Guys, gals, etc, quit trying to understand avoidants and just move on. I got dumped by an avoidant (or honestly very possibly a narc) back in July. We did the whole NC thing for 3 months, bumped back into each other, talked for a month, hung out, made out, she spent the night at my house twice, told me all these things about how she would be “sick to her stomach” if she saw me with with another woman, etc. she spent last Saturday night at my house, we woke up and cuddled, again, she told me how much I meant to her only to tell me three days later once again that “she doesn’t think we’re a good fit romantically” and even went further to say that she DOESNT want to be friends, “at least not in this time.” The hot/cold from these people is fucking insane. Maybe she’s an avoidant, maybe she’s a narc, but if it’s that hard to tell the difference, does it really matter? Save yourself the trouble and find someone who doesn’t have mommy/daddy issues, which is really all “avoidant” is. Just a euphemism for daddy issues in this case. They are severely damaged because they weren’t properly loved growing up and frankly, their behavior will infect you and make you question your own worth and whether or not you’re capable of being loved yourself. Quit trying to understand them and just move on
Amen brother. You nailed it 💯🎯 - distinguishing whether or not they are a narc or avoidant is time / energy / soul consuming - like you said they are just unhealthy unhealed selfish people that will never grow up or respect others.
@@tanziha she told me she was, then we got drunk and were talking about it one night and was like “I don’t even believe in all that attachment theory bullshit. Everyone has their own unique ways of attachment.” She’s avoidant to the point that she avoids even talking about being avoidant. She told me that she was in therapy to “learn a more secure attachment style” and then I found out later that she was in some bullshit “hypnosis therapy” and she said “well, talk therapy just doesn’t work for me” and I guessing again, because the therapist wants to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about. Thats why she’ll never heal and ultimately after discard #2 from her, I just blocked her and never looked back
WOW!!! I'm about sure I was in a temporary relationship with an avoidant. I dumped him on Sunday. He displayed too many red flags. So I had to release him. I'm now wondering if he was an avoidant. 🤔👀🧠💬
First time I've heard someone who's talking about an avoidant say, "the fact that they jumped into a new relationship so quickly shows how much work they have to do... ...Do you really want them back?" Everyone else seems to be overly sympathetic to the avoidant mindset.
Don't bite guys. If I can do the hard inner work to heal anxious attachment then anyone can. I learned self love and compassion so for that im grateful but no way am i going back to dysfunctional patterns.
I just ended it finally and blocked him. The dismissive behavior is the most incomprehensible thing I ever saw in my life. I'm so glad that I can stop watching all those videos and to not deal with this DISORDER anymore. It isn't an attachment "style" , this is a disorder.
@@ritapeters1330 they ghost all the time. You never know when they gonna ghost. Even if they tell you they will not ghost , they are gonna ghost. They don't see a problem with it. Be glad without him, really. They are destructive personalities and very very selfish
@@frostqueen4904 thank you , you are right I should forget about him, he already ghosted me last year ...now I felt so safe with him, never expected him doing this. It hurts so much . He made me feel loved. I cannot believe it and it hurts like hell. I am from Germany and I was in his country Slovenia.
I wasn't anxious at all before i met an avoidant man and now that I'm single again, my sense of peace has returned 🥰 never again will i allow someone to cause me to feel so unwanted and so low because of their immense insecurities/low self esteem. They are onto the next one and im saying ✌️✌️
Same. Only seem to attract avoidants and it's great until it's not. More peace being on my own than trying with people who will not heal their attachment wounds.
my ex reached out afther only 3 weeks , saying she was sorry for hurting me and the way she broke it off . i know she was sincere but she wanted to come back as a friend . I accepted the apologies , told her it was the best thing in my life to happen . and told her we cannot be friend and wished her health and happiness as she going through health disease . and went back no contact . . . we are now on the 4th week . i keep working on myself and hoping for the best but i am okay if she won't come back obviously it gonna hurt but in the end i did grow already . I just deeply hope she can do the self reflection on herself too and realize what she is willing to let go . She told me a lot of events that happened in her childhood i 500% understand why she is the way she is as of today . I don't want to fix her but i deeply wish from the bottom of my heart she can learn new ways to process things when we are back and me being so much more secure . Thanks for your videos much love
@@tiffanyburke2785 I don't want the friendship , so yeah i deeply wish for it . i believe we are soulmate or twin flame , no one in my life made me grow that much in a really positive way . I know there more coming up for us , if she have the strength to work on herself by her own choice. I'm her light in the darkness. I still got work to do on my anxious style and will seek professional help to work on it.
Its because they're scared of being alone but will never tell you thats why they jump from one person to another and another. Thats how insecure they're
He is a dissmissive avoidant and i am secure. I tolerate his behavior for 8 years mostly because i hoped he would go to therapy. He dumped me 2 months ago after i peacefully asked him to stop projecting on me. He ghosted me lol. I did not try to find out anything nor contacted him.when they are gone you really realized how soul sucking those type of persons are. I hope him the best. Farrrrr away from me .
@@omartrachen6794bro I get it but they’re 21 years of age bro. They are an adult and it’s their responsibility to grow up. Otherwise they will be 30 and alone. A perfect example of this was a girl I used to work with. Beautiful, hardworking, but emotionally stunted, I was 18 she was 35, we ended up sleeping together. She slept with others at the job soon after. Getting into situationship after situationship. Haven’t spoke to her in years, she’s now 37. Eventually her looks will fade, she will be alone. It’s sad but if she would’ve self reflected earlier in life she could’ve brownie the cycle, now I doubt she ever will, or she will and it’ll be to late
Even when your feelings are still involved, it is necessary to take a step back and realize how you are not respecting yourself and how demeaning it would be to try to get a person back who discarded you. If you say you can't help it, you are flat out wrong - it is an OPPORTUNITY to have your own back. Take it
It's been over a year, still hurts like hell how she treated me, I hate her more than anyone yet miss and hate these emotions I feel It's over, but I find it hard to accept it, and there's a part of me that wants to reach out to her (half to tell her I hate her, half of me wants to tell her I miss her), man I'm fucked up
From me, it helped working throught it. Emotionally I also want her back, but logically it wouldn't make any sense. Why would I want to be again with the person that treated me like dirt on their shoe, and I did absolutely everything for her. Try to forgive her, it will help you. I understood it was not her fault, she just had a hellish childhood that left her and emotional invalid. She didn't do it out of malice, same as a paraplegic is not malicious when they don't want to go for a run with you. She doesn't have the capacity. Now forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You forgive just for yourself and never talk to her again. And then you move on. There are other great people out there with whom you can have a 10x more satisfying relationship then you ever had with that broken person that love bombed you and then dumped you like a pile of trash.
Don't hate the Person you once loved, your heart poured into creating that love, don't hate her, its unfair to your heart, let her go if that makes her happy. You can't make someone choose you. She lost you, the one who loved her. Let it be. Your life will go on, you'll always remember her but you'll learn to smile at your memories one day. Its okay my friend, its okay.
IM TELLING YOU, you have to tell them your boundaries, mine said she wants to focus on therapy and she was uncomfortable with me being around, I told her I loved her and she needs to do it for herself. I’m an anxious attachment so it hurt me a lot when she left but I know and feel she is doing what’s best for her, she still watches my stories even after asking for space. It does hurt but it will get better.
I honestly think they don’t go through this process at all. They bury so deep so they never access it and just avoid their feelings and accountability forever.
He broke up with me on Christmas. Ghosted me till Monday, was so robotic, cold, heartless just kept telling me he didn't feel anything, absolutely nothing at all. No concerns or care as I begged for him and sobbed hysterically. Now I understand why he isolates himself in a van 24/7.
Same story. Dumped me over the phone. Totally cold, 180 degrees shift, said she doesn't love me anymore, that she doesn't feel anything. I was sending heartbroken messages, she would not respond. In hindsight, there were plenty of red flags, plenty, but I just thought people come in all shapes and sizes and love will fix any problem we might have. WRONG
Omg I’m going through the same thing. I’ve used that word so many times “Robotic.” Telling me as well he never felt anything that included love for me and never even thought of me. I couldnt take it anymore. He started packing his things yesterday for the 15th time but this time enough was enough. It was also the anniversary of my brothers passing who I was super close to… so for once this time I helped him pack ( more like threw his things beside the door) it felt good to finally get my emotions out instead of apologizing over and over but now the pain is really setting in. But I know I have to stay strong and stay no contact. It’s not easy. Especially when they’ve already mentally destroyed you so badly for years.
You just helped me so much. 6 years on/off with a DA, currently 3 months no contact, and dying inside. This video was exactly what I needed to hear. How you don’t have 5 million followers is crazy!! You’re amazing!
Your wisdom has been invaluable in my beginning to heal. This is challenging stuff to process and move through. Having the intellectual explanation is quite sobering and ultimately strengthening. Thank you.
He cheated throughout the marriage as he couldn’t cope. I left and three yrs later, he states he missed me and is in therapy. HE wants to date once a week and wants to be with others. No thanks. This is f’d. Give me my money and I’ll be on my way. No amount of counselling will help bring this boy out of the sandbox.
Crazy how you mentioned they like your story to bait you to message them I’m so happy I didn’t fall for the trap she hasn’t responded back to my text. The silent treatment/ stonewalling is very immature
Yeah, once we’re gone, we’ll come back swooping in, but it only lasts for one day or two then they’ll completely detach again. The cycle is horrible and frustrating and draining. ❤
So frustrating I didn’t know that you would have to actually chase a man and initiate everything for them so backwards.. draining as well! A woman initiating everything but then when they barely talk to you, you don’t know whether or not you’re doing enough for them when it’s against your realms, actually initiate go above and beyond for somebody that barely shows feelings for you.. mindF
Because of her i found about myself. Imagine that...first time in my life, i'd rather help her than keep hate alive. After all, she did tell me about the youth and her issues she had with her mother, so indeed these people are damaged within. I hope one day we can talk about this because unfortunately i was blocked and my response was never even read, it's been 2.5 months already.
I keep watching your videos, they help me rethink before I try to reach them out 😢. It's painful, it really hurts. I still miss him though it's been 2 years now😢. Thank you so much for your support & empowering words& questions. Thx a lot. You're blessed 🤍
You are right, I love all your videos it making sense to compare other Avoidant 's videos.. I agree with you those Avoidant at the beginning is good and then slow fading one is hard .. those Avoidant should not have any relationship if they enjoy being avoidant why they 're seek out relationship in the end they going to discard people .. but I realized the hard lessons we should not allowed it .. do not enable their behaviour .. no matter how hard do not contact them is the right action for our own seek and well being! THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your videos and I love them all!
If I reflect on the experiences on my partner, I am also a passing ship in the night just as she was to me. I don't need to chase down a broken person because I am probably depriving myself a better opportunities.
She broke up with me but it's been like 4 months and she started sending me messages how much she regret it but I can't seem to want her back anymore despite how I love her. It's just like. She left and broke our existing relationship and scrambled it like eggs. I have no clue what she did with herself in those 4 months. Seems she went and partied. Did whatever college life stuff. She hid that from my sight. But girls I know informed me of it. So it's just tough man. I guess she just gotta go have her cake. She cant have her cake and mine too.
After listening to these avoidant videos Ryan, I’m sure my ex was a huge avoidant. She gave me the most amazing compliments, encouragement, love, support over a one and a half year long distance relationship but recently, over a 2-3 week period, turned into a totally (in)different person, with no emotions or communication or commitment and simply walked out on me and I couldn’t believe if it was the same person that I knew over the past one and a half year. She just became totally emotionally deactivated. Interestingly though, eight days into our break up, she removed me from Instagram and Facebook (but left WhatsApp open). I couldn’t believe that a person who loved me so much could do that. Since then, I’ve been wondering what that means? Why would she not even want to stalk me or be curious to know what I’m doing? You mentioned they’d stalk you so just curious what my situation suggests.
My ex blocked me after month and a half after out breakup on facebook, although we ended on good terms(she broke up with me after 2 years) and she is an avoidant. I think that there isn't one copying mechanism for them. Removing and blocking is their way to try and move on and don't tempt to get back together I guess.
@@liranredl8036 that’s what hurts. As Ryan said, Avoidants have a tendency to come back but in our case they are consciously choosing to shut the door completely. Why? What’s pushing them to take such extreme measures that they don’t even wanna see us? That’s not the typical avoidant behaviour I guess.
@@SFW7 It could be both, right? Missing the person or rather the dopamine hits that person gave them but also shame/guilt over what they did to them. And cutting ties completely might be one way of avoiding that.
We broke up and got back together so many times over the year n half. Love bombed me in the beginning. Year and a half later she tells me to move on and that im a good looking guy and that i can have any woman. Kinda heart broken… almost a month no contact. Dont think she cares.. life goes on i guess. We also have the same friend group. Its tough. Id be shocked if she apologized and wanted to see me.
so he has stonewalled me now about 5 weeks, no discussion of breaking up, he walked away from me during a moment of me sharing a feeling, so I don't even know we are in one, I refuse to reach out to him due to hurtful words by him before he shut the door and walked away
mine did too - I expressed my feelings and he just ignored me and hasn't messaged me back since. (we are LDR). They walked away from me. No doubt they will rewrite history in their head that I was the one that ghosted them when it was really them. I feel like it's pointless reaching out. They've ignored my messages before I wrote a long expressing my feelings.
@@petitcoeur-q6r they will never admit it.. he’s had 3 family functions since, I wonder what he told his family I refuse to reach out.. his last words to me “you’ve got issues” shuts the door
Five weeks ago and you don't know you are still in a relationship? Maybe you decide if you want to be in a relationship with this kind of person. Sounds to me he is history. Please give yourself all the love and respect❤ Wishing you well❤
Well that was a tough pill to swallow, I was really hoping she wasn’t an avoidant but the ghosting and then the monkey branching…the lack of an ability to communicate
I happened upon your video by accident you explain in easy detail dealing with avoidant person sadly they are not happy people inside very insecure you have to setup boundaries tell them what you will or no longer put up with stay strong ladies never be afraid to walk away
My god.. her explanation leaving me was our characters and stuff stuff don't match. I gave it all. I have anxious attachment. Trust me... I'm shattered in the pieces. Looks like end of the world.. Still while working on myself. My empathy goes more towards her. To help. She is also working on herself. Her communication is so shitty. I feel so abandoned. It's been 8 days. She said she has completely moved on from our romantic relationship. She sees me as a friend. Even as a friend i was getting breadcrumbs of love and attention. My self esteem is on lowest. I'm thinking of quittinh my job and work on myself heal myself properly then start something else. I don't knoe why i miss all qualities in her. Independent, hahah but too are gone in that independence. Ahhh.. date one avoidant and you are all set for a therapy.
Don't let this be a recurring event in your life. You don't have to get good at surviving break-ups. It's so easy to get lured towards disaster by beauty, charm and lust. Pay attention to what happened in the beginning.
It is so hard. You want it so badly that you are not seeing it clear. What is it what you miss? Her love? Of something else? The feeling of attention by someone? Again….it is hard. I know it is hard. Stil in the proces after 10 weeks of NC.
Yes to min. 7:50. This is my experience with my ex-husband. He jumped quickly into a new relationship and he started to manifest nostalgia (sending old photographs to our children) and complimenting me. Really weird and immature.
Wow. As a recovering avoidant myself, dating another avoidant, this really sheds light on everything. I fear hurting him now that I deeply understand why he deactivated. Not entirely, though, probably because he feels deeply understood by me. And that’s the truth. But your video reminded me of how I was only able to start recovering from my own avoidant tendencies after my ex went completely silent on me. A few years later, he married someone else, never showing any availability to me again. I lost him for good. The process of healing was painful. I even ended up in the hospital from the emotional toll, despite barely reaching out to him. I can understand if my current avoidant ex needs to go through a similar journey to heal. Maybe this is for the best. I just hope he won’t stay stuck in shame for too long. But I know I need to leave him for good so he can reflect and heal on his own. Thank you for this reminder. 🙏🏼
I wish i had ghosted him back when he blocked me on everything in the middle of a texting convo. Such a big red flag. It only got worse after me chasing him and trying to compromise.
Well it's not a safe relationship when you feel the need to protect yourself from someone. 🤷🏻♀️ That's gonna make you feel limerent and eventually lose your stability and sanity
This is the best video i watched about avoidents. Explains so well. I am curious if some one can develop dismissive avoident attachment style after a traumatic event happened in a previous relationship?
Of course its possible. Without fully understanding avoidant behavior, a secure person might get serious doubts about what to expect from other people in general. Its important to learn about avoidance and its manifestations, its not that hard. Most people are damaged and it is hard to find someone willing and healthy but only alternative is to be alone and one has to be ready to embrace that.
I realize that I gave my avoidant the same energy he gave me. If an avoidant is insecure and looking for me to reach out. Nope, not me. So I, as he sees me he sees me, sees me every Sunday. My NO CONTACT Whatever he is feeling means nothing to me. I'm not going to pacify an avoidant. I'm a grown a~~ woman. I'm in no need to fall at the need of an avoidant. He can watch and see my beauty every time. As I'm a child of God. If God chooses him for me. GOD will have to hunt me. Point Blank Periodod!!
They take a while to reach out. In my current case, it's been more than three months without a beep from her. But the time is useful to think of them from a more neutral perspective. Constructive criticism coach: you really need to turn up the volume for your videos (or hire someone to do that for you)
I’m in the bread crumbing stage. He’s watching my stories. He finally accepted an old friend request from my daughter. I’m not playing games. But I am hopeful for his return. But we had a very confusing back and forth relationship. It’s only been 2 weeks. Sigh. I don’t think he feels the pain. I’m sure he’s out dating.
He does have a counselor who comes to see him once a week. I just found this out the other night. Thing is..the counseling wasn't his idea. He's living in an assisted facility, due to neuropathy in his legs and feet. His health, as well as his behavior, is complicated by..alcoholism. So, the facility wanted him to start counseling. He agreed to it, but, in his words, the only reason was because he "doesn't like to make waves." I asked him if he's, you know, truly working with the guy. Or just..maybe cooperating to, well, like he said, to not make waves. I wish I could be more involved. He just kind of drops these bits of information, but doesn't say much more. So, I have no idea if he's telling me this to..honestly share he's trying to get help, without making a big deal of it/for his pride. Or..just dangling it in front of me to..keep me connected, even if it's just on the back-burner.
Hey Coach Ryan, Can you please explain what an avoidant could be feeling once they are blocked on all social media platforms? Because i will be doing that
My avoidant found an extremely young girl to help him get over him pushing ME away 😉 it seems it wasn’t emotional avoidance that bothered him it was that I was much older than what he prefers 🤷♀️
@@segri3697 it isn’t the immaturity tbh. We can all be silly and act daft sometimes….its the absolute disrespect and disregard for someone they were supposed to “ care” about. The fact I feel it’s just wrong a 60 year old man chasing a 27 year old girl 🤢.
@@karen2670 I understand! My ex DA was unfaithful with much younger woman and I felt that he saw himself as being so much younger.. thats what I mean with immature. But what matter is that they hurt people. Deeply!
I notice all of your videos talk about what an DA does or will do and you always say “because they ended the relationship “. Well what about when you ended it because you gave and gave and tried to talk and connect and it got worse and then they did something they shouldn’t have done (plus all the manipulation and bread crumbing and love bombing) . So you said forget it! I’m out. And yeah already in another relationship and moved her in(pretty sure he cheated with this same person) but says “ I didn’t plan this “. Yeah right
@@thendebele in what way do you mean it stuns them? I do think that mine didn't actually realize the impending loss/abandonment until it happens. They probably feel blindsighted by it even if the writings were on the wall and you tried to communicate that certain dynamics can become an irreconcileable misalignment. What I wonder is how quickly they will realize it's of their own making, if they realize that at all. I separated from my DA in a very secure manner and we had multiple conversations that contextualize and offered understanding about why the separation was becoming necessary, but he tried to persuade me into remaining in the status quo without offering anything substantional regarding the dealbreakers I wasn't condoning any longer.
What if the person already monkey-branched to someone else? Also, in the three months we’ve been apart my ex hasn’t reached out. Even right after we broke up, he didn’t have the decency to check in. He just ghosted. Never will hear from him again.
Why cant being upfront just be enough. At this point its just playing games. I remember once i was told shes not the callrr but the called. But when we first met she called me everyday than began bread crumbing and falling off the face of the earth.
Thank you so much. Are those stages the same if it's the parter that stops the relationship during the "post discard friendship" with a "come back when you decide to work on yourself", or are there some differences? Thank you for your work 💛
Or in many months. A lot of my friends are avoidants, and so we're both of my grandma's and late great aunt. It was like a mood ring. It's not a great ride. They ALWAYS come back after they're burned by someone. @@adryangalileu4611
It is so painful to endure their discarding, to end up seeing them moving on and being able to commit with someone else when they couldn't with you, marrying and having children. As if you were a simple thing of the past and your feelings and dreams didn't matter at all. 💔
She won’t reach out. Even if she did… I wouldn’t take her back. I did my best and she still ran away. I’m on to better things.
I can relate, man, keep your head high, and find someone who will love you back.
Just get a dog and be happy. Woof !
Same for me
Ask yourself why you want to date an emotionally dead passed around stump.
I agree, fuck women who treat guys (who treat them right) like this
Long story short - don't waste your time with these people.
Guys, gals, etc, quit trying to understand avoidants and just move on.
I got dumped by an avoidant (or honestly very possibly a narc) back in July. We did the whole NC thing for 3 months, bumped back into each other, talked for a month, hung out, made out, she spent the night at my house twice, told me all these things about how she would be “sick to her stomach” if she saw me with with another woman, etc. she spent last Saturday night at my house, we woke up and cuddled, again, she told me how much I meant to her only to tell me three days later once again that “she doesn’t think we’re a good fit romantically” and even went further to say that she DOESNT want to be friends, “at least not in this time.”
The hot/cold from these people is fucking insane. Maybe she’s an avoidant, maybe she’s a narc, but if it’s that hard to tell the difference, does it really matter? Save yourself the trouble and find someone who doesn’t have mommy/daddy issues, which is really all “avoidant” is. Just a euphemism for daddy issues in this case.
They are severely damaged because they weren’t properly loved growing up and frankly, their behavior will infect you and make you question your own worth and whether or not you’re capable of being loved yourself. Quit trying to understand them and just move on
Amen brother. You nailed it 💯🎯 - distinguishing whether or not they are a narc or avoidant is time / energy / soul consuming - like you said they are just unhealthy unhealed selfish people that will never grow up or respect others.
She is a fearful-avoidant or disorganized. It's a blend of worst qualities of both anxious and avoidant.
Spot on mate
@@tanziha she told me she was, then we got drunk and were talking about it one night and was like “I don’t even believe in all that attachment theory bullshit. Everyone has their own unique ways of attachment.” She’s avoidant to the point that she avoids even talking about being avoidant.
She told me that she was in therapy to “learn a more secure attachment style” and then I found out later that she was in some bullshit “hypnosis therapy” and she said “well, talk therapy just doesn’t work for me” and I guessing again, because the therapist wants to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about. Thats why she’ll never heal and ultimately after discard #2 from her, I just blocked her and never looked back
WOW!!! I'm about sure I was in a temporary relationship with an avoidant. I dumped him on Sunday. He displayed too many red flags. So I had to release him. I'm now wondering if he was an avoidant. 🤔👀🧠💬
First time I've heard someone who's talking about an avoidant say, "the fact that they jumped into a new relationship so quickly shows how much work they have to do... ...Do you really want them back?"
Everyone else seems to be overly sympathetic to the avoidant mindset.
And many treat it as a "style". Its a disorder that one has to recover from.
I walked away, it hurts so much. But for some reason i feel free.
Me too it hurts but at the same I feel free
That means he was hurting more than helping you.
The worst feeling is when you find out your ex is an avoidant
Same 😢😢😢
Don't bite guys. If I can do the hard inner work to heal anxious attachment then anyone can. I learned self love and compassion so for that im grateful but no way am i going back to dysfunctional patterns.
Can you share what you did, to heal your anxious attachment 🙏
@@socialsamia1920 therapy and watching tons of RUclips videos like this. Like hours and hours of study
How do you overcome your attachment style? I don't even know what I'm meant to do
@OnMyGrindNowForever watched a ton of videos like this and therapy (EMDR). Teal Swan has a wonderful self-love course that helped also.
I just ended it finally and blocked him. The dismissive behavior is the most incomprehensible thing I ever saw in my life. I'm so glad that I can stop watching all those videos and to not deal with this DISORDER anymore. It isn't an attachment "style" , this is a disorder.
Yes, , you are right it is a disorder, mine ghosted ne when I was feeling secure with him.
@@ritapeters1330 they ghost all the time. You never know when they gonna ghost. Even if they tell you they will not ghost , they are gonna ghost. They don't see a problem with it. Be glad without him, really. They are destructive personalities and very very selfish
@@frostqueen4904 thank you , you are right I should forget about him, he already ghosted me last year ...now I felt so safe with him, never expected him doing this. It hurts so much . He made me feel loved. I cannot believe it and it hurts like hell. I am from Germany and I was in his country Slovenia.
@@frostqueen4904 thanks so much ❤ it still hurts but I'll stick to it, no contact
I wasn't anxious at all before i met an avoidant man and now that I'm single again, my sense of peace has returned 🥰 never again will i allow someone to cause me to feel so unwanted and so low because of their immense insecurities/low self esteem. They are onto the next one and im saying ✌️✌️
That is so true if what happened to me. I finally feel I have peace again and so relieved to no longer be constantly confused
They are the biggest headf**ks on the planet. I hated the feeling of crippling uncertainty, confusion & anxiety.
Same. Only seem to attract avoidants and it's great until it's not. More peace being on my own than trying with people who will not heal their attachment wounds.
Mine was onto the next the following day after the discard. They always have something lined up.
my ex reached out afther only 3 weeks , saying she was sorry for hurting me and the way she broke it off . i know she was sincere but she wanted to come back as a friend .
I accepted the apologies , told her it was the best thing in my life to happen .
and told her we cannot be friend and wished her health and happiness as she going through health disease .
and went back no contact . . . we are now on the 4th week . i keep working on myself and hoping for the best but i am okay if she won't come back obviously it gonna hurt but in the end i did grow already .
I just deeply hope she can do the self reflection on herself too and realize what she is willing to let go .
She told me a lot of events that happened in her childhood i 500% understand why she is the way she is as of today .
I don't want to fix her but i deeply wish from the bottom of my heart she can learn new ways to process things when we are back and me being so much more secure .
Thanks for your videos much love
So you’re hoping she wants the relationship still? You just don’t want to be friends?
@@tiffanyburke2785 I don't want the friendship , so yeah i deeply wish for it .
i believe we are soulmate or twin flame , no one in my life made me grow that much in a really positive way .
I know there more coming up for us , if she have the strength to work on herself by her own choice.
I'm her light in the darkness.
I still got work to do on my anxious style and will seek professional help to work on it.
Its because they're scared of being alone but will never tell you thats why they jump from one person to another and another. Thats how insecure they're
He is a dissmissive avoidant and i am secure. I tolerate his behavior for 8 years mostly because i hoped he would go to therapy. He dumped me 2 months ago after i peacefully asked him to stop projecting on me. He ghosted me lol. I did not try to find out anything nor contacted him.when they are gone you really realized how soul sucking those type of persons are. I hope him the best. Farrrrr away from me .
Thank you for sharing. It was 8 years for me and without any incident, she ghosted . Left me stranded and disoriented.
They are emotionally immature
No, it is the way they grow up !! Blame their parents, you are not born an avoidant !!
@@omartrachen6794bro I get it but they’re 21 years of age bro. They are an adult and it’s their responsibility to grow up. Otherwise they will be 30 and alone. A perfect example of this was a girl I used to work with. Beautiful, hardworking, but emotionally stunted, I was 18 she was 35, we ended up sleeping together. She slept with others at the job soon after. Getting into situationship after situationship. Haven’t spoke to her in years, she’s now 37. Eventually her looks will fade, she will be alone. It’s sad but if she would’ve self reflected earlier in life she could’ve brownie the cycle, now I doubt she ever will, or she will and it’ll be to late
Even when your feelings are still involved, it is necessary to take a step back and realize how you are not respecting yourself and how demeaning it would be to try to get a person back who discarded you. If you say you can't help it, you are flat out wrong - it is an OPPORTUNITY to have your own back. Take it
Today is the day that I, as a 41 year old man, realized that I'm terrible avoidant. 😢
you can change that bro, do it, you have won the first battle by owning it, no one is perfect
Being aware is the first step. Bravo.
It's been over a year, still hurts like hell how she treated me, I hate her more than anyone yet miss and hate these emotions I feel
It's over, but I find it hard to accept it, and there's a part of me that wants to reach out to her (half to tell her I hate her, half of me wants to tell her I miss her), man I'm fucked up
I know exactly how you are feeling. It’s painful.
Give yourself time…. Just don’t contact them.
Stay strong🌸🌸
From me, it helped working throught it. Emotionally I also want her back, but logically it wouldn't make any sense. Why would I want to be again with the person that treated me like dirt on their shoe, and I did absolutely everything for her. Try to forgive her, it will help you. I understood it was not her fault, she just had a hellish childhood that left her and emotional invalid. She didn't do it out of malice, same as a paraplegic is not malicious when they don't want to go for a run with you. She doesn't have the capacity. Now forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. You forgive just for yourself and never talk to her again. And then you move on. There are other great people out there with whom you can have a 10x more satisfying relationship then you ever had with that broken person that love bombed you and then dumped you like a pile of trash.
Don't hate the Person you once loved, your heart poured into creating that love, don't hate her, its unfair to your heart, let her go if that makes her happy. You can't make someone choose you. She lost you, the one who loved her. Let it be. Your life will go on, you'll always remember her but you'll learn to smile at your memories one day. Its okay my friend, its okay.
@ Those are beautiful wise words.
Why to torture yourself by creating Hatred? It just disturbs you n none else.
Create love n u will feel only love.
IM TELLING YOU, you have to tell them your boundaries, mine said she wants to focus on therapy and she was uncomfortable with me being around, I told her I loved her and she needs to do it for herself. I’m an anxious attachment so it hurt me a lot when she left but I know and feel she is doing what’s best for her, she still watches my stories even after asking for space. It does hurt but it will get better.
Did she reach out?
I honestly think they don’t go through this process at all. They bury so deep so they never access it and just avoid their feelings and accountability forever.
He broke up with me on Christmas. Ghosted me till Monday, was so robotic, cold, heartless just kept telling me he didn't feel anything, absolutely nothing at all. No concerns or care as I begged for him and sobbed hysterically. Now I understand why he isolates himself in a van 24/7.
Same story. Dumped me over the phone. Totally cold, 180 degrees shift, said she doesn't love me anymore, that she doesn't feel anything. I was sending heartbroken messages, she would not respond. In hindsight, there were plenty of red flags, plenty, but I just thought people come in all shapes and sizes and love will fix any problem we might have. WRONG
This happened to me over Christmas and new year too i feel completely devastated and traumatised
Hahaa! He didn't deserve u my dear in the first placee
Omg I’m going through the same thing. I’ve used that word so many times “Robotic.” Telling me as well he never felt anything that included love for me and never even thought of me. I couldnt take it anymore. He started packing his things yesterday for the 15th time but this time enough was enough. It was also the anniversary of my brothers passing who I was super close to… so for once this time I helped him pack ( more like threw his things beside the door) it felt good to finally get my emotions out instead of apologizing over and over but now the pain is really setting in. But I know I have to stay strong and stay no contact. It’s not easy. Especially when they’ve already mentally destroyed you so badly for years.
You just helped me so much. 6 years on/off with a DA, currently 3 months no contact, and dying inside. This video was exactly what I needed to hear. How you don’t have 5 million followers is crazy!! You’re amazing!
You’re seriously the best coach when it comes to handling DA!!! You should have way more followers!!!
If one needs to protect ourselves when the avoidant man decides to reach out or return, that's already tell you who's protecting who .
Sending much 💗
Your videos heal me. This one and the one about why the discard is so difficult. Thank you 😢
Yes, me too
I wish I could learn to avoid and bury my feelings deep then I wouldn’t be here watching these videos praying that he comes back
no u don't, thats unecessary stress lingering around in your nervous system that u dont need
Why would you want to go back to a person that put you trough all
That emotional
Abuse
Coach Ryan you are the best on avoidants, I like the way you explain them to us with broken hearts. Thank you ❤
Your wisdom has been invaluable in my beginning to heal. This is challenging stuff to process and move through. Having the intellectual explanation is quite sobering and ultimately strengthening. Thank you.
How are you doing rn?
He cheated throughout the marriage as he couldn’t cope. I left and three yrs later, he states he missed me and is in therapy. HE wants to date once a week and wants to be with others. No thanks. This is f’d. Give me my money and I’ll be on my way. No amount of counselling will help bring this boy out of the sandbox.
Crazy how you mentioned they like your story to bait you to message them I’m so happy I didn’t fall for the trap she hasn’t responded back to my text. The silent treatment/ stonewalling is very immature
Yeah, once we’re gone, we’ll come back swooping in, but it only lasts for one day or two then they’ll completely detach again. The cycle is horrible and frustrating and draining. ❤
I have been watching different videos on this subject, and yours are the most clear ones. Thank you
So frustrating I didn’t know that you would have to actually chase a man and initiate everything for them so backwards.. draining as well! A woman initiating everything but then when they barely talk to you, you don’t know whether or not you’re doing enough for them when it’s against your realms, actually initiate go above and beyond for somebody that barely shows feelings for you.. mindF
I should have stayed single.
My life is fucked.
Yeah same. She brainwashed me with her manipulation and I was just trying to love her
Because of her i found about myself. Imagine that...first time in my life, i'd rather help her than keep hate alive. After all, she did tell me about the youth and her issues she had with her mother, so indeed these people are damaged within. I hope one day we can talk about this because unfortunately i was blocked and my response was never even read, it's been 2.5 months already.
Thanks these words are calming after a second heartbreak from the same guy
I laid out the boundaries when she came back. She took them away, so I walked away
How long was it before she came back?
I keep watching your videos, they help me rethink before I try to reach them out 😢. It's painful, it really hurts. I still miss him though it's been 2 years now😢. Thank you so much for your support & empowering words& questions. Thx a lot. You're blessed 🤍
You are right, I love all your videos it making sense to compare other Avoidant 's videos.. I agree with you those Avoidant at the beginning is good and then slow fading one is hard .. those Avoidant should not have any relationship if they enjoy being avoidant why they 're seek out relationship in the end they going to discard people .. but I realized the hard lessons we should not allowed it .. do not enable their behaviour .. no matter how hard do not contact them is the right action for our own seek and well being! THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your videos and I love them all!
If I reflect on the experiences on my partner,
I am also a passing ship in the night just as she was to me. I don't need to chase down a broken person because I am probably depriving myself a better opportunities.
She broke up with me but it's been like 4 months and she started sending me messages how much she regret it but I can't seem to want her back anymore despite how I love her. It's just like. She left and broke our existing relationship and scrambled it like eggs. I have no clue what she did with herself in those 4 months. Seems she went and partied. Did whatever college life stuff. She hid that from my sight. But girls I know informed me of it. So it's just tough man. I guess she just gotta go have her cake. She cant have her cake and mine too.
After listening to these avoidant videos Ryan, I’m sure my ex was a huge avoidant. She gave me the most amazing compliments, encouragement, love, support over a one and a half year long distance relationship but recently, over a 2-3 week period, turned into a totally (in)different person, with no emotions or communication or commitment and simply walked out on me and I couldn’t believe if it was the same person that I knew over the past one and a half year. She just became totally emotionally deactivated. Interestingly though, eight days into our break up, she removed me from Instagram and Facebook (but left WhatsApp open). I couldn’t believe that a person who loved me so much could do that. Since then, I’ve been wondering what that means? Why would she not even want to stalk me or be curious to know what I’m doing? You mentioned they’d stalk you so just curious what my situation suggests.
My ex blocked me after month and a half after out breakup on facebook, although we ended on good terms(she broke up with me after 2 years) and she is an avoidant. I think that there isn't one copying mechanism for them. Removing and blocking is their way to try and move on and don't tempt to get back together I guess.
@@liranredl8036 that’s what hurts. As Ryan said, Avoidants have a tendency to come back but in our case they are consciously choosing to shut the door completely. Why? What’s pushing them to take such extreme measures that they don’t even wanna see us? That’s not the typical avoidant behaviour I guess.
@@SFW7 Yes it is. They feel shame every time they see your name/face. And they want to avoid the temptation of reaching out again.
@@fev0903 If they feel shame, why would they be tempted to reach out? Genuine question.
@@SFW7 It could be both, right? Missing the person or rather the dopamine hits that person gave them but also shame/guilt over what they did to them. And cutting ties completely might be one way of avoiding that.
very true, great seeing others sharing positively helpful content.
We broke up and got back together so many times over the year n half.
Love bombed me in the beginning.
Year and a half later she tells me to move on and that im a good looking guy and that i can have any woman. Kinda heart broken… almost a month no contact. Dont think she cares.. life goes on i guess. We also have the same friend group. Its tough. Id be shocked if she apologized and wanted to see me.
this was the best explanation I’ve heard to be honest
so he has stonewalled me now about 5 weeks, no discussion of breaking up, he walked away from me during a moment of me sharing a feeling, so I don't even know we are in one, I refuse to reach out to him due to hurtful words by him before he shut the door and walked away
mine did too - I expressed my feelings and he just ignored me and hasn't messaged me back since. (we are LDR). They walked away from me. No doubt they will rewrite history in their head that I was the one that ghosted them when it was really them. I feel like it's pointless reaching out. They've ignored my messages before I wrote a long expressing my feelings.
@@petitcoeur-q6r they will never admit it.. he’s had 3 family functions since, I wonder what he told his family
I refuse to reach out.. his last words to me “you’ve got issues” shuts the door
Five weeks ago and you don't know you are still in a relationship? Maybe you decide if you want to be in a relationship with this kind of person. Sounds to me he is history. Please give yourself all the love and respect❤ Wishing you well❤
I think it’s really childish for a grown man to act this way
two of my exes are like this. such a sad life to live
Well that was a tough pill to swallow, I was really hoping she wasn’t an avoidant but the ghosting and then the monkey branching…the lack of an ability to communicate
I happened upon your video by accident you explain in easy detail dealing with avoidant person sadly they are not happy people inside very insecure you have to setup boundaries tell them what you will or no longer put up with stay strong ladies never be afraid to walk away
My god.. her explanation leaving me was our characters and stuff stuff don't match.
I gave it all. I have anxious attachment. Trust me... I'm shattered in the pieces. Looks like end of the world..
Still while working on myself. My empathy goes more towards her. To help. She is also working on herself.
Her communication is so shitty.
I feel so abandoned.
It's been 8 days. She said she has completely moved on from our romantic relationship. She sees me as a friend. Even as a friend i was getting breadcrumbs of love and attention.
My self esteem is on lowest. I'm thinking of quittinh my job and work on myself heal myself properly then start something else.
I don't knoe why i miss all qualities in her. Independent, hahah but too are gone in that independence.
Ahhh.. date one avoidant and you are all set for a therapy.
Don't let this be a recurring event in your life. You don't have to get good at surviving break-ups. It's so easy to get lured towards disaster by beauty, charm and lust. Pay attention to what happened in the beginning.
It is so hard. You want it so badly that you are not seeing it clear. What is it what you miss? Her love? Of something else? The feeling of attention by someone? Again….it is hard. I know it is hard. Stil in the proces after 10 weeks of NC.
Best video I have heard on the subject!
Yes to min. 7:50. This is my experience with my ex-husband. He jumped quickly into a new relationship and he started to manifest nostalgia (sending old photographs to our children) and complimenting me. Really weird and immature.
Wow, another gem of a video, you are answering all my questions ❤❤❤ Thank you Coach Ryan.
I found this right on time.. awesome channel..
Wow. As a recovering avoidant myself, dating another avoidant, this really sheds light on everything. I fear hurting him now that I deeply understand why he deactivated. Not entirely, though, probably because he feels deeply understood by me. And that’s the truth.
But your video reminded me of how I was only able to start recovering from my own avoidant tendencies after my ex went completely silent on me. A few years later, he married someone else, never showing any availability to me again. I lost him for good. The process of healing was painful. I even ended up in the hospital from the emotional toll, despite barely reaching out to him.
I can understand if my current avoidant ex needs to go through a similar journey to heal. Maybe this is for the best. I just hope he won’t stay stuck in shame for too long. But I know I need to leave him for good so he can reflect and heal on his own.
Thank you for this reminder. 🙏🏼
Again i am the first to comment. Coach I deserve 1 hour of free coaching.
You’re getting free advice already. Stop being a deek
Your absolutely right my Dear sir , thank you for posting this , coz I'm one of the people who need to hear this rightnow ❤
She's a runner she's a track starrrrr
I'm going t9 sum up this 8:41min in ✌🏿seconds....fking mind games. Don't walk.....Run.
😂😂😂
Just, did my duty and finally i am relieved of it and will stay strong to not be available anymore
Tell me why should I pursue someone who discarded me out of the blue?
You shouldn't. Don't.
I wish i had ghosted him back when he blocked me on everything in the middle of a texting convo. Such a big red flag. It only got worse after me chasing him and trying to compromise.
You know the sad part of all of this is that it comes a day late and a dollar short.. .fuck'em
Yes, Coach Ryan, he actually used the word "pressure" with me.
Well it's not a safe relationship when you feel the need to protect yourself from someone. 🤷🏻♀️ That's gonna make you feel limerent and eventually lose your stability and sanity
This is the best video i watched about avoidents. Explains so well. I am curious if some one can develop dismissive avoident attachment style after a traumatic event happened in a previous relationship?
Of course its possible. Without fully understanding avoidant behavior, a secure person might get serious doubts about what to expect from other people in general. Its important to learn about avoidance and its manifestations, its not that hard. Most people are damaged and it is hard to find someone willing and healthy but only alternative is to be alone and one has to be ready to embrace that.
I realize that I gave my avoidant the same energy he gave me. If an avoidant is insecure and looking for me to reach out. Nope, not me. So I, as he sees me he sees me, sees me every Sunday. My NO CONTACT Whatever he is feeling means nothing to me. I'm not going to pacify an avoidant. I'm a grown a~~ woman. I'm in no need to fall at the need of an avoidant. He can watch and see my beauty every time. As I'm a child of God. If God chooses him for me. GOD will have to hunt me. Point Blank Periodod!!
he broke up with me two days ago, i blocked him, now he's sending me a friend request on FB? i don't understand these people...
You both sound young
@@remyd1984young and immature
You just nail it. In all of your videos.
Actually I told a guy that I am distancing myself until he dealt with his problems and grow up
Play time is over
Emotionally stunted
Smh😅
Relief..
They take a while to reach out. In my current case, it's been more than three months without a beep from her. But the time is useful to think of them from a more neutral perspective.
Constructive criticism coach: you really need to turn up the volume for your videos (or hire someone to do that for you)
Thanks!
I clicked your bell I am a new subscribers keep up the great video truly informative
Am certain he's experiencing passion with another...period
Sometimes I think that. But not so sure.
Brilliant spot on great advice
I’m in the bread crumbing stage. He’s watching my stories. He finally accepted an old friend request from my daughter. I’m not playing games. But I am hopeful for his return. But we had a very confusing back and forth relationship. It’s only been 2 weeks. Sigh. I don’t think he feels the pain. I’m sure he’s out dating.
We feel the pain, why should they not feel it? I think they do.
This makes sense, for an avoidant.
Perfect way to end the video!
He does have a counselor who comes to see him once a week. I just found this out the other night. Thing is..the counseling wasn't his idea. He's living in an assisted facility, due to neuropathy in his legs and feet. His health, as well as his behavior, is complicated by..alcoholism. So, the facility wanted him to start counseling. He agreed to it, but, in his words, the only reason was because he "doesn't like to make waves."
I asked him if he's, you know, truly working with the guy. Or just..maybe cooperating to, well, like he said, to not make waves.
I wish I could be more involved. He just kind of drops these bits of information, but doesn't say much more. So, I have no idea if he's telling me this to..honestly share he's trying to get help, without making a big deal of it/for his pride. Or..just dangling it in front of me to..keep me connected, even if it's just on the back-burner.
Great video
Hey Coach Ryan,
Can you please explain what an avoidant could be feeling once they are blocked on all social media platforms? Because i will be doing that
They will be pissed and make fake profiles to lurk, but they will say nothing
My avoidant found an extremely young girl to help him get over him pushing ME away 😉 it seems it wasn’t emotional avoidance that bothered him it was that I was much older than what he prefers 🤷♀️
My experience too! They are so immature!
@@segri3697 it isn’t the immaturity tbh. We can all be silly and act daft sometimes….its the absolute disrespect and disregard for someone they were supposed to “ care” about. The fact I feel it’s just wrong a 60 year old man chasing a 27 year old girl 🤢.
@@karen2670 I understand! My ex DA was unfaithful with much younger woman and I felt that he saw himself as being so much younger.. thats what I mean with immature. But what matter is that they hurt people. Deeply!
I think the "I'm too busy these days" goes in the same category, isn't it?
Yes
Yes in those lines every one is telling you with some sort of changes but time and space is the holy gral 😅😅
I notice all of your videos talk about what an DA does or will do and you always say “because they ended the relationship “.
Well what about when you ended it because you gave and gave and tried to talk and connect and it got worse and then they did something they shouldn’t have done (plus all the manipulation and bread crumbing and love bombing) . So you said forget it! I’m out.
And yeah already in another relationship and moved her in(pretty sure he cheated with this same person) but says “ I didn’t plan this “.
Yeah right
Thank you for your advice 💯
This is narcisistic!
I’d still take my FA back
Bless your heart
You value someone who could care less about you more than you value yourself.
@@michaella5799 ouch. But yeah needed to hear that.
How does this change when the avoidant has been dumped?
Yep… I’m interested too.. I think leaving them stuns them tho
@@thendebele in what way do you mean it stuns them? I do think that mine didn't actually realize the impending loss/abandonment until it happens. They probably feel blindsighted by it even if the writings were on the wall and you tried to communicate that certain dynamics can become an irreconcileable misalignment. What I wonder is how quickly they will realize it's of their own making, if they realize that at all. I separated from my DA in a very secure manner and we had multiple conversations that contextualize and offered understanding about why the separation was becoming necessary, but he tried to persuade me into remaining in the status quo without offering anything substantional regarding the dealbreakers I wasn't condoning any longer.
What if the person already monkey-branched to someone else? Also, in the three months we’ve been apart my ex hasn’t reached out. Even right after we broke up, he didn’t have the decency to check in. He just ghosted. Never will hear from him again.
Consider it a blessing as you don't need that headache. Use the time to heal your attachment issue. I did ❤
Yeah, I'm 64 and just realized I am an avoidant in a relationship with one. No wonder nothing ever happens 😅
exactly ! Dont be so afraid to make "anything" happen... Whenever both get bored it will happen at the right time, enjoy while you are in the way...
Explains so much..
Why cant being upfront just be enough. At this point its just playing games. I remember once i was told shes not the callrr but the called. But when we first met she called me everyday than began bread crumbing and falling off the face of the earth.
Thank you so much.
Are those stages the same if it's the parter that stops the relationship during the "post discard friendship" with a "come back when you decide to work on yourself", or are there some differences? Thank you for your work 💛
What happens if the anxious had dumped the avoidant prior for a few days?
She will try to contact you after 3-4 days
Or in many months. A lot of my friends are avoidants, and so we're both of my grandma's and late great aunt. It was like a mood ring. It's not a great ride. They ALWAYS come back after they're burned by someone. @@adryangalileu4611
What if you hurt her and she said she don't want nothing to do with me?
Same here and I feel awful 😥
@@CallmezOchi have u tried no contact?
Why some avoidants are extremely into religion?
Because we can't hide from God (and yes, we tried and failed). Even a relationship with God is painful.
it's a connection that does not demand physical presence or human emotion
I noticed this as well
I Ignore's last two texts, he just dosent care and isn't bothered. So guess he never cared at all
But you were the one who ignored his last two texts?
Yes that's it...I want to be like toilet paper to him. 😅
thank you.
Mine moved on before he broke up with me. He was cheating! He told me he is going to marry and start a family with her.
😢
Mine created aswell and then startet s realtionship with her right after me Findung out
It is so painful to endure their discarding, to end up seeing them moving on and being able to commit with someone else when they couldn't with you, marrying and having children. As if you were a simple thing of the past and your feelings and dreams didn't matter at all. 💔
That's so freaking evil, I'm sorry.