Holy shit. I feel you called me out with all of this. Holy shit. Wow. I’m literally outsourcing my inner authority for risk management onto my partner. Holy shit. Thank you for this.
Great video! This was an eyeopener: "You learned to outsource your sense of safety and regulation to someone else" I just got out of a realionship with an avoidant partner who's processing a trauma from childhood and she fed my anxiety by telling me she was not OK, I wasn't constantly checking on her, she was constantly on a emotional rollercoaster so she could be feeling down during the day and then show up all smiles, drove me mental.
Been there my dude. Rough situation to be in. I hope You're doing better as I'm reading this as this was posted a month ago. I got out of a bad one myself that triggered the hell out of me and now it seems I've found someone more secure so I think there's hope.
@@Sean-nh6cv i have a question if you dont mind. When you say hope, what do you mean exactly? Isn't the goal for men like us to abandon such notions and start getting that validation from within, instead of seeking it from our partners?
@marwanbasil6890 yes they still got alot to learn ha and the solution is never to give up but to learn and if it doesn't work after giving it your all you atleast come out better.
get out of the relationship. after 5 years of being with an avoidant, it did so much damage. heal yourself, become secure, and find yourself a securely attached partner
I have probably listened to this video a dozen times, especially the last part, where there are strategies for dealing with anxious attachment. I am on the autism spectrum (ASD level 1), and I live with anxiety every day as a result of trying to mask in order to blend in with society. My relationships are typically doomed to failure because of my anxious attachment. I’m just now getting over the most recent one, and I am damned and determined not to repeat this cycle. Thank you for this video! I believe it will help me do that.
For someone with an anxious attachment style, being in a relationship with an avoidant partner, especially after the infatuation phase, can be emotionally draining and even traumatizing. It’s much easier for an anxious person to be in a relationship with another anxious partner, and ideally with someone who is secure. An anxious person has a much better chance of becoming secure, whereas avoidants are far less likely to change. It’s just the way things are. If you're anxious and involved with an avoidant, focus on improving yourself. I know your empathy might drive you to sacrifice yourself to help the avoidant, but this will only lead to further emotional exhaustion.
I agree … ish. Thought I was fearful avoidant- turns out I am anxious with high issues in trust and abandonment. He spent overt time with his female bestie, talked about her non stop, k ew where she and her husband were constantly. A lot my fault- I didn’t mention it until it ended- and some his. Thing is, I just don’t want to waste my time, if he is just waiting for her husband who is older and sick, to die. A fact he admitted after we broke up. Still is very painful tho- first love of my life and I’m 50. We are both anxious.
Repairing anxious attachment: 1. Learn self regulation techniques. Breath. 2. Exposure therapy. Lean into anxiety. Build the muscle / tolerance for anxiety. 3. Work on your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Validate and appreciate yourself.❤ What I want to validate myself for... It's important because... How it makes me feel is... I want to acknowledge myself for... 4. Detaching worth and safety from other's validation. Healthy detachment. This gives us room to work on ourself. 5. Listen to this and go through this work with a partner or a friend. 🙏 That was SUPER helpful.
Dr. K, a psychiatrist explained, “Anxiously attached people use other people as forms of emotional regulation. 'How do I evoke the right response from this person so I can feel secure?' 'If I feel bad in here, someone can come and fix it'”. He added, "they are so caught up in their own internal space, that they have difficulty attending to the needs of others”.
@@saqlaq96 It's from Dr. K’s Trauma Guide which you can purchase from his website for 30 USD. He also has educational videos on attachment style and relationships. ruclips.net/video/b_H0V1-kQbE/видео.htmlfeature=shared ruclips.net/video/ja-hlhtRU7Q/видео.htmlfeature=shared
@@saqlaq96 It's from Dr. K's trauma guide. You can purchase them from his website. He also has videos on Anxious attachment style on his RUclips channel, Healthy Gamer.
I saw this when I was single 7 months ago and it helped me a lot to understand my attachment style. Now I'm currently dating and rewatching this has helped me even more to communicate my needs effectively, regulate my nervous system and to detach myself from the silly situations I create in my head. Thanks Connor. Thanks a lot.
@@aldoro6598 I has the most anxiety at the very beginning, and what helped me the most were the breathing exercises explained in this video and meditation (it was easier for me since I’ve meditated every day for the past 2-3 years). But, in my experience, the thing that was the most helpful wad communicating with my partner. Firstly, I put myself in a relaxed state (or at least I tried) and tell in a conscious, non-blaming and healthy way what I was feeling. I never told her: “Hey, you make me feel this way. Instead, I told her: “Hey, this particular situation makes me feel this way, can you help me?” If the answer was no, I immediately would know that woman wasn’t a right fit for me, so I would let her go. Thankfully, my partner has been very supportive and that also helped me to be more secure in my relationship. It really goes both sides. In my opinion you can only be secure if a) you do the inner work to understand/heal/change your past patterns and b) you have the proper healthy environment to be secure. And lastly remember, your insecurites, your anxiety, your thought patterns are not representative of the person you are now, they are just conditioning from the past (by your parents but, if you are a responsible person, don’t waste your time blaming someone else, take accountability and ownership)
I'm a 29 years old guy. My parents were a mess. It was horrible life. Then my father divorced my mother and thrown us outside. No money no salary nothing. I had 5 siblings at that time they were between 8-17 and i was 19 yes old. I had to give up on college and my teenage life and all dreams and work full time and sometimes 2 jobs just to be able to shelter them and feed them. Now i'm 29 all of them are working and in better life and i'm happy for all we went through to be better in this life. But this thing destroyed me from inside. I'm anxious and depressed i don't know how to talk or approach anyone even girls i like and btw i'm very handsome man. And the bigger issue is when i find a girl i destroy things with my anxious attachment issues. I hope one day i will move on from this stage and find my partner. Keep talking about this your videos does help.
All I hear is that it's your fault...there is a very good chance...most people...woman especially..are rude... disinterested.... narcissist...I used to blame a lot on childhood trauma...and being a people pleaser...but listen to me..most .woman. .say 95 percent..unless your in the country...are useless..and even cruel towards men
I'm so sorry that you had such a tough life. You showed yourself amazingly, you can be proud of yourself 👏 I'd love to help you heal your traumas. Would you like to try a therapy session?
You overcame great problems and figured out how to survive and overcome great adversity. Plus, you took on the father role and it made you grow up fast. You can learn how to not be anxiously attached. To every problem there is a solution.
You sound like a great man, you did what you had to do to take care of your siblings. That takes guts and a character, now is the time to process all of that and work through it. You didn’t deserve that but it is your responsibility to take care of you now.
I met my female coworker a year ago. I don't always get anxious or attached to everyone. It's happened twice in my life. I started to like her after some talking and a couple times hanging out. Last few weeks have been hard. But I want to give everyone hope, I've improved and so can you. No wild texts, proper boundaries/behaviors when she doesn't respond as quickly. Learning to separate and acknowledge what I feel for her vs true reality. She may not reciprocate feelings, she herself isn't healed, but it's great because I'm learning how to go super slow despite the anxiety and the crushing intrusive thoughts. I normally would have thought she's my soulmate, now I just think she has to potential to be a special person that I like. We can all do this , just do your best to slow down
I wish I could be like you. I met someone who I loved instantly. We had a month free of bliss and pure joy. Now entering our second month I cannot eat or sleep because I assume she no longer likes me to due changes in her behaviour. She went from I love you to maybe we should take things slow. I don’t know what to do with myself and it hurts so much.
@@zillurziyam9820 I make sure I eat even now when I'm nervous...when I get up to pee and lay there and think of her I fall back asleep...you must live for you and your purpose....the more nutty you get the further you're gonna push her away....focus on any hobby you have, other women, friends, work. You don't wanna lose her and you're gonna if you push too hard
@@zillurziyam9820 and the craziest part of it is I've only had this happen with 2 women in my life, now and my ex who I spent years with. Out of 100s I've met 2! I've had better looking , more successfully, kinder all that. But my point is we can't help who we feel for , but we can control how we behave , don't beat yourself up it's not your fault, go easy with yourself
@@zillurziyam9820same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can tie a woman like that down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or a simpson, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone. I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so dumb reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety. I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my fair share of casual flings and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention. I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early, and started to scare her off. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I. My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love. Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect. Good luck brother 🫡
@@zillurziyam9820same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can a tie someone like her down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or the S word, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone. I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so foolish reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety. I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my very fair share of casual and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention. I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I. My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love. Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect. Good luck brother 🫡
As someone who was raised to be strong and a macho alpha male, seeking help now to finally figure out why Im the anxious one in all relationships. I thought I was just being super romantic and caring, but damn was I wrong! Good stuff here!
Takes guts to admit. I also have believed I have to be strong and do boxing etc. but have only just realised how needy I am in relationships , ridiculous and I feel pathetic.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
I literally sang and danced in a Walmart parking lot to face my fear of judgement and anxiety of being seen and unloved. I was trembling the entire time and closing my eyes was cheating but it definitely helped to not straight up cry in fear
I started out disorganized (BPD mom) and fixed the anxious side by working on myself. Now I'm avoidant as hell. I loved your video on that and I'm working on that next but would love to hear your take on specific challenges for those of us who have both.
I fucking cried watching this. Thank you for uploading this. I want to just let everyone know that we can be more secure people! We can be the man we want to be for ourselves. Dont beat yourself over the past. Lets all grow
This is so spot on on me, it's like you're explaining my upbringing! Im 49 and just learning about this now! This explains so so much about my behaviour!
The helicopter parenting i think nailed it for me. Every other video I've seen really stresses "inconsistency" and I didn't really feel like that resonated with me. This hit home big time. Appreciate your work, thank you.
If you’re like me you had one parent who was volatile, then the other parent did way too much as a way to “fix” things. My dad destroyed my confidence and never spent time with me (without yelling) and my mom tried to do everything for me, I never really grew up. Now I’m 40, divorced and trying to become a confident man. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I have my days where I wanna give up.
@@Scott_Buchanan my father was more absent than volatile, but other than that, same... also 40 and still trying to figure out how to find and sustain a healthy relationship.
So as a woman who is transitioning from anxious attachment to secure (years of work) who came here because I started seeing someone who clearly has anxious attachment, this was by far the most spot on and in depth look at anxious attachment. I wish I had this video years ago!!
I’m 60 and just realized that I am an anxiously attached person. I also just realized that it must’ve developed as a child. In listening to your video, I’m sure that it did develop in childhood because I had a very abusive father not sexually. After my long marriage failed I’ve once again started dating. I have sabotaged each one of those relationships. I have just recently met a new man. I do not want to sabotage this or any other relationship that I may have. At least I’m aware of why I do what I do and I’m glad that this new man hasn’t had the opportunity to see the side of me. I really want to stop this behavior and heal.
I’m 40 and only a few years ago realized that I’m avoidant attachment. My marriage fell apart 4 years ago and I’ve sabotaged several relationships after that. I decided to stop getting into relationships until I fix myself, or I’ve totally given up and I haven’t came to terms with that yet 😂 anywho, you sound like a good person and I hope the best for you ❤️
As a man who is dealing and working on my anxious attachment, i can only write, THANK YOU. This was a very important video that will put me a step forward into my healing process and finding healthier relationships, but most importantly, the relationship with myself.
Today is my Birthday & everything you said in this video has resonated. Thank you for giving me a gift even though we don't know each other. I thank you from my Heart 🧡💛
Thank you Connor for so precisely describing my childhood. 😭 My parents were fighting all the time and as an eldest child, I felt obliged to stop or interfere to their fight to save my family from collapsing. I have an anxious attachment and used to think it's my fault, but I'm learning to prioritize my needs/wants which is a totally new way of life!
You are by far the most helpful, intuitive, and powerful teacher regarding these concepts that I've yet come across. THANK YOU. I cannot praise the centeredness you've brought to this topic enough. 🙌
I've benefitted so much from exploring the attachment model - However, I feel that while it's a good template for potential issues, and I relate to so many of them, it's never going to be the case individuals relate to all of them - I think these things, much like a diagnosis, need to factor in a spectrum of severity, the context of when the behaviours are present on an individual basis, and a lot of nuance.
1) BEING ABLE TO LEARN SELF- REGULATION TECHNIQUES. (Controlling body through breath) 33:35 2) Get Slowly Exposed to what you are afraid of. 40:45 3) Work on self image & self worth - Journaling daily 44:15 Bonus - Take stand, say no often. - Fullfill small promises that you do to yourself (like laundry , gym , cleaning room etc)
Would love another video on downregulating the body and more in depth discussion about developing secure attachment. Fantastic video tho I’ve watched it multiple times
I'm 37 years old and always had the mindset that I'm my own person.. I make my own decisions.. etc. But damn you hit the nail on the head with the dynamics between myself and my parents growing up and reflecting on "who I am" today... I'm having transcending revelations. Damn.
Omg!! My therapist told me I was anxious attachment the other day without going into any detail. So I found myself to this video and wow. You just described my entire life and all of the issues I’ve been dealing with in more clarity than I’ve ever heard or thought possible. So so so many puzzle pieces have just fallen into place. This was absolutely groundbreaking. I thought my situation was so unique and my problems were so confusing. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain was a mess of contradictions. But this is 1000% it.
My mom was all the above examples. Loving to screaming, inconsistency in that love, freaking out about any potential dangers, telling me all details about her sex life and trauma history, exploding into my room whenever she wants at any hour of day or night, waking me up with screams of anger or sobs, hated boundaries (I didn’t even have any until I left for college), guilt tripping, blaming me for her depression and health issues, and is deeply anxious and emotionally dependent on me as her therapist and relationship counselor with my mentally checked-out father. Deep down I know she is so so terribly broken. It’s truly amazing that I have turned out as well as I have, but it explains the hell I’m left to face inside of me. The crazy thing is, I don’t even feel like it was all that bad, but anytime I’ve ever shared details about these challenges of my childhood I’ve gotten deeply concerned looks back. Friends have told me they feel stupid for thinking their childhoods were bad compared to mine. But I still think I had it pretty good, all things considered. Maybe it’s not so black and white. Or maybe the delusion I’ve been living goes deeper than I have realized. All I know is that it’s up to me to correct my thinking and fix my mind. My relationship with God has carried me so much farther than I could have gone on my own. I hope that anyone reading this knows that the love of Christ Jesus is truly all you need when it comes to filling up that pit inside of you. His love is Perfect and unchanging. It’s THE antidote to the hell you’ve gone through in your childhood. Turn to God with humility and openness and you will see what I mean. God bless.
I can’t put into words how much this video explained my entire situation. It’s feels like I’ve been losing myself trying to figure it out and I just happened to randomly stumble across this. Thank you, I genuinely think I can move forward in life after finishing this video🙏🏼
This is my first time running across your page and I'm definitely subscribing. I am not an anxious attachment, but I am a healed fearful avoidant so I understand the anxious part. Fortunately I did the work. The difference with me is while I felt anxious at times, I knew not to display anxious energy around others because those are my feelings and emotions to handle. We need more people like you to help anxious types. There are coaches who spit fire at avoidants and tell anyone anxious there's nothing wrong with them which in turn causes them to take zero accountability. You are very honest and fair and I appreciate it. I hope more people find your channel.
I feel very seen and validated 😂. Thank you for this. Now I can begin to really heal. I'm a female struggling with my self worth. Mom was always there, loving and supportive. Father was absent and a gambler but still the who are you with, where you going, Snooping through stuff. Im married to an avoidant and we have a child. Y'all this really is a struggle with the internal self. I have one journal I just write the same sentences over until I believe them: I am good enough. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I'm okay. Since starting this my doctor says my severe depression is in remission. 😊 Also gratitude journal. Its the little things that make my day. Going back to that one. My coworkers have nicknamed me Sunshine. I think I'm turning this thing around little by little. I wish y'all the best. We are not alone. For the extra hard days just remember, you've survived all your worst days so far.
I swear. I really waterbed a lot of self improvement videos but damn this one is gold pure content that saves life/time/energy. Thanks for this. I’m glad that there are human like you.
Watching this and at 40 minute mark I had an eureka moment. My therapist told me that I had an anxious attachment from when we speak about my relationships with women. I remember I would talk to my mom a lot about these things and my mom would say well why are you anxious attachment? My therapist would mention things about possibly feeling abandoned as a child. My mom would say things like you weren’t abandoned as a child would feel that way. I felt abandoned by a lot of friends and girlfriends as a teenager. I chalked it up to that. Hearing what you just said around the 40 minute mark made me realize that my mom growing up had me rely on her for emotional support and now at age 25 I do the same thing. It all makes sense.
I was a clingy child to my mom more than my other siblings. Any time she could leave, I would wait for her to return even in the dead of the night to sleep. Most of the time, I could accompany her when she takes long journeys to the countryside. The lack of her presence would freak me out.
I'm so glad I found this video. This has something that has affected every one of my close friend relationships all of my life. In this video you have described my entire childhood with 99% accuracy, and you've hit the nail on the head in describing my current relationship.
If you haven't heard today... You are so very loved and you are so very worthy of love. The hardest part is learning to love yourself and to know: it's not all your fault, and to see: that you're beautiful; wonderfully perfectly brilliantly created. You're stronger than most; a true leader/warrior in the making. Keep going and keep thanking. Remember Jesus was an outcast and he suffered more than any human being could ever endure... And the most important message here is to forgive them and to forgive yourself and to love all. Keep walking in truth. One of the great poems of the Zen tradition ends with this description of the awakened state: “To be without suffering over imperfection(s).” AFFIRMATIVE PRAYER: I am one with the Divine. I experience, peace, BLISS, love, and joy: CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY. I experience everything as grace AND AS LOVE. I am at peace. I honor the Divine within me.
I just got done watching [ending avoidant attachment] and I SO appreciate what you poured into it. Invaluable info *for* and for better relating *to* my husband. Just pressed play and looking forward to enlightening both of us about *myself* with this one.
I cannot express how much I appreciate your content. It really opened my eyes for a lot of things that even my therapist could not point out. Thanks man!
Thank you so much for including trauma and abuse as a potential origin. So often information about attachment styles only talks about childhood origins, but I was secure before intimate partner abuse.
I had mild.anxiety as a kid when I got kicked out of school. So I looked back and realized my sibling doesn't have it and I was ok forever otherwise. My intimate partner in my early 20s, my first "love" was extremely damaged and abusive mentally . I never got anxious til I met her, and I haven't for almost 15 years until recently . It's crazy you mention that it's a partner that could spur it on
So helpful. I just got the answer to a problem that has been hindering all my relationships. I’m very thankful for finding this. I’m excited to begin working on the fix. Wow. Excellent.
I’m an anxious female and this was 1000% helpful for me. I’ve been feeling unhealthy detachment lately and journaling was the spark I needed to get back to myself. I would love to watch a video on self regulation techniques if you haven’t already made a video. Please continue to make these videos your channel is very logical and informative. Thanks a bunch.
Wow. I watched "Creating Safety for The Anxious or Avoidant Woman" and took so many notes. And now this one, just resonated so much and in so many levels. Thank you so much, Connor!
Im having a rough day today emotionally. Im really glad you made your channel. This video was very helpful & impactful, thank you! Please keep making videos like this man❤
I am just getting into attachment therapy. Figuring out that im avoiand attached. This video hits the spot. I've been married for almost 20 years. We have been separated over a year and a half now. It's been very difficult to learn regulating myself. I'm glad I found this channel. Thanks for making this video available.
I need to do more of that, I’ve had a good bit of therapy in the last 4 years but I didn’t like writing stuff down. I’ve had a few breakthroughs when I did though.
So helpful, one of the best videos I ever watched on RUclips. I have a real direction now and I will start working on me today. Every sentence opened my eyes a little more. Keep up the good work.
You up with an alcoholic father, depressed mother, who use me as her therapist as a child. I have worked on myself throughout the years for more than 45 years I’ve never gotten to the death of my wounds. So grateful for all the information regarding attachment style available to us now. So excited to feel that I can heal myself and become securely attached. Thank you.❤
I've just been introduced to your channel by a friend and, wow, this is absolutely spot on. I've read a lot about attachment theory and know this is my type, and what makes the difference is your simple, practical steps to tackling it. Thank you!
I am an EXTREMELY anxious attacher. Like, even when a person is present, showing effort, being sweet and kind. I still get so anxious I can’t eat or take care of myself.
I used to be this way. Building my life around being with more people and having a routine helped me. I am still anxious, but I am trying to work through it. Good luck man!
Honestly, it does simply depend a LOTTT on your partner. I used to be incredibly anxious and needy while dating around but once I met my girlfriend who simply feels exactly like me and makes none of her feelings arbitrary, I feel like the most secure person in the world… trust me, sometimes it just takes the right key to get there;)
This might’ve been the best video I’ve watched about the anxious attachment style. A lot of points I didn’t work on and that were rarely mentioned by other content creators.
Connor you have helped me so much. I’m a woman but the way you explain these things is super digestible and has given me actionable steps to help myself with this. I appreciate you
I come from a very abusive background, and lately have been struggling in my marriage of 10 years because of my anxious attachment. i think it's important that you talk about the why's and how's, specifically going into about sharing information. I used to call it "confessing my sins" because i had this almost OCD like need to blurt out everything i was thinking/feeling to my partner and then expecting them to do the same, but that's not how they work. you really helped me understand a lot about myself in such a short amount of time, and i wanted to say thank you for this and thank you for putting it out there. i think this is one of the most valuable pieces of content on this website right now.
I feel like you know me without knowing me. This video shed a light on my past and upbringing. Here’s hoping anyone else in the same situation can heal.
As a woman who listens to the podcast, I love that there is a space like this for men. Connor, you're amazing, so thank you. Tremendous amount of insight in these videos for everyone, both male and female.
wow. to many parts of this video I felt like as if you were rolling a life line of my childhood. brought so much more awareness to my issues, therefore I can heal that child better now. thank you!
Like a dog or other animal picking up on the moods of their owner, and then adopting that mood 😅 What a great video! I really to needed to hear all of this.
Thank you so much for sharing and giving out examples. I am going through a really hard time but feeling better and decided to face my problems after watching this. Appreciate❤
Every minute I could relate and make connections with what I experience(d). Gonna watch it couple of time more to really integrate these thoughts. Thank you so much!
I’m only 22 minutes into this video and I have NEVER in this world had someone describe my childhood so accurately. I want this fixed so bad because this attachment style is driving me crazy.
Damn, dude. I've been reading about anxious attached folks and seeing similarities with myself and my past relationships. I didn't think my parents were like this, but you listed out several things that really resonated with my upbringing. My mind is blown.
Yeah dood. You are doing the right thing, thinking about this in the context of yourself. I was a mostly-secure attachment style into my late 30s (judging my the evaluation exams etc) when I met a chick I dated for more than 5 years. We finally went no contact (one of us was gonna unalive the other, the only tossup was who on which day). I searched the interwebs and spoke with live humans about wtf went wrong, I stumbled over attachment styles and really started digging into them. She was 192% avoidant by any measure. When I did the evals based on different time slices, she was off the charts since month 1 but i became more and more anxious over time. All of my previous relationships (again, doing the evals over snapshots in time)I was "secure attached" but with her as time went on I became anxiously attached. The changes can happen, good and bad. It took me nearly 6 months but I came back to a secure attachment style. I dated a chick last year, realized it wasn't going to work, broke up amicably about 20 minutes later, and are still on speaking terms today. If you think you might be there, it is possible to turn things around. Anxious attachment styles might be from earlier in life, or they can sneak up on us. But we can chanhe them. Good on you for hearing/seeing yourself in some of these discussions. That made a lot of difference for me, and I am happy as a pig in sh*t today 🙂 Good luck to you, brother.
As somebody who has numbed himself from any and all feelings for a long time after my ex and now is trying to relearn these emotions, this is really helpful, especially given that I am an anxious person. I never figured out how to deal with emotions in general and now I really feel as if I want to outsource it to others again or repress them again. I will try to apply all the great insights from this video and see how well it goes. Lets hope for the best!
This video has shown me ways about myself I never realized. It has allowed me to break up with my avoidant ex. I've always been dumped and always morph who I was for someone to be with me. It has allowed me to appreciate and love myself
I related to this video. I grew up with an alcoholic father who I had to parent when I was 7. My parents divorced when I was 8.. all the info in this video really hit home and helped me realize a lot about myself
Great video. On my 3rd time watching. I’m begging you, if you haven’t already, can you please do the separate video you mention at 34:30 on self regulation techniques? Anxious attachment is killing me…..I’m screwing up all my relationships with the women I really care about.
Be masculine. I have learned from this video I basically fall into line with everything he’s told me. But only my the grace of God he’s put me into situations to learn and grow from but most importantly they want to get out of all the conundrum that was being explained…. For me I have to learn to be masculine. I’ve notice for myself is that I feel like a baby or a kid amongst others and I’m 27. Feels sad but I’ve been on this journey of feeling comfortable where I go and I feel confident when I speak n a calm not to deep but deep enough voice a relaxing feeling. Cause my anxious attachment is working 25/7. To be honest I really believe it’s the cure to all of the anxious attachment as a man. I still have to digging to do but I hope I helped you
Been journaling on the topic of how my childhood was unpredictable while having the video playing in the background so I'm gonna have to revisit it at some point but thank you, man ❤
Thank you so much for posting this video, I had some really big realizations throughout it. I wasn’t aware I have a lot of these triggers and traits, thank you for giving me some direction and research material.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
Holy shit. I feel you called me out with all of this. Holy shit. Wow. I’m literally outsourcing my inner authority for risk management onto my partner. Holy shit. Thank you for this.
I had to pause the video and take a second because the realizations that were being placed on me. I had no idea I was like this.
Either it's holy or it's shit.
Right?! And we sell it to ourselves and partners that it’s “communicating” or being a “team player”.
@@paradoxes1272isn’t it wild?! We’re about to change our generational history
@@chriscross4004 😂
Great video! This was an eyeopener: "You learned to outsource your sense of safety and regulation to someone else" I just got out of a realionship with an avoidant partner who's processing a trauma from childhood and she fed my anxiety by telling me she was not OK, I wasn't constantly checking on her, she was constantly on a emotional rollercoaster so she could be feeling down during the day and then show up all smiles, drove me mental.
Been there my dude. Rough situation to be in. I hope You're doing better as I'm reading this as this was posted a month ago. I got out of a bad one myself that triggered the hell out of me and now it seems I've found someone more secure so I think there's hope.
@@Sean-nh6cv i have a question if you dont mind. When you say hope, what do you mean exactly? Isn't the goal for men like us to abandon such notions and start getting that validation from within, instead of seeking it from our partners?
@marwanbasil6890 yes they still got alot to learn ha and the solution is never to give up but to learn and if it doesn't work after giving it your all you atleast come out better.
@PhilipTheHunter Lol, same here.
SHUT THE FUCK UP I JUST COMMENTED THE SAME THING OMG THAT EXACT QUOTE
You don't have enough views and likes.
Having lived with anxious attached persons, this hits very close to home.
Really looking forward to the Avoidant & Anxious relationship dance episode!
get out of the relationship. after 5 years of being with an avoidant, it did so much damage. heal yourself, become secure, and find yourself a securely attached partner
@@catchloe_oh go away weirdo
I have probably listened to this video a dozen times, especially the last part, where there are strategies for dealing with anxious attachment. I am on the autism spectrum (ASD level 1), and I live with anxiety every day as a result of trying to mask in order to blend in with society. My relationships are typically doomed to failure because of my anxious attachment. I’m just now getting over the most recent one, and I am damned and determined not to repeat this cycle. Thank you for this video! I believe it will help me do that.
You can do it dude!
For someone with an anxious attachment style, being in a relationship with an avoidant partner, especially after the infatuation phase, can be emotionally draining and even traumatizing. It’s much easier for an anxious person to be in a relationship with another anxious partner, and ideally with someone who is secure. An anxious person has a much better chance of becoming secure, whereas avoidants are far less likely to change. It’s just the way things are. If you're anxious and involved with an avoidant, focus on improving yourself. I know your empathy might drive you to sacrifice yourself to help the avoidant, but this will only lead to further emotional exhaustion.
I agree … ish. Thought I was fearful avoidant- turns out I am anxious with high issues in trust and abandonment. He spent overt time with his female bestie, talked about her non stop, k ew where she and her husband were constantly.
A lot my fault- I didn’t mention it until it ended- and some his. Thing is, I just don’t want to waste my time, if he is just waiting for her husband who is older and sick, to die. A fact he admitted after we broke up.
Still is very painful tho- first love of my life and I’m 50. We are both anxious.
man u just ruined my day :D
Lol this is crap, they are both equally likely to change
@@thedanielagboolaDo your homework, my friend. He’s dead on correct.
@@thedanielagboolaYes with the right partner and circumstances they can both change
Patience is always a virtue and more so nowadays when external validation via internet/social media exacerbates the internal wound.
Repairing anxious attachment:
1. Learn self regulation techniques. Breath.
2. Exposure therapy. Lean into anxiety. Build the muscle / tolerance for anxiety.
3. Work on your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Validate and appreciate yourself.❤ What I want to validate myself for... It's important because... How it makes me feel is... I want to acknowledge myself for...
4. Detaching worth and safety from other's validation. Healthy detachment. This gives us room to work on ourself.
5. Listen to this and go through this work with a partner or a friend. 🙏
That was SUPER helpful.
Dr. K, a psychiatrist explained, “Anxiously attached people use other people as forms of emotional regulation. 'How do I evoke the right response from this person so I can feel secure?' 'If I feel bad in here, someone can come and fix it'”. He added, "they are so caught up in their own internal space, that they have difficulty attending to the needs of others”.
Do you know the title of that video?
@@saqlaq96 It's from Dr. K’s Trauma Guide which you can purchase from his website for 30 USD. He also has educational videos on attachment style and relationships. ruclips.net/video/b_H0V1-kQbE/видео.htmlfeature=shared
ruclips.net/video/ja-hlhtRU7Q/видео.htmlfeature=shared
Anxious Attached people are very self- focused.Focused only on soothing their own an iety by using others to do so.right on.
@@saqlaq96 It's from Dr. K's trauma guide. You can purchase them from his website. He also has videos on Anxious attachment style on his RUclips channel, Healthy Gamer.
@@terrycraig6386as an anxiously attracted person, I can confirm feeling this way. Needing someone else to slow down my thoughts.
I saw this when I was single 7 months ago and it helped me a lot to understand my attachment style. Now I'm currently dating and rewatching this has helped me even more to communicate my needs effectively, regulate my nervous system and to detach myself from the silly situations I create in my head. Thanks Connor. Thanks a lot.
I’m happy for you. Did you have anxiety and stupid scenarios in your head in the very beginning of the relationship, if so how did you cope with that?
@charlesvela1800
@@aldoro6598 I has the most anxiety at the very beginning, and what helped me the most were the breathing exercises explained in this video and meditation (it was easier for me since I’ve meditated every day for the past 2-3 years).
But, in my experience, the thing that was the most helpful wad communicating with my partner. Firstly, I put myself in a relaxed state (or at least I tried) and tell in a conscious, non-blaming and healthy way what I was feeling. I never told her: “Hey, you make me feel this way. Instead, I told her: “Hey, this particular situation makes me feel this way, can you help me?” If the answer was no, I immediately would know that woman wasn’t a right fit for me, so I would let her go.
Thankfully, my partner has been very supportive and that also helped me to be more secure in my relationship.
It really goes both sides. In my opinion you can only be secure if a) you do the inner work to understand/heal/change your past patterns and b) you have the proper healthy environment to be secure.
And lastly remember, your insecurites, your anxiety, your thought patterns are not representative of the person you are now, they are just conditioning from the past (by your parents but, if you are a responsible person, don’t waste your time blaming someone else, take accountability and ownership)
I'm a 29 years old guy. My parents were a mess. It was horrible life. Then my father divorced my mother and thrown us outside. No money no salary nothing. I had 5 siblings at that time they were between 8-17 and i was 19 yes old. I had to give up on college and my teenage life and all dreams and work full time and sometimes 2 jobs just to be able to shelter them and feed them. Now i'm 29 all of them are working and in better life and i'm happy for all we went through to be better in this life. But this thing destroyed me from inside. I'm anxious and depressed i don't know how to talk or approach anyone even girls i like and btw i'm very handsome man. And the bigger issue is when i find a girl i destroy things with my anxious attachment issues. I hope one day i will move on from this stage and find my partner. Keep talking about this your videos does help.
Gi to therapy my dude you have to start there.
All I hear is that it's your fault...there is a very good chance...most people...woman especially..are rude... disinterested.... narcissist...I used to blame a lot on childhood trauma...and being a people pleaser...but listen to me..most .woman.
.say 95 percent..unless your in the country...are useless..and even cruel towards men
I'm so sorry that you had such a tough life. You showed yourself amazingly, you can be proud of yourself 👏 I'd love to help you heal your traumas. Would you like to try a therapy session?
You overcame great problems and figured out how to survive and overcome great adversity. Plus, you took on the father role and it made you grow up fast. You can learn how to not be anxiously attached. To every problem there is a solution.
You sound like a great man, you did what you had to do to take care of your siblings. That takes guts and a character, now is the time to process all of that and work through it. You didn’t deserve that but it is your responsibility to take care of you now.
I’m a woman and this hit spot on, my mother did 90% of this. And I have anxious attachment.
I met my female coworker a year ago. I don't always get anxious or attached to everyone. It's happened twice in my life. I started to like her after some talking and a couple times hanging out. Last few weeks have been hard. But I want to give everyone hope, I've improved and so can you. No wild texts, proper boundaries/behaviors when she doesn't respond as quickly. Learning to separate and acknowledge what I feel for her vs true reality. She may not reciprocate feelings, she herself isn't healed, but it's great because I'm learning how to go super slow despite the anxiety and the crushing intrusive thoughts. I normally would have thought she's my soulmate, now I just think she has to potential to be a special person that I like. We can all do this , just do your best to slow down
I wish I could be like you. I met someone who I loved instantly. We had a month free of bliss and pure joy. Now entering our second month I cannot eat or sleep because I assume she no longer likes me to due changes in her behaviour. She went from I love you to maybe we should take things slow. I don’t know what to do with myself and it hurts so much.
@@zillurziyam9820 I make sure I eat even now when I'm nervous...when I get up to pee and lay there and think of her I fall back asleep...you must live for you and your purpose....the more nutty you get the further you're gonna push her away....focus on any hobby you have, other women, friends, work. You don't wanna lose her and you're gonna if you push too hard
@@zillurziyam9820 and the craziest part of it is I've only had this happen with 2 women in my life, now and my ex who I spent years with. Out of 100s I've met 2! I've had better looking , more successfully, kinder all that. But my point is we can't help who we feel for , but we can control how we behave , don't beat yourself up it's not your fault, go easy with yourself
@@zillurziyam9820same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can tie a woman like that down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or a simpson, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone.
I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so dumb reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety.
I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my fair share of casual flings and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention.
I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early, and started to scare her off. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I.
My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love.
Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect.
Good luck brother 🫡
@@zillurziyam9820same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can a tie someone like her down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or the S word, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone.
I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so foolish reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety.
I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my very fair share of casual and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention.
I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I.
My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love.
Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect.
Good luck brother 🫡
As someone who was raised to be strong and a macho alpha male, seeking help now to finally figure out why Im the anxious one in all relationships. I thought I was just being super romantic and caring, but damn was I wrong! Good stuff here!
Takes guts to admit. I also have believed I have to be strong and do boxing etc. but have only just realised how needy I am in relationships , ridiculous and I feel pathetic.
I feel the same way man. I thought I was caring, and found out I was just annoying haha
@@beefydeadeyeI feel the same way bud
Feel the same way, especially since I jsut recently got into a long distance relationship, which makes things 10x as hard.
@@Thephysiquemechanicbe careful brother, long distance has its pros, but it has its cons, as im sure you know, just be careful with it.
Therapist in training here 👋🏽. This breakdown is so on point. Thank you for sharing.
Glad it was helpful!
This is the first time I feel a mental health video has truly resonated with me. You have no idea how grateful I am you made this video. Thank you.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
No way, this is an AI generated message! Trying to scam us to this Shelly bish
I literally sang and danced in a Walmart parking lot to face my fear of judgement and anxiety of being seen and unloved. I was trembling the entire time and closing my eyes was cheating but it definitely helped to not straight up cry in fear
Good job bud
Dude I needed this I’m so glad there’s a guy out there doing this from his perspective because for the longest time I thought I was alone
I hope you're feeling better.
Words can not explain how accurate and how helpful this video was. Thank you for giving this to the world 🙏🏽
Thank you. You've added some extra layers to my understanding on this.
Was just exploring attachment styles yesterday, so this is perfect timing. Also just picked up your book via Audible. Great listen so far.
Outstanding, thanks for grabbing a copy and hope it serves you.
I started out disorganized (BPD mom) and fixed the anxious side by working on myself. Now I'm avoidant as hell. I loved your video on that and I'm working on that next but would love to hear your take on specific challenges for those of us who have both.
I fucking cried watching this. Thank you for uploading this. I want to just let everyone know that we can be more secure people! We can be the man we want to be for ourselves. Dont beat yourself over the past. Lets all grow
This is so spot on on me, it's like you're explaining my upbringing! Im 49 and just learning about this now! This explains so so much about my behaviour!
The helicopter parenting i think nailed it for me. Every other video I've seen really stresses "inconsistency" and I didn't really feel like that resonated with me. This hit home big time. Appreciate your work, thank you.
If you’re like me you had one parent who was volatile, then the other parent did way too much as a way to “fix” things. My dad destroyed my confidence and never spent time with me (without yelling) and my mom tried to do everything for me, I never really grew up. Now I’m 40, divorced and trying to become a confident man. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I have my days where I wanna give up.
@@Scott_Buchanan my father was more absent than volatile, but other than that, same... also 40 and still trying to figure out how to find and sustain a healthy relationship.
This is it, this has explained everything about my childhood, HS years, and my young adult life to this point
So as a woman who is transitioning from anxious attachment to secure (years of work) who came here because I started seeing someone who clearly has anxious attachment, this was by far the most spot on and in depth look at anxious attachment. I wish I had this video years ago!!
I’m 60 and just realized that I am an anxiously attached person. I also just realized that it must’ve developed as a child. In listening to your video, I’m sure that it did develop in childhood because I had a very abusive father not sexually. After my long marriage failed I’ve once again started dating. I have sabotaged each one of those relationships. I have just recently met a new man. I do not want to sabotage this or any other relationship that I may have. At least I’m aware of why I do what I do and I’m glad that this new man hasn’t had the opportunity to see the side of me. I really want to stop this behavior and heal.
It’s never to late I’m proud of you and you can do it!! Be honest with yourself and your partner many blessings on your healing journey
I’m 40 and only a few years ago realized that I’m avoidant attachment. My marriage fell apart 4 years ago and I’ve sabotaged several relationships after that. I decided to stop getting into relationships until I fix myself, or I’ve totally given up and I haven’t came to terms with that yet 😂 anywho, you sound like a good person and I hope the best for you ❤️
Bummer
There's not enough gratitude in the world to thank you. So I'll start with one, thanks.
Thanks so much for tuning in and for the gratitude. It's received and appreciated.
As a man who is dealing and working on my anxious attachment, i can only write, THANK YOU. This was a very important video that will put me a step forward into my healing process and finding healthier relationships, but most importantly, the relationship with myself.
This is such a valuable series
Potentially life-changing information! Thank you, thank you. Xx
Thanks for digging in.
Today is my Birthday & everything you said in this video has resonated. Thank you for giving me a gift even though we don't know each other. I thank you from my Heart 🧡💛
Beauty! Thanks for taking the time to watch today
@@ManTalks Pleasure is mine.
Thank you Connor for so precisely describing my childhood. 😭
My parents were fighting all the time and as an eldest child, I felt obliged to stop or interfere to their fight to save my family from collapsing.
I have an anxious attachment and used to think it's my fault, but I'm learning to prioritize my needs/wants which is a totally new way of life!
You are by far the most helpful, intuitive, and powerful teacher regarding these concepts that I've yet come across. THANK YOU.
I cannot praise the centeredness you've brought to this topic enough. 🙌
I've benefitted so much from exploring the attachment model - However, I feel that while it's a good template for potential issues, and I relate to so many of them, it's never going to be the case individuals relate to all of them - I think these things, much like a diagnosis, need to factor in a spectrum of severity, the context of when the behaviours are present on an individual basis, and a lot of nuance.
I wasn't planning on crying and healing tonight. Things make sense for sure
1) BEING ABLE TO LEARN SELF- REGULATION
TECHNIQUES. (Controlling body through breath) 33:35
2) Get Slowly Exposed to what you are afraid of. 40:45
3) Work on self image & self worth
- Journaling daily 44:15
Bonus
- Take stand, say no often.
- Fullfill small promises that you do to yourself (like laundry , gym , cleaning room etc)
Man!!! Thank you for this content. I just recently heard about healthy/unhealthy attachment styles and this stuff here is so encouraging.
Would love another video on downregulating the body and more in depth discussion about developing secure attachment. Fantastic video tho I’ve watched it multiple times
i know this is a man’s guide but boy this helped me out a lot. a real eye opener thank you
I'm 37 years old and always had the mindset that I'm my own person.. I make my own decisions.. etc. But damn you hit the nail on the head with the dynamics between myself and my parents growing up and reflecting on "who I am" today... I'm having transcending revelations. Damn.
I was eating this information whole. You can’t imagine how much I needed to hear all that! Thank you for that lecture. That’s a huge insight for me
Omg!! My therapist told me I was anxious attachment the other day without going into any detail. So I found myself to this video and wow. You just described my entire life and all of the issues I’ve been dealing with in more clarity than I’ve ever heard or thought possible. So so so many puzzle pieces have just fallen into place. This was absolutely groundbreaking. I thought my situation was so unique and my problems were so confusing. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain was a mess of contradictions. But this is 1000% it.
My mom was all the above examples. Loving to screaming, inconsistency in that love, freaking out about any potential dangers, telling me all details about her sex life and trauma history, exploding into my room whenever she wants at any hour of day or night, waking me up with screams of anger or sobs, hated boundaries (I didn’t even have any until I left for college), guilt tripping, blaming me for her depression and health issues, and is deeply anxious and emotionally dependent on me as her therapist and relationship counselor with my mentally checked-out father.
Deep down I know she is so so terribly broken. It’s truly amazing that I have turned out as well as I have, but it explains the hell I’m left to face inside of me.
The crazy thing is, I don’t even feel like it was all that bad, but anytime I’ve ever shared details about these challenges of my childhood I’ve gotten deeply concerned looks back. Friends have told me they feel stupid for thinking their childhoods were bad compared to mine. But I still think I had it pretty good, all things considered.
Maybe it’s not so black and white. Or maybe the delusion I’ve been living goes deeper than I have realized. All I know is that it’s up to me to correct my thinking and fix my mind. My relationship with God has carried me so much farther than I could have gone on my own. I hope that anyone reading this knows that the love of Christ Jesus is truly all you need when it comes to filling up that pit inside of you. His love is Perfect and unchanging. It’s THE antidote to the hell you’ve gone through in your childhood. Turn to God with humility and openness and you will see what I mean.
God bless.
This sounds like my mom, to a tee. You are not alone.
I can’t put into words how much this video explained my entire situation. It’s feels like I’ve been losing myself trying to figure it out and I just happened to randomly stumble across this. Thank you, I genuinely think I can move forward in life after finishing this video🙏🏼
This is my first time running across your page and I'm definitely subscribing. I am not an anxious attachment, but I am a healed fearful avoidant so I understand the anxious part. Fortunately I did the work. The difference with me is while I felt anxious at times, I knew not to display anxious energy around others because those are my feelings and emotions to handle.
We need more people like you to help anxious types. There are coaches who spit fire at avoidants and tell anyone anxious there's nothing wrong with them which in turn causes them to take zero accountability. You are very honest and fair and I appreciate it. I hope more people find your channel.
I agree. I think those coaches and "self-styled experts on attachment style" are most likely anxious themselves ...
I feel very seen and validated 😂. Thank you for this. Now I can begin to really heal. I'm a female struggling with my self worth. Mom was always there, loving and supportive. Father was absent and a gambler but still the who are you with, where you going, Snooping through stuff. Im married to an avoidant and we have a child.
Y'all this really is a struggle with the internal self. I have one journal I just write the same sentences over until I believe them: I am good enough. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I'm okay. Since starting this my doctor says my severe depression is in remission. 😊
Also gratitude journal. Its the little things that make my day. Going back to that one.
My coworkers have nicknamed me Sunshine. I think I'm turning this thing around little by little.
I wish y'all the best. We are not alone. For the extra hard days just remember, you've survived all your worst days so far.
I swear. I really waterbed a lot of self improvement videos but damn this one is gold pure content that saves life/time/energy. Thanks for this. I’m glad that there are human like you.
This is one of the best RUclips videos I’ve ever seen. Bravo
Thank you so much!! This gave me so much understanding and hope 💯
Watching this and at 40 minute mark I had an eureka moment. My therapist told me that I had an anxious attachment from when we speak about my relationships with women. I remember I would talk to my mom a lot about these things and my mom would say well why are you anxious attachment? My therapist would mention things about possibly feeling abandoned as a child. My mom would say things like you weren’t abandoned as a child would feel that way. I felt abandoned by a lot of friends and girlfriends as a teenager. I chalked it up to that. Hearing what you just said around the 40 minute mark made me realize that my mom growing up had me rely on her for emotional support and now at age 25 I do the same thing. It all makes sense.
I was a clingy child to my mom more than my other siblings. Any time she could leave, I would wait for her to return even in the dead of the night to sleep. Most of the time, I could accompany her when she takes long journeys to the countryside. The lack of her presence would freak me out.
I'm so glad I found this video. This has something that has affected every one of my close friend relationships all of my life. In this video you have described my entire childhood with 99% accuracy, and you've hit the nail on the head in describing my current relationship.
If you haven't heard today...
You are so very loved
and you are so very worthy
of love.
The hardest part
is learning to love yourself
and to know: it's not all your fault,
and to see: that you're beautiful;
wonderfully perfectly
brilliantly created.
You're stronger than most;
a true leader/warrior in the making.
Keep going
and keep thanking.
Remember Jesus was an outcast
and he suffered more
than any human being
could ever endure...
And the most important message here is to forgive them
and to forgive yourself
and to love all.
Keep walking in truth.
One of the great poems of the Zen tradition
ends with this description of the awakened state:
“To be without suffering over imperfection(s).”
AFFIRMATIVE PRAYER:
I am one with the Divine.
I experience, peace, BLISS, love, and joy:
CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY.
I experience everything as grace AND AS LOVE.
I am at peace. I honor the Divine within me.
thx you so mutch!
Thank you brother, I hope that everything is going well!
Great video Connor! Thank you for the detailed and clear explanation. I feel I got more out of this video than I have out of 3 months of therapy.
Outstanding! Love hearing that. Thanks for watching
That was concise and helpful
I just got done watching [ending avoidant attachment] and I SO appreciate what you poured into it. Invaluable info *for* and for better relating *to* my husband.
Just pressed play and looking forward to enlightening both of us about *myself* with this one.
I cannot express how much I appreciate your content. It really opened my eyes for a lot of things that even my therapist could not point out. Thanks man!
Thank you so much for including trauma and abuse as a potential origin. So often information about attachment styles only talks about childhood origins, but I was secure before intimate partner abuse.
I had mild.anxiety as a kid when I got kicked out of school. So I looked back and realized my sibling doesn't have it and I was ok forever otherwise. My intimate partner in my early 20s, my first "love" was extremely damaged and abusive mentally . I never got anxious til I met her, and I haven't for almost 15 years until recently . It's crazy you mention that it's a partner that could spur it on
So helpful. I just got the answer to a problem that has been hindering all my relationships. I’m very thankful for finding this. I’m excited to begin working on the fix. Wow. Excellent.
Thank you! I had no idea how anxious i was and how much it affected my partner. Everything you said was correct.
I’m an anxious female and this was 1000% helpful for me. I’ve been feeling unhealthy detachment lately and journaling was the spark I needed to get back to myself. I would love to watch a video on self regulation techniques if you haven’t already made a video. Please continue to make these videos your channel is very logical and informative. Thanks a bunch.
Just sending some love and gratitude to you for all your great content! I will watch this now and start working with myself 🙏☀️
Wow. I watched "Creating Safety for The Anxious or Avoidant Woman" and took so many notes. And now this one, just resonated so much and in so many levels. Thank you so much, Connor!
Im having a rough day today emotionally. Im really glad you made your channel. This video was very helpful & impactful, thank you! Please keep making videos like this man❤
I am just getting into attachment therapy. Figuring out that im avoiand attached. This video hits the spot. I've been married for almost 20 years. We have been separated over a year and a half now. It's been very difficult to learn regulating myself. I'm glad I found this channel.
Thanks for making this video available.
I needed this video for my mental health
I journaled about my childhood earlier and broke down crying. It felt good. Thank you for this healing video and suggestions. ❤
I need to do more of that, I’ve had a good bit of therapy in the last 4 years but I didn’t like writing stuff down. I’ve had a few breakthroughs when I did though.
So helpful, one of the best videos I ever watched on RUclips. I have a real direction now and I will start working on me today. Every sentence opened my eyes a little more. Keep up the good work.
You up with an alcoholic father, depressed mother, who use me as her therapist as a child. I have worked on myself throughout the years for more than 45 years I’ve never gotten to the death of my wounds. So grateful for all the information regarding attachment style available to us now. So excited to feel that I can heal myself and become securely attached. Thank you.❤
I've just been introduced to your channel by a friend and, wow, this is absolutely spot on. I've read a lot about attachment theory and know this is my type, and what makes the difference is your simple, practical steps to tackling it. Thank you!
If you are on the journey into Self, then this piece is pivotal to understanding. Thank you for posting❤
ty for this. I feel like you know me better than i know myself. You are describing my childhood.
This video made me realize a lot about myself. Thank you for this 100/10 video.
I am an EXTREMELY anxious attacher. Like, even when a person is present, showing effort, being sweet and kind. I still get so anxious I can’t eat or take care of myself.
I used to be this way. Building my life around being with more people and having a routine helped me. I am still anxious, but I am trying to work through it. Good luck man!
@@SuperSeeck thank you. Can I ask, what is your routine?
Honestly, it does simply depend a LOTTT on your partner. I used to be incredibly anxious and needy while dating around but once I met my girlfriend who simply feels exactly like me and makes none of her feelings arbitrary, I feel like the most secure person in the world… trust me, sometimes it just takes the right key to get there;)
This might’ve been the best video I’ve watched about the anxious attachment style. A lot of points I didn’t work on and that were rarely mentioned by other content creators.
Connor you have helped me so much. I’m a woman but the way you explain these things is super digestible and has given me actionable steps to help myself with this. I appreciate you
I feel the exact same way! I’m so appreciative of this channel 🙏🏽
I agree
I felt so better and capable after watching this
I come from a very abusive background, and lately have been struggling in my marriage of 10 years because of my anxious attachment. i think it's important that you talk about the why's and how's, specifically going into about sharing information. I used to call it "confessing my sins" because i had this almost OCD like need to blurt out everything i was thinking/feeling to my partner and then expecting them to do the same, but that's not how they work. you really helped me understand a lot about myself in such a short amount of time, and i wanted to say thank you for this and thank you for putting it out there. i think this is one of the most valuable pieces of content on this website right now.
Thanks!
I feel like you know me without knowing me. This video shed a light on my past and upbringing. Here’s hoping anyone else in the same situation can heal.
As a woman who listens to the podcast, I love that there is a space like this for men. Connor, you're amazing, so thank you. Tremendous amount of insight in these videos for everyone, both male and female.
wow. to many parts of this video I felt like as if you were rolling a life line of my childhood. brought so much more awareness to my issues, therefore I can heal that child better now. thank you!
Like a dog or other animal picking up on the moods of their owner, and then adopting that mood 😅
What a great video! I really to needed to hear all of this.
Thank you so much for sharing and giving out examples. I am going through a really hard time but feeling better and decided to face my problems after watching this. Appreciate❤
This might be the best descriptions of anxious attachment I've heard. It makes more sense to me that any other video I've found on YT.
Every minute I could relate and make connections with what I experience(d). Gonna watch it couple of time more to really integrate these thoughts.
Thank you so much!
I’m only 22 minutes into this video and I have NEVER in this world had someone describe my childhood so accurately. I want this fixed so bad because this attachment style is driving me crazy.
Wow.... The best video on the topic and I've watched tons of them. Thank you brother!
Damn, dude. I've been reading about anxious attached folks and seeing similarities with myself and my past relationships. I didn't think my parents were like this, but you listed out several things that really resonated with my upbringing. My mind is blown.
Yeah dood. You are doing the right thing, thinking about this in the context of yourself.
I was a mostly-secure attachment style into my late 30s (judging my the evaluation exams etc) when I met a chick I dated for more than 5 years. We finally went no contact (one of us was gonna unalive the other, the only tossup was who on which day). I searched the interwebs and spoke with live humans about wtf went wrong, I stumbled over attachment styles and really started digging into them. She was 192% avoidant by any measure. When I did the evals based on different time slices, she was off the charts since month 1 but i became more and more anxious over time. All of my previous relationships (again, doing the evals over snapshots in time)I was "secure attached" but with her as time went on I became anxiously attached.
The changes can happen, good and bad.
It took me nearly 6 months but I came back to a secure attachment style. I dated a chick last year, realized it wasn't going to work, broke up amicably about 20 minutes later, and are still on speaking terms today. If you think you might be there, it is possible to turn things around.
Anxious attachment styles might be from earlier in life, or they can sneak up on us. But we can chanhe them. Good on you for hearing/seeing yourself in some of these discussions. That made a lot of difference for me, and I am happy as a pig in sh*t today 🙂 Good luck to you, brother.
As somebody who has numbed himself from any and all feelings for a long time after my ex and now is trying to relearn these emotions, this is really helpful, especially given that I am an anxious person. I never figured out how to deal with emotions in general and now I really feel as if I want to outsource it to others again or repress them again. I will try to apply all the great insights from this video and see how well it goes. Lets hope for the best!
This video has shown me ways about myself I never realized. It has allowed me to break up with my avoidant ex. I've always been dumped and always morph who I was for someone to be with me. It has allowed me to appreciate and love myself
I related to this video. I grew up with an alcoholic father who I had to parent when I was 7. My parents divorced when I was 8.. all the info in this video really hit home and helped me realize a lot about myself
Great video. On my 3rd time watching. I’m begging you, if you haven’t already, can you please do the separate video you mention at 34:30 on self regulation techniques? Anxious attachment is killing me…..I’m screwing up all my relationships with the women I really care about.
Hey! Thanks for the reminder. Ok, just added it and will tackle soon. Appreciate you.
Be masculine. I have learned from this video I basically fall into line with everything he’s told me. But only my the grace of God he’s put me into situations to learn and grow from but most importantly they want to get out of all the conundrum that was being explained…. For me I have to learn to be masculine. I’ve notice for myself is that I feel like a baby or a kid amongst others and I’m 27. Feels sad but I’ve been on this journey of feeling comfortable where I go and I feel confident when I speak n a calm not to deep but deep enough voice a relaxing feeling. Cause my anxious attachment is working 25/7. To be honest I really believe it’s the cure to all of the anxious attachment as a man. I still have to digging to do but I hope I helped you
@@ThatMexicanGuyLouisthanks and I wish you all the best.
You speak so well, it’s really easy to follow & listen to you. Also greatly appreciate this information 🙏
Been journaling on the topic of how my childhood was unpredictable while having the video playing in the background so I'm gonna have to revisit it at some point but thank you, man ❤
So glad I found a man’s view of this topic. Thank you!
Impeccable guide with so many great insights. Thank you for this
Thank you so much for posting this video, I had some really big realizations throughout it. I wasn’t aware I have a lot of these triggers and traits, thank you for giving me some direction and research material.