I just walked out on a guy who did this. After trying to talk and have mature communication and thereby get closer to each other. I was treating him with love, honesty and consistency. He started loving and kind but slowly became more distant and was flat out ignoring my communication attempts at the end. I said goodbye and disappeared. Also explained to him that there would be no third chance (this was the second chance already) unless he's 100% sure he wants me und unless he works on his avoidance issues and workaholism. It hurts a lot. It felt like we're soulmates. I don't think he's a bad person, just broken. I forgive him and pray for him. Im the meantime I can feel the emotional energy I invested in him slowly returning to me. Feeling better every minute. Every time I doubt my decision or start ruminating I come back to this channel.
One thing I can truly appreciate about you Coach Ryan is that you don’t let the avoidant off the hook and then you come back and encourage the rest of us not to either. So many trainings and coaching out there always has the other person changing. While I agree the other person for sure needs to take care of themselves, you make sure there’s avoidant accountability too. Appreciate you Man.
If you get anxiety or mixed messages, please leave that person alone. Letting someone else dictate your happiness is unhealthy and will wreck your nervous system. I can date avoidants because I have a partial avoidant side, but we are similar so I can speak some of their language. Being an anxious attachment though? I would never try pursuing a severe avoidant. It's like trying to make the backside of magnets stick.
This is exactly true, she asked for a two week “time” a month and half before her discarding me, she kept me on her WhatsApp profile picture, she was extremely rude whenever I contacted her like if it were another person, even asked me once if I called her and then dropped her phone on me. After the two weeks expired I contacted her on my birthday and she didn’t even said hello, I told her I wanted to speak in person, when we met she was completely deactivated. We tried things out, then bang! Discarded me two months before our wedding. Still hurts as if it was yesterday! Very traumatising and abrupt! I’ll always think she was a little girl in the body of a 31yrs woman.
@@tinalu4695mate! Today I wanted to contacted her, Coach Ryan video on going and staying in no contact saved me. I really miss her, but we should keep or dignity. They discarded us, not us to them. We were willing to work daily on our relationships, it’s their loss not ours! Although it hurts as hell!
Totally with you on the rude thing, during the time she was not deactivated, never said one rude word cause the first time she even said idiot in a joking manner, I told her clearly that this is not going to happen again. She did never again. But with deactivating and forgetting all the positive and awesome things, with the flaw finding level 100000 (we do not match long term due to the fact that I need 10mins in the bathroom in the evening or I would have such a long line - she meant that it would take to long for me when leaving the house that I check got all my things in the pockets back in cold times) - things no other human EVER mentioned to me haha She is simply the prime example. After 4nweeks no contact she came by to bring me my stuff, she was super deactivated, told her after 5min ill get her shit and she can fuck off. Grabbed wrong stuff, things got funny, told her to stop this artificially mad mood against me. She literally said yeah it’s kinda difficult to keep up with rest Alkohol. From one second to the other she was her old self. She cuddled me, wanted to get a kiss suddenly she said we practivće now so that next time it works better. She said that. 2 weeks later, only sporadic contact, like 1% of contact we had previously. Everything was fine. Suddenly she said she doesn’t Wanne share her life with me. Sure girl, you get a check on the list for avoidant signals on every box but even as a fucking psychologist she doesn’t realize it. Asked her if she thinks her avoidant attachment would affect her behavior. SHE LAUGHINGLY SERIOUSLY SAID NO, DODDNG AFFECT HDER
@@tinalu4695This! So well said.... it is a trauma response! For months, I thought he never had good role models of mature behaviour so I excused him with that in mind. But no, there is a wall around his heart and emotions, it is palpable and it stops him from growing. For me, he is like a wounded eagle. His wound so severe that he will never fly. No contact all the way.
I deeply appreciate your content. I get that leaving an avoidant isn’t always an option for some, for various reasons, but for sure it is a red flag / deal breaker for me now that I am single again. Never again will I knowingly and willingly be with an avoidant.
10 months in, spent holidays together, met his family, spent every weekend together, traveled together, "we're just friends". Crazytown..i don't think i have it in me anymore.
I sent this video to my avoidant ex who I’ve basically been in limbo with on and off for years, and let’s just say it was not well received 😅. But it’s very true and powerful. Thank you.
@Coach Ryan - This is why I am glad your channel appeared in my feed. You give us no nonsense pep-talk common sense guidance, that is not pandering to and constantly saying to understand and repeatedly give to the avoidant, but for us to choose ourselves - as we wouldn't do to the avoidant what they repeatedly on a loop, do to us. Thanks again. Much Love, Anita xxx 😊 🏴🌹🇬🇧😁.
I lost my temper and told him off...so I will probably not hear from him, but I just couldn't take it anymore! Makes me so sad... "They are NOT intending to NOT hurt you, either" "It's a reflection on them because they are selfish"..... thank you so much Coach....it is true, i was anxious all the time, I even started drinking, I never knew what mood he would be in next...They have to know what they do b/c they must have a lot of relationship problems, at least that's what he told me when I met him...I should have listened! Reminds me so much of Narcissists, Lovebomb, Discard, Flying Monkeys, Hoover rinse and repeat!
Yes ! I’m an Aries so sometimes I lose patience and get mad lol . I hate being stonewalled and dismissed just for saying I care . I can be understanding up to a point
After this final discard, I have decided not to be “friends” and move forward. It's been two years and he is still unsure, I am no longer convinced he can see who I am and that’s ok. I can’t be upset someone is choosing to be blind.
This is why you have to go no contact to reset the relationship back to healthy standards. Never tolerate a situationship. Prevent it by standing by your standards no matter how much you feel for them or like them.
@@basicinfo2022 no contact forever - when I state my needs and expectations clearly and someone gets exactly what they want but give a smidgen back and expect that to work - that's manipulation. And hell no
Can 1000% relate to this. Everything but the label. Dated(mind you they were looking for validation elsewhere), grey area, FWB, lived together, everything but married. Love each other, Known her for 9 ½ yrs. Very Sad and unfortunate for both parties. Done being the rock for them, and merely a 2nd option.
A gap started as we developed feelings and it grew larger to the degree that disrespectful behavior started on his side. I told him I couldn't accept a half-hearted man. "You are giving so much, and I am making you unappreciated," he said. "you must be feeling heartbroken, isolated, lonely, sad, and hurt... " he said. This was the moment of clarity for me, that I must leave. He was completely aware of the pain he was causing. He could not or did not want to break up, and he kept breadcrumbing me. It all happened in 3-4 weeks, from the gap starting to the moment I broke up with him. I loved him but I broke up for my self-respect, dignity, and my self-love.
I tried establishing boundaries in the most caring, non-confrontational way possible. I spent an hour tweaking the message so that it wouldn’t come across as threatening or judgmental. After asking only for the bare minimum, she immediately replied “I’m not capable of doing that”, followed by a bunch of aggressive messages and ghosting once again (she had come back 2 years after discarding me). 6 months later, she has a boyfriend and seems to have no trouble parading him in social media, which inexplicably doesn’t trigger her nearly as much as me asking her for open and honest communication. So I don’t know, whether you set boundaries or don’t, sometimes there’s just no winning. And the worst part is I’m left wishing I hadn’t set boundaries so that she wouldn’t have ran into another man’s arms.
Brother.... If she cared she would have come running to you. They are actually like robots. You are brave to set healthy boundaries. It is not easy. Keep going. Love from India🙏
Problem is being with an avoidant will make YOU act avoidant with ppl that really want you.. and then YOU get the shame feelings. Don’t imagine scenarios/fantasize about ppl that won’t spend time about you
6 months, no commitment. Left him while I was down with pneumonia. I had time to think, as I was entirely alone, and in bed all day. I just decided it is over, I am done. And broke up, and since it was long distance and he does not like to talk over the phone, I broke up over text. It felt sooo bad, but I think he preferred it that way. No contact with him now for 3 weeks, and I am comming out on the other side. i am good, all good.
Almost same here. No contact for a week. Long distance and I broke up after a very frustrating conversation on the phone, and then some text that made my blood BOIL. An avoidant man who comes in and out of my/your life without commitment…w long distance on top. Crazymaking
Getting dumped by an avoident showed me that I have been avoident in the past, but never had a fear of being close. I would have never thought I be greatfull for the excruciating pain, but I am ready to change and become more secure.
They ARE unloveable and you ARE too good for them. Let’s stop classifying the way DA’s treat others as simply an insecure attachment style and start classifying it as what it is - emotional abuse. That’s the difference between the attachment types. The others aren’t emotional abuse and avoidant absolutely is. Anyone who’s experienced it knows this. It’s awful. Even if it’s not malicious it’s still 100% abusive and obliterates the mind of the counterparty. Ultimately they are responsible for themselves and how they treat others. A neglect or failure to improve the issue is solely on their shoulders. You can’t even say that it’s a joint issue to solve because literally any mention whatsoever of the problem causes them to shut down, withdraw, and/or lash out. So you can’t even begin to help them. It’s like dealing with a drug addict that has zero desire to get sober. You will decimate your own life and sanity trying to help or endure the abuse.
Excellent comment! All these videos calling it avoidant/unhealed/unhealthy/maladaptive etc. Im done with these adjectives. Its pure psychological abuse & emotional abuse, nothing more.
You're amazing. I've just found you here on YT and you're the best coach if it comes to FA. Videos are not enormously long. Everything is explained well and in an approachable way. Thank you.
Wow I am so thankful for your message, I thought I was going crazy with the situation with my ex, I am trying to find the way to be financially independent again so he doesn't feel he can come and go whenever he wants, I have cried a lot, you give me hope❤
You have such a gentle delivery of such hurtful and sensitive information. Some influencers on the topic teach in a way that gives me more anxiety and sadness about my avoidant so - to- be ex husband. I thought he was only a narcissist, but recently discovered the that he is also a fearful avoidant. I had no working knowledge about these attachment styles until only a week ago. I was able to describe his behavior, but couldn't give it a name nor attribute a root cause, until now. How did you become so knowledgeable? Hopefully, it wasn't through personal experience. It's painful. You seem to have such peace about you, even while talking about such dark topics.
There is a book called Attachment written in the 70s by the psychologist who researched attachment and the relationship with childhood and created the attachment types
Wish I also knew these things before, I'd be able to deal with my avoidant ex much better. I ended up doing some of this coach's advices because I'm secure, but still, I questioned myself for months. Am I needy, insecure, fearful? Turns out that no, it was her avoidance turning me into an anxiety bomb. I'm glad I can see things clearly now.
@@gayleneflower398 stay strong. Process I formations in logical way, then emotional way will follow up. Believe me one day I'm alright and going nuts on next one. We will be alright at the end and we will grow. Leave them behind.
My mother once told me that I was “a shot in the arm for his self esteem” referring to a guy who was the come here go away type. Oh, how right she was. 😮
Here's the other side of that. I was the one dumped by an avoidant, but he's the one that gets nervous and ghosts at the idea of friendship. He volunteered to take me to work, told me he was doing it because I was his friend but left me standing at the train station a few days after I leaned in and calmly said that he didn't have to volunteer to do that if he didn't want to. He insisted that he did want to do it, said I was his friend but ended up not even showing up for something he started. He would come to my house, after the breakup, and fix everything I never asked him to bother with, sit and chit chat for hours and when I would call to see if he was doing or feeling better, or ask him if he wanted some old computer cords I'd found in my laundry room, he'd either ghost me or practically curse me out as if I was stalking him or something. My point is that I'd be just fine being simply his friend. We've known eachother half our lives and it frankly would put me at peace with the whole situation. I wouldn't feel breadcrumbed, or used or any of that other stuff. Just two human beings who agreed to disagree. I'd just continue feeling that I'd learned something useful about how strong, and empathetic, and clear on who I want to be and who I want to be around when I want to be around them.
omg my anxiety is at its peak. has taken me over a month of riding my e-skate daily to get the self-compassion I have for myself. I still have some anxiety, but its not as much as it was a few weeks ago. My boundary was very abruptly placed and I told her I'm going away. Had I known sooner she was a DA I would have approved her behavior differently.
I am experiencing this atm with my DA bf of two years. Unbeknownst to him .. I have his old phone (dumb arse) and he’s currently texting his ex gf, reaching out, trying to hook up with her. I need to get my finances sorted as we have a house together and I will end things soon.
This was just happening to me but I cut it off, I told him all I know about who he is, i explained the whole personality of an avoidant, and what he is doing and I wished him good, I decided to move on and I removed him from social media. I didn’t know he was an avoidant until after the break up. We broke off about 20 days ago, and he kept reaching out but there’s not consistency, only text msgs, he even invited me to go out, I acted cold with not much enthusiasm, then he said I had fun with you we will do this again, and then he kept the same energy, not consistent no emotions. Honestly I don’t need all this confusion, so this was the best decision, I am walking away and not looking g back, because I can’t change him so I won’t go through this again, it’s a waste of time.
The title is very apropos. I asked "where are we in this relationship" her answer "we are in limbo". Three months later, she left without a word. I made the decision to go no contact and it has been 5 months.
It is. 4½ months of no contact for me today. I don't ever want to hear from her again. I'm not even slightly curious to know what she's up to. It's none of my business!
So true 5 weeks of breadcrumbing i finally put a stop to it. A week later calls me to tell me shes dating her co worker and blocked me. Same week i fine her dating app profile!! Yet she loves me smh. I did email her telling her we are done her value will never be the same. Havent talked since. Going on 2 weeks no contact. I try to explain to her i couldnt do this roller-coaster anymore her response was i dont have the urge to see you. Ok... gdbye
Which goes to show exactly how selfish they really are. They don't care about you. Guarantee you she's miserable, but that's not your problem. Make sure you block her back everywhere so she can't try coming back or keeping tabs on you. Remind yourself that the right person would never resort to this bullshit, and remind yourself of that when you think about the times when things were "good" with her because those moments will come up.
I wonder if it's common to lose one's temper with these people? And their insanely crazy making inconsistency, contradictory behavior? Because, I stated my boundaries, nicely, peacefully, I talked them out... Communicated with respect. And they were all broken. My mistake was not to LEAVE and stay OUT of the relationship, cos then I came back twice. And I lost it... I was losing my temper over and over again, until I managed to break up in a bad way!! He didn't want to cut the relationship, but didn't do the right things either. Is it also common that they push your boundaries to the limit?? So you lose your temper? Provoking... What THEY KNOW will ignite you? Or is that more of narcissism? I felt terribly bad at the end. It was all insane. It surfaced my whole trauma. Like "the worst version of myself" when I spent so many years doing healing work!! 😢
Yupp! Then they play victim and act like they did nothing wrong and like you’re the crazy person! But the gag is they don’t really like level headed ppl. They want you to flip out!
When you flip out it's easier for them to manipulate you because you can't think with a clear head. This is when they reverse & twist what's happened to make them the victim, and you end up confused, frustrated & anguished
It may not feel like it now, but it’s for the best. But my ex came back after 4 months and the push and pull trauma has been worse then the actual breakup. I wish he had just stayed away. It’s cruel.
No, if I gave boundaries he would take the bait and leave. It’s my fault he is the way he is towards me. Makes promises to leave and because I want my marriage I stay but I cry everyday and he can just fall asleep and not care. He doesn’t comfort me when he says ugly things or hurtful things. I’m stuck in limbo until the anxiety and worry kills me. I don’t see a way out and I don’t believe my feelings will ever matter to a God fearing man something I prayed for as a little girl when I would feel scared and alone was a Goodman to be there for me and I would love him the way God intended a wife to love her husband. I got my part down but didn’t get what I had hoped and prayed for. My fault for not knowing anything of self worth now I have none.
I know all of this can tear a person apart, wear them down until they feel like there’s nothing of value left in them. But you DO have something to offer the world: you know what it’s like to love when you’re hurting. You’re a good person for that. And it’s NOT your fault that he treats you like that. The only person that controls what your husband does is your husband. I hope someday you both heal, and that both you and he see YOUR value. A loving soul deserves happiness.
You are crying and it doesn't matter to him. Why do you stay with such a person, when I read your lines I can feel you are such a loveable person with a great heart, you deserve better, maybe only your self-confidence which isn't high enough, and with a husband like this that's a normal result, leave him and try to heal your soul, you are only waisting your time with him, do many men with big hearts out there❤
@wizardofaus2985 My's finish college got a job in another state. And now it's like we're strangers. He won't even call me or send me nothing to help pay my bills. I'm glad I'm in the pin and can pay mine, but it's just a point. He doesn't talk to my kids,he made them not like him.. he gonna laugh when I say we don't have intimacy, He make fun of the kind of job that I do Now that he graduated from the college
@@Fnx9955 there is no contact with the avoidant for years now. I don't want another man now, I want to fix the damage and be happy alone for now. Besides, I can already see how the trauma I got will affect future relationships if I don't fix it.
You're already asking the right questions, maybe try entering it into youtube or google search bars. Imho the best thing to do is to NOT isolate. lsolating yourself will only feed insecurities until you're just as emotionally damaged as your ex. There's no easy method and if you experienced childhood trauma's of your own and developed an anxious attachment (like l had), focus on improving and healing yourself. There are other videos that has helped me but l dont have links & even if l did, l wouldnt provide it here, because it is your journey. For me personally (l'm about to turn 49) l had buried all my pain, hurt, betrayal etc for decades. After experiencing yet another failed anxious (me) - avoidant type relationship, l had a complete emotional and mental breakdown. After a week of not being able to sleep (l dont recommend that btw) for the 1st time since l was very young l truly wept, and began soothing myself, my inner child if you will, just as l would gently soothe any of my children. That helped enormously and lve truly begun the healing process with the aim of becoming secure within myself. Hopefully l have a future happy relationship but am prepared to be okay if l don't. Simply put, l've let it all go. Perhaps therapy (CBT or antidepressants etc) might help you more than they did me, everyone is different and, honestly, it takes as long as it takes. l just don't want to be on my deathbed so full of regrets like my Mum did. l really wish you the best and sorry if this was a bit long for you, hope it helps. ❤️🩹
My husband's avoidant tendencies didn't come out until after we were married and had our first 2 miscarriages. Eventually he told me he only wanted to marry in order to have kids and that if we couldn't then he wouldn't be a good partner. Well another year and 3 more miscarriages and he has only continued to bread crumb. I am sad because I married him for love come what may. And if I leave then I lose my chance to have a baby (just trust me on that). So I keep hanging on.
@@reneehaynes8289 I'm in therapy, but it doesn't matter unless I commit to leaving or have a baby or he commits to getting better. And I can't make him want to get better.
I hate to say this because I don't want to crush your dreams but I have to be honest: He is holding the idea of a baby over you. He is not a good partner to raise a child with. He will do the same by raising ultimatums to his children, and when they cannot provide what he is looking for, he will neglect them too. You deserve a partner who will love you regardless of the presence of a child. Conditional love isn't love, and that's not a marriage worth staying in. You can take his words at face value and seek better for yourself, or you can continue going through pain by keeping him in your life but functionally acting as if you were single. Frequent miscarriages are not easily overcome, and if they keep happening and he is withdrawing as a result, I think it's a sign to let him go before you feel trapped in a relationship with him because you have a child to raise. I wish you all the best. 🧡
@@ThePsychicClarinetistas a Woman in a non good enough mariage I can tell it doesn’t help to get pregnant and keep it. Our bodies know better. As women we need to be loved first then the child will be loved because the father loved his wife. Not the other way round it’s wrong.
You forgot, “I don’t wanna be in a relationship right now not with anyone”….. Then you see them online immediately telling their lies about how they want a long-term RS, they don’t want drama, although they make it, they don’t want couch potatoes, but they’re the one that sits on the couch and smokes pot… I am very bitter. I did not have the best upbringing, and I don’t treat people like that. There’s no excuse to treat people like the way they treat them.
How do I know if someone is avoidant or if they just have Grass is Greener syndrome which keeps them from committing? I left him, but curious for future relationships.
i am not an expert but have really been learning about this stuff from various sources and i think the 'why' they wont commit is irrelevant. I am going through this now and realized that the bottom line is that they are simply not committing and we should do our best to not ruminate about the reasons why they arent. If they are avoidant, we can empathize with them but they either way they still are not committing, regardless of the reason
She pulled this crap (I love you, but am not in love with you) after 21 years of marriage, 15 of it sexless and emotionally vacated by her once she got the kids adopted, she simply threw me out. She has emotionally discarded me, breadcrumbing and false hope daily... I am only staying for my daughter as I don't want her to have to deal with this (she has some special needs) - she says she needs time to try and re-engage, but 7 months on in counseling, she is still not moving.
That is crazy. I made this song "Stuck In Limbo" ruclips.net/video/C5SraOZpDS0/видео.html on 9/20 three and a half months after being ghosted by a long term avoidant girlfriend... I didn't even know what attachment theory was before this.. =\
Man me too!!!! I didn’t know either!!!! It’s Some crazy shit. More like a waste of time. It’s very exhausting and unnecessary. Get fixed you crazy people!!! Your life is short. Oh well they can die alone scared that someone loves them. Figure that out.
Boundaries are right. Just like you do with a narcissist. Block their number. You need to look out for yourself and understand that you might have fun with them and truly feel something for them- don’t let them in. These people are good for hookups not relationship material. Just like a narcissist they are not going to change. Damage is done. I’m an avoidant from childhood with narcissistic parents so I’m warning you. Keep it light and look for a stable partner with relationship history.
Thank you but having a relationship history doesn't mean anything because they lie about why the relationship ended and you never get to actually see how they were in those dynamics. I get it. Having a relationship history shows they're kinda normal but still...everyone lies anyways so I'm sure they lie about that.
@@reneehaynes8289 you will know- especially if they say all exes were “crazy” or if don’t have social media or LinkedIn or anything that can verify their behavior .
@@Vps3689my husband told me not to promote our engagement on social media because he said it was between "us" and the world just wants to tear apart good things. I respected his wishes. Turns out he'd already been married, left that one for a woman he had an affair for, left the affair woman for me and has now since abandoned me.
So I just went no contact with my LDR girlfriend of 3 years. I Have done everything to bridge our 1000 mile distance, I was gonna drive to see her she said don't in the beginning, so after a bit of time I bought her a plane ticket, she mysteriously went distant the day of flight and said she was sick, so we made up after all that and about a year ago I drove 1000 miles to see her and I ended up sitting in the hotel for 3 days before driving home cause she avoided me when I showed up. So its been a year since me going to see her and I finally said to her if she can figure out a way to see me let me know, but until then we are not gonna communicate. We have facetimed and never gave her any money so its not that type of situation I just think whenever I get close she avoids.
I'm dealing now with an avoidant for the first time, we are 5 hours apart and after 3 meetings in the beginning he now avoids to meet me again with the most ridiculous excuses. We haven't seen each other in 4 months !!!! He will not let me break up , even though I thought this behavior is because he is not interested. Don't know anymore what to do, just so stupid. Can you make a video about this maybe ? Why do they avoid meeting in real life ?
@@saiiijan yes, im thinking about it right now. I ended it already 10 times and he never lets me, it's so super annoying. He would write me super long texts and calls but after some days we have the same problem. Don't know what to do anymore
@@frostqueen4904 Get you completely, it drives one bananas and not to mention how this affects your intuition and your sense of self. Back and forth, but the thing is, the longer you try to be there and try to `help` the worse they get. Talking on experience, went through the most strenuous situationship for 9 months, were I applied all my patience and knowledge to make this work, setting healthy boundaries was one of the reasons for him to get scared and start blaming me for putting pressure on Love, going now through the most painful breakup. Now he decided that this hurts him too much and that he has to end this for good. Blocked me and made himself unreachable. Such a devastating situation, so many wounded people being hurt and hurting them selves. There must be a way to heal. Do not quite advocate with the motion of judging and discarding... if anyone finds a way to cure this and ascend from the disability to love, please let me know
I need a video on how to be an avoidant's friend. My best friend is an avoidant, and i want to make him feel safe. I dont know what makes them feel secure.
They are highly independent and has high self esteem to a point they don't need friends. Even with friends, they don't open up fearing vulnerability might be perceived as weakness due to their childhood. Read up on traits of DAs. He might not treat the friendship at the same level as you think.
that's what i've been saying to myself too . I really understand. But let me just share this as a thought. You found this not late, but exactly when you needed it. I wish you the best.
Mine was going through something vaguely traumatic at the time that affected us both but her more. Two days before, she was saying how supportive I was, how thankful she was and how she couldn't wait for it to be over to finally start making our future plans. Two days later, its our anniversary, I'm feeling a bit sad so I'm a bit quiet. I know not to say much usually as it triggers so I just say, bit sad for you today because of how ill you feel, bit sad we couldn't have our weekend away... As a result, I'm being selfish for feeling that way while she's going through stuff. Wants 2 weeks space until its over out of nowhere when we'd had sex 2 hours prior. Then calls me unsupportive and so on, gaslighting against things she knows isn't true. So being a caring person and understanding her needs for the most part, I take a step back. Say I apologise, offer the space, say that if she feels she needs to let go or needs a cuddle to let me know. Get told to stop playing with her emotions while she's like this. So calm few days goes by, a pre-op appointment comes which I was told not to take her to, but she's too ill so asks if I will. Big step I thought, letting me back in a bit. Didn't want to touch or kiss or have me anywhere near her. Were ok, took her home, then said she needed her mum (who she said she wouldn't call because she'd judge her) and not me when she felt ill. Let it go. I offer support end of that day, if you need anything let me know, if you can't get out etc, I love you and I'm here kind of thing. Told off again. Make some dumb remark the following morning as a joke about one of her friends (nothing offensive to them or her in the slightest), get a wtf, followed by a break up text. Literal usual carbon copies of words. Moving in together feels "wrong" so I must be the wrong person for her. It's not me that doesn't want it anymore its her. Dumb thing is, holidays booked, shared bills, actively getting me to know her friends etc, we were in a good place (and we'd alresdy broken up once so I knew what to expect). So my more secure attachment kicked in since I worked on myself a lot during the first break up and introduced some minor boundaries. She even opened to up me about something that happened to her as a kid that not a single soul on the planet knows about except me. So yeah my attachment kicked in and I just turned off then. I thought to myself, typical, said she would do some work last time and didn't, so I pushed her into blocking me by telling her I know what she's doing and stop lying to me and herself, and accept the truth and that people won't abandon you. I knew it wouldn't go in and I knew it would trigger her to block me. Least this way we both get some closure, and she may think so badly of me that she doesn't come back to hurt me again. Or maybe she'll grieve the loss down the line and realise she's lost a true person and actually do something to change. Who knows. No longer in my life after 2 years, and the bits where we were together were for the most part amazing, although yes giving 95% of yourself for 5% back is about accurate. Depends how comfortable you are doing that. Coming from an anxious to dealing with the internal stuff over time it didn't bother me as much, but I knew my limits. Love is a choice after all, and it's a giving action, so there shouldn't really be a give too much. There's definitely a give too little even to someone that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt you're the love of their life, they still can't fully commit or even really try. It's very sad. I feel guilty I can't be there to stand by her while she has her operation tomorrow, but I've tried. She KNOWS I care because she's told me plenty of times she's never been loved this well before or appreciated for who she is or been with someone that doesn't judge her. So she knows I would be there if it was possible. We're on a week NC, and I don't expect that to ever change now unless after that's over the grief hits her and she realises she's fucked up. It'll take a lot to go back though, she's needed proper counselling for her childhood trauma for a long time, as its the main reason for her underlying depression too. You feel obligated as someone who cares to feel for them, but there's only so much you can do before you have to walk away and wash your hands and say, I did my absolute best to show this person a world where they could finally be happy outside of all of the shit they've been through in their life... and they'd rather just stay in it. I deserve better, so I'm going to go and find it. I'm too old now to be trying over and over again with someone who will shut me out so easily. Nope
Bro how do I get in contact with you, please ❤ My wife is 100% an avoidant and I didn't even realise this existed until recently. We've been together 15 years, married 6 and there's always been issues and something not right about her. We're beyond happy and in love but every year she'd go cold and we'd have an awful few weeks until we talked it through and worked it out. It's only now since we've been seperated for the last 6months, I've moved out and only now with space and time I can see where the issues were. I spent the first few months pretty much begging and talking to her about our marriage and how much I love her and nothing worked. It's only recently since I moved out and went no contact it really feels like she's suffering inside and starting to reach out. She's had issues with her dad since a child, rejection trauma and now he's died a couple years ago seems like it's ramped it all up and I'm caught in the middle of it with 3kids. Man I need some advise because we have 3 kids together, the love and connection is 100% there but the traits are pushing us apart. Help me
@@reneehaynes8289 she won't try therapy as a couple. She's adamant that it's over and doesn't see a way forward the way she feels right now The longer I'm away the stronger I'm getting and realising everything that's happened. It's a real shame coz she's a fantastic woman and wife, incredibly loyal over the years but these issues of pushing away is destroying it Such a shame
@@maryblue75 I think it won't work in a long run if they don't work on themselves but I'm curious how it looks in the beginning. I think I've had this with one person, the chemistry was strong, I've never felt anything like this before but it ended very painfully for the two of us😢
I disagree with the point that they don't care about you and that they're selfish. If they're an ethical avoidant, thry care, but do not realise the behaviour is hurtful because of their wounds.
Why is it that they don’t realize they hurting you? We know they are avoidants & they have fears, but are they also stupid?! Of course they know, but they discard still
People who are confused about what they want will make you confused about what you are worth.
I just walked out on a guy who did this. After trying to talk and have mature communication and thereby get closer to each other. I was treating him with love, honesty and consistency. He started loving and kind but slowly became more distant and was flat out ignoring my communication attempts at the end. I said goodbye and disappeared. Also explained to him that there would be no third chance (this was the second chance already) unless he's 100% sure he wants me und unless he works on his avoidance issues and workaholism. It hurts a lot. It felt like we're soulmates. I don't think he's a bad person, just broken. I forgive him and pray for him. Im the meantime I can feel the emotional energy I invested in him slowly returning to me. Feeling better every minute. Every time I doubt my decision or start ruminating I come back to this channel.
One thing I can truly appreciate about you Coach Ryan is that you don’t let the avoidant off the hook and then you come back and encourage the rest of us not to either.
So many trainings and coaching out there always has the other person changing. While I agree the other person for sure needs to take care of themselves, you make sure there’s avoidant accountability too.
Appreciate you Man.
Their behavior makes them unlovable. Self fulfilling prophecy
couldnt have said it better
If you get anxiety or mixed messages, please leave that person alone. Letting someone else dictate your happiness is unhealthy and will wreck your nervous system. I can date avoidants because I have a partial avoidant side, but we are similar so I can speak some of their language. Being an anxious attachment though? I would never try pursuing a severe avoidant. It's like trying to make the backside of magnets stick.
EXACTLY " It's like trying to make the backside of magnets stick."
That was my mistake... I thought the anxiety "was my fault". And not his behavior.
@@gayleneflower398 I disgree
I love the way you communicate and encourage people to stand up and hold dignity. Thanks so much
This is exactly true, she asked for a two week “time” a month and half before her discarding me, she kept me on her WhatsApp profile picture, she was extremely rude whenever I contacted her like if it were another person, even asked me once if I called her and then dropped her phone on me. After the two weeks expired I contacted her on my birthday and she didn’t even said hello, I told her I wanted to speak in person, when we met she was completely deactivated. We tried things out, then bang! Discarded me two months before our wedding. Still hurts as if it was yesterday! Very traumatising and abrupt! I’ll always think she was a little girl in the body of a 31yrs woman.
Wow, that’s exactly what I thought about my ex today: a boy in a 47 (!) year old body…. Arrested development is a trauma response.
@@tinalu4695mate! Today I wanted to contacted her, Coach Ryan video on going and staying in no contact saved me. I really miss her, but we should keep or dignity. They discarded us, not us to them. We were willing to work daily on our relationships, it’s their loss not ours! Although it hurts as hell!
Totally with you on the rude thing, during the time she was not deactivated, never said one rude word cause the first time she even said idiot in a joking manner, I told her clearly that this is not going to happen again. She did never again. But with deactivating and forgetting all the positive and awesome things, with the flaw finding level 100000 (we do not match long term due to the fact that I need 10mins in the bathroom in the evening or I would have such a long line - she meant that it would take to long for me when leaving the house that I check got all my things in the pockets back in cold times) - things no other human EVER mentioned to me haha She is simply the prime example. After 4nweeks no contact she came by to bring me my stuff, she was super deactivated, told her after 5min ill get her shit and she can fuck off. Grabbed wrong stuff, things got funny, told her to stop this artificially mad mood against me. She literally said yeah it’s kinda difficult to keep up with rest Alkohol. From one second to the other she was her old self. She cuddled me, wanted to get a kiss suddenly she said we practivće now so that next time it works better. She said that. 2 weeks later, only sporadic contact, like 1% of contact we had previously. Everything was fine. Suddenly she said she doesn’t Wanne share her life with me. Sure girl, you get a check on the list for avoidant signals on every box but even as a fucking psychologist she doesn’t realize it. Asked her if she thinks her avoidant attachment would affect her behavior. SHE LAUGHINGLY SERIOUSLY SAID NO, DODDNG AFFECT HDER
@@smaimer4974Guys that can't take a joke are the worst. It's for the best she got away from you.
@@tinalu4695This! So well said.... it is a trauma response!
For months, I thought he never had good role models of mature behaviour so I excused him with that in mind. But no, there is a wall around his heart and emotions, it is palpable and it stops him from growing. For me, he is like a wounded eagle. His wound so severe that he will never fly. No contact all the way.
I deeply appreciate your content. I get that leaving an avoidant isn’t always an option for some, for various reasons, but for sure it is a red flag / deal breaker for me now that I am single again.
Never again will I knowingly and willingly be with an avoidant.
10 months in, spent holidays together, met his family, spent every weekend together, traveled together, "we're just friends". Crazytown..i don't think i have it in me anymore.
I love this guy ❤, an amazing communicator thank you so much for this videos, ❤
I adore all his explanations.
I do too…I just wish he didn’t look a lot like my former FWB/avoidant. 😬
These kinds of people are like a gaslight to reality and real emotional connection.
That speaks to my soul!
I sent this video to my avoidant ex who I’ve basically been in limbo with on and off for years, and let’s just say it was not well received 😅. But it’s very true and powerful. Thank you.
@Coach Ryan - This is why I am glad your channel appeared in my feed. You give us no nonsense pep-talk common sense guidance, that is not pandering to and constantly saying to understand and repeatedly give to the avoidant, but for us to choose ourselves - as we wouldn't do to the avoidant what they repeatedly on a loop, do to us. Thanks again. Much Love, Anita xxx 😊 🏴🌹🇬🇧😁.
I lost my temper and told him off...so I will probably not hear from him, but I just couldn't take it anymore! Makes me so sad...
"They are NOT intending to NOT hurt you, either" "It's a reflection on them because they are selfish"..... thank you so much Coach....it is true, i was anxious all the time, I even started drinking, I never knew what mood he would be in next...They have to know what they do b/c they must have a lot of relationship problems, at least that's what he told me when I met him...I should have listened!
Reminds me so much of Narcissists, Lovebomb, Discard, Flying Monkeys, Hoover rinse and repeat!
Yes ! I’m an Aries so sometimes I lose patience and get mad lol . I hate being stonewalled and dismissed just for saying I care . I can be understanding up to a point
Just broke up and this video really conforted me. Thanks! It’s not fair to be in such a relationship
Yep. I figured it out. I WAS too good for him.
After this final discard, I have decided not to be “friends” and move forward. It's been two years and he is still unsure, I am no longer convinced he can see who I am and that’s ok. I can’t be upset someone is choosing to be blind.
Let's just be friends but they want to have sex and treat you like a partner but no commitment
This is why you have to go no contact to reset the relationship back to healthy standards. Never tolerate a situationship. Prevent it by standing by your standards no matter how much you feel for them or like them.
@@basicinfo2022 no contact forever - when I state my needs and expectations clearly and someone gets exactly what they want but give a smidgen back and expect that to work - that's manipulation. And hell no
Can 1000% relate to this. Everything but the label. Dated(mind you they were looking for validation elsewhere), grey area, FWB, lived together, everything but married. Love each other, Known her for 9 ½ yrs. Very Sad and unfortunate for both parties. Done being the rock for them, and merely a 2nd option.
@markray2496 they are very selfish and not husband material. They lack loyalty, discipline, and integrity.
@@miami4005 yes
A gap started as we developed feelings and it grew larger to the degree that disrespectful behavior started on his side. I told him I couldn't accept a half-hearted man. "You are giving so much, and I am making you unappreciated," he said. "you must be feeling heartbroken, isolated, lonely, sad, and hurt... " he said. This was the moment of clarity for me, that I must leave. He was completely aware of the pain he was causing. He could not or did not want to break up, and he kept breadcrumbing me. It all happened in 3-4 weeks, from the gap starting to the moment I broke up with him. I loved him but I broke up for my self-respect, dignity, and my self-love.
Good for you I hope you are proud of yourself!
He enjoyed the benefits of the relationship so did the absolute bare minimum (to keep you) by the sounds of it.
I tried establishing boundaries in the most caring, non-confrontational way possible. I spent an hour tweaking the message so that it wouldn’t come across as threatening or judgmental. After asking only for the bare minimum, she immediately replied “I’m not capable of doing that”, followed by a bunch of aggressive messages and ghosting once again (she had come back 2 years after discarding me). 6 months later, she has a boyfriend and seems to have no trouble parading him in social media, which inexplicably doesn’t trigger her nearly as much as me asking her for open and honest communication. So I don’t know, whether you set boundaries or don’t, sometimes there’s just no winning. And the worst part is I’m left wishing I hadn’t set boundaries so that she wouldn’t have ran into another man’s arms.
Brother.... If she cared she would have come running to you. They are actually like robots. You are brave to set healthy boundaries. It is not easy. Keep going. Love from India🙏
Problem is being with an avoidant will make YOU act avoidant with ppl that really want you.. and then YOU get the shame feelings. Don’t imagine scenarios/fantasize about ppl that won’t spend time about you
Right! If you spend enough time with them you eventually become like them. Unhealthy! Insightful post.
True.....
This video is gold and 1000% what I needed to hear. Hugely relevant and well explained.
6 months, no commitment. Left him while I was down with pneumonia. I had time to think, as I was entirely alone, and in bed all day. I just decided it is over, I am done. And broke up, and since it was long distance and he does not like to talk over the phone, I broke up over text. It felt sooo bad, but I think he preferred it that way. No contact with him now for 3 weeks, and I am comming out on the other side. i am good, all good.
Almost same here. No contact for a week. Long distance and I broke up after a very frustrating conversation on the phone, and then some text that made my blood BOIL. An avoidant man who comes in and out of my/your life without commitment…w long distance on top. Crazymaking
Getting dumped by an avoident showed me that I have been avoident in the past, but never had a fear of being close. I would have never thought I be greatfull for the excruciating pain, but I am ready to change and become more secure.
All of this. Every single word. Well said.
From the still utterly destroyed place im in.
Never forget that you ARE LOVE, and LOVED. ❤️🔥✨
Thanks!
This is call COWARD disorder!
Yyesss
Hahaha😂👏👏👏
They ARE unloveable and you ARE too good for them. Let’s stop classifying the way DA’s treat others as simply an insecure attachment style and start classifying it as what it is - emotional abuse. That’s the difference between the attachment types. The others aren’t emotional abuse and avoidant absolutely is. Anyone who’s experienced it knows this. It’s awful. Even if it’s not malicious it’s still 100% abusive and obliterates the mind of the counterparty. Ultimately they are responsible for themselves and how they treat others. A neglect or failure to improve the issue is solely on their shoulders. You can’t even say that it’s a joint issue to solve because literally any mention whatsoever of the problem causes them to shut down, withdraw, and/or lash out. So you can’t even begin to help them. It’s like dealing with a drug addict that has zero desire to get sober. You will decimate your own life and sanity trying to help or endure the abuse.
I agree with this 💯 %
Me too! @@Saylerk9
Excellent comment! All these videos calling it avoidant/unhealed/unhealthy/maladaptive etc. Im done with these adjectives. Its pure psychological abuse & emotional abuse, nothing more.
You're amazing. I've just found you here on YT and you're the best coach if it comes to FA. Videos are not enormously long. Everything is explained well and in an approachable way. Thank you.
Gutted. Thank you for your wisdom.
Sorry. Hope u learn to move on.
@@vanessaG275 No other choice. Moving forward, not looking back. Dodged a bullet. Their loss!
@@RobertSchumann-ox6eh Yes absolutely. Their loss but sadly people like us have to carry the pain.
@ But I’m a very firm believer in Karma! And she can be a bitch.
100% facts after realizing and studying this for a few years
God bless you for helping me understand this madness!
You’re tough in a gentle way … thank you for all your videos
Wow I am so thankful for your message, I thought I was going crazy with the situation with my ex, I am trying to find the way to be financially independent again so he doesn't feel he can come and go whenever he wants, I have cried a lot, you give me hope❤
Well, it’s true. Too good for them 🤷🏻♀️
This is such an uplifting video... so True .. one of the best around x
You have such a gentle delivery of such hurtful and sensitive information. Some influencers on the topic teach in a way that gives me more anxiety and sadness about my avoidant so - to- be ex husband. I thought he was only a narcissist, but recently discovered the that he is also a fearful avoidant. I had no working knowledge about these attachment styles until only a week ago. I was able to describe his behavior, but couldn't give it a name nor attribute a root cause, until now.
How did you become so knowledgeable? Hopefully, it wasn't through personal experience. It's painful. You seem to have such peace about you, even while talking about such dark topics.
There is a book called Attachment written in the 70s by the psychologist who researched attachment and the relationship with childhood and created the attachment types
@@warchyldelt167 Thank you 😊
I have a PDF copy of the book, if you like I can email it to you, if you send your email address
Wish I also knew these things before, I'd be able to deal with my avoidant ex much better. I ended up doing some of this coach's advices because I'm secure, but still, I questioned myself for months. Am I needy, insecure, fearful? Turns out that no, it was her avoidance turning me into an anxiety bomb. I'm glad I can see things clearly now.
Thabkw Coach. I just broke out of this cycle. Its still painful but those videos help a lot. Thank You
same I feel for ya
@@gayleneflower398 stay strong. Process I formations in logical way, then emotional way will follow up. Believe me one day I'm alright and going nuts on next one. We will be alright at the end and we will grow. Leave them behind.
This was exactly what I needed to hear right now! Thank you!
It's funny cos my DA husband does this yet calls ME out for being abusive and toxic. It's a major headache.
My mother once told me that I was “a shot in the arm for his self esteem” referring to a guy who was the come here go away type. Oh, how right she was. 😮
Here's the other side of that. I was the one dumped by an avoidant, but he's the one that gets nervous and ghosts at the idea of friendship. He volunteered to take me to work, told me he was doing it because I was his friend but left me standing at the train station a few days after I leaned in and calmly said that he didn't have to volunteer to do that if he didn't want to. He insisted that he did want to do it, said I was his friend but ended up not even showing up for something he started. He would come to my house, after the breakup, and fix everything I never asked him to bother with, sit and chit chat for hours and when I would call to see if he was doing or feeling better, or ask him if he wanted some old computer cords I'd found in my laundry room, he'd either ghost me or practically curse me out as if I was stalking him or something. My point is that I'd be just fine being simply his friend. We've known eachother half our lives and it frankly would put me at peace with the whole situation. I wouldn't feel breadcrumbed, or used or any of that other stuff. Just two human beings who agreed to disagree. I'd just continue feeling that I'd learned something useful about how strong, and empathetic, and clear on who I want to be and who I want to be around when I want to be around them.
I love you man , thank you
Wow. This makes so much sense. Thank you.
omg my anxiety is at its peak. has taken me over a month of riding my e-skate daily to get the self-compassion I have for myself. I still have some anxiety, but its not as much as it was a few weeks ago. My boundary was very abruptly placed and I told her I'm going away. Had I known sooner she was a DA I would have approved her behavior differently.
She increasingly put me on the back burner for 6 months, then literally tried to breadcrumb me while I was breaking up with her. Unbelievable
You are so much right. Your content is so helpful for those who are in any dynamics with an avoidant. Thank u ❤
Thank you great video!
Is exactly what I have done set my boundaries! 🙏
I am experiencing this atm with my DA bf of two years. Unbeknownst to him .. I have his old phone (dumb arse) and he’s currently texting his ex gf, reaching out, trying to hook up with her. I need to get my finances sorted as we have a house together and I will end things soon.
Great video, thank you so much for sharing this insightful reflection 🙏✨
Your videos always give great advice and knowledge. Thank You
Your videos are the best
They’re great just found this
Avoidants and their breadcrumbs !!!!! Never again, I learned what to look out for
My avoidant ex finally blocked me, but for some reason I now feel a huge sense of relief and not pain.
I am LITERALLY DRINKING MY ANXIETY away. EFF THIS
I got everything you mentioned in the first few minutes, except the love part. 5 months of NC now and not a peep from her. Fine by me :)
This was just happening to me but I cut it off, I told him all I know about who he is, i explained the whole personality of an avoidant, and what he is doing and I wished him good, I decided to move on and I removed him from social media. I didn’t know he was an avoidant until after the break up. We broke off about 20 days ago, and he kept reaching out but there’s not consistency, only text msgs, he even invited me to go out, I acted cold with not much enthusiasm, then he said I had fun with you we will do this again, and then he kept the same energy, not consistent no emotions. Honestly I don’t need all this confusion, so this was the best decision, I am walking away and not looking g back, because I can’t change him so I won’t go through this again, it’s a waste of time.
Proud of you
One person's mixed messages is another person's definition of a toxic hot mess dumpster fire lol
Yesss
The title is very apropos. I asked "where are we in this relationship" her answer "we are in limbo". Three months later, she left without a word. I made the decision to go no contact and it has been 5 months.
This man was so selfish. I held my boundaries and told him NO 🚫
Excellent...your best video yet!
“Good then, bye”
-likes a photo a month later
-.-
Ain’t saying shit
You gotta come to me
Betrayal hurts
Lol ignore breadcrumbs
It hurts but bring me that whole cake
I liked one back days later
#fail
But no messages girl till you act right or in my favor
Excellent clarity ❤❤❤ thank you 😊
Very useful information for understanding avoidant behavior
I left him, he kept telling me that he wasn't ready...3rd try in 22 yrs😢
Exactly that i what I did dumped and never looked back
Amen!
So the best way after all is NC? Heal myself and move on?
yes, you will not get closure if that's what you are hoping for
It is. 4½ months of no contact for me today. I don't ever want to hear from her again. I'm not even slightly curious to know what she's up to. It's none of my business!
@@tabarnakopoulos that's a good approach
@spiritwanderer777 coach Ryan's videos help a lot. Plus, I have professional help also!
@@tabarnakopoulos Yep. It's been since Valentines day for me. Hang in there, me too!
I have had this experience, recently.
So true 5 weeks of breadcrumbing i finally put a stop to it. A week later calls me to tell me shes dating her co worker and blocked me. Same week i fine her dating app profile!! Yet she loves me smh. I did email her telling her we are done her value will never be the same. Havent talked since. Going on 2 weeks no contact. I try to explain to her i couldnt do this roller-coaster anymore her response was i dont have the urge to see you. Ok... gdbye
Which goes to show exactly how selfish they really are. They don't care about you. Guarantee you she's miserable, but that's not your problem. Make sure you block her back everywhere so she can't try coming back or keeping tabs on you. Remind yourself that the right person would never resort to this bullshit, and remind yourself of that when you think about the times when things were "good" with her because those moments will come up.
Thank you coach you are so right
I wonder if it's common to lose one's temper with these people? And their insanely crazy making inconsistency, contradictory behavior? Because, I stated my boundaries, nicely, peacefully, I talked them out... Communicated with respect. And they were all broken. My mistake was not to LEAVE and stay OUT of the relationship, cos then I came back twice. And I lost it... I was losing my temper over and over again, until I managed to break up in a bad way!! He didn't want to cut the relationship, but didn't do the right things either. Is it also common that they push your boundaries to the limit?? So you lose your temper? Provoking... What THEY KNOW will ignite you? Or is that more of narcissism? I felt terribly bad at the end. It was all insane. It surfaced my whole trauma. Like "the worst version of myself" when I spent so many years doing healing work!! 😢
Yupp! Then they play victim and act like they did nothing wrong and like you’re the crazy person! But the gag is they don’t really like level headed ppl. They want you to flip out!
@@jessicab331 Ahhhh so they want you in that state...Because I'm very peaceful, but with this guy I lost it. Thank you!
When you flip out it's easier for them to manipulate you because you can't think with a clear head. This is when they reverse & twist what's happened to make them the victim, and you end up confused, frustrated & anguished
I was fooled!!!! Ahhh never again
Not mine. Radio silence for over 55 days…
It may not feel like it now, but it’s for the best. But my ex came back after 4 months and the push and pull trauma has been worse then the actual breakup. I wish he had just stayed away. It’s cruel.
He called me I’m a toxic and felt bad for me because I was struggling! F them!
I love your videos 🙏🏼
No, if I gave boundaries he would take the bait and leave. It’s my fault he is the way he is towards me. Makes promises to leave and because I want my marriage I stay but I cry everyday and he can just fall asleep and not care. He doesn’t comfort me when he says ugly things or hurtful things. I’m stuck in limbo until the anxiety and worry kills me. I don’t see a way out and I don’t believe my feelings will ever matter to a God fearing man something I prayed for as a little girl when I would feel scared and alone was a Goodman to be there for me and I would love him the way God intended a wife to love her husband. I got my part down but didn’t get what I had hoped and prayed for. My fault for not knowing anything of self worth now I have none.
I know all of this can tear a person apart, wear them down until they feel like there’s nothing of value left in them. But you DO have something to offer the world: you know what it’s like to love when you’re hurting. You’re a good person for that. And it’s NOT your fault that he treats you like that. The only person that controls what your husband does is your husband. I hope someday you both heal, and that both you and he see YOUR value. A loving soul deserves happiness.
I feel your pain. My husband is avoidant too. Don't abandon yourself for someone who isn't capable of giving you what you need.
You are crying and it doesn't matter to him. Why do you stay with such a person, when I read your lines I can feel you are such a loveable person with a great heart, you deserve better, maybe only your self-confidence which isn't high enough, and with a husband like this that's a normal result, leave him and try to heal your soul, you are only waisting your time with him, do many men with big hearts out there❤
Same. He's walked out on me but not divorced me. I can barely afford to survive.
@wizardofaus2985 My's finish college got a job in another state. And now it's like we're strangers. He won't even call me or send me nothing to help pay my bills. I'm glad I'm in the pin and can pay mine, but it's just a point.
He doesn't talk to my kids,he made them not like him.. he gonna laugh when I say we don't have intimacy, He make fun of the kind of job that I do Now that he graduated from the college
I am bothered by the background music.
I don’t really know why.
It’s pleasant music and not very loud.
It's distracting
How do I rewire my brain to heal after this?
Cut contact w the avoidant, and find a healthy man
@@Fnx9955 there is no contact with the avoidant for years now. I don't want another man now, I want to fix the damage and be happy alone for now. Besides, I can already see how the trauma I got will affect future relationships if I don't fix it.
You're already asking the right questions, maybe try entering it into youtube or google search bars.
Imho the best thing to do is to NOT isolate. lsolating yourself will only feed insecurities until you're just as emotionally damaged as your ex.
There's no easy method and if you experienced childhood trauma's of your own and developed an anxious attachment (like l had), focus on improving and healing yourself. There are other videos that has helped me but l dont have links & even if l did, l wouldnt provide it here, because it is your journey.
For me personally (l'm about to turn 49) l had buried all my pain, hurt, betrayal etc for decades.
After experiencing yet another failed anxious (me) - avoidant type relationship, l had a complete emotional and mental breakdown.
After a week of not being able to sleep (l dont recommend that btw) for the 1st time since l was very young l truly wept, and began soothing myself, my inner child if you will, just as l would gently soothe any of my children.
That helped enormously and lve truly begun the healing process with the aim of becoming secure within myself.
Hopefully l have a future happy relationship but am prepared to be okay if l don't.
Simply put,
l've let it all go.
Perhaps therapy (CBT or antidepressants etc) might help you more than they did me, everyone is different and, honestly, it takes as long as it takes. l just don't want to be on my deathbed so full of regrets like my Mum did.
l really wish you the best and sorry if this was a bit long for you, hope it helps. ❤️🩹
@asvestidos same. Before my DA husband I've had years af narc abuse. I'm so traumatised.
@@matildastanford7019I'm just so lonely.
Soul destroying
My husband's avoidant tendencies didn't come out until after we were married and had our first 2 miscarriages. Eventually he told me he only wanted to marry in order to have kids and that if we couldn't then he wouldn't be a good partner. Well another year and 3 more miscarriages and he has only continued to bread crumb. I am sad because I married him for love come what may. And if I leave then I lose my chance to have a baby (just trust me on that). So I keep hanging on.
I'm so sorry. That's so devastating and cruel. Maybe try therapy?
@@reneehaynes8289 I'm in therapy, but it doesn't matter unless I commit to leaving or have a baby or he commits to getting better. And I can't make him want to get better.
I hate to say this because I don't want to crush your dreams but I have to be honest: He is holding the idea of a baby over you. He is not a good partner to raise a child with. He will do the same by raising ultimatums to his children, and when they cannot provide what he is looking for, he will neglect them too. You deserve a partner who will love you regardless of the presence of a child. Conditional love isn't love, and that's not a marriage worth staying in. You can take his words at face value and seek better for yourself, or you can continue going through pain by keeping him in your life but functionally acting as if you were single. Frequent miscarriages are not easily overcome, and if they keep happening and he is withdrawing as a result, I think it's a sign to let him go before you feel trapped in a relationship with him because you have a child to raise. I wish you all the best. 🧡
@@ThePsychicClarinetist thank you, you're right 🫂🙏🏼
@@ThePsychicClarinetistas a Woman in a non good enough mariage I can tell it doesn’t help to get pregnant and keep it. Our bodies know better. As women we need to be loved first then the child will be loved because the father loved his wife. Not the other way round it’s wrong.
You forgot, “I don’t wanna be in a relationship right now not with anyone”….. Then you see them online immediately telling their lies about how they want a long-term RS, they don’t want drama, although they make it, they don’t want couch potatoes, but they’re the one that sits on the couch and smokes pot… I am very bitter. I did not have the best upbringing, and I don’t treat people like that. There’s no excuse to treat people like the way they treat them.
👍
How do I know if someone is avoidant or if they just have Grass is Greener syndrome which keeps them from committing? I left him, but curious for future relationships.
i am not an expert but have really been learning about this stuff from various sources and i think the 'why' they wont commit is irrelevant. I am going through this now and realized that the bottom line is that they are simply not committing and we should do our best to not ruminate about the reasons why they arent. If they are avoidant, we can empathize with them but they either way they still are not committing, regardless of the reason
She pulled this crap (I love you, but am not in love with you) after 21 years of marriage, 15 of it sexless and emotionally vacated by her once she got the kids adopted, she simply threw me out. She has emotionally discarded me, breadcrumbing and false hope daily... I am only staying for my daughter as I don't want her to have to deal with this (she has some special needs) - she says she needs time to try and re-engage, but 7 months on in counseling, she is still not moving.
That is crazy. I made this song "Stuck In Limbo" ruclips.net/video/C5SraOZpDS0/видео.html on 9/20 three and a half months after being ghosted by a long term avoidant girlfriend... I didn't even know what attachment theory was before this.. =\
Man me too!!!! I didn’t know either!!!! It’s Some crazy shit. More like a waste of time. It’s very exhausting and unnecessary. Get fixed you crazy people!!! Your life is short. Oh well they can die alone scared that someone loves them. Figure that out.
Boundaries are right. Just like you do with a narcissist. Block their number. You need to look out for yourself and understand that you might have fun with them and truly feel something for them- don’t let them in. These people are good for hookups not relationship material. Just like a narcissist they are not going to change. Damage is done. I’m an avoidant from childhood with narcissistic parents so I’m warning you. Keep it light and look for a stable partner with relationship history.
Thank you but having a relationship history doesn't mean anything because they lie about why the relationship ended and you never get to actually see how they were in those dynamics. I get it. Having a relationship history shows they're kinda normal but still...everyone lies anyways so I'm sure they lie about that.
@@reneehaynes8289 you will know- especially if they say all exes were “crazy” or if don’t have social media or LinkedIn or anything that can verify their behavior .
@@Vps3689my husband told me not to promote our engagement on social media because he said it was between "us" and the world just wants to tear apart good things.
I respected his wishes.
Turns out he'd already been married, left that one for a woman he had an affair for, left the affair woman for me and has now since abandoned me.
they can catch these hands..ridiculous
So I just went no contact with my LDR girlfriend of 3 years. I Have done everything to bridge our 1000 mile distance, I was gonna drive to see her she said don't in the beginning, so after a bit of time I bought her a plane ticket, she mysteriously went distant the day of flight and said she was sick, so we made up after all that and about a year ago I drove 1000 miles to see her and I ended up sitting in the hotel for 3 days before driving home cause she avoided me when I showed up. So its been a year since me going to see her and I finally said to her if she can figure out a way to see me let me know, but until then we are not gonna communicate. We have facetimed and never gave her any money so its not that type of situation I just think whenever I get close she avoids.
I'm dealing now with an avoidant for the first time, we are 5 hours apart and after 3 meetings in the beginning he now avoids to meet me again with the most ridiculous excuses. We haven't seen each other in 4 months !!!! He will not let me break up , even though I thought this behavior is because he is not interested.
Don't know anymore what to do, just so stupid.
Can you make a video about this maybe ? Why do they avoid meeting in real life ?
Let him go.
@@saiiijan yes, im thinking about it right now. I ended it already 10 times and he never lets me, it's so super annoying. He would write me super long texts and calls but after some days we have the same problem. Don't know what to do anymore
@@frostqueen4904 Get you completely, it drives one bananas and not to mention how this affects your intuition and your sense of self. Back and forth, but the thing is, the longer you try to be there and try to `help` the worse they get. Talking on experience, went through the most strenuous situationship for 9 months, were I applied all my patience and knowledge to make this work, setting healthy boundaries was one of the reasons for him to get scared and start blaming me for putting pressure on Love, going now through the most painful breakup. Now he decided that this hurts him too much and that he has to end this for good. Blocked me and made himself unreachable. Such a devastating situation, so many wounded people being hurt and hurting them selves. There must be a way to heal. Do not quite advocate with the motion of judging and discarding... if anyone finds a way to cure this and ascend from the disability to love, please let me know
@@saiiijan Update: I let him go and found someone else who isn't avoidant. Never ever again with an avoidant
I need a video on how to be an avoidant's friend. My best friend is an avoidant, and i want to make him feel safe. I dont know what makes them feel secure.
They are highly independent and has high self esteem to a point they don't need friends. Even with friends, they don't open up fearing vulnerability might be perceived as weakness due to their childhood. Read up on traits of DAs. He might not treat the friendship at the same level as you think.
He'll forever be flakey AF. Not only is my ghost husband DA, so are 2 of my so called friends.
why am I finding out about it so late...
that's what i've been saying to myself too . I really understand. But let me just share this as a thought. You found this not late, but exactly when you needed it. I wish you the best.
Better late than never.
Thank you
Mine was going through something vaguely traumatic at the time that affected us both but her more. Two days before, she was saying how supportive I was, how thankful she was and how she couldn't wait for it to be over to finally start making our future plans.
Two days later, its our anniversary, I'm feeling a bit sad so I'm a bit quiet. I know not to say much usually as it triggers so I just say, bit sad for you today because of how ill you feel, bit sad we couldn't have our weekend away...
As a result, I'm being selfish for feeling that way while she's going through stuff. Wants 2 weeks space until its over out of nowhere when we'd had sex 2 hours prior. Then calls me unsupportive and so on, gaslighting against things she knows isn't true.
So being a caring person and understanding her needs for the most part, I take a step back. Say I apologise, offer the space, say that if she feels she needs to let go or needs a cuddle to let me know. Get told to stop playing with her emotions while she's like this.
So calm few days goes by, a pre-op appointment comes which I was told not to take her to, but she's too ill so asks if I will. Big step I thought, letting me back in a bit. Didn't want to touch or kiss or have me anywhere near her.
Were ok, took her home, then said she needed her mum (who she said she wouldn't call because she'd judge her) and not me when she felt ill. Let it go.
I offer support end of that day, if you need anything let me know, if you can't get out etc, I love you and I'm here kind of thing. Told off again.
Make some dumb remark the following morning as a joke about one of her friends (nothing offensive to them or her in the slightest), get a wtf, followed by a break up text.
Literal usual carbon copies of words. Moving in together feels "wrong" so I must be the wrong person for her. It's not me that doesn't want it anymore its her.
Dumb thing is, holidays booked, shared bills, actively getting me to know her friends etc, we were in a good place (and we'd alresdy broken up once so I knew what to expect).
So my more secure attachment kicked in since I worked on myself a lot during the first break up and introduced some minor boundaries. She even opened to up me about something that happened to her as a kid that not a single soul on the planet knows about except me. So yeah my attachment kicked in and I just turned off then. I thought to myself, typical, said she would do some work last time and didn't, so I pushed her into blocking me by telling her I know what she's doing and stop lying to me and herself, and accept the truth and that people won't abandon you. I knew it wouldn't go in and I knew it would trigger her to block me.
Least this way we both get some closure, and she may think so badly of me that she doesn't come back to hurt me again. Or maybe she'll grieve the loss down the line and realise she's lost a true person and actually do something to change.
Who knows. No longer in my life after 2 years, and the bits where we were together were for the most part amazing, although yes giving 95% of yourself for 5% back is about accurate. Depends how comfortable you are doing that. Coming from an anxious to dealing with the internal stuff over time it didn't bother me as much, but I knew my limits. Love is a choice after all, and it's a giving action, so there shouldn't really be a give too much. There's definitely a give too little even to someone that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt you're the love of their life, they still can't fully commit or even really try. It's very sad.
I feel guilty I can't be there to stand by her while she has her operation tomorrow, but I've tried. She KNOWS I care because she's told me plenty of times she's never been loved this well before or appreciated for who she is or been with someone that doesn't judge her. So she knows I would be there if it was possible. We're on a week NC, and I don't expect that to ever change now unless after that's over the grief hits her and she realises she's fucked up. It'll take a lot to go back though, she's needed proper counselling for her childhood trauma for a long time, as its the main reason for her underlying depression too. You feel obligated as someone who cares to feel for them, but there's only so much you can do before you have to walk away and wash your hands and say, I did my absolute best to show this person a world where they could finally be happy outside of all of the shit they've been through in their life... and they'd rather just stay in it. I deserve better, so I'm going to go and find it. I'm too old now to be trying over and over again with someone who will shut me out so easily. Nope
My avoidant ex has been breadcrumbing me with limbo
Bro how do I get in contact with you, please ❤
My wife is 100% an avoidant and I didn't even realise this existed until recently. We've been together 15 years, married 6 and there's always been issues and something not right about her.
We're beyond happy and in love but every year she'd go cold and we'd have an awful few weeks until we talked it through and worked it out.
It's only now since we've been seperated for the last 6months, I've moved out and only now with space and time I can see where the issues were.
I spent the first few months pretty much begging and talking to her about our marriage and how much I love her and nothing worked. It's only recently since I moved out and went no contact it really feels like she's suffering inside and starting to reach out. She's had issues with her dad since a child, rejection trauma and now he's died a couple years ago seems like it's ramped it all up and I'm caught in the middle of it with 3kids.
Man I need some advise because we have 3 kids together, the love and connection is 100% there but the traits are pushing us apart.
Help me
Go get therapy please. Maybe get your kids therapy too because they're going to end up avoidant like her if you don't.
@@reneehaynes8289 she won't try therapy as a couple.
She's adamant that it's over and doesn't see a way forward the way she feels right now
The longer I'm away the stronger I'm getting and realising everything that's happened.
It's a real shame coz she's a fantastic woman and wife, incredibly loyal over the years but these issues of pushing away is destroying it
Such a shame
@@SparkySteve.They don't think they need therapy.
Dear coach can you make a video about 2 avoidants, what happens in the early dating, what's the dynamic between them? 😊
@@flower_7890 currently in this situation, kind of. I would also like a video about it
Probably like the backside of magnets. How can it be good? Only if both do therapy
@@maryblue75 I think it can work because both understand each other’s struggles. But yes only if one or both are getting some kind of help
@@maryblue75 I think it won't work in a long run if they don't work on themselves but I'm curious how it looks in the beginning. I think I've had this with one person, the chemistry was strong, I've never felt anything like this before but it ended very painfully for the two of us😢
This is me
Mmm never again
Help.... 😢
OH MY GOD
THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING. I AM IN HELL.
Walk away
That makes 2 of us. Stay strong and move on
I disagree with the point that they don't care about you and that they're selfish. If they're an ethical avoidant, thry care, but do not realise the behaviour is hurtful because of their wounds.
Na. They selfish. only care about themselves. “Ethical avoidance” isn’t a real thing.
Why is it that they don’t realize they hurting you? We know they are avoidants & they have fears, but are they also stupid?! Of course they know, but they discard still
@@rose-of-theoasis it's called defenses for a reason
@@DM-wv6to Yes, so they hurt their partners knowingly under the claim of defending themselves against potential hurt and abandonment
@@rose-of-theoasis potential ? Everything in life is potential. We don't abuse others cruelly with excuses like potential.
I have a pdf copy of the book, if you send me your email address i can send you the book
What book?
Yes pls
@happygoesalwayslucky5966 its called attached
@@warchyldelt167 can you send the pdf pls?
@@wizardofaus2985 I'd need your email address buddy