Even when your feelings are still involved, it is necessary to take a step back and realize how you are not respecting yourself and how demeaning it would be to try to get a person back who discarded you. If you say you can't help it, you are flat out wrong - it is an OPPORTUNITY to have your own back. Take it
I just ended it finally and blocked him. The dismissive behavior is the most incomprehensible thing I ever saw in my life. I'm so glad that I can stop watching all those videos and to not deal with this DISORDER anymore. It isn't an attachment "style" , this is a disorder.
@@ritapeters1330 they ghost all the time. You never know when they gonna ghost. Even if they tell you they will not ghost , they are gonna ghost. They don't see a problem with it. Be glad without him, really. They are destructive personalities and very very selfish
@@frostqueen4904 thank you , you are right I should forget about him, he already ghosted me last year ...now I felt so safe with him, never expected him doing this. It hurts so much . He made me feel loved. I cannot believe it and it hurts like hell. I am from Germany and I was in his country Slovenia.
I wasn't anxious at all before i met an avoidant man and now that I'm single again, my sense of peace has returned 🥰 never again will i allow someone to cause me to feel so unwanted and so low because of their immense insecurities/low self esteem. They are onto the next one and im saying ✌️✌️
Guys, gals, etc, quit trying to understand avoidants and just move on. I got dumped by an avoidant (or honestly very possibly a narc) back in July. We did the whole NC thing for 3 months, bumped back into each other, talked for a month, hung out, made out, she spent the night at my house twice, told me all these things about how she would be “sick to her stomach” if she saw me with with another woman, etc. she spent last Saturday night at my house, we woke up and cuddled, again, she told me how much I meant to her only to tell me three days later once again that “she doesn’t think we’re a good fit romantically” and even went further to say that she DOESNT want to be friends, “at least not in this time.” The hot/cold from these people is fucking insane. Maybe she’s an avoidant, maybe she’s a narc, but if it’s that hard to tell the difference, does it really matter? Save yourself the trouble and find someone who doesn’t have mommy/daddy issues, which is really all “avoidant” is. Just a euphemism for daddy issues in this case. They are severely damaged because they weren’t properly loved growing up and frankly, their behavior will infect you and make you question your own worth and whether or not you’re capable of being loved yourself. Quit trying to understand them and just move on
Amen brother. You nailed it 💯🎯 - distinguishing whether or not they are a narc or avoidant is time / energy / soul consuming - like you said they are just unhealthy unhealed selfish people that will never grow up or respect others.
@@tanziha she told me she was, then we got drunk and were talking about it one night and was like “I don’t even believe in all that attachment theory bullshit. Everyone has their own unique ways of attachment.” She’s avoidant to the point that she avoids even talking about being avoidant. She told me that she was in therapy to “learn a more secure attachment style” and then I found out later that she was in some bullshit “hypnosis therapy” and she said “well, talk therapy just doesn’t work for me” and I guessing again, because the therapist wants to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about. Thats why she’ll never heal and ultimately after discard #2 from her, I just blocked her and never looked back
@@omartrachen6794bro I get it but they’re 21 years of age bro. They are an adult and it’s their responsibility to grow up. Otherwise they will be 30 and alone. A perfect example of this was a girl I used to work with. Beautiful, hardworking, but emotionally stunted, I was 18 she was 35, we ended up sleeping together. She slept with others at the job soon after. Getting into situationship after situationship. Haven’t spoke to her in years, she’s now 37. Eventually her looks will fade, she will be alone. It’s sad but if she would’ve self reflected earlier in life she could’ve brownie the cycle, now I doubt she ever will, or she will and it’ll be to late
Your wisdom has been invaluable in my beginning to heal. This is challenging stuff to process and move through. Having the intellectual explanation is quite sobering and ultimately strengthening. Thank you.
He is a dissmissive avoidant and i am secure. I tolerate his behavior for 8 years mostly because i hoped he would go to therapy. He dumped me 2 months ago after i peacefully asked him to stop projecting on me. He ghosted me lol. I did not try to find out anything nor contacted him.when they are gone you really realized how soul sucking those type of persons are. I hope him the best. Farrrrr away from me .
I keep watching your videos, they help me rethink before I try to reach them out 😢. It's painful, it really hurts. I still miss him though it's been 2 years now😢. Thank you so much for your support & empowering words& questions. Thx a lot. You're blessed 🤍
my ex reached out afther only 3 weeks , saying she was sorry for hurting me and the way she broke it off . i know she was sincere but she wanted to come back as a friend . I accepted the apologies , told her it was the best thing in my life to happen . and told her we cannot be friend and wished her health and happiness as she going through health disease . and went back no contact . . . we are now on the 4th week . i keep working on myself and hoping for the best but i am okay if she won't come back obviously it gonna hurt but in the end i did grow already . I just deeply hope she can do the self reflection on herself too and realize what she is willing to let go . She told me a lot of events that happened in her childhood i 500% understand why she is the way she is as of today . I don't want to fix her but i deeply wish from the bottom of my heart she can learn new ways to process things when we are back and me being so much more secure . Thanks for your videos much love
@@tiffanyburke2785 I don't want the friendship , so yeah i deeply wish for it . i believe we are soulmate or twin flame , no one in my life made me grow that much in a really positive way . I know there more coming up for us , if she have the strength to work on herself by her own choice. I'm her light in the darkness. I still got work to do on my anxious style and will seek professional help to work on it.
You are right, I love all your videos it making sense to compare other Avoidant 's videos.. I agree with you those Avoidant at the beginning is good and then slow fading one is hard .. those Avoidant should not have any relationship if they enjoy being avoidant why they 're seek out relationship in the end they going to discard people .. but I realized the hard lessons we should not allowed it .. do not enable their behaviour .. no matter how hard do not contact them is the right action for our own seek and well being! THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your videos and I love them all!
Yeah, once we’re gone, we’ll come back swooping in, but it only lasts for one day or two then they’ll completely detach again. The cycle is horrible and frustrating and draining. ❤
He cheated throughout the marriage as he couldn’t cope. I left and three yrs later, he states he missed me and is in therapy. HE wants to date once a week and wants to be with others. No thanks. This is f’d. Give me my money and I’ll be on my way. No amount of counselling will help bring this boy out of the sandbox.
So frustrating I didn’t know that you would have to actually chase a man and initiate everything for them so backwards.. draining as well! A woman initiating everything but then when they barely talk to you, you don’t know whether or not you’re doing enough for them when it’s against your realms, actually initiate go above and beyond for somebody that barely shows feelings for you.. mindF
Its because they're scared of being alone but will never tell you thats why they jump from one person to another and another. Thats how insecure they're
Crazy how you mentioned they like your story to bait you to message them I’m so happy I didn’t fall for the trap she hasn’t responded back to my text. The silent treatment/ stonewalling is very immature
She broke up with me but it's been like 4 months and she started sending me messages how much she regret it but I can't seem to want her back anymore despite how I love her. It's just like. She left and broke our existing relationship and scrambled it like eggs. I have no clue what she did with herself in those 4 months. Seems she went and partied. Did whatever college life stuff. She hid that from my sight. But girls I know informed me of it. So it's just tough man. I guess she just gotta go have her cake. She cant have her cake and mine too.
We broke up and got back together so many times over the year n half. Love bombed me in the beginning. Year and a half later she tells me to move on and that im a good looking guy and that i can have any woman. Kinda heart broken… almost a month no contact. Dont think she cares.. life goes on i guess. We also have the same friend group. Its tough. Id be shocked if she apologized and wanted to see me.
Well that was a tough pill to swallow, I was really hoping she wasn’t an avoidant but the ghosting and then the monkey branching…the lack of an ability to communicate
After listening to these avoidant videos Ryan, I’m sure my ex was a huge avoidant. She gave me the most amazing compliments, encouragement, love, support over a one and a half year long distance relationship but recently, over a 2-3 week period, turned into a totally (in)different person, with no emotions or communication or commitment and simply walked out on me and I couldn’t believe if it was the same person that I knew over the past one and a half year. She just became totally emotionally deactivated. Interestingly though, eight days into our break up, she removed me from Instagram and Facebook (but left WhatsApp open). I couldn’t believe that a person who loved me so much could do that. Since then, I’ve been wondering what that means? Why would she not even want to stalk me or be curious to know what I’m doing? You mentioned they’d stalk you so just curious what my situation suggests.
My ex blocked me after month and a half after out breakup on facebook, although we ended on good terms(she broke up with me after 2 years) and she is an avoidant. I think that there isn't one copying mechanism for them. Removing and blocking is their way to try and move on and don't tempt to get back together I guess.
@@liranredl8036 that’s what hurts. As Ryan said, Avoidants have a tendency to come back but in our case they are consciously choosing to shut the door completely. Why? What’s pushing them to take such extreme measures that they don’t even wanna see us? That’s not the typical avoidant behaviour I guess.
@@SFW7 It could be both, right? Missing the person or rather the dopamine hits that person gave them but also shame/guilt over what they did to them. And cutting ties completely might be one way of avoiding that.
So he cheated on someone who had no plans to hurt him in order to protect himself? Wow what a guy. My wife cheated on me most of our relationship because she “was never in love with me”. Despite 8 years of dating me, telling me she wanted to unzip my skin to crawl in and forced me to drive home shirtless more times than I can count just so she could smell my shirts when I left. Definitely never in love 😂. People say the craziest stuff to justify their abhorrent behavior. I’m sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that pain.
@@johnsonjj117 makes you wonder why these people are even in a relationship or try to be in a relationship So messed up and hurting people in the process
@ They lack self realization and self respect so they latch on to someone they know will make a great spouse and parent and suck them dry like a parasite before moving on.
I wish i had ghosted him back when he blocked me on everything in the middle of a texting convo. Such a big red flag. It only got worse after me chasing him and trying to compromise.
Don't bite guys. If I can do the hard inner work to heal anxious attachment then anyone can. I learned self love and compassion so for that im grateful but no way am i going back to dysfunctional patterns.
so he has stonewalled me now about 5 weeks, no discussion of breaking up, he walked away from me during a moment of me sharing a feeling, so I don't even know we are in one, I refuse to reach out to him due to hurtful words by him before he shut the door and walked away
mine did too - I expressed my feelings and he just ignored me and hasn't messaged me back since. (we are LDR). They walked away from me. No doubt they will rewrite history in their head that I was the one that ghosted them when it was really them. I feel like it's pointless reaching out. They've ignored my messages before I wrote a long expressing my feelings.
@@petitcoeur-q6r they will never admit it.. he’s had 3 family functions since, I wonder what he told his family I refuse to reach out.. his last words to me “you’ve got issues” shuts the door
Five weeks ago and you don't know you are still in a relationship? Maybe you decide if you want to be in a relationship with this kind of person. Sounds to me he is history. Please give yourself all the love and respect❤ Wishing you well❤
Hey Coach Ryan, Can you please explain what an avoidant could be feeling once they are blocked on all social media platforms? Because i will be doing that
Yes to min. 7:50. This is my experience with my ex-husband. He jumped quickly into a new relationship and he started to manifest nostalgia (sending old photographs to our children) and complimenting me. Really weird and immature.
My ex was perfect. I made a lot of mistakes, let my pain bleed onto him was critical and passive. He blindsided me saying he didn't see a future and was romantically detached and that we were toxic. 2 days before he said he loved me and we will be ok. Feel i lost the best thing i ever had. I'm broken. He was so good to me
They take a while to reach out. In my current case, it's been more than three months without a beep from her. But the time is useful to think of them from a more neutral perspective. Constructive criticism coach: you really need to turn up the volume for your videos (or hire someone to do that for you)
I realize that I gave my avoidant the same energy he gave me. If an avoidant is insecure and looking for me to reach out. Nope, not me. So I, as he sees me he sees me, sees me every Sunday. My NO CONTACT Whatever he is feeling means nothing to me. I'm not going to pacify an avoidant. I'm a grown a~~ woman. I'm in no need to fall at the need of an avoidant. He can watch and see my beauty every time. As I'm a child of God. If God chooses him for me. GOD will have to hunt me. Point Blank Periodod!!
Well it's not a safe relationship when you feel the need to protect yourself from someone. 🤷🏻♀️ That's gonna make you feel limerent and eventually lose your stability and sanity
First time I've heard someone who's talking about an avoidant say, "the fact that they jumped into a new relationship so quickly shows how much work they have to do... ...Do you really want them back?" Everyone else seems to be overly sympathetic to the avoidant mindset.
I’m in the bread crumbing stage. He’s watching my stories. He finally accepted an old friend request from my daughter. I’m not playing games. But I am hopeful for his return. But we had a very confusing back and forth relationship. It’s only been 2 weeks. Sigh. I don’t think he feels the pain. I’m sure he’s out dating.
He does have a counselor who comes to see him once a week. I just found this out the other night. Thing is..the counseling wasn't his idea. He's living in an assisted facility, due to neuropathy in his legs and feet. His health, as well as his behavior, is complicated by..alcoholism. So, the facility wanted him to start counseling. He agreed to it, but, in his words, the only reason was because he "doesn't like to make waves." I asked him if he's, you know, truly working with the guy. Or just..maybe cooperating to, well, like he said, to not make waves. I wish I could be more involved. He just kind of drops these bits of information, but doesn't say much more. So, I have no idea if he's telling me this to..honestly share he's trying to get help, without making a big deal of it/for his pride. Or..just dangling it in front of me to..keep me connected, even if it's just on the back-burner.
Thank you so much. Are those stages the same if it's the parter that stops the relationship during the "post discard friendship" with a "come back when you decide to work on yourself", or are there some differences? Thank you for your work 💛
What if the person already monkey-branched to someone else? Also, in the three months we’ve been apart my ex hasn’t reached out. Even right after we broke up, he didn’t have the decency to check in. He just ghosted. Never will hear from him again.
@@thendebele in what way do you mean it stuns them? I do think that mine didn't actually realize the impending loss/abandonment until it happens. They probably feel blindsighted by it even if the writings were on the wall and you tried to communicate that certain dynamics can become an irreconcileable misalignment. What I wonder is how quickly they will realize it's of their own making, if they realize that at all. I separated from my DA in a very secure manner and we had multiple conversations that contextualize and offered understanding about why the separation was becoming necessary, but he tried to persuade me into remaining in the status quo without offering anything substantional regarding the dealbreakers I wasn't condoning any longer.
Well for me it’s been a few years since they ghosted. They were still going back and forth, but then we had a couple texts and they didn’t reply. Not a word radio silence. Til two months ago a friend of theirs I hadn’t met but had heard about liked a post of mine. I dunno. I don’t think that’s enough to say this avoidant misses me but I assume they had the friend check my page. True avoidant fashion lmao. Nope!
Why cant being upfront just be enough. At this point its just playing games. I remember once i was told shes not the callrr but the called. But when we first met she called me everyday than began bread crumbing and falling off the face of the earth.
Or in many months. A lot of my friends are avoidants, and so we're both of my grandma's and late great aunt. It was like a mood ring. It's not a great ride. They ALWAYS come back after they're burned by someone. @@adryangalileu4611
My avoidant found an extremely young girl to help him get over him pushing ME away 😉 it seems it wasn’t emotional avoidance that bothered him it was that I was much older than what he prefers 🤷♀️
@@segri3697 it isn’t the immaturity tbh. We can all be silly and act daft sometimes….its the absolute disrespect and disregard for someone they were supposed to “ care” about. The fact I feel it’s just wrong a 60 year old man chasing a 27 year old girl 🤢.
@@karen2670 I understand! My ex DA was unfaithful with much younger woman and I felt that he saw himself as being so much younger.. thats what I mean with immature. But what matter is that they hurt people. Deeply!
Everything was Fine before class holidays, she was Sweet, did go out with me and all. But mid vacation inútil classes started again she got more and more distant. A bad thing happens in her life, and she said she wanted some time. We were only texting now, and It was just short, cold messages she Gave. She didnt seem upset with her friend, but i let some time pass anyway. I finally couldnt hold It anymore and tried tô ask her whats wrong, we ended up discussing, her avoiding any talk and saying I was too attached (which was probably true). We ended up breaking anything we had, and I tried to ignore her so I wouldnt feel more hurt, but she insisted we kept as friends. When i finally accepts It, in the matter of hours she asks me If x's friend is single, which I replied idk and why, which she responds she is attracted to him. She's a b*, knows How i feel about her and she Just didnt Care to come and tell me that. I went on whats with x and asked him If his friend had a gf, he answered no, but then I asked If she hooked UP with a girl recently, which he Said yes, but unfortunately didnt give details. I knows its wrong, but i deleted the "no, he doesnt have a gf" and the Hook up part, so It seemed he Said that yes, he had Someone already. I showed her the textos after I Talked a bit, trying not to raise suspicion, and idk If she believed. Anyway, she liked a Photo on his Instagram and he did the same to hers. Either she didnt Care he was compromised or didnt fall for It. I am wrong at trying this, but she still is an unsensitive being, crushing my heart even after I accepted to keep contacto after she didnt want to be with me anymore
Nah dude, you don't deserve that, she's absolutely cold and doesn't care about your feelings so you shouldn't care about hers whatsoever! I can't believe she would do that in your face like that and even dare ask you if x was single, unbelievable.
Does no contact work on a DA ex if I took a year and a half before I told him not to contact me anymore and started no contact? He sent me a breadcrumb at 30 days which I ignored and then it was his bday at 45days NC so I sent a best wishes bday message (just to be respectful because he does still pay some bills for me too) he replied thank you as I expected he would (neither of us tried to engage more) that was 3 days ago. Did that reset the clock on no contact? Do you think he is still experiencing the same things you describe in this video that apply to a more recent break up? We were together for 10yrs but never lived together before he ended it. He still pays my rent but doesn’t want to see me at all anymore (he makes excuses as to why like he is too busy or tired. He won’t say directly he doesn’t like me or want me to leave him alone he just says he cant have a healthy relationship anymore so I assume he is dating someone else and doesn’t want to tell me for some reason)
@@devonjahnjez You think? I can see it resetting the no contact time but I don’t think he has any upper hand. He sent me a breadcrumb a few hours after I sent the bday message which I ignored, and another breadcrumb a week later which I ignored. (His breadcrumbs say he has been thinking of me and he gives updates on his life) I have not replied, so how does he have the upper hand? I feel like I breadcrumbed him with the bday message in a way.
@@Ella89zxxif he’s still paying your bills, you’re still connected in some way yes? I would say that is a way to still have contact. Even if you’re not speaking.
@@tiffanyburke2785 Yes I worry it does still make him feel we are in contact but I have ignored his breadcrumb messages and now its been 2 since his last breadcrumb
It is so painful to endure their discarding, to end up seeing them moving on and being able to commit with someone else when they couldn't with you, marrying and having children. As if you were a simple thing of the past and your feelings and dreams didn't matter at all. 💔
I am certain that the one I had in my life, didn't even love me to begin with, and I am not sure he is capable of loving anyway. So perhaps what you are saying is applicable only to those that have actually feelings and skills to love. How many emotionally unavailable are like this though? (Genuine question)
I read a the opening comment on TikTok earlier. I’ll summarize it: “They don’t actually fall for you. They need an ego boost and dopamine. When you expect anything real they drop you and on to the next.” Brutal but true. Only sociopaths could feed on people like that.
@@Kavilion interesting even if I have a feeling the situation might be more nuanced than this. I am starting to think of them as being stuck at a specific emotional maturity level, maybe one more attached to Ego, or to projected images than the reality
Fearful avoidants are sociopaths, mine ghosted me when I felt secure with him. I had felt his love, but now think he cannot have loved me when ghosting me .
One thing that confuses me is, when they abuse their partner, are unkind or non-empathic, is it because they hide their feelings and don't/can't access them, or because they really don't love the person and couldn't care less? Because avoidants don't lie like narcissist do. Still, I know it is bad enough for them to abuse, but you could think about giving the person a second chance if they love you, even if they have issues acknowledging their feelings, as the love is there. A totally different story if there is no love in their heart.
@@namarievenstarthat is a good question which cannot be answered 😢 my F/A + covert traits is ghosting me 7th week ...thought he loved me but then how can he do this to me?
Would I be advised to do no contact if our relationship was only 2 months long but was very loving and intense? Nothing bad happened, she just one day was pulling away after a previous day of being super close, intimate, and she just said " She didn't think she could do this " She cried and I let her drive off and have been NC for 4 days now.
Ok same situation here! Wondering if there was a situation that was a short dating experience here. Mine went silent for a few hours and next thing I know, I get a text saying he is overwhelmed with work and he is really sorry. So far NC for 45 days and nothing
We need to realize that this could cone from anyone unfortunately, it has been very painful but I need to stop hitting on me trying to find reasons on what did I do to cause this. I need to think I am not perfect, I did the best and if they don’t want to put effort into it it’s not my fault
Let her go before you get yourself deep in this sh*t. My avoidant told me in the honeymoon stage that he has tendency to pull off from love ones. I thought he is very self aware, that’s a good thing. Now 4 years in the relationship, I have to NC him because bare minimum is too much for him, no future no communication, you can’t win with these people.
This is so true! I got ghosted all of a sudden out of nowhere and I am positive there was an affair involved too. I baited her when I told her that I had a date after all the messaging and no reply. Then as a bit of a narcissist myself, told her I slept with a woman too! I refuse to empower any longer. When you poop on someone you might not like the smell.
how can you really be sure that she's cheating? lol she's ghosting you doesn't mean she cheated.. it may also have to do with your behavior that lead them to that or there are other things that lead her to not trust you i ghosted a person because he showed me he didn't care about my feelings and i felt not valuable to him and i didn't want to be angry and lash out and as a way of protecting myself, i walked away.. why would i chase a person who has other priorities and can't stand up for a relationship? you also said you have a bit of narcissistic tendency lol maybe it's time to self reflect and figure out what you want instead of assuming things out of thin air and being so stuck in your head you can't distinguish reality and fantasy?
Nah it doesn’t register for them and this is coming from an avoidant who refuses to monkey branch you are out of sight and out of mind for them so to speak
We are literally howling with laughter - that salmon sticking out of his ears has got to be the funniest thing on RUclips. I’ve forwarded it to all my friends so they can watch with the sound turned off. Hilarious.
Me, an avoidant, with an anxious partner who will not let me go, threatens to unalive himself if I leave, cries, begs, yells, guilt-trips, and makes me feel ike absolute shitte, thinking about showing this video to him so he'll believe that letting me finally go will actually bring me back. *wink wink .
He is not normal, but neither is sending him this video to attempt to manipulate him into leaving to give him false hope. He definitely needs help though and that behavior isn't excuseable.
@@cindyanne11I actually think that might be a good idea. He is addicted to you in a way and he needs no contact with you for at least 2 months I think to get a hold of himself. Sending him no contact videos that say u need 6months no contact from avoidants and you need to work on yourself to get an avoidant back might help. I don’t think its a bad idea he needs to get a hold of himself
then STOP playing with peoples feelings. BE ALONE! it is not funny! Avoidants are jerks who need therapy and grow up. You're stuck in Junior High mode. I feel sorry for you. COWARDS 🤣
@@monicaprado2890Exactly. A bunch of third rate, man/woman-child cowards. Never grew up, mommy and daddy didn't love them. And now, they seek that "spark" from others, and then move on since they never find it, no matter how hard they try.
@@monicaprado2890 Touched a nerve I see ))) But it's not a manipulation, so please stop lumping avoidance with narcissism, though they can go comorbid.
@@en0iaIf you don't confront your feelings and SPEAK your damn mind but still participate in dating then it doesn't matter. The end result is the same. Narcisistic abuse of people who actually CAN love you.
I am so amused by your videos as an avoidant. Why don’t you just teach people how to communicate with an avoidant? Like asking them how much closeness they are comfortable with? And if that isn’t what you want leave. I have felt huge relief once I’ve discarded and I definitely never felt curious. If someone triggers my avoidant behaviours I know it’s a compatibility thing and 100% they weren’t right for me. We are not intentionally going round ‘breaking hearts’ it’s just a mismatch of needs and we aren’t good at communicating or ending the relationship in a healthier manner. ruclips.net/video/GMww0zhufbs/видео.htmlsi=NM9JaTnwU_fmzVdq
I mean, then isn’t that really on you to try to improve? I mean whenever I am not acting or behaving in a healthy manner, I choose to try to fix myself
@@johnsonjj117 100% now through therapy I know better so do better. All coach Ryan’s videos seemed to be aimed at people trying to win over an avoidant. Looking at us with contempt and playing games like going no contact with the hope of getting us back isn’t going to get someone with anxious attachment very far long term. I don’t sit around slatting people with anxious attachment once I have walked away I have already accepted we are not a good match. Heidi priebe has much more compassionate and useful videos for growth.
@roxy7255 haha same. I literally have never in my life felt guilt or shame for leaving a relationship. More like shame for staying with them too long because I was trying to be nice and not break a gentle person's heart instead of being honest about how annoying their clinginess was. This guy is preying on people with anxious attachment, making them think that they can do something to get us back. Also I love how he talks about avoidants needing therapy but he's happy to keep feeding his audience what they want to hear instead of reccomending they work on their anxiety and how that can drive away other people including secure types. None of us are trying to apologize and get someone back lol. The relief of finally getting away from a control freak is everlasting. Me being curious and reaching out to someone I've left sounds about as appealing as putting a 💩 back up my 🍑
![Coheed and Cambria - Searching for Tomorrow [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hDsYGLbmadg/mqdefault.jpg)
She won’t reach out. Even if she did… I wouldn’t take her back. I did my best and she still ran away. I’m on to better things.
I can relate, man, keep your head high, and find someone who will love you back.
Just get a dog and be happy. Woof !
Same for me
Ask yourself why you want to date an emotionally dead passed around stump.
I walked away, it hurts so much. But for some reason i feel free.
Me too it hurts but at the same I feel free
That means he was hurting more than helping you.
You’re seriously the best coach when it comes to handling DA!!! You should have way more followers!!!
Even when your feelings are still involved, it is necessary to take a step back and realize how you are not respecting yourself and how demeaning it would be to try to get a person back who discarded you. If you say you can't help it, you are flat out wrong - it is an OPPORTUNITY to have your own back. Take it
I just ended it finally and blocked him. The dismissive behavior is the most incomprehensible thing I ever saw in my life. I'm so glad that I can stop watching all those videos and to not deal with this DISORDER anymore. It isn't an attachment "style" , this is a disorder.
Yes, , you are right it is a disorder, mine ghosted ne when I was feeling secure with him.
@@ritapeters1330 they ghost all the time. You never know when they gonna ghost. Even if they tell you they will not ghost , they are gonna ghost. They don't see a problem with it. Be glad without him, really. They are destructive personalities and very very selfish
@@frostqueen4904 thank you , you are right I should forget about him, he already ghosted me last year ...now I felt so safe with him, never expected him doing this. It hurts so much . He made me feel loved. I cannot believe it and it hurts like hell. I am from Germany and I was in his country Slovenia.
@@frostqueen4904 thanks so much ❤ it still hurts but I'll stick to it, no contact
Coach Ryan you are the best on avoidants, I like the way you explain them to us with broken hearts. Thank you ❤
I wasn't anxious at all before i met an avoidant man and now that I'm single again, my sense of peace has returned 🥰 never again will i allow someone to cause me to feel so unwanted and so low because of their immense insecurities/low self esteem. They are onto the next one and im saying ✌️✌️
That is so true if what happened to me. I finally feel I have peace again and so relieved to no longer be constantly confused
They are the biggest headf**ks on the planet. I hated the feeling of crippling uncertainty, confusion & anxiety.
Your videos heal me. This one and the one about why the discard is so difficult. Thank you 😢
Yes, me too
Guys, gals, etc, quit trying to understand avoidants and just move on.
I got dumped by an avoidant (or honestly very possibly a narc) back in July. We did the whole NC thing for 3 months, bumped back into each other, talked for a month, hung out, made out, she spent the night at my house twice, told me all these things about how she would be “sick to her stomach” if she saw me with with another woman, etc. she spent last Saturday night at my house, we woke up and cuddled, again, she told me how much I meant to her only to tell me three days later once again that “she doesn’t think we’re a good fit romantically” and even went further to say that she DOESNT want to be friends, “at least not in this time.”
The hot/cold from these people is fucking insane. Maybe she’s an avoidant, maybe she’s a narc, but if it’s that hard to tell the difference, does it really matter? Save yourself the trouble and find someone who doesn’t have mommy/daddy issues, which is really all “avoidant” is. Just a euphemism for daddy issues in this case.
They are severely damaged because they weren’t properly loved growing up and frankly, their behavior will infect you and make you question your own worth and whether or not you’re capable of being loved yourself. Quit trying to understand them and just move on
Amen brother. You nailed it 💯🎯 - distinguishing whether or not they are a narc or avoidant is time / energy / soul consuming - like you said they are just unhealthy unhealed selfish people that will never grow up or respect others.
She is a fearful-avoidant or disorganized. It's a blend of worst qualities of both anxious and avoidant.
Spot on mate
@@tanziha she told me she was, then we got drunk and were talking about it one night and was like “I don’t even believe in all that attachment theory bullshit. Everyone has their own unique ways of attachment.” She’s avoidant to the point that she avoids even talking about being avoidant.
She told me that she was in therapy to “learn a more secure attachment style” and then I found out later that she was in some bullshit “hypnosis therapy” and she said “well, talk therapy just doesn’t work for me” and I guessing again, because the therapist wants to talk about things she doesn’t want to talk about. Thats why she’ll never heal and ultimately after discard #2 from her, I just blocked her and never looked back
They are emotionally immature
No, it is the way they grow up !! Blame their parents, you are not born an avoidant !!
@@omartrachen6794bro I get it but they’re 21 years of age bro. They are an adult and it’s their responsibility to grow up. Otherwise they will be 30 and alone. A perfect example of this was a girl I used to work with. Beautiful, hardworking, but emotionally stunted, I was 18 she was 35, we ended up sleeping together. She slept with others at the job soon after. Getting into situationship after situationship. Haven’t spoke to her in years, she’s now 37. Eventually her looks will fade, she will be alone. It’s sad but if she would’ve self reflected earlier in life she could’ve brownie the cycle, now I doubt she ever will, or she will and it’ll be to late
I have been watching different videos on this subject, and yours are the most clear ones. Thank you
Your wisdom has been invaluable in my beginning to heal. This is challenging stuff to process and move through. Having the intellectual explanation is quite sobering and ultimately strengthening. Thank you.
How are you doing rn?
He is a dissmissive avoidant and i am secure. I tolerate his behavior for 8 years mostly because i hoped he would go to therapy. He dumped me 2 months ago after i peacefully asked him to stop projecting on me. He ghosted me lol. I did not try to find out anything nor contacted him.when they are gone you really realized how soul sucking those type of persons are. I hope him the best. Farrrrr away from me .
Thank you for sharing. It was 8 years for me and without any incident, she ghosted . Left me stranded and disoriented.
Why would you want to go back to a person that put you trough all
That emotional
Abuse
The worst feeling is when you find out your ex is an avoidant
Same 😢😢😢
I keep watching your videos, they help me rethink before I try to reach them out 😢. It's painful, it really hurts. I still miss him though it's been 2 years now😢. Thank you so much for your support & empowering words& questions. Thx a lot. You're blessed 🤍
my ex reached out afther only 3 weeks , saying she was sorry for hurting me and the way she broke it off . i know she was sincere but she wanted to come back as a friend .
I accepted the apologies , told her it was the best thing in my life to happen .
and told her we cannot be friend and wished her health and happiness as she going through health disease .
and went back no contact . . . we are now on the 4th week . i keep working on myself and hoping for the best but i am okay if she won't come back obviously it gonna hurt but in the end i did grow already .
I just deeply hope she can do the self reflection on herself too and realize what she is willing to let go .
She told me a lot of events that happened in her childhood i 500% understand why she is the way she is as of today .
I don't want to fix her but i deeply wish from the bottom of my heart she can learn new ways to process things when we are back and me being so much more secure .
Thanks for your videos much love
So you’re hoping she wants the relationship still? You just don’t want to be friends?
@@tiffanyburke2785 I don't want the friendship , so yeah i deeply wish for it .
i believe we are soulmate or twin flame , no one in my life made me grow that much in a really positive way .
I know there more coming up for us , if she have the strength to work on herself by her own choice.
I'm her light in the darkness.
I still got work to do on my anxious style and will seek professional help to work on it.
You are right, I love all your videos it making sense to compare other Avoidant 's videos.. I agree with you those Avoidant at the beginning is good and then slow fading one is hard .. those Avoidant should not have any relationship if they enjoy being avoidant why they 're seek out relationship in the end they going to discard people .. but I realized the hard lessons we should not allowed it .. do not enable their behaviour .. no matter how hard do not contact them is the right action for our own seek and well being! THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your videos and I love them all!
If one needs to protect ourselves when the avoidant man decides to reach out or return, that's already tell you who's protecting who .
Sending much 💗
I wish I could learn to avoid and bury my feelings deep then I wouldn’t be here watching these videos praying that he comes back
no u don't, thats unecessary stress lingering around in your nervous system that u dont need
Thanks these words are calming after a second heartbreak from the same guy
Yeah, once we’re gone, we’ll come back swooping in, but it only lasts for one day or two then they’ll completely detach again. The cycle is horrible and frustrating and draining. ❤
He cheated throughout the marriage as he couldn’t cope. I left and three yrs later, he states he missed me and is in therapy. HE wants to date once a week and wants to be with others. No thanks. This is f’d. Give me my money and I’ll be on my way. No amount of counselling will help bring this boy out of the sandbox.
So frustrating I didn’t know that you would have to actually chase a man and initiate everything for them so backwards.. draining as well! A woman initiating everything but then when they barely talk to you, you don’t know whether or not you’re doing enough for them when it’s against your realms, actually initiate go above and beyond for somebody that barely shows feelings for you.. mindF
Its because they're scared of being alone but will never tell you thats why they jump from one person to another and another. Thats how insecure they're
Crazy how you mentioned they like your story to bait you to message them I’m so happy I didn’t fall for the trap she hasn’t responded back to my text. The silent treatment/ stonewalling is very immature
this was the best explanation I’ve heard to be honest
I should have stayed single.
My life is fucked.
Wow, another gem of a video, you are answering all my questions ❤❤❤ Thank you Coach Ryan.
I'm going t9 sum up this 8:41min in ✌🏿seconds....fking mind games. Don't walk.....Run.
😂😂😂
She broke up with me but it's been like 4 months and she started sending me messages how much she regret it but I can't seem to want her back anymore despite how I love her. It's just like. She left and broke our existing relationship and scrambled it like eggs. I have no clue what she did with herself in those 4 months. Seems she went and partied. Did whatever college life stuff. She hid that from my sight. But girls I know informed me of it. So it's just tough man. I guess she just gotta go have her cake. She cant have her cake and mine too.
We broke up and got back together so many times over the year n half.
Love bombed me in the beginning.
Year and a half later she tells me to move on and that im a good looking guy and that i can have any woman. Kinda heart broken… almost a month no contact. Dont think she cares.. life goes on i guess. We also have the same friend group. Its tough. Id be shocked if she apologized and wanted to see me.
two of my exes are like this. such a sad life to live
Again i am the first to comment. Coach I deserve 1 hour of free coaching.
You’re getting free advice already. Stop being a deek
I laid out the boundaries when she came back. She took them away, so I walked away
How long was it before she came back?
Well that was a tough pill to swallow, I was really hoping she wasn’t an avoidant but the ghosting and then the monkey branching…the lack of an ability to communicate
After listening to these avoidant videos Ryan, I’m sure my ex was a huge avoidant. She gave me the most amazing compliments, encouragement, love, support over a one and a half year long distance relationship but recently, over a 2-3 week period, turned into a totally (in)different person, with no emotions or communication or commitment and simply walked out on me and I couldn’t believe if it was the same person that I knew over the past one and a half year. She just became totally emotionally deactivated. Interestingly though, eight days into our break up, she removed me from Instagram and Facebook (but left WhatsApp open). I couldn’t believe that a person who loved me so much could do that. Since then, I’ve been wondering what that means? Why would she not even want to stalk me or be curious to know what I’m doing? You mentioned they’d stalk you so just curious what my situation suggests.
My ex blocked me after month and a half after out breakup on facebook, although we ended on good terms(she broke up with me after 2 years) and she is an avoidant. I think that there isn't one copying mechanism for them. Removing and blocking is their way to try and move on and don't tempt to get back together I guess.
@@liranredl8036 that’s what hurts. As Ryan said, Avoidants have a tendency to come back but in our case they are consciously choosing to shut the door completely. Why? What’s pushing them to take such extreme measures that they don’t even wanna see us? That’s not the typical avoidant behaviour I guess.
@@SFW7 Yes it is. They feel shame every time they see your name/face. And they want to avoid the temptation of reaching out again.
@@fev0903 If they feel shame, why would they be tempted to reach out? Genuine question.
@@SFW7 It could be both, right? Missing the person or rather the dopamine hits that person gave them but also shame/guilt over what they did to them. And cutting ties completely might be one way of avoiding that.
My husband said he cheated the entire time to keep himself protected.
So he cheated on someone who had no plans to hurt him in order to protect himself? Wow what a guy. My wife cheated on me most of our relationship because she “was never in love with me”. Despite 8 years of dating me, telling me she wanted to unzip my skin to crawl in and forced me to drive home shirtless more times than I can count just so she could smell my shirts when I left. Definitely never in love 😂. People say the craziest stuff to justify their abhorrent behavior. I’m sorry that happened to you, no one deserves that pain.
@@johnsonjj117 makes you wonder why these people are even in a relationship or try to be in a relationship
So messed up and hurting people in the process
@ They lack self realization and self respect so they latch on to someone they know will make a great spouse and parent and suck them dry like a parasite before moving on.
That's so awful I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you are better now. It's incredibly difficult being with a DA. I'll never do it again
Tell me why should I pursue someone who discarded me out of the blue?
You shouldn't. Don't.
I wish i had ghosted him back when he blocked me on everything in the middle of a texting convo. Such a big red flag. It only got worse after me chasing him and trying to compromise.
Don't bite guys. If I can do the hard inner work to heal anxious attachment then anyone can. I learned self love and compassion so for that im grateful but no way am i going back to dysfunctional patterns.
Can you share what you did, to heal your anxious attachment 🙏
@@socialsamia1920 therapy and watching tons of RUclips videos like this. Like hours and hours of study
so he has stonewalled me now about 5 weeks, no discussion of breaking up, he walked away from me during a moment of me sharing a feeling, so I don't even know we are in one, I refuse to reach out to him due to hurtful words by him before he shut the door and walked away
mine did too - I expressed my feelings and he just ignored me and hasn't messaged me back since. (we are LDR). They walked away from me. No doubt they will rewrite history in their head that I was the one that ghosted them when it was really them. I feel like it's pointless reaching out. They've ignored my messages before I wrote a long expressing my feelings.
@@petitcoeur-q6r they will never admit it.. he’s had 3 family functions since, I wonder what he told his family
I refuse to reach out.. his last words to me “you’ve got issues” shuts the door
Five weeks ago and you don't know you are still in a relationship? Maybe you decide if you want to be in a relationship with this kind of person. Sounds to me he is history. Please give yourself all the love and respect❤ Wishing you well❤
Yes, Coach Ryan, he actually used the word "pressure" with me.
You know the sad part of all of this is that it comes a day late and a dollar short.. .fuck'em
Hey Coach Ryan,
Can you please explain what an avoidant could be feeling once they are blocked on all social media platforms? Because i will be doing that
Yes to min. 7:50. This is my experience with my ex-husband. He jumped quickly into a new relationship and he started to manifest nostalgia (sending old photographs to our children) and complimenting me. Really weird and immature.
Your absolutely right my Dear sir , thank you for posting this , coz I'm one of the people who need to hear this rightnow ❤
My ex was perfect. I made a lot of mistakes, let my pain bleed onto him was critical and passive. He blindsided me saying he didn't see a future and was romantically detached and that we were toxic. 2 days before he said he loved me and we will be ok. Feel i lost the best thing i ever had. I'm broken. He was so good to me
You just nail it. In all of your videos.
Just, did my duty and finally i am relieved of it and will stay strong to not be available anymore
They take a while to reach out. In my current case, it's been more than three months without a beep from her. But the time is useful to think of them from a more neutral perspective.
Constructive criticism coach: you really need to turn up the volume for your videos (or hire someone to do that for you)
Am certain he's experiencing passion with another...period
Sometimes I think that. But not so sure.
Brilliant spot on great advice
She's a runner she's a track starrrrr
Relief..
he broke up with me two days ago, i blocked him, now he's sending me a friend request on FB? i don't understand these people...
You both sound young
@@remyd1984young and immature
Actually I told a guy that I am distancing myself until he dealt with his problems and grow up
Play time is over
Emotionally stunted
Smh😅
I realize that I gave my avoidant the same energy he gave me. If an avoidant is insecure and looking for me to reach out. Nope, not me. So I, as he sees me he sees me, sees me every Sunday. My NO CONTACT Whatever he is feeling means nothing to me. I'm not going to pacify an avoidant. I'm a grown a~~ woman. I'm in no need to fall at the need of an avoidant. He can watch and see my beauty every time. As I'm a child of God. If God chooses him for me. GOD will have to hunt me. Point Blank Periodod!!
This makes sense, for an avoidant.
Well it's not a safe relationship when you feel the need to protect yourself from someone. 🤷🏻♀️ That's gonna make you feel limerent and eventually lose your stability and sanity
First time I've heard someone who's talking about an avoidant say, "the fact that they jumped into a new relationship so quickly shows how much work they have to do... ...Do you really want them back?"
Everyone else seems to be overly sympathetic to the avoidant mindset.
Perfect way to end the video!
I’m in the bread crumbing stage. He’s watching my stories. He finally accepted an old friend request from my daughter. I’m not playing games. But I am hopeful for his return. But we had a very confusing back and forth relationship. It’s only been 2 weeks. Sigh. I don’t think he feels the pain. I’m sure he’s out dating.
We feel the pain, why should they not feel it? I think they do.
He does have a counselor who comes to see him once a week. I just found this out the other night. Thing is..the counseling wasn't his idea. He's living in an assisted facility, due to neuropathy in his legs and feet. His health, as well as his behavior, is complicated by..alcoholism. So, the facility wanted him to start counseling. He agreed to it, but, in his words, the only reason was because he "doesn't like to make waves."
I asked him if he's, you know, truly working with the guy. Or just..maybe cooperating to, well, like he said, to not make waves.
I wish I could be more involved. He just kind of drops these bits of information, but doesn't say much more. So, I have no idea if he's telling me this to..honestly share he's trying to get help, without making a big deal of it/for his pride. Or..just dangling it in front of me to..keep me connected, even if it's just on the back-burner.
Thank you for your advice 💯
This is narcisistic!
Explains so much..
Thank you so much.
Are those stages the same if it's the parter that stops the relationship during the "post discard friendship" with a "come back when you decide to work on yourself", or are there some differences? Thank you for your work 💛
I Ignore's last two texts, he just dosent care and isn't bothered. So guess he never cared at all
But you were the one who ignored his last two texts?
Great video
What if the person already monkey-branched to someone else? Also, in the three months we’ve been apart my ex hasn’t reached out. Even right after we broke up, he didn’t have the decency to check in. He just ghosted. Never will hear from him again.
Consider it a blessing as you don't need that headache. Use the time to heal your attachment issue. I did ❤
How does this change when the avoidant has been dumped?
Yep… I’m interested too.. I think leaving them stuns them tho
@@thendebele in what way do you mean it stuns them? I do think that mine didn't actually realize the impending loss/abandonment until it happens. They probably feel blindsighted by it even if the writings were on the wall and you tried to communicate that certain dynamics can become an irreconcileable misalignment. What I wonder is how quickly they will realize it's of their own making, if they realize that at all. I separated from my DA in a very secure manner and we had multiple conversations that contextualize and offered understanding about why the separation was becoming necessary, but he tried to persuade me into remaining in the status quo without offering anything substantional regarding the dealbreakers I wasn't condoning any longer.
I’d still take my FA back
Bless your heart
You value someone who could care less about you more than you value yourself.
@@michaella5799 ouch. But yeah needed to hear that.
Why some avoidants are extremely into religion?
Because we can't hide from God (and yes, we tried and failed). Even a relationship with God is painful.
it's a connection that does not demand physical presence or human emotion
I noticed this as well
Well for me it’s been a few years since they ghosted. They were still going back and forth, but then we had a couple texts and they didn’t reply. Not a word radio silence. Til two months ago a friend of theirs I hadn’t met but had heard about liked a post of mine. I dunno. I don’t think that’s enough to say this avoidant misses me but I assume they had the friend check my page. True avoidant fashion lmao. Nope!
Why cant being upfront just be enough. At this point its just playing games. I remember once i was told shes not the callrr but the called. But when we first met she called me everyday than began bread crumbing and falling off the face of the earth.
Absolutely true
What happens if the anxious had dumped the avoidant prior for a few days?
She will try to contact you after 3-4 days
Or in many months. A lot of my friends are avoidants, and so we're both of my grandma's and late great aunt. It was like a mood ring. It's not a great ride. They ALWAYS come back after they're burned by someone. @@adryangalileu4611
My avoidant found an extremely young girl to help him get over him pushing ME away 😉 it seems it wasn’t emotional avoidance that bothered him it was that I was much older than what he prefers 🤷♀️
My experience too! They are so immature!
@@segri3697 it isn’t the immaturity tbh. We can all be silly and act daft sometimes….its the absolute disrespect and disregard for someone they were supposed to “ care” about. The fact I feel it’s just wrong a 60 year old man chasing a 27 year old girl 🤢.
@@karen2670 I understand! My ex DA was unfaithful with much younger woman and I felt that he saw himself as being so much younger.. thats what I mean with immature. But what matter is that they hurt people. Deeply!
What if you hurt her and she said she don't want nothing to do with me?
Same here and I feel awful 😥
@@souplegends8369 have u tried no contact?
What are the differences between men and women avoidants
Females are far more crazier.
Female DAs are very extreme every way.
Avoidant men will use you for your body and want that one thing still even if not commited.
Everything was Fine before class holidays, she was Sweet, did go out with me and all. But mid vacation inútil classes started again she got more and more distant. A bad thing happens in her life, and she said she wanted some time. We were only texting now, and It was just short, cold messages she Gave. She didnt seem upset with her friend, but i let some time pass anyway. I finally couldnt hold It anymore and tried tô ask her whats wrong, we ended up discussing, her avoiding any talk and saying I was too attached (which was probably true). We ended up breaking anything we had, and I tried to ignore her so I wouldnt feel more hurt, but she insisted we kept as friends. When i finally accepts It, in the matter of hours she asks me If x's friend is single, which I replied idk and why, which she responds she is attracted to him. She's a b*, knows How i feel about her and she Just didnt Care to come and tell me that. I went on whats with x and asked him If his friend had a gf, he answered no, but then I asked If she hooked UP with a girl recently, which he Said yes, but unfortunately didnt give details. I knows its wrong, but i deleted the "no, he doesnt have a gf" and the Hook up part, so It seemed he Said that yes, he had Someone already. I showed her the textos after I Talked a bit, trying not to raise suspicion, and idk If she believed. Anyway, she liked a Photo on his Instagram and he did the same to hers. Either she didnt Care he was compromised or didnt fall for It. I am wrong at trying this, but she still is an unsensitive being, crushing my heart even after I accepted to keep contacto after she didnt want to be with me anymore
Nah dude, you don't deserve that, she's absolutely cold and doesn't care about your feelings so you shouldn't care about hers whatsoever! I can't believe she would do that in your face like that and even dare ask you if x was single, unbelievable.
thank you.
Thanks!
I wont lower myself to chase, i dont appreciate breadcrumbs!! They had there chance time to leave them in toxicity
Does no contact work on a DA ex if I took a year and a half before I told him not to contact me anymore and started no contact?
He sent me a breadcrumb at 30 days which I ignored and then it was his bday at 45days NC so I sent a best wishes bday message (just to be respectful because he does still pay some bills for me too) he replied thank you as I expected he would (neither of us tried to engage more) that was 3 days ago.
Did that reset the clock on no contact? Do you think he is still experiencing the same things you describe in this video that apply to a more recent break up?
We were together for 10yrs but never lived together before he ended it. He still pays my rent but doesn’t want to see me at all anymore (he makes excuses as to why like he is too busy or tired. He won’t say directly he doesn’t like me or want me to leave him alone he just says he cant have a healthy relationship anymore so I assume he is dating someone else and doesn’t want to tell me for some reason)
That best wishes message during his bday messed up the NC now he has the upper hand it’s a power thing.
@@devonjahnjez You think? I can see it resetting the no contact time but I don’t think he has any upper hand. He sent me a breadcrumb a few hours after I sent the bday message which I ignored, and another breadcrumb a week later which I ignored. (His breadcrumbs say he has been thinking of me and he gives updates on his life)
I have not replied, so how does he have the upper hand?
I feel like I breadcrumbed him with the bday message in a way.
@@Ella89zxxif he’s still paying your bills, you’re still connected in some way yes? I would say that is a way to still have contact. Even if you’re not speaking.
@@tiffanyburke2785 Yes I worry it does still make him feel we are in contact but I have ignored his breadcrumb messages and now its been 2 since his last breadcrumb
that makes sense.🙌🏼
But can an avoidant ever be a healthy relationship person?
Mine moved on before he broke up with me. He was cheating! He told me he is going to marry and start a family with her.
😢
Mine created aswell and then startet s realtionship with her right after me Findung out
It is so painful to endure their discarding, to end up seeing them moving on and being able to commit with someone else when they couldn't with you, marrying and having children. As if you were a simple thing of the past and your feelings and dreams didn't matter at all. 💔
That's so freaking evil, I'm sorry.
Thank you
I am certain that the one I had in my life, didn't even love me to begin with, and I am not sure he is capable of loving anyway. So perhaps what you are saying is applicable only to those that have actually feelings and skills to love. How many emotionally unavailable are like this though? (Genuine question)
I read a the opening comment on TikTok earlier. I’ll summarize it:
“They don’t actually fall for you. They need an ego boost and dopamine. When you expect anything real they drop you and on to the next.”
Brutal but true. Only sociopaths could feed on people like that.
@@Kavilion interesting even if I have a feeling the situation might be more nuanced than this. I am starting to think of them as being stuck at a specific emotional maturity level, maybe one more attached to Ego, or to projected images than the reality
Fearful avoidants are sociopaths, mine ghosted me when I felt secure with him. I had felt his love, but now think he cannot have loved me when ghosting me .
One thing that confuses me is, when they abuse their partner, are unkind or non-empathic, is it because they hide their feelings and don't/can't access them, or because they really don't love the person and couldn't care less? Because avoidants don't lie like narcissist do.
Still, I know it is bad enough for them to abuse, but you could think about giving the person a second chance if they love you, even if they have issues acknowledging their feelings, as the love is there. A totally different story if there is no love in their heart.
@@namarievenstarthat is a good question which cannot be answered 😢 my F/A + covert traits is ghosting me 7th week ...thought he loved me but then how can he do this to me?
Would I be advised to do no contact if our relationship was only 2 months long but was very loving and intense? Nothing bad happened, she just one day was pulling away after a previous day of being super close, intimate, and she just said " She didn't think she could do this " She cried and I let her drive off and have been NC for 4 days now.
Do no contact and move on. 2 months is nothing to them
Ok same situation here! Wondering if there was a situation that was a short dating experience here. Mine went silent for a few hours and next thing I know, I get a text saying he is overwhelmed with work and he is really sorry. So far NC for 45 days and nothing
We need to realize that this could cone from anyone unfortunately, it has been very painful but I need to stop hitting on me trying to find reasons on what did I do to cause this. I need to think I am not perfect, I did the best and if they don’t want to put effort into it it’s not my fault
Let her go before you get yourself deep in this sh*t. My avoidant told me in the honeymoon stage that he has tendency to pull off from love ones. I thought he is very self aware, that’s a good thing.
Now 4 years in the relationship, I have to NC him because bare minimum is too much for him, no future no communication, you can’t win with these people.
❤❤❤❤
This is so true! I got ghosted all of a sudden out of nowhere and I am positive there was an affair involved too. I baited her when I told her that I had a date after all the messaging and no reply. Then as a bit of a narcissist myself, told her I slept with a woman too! I refuse to empower any longer.
When you poop on someone you might not like the smell.
how can you really be sure that she's cheating? lol she's ghosting you doesn't mean she cheated.. it may also have to do with your behavior that lead them to that or there are other things that lead her to not trust you
i ghosted a person because he showed me he didn't care about my feelings and i felt not valuable to him and i didn't want to be angry and lash out and as a way of protecting myself, i walked away.. why would i chase a person who has other priorities and can't stand up for a relationship?
you also said you have a bit of narcissistic tendency lol maybe it's time to self reflect and figure out what you want instead of assuming things out of thin air and being so stuck in your head you can't distinguish reality and fantasy?
Can they still go through these stages if they immediately just into a new relationship?
That means that they are monkey branching. He said thaf monkey branches rarely reach out probably beacuse them num themself with new relationships
Nah it doesn’t register for them and this is coming from an avoidant who refuses to monkey branch you are out of sight and out of mind for them so to speak
💔
🙏🙏✨✨👍👍♥♥
kill that music please
No, I like it
We are literally howling with laughter - that salmon sticking out of his ears has got to be the funniest thing on RUclips. I’ve forwarded it to all my friends so they can watch with the sound turned off. Hilarious.
Me, an avoidant, with an anxious partner who will not let me go, threatens to unalive himself if I leave, cries, begs, yells, guilt-trips, and makes me feel ike absolute shitte, thinking about showing this video to him so he'll believe that letting me finally go will actually bring me back. *wink wink .
Although the more I read about avoidants in these comments, I am starting to wonder if I'm actually normal and he's... something else. :(
He is not normal, but neither is sending him this video to attempt to manipulate him into leaving to give him false hope.
He definitely needs help though and that behavior isn't excuseable.
@@nomadhitch579 yeah, I never would actually do it, it was a desperate thought. I feel very trapped.
@@cindyanne11I actually think that might be a good idea. He is addicted to you in a way and he needs no contact with you for at least 2 months I think to get a hold of himself. Sending him no contact videos that say u need 6months no contact from avoidants and you need to work on yourself to get an avoidant back might help. I don’t think its a bad idea he needs to get a hold of himself
stop playing games so immature wink wink
As an avoidant I’m actually happy to see you go non contact.😂
then STOP playing with peoples feelings. BE ALONE! it is not funny! Avoidants are jerks who need therapy and grow up. You're stuck in Junior High mode. I feel sorry for you. COWARDS 🤣
Avoidants do not know how to handle life, they run and are quitters LOL losers!!!
@@monicaprado2890Exactly. A bunch of third rate, man/woman-child cowards.
Never grew up, mommy and daddy didn't love them. And now, they seek that "spark" from others, and then move on since they never find it, no matter how hard they try.
@@monicaprado2890 Touched a nerve I see )))
But it's not a manipulation, so please stop lumping avoidance with narcissism, though they can go comorbid.
@@en0iaIf you don't confront your feelings and SPEAK your damn mind but still participate in dating then it doesn't matter. The end result is the same. Narcisistic abuse of people who actually CAN love you.
I am so amused by your videos as an avoidant. Why don’t you just teach people how to communicate with an avoidant? Like asking them how much closeness they are comfortable with? And if that isn’t what you want leave.
I have felt huge relief once I’ve discarded and I definitely never felt curious. If someone triggers my avoidant behaviours I know it’s a compatibility thing and 100% they weren’t right for me. We are not intentionally going round ‘breaking hearts’ it’s just a mismatch of needs and we aren’t good at communicating or ending the relationship in a healthier manner.
ruclips.net/video/GMww0zhufbs/видео.htmlsi=NM9JaTnwU_fmzVdq
I mean, then isn’t that really on you to try to improve? I mean whenever I am not acting or behaving in a healthy manner, I choose to try to fix myself
@@johnsonjj117 100% now through therapy I know better so do better. All coach Ryan’s videos seemed to be aimed at people trying to win over an avoidant. Looking at us with contempt and playing games like going no contact with the hope of getting us back isn’t going to get someone with anxious attachment very far long term.
I don’t sit around slatting people with anxious attachment once I have walked away I have already accepted we are not a good match.
Heidi priebe has much more compassionate and useful videos for growth.
@roxy7255 haha same. I literally have never in my life felt guilt or shame for leaving a relationship.
More like shame for staying with them too long because I was trying to be nice and not break a gentle person's heart instead of being honest about how annoying their clinginess was.
This guy is preying on people with anxious attachment, making them think that they can do something to get us back. Also I love how he talks about avoidants needing therapy but he's happy to keep feeding his audience what they want to hear instead of reccomending they work on their anxiety and how that can drive away other people including secure types.
None of us are trying to apologize and get someone back lol. The relief of finally getting away from a control freak is everlasting. Me being curious and reaching out to someone I've left sounds about as appealing as putting a 💩 back up my 🍑
Pride comes before the fall. Avoidants don't even know what a relationship should look like. Discarding women just makes them more narcissistic.
Y’all’s behavior makes people who were previously secure become anxious because of mixed signals. 🤷🏼♀️