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Dealing with Difficult Daughters-In-Law
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- Опубликовано: 2 дек 2020
- If you have a difficult daughter-in-law, you are desperate to fix things so you have a better relationship with your son and grandchildren. This video gives you realistic ideas to navigate this touchy relationship.
I just cannot take the stress any longer. Everything you said multiplied by 100! The DIL and her entire family are a narcissistic nightmare! The constant competition and "one-up-manship" manipulation is unreal! I have tried in every way possible to compassionately address this situation.
My son knows what is going on, but he must take the side of his wife. Her mother demands HER way! My son cannot have an opinion. I cannot see my son or grandchildren. My DIL comes to town for weeks at a time and doesn't even tell me so I can see my grandchildren. My DIL takes the children right out of my arms while telling them "oh there there, you have stranger anxiety". She has ZERO conversation with me. She won't even look at me. She won't text or call EVER. I've tried in every kind way possible to repair whatever is going on, but the constant rejection by her and her family is just too painful to keep enduring.
I've let it all go. I told my son that I'll need to do that.My son can bring the grandchildren to see me by himself or he won't. It is no longer my set of problems. NOBODY needs to take this kind of ridiculous abuse.
I will remain compassionate and lift up my DIL in prayer. I'll lift my son up in prayer. My grandchildren have a grandmother-- the DIL's mother- so they will be fine. I never imagined this could happen in my life- it is grief producing BEYOND anything I could ever imagine! I was a very good mother to my children, I was always respectful and kind to my own in-laws so this level of cruel words, cruel behavior, and rejection is profound. The cruel things her family says to my face and behind my back-- it is so traumatizing. I'm not a fake person, so "la la la pretending this isn't happening" is not sound advice. Setting boundaries and setting them all free is all I can do to preserve my own mental health. I've been dealing with this for 15 years. Enough is enough. The pain they inflict is insane! Even Jesus said to "dust off your sandals and leave". I don't need one more second of mental torment! I'm sure there are others who feel the same way. Sometimes, a person just has to leave the situation and take care of themselves.
Blessings and empathy to anyone else suffering this unnecessary abuse! I know how you feel!
There is a time to let go and you are obviously there. You mentioned you have children so I hope that the other(s) are good to you and include you. I didn't realize that I didn't mention in this video that there is a time to be done. In my other videos on narcissistic adult children, I do say that you do what you can to keep your grandchildren in your life but if it is taking a toll on your health and your sanity, then you cannot and have to let go. I agree with you. Your son can choose to bring them to you. Maybe he will do that when you have walked away and he has to make that choice. May God bless you abundantly.
We need more advice on this
Oh my! I am so so sorry. I feel your pain. I think you are doing the right thing. Pray pray pray . 🙏🏻❤️
I finally let mine go. I don't play games and Im not apologizing for something I've not done just to please a daughter-in-law. I simply but bluntly told my adult child that if they want me and their dad in their lives that's great but we refuse to be played like yoyo's. We also told them that they can't turn back time and get these missed moments back. I walked away.
I have walked away too. Fortunately I do occasionally see my grandkids as my son brings them to me. I have not spoken to HER for 3 years - her choice not mine but in fact, I’m fine with it. Acceptance of her behaviour was the best thing I did
We have always been welcoming, loving, and not intrusive toward our daughter in law. She only cares about her family. My husband and I feel excluded. We want to bond with our grandchild, but almost never see her! 😢
I am so sorry. That is heartbreaking. I honestly think the only thing you can do is to lie low and not complain. If you tried to talk to your son and things got worse and you can't talk to your dil, then you have to not push because you will only make it worse. Hopefully, this is because she is a first-time mom and she will lighten up in time. If you push hard and complain, it is likely she will push back harder and stay resentful toward you. With a dil like this as the mother of your grandchild, keep yourselves invested in your own lives to be happy.
This is the best thing I have ever heard on the subject. Mother in laws get a bad rap in society. Thank you for telling our side of the story that no one much seems to address.
You are welcome. This situation is increasing along with narcissistic adult children. I am sorry it is affecting you too. All my RUclips videos and books and studies help with difficult relationships so please check them out. Glad this brought you some validation.
Agree totally. We are the butt of every joke and increasingly disrespected and yet held to such a higher standard; we have to watch every word we say and every look that crosses our faces. This situation has crossed over into elder abuse and cruelty. We are supposed to just cower and cave and always be there with a kind word and a check to bail everyone out or we are not being "supportive". (and god help us if we ask a question.) awareness need s to be brought to this cause. We are not the bad guys just cause we are the parents or older.
@@lindabrodney4958 You are right. They can do anything they want and you can't. The reason is because you don't apply the same standard and do to them what they do to you. Is it possible to stop the flow of money or would that cause them to cut you off?
@@changemyrelationship We paid mortgages, health insurance coverage and groceries for over 6 months to a couple in thier 40s. Neither one working. Oh, and never once a thank you or acknowledgement. On her third pleasure trip during this period we questioned whether our retirement funds were being wisely used; while we were buckling down, she was traveling. Yes, limiting our generosity and financial support did irk them.
@@lindabrodney4958 Glad you stopped. It is wise to look at what they are doing to provide for themselves.
Thanks so much for this because I recently become an MIL and my nightmare started one week before the wedding. I feel like I lost a son when I thought I would gain a daughter, and it is so bad that it is affecting my mental state, as I am totally being ignored. I will definitely use some of the tools that you recommend.
Best to start now so you spare yourself lots of pain. I am sorry.
A wise woman shared with me before my 2 sons where married , she stated when a daughter marries you gain a son when a son marries you lose a son . At the time I didn’t believe it as I have had a close loving relationship with them when they married my oldest son married a lovely woman that I had a wonderful relationship with , they are now divorced I still have a loving respectful relationship with her. My son is now with a woman that is hard to get close too, and my youngest son his wife would never let me in . As much like most of the women in this feed have tried its about them and insecurities, it took me along time to heal from it. I do have a loving relationship with my grandchildren, despite the years of pain . Praying for all the grandchildren on this feed to reach out to there grandparents when they come of age to choose .
@@Deder111 thank you for sharing your story.
Same here… it all started one week before the wedding
@@Sharon-fk2db So sorry to hear I really feel your pain.
I am also so shocked how common this is- Today I choose to heal with God's guidance- yesterday I realized that if I didn't stop allowing the narcissist to hurt me, I will end up having a heart attack-my heart literally hurts. I love my son and miss dearly but I cannot continue to put myself through this pain. Thank God I have two amazing daughters with amazing hearts that understand me and help me through it. I am so sorry for every single person going through this type of pain. Lets all try our best to give our pain and troubles to God and he will heal our hearts and give us strength.
You are right. It is common. I am so glad you realize that you cannot allow this to hurt your health. It isn't easy to recognize that when it involves your child and grandkids but you have to.
@@changemyrelationship Thank you for this video and your response. I am happy to subscribe to your channel.
I'm happy that you have your daughters....I only have one son and one daughter. Our DIL and son got my daughter to go against us as well. They took 7 grandkids from us. We gave them a healthy upbringing, my husband (their father) is a wonderful man and so hardworking. We gave them everything and were always there for them and the grandkids. Today, they both show more respect toward our DIL's dysfunctional family....multiple divorces and she had an abusive step-father (who today is around our grandchildren and we are removed from their lives) It's absolutely heartbreaking and infuriating (needless to say....mind boggling). Be so grateful you have your daughters. Your post stood out to me because we are so heartbroken over our daughter being brainwashed by her brother. I used to say when my DIL would make my heart hurt to the point of having a heart attack as well that we were thankful we had our daughter....we don't have her either. She's been awful to us. We are shocked. Both our kids lived in our home for months/years to save up for their own home. They now entertain our DIL's family every holiday in their homes and they ignore us. It's devastating. She finally got our son to have a fight with us, and she baited me into an argument when I finally said all that I was upset with his wife about (after 14 years of tolerating her abuse), and we are now paying for it since they took all our 7 grandkids out of our life.
@@adrianasacca I am so so sorry for everything that you are going through that you do not deserve! I don’t understand how some people can be so heartless, it’s so painful what we go through bc of the DIL’s but the best thing to do is to give it all to God and trust nd have faith he will handle everyone of us accordingly bc he knows all of our hearts, true intentions, motives, deepest secrets, nd there is nothing nd I mean nothing that will get passed him. Although it hurts so bad, we must have patience nd wait for Gods Goodness according to his plan nd timing 💕 I will pray for God to bring you healing nd peace and overall joy 💕
@@molinaempire-biz2957 Thank you so much. My husband also reminds me daily that we must give it all to God, and to pray daily and put it in His hands. We are so powerless in all this. Thank you for your prayers and kind wishes through this. I'm so sorry that we as parents have to endure this level of heartache due to our child's poor choice in a spouse. These destructive people are destroying loving and decent families.
I am so thankful for this! There are SO VERY MANY discussions about difficult mothers-in-law….and so few addressing daughters-in-law. Trying to deal with my daughter-in-law over the past 15 1/2 years has literally gutted my soul and broken my spirit. I’ve allowed this to change who I am. Never ever did I think I would be this broken and hollow. I need all the help I can get. The damage from this problem is coloring every aspect of my life, up to and including my own marriage. I am shattered and exhausted.
Take my class "Transforming Difficult Relationships" to gain skills to get yourself back. Here is the link: www.changemyrelationship.com/transforming-difficult-relationships-class/. The class is starting this week. It will help.
Don't waste your time over 30 years now iam old and sick and I have wasted my time don't do it have your own life God knows I tried now I live my life and God will take care of me
@@ednagoguen4507 I am so sorry. I am so glad you know that you can focus on your own life. And yes, God will take care of you. Friends can be closer than family. I will pray closer friends for you. I hope the church steps up. We should do a much better time with that.
@@changemyrelationship 4
“Empty Nest” comment was very sad, but very true! This is another way of thinking for acceptance.
Agreed.
Sadly I have been going through this for five years. It really has rattled me spiritually. I guess I just don't understand why God is allowing this to happen to my husband and I because we both are selfless, loving and Godly people.
I appreciate your video and helping me to understand. 💚
God doesn't force people to change. Your son picked her and she's difficult. It wont change unless he stands up to her
Mother-in-law Disorder is the new term. New MIL's beware
Unrealistic expectations was biggest thing.
This part of life is probably the icing on the cake. I need to take some acting classes. LOL
Each person needs to take accountability for their own actions. Respect boundaries.
That does make for a healthy relationship.
Yeah, good luck with that one!!
This is exactly what we have dealt with, we have been cut off from our son for 11 years. She would take a nice act and turn it into something ugly. She once said to me that "you can do no wrong in Eric's eyes." Our son is Eric. She excluded me from bridal showers when she was getting married and she didn't even know me yet. She has spent only time with her family while refusing to come to our home. Exactly what you describe is what has happened to us. I wanted a relationship with her, even doing special things for her to bond with her. The ugly part was that she acted with jealousy instead of see it as an act to bond. I lost all hope that we could ever fix things.
At least you know that it isn't you or anything you did since she did it before she knew you.
I feel for you Gwendolyn, We have experienced the same casual cruelty. I am 100% serious: we are peacemakers and let so so much go. Everything we do is wrong and we are in laws to others who adore us. Sometimes you encounter a very damaged person who can ruin a family. My heart goes out to you. No one understands how bad this.
I’ve dealt with everything mentioned , it is hard , and how true it is , I’ve released them to God & I pray
This is exactly the situation I’ve been in, my daughter-in-law is very successful and had her mother move out close to them, and that is the only person she allows in their home. I don’t talk to my son about it because the one time I did in love and concern, it completely backfired and I had a 10 page decimating letter from my daughter-in-law. It’s extremely toxic, so I completely pulled back and I talk to my son one time a week and see my granddaughters about every other week on FaceTime.
But my mental health is better when I’m not being accused of things that I didn’t do. I pray for my granddaughters, And I do pray for my daughter-in-law, but I don’t know how to deal with it other than avoid the situation..
@@karadaniel6334 When someone is gunning for you all the time, how can we ever be perfect enough? I weigh every day the heartbreak and anger versus the determination to focus on health and well being to perhaps live long enough to explain to our little grandson that this estrangement was never our intent or wish. That he was important to us and we hope every day for even a phone call or FaceTime. Holidays? none are ever allowed by her. We can drop off gifts but don't expect any acknowledgement. I worry so much for him. Both my husband and I have developed serious health difficulties not helped by this angst. I get totally when you say the letter has damaged your mental health; how can it not? I so sorry that happened to you. Folks our age, just we don't want the drama.We are even willing to forgo basic respect and manners for peace. Jeez. I will hope for a miracle or at least a ray of understanding and kindness to come your way and mine.
I came across this video because I am unfortunately having some conflict with my Mother- in- Law and I am just in so many tears. I love my mother-in-law so much I cannot ever imagine making her feel this way.
I just wanted to tell all the MILaws who are experiencing this that I believe in you and I am so sorry for the pain in your heart, please don't ever give up or let anyone bring down your vibration. You bring love to the world and we need you.
Few things I have to say (just my honest opinions and experiences) from my heart for the MIL whose heart is hurting and to any daughter in laws who are in love with their husband or wife. Like soulmate/twinflame love.
: I am so in love with my husband for all his beautiful and all his ugly. Unconditionally. Not for the person I try to mold him into. I do not possess nor control him. I thank god for the humans who are responsible for giving him life. I do not believe it's possible to have anything but love for the woman who gave him life. Without her there would be no him. Maybe keep that in mind if you recognize any negative feelings about your mother in law and learn respect. Like the same respect you have for your own mother. I love my mother-in-law for all her beautiful and all her ugly and I would never pull the man I love away from the people who loved him for his whole life. And if they love him the way I love him then we have at least one thing in common, and I could always work with that no matter how bad things ever get.
The reason I had to say that is because I think it's so ugly for us to treat eachother this way.
Right now me and my mother in law are at odds and I'm trying to gain insight on the things I could do better, eventhough I feel like she is being unfair.
To all the MIL reading this, don't give up and don't lose yourself . Stay strong and just remember LOVE is the most powerful thing. If your daughter in law is treating you ugly and trying to remove you from the picture just keep showing love anyway. (Set boundaries , don't continue to be disrespected)
You can change the way you react and you can change yourself, you will probably never be able to change her. And if you always remain true to yourself and your family then eventhough you're hurting I know you can get through this.
And if you always respond with love , then the ugly and the disrespect will be LOUD. Trust your child to eventually see it . Trust yourself to forgive, because there's lessons that need to be learned but they are not your responsibility. Love & light your way. I believe in you🩵🩵🩵
Also have to add :
I love my husband's parents and family and I am so blessed to be loved and accepted by them for all my beautiful and ugly. They treat me more like family than my own flesh and blood. I love you mama Ruby and Dado Robert 🩵🩵🩵
Thank you for this heartfelt comment. I am sure with the love in your heart and the willingness you have to look at yourself that you and your mother in law will work things out.
Beautiful
You one beautiful woman. God Bless you.
Dear Samantha, I love your beautiful soul! What a blessing you are in your husband's life and all those who know you!!! I pray that your MIL will soften her heart and treat you like the treasure you are! *hugs*
Your very lucky
My grand daughter took me to her bedroom to show and tell her toys, books, etc. Within 5 minutes my DIL rushed in and asked what were we doing in there then told us to go back to the living room. Has happened 3 times and with grandpa too. So sad my son has to deal with a control freak. I don't go to their home anymore. I hope when my grand kids grow up they may want to get to know me.
I am so sorry. That is very painful. I hope you have a good life in other ways. Be good to yourself and enjoy what you have.
I have also been living with this for years now…it’s totally insane! I’ve never met my granddaughter and my DIL showed up to sports event for my grandson (my daughter’s son) with the baby I’ve never seen and she followed me around putting the baby in my face, trying to upset me…I kept moving away and did a great ignoring her…2 days later I get a 2 page letter in the mail from DIL instructing me how I should act when she is around and how happy and “light-hearted” my son is now, not having us in their life…it’s so evil and hateful!! I’m ignoring the letter and it will drive her crazy that she got no reaction…narcissistic psychopath!!
That's really bad. So she has made you out to be the horrible person and is literally torturing you. I am so sorry.
wow! Good job on not allowing it to hurt you and reacting how she most likely wanted to use it against you. It is most definitely pure evil!
She wants the reaction. Your son is probably miserable and she knows that. The grand kids are being used
Thanks for these very good suggestions and points. Our DIL is a narcissist. I’ve never met anyone as deliberately rude, disrespectful, demeaning, or as controlling as she is. Not sure how to navigate around that relationship.
Carefully. As the video said, since they are vindictive and don't accept boundaries, make sure anything you say as far as confronting is something that you need to say and count the cost. She is likely one that will withhold the grandkids. Learn more about narcissism too. I have other videos.
Need more laws to protect mils for grandkids sake.. Senior abuse, my heart is broken 💔
They act as if I’m never needed for anything. I never demand anything from them , if anything I’m accommodating, so I thought. I’m never invited for dinner or to go places.
I think you must know my family …. This video described my relationship with my daughter in law and myself perfectly! Thank you for your knowledge.
You're welcome. I hope it helps you deal with her better.
Thank you, I needed to hear what you had to say. You painted the exact picture of what my wife and I are going through. It feels like we’re at the bottom of Mount Everest with no shoes and we’re trying to get to the top. We’ve tried being the understanding, patient, supportive parents but they keep on moving the goal line. We’re in the cooling off period. Not sure how long this will last! Please pray for us.
I will pray for wisdom and discernment. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you.
I understand this advice but holy crap does it ever sound like “just give her the power she wants no matter the case” “don’t cause waves” sometimes it’s so exhausting because there are waves no matter how much people watch what they say around these type of people.
I understand and agree with everything you said. My point is because it is going to be that way no matter what, save yourself energy by not trying to change it and not making yourself the cause of it. You will lose on that. If grandchildren are involved, your relationship with them is your priority because if you become an easy target, you may lose them. If you don't want to do this, set boundaries and step away. It is always your choice.
Even though there are experts in this situation, I will not sugar coat anything and if my boundaries are not respected and not treated like a human being, I will continue to limit contact. As much as I would like to see my grandsons, I want no part in my DIL's behavior in the presence of children. My son has to decide how important it is for me to have a relationship with my grandsons and arrange visits without her presence. I can wait till they are older.
@@bettyroberts4156 That is one of the responses you can choose. Once in a while it will wake the son up to take a stand and once in a while cause a dil to soften.
I moved from Georgia to Florida 6 years ago to be close to my son, his girlfriend and my two grandsons. It has absolutely changed a very close relationship between myself and my son into a complete disaster. It started within a month of my move. I did everything wrong in her eyes, she would talk behind my back to my son complaining that I didn’t help enough and when he would get angry with her he’d take it out on me.
For the sake of my health I had to break contact. I speak with my grandsons every other week on the phone. This is the only contact I have.
It is a huge loss. The only thing you can do is to keep the door open with your grandkids. It is nice that you can still talk with them. Keep busy in your own life.
This video is realistic and this pathological issue has to be addressed and long overdue. Too often, victims of narcissists such as MILs and even trauma bonded adult children married to these toxic people are blamed and shamed. I raised my son well with many opportunities but married into a family cult. Fortunately, my son and I communicate but I am not allowed to see my grandson--plus another one on the way. I have been the target of covert narcissism but my son defends her. She also is abusive towards him. Children of narcissistic mothers will be seriously impacted. I am working with my son instilling the importance of grandparents on both sides of the family despite disagreements. In my case, there are vendettas that go back several years. My DIL is so pathological, vindictive that she has managed to turn other members of my immediate family against me and this will probably never be fully reversed. I have been scapegoated and blamed for everything. Long story.....I have a lot of tools and knowledge but struggle with this continuously. We need to educate others in narcissistic victim syndrome that includes toxic DILs that can destroy families. Knowledge is power to manage this pathology. Our adult children are trapped in a trauma bond. We do our best to understand and manage this pathology but parents in laws have to set boundaries of respect, learn to go grey rock, but do all we can to have a relationship with grandchildren realising that the DILs usually hold the cards with their kids and can alienate grandparents. Thanks for making this video.
It is everything you said. I'm sorry you are not seeing your grandkids. That is very painful.
It's as if you wrote my story in your post. I'm so sick of this evil person having free reign to treat everyone like we dont matter. I have to believe I raised my son with some integrity and he will; at some point, see the games this woman is playing. These women are vicious and care nothing about our son's or they wouldn't do what theyre doing to them and their own children. They continue to stay a child in their own mind feeling so injured and offended, yet they are the ones doing the hurt and offending. Its absolutely bizarre how twisted life becomes when your family is forced to deal with these people. I have been supportive and conderate and the more I bend and flex for her, the more she finds to be offended about. Everyone walks on eggshells for her making our lives tense and miserable. Rational common sense should tell her that what she's done to this point doesn't work, and if she is thr common denominator then change should come from her. She is intentionally ruining relationships. It is not unrealistic to expect people to respect and consider others and to pretend its not happening is not the way. Someone first has to realize there is a problem to change before they will. If no one calls out a narcissistic person then they have nothing to change. If no one ever holds her accountable she has free range exceptence to continue the destroying behavior. She knows what she's doing. She has the ear of our sons to manipulate and do her work and is calculated.
I can’t like this enough! Going on 12 years and it’s still tough. So much of what you said resonates with me. They are now putting their house up for sale and moving out of state . I have told them of coarse we are disappointed but will pray God will guide them. They might as well move because we aren’t allowed to have them by ourselves. They are 5 and almost 9. You are so spot on with the having compassion because the dil is a broken person. Hurt people hurt people. So my go to is “ someday heaven” ! Eternity with my kids and grandkids is forever and no time constraints in heaven . I still grieve here on Earth but you are so right in saying you have to act and give up the dreams you had. I am going to order the book!!
So glad this was validating to you and I am sorry for your pain. Sounds like you have handled it with wisdom. Glad you are getting the book and you might also enjoy my other book "Change My Relationship: 365 Daily Devotions for Christians in Difficult Relationships."
We’ve been walking on eggshells for over ten years with our situation. It is excruciating as we don’t know what we’ve done wrong, except refusing to be manipulated. Now we are going into the “gray rock” stage. It’s the saddest thing. Trying to maintain compassion while accepting abuse is very difficult, but we’re trying.😢
It isn't a good option but the others will not work in the way you want. She won't hear truth and look at herself, she will just turn against you and cut you off. I would try to have a relationship with the grandkids separate from her as much as possible such as having them at your house when you see them, if she will let you. Grey rocking is a perfect strategy.
@@changemyrelationship Thank you. I don’t like it, but we can’t just lie down and take it either. Sigh! Hopefully our prayers will be answered in time.
@@julieduncan4075 You can say or do anything you want. Just know beforehand what the response could be.
I'm the daughter-in-law but I still learned how to have more compassion with my difficult mother in law from this video.
Glad you could. I was a little concerned about people with difficult mil getting offended
@@changemyrelationship I was getting a little bit uncomfortable and defensive in the beginning of the video but I am the one watching these videos and trying with all I have in my power to change my relationships and keep my side of the street clean. ❤
@@changemyrelationship I'm glad that you said that, because I am a daughter-in-law who is viewed as "difficult"... But I'm not a difficult, controlling or manipulative person. I have in-laws who's expectations don't match up with mine/my husband's. His parents have frequently had difficulty respecting appropriate boundaries my husband and I establish for our immediate family.
I remain respectful and do my best to see the bigger picture - but there are definitely situations where the only way to maintain a "good" relationship is to ensure a lot of emotional distance.
They would prefer I (and my children) be enmeshed in their family's power structure and dynamics... They've found it difficult to accept that my husband and I have our own family system - outside of their power structure.
@@mariamiller4035 You will never regret it and I commend you for trying your best to forge peace and understanding.
The pattern with my DIL is simple, when she does deem it possible to manage to spend time with us every six months, after acting like it’s a huge favor, we hand over all of our money (always much more than we can really afford on gifts, meals, etc) she starts some absurd nonsense up to create trouble, makes passive aggressive comments about me on Facebook, and then we don’t hear from them for months only for her to come back and be determined to start the whole cycle over again. Thank you so much for your video. It was unbelievable how much it matches our situation. It has gotten to the point I just feel dead inside when we are together anymore. I literally just don’t give a flying care anymore even though it is wonderful to see the children on those rare occasions. She has two sons and I really hope and pray she gets a daughter-in-law just like her.
Will you continue to hand over the money and the gifts when or if there is a "next time" she decides to see you?
You explain the set up of the entangled relationship so well. My DiL plus son plus narcissic daughter and SiL plus grandchildren has become so entangled over 20 years. Its only recently that i ve recognised the difficulties with my DIL as my daughter took all of my energy. DIL worked with daughter for many years so there was a lot of emeshment. II feel once again that you and your words are a gift from God.
I'm so happy this helped you.
Married twice I had wonderful close relationships with my mom in laws even after the divorce, so when my son got married it never occurred to me there would be any problem with my new daughter in law. My grand kids are 7 and 11 now. Have only been to my house 3 times. I am forbidden even though I've always been respectful when she has not. My son is captured by her control. My entire family is heart broken. We pray overtime that one day she will emotionally mature.
I am so sorry. The loss is huge. I am glad you have the support of the rest of your family. That helps. The other thing to pray is for your son to get stronger. Since none of that is guaranteed, love the rest of your life and be good to yourself.
Thank you so much. I have not heard of this kind of video and I have suffered with this for more than 20 years it has been so painful. I like that you said to give up the myth. I have had to do that and grieve over it. I saw my mother go through this and my best friend also.
Peggy, my heart breaks for you. I am glad I could offer you some comfort and help to move forward. Your life matters to you and you have a right to live it. Give yourself permission.
So glad to hear that I'm not aline in this unbearable matter.
You are not. Take good care of yourself. It is necessary.
My advice to mothers in law from a daughter in law perspective:
1. Please don’t overstep boundaries. Your son has his own family now, please accept it and give them some privacy
2. Accept that she is not your daughter. She has her own mother and her own family, you can’t just replace that
3. Don’t talk behind your daughter in law back. She’ll know, and she won’t like it
4. Learn to accept the answer “No”. Sometimes your daughter in law will say no to your request. Not because she is trying to be mean to you, she just has her own life and her own plans and can’t give you everything you ask
5. Don’t rush, don’t be pushy
6. Find your own hobbies and stop stalking your adult children lives. Seriously, get yourself busy with your own activities. Most of us are busy and can’t spend all the time with retired in laws
That's a great list
I can use that list to balance this one from dil perspective
I would add to.accept your son has to put his wife first and he is no longer your baby boy.
Thank you. I am so heartbroken at times.
Can I send this to my son? Just kidding.
You've retained your sense of humor. I love that. Watch my other videos and look at the rest of my books materials and classes because they will all help you
This was very helpful, and an affirmation of sorts that I have done most of these things to have a relationship with my daughter-in-law. I have tried for years to show my love and respect and have been met with disapproval and non-inclusion. It has been a rocky road but I have come to accept that this is just the way it is. I can't change her. She once told me I would have to prove my love for her. And I tried. But I soon realized I have been proving it for years. She is my son's wife, and he is happy. That is all that really matters. And in honoring his wife, I suppose in some ways he honors me. It isn't ideal...it just is what it is.
Yes. You can't change it and it is healthy for you to know that. Also, recognizing that it's impossible to do enough to prove yourself to her allows you to stop trying. It's a place of peace for you. Did you watch the video on difficult daughter in laws?
A women can make a family or break a family!
True.
Agree 👍
"A wise woman builds her house; a foolish one tears it down". Proverbs 14:1.
Thank you for this vid. My poor best friend who is a saint, is going through this with her DIL. She has tried everything!! I told her just stop responding and say the Serenity Prayer daily.It's all based on jealousy and insecurity. Some day those boys will turn on their mom and her over possessiveness and control. I am so fortunate to have only a daughter and an amazing SIL.
Have her watch the video.
This is what I felt and sensed all the time. Same issues, etc. She and my son live in Vegas and I in Georgia. I have only seen my grandson once in 2 years. She has a gay married brother whom have adopted 2 girls. The few times they have come to Georgia they stayed with her brother. Now my problem is they have finally arrived here and it's causing me intense stress. That and with dealing with my illnesses and pain chronic pain has made the pain worse. Also, they always spend holidays with her family. Thank you for this. I have decided that I will have plans while they're here.
So glad the video helped you. God bless you. You deserve to have
goodk things.
this is my life too.This is such a valuable video. I also recommend Tracy Malone's podcast on narcissistic SIL and DIL. Details the games and the weaponizing of the grandchildren. I thought it was just me but the pattern of behavior is exactly the same.
I am sorry. It is painful and sad. It does help to recognize what is going on so you don't feel crazy and don't exhaust yourself trying to change it.
@@changemyrelationship thank you. Yes, I did feel crazy and wore myself out trying to 'fix' everything, only to make myself look even more desperate and clingy. Your advice is so useful and it's shocking how prevalent this is in our society.
It stems from a lack of morality and respect in our culture and letting our kids think they are the center of everything.
@@changemyrelationship agreed. I was raised to respect my elders, as so many cultures still do. As a teacher we had to do that, or they'd run us over. Now I have to cave to my own son or lose access to his children.
@@cyndimoring9389 I think it is the culture that has set this up. It is difficult to navigate. Always a choice whether to cave or not as long as you are willing to risk the consequences.
This is my story, everything including my grandson, I am not allowed to see him, She often say MY Son, I lost my oldest son 2016 I thought my younger son n his wife would let me atleast see my grandson, I gave my grandson everything, she has no love for me. My Son is standing by his wife But You explaining everything like Jealousy I feel that too, Thanku so much Cuz I am Done with the Emotional Abuse :(
I have to walk on eggshells. She gets worst and worst, and the worst part is she can't communicate she ghosts me.
I know that is hard. How are you handling it?
@@changemyrelationship My relationship is deteratirating very fast,with my DIL. I think she has gotten worse over the year's she 0
suffers from Orthorexia (Clean Eating gone bad ) to the point were she won't let the children ever eat any of my food. The best part is shes got these kids on Keto Diet they are skin and bones and out of control. She restricts them from pasta pizza sugar. Bread etc. She tells them my food is bad. Meanwhile I have a cooking channel on YT OVER 17k subs. "Materialgirl338" new thing is now she tells my Grandchildren you don't have to listen to her, so When I am asked you watch them, If I yell at them for not listening or preventing them from getting hurt. The Kids say "We don't have to listen to you mommy says" I know the fastest way to cause a eating disorder is become food police. I give up at this time, I'm dealing with cluster B family members and Narc DIL.
My daughter in law is a pure evil . Because of the children she is also expensive. I know what you're going through.
It's hard to deal with borderline personally disorder. Fortunately my other daughter in law is wonderful as is my daughter's husband. I try to treat them all the same but it's impossible.
I have to say you are exactly what I need right now! Thank you x
So glad to help you in any way I can.
No wonder my son has gone crazy! Literally, he can never do enough or make enough money to please his wife! I’m worried about my son’s mental health because of his wife”s narcissistic personality
He will have to get strong enough to set boundaries for himself. It is a process.
yes, my son is in constant therapy and like a rat on a wheel. He's taking a new job to make more $ but also expected to have short hours so he can help at home. She's a stay at home mom.
I want to post a couple things here, but am not going to risk the wrong person reading it. My circumstances are a tad different, due to my medical problems. I finally realized I need a Medical Health care Power of Attorney. On a fixed income, but no choice. Excellent Video. Will re-watch it.
I am so glad it helped you.God bless you!
Thank you for enlightening me on this topic. It really has enlightened me on how to handle the situations with DIL.
I am so glad it helped.
Wow, I wish I found this 2 years ago! Thank you.
You're welcome. I
Thank you talking about this
You are welcome.
Thank you so much! I found your video a couple days before my son's wedding and it gave me so much peace! You dive right into practical solutions. Gonna listen to this a couple more times and take notes when I have time after the wedding. Can't wait to listen to more of your videos! Thanks again!
That warms my heart! Glad you found it in time.
Omg you just described my DIL . She has my son and my 2 grand girls. I am heartbroken and goin crazy.
I understand how painful it is. I teach a class on Zoom starting in January with my 10 Principles for difficult relationships. Do you think you would be interested in taking that? I think it would give you some ideas and more peace.
@@changemyrelationship I would like to but, I donot have zoom on my phone
@@cindydaugherty8441 You can easily put it on your phone or do Zoom through a link from an email. You can also do it from your computer, if you have a video and microphone on it. Have you tried Zoom? It is really easy.
Thank you for your professional perspective. I am trying to figure out how to cope with a difficult DIL situation. I am doing so by examining my own behavior as well as hers …. It’s hard to just continue to bite your tongue and feel unloved and unappreciated. I think your comments about getting rid of unrealistic expectations hit the mark with me. You would think that we would learn over the years not to be so disappointed. For me, I think separation from her (at lease as much as I can manage) is a big part of things. Fortunately my son will make sure I see my granddaughters. Take care.
That's great that your son won't let you not see the kids. Yes, stepping back would help and changing your expectations. Try empathy for her struggles. Do you know what might have contributed to her being this way?
@@changemyrelationship to be honest I don’t know why she is this way… but it’s something to think about. Thank you again.
I needed to hear this. I’ve been praying and I continue to pray for my situation. I would love to get more information. You mentioned that you have a book but I didn’t see anything linked in the description box. Where can I get my hands on this gem? 💖
Basically have to shut off your heart when it comes to them. Only good advice there is. I expected more respect from my son yes. I wouldn't let my spouse disrespect my family either. I really don't care if they are "triggered" if they don't want in our lives, that is their choice. NEVER let your heart be trampled on by ANYONE. It is not worth it.
Yes recognizing that there is nothing you can do to get to them and fix it is correct. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
@@changemyrelationship thank you. My heart broke when they moved to texas
thats where I am at now...in order to not feel anymore pain then I already have, I have to shut that part of my heart off
@@oops5015 i m sorry you are going through this too. If we didnt love them ur wouldnt hurt
I have 3 DIL's so far & I can tell you these millinneals are a whole new breed; I wasn't even expected to be very involved, but nothing is hard to swallow:(
It affects parents too. The culture they have been raised in is very narcissistic and it changes everything. There is a lack of respect for parents and no feelings of obligation. I am sorry. Maybe you will get one that is different. There are still some. It is important for you to find a life for yourself to stay happy and detached enough to handle it.
It is too late for me. I just cursed them both out.
Ditto. Did the same.
Good for you! They have no qualms cursing and abusing you! No reason to sugar coat the reality!
I will be listening to this a few times because your advice is so reasonable and totally makes sense. Thank you! My relationship with my younger son’s partner is very strained, but I must remain centered because there’s a newborn baby in the equation and I want to have a good relationship with him.
Be respectful of her wishes with the baby. Offer to help in whatever she needs and do things her way. Don't argue or tell her she is wrong or how to do things.
@@changemyrelationship point well taken. Thank you for your valuable advice. God bless you 🙏
@@accash65 that advice is spot on. I made a mistake with their first baby, even though I did a lot right (she even said she was "impressed" !) and they drove it into the ground until I reacted with annoyance. That was the beginning of the end. I haven't seen him in almost 2 years.
@@cyndimoring9389 I’m sorry to hear that. You must miss him so much! Things between my daughter in law and I have taken a turn for the better and we are all enjoying the baby. I’m so thankful to God! I hope yours turns out the same way 🙏
This was spot on. Everything you talked about is exactly what we are experiencing. Thank you.
I am glad you found it helpful. I would recommend reading through the comments too if you didn't. People's experience is helpful too.
Thank you so much for this.
My son made his own bed, now let him be miserable with her!!!!!
I can see it that my daughter in law is struggling. I am praying for her and for my son. The conclusion I reached is that unless circumstances change quite a bit, I will not see my grandkids often or get to know them well. I need to keep space for my own well being - the situation is overwhelming. God can work in the lives of this young family - it may not be in the timing or the way I wish, but He can certainly work in their lives. Sometimes we need to start a new canvas and ask God to help us start painting.
I am sorry. It sounds though that you have a healthy perspective and have acceptance. That will give you peace.
Thank you!
Compassion for an evil person is hard
Hatred and bitterness consumes you. Not worth it. However, compassion comes from understanding that only a broken person does those things. there is a reason she is doing this. At some level, there is pain. You may not see it but it is there. Compassion does not equal tolerance or an excuse. It comes from understanding there is a reason.
My grand baby lives in our neighborhood, and I’ve only seen her a couple of times in the 3 months of her life bc of my daughter in law. My heart is breaking! 💔 My husband and I tried talking to our son, but it made everything worse. Her parents see the baby daily. 😭😭😭 Any advice appreciated.
I thought I had replied to you. My apologies that this is late. My heart goes out to you. My advice is to not react at all. Anything you tell your son is likely to get back to your daughter in law and could make it worse, so don't even talk to him. Watch my video on difficult daughter in laws. Be gracious and act like you are fine whenever you do get to see her and the baby. It may get better as the baby gets older since it is so new and this is her first baby. Sometimes girls can only be attached to their mom and not their mother in law. See how it goes. Get busy in your own life and try not to drive by their house.
This video is great and great timing. I invited my daughter in law , my son and grandson for Xmas dinner. She responder “ unfortunately we can’t make it ? I responded so when will the best time day or month we can all go out for lunch and dinner? She responded they are all busy.
I was really sad but after all it’s her decision. My son didn’t say anything or responder to my messages because she responded for all of them. So anyway I still sent them Happy new year message. She didn’t respond. Then her birthday is on Jan 3rd I sent her happy birthday iMessage . She responded as Thanks. So I didn’t get to see them through the holidays which is very unfortunate but My other son delivered the Xmas cards to them with $$$ in . So life is challenging and I m trying to deal with it in a positive way. I can travel with my husband and connect with him again.
That is a good attitude but it is still hard. You can't change it by reacting to her. You will only be labeled as the one who causes all the problems so don't give her the satisfaction of being able to say that! Enjoy your time with your husband and your relationship with your other son.
@@changemyrelationship thank you so much . I really appreciate you and your videos. ❤️
yes, my son and his wife cancelled xmas dinner on xmas morning a few years ago. I used to text her happy b'd. Wouldn't even get a reply. I've stopped sending gifts to either of them or their children. It's not a one way street, they're adults.
@@cyndimoring9389 That is always a hard choice to make but I understand how you can get there and why it is right for you.
Great Video. My love and respect to ALL mum's suffering in this way❤️That's just all so exhausting. How about leaving your son to decide how he can take hold of the reigns and handle both mum and wife wisely and strongly and lovingly. Then just get on with our lives and if he needs his family he knows where to find them. This could take years, but is your health peace and sanity worth it? Cos at the end if the day, you're not going to be here forever. I don't agree to have to deal with a daughter in law who doesn't want her husbands family..and if your son's chosen her, then it means he doesn't want his family either does he? What can you do? the son should either man up or not. I've tried everything else.
There comes a point where you do have to let go and only you know when that is. People do try, as you probably have, to navigate the difficult relationship because relationships with your son and grandkids are at stake. But there is a point where you can let go and yes, maybe seeing that it has pushed his mom away is a wake up call. So be careful how you do it so you don't look vindictive and petty.
Our sons don't see what we see so stay neutral. They have to make their own choices. Build bridges, not walls. Do not react to the dysfunction.
Well said.
This was amazing and so helpful. My DIL was outright hostile to me when my son was out of sight, and then pathologically lied about our interactions. I’ve only spent a few days with her, ever. I’ve haven’t seen my grands in a year due to covid, I want to go see them soon (across the country) but I don’t want to stay at their house. How do I tactfully say this? Any advice would help!
What would her response be to you staying somewhere else? Would she be insulted or would she be relieved and okay with it? Given the reality that this daughter-in-law can be vindictive and sensitive and could keep you from seeing your grandkids, would the benefits of staying somewhere else be worth the risk of her reaction? That is what you have to answer.
@@changemyrelationship I would stay elsewhere. I fully get it as I am in the same situation and this pathology has ripped our family apart. You might say that you have to get up a lot at night or some other creative excuse. I am not keen on staying at people's houses anyway. I think respecting privacy can work. Also, avoid being in her presence alone as much as possible. Depending on the age of the grands, perhaps you can stay at a resort area with activities for the grands, etc. That DIL might react negatively but will get over it. The son should also deal with this. If you stay in their home, it might be too stressful and not end well. You have to take care of yourself, too.
@@bettyroberts4156 Thank you for this suggestion, that is a good idea. And they do live close to a resort area so that’s good. It’s very sad to me, and I don’t understand it. My son and I were very close (not overly) until this relationship.
Thanks again for your suggestion
my mother always stayed somewhere else, because she didn't like my son. We were always relieved.
Going through this right now. I was to move in with them. They bought a large house expecting me to move in. It’s been a year now. I’m not moved and it’s horrible how I feel, I’m heart broken! It may be this way for what’s left of my life 😢
I had to realize everything you’ve just said.
I know how couples are, I can’t and haven’t said a word to my son about the awful things she’s said about him!!! And I have Never said anything about her. Period! I thought she was a good person but they’ve been together for 7 years and I’ve left them be. She was, always nice to me 🤷🏼♀️ at my age, she’s surprised me, not many people do!
She told me over and over about her mother and how she’s been a drunk her entire life and how she stayed in the bar’s while she raised her younger brother and sister. I felt for her and have always tried to build up her self esteem. My son said that she was in charge of the move when they bought they’re house because “she knows everything”, but he acted like he didn’t care. He’s a happy go lucky guy that not much bother’s and he likes thing’s that way, that’s why I was feeling it from him because of her! I’m hopeful but not counting on our relationship improving! I have a feeling I’ve already lost him 😢 especially now! But what was I supposed to do move in and be her whipping post? I am sick, the stress would not only destroy anything left with my son but it would kill be fast! I can’t handle stress with my condition.
He will stay away I know especially since I’m sure my not moving in! I will have to be to blame and he won’t see that she has anything to do with it, it’s all my fault! I must be the unstable one, I’m old after all! And sick 🤷🏼♀️
She has become everything she hate’s in her mother. They laugh giggle and talk about me right in front of my face! She warned me about her mother, I just listened! I’ve listened to a lot! I think her mother must talk about me negatively and doesn’t like me for reasons only she must know 🤷🏼♀️ so her and her mom, finally have something to talk about, me! I know she is happy for any attention from her mother no matter what she has said!
My son and I always had a great relationship! I have lived for him for year’s. I got hurt 22yrs ago and wouldn’t allow myself to date anymore for fear of my Chronic Pain condition and how difficult a new relationship would be understanding i can’t add much to a relationship as far as taking care of a man the way I love and how I am in a relationship.
No I haven’t been reliant on my son to make me happy either!!! I’ve only, ever wanted my son happy and to find love because he’s been hurt a few times over broken relationships. He was also engaged once before, and she WAS nice to me but I know her now and the one that always loses is the mother!!! Always!
I’ve always taken the back seat to everything, but I have a strong personality and find happiness in the small stuff… always have!
I still haven’t done anything! I’m just not moving everyday because of her jealousy.
My disease doesn’t allow me to be able to handle anything stressful! I have RSD/CRPS11, it’s not curable. My son isn’t allowed to show me he loves me anymore because I’m a problem! The hell I am and I won’t be treated this way either so I’m removing myself from the situation! She doesn’t get love from her mother so she doesn’t want us to have that either!? I know people pretty well.
My Son’s dad and I have been divorced since he was one. He became extremely abusive after I had my son. The responsibility of having to help with my son when I had to return to work after 6 weeks due to me supporting the family in every way made him become jealous of my success at that time, and become very verbally abusive! I’m now 64 so from 25 on it was my son and I and he lived with me in between his relationships lol.
We always had a great relationship. This past year, I’ve had to realize he talks to me awful and accuses me of saying this or that and that I’m Going to do this or that when I move in and they will disagree and I will be “ like I’m the Queen bee and it breaks my heart that my Son has to talk to me this way?!? Because she is consistently in his ear. I had asked them several time’s, if they are sure they want me to move in. Oh, she’s said many time that if their relationship doesn’t work out I can still live with her!!! 😂
She is a special kind of Evil!
My situation is a little different than what your saying because of my moving in, it seems some of your suggestions are too late for me and the holidays won’t be happening for me either! It’s been nice the past couple years but the mother stuff started last Thanksgiving
I had to tell him two days ago, I won’t be moving in.
I had let everything go and took it all but I can’t allow her to destroy what little relationship I feel be have left. I know he’s going back and has probably told her but I’m not moving in so I had too. I told him that they need to be together and enjoy there home together and straighten everything out for them. That I’m fine where I am for now and when I get everything sold here I get my thing’s out of there house.
I’ve payed to have my two rooms painted and a large portion of their house. I also knew I would have to downsize to a queen size bed so I bought a new bedroom set.
I told him after I donate or sell some things here I will get my thing’s. I have a lot over there I have to bring back here. I paid to paint the bedroom and living room I was to be living in and updated the curtains, rod’s, outlet’s and plate covers!!! Yeah, I’m the problem 🤷🏼♀️
I wouldn’t have any peace and no privacy!!! Not like I was promised!!! She said she wanted me to save some money and have some fun. I wasn’t living there Free either!!! I was going to pay plenty and I’ve given her thing’s I couldn’t buy until I was in my 50’s! A kitchen aid stand mixer, new silverware and my best dishes, I’ve already given her and much more… I don’t want it back! She hasn’t said thank you once and she’s hidden everything away??? Why? She doesn’t want her mother to see I gave her all the nice stuff??? It all hurts! I am human. But, it is what it is…
All I can do is pray the lord gets me through this like he has everything else 🙏🏼 Amen
I am so sorry but you are probably saving yourself a lot of difficult drama and sure deterioration of your health. You do have to take care of yourself because no one else will. If there is any hope, it will be when they find out you aren't coming. They could realize there is a problem and try to correct the relationship as most people would do.
@@changemyrelationship
Thank you so much. It’s nice to hear your reply 🤗❤️
I knew I couldn’t be the only one in this situation. I feel for everyone on all sides of these situations. It shouldn’t be this common 😢 Why are people so cruel to each other? Life’s too short, such a gift, I try to fill each day with love and a big smile for everyone I see 🤗♥️
I know you are helping many people with your word’s! It’s great work you do… tu
This is so accurate. My daughter in law didn’t have a good up bringing and her toxic behaviors are ridiculous. My son is very aware. If she’s not careful, I can guarantee she will be on the outside looking in. She’s very immature and the worst part is she has no friends of her own. My son’s friends wives feel that he could have done lots better. I’m not saying anything on that… I would hope she grows up quickly… She definitely has low self esteem and she’s definitely the opposite of what I expected for my son. I just hope things work out for her sake.
And let's hope he doesn't have a child with her before he figures out if he is staying. It isn't easy to break away from a difficult wife who has your kid as a bartering tool.
Well, since he’s married to her, if they have a kid, I’m pretty sure it’ll be you on the outside looking in, not her unfortunately. Also kinda weird that you’re closer to his friends/friends wives than his own wife. It’s almost as if you’re playing the role of his wife and that only someone you approve would be good enough.
*Btw, I understand most of these MIL comments and their stories. But this comment stood out because you didn’t comment about your unfortunate situation, your attempts to make things better, etc. You immediately attacked your DIL as a person and then just assumed your role was higher than hers. I don’t mean to burst the bubble, but that thought process isn’t very kind in general, or healthy.
@@MommyMoniquex5DON'T know your age or situation, but possibly this could happen to you sometime in your life even if you tried your very best to be kind to her. It's a very difficult situation where you can't truly understand these women til you've been in their shoes. Normal people don't act like this. Often, these DILs have a personality disorder due to narcissism. No happy person would do or say the things they do. It's a real curve ball. Not a situation anyone would want, EVER!
Is it good for always that a grandmother who is ill and sick decides that she will watch daughter in law kids for like 2 hour or 3 hour for daughter in law shopping life ?
It depends. I think you should watch your grandkids when it works for you. If you are ill, then it might not be good for you. If you daughter in law will get angry when you say no then it might be hard to say no but you can even if she gets upset. It is okay to take care of yourself.
Thank you 😊
Thanks for making this great video.
You are welcome. I am grateful it helped you.
Thank you. I'm struggling and your words of wisdom really help. Thank you😊
I am glad they lifted your load a little.
All very good advice that I need at this time. It's going to take work on my part to control my desire to see the grandkids.
I know it's hard but think of what could happen if you don't.
@@changemyrelationship I know. Exactly what I needed to hear.
Mother in laws need to have boundaries towards the son/DIL relationship, they should not triangulate their control, ideas, helpfulness, ect. into their adult children's lives.
Their sons are adults making decisions with their adult partners for their kids. It's their responsibility.
Please support and do not triangulate yourself between two adults. No one likes to have anyone intrude into their marriage via cheating or the MIL that knows what's right and what's best. Do the right thing and stop worrying and obsessing and intruding.
I know it's hard to come to the realization that you are no longer the go to person in your son's life. But it absolutely needs to break to allow him to bond with his wife/partner and their children. And ultimately, that's what everyone wants, right? Their adult children's marriage to be successful and growing for them to raise their children together as a unit?
I agree that it should be that way. When it isn't, the daughter in law would have a reason to be bothered. This video was more about the daughter in law being too controlling and not reasonable with the mother in law.
I don't think as a MIL thinking a DIL is too controlling instead that DIL is the person responsible and the person that is held accountable for her decisions with her life, children and relationship with husband.
If there is actual criminal sexual, physical abuse to children happening, then of course conversations need to be had and reports made if needed.
I think a lot of what MIL experience feelings wise is the sadness and pain of grown son leaving and cleaving. If MIL begins complaining to her son about DIL, it's really not a wise choice for MIL to wedge between the marriage relationship. It's a very stressful time of life beginning marriage and having children and working.
And thank you for responding, I really enjoy the correspondence. I like to feel both sides of MIL and DIL, since my life is currently in both positions.
I agree. All that needs to be navigated carefully. And you are right, there is some grief and adjustment necessary. Moms do need to be aware that part of what they are feeling is that loss of the old relationship with your son.
HeckbI can’t do anything right, takes offense very easily.
That's part of it
Thank you Karla.
You are welcome!
Thank you
Very helpful! Thank you!💖
Thankyou i just needed to hear this..
This was spot on awesome. Thank you so much. ❤
You're welcome. Glad it was helpful.
I’d like to know what causes children to become this way? What in their childhood started the development of these tendencies? Or is it something completely non-related. What is the root of the problem? I too have struggled with my DIL so for my own sake I’m trying to better understand how it all plays out… and how will this behavior affect my grandchildren…thank you for sharing any thoughts you have… in gratitude 🙏🏻
It can be the same factors that cause narcissistic traits which are entitlement, materialism, inability to look at themselves, moral relativism and a lack of values that leads to respecting family and parents, an inability to self-reflect, and insecurity. For the daughter in laws specifically, it can be defensiveness about their mothers and a controlling personality. Watch the video I made on adult narcissistic children. That will give you more information on the narcissistic piece.
@@changemyrelationship thank you for taking the time to broaden my knowledge and understanding. It’s a lot to digest but I want to better understand. I will watch your other video.
I, too, am having a difficult time accepting that my DIL does not like me, this holiday has been rough on me. My son rarely calls me anymore (didnt even get a call on Christmas, altho he did send a nice bouquet of flowers), they live in a different state so I dont expect frequent calling, AND I do realize they have busy lives. But I am tired and hurt of reaching out and getting no response. There have been times that I have reached out when long periods have gone by and I dont hear anything from them. OR I have gotten texts back from him, "too busy" etc...A family friend who is elderly, made a baby blanket for their upcoming child due in a few months and a whole month went by and the family friend never heard from them, not even so much a thank you card (if they didnt want to call her), so I text to remind them (after close to 2 months) to please thank the friend, and I got back a very rude text message from her ('you dont need to keep reminding us... we are busy") even tho' that was the 1st time I reminded them. I dont have to tell you how hurt and embarrassed I was. A baby is coming in March and I am feeling certain that a visit from me after baby is here will not be welcomed. I am actually not even planning it at this point, unless I am asked to come, even then, I will probably be very wary. I have had VERY little contact with DIL, once before they were married and then the wedding itself and thought everything was fine. She did have a tendency to bicker with my son over small stuff (both times), but I kept my mouth shut and made sure my reactions were nil. At this point, my gut is telling me to just let it go, move on and starting accepting the fact that I may never have a relationship with my future grandchild and relationship with my son deteriorated. My son is a very sweet young man, wasn't raised that way and he witnessed a very good relationship between myself and his grandmother (my MIL). We were very good friends (my MIL and I) and I would have done anything for her, she treated me like a daughter, so this is way out in left field for me. Just trying to cope and preparing for the heartbreak...there is more, but I dont want to make this post too long.
Wow thank u.... this was very helpful ❤️
Thank you so much 💓 💗 💛
So glad it helped.
Thank you for this video. However, I’m devastated and so sad. This is exactly what I’m dealing with and didn’t see it coming. My son was extremely close with us always. She was perfect and sweet for two years and pulled us all in. We welcomed her into our life as we wanted our son to be happy. They moved out of state for two years after she applied for a job out of state without telling him, but told him he had to move to prove his love. He was torn but two days later said he was going. He left his job, friends and family. Huge red flag. She was alone with him with no friends at all or family, and totally brainwashed him. He proposed and the craziness began. I was the scapegoat for everything and I was left out of all wedding planning even though I tiptoed and did whatever she and her family wanted. I didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time and just cried every day because I couldn’t figure it out at all, knowing I was bending over backwards to please and was always kind to her. Now, they are moving back, buying a house, and the disrespect I’m shown, in my own home from her (as they’ve stayed her on weekends in between moving) is appalling. She’s even imploded my marriage and love bombs my husband along with my son. She has thrown us into therapy. I’ve never felt so alone and sad. My son went from a confident, kind, caring guy to a shell who hangs his head down all the time, not a word said. Thank goodness for friends who are just as devastated for me. It’s just bewildering and horrible. And yes, it’s a twilight zone for sure. How can someone be so evil??
That is awful that she pulled your husband toward her side. So glad he is willing to go to therapy. You can see how weak your son is so you know he doesn't have the will to stand up to her. If he is ever going to get the will to do it, it will take a very very long time. So how are you going to interact with her when she is geographically close to you?
Thank you for responding. I’m trying to figure that out. I feel as though I don’t have a choice at this point and will have to rise above and continue to be pleasant no matter what, although I’m feeling so worn down. I’m walking on eggshells, always. For example, I gave them some advice about home buying only since I knew all of her relatives were doing so. However, I was told that “I appreciate your thoughts, but what if two mature people don’t want your opinion?” It’s appalling to me to be talked to like that. My answer was “there would be no conversations in the world if people didn’t have opinions. It’s just advice but you certainly don’t have to take it.” That’s as far as I’ve gone and I won’t do it again as now I realize I’ll pay for it. I love my son and feel like I’m hanging by a thread and don’t want to lose him completely, and I’m worried about his future with her, esp if they have a child. We used to have an easy, breezy relationship and talked about everything. Now, I’m afraid to say anything other than small talk as I know she’ll pull every word out of him, in a very sly way without him realizing it. So I have to smile in her face and go along with her craziness. She is a completely different personality from the initial two years of being with our son. It’s so unbelievable that it’s unbelievable, if that makes any sense. I’m so very sad, but your video resonated with me esp when you said you have to change your mental mindset. Very difficult but I see I’ll have to try to do that. I think about it and talk about it now 24/7. My health has already taken many hits and if I don’t change my mindset, my heart won’t be able to handle this much longer. Being the mom of a son, I looked forward to having a DIL with whom I could love like a daughter. He’s our only child. I always gave them their space, never interfered, and was so happy for my son. I do feel that she has imploded my life in every single way. My husband sees it but is afraid he’ll lose his son forever and won’t say a word or even support me even when we’re alone. In some ways, I think he’s more scared or worried than me. We’re feeling helpless and I’m assuming he feels just as blindsided as me. Dealing with something like this was never in our radar. It’s mind blowing. I absolutely feel she sees us as a threat to her relationship with my son. As we know, it’s an awful space to be in. Thanks again for responding and sorry this is so long 😢
@@Calpkgal38 You have to learn to detach and live your life. If you didn't have a son, what would you be doing that would make your life enjoyable? Go do that. Grieve the loss of your son and the hopes of a loving daughter in law relationship. When you move to acceptance, it will be easier to move on. I am sure your husband is afraid. Can you ask him that? Can you talk to him at all or does he just blame you?
@@changemyrelationship My husband is afraid he will lose his son if he says even one word to him, but he won’t even be supportive of me when we’re alone trying to discuss it. He’s angry. I feel like everybody’s scapegoat. I’ve been the empathic person my entire life and now when I need support and kindness it’s just not in the cards for me.
@@Calpkgal38 Then you won't be able to get the support from him sadly, but you understand why. Find a good friend you can vent to. You need it.
Truly excellent advice
I very much agree that a person who treats another like this has had some very horrible things in her life time. I agree with every thing you have said accept the part that if you are upset you need to speak up. Nope. If you speak up you are done with your grandkids. I buck up because I know if I say anything at all about anything at all that I am upset about I am not going to get a relationship with my grandkids. You take and you give and you don't say a word. That is how it is in these situations. It is pure hell. You are not just in a competition with the DIL but with her mother as well. I ask if I can have the grandchildren on a certain day and nope. Plans are made with the other grandparents to take and take care of my grandchildren on that day. I go over and the comment "oh, we are sorry we already made plans'. I deal with it by just saying 'oh well' even though this breaks my heart it doesn't seem to matter in the least. I leave and go home. Complete competition. I stopped this and realized that the only way to see my grandkids is to go over and visit with the whole family. I give hugs and my heart out to all the ladies dealing with this horrible situation. I visit. I play with my grandchildren. I say thank you and what a wonderful time I had. And I get the heck out of there as fast as I can. These young ladies are ....I will leave the blank.
I am so sorry, I wish you happiness that you deserve
Thank you so much ❤
You're welcome 😊
I love your videos and have some of your books too , but now I feel like I need an actual in person support group like other women that are going through the same things that we can talk together , go have lunch ect. Is there anything like that? I love my DIL very much but always just seem to say and do the wrong things.
I have classes that include support groups for people in difficult relationships and there are lots of similarities even though the relationship might be a different one and the tools are the same. Check out my website. I would recommend this in the Fall: Transforming Difficult Relationships.
Thank you
@@louisewatkins7065 Where do you live?
@@changemyrelationship close to Louisville KY
@@louisewatkins7065 I don't know of any in person groups. The closest thing I can think of is another support group you may qualify for Do you have any alcoholics i your family that would qualify you for Ala-non past or present? It is a great support group and isn't just about the alcoholic but about you and what you are dealing with now. My classes help too but the soonest one will be in the Fall for this.
My son should get some balls and stand up for himself! I am extremely angry at her, The Succubus. And extremely disapointed and angry at him!!!
He will have to come to that conclusion on his own for anything to change. It may take some time.
It's too late to do all this....our DIL got our son to fight with us and take their kids away from us. I finally went off on my son after he almost gave me and my husband a heart attack due to the way he went off on us based on lies from her. We are devastated....your advice is good, but I did this for 14 years and when DIL wasn't getting a reaction she invented more lies and got our son to defend her and cut us off from our grandkids. That's when I let it all out because I'm only human.
Yes, you are only human. You can choose to refuse to tolerate this at any point. It is up to you. You make a choice knowing what is at stake. There is some benefit to not pretending and putting up with things that aren't healthy.
Well, it is my own daughter because she blames me for the domestic violence with the stepfather who passed away. My daughter uses my grandchild as a punishment tool and my daughter said to me all the time. I mean she has had the same resentment since she was a teenager. So I am trying not to make her angry but I want my daughter not to tell her what to do with my life. My daughter tells me that I am too old to have a better for myself like education and employment. So I am going to college to get better employment despite my daughter's disagreements.
Of course you have to do what you know is right for you. You don't have to argue with her or tell her she is wrong. You can just do what is right for you. She is angry and she has to figure that out. You can apologize for what you know wasn't good in her childhood and listen to her pain but you don't have to take her abusing you over it. As far as your grandchild, I would make as little deal over that as possible so she doesn't know it hurts and then she won't do it more to get to you.
I akways felt really good with my mother n laws. I feel good with my other childrens families. This is one reason i know my daughter n law is toxic. I ONLY feel this way around toxic people.
That is a good indication.
I think it goes both ways too. You mention about the DIL being jealous when your son spends time with you and she always inserts herself into it. But MIL also has to remember her son is married so of course they are probably going to be together when they come around family as that is his wife and now his primary relationship. I think it's also important for MIL not to just solely invite her son to her house or over for dinner but to include her DIL as well not make her feel like she doesn't matter or that she is excluded. The DIL is joining her family so she should be doing everything in her power to include DIL not look for reasons to exclude her.
Absolutely. If the mother in law holds onto her son and competes with the dil and doesn't include her from the start, she is the problem. That will for sure set up a competition.
@@changemyrelationship well that is a given, I would never dream of doing that...but what about when yo have given NO reason for this behavior?
@@oops5015 that's where the video suggestions come in. You navigate it carefully so you don't make it worse.
Well, I have a daughter-in-law like this and the step child has always been a problem in my life because she is so obnoxious at nine year old. She eats with her hands and it’s really embarrassing and I called her out on it so now I am the bad guy I’m good with that. Well now they’re having a grand child together and my son has suddenly turned against me and acted like oh you didn’t want this child so you’re not going to have this child. Isn’t it amazing how children think they understand health is not going to affect their children had having a grandparent? Do you know what a good luck with that? I’m going onto, live my best life without dealing with your children and without babysitting and endlessly and without putting up with your bullshit.
You are understandably angry. Anyone would be. Let them do the cutting off. They started it. Don't tell them you are moving on. Let them have to take the responsibility for it. Go forward living your best life. They may change their minds and if you haven't reciprocated in cutting them off, it will be easier.
I tried so hard to let things roll but i cannot go on anymore. She is trying to keep him away from everyone. Its all about her and her family only. She picks. I only want peace.
Are you thinking of cutting them off so you aren't hurt? Be careful if you are, as they will forever blame you and you will have to bear the weight of that decision. Instead, learn to detach with love and move forward with your life with no expectations for them. Take care of yourself and get involved with other people and things. I suggest my class: Transforming Difficult Relationships starting in January. www.changemyrelationship.com/transforming-difficult-relationships-class/
In other words, MILs should concede to the DIL no matter what. I don't think so.
No, you don't have to do anything. I am just saying that if you have an extremely difficult daughter in law and a son who doesn't stand up to her that you have to think about how you respond. If you want to fight with her, you will lose- your son and your grandkids most likely. Count the cost. If you have a daughter in law who is at all reasonable, you may get somewhere with speaking your truth kindly and setting reasonable boundaries.
My daughter in law is very manipulative. I’ve got so many scenarios that I could write a book. I feel for my son because he is very loving and easy going. But I bite my tongue because I do not want to make his life worse. But my daughter doesn’t get along with her either so I really dread family gatherings. 😢 sometimes I feel like a door mat which is not my nature. Very hard
Don't look at yourself as a doormat. Recognize that you can see the reality of the situation and that you are choosing not to speak up because it wouldn't help because it wouldn't be received and would only result in making things worse for your son and potentially cut you off from a relationship with him and grandkids. You can speak up any time you decide it would be wise.
So true
My daughter in law was ok just a little opinionated until the wedding and then everything changed. They always came to our house at Christmas Eve. Then after they married they only spend all holidays at her family. Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve,and Christmas Day. They live on our farm right next door. It really destroyed me when my son said I have to go to her parents. I had already bought groceries for our reg meal. All there is my husband and I. All our family have passed.
My other son lives in another state so we have spent the last 2 holidays alone. It’s so hard. I’m a pretty shy person and I never interfere in their lives. We do babysit their 3 year old son when they work and have for 3 years. So it was a low blow and shock to be treated this way. Would she be a narcissist?
Not necessarily. In the least, a shallow person. I would have to know more examples of other things. She does let you watch your grandchild but it is out of convenience for her most likely. If you were willing to go to her family's house, could you go for holidays? If you are welcome still, I would go. At least you wouldn't be alone. She sounds like she just doesn't get that she needs to consider others but for many reasons, some people don't.
@@changemyrelationship
We live on a farm and they drive 30 miles to work. They don’t have much of a choice for child care. Her mom helps by driving here ( 35 miles) every once in awhile. They came here for holidays when they were dating then living together. But right before the wedding it all stopped. My son said he has to go to her family for holidays now.
@@forgiveness2244 Have you tried suggesting you have your celebration on a different day? Like the weekend before Christmas or Thanksgiving or the day after?
@@changemyrelationship yes but then she said she was sick. So we just gave up.
@@forgiveness2244As a DIL, I just want to give a suggestion because you seem genuine and caring. And it might not work if your DIL or son truly doesn’t want to be around you, but either way, try things like:
A) Invite them over on another weekend before or after, as the OP mentioned. Even if they cancel once or twice, try more than that. You should atleast try 2-3 years for atleast 2-3 holidays before fully deciding that they don’t want to be near you.
B) As OP mentioned as well, ask if you and your husband can join them at her family’s home for atleast 1 holiday per year - perhaps Christmas or Thanksgiving
C) Ignore the bigger holidays and start off small. Ask if they’d like to go eat out at a restaurant with you on a day like Memorial Day or 4th of July. So that way you don’t look like you’re trying to take big holidays away from them.
D) Genuinely ask them, maybe even months in advance, if there’s any holiday, bday, or special occasion that they are free for this year; and if yall could celebrate it together or just go eat somewhere together. See if they are open to anything at all.
Things to keep in mind:
- If they like you, they will find a day and time for you. You shouldn’t have to try more than 2-3 times a year. If that doesn’t work after 3 years, it may truly be that they don’t want to spend these holidays with you. At which point I would examine myself and my husband for any recent conflicts that we’ve had with them to try to apologize for something and promise to do better.
- If you think you might have done something wrong, but genuinely don’t know what it could be, ask them. Even asking over text could make it less confrontational, so that’s okay. Take what she says and make a change with it if you can and want to.
- Accept any leeway they give you. If they say “Sure. You can come to our family reunion on July 12th at 4pm. It is about 25 miles north and lasts about 3 hours usually. But please don’t bring any gifts or clothes for us to take home, since we won’t be able to carry them around there” Then, you say you’ll be there and show up following ALL rules and being respectful. And you’ll probably be given more time eventually.
- If they say FIL is more of the problem than you, you can only fix yourself. But you can ask your partner if he’d be willing to be introspective and try to apologize in order for you both to grow a relationship with these people.
- DO NOT push. Do not complain. Do not overspend. Do not make passive aggressive statements (including about how little you see them, no matter how strongly you believe in what you’re saying!).
- They may not like the land they are living on nor going to your home that they see all the time. Sometimes it becomes boring and annoying to be and see a place you can’t stand. So keep in mind that if it’s just the land and homes they don’t like, they can get away from that and yall can celebrate holidays or occasions together elsewhere - another family members home, a family friends home, her family’s home, a restaurant, a park, etc..
You seem genuine. And your heart seems that way as well. I pray things work out for you. And I hope my comment can help you try and believe in yourself. ❤
My daughter in law is spoiled by her parents it’s so hard to see the grandkids because of her she tells my son I don’t want to see them I made the mistake of telling him different and she unloaded on me
You will need to think before you say anything to her or to your son. It isn't easy but is necessary. You can't be uninterested but you can't act like you are desperate so she knows she can get to you. It is probably best that you say things you want him to know in front of her but not in a way that calls her out as a liar. It's a fine line.
You nailed it...but I'm a bad actor
Meaning, you know you have a part too?
Meaning I cannot fake my feelings around her I feel very disrespected and the hot and cold weirdness. Having to interact less with my sons so that she doesn't get irritated that he's around me everything you mentioned I just have a very hard time
@@denisep6450 I am sorry. I know it is very hard. Do whatever is best for you and maybe your son will make some adjustments at some point.
Are you asking if you have a part? You are a part of the relationship. Even if your part is only reacting to her, you can work on your reactions. Only you can honestly assess what your part is. However, that doesn't mean you create the problems.
What a 🤬🤬🤬 mess. My question is what is wrong with these men?
I have a friend who realizes now after 20!years nothing is ever changing. The grandkids are older so she communicates with them only. She no longer even has any feelings left for her son. He is like a stranger to her. She was a good Mom and a great grandma did everything their way and never imposed herself on them. What an awful way to live. It’s actually a terrible form of abuse. It should be considered a crime
I’m not talking about the wacko MIL’s that overstep. That’s completely different
I think it is cultural. Men are taught to be weak and passive and that taking a stand is toxic masculinity. Look at all the TV shows the past 30 year showing men as stupid and the wives the strong one. Plus, there is a culture of narcissism and moral relativism and a lack of respect for elders and authority so there isn't guilt over doing this type of thing to your parents. It is more common than you would imagine.
No more acting as if ..that just made her worse ..so no I am going to be me ..take it or leave it ..I am not dealing with her sinister sadistic behavior..I see it I call her out in my own way ..the more you reward this crappy behavior the more they act in it ..expose them for who they are ..
If that is the case then you are right to do what you are doing. It usually makes it worse to call it out but your situation is the opposite. I am glad you are recognizing what you need to do. It is a difficult situation.
They can have each other. I'm finished. It's not worth it
There comes a time when that is what you need to do but be careful. If you tell them, they can forever tell you that everything is your fault and that you walked away. If you are done, just quit pursuing and live your own life.
@@changemyrelationship That's what I plan on doing. I'm tired of hurting because of this. I feel betrayed.
I wish I saw this video sooner, it fits to a T what I deal with my DIL.
Sorry, I know it is difficult. I hope this gave you some ideas to help you.