A Man's Guide To: Anxious Attachment
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- Опубликовано: 20 июн 2024
- Talking points: anxiety, parents, relationships, attachment
Thanks to everyone who's written in on these guides, I love hearing from you. Next up? Anxious attachment. What is it, where does it come from, and what you can do to work yourself-and your relationships-away from it. If you've ever found yourself doing stuff like getting anxious because they didn't text you back or because you don't know their phone password, this might be the ep for you.
Curious about other guides? Check out my free PDF, A Man's Guide To Ending Codependency: training.mantalks.com/codepen...
(00:01:01) - The core essence of anxious attachment
(00:05:52) - Some differences between secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment
(00:08:41) - Causes of anxious attachment; number one, inconsistent parental responses
(00:13:26) - Ask yourself: how was my upbringing unpredictable, or where were my parents unpredictable?
(00:15:39) - Cause number two: overly intrusive caretakers
(00:22:17) - Cause number three: emotional dependence encouraged by caregivers
(00:25:50) - Next is parental unavailability or rejection
(00:28:37) - Lastly, abuse, trauma, or PTSD
(00:29:41) - So what do we do?
(00:33:27) - The biggest, most important piece: learn how to self-regulate. Here’s how
(00:40:43) - Solution number two: exposure therapy
(00:43:13) - Solution number three: work on your self-esteem and self-worth
(00:45:19) - Detach your worth from others’ validation
***
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If you haven't heard today...
You are so very loved
and you are so very worthy
of love.
The hardest part
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wonderfully perfectly
brilliantly created.
You're stronger than most;
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Keep going
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Remember Jesus was an outcast
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And the most important message here is to forgive them
and to forgive yourself
and to love all.
Keep walking in truth.
One of the great poems of the Zen tradition
ends with this description of the awakened state:
“To be without suffering over imperfection(s).”
AFFIRMATIVE PRAYER:
I am one with the Divine.
I experience, peace, BLISS, love, and joy:
CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY.
I experience everything as grace AND AS LOVE.
I am at peace. I honor the Divine within me.
Holy shit. I feel you called me out with all of this. Holy shit. Wow. I’m literally outsourcing my inner authority for risk management onto my partner. Holy shit. Thank you for this.
I had to pause the video and take a second because the realizations that were being placed on me. I had no idea I was like this.
I'm a 29 years old guy. My parents were a mess. It was horrible life. Then my father divorced my mother and thrown us outside. No money no salary nothing. I had 5 siblings at that time they were between 8-17 and i was 19 yes old. I had to give up on college and my teenage life and all dreams and work full time and sometimes 2 jobs just to be able to shelter them and feed them. Now i'm 29 all of them are working and in better life and i'm happy for all we went through to be better in this life. But this thing destroyed me from inside. I'm anxious and depressed i don't know how to talk or approach anyone even girls i like and btw i'm very handsome man. And the bigger issue is when i find a girl i destroy things with my anxious attachment issues. I hope one day i will move on from this stage and find my partner. Keep talking about this your videos does help.
Great video! This was an eyeopener: "You learned to outsource your sense of safety and regulation to someone else" I just got out of a realionship with an avoidant partner who's processing a trauma from childhood and she fed my anxiety by telling me she was not OK, I wasn't constantly checking on her, she was constantly on a emotional rollercoaster so she could be feeling down during the day and then show up all smiles, drove me mental.
Been there my dude. Rough situation to be in. I hope You're doing better as I'm reading this as this was posted a month ago. I got out of a bad one myself that triggered the hell out of me and now it seems I've found someone more secure so I think there's hope.
@@Sean-nh6cv i have a question if you dont mind. When you say hope, what do you mean exactly? Isn't the goal for men like us to abandon such notions and start getting that validation from within, instead of seeking it from our partners?
I’m 60 and just realized that I am an anxiously attached person. I also just realized that it must’ve developed as a child. In listening to your video, I’m sure that it did develop in childhood because I had a very abusive father not sexually. After my long marriage failed I’ve once again started dating. I have sabotaged each one of those relationships. I have just recently met a new man. I do not want to sabotage this or any other relationship that I may have. At least I’m aware of why I do what I do and I’m glad that this new man hasn’t had the opportunity to see the side of me. I really want to stop this behavior and heal.
It’s never to late I’m proud of you and you can do it!! Be honest with yourself and your partner many blessings on your healing journey
MY SOUL SILENTLY WAILS
The more of your comments I see, the more I empathize with you. My brother. May you seek mercy in Christ
I met my female coworker a year ago. I don't always get anxious or attached to everyone. It's happened twice in my life. I started to like her after some talking and a couple times hanging out. Last few weeks have been hard. But I want to give everyone hope, I've improved and so can you. No wild texts, proper boundaries/behaviors when she doesn't respond as quickly. Learning to separate and acknowledge what I feel for her vs true reality. She may not reciprocate feelings, she herself isn't healed, but it's great because I'm learning how to go super slow despite the anxiety and the crushing intrusive thoughts. I normally would have thought she's my soulmate, now I just think she has to potential to be a special person that I like. We can all do this , just do your best to slow down
I wish I could be like you. I met someone who I loved instantly. We had a month free of bliss and pure joy. Now entering our second month I cannot eat or sleep because I assume she no longer likes me to due changes in her behaviour. She went from I love you to maybe we should take things slow. I don’t know what to do with myself and it hurts so much.
@@zillurziyam9820 I make sure I eat even now when I'm nervous...when I get up to pee and lay there and think of her I fall back asleep...you must live for you and your purpose....the more nutty you get the further you're gonna push her away....focus on any hobby you have, other women, friends, work. You don't wanna lose her and you're gonna if you push too hard
@@zillurziyam9820 and the craziest part of it is I've only had this happen with 2 women in my life, now and my ex who I spent years with. Out of 100s I've met 2! I've had better looking , more successfully, kinder all that. But my point is we can't help who we feel for , but we can control how we behave , don't beat yourself up it's not your fault, go easy with yourself
@@zillurziyam9820same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can tie a woman like that down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or a simpson, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone.
I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so dumb reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety.
I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my fair share of casual flings and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention.
I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early, and started to scare her off. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I.
My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love.
Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect.
Good luck brother 🫡
@@zillurziyam9820same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can a tie someone like her down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or the S word, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone.
I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so foolish reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety.
I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my very fair share of casual and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention.
I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I.
My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love.
Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect.
Good luck brother 🫡
I have probably listened to this video a dozen times, especially the last part, where there are strategies for dealing with anxious attachment. I am on the autism spectrum (ASD level 1), and I live with anxiety every day as a result of trying to mask in order to blend in with society. My relationships are typically doomed to failure because of my anxious attachment. I’m just now getting over the most recent one, and I am damned and determined not to repeat this cycle. Thank you for this video! I believe it will help me do that.
You don't have enough views and likes.
Having lived with anxious attached persons, this hits very close to home.
Patience is always a virtue and more so nowadays when external validation via internet/social media exacerbates the internal wound.
Dude I needed this I’m so glad there’s a guy out there doing this from his perspective because for the longest time I thought I was alone
Dr. K, a psychiatrist explained, “Anxiously attached people use other people as forms of emotional regulation. 'How do I evoke the right response from this person so I can feel secure?' 'If I feel bad in here, someone can come and fix it'”. He added, "they are so caught up in their own internal space, that they have difficulty attending to the needs of others”.
This might’ve been the best video I’ve watched about the anxious attachment style. A lot of points I didn’t work on and that were rarely mentioned by other content creators.
The helicopter parenting i think nailed it for me. Every other video I've seen really stresses "inconsistency" and I didn't really feel like that resonated with me. This hit home big time. Appreciate your work, thank you.
Really looking forward to the Avoidant & Anxious relationship dance episode!
Omg!! My therapist told me I was anxious attachment the other day without going into any detail. So I found myself to this video and wow. You just described my entire life and all of the issues I’ve been dealing with in more clarity than I’ve ever heard or thought possible. So so so many puzzle pieces have just fallen into place. This was absolutely groundbreaking. I thought my situation was so unique and my problems were so confusing. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain was a mess of contradictions. But this is 1000% it.
Would love another video on downregulating the body and more in depth discussion about developing secure attachment. Fantastic video tho I’ve watched it multiple times
This is an excellent video. I have no doubt that I suffer from anxious attachment but the rationalisation of ‘it comes from lack of attention and love from parents’ has never rang true for me. I had and have very loving parents but you hit the nail on the head here in the inconsistency of parenting, the unpredictability of emotions, the intrusiveness and having to take on a role a child should ideally not. That was often my experience.
I started out disorganized (BPD mom) and fixed the anxious side by working on myself. Now I'm avoidant as hell. I loved your video on that and I'm working on that next but would love to hear your take on specific challenges for those of us who have both.
This is my first time running across your page and I'm definitely subscribing. I am not an anxious attachment, but I am a healed fearful avoidant so I understand the anxious part. Fortunately I did the work. The difference with me is while I felt anxious at times, I knew not to display anxious energy around others because those are my feelings and emotions to handle.
We need more people like you to help anxious types. There are coaches who spit fire at avoidants and tell anyone anxious there's nothing wrong with them which in turn causes them to take zero accountability. You are very honest and fair and I appreciate it. I hope more people find your channel.
I agree. I think those coaches and "self-styled experts on attachment style" are most likely anxious themselves ...
Thank you so much for including trauma and abuse as a potential origin. So often information about attachment styles only talks about childhood origins, but I was secure before intimate partner abuse.
I had mild.anxiety as a kid when I got kicked out of school. So I looked back and realized my sibling doesn't have it and I was ok forever otherwise. My intimate partner in my early 20s, my first "love" was extremely damaged and abusive mentally . I never got anxious til I met her, and I haven't for almost 15 years until recently . It's crazy you mention that it's a partner that could spur it on
This might be the best descriptions of anxious attachment I've heard. It makes more sense to me that any other video I've found on YT.
This video is literately me.
43:23 light orb behind your head! The angels approve of this message
"I'm going to make him feel like he wants to save me," said a friend of mine with an anxious attachment style. When she engaged in physically risky behavior, injured herself, and was hospitalized, she blamed her date who accompanied her to the hospital for not warning her not to engage in such behavior, adding that her lover would have advised her not to. As a young child, she said her mother told her about her father's infidelity (oversharing) and warned her not to trust men because they all cheat.
Thank you so much, Connor.
Thanks!!! I can wait to see the video
Thank you Connor. Thank you.
Brilliant
This is SOO GOOD!❤
Thank you.
That was concise and helpful
As a woman who listens to the podcast, I love that there is a space like this for men. Connor, you're amazing, so thank you. Tremendous amount of insight in these videos for everyone, both male and female.
Fantastic and very practical information!
Amazing video, thank you so much!!! 🙌
This is such a valuable series
So well explained and incisive. Thanks
Thank you so much!! This gave me so much understanding and hope 💯
Thank you
Holy shit this is me, after being avoidant and finding a healthy person!!!
Thank you. You've added some extra layers to my understanding on this.
Wow amazing information. Thank you.
This video was really helpful thank you 🫡
Thanks bro. You have really helped me realising what was up with myself. What's remaining is to apply the tips you have explained, thanks once again. 🎉❤
Man!!! Thank you for this content. I just recently heard about healthy/unhealthy attachment styles and this stuff here is so encouraging.
I just got done watching [ending avoidant attachment] and I SO appreciate what you poured into it. Invaluable info *for* and for better relating *to* my husband.
Just pressed play and looking forward to enlightening both of us about *myself* with this one.
This is the best teaching I have heard about anxious attachment, thanks
I swear. I really waterbed a lot of self improvement videos but damn this one is gold pure content that saves life/time/energy. Thanks for this. I’m glad that there are human like you.
This video blew my mind 🤯. Thank you for breaking down the topic in a way that was engaging and easy to digest. I'm realizing the inner work I have to do as an "Anxious Attachment ". This video helped put me in the right direction on how to begin to move forward. ❤
your videos have been so helpful thank you thank you thank you!
This is was 40mins therapy session.. wonderful 😊👍
Please - more downregulating techniques. I only am anxious re: my DA girlfriend of 2 years. I need to reclaim my mind and body - my mind goes CRAZY analyzing her endless moods, pull aways, gaslighting, flaw finding. I've gone no-contact for the last ten-12 days. I don't feel we should talk unless we: have a therapist - or we get some COACHING about communicating.
if you were secure before her i don’t you would have gotten to this point
You need to leave her. She is manipulating you.
That was the most informative video I’ve ever watched nothing but solid and honest advice thank you for sharing this video with us
Potentially life-changing information! Thank you, thank you. Xx
Thanks for digging in.
This is helping me understand myself so well right now. Thank you man im about to subscribe to you bro thank you so much for giving such valuable information.
This is mind blowing. Your videos have helped me understand why I act the way I do.
Fantastic!! You touched on so many things that will help me in my personal relationships specifically with my partner. Great job!!
I wish I had watched this before reaching 26 yo. Very informative and clearly explained. Respect !
Was just exploring attachment styles yesterday, so this is perfect timing. Also just picked up your book via Audible. Great listen so far.
Outstanding, thanks for grabbing a copy and hope it serves you.
Great video Connor! Thank you for the detailed and clear explanation. I feel I got more out of this video than I have out of 3 months of therapy.
Outstanding! Love hearing that. Thanks for watching
Connor you have helped me so much. I’m a woman but the way you explain these things is super digestible and has given me actionable steps to help myself with this. I appreciate you
I feel the exact same way! I’m so appreciative of this channel 🙏🏽
I agree
Today is my Birthday & everything you said in this video has resonated. Thank you for giving me a gift even though we don't know each other. I thank you from my Heart 🧡💛
Beauty! Thanks for taking the time to watch today
@@ManTalks Pleasure is mine.
Thank you for this video, I am trying to figure out how to let down a Stage 5 Clinger and get him out of my life 😭 this was good to help me know how he's processing things though so I can let him down gently.
I’m independent when in the relationship, secure, never jealous. When it ends it’s always with super intense heartbreak that lasts for months…one breakup took me years to get over. I’m good-looking, smart, funny, I know my worth so there’s no reason for me to be this sad. I just broke up with a woman I suspect had BPD after 2 yrs, i loved her but couldn’t deal with the constant drama in her life, i knew it was toxic…and I still freaking have a broken heart for a month…doesn’t help she found a new dude 2 weeks after the breakup but..yeah I was 80% sure of my decision and it hurts but it shines a light on how irrational my heartaches are which is why I’m here lol
Maybe she was a fearful avoidant? That attachment style has a lot of highs and lows. You probably hurt so much because you were trauma bonded. It can get addicting to be with someone who makes you feel great one minute and then everything is falling apart the next. You crave the good parts.
@@SunshineAndSnowflakes no she’s bpd she has like 7 out of 9 traits and she was the same way with me than with her 15 yrs old daughter.
Outsourced safety and self regulation to smn else
I am ok if you are ok, i am not ok when you are ok
-impossible situations - could not deescalate parental fight, no approval, no love, no psychological safety, being the wrong one in family, walking on eggshell
-i have to make sure that all outside is ok, so i am ok
-secure ask for support and anxious ask for validation
-more internalise (avoidant), vs anxious who is hypervigiliant to external world - constant focus on external world
- consequence - blanket around partner to prevent being avoided by partner
23:09 codependence - you need me, otherwise you will not survive; becoming clingy; asking for partner to save you as world is catastrophic
26:00 rejections, absence unaivailable caregiver - always feel as second, as smn is above them - shame as consequnence; what to do to get healtjy attachment; not showing up; neglecting
30:30 i need you to be ok, i dont need you - anxious vs avoidant; anxious are so hypervigilant, exausting
32:00 - avoidant - how to trust you vs anx - need to repair trust in self, to make good decisions choices, to produce safety in self
Make security in selffff
33:30 how - regulate self! Even if smth.is wrong, should i turn on fire alarm; anx turned alarm in chilhood when no fire; breath to lower cortisol; 2- huge energy in body (discipline of energy; attention energy in head and nack and chest) - 4:4:4:4 or 39:20
So regulate body and mind
41:27 lean to exposure therapy - move toward thing that make you anxious
- C - self esteem and self worth and self safety must be internalised - i am valyable, i am worth, i am accepting; journalusing - why is important to value self and why i am greatefull - writte both and say if you really feel it or not
45:37 D - create separation from partner or create healthy place to disconnect from needeness to check others; the goal is to have room for self regulation and self accepting
Every help video on this topic suggests a challenging childhood of some sorts. I had a fantastic childhood but still struggle. Lots of wasted time listening to this videos searching for any ounce of relatability lol.
Sometimes the mind hides stuff to not hurt itself. These moments can come out when you meditate and you "unlock" something
@@azoz158 I agree. There was stored trauma I had locked up in the back of my head for years. It doesn't even have to be super traumatic. It can be as simple as going to daycare or elementary school as a little one and feeling abandoned. You didn't know you felt that way, but can't really explain the tears or uncomfortable feeling when you were separated from your parents. There are so many micro-incidents that happen throughout life that we never thought much of until doing the work on ourselves and then it's like a million epiphanies happen simultaneously or even at different times.
when i am under stress and need some self control, i spend some time with mindfulness sessions (30 min at least), then i need even more time to myself doing the things i like, cause when we are stressed out, there’s no way to get rid of anxiety in a good way.
Connor, I admire your cool vibe and your expertness. Love the content ( I am recovering from anxious attachment). But…. Please-please pay attention to your Latin: it’s not eKcetera, it’s ET CETERA. 😍
Coulda have just Used my Face as ThumbNail bro 😅. This one's too relatable . Jesus Christ
Hahaha, I hear ya
Is there a video on anxious-avoidant attachment style? Thanks
I may not be a man, but I have more alpha characteristics (from protecting myself!!), but I related to 100% of this.
I was a daycare kid from infancy. Mom has ADHD so "Cindy space cadet" had her own problems but her inattention fucked me up.
Yep, I tried to take care of my alcoholic father as a child. Luckily he's been sober for a long time now.
what kind of therapy could be most helpful for this level of anxiety?
Thanks for this guides Connor!
Those are really valuable.
I would love to have your opinion on "A man's guide to avoid fear of rejection"
Yesss I love it
Beauty, thats a great one
@@ManTalks I'm glad it is inspiring you.
I feel that a lot of men have it in term of approaching women, but on a deeper level this men also fear to talk with their family or to create deeper friendships with other men because they are scared of being rejected if they are authentic.
Thank you again for your work Connor, you are making this World a better place.
Would having both very anxious and avoidant attachment tendencies fall under Fearful-avoidant?
Yes. I'm fearful avoidant
You described me in your previous video "codependency" and this one describes my wife "attachment style ". Now we are 2 fuckups raising a child
Don’t text-don’t drop in-don’t ask questions-just take the scraps he throws you and hope someone that gets you comes along…
Currently in a relationship where we are apparently having a problem. I came out and asked her are you still wanting to be together and her response was, I dont know and she's very distant. I'm guessing I'm anxious attachment and she's avoidant.
Okay so I found this really fucking interesting.
Now I don't know if there are sources or things that you are referencing because I was just kind of working out and listening to this. However, that would be a good thing.
Also, I would say 75% of the situations you mentioned about childhood experiences are things that I have personally experienced.
Here's the thing though. I've always considered myself a fairly confident person. I've been through a lot and I have succeeded in conquering so much in my life. I have a lot to be proud of and even with all the mistakes I've made in my life I wouldn't change a thing.
So in relationships I do pretty good... Until a point.
I don't text someone all day or always feeling need to be in touch with them. It's actually sometimes the opposite. I'm a very independent person and I need my own space.
But when things go wrong, that's the issue. When my partner does something that I don't like or they said something that was shitty, therein lies the possibility that my anxious attachment style will surface.
So is it possible to feel secure most of the time and yet have this like lurking shadow of an anxious attachment?
I've seen women that I've dated, not that men cannot have this, where I have seen the anxious attachment style in full force, most of the time.
Obviously I'm not going to be the most objective, but it seems to hit me only when the other person starts pulling away after something bad happens.
It's hard cuz I'm not going to sit here and give the exact situation, but basically I found out something was going on behind my back and even though it wasn't cheating, it really pissed me off. My partner was avoidant. It was a nightmare.
Yes, anxious attachment is definitely a spectrum. And it seems like your baseline and growth has led you to have/develop more secure strategies. However, you still have healing left. That's okay, I can definitely relate to the things you've mentioned.
@@pasmetha oh I mean I'm not trying to say it's perfect by any means over here, I hope I didn't try and give that impression. My life is a laundry list of little tragedies lol. But I mean it's good to just recognize these things and work with them instead of sitting around and feeling bad about it, you know?
I'm extremely fortunate to have that privilege to have the time and the capacity to work on myself.
@@jasonbrianmerrill Oh yes, don't worry, I didn't get that impression. I firmly believe that anyone who has had to develop anxious strategies did not get the attunement and nurture required in childhood.
But yeah it's nice to see a fellow human that is working on their anxious attachment. It's not an easy task. We are all brave for taking on this endeavour. Cuz technically we didn't have to. We could have continued on the generational trauma.
We could have found someone to play the anxious-avoidant dance with until we died. I know my previous partners wouldn't have left.
@@pasmetha I'm glad you didn't get that impression. I was scared because I require external validation ;-)
Haha well I mean I am proud of myself for exiting a shitty situation even if it wasn't perfect and not typically my nature.
@@jasonbrianmerrill I'm proud of you as well! It's not an easy task to be the one to leave as an anxious attacher.
I guess we are in the same boat, I also made a similar decision too. All the best wishes to you!
is it possible that i only became an Anxious while i dated a avoident? I've been in many relationships and never felt anxious with past relations.
Hi, I would like to learn more strategies for down regulating of my nervous system. I have done the technique 46 and it is magnificent. The technique from dr.Linnea was perfect toooo. During 3 weeks that I do these, my life has changed enormously. I wish, I had learned them before.
Can you do Fearful Avoidant as a man?
You bet, it's on the list!
More breathing techniques pls
Have you come across “boarding school syndrome”? I think my anxiety and anxious attachment stems from there. Would you consider this as a topic?
Listen to this with a partner all my ex partners not speaking english😒🥴
What if it's your husband that's unpredictable,not your parents. I feel like I'm going crazy at times.
When I'm in a relationship, I want things to be okay with my partner because I care about his feelings, not in order for me to be okay. It's called empathy.
Good for you! Many of us don't necessarily struggle with empathy (considered a development from nature). Anxious attachment is derrived from Nurture. Our upbringings and typically childhood relationships with (often but not always) dismissive parents, is what can lead to such an attachment style.
It presents as incessantly attentive, continually seeking validation (which can be easily triggered in a relation where the other partner may be an avoidant) - which will lead to what seems like someone being overbearing/controlling etc.
Minimising attachment styles like this which often require extensive therapy to change/take control of, and boiling it down to a lack of empathy, is absurdly damaging to people that have come to this video where they're likely starting their therapy journey. like me.
Am I anxious or is she a cheater lol. I don’t know let me listen.
Sweet Jesus 😮💨
Gnarly 🔥 at least I know now. Thanks. But what does figuring out the past help ? It runs too deep and into your ancestors with too much complexity. I take my security and place it in God and ahis solid rock son named Jesus who will never fail me. Anxiety is the worship of Satan. True life giving love casts away all fears. Faith is thinking what God thinks 🙏 🙌 forget the past.
It's intrusive when a parent wants to know private things, but I don't think it's intrusive when a partner wants to know private things. Why would a partner hide things from you? Also, why would they want independence? I understand needing me time, but if they want independence, maybe they should be single.
Thank you brother 🙏🏾
Wow you’re brilliant. New follow 🩵