We lived with my in laws for about a year. It was fine. We had fun. They are great people and we all respected boundaries. It CAN work but if it isn’t working GET OUT.
Me and my wife originally moved in with my parents and it took all of 2 weeks before we went and got a place of our own. We did not have a huge amount of money but I could see the emotional toll it was taking on my wife being there so I just had to make it happen.
Hmm.... my hubbie suggested moving in with his mom & I have been telling him no! He kept asking me why not... I told him, that "our marriage wouldn't survive it!" He never mentioned it again!
Good on you. This is the only appropriate response. Married people shouldn't be living with other married people.....especially when those other people are family members.
As a Mexican American, no we don't do a better job at living with family! We just keep our lips seal or become super passive aggressive, it's really toxic. It's really toxic actually all wives in this situation are usually miserable!
Historically, we were too impoverished to not live with family so we had no other choice. The support is nice but mostly the codependency is unhealthy and miserable. If I had the money my mom would be in a guest house or down the street in her own residence.
Currently I’m living with in my laws at their house they are Mexican I’m not Mexican I was wondering why I always feel miserable this comment finally gave me a answer
I'd bet when she met him he was a momma's boy, too. Every person I have ever dated that has been dependent on their parents and has never established boundaries with the parents never got any better.
Never move in with your in laws, controlling and intrusive as heck, especially if you're spouse is a complete whimp, or with terrible communication skills. Communication AND Comprehension 50/50.
Ugh. My husband don’t want to either, but sometimes, his family put themselves in situations where his hands are tied. I end up picking up after everyone. FIL has the audacity to being entitled and thinks he’s in charge and makes everybody think you’re the bad guy because you refuse to do everything he wants. Drives me crazy, but what can I do, other than avoiding them, or go crazy. To this day, my husband considers me the crazy one. Pshh. Sometimes I want him to learn the hard way, but that is a stupid tax I cannot afford.
Baby steps don’t matter if you’re miserable. My in laws lived with me “temporarily” but turned out to be 1 1/2 year with them. They finally moved otherwise we were headed for divorce.
same. Me and my wife are living with my parents until she finishes school. Yes, they annoy me but they have been very good to my wife. If they were disrespectful to my wife I would get very upset.
Thats good, really good I don't have parents or grandparents or anything so you should feel really lucky because when you don't have anybody like anybody to fall back on or to even call for emotional support or anyting that's kind of hard you know I'm very happy for you
@@exceldetail My family is from eastern europe where that is common. I live with my wife with my parents now. Yes it is hard and we plan on getting out but we are making it work. It depends on the parents and your significant other.
The son is used to his mom. He doesn’t think how his moms words and actions are a big deal. Been there. We had to go marriage counseling after living with my in-laws.
I hope I'm wrong, but he sounds like the type of guy who doesn't want to move and will allow his wife to be unhappy in order to be able to stay with his mommy, because he thinks his wife is just giving him trouble instead of really seeing the issues.
If I were a stay at home mom and we felt compelled to move in with my in-laws to pay off debt and/or save, you better believe I am getting off my behind and getting a job to make that happen before I’m moving in with them with 2 kids and losing my freedom and dignity.
Yup. Plus, her being home all day is a problem too. Her and the in-laws seeing each other all day. Instead of keeping herself busy and just coming to the house in the evening.
Stephen Santiago I agree completely with you. Maybe it wouldn’t be such an issue if she worked outside the home and they spent a significantly less amount of time together.
Excel Detail I don’t care if some women stay home if that’s what they and their husband agreed on and if they can stay financially independent, living on their own, but in this case, I agree with you. She needs a job NOW! I’m also surprised to hear a household income of $60,000 for four people and she’s a stay at home mom... that’s not high earning whatsoever. We make over double that combined and I wouldn’t stay home.
@@stephensantiago603 True. It still wouldn't be ideal, but it would be a lot more doable if someone in the house was gone more often. But up in each other's face/business all day..ouch.
My thoughts as well, a lot of these calls and always the husband's fault but not a lot willing to at least get a part time to help and be able to move. That is just my opinion, its a team, not pointing fingers and just blaming the one spouse while the other does nothing to help that spouse get ahead. Its sad but way to many of these calls on here, to much complaining and no action.
Listening to how other married people can't communicate, I thank my lucky stars I have an amazing spouse who enables us to talk about everything and always come out on the same page.
dbzakj I doubt many, most people think the other person is 100% the problem. It takes a really enlightened person to take a step back and say, I might be a part of the problem, even if its 1% of said problem. Sure there are situations where other people are at fault, like cheaters, and drug addicts, or people that are abusive, or even just run and hide away from problems. But sometimes there is a bit of both of us are part of the problem.
Good for you! Unfortunately, in relation to this call, it's not just limited communication, it's the living environment. Dynamics change in a marriage - all marriages. Never assume, it can't happen to you. :)
I accepted that my husband will never understand me, even if he did, he will never acknowledge my pain. He sides with whoever needs help the most. Meaning he’s willing to have me pay the price for his family’s poor decisions. I’ve allowed him to put me in situations that compromised my mental health. He had the audacity to try to leave me because I couldn’t handle the situation. Ugh. I was so dumb back then.
I feel the callers pain. I’ve been in this situation before. When I got sick and tired of it I said “ima start looking for an apartment I can’t be here anymore, and to my surprised he was on board too. FYI Dave Hispanics are no better lol.
On the other side, it is hard to be the in-law they are living with as well. My daughter and son-in-law live with me at the moment. My daughter has three kids, two dogs, and a baby due any day. I don’t mind helping through transitions, and I know how expensive it is out there right now, but it is difficult and stressful for everyone involved. I pray for patience several times a day.
I’m hispanic and My husband and I have lived two different times with each one of our in laws and we’ve had bad times and good times but at the end of the day we can all still get along and we’ve finally gotten our new home and all the time spent with them was definitely worth it because before our house was finished my dad passed away and then about 4 months after that my mother in law passed away so my dad and my mother in law didn’t get to see our beautiful new home. My mom is still alive and got to see it and his dad is still alive and got to see it. Just a little reminder that life is too short to hold on to any argument or any grudges. Just let them say whatever they’d like we are far more stronger mentally than that. They are our parents and will always be there for us no matter what. At the end all will always work out and you’ll never even remember what the arguments were ever about once they are gone ☹️so in the end Dave was right.
Regardless of what race we might happen to be, most women don't really want another woman calling all the shots in the home and/or contradicting how we want to live our lives and raise our families all the time.
You are absolutely correct! Same situation here, my husband & I want our home so bad, but we are living with my parents with 2 kids to save cash for a house because we do not want a mortgage. Yes we bud heads with them alot but we have that same mentality as you do, enjoy these days because one day they will be gone!
Just bc someone may die doesnt mean I will let them say or do what they want to me, The way I feel if you die I might be mad I didnt get the chance to stand up for myself so theres regret on both sides! Parents forget that there kids become adults to and sometimes they need to be reminded!
Shante DeWise well seems like you’ll show them huh well at least you’ll feel good about yourself thats which definitely proves you’re still a kid not an adult
We just moved in to a house with my in laws to save money for a house, they've always been nice, but my father in law has been complaining about every single smell, if we wear cologne or perfume, if I spray paint something in the garage, it's weird how people change.
@@exceldetail So true. I have stayed with my parents a few times while unemployed after returning from teaching abroad. It's always I miss you, etc until I actually get in their home. Then, it's all downhill from there. I was away for 5 years once and on day 4 of being back in their house I got screamed at for something that was not even my fault....suddenly, I was 12 all over again.
He may be allergic to some smells. People grow into allergies. My allergy doctor told me it could happen every 6 months. I developed some allergies to smell after getting a whiff of some perfume in the mail. Before that, I loved strong smelling perfumes. After that event, I could not tolerate any perfumes for years as well as some other smells. And, as people get older their body change both physically and mentally. The change can be a simple effect of aging.
3:25 Dave was quick to defend his FPU credibility and reputation. Right on Dave! And unless the other option was living on the streets, living with in laws is a no go for most people, especially without a plan on how quick they can get out.
Hispanic here married to a hispanic woman. We live with my Hispanic mother in law while we are both going to get our Advanced Degrees debt free. Never been a problem or a fight. We love being able to spend time together. One thing I will say is that it is expected for us to care for each other so long as the dont give each other a reason to not to.
I could tell from the first 30 seconds that she was a stay at home mom. The husband is the breadwinner and a momma boy so she will never give him the ultimatum that she is leaving....why? Because its about finances...if she was working also there would never be a need for this call. She would just say we are moving..period.
I don't think you should shame stay at home mom's. I think the husband needs a kick in the rear end to wake him up and recognize the emotional stress it's putting on his wife.
I'm a SAHM and I agree with you. I work all day homeschooling my 6 kids but there have been many times I feel powerless because I am not bringing in an income. I know what I do is vital and important, but with 2 kids under 2 this mama likely feels stuck and helpless. 😢
I gave up my apartment and moved back in with my parents to help them out when they were in a jam. It was to help them, not me. Worst decision of my life, easily set me back in life by five years. Absolutely never again, I'd live in my car before I lived in someone else's house.
This is tough for women because it is so important to be with your children but then it gives a lot of control to the person bringing money. I could never depend on someone that much too much risk of being left in a big mess or ignored.
I live with my wife's father. It drives me nuts a lot of the time. Hes overly helpful and doesn't communicate well. Hes capable but he doesn't want to move out.
I lived with my inlaws for 8 months while resettling in another state. My father in law was a strong, old school kind of man but he was the sweetest to me. Many times he told my ex that he didn't deserve a woman like me. I made myself useful while there. I cooked twice a week, cleaned the house once a week and kept out living area clean. Never had a problem.
I’ve been living with my in-laws for the past 3 months with my husband and two kids. We’ve been waiting for our house to be built. But it’s been a rough wait... 😂
I've been living with my in laws for over three years now. He keeps saying he wants his own house with me and we're both working our butts off saving every penny for it. At least we don't have kids right now. I flat told him I'm not even going to consider having a baby while we're living with his mom and extended family. There's just not enough space and no privacy or respect for personal space or boundaries because that just how families are towards their adult kids. Luckily his mom is a lot nicer to me then my own family so I can tolerate it for the time being. Can't wait to have my own place and my own kitchen and live by my own rules though. That would be wonderful and I can finally have some peace. 😅
I wish Dave would have mentioned that they need to establish a timeline of when they plan to move out. In x amount of months? Once x amount of debt is paid off? With no specific plan, this living situation that was intended to be a safety net is really becoming a hammock... too comfortable for the husband to want to leave.
True. I recently got married and you guys are my favorite podcast to listen to when headed in to work. I come from what I would consider a normal family and my wife not so much. I never realized how toxic and dysfunctional family members could and would play a role in my marriage. So I’m taking it day by day and listening too you guys all the way lol
I made the mistake of moving in with my parents with my wife. It was just bad. Don't do it. A guy's mother is never happy with what his wife does. We got out ASAP.
Yeap. My in-laws lived with me and it was miserable. I also can’t imagine living with a DIL. I’m teaching my kids to be independent before getting married. Hopefully they follow through. I had to learn it the hard way. I hope they can enjoy their married life and I don’t have to be involved. Fingers crossed 🤞
Naaa we Hispanics just give in to our in laws or parents. Its just as toxic. I love my parents and my husbands family, but I would sooner live in my car than with them.
See these are the things that are non-negotiable for me due to my previous experiences in relationships overall. 1. Peace of mind- because I require too much of my solitude and space to roam freely and be my unapologetic self. 2. Need to already have your stuff together- stability is a must for me and deserve to be fully comfortable in my space. 3. Needs to be employed or have an established business 4. Personal healing needs to be active And the full list goes on
Move out. PERIOD. Sounds like the caller is over it. I’m currently back living at home for their exact reason, with folks who I don’t agree with half the time, but I have goals (similar to what the caller’s husband has in mind) and I have to balance that with how much stress living at home I can take. I think they may need to accept that moving out prematurely may be the best thing for them this time.
Never live with family, never rent from family, never borrow or loan money with family. If you buy a car from family pay for it 100% with cash, no monthly payments. Never EVER get into any kind situation with family that’s got strings attached in the form of money
Why would this guy want to move? He’s living at home with mommy and he’s got a wife on the side? He probably doesn’t do anything at all around that house. The other thing is that him being secretive about the money probably means he’s not really saving anything or getting the debt paid off, and he doesn’t want to admit that.
She didn’t state in which way her MIL is difficult and we often don’t know. Particularly when we’re young. But, sometimes, even with a mother or MIL, an offer to live with them is a Trojan horse. They are, sometimes, offering that opportunity because there are strings attached. One might say that, if she’s needy and feels that it’s only right to help her out as, she’s helping you out. But, I suspect that it’s often done as a lure. Like you don’t know until you’ve moved in and they’re sure you can’t go back. At that point, you may have everything, including doing chores, taking her wherever she needs to go, giving her access to the grandkids no matter what her behavior, and even a curfew, even if you thought you were going to also work an extra job to save up some real money. In other words, you thought you were moving in for you, but that’s not what she had in mind.
It sounds like Cassie and her MIL are butting heads over the way she keeps house/raising herchildren. Her husband doesnt want to hear it because he doesnt want to pick sides. If Cassie cant communicate how to she feels to Dave, I can imagine how it is with her husband. Every time Dave asked her a question, she never gave a direct answer.
I'm Hispanic and no my mom is a nightmare. We're currently trying to leave and move in to an apartment even though the process are bonkers. Ofc I'd rather pay crazy rent prices than be there with my mom.
Girl, go get a job and babysitter and move out. Believe me, he will follow you. Don’t stay at that mans mercy while he ignores your mental well-being. Ask him does he want his mama or his wife?????
@@bonnevillebagger9147 It's not that she's making him choose to abandon his family or to stop talking to them, but because his mother is "difficult" as she said, it's taking a toll on her and their marriage. When you get married, the bible says a man is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife and the two become one flesh....in other words if your WIFE is saying she's having a breakdown and there is no resolution & boundaries between her and your mother, then you are to do what the bible says...1. Cleave to your WIFE not mommy. 2. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. In other words, put her NEEDS above your WANTS. Deny yourself so that your wife can be at peace and you can save your marriage.
Big Bear Bonneville A married adult owes it to their spouse to put him/her first, not mommy. It’s called “leave and cleave” ...leave mommy’s home and cleave to your spouse. When you’re married, especially with children, you have a duty to prioritize your own family over your parents, especially if your parents are misbehaving.
Your family's peace is more important than the speed of Baby Step 2. It's too bad that mom-in-law is hard to live with, but no amount of paid-off debt makes that easier.
Yep! Been there done that. I kept putting it off. But i finally found a job with minimal interaction with my father in law while the husband has shorter days. He saw how difficult it is to deal with his father and we finally moved out. Mind you! We're paying all the bills
It's a fact! Hispanic can do it better! My dad married my mom when they were young he took her to live with his older siblings it was 10 of them in a 2 bedroom apartment!!! My mom left him and went to live with a friend after 4 months he went to go see her with a key to their own apartment thats the only way she went back with him even us Hispanics get fed up with family sometimes we know no borders or boundaries and I can make that joke because its about me 😂👍
My parents have Hispanic neighbors. There are two trailers and each trailer has at least 8 or more people living in it. My parents were outside one time and heard them arguing. No surprises there.
@@blackjack444.... yeah, it must be tough. I am an only child, and I grew up in a house with just one bathroom. Three of us with only one bathroom got tough sometimes.
When I got married, we agreed to not live in the same city as our parents, as we didn’t want their input on our relationship. My mother was butt-hurt, his mother didn’t want him to marry me, even though she never raised him, even when she had the chance. She also wanted us to move to Houston (we’re in the same state.) She asked him, he declined. She asked me and was being pushy. I told her that I would “never” move there. She replied with “never say never.” I said “I WILL NEVER MOVE THERE” in a slow and enunciated manner. She got the message because she never asked again. A few years after we were married, she had an old female friend of his at her house when we went to visit. He wasn’t interested and quite frankly didn’t understand what his mother was up to. I’m Hispanic and don’t understand how and why people of different generations live together, other than having children.
What a nightmare for this woman! It's his mom, so of course he's not going to see what a toxic person she can be. They need to move fast or this will end up in divorce or that woman having a heart attack. In laws can be a true pain in the you know what. Avoid living with in laws at all cost.
Ha! Sounds like my husband. 1. He IS a mama boy. 2. Mama babies him so he doesn’t want to leave. 3. He cares about himself. Only after I decided to leave before he relented and we moved out. Still married and my relationship with my MIL is better than ever. He goes and visit his mom 2x a week at a minimum.
He has a plan. Get out of debt, save money for a house, tell the wife to shut up. That can be fatal to a marriage I see a "So go then" answer coming from him if she issues an ultimatum. They do need a specific timeline to be able to live though this and she needs to accept some pain. MIL isn't worse than divorce.
I’ve never been a fan of living with other people unless absolutely necessary. But I do believe it depends on your relationship with the in laws. I’m sure some can pull it off long term...but most likely cannot 😉
I am going through this too but we have figured out and communicated what will work best for us we should be out in 6-8 monthes with a house of our own.
Why do people decide to have kids with these salaries? Am I missing something? 60k gross for a family of 4 sounds like nothing but struggle. Why put yourself through that?
My FIL lives with me it’s not bad he helps takes care of the kids (4,5) he pays rent and he’s gone most of the time as soon as he’s done watching my kids I have a super high tolerance and patience for people tho and it looks like not many people have that in these comments 😂 My take is look at the positives your in laws bring to the table living with you whether they help with the kids or pay there portion of rent or do the dishes once in awhile
Sounds like compromise needs to happen... like we stay until the debt is to 5k then we leave or some type of reasonable milestone thats reachable within the next 4-6 months. i think shed be able to handle that
I feel like there was a few calls 7 months ago asking if they should move in with parents 😂. No one in blue blazes should think about living with parents when you're married.
Hispanics do this very often. But that’s not to say that it was never toxic. With the times changing, and awareness rising, more and more Hispanics are speaking on the toxicity of the enmeshed family systems.
I think the only problem here is that the husband is not sharing the load with his wife. $60k is a small shovel, so moving in temporarily to double the savings (potentially) is not a bad idea. The bad thing is that he needs to be exact and transparent about how much needs to be saved, what needs to be done for that to happen, and how long it will take, so that both of them can see the light at the end of the tunnel. His wife will be able to grin and bear it, if she knows there's an end to it.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
NEVER LIVE WITH IN-LAWS. In fact, don’t live in the same city with them. 😂🤭
😹😆
Or community
We lived with my in laws for about a year. It was fine. We had fun. They are great people and we all respected boundaries. It CAN work but if it isn’t working GET OUT.
Holly B you’re fortunate
I have heard some suggest you shouldn't be in the same state.
“Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe.”
― Mark Twain
🙌🙌
Me and my wife originally moved in with my parents and it took all of 2 weeks before we went and got a place of our own. We did not have a huge amount of money but I could see the emotional toll it was taking on my wife being there so I just had to make it happen.
That’s awesome
Your an absolute gem of a husband. God bless you, and your wife is so lucky to have you. Wish all husband could be like that.
👏🙌👏🙌👏🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Awesome job! Your a great husband.
good for you for recognizing that
My first reaction: If it's that bad, move out. Mental health is SO important.
Hardly indians understand !! 😐
But what happens when you cant move out?
Husband won't leave
Hmm.... my hubbie suggested moving in with his mom & I have been telling him no!
He kept asking me why not... I told him, that "our marriage wouldn't survive it!"
He never mentioned it again!
Wow. Good for you. Is your MIL domineering or nosy?
Good on you. This is the only appropriate response. Married people shouldn't be living with other married people.....especially when those other people are family members.
@Akash Guha Thakurata nope! We get along really well and it will stay that way...!
Lucky you!
I am expecting and its really taking toll onme
As a Mexican American, no we don't do a better job at living with family! We just keep our lips seal or become super passive aggressive, it's really toxic. It's really toxic actually all wives in this situation are usually miserable!
I hate how true this is. Currently living with his mother in law and ive been miserable for years and years asking to leave.
Historically, we were too impoverished to not live with family so we had no other choice. The support is nice but mostly the codependency is unhealthy and miserable. If I had the money my mom would be in a guest house or down the street in her own residence.
Facts!!!
My Hispanic mother in law couldn’t stand me when she lived with me 😂 like girl you live in MY HOME.
Currently I’m living with in my laws at their house they are Mexican I’m not Mexican I was wondering why I always feel miserable this comment finally gave me a answer
He doesn't want to move out because he's gotten content and is lazy about making and truly sticking to a plan
I think you're right
He doesn’t have a plan.
I'd bet when she met him he was a momma's boy, too.
Every person I have ever dated that has been dependent on their parents and has never established boundaries with the parents never got any better.
I think its money. Their household income is 60k gross for 4 people. He cant afford to move out
@@thangxixon 60k for 4 people should be plenty for 3 people to live on, even in 2020.
Living with my in-laws ruined my marriage a long time ago. Worst decision ever besides getting married. Get out.
At least you got your cute dog
My parents also advised me to never live next door to in-laws either. 100% truth.
Your in-laws want to correct you out of love💖, especially when it comes to raising your kids💏.
Never move in with your in laws, controlling and intrusive as heck, especially if you're spouse is a complete whimp, or with terrible communication skills. Communication AND Comprehension 50/50.
tulips But cats next door are fine?
Hubby is perfectly happy staying under mommy's wing again and not going to budge. She might have to move out on her own soon.
This is my problem 😥
With what income😂😂😂😂
NEVER move in with the in-laws and NEVER let family live with you!
Ugh. My husband don’t want to either, but sometimes, his family put themselves in situations where his hands are tied. I end up picking up after everyone. FIL has the audacity to being entitled and thinks he’s in charge and makes everybody think you’re the bad guy because you refuse to do everything he wants. Drives me crazy, but what can I do, other than avoiding them, or go crazy. To this day, my husband considers me the crazy one. Pshh. Sometimes I want him to learn the hard way, but that is a stupid tax I cannot afford.
Your not the problem. For your own sanity, put your foot down. It’s either them or you!
Why isn't she working or planning to go back to work? If she worked they'd have more money to have a place of their own.
We moved in the with in-laws to save and it was a nightmare! Lasted a month before we both said nope, not going to stay here a second longer!
Baby steps don’t matter if you’re miserable. My in laws lived with me “temporarily” but turned out to be 1 1/2 year with them. They finally moved otherwise we were headed for divorce.
This makes me appreciate my mom and mother in law even more. I am so lucky. They are amazing.
same. Me and my wife are living with my parents until she finishes school. Yes, they annoy me but they have been very good to my wife. If they were disrespectful to my wife I would get very upset.
Thats good, really good I don't have parents or grandparents or anything so you should feel really lucky because when you don't have anybody like anybody to fall back on or to even call for emotional support or anyting that's kind of hard you know I'm very happy for you
"How to live with in-laws". Sorry to say, but YOU DON'T.
Yep, been there. It's not a good situation.
@@exceldetail My family is from eastern europe where that is common. I live with my wife with my parents now. Yes it is hard and we plan on getting out but we are making it work. It depends on the parents and your significant other.
The son is used to his mom. He doesn’t think how his moms words and actions are a big deal. Been there. We had to go marriage counseling after living with my in-laws.
I will live in a car or cardboard box before I move in with my in laws.
🤣
Me,too.
Same
You seem like a great family guy.
If it weren’t for the kids, definitely!
I hope I'm wrong, but he sounds like the type of guy who doesn't want to move and will allow his wife to be unhappy in order to be able to stay with his mommy, because he thinks his wife is just giving him trouble instead of really seeing the issues.
John: “Dave, you’ve answered this question for.. a hundred and fifty years on this show”
Dave: WHATT?!?
nearly made me spit out my water
Dave took it personally. Lol
But it true if you watch dave Ramsey show for years.
I think Dr D said that to complement Dave how well he gives advise on the current subject.
@blink56k The explanation made it worse, lol, changed it from experience related to just straight up old age.
Dave was not amused, lol.
If I were a stay at home mom and we felt compelled to move in with my in-laws to pay off debt and/or save, you better believe I am getting off my behind and getting a job to make that happen before I’m moving in with them with 2 kids and losing my freedom and dignity.
Yup. Plus, her being home all day is a problem too. Her and the in-laws seeing each other all day. Instead of keeping herself busy and just coming to the house in the evening.
Stephen Santiago I agree completely with you. Maybe it wouldn’t be such an issue if she worked outside the home and they spent a significantly less amount of time together.
Excel Detail I don’t care if some women stay home if that’s what they and their husband agreed on and if they can stay financially independent, living on their own, but in this case, I agree with you. She needs a job NOW! I’m also surprised to hear a household income of $60,000 for four people and she’s a stay at home mom... that’s not high earning whatsoever. We make over double that combined and I wouldn’t stay home.
@@stephensantiago603 True. It still wouldn't be ideal, but it would be a lot more doable if someone in the house was gone more often. But up in each other's face/business all day..ouch.
My thoughts as well, a lot of these calls and always the husband's fault but not a lot willing to at least get a part time to help and be able to move. That is just my opinion, its a team, not pointing fingers and just blaming the one spouse while the other does nothing to help that spouse get ahead. Its sad but way to many of these calls on here, to much complaining and no action.
Listening to how other married people can't communicate, I thank my lucky stars I have an amazing spouse who enables us to talk about everything and always come out on the same page.
Fact is not everyone out there is marriage or even relationship material. I wonder how many such people realize they are in this category.
dbzakj
I doubt many, most people think the other person is 100% the problem.
It takes a really enlightened person to take a step back and say, I might be a part of the problem, even if its 1% of said problem.
Sure there are situations where other people are at fault, like cheaters, and drug addicts, or people that are abusive, or even just run and hide away from problems.
But sometimes there is a bit of both of us are part of the problem.
Same! Communication is key to a happy health marriage.
Good for you! Unfortunately, in relation to this call, it's not just limited communication, it's the living environment. Dynamics change in a marriage - all marriages. Never assume, it can't happen to you. :)
I accepted that my husband will never understand me, even if he did, he will never acknowledge my pain.
He sides with whoever needs help the most. Meaning he’s willing to have me pay the price for his family’s poor decisions.
I’ve allowed him to put me in situations that compromised my mental health. He had the audacity to try to leave me because I couldn’t handle the situation. Ugh. I was so dumb back then.
Living with your in Laws is always a pain. I rather live in a car.
I feel the callers pain. I’ve been in this situation before. When I got sick and tired of it I said “ima start looking for an apartment I can’t be here anymore, and to my surprised he was on board too. FYI Dave Hispanics are no better lol.
On the other side, it is hard to be the in-law they are living with as well. My daughter and son-in-law live with me at the moment. My daughter has three kids, two dogs, and a baby due any day. I don’t mind helping through transitions, and I know how expensive it is out there right now, but it is difficult and stressful for everyone involved. I pray for patience several times a day.
They should have planned better with having so many kids. Good luck.
If you are the one that offered then you shouldnt co.pmain and be grateful to to help them. Thats your child.
@@justagirl12345 Her child is old enough to look after herself if she has 3 kids.
I’m hispanic and My husband and I have lived two different times with each one of our in laws and we’ve had bad times and good times but at the end of the day we can all still get along and we’ve finally gotten our new home and all the time spent with them was definitely worth it because before our house was finished my dad passed away and then about 4 months after that my mother in law passed away so my dad and my mother in law didn’t get to see our beautiful new home. My mom is still alive and got to see it and his dad is still alive and got to see it. Just a little reminder that life is too short to hold on to any argument or any grudges. Just let them say whatever they’d like we are far more stronger mentally than that. They are our parents and will always be there for us no matter what. At the end all will always work out and you’ll never even remember what the arguments were ever about once they are gone ☹️so in the end Dave was right.
Regardless of what race we might happen to be, most women don't really want another woman calling all the shots in the home and/or contradicting how we want to live our lives and raise our families all the time.
You are absolutely correct! Same situation here, my husband & I want our home so bad, but we are living with my parents with 2 kids to save cash for a house because we do not want a mortgage. Yes we bud heads with them alot but we have that same mentality as you do, enjoy these days because one day they will be gone!
300 miles a long way off
Just bc someone may die doesnt mean I will let them say or do what they want to me, The way I feel if you die I might be mad I didnt get the chance to stand up for myself so theres regret on both sides! Parents forget that there kids become adults to and sometimes they need to be reminded!
Shante DeWise well seems like you’ll show them huh well at least you’ll feel good about yourself thats which definitely proves you’re still a kid not an adult
Autonomy is expensive
An introvert would never put up with such an insult on your inner sanctum, your mind
We just moved in to a house with my in laws to save money for a house, they've always been nice, but my father in law has been complaining about every single smell, if we wear cologne or perfume, if I spray paint something in the garage, it's weird how people change.
@@exceldetail So true. I have stayed with my parents a few times while unemployed after returning from teaching abroad. It's always I miss you, etc until I actually get in their home. Then, it's all downhill from there. I was away for 5 years once and on day 4 of being back in their house I got screamed at for something that was not even my fault....suddenly, I was 12 all over again.
@@exceldetail Its been 3 weeks!! 😂 we're actually helping them out with the rent or anything!
He may be allergic to some smells. People grow into allergies. My allergy doctor told me it could happen every 6 months. I developed some allergies to smell after getting a whiff of some perfume in the mail. Before that, I loved strong smelling perfumes. After that event, I could not tolerate any perfumes for years as well as some other smells. And, as people get older their body change both physically and mentally. The change can be a simple effect of aging.
I'd rather be abducted by a UFO for experiments than live with my in-laws.
Hahahaha. 😭🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I wish I had said that.
Lol
🤣🤣🤣
Good one;) me too
Husband needs to grow a backbone and provide for his family, period. Can't just run to mommy to save money.
Never EVER move in with in-laws....EVER!!!
3:25 Dave was quick to defend his FPU credibility and reputation. Right on Dave!
And unless the other option was living on the streets, living with in laws is a no go for most people, especially without a plan on how quick they can get out.
"Mommy, she says we have issues."
I’m glad I found Dave so young that I don’t even make money for a budget!
Hispanic here married to a hispanic woman. We live with my Hispanic mother in law while we are both going to get our Advanced Degrees debt free. Never been a problem or a fight. We love being able to spend time together. One thing I will say is that it is expected for us to care for each other so long as the dont give each other a reason to not to.
I could tell from the first 30 seconds that she was a stay at home mom. The husband is the breadwinner and a momma boy so she will never give him the ultimatum that she is leaving....why? Because its about finances...if she was working also there would never be a need for this call. She would just say we are moving..period.
I won't say what I can tell about you from your willingness to give ultimatums.
I don't think you should shame stay at home mom's. I think the husband needs a kick in the rear end to wake him up and recognize the emotional stress it's putting on his wife.
@- exactly
I'm a SAHM and I agree with you. I work all day homeschooling my 6 kids but there have been many times I feel powerless because I am not bringing in an income. I know what I do is vital and important, but with 2 kids under 2 this mama likely feels stuck and helpless. 😢
All you dude hating on stay at home moms I feel sad for
I gave up my apartment and moved back in with my parents to help them out when they were in a jam. It was to help them, not me. Worst decision of my life, easily set me back in life by five years. Absolutely never again, I'd live in my car before I lived in someone else's house.
How did it set you back?
This is tough for women because it is so important to be with your children but then it gives a lot of control to the person bringing money. I could never depend on someone that much too much risk of being left in a big mess or ignored.
Oh lord I can’t imagine living with my wife’s parents, my thoughts are with this lady.
Why they having children if they can't afford it
I live with my wife's father. It drives me nuts a lot of the time. Hes overly helpful and doesn't communicate well. Hes capable but he doesn't want to move out.
I lived with my inlaws for 8 months while resettling in another state. My father in law was a strong, old school kind of man but he was the sweetest to me. Many times he told my ex that he didn't deserve a woman like me. I made myself useful while there. I cooked twice a week, cleaned the house once a week and kept out living area clean. Never had a problem.
That’s why you should put a date on things from the beginning.
I’ve been living with my in-laws for the past 3 months with my husband and two kids. We’ve been waiting for our house to be built. But it’s been a rough wait... 😂
Was it worth the wait?!?!
I've been living with my in laws for over three years now. He keeps saying he wants his own house with me and we're both working our butts off saving every penny for it. At least we don't have kids right now. I flat told him I'm not even going to consider having a baby while we're living with his mom and extended family. There's just not enough space and no privacy or respect for personal space or boundaries because that just how families are towards their adult kids. Luckily his mom is a lot nicer to me then my own family so I can tolerate it for the time being. Can't wait to have my own place and my own kitchen and live by my own rules though. That would be wonderful and I can finally have some peace. 😅
At least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish Dave would have mentioned that they need to establish a timeline of when they plan to move out. In x amount of months? Once x amount of debt is paid off? With no specific plan, this living situation that was intended to be a safety net is really becoming a hammock... too comfortable for the husband to want to leave.
True. I recently got married and you guys are my favorite podcast to listen to when headed in to work. I come from what I would consider a normal family and my wife not so much. I never realized how toxic and dysfunctional family members could and would play a role in my marriage. So I’m taking it day by day and listening too you guys all the way lol
I made the mistake of moving in with my parents with my wife. It was just bad. Don't do it.
A guy's mother is never happy with what his wife does.
We got out ASAP.
Yeap. My in-laws lived with me and it was miserable. I also can’t imagine living with a DIL. I’m teaching my kids to be independent before getting married. Hopefully they follow through. I had to learn it the hard way. I hope they can enjoy their married life and I don’t have to be involved. Fingers crossed 🤞
Why does Dave give more straightforward, dynamic, and a better advice giver about family issues than the family counselor?
Naaa we Hispanics just give in to our in laws or parents. Its just as toxic. I love my parents and my husbands family, but I would sooner live in my car than with them.
La suegra se mete en todo
She got herself trapped😦
I’m so glad I was blessed with a good head on my shoulders and never had to put up with that situation.
1:15 there you have it
Caller: I don't like living with my mother in law
Dr John Delony: "Are you safe?"
See these are the things that are non-negotiable for me due to my previous experiences in relationships overall.
1. Peace of mind- because I require too much of my solitude and space to roam freely and be my unapologetic self.
2. Need to already have your stuff together- stability is a must for me and deserve to be fully comfortable in my space.
3. Needs to be employed or have an established business
4. Personal healing needs to be active
And the full list goes on
Move out. PERIOD. Sounds like the caller is over it. I’m currently back living at home for their exact reason, with folks who I don’t agree with half the time, but I have goals (similar to what the caller’s husband has in mind) and I have to balance that with how much stress living at home I can take. I think they may need to accept that moving out prematurely may be the best thing for them this time.
Never live with family, never rent from family, never borrow or loan money with family. If you buy a car from family pay for it 100% with cash, no monthly payments. Never EVER get into any kind situation with family that’s got strings attached in the form of money
So true that’s where I f**ked up
Why would this guy want to move? He’s living at home with mommy and he’s got a wife on the side? He probably doesn’t do anything at all around that house. The other thing is that him being secretive about the money probably means he’s not really saving anything or getting the debt paid off, and he doesn’t want to admit that.
She didn’t state in which way her MIL is difficult and we often don’t know. Particularly when we’re young. But, sometimes, even with a mother or MIL, an offer to live with them is a Trojan horse. They are, sometimes, offering that opportunity because there are strings attached. One might say that, if she’s needy and feels that it’s only right to help her out as, she’s helping you out. But, I suspect that it’s often done as a lure. Like you don’t know until you’ve moved in and they’re sure you can’t go back. At that point, you may have everything, including doing chores, taking her wherever she needs to go, giving her access to the grandkids no matter what her behavior, and even a curfew, even if you thought you were going to also work an extra job to save up some real money. In other words, you thought you were moving in for you, but that’s not what she had in mind.
@@devilsadvocate7059 Nope. Just because it's her house, it doesn't mean she can treat them any way she wants, such as verbal abuse. Nope.
"Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it."
-- Harper Lee
It sounds like Cassie and her MIL are butting heads over the way she keeps house/raising herchildren. Her husband doesnt want to hear it because he doesnt want to pick sides. If Cassie cant communicate how to she feels to Dave, I can imagine how it is with her husband. Every time Dave asked her a question, she never gave a direct answer.
Husband should always have the wife’s side. He’s not married to his mom after all🤮
Should wives always have their husband's side? Always?
@@mktay2067 Biblically, yes, the vast majority of the time.
We lived my mother-in-law for more than 4 years. She always told me what to do. No privacy. It was awful!
I'm Hispanic and no my mom is a nightmare. We're currently trying to leave and move in to an apartment even though the process are bonkers. Ofc I'd rather pay crazy rent prices than be there with my mom.
You are running up emotional debt while paying down financial debt--not a good trade off.
Girl, go get a job and babysitter and move out. Believe me, he will follow you. Don’t stay at that mans mercy while he ignores your mental well-being. Ask him does he want his mama or his wife?????
Yep, or she’ll be a trapped single mother.
Any woman that makes you choose between them and your family, can kick rocks.
@@bonnevillebagger9147 It's not that she's making him choose to abandon his family or to stop talking to them, but because his mother is "difficult" as she said, it's taking a toll on her and their marriage. When you get married, the bible says a man is to leave his parents and cleave to his wife and the two become one flesh....in other words if your WIFE is saying she's having a breakdown and there is no resolution & boundaries between her and your mother, then you are to do what the bible says...1. Cleave to your WIFE not mommy.
2. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. In other words, put her NEEDS above your WANTS. Deny yourself so that your wife can be at peace and you can save your marriage.
Big Bear Bonneville A married adult owes it to their spouse to put him/her first, not mommy. It’s called “leave and cleave” ...leave mommy’s home and cleave to your spouse. When you’re married, especially with children, you have a duty to prioritize your own family over your parents, especially if your parents are misbehaving.
He needs to put his wife first over his “mommy”. He didn’t marry his mom, he married his wife
😂😂😂😂 Dave’s response to Johns comment
Not worth it. Just get out of there.
Your family's peace is more important than the speed of Baby Step 2. It's too bad that mom-in-law is hard to live with, but no amount of paid-off debt makes that easier.
Yep! Been there done that. I kept putting it off. But i finally found a job with minimal interaction with my father in law while the husband has shorter days. He saw how difficult it is to deal with his father and we finally moved out. Mind you! We're paying all the bills
Im 19 earn around 33k yearly and wanted to buy my big ol diesel truck (2018 GMC Denali worth 45k) thank you for preventing that lol
El Chicano buy it when you can pay cash and I promise it will have been worth the wait.
Good for you not doing that. I screeched constantly to my boyfriend to sell his diesel. It was a dated Ford kept breaking down. Finally free from it 😝
He's a mama's boy stuck with his family.
need to leave them ASAP
"if they ain't paying yo bills, pay them no mind"- Rupaul
They probably are paying his bills 😂😂
Whose roof is he sleeping under?
That was my thought. He gets to be a kid again. He's quite comfortable in this semi-toxic environment since that is what he grew up with.
Maybe he is busy working and trying to work the steps. You haven’t heard his side or the mil side. Why does everyone automatically believe the woman?
It's a fact! Hispanic can do it better! My dad married my mom when they were young he took her to live with his older siblings it was 10 of them in a 2 bedroom apartment!!! My mom left him and went to live with a friend after 4 months he went to go see her with a key to their own apartment thats the only way she went back with him even us Hispanics get fed up with family sometimes we know no borders or boundaries and I can make that joke because its about me 😂👍
My parents have Hispanic neighbors. There are two trailers and each trailer has at least 8 or more people living in it. My parents were outside one time and heard them arguing. No surprises there.
😳 5 per ROOM!! Do You have to make appointment to take a dump? 😂
@@blackjack444.... yeah, it must be tough. I am an only child, and I grew up in a house with just one bathroom. Three of us with only one bathroom got tough sometimes.
When I got married, we agreed to not live in the same city as our parents, as we didn’t want their input on our relationship. My mother was butt-hurt, his mother didn’t want him to marry me, even though she never raised him, even when she had the chance. She also wanted us to move to Houston (we’re in the same state.) She asked him, he declined. She asked me and was being pushy. I told her that I would “never” move there. She replied with “never say never.” I said “I WILL NEVER MOVE THERE” in a slow and enunciated manner. She got the message because she never asked again. A few years after we were married, she had an old female friend of his at her house when we went to visit. He wasn’t interested and quite frankly didn’t understand what his mother was up to. I’m Hispanic and don’t understand how and why people of different generations live together, other than having children.
What a nightmare for this woman! It's his mom, so of course he's not going to see what a toxic person she can be. They need to move fast or this will end up in divorce or that woman having a heart attack. In laws can be a true pain in the you know what. Avoid living with in laws at all cost.
Ha! Sounds like my husband. 1. He IS a mama boy. 2. Mama babies him so he doesn’t want to leave. 3. He cares about himself. Only after I decided to leave before he relented and we moved out. Still married and my relationship with my MIL is better than ever. He goes and visit his mom 2x a week at a minimum.
Everything is a trade off .
Pretty strong opinions from only her side of the story. Definitely love Dave but I’d be interested in his opinion
60k after taxes in taxachusetts is like 45-50k. Will be hard finding an affordable place in MA for a family of 4 on that salary.
He has a plan. Get out of debt, save money for a house, tell the wife to shut up. That can be fatal to a marriage I see a "So go then" answer coming from him if she issues an ultimatum. They do need a specific timeline to be able to live though this and she needs to accept some pain. MIL isn't worse than divorce.
I’ve never been a fan of living with other people unless absolutely necessary. But I do believe it depends on your relationship with the in laws. I’m sure some can pull it off long term...but most likely cannot 😉
He’s happy living with his mommy.
I am going through this too but we have figured out and communicated what will work best for us we should be out in 6-8 monthes with a house of our own.
2:50 Lol, Dave’s reaction. XD
There’s a reason and a season for everything .
Why do people decide to have kids with these salaries? Am I missing something? 60k gross for a family of 4 sounds like nothing but struggle. Why put yourself through that?
Simply tell him that you and the kids are moving out, and that he's welcome to join you.
I’m hispanic, I lived with the mother of my husband for 6 months. I couldn’t live with her for any longer. Never live with your in-laws.
Very fortunate in the in- law department, they're great! My wife was a great indicator - love you Kaylee :)
I live in mass. 60k with two kids not enough at all with these high rent and living here. She need to get a job and the move out
My FIL lives with me it’s not bad he helps takes care of the kids (4,5) he pays rent and he’s gone most of the time as soon as he’s done watching my kids
I have a super high tolerance and patience for people tho and it looks like not many people have that in these comments 😂
My take is look at the positives your in laws bring to the table living with you whether they help with the kids or pay there portion of rent or do the dishes once in awhile
You would think by now people will open up with the following info: how much they make, how much they are in debt, and what's the question/context.
He fears the pressures of responsibility so the excuses will never end.
Yes, Hispanics are better at it but we still have the same mother in-law issues 🤣
Sounds like compromise needs to happen... like we stay until the debt is to 5k then we leave or some type of reasonable milestone thats reachable within the next 4-6 months. i think shed be able to handle that
I love John and Dave together.
Chill out John.
Yeah John is a great addition. I like how he explains!
John is no bueno
Dave is 112% correct with her leaving... either with him or without him.
Her sanity is worth way more than Baby Step 2.
Live in a trailer before living with in-laws
Why do people keep having more children when they’re broke? 😡
D A Sheffield They probably have nothing else to live for.
@dueimack they will take drugs to affect themselves. bringing children into the world is a different ball game.
They didn’t say they’re broke . 2 kids is not a lot . Mind your business .
No job, more time for boom boom!
Earning 60,000 a year is not broke. That is more than the national average. And they only have 10,000 in debt.
Explain like Dave said
Start packing
Start looking for an place to live together today
Bye mom
I feel like there was a few calls 7 months ago asking if they should move in with parents 😂. No one in blue blazes should think about living with parents when you're married.
Living with inlaws is one of the dumbest things to do. Never ever do it. Family makes living together nightmare.
"That was a little bit of a boomer joke." I'm pretty sure both of these guys are boomers.
Hispanics do this very often. But that’s not to say that it was never toxic. With the times changing, and awareness rising, more and more Hispanics are speaking on the toxicity of the enmeshed family systems.
I think the only problem here is that the husband is not sharing the load with his wife. $60k is a small shovel, so moving in temporarily to double the savings (potentially) is not a bad idea. The bad thing is that he needs to be exact and transparent about how much needs to be saved, what needs to be done for that to happen, and how long it will take, so that both of them can see the light at the end of the tunnel. His wife will be able to grin and bear it, if she knows there's an end to it.
Thank god my in laws are so great