Helping Others || Father Knows Something Podcast
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- Опубликовано: 5 июл 2024
- Welcome back to Father Knows Something! Real People. Real Stories. Real Dad advice with a dash of ADHD, and maybe a couple of millennials chiming in from time to time to add their takes.
This week's episode has Jerry and Justin reading write-ins from people who are hoping to help someone else. Sometimes someone in our life needs help and we don't always know the best way to help them. From a listener who is wondering how to encourage their father to go therapy to someone else that wants to help their siblings through their parent's divorce. This episode is one that we really need your advice in the RUclips comments as we don't have experience in some of these situations, but we do our best to provide some ideas!
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Index:
00:00 -- Start
02:45 -- Story 1
12:02 -- Story 2
21:59 -- Story 3
34:41-- Story 4
46:54 -- Story 5
I think rather than therapy, she can encourage him to join a grief support group. I joined a grief support group when my brother died of suicide and it really helped.
This would be a great option for therapy-hesitant people. It gives that instant validation that you’re not alone in the situation and there are others that can relate. I think it takes off a lot of pressure with seeking outside support for such big life events.
Hope you’re doing well in your healing, I’m so sorry for your loss 🫶🏻
Love this idea!!
I’m a 48 year old who found this channel from my daughter. I lost my dad two years ago and he was my everything. I just love seeing the father daughter dynamic of this show. Keep it up! Treasure these moments. ❤
Dad popping up in his white robe for the Hello Fresh ad killed me😂❤
Same 😂
Story 3
My ex was almost identical to this. Miserable and made it my responsibility to make him happy.
Never gave any effort to moving in with me after 2 years and promising for the last year he would move out of his mom's. He's nearly 30 and still hasnt moved out of his moms.
Our mutual friends helped me leave then left him themselves. It was rough, his mom was a narcissist to a T and made my life hell for a while afterwards til I got a no contact order set in place after she helped him stalk me and find out where I lived.
Story 1: are there any men’s groups or men’s grief groups he could go to?
Even just activities with other men if he doesn’t want to do therapy.
Community will help him through this.
Make it so clear you love him very much and you’re here for him, maybe show him love in the quiet ways he’s shown you love.
Does he have any friends he could go on a camping or fishing trip with? Even if he’s not talking about what happened trying to help him stop from isolating himself
Story 2: something you can do to support your friend is continue to show her the love and support you already are. If you continue to treat her well, this should help her see her bf is treating her badly.
She needs to plan her exit. Whether it’s getting a job, looking for temporary housing or staying with her mom and step dad for a few months while transitions out of that household.
Is there anything you can do to support her in that?
For jobs and roommates it’s often who you know, do you know anyone looking for employees/roomates?
Re: Story 2, tell your friend that she needs to focus on building a life (especially friends!) outside of her partner. Two friends that live in different states isn’t enough support for most people. Tell her to invest in her career, hobbies, friends-especially prospective roommates so she can move out!
Story 1- not all men but I think a lot of them will lower their guard when they hear about athletes and men that may seem truly masculine going to therapy. Players tribune have a lot stories written by athletes talking openly about their life struggles and helped me feel like my feelings weren’t exclusive to me as a human being. I would suggest maybe connecting with that person with these stories, especially like Kevin Love (basketball), Angela Lee (mma), or Corey Hirsch (hockey). Hope this helps. Admitting weakness makes room for strength. Cheers all
Story 5: They have parentifying you from the beginning. You are not the beginning. They are all adults. Your brother is an adult. He can figure it out. Your brother has other options than you. Don't be an option! Live your life!
From one parentified child to another, live your life. If your parents try to guilt trip you, tell them that your siblings are NOT your children. Good luck OP.
Welcome bacccccckkkk❤❤❤❤
Story 3: Commenting from the other side of things, I was the codependent partner. At at point my gf and I had been together for 5 yrs, and my mental health had taken a nose dive. I ended up making my gf feel sufficated, and she was not great at communicating that to me until months of her feeling that way. We ended up taking a 3-month break, away from each other. It took that to make me finally realize what I was doing to her was unhealthy and I took that time to focus on bettering myself. We ended up reconciling and are still together, but our relationship is much healthier.
My advice to OP is that maybe taking a break from the relationship is something that they need to do, to the point of blocking BF if he starts making OP feel bad for wanting time apart. Take that time to truly think if your relationship makes you happy. You might find that you are happier out of the relationship, or that you do want to be in the relationship but not without him making significant changes.
Last story - I moved out at 17 and shortly after my parents divorced. At 18 I was pregnant and my mom’s life was at that pass where she needed freedom. I took one of my twin brothers to live with me while the other lived with my dad. My brothers rotated yearly living with me and as a single mother it was hard but in the end SO rewarding. I have another layer of a bond with my brothers that makes us so close because we are not only super tight siblings but they also look up to me with another layer of love as a mother figure which makes me SO PROUD. It DID cause friction between my mother and I because I think she feels shame for not being able to step up but that is OK. She just couldn’t mentally and that is why I stepped up and she realizes that now. It’s not peaches and cream being in your 20s and raising teenage boys (and a baby) but I promise you can push through and the reward of being able to offer your brothers help is amazing. BUT it’s on YOUR terms.
Hey Jerry and Justin glad to see you guys back! And Hi Morgan and Holly❤️❤️
Story 3 : I personally think you guys need to separate as it seems your lives don’t intertwine nicely. His life is just day by day and he’s not thinking about the future. With no money how can you guys aim for a place together or kids or a wedding ? I feel like you have suggested so many things and he just isn’t there. You can actually take him to an event that way he can make friends but honestly I don’t think this is the relationship for you, you aren’t his mom. Also you have dogs and it doesn’t seem he’s wanting to do something about it…. If you guys end up living together how will he deal with the dogs bc dogs aren’t disposable…. But if you do want to make it work you need to tell him how he makes you feel and that what he says is hurtful. Also tell him he cannot leech on to you and throw everything he carries onto you because it feels easy or whatever issue…
Here we gooooooo🎉
Story 3: This relationship isn't healthy. It sounds like it is draining you, and you'd be happier without him. He needs to do things for himself, and he has to broaden his own life, friends, and hobbies. You should not be his entire life. It is not up to you to make him happy. That is his job.
Story #5 - I have never commented on a RUclips video, I don't really get involved in communities. I love FKS and have related to stories many times, but this one just echoed my life.
Unfortunately my childhood was not great and full of abuse, but now (at 25) my parents are finally divorcing. On August 1st last year, my two younger brothers were dropped off to live with me. The 22 year old paid for his food, but that was it. And for the 10 year old, I was expected to be the parent, and maybe get some cash help here and there.
They just moved out 2 weeks ago. I understand having to step up and not disappoint them, all while feeling like I was drowning myself. And dealing with my mom talking about how she just needed time to be free, posting about her "much needed vacation", and how she couldn't work or take the 10 year old because she needed time to process. I dealt with lies and the responsibility falling back on me because it would take away her freedom.
I understand you. I understand the pressure. But, you can't let them drown you. I let it push me so far down. I feel like i was drowning and am finally starting to claw myself back towards the surface.
Take care of yourself. Love your family and support them as you can, but not at your expense. They're all adults, and even though your parents not stepping up sucks, it doesn't mean you have to.
You got this. You're not alone.
I didn’t write the second story, but I could have. I’m in the same boat with my friend and her partner, saying she wants to break up then saying she wants to have kids with him.
Wooo love you guys!!❤️❤️❤️
Lol that intro i love it 💕 HAPPY NEW YEAR JERRY!!
Story 2: Tell your friend to start making plans to solve her problems. She needs a new and better job or a second job and she needs to find a safe roommate.
In the last story, the sister is WAY overstepping. She doesn't need to step in and be her brother's mommy, she needs to be his sister and either let him know the door's open or sit him down and talk about what he's going to do after Mom moves. Their mom isn't running away from parenting, she's moving. He can move with her, he can move in with grandma, he can move in with the siblings, he can get a job and rent a room. He has options and she needs to stop inserting herself and infantilizing her brother just because he's younger.
Hi, I’m the writer from the 5th story, thank you for the feedback! I didn’t write everything in detail but my mom has pretty much implied that she’s done with parenting once my youngest brother turns 18. I’ve also had some conversations with my brother about the situation and he doesn’t give me much to work with. He’s very very quiet and closed off and very much so needs therapy from what my parents have put us through growing up and that’s why I guess I step into the parental role even more so. I just don’t want my younger siblings to struggle like I did at that age with no parental support. Like I’ve said, he’s my littlest brother, so I easily forget that he needs to learn life skills on his own as well. He has a job and is doing good in that aspect, but he wants to go to college full time after he graduates, so realistically he would still need someone to support him financially. I see now though that I am really overthinking this and stressing myself out over something that I shouldn’t be. I’m so unbelievably terrified of my siblings later feeling like I also didn’t do enough for them when they needed support. Again thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate the outside perspectives!
@tatisvibin something I think is important to keep in mind, him deciding where he's going to live is going to be his first big adult decision. And it's one HE has to make. I 100% understand wanting the best for our loved ones and wanting to support them however we can but we also have to respect their autonomy which includes succeeding or failing on their own terms.
Story 1: Grief is a fickle thing. Mourning takes on many different forms and you cannot force someone into therapy. You can make a gentle suggestion and give him all the info but then I suggest to just give him time to grieve how he needs to. Sometimes that’s better. I lost both my parents when I was 14. Counseling didn’t help, it made it worse. I needed time and to be surrounded by people who loved me. Give him love and time after you give him the information. If in a few months or so the grieving is still raw and he’s not handling it well then suggest therapy again with a little more emphasis.
i can kinda relate to the last story except mine is a bit different. i’m an only child to a single mother and when i was 10 my mom broke her ankle. she had a friend who took care of us initially after the incident and surgery and all that but once we went back to “normal” i have basically been raising myself. i had to learn how to cook for us, do our laundry, clean the house. things that, yeah at 10 you should start learning how to do but not doing all of it all of the time. it’s pretty much been that way ever since and i’m 24 now. i still live with her (who can really afford to move out of their parents house anymore? and i’ve been working two jobs for years) and she still never really helps out around the house unless i ask. when i was 15 is when she started leaving me home alone overnight to party with her friends. i hated it every time cuz i was scared of being alone at night. she didn’t care. she would bring her “boy toy” as he’s labeled in her phone over to have sex late at night and never let me even see him. i expressed to her how that had made me uncomfortable having a random man that i don’t know in our house but she just ignored me and kept doing it. ever since i was old enough to take care of myself she’s basically forgone the job of actually BEING my mom. i’ve never felt comfortable going to her for advice cuz i know that she would just blab my business to her friends and family on the phone (i’ve overheard her multiple times growing up talking shit about me and my business to her friends) ever since i’ve had a job i’ve never asked her for money, but she’s asked me for money over the years and has never paid me back. i’m stressed enough now as it is, i can’t imagine having to grow up taking care of two younger siblings.
sorry for the long trauma dump but basically i feel for the writer. 😅 why do people have kids if they’re not committed to the job of being a parent. it doesn’t stop when we turn 18, we will always need you.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Story 4 as a kid like rose, you need to give her options an choices like she is an adult. She is forced to be one as the only emotionally mature one. Make her see that she had no control over getting in the situation she has all the control to get out of it and the sooner she takes that control back the happier she will be for it
For story 4: I am very familiar with feeling like what you’re going through. It’s a tough one. However you need to remind yourself it’s not your job to be your siblings’ parent. That said as long as your husband is okay with it I do think it would be beneficial for her to live with you guys. But teenagers/ young adults are going to do whatever they want and if they can’t they will find a way. So you will have to deal with taking on that huge responsibility. My little sister is extremely hard headed and needs more stable relationships but I can’t emotionally or mentally (or financially) take on her drama and life choices. (She’s in her 20s now but still very dependent on her family). That’s a boundary I personally have set for myself. But if you think she’ll respect and follow your rules and boundaries (which I would hope you make/do), then she’d benefit. I can tell you love your siblings, and that’s amazing, but you have a family and YOURSELF that comes first. And 100% therapy. For everyone. Maybe set a must have rule if she does get emancipation in line and move in with you- it’s a non negotiable. Seriously. She’s going to f up- she’s human. But stay open with her. I think she might be rebelling because at that age what do you have to lose? Or so you think! So I’m not saying you do this but for example- if she’s going to drink she must be in a specific space, no driving or driving with while intoxicated, curfew, pin drops- whatever works for you.As for your parents- I feel like we need to know more about their personalities. For myself, I would benefit and grow when I expressed to my mom and dad how their relationship affects mine and my siblings’ relationships, and if they stayed negative- I will choose to not be in their lives. I know that’s easier said than done, but this is clearly weighing on you, and you have a CHOICE to stay in each others’ lives. Sorry that was a lot- but I feel for you girl. If I could keep going about the dynamics and relationships in my family(actually many different family units), we would be here forever. Stay strong love and remember you can’t help/heal anyone if you’re not helping/healing yourself. 🫶🏼✨💕
Going together in the name of be there for me and then go trough it for yourself with them to get them to see what it's like
For story 3
Your boyfriend reminds me a lot of my ex husband. I did everything in an unbalanced relationship for years until I fell out of love and got to where I didn’t even like him. As soon as I served him with papers he started doing everything that I had been asking him to do for years. So my advice is to have maybe one more tough conversation and then you might want to leave the relationship before it gets worse.
Story 2: Am I the only one picking up on some red flags? It strikes me as odd that a 32-year-old woman is sharing her relationship troubles, like feeling unattractive and trapped, exclusively with a 22-year-old guy. It almost feels like she might be trying to play on his sympathies. The writer is clearly a caring and compassionate person, but at 22 he might not be experienced enough to see if there’s an ulterior motive, like maybe she’s aiming for more than just a shoulder to cry on. It definitely sets off alarm bells and makes me a bit uncomfortable, thinking about the potential for emotional manipulation there. Even if she doesn’t have ulterior motives, I think it’s unfair she is placing such a heavy burden asking for this type of emotional support from someone who’s just navigating their early twenties. I hope the writer can take a step back and make sure he is not prioritizing her mental health at the cost of his.
I wasn’t going to say something but hearing the story I absolutely got weird vibes from it, especially the age gap.
Story 1: It is possible to recover from PTSD, or maybe a better way to say it is, you can react differently to a past traumatic event to where it doesn't trigger you. I had therapy and medication that helped. The event that caused PTSD as an adult no longer triggers me when I think about it. I can talk about and I have no severe negative reaction. If you haven't shared this information with your dad, maybe share this podcast with him. Betterhelp has counselling, group counselling, and classess that can take that is all included in the membership. He wouldn't have to do video calls. He could do phone appointments only.
For the person who’s parents are going through a divorce & they are trying to help the 17 year old sister.
First of all, I’m not sure if I misunderstood but, it is not your job to get your parents into therapy. If you want to go to deal with YOUR issues with them, you can ask of course, but it is not your responsibility to make them go to therapy individually. So do not add that pressure to yourself.
Secondly, your siblings will be affected by this. There is ZERO chance that you will be able to keep them from not being affected at all, so erase that goal. They will be affected. All you can do is be there for them where you can. And if you’re burnt out & breaking down, you won’t be able to help them at all, so as much as it feels hard & uncomfortable, TAKE CARE OR YOURSELF FIRST.
And third, as a teen who did all the things your sister is doing, if I could have given my teen self one thing, it would have been a parent who talked to me & listened to me. I knew the risks & the danger, but what I needed was for someone to listen. I needed therapy, I needed someone to care, but most of all, I needed someone who would listen to me without punishing me or ignoring me. She’s 17, there’s not much you can do unless you can lock her in the basement for a year, which probably won’t help. Just be there for her. Be honest. Teach her how to be safe. Get her protection & Narcan & if she’s willing, a therapist. But just be a safe space for her to talk to.
The mom deserves her own life, he’s 18 and I’m sure has the opportunity to move with his mom as well, what about the dad ? No one is going to mention that he has another parent.
Story 5 - Honestly, I think mom shouldn’t have to be the one to give up her life and have to stay in California just because OP is worried about her 18 year old, GROWN ADULT, brother being taken care of. What about dad here? Why does he just get off the hook easy? I understand there are problems with the new step mom and younger brother moving in with them is not an option, but why can’t dad assist in this? He is his father after all. You are all grown adults, graduated from high school, and your father lives in the same place, you will be okay. I think mom shouldn’t have to just automatically give up her life and continue to be the caregiver of her, again, grown children after the divorce. She is not giving up her role as a parent, she is just moving. And OP does NOT need to step up and fill the spot of mom/dad/parent for their siblings. In the end, I don’t think mom is in the wrong, she was in a marriage for 20 years (which may have been bad), just recently got divorced, and wants a change! Is she required to stay in the same city as you guys for the rest of her life? Or maybe until you feel like you are ready to spread your wings? Sometimes you have to kick the baby bird out of the nest and you’d be surprised at how fast they can start flying!
Story 5: Your mother sounds just like mine who is a narcissist and has undiagnosed bipolar. My mother has done very similar things to me. I would tell your brother he either stays with grandma or he has to get a job and find a roommate (he can share a room with your other bro while he gets that sorted I guess). As for you, I would also go no contact with your parents as they are toxic and manipulative. A child isn’t brought into this world to raise their own siblings. That is the job of the parents. You shouldn’t have to take up the role just because your parents are emotionally unavailable and unstable to do so. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this manipulation your whole life. ❤❤
Crazy to diagnose people like that 😳 but he has a dad too and I’m sure it’s an option to move w his mom, most moms wouldn’t care enough to allow you to graduate with your friends. Maybe think outside the box and consider how living near her ex husband who remarried and moved on leaving her alone w all the kids can feel like she only has one purpose and maybe she wants to feel human again.
Guys idk if anyone will answer but I don’t know how to write in and I need help ( if this seems high school-ish. It’s bc I am a teenager) please take the time to read this I really need help
Okay so my best friend goes to another scl, I told her I liked some one and she wanted his snap, she sent him the cutest photo of her and responded with “😯😯” so I’m heart broken by this as I had been trying to get closer to him ( I cried in my best friends arms arkund 3 am) she said she was sorry and that she never meant for this to happen.
Two weeks so by and she texted me
“ so uhmmm. Would it be fked up if I happedend to like --“ I’m like YES and she is like I’m so sorry I really am. I don’t want to liek him I’ll ghost him I promise. A week goes by And she never ghosted him. Found out they’ve been flirting so much. Wanting to go out together and stuff. I’m so heart broken and don’t know what to do. I was love bombed in a previous relationship and had to end things and I’ve been I. The worst place ever. I hate going to school and no one will fully understand how I feel. I have about 3 fiends right now.
If u read this. Thank you❤️ th am you so much for taking ur time to read this. I understand this is a very specific situation
Edit) my mom wouldn’t like me going to therapy as my sister is in it already as she has experience with trying to end her life ( I have just gotten the strength to stop doing self harm) I’ve learned it’s a lot harder to control my emotions now because of that.
Commenting from my own experience. You're going to have to let it go, I can 100% guarantee that this is not worth working yourself up over. As harsh as this might sound, you don't have dibs/claims to your crush and from what I read there wasn't anything between the two of you. I would distance myself from your friend, not because she was talking to your crush, but because she lied instead of being honest with you.
I do think that it's for the best that things between you and your crush didn't develop since you're still dealing with how things went in your previous relationship.
Take this time to find things that bring you joy like a hobby, and develop your self-esteem.
@@itssteph263 thank you so much for advice, this is very good advice thank you so much❤️ I have to talk to her about this
I’m going to go against the grain here
Story 1
I (23f) recently found my daughter’s god father. He unfortunately committed suicide and myself and his partner are the ones who found him. This happened a month and a half ago,
My dad (51) found his best friends brother who had also committed suicide, I believe they found him while they were in their late teens/early twenties.
Personally I wouldn’t push him to go to therapy. As much as I know everyone is different, and therapy is a positive thing, if he doesn’t want therapy, don’t push it. I haven’t gone to anyone about what I saw and experienced recently and my dad has never got therapy. It’s traumatic for sure! But I feel like if I had to talk about it and relive what I saw and experienced it would make this whole situation much worse for me. I struggle daily with PTSD symptoms but I feel the only reason those symptoms have minimised so quickly is because I’m not talking to people about it and not reliving it. I have gone blank to it and that is how I have dealt with it. Feeling my emotions through therapy about the situation would make me feel sick.
Story 5: From one parentified eldest sister to another you have to learn to let things fall into place and work themselves out. Youngest brother needs to do his first adult decision and decided what he wants to do, he can A) put aside his wants and share a room with your other brother B) move in with grandma C) move with mom D) move out on his own and find roommates E) apply to college and move into a dorm/student housing. Keep in mind that he can always change his mind, and nothing has to be permanent.
If it's possible I would also consider the possibility of all three siblings moving in with grandma, setting up an agreement for contributing financially, for a bit until finances get a bit more stable that way you don't 100% have to take on the burden while still keeping an eye on them. Plus with how unstable things are your brother needs needs rules to keep him on track.