Dave I have a question I’m saving for a house I’m hoping to buy next year but I’m also going to get my drivers license this summer should I pay cash for a car and just put 10% down on a house and will it affect me getting a mortgage if I pay cash for a car and I don’t have a car payment it won’t affect my debt debt to income ratio correct?
Sis needs to get out. I think Jean dodged the age question because she’s scared her husband will find out. I’m not sure a pastor would be the best person to help since knowing the husband could compromise his objectivity.
I don’t know.. this is sad but in her case I wouldn’t recommend telling him. It sounds to me like he is VERY abusive and manipulative and she’s been in it too long. This is the first time I disagree w them in this one just because her situation here puts her at risk and this small amount of money to care for her mother and her kids. I worry telling him would put the inheritance at risk, or even worse, her life. This is too deep and has been too deep for too long.
My grandparents were married over 40 years and hated each other. Separate bedrooms for decades. This generation was told divorce was a sin or would ruin your life.
@@alladreamwedreamed same with my grandparents. Married for 56 years but hated each other’s guts. The only reason they stayed together was to keep all the family assets together, and because like you said, divorce was very frowned upon. My parents have been married for 36 years, but most of their marriage has also been pure misery. Thankfully they’re doing better now, but our childhood was definitely affected by all the fighting, tension, and constant threats of divorce. My parents were also not shy about repeatedly declaring that my sister and I were the only reason they were still together...which, for the record, does NOT comfort a child whatsoever. It instead makes them feel like all the misery is their fault. Needless to say, I have no interest in getting married.
Yep, it really is the quality of the relationship and not just the duration. You can just put up with each other or really embrace their companionship.
My parents are married for 40 years. When my mom retired my dad spent that money so quickly. ALL OF IT. He has never been able to keep a job in his entire life and looked forward to state pension as though it was a lottery. So I get where this woman is coming from.
I have a friend who when her mom died, her dad spent all of the money her and her siblings were meant to have. He left nothing for them. It was a lot of money and he ran through it quickly 😓
I am thinking that he is either physically or emotionally abusive or both and that is why she doesn't want to tell him because he will force her to give him the money.
My Dad and Mother had the same situation. My Mother inherited $250K and my Dad took it and spent it on things he wanted (cars, Condo's, etc.) My Dad is very controlling and self-centered and used verbal abuse to get his way. My Mother said she would have divorced him years ago, but she was worried what would happen to us kids. She kept this abuse hidden from us kids until about a year ago. My sister inherited the same personality defect from my Dad. My Mother lived a horrible life with this man. She deserved better.
@@Austenfan177 No she never did leave him. I guess she got numb to the abuse. She got sick, and I took early retirement to take care of her. This is when she finally told me about him. She passed away a year ago. My Dad is living with me now and is broke. I noticed small clues as I was growing up that something just wasn't right. Because of this I was very responsible with money all my life and have plenty.
This is exactly what I was thinking. The dad will get the money and spend it. I feel like he will not leave anything for the kids but she wants to leave it for them. Seem like she can't spend it herself because the money is kept a secret
I have empathy for this woman because my marriage was similar to hers. My ex wife was a very manipulative and tried to control my life. I was miserable and felt worthless. I’ve been divorced for ten years and I’m finally at peace.
Not telling him about it and he finds out, yikes......probably worse reaction than defying him upfront but hard to tell from the the little we know. It's also not easy or simple to hide something like this. Legal bills to be paid, if you invest the principle, there's taxes and accounting every year, etc.
@brianprobert3090 While I agree, it needs to be done quietly and quickly before he figures something is not right. And exactly why women should have an account in their name only with beneficiaries to be a family member or children on her side. Yes, it sounds dreadful, and a marriage based on decieipt will fall apart quickly, but if the guy is a monster, one must set up an escape plan quickly. Throughout my lifetime, I have seen this situation several times. One was a close friend.
Telling an abuser info like this - I have money & you can’t have it - is a nightmare in the making. He will make her life hell every day in the scariest of ways until she hands over the money. She needs to put it in a trust like Dave said & tell no one. A trust *he cannot touch* ever.
I agree. She's in an abusive relationship and should not tell her husband. If she was in a healthy marriage, she would be fine with telling her husband..
Yes. That was my immediate thought You do not under any circumstances tell a controlling person who treats you like a kid that you got a massive sum of money, especially from someone he doesn’t like
Also, it could absolutely hurt to tell a controlling person they should go to marriage counseling with you. Many people don’t take that statement as anything other than “you are the problem and need to fix this” even if it’s true. Quick way to put someone on alert that their relationship is at risk & make them suspicious. I hope things got better
They got married in the 60’s and she probably didn’t understand how to stand up to him until she was married for 20-25 years, at that point it was too ingrained in their marriage. She didn’t want to blow up her family so she just lived with it all these years. Now she’s just in survival mode
Might as well divorce. I see no downside. Statistically he wouldn’t help her as she weakens with age anyway; rather she’d be burdened with caregiver duties for a hateful man. Her mom needs help. Maybe she and her mother can live together.
I learned a lot about the “address the problem now” principle back when I managed a Pizza Hut, people don’t ever magically get better if their faults or problems are never addressed. Mind blowing really.
Dave and Christy are not in an abusive marriage so I don’t think they have any understanding of what it’s like to live with someone that abuses you mentally and or physically so they can’t relate to what this woman is saying. That might be OK advice for someone in a normal marriage situation but I get the feeling that poor lady is not.
If you come from a family where absolutely nobody has ever divorced, the pressure to stay married to someone who refuses to change, go to counseling etc is overwhelming. It took me nearly 20 years to leave a marriage like this, my mother’s first words were what did I do wrong.
Consult an attorney and do not tell your husband if you do not wish to. You know what life would be like if your husband knew about this money. Life with an abusive person or a narcissist goes outside the Ramsey system IMO.
@@newtonraymond77 there is no way that type of man would allow HIS wife to divorce him. She ’belongs’ to him. It would hurt his ego too much. She would be dead before they ever got to divorce court. Dave must have lived in a very sanitized home. His advice has gone from common sense to not opening his eyes and see what is happening. . DV is prevalent, just well hidden under shame. I'd also rather a divorce than living like that but your mind becomes more and more agreeable to the things your being called as the years pass along. Invisible shackles.
I didn't hear 'defeated', I hear that she wants to look after 'things' for others, and keep him out of it. That sounds kind of determined actually. Good for her!
Yea, at first when Dave jumped back with the don't hide things in your relationship, I thought... that's the sound a heartbreak makes... felt it through the phone. Caller, if you're there, know you are worthy of love even if your husband is too bad to know it.
I had a coworker that won a small amount of money on a scratch off. She decided to hide the money from her controlling husband so she could send her daughter to college. When he found out....he went ballistic. She ended up having to move out into a hotel and eventually filed for divorce
One of my friends married 42 years she received ALOT of $ from her parents passing. She would not keep any from him and he spent it all ! She is unhappy, bought him a new home because he wanted to move but they are not in accord at all. No respect
Commitment not convenience. Marriage isn’t about your personal happiness. It’s not inconvenient to get a divorce. Divorce is not a good thing and too many people do it. I will never understand people who criticize others for staying committed to their supposedly lifelong commitment.
@@everydaybodybuilding2282 I don't know what call you listened to, but she doesn't sound committed. She sounds stuck. Maybe watch this again. I am not pro-divorce, for the record, but if your *ONLY* reason for staying married to someone is because you are against divorce, then neither you or your spouse are truly honoring what it means to be married.
It's better than her lying about it and then him finding out ... That's one of the most common ways a dysfunctional marriage escalates to a violent marriage
I understand this woman. When it comes to money it’s hard to trust someone especially if you die. She wants to make sure the money goes to the children.
Agreed. I left a controlling abusive relationship of 28 years. Found he had been hiding over $60K of debt all the while. Now I know why we never had any money. This guy managed big buck non-profit donations for 30 years and we were constantly on the brink of bankruptcy! I am thankfully out and rebuilding my life. This call broke my heart but I am glad there are things she can do to protect her inheritance.
@geanieollman2320 Then he has no business being in a marriage, lol. The hell is going on out there. Ppl rly getting smacked up and stolen from for what ?
she wants to keep this a secret so she prove she not a good women, why should the kids get the money maybe her husband that been working all his life, what if she has not work in 40 year and he pays all the bills,
You have got to be kidding, right? She's been working all her life as well...in the home, raising children. This is the most outrageous, chauvinistic statement and I have to wonder about your age. Sounds like you're stuck in the 50's.
@@stevemyopinion423 Too many "what ifs". You don't know their situation. So it doesn't make sense to use speculation to conclude that she's not a good woman
Go talk to an attorney about this. Dave - this sounds like an abusive marriage. Abusive people will “force” that access. Ma’am, don’t tell that man. You’re borrowing additional trouble.
Yes abuse is a total different reason to hide her assets from him. She sounds scared so she should absolutely keep this from him. It's easier said than done. DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR MONEY.
@@saulgoodman2018 She didn't give the whole story either. It may not be abusive, it may be that she is the controller. However, there is no way to tell with such a small part of the story we were given.
@Sheryl777 By law, an inheritance is solely the property of the person mentioned in the will. It is not community property. That is why she needs to update her own will.
After 50 yrs of marriage she knows this man, what poor lady. This is what people really have to deal with. Hopefully she can found support to help her.
My Step sister married a guy that was such a loser that when we gave their kids $15 cash for their birthday's (one week a part) she told them to hide it or the dad would take it. People don't understand what a bully is sometimes and she's gone along to get a long and she now she can't leave for whatever reason.
My cousin married a loser that stole the memorial box at their sons funeral. Their son died in a car accident at 16. He ex took the money while everybody else was at the cemetery. Then he took his new family to Disney. He is the biggest loser I ever knew........and 95 percent of the donations were from her side of the family.
I had a coat tail rider they are easy to spot. First your helping them with a problem they have then they have a problem with you, then you are the reason and cause of all thier problems. Better to walk away
Oh, I am so sorry for her! 50 years with a person, and you don’t trust them? My marriage is the greatest blessing in my life! He gave me my babies and is my best friend. Nearly 35 years!
She's one half of the equation. It's easy to be like she's been stuck because of this guy off a 5 minute call but she had 50. Years. To rectify any issues, get divorced.. assert herself. I definitely am not putting all the blame on the guy or her.
@@colonless7512 You obviously do not understand older generations and how they were brought up to stay in loveless or bad marriages no matter what till death do us part.
I wouldn’t tell him about the money, the way she describes him he will “hound” her, until he has it , he will make her life miserable, to not mention abusive
Some times some spouses put a lot of pressure on the other to get what they want. I would never have a joint account with my spouse. He would have taken all my money. I would not tell him if I would come into a lot of money. The kind of pressure that would bring in. He wouldn’t stop until he got the last dime. He felt entitled to it. I understand this lady
I've been so guilty of sleeping things under the rug because I thought I was being the better person but you are right... it built up so much resentment and blew up in my face. I am still learning. Thank you for your talk!
I can so relate to this lady. I think these types of relationships are more than most people know. This lady has probably worked very hard just to keep a roof over their heads and raise her family. To be honest, especially as a Christian who was raised completely against divorce, people do what they must to be grateful for what they have and survive. Trust me, marriage counseling doesn’t help because typically the other person just wants someone to take care of them while they remain being a child, and they are never the problem. I appreciate that you are trying to help encourage her, but understand that not all people are married to good emotionally balanced people.
That money is her ticket out. She needs to divorce him when she gets her money. Given that it comes from an inheritance, it is not considered joint property under divorce laws
That generation of women came from a very different time in regards to relationships, especially if they didn't work and relied solely on the man. They are still out there. Women did not have the power then like they do today. So many reasons why.
What she said about "by degrees'" really resonates with me. I was once in a relationship where I wasn't "allowed" to do many things because he wouldn't "let me". Thank God that seems like a lifetime ago.
Yup. And how it one day gets to where you say something that seems normal to you (like “he won’t let me”), and then wonder why everyone around you is horrified. It’s really sad that we allow ourselves to get into these situations, often out of a misguided loyalty or sense of commitment.
She’s from the generation where “how it looks” is what matters. It’s not her fault that she is used to putting on a brave face and not letting anyone know what goes on behind closed doors.
I know someone in the same situation. Her husband was a big gambler, trips to Vegas, and bookies. He had his own business, which eventually failed when they were 62 years old. He told her, "we are broke." She told him no we are not. She saved over $450K in muni bond funds that he never knew about. Had he known, he would have spent it. They retired, moved to Florida, and retired on social security and income from the muni bonds.
@@SchroederSport No, she saved money from her own separate job. The business failed because all his manufacturing business went to Asia and the fact that he was a terrible money manager.
I'm 70, so like this lady, I grew up in the 50s and 60s. I often heard it said 'no wife of mine goes out to work' and that was an accepted point of view! A school friend of mine left her 50 year marriage with the clothes she stood in. We can't judge the decisions made then by modern norms. Nobody thought then that wives had much to hope for other than having a husband. Very sad, I hope she finds the strength to break away with her money and have a life.
If she tells him about the money and that she made it impossible for him to access it, he might beat her to death. That's way worse than simply hiding it when you're in a situation like hers. Hiding it might be her only option to stay physically safe. It's sad and disgusting, but unfortunately very real.
Give me a freakin break. Slow your roll. You heard one side of souring marriage story and you’ve gone from zero to “beating her to death” based on some vague comments. For all you know she’s just using this as a way to justify her greed or maybe resentment towards him for some kind of marital issues. People are so quick to get out the pitchforks.
Everyday Bodybuilding , I hear that you don’t like the extremes, and we only hear one side so she may be batty and accusing hubby of something he never does. However, if you look at how marriages were formed, negotiated, in 1960!, it’s is different than today and women had their roles which usually did not include finance management or much decision making at all. I know you wouldn’t want her abused in any way just because she has funds of her own. She wants her inheritance which is legally different than household wages or retirement. An estate attorney would be able to help her.
@@Patsrthebest all people, men included are imperfect. Husbands will not always make the best decisions for their family. It is best for women to be smart enough in their own right to care for themselves and their kids too.
@@cristinariveratorres6077parents are also sometimes imperfect. Not an excuse for kids to only listen to their parents when they want to. Adam was not deceived but the woman was deceived. Thats why husbands are to rule over their wives.
@@Nessal83 Well than she should divorce him then! I agree with Dave, if you are married to someone then you shouldn't lie and hide things otherwise leave them or divorce them. Don't use them only when it's convenient for you.
There are cases where not telling a spouse is actually in both peoples best interests. I think she knows her husband well enough to know she shouldn't tell him. Relationships and problems can be very complex including mental health issues. Some people are committed to their spouse no matter what but they may not ever be able to have the relationship they want to have.
Nothing is beyond repair, but you both have to be willing to do the work to get there. Clearly they haven't been doing the work. They don't have a relationship at all if they don't have trust.
@@reneedwards1082 If it's HER money, she can do whatever she wants to do with it, with no fear of anyone else (including her abusive husband) getting their hands on it.
@@michaelvan6675 Because the pastor will give biased advice. He's gonna say that 10% needs to go to the church, that she needs to share the money with a husband she's clearly terrified of, and a slew of other insane advice. Some things can't be fixed. She's 100% right in wanting to hide this money from her hubby. I wouldn't tell him either if he was my spouse and treated me to the point of fear. Sounds like she should have left eons ago. It is NEVER NEVER NEVER okay to stay in an abusive relationship, but unfortunately, pastors are a tad 'gotta make the marriage work!' types.
Church and money are a terrible combo! Reminds me of Maria Holmes, the $188 million Lottery winner that became infamous for getting sued by her pastor who says Maria promised his church $1.5 million.
Two sides to every story. I think I'll give my wife of 40 years an extra long hug and kiss this afternoon. Even in our worst of times, we have never been where this couple is.
Yeah. I often wonder what the other side is in these calls. The person calling always sounds right. But there was another caller where the wife emailed later and it turned the whole scenario around.
Deposit the funds in a brokerage account (Schwab, TD Ameritrade, etc) in your name only. List you kids as a beneficiary. You don’t need to spend $3000-$5000 to set this up.
My parents stayed together for financial reasons. They were miserable ever since I could remember though. This is why I'm not in a hurry to get married, if ever. It's wonderful when it's healthy, supportive, and based on love, but I've personally rarely seen it happen like that.
Stand up for yourself sister. Cash the check and put all the money in a safe deposit box he doesn’t know about. Don’t tell him. You know your husband. This guy doesn’t.
Open an E*Trade account in her name with her children as beneficiaries. Invest in S&P 500 index fund or growth stock mutual funds. He has NO say on this $. If he gets violent, then that is another issue.
I get Dave’s statement about not hiding things, but telling a woman who is actively telling you her husband is disrespectful & wouldn’t let her do something, that she should restrict his access to the money but still tell him the money exists…. Seems like a recipe that could get get her hurt.
She sounds scared just asking Dave about it. First I thought he might be a gambler but as she said more ("he won't let me") I just felt afraid for her.
This was a cry for help from her to survive this, and you just projected your own life and values onto her life. You think it’s so simple, and can’t you hear her voice, that she has lived five decades with this dangerous man. Dave you were very wrong in judging her.
It wasn't a judgement. It was wisdom. What does it profit to gain but lose the soul? I praise God for His wisdom in keeping me intact spiritually, emotionally, psychologically while in a pressure cooker of abuse and control. He did this through honesty and being genuine and seeking constructive, empowering actions. If I had listened to others who wanted me to cash out and run or deceive during the lengthy drawn out horrible process I would have eroded my soul and thus my quality of life and walk with Christ. Instead I am strengthened and ever closer to my Lord and have amazing experiences of goodness, power and glory and new friendships through the incredible pain, fear and hardship. He gave her sound, specific advice that she could absorbed at this time that could get her to reach out and start the ball rolling! Truth be told...
@@SB-qv3yo That's wonderful for you, but you do realize that women die everyday in situations like this, right? If the man doesn't kill them, he physically abuses and tortures them on a regular basis. I'm sorry, but God did not create anybody to be abused. I also don't think that God intends for anybody to put up with physical and mental abuse for years on end. Also, just because a person leaves the relationship doesn't mean that they're seeking divorce. They could separate from the person until he or she gets help with their issues and stop taking things out on them. SMH.
Geez 50 years and you can't trust your spouse... I can't imagine being in such a marriage. I love and am very open with my husband and he is the same with me. We both agree that in our case I'm best at managing our finances, but he is still first beneficiary if I die and I trust he would do his best if I die to take care of our child.
@@vankyer758 10 years with my husband and our feelings have only grown, not died down like apparently this couple. We're very honest with each other though.
@@leonilamontgomery9464 I'm wondering if 50 years ago the marriage they had was already toxic and full of secrets and distrust. They should have split a long time ago if that was the case.
Agreed. That would be so sad. Imagine spending 50 years in a relationship where you are afraid and controlled like that. My husband is my best friend, and makes my life and our kids lives so much better.
They should have dug deeper to see whether she is married to an abusive spouse before advising things to do things that could be beneficial to a normal marriage, but detrimental to an abusive one.
She should run to the estate planning attorney. I'm over 70 and twenty years ago, I got a settlement from injuries from a car accident. My husband told the attorney to have the check made out to both of us. I asked the attorney who his client was and he said I was. I instructed him to ONLY put my name on the check. Believe me, I would have NO control over the money. I didn't wise up for a long time but I finally realized my best interest was not my husband's concern. This woman knows exactly what would happen without protecting her interests. Absolutely, do not comingle the funds.
Yes pray because There is no formula. Only God can send you a spouse where He can give you peace and joy throughout. There is no amount of time to know them before marriage that will help. How do you know how the spouse will act with children or when you start aging.
I'd tell her to be brave. Leave him, get a little place of her own. Do what is in her heart. Look after her Mom and her kids. Enjoy the rest of her life in peace.
Absolutely! I do not understand how people choose to spend most of their lives in misery. She is now blessed with a way out and should not spend one more minute being controlled and manipulated.
@anniethomas451 I agree if there's a solution, take it. no one says it's going to be easy. But you got an out take it. I feel like ppl trapped don't understand that in the end its waaay harder to stay miserable for life.
They cut her off, you could tell by her voice that she was afraid and thought (or knew) it would just be worse if he knew of the money and he couldn't have it. Dave and company haven't a clue how to talk with some of these callers. This was three years ago, hopefully she survived her husband if she did tell him but deny him the money.
Toxic abusive people don’t listen to reason. It’s sad what she’s going through but she has learned not to share too much with him for a reason. She probably had a very good reason for not wanting him to even know about this. It’s not ideal by a long shot, but expecting decency and logic from a toxic person can be dangerous
Or she didn’t have a good reason. You make a lot of assumptions and give her the benefit of the doubt. You only heard one side of the story. She’s being weirdly vague too. Could totally be spinning this up to paint her husband as a tyrant in order to justify her greed and a failing marriage.
@@everydaybodybuilding2282 I think I was just going on what was said. Sure she could be not telling the truth. But aren’t you doing the same thing you said I did just in reverse?
@@lamontyoung3709 No I said "could" I'm not passing judgement on these people like you. You are speaking in absolutely as if you know the situation. I am simply pointing out that there are other possibilities and that we don't really know where the truth lies in this situation. There are two sides to every story.
If I had this kind of inheritance or any kind of inheritance while my married my ex husband would have been all over it would have been much the same way. He wouldn't have let me spend it or save it as I saw fit. He was controlling in a very subtle way so well that I couldn't even tell he was doing that. It has made me very wary and hard to trust others.
My husband REFUSED to have a joint account when we married because of how his ex had cheated him. My two sisters and I recently inherited over a million when our parents passed. I put most of mine in a high interest cd for now, in my name, at my credit union and with my sons being the beneficiaries.
My mother is 72 just diagnosed Alzheimer's married to my dad 52 years. She is not allowed to even buy a recliner. My mom won't ever leave, ever. And my dad would NEVER go to counseling are you kidding? This caller needs real help with how to keep the money away. She won't ever go to the estate planner without her husband knowing. Bad advice for her.
@@bonnevillebagger9147 the inheritance from his parents or money made before he got married? Sure. The money made by working/capital gains during a marriage? No, that is household money and it is to be shared equally between spouses.
@@bonnevillebagger9147 the law is the difference. In most states one does not have to share the money made before marriage and from an inheritance with their spouse. Also, putting money in a trust is not the same thing as hiding them, stop twisting the words.
Mom lived at a time when women didn’t have equality in their marriage. They were under their husbands and society reinforced that message. If you had a good husband life was good, but if you had a bad husband life could be very hard. Todays women have been encouraged to demand better treatment in their relationships. There are still bad relationships but the mainstream message is not to stay in a dangerous situation. I believe it was her was of saying if it gets bad, LEAVE!
Yes great advice. I think this way and will teach all my kids this way, boy or girl. It is important for a person to have financial security. You can trust your partner 100% but there will always be things that can come up that is out of your control. Growing up in a poor family, only my dad worked and my mother did not have any money of her own. She chose to stay at home and if there were times of struggles, all she would do is stress over it and project all those negative feelings onto us. She saved her own little 'stash' where she could and used it to buy things to treat herself etc but she is clearly unhappy financially and it will never be enough despite it being her choice. Seeing that, i value the importance or working and having savings kept aside for emergencies never to be touched. When i do get married, that money i've saved will be set aside for no one to use but me. My husband doesn't need to know about it but i have no problems telling him and letting him know i do have a emergency fund. If we are financially struggling i am more than happy to use it to get us by, but it is not open on the table to people to decide to maybe use it on a holiday or new car etc. That is the importance i see in 'hidden money'.
Here this poor woman has been living in misery for probably 50 years. And what does she think about doing with the money? Using it to serve her parents and her children. She really should use it to help herself get established in her life apart from him.
Christy Wright just validated my relationship philosophy!! Don't sweep it under the rug!!Discuss it respectively as things come up so there is NOTHING to hold on to or bottle up! Yes!! 🙌
Always clear out under the rug... For 16 years I swept all the small stuff under there...then for days my body wouldn't stop crying, I couldnt hide it... I didn't think I was upset but it built up...then I wrote my partner a letter explaining the things that I needed and that upset me,etc. He apologised and has kept it, he reads it regularly to keep him from getting complacent... I'm so glad I wrote that letter...❤
She's been married since before women were legally allowed to open bank accounts by themselves. I can't blame or judge her for hiding money. For all we know the husband is a gambling addict or has creditors after him.
In 1972 in eastern Ontario, Canada I tried to write a check for groceries. The store would not take it without my husband’s signature. I was the breadwinner at the time.
My Aunt opened a checking account when she became eligible for social security. Her husband went up to the bank and had them close her account and move her social security checks into his account. He was the kind of guy that handled all the finances and when she needed money he would tell her to gather some of their chicken eggs and go sale them to the country store in town.
@@lindamayberry6904 I'm not exactly sure HOW the husband was able to close someone else's checking account and do all that you said he did, but I would think that would be illegal for him to have done, and also illegal for the bank to have done if that did happen
In these abuse control relationships, be cautious to not talk to any counselor who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse cycle. Domestic abuse is common even when physical violence isn’t apparent there is psychological control that embeds over the years and destroys a persons sense of themselves. It’s tragic and it’s common and it’s real. Glad you guys heard this and addressed it.
@lilac sky if he’s disrespectful to the point that she feels the need to hide money from him, there’s probably some spouse abuse going on behind the scenes. And frankly if her religion mandates that abuse victims have to remain married to their abusers, then she needs to find a new religion anyway in my opinion.
Props to Christy for realizing this was probably an abusive (at least emotional or worse) situation and trying to let the caller know to get support. I do think Dave has good intentions but doesn't realize how common abusive relationships are... sometimes from the beginning.
You don’t know until you yourself experience it or someone very very close to you. There were so many things I didn’t understand until I helped my sister out of one. I was completely oblivious to what was going on for YEARS. It wasn’t until he lost control over her & started “losing it” period that I realized how intense and severe the situation was. She minimized it; I didn’t see it. I will never judge a person for fearing their partner because I know for fact I do not know their partner like they do.
The hosts wanted desperately to help her but they know the remedy is gone. You can't turn back time. This isn't a 20 or 30 year old whom you can tell to divorce, move on, etc. It's an elderly woman who threw away 50 years. Her entire life. Good luck to her. This story hits hard. Very tragic.
In most states, a survivng spouse may be able to make a claim on the estate even if the will clearly states otherwise. This is called "dissent from the will" or the surviving spouse's elective share. Get good legal advice from a specialist attorney in estate planning and probate.
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Common sense is powerful. Common sense always wins. (Or at least it should).
Dave I have a question I’m saving for a house I’m hoping to buy next year but I’m also going to get my drivers license this summer should I pay cash for a car and just put 10% down on a house and will it affect me getting a mortgage if I pay cash for a car and I don’t have a car payment it won’t affect my debt debt to income ratio correct?
I mean she doesn’t have long on this world it seems, best advice is to leave the money with one of her sons and hope for the best
Sis needs to get out. I think Jean dodged the age question because she’s scared her husband will find out. I’m not sure a pastor would be the best person to help since knowing the husband could compromise his objectivity.
I don’t know.. this is sad but in her case I wouldn’t recommend telling him. It sounds to me like he is VERY abusive and manipulative and she’s been in it too long. This is the first time I disagree w them in this one just because her situation here puts her at risk and this small amount of money to care for her mother and her kids. I worry telling him would put the inheritance at risk, or even worse, her life. This is too deep and has been too deep for too long.
She's over 70 and her mom is still alive, wow what a blessing
Was thinking the exact same thing
her mom is probably 95+ years old.
Not if you had my mother...UGH!!! The single most narcissistic person I’ve ever known.
@@ginap5003 we must be siblings
@@ldav2006 that’s amazing ! ♥️
this is why i’m never impressed when people say how long they’ve been married. number of years doesn’t equate to love.
My grandparents were married over 40 years and hated each other. Separate bedrooms for decades. This generation was told divorce was a sin or would ruin your life.
@@alladreamwedreamed same with my grandparents. Married for 56 years but hated each other’s guts. The only reason they stayed together was to keep all the family assets together, and because like you said, divorce was very frowned upon.
My parents have been married for 36 years, but most of their marriage has also been pure misery. Thankfully they’re doing better now, but our childhood was definitely affected by all the fighting, tension, and constant threats of divorce. My parents were also not shy about repeatedly declaring that my sister and I were the only reason they were still together...which, for the record, does NOT comfort a child whatsoever. It instead makes them feel like all the misery is their fault.
Needless to say, I have no interest in getting married.
My wife and I have been married for decades. Marriage is what you make of it. If our marriage got as bad as the caller’s is we would divorce.
Yep, it really is the quality of the relationship and not just the duration. You can just put up with each other or really embrace their companionship.
@@johnallen3497 Read - The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi
I'm the child of a marriage like this and let me tell you, the spouses aren't the only ones who are left damaged.
Truth
Hear hear
Yup, truth
That is why the wives work so.hard to.keep the family togethwr. I am sorry! 💔
@@jjjackson5183 Well sometimes it's the wives. Sometimes it's the husband trying to work hard to save the relationship.
My parents are married for 40 years. When my mom retired my dad spent that money so quickly. ALL OF IT. He has never been able to keep a job in his entire life and looked forward to state pension as though it was a lottery. So I get where this woman is coming from.
This is sad. He spent the monthly allotment in full?
I have a friend who when her mom died, her dad spent all of the money her and her siblings were meant to have. He left nothing for them. It was a lot of money and he ran through it quickly 😓
State pension? are you is America
@@John-209yes. There are federal and state jobs.
That's why you should never stay together with a mooching partner.
If she does not trust him it is because she knows him. Should not tell him because he will keep hounding her for the money.
I am thinking that he is either physically or emotionally abusive or both and that is why she doesn't want to tell him because he will force her to give him the money.
@@smile4cla Or he is a gambler, will go out and buy a new car, spend money on his girlfriend if he has one or two, etc.
Agreed. He could be a narcissist
This is the most reasonable response I've seen.
Through the years I have learned that there are three sides to every story - her side, his side and the truth.
At this point, the lady is waiting for her husband to drop dead.
🎯
Yikes.
This is the sad truth about many decades long marriages.
Better to have a plan B....because he’s not dropping dead any time soon.
Sad to said...
My Dad and Mother had the same situation. My Mother inherited $250K and my Dad took it and spent it on things he wanted (cars, Condo's, etc.) My Dad is very controlling and self-centered and used verbal abuse to get his way. My Mother said she would have divorced him years ago, but she was worried what would happen to us kids. She kept this abuse hidden from us kids until about a year ago. My sister inherited the same personality defect from my Dad. My Mother lived a horrible life with this man. She deserved better.
@@Austenfan177 No she never did leave him. I guess she got numb to the abuse. She got sick, and I took early retirement to take care of her. This is when she finally told me about him. She passed away a year ago. My Dad is living with me now and is broke. I noticed small clues as I was growing up that something just wasn't right. Because of this I was very responsible with money all my life and have plenty.
My dad did the same thing with my mom.
This is exactly what I was thinking. The dad will get the money and spend it. I feel like he will not leave anything for the kids but she wants to leave it for them. Seem like she can't spend it herself because the money is kept a secret
you are literally my mother and your sister my aunt.
Bingo
I have empathy for this woman because my marriage was similar to hers. My ex wife was a very manipulative and tried to control my life. I was miserable and felt worthless. I’ve been divorced for ten years and I’m finally at peace.
I agree and glad you found peace. It’s more common then others think.
@@jmc8076 thanks
it is good to read that you are in a better place🙌🏾
@@ayanomar1408 thanks.
So awful !!
I’ve read stories of women standing up for themselves against their partner. Sometimes those women die. Hide the money
I agree.
Not telling him about it and he finds out, yikes......probably worse reaction than defying him upfront but hard to tell from the the little we know. It's also not easy or simple to hide something like this. Legal bills to be paid, if you invest the principle, there's taxes and accounting every year, etc.
@brianprobert3090 While I agree, it needs to be done quietly and quickly before he figures something is not right. And exactly why women should have an account in their name only with beneficiaries to be a family member or children on her side.
Yes, it sounds dreadful, and a marriage based on decieipt will fall apart quickly, but if the guy is a monster, one must set up an escape plan quickly. Throughout my lifetime, I have seen this situation several times. One was a close friend.
Telling an abuser info like this - I have money & you can’t have it - is a nightmare in the making. He will make her life hell every day in the scariest of ways until she hands over the money.
She needs to put it in a trust like Dave said & tell no one. A trust *he cannot touch* ever.
But then they use that as leverage to manipulate. it's incredibly tricky and constantly balancing that persons and your own emotional wellbeing.
Ditto! Happened to me!
I agree. She's in an abusive relationship and should not tell her husband. If she was in a healthy marriage, she would be fine with telling her husband..
Yes.
That was my immediate thought
You do not under any circumstances tell a controlling person who treats you like a kid that you got a massive sum of money, especially from someone he doesn’t like
Also, it could absolutely hurt to tell a controlling person they should go to marriage counseling with you.
Many people don’t take that statement as anything other than “you are the problem and need to fix this” even if it’s true.
Quick way to put someone on alert that their relationship is at risk & make them suspicious. I hope things got better
They got married in the 60’s and she probably didn’t understand how to stand up to him until she was married for 20-25 years, at that point it was too ingrained in their marriage. She didn’t want to blow up her family so she just lived with it all these years. Now she’s just in survival mode
Might as well divorce. I see no downside. Statistically he wouldn’t help her as she weakens with age anyway; rather she’d be burdened with caregiver duties for a hateful man. Her mom needs help. Maybe she and her mother can live together.
You mean cash & prizes mode.
@@I_like_turtles_67 Investment payoff mode.
@@genxx2724 grow up grandma we both know she’s but living off him and when the head of household weakens the jackals come out in everyone.
She may be a stay at home mom and never made any money.
I learned a lot about the “address the problem now” principle back when I managed a Pizza Hut, people don’t ever magically get better if their faults or problems are never addressed. Mind blowing really.
Fact
That’s more true than ever!
Dave and Christy are not in an abusive marriage so I don’t think they have any understanding of what it’s like to live with someone that abuses you mentally and or physically so they can’t relate to what this woman is saying. That might be OK advice for someone in a normal marriage situation but I get the feeling that poor lady is not.
Absolutely correct!! The Ramsey's don't have a clue.
All conclusions based on Speculation. May be may be not. It's scary to hear this.
Agreed 👍
Yeah, I get what he’s saying about not supporting lying, but if you know that telling the truth will put you in danger, it’s 1000% better to lie.
Precarious and disrespectful aren’t abusive.
If you come from a family where absolutely nobody has ever divorced, the pressure to stay married to someone who refuses to change, go to counseling etc is overwhelming. It took me nearly 20 years to leave a marriage like this, my mother’s first words were what did I do wrong.
Consult an attorney and do not tell your husband if you do not wish to. You know what life would be like if your husband knew about this money. Life with an abusive person or a narcissist goes outside the Ramsey system IMO.
Different generation. People stuck it out even when they were miserable
When you fear the imaginary guy in the sky.
Exactly. Marital vows are not taken seriously anymore.
@@Simonofcalifornia God is not mocked... and plenty of people who do not fear God stay in miserable marriages because they feel stuck.
@@spiritualisrael007 lol, god fearing society.
@@Simonofcalifornia more like survival
I'd prefer a divorce as opposed to living so many years in this type of relationship. Just imagine what else they're hiding from each other
@@matthewkoch6937 I'll take messy over getting killed out of longterm resentment and contempt
He would get 50 per cent of her inheritance in a divorce, at least if there is some gender equality.
I doubt he'd let her off with a divorce.
@@lhv569 sounds like he's abusive. that's not right. she should flee in that case. sounds like she'd have no other option.
@@newtonraymond77 there is no way that type of man would allow HIS wife to divorce him. She ’belongs’ to him. It would hurt his ego too much. She would be dead before they ever got to divorce court. Dave must have lived in a very sanitized home. His advice has gone from common sense to not opening his eyes and see what is happening. . DV is prevalent, just well hidden under shame. I'd also rather a divorce than living like that but your mind becomes more and more agreeable to the things your being called as the years pass along. Invisible shackles.
She sounds so defeated.
Not to mention nasty
I didn't hear 'defeated', I hear that she wants to look after 'things' for others, and keep him out of it. That sounds kind of determined actually. Good for her!
@@544shadow How is SHE nasty??
@@gayled3059 what would you say IF HE WAS WITH holding money from her? Honesty please.
Yea, at first when Dave jumped back with the don't hide things in your relationship, I thought... that's the sound a heartbreak makes... felt it through the phone. Caller, if you're there, know you are worthy of love even if your husband is too bad to know it.
I had a coworker that won a small amount of money on a scratch off. She decided to hide the money from her controlling husband so she could send her daughter to college. When he found out....he went ballistic. She ended up having to move out into a hotel and eventually filed for divorce
shows how much he cares about his daughter vs. how much he need to control people and money; backwards priorities!!
@@janicenunn8525 maybe he was offended that she lied, like what else does she lie about?
@@roses8493 and what else was he controlling? Marriage should be a partnership, not a dictatorship, but he was signaling he preferred the latter.
@@roses8493 Huh? Nah sis. Him being offended that she lied doesn't justify abusive behavior.
@@roses8493 it wasn't his
One of my friends married 42 years she received ALOT of $ from her parents passing. She would not keep any from him and he spent it all ! She is unhappy, bought him a new home because he wanted to move but they are not in accord at all. No respect
Dave dosent realize a lot of people stay married out of convenience not because of love.
This ain't his first rodeo I'm sure he realizes it
Yup that’s how my step dad and mom are right now, common law.
Commitment not convenience. Marriage isn’t about your personal happiness. It’s not inconvenient to get a divorce. Divorce is not a good thing and too many people do it. I will never understand people who criticize others for staying committed to their supposedly lifelong commitment.
@@everydaybodybuilding2282 I don't know what call you listened to, but she doesn't sound committed. She sounds stuck.
Maybe watch this again.
I am not pro-divorce, for the record, but if your *ONLY* reason for staying married to someone is because you are against divorce, then neither you or your spouse are truly honoring what it means to be married.
@@everydaybodybuilding2282 That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. If you’re not happy in a marriage, you shouldn’t stay in it.
She said "he wont let me." He sounds abusive she doesn't have to tell him anything but where the door is. If anything she needs to get away from him.
Exactly. It has some kind of abuse written all over it
exactly and Dave saying tell him is like sending her into the lions den
It's better than her lying about it and then him finding out ... That's one of the most common ways a dysfunctional marriage escalates to a violent marriage
Or you gotta hear from both sides before making any conclusions like that. Anyone can say anything to get their support, especially women
@@kisong1960 Good thing you don't seem to think that men ever have problems telling the truth right? lol
I understand this woman. When it comes to money it’s hard to trust someone especially if you die. She wants to make sure the money goes to the children.
What a double standards
Shes probably never made any money, now that she gets her hands on some its all hers.
@@tomrogers8417 facts. Make it was the other way around
Rules for thee, not for me.
I think it's good to know how these women truly feel
Someone who hasn't had this kind of relationship, can't really understand what it could really be like.
Agreed. I left a controlling abusive relationship of 28 years. Found he had been hiding over $60K of debt all the while. Now I know why we never had any money. This guy managed big buck non-profit donations for 30 years and we were constantly on the brink of bankruptcy!
I am thankfully out and rebuilding my life. This call broke my heart but I am glad there are things she can do to protect her inheritance.
He told me I had no business opening his credit card bills. Then they stopped coming to the house.
@geanieollman2320 Then he has no business being in a marriage, lol. The hell is going on out there. Ppl rly getting smacked up and stolen from for what ?
That poor woman. I’m so sad for her. I was married to someone like him. It’s very difficult. My heart goes out to her.
Oh no. Why did you settle for less, sweetheart?
she wants to keep this a secret so she prove she not a good women, why should the kids get the money maybe her husband that been working all his life, what if she has not work in 40 year and he pays all the bills,
You have got to be kidding, right? She's been working all her life as well...in the home, raising children. This is the most outrageous, chauvinistic statement and I have to wonder about your age. Sounds like you're stuck in the 50's.
@@stevemyopinion423 Too many "what ifs". You don't know their situation. So it doesn't make sense to use speculation to conclude that she's not a good woman
a women that hide money form husband is nto a good women.
Go talk to an attorney about this. Dave - this sounds like an abusive marriage. Abusive people will “force” that access. Ma’am, don’t tell that man. You’re borrowing additional trouble.
100% agree. She sounds kind of scared...
Yes abuse is a total different reason to hide her assets from him. She sounds scared so she should absolutely keep this from him. It's easier said than done. DON'T TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR MONEY.
@@saulgoodman2018 She didn't give the whole story either. It may not be abusive, it may be that she is the controller. However, there is no way to tell with such a small part of the story we were given.
ABSOLUTELY!!!
@Sheryl777 By law, an inheritance is solely the property of the person mentioned in the will. It is not community property. That is why she needs to update her own will.
After 50 yrs of marriage she knows this man, what poor lady. This is what people really have to deal with. Hopefully she can found support to help her.
My Step sister married a guy that was such a loser that when we gave their kids $15 cash for their birthday's (one week a part) she told them to hide it or the dad would take it. People don't understand what a bully is sometimes and she's gone along to get a long and she now she can't leave for whatever reason.
God, so sad.
My cousin married a loser that stole the memorial box at their sons funeral. Their son died in a car accident at 16. He ex took the money while everybody else was at the cemetery. Then he took his new family to Disney. He is the biggest loser I ever knew........and 95 percent of the donations were from her side of the family.
I had a coat tail rider they are easy to spot. First your helping them with a problem they have then they have a problem with you, then you are the reason and cause of all thier problems. Better to walk away
Exactly
Oh, I am so sorry for her! 50 years with a person, and you don’t trust them? My marriage is the greatest blessing in my life! He gave me my babies and is my best friend. Nearly 35 years!
Never discount the power of a spouse who uses strong emotional pressure to control the other. So true that it's a boundary issue.
My heart hurts for this woman. This has to be one of the saddest calls I’ve listened to.
Nice comment .... Where are you from ?
True!!!!..😐
Pray for God's sufficient grace for her.
The void is scary
You can hear how bad she is doing when she said " over 50 years".
💯
2/2/21....ANYBODY TODAY CAN GET A DIVORCE.
I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THIS OLD WOMAN!
She's one half of the equation. It's easy to be like she's been stuck because of this guy off a 5 minute call but she had 50. Years. To rectify any issues, get divorced.. assert herself. I definitely am not putting all the blame on the guy or her.
@@colonless7512 You obviously do not understand older generations and how they were brought up to stay in loveless or bad marriages no matter what till death do us part.
@@eileeneclark9011 not everyone can do that financially at that age.
I wouldn’t tell him about the money, the way she describes him he will “hound” her, until he has it , he will make her life miserable, to not mention abusive
Some times some spouses put a lot of pressure on the other to get what they want. I would never have a joint account with my spouse. He would have taken all my money. I would not tell him if I would come into a lot of money. The kind of pressure that would bring in. He wouldn’t stop until he got the last dime. He felt entitled to it. I understand this lady
I've been so guilty of sleeping things under the rug because I thought I was being the better person but you are right... it built up so much resentment and blew up in my face. I am still learning. Thank you for your talk!
Why are you " sleeping" under the rug ? LOL
I can so relate to this lady. I think these types of relationships are more than most people know. This lady has probably worked very hard just to keep a roof over their heads and raise her family. To be honest, especially as a Christian who was raised completely against divorce, people do what they must to be grateful for what they have and survive. Trust me, marriage counseling doesn’t help because typically the other person just wants someone to take care of them while they remain being a child, and they are never the problem.
I appreciate that you are trying to help encourage her, but understand that not all people are married to good emotionally balanced people.
Christy is very intelligent. She always brings a good perspective and can articulate ideas well.
Someone is in looooovveeee
I like her a lot.
The lady gave them one sentence and they ran with it for 15 minutes lol.
You do realize that this is 100% staged. They know exactly what the full situation is and they are trying to protect her identity.
@@shawmeck9323 What do you mean staged? These calls are organic
@Dog Mutt general topics is not equal to being staged. I'm sorry you feel manipulated, maybe Dr. John Delony would be able to talk you through that!
Lol!
@Dog Mutt lame
I just want to give this lady a hug.
That money is her ticket out. She needs to divorce him when she gets her money. Given that it comes from an inheritance, it is not considered joint property under divorce laws
That generation of women came from a very different time in regards to relationships, especially if they didn't work and relied solely on the man. They are still out there. Women did not have the power then like they do today. So many reasons why.
Well said
@@clair233 agreed. My mom and dad have been married for 48 years and if my mom didn't save her own stash, we would have starved!!!
The free love no fault divorce hedonistic generation?
Wrong
@@abark Both extremes are damaging.
What she said about "by degrees'" really resonates with me. I was once in a relationship where I wasn't "allowed" to do many things because he wouldn't "let me". Thank God that seems like a lifetime ago.
Yup. And how it one day gets to where you say something that seems normal to you (like “he won’t let me”), and then wonder why everyone around you is horrified. It’s really sad that we allow ourselves to get into these situations, often out of a misguided loyalty or sense of commitment.
I’m so sorry for this lady. I’ve been there and continue to endure it daily. God bless you!
The caller already knows the life she lives. She deserves understanding.
She’s from the generation where “how it looks” is what matters. It’s not her fault that she is used to putting on a brave face and not letting anyone know what goes on behind closed doors.
Intelligent comment.
Yep. And "love is overrated" and "marriage is hard work". That stuff. It sucks.
Not how it looks as much as honoring your commitment over your feelings.
It is her fault though, she's responsible for her own actions not the times she lived in. What nonsense are you speaking
Every body is judging and has something to say, her circumstance is a lot more common than people think
💯% Facts, Sad but so true. Especially for women in her generation.
Absolutely. 100%
No, we know this, but where is the solution.
I know someone in the same situation. Her husband was a big gambler, trips to Vegas, and bookies. He had his own business, which eventually failed when they were 62 years old. He told her, "we are broke." She told him no we are not. She saved over $450K in muni bond funds that he never knew about. Had he known, he would have spent it. They retired, moved to Florida, and retired on social security and income from the muni bonds.
Having a spouse siphoning income probably contributed to that business failing.
@@SchroederSport No, she saved money from her own separate job. The business failed because all his manufacturing business went to Asia and the fact that he was a terrible money manager.
@@kurts6741 Gee, I sure hope that he doesn't continue to gamble or they're going to be broke again.
He died in 2019.
Wow - that’s crazy
I love Christy so much..she always uses the best analogies to get her point across
I'm 70, so like this lady, I grew up in the 50s and 60s. I often heard it said 'no wife of mine goes out to work' and that was an accepted point of view! A school friend of mine left her 50 year marriage with the clothes she stood in. We can't judge the decisions made then by modern norms. Nobody thought then that wives had much to hope for other than having a husband. Very sad, I hope she finds the strength to break away with her money and have a life.
In my state, inheritance is legally separate property anyway.
If you inherit something, it is yours to do with as you see fit.
If she tells him about the money and that she made it impossible for him to access it, he might beat her to death. That's way worse than simply hiding it when you're in a situation like hers. Hiding it might be her only option to stay physically safe. It's sad and disgusting, but unfortunately very real.
Yeah, they are underestimating how much chaos will ensue as a result of him knowing about the money.
Give me a freakin break. Slow your roll. You heard one side of souring marriage story and you’ve gone from zero to “beating her to death” based on some vague comments. For all you know she’s just using this as a way to justify her greed or maybe resentment towards him for some kind of marital issues. People are so quick to get out the pitchforks.
Everyday Bodybuilding , I hear that you don’t like the extremes, and we only hear one side so she may be batty and accusing hubby of something he never does. However, if you look at how marriages were formed, negotiated, in 1960!, it’s is different than today and women had their roles which usually did not include finance management or much decision making at all. I know you wouldn’t want her abused in any way just because she has funds of her own. She wants her inheritance which is legally different than household wages or retirement. An estate attorney would be able to help her.
Exactly right
Money doesn’t the person, it changes people around them. That caller should hide that money and act like nothing happened.
She's been living in an oppressive relationship her whole life. Probably hasnt had much agency in her own decisions for most of the marriage.
Says who
You can only be oppressed as much as you allow yourself to be oppressed -- at least in this country.
Women having "agency" is a very bad thing. Wives are to obey their husbands. Husbands know what's best for their wives and the family.
@@Patsrthebest all people, men included are imperfect. Husbands will not always make the best decisions for their family. It is best for women to be smart enough in their own right to care for themselves and their kids too.
@@cristinariveratorres6077parents are also sometimes imperfect. Not an excuse for kids to only listen to their parents when they want to. Adam was not deceived but the woman was deceived. Thats why husbands are to rule over their wives.
I disagree with Dave on this one. If he never had any respect for her family then he should never reap the benefits of her family.
I definitely agree with you I would hide it!!!!
And if your spouse were to hide a very large sum of money from you...?
@@user-cv3gd2wr5q no problem. I wouldn't want money from a family that I never respected.
@@Nessal83 Well than she should divorce him then! I agree with Dave, if you are married to someone then you shouldn't lie and hide things otherwise leave them or divorce them. Don't use them only when it's convenient for you.
Dave told her to keep it for her family, just to tell her husband about the money.
There are cases where not telling a spouse is actually in both peoples best interests. I think she knows her husband well enough to know she shouldn't tell him. Relationships and problems can be very complex including mental health issues. Some people are committed to their spouse no matter what but they may not ever be able to have the relationship they want to have.
Nothing is beyond repair, but you both have to be willing to do the work to get there. Clearly they haven't been doing the work. They don't have a relationship at all if they don't have trust.
Oh, so just to be clear, you believe in deception?
@@reneedwards1082If someone is abused- you don’t share everything.
@@reneedwards1082 If it's HER money, she can do whatever she wants to do with it, with no fear of anyone else (including her abusive husband) getting their hands on it.
I am amazed how you guys can hold your emotions listening to all these stories. Nice and professional!
I definitely would NOT tell your Pastor you have this money...
Why?
John K
agree 1000%
@@michaelvan6675 Because the pastor will give biased advice. He's gonna say that 10% needs to go to the church, that she needs to share the money with a husband she's clearly terrified of, and a slew of other insane advice. Some things can't be fixed. She's 100% right in wanting to hide this money from her hubby. I wouldn't tell him either if he was my spouse and treated me to the point of fear. Sounds like she should have left eons ago. It is NEVER NEVER NEVER okay to stay in an abusive relationship, but unfortunately, pastors are a tad 'gotta make the marriage work!' types.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have even called Dave. I’d have just seen an estate planner, possibly also a lawyer.
Church and money are a terrible combo! Reminds me of Maria Holmes, the $188 million Lottery winner that became infamous for getting sued by her pastor who says Maria promised his church $1.5 million.
I feel for this woman. You can hear the fear and frustration as well as the lack of respect in her voice for her husband. What an awful marriage.
Two sides to every story. I think I'll give my wife of 40 years an extra long hug and kiss this afternoon. Even in our worst of times, we have never been where this couple is.
That's amazing.
Yeah. I often wonder what the other side is in these calls. The person calling always sounds right. But there was another caller where the wife emailed later and it turned the whole scenario around.
Deposit the funds in a brokerage account (Schwab, TD Ameritrade, etc) in your name only. List you kids as a beneficiary. You don’t need to spend $3000-$5000 to set this up.
Good point!
She probably doesn't have access to that much money anyway.
My parents stayed together for financial reasons. They were miserable ever since I could remember though.
This is why I'm not in a hurry to get married, if ever. It's wonderful when it's healthy, supportive, and based on love, but I've personally rarely seen it happen like that.
are you going to have kids or no kids also?
@@jones2277 you don't need to be married to have kids
Dave doesn’t realize this, but he's making everyone’s quarantine better.
Lol...
People are still in quarentine?
Where are you living at- everything is open here.
Good Lord if I was still under quarantine at this point I would be rioting!
@@GardenerEarthGuy Here in the UK we're in lockdown. Everything's closed!
Y’all still in quarantine ?
@@GardenerEarthGuy major parts on Canada are still under “stay at home” orders, everything is closed still.
Stand up for yourself sister. Cash the check and put all the money in a safe deposit box he doesn’t know about. Don’t tell him. You know your husband. This guy doesn’t.
Why not a mattress?
@@happycook6737 and if the SD box is in her name, he can get access, thats why dave suggested a trust with the daughters names on it
Safe deposit box is 0% interest and if she dies- the spouse will get the money - do a Trust as they suggested with your kids as beneficiaries.
Open an E*Trade account in her name with her children as beneficiaries. Invest in S&P 500 index fund or growth stock mutual funds. He has NO say on this $. If he gets violent, then that is another issue.
I get Dave’s statement about not hiding things, but telling a woman who is actively telling you her husband is disrespectful & wouldn’t let her do something, that she should restrict his access to the money but still tell him the money exists…. Seems like a recipe that could get get her hurt.
I wonder how she is now. Hope everything is okay.
She sounds scared just asking Dave about it. First I thought he might be a gambler but as she said more ("he won't let me") I just felt afraid for her.
Exactly
This was a cry for help from her to survive this, and you just projected your own life and values onto her life. You think it’s so simple, and can’t you hear her voice, that she has lived five decades with this dangerous man. Dave you were very wrong in judging her.
It wasn't a judgement. It was wisdom. What does it profit to gain but lose the soul? I praise God for His wisdom in keeping me intact spiritually, emotionally, psychologically while in a pressure cooker of abuse and control. He did this through honesty and being genuine and seeking constructive, empowering actions. If I had listened to others who wanted me to cash out and run or deceive during the lengthy drawn out horrible process I would have eroded my soul and thus my quality of life and walk with Christ. Instead I am strengthened and ever closer to my Lord and have amazing experiences of goodness, power and glory and new friendships through the incredible pain, fear and hardship.
He gave her sound, specific advice that she could absorbed at this time that could get her to reach out and start the ball rolling! Truth be told...
@@SB-qv3yo That's wonderful for you, but you do realize that women die everyday in situations like this, right? If the man doesn't kill them, he physically abuses and tortures them on a regular basis. I'm sorry, but God did not create anybody to be abused. I also don't think that God intends for anybody to put up with physical and mental abuse for years on end. Also, just because a person leaves the relationship doesn't mean that they're seeking divorce. They could separate from the person until he or she gets help with their issues and stop taking things out on them. SMH.
I could not agree more! It all felt so tone deaf, like they weren’t hearing her and just thinking about what they would do in their own realities
He wasn’t judging. She asked for advice and he gave it. Period.
Geez 50 years and you can't trust your spouse... I can't imagine being in such a marriage. I love and am very open with my husband and he is the same with me. We both agree that in our case I'm best at managing our finances, but he is still first beneficiary if I die and I trust he would do his best if I die to take care of our child.
I will run!
time changes everything
@@vankyer758 10 years with my husband and our feelings have only grown, not died down like apparently this couple. We're very honest with each other though.
@@leonilamontgomery9464 I'm wondering if 50 years ago the marriage they had was already toxic and full of secrets and distrust. They should have split a long time ago if that was the case.
Agreed. That would be so sad. Imagine spending 50 years in a relationship where you are afraid and controlled like that. My husband is my best friend, and makes my life and our kids lives so much better.
Sounds like an abusive relationship. "He won't let me?" What.......?
Yeah... that's nuts. How does that even happen.
They should have dug deeper to see whether she is married to an abusive spouse before advising things to do things that could be beneficial to a normal marriage, but detrimental to an abusive one.
She should run to the estate planning attorney. I'm over 70 and twenty years ago, I got a settlement from injuries from a car accident. My husband told the attorney to have the check made out to both of us. I asked the attorney who his client was and he said I was. I instructed him to ONLY put my name on the check. Believe me, I would have NO control over the money. I didn't wise up for a long time but I finally realized my best interest was not my husband's concern. This woman knows exactly what would happen without protecting her interests. Absolutely, do not comingle the funds.
God forbid I ever have such a relationship
Scares the ish out of me. I'm mid-30s and single and hearing these types of things really concerns me.
Yes pray because There is no formula. Only God can send you a spouse where He can give you peace and joy throughout. There is no amount of time to know them before marriage that will help. How do you know how the spouse will act with children or when you start aging.
I'd tell her to be brave. Leave him, get a little place of her own. Do what is in her heart. Look after her Mom and her kids. Enjoy the rest of her life in peace.
Sometimes divorces are expensive and nasty, I wish it were as easy as you made it sound
@@lordlandbeast I could not agree more. But a door has opened for her. She has money of her own and now is her chance.
At 70? Not realistic
Absolutely! I do not understand how people choose to spend most of their lives in misery. She is now blessed with a way out and should not spend one more minute being controlled and manipulated.
@anniethomas451 I agree if there's a solution, take it. no one says it's going to be easy. But you got an out take it. I feel like ppl trapped don't understand that in the end its waaay harder to stay miserable for life.
Her: Doesnt want husband to know.
Also her: calls on the radio with name and city
You are incorrect. Definitely pseudonym.
@@Cotronixco oh yes possibly
May be fake names
@@blessedwifeandmama In some ways, this is like the Dear Abby column. They always changed the names.
If she’s over 70, chances are he is too, maybe even over 80. So he probably won’t be on RUclips watching Dave Ramsey.
They cut her off, you could tell by her voice that she was afraid and thought (or knew) it would just be worse if he knew of the money and he couldn't have it. Dave and company haven't a clue how to talk with some of these callers.
This was three years ago, hopefully she survived her husband if she did tell him but deny him the money.
I like how Dave said he won’t help her and then gave a hypothetical to help her hide the money.
Toxic abusive people don’t listen to reason. It’s sad what she’s going through but she has learned not to share too much with him for a reason. She probably had a very good reason for not wanting him to even know about this. It’s not ideal by a long shot, but expecting decency and logic from a toxic person can be dangerous
Or she didn’t have a good reason. You make a lot of assumptions and give her the benefit of the doubt. You only heard one side of the story. She’s being weirdly vague too. Could totally be spinning this up to paint her husband as a tyrant in order to justify her greed and a failing marriage.
So True its very dangerous especially when it comes to your money.
@@everydaybodybuilding2282 I think I was just going on what was said. Sure she could be not telling the truth. But aren’t you doing the same thing you said I did just in reverse?
@@lamontyoung3709 No I said "could" I'm not passing judgement on these people like you. You are speaking in absolutely as if you know the situation. I am simply pointing out that there are other possibilities and that we don't really know where the truth lies in this situation. There are two sides to every story.
@@lamontyoung3709 her husband very well might be a terrible person. He might very well be a perfectly nice guy. We have no idea.
Sad situation. So important that you marry the right person.
Sometimes people change, and not for the better.
An excellent reminder that marital quality is not measured by the quantity of anniversaries.
A marriage ages like a bottle of fine milk
100% Truth/Fact
I'm heart broken over all the underlying oppression in this call🥺
If I had this kind of inheritance or any kind of inheritance while my married my ex husband would have been all over it would have been much the same way. He wouldn't have let me spend it or save it as I saw fit. He was controlling in a very subtle way so well that I couldn't even tell he was doing that. It has made me very wary and hard to trust others.
Checking this video to ensure this isn't my wife calling........
Lol good one
@Steven Stocki your dog in your pfp is gorgeous! ♥️
Everything hidden shall eventually get revealed
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂
This lady has been in a prison for a long time.
If he is a narcissist, she HAS to hide that money.
No she needs to end the relationship if she HAS to do anything like that.
She sounds like the narcissist.
Exactly, don't let your left hand know what the right hand has, learned that years ago
@@factsondeck1552 says the narcissist
My husband REFUSED to have a joint account when we married because of how his ex had cheated him. My two sisters and I recently inherited over a million when our parents passed. I put most of mine in a high interest cd for now, in my name, at my credit union and with my sons being the beneficiaries.
My mother is 72 just diagnosed Alzheimer's married to my dad 52 years. She is not allowed to even buy a recliner. My mom won't ever leave, ever. And my dad would NEVER go to counseling are you kidding? This caller needs real help with how to keep the money away. She won't ever go to the estate planner without her husband knowing. Bad advice for her.
Dave- “I’m not going to help participate, but here contact an attorney and create a will and a trust and only put it only in your name”.
That isn't hiding per se. It is protecting your property. She is free to tell him what she did -- or not.
@@machintelligence perhaps the man should put all of his assets into a trust??
@@bonnevillebagger9147 the inheritance from his parents or money made before he got married? Sure. The money made by working/capital gains during a marriage? No, that is household money and it is to be shared equally between spouses.
@@livia.creates I see no difference. If a partner of mine hides money from the household, then I will do the same. It’s a moral issue.
@@bonnevillebagger9147 the law is the difference. In most states one does not have to share the money made before marriage and from an inheritance with their spouse. Also, putting money in a trust is not the same thing as hiding them, stop twisting the words.
My mom alway told me to make sure I had money hidden away. She’d say “baby just in case always just in case”
Your mom was telling you to lie to your husband and children? How is her marriage going?
One of the many reasons why I don’t want to get married.
Don’t see the point.
Sounds like your mom experienced a horrible relationship. Whether it be with your father or former boyfriend.
Mom lived at a time when women didn’t have equality in their marriage. They were under their husbands and society reinforced that message. If you had a good husband life was good, but if you had a bad husband life could be very hard. Todays women have been encouraged to demand better treatment in their relationships. There are still bad relationships but the mainstream message is not to stay in a dangerous situation. I believe it was her was of saying if it gets bad, LEAVE!
Yes great advice. I think this way and will teach all my kids this way, boy or girl. It is important for a person to have financial security. You can trust your partner 100% but there will always be things that can come up that is out of your control. Growing up in a poor family, only my dad worked and my mother did not have any money of her own. She chose to stay at home and if there were times of struggles, all she would do is stress over it and project all those negative feelings onto us. She saved her own little 'stash' where she could and used it to buy things to treat herself etc but she is clearly unhappy financially and it will never be enough despite it being her choice. Seeing that, i value the importance or working and having savings kept aside for emergencies never to be touched. When i do get married, that money i've saved will be set aside for no one to use but me. My husband doesn't need to know about it but i have no problems telling him and letting him know i do have a emergency fund. If we are financially struggling i am more than happy to use it to get us by, but it is not open on the table to people to decide to maybe use it on a holiday or new car etc. That is the importance i see in 'hidden money'.
Here this poor woman has been living in misery for probably 50 years. And what does she think about doing with the money? Using it to serve her parents and her children. She really should use it to help herself get established in her life apart from him.
wow thats assuming allot... there are two sides to every story and we haven't herd the man's POV.
I agree! She needs to serve herself - for once in her life!
Christy Wright just validated my relationship philosophy!! Don't sweep it under the rug!!Discuss it respectively as things come up so there is NOTHING to hold on to or bottle up! Yes!! 🙌
Always clear out under the rug...
For 16 years I swept all the small stuff under there...then for days my body wouldn't stop crying, I couldnt hide it... I didn't think I was upset but it built up...then I wrote my partner a letter explaining the things that I needed and that upset me,etc. He apologised and has kept it, he reads it regularly to keep him from getting complacent... I'm so glad I wrote that letter...❤
Thanks. Answer to my prayers about a certain relationship. Faith without work is dead. Thank you. I need to clean up under the rug with someone.
Nice comment .... Where are you from ?
This caller sounds a lot like my mom. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a physically violent relationship at one point.
She's been married since before women were legally allowed to open bank accounts by themselves. I can't blame or judge her for hiding money. For all we know the husband is a gambling addict or has creditors after him.
In 1972 in eastern Ontario, Canada I tried to write a check for groceries. The store would not take it without my husband’s signature. I was the breadwinner at the time.
My Aunt opened a checking account when she became eligible for social security. Her husband went up to the bank and had them close her account and move her social security checks into his account. He was the kind of guy that handled all the finances and when she needed money he would tell her to gather some of their chicken eggs and go sale them to the country store in town.
@@lindamayberry6904 wow :( do you know when he did that? I can’t fully grasp how much some things have changed
@@lindamayberry6904 I'm not exactly sure HOW the husband was able to close someone else's checking account and do all that you said he did, but I would think that would be illegal for him to have done, and also illegal for the bank to have done if that did happen
@@Sheryl777You'd be surprised what kind of things you can do in small, local banks, even today (even though they're illegal).
Regardless of what’s personally going on I’m glad you still shouted out advice for her:)
In these abuse control relationships, be cautious to not talk to any counselor who doesn’t understand narcissistic abuse cycle. Domestic abuse is common even when physical violence isn’t apparent there is psychological control that embeds over the years and destroys a persons sense of themselves. It’s tragic and it’s common and it’s real. Glad you guys heard this and addressed it.
“I want to hide a lot of money from my husband. What’s your advice?”
A divorce. A divorce is my advice
She probably can't afford to live on her own, and $175k really isn't that much money, especially if she needs it to help care for her mother.
@lilac sky if he’s disrespectful to the point that she feels the need to hide money from him, there’s probably some spouse abuse going on behind the scenes. And frankly if her religion mandates that abuse victims have to remain married to their abusers, then she needs to find a new religion anyway in my opinion.
Props to Christy for realizing this was probably an abusive (at least emotional or worse) situation and trying to let the caller know to get support. I do think Dave has good intentions but doesn't realize how common abusive relationships are... sometimes from the beginning.
You don’t know until you yourself experience it or someone very very close to you. There were so many things I didn’t understand until I helped my sister out of one. I was completely oblivious to what was going on for YEARS. It wasn’t until he lost control over her & started “losing it” period that I realized how intense and severe the situation was. She minimized it; I didn’t see it. I will never judge a person for fearing their partner because I know for fact I do not know their partner like they do.
The hosts wanted desperately to help her but they know the remedy is gone. You can't turn back time.
This isn't a 20 or 30 year old whom you can tell to divorce, move on, etc.
It's an elderly woman who threw away 50 years. Her entire life.
Good luck to her. This story hits hard. Very tragic.
You don’t know the whole 50 years, could be alright but she still wants to not give him any of the money
Yup@@MarksTournaments
In most states, a survivng spouse may be able to make a claim on the estate even if the will clearly states otherwise. This is called "dissent from the will" or the surviving spouse's elective share.
Get good legal advice from a specialist attorney in estate planning and probate.