heal but sometimes they seem to be attached to their wounding for whatever purpose that serves but in that they drag down others to that level or try to whether intentionally or otherwise. Im glad this information is out and not that Im against learning by experience but these situations are extreme and would prefer not to have experienced that of him. May they/we all heal and be better. Thank you...
Absolutely horrendous what my ex did to me seven months ago. Complete self fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Pulled the rug from under my feet based on fears about who I’d never become. Absolutely traumatising.
That one about the person having nice things but throwing trash out the window being an indicator of being materialistic and lourding it over you.... I never realized that, but it is so true!
I am an utter failure at relationships. Noone sees in me anything worth being proud of or making effort for, nor commitment to. 40 yrs of the same messaging, I'm not sure how I can actually believe anything different at this point
There are so many great points in this video. Thank you so much! This is also about looking at the relationship as a mirror, and this video is going to be a great starting point in my healing. I'll be back at least a few times to reference and reflect on this!
The strategies were especially helpful when you gave examples. Thanks...
@@janesmith162 I’m so glad the Examples were helpful. Thank you for watching and sharing your comment. 💕
It's so true, they superimpose the idea of too much emotional responsibility...so they don't have any...
Also agree that chasing is accepting the hot potato...
This is one of the best videos on this topic 🙏💛
This explains why his argument was all around how he will fail at being a father figure to my son. I kept saying I don’t need a father figure for my son! But he wouldn’t hear it and told me to find someone else and that he doesn’t date women who have kids (but he dated me for 17 months and was so kind to my kids the entire time). So wild. He is committed to misunderstanding me and I suspect he had already met someone else in order to get distance from me and the closeness we had achieved.
Probably monkey branched to someone else. But you will find someone thats their way of already saying it aint going to work
Thank you! Very clear, informative and helpful ✨🙏🏼❤️
Thank you! This helps a lot
Glad it helped!
I loved her so much, did everything in my power to make her happy and improve her life. The discard after 3 years was HARD, i still think of her daily, but i had to walk away after realizing i was giving 99% and she 1% even as far as being friends after the breakup. If i dont message? 3 months go by. I learned attachment theory AFTER the breakup and i wish i wouldve before or during our time together. Cant turn back time though, so although we live in the same town and ive ran into her here and there, its all happy and stuff....then still no followup text or continuation of a conversation weeks later. Nah, effort is important if you care about someone. If i dont hear from any of my friends in a month, id be like "bro, you good?" And trust me i understand her autonomy and literally she doesnt realize why she has no friends...but that's why. To me, it comes off as selfish because she only thinks about herself and the world revolves around her. Oof, i had to let it all go and im still working on myself too being AP.
Similar story to mine. What work are you doing on yourself? I hope it's beneficial.
This is so helpful!
We got close after 4 months of no contact. Before that he was very flaky. Now, after we had nice time 3 times in 6 weeks, one time on his birthday, he's done an about face, and says that I'm after commitment, to forget him, he'd rather I walk away " before we get deeper involved". I was specific about what I wanted, he said he can do it. But he also mentioned his fear that he'd screw up. And when he couldn't follow on his words , he admitted it and said " I blew all of those things" and " I'm not your man". I was positive, said I wasn't walking away. Now no communication. Please help.
Great info.
@@HustleHabit I am glad you like this! ❤️
As an avoider I focus more on me😂 rather than be entangled with a person I feel still has a lot of work to do within themselves and can’t benefit me in any form.
I'm not after a traditional commitment. I do feel amazing with him, like I don't have to think, also I am caring and loving, authentic.
I don’t really understand, what should I do, if our communication slowly dies and he’s looking for a new girlfriend…
How to save and improve communication at this point?
So good
@@deborahabner7022 Thank you! 🙌💕
Greetings from Shanghai! You, my dear, is some of the most wise person and well prepared Communicator I’ve found here! Thank you for your great job. Would you like to be my avoidant Partner? :-D
It sounds like you are saying to give up on avoidant partners who struggle to open up and then stay in touch.
My last relationship (resulting in a child ) was with a covertly narcissistic avoidant type. I love these questions but I am having a hard time answering them because I have seen the other side of this person, the one who was "hiding" in plain sight. These are excellent questions or me as I can see the higher perspective but how would we answer this with this kind of person. Thank you
It's highly unusual for a narc to be avoidant because narcs are users, and want relationships to get what they can out of others, whereas avoidants are usually resisting getting too close and resisting relationships. A narc will even force and manipulate a relationship, so they can get supply and get the person serving and taking care of them. Unless it's fearful avoidant you're talking about, yes they're back and forth the whole time...People seem to confuse the two a lot though with the common misconception that a narc is simply a description for a person that hurts others and abandons... It's more than that it's walking all over the boundaries of others, entitled attitude, manipulating AND a lack of empathy because of that entitlement(gradiose) the feeling of others don't count, or thinking they've suffered more than you possibly could (covert) the typical victim mentality. So avoidant as in DA, being a narc, is apparently not impossible but very rare.(I researched as I managed to get involved with both types of narc then a DA).
@@ashton1952 I’m not confused. And yes I know who narcissists and insecure attachments works.
My coparent is avoidant ( leaning dismissive in relationships) but anxious outside of relationships
@@jb-ze1yh Yeah this is how I understand FA to be, once knew someone with that: a decade of situationship, the future-faking, endless cycle of getting closer and being sweet and then being evasive and disappearing for months. When he needed help to save a rental deposit and came to stay in my place for two months (which turned into almost two years) the mask really fell off, and other people (who had witnessed his rage fits) pointed out to me and I learned about NPD. Not everyone with FA has NPD too, of course, but this one did. Wish I had found out sooner but we can only tell others about it, the more people know the better, save the years of one's youth.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your perspective. I think you might be overthinking it a little bit. What did you like about them? And what did you not like about them? For a minute, just suspend your need to categorize them, or makes sense of them. Just break it down into the smallest component pieces. Even narcissistic people are dynamic and often have compelling and admirable traits. This is why they are so charismatic, and often why people find themselves very attracted and attached to them. Nobody is all bad and nobody is all good. So just identify the good and the bad.
I disagree with what you said about liking or loving animals. Some people while not hating animals, they are not animal lovers. They are still good people and are great in relationships. Some people are animal lovers but they are terrible to fellow humans and are terrible romantic partners. I am in agriculture but I’m not a lover of animals. I still believe that they should be treated with respect and I’m a great partner to my spouse.
🤩5:40 💢👣💃Thank you! ❤💛💚
@@mn9120 you are so welcome. I’m glad it was helpful. 🙏❤️
Thank you, Briana. This is very helpful. 🙏🏼❤️🩹
@@fitnleen I’m glad it was helpful! Thank you for watching ❤️
Thank you so much for this information ❤