How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship (And When to Leave)
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- Опубликовано: 22 июл 2024
- //How to Fix an Anxious Avoidant Relationship (And When to Leave)// Want to know how to fix an anxious-avoidant relationship? Today, you’ll learn how to navigate an avoidant and anxious relationship.How compatible are you and your partner? Here’s what it takes to make an anxious-avoidant relationship a success. Our attachment styles form us and our relationships. Especially the anxious attachment style and the avoidant attachment style can have a big impact on your relationship. Today, I share my best anxious-avoidant relationship tips to overcome anxious-avoidant attachment in relationships.
Watch the full video to learn more.
Chapters
00:00 Intro
02:12 A DEFINITION for the anxious-avoidant trap
06:41 WHY anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other
10:25 How they get caught in THE VALIDATION TRAP
13:06 HOW THEY ATTRACT AND REPEL EACH OTHER through activating and deactivating strategies
14:47 HOW TO KNOW if the relationship has a chance
19:05 Common TRIGGERS AND TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING in the anxious avoidant trap
19:48 Anxious Open Hearts
21: 08 Avoidant Rolling Stones
23:56 Disorganized (Fearful Avoidant) Spice of Lifer
25:43 Overall Summary
26:46 Final Thoughts
#fixananxiousavoidantrelationship #anxiousavoidantrelationship #brianamacwilliam
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What was your biggest take away from this video? I'd love to hear in the comments below!
You described my husband at the very end. Rigid fragile ego, personality disorder. He is willing to go to counseling but not sure what counselor we need to look for to help him.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I recommend checking out “emotionally focused therapy”. It’s one of the most effective forms of therapy in relationships.
Thank you! 🙏❤️ yes, there’s more to come. 😉
That there is hope. Thank you so much!
It really helped me to hear the part about how open hearts must relinquish their control in order to receive. That was absolutely healing for me. The question I have for you now is, how should an open heart respond if their avoidant partner wants to leave stating ‘you’re too good for me?’
Dismissing an anxious partner’s feelings is a sure fire way to cause more and more emotions and pain
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, Sarah Gittler.
100% true. My best friend/ex fiance of 17 years is doing that to me right now. I want to get back together after circumstances forced us apart and back in the same household 7 months later. She wound up staying with a guy she met on Hinge right before we got together and started dating him. He broke up with her in January this year and came back to me. She responds by ditching without so much as a word back to her ex's place for the last 2 months and says it's because I'm always "up her ass" as she puts it. Discovered attachment science about 3 or 4 days ago and have been reading and researching as much as I can. Trying to get to the point where I'm just over her. I'm a million percent anxious and she gives off serious avoidant vibes. It's definitely not working.
@@AFO3310How are you doing now?
…and rejection
they dismiss their own feelings lol
“I’m terrified that if someone got close enough, they’d realize they don’t like what they find” wow… just to hear that there are people out there who felt *exactly* the way I feel, it both hurts and is a little comforting.
I’m recently met a men like this, he’s full on with texting and talking on the phone, but whenever we arrange to meet
He pulls away 🤔
The avoidant part of me wants to run away and be single forever because I hate that in relationships the anxious part of me is awakened. I feel I'm in a constant battle with myself...push them away...no pull them closer...work on the relationship...no give up....let them in...regret it and then feel resentful that they aren't letting me in. I feel less crazy when I'm single. Less broken. Less traumatised and triggered and yet I know deep down that only in relationships can I begin to heal 🤯 Add in the fact I only seem to be attracted to other avoidants?! 💥😢
THIS! I feel you on every part of this. Best wishes to you! It's such a challenging thing to navigate.
I really get this. I swing both sides of the spectrum and so does my person of interest. I miss not needing anyone but I can see how the relationship has enriched my life and forced me to work on deep healing. I just hope to be gentle to myself and others. 💖
Aww thanks both for the replies. Sorry you both relate really cos it's so difficult. I wish you both loads of luck in your healing journeys too. Do no harm, but take no shit ❤
@@BarryWeirdBastard good reminder doom cake tnx 😸💖
you might have BPD
"I know you better than you know yourself." As a psychologist who briefly dated a (hardcore) DA, it was difficult and even stressful to resist the urge to tell him what was going on. Tried to talk about myself, tried to bring the topic of attachment styles in the most casual ways, but... This can only work if a DA recognises his patterns, the similarities between the relationships they had, AND are willing to work on their core wounds.
Telling them outright about attachment theory can be taken in many ways, I keep seeing in videos that bringing it up to a DA can trigger their "I am defective" core wound, and maybe also be taken the wrong way, but I personally think its at least important for them to know about it outright so they know its a thing and they can choose to either work through it while you are with them or they work on it with the next partner (or two or three lol), eventually they will realize you were on to something. Personally as an AP, I find it fascinating that the majority of APs who are desperate to change either themselves or their DA's actually embrace attachment theory and get enveloped in all the concepts. Its definitely inspired me to change myself, and also has made me be more forgiving towards my partner when they do something that bothers me a lot
Are DAs the most likely of the ‘Avoidants’ to be highly narcissistic?
Same situation with a fearful avoidant, I was cautious when I brought it up, but it was even more tricky and was received with dismissal. One time he said I cracked his code though. It never lasted long and his obsessive doubts in the background. After the break up, when all felt lost, I sent him an article about relationship OCD.
What was DA again? Old head injury keeps me from being able to remember abbreviations
It seems that we need to tolerate an avoidant's behaviour and not expect them to change nor understand us. So this means we have to bear all their dismissive attitude and be fine disrespecting us. Life is short to be miserable. 🙄
I hear your frustration. Relationships should never be about tolerating disrespect or one-sided compromises. While understanding attachment styles can provide insights into behaviors, it's not an excuse for mistreatment. You're right; life is too short to be miserable. In any relationship, mutual respect, understanding, and effort to grow are vital. If these elements are missing, it may be worth re-evaluating the relationship's sustainability. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 🌸
I’m definitely the anxious attachment, when ever I feel the anxiety come up , I dive into RUclips and find something that helps me become more aware and I do recognise this
I still get the feeling of anxiety though
oh babe. i am the same! but sometimes i even take time to come here because i get paralised. Anxiety is awful.
@@campanitavideos I go to my bedroom now , sit on my feet and centre myself and place my hands together, Breath deeply and calm myself.
Remember that’s it’s only a reaction to something in your childhood, allow it flow ❤️
You fix it by ending it and working in yourself and accepting someone who’s secure!
As a therapist and someone who has personally experienced this cycle, you did a perfect job of explaining this dynamic. I appreciate that you didn’t vilify the avoidant but explained the deep rooted insecurities that tend to drive them. I imagine many watched trying to understand their partner and only realizing at the end that they may be with someone struggling with a personality disorder.. in which case, like you said, they will need individual treatment for in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hard pill to swallow for anxious types hoping they can “fix” them. Thank you for this video.
I first watched this video half a year ago and saw myself as anxious attached and my ex-partner as avoidant attached. This video gave me really great input and insight to understanding my own feelings and patterns, which I worked on in my therapy from that point on and learned a lot about myself. He was not in a place to put the same work into the relationship so a few months back I decided to end the relationship. In my eyes he will forever be a kind and warm human, but being outside that relationship and now dating someone who is very similar to myself when it comes to needs, closeness and love languages, made me realize how much I suffered in that relationship and how little I received.
I am sure there are anxious-avoidant-relationships who can build up a beautiful relationship on the fundament of why they attracted each other in the first place. "Anxious people are actually acting avoidant and avoidant people are actually anxious" really stuck to me and described our relationship perfectly. I really believe that a deep fear of being rejected by someone who I 100 % open up to, made me go into that relationship where I could always say "but he isn't there enough". I am glad for the both of us that this is over and better things are coming.
These are so insightful and triggering at the same time. I’m glad one person on the internet hasn’t labelled avoidants as villains that should be left to die alone.
they are anxious people too
One thing I don’t agree with is when people say you pushed them away. I think they push themselves away.
Ah, I'm crying. This might be the first video I found that explains what goes on with both anxious and avoidants. I can see myself in some of the anxious behavior, but anxiety gets to me pretty quickly once the avoidant disappears, so after I voice my concerns or dissatisfaction a couple of times, I tend to leave the relationship alone. Then I go through months of sadness and confusion by myself. I have no idea what that would be called, but it's really confusing and I've always felt like it's the other person's fault for changing so suddenly.
I learned about codependency too, its another child hood trauma response lots of people deal with
"never to to surrender to the act of receiving?" I JUST LEARNT SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF 💀💀💀
I believe we're unconsciously picking our partners, because we need them to grow into a secure person. I am grateful for my relationship, because I am now secure.
MAY IT BE FOR ME!
Were you the anxious or avoidant one?
I was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and he withdrew and shutdown and totally pushed me out of his life - three times. I'm the anxious avoidant type. We were seeing each other for 8 years, and it was definitely a push pull relationship. I finally realized what it all was and had to leave it.
Hey, I’m glad you finally left that relationship - hopefully 2 weeks on it has stuck. The thing I’ve realised about unaware avoidants is that you’re never really in a relationship with them, and you will be penalised for conducting yourself as though you are in a relationship. I’m sure before you got to 8 years, you found yourself thinking, “how much longer can this go on?”. I also want to say that I’m sorry for any pain you endured in that relationship that was normalised. So often avoidants can normalise things that should never be normalised at all, and it can make you start doubting the emotional pain you’re experiencing. Anyway, I wanted to let you know another woman in the world has read your words and is truly wishing the best for you. X
@@withinwithout6263 Thank you so much! It is greatly appreciated. I do my best to also write things and put it out there in the hopes that someone will see it, and this really means a lot. I did think exactly what you have said several years in and when things were not changing. He tried, but he couldn't get past his self-centeredness or his own issues. I didn't want that "normalization" anymore - I wanted it to evolved. I got slow rolled out. Needless to say, I was very very upset with the way he did it, especially when there was absolutely no communication about why. That is what made me the most upset. I know a lot now that I did not then. I know that God has something else for me, and he had to get me ready for it - and that didn't include the fearful avoidant in my life. :-)
As a fearful Avoidant here, this is the best well balanced take on the subject that I have found. Usually anxious individuals are painted as the ones that can do "no wrong and don't need to grow/evolve" , and Avoidants are the villains of the story that need all the work.
I am currently this villain you speak of and it’s not a fair place to be.
The avoidants are the ones lacking empathy. A normal person understands that if you ignore someone you claim to love and treat them worse than a stranger, that that is hurtful and abusive. You wouldn't neglect a child for weeks or months, otherwise it would die. And if you hate the person that much that you can't be honest with them, why be in a relationship with them? Not to say that anxious types don't also have issues. Anxious types have trouble feeling secure and trusting. So when a person disappears for months and refuses to explain their behaviour, anxious people become MORE anxious, less trusting, more resentful.
I am practicing to be less needy and still get my needs met. What a long journey
Same here! Good luck, we can do it!
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Kosha Dillz. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I have an anxious-avoident attachment style and this has been very opening. Relationships are difficult for me. I very much want closeness but am worried that I'll just get hurt. You were saying my exact thoughts, these thoughts are completely suffocating
My biggest takeaway from this video would be I found out that I have disorganized attachment but my DA partner often triggers my Anxious side, hence I need to sit with myself and conciously sooth myself whenever I get triggered anxiously cause most of the time my DA partner's act of pulling away its not personally because of me. His struggle is to be vulnerable. He told me about his childhood experience which created his core wounds, born as refugee, his entire life is in survival mode. I will be more kind to myself and not letting his stonewalling behavior get the best of me. after all he's a wonderful man and I love him! 💖 I learn so much from your videos!! thank you so much for existing in this space!!
Wow….you nailed it. After 28 years in a tumultuous marriage to a woman that is distant she says she wants a divorce. She has always had a wall up. Sometimes a foot high sometimes ten feet high. I found that I was always trying to scale it but then told her (after she declared she wanted the divorce) “I’m tired of trying to scale the wall, you need to figure out why you have one and let me know what you want.” It was then I realized that I chose her because she was “safe”. Maybe it was I who had the fear of letting her in. I think that we all come from the “island of broken toys” but tend to think it’s the other person’s fault. “When you point your finger at someone look at your hand, there are three pointing back at you.” I’m working at fixing my own shit and not my wife’s. She has her childhood issues but I’ve decided to lead by example by working on mine and being open about it.
Hey man, when you say, "fear of letting her in" what exactly did you mean? And how exactly are you trying to work on yourself. Your response would be much appreciated.
@@deepanshjay9990 Sure, my mom was an alcoholic/narcissist which I have discovered that I too have boundaries. Being that my wife (who had an alcoholic dad who was verbally and physically abusive) has trust issues it activates trust issues within myself. So it turns out to be a “Push Me Pull You” situation. Once I abandoned expectations of who I want my wife to be and learned to accept who she actually is I realized that I too had trust issues. I decided to work in my issues and not hers. With the exception of how I communicate with her. I no longer tell her how I feel, I just acknowledge her feelings and ask questions which causes her to dig deeper.
@@Gundog55 you are suppressing your expectations from your partner, are you happy doing so? Do you think, just listening to what she has to say and not telling her what you feel is helping you in any way? And is she aware that you are somehow trying to make your relationship work so she should also start to think about your expectations?
Sorry, i dont want you to raise doubts on your strategy but just want to know if it works so maybe i should try.
Although, suppressing my expectations of love from my partner doesn't make me feel nice.
@@deepanshjay9990 No need to apologize, those are all good points. You say “suppressing” but what I think of it as more of lowering my expectations. Look, life and people isn’t perfect. I looked at my “needs” and asked myself “Why do you ‘need’ these emotional/physical items? What is causing these?” I think you will find that by looking at those wants needs and desires many of them come from unaddressed issues from one’s past.
My MBPT results showed that I am an
ENFJ-T personality. I see patterns in behaviors and other things. I could see that while I’m trying to explain my “feelings” she was busy building a counter argument to justify her feelings. She has PTSD and anxiety so she isn’t capable of absorbing any my explanations or logic. So by my listening and asking questions as help get to the root of her frustrations and fears I have found it calms her down. When she feels she is being heard she’s calmer. Everyone wants to be heard but no one reflects on why they feel the way they do. We blame others for why we feel that way which is giving power over you to them. I have found more about myself by questioning my wants, needs and desires. I have learned more by listening than talking which is difficult being an extrovert.
@@Gundog55 That's a big step of growth, for you. For her, we'll see...
Currently with an avoidant & it's hell. Thanks for all da info & insight.
Same. The avoidant won't work with you just blame and run. She has ruined my life and my health and I still keep fighting for her.
I'm right there with ya. Almost 4 yrs and it's effected my business, my finances and health. I'm not the man I was and it's killing me
@mkckf4l and they make out its your fault. I am too needy. Apparently I have no reason to be upset about her emotional cheating with another married man, they are only friends according to her. This time I've left her for good, but the scars are deep.
I think deep down everybody is a „spice or lifer“ and has both, an anxious and an avoidant part. We just vary in intensity on each part. „Rolling Stones“ are high in avoidance and low in anxiousness, but they still have it. „Open hearts“ are high in anxiousness and low in avoidance but they still have it. „Spice of lifers“ are high in both (poor them).
I think we look for people, who compared to us, are equally intense traumatized but with the reverse anxious/avoidant settings. Maybe we do that because our counterparts perfectly show us the work we have to do in order to allow us to be happy, without it revealing too fast or too slow, but exactly right.
And when we're lucky, we meet someone who's just so right for us, that we can travel that journey of revealing and conquering our traumas at the same perfect speed, without needing to change lanes ever again.
But i guess we wouldnt be here watching this video if this was the case for us (yet) lol.
Really well said.
This video was so eye opening! I tend to be avoidant while my boyfriend is anxious but it's something that I've been trying to deal with yet didn't know how. I've always felt my bf relies on me too heavily for validation and it's exhausting, and when I'm feeling like I need space I tend to feel guilty when I ask him to step back for a bit. Communication is key, and learning how to do it better is just so rewarding 😊
I am actively avoiding how accurate you are, and how avoidant (fearful) I am... I hate when I fall head over heels with an anxious open heart, then quickly fall out, and the guilt of holding on to make sure that its REALLY not meant to be, is painful and pushed me further away. That's the people pleasing that I do. I try to be open, but feel that I will never be satisfied for long... I often fixate on flaws instead of the things that initially attracted me, and pull way back. That 'staying friends' comment really hit me. This has always been me. I think this is my mother... I'm sure of it. I'm emotionally intelligent, but don't feel safe FEELING the emotional intensity for long.
Absolutely in a relationship like this for the past 6 months. We have been looking into attachment theory and, oh boy, it all makes sense now. I´m the anxious one. We´re both trying and it feels good. I feel like I´m growing emotionally. Thank you.
“open hearts” “Rolling Stones” “spice-of-lifers” I love the non-judgmental names haha
"never have to surrender to the act of receiving" - incredible. yes.
Anyone else found that yourself and your partner completely switcharood? I used to be avoidant in the beginning, he was anxious. When he became frustrated with my attachment style and I could feel him pulling away - we became the opposites. Now he is so avoidant and I don’t know how to stop being so anxious and for us both to find that secure balance
Watched this 19x today and I want to cry wish I knew sooner
This has gotta be the BEST video on RUclips about attachment wounds. I'm so glad I found this. Wish everyone would see it
Valeska Vasconcelos Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Thank you! I am the anxious one and my boyfriend is the avoidant. So glad to watch this video in better understanding of the Anxious-Avoidant trap. We have been on and off so many times! Not sure what's next for us...I am healing.
My husband and are the same as you guys. It's so hard and emotionally and physically draining. I wish you guys luck and strength to get through this.
Hello. Any update? I am also in an on and off relationship. I used to be secure type but i became anxious since i have a 9 year on and off relationship with my avoidant boyfriend. It is really frustrating.
The avoidant ones don't suffer as much as you since they prefere affairs over a relationship. Better run. I know from own experience. Try to find healing and a healthy available partner.
i guess im an anxious type but im self aware for a while now, now that im single again I'd work on myself and hopefully i can find someone who'd care for my needs just as much as their own.
Luckily secure attachment & even anxious attachment can successful workout better than an Avoidant ....the numbers of them are on our side. Best of luck !!
I've been anxious & made all the mistakes
I've been healing & growing four five years now . Thanks to all videos, I regonize all the family dynamics.....amazing !!
Thanks for the Enlightenment !!!!
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Mario. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I have never watched a video that hit me so hard about my last relationship EVER
Bailey Saleumvong Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
I , a 29 year old male have realized that i am anxious attachment . And i am now realizing I'm in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style woman .
I see that both of us have failed the relationship and we have both been unknowingly triggering each other .
It's insane how accurate all of this is.
We have fighting been months and things have just made absolute no sense to me . But watching vids like this is helping me understand the dynamic that's been going on .
I don't know if I'm at the point where it's too late to save it . I do want to but i realize as you said it has to be a two person thing . I can't do it myself .
I hope i am able to bring up fixing things together and understand each other's triggers. Trying to think how i can let her know what behaviors send me in a rabbit hole without making it seem I'm blaming her for it .
Thanks so much for this video
Good luck, it’s worth trying. Lots of love, and patience.
Otherwise you fall into another rabbit hole, with someone else.
Watch these videos with your partner?
Just let it die and find someone else like yourself. Avoidants are toxic to anxious people. Seriously.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, dsvp. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
I'm a "Open Heart" & had to let my Avoidant partner go after ten months. Likely I held on about 5 months too long to try & "change" her. Keep in mind she is 55 y/o & a long history of Avoidant behavior. Thank you for clarifying all of these behaviors to me. Luckily in my life I discovered loving partners & healthy ones, finally after 40 years of age ( 2 long term ones). However this last one really threw me for a loop & discovered these attachment styles from you !! They reminded me of relationship trauma's I had in my 20's. I tried to tell her & give her information on attachment theory, he wouldn't hear of it nor read it. She didn't want to change....I tried & tried. I had to leave & it hurt me badly. For my wellbeing & health I had to end it. Life is too short...I'm healing. Thank you !
Good luc kwith your healing
@@Non-disjunction thank you 🙏🏽
Love, love this video! I have been dating a man for almost a year now and just now learning about attachment styles. He's Avoidant and I'm Anxious. I'm willing to do the work, but I don't see how he would ever agree to look at himself. The hot and cold thing is really annoying. Don't think I can live like this.
Thank you, this is the best episode of the series on DAs. Lot of exact descriptions. You nailed those sentences, I hear often. DAs hardly accept their fault. Do not want to work on themselves. We treat them like princesses and they treat us as manure.
You kinda missed the point of the video? Deep down you both feel the same way; you’re worried the real you isn’t loveable. You just project that fear in different ways.
Found your channel recently. I just wanna say, you are very intelligent and articulate, and the way you put things into words is sooo helpful. Deep and insightful, yet easy to follow and helps the listener connect the dots and see the shape of things. Psychologically rich, yet relatable and practically applicable. Keep up the good work!
Alt Acct Thank you! Much appreciated.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment exactly! you put it so simply, its easy to understand
So true🙌🏻🌟
This is absolutely amazing!! But now can you tell us how to recognise someone with a secure attachment style and how to magically find them attractive? 😁
I kinda thought I was an open heart with some avoidant tendencies combined with other problems like OCD and some ROCD but this video reaaaally made it obvious that I’m a spice of lifer and this made me cry but in a positive way and I’m working on my life and myself and my ability to connect with my partner and all of that so freaking much these last weeks. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Frey Venus. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
Well, you 5 minutes of the video were illuminating. After 7 years of trying to have a normal relationship with a sort of an open heart (I'm a rolling stone) I decided to give up. It got better at one point when I started applying your tips but it was one sided relationship as my partner did not even address that I also had needs. It's all about him and his needs. After 10 months I'm still recovering but at least I'm conscious and aware of my patterns. As a very hurt 52 years old I hope I won't go back to my avoidant pattern. Keep the fingers crossed. Thank you very much
EXCELLENT! The part about anxious attachment style chasing avoidants because they don't want to be "seen" for who they really are and don't want to let go of control was a true aha moment! thank you!
OMG. You pack a master's class into every video! It will take me a week to unpack this video...
I have never in my life heard this so beautifully broken down. I am MIND blown right now.
It would be so nice to see a comment where the Attachments are generalized and other blaming.
If you are perfectly showing up in the relationship in the ways suggested, and your partner still responds in a negative manner, then you are dealing with a person whom has not done or is not willing to do the work. That is specific to that person.
Not all people with Avoidant attachments run “ for no reason“ just as not all People with Anxious attachment “ smother just to smother “.
These things will work if BOTH parties are doing their individual work.
People are watching these videos looking for ways to change the other’s behavior without considering their own contribution to the madness.
Do your own personal work to become more secure. Learn to set boundaries and recognize whether or not your partner is doing the work and if they are show more patience and compassion and if they aren’t then maybe it is time to find someone who is.
Ive been married to my best friend for 28+ years. Weve been going through this cycle for the enire 28 years. We have a strong connection for awhile, then i seemed to back off and not show her how i felt about her. In turn she would "put up walls around her heart" to protect herself. I never accepted my part in the cycle. But my eyes have been opened now and i realize that my insecurities caused me to do the same protection cycle. Her childhood was very rough with her parents not being there for her emotionally, so it would make sense that she would have anxious attachment style. But my childhood wasnt nearly as bad, however my dad was very narcissistic and controling. So i did take on some of his bad behaviors. Recently, i have been made aware of the way my behavior can make people feel and have been working diligently to self correct. I have began therapy and am feeling like im on a great path. However, my wife has grown too tired of the cycle and we both assumed it was just may behavior that was causing it. After learning about anxious attachment, i feel like we both have that style and i think couples therapy could save us. But she just wants to end things. I just want her to be happy, but now understanding what our actual problems may have been, i want to work through it. Any advice?
Thanks for sharing. This is the same dynamic between my husband and me. We are coming up on 10 years together and have come to the conclusion we need to both heal and course correct. I am happy for you for getting help and hope you and your wife can make it work.
@Impactfully Thanks. I hope you and your husband can work through these issues. My wife is at a point where she is just finished with our relationship. So no matter how much I'm willing to do to make healthy changes to make our relationship as strong as it was in the beginning, for her it's too late. But she is my absolute best and really only friend. We have 3 grown children together. The 22 and 26 year old are living with us right now and we care for a 13 year old boy with down syndrome and his 7 year old sister. They are our friends kids and we've been helping with them since they were born. So we still live together, help raise the friends kids together, and we own a business together. So this sucks sooooo bad. Hope you and your husband are both willing to keep trying. Good luck.
Thank you for posting this inquiry. I understand it can be a painful and confusing experience.
What you describe it sounds like it may be an “anxious avoidant trap” situation.
These videos might offer some insight.
When to Leave A Toxic Relationship, According to Your Chakras ruclips.net/video/604gZk4iIFQ/видео.html
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap or Divine Timing? How Can You Tell? ruclips.net/video/kEYJqOb0JJw/видео.html
Avoidant and Anxious Relationship Struggles: How to Spot the Trap ruclips.net/video/C9Mr3R_Ykbg/видео.html
[1 of 5] The Anxious Avoidant Trap: A Case of Like Sees Like ruclips.net/video/yMOpdJM3Ot4/видео.html
[2 of 5] 6 Signs of the Anxious-Avoidant Trap ruclips.net/video/Kw0YMwKb6xo/видео.html
Am I Anxious, or Are They My SoulMate? ruclips.net/video/vNoxPtQdAIM/видео.html
BRAVO! this video was amazing Briana, people like you are truly a gift in this world
SOOOOOO happy to see you publishing new videos!
I understand much of the topic but it’s really nice having you as an (internet) support.
Welcome back!
Thank you for your help Briana, so great what and how you do :)
THANK YOU!! this is so informative for both of the parties
Very insightful, thank you. Loads to think about and review
Hi Briana, thank you so much for this video and for the final few minutes. '...And When To Leave' is the perfect closing statement and I appreciate your having put it in the subject line. I wish I had been able to save myself from the last 12 years of hell, but I got it now :) You rock.
Wow. I just came across your channel. Absolutely amazing content and an easy to understand explanation of this dynamic. Thank you!!!! I am subscribed ☺️
Wow. You must be the proverbial fly on my wall with the avoidance description. My hubby EXACTLY. HOWEVER. He has not been that way all our married life. We had a huge enormous emotional upheaval and since then he has slowly descended into the avoidant big time. 😪
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, Sarah Gillian Bower. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
The last minute of your video hit home to help me to realize that emotional immaturity In an individual creates an impossible situation to exist in relationship with.
Ever since Dr. Akhigbe helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommends Dr. Akhigbe to anyone in need of help..
thank you, the most lucid specific explanation ive seen!
This has been the best video on this topic I have seen yet. Thank you so very much
Wow Briana! You are spot on! Thank you 🙏, this is my relationship , and you’ve hit the nail on the head in so many ways and you’ve helped me understand so much about us both… so sad how damaged people can be.. my darling and me I fear just won’t work out..
But you keep on keeping on! I love your stuff!
Great information! Thank you. Xx
This might be the best video I’ve seen about avoidant partners because you skillfully focused more on the dynamic rather than shaming the avoidant. I think I might be dating an avoidant and this video really helped to show me how I am contributing to the problem, my own flaws in attachment styles and when to call it quits if need be. I’ve found sooo many videos on avoidants and believe that it’s way too easy to blame your partner. I feel stronger than ever moving forward. Thanks so much!!!
I'm thrilled to hear that you found the video so impactful! It's all too easy to point fingers in relationships, especially when things are not going as we'd hoped. However, understanding that both parties contribute to the dynamic can be a game-changer. Knowing your own attachment style and recognizing your own patterns can empower you to make healthier decisions for yourself and your relationship. It sounds like you're on the path to not just understanding your partner better, but also growing as an individual. That's the kind of insight that can make a difference in every area of your life. Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing how the video has helped you feel stronger moving forward. Best of luck to you in your journey! 😊
Great video. Any suggestions on how to improve anxious attachment styles so that I can better deal with the avoidant?
Really, truly spot-on assessment. Thank you so much for shining a light on these behaviors.
I thank you for being so good at your craft. You truely are gifted. I have grown so much from listening to you and actually taking action has been painful but I am growing into a healthy attatchment style because of you.
So glad I found you, you make so much sense and have really helped me understand my relationship. Thank you
Briana, you are amazing! Thanks for this video. Please, keep making more. You are blessed.
Really good video. I learned a lot. I'm already starting to implement some of these strategies. Big love to you
Thank you so much, you save me, an anxious one, everything you said is all what happening in our relationship.
thank you so much! it was a really great insight into this issue for me. the final point made so much sense for one particular relationship in my life that left me with so much questions at the time... 💗💗
Such a great video. So glad I watched it to the end. Lots of things I can relate with as an anxious attachment and as you were explaining and providing solutions all I could think if... wow so easy but then again once in it it completely changes the story. Thanks again so explaining this so clearly. 🙂
I find myself in a relationship that is as described. I have never had a healthy boyfriend/husband relationship. I want to know what that looks like. I have triggers and this current relationship is bringing up all my codependency.
Same
This has so many great things in it. Thank you for the education. This helps a lot!
This is very helpful. Thanks.
Life-changing! Thank you for sharing this information. I wish everyone in this dynamic healing and hope you find peace together or in a different direction 💕
In, 34 years, ive yet to find such comment on youtube ability to simply convey this topic [which is so important to every human]. A+, and keep up the amazing work/videos!
Well done. Very informative. Thank you.
Really enjoying your content.
Thank you for the 'some final thoughts' section! Such important information that many don't know given in such a succinct manner!!! This is true public service.
Thanks for helping the world to become a safer place.
Also, that was a pretty touching ending.....
The best explanation of attachment styles I found up to now. Thank you for your work and dedication 🙂
THIS was so informative. I literally took notes like I was in class. I am currently in an anxious/avoidant dynamic (currently not communicating) and it's crushing. I'm a bit embarrassed at how I lash out not effectively communicating my feelings and wants. But also wanting to navigate through this attachment towards a more healthier one.
Thank you for sharing it's much needed and appreciated! ❤
This is the best video I've seen on this topic to date. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I will continue to work on myself so that I can be secure and gravitate towards someone who is secure as well.
Thank you for explaining this attachment style of the pushing pole. I am a insecure, anxious, attachment, person, and my husband is completely avoidant. But we know how to communicate and work hard to meet each other’s needs. Thank you for explaining this so Much appreciate.
You described our marriage. I am the anxious and my wife is avoidant. Our marriage is in a bad place.
You guys may benefit some Anxious and Avoidant attachment therapy separately.. this is me and my fiancé. All aspects of our lives are amazing except with a few things and the few are a road block.😢
good luck. my DA initiated a divorce through email after 10 years married. give your significant other space and work on you, itll help you that way if things go totally sideways, you are prepared…
This was so insightful and comprehensive. Your specific recommendations regarding trigger statements was illuminating. I recognized but never understood the attraction between attachment types until now. I can't thank you enough.
Thank you! This is really helpful 🙂
Wow the avoidant description describes my thoughts EXACTLY 😳
Thank you for helping me make sense of why men used to frequently "run away" when I expresses that I did like them for who they are. Maybe I dont have to say it just show it and stay humble.
Superb explanation of the dynamic... surrender to the act of receiving... this woman is the best.
That is such a good video, I'll (hopefully) watch it with my partner to sort things out. Thank you very much.
Wow! This was so helpful in understanding why my relationship didn’t work.
First video I’ve watched of yours and it’s enough for me to subscribe!
Maléah Desean Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Thank you so much for these Breanna. Incredibly insightful and helpful
Emilie Duchesne Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
This is really good... I'll listen again. I m the anxious he's the avoidant...knew that... just didn't know how to handle it. Fortunately Covid had me breaking down my personality so on that journey
Great video ...wow ...you said It all!
Wow, thabk you for so much help to understand.
My partner is avoident and I am disorganized. He keeps trying to come back to me after we split, usually a mutual split, and he comes back showing me improvements he's made in his life and I take the time to do the same. We come back each time with more understanding but our 'last ditch' effort to build a relationship and we were struggling and we weren't sure why. Now we do because of this video and it may have just put us past an impasse we've been having. It's like a light 💡 went off. Great video!
Amazing information, thank you!
Some of these descriptions are amazing, but in some ways, the lingo makes me bewildered.
Dear Briana; i very much like this cd it triggers my relationship I am in and you are 100percent correct the approach to these type of communication has to be carefully spoken. These type of people instantly put up a wall claiming I am the one wanting to start a fight when in reality i am trying to get my feeling across Explaining something takes to repeat the same at least 2 to 3times I get so frustrated when I take extra time to report something they ask me to do, and when finish explaining they ask the same questions again to work on what they ask already. Anyway, your good advise. helps me understand why they can drive me crazy and make me feel like Iam wasting my time and good will.
I think both me and my boyfriend are spice of lifers! Im more avoidant but still have anxious attachment thoughts and tendencies. He is more anxious but still has avoidant thoughts and actions. As a result I believe we constantly bounce around and never come to any solutions. If we do, somehow, we are both emotionally exhausted and have to settle on anything for us both to feel at peace with each other. We both really want to be together, I have a harder time connecting with him when he seems so sure about me. We both have intense pasts, and or cultural upbringings that have impacted us and has caused so much insecurity. Thank you for clarifying that there is an existing mix of attachment styles, referred to as spice of lifers. Now using your tips and triggers I can introduce some ideas to my boyfriend and we can start to understand why we feel things and what triggers us.