Transforming Your Relationship with your In-laws - Jenny Coffey & Deb DeArmond
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- Опубликовано: 10 мар 2019
- You can have a healthy, God-honoring relationship with your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law! Deb DeArmond and Jenny Coffey candidly share about their failures and successes with their in-laws, and give you practical and Biblical advice for navigating what may be one of the most challenging relationships in your life.
You can find Deb's book on our store here: bit.ly/2EDa0cV
Deb and Jenny talk about how to create healthy in-law boundaries, involve your husband, promote mutual respect, and have realistic expectations for your in-laws-showing you that no relationships are beyond the hope of Jesus Christ.
Wife is first priority. This is biblical. Wife comes first. This is biblical. Wife gets top billing. This is biblical. Husband must take the side of his wife. Protect and defend. This is biblical. I am repeating myself for those who don't want to understand what the "Leave and Cleave" principle for marriage means.
Not when abuse is involved…in any form with any family member or extender member.
@@sandyschneider6792 If you mean not when the WIFE is abusive, then I agree. If a man's wife is abusive toward him, he picked the wrong woman.
Wait, who’s first priority?
Yes. The wife should come first.
There should also be mutual respect and honor for her mother in law unless that mother in law is being disrespectful and rude towards the wife.
Even then , set boundaries and do it in a respectful manner.
@@sham3152 "Unless that mother in law is being disrespectful toward the wife". Yes. That is what causes me to write my above comment. My mother in law visited my home on a two week vacation and bossed me around in my own home, insulted my family, rolled her eyes at me, made snide comments to me every single day about my weight, cooking, house keeping skills, hairstyle. My "honor" has run it's course and I am done. I went no contact three years ago and severed ties.
I really appreciate this interview. I am a newlywed trying to navigate in law relationship. This has helped a little to have me a softer heart toward my mother in law.
If you want your mother inlaw to love you and respect you permanently, I know of a powerful man who can help you and you will never have issues with your inlaws
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@@whatsapphim456 who is that?
Wonderful and powerful! So grateful for your advice!
Thank you for this conversation. Focus on the family has such incredible content
This was so beautiful ❤️! Unfortunately, I will never receive that Grace, but it's nice to know that it exists somewhere out there.
It exists in Christ...accept Him as your Saviour and Lord
I feel the same way I am always the bigger person and I'm so tired of always just letting them be narcissistic towards me.
Happened to me too
In Ephesians, Paul clearly commands children to obey their parents in the Lord. As a grandmother, I consider it part of my joy and responsibility to support the parents' rules with my grandchildren. To do ANYthing that encourages my grandchildren to disobey their parents at my house is disrespectful to the parents and to God. My children know that their convictions are upheld at my home. I'm shocked and dismayed to hear that otherwise godly people do otherwise!
This is such excellent information - I only wish I could have heard it when I was first married. But as a mom of one married son and two more to marry I am hearing excellent tips to glean from and pray the Lord will be ever near as more daughter-in-laws come
Thank you for this
Wife comes first. The Bible CLEARLY states the husband is to leave his MOTHER AND FATHER AND CLEAVE TO HIS WIFE.
Just started the video and I already do thankful that you guys made it lol
She is the kind of mother in law I would like to be in the future. My conflict with my MIL teaches me who I would t want to become.
And also, just because a MIL has been doing something "longer" DOES NOT MEAN SHES DOING IT RIGHT
The wife comes first. Period.
The mother comes first as she gave birth to him or her.
You can't always hide behind mommy dress . Move on
You are to leave your family and cleave to your spouse. If you have raised your children well, they will choose their spouse. That should be the natural order of things. I have three sons, and they're coming of age, I'm going to do everything I can to make a happy and healthy environment between me and their wives. I know that if I want to be a part of their family, I have to love her and I have to treat her well. It's that simple. I'm making that choice now.
This is so beautiful .
This woman obviously doesn’t have a daughter in law w narcissistic tendencies. I’ve only been loving and supportive, but she only cares about her mother and her family. My family and I barely get to see our grandchild. Her family sees them all the time. It breaks my heart! I pray all the time! 🙏🙏🙏 This isn’t how I thought it would be. 😢 We’ve tried to talk w our son, but that only made things worse!
Yep -mother will try to destroy our relationship and the man would leave me high and dry.
Hmm... Ok, I'm getting it. Details aren't important to elaborate however this video hits home on the essence of peace and God is speaking to my heart. Deep gratitude I have for these women who are brave enough to share wisdom and guidance in their experience. I hope they know how much there story helps people🙏💛💛💛 God bless them!!
Why have all these Christian messages regarding in-laws always directed at daughter-in-laws and NOT SON-IN-LAWs?!!!
thefeelcompany what “all”?
In my experience, the Husband's Family always gets the upper hand first because the Mother and Daughter Dynamics are always strained. I find the Male Side of the family always territorial. They get all the Holidays. Your lucky if you get one.
I needed this wisdom
Every woman has the right to create her own family without other women participating without asking
. I married into a family who dislikes anyone but their "original" family . They have had 11 break ups/ divorces. It is way worse than candy and toy disagreements . As a Christian I am unsure what to do ..this does not really answer it . My husband and girls now want to severe all ties with his family . They just went against my daughter's soon to be husband ( a good young man) she has dis invited them to the wedding , and my husband agrees. .I would feel relief but not sure this is what a Christian should do.
My mil hates me but she made me hate her. I understand how you feel
Get family counseling
You can do everything right as parents and kids choose spouses poorly. There is no formula. Saying otherwise just makes some parents arrogant and others condemned.
Or you can choose a great spouse and parents just don’t know how to accept boundaries
Yes they do choose poorly especially when the new spouces are entitled , rude and narcissistic
What about strain relationship between agressive sister.in laws instead? How do you deal with that? Please have a topic of.this issue. Thank you.
Shalom. K [44] “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
[45] That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”
Jesus
@@usa2342plain English please
My mother in law lives next to me and she doesn't respect me nor my husband but we can't afford to move
" but if he chooses you it will break his marriage" this is the HOPE of many a mother in law. So much cultural misogyny embedded in these dynamics.
I always thought I was very tolerant of my quirky mother-in-law, I encouraged and supported her relationship with my husband, I welcomed her into our home and included her on family vacations after she was widowed. I learned how to make a mean pie crust. But one day it hit me, did I want my future daughter in law to speak about me the way I sometimes spoke about her? A helpful boundary for my thoughts and my tongue.
I'd like to see a video where the daughter is still clung to the mother
I Found this video looking for help from Christian perspective in my struggles with my mother in law. I'm already doing all this and have been for 8 years. She has no respect for me whatsoever. She resents my marriage and treats me like the other woman. She is believer. It's beginning to erroad my marriage. I don't know what else to do.
Husband HAS TO SET BOUNDARIES. If he didn’t already, I would separate to show him I am serious. That is absolutely no way to live!
I'm going through the same
Start to pray for your MIL and build a relationship with her alone, if she’ll allow it. Ask her out for lunch or shopping alone. Set boundaries gently if your husband won’t- but be thoughtful and kind. It’s a hard thing but can be a beautiful relationship. In-laws come from another planet and we have to visit it to understand them better
Learn to say no and stick with it.
I don't like my mil she caused my marriage trouble and is a covert narcasisst. That sums her up . Short version she knit picks me and she makes rude comments about my family being loud . Im Italian American. My mil is not easy to even conversate and she is controlling and i am not the type who likes to be told what to do at 38 . Im really close to my mom. She even tried to turn my husband against my poor mom. She wanders everything to be at her time . Not considerate and lacks empathy. She dismisses problems won't work through them . I work through things .i have so much anger towards her burr that been for almost 5 years
What do you do with a daughter in law that just knit picks everything you do. Don't do this, don't do that. How can I be a grandma who can't ever do anything. Also Its so hard to keep quiet when the kids are sick and they don't take them to the doctor or even put a coat or socks on them when its 38 degrees outside. So what I'm hearing is don't say anything if I want a relationship. That is almost impossible. I have tried but but like the coat thing, I said oh let me grab her coat when we were leaving to the store and daughter in law says oh its not that cold she is fine. But DIL is wearing a coat. ugh!!! But me asking to grab her coat would have offended her. I just don't know what to do. I try but comments like the coat thing come out and then I know I have offended her.
My problem here is the sister in law she’s very importunate & critiques our marriage outings & is disrespectful towards me my mother in law agrees with her all the time. I come to my husband about it but instead he gets upset with me.
I've always loved my mother in law.
My sister in law cautioned me early on of problematic areas she faced between her mom and spouse and as they're presenting themselves unfortunately I have put the man in the middle by making him my sounding board. I have tried setting boundaries with her, but feel talked over and disregarded. I can't seem to reconcile why she is so supportive in some ways and so rejecting and even degrading in others. I find myself wondering how much I can accept and forgive before I place strict boundaries on fellowship with her and it's breaking my heart and my Sir's.
This broadcast was helpful in that it did give some insight into her perspective.
I still don't know how to get her to understand and respect the boundaries I need.
Just make them and keep them and send by them as your hubby should too. As long as its done with dispassion and respect
Excellent !
This is beautiful.
Should son help there mother like take care of there mother or should son what if the son wife or girlfriend that has gotten pregnant makes herself self more notice before the son steps to it what does this mean ?
What’s the biblical response when the man isn’t seeing that he didn’t leave and cleave?
Thank you for this information. I am hoping I can have the strength to put it to use effectively to repair the broken relationship between my Mother and my Wife and our family as my Wife want's no contact for a year, 3 months of that has gone on already with some contact. i Just don't like the idea that means no contact with grandchildren and ageing parents. Yet, I've come to the realization with this video, is I need to honor my Wife's desires over my parents. My Mother is very controlling, judgmental, rude comments, etc. It drives my Wife nuts and in part strains our marriage.
I disagree with everything I’ve heard. I was told no sugar yet when they visited her Dads home sugar chocolate ice cream dripping down my granddaughter’s arms and everyone laughing but me. My daughter in law wanted to teach me how to change a diaper even though I raised two sons. I was never allowed a sleep over unless all three grandchildren came, never one on one at a time with each. I paid for private schools, I moved from my home to live in the city they live in to be a hands on grandmother at their request. My Daughter in laws parents live in different states. I volunteered at their schools, took care of my Daughter in law and our grandchildren when she got cancer but when I got breast cancer she never came by.
I wish now I had never moved from my beloved home and had lived my life. I never had a Mother in law or any help raising from anyone when my sons were small and growing up to become great men, it was just my husband and I .
I have always complemented my Daughter in law on what a great Mother and wife she is but the fact is she doesn’t have a kind heart towards me. My grandchildren are grown now and I’m done , exhausted, frustrated, and I want to run away. Far far away 😊 and enjoy me, life with my 75 year old husband. Done , finished , see ya , so long , bye.
Only about daughter-in-laws and their mother-in-laws ? Too safe. The older woman says with daughters and mothers it's different. We buy them cooking sets,etc. to get them ready for marriage. Sounds so pleasant, but the reality is, the mother is not going to compete with her new son-in-law for affection and loyalty and is going to drive the new couple into divorce court unless the new bride, the daughter, backs her mother off. Not surprised to see Focus on the Family producing such a safe, don't talk about damaging mothers of daughters program.
I'd never want my mil at my house I'd snap. She ignores what i tell her and im very honest and forward. She acts like im a child and stupid. She gives me no respect. Also my husband never stood up to her and used to not speak about the problems that's why things are worse. I don't like her at all because of what she did and does
Whether or not she changes, forgive her. Bitterness only hurts you. I have a difficult mil too. I understand not wanting her in your home, but she is your Husband's mom. So , just forgive her and you will have peace... even if it is a strained relationship.
@@ashlieleavelle so much easier said then done. She doesn't even try so its not going to be on me
@@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690 You don't have to have a relationship with her if it is extremely toxic,but forgiveness is a conscious choice in the heart. It is really tough when a mil is constantly causing problems. My Husband and I see his Mom a few times a year, less than 24 hours each time. She doesn't respect boundaries. However, when she does things, I forgive her. I feel sorry for her. She thrives on drama, and she likes to be intrusive. I feel sorry for her. Having compassion on someone allows forgiveness. It doesn't mean that she will apologize, but forgiveness helps you deal with her.
@@ashlieleavelle no cutting them off if you can is healthier though. You can't have compassion for a bad person
This is my reality as well my husband is si passive aggressive. His parents treat me so badly especially his sister and I am not in there lives because it's peaceful for me when I just don't go around them.
Jenny isa bit uptight..the other woman I can relate to . Her MIL definitely will have to work hard
Some MIL do not want their son to get married -they espousified their son -especially an only son- AND the nicer the DIL is, the MIL became more evil to try to make it worse.
Or the mother has tried, and the daughter in law doesn’t want to try
That's incredibly rare.
I have tried twice, this is his second wife, it’s horribly frustrating to try without results, I’m hanging around only to see my grandkids, and will enjoy what I can with my son and daughter in law, you cannot force someone to let you into their heart. I believe my son loves me, but I respect he’s trying to remain married, completely respect that and how i can help that I find important
I guess maybe it's hard to believe that a mil would try genuinely. Why do you feel that she isn't responding? Has she shut you out or is she maybe shy? Maybe your son can try find something you guys have in common and see if you guys can connect on that?
I had a horrible mil, so I wanted to be what I’d wished for....she’s just kind enough, but takes pictures only of her family with her kids, professional photography with her mother and the kids, has harshly judged my daughter, shy works at first, but it’s been years, she knows us, ridiculous, she talks to her friends. I understand she doesn’t have to know or like us, but we’re decent humans, life is easier if you figure out a way to enjoy people at least on a surface level. She won’t talk to the other grandkids, so that’s what really gets me fired up, ignore me, ok, but not other children. I’m beloved when they need a babysitter. One time I was babysitting, they’d installed something to lock the door from outside, my granddaughter’s bedroom...talk about a fire hazard, I was babysitting, got locked inside with the 2 year old...called the parents, they said, oh no...but we just got our food..seriously, I was to stay in that room for a few hours because they were going to a movie next! My daughter got the garage door code and came to get me out, did they thank my daughter, his sister, ? No, instead rolled eyes that I’d become locked in the room...like we all have contraptions to lock our rooms from the outside. I know I’m not the only mil that has tried, daughter-in-laws are young immature women who don’t understand the new phase a mother must also step into, this is more complicated than people acknowledge. Would guess many did change their tune once they have a dil,
I agree with you, we're also young and there are things we might not understand. For instance, my husband is the only son and him and I got married quite fast. Sometimes it's hard for me to empathize with my mil's fear of losing her son and my emotions get the better of me. My mil has never had to deal with a mil because my FIL's mother was never in his life. I spent 3 months with her after my daughter was born because I wanted her to feel a part of our lives and to know I wasn't taking her son away. Instead she'd take my daughter and basically ignore me most of the time. In our culture your mother or mil teaches you how to raise your first born. I decided to go spend time with her instead of my mom to give our relationship a chance and instead she treated me like an outsider. To date, the most hurtful thing she did was tell my husband she'd rather we divorce if we weren't gonna spend Christmas with her family even though we spent our daughter's 1st Christmas with her(which was the year before). She doesn't acknowledge me and instead acts as if my daughter and husband would be better off without me.
So I hear what you're saying and I really think what they did was really inconsiderate. I wish mils and dils could have honest authentic conversations together like we are doing now. I hope that as she grows, she will respect you and that you will both learn to respect each other.