@@Missybella92227you're absolutely right, they don't tolerate it bc ive tested this theory..they start to then get upset and antsy and ask why havent I texted them back?😅 theyre some sons of bitches lol jk nah they are when they dont want to put in the work ☺️
Then stop telling them you cheated in them or are cheating on them, don't do something that a person would want to leave that's not avoiding that's trauma from doing something most people wld leave over. I'm not an avoidance. I have never avoided talking about problems in any of my relationships but you do things that shatter a person's heart and expect them to just be ok.
This has been most heart breaking time in my life. So much pain in trying to find the logic then I find this and it mirrors everything. I love him without question but the pain is immeasurable because we never receive the answers, can never obtain peace. Anyone who has never been in an avoidant relationship will never understand the heartbreak it is to love one.
@@VVixen78 you too - I absolutely feel your pain. Same for me, left me second time around. I am trying so hard just to tell myself “let it go”. It’s so hard but all we can do is try to heal and accept they just will never comprehend how their actions affect those who love them.
@satyajeetpatnaik3780 this was same for me. The pain it causes is unimaginable. He acted in exactly same way. I finally said “I’m done”after constant blowing hot and cold, ghosting and I can’t do it to myself any more. I am looking forward and not back. The actions prove the feelings each and every time.
Haha unintentional abuse is a great description. When I get hurt he acts so surprised and calls me sensitive. Last week he sent me a bunch of middle finger emojis as a 'joke.' these people are quite amazing in a negative way. I'm good. Never again.
That was a great advice, thank you. For myself I decided to move on and I would rather be alone for rest of my life then let my ex back. The amount of pain and loneliness I felt in that relationship is not worth the risk. Heal your heart and attachment style and stay no contact, no matter how much you loved them. That's my way.
Thats how I described my relationship, lonely 🙁 he'd never respond to my txts. Or he'd read them and not reply. Great when I was with him. But lonely in-between. He dumped me via txt on Monday. We were supposed to be getting married in September. 2 years trying to give all my love to an avoident. 😢
@@beaker7353 omg, i'm so sorry :( believe me you spared yourself from a probably lonely marriage, but I know it hurts a lot. sending you a hug... you're not alone. ps. my ex also was great when we were physically together, otherwise I might as well not exist... I left a month ago after 3 years of being together.
25 years of marriage and the fourth time he discarded me during the relationship (saying the most hateful unforgivable things he ever said to me) I finally learned my lesson I’m done no contact for a year and a half now - he is dragging his feet with the divorce he filed - I have a new house - new job/promotion healing and building a new life for myself NO WAY I’M LETTING CHAOS BACK IN
Good on you cyndit6572!!!! The avoidant I dealt with dropped me like a hot potato when I brought up the subject of him getting to know my little baby (I'd just been divorced when i met him)!!! I wasn't PUSHING, just bringing up the discussion to see WHY he was ignoring my precious little 2-month-old baby, since he claimed to be falling in love with me. He broke it off immediately , GHOSTED me for over 1 month without a word!!! When i did talk to him awhile after that, HE RANTED AND RAVED AT ME, YELLING ALL KINDS OF INSULTS AND LIED ABOUT HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN TALKED TO LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I WAS JUST FLOORED & APPALLED, IT WAS ALL LIES!!! Unbelievable. NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!! Most painful, cruel thing I've ever been through.
I was an avoidant narcissist. It requires years, and ego death. It's inevitable for many people to face the consequences of their behavior. Just don't bet on it.
I am 37. I have been through so many relationships and I recently went through another breakup. This was the breakup that finally helped me see that I'm an avoidant and what that means. I have accepted responsibility for my avoidance and I wish I could've seen this sooner in life. I am on a path to healing my avoidant attachment and I hope other avoidants out there take accountability and do the work. You deserve to be loved and to properly love people.
I really hope you do the work and good luck it's so hard being in a relationship with an avoident, as I say I wish the best for you and do a lot of healing, take care
I hope you'll 👀 videos from these channels & also seek therapy, an avoidant attachment style is the most dysfunctional to be completely honest because it causes the most damage to both yourself as well as anyone you ❤️.I tried getting to know a nice guy for almost 3 months & realized he was an avoidant at around the 2 month mark when he started the push/pull cycle & started the breadcrumbing...I was so happy to run like my butt was on 🔥 from him to be honest, the behaviors were just plain gross.He didn't reveal much about himself so it was easy for me to run, but he knew me pretty well since I'm secure and comfy sharing some of the things that have happened in my life & I 💭 developing feelings is what set off his fear... He's a dismissive avoidant.Anyway it's refreshing to 👀 you taking accountability & responsibility, far too many just want to keep their head up their butt rather than face their fear & pain.
They verbally paint a fantasy but show you who they really are through their actions. Take notice. Ask yourself what part of you allowed them to continuously cross your boundaries.
That's some beautiful poetry right there🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Some of us are securely attached & ran from an avoidant quickly though...I didn't even last 3 months before running for the hills & I'm honestly really proud of myself actually🤗.
Regrettably they won't because they don't care about the damage they do to others, They'll just move on to the next and cause the same damage. They're basically psychopaths with no empathy or feelings for anyone else, extremely selfish individuals, it's all about them and what they can get.@@walkertranger5746
She is coming over to pick something up. ( on my birthday) i said no to just friends a few weeks ago. Lets see if she is ready or more breadcrumbs that ill reject
He said he'll do therapy. Then went to 1 session where instead of talking about emotional issues, he spoke about work... They have good intentions, but lack the commitment to follow through...
Most of them go MANY years before ever seriously considering that they have a big problem that needs therapy....I've 👀 folks literally saying they've been tortured/married to these trainwrecks for 30+ years & they're (STILL) trying to get them to change😬.It's absolutely valid advice when most people in these comment sections just flat out say to simply avoid getting involved with an avoidant in any kind of capacity, most of them won't choose to face their demons.I was getting to know a nice guy & realized after only the 2 month mark that he was a dismissive avoidant and I ran like my butt was on 🔥 about 2-3 weeks after that because I spent an entire week 💭 about how to word my last text before walking away in the hopes that he won't try to bother me down the road with that breadcrumbing garbage.I have pity for these people but I also don't have time for people that won't reciprocate my energy/time ultimately.
OMG - this came at the right time. My DM is coming back 8 months after no contact and boy do I have my walls up ! I have never felt pain like I felt when he up'd and ran for what was to me as no apparent reason. It was one time too many. My goodness, the pain was crushing Never again. Thank you.🙏🙏
I’m at the same boat. Mine came back 7 months after nc. I didn’t answer his message so he texted me again next month “I miss you”. Im no going to let my walls down till he seek therapy and apologize for his immature behavior
His behavior is deeper than immature. I suggest you learn as much as possible. Takes two. These people are hurt and your gonna have to have special skills to deal with this. Its a you both issue. 34 years with DA. I understand what I am saying. I wish I knew this stuff 38 years ago.
@@johnmaus4408 You are speaking THE TRUTH!!! I'm glad you warned her and I pray she takes heed!! Most PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD!!! THEY CAN BE SO CRUEL!
This is actually quite empowering for us anxious-attachers who are afraid of getting hurt again by the one we can't stop loving. I really appreciate you for this. Thank you.
Sharing my personal experience, I once dated someone with dismissive avoidant tendencies. The relationship was marked by constant fluctuations, with him being hot and cold. After our breakup in 2021, I felt heartbroken but still saw him occasionally. Fast forward to March this year, we reconnected, and he seemed genuinely interested, expressing how much he missed me and was comfortable around me. We even discussed the possibility of taking things slow and rekindling our connection. However, just days later, he informed me that he needed space and time to be alone, despite harboring no ill feelings towards me. This turn of events left me utterly shattered. Through my experiences, I've learned that change is often elusive in such situations. If anyone's wondering whether people like him can change, my answer, based on years of experience, unfortunately, no.
Thanks for sharing your story dear, it's a good warning for others.I've heard stories from a few others warning about them trying to come back & pretending to act like they've healed or become securely attached when in reality they weren't.
Do you think they do learn lessons though? I was told it’s a mental health condition, that only intensive therapy, willingness to heal can ever help them? The traits are so similar to NPD I’m not sure they do learn lessons.
Thank you sir. This is both informative and comforting. As a christian ive played back in my mind bringing them back unconditionally, but the more i learn I feel like the conditions are a healthy boundry for the both of us. Forgiving is one thing. Reconseleaton is another.
God and my experience with a DA ex taught me a lot about love and forgiveness: I wanted to break up with my DA ex out of anger, several times during two years. I also wanted revenge, and knew precisely how to hurt her. Three times I was stopped by references to 1 Corinthians 13 popping up in different places, within seconds or minutes. Fourth time I was stopped by an article about attachment styles popping up. The fifth time I guessed that she was going to break no contact the day after an event and started getting angry - then a reference to 1 Corinth 13 popped up again, and I treated her with kindness. After a while she startes talking to me more often, but the situation was just getting worse. As a new believer, I was questioning both my faith and the signs I was given. Would God really want me to forgive and take back a person who treated me like she did? One day, I prayed for a new sign - and got one immediately. A cheesy-looking motivational video called "God Is Telling You To Let Them Go" popped up on RUclips. A bit into the video, I heard something that made me connect many dots and once. In short, I realized that I never would have understood the situation if we had ended things earlier. Ending it before I understood her, attachment theory and our relationship would have brought out the worst in me, maybe permanently changing me and my worldview. Despite the damage that avoidant people can do to others, they are also very fragile, and I would have hurt her tremendously if I had been left to my own devices. Now I ended things in the most loving way possible. It was painful, but I had tried for so long and given her so many chances. Staying would have enabled her issues, broken me and affected other loved ones. Forgiving doesn't mean that we have to keep taking back someone that is continually abandoning us. The love that Paul spoke about is wishing and doing the best for someone else, and sometimes the best thing for them is to let them go.
I hear you … same boat… conditions and boundaries only … God centered relationship only where two are climbing on two sides of triangular towards God to meet. It’s a tough one. I understand your forgiveness.
Done and done…. I put him in his place, and I left him there. He’s very clear on the fact that I love nobody more in this world than myself. Unless he ever takes accountability for anything that he has done he will never ever ever step foot on my path again.
I really like how you presented this. It really hits things head on… I went back several times even with conditions… But it ends up in the same place and I am pretty damn happy now so I’m perfectly happy to send him some macaroni and cheese to go with his breadcrumbs… I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I’m just looking for something better.
Block them. It’s not immature. It’s necessary to heal and get them completely out of your system. They rarely change or get better. They don’t take responsibility.
You know what I did?After less than 3 months I HAPPILY ran from a nice guy I was trying to get to know like my butt was on 🔥 once the push/pull cycle, ghosting for weeks, & breadcrumbing started up and then I 👀 up what I was dealing with online.I just made a big final text message that was respectful & mature about it and that was it😁.You can absolutely be mature regardless of whether they choose to be or not, sometimes it's a mark of being mature when you understand that you need to walk away from a person because they're unhealthy for you to know🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
I finally have clarity .. it’s not me!! I have gotten So many lessons from my avoidant, Learnt so much about myself, I emotional matured, I learned about healthy boundaries, I learned to be in my feminine energy and not try to take control or move things forward because I’m ready, I learned to go with the flow, do things I love to do, that make me happy. I learned self love, self care, to be high vibrational. But this! This information gave me a light bulb! I’m so glad to be off the roller coaster, and now I know exactly what I need to do when he comes back, how to say thanks and goodbye and good luck on your healing process. Thank you Ryan I forgive myself. ❤
if you wanna have your heart broken again, let them get back into your life again. My ex contacted me after a month of no contact (she discarded me). she Just asked how i feel and if i am ok, i said that im fine and hope that. she is doing well to. She said that she would like to start again, rebuilt out relationship - i set a boundary, if you have contact with your ex please let me heal, dont wanna have my heart broken again. After few messages she said that she is flying to Spain with her ex to Spain for Holiday, never let this girl Come back to your life, once discarded, it will happen again, there are sick people, egoistic and completely not worth spending time on. Coach your doing great job, keep on doing it.
He is spot on. I did this 22 years ago. She came back for various reasons, security being one of them. If one decides to take them back I certainly would not just move back in or even have sex. I would treat this as an experience that is new without sex. I would require therapy for both and see how they are receptive to therapy, sharing, committing to listening and really participating. I would stay separated for maybe even a year while in therapy and dating. This will give time to see how invested they really are. Mine came back and resumed the avoident behavior. Unfortunately this was 23 years ago and attachment style wasn't popular to learn about. They are not bad people. You just have to set boundaries about required growth.
In your experience are they entertaining someone else? :0 mine was bread crumbing, the last one were concert tickets to my favorite band, he reached some days later after I didn’t reply immediately. I mirrored him and got him plane tickets so he could come to the concert with me hehe. He was shocked, said he didn’t think it was a good idea as he had a lot of economic and work issues atm… but that I “deserved to see my fave band and that I should go with whoever I wanted. I put a boundary up and requested direct communication. Haven’t seen anything on social media, I’m in no contact and radio silence. I haven’t receive any form of breadcrumb sin 22 days. No gps notifications, no tik tok profile watches, he can’t give me likes as I’m not posting anything, No posting on past posts, nothing. I’m wondering what will happen.
My church gaslit me in to thinking I was the issue with my avoidant wife. I had to do everything for her and I was always wrong. It was brutal. After she left, they even told me to love her unconditionally. Which I do desire to do because that's what God does for me. But I cannot ever take her back ever again unless I see repentance and I see that she understands what she did to me.
Right on. Funny, when the avoidant I was in a relationship who had dumped me out of the blue, came back to contact me 3 months later - I said one sentence and nothing more... 'Dude have some dignity." I'm sure he fell over in shock and boy did it feel good to dismiss him in four words.
He ended it after promising a future and commitment - days later he said couldn’t do it and that was it. Then reaching out to me, I told him no, I could not have him in my life the way he is. It doesn’t stop the pain though, although I pray time is a healer…
@@RhondaJane-z2m Time is a healer when you also dig into the ways this person wasn't really all you thought they were - for example, turn the tables and ask yourself if you would ever handle a person the way they did - I doubt it - and then reflect on how bad their behavior was and how they plain didn't care about you and what sort of person is that? Someone not worth my time or thought quite frankly
Learnt this the hard way..discarded twice 1st time even flew to her..second time was worse..now I'm working on myself to make her regret it working on myself while she doesn't is the best revenge
I wish I knew all these things two years ago. She came back after a decade, and then discarded me again. The first discard didn't look too serious, because the relationship was just beginning. It hurt, but it it seemed like fair play. When she approached me again I thought she had seen the error of her ways, and I slowly started working towards a relationship again, and just as I was ready to ask for commitment she discarded me again. I'm not sure what conditions I could have set, but it would have been a very good thing.
Seriously they dragged their badly damaged butt back around you after an entire decade🤯😳???Was there no contact & it just happened out of the blue after all that time passed?
My ex-DA let one of my cats escape out of spite. He lied to me about it (and still does), refused to do anything to help me find her, and she never came home. Then he plotted to move out without telling me months before our lease was up, owing me thousands of dollars. Two years later he contacted me to take the two kittens he had adopted-- that I raised-- so he could move to another state to be with his NEW girlfriend. I lost my baby because I let a DA into my life. I almost lost my apartment because I let a DA into my life. I had to intervene and help find homes to two innocent, traumatized and neglected animals he refused to let me keep when he left, only to discard them once they were no longer convenient-- because I let a DA into my life. Has he ever had a shred of remorse? No. So I will never let a DA anywhere near my life ever again. Nothing can redeem losing an innocent living being to wild coyotes because of some DA's petty vindictiveness. NOTHING. It is unforgiveable and he doesn't even care. The juice with DAs is never worth the squeeze, and the risk of giving them a chance could cost you everything.
4 months after I was ghosted she reached out apologizing and then was gone again as fast as she reappeared. Been back in NC for almost a month. I'm not waiting around, but this crap is just weird
It's not that weird. Behind the scenes there's something else going on with another person/s, and so she's hot/cold towards you depending on how hot/cold the other person/s is/are towards her. Protect your heart.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved him so much i can’t stop thinking about him and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
My dear, I understand how you feel about your situation but I’m still going to tell you that this is not the end of time, because so many of us especially we the ladies. So many of us lie in bed and scroll through social media after a breakup. They want to see their ex, check in on what they're doing, and maybe even do a little spying. But absolutely none of that is helpful. I’m still going to still explain more to you about my situation with my man is a long story but I’m still going to cut it short to your understanding my dear. I was in a relationship with my man for the past 6 years and both of us were planing for the marriage and both of us were excited about that, but one day he left home a came home late and he was angry and I asked him what is wrong he didn’t answer me I was so confused about that he suddenly changed at that moment and the next statement to comes out of his mouth I’m not interested anymore I was dying inside me at that moment and he left me just like that and move to another state. I was crying because it really hurts but I was still having this mindset that everything is going to work out for me. And one faithful day I came across a video on the RUclips channel tarot reading and I was watching the videos on daily basis but not knowing that there is a solution to my problems. Later that night I was sleeping I received a message on my phone from a lady that lives in Croatia that there is this man that can help me with my situation at that moment I was nervous and she told me everything about this great man she told me that if I need his help to I should hit him up on his WhatsApp and I did whole and behold my story changed and the other the week my ex text me I was so happy and now my man is back to me and we are back together and we are getting married any moment from now. All thanks to Dr. Felix he was the one that helps to bring my man back. If you are still interested in his service You can hit him up on WhatsApp +2348114476566
During the last 6 months,I've thoroughly watched numerous videos about how to treat an avoidant-when & if he/she reaches back. I must admit that your positioning is the most understandable & logical of all. Congratulations!!!
Very sound advise 👍🏻 I only hope my ex reaches out so I CAN lay down the law to her. A few months ago, I would have been guilty of taking her back, no question. But not now. As you say, they MUST be made to do the work. Thanks mate 👍🏻
I appreciate the way you offer hope for avoidants Coach Ryan. So many people here say you shouldn’t ever take someone back, but actually everyone deserves to be loved and if they are willing to do the work and you hold those boundaries then I want to believe you when you say avoidants can become secure. I am somewhat avoidant myself, as well as anxious, and I have found your videos so helpful in understanding an incredibly painful situation I have been in. Thank you for everything you’re doing - I’d love it if you would do more videos on how to help avoidants become more secure.
Only problem is that a lot of avoidants don't want to go to therapy & put in all that necessary self-work, many prefer to live in denial than face their pain/fear even if it means their life goes down in 🔥 over the long-term unfortunately.Not everyone deserves your time/energy.
I am so glad people are talking about attachment styles because I’ve learned about myself and the avoidant style… And it makes sense that I’m the exact wrong fit for that personality… I would never force myself on someone, but it just never occurred to me that that’s how it felt to them
@@kristinditlevsen6693Nobody is a good fit for an avoidant... Anxious preoccupied will send them running, another avoidant won't keep the relationship together, & finally even a securely attached person will end up disappointed & usually walk away because we're not about that unhealthy type of life.
Wow i watched the stand on business video before bed and woke up to an unexpected text from an ex i stopped talking to for over 3 months now. Right on time instructions ❤ 3:43 thank you again. 😊
My ex came back after a week and started the conversation saying I ruined a beautiful thing we had . Beautiful as long as he yelled at me , called me names , made personal attacks and bullied me till he had me in a corner . I was so confused about how to proceed, but this video gives me direction and clarity . Thanks 😊
Sometimes we have to remember that we dislike the dynamic, not the person. I’m assuming most of us in here were secure at one point with an avoidant partner but got triggered with being anxious towards the end. I know how you all feel 😢 I was with my girl for 2 years living together with our children. The backlash left the kids so shaken and I was in a dark and lonely place. Now I come home feeling it’s like a prison…. And this was a home we wanted for each other for our family. I didn’t know about attachment types until 2 months ago when she actually left. I’ve been working on myself to be in a better place mentally and to not show that anxious side. Remember, when we stop reaching out, they start to wonder like “wth” What I’ve learned so far is when you give them what you want, they will reach out. I hope all of us understand that this person needs to reflect. That will more than likely happen 2-4 months or sooner… you gave then a love that nobody else provided and when they feel it’s lost, I’m sure they’ll try and get the help they need to make it work.
...Many people had that same hope unfortunately based on all the different comments I've been reading, denial appears to be a major issue for them.That's why there's people in 30+ year marriages still trying to get them to get therapy & change.
I'm so glad I watched your videos about not reaching out to them. He reached out after 2 months but I deleted his number so I didn't know the message was from him because he sent me some weird picture ie breadcrumbing. I only responded to him now, 1 month after I saw his text but he acted like nothing happened and wanted to see me
Please tell me you didn't spend time with him😅.If they try to play it off like nothing happened...then that's gaslighting & it's abusive even if their intentions aren't actually to try to harm you.Best to just tell him he needs therapy for his avoidant attachment style & then stay away to protect yourself & focus on being around healthy folks that are able to reciprocate your investment in knowing them❤️🩹👍🏻👍🏻.
@ I did see him, we are not in a relationship so I don't care. We did talk about him disappearing and I made him accountable for his action. He pulled away again as we speak so 3 times strikes, I called him out blocked him this time.
I still have to contact my avoidant due to work files unfortunately. Whats interesting is he now responds asap. Before it would take him a few days. Yesterday he wished me a happy birthday. I promised myself to protect myself from him
@malwads1836 thank you. That's exactly what I am doing. No 'helllo' or 'how's it going?'. I get right to the point. He opens with greetings, updating me on his weekends, and then wishes me 'a good sleep'. I'm over it. I gave him so much of my attention because he asked me for it by pouring his childhood traumas to me. I'm done now and he knows it
This is great advice, but what's missing is for the ex partner of the avoidant to self-reflect and take accountability on their end too. A lot of times people who lean anxious or become anxious come off as volatile when they're trying to get their point across which will naturally make an avoidant or even a secure person step aside and assess whether this is a healthy relationship for them. The other thing is being too clingy and invading a person's time and space. Some people like alone time, but their partners want constant contact which again could push anyone away. I think it needs to be looked at on both sides. Vilifying avoidants alone isn't helpful. Most of the time it's two unhealed people in the relationship hence why anxious/avoidants are attracted to each other yet also repel each other.
Well said. Both sides have work to do. Not necessarily because the partner of the person with avoidant attachment style wasn't mostly wrong , but because whether you were also behaving in ways that inadvertently triggered them, or not, or you take them back or not, you now have some relationship betrayal trauma to deal with. Trauma is like scarring that keeps you from being able to move and act freely and without pain. It doesn't get better without the right kind of therapy.
I was just commenting basically the same thing, but with less patience than you put in your message. Its this coach's tone of voice which is passive aggressive, and their words like "discard", and their absence of self-reflection on both sides into the issues of the relationship, which just comes across to me as one of those self-labeled guru's who made a channel because they are still salty about their ex.
@@0Demiyah0 haha yessss! I pretty much wrote the same thing on another one of his videos asking if he was getting over a break up with an avoidant, because he is making them sound like narcissists using the word "discard". Either that or he just realizes he can capitalize more on these types of videos because anxious people are ALL over these threads commenting and giving each other high fives comparing their avoidant stories. It's ridiculous telling people they do nothing wrong on their end. How does he know? I'm reading comments about how some ended up having a mental breakdown over their avoidant ex when they were broken up with and yet...it's still the avoidants fault. Emotionally stable people don't fall apart this way over a break up. Yes we can be sad, cry and heartbroken. It hurts like hell but we still have lives to live and have to keep our composure with other parts of our life. I wish he would address this stuff because it's unhealthy to put the blame on an entire attachment style. It's toxic advice. The anxious partner can be just as unhealthy if not more.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant in a creepy manner, I think it's narcissistic to keep using the word "discard", emit this thinly veiled rageful energy, be grandiose enough to claim some type of expertise about avoidants or psychology to advice others, omit and avoid the role of TWO people in creating dynamics, downplaying the inner-issues of the one who dated the avoidant and their accountability to grow, projecting only doom & gloom onto people who are open to pursue reconciliation etc. Some of his advice is OK, but it's a kind of copy-paste of what others do but others deliver that message with more emotional intelligence and empathy. This coach does not strik me as very empathic. Either he is kinda narcissistic himself or he's just not that healed, because otherwise, why focus so much on toxic advice?
Unfortunately avoidants can turn secure people into anxious so yes the Avoidant needs to take responsibility since that starts the chicken and the egg problem. A secure person can't heal them but a secure person can heal an anxious person, who is able to change
What does it mean if my DA ex liked a story I posted (It was a picture of myself) during NO CONTACT? Will he try to reach out in your opinion? We've been in NC for more than 3 weeks.
The avoidant does not actually love you. They only loved that you had potential to be a barbie doll in their little playhouse world that they could control. The minute you showed them that you are a human with boundaries and needs, that's when they show you that they're not here to actually love you. Theyre here to just extract whatever they need from you and then put you on the shelf.
SO TRUE!!! I dated him for 1 year and never expressed any "needs" to him. AT ALL. But then, the moment I expressed a need (I wondered WHY he didn't seem to want to get to know my little 2-month-old baby, since he'd claimed he was falling in love with me!), it freaked him out and he heartlessly GHOSTED ME for a month with zero warning!!! Yes, I did feel like his "Barbie doll", as you said. But, when things got heavy (talking about the baby), HE DISAPPEARED!! Most cruel thing that ever happened to me!
Well said. My avoidant has returned after four months, but hasn't really said much. It seems it's up to me to get the ball rolling, which I don't mind, but I will keep in mind that though I may love him unconditionally, our relationship in the future will have conditions. I know of a few boundaries I will have to place between us. Thank you for this video, it makes a lot of sense. ❤
My dear, I understand how you feel about your situation but I’m still going to tell you that this is not the end of time, because so many of us especially we the ladies. So many of us lie in bed and scroll through social media after a breakup. They want to see their ex, check in on what they're doing, and maybe even do a little spying. But absolutely none of that is helpful. I’m still going to still explain more to you about my situation with my man is a long story but I’m still going to cut it short to your understanding my dear. I was in a relationship with my man for the past 6 years and both of us were planing for the marriage and both of us were excited about that, but one day he left home a came home late and he was angry and I asked him what is wrong he didn’t answer me I was so confused about that he suddenly changed at that moment and the next statement to comes out of his mouth I’m not interested anymore I was dying inside me at that moment and he left me just like that and move to another state. I was crying because it really hurts but I was still having this mindset that everything is going to work out for me. And one faithful day I came across a video on the RUclips channel tarot reading and I was watching the videos on daily basis but not knowing that there is a solution to my problems. Later that night I was sleeping I received a message on my phone from a lady that lives in Croatia that there is this man that can help me with my situation at that moment I was nervous and she told me everything about this great man she told me that if I need his help to I should hit him up on his WhatsApp and I did whole and behold my story changed and the other the week my ex text me I was so happy and now my man is back to me and we are back together and we are getting married any moment from now. All thanks to Dr. Felix he was the one that helps to bring my man back. If you are still interested in his service You can hit him up on WhatsApp +2348114476566
I agree with all of this except taking then back straight away conditionally. We're talking about an avoidant here, the moment you do that they'll run. I'd suggest meet up with them 2-3 times so they feel comfortable again and your sure that you do want them back and then set conditions. If they pull away again, there's your answer. But if you bring it up and set boundaries after a few catch ups they might be more interested in listening and reflecting on what you've said instead of setting them before the 1st catch up. Just my opinion. Goodluck out there everyone, avoidants are no easy task but when there good, there sooo good 😮💨
...Or at the least an anxious preoccupied person because they'll usually gradually become more secure over time in a healthy caring relationship if you simply offer them the emotional assurance they need.
Do you know any that have recovered with therapy & are living healthy lives?Are they at risk of snapping back into old habits/patterns after therapy if they experience stressful life events?🤔
I dumped my avoidant gf after 6 years. Her avoidant behavior got worse over the last 6 months of the relationship. Enough is enough, NC for 30 days so far. whether she comes back begging or not, I win. She changes or I find someone else who's a better fit
i hope you do a spanish course on avoidant attachment and on the their lack emotional intelligence , thats would be great in spanish .it would help alot , your spot on on this
My ex came back last month. ..on i put him conditions of commitment of marriage. ...but this man was manipulating me.....and suddenly changed as i asked for commitment.... Its better to leave such people and never talk to them
If they discard you once, they will discard you again and again and again. If you have self respect, you will not let them back under any circumstances. Love yourself more Respect yourself more
My DA ex just resurfaced last week. I'm his idealized phantom ex. I'm playing it step by step so that at the perfect time I'll tell him - kindly but firmly - "I’m moving on with my life, confident I’ll find someone trustworthy, devoted, and caring who loves me as much as I love him. And, let’s be honest: we both know that could never be you. Fidelity simply isn’t in your blood. I now know you’re what’s called a “dismissive avoidant.” Someone who is unable to form lasting, loving connections but who, instead, is always looking for the next thing, even when the best woman he’s ever known is by his side, loving him with all her heart."
@@CrocPit Good point. But it WAS what I needed to do. I was able to see him, get all my stuff back, get answers, apologies, and that most precious of things: closure. THEN I blocked him.
My avoidant took 14 weeks to send a text. I loved her but I wish she had left me alone. Make yourself new and look to your future. Next time, choose very carefully because anxious usually subconsciously seeks and finds an avoidant.
Probably the same as they treated us. Mine had a phantom ex, the rest of them they were mysteries. None of his friends seen any of them, his mother told me the same. He lied to me that his phantom ex used to come to their house like me. Asked the mum and she said she never met any girlfriend before me. The man is 40. They all been stonewalled many times, no exclusive treatment for anyone. His mother even warned me once to be careful with him.
This guy told me the situation changed and he doesn’t want an US. I have told him 2 different times to give me space. And he keeps sending me reels. I have responded a couple times. And another I have just opened it and didn’t respond. What is right thing to do.
Most avoidants suffered some type of abandonment when they were infants. It was not their fault nor their decision. That's what saddens me, they were so damaged emotionally and it was never their fault.
True. And it's not their fault for getting scared or even for breaking up with you. But it IS their fault when they do it in a cruel, dismissive way. EVERYONE knows ghosting isn't okay. Cheating isn't okay. Cushioning isn't okay. Saying mean things isn't okay. If they're going to leave, fine. But they don't have to be mean in the process.
My girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me last July. No contact sense not one word. She's currently engaged to her abusive ex-husband. But recently she's been stalking my social media. Her mother follows me on Instagram and watches all my stories that I post.
I took my ex back and it became a pattern. It doesn't get better if you take them back.
Nope worse
It’s so true. It’s excruciating, I’ve never felt such pain like it and I feel we are all in that experience.
@@RhondaJane-z2mit's so heartbreaking. I'm praying for your healing ❤
It will continue as a pattern.
Same! Never again
These people aren't worth putting up with. They can avoid and push people away forever for all I care. Saves the rest of us from heartbreak.
Agree!!
They wouldn’t tolerate such behavior if the tables were turned.
@@Missybella92227you're absolutely right, they don't tolerate it bc ive tested this theory..they start to then get upset and antsy and ask why havent I texted them back?😅 theyre some sons of bitches lol jk nah they are when they dont want to put in the work ☺️
Then stop telling them you cheated in them or are cheating on them, don't do something that a person would want to leave that's not avoiding that's trauma from doing something most people wld leave over. I'm not an avoidance. I have never avoided talking about problems in any of my relationships but you do things that shatter a person's heart and expect them to just be ok.
I think the conditions he said are awesome.
That is true, they're not capable of being in a close healthy interpersonal relationship of any sort without years of therapy & self work.
This has been most heart breaking time in my life. So much pain in trying to find the logic then I find this and it mirrors everything. I love him without question but the pain is immeasurable because we never receive the answers, can never obtain peace. Anyone who has never been in an avoidant relationship will never understand the heartbreak it is to love one.
This is me right now too, second time of him leaving when things get tough.
It's truly heartbreaking 💔
Sending you well wishes ✨️
@@VVixen78 you too - I absolutely feel your pain. Same for me, left me second time around. I am trying so hard just to tell myself “let it go”. It’s so hard but all we can do is try to heal and accept they just will never comprehend how their actions affect those who love them.
Hell, its a kind of pain i do not wish upon my greatest enemy
@satyajeetpatnaik3780 this was same for me. The pain it causes is unimaginable. He acted in exactly same way. I finally said “I’m done”after constant blowing hot and cold, ghosting and I can’t do it to myself any more. I am looking forward and not back. The actions prove the feelings each and every time.
Ruuuuuuuuun
Don't bother for such a roller-coaster ride of "unintentional" abuse. Been there, done that. Worst emotional pain in the world.
Haha unintentional abuse is a great description. When I get hurt he acts so surprised and calls me sensitive. Last week he sent me a bunch of middle finger emojis as a 'joke.' these people are quite amazing in a negative way. I'm good. Never again.
That was a great advice, thank you. For myself I decided to move on and I would rather be alone for rest of my life then let my ex back. The amount of pain and loneliness I felt in that relationship is not worth the risk. Heal your heart and attachment style and stay no contact, no matter how much you loved them. That's my way.
Thats how I described my relationship, lonely 🙁 he'd never respond to my txts. Or he'd read them and not reply. Great when I was with him. But lonely in-between. He dumped me via txt on Monday. We were supposed to be getting married in September. 2 years trying to give all my love to an avoident. 😢
@@beaker7353 omg, i'm so sorry :( believe me you spared yourself from a probably lonely marriage, but I know it hurts a lot. sending you a hug... you're not alone. ps. my ex also was great when we were physically together, otherwise I might as well not exist... I left a month ago after 3 years of being together.
😢 My heartfelt sympathy for you.
I agree - but the healing afterwards I don’t feel is easy at all and will take time. I have never known so much pain ever.
@@RhondaJane-z2m I know, it's freaking painful, I'm going through it myself.
25 years of marriage and the fourth time he discarded me during the relationship (saying the most hateful unforgivable things he ever said to me) I finally learned my lesson I’m done no contact for a year and a half now - he is dragging his feet with the divorce he filed - I have a new house - new job/promotion healing and building a new life for myself NO WAY I’M LETTING CHAOS BACK IN
🌸🩷 xx
37 years here
Congratulations! Good for You ❤
Good on you cyndit6572!!!! The avoidant I dealt with dropped me like a hot potato when I brought up the subject of him getting to know my little baby (I'd just been divorced when i met him)!!! I wasn't PUSHING, just bringing up the discussion to see WHY he was ignoring my precious little 2-month-old baby, since he claimed to be falling in love with me. He broke it off immediately , GHOSTED me for over 1 month without a word!!! When i did talk to him awhile after that, HE RANTED AND RAVED AT ME, YELLING ALL KINDS OF INSULTS AND LIED ABOUT HOW OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS!!! I'VE NEVER BEEN TALKED TO LIKE THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!! I WAS JUST FLOORED & APPALLED, IT WAS ALL LIES!!! Unbelievable. NEVER EVER AGAIN!!!! Most painful, cruel thing I've ever been through.
Let's go team healthy ra ra ra!!!🥳🎉🎊
An avoidant can get help and heal. If the avoidant is a narcissist, there's no hope for change.
The avoidant needs to want to change… avoidants do avoid accountability
@joev7014 hence "the can get help." Seeking help would follow the desire to change.
@@jackielayser8430yes haha 100%
100% correct 👌🏻love and light to you - we’ve been through hell and I’m not going back there 🫶🏻
I was an avoidant narcissist. It requires years, and ego death. It's inevitable for many people to face the consequences of their behavior. Just don't bet on it.
I am 37. I have been through so many relationships and I recently went through another breakup. This was the breakup that finally helped me see that I'm an avoidant and what that means. I have accepted responsibility for my avoidance and I wish I could've seen this sooner in life. I am on a path to healing my avoidant attachment and I hope other avoidants out there take accountability and do the work. You deserve to be loved and to properly love people.
I really hope you do the work and good luck it's so hard being in a relationship with an avoident, as I say I wish the best for you and do a lot of healing, take care
@gwynnethdavies8017 thank you for the well wishes 🙏
@@killsmileinc your very welcome 😊
This was a challenge to admit. Definitely a big step. It’s great you’re showing accountability and moving forward in a Healthy manner
I hope you'll 👀 videos from these channels & also seek therapy, an avoidant attachment style is the most dysfunctional to be completely honest because it causes the most damage to both yourself as well as anyone you ❤️.I tried getting to know a nice guy for almost 3 months & realized he was an avoidant at around the 2 month mark when he started the push/pull cycle & started the breadcrumbing...I was so happy to run like my butt was on 🔥 from him to be honest, the behaviors were just plain gross.He didn't reveal much about himself so it was easy for me to run, but he knew me pretty well since I'm secure and comfy sharing some of the things that have happened in my life & I 💭 developing feelings is what set off his fear... He's a dismissive avoidant.Anyway it's refreshing to 👀 you taking accountability & responsibility, far too many just want to keep their head up their butt rather than face their fear & pain.
These people are sadist and it hurts. You have to decide if you're a masochist.
AGREE!
They verbally paint a fantasy but show you who they really are through their actions. Take notice. Ask yourself what part of you allowed them to continuously cross your boundaries.
That's some beautiful poetry right there🌞👍🏻👍🏻.Some of us are securely attached & ran from an avoidant quickly though...I didn't even last 3 months before running for the hills & I'm honestly really proud of myself actually🤗.
@ you’re lucky the longer you stay the more it sucks when they leave
When u discover yr with an Avoidant- leave now.
As hard as it is...save yourself the sh*tshow. 🙏❤
And to those of you who are avoidants … please get help !
Regrettably they won't because they don't care about the damage they do to others, They'll just move on to the next and cause the same damage. They're basically psychopaths with no empathy or feelings for anyone else, extremely selfish individuals, it's all about them and what they can get.@@walkertranger5746
@@walkertranger5746they do but it doesnt work because they dont want to change
Preach it dude. Never again dealing with this level of heartache.
She is coming over to pick something up. ( on my birthday) i said no to just friends a few weeks ago. Lets see if she is ready or more breadcrumbs that ill reject
He said he'll do therapy. Then went to 1 session where instead of talking about emotional issues, he spoke about work... They have good intentions, but lack the commitment to follow through...
They are too incoherent
Most of them go MANY years before ever seriously considering that they have a big problem that needs therapy....I've 👀 folks literally saying they've been tortured/married to these trainwrecks for 30+ years & they're (STILL) trying to get them to change😬.It's absolutely valid advice when most people in these comment sections just flat out say to simply avoid getting involved with an avoidant in any kind of capacity, most of them won't choose to face their demons.I was getting to know a nice guy & realized after only the 2 month mark that he was a dismissive avoidant and I ran like my butt was on 🔥 about 2-3 weeks after that because I spent an entire week 💭 about how to word my last text before walking away in the hopes that he won't try to bother me down the road with that breadcrumbing garbage.I have pity for these people but I also don't have time for people that won't reciprocate my energy/time ultimately.
😂😂
OMG - this came at the right time. My DM is coming back 8 months after no contact and boy do I have my walls up ! I have never felt pain like I felt when he up'd and ran for what was to me as no apparent reason. It was one time too many. My goodness, the pain was crushing Never again. Thank you.🙏🙏
Stop calling him a DM. He is a broken man child. His parents abused him and society contributed. Reality is far better than an unreality I find.
8 months? 3 months maximum, mine came back after 45 days
I’m at the same boat. Mine came back 7 months after nc. I didn’t answer his message so he texted me again next month “I miss you”. Im no going to let my walls down till he seek therapy and apologize for his immature behavior
His behavior is deeper than immature. I suggest you learn as much as possible. Takes two. These people are hurt and your gonna have to have special skills to deal with this. Its a you both issue. 34 years with DA. I understand what I am saying. I wish I knew this stuff 38 years ago.
@@johnmaus4408 You are speaking THE TRUTH!!! I'm glad you warned her and I pray she takes heed!! Most PAINFUL RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD!!! THEY CAN BE SO CRUEL!
Stay a way from them thats your best bet !
Yes.. once is enough!
After I healed my childhood wounds, I decided never again was I going to allow myself go back to what I fought my way out of.
This is actually quite empowering for us anxious-attachers who are afraid of getting hurt again by the one we can't stop loving. I really appreciate you for this. Thank you.
Sharing my personal experience, I once dated someone with dismissive avoidant tendencies. The relationship was marked by constant fluctuations, with him being hot and cold. After our breakup in 2021, I felt heartbroken but still saw him occasionally. Fast forward to March this year, we reconnected, and he seemed genuinely interested, expressing how much he missed me and was comfortable around me. We even discussed the possibility of taking things slow and rekindling our connection. However, just days later, he informed me that he needed space and time to be alone, despite harboring no ill feelings towards me. This turn of events left me utterly shattered. Through my experiences, I've learned that change is often elusive in such situations. If anyone's wondering whether people like him can change, my answer, based on years of experience, unfortunately, no.
Thanks for sharing
Thanks for sharing your story dear, it's a good warning for others.I've heard stories from a few others warning about them trying to come back & pretending to act like they've healed or become securely attached when in reality they weren't.
Do not take these ppl back under no circumstances treat them exactly how they treat you then they will only learn their lessons never trust them
Do you think they do learn lessons though? I was told it’s a mental health condition, that only intensive therapy, willingness to heal can ever help them? The traits are so similar to NPD I’m not sure they do learn lessons.
No they won't. They will still find a way to blame you
@@RhondaJane-z2m so that makes even more sense never to take them back
Thank you sir. This is both informative and comforting. As a christian ive played back in my mind bringing them back unconditionally, but the more i learn I feel like the conditions are a healthy boundry for the both of us. Forgiving is one thing. Reconseleaton is another.
God and my experience with a DA ex taught me a lot about love and forgiveness: I wanted to break up with my DA ex out of anger, several times during two years. I also wanted revenge, and knew precisely how to hurt her. Three times I was stopped by references to 1 Corinthians 13 popping up in different places, within seconds or minutes. Fourth time I was stopped by an article about attachment styles popping up. The fifth time I guessed that she was going to break no contact the day after an event and started getting angry - then a reference to 1 Corinth 13 popped up again, and I treated her with kindness.
After a while she startes talking to me more often, but the situation was just getting worse. As a new believer, I was questioning both my faith and the signs I was given. Would God really want me to forgive and take back a person who treated me like she did?
One day, I prayed for a new sign - and got one immediately. A cheesy-looking motivational video called "God Is Telling You To Let Them Go" popped up on RUclips. A bit into the video, I heard something that made me connect many dots and once. In short, I realized that I never would have understood the situation if we had ended things earlier. Ending it before I understood her, attachment theory and our relationship would have brought out the worst in me, maybe permanently changing me and my worldview.
Despite the damage that avoidant people can do to others, they are also very fragile, and I would have hurt her tremendously if I had been left to my own devices. Now I ended things in the most loving way possible. It was painful, but I had tried for so long and given her so many chances. Staying would have enabled her issues, broken me and affected other loved ones. Forgiving doesn't mean that we have to keep taking back someone that is continually abandoning us. The love that Paul spoke about is wishing and doing the best for someone else, and sometimes the best thing for them is to let them go.
I hear you … same boat… conditions and boundaries only … God centered relationship only where two are climbing on two sides of triangular towards God to meet. It’s a tough one. I understand your forgiveness.
Well said! And helpful @@dinodino1766
Done and done….
I put him in his place, and I left him there.
He’s very clear on the fact that I love nobody more in this world than myself. Unless he ever takes accountability for anything that he has done he will never ever ever step foot on my path again.
Yes. It hurts even more the nexy time and the next.
I can't do that any more. Heartbreak 💔
I really like how you presented this. It really hits things head on… I went back several times even with conditions… But it ends up in the same place and I am pretty damn happy now so I’m perfectly happy to send him some macaroni and cheese to go with his breadcrumbs… I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I’m just looking for something better.
Block them. It’s not immature. It’s necessary to heal and get them completely out of your system. They rarely change or get better. They don’t take responsibility.
You know what I did?After less than 3 months I HAPPILY ran from a nice guy I was trying to get to know like my butt was on 🔥 once the push/pull cycle, ghosting for weeks, & breadcrumbing started up and then I 👀 up what I was dealing with online.I just made a big final text message that was respectful & mature about it and that was it😁.You can absolutely be mature regardless of whether they choose to be or not, sometimes it's a mark of being mature when you understand that you need to walk away from a person because they're unhealthy for you to know🌞👍🏻👍🏻.
I finally have clarity .. it’s not me!! I have gotten So many lessons from my avoidant,
Learnt so much about myself, I emotional matured, I learned about healthy boundaries, I learned to be in my feminine energy and not try to take control or move things forward because I’m ready, I learned to go with the flow, do things I love to do, that make me happy. I learned self love, self care, to be high vibrational. But this! This information gave me a light bulb! I’m so glad to be off the roller coaster, and now I know exactly what I need to do when he comes back, how to say thanks and goodbye and good luck on your healing process.
Thank you Ryan
I forgive myself. ❤
Just block then they dont desearve anything
same here! finally progressing after all the pain feels so good and deserved
if you wanna have your heart broken again, let them get back into your life again. My ex contacted me after a month of no contact (she discarded me). she Just asked how i feel and if i am ok, i said that im fine and hope that. she is doing well to. She said that she would like to start again, rebuilt out relationship - i set a boundary, if you have contact with your ex please let me heal, dont wanna have my heart broken again. After few messages she said that she is flying to Spain with her ex to Spain for Holiday, never let this girl Come back to your life, once discarded, it will happen again, there are sick people, egoistic and completely not worth spending time on. Coach your doing great job, keep on doing it.
I still love my ex but I won't reconcile unless he gets therapy and helps himself instead of apologizing I'd rather them take action. I deserve love ❤
He is spot on. I did this 22 years ago. She came back for various reasons, security being one of them. If one decides to take them back I certainly would not just move back in or even have sex. I would treat this as an experience that is new without sex. I would require therapy for both and see how they are receptive to therapy, sharing, committing to listening and really participating. I would stay separated for maybe even a year while in therapy and dating. This will give time to see how invested they really are.
Mine came back and resumed the avoident behavior. Unfortunately this was 23 years ago and attachment style wasn't popular to learn about. They are not bad people. You just have to set boundaries about required growth.
In your experience are they entertaining someone else? :0 mine was bread crumbing, the last one were concert tickets to my favorite band, he reached some days later after I didn’t reply immediately. I mirrored him and got him plane tickets so he could come to the concert with me hehe. He was shocked, said he didn’t think it was a good idea as he had a lot of economic and work issues atm… but that I “deserved to see my fave band and that I should go with whoever I wanted. I put a boundary up and requested direct communication. Haven’t seen anything on social media, I’m in no contact and radio silence. I haven’t receive any form of breadcrumb sin 22 days. No gps notifications, no tik tok profile watches, he can’t give me likes as I’m not posting anything, No posting on past posts, nothing. I’m wondering what will happen.
@@robabicicletasHopefully you'll just stay away.
My church gaslit me in to thinking I was the issue with my avoidant wife. I had to do everything for her and I was always wrong. It was brutal. After she left, they even told me to love her unconditionally. Which I do desire to do because that's what God does for me. But I cannot ever take her back ever again unless I see repentance and I see that she understands what she did to me.
Hopefully you were the one that dumped the avoidant. Never be desperate enough to take them back. Good grief, have some dignity.
Right on. Funny, when the avoidant I was in a relationship who had dumped me out of the blue, came back to contact me 3 months later - I said one sentence and nothing more... 'Dude have some dignity." I'm sure he fell over in shock and boy did it feel good to dismiss him in four words.
He ended it after promising a future and commitment - days later he said couldn’t do it and that was it. Then reaching out to me, I told him no, I could not have him in my life the way he is. It doesn’t stop the pain though, although I pray time is a healer…
@@RhondaJane-z2m Time is a healer when you also dig into the ways this person wasn't really all you thought they were - for example, turn the tables and ask yourself if you would ever handle a person the way they did - I doubt it - and then reflect on how bad their behavior was and how they plain didn't care about you and what sort of person is that? Someone not worth my time or thought quite frankly
Even if you lay out conditions, they pretend for a while
And then repeat the patterns, this time, worse than before.
Thank you Ryan... i believe spirits brought this video to show me before I could took any step. Thanks alot cause I didn't know what to do.
Learnt this the hard way..discarded twice 1st time even flew to her..second time was worse..now I'm working on myself to make her regret it working on myself while she doesn't is the best revenge
I wish I knew all these things two years ago. She came back after a decade, and then discarded me again. The first discard didn't look too serious, because the relationship was just beginning. It hurt, but it it seemed like fair play. When she approached me again I thought she had seen the error of her ways, and I slowly started working towards a relationship again, and just as I was ready to ask for commitment she discarded me again.
I'm not sure what conditions I could have set, but it would have been a very good thing.
Seriously they dragged their badly damaged butt back around you after an entire decade🤯😳???Was there no contact & it just happened out of the blue after all that time passed?
I love your style of treaching, thank you for having great balance
My ex-DA let one of my cats escape out of spite. He lied to me about it (and still does), refused to do anything to help me find her, and she never came home. Then he plotted to move out without telling me months before our lease was up, owing me thousands of dollars. Two years later he contacted me to take the two kittens he had adopted-- that I raised-- so he could move to another state to be with his NEW girlfriend. I lost my baby because I let a DA into my life. I almost lost my apartment because I let a DA into my life. I had to intervene and help find homes to two innocent, traumatized and neglected animals he refused to let me keep when he left, only to discard them once they were no longer convenient-- because I let a DA into my life. Has he ever had a shred of remorse? No. So I will never let a DA anywhere near my life ever again. Nothing can redeem losing an innocent living being to wild coyotes because of some DA's petty vindictiveness. NOTHING. It is unforgiveable and he doesn't even care. The juice with DAs is never worth the squeeze, and the risk of giving them a chance could cost you everything.
4 months after I was ghosted she reached out apologizing and then was gone again as fast as she reappeared. Been back in NC for almost a month. I'm not waiting around, but this crap is just weird
It's not that weird. Behind the scenes there's something else going on with another person/s, and so she's hot/cold towards you depending on how hot/cold the other person/s is/are towards her. Protect your heart.
Use your delete and block button. If she does it again call her out and I guarantee you she will never return. They're emotional cowards.
They are weird people
@@passerby6168 facts! They’re cheaters
@@passerby6168 professional cheaters! Its not an anxiety disorder
This Coach voice is so calming 😊
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved him so much i can’t stop thinking about him and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t.
I have been in such a situation. My relationship ended about three years ago, but i could not let her go. So i had to do all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual adviser who helped me bring her back. We are back together, and i must say i am enjoying every moment.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Maurice Gleti, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
There are a lot of "spiritual advisors" that will take advantage of your pain & scam you out of $$$$. Don't do it. ❤
Behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated
My dear, I understand how you feel about your situation but I’m still going to tell you that this is not the end of time, because so many of us especially we the ladies. So many of us lie in bed and scroll through social media after a breakup. They want to see their ex, check in on what they're doing, and maybe even do a little spying. But absolutely none of that is helpful. I’m still going to still explain more to you about my situation with my man is a long story but I’m still going to cut it short to your understanding my dear. I was in a relationship with my man for the past 6 years and both of us were planing for the marriage and both of us were excited about that, but one day he left home a came home late and he was angry and I asked him what is wrong he didn’t answer me I was so confused about that he suddenly changed at that moment and the next statement to comes out of his mouth I’m not interested anymore I was dying inside me at that moment and he left me just like that and move to another state. I was crying because it really hurts but I was still having this mindset that everything is going to work out for me. And one faithful day I came across a video on the RUclips channel tarot reading and I was watching the videos on daily basis but not knowing that there is a solution to my problems. Later that night I was sleeping I received a message on my phone from a lady that lives in Croatia that there is this man that can help me with my situation at that moment I was nervous and she told me everything about this great man she told me that if I need his help to I should hit him up on his WhatsApp and I did whole and behold my story changed and the other the week my ex text me I was so happy and now my man is back to me and we are back together and we are getting married any moment from now. All thanks to Dr. Felix he was the one that helps to bring my man back.
If you are still interested in his service
You can hit him up on WhatsApp
+2348114476566
They are an ex for a reason.
Exactly.Everyone describes these people as their exes, very few are in here saying they're happily with them.
During the last 6 months,I've thoroughly watched numerous videos about how to treat an avoidant-when & if he/she reaches back.
I must admit that your positioning is the most understandable & logical of all.
Congratulations!!!
For 2 years and forever because she's secretly happy with that someone else now, unhealed. I won.
Ryan you’re absolutely SPOT ON!!!
Very sound advise 👍🏻
I only hope my ex reaches out so I CAN lay down the law to her. A few months ago, I would have been guilty of taking her back, no question.
But not now. As you say, they MUST be made to do the work.
Thanks mate 👍🏻
You're an angel.. Your words are healing! Thank you 🙏
The best advice ever! Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for rhis guidance.
Received in humble gratitude
It hurts worse subsequent times because you feel even more stupid and humiliated for trusting them again - and again!!
I appreciate the way you offer hope for avoidants Coach Ryan. So many people here say you shouldn’t ever take someone back, but actually everyone deserves to be loved and if they are willing to do the work and you hold those boundaries then I want to believe you when you say avoidants can become secure. I am somewhat avoidant myself, as well as anxious, and I have found your videos so helpful in understanding an incredibly painful situation I have been in. Thank you for everything you’re doing - I’d love it if you would do more videos on how to help avoidants become more secure.
Only problem is that a lot of avoidants don't want to go to therapy & put in all that necessary self-work, many prefer to live in denial than face their pain/fear even if it means their life goes down in 🔥 over the long-term unfortunately.Not everyone deserves your time/energy.
No! Take back conditinally is unrealistic. The „conditions“ will last only short time
I am so glad people are talking about attachment styles because I’ve learned about myself and the avoidant style… And it makes sense that I’m the exact wrong fit for that personality… I would never force myself on someone, but it just never occurred to me that that’s how it felt to them
@@kristinditlevsen6693Nobody is a good fit for an avoidant... Anxious preoccupied will send them running, another avoidant won't keep the relationship together, & finally even a securely attached person will end up disappointed & usually walk away because we're not about that unhealthy type of life.
Wow i watched the stand on business video before bed and woke up to an unexpected text from an ex i stopped talking to for over 3 months now. Right on time instructions ❤ 3:43 thank you again. 😊
My ex came back after a week and started the conversation saying I ruined a beautiful thing we had . Beautiful as long as he yelled at me , called me names , made personal attacks and bullied me till he had me in a corner . I was so confused about how to proceed, but this video gives me direction and clarity . Thanks 😊
It was through this channel @droman01
I restore my relationship back in 24 hours
I just wonder why I love them so much
Me too, and that is the problem.
Sometimes we have to remember that we dislike the dynamic, not the person. I’m assuming most of us in here were secure at one point with an avoidant partner but got triggered with being anxious towards the end. I know how you all feel 😢 I was with my girl for 2 years living together with our children. The backlash left the kids so shaken and I was in a dark and lonely place. Now I come home feeling it’s like a prison…. And this was a home we wanted for each other for our family. I didn’t know about attachment types until 2 months ago when she actually left. I’ve been working on myself to be in a better place mentally and to not show that anxious side. Remember, when we stop reaching out, they start to wonder like “wth” What I’ve learned so far is when you give them what you want, they will reach out. I hope all of us understand that this person needs to reflect. That will more than likely happen 2-4 months or sooner… you gave then a love that nobody else provided and when they feel it’s lost, I’m sure they’ll try and get the help they need to make it work.
...Many people had that same hope unfortunately based on all the different comments I've been reading, denial appears to be a major issue for them.That's why there's people in 30+ year marriages still trying to get them to get therapy & change.
Absolutely spot on well said and explained,,
Truly appreciate your kind advice through this video ❤
This is such a great video, so many helpful information. Thanks!
That was a great advice you’re a true angel, it is happening to me right now over a month stops talking to me❤❤❤❤❤ thanks this is an eye opener
If you’re watching this video, it tells you everything you need to know run from these people
The discard still happens while they're in therapy for years and you've had discussions of your attachment styles...
😮😮
Yikes, that's a good reason to stay away from these types unfortunately.
I've gone to no contact for 6 weeks she reached out to me saying she was just checking up on me I told her not to call me or text me ever again
Good
I'm so glad I watched your videos about not reaching out to them. He reached out after 2 months but I deleted his number so I didn't know the message was from him because he sent me some weird picture ie breadcrumbing. I only responded to him now, 1 month after I saw his text but he acted like nothing happened and wanted to see me
Please tell me you didn't spend time with him😅.If they try to play it off like nothing happened...then that's gaslighting & it's abusive even if their intentions aren't actually to try to harm you.Best to just tell him he needs therapy for his avoidant attachment style & then stay away to protect yourself & focus on being around healthy folks that are able to reciprocate your investment in knowing them❤️🩹👍🏻👍🏻.
@ I did see him, we are not in a relationship so I don't care. We did talk about him disappearing and I made him accountable for his action. He pulled away again as we speak so 3 times strikes, I called him out blocked him this time.
I still have to contact my avoidant due to work files unfortunately. Whats interesting is he now responds asap. Before it would take him a few days.
Yesterday he wished me a happy birthday.
I promised myself to protect myself from him
Keep virtually everything strictly work related, nothing beyond tasks that must be done.
@malwads1836 thank you. That's exactly what I am doing. No 'helllo' or 'how's it going?'. I get right to the point.
He opens with greetings, updating me on his weekends, and then wishes me 'a good sleep'. I'm over it. I gave him so much of my attention because he asked me for it by pouring his childhood traumas to me. I'm done now and he knows it
Thank you beautiful soul for this message resonates 😕🥰🙏
It’s giving Narcissist…
Thank you 💕 Very good advice.
This is great advice, but what's missing is for the ex partner of the avoidant to self-reflect and take accountability on their end too. A lot of times people who lean anxious or become anxious come off as volatile when they're trying to get their point across which will naturally make an avoidant or even a secure person step aside and assess whether this is a healthy relationship for them. The other thing is being too clingy and invading a person's time and space. Some people like alone time, but their partners want constant contact which again could push anyone away.
I think it needs to be looked at on both sides. Vilifying avoidants alone isn't helpful. Most of the time it's two unhealed people in the relationship hence why anxious/avoidants are attracted to each other yet also repel each other.
Well said. Both sides have work to do. Not necessarily because the partner of the person with avoidant attachment style wasn't mostly wrong , but because whether you were also behaving in ways that inadvertently triggered them, or not, or you take them back or not, you now have some relationship betrayal trauma to deal with. Trauma is like scarring that keeps you from being able to move and act freely and without pain. It doesn't get better without the right kind of therapy.
I was just commenting basically the same thing, but with less patience than you put in your message. Its this coach's tone of voice which is passive aggressive, and their words like "discard", and their absence of self-reflection on both sides into the issues of the relationship, which just comes across to me as one of those self-labeled guru's who made a channel because they are still salty about their ex.
@@0Demiyah0 haha yessss! I pretty much wrote the same thing on another one of his videos asking if he was getting over a break up with an avoidant, because he is making them sound like narcissists using the word "discard". Either that or he just realizes he can capitalize more on these types of videos because anxious people are ALL over these threads commenting and giving each other high fives comparing their avoidant stories. It's ridiculous telling people they do nothing wrong on their end. How does he know? I'm reading comments about how some ended up having a mental breakdown over their avoidant ex when they were broken up with and yet...it's still the avoidants fault. Emotionally stable people don't fall apart this way over a break up. Yes we can be sad, cry and heartbroken. It hurts like hell but we still have lives to live and have to keep our composure with other parts of our life. I wish he would address this stuff because it's unhealthy to put the blame on an entire attachment style. It's toxic advice. The anxious partner can be just as unhealthy if not more.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant in a creepy manner, I think it's narcissistic to keep using the word "discard", emit this thinly veiled rageful energy, be grandiose enough to claim some type of expertise about avoidants or psychology to advice others, omit and avoid the role of TWO people in creating dynamics, downplaying the inner-issues of the one who dated the avoidant and their accountability to grow, projecting only doom & gloom onto people who are open to pursue reconciliation etc. Some of his advice is OK, but it's a kind of copy-paste of what others do but others deliver that message with more emotional intelligence and empathy. This coach does not strik me as very empathic. Either he is kinda narcissistic himself or he's just not that healed, because otherwise, why focus so much on toxic advice?
Unfortunately avoidants can turn secure people into anxious so yes the Avoidant needs to take responsibility since that starts the chicken and the egg problem. A secure person can't heal them but a secure person can heal an anxious person, who is able to change
What does it mean if my DA ex liked a story I posted (It was a picture of myself) during NO CONTACT? Will he try to reach out in your opinion? We've been in NC for more than 3 weeks.
Breadcrumbing
The avoidant does not actually love you. They only loved that you had potential to be a barbie doll in their little playhouse world that they could control. The minute you showed them that you are a human with boundaries and needs, that's when they show you that they're not here to actually love you. Theyre here to just extract whatever they need from you and then put you on the shelf.
SO TRUE!!! I dated him for 1 year and never expressed any "needs" to him. AT ALL. But then, the moment I expressed a need (I wondered WHY he didn't seem to want to get to know my little 2-month-old baby, since he'd claimed he was falling in love with me!), it freaked him out and he heartlessly GHOSTED ME for a month with zero warning!!! Yes, I did feel like his "Barbie doll", as you said. But, when things got heavy (talking about the baby), HE DISAPPEARED!! Most cruel thing that ever happened to me!
Well said. My avoidant has returned after four months, but hasn't really said much. It seems it's up to me to get the ball rolling, which I don't mind, but I will keep in mind that though I may love him unconditionally, our relationship in the future will have conditions. I know of a few boundaries I will have to place between us. Thank you for this video, it makes a lot of sense. ❤
Good luck 🤞🏼
If you don’t mind me asking, how long was you and your partner together for?
So how'd it turn out?😅
Yeah it really does hurt.😢
Spot On.
Fantastic, detailed video. Explains things really clearly.
Great advice Wisdom helpful for healing ✨😇🌟Thank you
❤your advice. Thank you so much 🙏
I wish i would have found this video sooner.
I wish I can have a memory loss of the last two years spent with him. The only way to forget the pain he put me through multiple times. 😢
My dear, I understand how you feel about your situation but I’m still going to tell you that this is not the end of time, because so many of us especially we the ladies. So many of us lie in bed and scroll through social media after a breakup. They want to see their ex, check in on what they're doing, and maybe even do a little spying. But absolutely none of that is helpful. I’m still going to still explain more to you about my situation with my man is a long story but I’m still going to cut it short to your understanding my dear. I was in a relationship with my man for the past 6 years and both of us were planing for the marriage and both of us were excited about that, but one day he left home a came home late and he was angry and I asked him what is wrong he didn’t answer me I was so confused about that he suddenly changed at that moment and the next statement to comes out of his mouth I’m not interested anymore I was dying inside me at that moment and he left me just like that and move to another state. I was crying because it really hurts but I was still having this mindset that everything is going to work out for me. And one faithful day I came across a video on the RUclips channel tarot reading and I was watching the videos on daily basis but not knowing that there is a solution to my problems. Later that night I was sleeping I received a message on my phone from a lady that lives in Croatia that there is this man that can help me with my situation at that moment I was nervous and she told me everything about this great man she told me that if I need his help to I should hit him up on his WhatsApp and I did whole and behold my story changed and the other the week my ex text me I was so happy and now my man is back to me and we are back together and we are getting married any moment from now. All thanks to Dr. Felix he was the one that helps to bring my man back.
If you are still interested in his service
You can hit him up on WhatsApp
+2348114476566
I agree with all of this except taking then back straight away conditionally. We're talking about an avoidant here, the moment you do that they'll run. I'd suggest meet up with them 2-3 times so they feel comfortable again and your sure that you do want them back and then set conditions. If they pull away again, there's your answer. But if you bring it up and set boundaries after a few catch ups they might be more interested in listening and reflecting on what you've said instead of setting them before the 1st catch up. Just my opinion. Goodluck out there everyone, avoidants are no easy task but when there good, there sooo good 😮💨
POV: don’t get with an avoidant. Be with a secure attached person.
...Or at the least an anxious preoccupied person because they'll usually gradually become more secure over time in a healthy caring relationship if you simply offer them the emotional assurance they need.
I would say stay the hell away from them but at the same time to I know that these people can love so hard when they receive the help.
Do you know any that have recovered with therapy & are living healthy lives?Are they at risk of snapping back into old habits/patterns after therapy if they experience stressful life events?🤔
@ I’m not sure I haven’t experienced that part of everything with them and I’m not sure if I will.
I dumped my avoidant gf after 6 years. Her avoidant behavior got worse over the last 6 months of the relationship. Enough is enough, NC for 30 days so far. whether she comes back begging or not, I win. She changes or I find someone else who's a better fit
i hope you do a spanish course on avoidant attachment and on the their lack emotional intelligence , thats would be great in spanish
.it would help alot , your spot on on this
stay away from hispanics lmfaoo
I reached out breaking NC for 3 months pleading. They moved onto someone else. Now they are texting me
How long did it take for the rebound to fail?
Thank u coach
My ex came back last month. ..on i put him conditions of commitment of marriage. ...but this man was manipulating me.....and suddenly changed as i asked for commitment....
Its better to leave such people and never talk to them
How long did it take?
Thank you great timing for me
Well said. Thank you sooo much❤
It never gets better, i tried after 15byrs😊
Let this be a lesson to all who read it!!!!
Thank you 🙏🏾 so much for this advice
How can an Avoidant person heal? So, they can have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone they love.
They need to heal their PTSD.
Really good advice!! Thank You.
If they discard you once, they will discard you again and again and again.
If you have self respect, you will not let them back under any circumstances.
Love yourself more
Respect yourself more
You said that they will more often then not return in 2 to 6 months. Will that timeline change if it was a short relationship from a half year?
My DA ex just resurfaced last week. I'm his idealized phantom ex. I'm playing it step by step so that at the perfect time I'll tell him - kindly but firmly -
"I’m moving on with my life, confident I’ll find someone trustworthy, devoted, and caring who loves me as much as I love him. And, let’s be honest: we both know that could never be you. Fidelity simply isn’t in your blood. I now know you’re what’s called a “dismissive avoidant.” Someone who is unable to form lasting, loving connections but who, instead, is always looking for the next thing, even when the best woman he’s ever known is by his side, loving him with all her heart."
Update?
@kurts605 and I are talking and becoming friends. Thanks for asking.
@@brownell.landrumthat’s not “moving on”
@@CrocPit Good point. But it WAS what I needed to do. I was able to see him, get all my stuff back, get answers, apologies, and that most precious of things: closure. THEN I blocked him.
I don't think she'll ever reach out. It's been about 7 weeks now.
My avoidant took 14 weeks to send a text. I loved her but I wish she had left me alone. Make yourself new and look to your future. Next time, choose very carefully because anxious usually subconsciously seeks and finds an avoidant.
Trust me, they’re doing you a favor, MOVE ON, avoidant relationships don’t work
Stop waiting for her.
Avoidant?….oh you mean Narcissist
Almost all narcissist are avoidant but not all avoidants are narcissist. I've experienced the difference.
Do they come back once they have moved on ??? How do they treat their next person ??
Probably the same as they treated us. Mine had a phantom ex, the rest of them they were mysteries. None of his friends seen any of them, his mother told me the same. He lied to me that his phantom ex used to come to their house like me. Asked the mum and she said she never met any girlfriend before me. The man is 40. They all been stonewalled many times, no exclusive treatment for anyone. His mother even warned me once to be careful with him.
This guy told me the situation changed and he doesn’t want an US. I have told him 2 different times to give me space. And he keeps sending me reels. I have responded a couple times. And another I have just opened it and didn’t respond. What is right thing to do.
Block him. That will give you your space.
Thank you for this
Most avoidants suffered some type of abandonment when they were infants. It was not their fault nor their decision. That's what saddens me, they were so damaged emotionally and it was never their fault.
True.
And it's not their fault for getting scared or even for breaking up with you.
But it IS their fault when they do it in a cruel, dismissive way. EVERYONE knows ghosting isn't okay. Cheating isn't okay. Cushioning isn't okay. Saying mean things isn't okay. If they're going to leave, fine. But they don't have to be mean in the process.
But it’s their responsibility to heal.
My avoidant ex took 2 years to reach out. He is extra avoidant I would say. I hope one day he can be less avoidant and find happiness.
My girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me last July. No contact sense not one word. She's currently engaged to her abusive ex-husband. But recently she's been stalking my social media. Her mother follows me on Instagram and watches all my stories that I post.