This is true I’ve came across three avoidants I cut off two of them and the other told me he didn’t feel good enough for me and sorry to be a disappointment and we both agreed to go out separate ways. I’m very glad for this channel because up until this channel I was unaware of an avoidant and different attachment styles, did a while I thought it was something wrong with me so much to a point I started doing self reflection and asked a friend what was wrong with me, being a subscriber to this channel gives so much clarity and now I can pickup on the different attachment styles much easier, and I know what to look for now. The moment I know for sure a person is an avoidant I get off that rollercoaster asap.
Smart...avoidant types aren't capable of having healthy long-term relationships with anyone unless they've been through years of high quality therapy & actually took it seriously because they're so damaged unfortunately.You can definitely work with securely attached people & even the Anxious Preoccupied folks are fine too if you simply give them consistent love and care in a healthy stable long-term relationship.
This happened to me! I was secure. Became anxious with a dismissive. Now that we are no longer, I am back to my secure self and dating again and able to see things more clearly. I think what causes us to become anxious with avoidants is the length of time you deal with it. If I would have went with my gut initially, I probably wouldn’t have become anxious.
I was secure but this triggered the heck out of me. I’m a therapist and studied attachment, but it was in the abstract. I didn’t see this coming while I was recommending “Attached” to my clients. Dang, these folks are bizarre.
This is the first video showing me that leaving was the right decision. The comment about the narcissist will convince you that it’s your boundaries that are wrong solidified all the confusion I have had since the breakup. Thank you!
I am literally thinking about this today, and it’s wild how it aligns with this video. I know it might sound dumb, but it's true. Once you start to see how what these people say often means nothing and how their behavior feels completely controlled by something inside them, it becomes almost impossible to trust them, or maybe even anyone else.
This was me. I've learned to have a solid understanding of my needs in relationships and setting healthy boundaries around them. The situation sucked, but I'm now better because of it.
That was me. I was secure and became anxious. I finally ended the marriage myself. And yes, I have become secure again. In the future, if I ever meet another DA, I’m gone.
Smart🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Avoidant types are a very poor match for all attachment styles unless they've done years of high quality therapy & taken it seriously... That's why if you notice in the comments sections, almost everyone refers to them as ex partners rather than partners they have.
I was very secure going in. Yep. Never again will i open my heart to someone who admits that they have walls up and are terrified even tho they commit and are loving and clearly are falling in love.
That’s awesome!!! so what you’re saying is they’re basically full of crap early on. They like to be alone a lot. Whatever you say to them, that is nice and really means something. They freak out get scared and run for the hills. Yes blocking your phone and never speaking to you again. OK got it. Sounds like someone I’d love to run into again.
Met the friends of my avoidant ex today at my job. (A store) I just told them “Say hello, to you know who.” Felt so good. 💁🏻♀️I Always been anxious in the relationship. But now I felt strong for the first in a very long time.
Yes I fell victim as never knew much about attachment styles before entering last relationship. Iam secure but became anxious when dealing with my avoidant ex. Suck you in like they are secure early on but then all it takes is something to flip the switch & the rollercoaster ride begins. Such a confusing situation to be in.
You won't know you're with an FA until they switch off and shut down on you for the second or third time. The first couple of times they'll gaslight you it's something you did, or it's the time of the month or whatever. As a Secure you just don't expect the kind of games an FA plays from someone who has been acting "normal" for a month or two while you got properly trapped
The DA I was trying to get to know started up the push/pull cycle, ghosting, & breadcrumbing at around the 2 month mark...I ran like my butt was on 🔥 before it was even 3 months when I 👀 that he had no interest in changing. Although unintentional...These people will exploit any potential little anxious kink in your secure armor.
Yes, exactly. I married my wife after she showed such good signs, and we made long-term plans together. Home together, trying to ave children. Yes, they are people pleasers, almost childlike as they so much want to please.
Oh they're people pleasers alright...But once they develop deeper feelings, that fear overrides it & the dysfunctional behaviors start up with the push/pull cycle, ghosting, breadcrumbing, etc.
I've had two FAs approach me and start relationships. The discards were supremely difficult, but I can't say I came out an anxious mess. Yes, I chased them for a while, but I never started questioning my self worth or taking the blame for their crazy antics. They were both gorgeous and under the craziness were amazing women. And either one would have been blessed to have me. But they don't because they're messed up, not because I am.
...You had to have been at least somewhat anxious though if you repeatedly chased them for a while🤔.If you're not leaning toward being anxious, their behavior will usually run you off really fast.Either way glad you escaped❤️🩹👍🏻.
Indeed my experience precisely with my dude. Until I realized what was going on I was questioning myself but I stopped before it got ridiculous. Also a lovely man I hope he becomes more aware and changes/gets help.
@malwads1836 I said I didn't come out an anxious mess not that I didn't experience any anxiety when someone I love left for no good reason. Essentially everyone experiences anxiety under such circumstances, secure or otherwise. I was making the distinction between expected anxiety and being changed into an anxious, insecure person by it all. I've never understood the self questioning when someone else goes crazy and sabotages the relationship.
@@Mudpuppyjunior They really are unhealthy for any attachment style🤔... Even 2 avoidant types don't work over the long-term because they can't fulfill each other's basic emotional needs & they'll either drift apart or if 1 of them is FA they'll end up being triggered by the other avoidant regardless of type.
Your videos always come in at the right time! Thanks for helping me navigate this time in my life by reinforcing what secure attachment looks like and normalizing healthy boundaries when facing insecure relationships. I always feel a renowned sense of self advocacy after watching these videos. Thank you!
You can’t claim ‘secure’ with leaving anxious. Secure attachers set boundaries early and once those are breached they are SECURE and leave. They don’t wait for change. Thus, secure do not leave anxious only hidden or covert anxious do.
Even as SA people we shouldn't take it for granted, we have to do the work to PROTECT our SA because remember attachment styles (AREN'T) set in stone.Still proud of myself for running in less than 3 months from a DA 🚹 I was getting to know, I know I chose the right path at that fork in the road🥳🎉.Want to speed run yhem pretending to be emotionally available?Do what I did & get REAL comfy sharing personal details about things that happened in your life and expressing your emotions, they'll likely form feelings for you in not too long & then all that dysfunction with the push/pull cycle, breadcrumbing, ghosting, etc will start to surface.Keep yourself emotionally held back until you really know a person well BUT go through the motions as if you were all-in from the start...This will reveal bot only avoidants but also ituer screwballs like narcissists, sociopaths, etc because they'll stupidly assume they can start exploiting you because you're "all wrapped up in them"😉👍🏻👍🏻.
This really was an absolute 💎 of a video...I'm absolutely amazed this channel isn't a lot larger than it is, share this video with all of the folks you care about because these very damaged harmful people are out there roaming the land like emotional 🧟♀️s but instead of 👀 for 🧠s they're just 👀 for ❤️s instead😬.We've already had the great narcissism awakening with all the great content now out there about that...This needs to be the next big awakening because the damage these 🧟♀️s cause is in par with narcs even if it's unintentional.
Are you okay Ryan? I have been watching your videos as a source of comfort and understanding because i have been deeply hurt by a fearfull avoidant and could not understand his behavior and was going mad but you gave me comfort and to not internalize it. But i have noticed u have been making these videos for a long time going over the same topics and that is fine but in this one you seem...sad i see the bags under your eyes and the cracks in your voice like your holding back tears and hurt. It's hard to let someone go you cared about deeply even when u understand the behavior we can rationalize and Intellectualize all we want in the end letting go of someone we truly loved is never easy..... borderline impossible 😢 Take care man 🖤
Very true it took me almost a year to discover his fearful dismissive avoidant by then i was in love he love bombed me so much gave me his house keys promised marriage etc hesh.
My ex fell pregnant at 19 and didn’t tell anyone until her step mom caught her out at around the 5 month mark. Her dad called a meeting and that’s when I was told. She wore loose clothes and even drank on weekends so no one would know. She would avoid everything and constantly broke her word. These people are so destructive. Try not to get caught up.
Obviously I don't know the situation but being pregnant that young can be very scary. People can be unkind as well if a kid is not being born in a more traditional situation. I've heard of young women being in a state of denial because of how overwhelming it is to be pregnant. Support is essential through pregnancy. I hope things are better now for everyone involved
I became anxious after being ignored over a decade! Now I’m working on myself to be fully secure again!
This is true I’ve came across three avoidants I cut off two of them and the other told me he didn’t feel good enough for me and sorry to be a disappointment and we both agreed to go out separate ways. I’m very glad for this channel because up until this channel I was unaware of an avoidant and different attachment styles, did a while I thought it was something wrong with me so much to a point I started doing self reflection and asked a friend what was wrong with me, being a subscriber to this channel gives so much clarity and now I can pickup on the different attachment styles much easier, and I know what to look for now. The moment I know for sure a person is an avoidant I get off that rollercoaster asap.
Smart...avoidant types aren't capable of having healthy long-term relationships with anyone unless they've been through years of high quality therapy & actually took it seriously because they're so damaged unfortunately.You can definitely work with securely attached people & even the Anxious Preoccupied folks are fine too if you simply give them consistent love and care in a healthy stable long-term relationship.
This happened to me! I was secure. Became anxious with a dismissive. Now that we are no longer, I am back to my secure self and dating again and able to see things more clearly. I think what causes us to become anxious with avoidants is the length of time you deal with it. If I would have went with my gut initially, I probably wouldn’t have become anxious.
I was secure but this triggered the heck out of me. I’m a therapist and studied attachment, but it was in the abstract. I didn’t see this coming while I was recommending “Attached” to my clients. Dang, these folks are bizarre.
This is the first video showing me that leaving was the right decision. The comment about the narcissist will convince you that it’s your boundaries that are wrong solidified all the confusion I have had since the breakup. Thank you!
I am literally thinking about this today, and it’s wild how it aligns with this video. I know it might sound dumb, but it's true. Once you start to see how what these people say often means nothing and how their behavior feels completely controlled by something inside them, it becomes almost impossible to trust them, or maybe even anyone else.
Yep. Was almost as secure as a person can be. Until the extreme DA. Holy crap! You think you're losing your mind.
This was me. I've learned to have a solid understanding of my needs in relationships and setting healthy boundaries around them. The situation sucked, but I'm now better because of it.
That was me. I was secure and became anxious. I finally ended the marriage myself. And yes, I have become secure again. In the future, if I ever meet another DA, I’m gone.
Smart🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Avoidant types are a very poor match for all attachment styles unless they've done years of high quality therapy & taken it seriously... That's why if you notice in the comments sections, almost everyone refers to them as ex partners rather than partners they have.
@@malwads1836 exactly!
Same here
I was very secure going in. Yep. Never again will i open my heart to someone who admits that they have walls up and are terrified even tho they commit and are loving and clearly are falling in love.
Thanks!
That’s awesome!!! so what you’re saying is they’re basically full of crap early on. They like to be alone a lot. Whatever you say to them, that is nice and really means something. They freak out get scared and run for the hills. Yes blocking your phone and never speaking to you again. OK got it. Sounds like someone I’d love to run into again.
Met the friends of my avoidant ex today at my job. (A store)
I just told them “Say hello, to you know who.” Felt so good. 💁🏻♀️I Always been anxious in the relationship. But now I felt strong for the first in a very long time.
I was a VERY secure person but the DA turned me into an anxious person. I did recover from his games and walked away with my head held high.
Same never again
Yes I fell victim as never knew much about attachment styles before entering last relationship. Iam secure but became anxious when dealing with my avoidant ex. Suck you in like they are secure early on but then all it takes is something to flip the switch & the rollercoaster ride begins. Such a confusing situation to be in.
You won't know you're with an FA until they switch off and shut down on you for the second or third time. The first couple of times they'll gaslight you it's something you did, or it's the time of the month or whatever. As a Secure you just don't expect the kind of games an FA plays from someone who has been acting "normal" for a month or two while you got properly trapped
The DA I was trying to get to know started up the push/pull cycle, ghosting, & breadcrumbing at around the 2 month mark...I ran like my butt was on 🔥 before it was even 3 months when I 👀 that he had no interest in changing. Although unintentional...These people will exploit any potential little anxious kink in your secure armor.
Yes, exactly. I married my wife after she showed such good signs, and we made long-term plans together. Home together, trying to ave children.
Yes, they are people pleasers, almost childlike as they so much want to please.
Oh they're people pleasers alright...But once they develop deeper feelings, that fear overrides it & the dysfunctional behaviors start up with the push/pull cycle, ghosting, breadcrumbing, etc.
I've had two FAs approach me and start relationships. The discards were supremely difficult, but I can't say I came out an anxious mess. Yes, I chased them for a while, but I never started questioning my self worth or taking the blame for their crazy antics.
They were both gorgeous and under the craziness were amazing women. And either one would have been blessed to have me. But they don't because they're messed up, not because I am.
...You had to have been at least somewhat anxious though if you repeatedly chased them for a while🤔.If you're not leaning toward being anxious, their behavior will usually run you off really fast.Either way glad you escaped❤️🩹👍🏻.
Most gorgeous amazing women are fearful avoidant.
Indeed my experience precisely with my dude. Until I realized what was going on I was questioning myself but I stopped before it got ridiculous. Also a lovely man I hope he becomes more aware and changes/gets help.
@malwads1836
I said I didn't come out an anxious mess not that I didn't experience any anxiety when someone I love left for no good reason.
Essentially everyone experiences anxiety under such circumstances, secure or otherwise.
I was making the distinction between expected anxiety and being changed into an anxious, insecure person by it all.
I've never understood the self questioning when someone else goes crazy and sabotages the relationship.
@@Mudpuppyjunior They really are unhealthy for any attachment style🤔... Even 2 avoidant types don't work over the long-term because they can't fulfill each other's basic emotional needs & they'll either drift apart or if 1 of them is FA they'll end up being triggered by the other avoidant regardless of type.
This was me, I was so confused. I didn't know why the other person was just so rigid.
Your videos always come in at the right time! Thanks for helping me navigate this time in my life by reinforcing what secure attachment looks like and normalizing healthy boundaries when facing insecure relationships. I always feel a renowned sense of self advocacy after watching these videos. Thank you!
Yes I ignored the red flags now I have trust issues but I recover slowly
U r a great person,thank you for sharing the video,so truethful to the situation I have just been on.
this is my story of last 8 months...I am learning a lot and setting up and HOLDING healthy boundaries. I am secure.
Yes yes yes 🙋🏻♀️
thank you Ryan
True. Thanks.
"Secure attachers can get into relationships with avoidants" Tell me about it... worst days work I ever did
You can’t claim ‘secure’ with leaving anxious. Secure attachers set boundaries early and once those are breached they are SECURE and leave. They don’t wait for change. Thus, secure do not leave anxious only hidden or covert anxious do.
Even as SA people we shouldn't take it for granted, we have to do the work to PROTECT our SA because remember attachment styles (AREN'T) set in stone.Still proud of myself for running in less than 3 months from a DA 🚹 I was getting to know, I know I chose the right path at that fork in the road🥳🎉.Want to speed run yhem pretending to be emotionally available?Do what I did & get REAL comfy sharing personal details about things that happened in your life and expressing your emotions, they'll likely form feelings for you in not too long & then all that dysfunction with the push/pull cycle, breadcrumbing, ghosting, etc will start to surface.Keep yourself emotionally held back until you really know a person well BUT go through the motions as if you were all-in from the start...This will reveal bot only avoidants but also ituer screwballs like narcissists, sociopaths, etc because they'll stupidly assume they can start exploiting you because you're "all wrapped up in them"😉👍🏻👍🏻.
This really was an absolute 💎 of a video...I'm absolutely amazed this channel isn't a lot larger than it is, share this video with all of the folks you care about because these very damaged harmful people are out there roaming the land like emotional 🧟♀️s but instead of 👀 for 🧠s they're just 👀 for ❤️s instead😬.We've already had the great narcissism awakening with all the great content now out there about that...This needs to be the next big awakening because the damage these 🧟♀️s cause is in par with narcs even if it's unintentional.
This is an excellent video thank you! 🙏🏼
Are you okay Ryan? I have been watching your videos as a source of comfort and understanding because i have been deeply hurt by a fearfull avoidant and could not understand his behavior and was going mad but you gave me comfort and to not internalize it.
But i have noticed u have been making these videos for a long time going over the same topics and that is fine but in this one you seem...sad
i see the bags under your eyes and the cracks in your voice like your holding back tears and hurt.
It's hard to let someone go you cared about deeply even when u understand the behavior we can rationalize and Intellectualize all we want in the end letting go of someone we truly loved is never easy..... borderline impossible 😢
Take care man 🖤
Very true it took me almost a year to discover his fearful dismissive avoidant by then i was in love he love bombed me so much gave me his house keys promised marriage etc hesh.
Yeah I just went through this with my ex only could handle 2yrs 😢I'm out
Thank you
My ex fell pregnant at 19 and didn’t tell anyone until her step mom caught her out at around the 5 month mark. Her dad called a meeting and that’s when I was told. She wore loose clothes and even drank on weekends so no one would know. She would avoid everything and constantly broke her word. These people are so destructive. Try not to get caught up.
Obviously I don't know the situation but being pregnant that young can be very scary. People can be unkind as well if a kid is not being born in a more traditional situation. I've heard of young women being in a state of denial because of how overwhelming it is to be pregnant. Support is essential through pregnancy.
I hope things are better now for everyone involved